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Speaker 1: This Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Kilson, where Luke

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Speaker 1: and Susie parents of three little boys, and this is

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Speaker 1: the podcast for those of us who are time poor parents.

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Speaker 2: But just one answers now, justin today, stop, look and listen. Now,

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Speaker 2: that sounds like a catchphrase for teaching kids how to

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Speaker 2: cross the road from when I was younger. Yeah, that's right,

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Speaker 2: But it seems sometimes that our kids aren't paying attention

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Speaker 2: to us. Are the kids? Is there something wrong with

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Speaker 2: our kids? Basically is my question?

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Speaker 1: Justin Yes, there is.

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Speaker 3: No no. I think the problems with ask So the

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Speaker 3: most common question I get from parents literally the two

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Speaker 3: most common how do I get them off their dance screens?

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Speaker 3: But how do I get them to listen to me?

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Speaker 3: And they're often interlinked by the way, those two questions.

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Speaker 3: But when I step back from that question a little bit,

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Speaker 3: and I'll often ask parents, I'll say, well, let me

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Speaker 3: ask you this, how well do you listen to them?

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Speaker 3: What kind of an example have you set for them?

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Speaker 3: And when I asked that question, there's an initial of

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Speaker 3: course I listened to them, and then I said, well,

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Speaker 3: let's unpack that a little bit. How well do you

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Speaker 3: really listen you know, how many times do they have

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Speaker 3: to call out to you? What about when they're telling

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Speaker 3: you about that thing that happened at school with the thing?

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Speaker 3: And then there are and then and you know, and

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Speaker 3: forteen minutes later, it's still going and you've kind of

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Speaker 3: disappeared into your own la la lad because oh man,

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Speaker 3: they go on sometimes. I know most of the time

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Speaker 3: they don't erh but every now and again they actually

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Speaker 3: tell you how their day was, and you're like, oh, gee,

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Speaker 3: I wish you'd just go. And I remember an experience

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Speaker 3: that I had with one of my kids. In my

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Speaker 3: first book, which is called What Your Child Needs from You,

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Speaker 3: I've got this list of things that you can look at,

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Speaker 3: the questionnaire items where you sort of say, to what

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Speaker 3: extent am I in tune with my child? To what

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Speaker 3: extent am I paying attention to my child? And when Kylie,

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Speaker 3: my wife, read this list, she was like, Hey, this

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Speaker 3: is a great list. How are we doing? And I said,

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Speaker 3: I think we're doing great, and she said, direckton the

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Speaker 3: kids would say that. I said, let's not ask. But

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Speaker 3: that night, while I played with the kids in the

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Speaker 3: living room, Kylie sat in one of the other rooms

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Speaker 3: and she interviewed them one by one with a pen

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Speaker 3: and paper. She went through the questions to ask them

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Speaker 3: how well we were doing as parents. We had a

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Speaker 3: very first parenting performance appraisal. We might and we did okay,

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Speaker 3: but there was room to move. And one of the

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Speaker 3: kids in particular, she said, you know when when you're

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Speaker 3: on the computer or when you're doing other stuff, you

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Speaker 3: say you're listening, but you're not because you keep doing

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Speaker 3: what you were doing. What she was essentially saying is

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Speaker 3: I want you to stop and pay attention to me

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Speaker 3: when I ask you a question. I want you to

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Speaker 3: be there and be where your feet are, not have

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Speaker 3: your head somewhere else while I'm talking. The kids know,

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Speaker 3: and so I've come up with this stop, look and

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Speaker 3: listen idea because you know, let's extend the metaphor, you're

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Speaker 3: on the side of the road with your kids and

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Speaker 3: you're about to cross the road. Only a fool would

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Speaker 3: fail to stop, look and listen. We understand that. Why

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Speaker 3: do we do that? Because there could be something significant

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Speaker 3: coming down the road that could change our lives in

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Speaker 3: big ways. It could completely write us off or worse.

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Speaker 3: And I think that in our children's lives. On a

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Speaker 3: daily basis, there are things coming down their road that

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Speaker 3: can derail them or put them in hospital emotionally or

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Speaker 3: psychologically or even physically. And if we don't stop what

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Speaker 3: we're doing and look them in the eyes and listen

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Speaker 3: to the words that they're saying to us, even if

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Speaker 3: it's boring to us, we might miss one of those

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Speaker 3: fast moving trucks and they could just get cleaned up

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Speaker 3: by it if we're not there to save them.

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Speaker 2: I've found recently that my relationship with my eldest is

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Speaker 2: changing because we've had some time one on one, and

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Speaker 2: in that one on one time, he's starting to talk,

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Speaker 2: and I've been able to have the opportunity did just

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Speaker 2: sit and listen to him in the car. Generally we

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Speaker 2: have our chats. But as a result of that, now

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Speaker 2: he's started a little journal and every day he's showing

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Speaker 2: me his journal entries and wanting me to read them

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Speaker 2: and give him feedback on them. But I think about

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Speaker 2: my two youngest and I know I don't give them

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Speaker 2: the same time and effort and energies that how do

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Speaker 2: we balance that out When you've got I mean, you've

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Speaker 2: got six, we've got three, But balancing that out across

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Speaker 2: all your children. I already feel like I already know

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Speaker 2: I'm not parenting my children the same way each of

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Speaker 2: my children.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like Kylie and I have almost got

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Speaker 3: two families. Our big three get a very different response

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Speaker 3: and style of parenting to the last three because you know,

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Speaker 3: the big three were born while I was learning to

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Speaker 3: be a parenting expert, and then the last three were

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Speaker 3: born once I had the qualifications and you know, life

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Speaker 3: was moving on.

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Speaker 2: It's kind of reassuring to hear that, Justin, as you

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Speaker 2: are a parenting expert. But more next with doctor Justin

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Speaker 2: from the Happy Families podcast. As we continue to talk

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Speaker 2: about stop, look and listen.

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Speaker 4: When it comes to toilet training, things can get a

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Speaker 4: little stuck. Doctor Justin Coulson has written a no Mess,

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Speaker 4: no Fuss ebook to help. Written for busy parents. You'll

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Speaker 4: whizz through how to toilet train your child without getting

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Speaker 4: bogged in too much detail. You'll find straight shooting answers

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Speaker 4: about toilet training based on scientific research, like how to

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Speaker 4: know when your child is ready to toilet train and

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Speaker 4: the most poopular toilet training approaches and what science says

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Speaker 4: about them. This is the fast flowing, easy to Digest

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Speaker 4: ebook to get your kids going at the right time,

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Speaker 4: in the right place and the right way toilet training

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Speaker 4: Easy as one two. We available at Happy families dot

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Speaker 4: com dot au.

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Speaker 2: It's The Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, and

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Speaker 2: today we are talking about stop, look and listen, the

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Speaker 2: importance of really listening. Justin we were just talking about

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Speaker 2: the fact that we're not parenting all of our children

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Speaker 2: the same way. Getting that balance is difficult.

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Speaker 3: I don't think there's such a thing as balance. Quite frankly,

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Speaker 3: we're all seeking it, but life gets in the way

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Speaker 3: of balance all the time. So there's a couple of

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Speaker 3: things to bear in mind. Number one, triage. You know,

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Speaker 3: if somebody needs you be there, just stop what you're

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Speaker 3: doing and be there. You've kind of got to. But

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Speaker 3: there's a few other things that we can do that

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Speaker 3: I think are really important, and with fewer children it's

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Speaker 3: easier than with more children, but you can do it regardless.

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Speaker 3: I think that it's really really vital that we have

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Speaker 3: someone on one time at least once a week with

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Speaker 3: each child where we don't talk. We just spend time together,

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Speaker 3: no agenda, happy to listen if they've got something to say,

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Speaker 3: or just having fun if there's nothing to say, but

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Speaker 3: we're engaged and we're involved, and we ask the questions,

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Speaker 3: how's everything going at school, how's things going with your friends?

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Speaker 3: Has anything troubled you lately? Is there anything I can

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Speaker 3: help you with? Is there anything you want to talk about?

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Speaker 3: In addition to that, on a daily basis, we need

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Speaker 3: to have some nurture time with our children. I love

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Speaker 3: nighttime nurture. I think the last five or ten minutes

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Speaker 3: before the kids go to sleep is almost sacred time.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 3: That's where you kneel down beside the bed and you

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Speaker 3: read them that story, and you sing them a song,

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Speaker 3: and you give them a cuddle, and you just savor

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Speaker 3: those moments, knowing that in ten minutes they'll all be

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Speaker 3: as sleep.

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Speaker 2: Well, that's it, because often it's our most tired time

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Speaker 2: of day.

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Speaker 3: And it's so hard.

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Speaker 1: It is.

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Speaker 3: So there are a couple of things, you know, in

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Speaker 3: our home. Every morning, we get the family together at

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Speaker 3: about six thirty and we have a little bit of

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Speaker 3: either a pep talk or some devotional time. A lot

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Speaker 3: of people will call it, well, we just focus on

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Speaker 3: one thing that we think is really important for our family.

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Speaker 3: To think about during the day, and we spend a

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Speaker 3: few minutes talking and being together as a family. But

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Speaker 3: it's one on one that's where the real work of

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Speaker 3: raising children is done, and it's about stopping and paying attention,

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Speaker 3: looking and listening.

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Speaker 1: We've had a couple of experiences with our kids that

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Speaker 1: I think taps in gives us the evidence that what

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Speaker 1: you're saying is very effective. And one I remember our

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Speaker 1: kids and, like most kids, had a tendency Tyson in particular,

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Speaker 1: to interrupt when you're in the middle of adult conversations,

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Speaker 1: you have some and he whatever was on his agenda

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Speaker 1: was the most important. And Susie so beautifully set up

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Speaker 1: a system and said, if you've got something to say

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Speaker 1: and we're in the middle of adult conversation, it's rude

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Speaker 1: to interrupt. But let me tell you what you can do.

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Speaker 1: If you put your hand on my leg or you

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Speaker 1: touch me in such a way that says, mummy, I

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Speaker 1: want your attention, she said, I will. I will put

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Speaker 1: my hand on yours to let you know that I

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Speaker 1: feel it, and then we'll wait until there's a break

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Speaker 1: in conversation, and then I will come and you will

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Speaker 1: have my undivided attention, and it's amazing how beautifully polite

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Speaker 1: that child is in that environment.

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Speaker 3: Now, what a great way to set that up.

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Speaker 2: Because the first someone else wasn't.

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Speaker 1: The first thing communicated to him is I want to

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Speaker 1: hear you, yeah, and I want to give you all

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Speaker 1: of my attention. But there are boundaries, there are manners.

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Speaker 1: We'll deal with those. But you've got me at the

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Speaker 1: right moment, and I just think, what a great impact

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Speaker 1: we've had on the kids. And the other is with Ryden,

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Speaker 1: who had a speech challenge and he couldn't communicate. And

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Speaker 1: there were times when I realized that that we He

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Speaker 1: would try and say something to us and we couldn't

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Speaker 1: understand it. We say the second time, we couldn't understand him,

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Speaker 1: say the third time, couldn't understand him, And eventually you

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Speaker 1: could see his shoulders drop, his face become forlorn, and

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Speaker 1: he walked away. He gave up and there's no point,

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Speaker 1: I can never get it. And it broke our heart

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Speaker 1: when you could physically see it the moment he gave up.

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Speaker 1: So we started to get down, look him straight in

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Speaker 1: the eye and say, buddy, we really want to know

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Speaker 1: what you're saying. And we'd get him to say it

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Speaker 1: again and slow, and even then we go, can you

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Speaker 1: take my hand? And is it something you can show me?

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Speaker 1: And there are times often when he'd take our hand,

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Speaker 1: walk us into the kitchen to the pantry and he'd

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Speaker 1: points at the vegimite and he wanted a vegi might sandwich,

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Speaker 1: but we couldn't understand. But suddenly the difference that made

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Speaker 1: in him was when he goes, when we felt that

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Speaker 1: he knew we wanted to get, don't give up, because well,

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Speaker 1: we'll keep going until we get it.

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Speaker 3: When we stop, when we look, when we listen, we

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Speaker 3: communicate something perf only important that is you are worthy

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Speaker 3: ten second story to finish, because I know we're out

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Speaker 3: of time. I'm stirring in the kitchen, the onion and

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Speaker 3: the garlic, in the oil, on the on the pit,

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Speaker 3: in the pan, on the pot, whatever you call. I

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Speaker 3: don't cook very well, obviously, and I'm stirring and stirring

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Speaker 3: and stirring. And I became aware that Abby, who was

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Speaker 3: about two or three at the time, was tugging on

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Speaker 3: my pants. Dad, Dad, Dad, And I'm like, I'm doing

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Speaker 3: important things here. I'm cooking dinner. I can't be interrupted.

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Speaker 3: I don't know what to do next. And then I realized,

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Speaker 3: I'm a parenting expert. I'm supposed to pay attention to

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Speaker 3: my daughter.

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Speaker 1: What is it that I say?

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Speaker 3: Stop looking at me? So I did. I stopped. I

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Speaker 3: crouched down. I looked her in the eyes, and I said, Abby,

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Speaker 3: I know you were trying to tell me something and

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Speaker 3: I wasn't listening properly. I'm sorry, I'm listening now. She

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Speaker 3: looked at me, she smiled, she said, I love your dad,

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Speaker 3: and then she skipped off into.

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Speaker 1: The lounde room.

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Speaker 2: Oh wow, it just took a moment.

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Speaker 3: She just wanted to tell me she loved me.

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Speaker 2: Oh that's so beautiful. That is absolutely beautiful. Thank you

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Speaker 2: so much, doctor Justin Pilson. That book that you mentioned

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Speaker 2: in there was What Your Child Needs from You. You can

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Speaker 2: get a copy of that and any other books that

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Speaker 2: Justin has written, and podcasts that you can listen to

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Speaker 2: as well, and there's other programs there as well. Loads

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Speaker 2: of resources at happy Families dot com dot aufort to.

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Speaker 1: Find out how you can actually book Justin to speak

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Speaker 1: at your school or organization, and you can touch base

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Speaker 1: with Justin at Justincolson dot com. Thanks very much, Justin,

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Speaker 1: Thanks guys,