1 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:05,400 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. 2 00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,960 Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just 3 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:09,960 Speaker 2: wants answers. 4 00:00:10,039 --> 00:00:12,319 Speaker 1: Now, when we tell our kids to do something that 5 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:15,000 Speaker 1: they don't want to do, especially as toddler's they're kind 6 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,079 Speaker 1: of going, hang on, that's not what I want to do. 7 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:18,720 Speaker 1: And you're the person who's supposed to love me more 8 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:20,279 Speaker 1: than anything in the world, and you're telling me to 9 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:22,200 Speaker 1: do something that doesn't make sense to me because I 10 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:25,040 Speaker 1: want to be here now and now. Here's the stars 11 00:00:25,079 --> 00:00:27,880 Speaker 1: of our show, my mom and dad. Gooday. This is 12 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:30,360 Speaker 1: doctor Justin Colson. I'm the founder of Happy Families dot 13 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 1: com dot au and the author of six books about 14 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:37,040 Speaker 1: raising happy families. I'm here with Kylie, my wife and 15 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:40,479 Speaker 1: mum to our six daughters. Hi, Kylie, Hi, We've got 16 00:00:40,479 --> 00:00:42,720 Speaker 1: a Q and A that's come through a question via 17 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:47,640 Speaker 1: podcasts at Happyfamilies dot com dot you. We're talking toddlers today. 18 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,240 Speaker 2: Tracy has asked us a couple of questions in relation 19 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:53,720 Speaker 2: to her two and a half year old. She is 20 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:57,840 Speaker 2: dealing with tantruoms in lots of different areas, one of 21 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 2: them being dealing with transitions. We've got to leave the 22 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:03,120 Speaker 2: house and we have a tantrum because we don't want 23 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:05,240 Speaker 2: to go, and we've got to leave the park, and 24 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,039 Speaker 2: we're going to know the tantrum because we don't want 25 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:11,040 Speaker 2: to go. And so she's been resorting to bribes and 26 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,039 Speaker 2: you know, saying if you leave now, we can watch 27 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,440 Speaker 2: the TV when we get home, or if you leave now, 28 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:18,880 Speaker 2: I'll give you this this treat or this you know, 29 00:01:18,959 --> 00:01:21,480 Speaker 2: kind of favorite food or whatever. And she's wanting to 30 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:24,480 Speaker 2: know whether or not there's any detrimental impact to her 31 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,960 Speaker 2: children long term if she continues doing this. And then secondly, 32 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:33,319 Speaker 2: having this defiantly independent child who has to do everything 33 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:37,039 Speaker 2: for themselves, and if she inadvertently steps in and turns 34 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:39,160 Speaker 2: the light switch on and the doddler wants to do it, 35 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,080 Speaker 2: we've got massive tantrums again. And she doesn't know how 36 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,200 Speaker 2: to diffuse the situation, and so what she's having to 37 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:47,800 Speaker 2: do is just ride it out. So what can Tracy 38 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:49,640 Speaker 2: do to diffuse these tantrums? 39 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,120 Speaker 1: Let's dive into this. First of all, we've got to 40 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:55,160 Speaker 1: talk about developmental realities. When we're talking. We call it 41 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,240 Speaker 1: the terrible twos for a reason, because they're brains are 42 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,880 Speaker 1: not developed enough to understand the stuff that we want 43 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,840 Speaker 1: them to understand they're agitating for something that they want, 44 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,160 Speaker 1: we're agitating for something that we want. And it's like 45 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:10,800 Speaker 1: this unstoppable force meets an immovable object, where the unstoppable 46 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,480 Speaker 1: force we're in our way to do something. We've got 47 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,079 Speaker 1: stuff to do, and the immovable object is the toddler. 48 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,640 Speaker 1: There's a couple of reasons for this. First of all, 49 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,520 Speaker 1: our toddlers don't understand time. Like when you say we're 50 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:25,040 Speaker 1: leaving in five minutes, a toddler doesn't know what five 51 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:28,919 Speaker 1: minutes is. Toddler doesn't really know what we're leaving is. 52 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,240 Speaker 1: They kind of do a little bit, but they don't 53 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,400 Speaker 1: have the developed knowledge that we want them to have 54 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:38,120 Speaker 1: so that they can get themselves ready mentally for the shift. 55 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:40,040 Speaker 1: A couple of other things that are really going against 56 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,359 Speaker 1: them as well. There's this thing called theory of mind. 57 00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:47,840 Speaker 1: Theory of mind means that your toddler understands what's happening 58 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 1: in your brain. So you know, as an adult, Kylie, 59 00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:53,520 Speaker 1: when I want to do something, you can usually infer 60 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:57,560 Speaker 1: what my motivation is. If I walk into the kitchen, 61 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,840 Speaker 1: you can usually tell I must be hungry. But for 62 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:04,000 Speaker 1: a toddler, they don't know how to read another person's 63 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,880 Speaker 1: mind like we as adults seem to do an okay 64 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,560 Speaker 1: job at most of the time. It's not until they 65 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,680 Speaker 1: get to about the age of five, maybe even six 66 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,320 Speaker 1: for slower developing children, before they start to have this 67 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,280 Speaker 1: theory of mind. So when we tell our kids to 68 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:20,799 Speaker 1: do something that they don't want to do, especially as toddler's, 69 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,880 Speaker 1: they're kind of going, hang on, that's not what I 70 00:03:22,919 --> 00:03:24,560 Speaker 1: want to do. And you're the person who's supposed to 71 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,040 Speaker 1: love me more than anything in the world, and you're 72 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,920 Speaker 1: telling me to do something that doesn't make sense to 73 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,399 Speaker 1: me because I want to be here now, like there 74 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:33,360 Speaker 1: is only the present. I'm in the middle of something, 75 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,200 Speaker 1: and now you're asking me to stop. Why would you 76 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:38,360 Speaker 1: do that? That's really distressing for a toddler. So those 77 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:42,040 Speaker 1: two developmental realities, no concept of time and no theory 78 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:45,960 Speaker 1: of mind, that psychological brain development thing that won't happen 79 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:49,520 Speaker 1: for a few years. Plus the fact that toddlers really 80 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:54,000 Speaker 1: do live in the present make transitions really really tricky. 81 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:57,800 Speaker 1: Now that's the very brief developmental summary. What do we 82 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,880 Speaker 1: do well, you've worked in a little childcare for years, 83 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:01,800 Speaker 1: what did you used to do. 84 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,040 Speaker 2: I think there's a couple of things that are really 85 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,160 Speaker 2: really important, and they can be really tricky when you're 86 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,800 Speaker 2: in a family situation as opposed to a classroom situation, 87 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:12,000 Speaker 2: because things change regularly on the day to day with 88 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:17,840 Speaker 2: family life. But toddler's in particular need more structure than 89 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,880 Speaker 2: just about any other age group. They need to understand 90 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 2: and know this happens, and then this happens, and then 91 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:25,360 Speaker 2: this happens. 92 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,520 Speaker 1: So they like structure. They're like predictability. They like routine, 93 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:32,600 Speaker 1: which means that if they're watching their favorite show, Tracy 94 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:35,560 Speaker 1: at I don't know, maybe they're watching Bluey on the ABC, 95 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:38,719 Speaker 1: and that's what they do in the morning. And then 96 00:04:38,839 --> 00:04:40,520 Speaker 1: you say, as soon as blue is over, we get 97 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,480 Speaker 1: in the car and we go to the park, or 98 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:45,000 Speaker 1: as soon as mummies had a shower, we get in 99 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,560 Speaker 1: the car and we go to the park. What we 100 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,520 Speaker 1: want to do is we want to stack this habit. 101 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:51,080 Speaker 1: We want to create this routine, this predictability, and keep 102 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,560 Speaker 1: it as structured as is reasonable while still allowing for 103 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:59,280 Speaker 1: the appropriate flexibility that every family needs. That's the first thing. 104 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,839 Speaker 2: So those transitions, it might not necessarily be that you 105 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,800 Speaker 2: do the same thing every day, but you might have 106 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,599 Speaker 2: little cues that are the same every day that help 107 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,920 Speaker 2: your child to know that at the end of this song, 108 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,839 Speaker 2: or at the end of this show, or at the 109 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:19,919 Speaker 2: end of the timer going off, if you set a timer, 110 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,880 Speaker 2: there is going to be a change. So we're not 111 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:24,960 Speaker 2: going to keep doing what we're doing, because once you 112 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,640 Speaker 2: hear that queue, we're going to now move into the 113 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:29,680 Speaker 2: next activity. 114 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,000 Speaker 1: So in our home we used to we don't do 115 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,320 Speaker 1: it anymore. It probably should start again, But particularly when 116 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,920 Speaker 1: the children were younger, we would have a morning routine 117 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,520 Speaker 1: and the children all knew that when I played this 118 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,600 Speaker 1: song on the piano, everybody had to come into the 119 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,080 Speaker 1: living room it was family time. Before the day really 120 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,960 Speaker 1: got underway and everything went a bit haywire. They knew 121 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,560 Speaker 1: that that song was the cue. No matter what you're doing, 122 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,760 Speaker 1: drop it, come into the living room, let's have our 123 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,719 Speaker 1: family time. And you can create those same kinds of 124 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,080 Speaker 1: predictable cues that lead to the next thing, that lead 125 00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:00,560 Speaker 1: to the transition. And it's incredibly powerful to powerful for 126 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 1: Toddler's the second thing that I think we could probably 127 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:06,120 Speaker 1: give us a hint for Tracy in answering this transition's 128 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:09,960 Speaker 1: difficulty is just to set a timer because children don't 129 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,600 Speaker 1: understand what five minutes is or ten minutes. Let them 130 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,159 Speaker 1: know we're going to set the timer, and when the 131 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,359 Speaker 1: timer goes off, that's when it's time to leave. It 132 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:17,920 Speaker 1: could be the oven timer, you could use your phone, 133 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,599 Speaker 1: you can use an iPad or table or whatever it is. Ideally, 134 00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:22,920 Speaker 1: get them to set it because that way they're part 135 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:23,520 Speaker 1: of the process. 136 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:28,120 Speaker 2: And especially in Tracy's situation, she's got a wonderfully independent 137 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:30,560 Speaker 2: in dependence yeah, two and a half year old who 138 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,560 Speaker 2: just wants to do things for herself, and so this 139 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 2: is a perfect way to actually let her feel like 140 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,800 Speaker 2: she actually has control over what's going on. 141 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,279 Speaker 1: In her world. And you'll find that toddler's in fact, 142 00:06:40,279 --> 00:06:42,560 Speaker 1: you'll find that anybody who has that level of control 143 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:46,600 Speaker 1: over what's happening will then respond positively when the transition arrives. 144 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:51,440 Speaker 1: Let's talk about Tracy's dealing with the independence stuff with 145 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:56,080 Speaker 1: her toddler right after the break. It's their Happy Family's podcast. 146 00:06:56,240 --> 00:07:00,280 Speaker 3: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home tweens, teens and Screen Means. 147 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:05,400 Speaker 3: It's a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe Superscreen Solutions. Bye. 148 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:09,320 Speaker 3: Today at happyfamilies dot com dot au slash shop. 149 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,160 Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time 150 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,800 Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we 151 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:19,240 Speaker 2: are answering Tracy's dilemma about how we deal with toddler tantrums. 152 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,640 Speaker 1: Tracy said that she's got a child who is extremely independent. 153 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,480 Speaker 1: You know, it's like, you try to address them, No, 154 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,280 Speaker 1: I'm going to do it. They can't do it. They 155 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,840 Speaker 1: don't have the skills to do it. They've got no 156 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 1: idea what they're doing. But I've got to do it. 157 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,360 Speaker 1: Are you tried to feed them? No, I'm going to 158 00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:34,120 Speaker 1: do it. And no matter what you do, they insist 159 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,240 Speaker 1: on doing it. Drives you crazy, takes ten times longer 160 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:38,800 Speaker 1: than it should. You end up doing it anyway. But 161 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:41,480 Speaker 1: now they're having a big tantrum. We've got to be 162 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:45,560 Speaker 1: able to help them to manage that desire, that inbuilt, natural, 163 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,680 Speaker 1: healthy desire for complete autonomy. 164 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,720 Speaker 2: You know, it's been quite a few years since we've 165 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:54,360 Speaker 2: had a toddler in the house, but I can vividly 166 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:58,680 Speaker 2: remember each of our girls at some point being allowed 167 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 2: to do something that was driving me crazy because it 168 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,520 Speaker 2: was taking them way longer than they needed to do it, 169 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:07,640 Speaker 2: but just how proud they were when they accomplished the impossible. 170 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 2: And I think that, you know, as we look at 171 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:16,000 Speaker 2: this challenging situation, if we can just find a way 172 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,520 Speaker 2: to work through it and allow them the autonomy to 173 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:23,840 Speaker 2: master these skills. Over time, we just see this child 174 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,640 Speaker 2: who grows in confidence. 175 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,720 Speaker 1: The research on this is really important, and I can't 176 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 1: emphasize it enough to tell you exactly what the research says. 177 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,920 Speaker 1: I want to quote from my book twenty one Days 178 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 1: to a Happier Family. It says, in a study of 179 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,959 Speaker 1: mothers and infants, one year old children were taught to 180 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,959 Speaker 1: play with some toys by their mum. Then the children 181 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,880 Speaker 1: were observed as they played on their own. When mothers 182 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:48,559 Speaker 1: were controlling in the way they taught their children to play, 183 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 1: the children were less persistent and motivated to play with 184 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:54,120 Speaker 1: their toys than those children whose mothers had been more 185 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,760 Speaker 1: autonomy oriented in the way that they taught. Children with 186 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,280 Speaker 1: autonomy supportive mothers were delighted to have some free play 187 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,079 Speaker 1: and enjoyed playing with the toys even when the mum 188 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:02,960 Speaker 1: was gone. So you know, when you give your kids 189 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,040 Speaker 1: a toy and then you sit there and show them 190 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,480 Speaker 1: how to do it, how to use it. No, not 191 00:09:06,559 --> 00:09:08,160 Speaker 1: like this, do it like that? Oh no, no, no, don't 192 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,599 Speaker 1: push that button over there. You've got to do this 193 00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:12,720 Speaker 1: bit first. The more controlling the mums were, the less 194 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,480 Speaker 1: the children liked playing with the toy, and when they 195 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 1: got the free play opportunity, they pretty much ignored the toy, 196 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,240 Speaker 1: didn't want to go near there because their parents were 197 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:22,439 Speaker 1: too controlling, like it's in built. Whereas the children who 198 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:26,120 Speaker 1: were given the freedom to explore it with mum present, 199 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:29,440 Speaker 1: they ended up enjoying it more and persistent with play 200 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,960 Speaker 1: even during the free play period. That's the difference between 201 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:36,400 Speaker 1: autonomy support and being controlling. What I think is also 202 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,680 Speaker 1: really interesting is this. A follow up study eight months 203 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:42,280 Speaker 1: later showed those children with autonomy supportive mums at the 204 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,720 Speaker 1: original play session were still more willing to persist in 205 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,000 Speaker 1: their play and were actually more competent in the way 206 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:52,360 Speaker 1: that they played. So autonomy supportive parenting encourages kids to 207 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:58,080 Speaker 1: explore and become broader in their thinking, and children figure 208 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,840 Speaker 1: out their choices and their options themselves. It leeds to 209 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,400 Speaker 1: better outcomes. There was another study as well I'm just 210 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,880 Speaker 1: going to quote one last study because I'm geeking up 211 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,560 Speaker 1: with the science for just a sec. Another study showed 212 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,280 Speaker 1: six and seven year olds with their mums, same pattern 213 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:14,840 Speaker 1: of results. Children played with these construction toys with their 214 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:18,120 Speaker 1: mums and the way that mums spoke to their children 215 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:23,160 Speaker 1: was coded as either being controlling or autonomy, supportive, or neutral, 216 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,040 Speaker 1: and when the play session was over, the kids were 217 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,360 Speaker 1: left alone for five minutes for a free play session, 218 00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:29,319 Speaker 1: and the results showed that mums who were controlling in 219 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:33,240 Speaker 1: their talk had children who showed less intrinsic motivation to play. 220 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,400 Speaker 1: So the mums who were saying Okay, napple, there's one 221 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,559 Speaker 1: over there, or I think you should do that, they 222 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:41,400 Speaker 1: impacted that sense of control. When I'm thinking about Tracy's 223 00:10:41,559 --> 00:10:43,559 Speaker 1: experience with her two and a half year old, this 224 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:45,840 Speaker 1: little toddler, it reminds me of a dad that I 225 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:47,480 Speaker 1: spent some time with in Melbourne back in the days 226 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,319 Speaker 1: when I used to do one on one coaching. I've 227 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,640 Speaker 1: just done a big presentation at a school. I've shown 228 00:10:51,679 --> 00:10:53,200 Speaker 1: up in the living room of this family so that 229 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:56,200 Speaker 1: I can talk to mum dad, and they had a 230 00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:59,880 Speaker 1: babysitter looking after their little guy. I think his name 231 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,920 Speaker 1: was Cody, the little boy, and the dad said, he 232 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 1: just wants to do everything himself. It's driving me up 233 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:06,920 Speaker 1: the wall. I said, well, that's kind of what they do. 234 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,880 Speaker 1: He said, no, no, no, But I'll give you an example. 235 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,640 Speaker 1: We tried to leave the house the other night. It 236 00:11:10,679 --> 00:11:12,160 Speaker 1: was a bit later than normal. He probably should have 237 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:13,880 Speaker 1: been in bed, but we had to take him in 238 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:16,199 Speaker 1: the car to go and drop something off to someone's place. 239 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:17,920 Speaker 1: And as I walked out of the house, I flipped 240 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,000 Speaker 1: the light switch off, and he was like, he just 241 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 1: had this meltdown because he wanted to turn off the 242 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,840 Speaker 1: light switch. And I said, well, what did you do? 243 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:26,480 Speaker 1: He said, well, I told him to grow up and 244 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,439 Speaker 1: stop being a pain. And he put him in the 245 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,120 Speaker 1: car and he said he wouldn't get in his car seat. 246 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,680 Speaker 1: So he's got his fore arm across his chest and 247 00:11:31,679 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 1: he's got his knee and he's growing and he's trying 248 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:35,960 Speaker 1: to rip the sort of the what do you call him, 249 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:39,280 Speaker 1: the shoulder harness around this poor little I shouldn't laugh, 250 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:44,920 Speaker 1: but you know what it's like out of the and 251 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,920 Speaker 1: it's how hard is it to get a child? I've 252 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,280 Speaker 1: actually slidden down and slid down in my seat right now, 253 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,160 Speaker 1: almost on the floor because I being the toddler with 254 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,560 Speaker 1: the arms up and kicking and fussing. And I said 255 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,320 Speaker 1: to this dad, why'd you do that? He said, well, 256 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,240 Speaker 1: he's got to learn I'm in charge. I've switched the 257 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:58,719 Speaker 1: light off. I'm not going to turn the light on 258 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,040 Speaker 1: and let him turn it off. I said, well why not, 259 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,079 Speaker 1: let's walk through it. Imagine if he had this tantrum 260 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,000 Speaker 1: because he's independent and he wants to do things because 261 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:08,720 Speaker 1: he's big enough to do them. Now he thinks he's 262 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,120 Speaker 1: a big boy. Imagine if he gets upset and so 263 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,480 Speaker 1: you walk back to the house and say, sorry, Cody, 264 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,800 Speaker 1: let me give you the chance to do it. So 265 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,320 Speaker 1: you turn the light on and he turns it off, 266 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:19,160 Speaker 1: and then you walk out of the house and close 267 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:22,320 Speaker 1: the door. What happens then? And this dad he looks 268 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:26,480 Speaker 1: at me and he's like, probably nothing. I said, what 269 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,480 Speaker 1: do you mean? He said, he's just going to get 270 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,560 Speaker 1: in a car seat? Is he going to cry? No, 271 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,640 Speaker 1: You're going to have to force him with your knee 272 00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:34,600 Speaker 1: and your forearm, and you're gonna have to wrestle him 273 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:38,320 Speaker 1: into it. No. And I think when I hear a 274 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,640 Speaker 1: story like this that we've just got to give our 275 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:42,800 Speaker 1: kids a bit more independence, like get off their back, 276 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,600 Speaker 1: let them be independent, let them do stuff on their own. 277 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,560 Speaker 1: This is how they learn and grow. We want our 278 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:51,400 Speaker 1: children to grow up and be responsible and capable and competent, 279 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,680 Speaker 1: and yet we do everything for them. Two year olds 280 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,280 Speaker 1: are meant to do this. It's developmentally appropriate. So let 281 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:57,400 Speaker 1: them do it. And if they make a bit of 282 00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,559 Speaker 1: a mess, you clean it up. If they get stuck, 283 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,439 Speaker 1: walk in and say, oh, you look a bit stuck, 284 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:04,080 Speaker 1: how can I help? It's really that easy. I know 285 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:05,800 Speaker 1: I've taken a bit of time to share that, but 286 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:09,280 Speaker 1: the research evidence behind this is really clear. Our kids 287 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:12,800 Speaker 1: need connection and they need us to stop controlling. 288 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,320 Speaker 2: So what if we're in a situation though we've tried 289 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:20,480 Speaker 2: everything and no matter what we do, we just can't 290 00:13:20,679 --> 00:13:22,120 Speaker 2: do anything. 291 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:22,640 Speaker 1: Right by our toddler. 292 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,719 Speaker 2: They are losing the plot and it doesn't matter what 293 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,680 Speaker 2: we do. They just going for We could be at home, 294 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,439 Speaker 2: we could be in the shopping center, we could be 295 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,880 Speaker 2: at the park. They're just going for it. What am 296 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:33,400 Speaker 2: I going to do? 297 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:37,400 Speaker 1: So let's be really clear. Usually there's a build up, 298 00:13:37,679 --> 00:13:40,520 Speaker 1: there's something that has happened, and then something else has 299 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:41,360 Speaker 1: happened and it's built up. 300 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:42,559 Speaker 2: I'm going to say it's hungry. 301 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:46,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I was going to say, there's triggers right, Hungry, angry, lonely, tired, 302 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:50,360 Speaker 1: and stressed. My Halts Holts little system that I talk 303 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,440 Speaker 1: about all the time, there's these triggers on top of that. Though. 304 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:57,360 Speaker 1: Maybe we haven't given the appropriate transition time. We're at 305 00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:58,719 Speaker 1: the park and it's time to go, and we've said 306 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,800 Speaker 1: five minutes, but that doesn't mean any We haven't walked 307 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:02,440 Speaker 1: them through that. We haven't counted them down from five 308 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,640 Speaker 1: minutes to three minutes to one minute to okay, let's go. 309 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:07,839 Speaker 1: Maybe we're in the shops, like you said. I mean, 310 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,120 Speaker 1: I know that this is an unfair thing to say, 311 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:11,880 Speaker 1: But to the extent that it's possible, don't take your 312 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:14,840 Speaker 1: kids shopping. They hate going to the shops. Do anything 313 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:16,679 Speaker 1: that you can. I know not everyone can do that, 314 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 1: but to the extent that it's possible, get a babysitter, 315 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,920 Speaker 1: get someone to watch the kids, anything that you can 316 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,200 Speaker 1: to stop them or when you go there, set things 317 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,160 Speaker 1: up for success. 318 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,440 Speaker 2: It took me six children to learn that rule. I 319 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,880 Speaker 2: had spent so many years going and doing the grocery 320 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,280 Speaker 2: shopping with a whole heap of kids trailing behind me, 321 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,360 Speaker 2: and it was just hard torture. 322 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,160 Speaker 1: It was for you and for everyone else in the 323 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,880 Speaker 1: shopping center. So you set them up for success by 324 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 1: either giving them to a babysitter or to your partner, 325 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,000 Speaker 1: or by saying we're going to go into the shops 326 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,440 Speaker 1: and here's how it's going to go. So you give 327 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,480 Speaker 1: them a treat as you're going in, so they're contend 328 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:57,880 Speaker 1: they're not they're not hungry or angry, or the older 329 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,120 Speaker 1: kids you might say, I'm gonna get you to to 330 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:01,920 Speaker 1: assist me. There's going to be a bit of service. 331 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,520 Speaker 1: We're going to do a challenge. See if you can 332 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,280 Speaker 1: run down that aisle and get that before I go 333 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:07,800 Speaker 1: down this aisle and get that. We want to get 334 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,960 Speaker 1: the kids active and involved if they're big enough, or 335 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,320 Speaker 1: give them something to eat if they're too small to 336 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:15,360 Speaker 1: be involved. These are the kinds of really simple, practical 337 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,960 Speaker 1: things that we can do to help our children to 338 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:22,240 Speaker 1: navigate our lives, because sometimes they get dragged into them. So, Kylie, 339 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,840 Speaker 1: what's the take home message? If you were to summarize everything, 340 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,080 Speaker 1: we've talked about well. 341 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:30,280 Speaker 2: I think there's three key points. Routine and structure are 342 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,760 Speaker 2: imperative for our toddlers. They need to know that their 343 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:36,240 Speaker 2: life is predictable. Number two transition warnings. While they don't 344 00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:42,440 Speaker 2: actually understand the concept of time, they will understand those warnings. 345 00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:46,120 Speaker 2: And if you give them multiple warnings, you're more likely 346 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:46,920 Speaker 2: to be successful. 347 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,960 Speaker 1: I'm going to change the word warnings to reminders. It's 348 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,600 Speaker 1: just a little bit nicer. I don't want to be 349 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:53,400 Speaker 1: warning my toddlers about anything, but this is coming up. 350 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:57,520 Speaker 2: And then lastly, giving our children as much autonomy as 351 00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:01,000 Speaker 2: possible as going to give everybody a lot more peace. 352 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,280 Speaker 1: I mean, we could talk for ages about this. There's 353 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:04,840 Speaker 1: so much, but I think we need to wrap it up. 354 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,360 Speaker 1: Maybe I can wrap up by just highlighting this all 355 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,120 Speaker 1: the details about what I'm about to share on our 356 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,560 Speaker 1: Facebook page. Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families. We've got a 357 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:17,280 Speaker 1: summit coming up. This summit is called Little People, Big Feelings. 358 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:19,760 Speaker 1: The summit presented by Happy Families dot com dot a you. 359 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:25,080 Speaker 1: I've roped in eight of the world's best experts on 360 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:29,480 Speaker 1: toddler's We're talking about discipline, we're talking about fussy eating. 361 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,360 Speaker 1: We're talking about having fun and play. We're talking about 362 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,720 Speaker 1: discipline without damage. We're talking about when we should be 363 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 1: sending them off to daycare or childcare or preschool or 364 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,480 Speaker 1: KINDI or whatever it is that you call it. Where 365 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,360 Speaker 1: you are, Little People, Big Feelings is a summit for 366 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:47,360 Speaker 1: every parent of children under the age of five. It's 367 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:52,200 Speaker 1: incredible value. We've got a doctor Shefali Sabari that's Oprah's 368 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:55,640 Speaker 1: parenting expert, and a bunch of other people. All the 369 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,480 Speaker 1: details on our Facebook page Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families. 370 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,760 Speaker 1: It would be amazing to see you there. Let's wrap 371 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,440 Speaker 1: this up though. We hope that you've enjoyed. The Happy 372 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,399 Speaker 1: Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. 373 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer, and if you have 374 00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:11,320 Speaker 1: enjoyed the podcast, we ask you to please leave a 375 00:17:11,359 --> 00:17:13,640 Speaker 1: five star rating and review so that other people can 376 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,560 Speaker 1: find out about the podcast and make their families happier 377 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,000 Speaker 1: just like yours. If you'd like more info about the 378 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:22,159 Speaker 1: Little People, Big Feelings Summit, or just making your family happier, 379 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,720 Speaker 1: generally visit happy families dot com dot au for more details.