1
00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:05,559
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.

2
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:07,040
Speaker 2: It's the podcast for.

3
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,119
Speaker 1: The time poor parent who just wants answers.

4
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:13,000
Speaker 2: Now, Hello and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. I

5
00:00:13,039 --> 00:00:15,440
Speaker 2: am doctor Justin Corson. I'm the co host and parenting

6
00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:17,640
Speaker 2: expert on that hit TV show that you might have

7
00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:21,760
Speaker 2: seen on Channel nine and nine now, Parental Guidance, and

8
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:23,840
Speaker 2: also the author of a bunch of books about making

9
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,880
Speaker 2: your family happier, the Dad to six Daughters, and every

10
00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:30,280
Speaker 2: Tuesday on the Happy Families Podcast, I answer your questions

11
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,680
Speaker 2: about how to make your family happier and grapple with

12
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:36,040
Speaker 2: the big challenges of helping kids to thrive. If you'd

13
00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,440
Speaker 2: like to submit a question, go to Happy Families dot

14
00:00:38,479 --> 00:00:42,360
Speaker 2: com dot a U and click on the podcast's link.

15
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:44,920
Speaker 2: Then all you have to do is push the record

16
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:48,080
Speaker 2: button and start talking. It's that simple. Here's our first

17
00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:48,760
Speaker 2: question today.

18
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:52,800
Speaker 1: Hi, Justin and Carly. I'm a happy, energetic, three and

19
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,280
Speaker 1: a half year old boy. It's been asking where his

20
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:58,040
Speaker 1: dad is over a year, and it's now asking why

21
00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:01,080
Speaker 1: his dad doesn't move with us. His dad is severe

22
00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:04,440
Speaker 1: mental health and addiction issues and left when my son

23
00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:07,760
Speaker 1: was twelve weeks old. How do I approach this with

24
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:10,800
Speaker 1: my son in a way that supports his own mental

25
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,240
Speaker 1: health and self esteem.

26
00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:16,080
Speaker 2: Thank you well, Anonymous, Thank you so much for sending

27
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,440
Speaker 2: through this voicemail and asking the question. It sounds like

28
00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:20,240
Speaker 2: you're really on the ball, doing a great job as

29
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:22,479
Speaker 2: a single mum. It is probably one of the toughest

30
00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:25,200
Speaker 2: things that you could ever do, and I love the

31
00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,480
Speaker 2: way that you've got your focus. Your focus here is

32
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:29,920
Speaker 2: I think right on. It sounds to me like you're

33
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:32,200
Speaker 2: trying to have a really healthy response to a very

34
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,479
Speaker 2: difficult situation. It sounds like you really want to honor

35
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:39,319
Speaker 2: your son's father, support your son, but also advocate for

36
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,959
Speaker 2: yourself in a developmentally appropriate way for your three and

37
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,880
Speaker 2: a half year old, which is not a small task.

38
00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:47,600
Speaker 2: There's a lot of things to pull together here, So

39
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:49,639
Speaker 2: let's go through a couple of things that I reckon

40
00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,720
Speaker 2: are going to be helpful. The first thing that I

41
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,960
Speaker 2: would say is, if you've got a little guy who's

42
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,720
Speaker 2: asking questions about dad, the questions are going to be

43
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,840
Speaker 2: fairly easy to navigate once you know what they are

44
00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:03,360
Speaker 2: and can prepare some responses. My guess is who is

45
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,480
Speaker 2: my dad? Would be one of the questions He's probably

46
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,240
Speaker 2: also going to want to know why he's not here,

47
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,520
Speaker 2: and whether he's coming back, and if he can meet him,

48
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:14,799
Speaker 2: and whether maybe whether Dad misses him. When I think

49
00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:17,000
Speaker 2: about life through the eyes of a three year old,

50
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,160
Speaker 2: these are the kinds of questions that I'd imagine a

51
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:22,320
Speaker 2: young boy is going to be asking about Dad. Now,

52
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,520
Speaker 2: my advice around this is that it's important that you

53
00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:26,480
Speaker 2: tell the truth. But again, you want to tell the

54
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,680
Speaker 2: truth in a way that honor's dad, even though he's

55
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:32,480
Speaker 2: not present, supports your son because he really needs it,

56
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:37,520
Speaker 2: and is an appropriate way of self advocacy for you.

57
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,960
Speaker 2: I mean, what we're not wanting to do is make

58
00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,600
Speaker 2: anyone into either a deemon or a victim here. How

59
00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:44,560
Speaker 2: do you do that? Well, I think you stick to facts.

60
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,840
Speaker 2: You definitely don't overshare. I don't think that it's healthy

61
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,880
Speaker 2: at all to use your children as therapists, and it

62
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,640
Speaker 2: certainly doesn't sound like you're going to do it, but

63
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,200
Speaker 2: I do see it happening and hear of it happening

64
00:02:55,639 --> 00:03:00,600
Speaker 2: far more than is useful. And also, don't reject your

65
00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:02,560
Speaker 2: stuff onto your son. So how would you do that.

66
00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:06,040
Speaker 2: Let's take those questions that I mentioned and imagine responding

67
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:08,200
Speaker 2: to them. So when you've got a son who says,

68
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:10,000
Speaker 2: who is my dad? I want to know who Dad is.

69
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,440
Speaker 2: I've never met him. Obviously, he's been gone since the

70
00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:16,000
Speaker 2: kid was three months old. I would say, well, here's

71
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,480
Speaker 2: a photo. If you have any photos, show those photos.

72
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,000
Speaker 2: Let him have a photo of Dad on his bedside table.

73
00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:23,520
Speaker 2: He may grow up to think that Dad is awesome.

74
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,760
Speaker 2: My guess is, as you answer the other questions, honestly,

75
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:29,000
Speaker 2: he's going to probably not go down that path, but

76
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,560
Speaker 2: may have a more realistic picture of him. But he

77
00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:35,200
Speaker 2: still should love his dad. He's biologically wired to, he's

78
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:37,000
Speaker 2: designed to, and so long as he can do that

79
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,200
Speaker 2: in a safe way, I don't see any problems with it.

80
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:43,440
Speaker 2: So name Dad, photographs of Dad, share stories of Dad,

81
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:46,400
Speaker 2: Honor Dad, and talk about the positive experiences that you

82
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:50,240
Speaker 2: did have with him. Clearly, there's been a relationship that

83
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:51,920
Speaker 2: led to the conception of a child and the birth

84
00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:54,560
Speaker 2: of a child. So let's honor what was good about

85
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,920
Speaker 2: it and try to move forward from there.

86
00:03:58,400 --> 00:03:58,560
Speaker 3: Now.

87
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:00,520
Speaker 2: As for the question of why Dad's not here, I

88
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:04,160
Speaker 2: think again absolutely focus on the truth. You want to

89
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,960
Speaker 2: highlight that Dad had some really big problems his head

90
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,280
Speaker 2: didn't quite work in a healthy way. You might want

91
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:12,280
Speaker 2: to talk about mental health. It's hard to talk about

92
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,320
Speaker 2: mental health with the three rods, So keep it really,

93
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,560
Speaker 2: really simple. I mean, I'm sort of reading between the

94
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:20,279
Speaker 2: lines here, But if there are anger issues, say Daddy

95
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,880
Speaker 2: got angry a lot and we just decided that it

96
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,479
Speaker 2: until he could stop being angry, it was better that

97
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:29,440
Speaker 2: he wasn't with me. It's perfectly okay again to advocate

98
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:32,240
Speaker 2: for yourself and highlight that Dad's not perfect. He had

99
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,400
Speaker 2: some flaws and that's why he's not there. The one

100
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,839
Speaker 2: central thing that's important here is that your son doesn't

101
00:04:36,839 --> 00:04:40,400
Speaker 2: think that dad's gone because of him. As for the

102
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:42,400
Speaker 2: question is he coming back, well as that one truth

103
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,480
Speaker 2: Philly as well. If the answer is no, say no, sweetheart,

104
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:46,880
Speaker 2: Daddy's not coming back. I don't talk to Dad. I

105
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:48,560
Speaker 2: don't have any interaction with him. We're not going to

106
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,360
Speaker 2: see him again. Let him know straight up. If that's

107
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,599
Speaker 2: not the case. If he is potentially going to be

108
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:56,559
Speaker 2: in the picture as he works himself out, then again,

109
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:59,560
Speaker 2: let your son know. But be really truthful, be really transparent,

110
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:03,320
Speaker 2: stick to the facts, and don't overshare. If your son

111
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:06,120
Speaker 2: wants to meet Dad. Again, the details matter here, and

112
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:09,800
Speaker 2: all the same things that I've shared absolutely apply. And

113
00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:12,120
Speaker 2: the last question that I thought your little guy might

114
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,800
Speaker 2: be asking is does Dad miss me? I think this

115
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,440
Speaker 2: is a really sensitive question, and what it's getting at

116
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,839
Speaker 2: is am I lovable? Does Dad love me? Am I

117
00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:24,960
Speaker 2: important to him? In relation to that question, I don't

118
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,760
Speaker 2: know how you answer it because I don't have the

119
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,000
Speaker 2: details of what's going on there, but I would hope

120
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:33,960
Speaker 2: that you could say to your little guy son, sweetheart, kiddo,

121
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:38,120
Speaker 2: I'm almost certain that he does, and let him have

122
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:42,800
Speaker 2: that feeling of safety and security in being lovable. And

123
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,240
Speaker 2: Dad's not here, not because of me, but because of

124
00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:48,599
Speaker 2: his own stuff. What you're doing here is you're giving

125
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,120
Speaker 2: him the answers that he needs. I think that you're

126
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:51,839
Speaker 2: able to give him the tools to cope as well.

127
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:54,000
Speaker 2: Some other tools that you could give him to cope

128
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:57,279
Speaker 2: outside of the conversation, good male role models, just having

129
00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:00,760
Speaker 2: good people in his life, Grandpa, uncle's friends. Maybe as

130
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:03,040
Speaker 2: he gets older, you could create some sort of a journal,

131
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:06,719
Speaker 2: some kind of a memory book of Dad. Perhaps, again,

132
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,160
Speaker 2: if that feels right for you, If it doesn't, disregardles,

133
00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,960
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm speaking from a really large distance. But

134
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,039
Speaker 2: letters activities. I mean, if you can write a letter

135
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:19,160
Speaker 2: to dad and get a postcard back, Wow, that could

136
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,720
Speaker 2: potentially be great, unless that's not safe. Again, you need

137
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,680
Speaker 2: to use your discretion and your discernment around this. It

138
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:28,520
Speaker 2: is a tough situation. Look, it's tough to grow up

139
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,040
Speaker 2: without a dad. But with a mum who's willing to

140
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,680
Speaker 2: keep the conversation going in a supportive way while still

141
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:37,040
Speaker 2: advocating for herself and protecting her son, well that's powerful.

142
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,640
Speaker 2: And it's tough to raise a son solo. But again,

143
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,159
Speaker 2: if you can advocate for yourself, keep the conversation going,

144
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,960
Speaker 2: and support your son, my sense is that you're going

145
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,880
Speaker 2: to be able to do this in a really productive

146
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:51,719
Speaker 2: and positive way. Question number two.

147
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,000
Speaker 3: My name is Lisa and I'm calling from Canada. I

148
00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:57,960
Speaker 3: listen to your podcast every day and I highly value

149
00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:01,560
Speaker 3: your work. I have three children. The eldest is eleven

150
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,520
Speaker 3: and going into grade seven in September, which means that

151
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:07,000
Speaker 3: she will need to go to a new school. I

152
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,760
Speaker 3: had been planning to overtake the school bus, thinking that

153
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,440
Speaker 3: it would help build independence that would also help make

154
00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:16,320
Speaker 3: the mornings easier. But then I listened to your podcast

155
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,640
Speaker 3: on pornography where it was casually mentioned that the school

156
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:23,000
Speaker 3: bus is triple X rated, and now I'm rethinking. Thanks,

157
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,520
Speaker 3: my daughter would be spending five hours a week on

158
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:27,720
Speaker 3: this bus, rade, and I want to do what's best

159
00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:29,760
Speaker 3: for her. I really love your thoughts on this.

160
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:33,520
Speaker 2: Well, Lisa from Canada, thank you so much for listening

161
00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:36,360
Speaker 2: every single day to every single episode that just I

162
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,360
Speaker 2: love the way podcasts can reach right around the world.

163
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:40,040
Speaker 2: It's great to have you listening. Thank you for doing that.

164
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,320
Speaker 2: And don't you hate those casual mentions of triple x

165
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,240
Speaker 2: rated content on the school bus? It gets into a psyche,

166
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,200
Speaker 2: doesn't It really affects the way that you're seeing things.

167
00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:51,440
Speaker 2: Let's talk about this. You've highlighted the advantages, Lisa. The

168
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,960
Speaker 2: advantages of your eleven year old being on the school

169
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:57,760
Speaker 2: bus are significant. The first one that really needs emphasis

170
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,040
Speaker 2: is this is an opportunity for her to develop a

171
00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:05,200
Speaker 2: really strong sense of independence, self efficacy, confidence, resilience. It's

172
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:09,760
Speaker 2: great for your daughter, that's the first thing. Secondly, the

173
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:13,000
Speaker 2: independence is great, but it makes your life so much easier.

174
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,800
Speaker 2: And I love my kids getting older because the older

175
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,440
Speaker 2: they get, the easier my life tends to be. The

176
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,160
Speaker 2: more they're able to do things independently, it feels good.

177
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:24,360
Speaker 2: I love that. So I'm going to share a model

178
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:25,880
Speaker 2: with you that I think will help here because that

179
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,720
Speaker 2: triple X issue, it can't be ignored. It does exist.

180
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,200
Speaker 2: It is a thing. On top of that, you've unfortunately

181
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,720
Speaker 2: got stuff like bullying and just exposure to degrading and

182
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,000
Speaker 2: course content we do. We work so hard to keep

183
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,680
Speaker 2: our kids safe, and then suddenly they hit sort of eleven, twelve,

184
00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:43,200
Speaker 2: thirteen years of age, they start catching school buses, they

185
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,160
Speaker 2: start being exposed to things, and you think, oh, my goodness,

186
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,199
Speaker 2: all that hard work has kind of just vanished. It's

187
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,400
Speaker 2: gone out the window. The model that I want to

188
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,520
Speaker 2: share with you should be helpful for you in discerning

189
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,640
Speaker 2: the best way forward. And the model was developed by

190
00:08:56,800 --> 00:09:01,480
Speaker 2: a researcher called Laura Walker. She's an adolescent researcher at

191
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:04,800
Speaker 2: Brigham Young University in the US. She came up with

192
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,200
Speaker 2: this model where she describes how we can cocoon our children,

193
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,959
Speaker 2: we can pre arm our children, and we can defer

194
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,800
Speaker 2: to our children. While we practice cocooning, pre arming, and

195
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:18,040
Speaker 2: deference to our kids, we can developmentally appropriately lead them

196
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:23,560
Speaker 2: along the path to their absolutely wonderful independence. Cocooning your

197
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,640
Speaker 2: kids means that you rup them up and hide them

198
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:27,600
Speaker 2: from the world. It means that you protect them, and

199
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,560
Speaker 2: there is a strong argument that we should be doing that,

200
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,160
Speaker 2: especially when they're young, or when they're being exposed to

201
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,360
Speaker 2: novel situations and they're not quite developmentally ready for them.

202
00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:38,719
Speaker 2: Cocooning is a good thing. People say it's rubbish and

203
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,280
Speaker 2: we shouldn't do it, but there are absolutely appropriate times

204
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,839
Speaker 2: to do that. I could coon my little kids from

205
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,080
Speaker 2: things that I expose my big kids to and that's

206
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:51,040
Speaker 2: developmentally reasonable to do. Pre Arming is the second thing

207
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:52,559
Speaker 2: that we would talk about now. Pre Arming is what

208
00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:54,520
Speaker 2: we say, Okay, I've cocooned you for a while, but

209
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:56,120
Speaker 2: pretty soon you're going to be at a point where

210
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,800
Speaker 2: you're going to be doing X, Y or Z. Catching

211
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,120
Speaker 2: the school bus, for example, and when you jump on

212
00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:05,120
Speaker 2: that school bus, there's a strong chance that you're going

213
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:09,040
Speaker 2: to be exposed to this stuff explicit content or bullying

214
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,679
Speaker 2: or course language or I mean, whatever you want to

215
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:13,360
Speaker 2: throw into the list. If you can imagine it happening

216
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,080
Speaker 2: on the school bus, you mention it and say hmm,

217
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,800
Speaker 2: that's what's going on there. So we're pre arming our child.

218
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:20,120
Speaker 2: Now we don't just warn them that this stuff's coming up.

219
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:23,560
Speaker 2: We actually develop plans with them, We ask questions about them,

220
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:27,360
Speaker 2: We help them to identify their values around those challenges

221
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:32,920
Speaker 2: and issues. As we do that, then we move to deference.

222
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:36,000
Speaker 2: Deference is okay, I've pre armed you, you've got some

223
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,640
Speaker 2: runs on the board, you've gone and tried this stuff,

224
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,280
Speaker 2: You've had some experience in life. What do you think

225
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:44,360
Speaker 2: you should do in this situation? And you can see

226
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:47,000
Speaker 2: how as kids get older and have more experience and

227
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:51,160
Speaker 2: more maturity, and they become more conscious of their values

228
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:52,720
Speaker 2: and of what's going on in the world around them,

229
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,800
Speaker 2: you can see how you would move from cocooning to

230
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:59,000
Speaker 2: pre arming to deferring to them. Now, there's a couple

231
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,319
Speaker 2: of intermediate steps. You've got cocooning, and then you've got

232
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,559
Speaker 2: reasoned cocooning. Okay, that's where you go from just bubble

233
00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:07,160
Speaker 2: wrapping them to explaining why you bubble wrapping them, which

234
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:09,920
Speaker 2: leads naturally into pre arming. And then you have reasoned

235
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,920
Speaker 2: deference where you explain what you think and then you

236
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,679
Speaker 2: defer to them based on your explanation and then you

237
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,559
Speaker 2: move into difference. Okay, that's just a little bit of

238
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:21,080
Speaker 2: additional detail on that model. In terms of your eleven

239
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:24,240
Speaker 2: year old jumping on this bus, I think that a

240
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:28,560
Speaker 2: three e's conversation, a pre arming three e's explore, explain

241
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,920
Speaker 2: in power conversation is what you want to do. Ask

242
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:33,080
Speaker 2: questions how you're feeling about the bus, what are you

243
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,680
Speaker 2: worried about, what do you feel good about? What do

244
00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:36,720
Speaker 2: you think is going to be like? And then make plans.

245
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,880
Speaker 2: I see you're worried about this, this, and this. What

246
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,040
Speaker 2: do you reckon would be the best way to encounter

247
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,959
Speaker 2: this and move forward from it? And then you can

248
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:47,559
Speaker 2: help your child to establish some plans and maybe even

249
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,199
Speaker 2: establish some relationships to make the school bus feel safer.

250
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,840
Speaker 2: I'm always going to sit near the bus driver, for example,

251
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,480
Speaker 2: or I'm going to sit with friends that I know

252
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,800
Speaker 2: as safe and make me feel safer and stronger to

253
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,679
Speaker 2: be around. I'm going to work on communication so I

254
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,400
Speaker 2: get to talk to my parents every day when I

255
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,520
Speaker 2: come home about what's been going on, and over time, Lisa,

256
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,560
Speaker 2: I think that your daughter is going to feel not

257
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:13,400
Speaker 2: just pre armed, but safe and strong doing that. What

258
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:17,360
Speaker 2: you don't want to do is live in fear, and

259
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:25,400
Speaker 2: this model with the explore, explain empower process underpinning it

260
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,400
Speaker 2: is I think what it's going to take to help

261
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:30,000
Speaker 2: you to enjoy those mornings without having to do the

262
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,960
Speaker 2: school run, waving goodbye to your daughter and saying have

263
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,240
Speaker 2: a great day and trusting that she's going to be

264
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:37,520
Speaker 2: okay on the school bus. I think, for the most part,

265
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,400
Speaker 2: if you can work through this, she will be okay.

266
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,480
Speaker 2: And the best part is if she's not because you've

267
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:46,360
Speaker 2: been having these conversations, she's going to come home and

268
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,760
Speaker 2: communicate with you, which means that you'll be able to

269
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:52,360
Speaker 2: take the appropriate action. Lisa from Canada, thanks so much

270
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,760
Speaker 2: for your call. If you would like to submit a question,

271
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:58,000
Speaker 2: we answer your questions every Tuesday on the Happy Families podcast.

272
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,000
Speaker 2: All you need to do is go to Happy family

273
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:04,040
Speaker 2: dot com dot a U, click on the podcast's link,

274
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:08,240
Speaker 2: and then record your question. It's that simple. The Happy

275
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,120
Speaker 2: Family podcast is produced by Justin Rowland from Bridge Media.

276
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,680
Speaker 2: Craig Bruce is our executive producer and for more information

277
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,640
Speaker 2: about making your family happier, we'd love for you to

278
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:18,920
Speaker 2: visit us at happy families dot com. Dot a