WEBVTT - Transform your response to setbacks using self-compassion, with Prof. Kristin Neff 0:00:00.720 --> 0:00:02.960 Did you know that if you make a mistake and 0:00:03.000 --> 0:00:06.400 beat yourself up about it, you're actually just making yourself 0:00:06.519 --> 0:00:10.480 even less productive. It turns out that if we applied 0:00:10.520 --> 0:00:13.640 self compassion in those moments, not only would we be 0:00:13.800 --> 0:00:17.439 kinder to ourselves, but we'd also handle our workload a 0:00:17.440 --> 0:00:21.360 whole work better. Professor Kristin Neff is a pioneer in 0:00:21.360 --> 0:00:25.000 the study of self compassion and was the first person 0:00:25.120 --> 0:00:28.480 to actually operationally define and measure it more than twenty 0:00:28.560 --> 0:00:31.760 years ago. Her work on self compassion has led her 0:00:31.800 --> 0:00:35.440 to become one of the most recognized and influential scholars 0:00:35.440 --> 0:00:38.720 in the field of psychology. Since then, she has gone 0:00:38.760 --> 0:00:41.880 on to write several best selling books about self compassion 0:00:42.240 --> 0:00:45.199 and is an associate professor at the University of Texas 0:00:45.240 --> 0:00:49.080 at Austin. In this episode, we discuss what self compassion 0:00:49.240 --> 0:00:52.320 actually is, how you can use it to better handle 0:00:52.400 --> 0:00:56.160 mistakes and failure, and how you can more easily say 0:00:56.320 --> 0:00:59.360 no to things that will leave you exhausted and tired 0:01:00.000 --> 0:01:09.320 about feeling guilty. Welcome to How I Work, a show 0:01:09.440 --> 0:01:13.840 about habits, rituals, and strategies for optimizing your dat I'm 0:01:13.880 --> 0:01:17.600 your host, Doctor Amantha imber To, start things off, I 0:01:17.640 --> 0:01:20.679 wanted Kristen to help clear up a little bit of terminology. 0:01:21.240 --> 0:01:24.640 The terms self care and self compassion get thrown around 0:01:24.640 --> 0:01:27.720 a lot, but what's the actual difference between the two 0:01:28.040 --> 0:01:30.559 and which one is really going to help us out 0:01:30.640 --> 0:01:36.840 in the long term. I would love to start by 0:01:37.520 --> 0:01:42.080 talking and understanding the difference between self care and self compassion, 0:01:42.319 --> 0:01:43.920 because I feel like a lot of people get confused 0:01:43.959 --> 0:01:44.680 with those terms. 0:01:45.000 --> 0:01:48.160 Typically, when people are talking about self care, they're talking 0:01:48.200 --> 0:01:52.760 about behaviors you engage in to help yourself, like maybe 0:01:52.880 --> 0:01:56.440 you know, taking naps or eating well, or visiting with 0:01:56.560 --> 0:01:59.360 friends or having some me time, those types of things. 0:02:00.280 --> 0:02:03.720 So compassion is, first of all, it's in the context 0:02:03.840 --> 0:02:07.200 of suffering in particular, and normally we think of that as, 0:02:07.440 --> 0:02:09.200 you know, how do we show up for other people 0:02:09.200 --> 0:02:12.160 when they're struggling. In the case of self compassion, it's 0:02:12.200 --> 0:02:14.519 how do we show up for ourselves when we're struggling, 0:02:15.440 --> 0:02:18.440 And so practicing self care might be one way we 0:02:18.560 --> 0:02:20.960 help that. Maybe we're stressed and over worked and we 0:02:21.000 --> 0:02:23.040 need to, you know, have some me time or take 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:25.919 a bubble bath, whatever. This there's nothing wrong with that, 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:29.800 but sentiences you may not have time to practice self care. 0:02:29.960 --> 0:02:31.519 You know, if you're in the middle of a busy 0:02:31.600 --> 0:02:34.000 meeting and you know your boss has said something you 0:02:34.040 --> 0:02:35.680 can't like, say I'm sorry, I'm going to go take 0:02:35.720 --> 0:02:40.200 a bubble bath now, you know. So compassion is how 0:02:40.200 --> 0:02:42.440 do you show up for yourself and those tough moments 0:02:42.480 --> 0:02:45.080 in life. And so it refers a little bit more 0:02:45.120 --> 0:02:49.200 to emotional self care being aware that we're struggling. So 0:02:49.240 --> 0:02:53.359 the three elements mindfulness, being aware that we're struggling, kindness, 0:02:53.480 --> 0:02:56.640 warm support, encouragement like having your own back like you 0:02:56.639 --> 0:02:59.880 would do a good friend. And then a really important 0:03:00.120 --> 0:03:03.679 makes it self. Compassion and not self pity is a 0:03:03.760 --> 0:03:06.200 sense of our humanity, Like you know, it's not really 0:03:06.280 --> 0:03:09.440 even though the word self is there, it's just remembering, Hey, 0:03:09.480 --> 0:03:11.920 we are a human being doing the best we can. 0:03:12.440 --> 0:03:15.600 We aren't alone. You know, all people struggle. There's something 0:03:15.720 --> 0:03:19.080 wrong with us for struggling. This is the shared human condition. 0:03:19.400 --> 0:03:21.640 I would love to know you around about some of 0:03:21.680 --> 0:03:25.160 the rituals that you have around self compassion. I love 0:03:25.240 --> 0:03:29.040 understanding people's morning rituals and evening rituals, ither things that 0:03:29.080 --> 0:03:32.840 you do on a daily basis to help foster self compassion. 0:03:32.919 --> 0:03:35.480 Well, there are The most common thing I do is 0:03:35.520 --> 0:03:38.480 whenever I notice any pain or discomfort coming out best 0:03:38.560 --> 0:03:42.440 primarily when I practice self compassion. So again and when 0:03:42.440 --> 0:03:46.280 suffering arises the passion, I am calm, I'm with it 0:03:46.360 --> 0:03:49.680 in a kind supportive way. So yesterday I was at 0:03:49.680 --> 0:03:52.440 a place I was doing this dance group I go 0:03:52.520 --> 0:03:54.960 to sometimes, and I have some painful memories come up. 0:03:55.400 --> 0:03:58.120 So I actually left to the side and actually sat 0:03:58.160 --> 0:04:00.480 there and put my hand on my heart. I was is, okay, 0:04:00.520 --> 0:04:03.839 the painful memories are coming up, and this was there 0:04:03.960 --> 0:04:07.720 for myself. Just I was with myself until I felt 0:04:07.720 --> 0:04:10.720 like I tended to what I needed that I went 0:04:11.000 --> 0:04:13.520 back into the dance. So that happens a lot, right, 0:04:13.600 --> 0:04:16.520 So anytime any painful thought or emotion or memory or 0:04:16.560 --> 0:04:20.360 stressor comes up, I'll practice self compassion in the moment. 0:04:20.520 --> 0:04:22.520 Can you tell me a bit of more about what's 0:04:22.560 --> 0:04:24.320 going on for you in the moment, like what you're 0:04:24.360 --> 0:04:28.919 doing with your body and what the thoughts are that 0:04:28.960 --> 0:04:30.839 are going on in your mind to help you through 0:04:30.880 --> 0:04:31.400 that moment. 0:04:31.680 --> 0:04:34.280 So the reason I almost ows use self touch as 0:04:34.320 --> 0:04:38.159 an aspect of self compassion, as we know scientifically that 0:04:38.200 --> 0:04:40.160 it's one of the most reliable ways to give our 0:04:40.200 --> 0:04:43.400 self compassion because it works through our nervous system. So 0:04:44.400 --> 0:04:46.200 I'm gonna have to get a little technical here, but 0:04:47.360 --> 0:04:51.800 normally when we're suffering or something painful happens, we feel threatened. Right, 0:04:51.839 --> 0:04:54.479 it's just something's wrong, right, this is a problem, So 0:04:54.520 --> 0:04:57.280 we go into fight flight or freeze. We activate the 0:04:57.320 --> 0:05:01.039 sympathetic nervous system. We get aroused the problem, which is 0:05:01.040 --> 0:05:04.159 often ourselves, so we criticize ourselves, or we flee into 0:05:04.160 --> 0:05:06.680 a sense of shame or isolation, or we freeze and 0:05:06.760 --> 0:05:10.160 we get stuck. And that's normal. It's natural. It's actually 0:05:10.760 --> 0:05:13.800 the most natural response when we notice some problem. We 0:05:13.880 --> 0:05:17.080 go into fight flight or freeze. Now, when our friends 0:05:17.080 --> 0:05:19.440 are good friends and loved ones, when they have a problem, 0:05:19.640 --> 0:05:23.599 we don't feel so personally threatened typically, and so that 0:05:23.640 --> 0:05:26.880 way we can use another system, which is the care system. 0:05:27.200 --> 0:05:30.920 So the care system is linked to the parasympathetic nervous system. 0:05:31.080 --> 0:05:34.760 Tendem to befriend. It's also a natural instinct for others 0:05:35.080 --> 0:05:37.160 to be there for others to be kind and supportive, 0:05:37.160 --> 0:05:39.680 and that helps them feel calmed down, also helps us 0:05:39.680 --> 0:05:42.320 feel calmed down. As well, so what we're doing when 0:05:42.320 --> 0:05:45.600 we touch our bodies, and we have research shows, for instance, 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:48.920 if someone puts her hand on your shoulder activates para 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:52.039 sympathetic nervous system response. If you put your own hands 0:05:52.040 --> 0:05:55.839 on your heart, it activates para sympathetic nervous response, reduces 0:05:55.839 --> 0:05:59.040 cortisol linked to fight flight or freeze. If you think 0:05:59.120 --> 0:06:02.159 about it a baby, you know that we're born to 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:05.400 interpret touches the signal of care. Well before you understand 0:06:05.400 --> 0:06:07.160 what your parents are saying to you, like I'm here 0:06:07.200 --> 0:06:09.479 for you, I love you, sweetheart. You don't understand anything 0:06:09.480 --> 0:06:13.000 as an infant, you do understand the soothing, warm touch, 0:06:13.760 --> 0:06:15.800 and so that's why it kind of is the immediate 0:06:15.920 --> 0:06:18.760 kind of bypasses. The brain almost goes straight to helping 0:06:18.760 --> 0:06:21.360 your body feel safe and cared for, and then it's 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:24.280 actually easier for the mind to follow. So that's why 0:06:24.640 --> 0:06:27.799 it is such a feely but it's scientific touchy feely 0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:30.839 because it works as there's you know, real reasons why 0:06:30.920 --> 0:06:34.120 it works. So you usually put hands somewhere. And by 0:06:34.120 --> 0:06:36.200 the way, if the stress or is your boss, you 0:06:36.200 --> 0:06:37.640 don't want to go like that, so you can just 0:06:37.680 --> 0:06:39.680 like fold your arms or any sort of touch is 0:06:39.720 --> 0:06:43.880 a really good way to ground yourself physiologically in your 0:06:43.880 --> 0:06:45.520 own care and support. 0:06:45.320 --> 0:06:47.320 And so to describe what you're doing for people and 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:50.159 not watching the video. Sorry, all right, okay, yeah, sorry. 0:06:50.400 --> 0:06:54.160 First instinct putting your hands or even laughing of your heart, this. 0:06:54.200 --> 0:06:56.320 Is a good one. It doesn't work for everyone. There's 0:06:56.640 --> 0:06:59.440 different types of touch that feel soothing and supportive for 0:06:59.440 --> 0:07:02.320 different people. So putting both hands over your heart center. 0:07:02.880 --> 0:07:04.920 You can also cradle your own face the way you 0:07:05.000 --> 0:07:07.719 might cradle the face of a child. You can give 0:07:07.720 --> 0:07:11.080 yourself a hug, or you can just kind of fold 0:07:11.120 --> 0:07:13.920 your arms in a way that isn't so obvious, but 0:07:13.960 --> 0:07:16.320 if you do it with the intention like I'm here 0:07:16.360 --> 0:07:19.720 for myself, you know, I'm present, I care about myself. 0:07:19.760 --> 0:07:22.200 That that type of feeling tone with the ad gesture 0:07:22.280 --> 0:07:25.640 folding your arms, it actually does. Research shows that changes 0:07:25.680 --> 0:07:29.200 your physiology. So that's one thing that's kind of step one. 0:07:29.280 --> 0:07:33.000 And then I usually add some language. I often add 0:07:33.040 --> 0:07:36.240 language kind of just acknowledging the different parts of me 0:07:36.320 --> 0:07:38.840 that may be hurting. And I say parts of me, 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:41.600 because sometimes there's a part of me that hurts, some 0:07:41.680 --> 0:07:43.880 part of me that does a part of me that's afraid, 0:07:44.000 --> 0:07:45.840 another part of me that's angry. So we're kind of 0:07:45.880 --> 0:07:48.200 we're complex. So I usually direct it to parts of 0:07:48.240 --> 0:07:52.520 myself and kind of really acknowledge again that I'm hurting 0:07:52.560 --> 0:07:54.559 in some way. I ask myself, what do I need? 0:07:55.160 --> 0:07:59.200 I usually talk to myself, not out loud, usually silently, 0:07:59.280 --> 0:08:01.920 like you know, I'm here for you, or I will 0:08:01.920 --> 0:08:04.400 protect you, I will stand up for you. It sounds 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:06.640 funny at first, it really does. You get used to it. 0:08:07.040 --> 0:08:09.840 You talk to yourself just like you would a really 0:08:09.840 --> 0:08:12.560 good friend or loved one or a close colleague in 0:08:12.640 --> 0:08:15.560 terms of showing your warmth, support and care and really 0:08:15.720 --> 0:08:19.760 commitment having your own back. It's so huge. Think about it. 0:08:19.760 --> 0:08:21.800 Most of us we do not have our own back. 0:08:22.400 --> 0:08:24.960 We cut ourselves down, We shame ourselves like we kick 0:08:25.000 --> 0:08:27.880 ourselves when we're already down. We make things worse, and 0:08:27.920 --> 0:08:30.560 the research shows it does make things worth both mentally 0:08:30.600 --> 0:08:33.840 and physically. So making that commitment to being there for 0:08:33.920 --> 0:08:36.079 yourself in a supportive way, just as like a good 0:08:36.160 --> 0:08:38.400 friend or a really good parent would, or a good 0:08:38.440 --> 0:08:41.679 mentor good coach, makes all the difference in our feelings 0:08:41.679 --> 0:08:43.880 of strength and resilience and ability to cope with the 0:08:43.880 --> 0:08:47.160 tough stuff. So I might say that so like, for instance, 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:50.480 I had these bad memories actually because it was something 0:08:50.520 --> 0:08:52.600 that happened that I wasn't happy with what happened, and 0:08:52.640 --> 0:08:55.240 I said, Kristen, I promise I will try not to 0:08:55.280 --> 0:08:58.440 ever let that happen again. I can't say that for sure, 0:08:58.720 --> 0:09:01.680 but it's like that commitment meant to you know, I'm 0:09:01.679 --> 0:09:03.640 going to really try not to put myself in that 0:09:03.720 --> 0:09:06.559 vulnerable position again where I was mistreated and you know, 0:09:06.600 --> 0:09:08.520 I'm so sorry this happened and I'm here for you, 0:09:08.559 --> 0:09:13.320 and that kind of speaking to myself it just really helped. 0:09:13.520 --> 0:09:18.240 Can I ask, is there a person or someone that 0:09:18.920 --> 0:09:21.199 you channel in terms of that language, because it sounds 0:09:21.240 --> 0:09:25.080 like such kind language and the language that a lot 0:09:25.160 --> 0:09:29.079 of us probably wouldn't use when you know, to ourselves 0:09:29.120 --> 0:09:31.560 when we're going through a tough time. So I guess 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:34.200 earlier in the days when you started, you know, first 0:09:34.200 --> 0:09:37.320 started researching self compassion, who were you thinking about to 0:09:37.520 --> 0:09:38.760 access that voice? 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:42.640 I was thinking about myself. Everyone already knows how to 0:09:42.679 --> 0:09:46.120 be compassionate to other people. So what I did do 0:09:46.200 --> 0:09:48.800 at first, and this can be very helpful. Is I 0:09:48.840 --> 0:09:50.800 thought like, oh, what would I say to my son 0:09:50.880 --> 0:09:54.640 in this situation? Or you know, it's very easy just 0:09:54.679 --> 0:09:57.319 to think about what would I say to someone else 0:09:57.360 --> 0:10:00.680 I cared about. We already have the compassion and template, 0:10:01.080 --> 0:10:04.160 and by the way, this is also inborn as mammals. 0:10:04.200 --> 0:10:07.080 We have the compassion template. We just have to remember, 0:10:07.760 --> 0:10:10.440 I think even more important than remember it, give ourselves 0:10:10.520 --> 0:10:12.280 permission to use it with ourselves. 0:10:12.480 --> 0:10:15.760 I would love to know from my reading self compassion 0:10:15.800 --> 0:10:19.480 is particularly important when you're facing a setback or when 0:10:19.480 --> 0:10:22.560 there's some kind of a failure. And I think about 0:10:22.559 --> 0:10:25.840 this particularly because this podcast is largely around work and 0:10:25.880 --> 0:10:28.360 we all face failures at work. I would love to 0:10:28.360 --> 0:10:30.960 know in your life whether there have been times where 0:10:31.480 --> 0:10:36.120 you've had failure or setbacks and how you've used self 0:10:36.120 --> 0:10:40.000 compassion or practices around self compassion to help you through that. 0:10:40.280 --> 0:10:43.800 Oh yeah, absolutely what it does. And so it hasn't 0:10:44.040 --> 0:10:47.000 prevented me from making mistakes. To be honest, I still 0:10:47.000 --> 0:10:49.920 make mistakes, but it does mean that when I do 0:10:50.000 --> 0:10:53.520 make mistakes, first of all, I don't shame myself for them, 0:10:53.800 --> 0:10:56.480 that I don't add to it by saying, yes, you're horrible. Christen, 0:10:56.480 --> 0:10:59.080 You're a bad person. I hate you. I just might know. 0:10:59.240 --> 0:11:02.760 Ooh that felt feelings of shame arise. Well, it happens 0:11:02.800 --> 0:11:05.599 to everyone, you know, everyone makes mistakes and it is 0:11:05.679 --> 0:11:08.160 how we learn. You know, what can I learn from this? 0:11:08.400 --> 0:11:08.520 Well? 0:11:08.520 --> 0:11:10.640 How can I grow from this? And when you do that? 0:11:10.720 --> 0:11:14.440 It's really interesting. So this research showing that people respect 0:11:14.559 --> 0:11:19.239 self compassionate leaders more. It's also for people in the workplace. 0:11:19.280 --> 0:11:23.320 The ability to give yourself compassion means, for instance, this 0:11:23.440 --> 0:11:26.520 is a really good one. It increases work performance. Of 0:11:26.559 --> 0:11:29.120 course it does. When you make a mistake and you 0:11:29.200 --> 0:11:31.559 kick yourself and you shame yourself, and you know, it's 0:11:31.600 --> 0:11:33.440 not really going to help you get a pup back 0:11:33.480 --> 0:11:35.080 on your feet again. It's just going to make you 0:11:35.120 --> 0:11:39.520 distracted and nervous and even more stressed. You look at me, right, 0:11:39.559 --> 0:11:43.000 So I've achieved some success and I have had setback. 0:11:43.040 --> 0:11:45.320 So of course I have had setbacks, you know, and 0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:49.120 worked and people criticizing this, you know it's academy or 0:11:49.320 --> 0:11:52.280 very political, people criticizing the scale I wrote and said 0:11:52.280 --> 0:11:55.640 I was crap and like almost literally things like that. 0:11:56.080 --> 0:11:58.600 You know, I didn't fold. When people criticize my scale 0:11:58.720 --> 0:12:02.720 actually teamed up with a kick ass psychometrician who said, no, actually, 0:12:03.080 --> 0:12:05.560 once you do it the right way, it shows that 0:12:05.600 --> 0:12:08.280 the scale is very good. You know, So I could 0:12:08.480 --> 0:12:10.800 I thought back, so to speak, but not from a 0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:13.720 place of defensiveness, but from a place that no, I think, 0:12:13.800 --> 0:12:15.680 I think the scale is good. I think it works, 0:12:16.000 --> 0:12:18.320 and how can I learn? And so I actually asked 0:12:18.360 --> 0:12:21.240 around my statistician friends, and I found someone who had 0:12:21.240 --> 0:12:22.920 the way to model the structure of the scale in 0:12:22.920 --> 0:12:25.920 a way that was actually superior. You know that that's 0:12:25.960 --> 0:12:27.560 the way it works. 0:12:27.800 --> 0:12:30.439 I would love to know when you're like aware of 0:12:30.480 --> 0:12:34.880 yourself talk around self compassion. I They have phrases or 0:12:35.000 --> 0:12:38.319 mantras or things that are quite helpful to come back 0:12:38.360 --> 0:12:38.640 to you. 0:12:38.720 --> 0:12:41.560 One of the things we teach, you know, I teach 0:12:41.679 --> 0:12:44.680 my books and my workshops and lectures is called a 0:12:44.760 --> 0:12:47.960 self compassion break. And it's a nice term because you know, 0:12:48.000 --> 0:12:49.839 when you're at work, you take a coffee break, or 0:12:49.920 --> 0:12:53.160 you take a bathroom break. Whenever you're struggling or stressed, 0:12:53.160 --> 0:12:55.920 you can take a self compassion break. It doesn't take long, 0:12:56.000 --> 0:12:58.880 could take maybe two or three minutes, and all you 0:12:58.920 --> 0:13:04.199 do is you intentionally bring in the three components of self, compassion, mindfulness. 0:13:04.400 --> 0:13:07.200 Just likecknows, this is hard. I'm hurting this, I'm scared 0:13:07.280 --> 0:13:09.520 or I'm stressed or whatever it is you're feeling, I'm hurt. 0:13:09.920 --> 0:13:12.800 Bringing in common humanity, this is part of life. I'm 0:13:12.800 --> 0:13:15.240 not alone. You know, it's only human to feel this way. 0:13:15.280 --> 0:13:17.959 There's nothing wrong with me for feeling this way. When 0:13:18.040 --> 0:13:20.280 we forget this and we think there's something wrong with 0:13:20.400 --> 0:13:23.679 us and we feel isolated and alone, it makes it 0:13:23.720 --> 0:13:26.400 ten times worse. And it's also not true, you know, 0:13:26.400 --> 0:13:28.680 it's the fallacy of the mind. So you bring in 0:13:28.679 --> 0:13:31.360 that common humanity, and then you bring in some words 0:13:31.360 --> 0:13:34.760 of kindness. I'm especially powerful of combined with the touch. 0:13:35.320 --> 0:13:37.800 So maybe put your hands in your heart or full 0:13:37.880 --> 0:13:41.080 d arms or whatever it's appropriate, and then just say 0:13:41.120 --> 0:13:44.600 some encouraging words. So for me, you know, people are different. 0:13:44.679 --> 0:13:47.120 I think based on my history, a really good phrase 0:13:47.160 --> 0:13:49.839 for me is I will not abandon you. It's kind 0:13:49.840 --> 0:13:53.040 of like that part of myself, that caring, loving part 0:13:53.080 --> 0:13:56.400 of myself that often that many people they abandon that 0:13:56.440 --> 0:13:58.720 part of themselves. It's like, no, I'm just I don't 0:13:58.720 --> 0:14:01.840 deserve kindness or I don't deserve support or you know, 0:14:01.840 --> 0:14:04.439 I'm just going to shame myself, like we're abandon it 0:14:04.440 --> 0:14:07.319 in ourselves in that moment. Not only do we abandon ourselves, 0:14:07.360 --> 0:14:10.000 we kick ourselves when we're down. So you know I 0:14:10.000 --> 0:14:12.439 will not abandon you. I'm here for you. How can 0:14:12.480 --> 0:14:15.400 I help? What do you need? Care about you? All 0:14:15.440 --> 0:14:17.400 those things that you just might naturally say to you 0:14:17.400 --> 0:14:20.000 a friend or a close coworker or something like that, 0:14:20.840 --> 0:14:21.960 it's really helpful. 0:14:22.160 --> 0:14:24.240 I love the idea of a self compassion break, and 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:26.520 it's just so practical. I think, when you're at work 0:14:26.520 --> 0:14:28.560 and you're having just one of those days, at one 0:14:28.600 --> 0:14:32.480 of those moments, would you be able to talk us 0:14:32.520 --> 0:14:35.880 through a self compassion break? Almost narrated, I can be 0:14:35.960 --> 0:14:37.960 one and happy to I would love you to lead 0:14:38.040 --> 0:14:39.320 one for us. And when I'm going to. 0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:41.080 Ask you, Amantha, I get to ask you to do 0:14:41.120 --> 0:14:42.560 it in real time, and then I'm going to ask 0:14:42.600 --> 0:14:44.960 you about how it went for you. Okay, you don't 0:14:45.000 --> 0:14:47.800 have to share what you're having ade me toward, but 0:14:48.000 --> 0:14:51.440 just the process excellent, all right. So we might want 0:14:51.480 --> 0:14:53.200 to close your eyes. You don't have to close your 0:14:53.200 --> 0:14:55.240 eyes in real life, but it helps, especially in this 0:14:55.320 --> 0:14:59.560 context to go inward. Okay, And so I'd invite you 0:14:59.600 --> 0:15:04.480 to think about something in your life that's troubling you 0:15:04.600 --> 0:15:08.600 or causing you stress. Perhaps it is something that works 0:15:08.600 --> 0:15:12.640 some stress or you're experiencing, or maybe you've made some 0:15:12.800 --> 0:15:16.720 mistake or feel like a failure at something. It also 0:15:16.800 --> 0:15:19.800 might be in your personal life, a relationship issue, or 0:15:20.200 --> 0:15:24.000 even be a health issue. I would invite people listening 0:15:24.040 --> 0:15:27.119 to this not to think of anything that's too stressful 0:15:27.200 --> 0:15:29.840 or overwhelming, because if you're overwhelmed, you are even going 0:15:29.840 --> 0:15:32.720 to be able to learn the practice. So choose something 0:15:32.760 --> 0:15:37.920 that's mild to moderately distressing. Call the situation to mind, 0:15:37.960 --> 0:15:44.840 what's happening, what's going on. See if you can feel 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:51.040 the discomfort of what's happening in your body. Notice usually 0:15:51.040 --> 0:15:59.200 those feelings of contraction or unease. Well, bring in mindfulness, 0:15:59.360 --> 0:16:03.640 just to become aware of and be present with the 0:16:03.680 --> 0:16:09.080 fact that it's hard to be feeling this or it's 0:16:09.200 --> 0:16:14.640 hard to be in this situation. I'm hurting. We don't 0:16:14.640 --> 0:16:17.000 want to ignore it. The other hand, we don't want 0:16:17.040 --> 0:16:19.640 to lose ourselves with it. We just want to see it, 0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:24.080 be with it as it is. This is hard and 0:16:24.160 --> 0:16:27.920 also to remember that things like this they're part of 0:16:27.960 --> 0:16:33.400 being human. There are probably literally millions of people experiencing 0:16:33.520 --> 0:16:38.640 something similar, you know, some some worse, maybe not as bad, 0:16:38.640 --> 0:16:41.920 but that the point is mainly that you are a 0:16:42.080 --> 0:16:45.800 human being. This is part of the shared human experience. 0:16:46.520 --> 0:16:52.680 You are not alone. There's nothing wrong with you or 0:16:52.720 --> 0:16:56.560 whatever it is you're worried about or thinking about. And 0:16:56.720 --> 0:16:59.320 this is part for the course, it's part of being 0:16:59.320 --> 0:17:04.600 a human being. We make mistakes, we struggle, stuff happens. 0:17:06.240 --> 0:17:11.080 We aren't perfect. No one's perfect. No one's life is perfect. 0:17:12.359 --> 0:17:14.560 Know it about you too. Go ahead and put maybe 0:17:14.640 --> 0:17:17.600 both hands on your heart, or fold your arms, or 0:17:17.600 --> 0:17:20.960 maybe cradle your face, use some sort of physical gesture. 0:17:22.400 --> 0:17:26.040 It really brings some physical warmth and support to yourself. 0:17:28.880 --> 0:17:35.080 Express our kindness through touch and also any words of support, 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:40.080 kindness and encouragement that are exactly what you need to 0:17:40.119 --> 0:17:45.400 hear right now, whatever your situation is. You know, perhaps 0:17:45.400 --> 0:17:49.919 it's something like you're doing the best you can or 0:17:50.320 --> 0:17:55.280 you've got this, I'm here for you, I won't abandon you. 0:17:57.480 --> 0:18:02.840 What do you need? And in fact, you might imagine 0:18:03.560 --> 0:18:06.479 what you would say to a friend who was in 0:18:06.520 --> 0:18:10.200 the exact same situation you were, Maybe easier to think 0:18:10.240 --> 0:18:12.159 of the appropriate thing to say if you think of 0:18:12.880 --> 0:18:14.639 what if you had a good friend it was in 0:18:14.680 --> 0:18:18.760 the exact same situation you were. Would you say to 0:18:18.800 --> 0:18:26.720 be supportive and kind and helpful, encouraging, maybe just validating, 0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:33.000 and then see if you can say something similar to 0:18:33.040 --> 0:18:46.159 yourself okay, and then you can open your eyes. So 0:18:46.200 --> 0:18:48.680 I did a slightly longer one to show the steps, 0:18:48.720 --> 0:18:51.080 but you can do it really quick. So what was 0:18:51.119 --> 0:18:52.200 that like for you? Amantha? 0:18:52.920 --> 0:18:56.640 Ah? I feel very calm and relaxed now, that's for sure. 0:18:57.080 --> 0:19:00.480 And I think some of the phrase is that you 0:19:01.560 --> 0:19:05.040 said they just they hit me, and it's like, oh, yeah, 0:19:05.400 --> 0:19:09.080 that's so true. You know, I'm not alone. And then 0:19:09.119 --> 0:19:11.320 there are yeah, a couple of other ones that I 0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:15.199 can't remember now, but it was, yeah, like the words 0:19:15.240 --> 0:19:19.480 really resonated, and it was interesting when I moved to 0:19:19.520 --> 0:19:22.600 put my hands on my heart that it just had 0:19:22.840 --> 0:19:27.760 such ad to really calming and warming effect as opposed 0:19:27.760 --> 0:19:30.720 to when I started the exercise in my hands were 0:19:30.800 --> 0:19:35.080 just by my side on the chair, So even that physicality, 0:19:35.800 --> 0:19:37.920 it made the experience feel very different. 0:19:38.440 --> 0:19:40.439 Yeah, you could put on your hands first, if you 0:19:40.480 --> 0:19:42.640 wann't as well. I kind of do it to emphasize 0:19:42.720 --> 0:19:44.840 the warmth of the physical touch, but you can do 0:19:44.880 --> 0:19:48.800 it at any point because it's largely working through your physiology, 0:19:49.320 --> 0:19:53.679 your activating and your comparisympathetic over system, the tandem affriend system, 0:19:53.720 --> 0:19:55.359 and that's probably why you feel calmer. 0:19:55.480 --> 0:19:58.040 Thank you for taking us through that, and I think 0:19:58.119 --> 0:20:01.719 for listeners, make a note of wherever that it was 0:20:01.880 --> 0:20:04.240 in the episode so you can come back to it. 0:20:04.320 --> 0:20:06.080 I know I will definitely be coming back to it. 0:20:06.600 --> 0:20:09.639 We will be back with Kristen soon. When we return, 0:20:09.720 --> 0:20:12.480 we'll be revealing strategies you can use to say no 0:20:12.800 --> 0:20:16.040 to offers and interactions that might leave you feeling drained 0:20:16.160 --> 0:20:19.800 or exhausted. We'll also get answers on how you can 0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:22.960 use self compassion when you're out and about and not 0:20:23.080 --> 0:20:29.760 just when you're quietly sitting at home without distractions. If 0:20:29.800 --> 0:20:32.439 you're looking for more tips to improve the way you 0:20:32.520 --> 0:20:35.679 work can live. I write a short weekly newsletter that 0:20:35.760 --> 0:20:39.240 contains tactics I've discovered that have helped me personally. You 0:20:39.280 --> 0:20:42.600 can sign up for that at Amantha dot com. That's 0:20:42.800 --> 0:20:52.040 Amantha dot com. I'm wondering like about self compassion exercises 0:20:52.119 --> 0:20:54.359 or practices that we can do when we're out and 0:20:54.400 --> 0:20:57.920 about and moving, like, what does that look like? Because 0:20:57.920 --> 0:21:00.439 that was one that I guess was you know, involved 0:21:00.480 --> 0:21:02.720 stillness simply you know the way we did it then, 0:21:02.960 --> 0:21:06.160 but what does it look like at the other end, right, right. 0:21:06.160 --> 0:21:09.120 So there's a lot of different practices you could do 0:21:09.320 --> 0:21:12.359 so when you're interacting with others. So, for instance, we 0:21:12.520 --> 0:21:15.480 trained a bunch of doctors and nurses at the local 0:21:15.600 --> 0:21:18.160 children's hospital here and they didn't have time to take 0:21:18.160 --> 0:21:20.160 a self compassion break. There were on the ward they 0:21:20.160 --> 0:21:23.480 were seeing sick kids of their parents. So we actually 0:21:23.560 --> 0:21:26.920 taught them a practice where you'd say breathing and they 0:21:26.960 --> 0:21:29.639 imagine as they are breathing out that they are breathing 0:21:29.680 --> 0:21:32.720 out compassion for the parents and the kids they were seeing. 0:21:33.040 --> 0:21:35.000 But then when they breathe in, they were breathing in 0:21:35.040 --> 0:21:39.399 compassion for themselves. So they actually did that practice on 0:21:39.520 --> 0:21:41.679 the wards they're going from room to room. You know, 0:21:41.720 --> 0:21:43.920 you have to breathe in and out or shall die, 0:21:44.880 --> 0:21:46.440 so you could you know, you also have to give 0:21:46.480 --> 0:21:48.760 yourself compassion as well as others, or else you will 0:21:48.800 --> 0:21:52.280 get drained and depleted. And burned out. So that's something 0:21:52.320 --> 0:21:55.400