Speaker 1: Hello.
Speaker 2: My name's Santasha Nabananga Bamblet. I'm a proud yor the
Speaker 2: Order Kerney Whalbury and a waddery woman. And before we
Speaker 2: get started on She's on the Money podcast, I would
Speaker 2: like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land of
Speaker 2: which this podcast is recorded on a wondery country, acknowledging
Speaker 2: the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through.
Speaker 2: As this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and
Speaker 2: the storytelling of you to make a difference for today
Speaker 2: and lasting impact for tomorrow.
Speaker 1: Let's get into it. She's on the Money. She's on
Speaker 1: the Money. Hello and welcomed.
Speaker 3: She's on the Money podcast for millennials who want financial freedom.
Speaker 3: My name is Beck Syed and with me today as
Speaker 3: always is Victoria Divide Victoria.
Speaker 1: Look you damn its kidding? Well, thank you for having me.
Speaker 1: I'm very grateful. Of course, as personal as your money
Speaker 1: story in Savings Journey is the people we surround ourselves with,
Speaker 1: Beck actually have a really big impact on how we
Speaker 1: feel about money and how we spend and save. So
Speaker 1: I decided, I don't know if you're in for this,
Speaker 1: but you're going to want to be sit down today
Speaker 1: we're going to be talking all about how to respect
Speaker 1: your friends' savings and financial goals.
Speaker 3: I'm really excited about this one, to be honest with you,
Speaker 3: because I feel like it's going to be useful for
Speaker 3: a lot of people, including myself.
Speaker 1: I agree, including my friends. Do you know what, I
Speaker 1: watch a lot of tiktoks. We've talked about this on
Speaker 1: the show six million times before, but I've just seen
Speaker 1: so many tiktoks recently where you know, you know, how
Speaker 1: you can stitch a video so someone's video starts and
Speaker 1: then somebody else jumps in with their opinion. And I've
Speaker 1: just sin so many of those recently because I'm obviously
Speaker 1: on the money side of TikTok of people essentially, And
Speaker 1: I don't think if you called them ount and said
Speaker 1: you're shaming somebody else's financial goals, they'd agree with you.
Speaker 1: But your personal opinion should not come into play when
Speaker 1: we're talking about Beck's financial goals. Yes, like Beck, you
Speaker 1: could ask me how I think and how I feel
Speaker 1: and what that means, and we can have an open,
Speaker 1: honest conversation. But if you say, hey, V, I'm saving
Speaker 1: for X and I'm really excited about it. I have
Speaker 1: no right to turn around and be like, ah, that's
Speaker 1: not worth it. So we're going to talk about it
Speaker 1: today because I just think that people don't necessarily need
Speaker 1: to be put back in their boxes totally. It's not
Speaker 1: like you're doing the wrong thing. But I think sometimes
Speaker 1: we can accidentally, like you know, not respect our friends
Speaker 1: savings or financial goals by accident. And this is just
Speaker 1: a really good reminder and conversation that I think can
Speaker 1: make people feel a lot more empowered when it comes
Speaker 1: to money conversation. Totally.
Speaker 3: And we do get asked this all the time in
Speaker 3: our money dilemmas and get dms about this. It manifests
Speaker 3: usually bill splitting, gift expectations. It's all these little things
Speaker 3: in life that calls conflict and awkwardness. To be honest
Speaker 3: with your nearest and dearest, your friends, your family, it's
Speaker 3: exactly very awkward. We are not going to delve into
Speaker 3: this right now, but after the break we are going
Speaker 3: to go into the top signes you may be in
Speaker 3: a financially toxic friendship.
Speaker 1: Red smags, red friend bags.
Speaker 3: But before that, I want to ask you about your
Speaker 3: experience in your own life.
Speaker 1: I had it a lot when I was Yeah, do
Speaker 1: you know what, I still have it now, and it's
Speaker 1: not a bad thing. I would say that I'm surrounded
Speaker 1: by beautiful friends and family who all respect my financial
Speaker 1: goals and what's going on. But I feel like I
Speaker 1: do just have these like really ingrained memories of me
Speaker 1: saying no to things and having to like work myself
Speaker 1: up to tell a friend like, oh, no, sorry, I
Speaker 1: can't come to that weekend festival because I can't afford
Speaker 1: it or whatever it is, and then then being like, oh,
Speaker 1: why not, It's only three hundred dollars a ticket or whatever,
Speaker 1: and it just made me feel so icky and awkward,
Speaker 1: and like, I totally get that, my friend, they weren't
Speaker 1: trying to shame me or be rude or be mean.
Speaker 1: They were just trying to like involve me because they
Speaker 1: wanted me there, and that's so nice and so kind
Speaker 1: and all of that, and you try to see both
Speaker 1: sides of the story totally. But I think that that
Speaker 1: underlying I guess anxiety that I got was because I
Speaker 1: was scared of being shamed and scared of people telling
Speaker 1: me that my financial goal wasn't as important as this thing.
Speaker 1: That they were going to do. And even now, as
Speaker 1: you know a financially secure adult, some of the you know,
Speaker 1: financial decisions I make get looked upon by some people
Speaker 1: that we know and they go, why would you do that? Like,
Speaker 1: you know, we bought a house, that's fantastic, But then
Speaker 1: financial decisions after that, people are like, oh really, but
Speaker 1: don't you have a mortgage? And you're like wow, like
Speaker 1: you don't know the breadth of our financial situation or
Speaker 1: how much we've saved for that holiday or done whatever.
Speaker 1: So I don't think it's exclusive to not having enough money.
Speaker 1: I think that in general, people love to have opinions
Speaker 1: on your life and what's going on, and that doesn't
Speaker 1: necessarily make them right. But I think that in a
Speaker 1: way we do need to sometimes put blinkers on and
Speaker 1: just go, well, what is important to me? Like what
Speaker 1: are the things that are going to make me flourish
Speaker 1: and thrive and feel like my best self? And we
Speaker 1: need to put ourselves first.
Speaker 3: Yes, I completely agree, and I had very similar experiences
Speaker 3: with this kind of thing as well, Like I think
Speaker 3: for me, I just get a little fomo. I also
Speaker 3: find oh, I used to get heaps just so much
Speaker 3: fomo And I don't know if this is like at
Speaker 3: all relevant, but back in the day when my friends
Speaker 3: would want to go out and do things, I didn't
Speaker 3: have enough money to even go and do the things
Speaker 3: that they wanted to do. But also just going out
Speaker 3: every day with like a new outfit. I couldn't afford
Speaker 3: new clothes, I couldn't afford different things to wear, sort
Speaker 3: of go out in the same clothes, and I'd feel
Speaker 3: insecure about that. I'd feel insecure about not being able
Speaker 3: to go out and spend big money like all these
Speaker 3: little things. And I'm like, you know, sometimes it's easiest
Speaker 3: just don't tell.
Speaker 1: Your friends don't care about unique clothes. And I think
Speaker 1: the most important thing to remember is that true friends
Speaker 1: they want to see you succeed. They want to see
Speaker 1: you be your best self, even if it means adjusting
Speaker 1: their ways in which they spend time with you, totally right, Like,
Speaker 1: I just think that a true friend is somebody who
Speaker 1: is able to go, oh, I see it from your perspective,
Speaker 1: how can I help you with that goal or how
Speaker 1: can I help you along the way, not someone who's like, oh,
Speaker 1: got believe that wouldn't come Like I don't want to
Speaker 1: be your friend totally. That's not the type of friend
Speaker 1: behavior I accept. Neither should you.
Speaker 3: Beck, Thank you so much. One totally relatable experience, and
Speaker 3: I think we can all really this is when a
Speaker 3: friend suggests a restaurant or an outing that's out of
Speaker 3: your budget.
Speaker 1: But exactly as I was saying, you have fomo, I
Speaker 1: still want to go.
Speaker 3: We'll end up going and we'll spend more than when
Speaker 3: comfortable with and really bad.
Speaker 1: But here are a few stats. If you would, you
Speaker 1: are stat skilled today.
Speaker 3: I love it.
Speaker 1: What have you got?
Speaker 3: Okay, so a find A survey of Australians from last
Speaker 3: year found that one in five people that's twenty two
Speaker 3: percent have gone into debt or spend more than they
Speaker 3: can afford because of the pressure to spend. That is
Speaker 3: equivalent to four point three million people.
Speaker 1: So you're saying, in I guess a roundabout way, yes,
Speaker 1: so we're not alone. Everybody does it. Four point three
Speaker 1: million Other people also get for homo and also spend
Speaker 1: more than they should. Exactly, so it's not uncommon.
Speaker 3: Exactly. The stone also more than a quarter of Aussies,
Speaker 3: it's twenty eight percent.
Speaker 1: That's more than a quarter.
Speaker 3: Here's more than a quarter have felt forced into splitting
Speaker 3: a restaurant bill evenly, even if they have ordered less
Speaker 3: food than others.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: Absolutely not awkward when this happens. Absolutely not No, it's
Speaker 1: how do you deal with it? When you go to
Speaker 1: a restaurant. How does that happen? Like, let's say we
Speaker 1: haven't been out for dinner together before, or you should
Speaker 1: go out for dinner. We should, I'll pay so we
Speaker 1: don't have to split the bill. But if we were
Speaker 1: going to split the bill, how do we do that?
Speaker 3: It does get a bit awkward because I don't really drink,
Speaker 3: especially when.
Speaker 1: That's going to be a really terrible dinner. I'm saying
Speaker 1: that I can't use that lubricant of social interaction one
Speaker 1: out of ten.
Speaker 3: I mean, you can, everyone around me can. But this
Speaker 3: is where it gets a bit awkward for me. It
Speaker 3: depends who I'm going out with. Usually I'm going over
Speaker 3: my nearest and dearest, so there's no pressure to do
Speaker 3: that at all. I'm just like, hey, I actually didn't
Speaker 3: buy twenty bottles of wine.
Speaker 1: I had an Entrey and you guys are boost exactly.
Speaker 3: So it ends up being super easy, and we tend
Speaker 3: to just get one person to pay get the receipt.
Speaker 1: Pay what we bought. Yeah, that's stunning.
Speaker 3: But if it does come to that, god, it's awkward.
Speaker 3: Sometimes I just pay it because I'm like, I don't
Speaker 3: want to have a conversation about it. I just pay
Speaker 3: evenly even if it's not.
Speaker 1: So do you reckon? The advice would be like, jump
Speaker 1: on it first and be like, oh, hey, we should
Speaker 1: grab the bill and work out what everyone knows. Yes,
Speaker 1: is that a better way to do it? That's a
Speaker 1: red way. Yeah. I feel like getting on it early
Speaker 1: and being like the instigator of it, and you know,
Speaker 1: caring about everybody else, being like, oh, beck, I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna grab the bill so we can split it based
Speaker 1: on whateveryone's spent. Yeah, alright, worries, I'm just gonna grab it.
Speaker 1: Do you have a pen? I think it's so less
Speaker 1: awkward than someone being like yep, so we'll just split
Speaker 1: it even then go no, probably not as.
Speaker 3: Soon as you get to the restaurant, like take garld,
Speaker 3: I'm going to be this guy tonight, I'm not ordering
Speaker 3: blah blah blah blahlah, and then have that conceation as
Speaker 3: early as you can.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like on a money podcast, we arguably
Speaker 1: should be more aggressive and be like, oh, it's so awkward, Like, no,
Speaker 1: just bring it up. It's fine. But also like, we
Speaker 1: are women who exist in the real world, and like,
Speaker 1: I don't care how financially literate, I amost still get
Speaker 1: awkward having confronting conversations in social settings. So sometimes it's
Speaker 1: nice to have a little tool in your toolkit to
Speaker 1: use instead of having to have that confronting conversation. We're
Speaker 1: only human exactly, Like, I'm still going to apologize for things,
Speaker 1: even the way. No, I'm not sorry, you.
Speaker 3: Know, yes, good thing. You mentioned that actually because we
Speaker 3: are women. But I have it stat about men. Men
Speaker 3: have overspent substantially more than women to keep up with
Speaker 3: friends and families. Did you want the figure?
Speaker 1: I obviously want the figure, but I'm pretty sure that's
Speaker 1: because they earn more than us.
Speaker 3: This is what I was thinking as well, they've.
Speaker 1: Got more disposable income.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and also you know what they say, like guys
Speaker 3: take risks.
Speaker 1: And all that kind of stuff, But how much more
Speaker 1: do men spend than women?
Speaker 3: So an average figure, yeah, fifteen hundred and sixty dollars, Yeah,
Speaker 3: is nine hundred and twelve.
Speaker 1: That's significant. Yeah, it's like six hundred bucks more than women.
Speaker 1: It's almost double. Makes sense when they earn much more
Speaker 1: than we do, sure how much it may not makes
Speaker 1: sense to earn more for the same job. Yeah, that's true,
Speaker 1: so kind of like evens itself. And then lastly, yeah,
Speaker 1: millennials are the most vulnerable to financial peer pressure, with
Speaker 1: sixty nine percent having spent money because of social influence
Speaker 1: and relating to six percent admitting they've gone beyond their
Speaker 1: financial limits to do so. Nola, See this is where
Speaker 1: I want to pick people up and be like, we
Speaker 1: don't have to do it this way.
Speaker 3: Yes, exactly, But this brings me to the question, how
Speaker 3: would you manage a conversation with a friend if you
Speaker 3: were skin and they wanted to spend time with skint
Speaker 3: skint skint bondes.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I feel like, as we said before, open and
Speaker 1: honest is the key to success in every successful relationship, right,
Speaker 1: And that's where I don't know. There's obviously so many
Speaker 1: good like know your value, know your worth, all of
Speaker 1: these things where we say, you know, just set clear
Speaker 1: financial goals and be clear about articulating them to your friends.
Speaker 1: But again, then I think we need to balance it
Speaker 1: with the real world, and that doesn't mean you need
Speaker 1: to overspend, but having a few like tips and tricks
Speaker 1: in your pockets, so you know, before you go out
Speaker 1: for the dinner, maybe you go, oh my gosh, guys,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be coming from a friend's barbecue and
Speaker 1: I will have already eaten. I'm probably just going to
Speaker 1: get a non trade. Just to clue you up on that.
Speaker 1: I just feel really awful when I say things like this,
Speaker 1: because I think in this day and age, people expect
Speaker 1: more from me. They're like, no, no, no, you should be
Speaker 1: more aggressive about it. I'm like, yes, but that doesn't
Speaker 1: convert to people actually using these tips and tricks. Like Beck,
Speaker 1: you're not going to walk in and be like, oh well,
Speaker 1: Victoria told me to be more confident when talking about
Speaker 1: my money goals, so therefore I am like, that doesn't happen.
Speaker 1: So you know me going, oh well, Beck, actually, when
Speaker 1: it comes closer to the end of the night, why
Speaker 1: don't you be the one that suggests that we get
Speaker 1: the bill and work out what each person owes, Because
Speaker 1: then instead of someone saying, oh, well, actually, let's just
Speaker 1: split the bill, you're on the front foot and you
Speaker 1: can be like, oh no, actually, just think this is
Speaker 1: more fair for everybody involved, and it's not really a
Speaker 1: conversation as you're just putting down on the table. This
Speaker 1: is kind of how it's going to happen, because like
Speaker 1: if you have to have the awkward conversation like let's
Speaker 1: say Sally down the road or Sally on the other
Speaker 1: side of the tables, like, oh no, Beck will just
Speaker 1: split it evenly, it's so much easier. You go, well, actually, Sally,
Speaker 1: that's not fair because like you know, one of us
Speaker 1: doesn't drink and this and that the other get lost,
Speaker 1: Sally get lost. But like you're the one leading that
Speaker 1: conversation in a way instead of having to like put
Speaker 1: your hand up to Sally who said, let's just split
Speaker 1: it evenly, and you go, oh, it's a bit awkward.
Speaker 1: It's not fair. It's this like I just think that
Speaker 1: leading can often be something that gives you automatic confidence. Sure, right,
Speaker 1: And then it's also about setting expectations up front. As
Speaker 1: we've said before, there's no such thing as a friend
Speaker 1: that doesn't want to see you succeed. And if somebody
Speaker 1: doesn't want to see you succeed, they're a really terrible friend.
Speaker 1: Then we should be eating them out anyway, Get out, Sally. Bye, Sally, Sally.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, we've be so mean. What if there's
Speaker 1: somebody in our community listening right now and their name
Speaker 1: is Sally and they're like that the most wholesome, kind
Speaker 1: human being, and Sally's like they I would never do
Speaker 1: that Toime. Sorry, Sally, we're very Sally.
Speaker 3: I'm putting dirt on your name.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but we used your name because we liked it.
Speaker 1: We do you like it. It's a nice name. We
Speaker 1: do like it. But I think it's just about you know,
Speaker 1: actually having a chat with your friend. I think I've
Speaker 1: said this before on the podcast, Like reframe it. I'd
Speaker 1: be like, oh my gosh, you're in a cost of
Speaker 1: living crisis. All of my friends are struggling at the moment.
Speaker 1: How about we just grab a coffee instead of brunch
Speaker 1: and go for a walk and like kind of reframe it.
Speaker 1: You don't have to open up about like, oh, I
Speaker 1: don't actually have any money in my account right now,
Speaker 1: or oh I'm really trying to say for this if
Speaker 1: you're not comfortable with that, but like reframe it and
Speaker 1: be like, oh my gosh, you're probably feeling the pressure
Speaker 1: as much as I am. How about we xyz or
Speaker 1: why don't you come to my place and we'll make
Speaker 1: homemade pizzas. I actually have so much stuff in the
Speaker 1: fridge at the moment. Like, reframe it in a way
Speaker 1: that makes you comfortable while still outlining the boundaries that
Speaker 1: you have, and then if your friends still goes but
Speaker 1: I really wanted to try this fancy restaurant, you can say.
Speaker 1: And I think that saying oh, beck, I can't afford
Speaker 1: that is very different to oh, I haven't allocated money
Speaker 1: in my budget for that this month because I'm working
Speaker 1: towards something else, Like to your mind, if we do
Speaker 1: something else because I really want to achieve that goal,
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if you have clarity on that goal or not. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like you're setting a boundary and articulating it clearly. I
Speaker 1: don't care if you don't know what you're saving for.
Speaker 3: It could just be my goal.
Speaker 1: Is I couldn't even care if you just want to
Speaker 1: more cash in your account.
Speaker 3: Yeah, my goal is to be able to eat at
Speaker 3: the end of the base like.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, Like when there's two months month left for
Speaker 1: the money that you have. Yes, I think being able
Speaker 1: to say, oh, beck, Actually, I've just got a lot
Speaker 1: of things that I'm you know, working towards at the
Speaker 1: moment that's not in my budget. Reframing your whole way
Speaker 1: of articulating money is really powerful, because if you're saying, Beck,
Speaker 1: I can't afford it, that's you being like, oh, I
Speaker 1: can't afford something. No, no, no, Do you know what
Speaker 1: we can all afford it at the cost of something
Speaker 1: else better. Yes, at the cost of eating at the
Speaker 1: end of the month, at the cost of going on
Speaker 1: that holiday that you've been planning, at the cost of
Speaker 1: buying your friend a birthday present. There's a cost involved.
Speaker 1: What it is is going to depend on the circumstance
Speaker 1: you're in. But I think it's very powerful to turn
Speaker 1: around and say, well, actually, we don't use the term
Speaker 1: I can't afford it. Use the term like, I haven't
Speaker 1: budgeted for that this month, sure, or you know it's
Speaker 1: not in the budget, or you know I'm actually working
Speaker 1: towards something else, And any good friend will respect that
Speaker 1: and actually suggest something else that makes a lot more sense. True.
Speaker 3: Now, this actually does bring me to the next one.
Speaker 3: I was going to say, let's imagine the shoes on
Speaker 3: the other foot, and you want to hang out with
Speaker 3: someone who can't afford to maybe do whatever you want
Speaker 3: to do.
Speaker 1: Like, there are so many free activities. What would you Yeah,
Speaker 1: how would you do? You go for a walk? Then
Speaker 1: go for walk? We can go for a walk around
Speaker 1: the Tan. Actually, I have these really cool takeaway cups,
Speaker 1: and I'm really good at making an espresso martini. Don't
Speaker 1: sneak one of those into the cup. Perfect, I'll bring
Speaker 1: it to the Tan and everyone will think we're drinking
Speaker 1: real coffee.
Speaker 2: Yet.
Speaker 1: How good is that for a Friday afternoon?
Speaker 3: Does sound fun?
Speaker 1: Actually, Beck, it's Saturday morning. I have so much bread
Speaker 1: in the freezer. How about we have a little picnic.
Speaker 1: I am going to make a little toast buffet. I'm
Speaker 1: going to bring the whole heap of different gems and spreads.
Speaker 1: I have an awesome flask. Yeah, I'm gonna put tea
Speaker 1: in there. What's your favorite tea? Oh? You want jasmine tea?
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, We're gonna have jasmine tea and toast
Speaker 1: in the park. And I think that's gonna be cute.
Speaker 1: Do you want to bring the blanket? That's cutey? I like,
Speaker 1: do you want to go? Do you have a speaker,
Speaker 1: Can you be in charge of the music.
Speaker 3: It's so cheap free in free speaker is free ones
Speaker 3: you've made for it, but could.
Speaker 1: You please make sure it's charged though. Don't want to
Speaker 1: get to the park and then have to pay it off.
Speaker 1: Don't ruin it for everyone, Bet, put.
Speaker 3: Your phone in a glass or a cup.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we've all been there, we've all been there. We've
Speaker 1: all been there. But like, there are so many things
Speaker 1: that you can do, and to be honest, I could
Speaker 1: reframe that and be like Beck and I couldn't afford
Speaker 1: to go out for breakfast, so we ate cold toast
Speaker 1: in the park. Yeah sounds terrible, but like, why can't
Speaker 1: we embrace things and make them a little bit more fun? Sure,
Speaker 1: you don't necessarily have to, you know, have my frozen
Speaker 1: toast that I already had and have a fun time
Speaker 1: with it. Beck, we could swing past coals and get
Speaker 1: some fresh croissants, like you know how you can buy
Speaker 1: them in like a three or four pack, real cheap.
Speaker 1: And why don't we get whatever you know, fruit is
Speaker 1: on sale and like a little thing of jam that
Speaker 1: could be really cute too. So like, it doesn't necessarily
Speaker 1: mean that you spend money, Like I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: doing this all the time with my friends as well,
Speaker 1: Like I obviously get Marley Spoon, and I love Marley Spoon,
Speaker 1: and I don't know how impressed they're going to be
Speaker 1: with me sharing this tip. But often when I get
Speaker 1: a Marley Spoon, I can look at the ingredients and say, ah,
Speaker 1: what would it take to scale this meal. Let's say
Speaker 1: it's like a curry with rice. All right, Well, I
Speaker 1: already have some extra rice in the pantry. I could
Speaker 1: make more rice, all right, Well this curry I could
Speaker 1: add like an extra zucchini and extra carrot. We're good
Speaker 1: to go. Beck, do you want to cove dinner? I'm
Speaker 1: having curry.
Speaker 3: You're gonna be you?
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I do it to Gabby all but it's one of
Speaker 1: those that like, why can't we just make the catch
Speaker 1: up a little bit more wholesome? House, Why don't we
Speaker 1: play a board game? I'm so lame, though, so I'm
Speaker 1: really happy with these things. Katan. We can play Katan together,
Speaker 1: and my husband's at home, and you need a minimum
Speaker 1: of three players to have a good game of Katan.
Speaker 1: You can't just have the two of us, and we
Speaker 1: do need him to come in and he's gonna play.
Speaker 3: He's going to play, whether relax it or not.
Speaker 1: He's good at it though, Oh no, it's really bad.
Speaker 1: But it's one of those things where what can we
Speaker 1: do that doesn't cost any money? And I mean it's
Speaker 1: coming into springing summer now, feel like it's so much
Speaker 1: easier to use outdoor spaces without freezing outlets off. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I love like that's helpful.
Speaker 3: That is a great place to quickly absorb and go
Speaker 3: on a little break.
Speaker 1: I'll make you some toast.
Speaker 3: Thank you please. Okay, V we are back and we're
Speaker 3: talking about respecting your savings goals. And now I want
Speaker 3: to know what are some signs you're in a financially
Speaker 3: toxic friendship?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: Can we call them like red flags to make it
Speaker 1: more clear? Yeh, here are some red flags for your
Speaker 1: toxic relationships. Yeah, toxic. Really toxic is like a keyword
Speaker 1: of twenty two, the word of the year. All right,
Speaker 1: So here are five things I've written down that are
Speaker 1: red flags to identify potentially toxic friends. First, their idea
Speaker 1: of having fun always invariably involves spending a lot of money.
Speaker 1: So when was the last time you hung out with
Speaker 1: a friend and didn't spend any money. What did that
Speaker 1: look like? How did that work? Or do you have
Speaker 1: a budget? And they just keep pushing beyond that and
Speaker 1: then either embarrass you for not keeping up or not
Speaker 1: socialized with you because you're not willing to spend it,
Speaker 1: And like, no point catching up with Beck if she
Speaker 1: doesn't want to go to that restaurant that I suggested.
Speaker 1: Beck never wants to catch up. She always says no.
Speaker 3: This is so anxiety and juicy, toxic, toxic.
Speaker 1: All right, do you want to know the next red flag?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Please? All right? So you're always paying for things or
Speaker 1: loaning the money? No, toxic, toxic. If a friend is
Speaker 1: consistently asking you for money, is that friendship really worth
Speaker 1: the cost you're paying for a friend? Bet?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I see what you mean. I see what you mean.
Speaker 1: Like, yes, it is obviously very important to help friends,
Speaker 1: and we are not talking about friends who need the help,
Speaker 1: like that's a very different thing totally. But it's very
Speaker 1: important to also take care of your own financial help.
Speaker 1: And although it might feel embarrassing to bring up, you're
Speaker 1: not being selfish, Beck, Like, at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: that is not selfish at all. That friend is obviously
Speaker 1: using you and taking advantage of you. And oh, it's
Speaker 1: funny because I have lost friends over there. Sure it's
Speaker 1: one of those things. I'm going to use you as
Speaker 1: an example, okay, because like you're one of my favorite
Speaker 1: humans and I'm so lucky to get to work for you.
Speaker 1: But oh my gosh, I could give you a stick
Speaker 1: and be like, Beck, I got you this stick, and
Speaker 1: you're like, oh my gosh, this is the best stick
Speaker 1: in the entire world. I would like this morning before recording,
Speaker 1: or did I gift you? Oh, you're gifted with Donald's cookies.
Speaker 1: I gave you McDonald's cookies. You are over the moon
Speaker 1: for that, Like you are so excited. Right, I have
Speaker 1: lost friends recently because I just got over it. I
Speaker 1: got over being the one where if I go, hey, Beck,
Speaker 1: do you want to go out for brunch? And then
Speaker 1: the bill comes and they kind of just look at
Speaker 1: me because like they know I'm a higher income earner
Speaker 1: than them, and like it's okay because often I'm quite
Speaker 1: aware of that. I don't know how to tell you this,
Speaker 1: but like I do a lot of research into money.
Speaker 1: I talk about money all the time, and I know
Speaker 1: the privileged position I'm in. So if I'm at brunch
Speaker 1: and I'm in the financial position where I can go, oh, Beck,
Speaker 1: this is on me. I know that if I did
Speaker 1: that with you, Beck, you'd be like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: V are you sure like you? Okay, that's so nice.
Speaker 1: Like we'll have a whole conversation. You'll say thankful, you
Speaker 1: will genuinely be grateful for that interaction, and I go,
Speaker 1: I'm grateful that I could do that. I know that
Speaker 1: I've taken the financial pressure off you. Makes me feel good, right,
Speaker 1: And like, not everyone has to do that. Not everybody
Speaker 1: thrives on that. Right. My love language is gift giving,
Speaker 1: so like that really leans into who I am, and
Speaker 1: that's fine, but when somebody just fully expects it, it's
Speaker 1: kind of like, well, or they pick really expensive places
Speaker 1: and then don't offer to split the bill, and you're like,
Speaker 1: this ain't is And if you're listening to this and
Speaker 1: you know that you're that friend, well ah, sorry, because
Speaker 1: that's why we don't catch up anymore because it was
Speaker 1: always me and I just didn't like it. And I
Speaker 1: think the irrespective of who you are or where you
Speaker 1: are or what your financial circumstances are, no one likes
Speaker 1: to feel used. No one likes to feel like they're
Speaker 1: being taken advantage of, right, And that generosity for me,
Speaker 1: I don't think ends so like I hope I'm always
Speaker 1: that person, even beck when I was UNI, I would
Speaker 1: always want to take the pressure off my friends, even
Speaker 1: if I didn't have a lot, right, Like, I've always
Speaker 1: been that person who's like, no, no, no, I've got the coffee,
Speaker 1: Like I want to do that, and that's okay. I
Speaker 1: mean it was always the best financial decision for me,
Speaker 1: but that's another story. But I think and once it
Speaker 1: becomes expected, you're kind of like, yeah, ill, no, absolutely not.
Speaker 1: And I think that's a red flag to someone who
Speaker 1: doesn't genuinely care about you or your circumstances, regardless of
Speaker 1: how much money you have totally, so you're either always
Speaker 1: paying for things or you're always loaning the money. Yeah,
Speaker 1: red flag, red flag.
Speaker 3: I did just want to quickly say, I do do
Speaker 3: this with my best friendly if I literally always borrow
Speaker 3: money from her and she always pays for everything.
Speaker 1: But it's different, And that's.
Speaker 3: What I wanted to say, because justs caase she's listening,
Speaker 3: I love you, But it's one of those things where
Speaker 3: that might be part of the relationship that you have
Speaker 3: and like she might go, oh beg, she always pays me.
Speaker 1: It's all goods exactly.
Speaker 3: It comes out in the water.
Speaker 1: It's one of those things that works for you in
Speaker 1: your relationship, and that doesn't necessarily make it a toxic relationship.
Speaker 1: I think it's where you start to feel used totally
Speaker 1: and you start to feel like that's maybe a very
Speaker 1: one way relationship and that's not okay, all right, sorry,
Speaker 1: another thing stabbing myself? Are you ready? I'm so excited?
Speaker 1: Red Flag. They're excessively generous. Interesting, Okay, here we go,
Speaker 1: especially after that ran all right, So excessive generosity could
Speaker 1: potentially have hidden undertones to it. Oh why are they
Speaker 1: doing that? What do they want?
Speaker 3: Makes sense?
Speaker 1: Do I want something from you? Beck? So generosity could
Speaker 1: be and can be divided into subcategories. Beck, So you've
Speaker 1: got unrelenting, begrudging, fluctuating, controlling, and beguiling generosity. So the
Speaker 1: last two are particularly intriguing because they are rooted in selfishness. Beguiling, beguiling. Okay,
Speaker 1: introducing big words into cheese on the money and we've
Speaker 1: rebranded We're smarter now.
Speaker 3: Bigger, words, that's how it works.
Speaker 1: That's how it works. So your friend could be secretly
Speaker 1: wishing that you're paying them back sure, like either in
Speaker 1: money or favors or like io. You's like you know
Speaker 1: that person where they're like, oh, but I bought you
Speaker 1: a coffee, so you owe me. Ill if you're going
Speaker 1: to buy something for somebody, there should be absolutely no
Speaker 1: expectation that that is returned. So, like you gave the
Speaker 1: example of your friend live before, right, you said at
Speaker 1: the end, it all comes out in the wash totally,
Speaker 1: and I'm assuming that means like sometimes you're like I
Speaker 1: need to borrow some cash and she's like yeah, no worries.
Speaker 1: And then other times you're like, oh, I'll pick up dinner,
Speaker 1: I'll grab your coffee. Like it all comes out in
Speaker 1: the wash. This is a relationship where it might not
Speaker 1: all come out in the wash, or what they want
Speaker 1: to come out in the wash. It's got some ulterior
Speaker 1: motives and that's a bit ick. So you can't help
Speaker 1: but feel that you owe that person who is always
Speaker 1: trying to foot the bill. It might make it harder
Speaker 1: to disagree with them, or you might end up just
Speaker 1: feeling more like a sidekick than a friend which is ick,
Speaker 1: that is sick, and I think it's worth calling out,
Speaker 1: especially after I'm like, oh, I love being generous. I
Speaker 1: think it's important to really understand if you're a generous person, why,
Speaker 1: And like, I've had to do a lot of inner work,
Speaker 1: even on myself, to go, well why am I like this?
Speaker 1: Because for a long period of time, I'm like, am
Speaker 1: I trying to buy their love? Am I trying to
Speaker 1: overcompensate for feeling like I don't have enough to offer? No,
Speaker 1: it's actually just like I get a lot of joy
Speaker 1: out of that. But I think you do need to
Speaker 1: look at yourself and go, well, why would that be
Speaker 1: the case and what does that mean? And I think
Speaker 1: we've all had at some point a friend that wants
Speaker 1: that one up. Yes, I don't want a one up friend. No,
Speaker 1: friends don't one up friends, even with like stories, regardless
Speaker 1: of money. Like if you say, oh my gosh, I
Speaker 1: had the worst weekend and then your friend turns around's like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I had a worse weekend. Yeah, terrible friend,
Speaker 1: terrible terrible friends. But we don't want that one out
Speaker 1: of ten, So that to me red flag? Yes, Okay,
Speaker 1: I agree, were you confused about it at the start. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, I.
Speaker 3: Thought this is this gonna be Righttice makes sense.
Speaker 1: Red Flag number four. They judge your spending habits. Ck,
Speaker 1: I do not agree with that. So they will judge
Speaker 1: how much you spend on things that make you happy.
Speaker 1: Actually doesn't concern anybody but you, unless we're talking about
Speaker 1: gambling or any other addiction, in which case you're impacting
Speaker 1: a lot of people and you need to get help.
Speaker 1: Flat that's a different story. But like, if somebody wants
Speaker 1: to judge me for my two lattes that I get
Speaker 1: every day, sit down, if someone wants to judge you
Speaker 1: for your five oat lattes, they're well within their rights,
Speaker 1: because that's a SESSI effec sure that's actually where we
Speaker 1: draw the lot. Yeah, that's not draw the line right.
Speaker 1: But do you have a I'd never spend that much
Speaker 1: money kind of friend who silently or maybe loudly judges
Speaker 1: your spending habits. They'll often do in arguably a lack passive,
Speaker 1: aggressive way, with the goal of making you feel like trash.
Speaker 1: Like they want to make you feel guilty. They want
Speaker 1: to make you feel like you're less than them because
Speaker 1: they're never do that. We don't like that. At the
Speaker 1: base of this judgmental behavior actually lies a really irrational
Speaker 1: urge to contrast one's own spending habits with somebody else's
Speaker 1: without seeing the whole picture, in order for them to
Speaker 1: feel better about themselves. It has nothing to do with you, Beck,
Speaker 1: that's good to know. It has nothing to do with you,
Speaker 1: and everything to do with their own insecurities. Ah, they're
Speaker 1: the problem. They're the problem. They don't know that though
Speaker 1: I see and your that's unsatisfying to cut the friendship,
Speaker 1: then try and explain that, sure, because they'll probably try
Speaker 1: and cut the friendship if you did try to explain that.
Speaker 1: But essentially, we all have things that we prioritize our
Speaker 1: spending on, and it's actually nobody else's business what we prioritize,
Speaker 1: and if you choose to share that business with them,
Speaker 1: they should respect it and feel really privileged that you
Speaker 1: felt like they were a safe enough person to talk
Speaker 1: about money with a men exactly. All right, last red flag?
Speaker 1: Are you ready? They make fun of your income?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 3: No, that's not okay.
Speaker 1: People do it though? Really? Yeah, have you had someone
Speaker 1: laugh about the money that you make? Doesn't matter? If
Speaker 1: it's too little or too much. But laughing at someone's
Speaker 1: livelihood is honestly just blame disrespectful and really flipping rude.
Speaker 1: I don't think i've experienced it to be home. I'm
Speaker 1: so glad because I have, whether I earned a lot
Speaker 1: or a little, it has happened numerous times. But if
Speaker 1: a joke comes up regularly between you, sure your friends
Speaker 1: might actually be using humor to escape the responsibility for
Speaker 1: being malicious. They're just being rude, okay, they fruit flies, right, yeah,
Speaker 1: and that is not acceptable. And I find it interesting
Speaker 1: because it might not be them being like ha ha
Speaker 1: ha beck you earn x y Z Like it's often
Speaker 1: not as blatant as that. Yeah, like, oh bet can't come.
Speaker 1: She kin'd of thought that, right, all that kind of soul.
Speaker 1: That's do you know what I mean? Yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 1: I think it's interesting. We can actually do everything, we
Speaker 1: just can't do everything at once. And how many times
Speaker 1: have we seen people who have lower incomes do these
Speaker 1: really cool things because it's in line with their values,
Speaker 1: whereas someone with a hired income Michael, who, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: that is not worth my time. Like I know a
Speaker 1: lot of people who have really high incomes who are
Speaker 1: like Europe, absolute waste of money. I'm absolutely not going
Speaker 1: to be traveling to Europe Italy. What a waste of time.
Speaker 1: I can drink aperol home Beck, And then you know,
Speaker 1: when I was at university couldn't afford to travel. When
Speaker 1: was I traveling, then it was in line with my
Speaker 1: golds and values. Those people might not have had those
Speaker 1: same values. It's literally just the fact that your values
Speaker 1: are different from theirs. And to me, this is a
Speaker 1: massive red flag that they don't respect your wishes and
Speaker 1: your values and what you respect. Because I don't care
Speaker 1: what you earn well. I do because I pay you
Speaker 1: and I want to make sure that that's fair. But
Speaker 1: I also don't care what you spend personally. What I
Speaker 1: care about is that you have every single tool and
Speaker 1: resource at your disposal to make the right decision for you.
Speaker 1: I care a lot when you make a financial decision
Speaker 1: because you didn't know any better. I see it as
Speaker 1: my responsibility to be like, oh, Beck, like that decision.
Speaker 1: I don't care that you've made it. It's not a
Speaker 1: good or a bad decision. It doesn't actually matter. But
Speaker 1: did you know ABC and D exists and you could
Speaker 1: be like far out. No, I didn't. I didn't know
Speaker 1: I could do that, Or I didn't know that an
Speaker 1: emergency fund could make me feel so much more, you know,
Speaker 1: financially secure, even if it's only a little amount of money.
Speaker 1: That's why she is. All the money exists right because
Speaker 1: it's got nothing to do with judgment. I don't give
Speaker 1: a flip what you spend your money on, and you
Speaker 1: do what. I don't even care how you earn it,
Speaker 1: as long as it's legal and consenting, like that's all important.
Speaker 1: But I think if you choose to do anything and
Speaker 1: you're making that money, go get that bank, sis, go
Speaker 1: get that bank, Go get that bag. I care how
Speaker 1: you make it. I don't care what you make. All
Speaker 1: I care is that you are a happy, full stop
Speaker 1: end of story. And this is why I really appreciate you.
Speaker 1: Oh thanks, Now it's because I brought you Macus, It's because.
Speaker 3: You brought me Maxis Coues.
Speaker 1: That's the main thing.
Speaker 3: So I guess, lastly, what should people do if they're
Speaker 3: listening to this and it does resonate.
Speaker 1: No, sorry that your friends are rich. Sorry, sorry, we
Speaker 1: can be your new friends. We can.
Speaker 3: Actually, I think the first step you should take is
Speaker 3: to reach out to us and we will be your friends.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly ten out of ten. I think setting boundaries
Speaker 1: is really important. So it doesn't necessarily mean that you
Speaker 1: have to cancel the friendship. I am quite dramatic, so
Speaker 1: when I said that, oh, just immediately canceled. But I
Speaker 1: think just setting some boundaries, maybe taking a step back
Speaker 1: from that friendship, or even just being more critical when
Speaker 1: you're in those circumstances to be like, oh, what does
Speaker 1: this actually mean? Know that it's not you, Like it's
Speaker 1: always a reflection of their insecurity. Is it's actually a
Speaker 1: reflection of how they feel about you. Because any person
Speaker 1: that sees some other human being doing something that they
Speaker 1: don't agree with, they have no idea what the flip
Speaker 1: side looks like. So it's not actually their place to judge,
Speaker 1: and it's absolutely them reflecting their own insecurities onto you. Totally,
Speaker 1: so know that it's not you. But yeah, I think
Speaker 1: just taking a step back from that friendship for a
Speaker 1: hot minute. But also if it's something that you think
Speaker 1: that they're not privy to, ask them to respect your boundaries,
Speaker 1: ask them to respect you, call them out for their
Speaker 1: crappy jokes. If someone's making fun of you, be like,
Speaker 1: I hope you don't actually think that's funny. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: it's not. It's rude and it's mean and it's hurtful.
Speaker 1: And the amount of times you've said it it makes
Speaker 1: me think that it's not a joke, you're just being malicious. Yeah.
Speaker 1: My favorite question ever, this actually works really well on
Speaker 1: medio committle aged white men when they say something and
Speaker 1: you go, oh, pretend you don't understand it. Even if
Speaker 1: you do, what do you mean by that? Yes, Like
Speaker 1: at conferences when people would arguably have had too many
Speaker 1: drinks and they say something that's rather inappropriate, you'd be like,
Speaker 1: play dumb, Oh beck, what did you mean by that?
Speaker 1: Because then they have to explain their terrible comment because
Speaker 1: you didn't get it, did you, Yes, because you're dumb.
Speaker 1: You want them to dig their own grave. And if
Speaker 1: they're smart, they'll be like, oh, nothing, hah, and then
Speaker 1: they'll walk off. True. But if they double.
Speaker 3: Down, they have to repeat it and explain it and
Speaker 3: go into detail, deep dive into word.
Speaker 1: I said, that's a great idea. Dead pan, you look
Speaker 1: at them and go, oh, beck, did you mean to
Speaker 1: be helpful or hurtful with that? Oh my god, perfect,
Speaker 1: what did you mean? And then they have to be like, ah,
Speaker 1: because like they sure as hell weren't being helpful and
Speaker 1: they weren't being helpful one or the other. That's fly
Speaker 1: were you being helpful or helpful with that one? And
Speaker 1: then they have to go, oh, no, it's just a joke.
Speaker 1: I'll be like, oh, sorry, I didn't think it was
Speaker 1: a joke. Oh so so sorry. I just was a
Speaker 1: bit confused about your intention.
Speaker 3: God, she's good, helpful or hurtful?
Speaker 1: And oh what do you mean by that? Like they're
Speaker 1: my two favorite things to just acculably make people uncomfortable
Speaker 1: with their own words.
Speaker 3: People taking note, because if this happens to you, any
Speaker 3: of these five toxic traits, if you ever experienced in
Speaker 3: real life, use that.
Speaker 1: I think that's very funny because it's also like not
Speaker 1: that confrontational. You get to pretend to be yah, it's
Speaker 1: get to pretend to be so silly, like you don't
Speaker 1: have to be like, oh hey, beck, that comment's really mean.
Speaker 1: And then they get to be like, oh, well, I
Speaker 1: don't think it's mean. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 3: Ask them their intention totally, don't give them.
Speaker 1: A chance to know, no chance you explain yourself. Ah,
Speaker 1: don't be friends with people who have studied psychology, their psychopaths.
Speaker 3: Beck Oh true, I love that. Yeah, now that is
Speaker 3: a good place. That's a perfect place to leave it today.
Speaker 1: All right, we have loved hanging out with you this Wednesday.
Speaker 1: Obviously we'll see one Friday for a little Friday rap episode.
Speaker 1: But till then, have a beautiful week.
Speaker 3: We love you, Bye, guys.
Speaker 4: The advice shared on She's on the Money is general
Speaker 4: in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's
Speaker 4: on the Money exists purely for educational purposes and should
Speaker 4: not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision.
Speaker 4: If you do choose to buy a financial product, read
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