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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just

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Speaker 2: wants answers now.

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Speaker 3: And I need to have worn anybody who's listening to

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Speaker 3: this that most of them relate to either bums or poohs,

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Speaker 3: a wheeze or penises like that's just pretty much what

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Speaker 3: every parent's like.

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Speaker 4: I didn't expect this, and now here's the stars of

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Speaker 4: our show.

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Speaker 1: My mom and Dad.

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Speaker 3: Every few hours, I find myself cracking up. I keep

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Speaker 3: on remembering the story that we told on our Monday

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Speaker 3: podcast about Emily, our seven year old, out the back,

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Speaker 3: lifting up the dog's tail, toilet paper in hand.

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Speaker 1: Wiping the dog's bum.

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Speaker 3: I don't know why that image hasn't left me, but

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Speaker 3: it's kind of imprinted itself, and I keep on thinking

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Speaker 3: about it. So I jumped onto Facebook yesterday and oh

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Speaker 3: sorry the day before yesterday, and was writing about that

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Speaker 3: on Facebook, and then I just said, I'm just curious,

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Speaker 3: what have your kids done that made you feel as though?

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Speaker 3: This is not what I expected? And I thought today

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Speaker 3: we should talk about that, Kylie, what do you think?

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Speaker 2: As I've been reading the comments, I literally hands down.

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Speaker 2: I had to pick the phone up just after I

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Speaker 2: read a story that just cracked.

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Speaker 5: Me up, and I think the person thought I was

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Speaker 5: being like.

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Speaker 2: Weird, weird, Yes, totally weird, but I couldn't I couldn't

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Speaker 2: stop laughing.

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Speaker 3: It was terrible, which is really nice because after a

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Speaker 3: week of you crying about your haircut, it was nice

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Speaker 3: to see a smile.

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Speaker 1: On your face.

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Speaker 3: Don't don't talk about getting it fixed. That's all I'm saying,

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Speaker 3: getting it fixed and not going back to where we

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Speaker 3: went to. Hey, so I should introduce us.

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Speaker 1: I'm justin.

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Speaker 5: I'm Kylie.

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Speaker 3: We're the parents of six kids on the founder of

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Speaker 3: happy Families dot com dot U, and the author of

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Speaker 3: six books about raising a happy family. So I was

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Speaker 3: thinking after we talked about our child and her wiping

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Speaker 3: the dog's bum, like, why what I was? I was

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Speaker 3: thinking about it, and I just thought, I wonder if

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Speaker 3: I wonder if there's anything else that has happened with

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Speaker 3: our kids we've gone. I knew that being a parent

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Speaker 3: would provide us with all kinds of interest scenarios, but

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Speaker 3: this is not what I expected, and I thought.

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Speaker 1: Of one literally immediately. You know what I didn't expect.

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Speaker 3: I didn't expect that every single child would constantly saying,

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Speaker 3: can I please watch this?

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Speaker 1: Yet? Am I old enough to watch this? When can

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Speaker 1: I watch that?

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Speaker 3: Our kids have got this obsession with being because we've

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Speaker 3: got really clear limits on letting them see different kinds

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Speaker 3: of content on screens, and they're just constantly at us.

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Speaker 3: When do I get to watch the Marvel comic movies?

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Speaker 3: When do I get to do this? When I And

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Speaker 3: it's so tiring. I did not expect to be so

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Speaker 3: tired as a parent, really really did not expect to

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Speaker 3: be so tired as a parent, So tired.

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Speaker 5: So tired.

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Speaker 2: I didn't expect that every child would have an opinion

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Speaker 2: about everyone life.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and try to parent all of our children for us,

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Speaker 3: so that we couldn't do it ourselves.

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Speaker 5: While we're in the room.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I know.

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Speaker 2: I remember trying to parent my sisters when my parents

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Speaker 2: would leave me to babysit, But I don't I don't

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Speaker 2: ever remember taking over mum and dad's job while they

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Speaker 2: were literally.

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Speaker 5: Sitting in the room.

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Speaker 3: I didn't expect that it would be so hard to

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Speaker 3: get through a conversation.

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Speaker 1: Without an interruption. Oh, six daughters might do that to you.

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Speaker 2: Even yesterday, we sat down to have lunch and one

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Speaker 2: of our children had stayed home from school because she

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Speaker 2: was feeling unweir well, and she.

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Speaker 5: Literally walked in while you and I trying.

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Speaker 1: To have a conversation.

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Speaker 2: Oh yes, and she hadn't to tell us all of

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Speaker 2: this stuff. And you know, I love her and I

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Speaker 2: love that she wants to talk. But I literally had

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Speaker 2: to say, Dad and I have about ten minutes. We're

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Speaker 2: eating lunch. We just want to have a conversation uninterrupted.

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Speaker 3: But then instead of leaving the room, she's like, huh okay,

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Speaker 3: And so she just kind of hovered while I'm looking

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Speaker 3: at you, like I really want to talk to you

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Speaker 3: about stuff, but not while.

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Speaker 1: She's here, Like, go on, give us some space.

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Speaker 3: Didn't expect the constant intrusion on our space from big

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Speaker 3: kids as well as little kids. So anyway, we jumped

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Speaker 3: onto Facebook. All I jumped on Facebook and I wrote

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Speaker 3: this post and I said, so, what happened with you?

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Speaker 3: What were you not expecting? And can I read a

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Speaker 3: couple of these to you?

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Speaker 5: Oh? Only I'm allowed to read a few. Two.

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Speaker 3: Okay, I'm going to go with my favorite one first.

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Speaker 3: And I need to warn anybody who's listening to this

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Speaker 3: that most of them relate to either bums or pose

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Speaker 3: a wheeze or penises like that's just pretty much what

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Speaker 3: every parents are like.

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Speaker 1: I didn't expect this.

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Speaker 3: One mum said this some of the things I've said

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Speaker 3: that I never thought I would.

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Speaker 1: But I can't even say it. Please don't color in.

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Speaker 4: Your sorry, Please don't color in your brother's bum hole

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Speaker 4: with that text. Can you imagine that you're walking into

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Speaker 4: the room and here's the kid with the art line

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Speaker 4: black neco no permanent market dot.

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Speaker 1: Do it?

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Speaker 4: Don't do it?

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Speaker 3: And the same mum wrote The other thing that I

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Speaker 3: never thought that I would say was.

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Speaker 1: Why why are you licking the pole?

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Speaker 2: Just believing it reminds me one about children licked a

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Speaker 2: pole in the middle of winter.

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Speaker 3: We were joking about it and she decided to try it.

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Speaker 3: He's another one, another one that I thought was very, very,

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Speaker 3: very funny. This mom says my third child had an

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Speaker 3: obsession with sucking on the toilet brush. We had to

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Speaker 3: be so vigilant with keeping the doors closed to the bathrooms.

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Speaker 3: Still makes me feel sick. And my fourth child used

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Speaker 3: to nearly make himself vomit in the car by shoving

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Speaker 3: his shoelaces down his throat.

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Speaker 1: Kids are so weird.

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Speaker 5: We had a child who used to like sitting in

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Speaker 5: the toilet bowl.

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Speaker 1: Do you remember that? Yes, climate she wouldn't look at

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Speaker 1: us with practice Where I am, this is where the

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Speaker 1: action is Mum.

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Speaker 3: One of my absence taking a bath my way, I'm

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Speaker 3: washing my feet in the bath.

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Speaker 5: Well, if it wasn't the toilet bowl, it was the

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Speaker 5: dog's drink bowl. Used to sit.

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Speaker 3: Same kid used to kick the dog out of the

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Speaker 3: dog kennel so that she could sleep in it.

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Speaker 1: Oh, one of my favorites.

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Speaker 2: And this is something that I think every parent, I

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Speaker 2: mean every parent has experienced this.

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Speaker 5: Yep, taking toddlers into public toilet cubicles.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I know the one you're going to share

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Speaker 1: this she's so good.

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Speaker 5: So everyone has had the moment when the toddler says,

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Speaker 5: did you just do a wee bummy?

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Speaker 1: Yay for you, because we are bored the kids when

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Speaker 1: they finally do it themselves.

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Speaker 2: So she took it to the next step. She just

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Speaker 2: said another time the same child, are you doing a

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Speaker 2: pool mummy? Is it going to smell bad like daddy's poos?

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Speaker 2: I don't think I want to be in here if

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Speaker 2: you're going to do a poo, she starts to try

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Speaker 2: to open the door.

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Speaker 5: How many times have you sat in the toilet and

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Speaker 5: they've tried to open the door.

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Speaker 1: You're literally on the toilet so bad.

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Speaker 3: Don't ever take kids to shops, and especially don't ever

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Speaker 3: go to a public toilet for you when you've got

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Speaker 3: them and they're not needing to do it.

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Speaker 5: Oh.

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Speaker 3: Another one said, I really wasn't prepared for the number

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Speaker 3: of times I would have to say, keep your penis

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Speaker 3: to yourself.

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Speaker 1: See, we have girls.

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Speaker 3: Never had to say that one that don't really want

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Speaker 3: to ever have to say that one to anybody, just

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Speaker 3: saying I just want to be clear about that. Don't

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Speaker 3: ever want to have to say that one, keep your

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Speaker 3: penis to yourself. And another one that made me laugh

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Speaker 3: as well was this one one of our five children.

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Speaker 1: We have two boys.

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Speaker 3: One of the two boys tasted his poo to see

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Speaker 3: what it was like, and then proceeded to tell everybody

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Speaker 3: at school in show and tell.

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Speaker 2: A phrase I never thought I would leave. That would

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Speaker 2: leave my lips. Son, get your finger out of the

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Speaker 2: dog's body.

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Speaker 1: That's gross.

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Speaker 3: If you've not already gathered this is the content of

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Speaker 3: our podcast today We're just going to laugh at the

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Speaker 3: dumb things that kids do, the situations that we find

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Speaker 3: ourselves in that we did not expect, and we have

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Speaker 3: saved some real doozies for right after the break.

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Speaker 1: It's a Happy Famili's podcast for a happier family.

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Speaker 3: Try a Happy Family's membership, because a happy family doesn't

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Speaker 3: just happen.

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Speaker 2: Details at happy families dot com dot au. It's the

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Speaker 2: Happy Famili's Podcast, the podcast for the time poor parent

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Speaker 2: who just wants answers now and today, we are just

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Speaker 2: having a laugh.

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Speaker 3: In a state of never ending wonder and awe at

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Speaker 3: the way that our children surprise us with the situations

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Speaker 3: that we find ourselves.

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Speaker 1: In that we never expected to find.

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Speaker 2: Why is it that it's always pooh, we bums penises?

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Speaker 3: Why so, do you remember years and years and years

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Speaker 3: ago when our eldest was only probably i don't know,

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Speaker 3: three four five, something like that, and she was hanging

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Speaker 3: out with her cousins.

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Speaker 1: You walked into grandma's.

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Speaker 2: Room very quiet, which are always a warning sign it's

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Speaker 2: very quiet if the kids are quiet.

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Speaker 5: We knew the kids were upstairs.

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Speaker 2: But it had gotten really, really quiet, and so my

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Speaker 2: mother in law looked at me, and she said, do

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Speaker 2: you know what the kids are up too?

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Speaker 5: So let me just go check.

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Speaker 2: So I quietly walked up the stairs, opened the door

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Speaker 2: just to crack to see what was going on, and

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Speaker 2: I wasn't prepared for one. One of the children is

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Speaker 2: lying face down on the bed with their pants down. Well,

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Speaker 2: the other child has found my father in law's credit

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Speaker 2: card which was on his bedside table and there you

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Speaker 2: seeing the bumble crack as the card swaps.

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Speaker 3: Did you ever wash those credit cards so that my

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Speaker 3: dad didn't have to touch the modey?

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Speaker 1: Did you just walk out and leave them to it?

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Speaker 5: I don't even remember. I was literally a scarred card

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Speaker 5: for life.

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Speaker 1: I just I love it. This is not what I expected.

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Speaker 3: Is the name of today's podcast for a very good reason,

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Speaker 3: because you just you would never pick it. A couple

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Speaker 3: of other ones that stood out to me from some

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Speaker 3: very very funny Facebook followers at doctor Justin Colson's Happy

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Speaker 3: Families on Facebook. One mum said, my daughter was sitting

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Speaker 3: on my lap at three years old to vomit down

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Speaker 3: my top and my boobs caught it all.

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Speaker 1: That wasn't the surprising part.

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Speaker 3: The fact that I actually preferred the vomit there rather

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Speaker 3: than the shaggy rug was my unexpected moment. Oh thank goodness,

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Speaker 3: I landed on me and not the carpet, of all

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Speaker 3: the places that it could land at least.

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Speaker 1: I mean, it wipes off skin.

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Speaker 3: Pretty well, right, not a nice feeling. And the other

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Speaker 3: one that really cracked me up was was this one.

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Speaker 1: My mum just said.

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Speaker 3: I'd bought a new dice in vacuum and had left

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Speaker 3: the old one out.

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Speaker 1: For my husband to put in his workshop.

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Speaker 3: Anyway, I was resting after feeding bub and I could

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Speaker 3: hear my boys giggles, and I'm thinking, what the hell

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Speaker 3: are they doing. I go out on the verandah and

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Speaker 3: find my two boys with their nappies off, having a

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Speaker 3: great old time with their pants off, covered in love

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Speaker 3: bites over their privates from the vacuum, sticking there.

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Speaker 6: Willies inside the vacuum plank I and giving themselves great

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Speaker 6: big vacuum cleaners. She said that they were only about

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Speaker 6: four or five years old something like that. They're now

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Speaker 6: fifteen and seventeen. Still laugh about it. What a great story.

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Speaker 5: Oh God, so good, so good. There's another one here.

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Speaker 2: I had been with Mister three and Miss one at

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Speaker 2: the time, went to put on a load of washing

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Speaker 2: and came back to seeing them sitting on mister three's

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Speaker 2: bed with our laptop, soapy water and a scrubbing brush.

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Speaker 5: No, proudly cleaning daddy's pewter.

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Speaker 2: Oh no, first time I've ever had to drain a

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Speaker 2: laptop at the same.

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Speaker 1: I wonder if it was still working. Didn't expect that.

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Speaker 1: Just a couple of other ones.

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Speaker 3: And then we'll wrap this up and let you get

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Speaker 3: on with your day, because this is the podcast for

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Speaker 3: the time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 1: Now.

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Speaker 3: Years ago, my twin daughters, says one mum three at

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Speaker 3: the time, had an argument. One was playing with an

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Speaker 3: imaginary plane and the other one wanted it. I said, well,

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Speaker 3: you can just imagine your own one, but she wanted

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Speaker 3: her sisters. So then when she did imagine her own

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Speaker 3: imaginary plane, she got upset because it wasn't the right color.

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Speaker 3: I just, how do you logic with a child like that?

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Speaker 1: Unreal?

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Speaker 3: And the other one that really caught my attention and

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Speaker 3: made me think, wow, I wasn't expecting to have to

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Speaker 3: deal with this. A steak knife duel on the trampoline.

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Speaker 3: Can you imagine walking out of the backyard and seeing

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Speaker 3: the kids fighting sword fights with steak knife's volnead, jumping

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Speaker 3: up and down the trampoline. It's like somebody called child

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Speaker 3: protection quick and yet this is what kids do. Please,

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Speaker 3: please don't call child protection if you see someone doing this,

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Speaker 3: because kids don't know. They just goof off, they have fun,

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Speaker 3: They make all sorts of well, they had their moments,

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Speaker 3: don't they, And then they give us our moments as well.

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Speaker 2: My sixteen month old was sitting on the toilet with

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Speaker 2: a seat producer, probably after his nap, because that's an

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Speaker 2: easy time to get him to do a pee, not

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Speaker 2: toilet trained. Yet I asked for a high five to

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Speaker 2: distract him because it was taking him a while to pee.

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Speaker 5: He didn't go from my hand, and.

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Speaker 2: So I uttered the immortal phrase, stop high fiving your pennis.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Story after story about bums and penises and poohs.

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Speaker 1: I remember, we should wrap this up.

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Speaker 3: I just remembered as well, one of ours when she

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Speaker 3: was younger, she did a pooh in the pool area,

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Speaker 3: just literally crouched down right there on the pool edge.

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Speaker 3: And before we had an opportunity to kind of work

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Speaker 3: out how we were going to pick it up and

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Speaker 3: dispose of it.

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Speaker 1: The dog ran over to the pooh and ate it.

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Speaker 1: Do you remember that?

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Speaker 3: Literally it was gone? And once again I didn't expect that.

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Speaker 3: This is not what I was expecting when I had kids.

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Speaker 3: The purpose of today's podcast is really just to have

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Speaker 3: a laugh and to recognize that kids will do stuff that.

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Speaker 1: Well.

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Speaker 3: You can take it really seriously, or you can just

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Speaker 3: laugh and say that's kids.

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Speaker 1: That's having kids.

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Speaker 2: In the heat of the moment, sometimes we get so

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Speaker 2: caught up in everything and we forget to just take

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Speaker 2: a deep breath and realize that there is lots worse

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Speaker 2: going on around. Yeah, you know, the kids decided to

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Speaker 2: give me a pamper for Mother's Day.

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Speaker 3: Flooded, the bathroom flooded, the bus flooded, the rumpus room flooded,

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Speaker 3: the house.

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Speaker 2: But that story is going to be completely blazoned into

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Speaker 2: the Colson family history.

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Speaker 3: Now, Yeah, we're going to tell that story every year,

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Speaker 3: year in, year out, and.

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Speaker 5: You'll get more laughs out of it than you'll ever

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Speaker 5: get Aggs.

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Speaker 1: Hey, thanks so much for listening to the podcast.

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Speaker 3: Please go and have a laugh with your family about

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Speaker 3: all the dumb things that they've done, and just enjoy

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Speaker 3: and savor those moments because they really are delightful. Didn't

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Speaker 3: expect that, and that's really part of the joy of

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Speaker 3: family life. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin

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Speaker 3: Ruland from Bridge Media.

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Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer.

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Speaker 3: Craig, thanks for letting us say pooh and balm and

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Speaker 3: we and penis so many times in today's podcast.

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Speaker 1: We know it's not normal, and we won't do it again,

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Speaker 1: we promise.

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Speaker 3: If you'd like more information about how you can make

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Speaker 3: your family happier, please check out our Happy Families memberships.

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Speaker 3: They've made such a difference in so many families. You

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Speaker 3: can find all the info at happy families dot com

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Speaker 3: dot a.

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Speaker 4: You eight