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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, I came up and I got the air.

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Speaker 3: I got back on my board, I paddled back out

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Speaker 3: and I got some more amazing waves. That's really to

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Speaker 3: take our message big waves, parenting world heavy water. But

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Speaker 3: as long as we can stay calm, get out of

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Speaker 3: the sweep.

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Speaker 2: It'll work out.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy

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Speaker 3: Families dot com. Today you I'm here with Kylie, my

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Speaker 3: wife and unto our six daughters. Kylie, the weekend is

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Speaker 3: just around the corner, and that means our Friday episode

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Speaker 3: of I'll Do Better Too of the podcast is called

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Speaker 3: I'll Do Better Tomorrow. You know what I'm trying to say.

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Speaker 3: I'm excited for the weekend. I'll Do Better Tomorrow for

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Speaker 3: those of you who are new to the podcast, is

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Speaker 3: the opportunity that we take to reflect on the week

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Speaker 3: that was and work out how do we do things better?

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Speaker 3: Where do we go wrong, what do we do right?

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Speaker 3: How do we do better tomorrow? When it comes to

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Speaker 3: the way we raising our family, Kylie just before we

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Speaker 3: get into it, I want to reflect on last week's

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Speaker 3: I'll be about it tomorrow. If you didn't catch it,

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Speaker 3: I think the only way to talk about it is

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Speaker 3: to confess that I said last week that I wanted

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Speaker 3: to quit parenting. I'm done, I've had enough. Just over

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Speaker 3: it and we'll talk about this in just a sec.

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Speaker 3: But I hate to say it. It got worse. It

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Speaker 3: actually got worse. More to come on that in a moment. However,

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Speaker 3: as a result of our podcast, I shared what I

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Speaker 3: had talked about on Facebook and a couple of hundred

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Speaker 3: comments came through it. It kind of blew up the

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Speaker 3: parenting expert on Australia's leading parenting Educators saying that he

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Speaker 3: wants to stop being a parent.

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Speaker 2: I guess got people.

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Speaker 3: Most people were actually quite empathic and also shared, yeah.

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Speaker 2: I want to quit parenting as well. It's hard. But

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Speaker 2: I got one email.

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Speaker 3: In fact, we received this email from Kira, who emailed

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Speaker 3: us podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot and Kylie.

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Speaker 2: Here's what she said morning, Justin and Kylie, I'm in tears.

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Speaker 2: Thank you. It's funny, that, isn't it. I'm in tears.

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Speaker 2: Thanks so much for making me cry. Firstly, justin thanks.

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Speaker 3: For sharing your open and honest opinion about feeling over

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Speaker 3: parenting at the moment. It was greatly appreciated and deeply felt. Second,

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Speaker 3: Kylie is a number four whose eldest is currently sixteen.

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Speaker 2: You had me in tears.

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Speaker 3: I felt like maybe I've lost her forever, but to

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Speaker 3: know that she will come back if I can just

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Speaker 3: hang in there, maybe for a couple more years, was

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Speaker 3: so reassuring. I'm a long time listener, a huge fan

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Speaker 3: of supporter of your work, and having moved to the

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Speaker 3: Sunshine Coast in January last year. Also, I've thoroughly enjoyed

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Speaker 3: listening to you both every day. Thanks and enjoy your

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Speaker 3: wee time this weekend. So that was from Kira. What

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Speaker 3: a wonderful, wonderful email podcasts at Happy Families dot com

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Speaker 3: dot you if you have any feedback for us on

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Speaker 3: the podcast.

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Speaker 2: Kylie, I think that.

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Speaker 3: Off the back of that email and off the back

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Speaker 3: of last week's podcast, which is definitely worth a listen

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Speaker 3: if you missed it.

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Speaker 2: Let's talk about our I'll do better tomorrow this week?

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Speaker 2: Can I go first?

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Speaker 3: Since I've preempted go for it? Okay, it got worse

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Speaker 3: I wanted to quit parenting. When we recorded the podcast,

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Speaker 3: it went where on Friday had dropped on Friday, and

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Speaker 3: the weekend was even worse. In fact, in some ways, Kylie,

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Speaker 3: I felt like, how do I say this? Twenty something

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Speaker 3: years ago, when I quit my radio career and went

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Speaker 3: back to school so I could be a better parent,

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Speaker 3: I did it because I was just making such a

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Speaker 3: mess of things, And in some ways, I feel like

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Speaker 3: I'm no better now than I was then, Like I

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Speaker 3: just cannot believe how.

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Speaker 2: Difficult things have been.

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Speaker 3: Just recently, I felt like I absolutely blew it across

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Speaker 3: the weekend, and because I blew it so badly, it

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Speaker 3: put me into a great big spin. I was already

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Speaker 3: feeling lousy, but then I started to feel lousy er,

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Speaker 3: and I don't remember the last time that I felt

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Speaker 3: so bad for such a prolonged period of time. I

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Speaker 3: knew what I needed to do, I just couldn't bring

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Speaker 3: myself to do it. People recognized that I wasn't doing well.

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Speaker 3: They reached out, and I ignored them. Didn't want to

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Speaker 3: talk to anybody, because what am I going to say?

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Speaker 3: I don't have conversations with people about this awful stuff.

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Speaker 3: They can't do anything about either.

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Speaker 2: I don't want to talk about it. Really really, really

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Speaker 2: tough time.

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Speaker 3: And I had an experience while I was out surfing

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Speaker 3: trying to clear my mind. For those who don't know,

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Speaker 3: I love surfing, and because we live on the Sunshine Coast,

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Speaker 3: there was a cyclone off the coast of Queensland, which

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Speaker 3: means that we've had absolutely enormous surf for the last

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Speaker 3: week or so. I jumped off the rocks at my

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Speaker 3: favorite point break nearby, and it was treacherous jumping off

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Speaker 3: the rocks, really really dangerous, lots of water sweeping across

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Speaker 3: the rocks, and it's just not a it's not a

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Speaker 3: smart thing to do.

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Speaker 2: You have to be very experienced to do it.

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Speaker 3: But I got to the edge of the rocks, I

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Speaker 3: jumped off the rocks, paddled out, caught a couple of waves,

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Speaker 3: and at one point, after a few waves, I ended

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Speaker 3: up in this current and no matter how much I paddled,

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Speaker 3: I couldn't get out of the current. I was trying

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Speaker 3: to paddle back out past the waves. The waves kept

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Speaker 3: on coming through and pushing me into the current. The sweep,

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Speaker 3: the tide, all that sort of stuff was just holding

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Speaker 3: me in place, very very close to a really big

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Speaker 3: rock wall, and no matter how hard I paddled.

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Speaker 2: I just could not get out.

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Speaker 3: After about fifty minutes, I realized that I was in

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Speaker 3: a predicament, and so I turned my surfboard around and

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Speaker 3: I actually caught one of the waves even further into

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Speaker 3: well further away from where all the waves were breaking,

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Speaker 3: and basically I went into shore, climbed up the rocks,

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Speaker 3: ran back around the beach to the rocks where you

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Speaker 3: jump off, and this time I couldn't get back out.

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Speaker 3: The tide had changed in the intervening forty fifty sixty minutes,

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Speaker 3: and there was too much water sweeping across the rocks.

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Speaker 3: The surf was bigger as well, and it was simply

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Speaker 3: impossible to get off the rocks, and so I had

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Speaker 3: to run back along the beach and paddle out near

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Speaker 3: that rock wall where I'd been caught in that sweep already,

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Speaker 3: and it took me about twenty five minutes to paddle

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Speaker 3: back out and start catching waves again. As it happened,

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Speaker 3: I caught some of the best waves of my life

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Speaker 3: that day, and some of the biggest waves as well.

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Speaker 2: But while all this.

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Speaker 3: Was going on, I was reflecting on the whole parenting thing.

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Speaker 3: There's a metaphor here. This applies to parenting.

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Speaker 4: Well, as you were sharing a story, I was literally going,

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Speaker 4: this is explaining my whole life. Yeah, like literally, like

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Speaker 4: there are some times where I feel like I'm stuck

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Speaker 4: on the rocks and there's nowhere to go, Like everywhere

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Speaker 4: looks like it's covered in glass, and I can't, I can't,

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Speaker 4: I can't make a right move.

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Speaker 3: Well, there's no glass on the rocks at this particular

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Speaker 3: point break, but there's a lot of barnacles and there's

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Speaker 3: a lot of sharp things. I mean, I have Actually

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Speaker 3: I'm still nursing the wounds on my feet from a

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Speaker 3: few cuts from those rocks. But the reality is parenting

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Speaker 3: can feel a little bit treacherous. It can feel like

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Speaker 3: the water is sweeping all around us. It can feel

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Speaker 3: like there's so much coming at us.

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Speaker 4: Well that no matter how hard you paddle, you're just stuck.

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Speaker 3: Right And and that's what I was going to say. Even

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Speaker 3: if you get off the rocks and you get into

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Speaker 3: the water, there are some incredible highlights. There are some

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Speaker 3: moments where you go, oh my goodness, this is the best.

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Speaker 3: But then five minutes later, you're in that sweep and

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Speaker 3: you're paddling like hell to get out of it, and

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Speaker 3: you just can't and you have to turn around and

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Speaker 3: go back in and start all over again. And that's

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Speaker 3: kind of how it's been. That's kind of how it's

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Speaker 3: It's been really a tough kind of week, and it's

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Speaker 3: just been There's been a handful of moments where a

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Speaker 3: child has come in and sat on the bed and said, hey,

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Speaker 3: love your dad. Or what you did for Valentine's da,

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Speaker 3: which maybe you're going to talk about later on the shore,

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Speaker 3: but you did a really special Valentine's Day for me

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Speaker 3: and the kids and put together a big Valentine's wall

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Speaker 3: with all the different things that we love about everyone

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Speaker 3: in our family. And it's when you're in that sweep,

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Speaker 3: you're in that current and you put in the extra effort,

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Speaker 3: you paddle extra hard, or alternatively, you catch your wave

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Speaker 3: into the beach and you reset before you go back

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Speaker 3: out and face the waves again. And I feel like

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Speaker 3: that's what this week has been quite a lot for me.

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Speaker 3: So I ordered better tomorrow is reset, get out of

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Speaker 3: the sweep, get off the rocks, get into the place

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Speaker 3: where you can actually catch the waves metaphorically speaking, that is,

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Speaker 3: take a breather, go for a walk, talk to the kids,

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Speaker 3: do whatever you need to re set and get family

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Speaker 3: life back on track, because sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes

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Speaker 3: it's just really really hard, and we beat ourselves up

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Speaker 3: so much as parents when we get it wrong, especially

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Speaker 3: when we're reparenting expert and we' written books about it,

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Speaker 3: We're supposed to know all about it, and then we still.

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Speaker 4: Get it wrong.

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Speaker 3: Tough gig. So here's to a much better week with

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Speaker 3: a whole lot of resetts taken care of. Is there

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Speaker 3: anything about that you want to pick apart or add

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Speaker 3: two or do you want to share your older better tomorrow?

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Speaker 4: Well, I guess my experiences just flow on from that,

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Speaker 4: because obviously I'm intimately entwined in your experiences, and so

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Speaker 4: for me, watching you spiral downwards is always really challenging.

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Speaker 4: Unlike you, who has been given endless opportunities to practice

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Speaker 4: being empathic and sympathetic towards me and my down spirals,

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Speaker 4: I have not had the same ofortunities. You have always

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Speaker 4: been the.

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Speaker 2: Rock in our home.

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Speaker 4: You've been very pragmatic, You're not particularly emotional about things.

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Speaker 4: You have a lot more clarity of thought in stressful situations,

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Speaker 4: and so when you are not doing well, for me,

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Speaker 4: it actually is a little bit of a trigger, and

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Speaker 4: I think that there must be something I'm missing if

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Speaker 4: you're this worked up about it, even though I know

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Speaker 4: the circumstances, even though I know the situation, clearly, I

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Speaker 4: am not seeing everything because if I did, I would

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Speaker 4: be just as worried as you are, or I would

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Speaker 4: be just as upset as you are. There's something I'm missing.

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Speaker 4: That's how I see it. So it's not about the

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Speaker 4: fact that clearly this must be my fault or anything

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Speaker 4: like that. It's literally because I have such a high

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Speaker 4: respect and I guess or at the way you see

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Speaker 4: the world when you're not seeing the world the same

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Speaker 4: way I'm seeing it, All of a sudden, I I

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Speaker 4: go into panic.

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Speaker 3: Is it okay if I jump in for a sec

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Speaker 3: and just highlight two things based on what you're saying.

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Speaker 3: Every couple there's going to be somebody who's I guess

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Speaker 3: the I don't want to use this term because I

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Speaker 3: don't see myself as this, but for simplicity's sake, the

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Speaker 3: strong one, the anchor, the rock, whatever, whatever, metaphor you

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Speaker 3: want to use to me, that's you. But it's interesting

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Speaker 3: that you see me as that because I just think

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Speaker 3: that you're you're you're the glue that makes our family

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Speaker 3: hold together. Nevertheless, if you're saying that about me, the

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Speaker 3: pressure that the rock of the family feels in terms

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Speaker 3: of that, that's a lot.

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Speaker 2: That's a big weight to carry. It's a big weight

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Speaker 2: to carry.

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Speaker 3: And if you think that the entire emotional well being

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Speaker 3: of your family is predicated on you holding it together,

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Speaker 3: that that really boosts the challenge and it makes you

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Speaker 3: feel even worse when you're falling apart.

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Speaker 2: I think it's worth highlighting.

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Speaker 3: And also, secondly, if you're a single parent, if you're

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Speaker 3: doing it on your own, you know that it will

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Speaker 3: come down to you. I just want to acknowledge that

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Speaker 3: if you're a single parent right now and you're listening,

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Speaker 3: there's a lot.

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Speaker 2: There's a lot and shoulders. It's a heavy, heavy weight

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Speaker 2: to carry, and.

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Speaker 4: So often for me, the challenge is how to support

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Speaker 4: you when I'm actually slowly falling apart inside because you're

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Speaker 4: falling apart, and not taking any of it personally because

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Speaker 4: I actually, deep down understand that it isn't about me,

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Speaker 4: but all of my attempts to be helpful often hinder

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Speaker 4: the process because I actually kind of start to want

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Speaker 4: a problem solve. I just want to fix it because

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Speaker 4: I don't like this feeling at all. I don't want

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Speaker 4: this to continue. So I can see the solutions inside.

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Speaker 4: I know exactly what needs to happen, and I just

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Speaker 4: I want it fixed.

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Speaker 2: And how do I respond when you forget how to

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Speaker 2: fix it? You pretty much walked away. I can't do this.

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Speaker 4: I can't talk to you right now, and you left

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Speaker 4: because I actually know, I know, I know, And that's

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Speaker 4: what I struggle with more because I know you not

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Speaker 4: and I'm like, if you know, why are you not

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Speaker 4: just doing it? You know exactly what you need to do.

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Speaker 3: Sometimes it's just sometimes you just can't do it. Sometimes

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Speaker 3: it's just too hard. That's the challenge. That's the great challenge,

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Speaker 3: being able to get past that and do it. But

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Speaker 3: sometimes you can't. You're paddling and paddling and paddling, and

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Speaker 3: you just can't get out of the sweep.

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Speaker 4: And so I was really grateful that on Sunday I

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Speaker 4: had an opportunity to speak with a friend and just

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Speaker 4: I guess get my own perspective on things. And it

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Speaker 4: wasn't actually even about you. It was literally about me

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Speaker 4: and how I was processing what was going on and

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Speaker 4: just needing somebody to kind of say, I see you,

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Speaker 4: I get it. And this person hasn't experienced any of

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Speaker 4: the things that we're going through right now, but they

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Speaker 4: were able to literally weep with me and just recognize

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Speaker 4: that where I am right now, where we are right

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Speaker 4: now our family circumstances is really hard. It's just really hard,

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Speaker 4: and there isn't actually any solutions right now. It's just hard.

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Speaker 4: Just like you being out in that you know, massive

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Speaker 4: current and paddling and paddling and paddling and feeling like

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Speaker 4: you're not getting anywhere, that's kind of where we're sitting

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Speaker 4: right now with things. And so I was able to

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Speaker 4: come home with a little bit more clarity and just

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Speaker 4: calm and peace in a piece that it was going

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Speaker 4: to be okay. And you had sent me a text

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Speaker 4: earlier in the day to just kind of explain to

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Speaker 4: me how you were feeling, and the acknowledgment that you

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Speaker 4: know what you need to do and you don't need

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Speaker 4: me to tell you what to do, and that you

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Speaker 4: just needed me to love you. Yeah, And when I

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Speaker 4: sat down with you, I just said, I don't I

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Speaker 4: don't actually know what to do right now because I

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Speaker 4: think that I'm being helpful, but obviously everything that I'm

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Speaker 4: doing to be helpful actually pushes you further away from me.

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Speaker 4: And you were able to articulate just so beautifully that

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Speaker 4: you just wanted me to treat you as though there

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Speaker 4: was nothing wrong, that you weren't broken, that you didn't

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Speaker 4: need fixing, that you were just the person that I've

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Speaker 4: always loved, and that I would continue to love you

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Speaker 4: exactly the same way. And I took that on board.

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Speaker 4: And that was really hard because, in spite of the

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Speaker 4: fact that I know that what's going on is actually

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Speaker 4: not about me, I obviously will take things that happen personally,

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Speaker 4: and so trying to get into a space where I

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Speaker 4: can just go, you know what, this isn't about me

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Speaker 4: and he just needs my love right now took a

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Speaker 4: little bit of effort. But on Sunday night, I sat

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Speaker 4: down with all the kids and you kind of came

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Speaker 4: in halfway through it, and we were talking about Valentine's

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Speaker 4: Day coming up and all of those kinds of things,

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Speaker 4: and I asked miss Ate if she'd say our family

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Speaker 4: prayer to head us off to bed, and this most

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Speaker 4: angelic little girl just said the most beautiful prayer over

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Speaker 4: our family, that we would find a way to love

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Speaker 4: each other. And just that one little thing from the

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Speaker 4: youngest member in our family just melted my heart and

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Speaker 4: helped me to recognize that all any of us want

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Speaker 4: is love. No matter what we're experiencing life, we just

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Speaker 4: want to be loved. And so I was able to

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Speaker 4: kind of be what you needed me to be in

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Speaker 4: that moment, and over the next few days there was

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Speaker 4: just this beautiful shift. The load, the heaviness that we're

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Speaker 4: carrying is still there, but I feel like we're able

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Speaker 4: to come together in a way that lightened the individual

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Speaker 4: load that we were carrying together.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I hope that the take home message that

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Speaker 3: you get from this podcast is I guess two fold.

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Speaker 3: Number one, family life can be really hard, and even

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Speaker 3: without family life, life can be really hard.

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Speaker 2: Personally. We just we all carry a load and.

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Speaker 3: Sometimes we cope with it really really well, and other

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Speaker 3: times it gets too much and we just kind of

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Speaker 3: have to put it down and have a rest for

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Speaker 3: a day or two or a week or two, and

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Speaker 3: that's actually okay.

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Speaker 2: But we've got to be able to figure out.

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Speaker 3: A way that we can navigate our relationships and our

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Speaker 3: interactions with others while we're doing that. And I think

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Speaker 3: over time, you and I've gotten pretty good at it.

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Speaker 2: I mean, we've been married for twenty five.

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Speaker 3: Years next month, and it's taken a lot of practice,

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Speaker 3: but I think we're dealing with those tough times better

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Speaker 3: now than ever. The second thing that I hope you

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Speaker 3: take from this as a take home message is that life,

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Speaker 3: given enough time, sorts itself out. We get out of

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Speaker 3: the rip, the big waves stop, the cyclone goes away,

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Speaker 3: the ocean calms, we find an opportunity to catch the

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Speaker 3: waves and have those highlights. And I really want to

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Speaker 3: come back to that. While I was surfing over the

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Speaker 3: last week and we've had that cyclone swell, I have

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Speaker 3: literally had some of the best waves of my life.

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Speaker 2: But those waves have required a lot of work, so

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Speaker 2: much effort.

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Speaker 3: I have paddled, and I reckon I've lost about five

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Speaker 3: kilos from paddling so much this week, and I have

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Speaker 3: been in some rocky places, and I've also taken a

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Speaker 3: couple of beatings I took one hole down on one wave.

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Speaker 3: That was one of the longest hold downs that I've

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Speaker 3: ever had in my life. I was stuck on the

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Speaker 3: bottom of the reef, the rocks down there, and the

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Speaker 3: wave just kept on holding me down, and I knew

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Speaker 3: I had to stay calm. I knew I had to

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Speaker 3: just let the wave wash over me and eventually it

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Speaker 3: would pass. But at some point I started to realize

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Speaker 3: that I was running out of air. And as I

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Speaker 3: swam to the surface because the wave had gone, I

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Speaker 3: couldn't believe how far away the surface was. Like. It

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Speaker 3: was shocking to me how long I stayed out of

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Speaker 3: the water. But I came up and I got the air,

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Speaker 3: I got back on my board, I paddled back out

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Speaker 3: and I got some more amazing waves. And that's I

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Speaker 3: think that's really to take her message, big waves, pairing world,

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Speaker 3: heavy water, But so long as we can stay calm,

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Speaker 3: get out of this, it'll work out.

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Speaker 2: Have I pushed the metaphor too far or is that okay?

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Speaker 3: No?

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Speaker 4: I think it's great for me. For me, the big learning,

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Speaker 4: and it was amplified watching you go through it. Is

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Speaker 4: that when our kids are having big emotions as the

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Speaker 4: big people in the room. We just want to fix it,

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Speaker 4: and your experience with me trying to fix it was withdrawal.

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Speaker 2: Just treat me like nothing's the matter, leave me alone.

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Speaker 4: I can't do this. And so to see that and

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Speaker 4: recognize in such a just tangible way that all you

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Speaker 4: actually needed was for me to just love you seem

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Speaker 4: so easy. But it's really hard because we so often

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Speaker 4: take things so personally when our loved ones, whoever they are, kids, adults,

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Speaker 4: are like, are having big emotions, and.

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Speaker 3: Those big emotions are never about you. That was just

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Speaker 3: about what's going on inside the person.

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Speaker 4: But the load that it's taken off me to recognize

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Speaker 4: that it's not my responsibility to fix it. I don't

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Speaker 4: have to fix it. Yeah, I fix it by actually

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Speaker 4: just loving you.

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Speaker 3: Strong take her message. The Happy Famili's podcast is produced

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Speaker 3: by Justin Rowlan from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our

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Speaker 3: executive producer. Have a great weekend. We really hope that

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Speaker 3: if you're carrying a heavy load, that you find some

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Speaker 3: of those perfect parenting waves to catch across the weekend.

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Speaker 3: And if you'd like more information about making your family happier,

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Speaker 3: please visit us at Happy Families dot com, dot a