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Speaker 1: A big focus this week on the podcast on the

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Speaker 1: topic body image. How do you feel about your body,

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Speaker 1: how do your children feel about their body? And what

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Speaker 1: are the messages that we're giving them when we talk

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Speaker 1: about bodies generally. Goday, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast,

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Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions every Day. This is Australia's most downloaded

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Speaker 1: parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Colson. I'm the

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Speaker 1: host or the co host and parenting expert on Channel

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Speaker 1: lines hit TV show Parental Guidance Season three. It's streaming

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Speaker 1: now on the nine Now app or you can watch

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Speaker 1: on Channel nine when it's live on Monday nights. We've

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Speaker 1: just had episode three go to air on Monday. Today.

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Speaker 1: We're reflecting on the things that happened yesterday. We talked

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Speaker 1: a lot about this challenge of standing in front of

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Speaker 1: the mirror with your children and asking them what they see.

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Speaker 2: I like my hair and my teeth.

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Speaker 1: I have bunions because I do ballet. I have acne,

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Speaker 1: which is kind of sad Ian color. It was a

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Speaker 1: really interesting discussion yesterday. I think we covered some great stuff. Kylie.

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Speaker 1: We were introduced to four new focus families, Elv and Sean.

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Speaker 3: We are authoritative parents.

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Speaker 4: We have high expectations on our children. In the meantime,

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Speaker 4: we set strict rules and boundaries.

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Speaker 3: Nick and Sophia we're the positivity parents where confidence is key.

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Speaker 3: Josh and Cassie we are the life school parents, and

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Speaker 3: we use real life experiences to educate our kids.

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Speaker 5: And Amandarin has Son.

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Speaker 1: We choose to parent the hard way. We don't take shortcuts.

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Speaker 1: It's hard on us.

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Speaker 4: We're easing the fund for the kids.

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Speaker 5: Today.

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Speaker 1: I want to reflect on something that came up, some

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Speaker 1: really painful memories for some of our parents, particularly Sophia,

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Speaker 1: our positivity.

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Speaker 2: Momth When I was younger, I didn't like my legs.

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Speaker 2: I used to get teased at school and they used

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Speaker 2: to be actually riding on the walls about Mummy's legs.

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Speaker 5: I didn't like.

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Speaker 3: My body at all. It's very important, especially being a girl, Okay,

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Speaker 3: that you don't let other people tell you what beautiful is.

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Speaker 3: You know how mummy always says that to you. Okay,

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Speaker 3: because we're all different, Okay, I love you. I would

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Speaker 3: binge and then I'd be like, oh no, no, no,

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Speaker 3: I'm getting too big. Now, let's scale that back to

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Speaker 3: like not eating, like that's just not healthy, you know.

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Speaker 3: And then all my friends were doing it. And I

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Speaker 3: think when you're young, you're very impressionable, okay, and if

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Speaker 3: you don't have a lot of support around you don't

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Speaker 3: have you know, parents that are guiding you, you know,

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Speaker 3: through that.

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Speaker 4: Type of stuff. I can definitely relate with that. I

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Speaker 4: was one of four girls. Two of my old sisters

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Speaker 4: suffered quite bad eating disorders growing up, and it did

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Speaker 4: stem from my dad was obsessed with the way he looked.

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Speaker 4: I remember I lost a lot of weight once when

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Speaker 4: I was younger. I was severely underweight and someone said,

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Speaker 4: I'm really worried about you. And I went to my

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Speaker 4: dad and he said, I don't know what they're talking about.

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Speaker 4: You look fabulous. And so it does come from the parents.

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Speaker 4: And you know, you're lucky if you can get out

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Speaker 4: of that without any repercussions.

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Speaker 1: Kylie, so many things that come out of that audio.

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Speaker 1: What are your reactions?

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Speaker 5: It didn't surprise me at all. But every woman in

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Speaker 5: that room had a story.

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Speaker 1: Yes, and there were serious, heavy stories. It was it

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Speaker 1: wasn't like, oh you when I was young, I didn't

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Speaker 1: like how I looked either. These were heavy eating disorder

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Speaker 1: challenging mental health kind of stories. Yeah, why did it

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Speaker 1: not surprise you?

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Speaker 5: Because as women, there has just always been so much

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Speaker 5: emphasis on the way we look and very little emphasis

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Speaker 5: on what we can do. And you think about that

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Speaker 5: from a generational kind of thing, girls weren't even encouraged

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Speaker 5: to be educated because it was actually just all about

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Speaker 5: how we looked and what we could do in the home,

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Speaker 5: without ever acknowledging what we were actually capable of doing

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Speaker 5: in any sphere.

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Speaker 1: You know what line really stood out to.

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Speaker 3: Me, You don't let other people tell you what beautiful is.

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Speaker 1: I just love that. For whatever reason, it resonated and

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Speaker 1: I thought, yeah, absolutely, Like society gives such a narrow

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Speaker 1: and unhealthy vision of what beautiful is. It focuses only

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Speaker 1: in one dimension, and I think that it causes so

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Speaker 1: much harm to so many young people. There was one

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Speaker 1: other standout point that came from the episode, and that

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Speaker 1: was when Courtney, the pro tech parent said, my dad

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Speaker 1: was obsessed by the way he looked. And I just

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Speaker 1: wanted to emphasize how much of the body image stuff

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Speaker 1: we carry comes from what our parents are saying about bodies. Kylie,

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Speaker 1: do you have any memories of being a teenager and

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Speaker 1: feeling awkward about your appearance or things that your parents said.

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Speaker 5: Typical teenager loved my sugar, really enjoyed you know, junk

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Speaker 5: food in general, and often I would find myself, you know,

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Speaker 5: eating I don't know, a donut or whatever else, and

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Speaker 5: my mum would watch me enjoy it and acknowledged that

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Speaker 5: I would regret that in the years to come because

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Speaker 5: I was going to end up with a bum like curz.

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Speaker 1: What sort of an impact does hearing that have on you?

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Speaker 5: So I was five foot ten and fifty four kilos.

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Speaker 5: To put that into context, I had a doctor recently

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Speaker 5: tell me that the easiest way to work out is

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Speaker 5: a healthy weight range for yourself is to take the

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Speaker 5: one off your height.

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Speaker 1: So five foot ten in meters is.

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Speaker 5: One hundred and seventy eight centimeters.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So taking the one meter off means that somewhere

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Speaker 1: around that seventy five to eighty kilo range would be

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Speaker 1: about right. Yeah, Yeah, And you were fifty four kilos.

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Speaker 5: I was fifty four kilos and it wasn't until I.

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Speaker 1: Was so you MU should have been saying, eat more donuts?

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Speaker 1: Is how are you getting at?

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Speaker 5: I was in a relationship and my boyfriend had taken

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Speaker 5: a handful of photos of me, and he shared some

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Speaker 5: of them with me, And in that moment, it was

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Speaker 5: like I was looking at somebody else. And what blows

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Speaker 5: my mind is how distorted our vision is. Yes, so distorted.

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Speaker 5: I would look in the mirror and I would see

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Speaker 5: someone who needed to lose weight, and I would pull

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Speaker 5: my body to pieces. And yet when I saw this photo,

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Speaker 5: all I could see was my clabacles just like popping out,

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Speaker 5: like I was skin and a bone, right. And I

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Speaker 5: remember at that period of time, my mum actually used

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Speaker 5: to follow me to the bathroom because she thought that

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Speaker 5: I must be vomiting.

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Speaker 1: And yet she's still giving you this message that donat

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Speaker 1: the doughnut.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, and I wasn't. I wasn't, but I wasn't eating.

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Speaker 5: So yeah, it took that photo to actually kind of

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Speaker 5: shake me up and make me realize that what I

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Speaker 5: was seeing in the mirror was a distortion of reality.

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Speaker 1: One of my favorite stories as well is when we

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Speaker 1: went on our first date, so you would have been

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Speaker 1: eighteen when we started dating. Yeah, and we went on

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Speaker 1: our first date and walked into the chuck Oal Chicken

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Speaker 1: shop down at Terego Beach, where I ordered a chicken

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Speaker 1: and some chips and then looked at you and said,

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Speaker 1: what would you like to eat? And you said, well,

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Speaker 1: I'll just have some of what you've ordered, and I said, no,

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Speaker 1: that's actually mine. What would you like to eat? And

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Speaker 1: I remember you saying to me a short while after

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Speaker 1: that that that was the day that you knew that

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Speaker 1: you could eat whatever you wanted around me and there'd

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Speaker 1: be no judgment. You were safe. That's obviously a bit

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Speaker 1: of levity in what's an otherwise really important, really hard conversation.

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Speaker 1: The impact of the words that we say are great.

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Speaker 1: I quote in Misconnection, my book about raising teenage girls,

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Speaker 1: research that shows that when parents, particularly fathers, say things

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Speaker 1: about their daughter's weight, if those children are under about

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Speaker 1: the age of I think it was eleven, twelve, thirteen,

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Speaker 1: something like that, by the time they're in their mid

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Speaker 1: to late teens, the likelihood of them having some eating

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Speaker 1: challenges goes up just so much. Again, I can't remember

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Speaker 1: the exact percentages now, but goes up enormously. The conversations

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Speaker 1: that we have really really carry weight. If you'll pardon

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Speaker 1: the quite unfortunate pun or turn of phrase, there up next,

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Speaker 1: we need to talk about how we can move into

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Speaker 1: healthier conversations around beauty and what is beautiful. That's in

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Speaker 1: just a sec on the Happy Families podcasts.

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Speaker 5: I want to play some audio of you saying something

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Speaker 5: pretty awesome.

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Speaker 1: When discussing body image, we need to move away from

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Speaker 1: beauty instead, emphasize functionality, emphasize fighting joy, focus on what

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Speaker 1: you can do, not what you look like. More than anything,

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Speaker 1: remember that beauty is best defined by who you are

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Speaker 1: and not how you look. Okay, so what do you

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Speaker 1: like about that?

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Speaker 5: For centuries we're focused on girl's looks. I said that

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Speaker 5: earlier in our discussion, and one of the things that

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Speaker 5: we have been really intentional with our girls is acknowledging

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Speaker 5: what their bodies allow them to do. But not only that.

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Speaker 5: When we focus on beauty, we talk about the qualities,

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Speaker 5: the attributes that make them a beautiful person.

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Speaker 1: You know, though it's not a physical appearance thing, it's

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Speaker 1: these are the attributes, the beautiful attributes of character that

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Speaker 1: make you.

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Speaker 5: You because those characteristics of good ness shine forth and

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Speaker 5: they actually make you a more beautiful person, like in general.

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Speaker 1: So can I jump in and read something from misconnection

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Speaker 1: because Misconnection is the book about raising teenage girls, and

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Speaker 1: it's probably the book that I'm most proud of. I've

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Speaker 1: written a few books that I really really like, but

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Speaker 1: this one, I just it's made such a difference to

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Speaker 1: so many families. I actually wrote this in chapter four,

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Speaker 1: pixel Perfect. I wrote the subheading is tell your daughter

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Speaker 1: she's beautiful. So a lot of people really don't like this.

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Speaker 1: They think that we should move away from telling kids

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Speaker 1: that they're beautiful because it's going to create some sort

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Speaker 1: of a complex in them. But this is what I

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Speaker 1: want to read to you, I said, I recognize that

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Speaker 1: this is a controversial thing to say, particularly because I've

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Speaker 1: been arguing in this chapter that identity is negatively impacted

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Speaker 1: by peers or parents' emphasizing appearance. But hear me out

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Speaker 1: on this. At a conference a number of years ago,

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Speaker 1: a man spoke to me after my presentation. I've been

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Speaker 1: discussing how our girls need to know we're proud of them.

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Speaker 1: He shared with me that he would see his little

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Speaker 1: girl all dressed up in her Sunday best before church

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Speaker 1: each week and tell her joyously how beautiful she was.

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Speaker 1: When she was about nine or ten. She said, Dad, Am,

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Speaker 1: I only beautiful when I wear a dress. It occurred

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Speaker 1: to him that he only ever complimented her appearance on

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Speaker 1: those Sunday mornings when she donned her dress. She thought

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Speaker 1: she wasn't beautiful at any other time. Karen Young, the

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Speaker 1: mastermind behind Hey Sigmund, says that girls should know their

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Speaker 1: beautiful regardless of their appearance. Beauty is defined by who

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Speaker 1: you are, not how you look. Her message study hard,

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Speaker 1: play hard, achieve failed, commit to excellence. We want our

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Speaker 1: girls to feel competent and capable and to know that

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Speaker 1: we believe in their beauty. My advice. Most girls want

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Speaker 1: to feel beautiful, let them know that they are always

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Speaker 1: your reactions.

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Speaker 5: I'm crying. Every girl wants to feel beautiful. But I

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Speaker 5: love that dad's recognition after his daughter asked him the question,

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Speaker 5: Am I only beautiful on Sundays because of what I'm wearing?

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Speaker 5: And I think it's just a really beautiful reminder to

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Speaker 5: us that we have such an important role to play

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Speaker 5: in helping our girls specifically recognize their beauty. And it's

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Speaker 5: not about what they put on. It's not about the makeup,

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Speaker 5: it's not about the dress. It's actually about who they are.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, it's not the dress. It's the girl in

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Speaker 1: the dress. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to sound cheesy,

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Speaker 1: but you're beautiful when you get weepy, stop it, all right,

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Speaker 1: very serious conversation. Tomorrow's episode, we're going to be talking

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Speaker 1: about what can happen when negative body image thoughts can

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Speaker 1: develop into serious, life threatening health issues. One of the

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Speaker 1: toughest conversations that we'll ever have on this podcast on

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Speaker 1: the disease that is anorexia.

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Speaker 4: Force yourself to eat it, Ashley, Yes, you can.

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Speaker 1: You can.

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Speaker 5: What is your voice saying right now?

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Speaker 4: Okay, so you need to do the opposite.

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Speaker 5: Look.

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Speaker 1: That's tomorrow on the Happy Families podcast, which is produced

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Speaker 1: by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our

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Speaker 1: executive producer. Mim Hammond's provides research and additional support. If

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Speaker 1: you think that your family will be happier because we've

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Speaker 1: shared this episode with you, please share it with others

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Speaker 1: if you can click and share just a couple of buttons,

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Speaker 1: takes I don't know, twenty or thirty seconds, and it

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Speaker 1: can make such an impact in the lives of so

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Speaker 1: many other families. We want to get the word out

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Speaker 1: that this podcast is a thing that makes a difference

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Speaker 1: if you can like it, share it, rate it, review it.

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Speaker 1: Those kinds of things make all the difference for us.

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Speaker 1: More information and more resources to make your family happier

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Speaker 1: available at happy families dot com. Do a