Speaker 1: Ordinarily Speaking. You may know me as an intense small
Speaker 1: forward who played for the Fremantle Doctors, but more recently
Speaker 1: had to go through family tragedy and how I dealt
Speaker 1: with it.
Speaker 2: Soon time, Hello and welcome to this week's episode of
Speaker 2: Ordinarily Speaking. Whether you hate him or admire him, or
Speaker 2: a bit of both, Hayden Valentine is as tough as
Speaker 2: they come. Drafted as a mature aged recruit at twenty
Speaker 2: one and standing at just one hundred and seventy four centimeters,
Speaker 2: Hayden went on to play one hundred and seventy one
Speaker 2: games and kick two hundred and fifty four goals for
Speaker 2: the Fremantle Football Club, forging a special relationship with coach
Speaker 2: Ross Lyon along the way. Prior to Hayden's final year
Speaker 2: at the club, he was confronted with the biggest challenge
Speaker 2: of his life. On Grand Final night twenty eighteen, Hayden's
Speaker 2: little brother, Brendan, was hit by a car and killed.
Speaker 2: Brendan's fiance was just up the road about to pick
Speaker 2: him up. He was just twenty two years old, a
Speaker 2: father of one and with another baby on the way.
Speaker 2: This episode is raw and confronting if it is a
Speaker 2: trigger for you, please ask for help. Lifeline and Beyond
Speaker 2: Blue are just a couple of places you can go.
Speaker 2: Hayden's hope is that by sharing his story it might
Speaker 2: help other people navigate their way through loss. We caught
Speaker 2: up at his rural property in Wa, where Hayden is
Speaker 2: now a horse trainer. Well, Ballas, thanks so much for
Speaker 2: spending some time with me. I've got to say this
Speaker 2: is a first for me. We're recording a podcast episode
Speaker 2: in your stables in Western Australia and you've had a
Speaker 2: pretty busy day. You had to put this back at
Speaker 2: a few hours. Tell me about your date about.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I had the draft through four or five
Speaker 1: hundred cattle this morning. Well we started in the morning
Speaker 1: and finished about four o'clock, so I've spent a long day,
Speaker 1: but yeah, we got here in the end.
Speaker 3: What time do you break up most days, I normally.
Speaker 1: Got up about five, get out to the stables and
Speaker 1: work the horses, and then I head off on my
Speaker 1: day about eight o'clock and do what I need to do.
Speaker 1: And it's sometimes as long hour today as a long day.
Speaker 1: But then tomorrow I haven't got a whole lot on,
Speaker 1: so it all balances out and normally ends up being
Speaker 1: a normal week for most people.
Speaker 2: So this is just something that you sort of planned
Speaker 2: throughout footy as well. This was going on while you
Speaker 2: were playing footing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, bits and pieces obviously now as much of a
Speaker 1: hands on roll where you know, I couldn't control it
Speaker 1: as much as what I'd like, where now I've got
Speaker 1: full control. And now it's been really good. And I've
Speaker 1: actually learned a lot more in the last couple of
Speaker 1: years at post football about how my business has actually work.
Speaker 1: So it's it's been quite good. A bit of a
Speaker 1: learning curve, but yeah, things are pretty efficient now, so
Speaker 1: it's good.
Speaker 2: So when you're saying you know you're wrangling cattle, you're
Speaker 2: actually chasing cattle, right.
Speaker 1: I jumped off the motorbike and tackled a calf this
Speaker 1: afternoon because he didn't have an ear tag, so I
Speaker 1: had to jump off the motorbike and tackled him. And
Speaker 1: they're only four or five weeks old. They're bloody strong
Speaker 1: little things, so this is hard work.
Speaker 3: I had a bit of a blowgoing, yeah, solid, what's
Speaker 3: harder tackling it?
Speaker 2: Now?
Speaker 1: These things are tough. They're tough little buggers and they're
Speaker 1: relentless to they don't stop because you know, they think
Speaker 1: we're going to eat them, so they're pretty scared. And yeah,
Speaker 1: we had to put a new ear tag in him,
Speaker 1: and yeah he was solid.
Speaker 2: So you don't just nickname them or anything like that
Speaker 2: footy players or something Scarlet's out there.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, yeah, maybe a couple I want to
Speaker 1: give them back to. But we if you know, we've
Speaker 1: got kids, and if they name an animal, we're not
Speaker 1: allow to put on the dinner table. So we don't
Speaker 1: name name any of our animals that we don't want
Speaker 1: to keep that we want to keep.
Speaker 3: I feel like that's a pretty good rule, you know.
Speaker 2: I was thinking back before this interview to when we
Speaker 2: first met, and it was when you were twenty one
Speaker 2: and you were a favorite for the Sandover. You were
Speaker 2: working at a surf shop in mandra I was working
Speaker 2: at Channel seven News and your favorite for the Sandover
Speaker 2: about to get drafted by the Frio Dockers, and you
Speaker 2: were just the most confident young bloke going around. And
Speaker 2: I spoke to you great mate Aaron Sandalans ahead of
Speaker 2: this as well, and he said, when you marched into
Speaker 2: the club a few weeks later he thought, who is
Speaker 2: this little arrogant so and so? Is that pretty much
Speaker 2: the way you've always been?
Speaker 3: Or what made you that way?
Speaker 1: I think something, you know, my statue. You got to
Speaker 1: have a bit of presence about you somehow. So confidence
Speaker 1: was my thing, and that's how I played my footy.
Speaker 1: I played with a bit of a chip on my shoulder,
Speaker 1: and I didn't make any apologies about that. I had
Speaker 1: to show confidence or flair in some way. And I
Speaker 1: remember Aaron did actually say it to me when I
Speaker 1: later on down the track when we become good mates.
Speaker 1: He goes, you first walked in, I thought you little
Speaker 1: tossa little arrogant little shit and then and then we
Speaker 1: end up being great mates. So it's I run how
Speaker 1: that works out.
Speaker 3: What was the chip on the shoulder? Is it the height?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 3: What was it?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just I was pretty confident my
Speaker 1: abilities and what I could do. And I knew I
Speaker 1: was pretty I could handle a fair bit. I was
Speaker 1: pretty tough and could handle whatever anyone threw at me.
Speaker 1: So I dish it out, they throw it back, and
Speaker 1: most people can't handle as well as what I could.
Speaker 3: It's actually true, isn't that It is pretty true.
Speaker 1: Yea, I didn't. I didn't know. I didn't mind if
Speaker 1: I hurt people's feeling. I was out there to win
Speaker 1: a game of footy. I wasn't out there to make friends.
Speaker 1: So and that was my match through footy. I was
Speaker 1: out there to win, not to make friends.
Speaker 2: You were kind of one of those blokes that everyone
Speaker 2: hated but everyone would have loved to have been on
Speaker 2: their team.
Speaker 3: Is that what you felt when you were playing a
Speaker 3: fair bit?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And you know, now that I have retired, I do
Speaker 1: see a few ex players us Stevie Johnson I saw
Speaker 1: last year after the Grand Final and we had a
Speaker 1: few beers together and he said that exact same thing.
Speaker 1: He goes, you know, I didn't like it at all
Speaker 1: on the field, but I would have liked you playing
Speaker 1: for Geelong. So you know, when you hear things like that,
Speaker 1: it wouldn't say it made me feel better, you know,
Speaker 1: it just made me think. You know, I actually did
Speaker 1: my job pretty well when when it was my turn
Speaker 1: to go always went.
Speaker 2: Does it ever hurt your feelings when people were being
Speaker 2: horrible to your social media and all those things.
Speaker 1: Not at all, not when it was directed at me,
Speaker 1: Because I was water for ducks, back for me, but
Speaker 1: sometimes it was directed at my family and that would
Speaker 1: piss me off a bit. You know, there's a few
Speaker 1: tweets in that that would go on of threats and
Speaker 1: stuff like that, and it was directed at me, you know,
Speaker 1: happy days, go your hardest. But if it was directed
Speaker 1: to my family, I took a bit to that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, what was the worst, you cops.
Speaker 1: Someone threatened my wife or my partner at the time,
Speaker 1: now wife. Yeah, he was going to bash me and
Speaker 1: then do something to my wife, and that was that
Speaker 1: was Yeah, that was a tipping point. And that that
Speaker 1: person got found. He's in w A, which you know,
Speaker 1: was a little bit worrying, but yeah, yeah, I never
Speaker 1: found out his name, so there's not much I could
Speaker 1: have done about it.
Speaker 3: What do you do in a situation like that?
Speaker 1: The club and the AFL teams in general, they have
Speaker 1: amazing resources and they can someone sends out a silly
Speaker 1: tweet or a Facebook thing of threat someone. They're found
Speaker 1: straight away and the police got involved. They confiscated all
Speaker 1: his I t like, his computer, his iPad, call that
Speaker 1: and made him tell his wife what he said on
Speaker 1: the tweet, and his wife went berserk I heard, so
Speaker 1: it was a yeah, I don't think you'd be doing anything.
Speaker 3: Like that again the wife it.
Speaker 1: Was, and it was, you know, it was just a
Speaker 1: drunken comment when you know, he's we'd beat his team
Speaker 1: and I played quite well and pissed off some people
Speaker 1: and he he didn't like it, so he got he
Speaker 1: was drunk, said something he probably regretted the next day.
Speaker 3: How does.
Speaker 1: Daughter horses she wants to go on the MIC's good girl,
Speaker 1: I love it.
Speaker 2: How does that impact your wife at the time or
Speaker 2: your partner at the time.
Speaker 3: But now, wife, you know, you.
Speaker 1: Don't need to know what you need to know. She
Speaker 1: didn't need to know what was being said and all
Speaker 1: what was being done at the time. It was a
Speaker 1: little bit disturbing for what for myself, but she didn't
Speaker 1: need to know at the time. And when it was
Speaker 1: all said and done, I told her what was happening
Speaker 1: and she was a little bit shocked. But it kind
Speaker 1: of goes with the territory.
Speaker 3: That's the thing, though, isn't it.
Speaker 2: It's you sign up for it, but your family doesn't
Speaker 2: exactly right.
Speaker 1: The one that gets upset the most of my nan
Speaker 1: who's you know, she's eighty six now. But when I
Speaker 1: was playing, she'd read the newspapers and on the Facebook
Speaker 1: and all that and see all the nasty stuff, and
Speaker 1: Nan don't worry about it. That doesn't bother me. And
Speaker 1: she used to get a little bit of upset, but
Speaker 1: she's she's I think I'll get my confidence and a
Speaker 1: bit of personality from my Nan, so it's not too bad.
Speaker 1: I suppose she'll deal with it.
Speaker 3: See that's the thing.
Speaker 2: People never think about the NAN when they're writing the
Speaker 2: mean tweets.
Speaker 1: Exactly right, and they don't think about the impact on
Speaker 1: the families afterwards, because most players that don't really care
Speaker 1: what people say, but what the keyboard worries.
Speaker 2: So so it never impacted you when it was directed
Speaker 2: at you.
Speaker 1: Not, No, not in the slightest at all. And even
Speaker 1: it even spurred me on a bit more because obviously
Speaker 1: I'm doing my job right. If they're getting that upset
Speaker 1: of what I'm doing on the field and playing well
Speaker 1: and doing my thing, obviously I'm doing it well.
Speaker 2: The moment that always comes up when I talk to
Speaker 2: your former teammates and anyone really to do with footy
Speaker 2: other than the Maddie Skull incident is you playing with
Speaker 2: a broken jaw. How bad was that pain that you
Speaker 2: were in and how did you play that game?
Speaker 1: Which time? Yeah, well there was a few I think
Speaker 1: when I did it during the game, I didn't feel much.
Speaker 1: I felt a bit dazed and that because you know,
Speaker 1: it was fairly big impact. But I was a bit
Speaker 1: dazed and got through the game. And then after the
Speaker 1: game it was bloody sore. It was really sore. And
Speaker 1: they couldn't really give me a whole lot because I'm
Speaker 1: allergic to some of the the painkillers I give us.
Speaker 1: I can't. I can only take certain things.
Speaker 3: Is that right?
Speaker 1: There's one that it's not a bad allergy, but it
Speaker 1: makes me real itchy. I've got I've got sensitive skin.
Speaker 1: One sensitive thing I have got, I've got sensive skin,
Speaker 1: and I'll get real itchy from these, from these tablets,
Speaker 1: so they can't give it to me. And so all
Speaker 1: I was panted off through broken jaw. So it was
Speaker 1: pretty solid until we got until we got back to Perth,
Speaker 1: and and then I had surgery on the Tuesday. And
Speaker 1: normally I wake up rat shit from surgeries. I rake
Speaker 1: up real bad. I don't do well with the When
Speaker 1: they knocked me out and I'll wake up feeling good
Speaker 1: like I felt. Okay did It wasn't blurry or anything
Speaker 1: I normally am, wasn't saying any silly things I can
Speaker 1: normally do, and.
Speaker 3: Your concussion test is honest.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's right. So I rang Ross pretty much straight away.
Speaker 1: I said, Ross, if fucking get this swelling out, you're
Speaker 1: gonna play me, because perhaps three hundredth I think it
Speaker 1: was Perabs three hundred. And he was pretty much no
Speaker 1: straight away, and I kept pestering and pested him all week,
Speaker 1: and then pretty much all the swelling on most one
Speaker 1: side went, and the side that actually broke was still
Speaker 1: a little bit swollen. And then I said I'm playing,
Speaker 1: and he goes, okay, so let me play. They can't
Speaker 1: really jab your face because you know it doesn't work,
Speaker 1: So I just played through it and the only isn't
Speaker 1: really hurt. I got tackled. I tackled sorry Andrew Mackie,
Speaker 1: and he knew I had the jaw and squeezed my
Speaker 1: head and something clicked in there and that that hurt.
Speaker 1: And Mickey Barlow came and dragged him off and made
Speaker 1: it even worse, so he tried to help, but it
Speaker 1: didn't help, And yeah, that was that was pretty solid.
Speaker 1: And then a couple of years later against Geelong, I tackled.
Speaker 3: It's always Geelong.
Speaker 1: Yeah it was Geelong tackle Cory in right, and as
Speaker 1: he's going to handle the ball, his elbow got me
Speaker 1: in the face and I fractured, had five fractures through
Speaker 1: my face and there's a photo of my swall, swollen eyelid.
Speaker 1: I really puffed up. And at one photo of the year,
Speaker 1: I was told so one little ticket the box there.
Speaker 1: They were pretty solid, but I don't know, you don't
Speaker 1: really feel much once you're out there. I didn't really
Speaker 1: didn't feel much pain at all into half the game.
Speaker 3: Is that the most physical pain you've ever been in?
Speaker 1: No, the most physical pain was my I broke my
Speaker 1: foot in a game as well, and because you can
Speaker 1: jab them up, I couldn't feel anything beautiful played the
Speaker 1: rest of the game. And then about half an hour
Speaker 1: of the game it started to creep in this pain
Speaker 1: and it was it was the worst paint of the
Speaker 1: been in. And yeah, it wasn't enjoyable, enjoyable at all.
Speaker 3: It brought you to tears.
Speaker 1: Not quiet, but it was pretty close. You can't walk,
Speaker 1: you can't move, you got to keep your foot up
Speaker 1: otherwise just throbs all night and all day and it
Speaker 1: is just not nice at all. Plus that was the
Speaker 1: last game of twenty ten and I broke it then.
Speaker 1: And then the following week we played finals against Hawthorne one,
Speaker 1: so I missed. That was the first final series I
Speaker 1: could have been involved in and missed it, So that
Speaker 1: was that was the most sour point for me. I
Speaker 1: think of injuries missing that final.
Speaker 2: That's the thing about you that your teammates say, it's
Speaker 2: you know, you can be the arrogant little shit, as
Speaker 2: Sandy put it, but you never asked somebody to do
Speaker 2: what you weren't willing to do.
Speaker 3: Is that fair?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Exactly right. And I was pretty vocal towards people
Speaker 1: who didn't work hard. And I suppose you're right do
Speaker 1: the things that I was doing, because if I can
Speaker 1: do it, why can't you. Pad was a lot like
Speaker 1: that as well. I think I got that a bit
Speaker 1: from Pav and Aaron to a degree as well. I
Speaker 1: see Aaron working so hard, such a big bloke like him,
Speaker 1: running and trying keep up with me, like he busses
Speaker 1: asked to try and get as fitness well prepared as
Speaker 1: you can, like, if that big fellow can do it,
Speaker 1: why I can't wait. He's an absolute superstar. I want
Speaker 1: to be better than him, or be as you know,
Speaker 1: held up on a mantle like he is around other people.
Speaker 1: So that's how that's what how hard I've got to work.
Speaker 3: Speaking of held up on a mantle.
Speaker 2: Who came up with the idea of the chair off
Speaker 2: at the end of both of your careers.
Speaker 1: That was Aaron on the night. So he said, get
Speaker 1: on my shoulders. So I'm looking at his shoulders. He said,
Speaker 1: get on my shoulders, and when he says it twice,
Speaker 1: you don't argue the second time. So I said, I
Speaker 1: got on his shoulders. And it was actually, you know,
Speaker 1: looking at all the photos, actually pretty cool getting sentif
Speaker 1: like that. It was, yeah, really good to be going
Speaker 1: out with one of my best mates as well.
Speaker 2: It was very unique having a rutman just carrying a
Speaker 2: small forward on top of his shoulders like he was
Speaker 2: a child.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's what it looked like to look like
Speaker 1: I was sitting on dad's shoulders. But the boy like
Speaker 1: Dave I remember Dave Money and someone else was walking
Speaker 1: out to obviously come to chair us off and then
Speaker 1: they end up just helping me get up on his
Speaker 1: shoulders and walked off like that. So it was a
Speaker 1: pretty pretty special moment to walk around with the kids
Speaker 1: as well. It was really good.
Speaker 2: Your girls, I hear their little mini Hayden Valentine's. They've
Speaker 2: got a bit of going them.
Speaker 1: They do. They're quite good at their sports, and they're
Speaker 1: not scared of much, which scares me a little bit.
Speaker 1: Not much does scare me, but seeing them do some
Speaker 1: of the things they do, I just think, oh my god,
Speaker 1: there's going to be broken bones at some point, and
Speaker 1: it just makes me a bit nervous. Like they love
Speaker 1: their horses, they're always riding their ponies, they do gymnastics.
Speaker 1: The eldest one wants to play football this year, and
Speaker 1: I haven't pushed them towards football just because of the
Speaker 1: injury factor, and but you know, he was inevitable, I think,
Speaker 1: and they're actually quite good at it. So yeah, we'll
Speaker 1: see how that one goes. I'll be coaching this year
Speaker 1: to coaching the under twelve pilt Has Skills team, so
Speaker 1: that's awesome. That'll be fun.
Speaker 2: I feel like there's a little part of you that
Speaker 2: maybe is realizing what you inflicted on your parents.
Speaker 1: I know my dad regularly reminds me of that about
Speaker 1: he sees that his grandkids and what they do, and
Speaker 1: he goes, hey, mate, that's what you'd did to me
Speaker 1: when you were younger.
Speaker 2: So cop it now, you said before you hand it
Speaker 2: out some pretty honest feedbacks as a player. Do you
Speaker 2: remember any of those that stand out to you that
Speaker 2: you sort of said, I'm not copying.
Speaker 1: That towards my teammates. Yeah, I used to ride Brendan
Speaker 1: Cox quite hard because I can just see how talented,
Speaker 1: naturally talented he is. He plays such good games of
Speaker 1: footy and it's like he doesn't even need to try.
Speaker 1: He's just he's just that naturally gifted, that athletic, and
Speaker 1: if he listens to this, his head's going to blow
Speaker 1: up massively. But he actually is quite a unique player
Speaker 1: and that he's quick, he's agile, he can kick at
Speaker 1: both sides, and he's got great hands. He's a big man.
Speaker 1: So he's one that I think, could, you know, eventually
Speaker 1: be a superstar. He's just trying to get that out
Speaker 1: of him. And I used to ride him pretty hard,
Speaker 1: and what would you say, pull your finger out, you know.
Speaker 1: I used to push him all the time, like physically
Speaker 1: push him and say get there and do this and
Speaker 1: do that. And it wasn't so much what I said,
Speaker 1: It was what I was doing and trying to get
Speaker 1: him to come along with me kind of thing. And
Speaker 1: he did. He did, used to try and keep up
Speaker 1: and do it, do as much as he could. But
Speaker 1: once he actually does click for him and he realizes
Speaker 1: how good he could be, it's yeah, he could be
Speaker 1: an actual superstar.
Speaker 3: Do you see yourself as a leader.
Speaker 1: I didn't really see myself as a leader. I just
Speaker 1: thought I was doing I suppose I did in a sense,
Speaker 1: but without trying to be. I wasn't trying to go
Speaker 1: out there and be a leader. I was just trying
Speaker 1: to get the best out of myself and hopefully bringing
Speaker 1: someone along for the ride at the same time. I
Speaker 1: would always get Sunny Walter's brand and Materira, any of
Speaker 1: my small forwards around me. After training, we do five
Speaker 1: or ten minutes of ground balls, five or ten minutes
Speaker 1: of touch, just because that's our craft. We need to
Speaker 1: be one touch players, and I'd make them and Sonny
Speaker 1: would try to sneak off. Sometimes I'd make him come
Speaker 1: back out, and we do it pretty much religiously after
Speaker 1: every main training session, just to get that touch before
Speaker 1: we got on the plane and went over to Melbourne
Speaker 1: or something like that. So that was something I always
Speaker 1: made sure happen, just for myself one and for the
Speaker 1: other two boys or whoever was with us, just to
Speaker 1: make sure we were one touch players and at the
Speaker 1: top of our game as much as we could.
Speaker 2: And watching your daughter just very obediently go and feed
Speaker 2: the horses, stay quiet and off back to the house
Speaker 2: as well.
Speaker 3: You run a pretty tight ship, do.
Speaker 1: But you know, they get they're quite lucky in the
Speaker 1: sense they get to live on a property like this,
Speaker 1: they've got their ponies. But I always make sure that
Speaker 1: it's their ponies. This is your responsibility, and I think
Speaker 1: it teaches them responsibility early. If you don't give them
Speaker 1: water and food every day, what's going to happen to them?
Speaker 1: They die? And then when I set it to them
Speaker 1: like that, it's like, oh shit, I better take care
Speaker 1: of them because Dad's not going to do it for me.
Speaker 1: But yeah, probably five days of the week they do
Speaker 1: their own ponies. They do all their own work for them,
Speaker 1: and I think it teaches them good responsibilities.
Speaker 3: What does family mean to you?
Speaker 1: Family? Obviously, everything I did and I'm doing now is
Speaker 1: for my family. I want them to grow up comfortably.
Speaker 1: I want to be able to retire and hopefully ten
Speaker 1: years time, take them on holidays all over the world
Speaker 1: and do everything for them as much as I can.
Speaker 1: I didn't travel much when I was a kid because
Speaker 1: my dad was such a hard worker and being a
Speaker 1: horse trainer sometimes if you don't win many races and
Speaker 1: then that actually a bit of cash going around. So
Speaker 1: I want to My own game is to be able
Speaker 1: to retire in ten years comfortably and take them on
Speaker 1: trips and do the right thing by them and set
Speaker 1: them up as well.
Speaker 2: A lot of the attributes that you showed as a
Speaker 2: footy player resilience, strengths, leadership. It's fair to say you've
Speaker 2: needed that on the family front the last couple of years.
Speaker 2: It's been a challenging couple of years. Tell me about
Speaker 2: your brother, Brendan and what he was like as a bloat.
Speaker 1: Very much a knock about. His formal wear was a
Speaker 1: flanno that was his formal shirt to go out for dinner.
Speaker 1: He was just a hard working but he got his
Speaker 1: a lot of genes from dad. Just a hard working
Speaker 1: person who he actually helped build one of my houses.
Speaker 1: He was a bricky's laborer and just the Brickies couldn't
Speaker 1: keep up with him because he was such a hard
Speaker 1: worker and loved his fishing, love foot He didn't play footy,
Speaker 1: I think because he didn't want to be seen as
Speaker 1: being my brother and you have to try and make
Speaker 1: afl and put himself under that pressures. They didn't really
Speaker 1: play footy, but he did love going the footy. And
Speaker 1: you know he was watching the night he was hit.
Speaker 1: He was walking home from his mate's place after watching
Speaker 1: the Grand Final. The Eagles win the Grand Final. So yeah,
Speaker 1: it was a very solid time for the whole family,
Speaker 1: and yeah it was Ross. Was something something Ross said
Speaker 1: to me. He goes, you're the leader of your family,
Speaker 1: so you need to take care of them. And it
Speaker 1: was that that helped me a lot when Ros said that.
Speaker 3: Just giving you almost a responsibility to focus on well.
Speaker 1: And he also said, you know it's happened, but what's next.
Speaker 1: What does his dad need, what does your mum need?
Speaker 1: What does your his sibling, his other siblings need, And
Speaker 1: that was for the next month. That got me to there,
Speaker 1: and then after that it was his kids, like what
Speaker 1: do his kids need? And he's partner at the time,
Speaker 1: what does she need? And now she's she's got a house,
Speaker 1: the kids are, she's gonna she was going to start
Speaker 1: studying this year. The kids are doing well. You know,
Speaker 1: we look after them and see them when we can,
Speaker 1: and so does my dad and his wife as well.
Speaker 1: So he has been a solid eighteen to eighteen months
Speaker 1: or two years. But yeah, I still do think about
Speaker 1: him a fair bit. And playing footy, you are drawn
Speaker 1: apart from your family a bit, and Brendan was one
Speaker 1: I was drawn apart from because he was allowercking. He
Speaker 1: love going out and having them getting on the piss
Speaker 1: and having fun with his mates, fishing and that, and
Speaker 1: he'd hit me up to go fishing all the time.
Speaker 1: On a Friday night or a Thursday night, they go
Speaker 1: catch the massive big sharks off the beach. I don't
Speaker 1: have the lader to do it or not, but they
Speaker 1: went and did it, and I couldn't do it because
Speaker 1: I training, I was in Melbourne, and I didn't spend
Speaker 1: a whole lot of time with him while I was
Speaker 1: playing football. And then now I did have that time.
Speaker 1: I see some of his friends. His friends now, I
Speaker 1: actually see them. I actually kill a body of bee
Speaker 1: for him every now and then, and it's just yeah,
Speaker 1: I see them, and it would be good to be
Speaker 1: able to, yeah, see Brendan.
Speaker 3: What do you remember from that night?
Speaker 1: I was asleep on the couch and I had a
Speaker 1: had a phone call from Dad. It was a miss call,
Speaker 1: and I rang back and he was crying, and my
Speaker 1: first thought was my Pop, because he was quite old
Speaker 1: and not too well at the time. I thought, no,
Speaker 1: I know Pops passed away. And because he said someone's died,
Speaker 1: and that was my first thought was Pop. And then
Speaker 1: I said where. He said the hospital, Brennan's died, and
Speaker 1: I was like and it was just a complete shock.
Speaker 1: I just I didn't know if I was dreaming or
Speaker 1: didn't know what to think. And and then just kicking
Speaker 1: to Gear, I'm like, right, I've got to get there,
Speaker 1: and I went and told Lisa, and Lisa started a
Speaker 1: ball in her eyes out. I got to the hospital
Speaker 1: and everyone was just crying, just didn't know what to
Speaker 1: do or to say it. And I just all I said,
Speaker 1: I just can't. I just want to go see Brendan,
Speaker 1: and I went and seen him, and when I seen him,
Speaker 1: that was when the water works turned on for me.
Speaker 1: Then I lost lost control a little bit. And then
Speaker 1: my next thought was who did it and where where
Speaker 1: it's he? And now I think about that bloke as well,
Speaker 1: and I think, what do I do if I see
Speaker 1: him down the street. I wouldn't say a violent person,
Speaker 1: but I don't know if I could control myself if
Speaker 1: I did see the bloke. So, which is sad because
Speaker 1: I don't really blame him because he was doing his job.
Speaker 1: Yes he was on his phone and stuff like that,
Speaker 1: but it was an accident, so to speak. But he
Speaker 1: still took my brother. And I still don't really know
Speaker 1: what I'd do if I did see the bloke, which
Speaker 1: is a bit scary, I think because he doesn't live
Speaker 1: too far away.
Speaker 2: So your brother was walking down the street and he
Speaker 2: looked at his phone and veered off.
Speaker 1: Basically yeah, So during the court proceedings, I suppose that
Speaker 1: was what was the evidence that he admitted to was
Speaker 1: he was playing his phone. He was delivering pizzas that
Speaker 1: was his job, and he was playing with his GPS
Speaker 1: and swerved off the road two meters off the road
Speaker 1: and at one hundred k's clip Brendan on his way past.
Speaker 1: And Brendan was at his mate's place on the beers
Speaker 1: and walking it was easier to jump the fence and
Speaker 1: walk up two hundred meters and his partner at the
Speaker 1: time was waiting for him on the side of the road,
Speaker 1: and he never never made the car.
Speaker 3: Just a couple of hundred meters away.
Speaker 1: It was probably about another three hundred meters and he
Speaker 1: would have been in the car and gone home. So yeah,
Speaker 1: then you just see accidents like that happening. You never
Speaker 1: think it would happen to you, but when it does happen,
Speaker 1: it just leaves your speechless. And you know, all these emotions.
Speaker 1: I was an emotional person, but the wrong emotions, you know, anger,
Speaker 1: angle is the main one. More rage. I just didn't know.
Speaker 1: I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know
Speaker 1: if I should go looking for this guy or just yeah,
Speaker 1: life's not fair sometimes, I suppose.
Speaker 2: So what do you do with that level of rage?
Speaker 1: You got to direct your another thing, right, I look
Speaker 1: at Ross as a mentor for me and more than
Speaker 1: just forty but life as well, and your mind is
Speaker 1: such a powerful thing. And if you direct your mind
Speaker 1: towards rage, that's what you're going to have rage. If
Speaker 1: you direct your mind towards something else, that's what you'll do.
Speaker 1: And that's what I did. I directed my mind to
Speaker 1: helping Dad get through the funeral and organize in the funeral,
Speaker 1: and then the next step was the family. How you know,
Speaker 1: make sure the kids and the partner looked after and
Speaker 1: the horses. As silly and self as that sounds, Dad
Speaker 1: had thirty odd horses that had to be work. So
Speaker 1: I was going and riding horses in the morning and
Speaker 1: trying to help out there as much as I could,
Speaker 1: and just yeah, just focusing on what can I how
Speaker 1: to make Dad's life things yet more than any just
Speaker 1: how do I help Dad and get Dad through this
Speaker 1: rather than get myself through this. If I get Dad
Speaker 1: through this, that will help me get through this type thing.
Speaker 1: So that was what I focused on, was getting getting
Speaker 1: Dad through it and getting the rest of the family
Speaker 1: through it as well.
Speaker 3: Are you glad you went and saw Brendan that night?
Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely. Yeah.
Speaker 3: What did you get out of that, Just.
Speaker 1: That it was at the start, yes, this is actually happening,
Speaker 1: and just to say goodbye as well, So see you mate,
Speaker 1: And I'm sorry we couldn't go catch those sharks and
Speaker 1: get on the piss together again because it was Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's that's you know, I'll be able to spend time
Speaker 1: with your siblings and my other brother he does flying
Speaker 1: flight and he lives with us now, being able to
Speaker 1: go have a hit a golf, went to the pub
Speaker 1: on Sunday and watch the cricket, just things that I
Speaker 1: can actually do now before he's finished. I can't do
Speaker 1: with Brendan anymore. But yeah, like I said, that's that's life.
Speaker 1: Sometimes life's not fair.
Speaker 2: So how do you navigate the next few months then,
Speaker 2: because that's an impossible amount of responsibility and grief to
Speaker 2: be going through.
Speaker 1: Yeah again, it's just I was my main focus was
Speaker 1: Dad and getting Dad through, and I knew getting Dad
Speaker 1: through would help me get through because I knew he
Speaker 1: was struggling. And you know still now when he mentioned
Speaker 1: something about Brendan, you see he just goes into a
Speaker 1: glaze and doesn't and obviously he's just thinking about who knows,
Speaker 1: whether it's about Brendan or other things. I just don't know,
Speaker 1: but he just goes into al and goes quiet for
Speaker 1: a bit and then comes back. So clearly it still
Speaker 1: plays on Dad's mind, which he's only fair. But how
Speaker 1: I got through is just what's next. What's the next
Speaker 1: thing that I can help with? What's if I went
Speaker 1: back to thinking, right o, where is this bloke? What's
Speaker 1: what's that going to achieve? Really it's either gonna you know,
Speaker 1: I'll end up in jail or you know, just it's
Speaker 1: not gonna help anything. It's not gonna help any situation.
Speaker 1: So focus on what I can help with and make
Speaker 1: a positive thing, which was helping Dad get through.
Speaker 3: How do you feel about that bloke? Now?
Speaker 1: Like I said before, I I don't exactly blame him,
Speaker 1: but I still don't know what i'd do if I
Speaker 1: saw him walking down the street. I don't. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: would hope I could control myself, but I just don't know.
Speaker 2: Is there anything you get out of it? Is there
Speaker 2: any message that you push through something like this, because
Speaker 2: it's you know, that cliche thing of don't look at
Speaker 2: your phones or what ready is?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: Is there anything that you you get out of this
Speaker 2: in that sort of manner?
Speaker 1: Oh, obviously, how dangerous the car is, like concentrating on
Speaker 1: the road is just it's just a given now. If
Speaker 1: you're doing one hundred k's down the road and you
Speaker 1: just veer off a little bit and clip someone, they're gone.
Speaker 1: And it took it. It didn't take an accent. I've
Speaker 1: been always been aware of it, but it took it.
Speaker 1: Took something like that to really make me focus on
Speaker 1: it more. And I'll catch myself sometimes I'll hear the
Speaker 1: phone or something, I'll go look and I think I
Speaker 1: should I shouldn't do that, and it's just you just
Speaker 1: need it. It's in the forefront of your mind now.
Speaker 1: And same as my dad, like he will not even
Speaker 1: look at the phone while he's striving, and which which
Speaker 1: is how it's meant to be anyway.
Speaker 2: How tough was it the court case and having to
Speaker 2: live through something like that, and you were very much
Speaker 2: the public figure for your family addressing the media and
Speaker 2: things like that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was probably one of the most disappointing phases
Speaker 1: my life with respect to media, just the lack of
Speaker 1: respect they showed towards me and my family. Just getting
Speaker 1: in your face, constantly calling SHANEI Brennan's partner for a
Speaker 1: comment or stuff like that. And she's a twenty one
Speaker 1: year old girl who's never dealt with media, She's never
Speaker 1: had to be put in the limelight and putting pressure
Speaker 1: on her. She's just lost her fiance and father to
Speaker 1: her two kids. It's just it was very disrespectful and
Speaker 1: very just very selfish. I think trying to get a
Speaker 1: story is sell some papers or sell some advertising at
Speaker 1: the loss of someone's life, I think is absolute bullshit.
Speaker 1: And there's certain media people who they know who they are,
Speaker 1: who cop the spray from me, And if I saw
Speaker 1: him again, they'd definitely be copying another spray because it
Speaker 1: wasn't needed. They should have showed more respect and they
Speaker 1: should be disappointed themselves.
Speaker 3: I think, what about the court case, how was that
Speaker 3: for you?
Speaker 1: That? Yeah, again, I was two meters away from the
Speaker 1: bloker hit Brendan and he walked past me and Dad,
Speaker 1: and I could just see Dad twitching like that, and
Speaker 1: I just thought, Dad's a he's more of a hot
Speaker 1: head than me, Like he's he's known known around the
Speaker 1: race course, is someone you don't pissed off too much
Speaker 1: because he's there, flies off the deep end very quickly.
Speaker 1: And Yeah, sitting through that with Dad and listening to
Speaker 1: all the oh, what's the word where you give a
Speaker 1: testimony or something like that, listenings all those from the family.
Speaker 1: It was just just yeah, very very hard, very gut
Speaker 1: wrenching to hear how much Brendan was loved from his
Speaker 1: family and how much they're going to miss him, and
Speaker 1: as we all were. But when he made his testimony
Speaker 1: about his family and I just thought, you know, you've
Speaker 1: taken our family. Why should you or your family get
Speaker 1: you kind of thing. I thought, he just needs to
Speaker 1: go away for a few years and just just to
Speaker 1: make it feel like Brennan's life meant something for him
Speaker 1: to get seven months. I don't think the judge is
Speaker 1: trying to be leaning. I think he handed down the
Speaker 1: harshest term he possibly could under the laws. But it
Speaker 1: definitely was enough. And that again the laws is something
Speaker 1: that doesn't help either. But dangerous driving causing death and
Speaker 1: you get seven months, but it's just not right.
Speaker 3: I don't think so you'd like to say that, you know.
Speaker 1: Absolutely there's got to be a mandatory sentence. If you're
Speaker 1: on your phone and you know the Blake had marijuana
Speaker 1: any system, Whether he was smoking pot that night or
Speaker 1: the night before, it doesn't matter, it's in your system.
Speaker 1: You have done the crime, you've got to do the time.
Speaker 1: If you've got if there's that many aggravating factors you need,
Speaker 1: you know, there needs to be a mandatory sentence for
Speaker 1: that kind of thing.
Speaker 3: Was that the first time that you actually looked him
Speaker 3: either eye in the court?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yep.
Speaker 2: You're listening to ordinarily speaking with Hayden Valentine all the
Speaker 2: while you also had to navigate your last year of
Speaker 2: footy as well, when you went back to playing footy.
Speaker 2: I've heard when I've interviewed people about particularly family tragedy
Speaker 2: and footy, some find it like a release and other
Speaker 2: people just didn't care anymore, didn't want to be out there.
Speaker 2: How did you find getting back to footy after going
Speaker 2: through something like that.
Speaker 1: No, it was definitely more just a just getting back
Speaker 1: into that routine, something else to take my mind off
Speaker 1: of the stuff going on at home. And yeah, it
Speaker 1: was definitely it was definitely a help trying to go back, Paul,
Speaker 1: but I did my hammy around one. It wasston grill.
Speaker 1: That wasn't great. But yeah, getting back into a routine
Speaker 1: and having having something to really sink my teeth back
Speaker 1: into outside of, you know, all the grief at home
Speaker 1: was definitely a helping factor.
Speaker 3: Did you ever have moments or it just got a
Speaker 3: bit too much?
Speaker 1: Yeah, at home I did sometimes, but I go at
Speaker 1: the front and have a bit of time to myself
Speaker 1: and then come back in and get on with it.
Speaker 1: So I'm not really someone that puts all my burdens
Speaker 1: onto everyone else, so I can deal with myself.
Speaker 3: I didn't want your girls to say.
Speaker 1: That's the main thing. Yeah, I didn't want to see
Speaker 1: you know, they see me upset, They're going to think
Speaker 1: something's wrong where something was wrong, but it's not something
Speaker 1: that they need to worry about. It was more I
Speaker 1: just needed to get myself through and get Dad through,
Speaker 1: and the rest of the family too. Bringing them into.
Speaker 2: It tough too, because two out of three of your
Speaker 2: girls are old enough to have understood what happened.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I at the time mainly just a Vana. She
Speaker 1: fully understood what was happening. She was ten at the time,
Speaker 1: so she fully understood. But Avery was still a bit
Speaker 1: didn't really understand all that kind of stuff. Like, Yeah,
Speaker 1: Avanna was quite up upset. She'd never I'd never had
Speaker 1: anyone in the family pass away, so it was yeah,
Speaker 1: definitely a big stage for all of our lives.
Speaker 2: That's a massive tragedy to be the first time that
Speaker 2: you go through something like that, Like, are you proud
Speaker 2: of yourself how you handled it or.
Speaker 1: I don't not. Not really, I haven't thought of it
Speaker 1: in that way at all. It's more so it was
Speaker 1: that was what needed to be done at the time.
Speaker 1: Like you know, Dad's Dad's brought me out my whole
Speaker 1: life to be well. I would hope that he's a person,
Speaker 1: a hard working person and someone who who stands for something.
Speaker 1: So for me to help him out through a tough
Speaker 1: period of his life is the least I could have done.
Speaker 3: You and your dad sound like you've got a pretty
Speaker 3: special relationship.
Speaker 1: Did We've had our ups and we've definitely had air
Speaker 1: ups and downs, but you know, we couldn't be much
Speaker 1: stronger at the moment.
Speaker 3: I wouldn't have thought is that is that?
Speaker 2: I mean, there's no positive out of a situation like that,
Speaker 2: But is that something that you know your family are
Speaker 2: tighter because of it?
Speaker 1: Definitely? Definitely, And you know we're not We're not a
Speaker 1: huggy family. Dad doesn't give me a hugh, you give
Speaker 1: me a pat on the back or kick up the Yars.
Speaker 1: That's about it. So no, that's right. But you know
Speaker 1: my after my last game and then at the Doig
Speaker 1: when me and Aaron said see her all the everyone
Speaker 1: at the Doig, just before I went up on stage,
Speaker 1: he came and gave me a big argett on the back.
Speaker 1: So that was that was pretty cool.
Speaker 2: You have tears in your eyes when it was your
Speaker 2: talk about him? Yeah, what'd you say to you just said,
Speaker 2: he's proud and well done. Pretty much like I said,
Speaker 2: he's been through a lot, so I've seen him have
Speaker 2: tears in his eyes are fair a bit lately, So yeah,
Speaker 2: it's pretty hard to see him go through that because
Speaker 2: he's bloody tough bloke.
Speaker 3: Do you have conversations about Brendan the tour of you?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: About Brandan has the person, Not about I wouldn't say
Speaker 1: our feelings and stuff like that, more so about Brandon
Speaker 1: and bringing him up and the stuff he used to do.
Speaker 1: And my nan as well. Then she always she does
Speaker 1: missing a bit because most days after work you'd come
Speaker 1: out need me to do anything. Then that's the type
Speaker 1: of person who was. He always looked after that and
Speaker 1: Pop quite a lot because they really looked after us.
Speaker 1: When we were kids as well.
Speaker 3: Sheep in the background.
Speaker 2: I love Itulu, you don't always rely on as sheep's
Speaker 2: light in the moon.
Speaker 3: Yeah, your Nane and your dad and everything you've been through.
Speaker 3: I mean, it's just such a lot like to deal with.
Speaker 2: How do you approach the future with everything that's happened,
Speaker 2: because you get to the point now where I guess
Speaker 2: the healing process begins.
Speaker 3: Is that fair?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Again, like the healing process started for me by
Speaker 1: helping Dad get That was what helped me. I suppose
Speaker 1: getting Dad through and be able to say some things
Speaker 1: at the funeral because Dad couldn't get up and no
Speaker 1: one else could get up to say to say much,
Speaker 1: So me getting up and saying something on behalf of
Speaker 1: our family definitely helped me. I got to say a
Speaker 1: few things that I wish I could have been able
Speaker 1: to say to Brandon, So that definitely helped me. And
Speaker 1: now it's more now, it's more grieving now because you know,
Speaker 1: he could have come to the pub the other day
Speaker 1: with me and my other brother. So it's stuff like
Speaker 1: that I think about. That's what I think about now,
Speaker 1: is like the moments that I have missed. I'm not
Speaker 1: blaming footy, but because you know I was footy was
Speaker 1: my main priority at that time of my life.
Speaker 3: Does it make you resem footing?
Speaker 1: Not at all, Not at all. Like foot He's given
Speaker 1: me so much and you know, he came to games
Speaker 1: and watch me play, so he was along for the
Speaker 1: ride as well. So and none of the family do
Speaker 1: like they understood that was my prior. It was always
Speaker 1: my dream was to play footy and to be able
Speaker 1: to get to the LST level was amazing for me
Speaker 1: and my family. So that definitely doesn't make me resement
Speaker 1: footy at all.
Speaker 3: What did you say that funeral?
Speaker 1: Oh, basically what I've said there the times that we missed,
Speaker 1: I can't get him back now. So that was that
Speaker 1: was very hard. And I looked out a few of
Speaker 1: my mates and they are all like all these apparently
Speaker 1: tough floaks, all bore in their eyes out and I
Speaker 1: had a frog in my throat the whole time, and
Speaker 1: it was, Yeah, that was definitely a very hard bit
Speaker 1: looking at it everyone and seeing their faces was and
Speaker 1: just how many people were there, like you know people
Speaker 1: you joke about it saying, you know, how popular way
Speaker 1: how many people rock up to your funeral? And you
Speaker 1: never thought I would have said that about Brendon, but
Speaker 1: he was obviously a popular plot because there's hundreds of
Speaker 1: people there and we all wore red flannels because that
Speaker 1: was his thing to wear, the red flannel. That was
Speaker 1: our retire for the day.
Speaker 3: Did your teammates and did Ross rossline go?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm pretty I think Ross was there definitely. Well,
Speaker 1: Aaron's not hard to pick out of the crowd, and
Speaker 1: it was a few few other teammates and my close mates,
Speaker 1: anyone that could get there, they were all there, so
Speaker 1: which is good support.
Speaker 3: Do you stay in touch with Ross? Does he?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, He'll we ring each other out of the blue
Speaker 1: and just say hello and have a chat about life
Speaker 1: and actually don't talk about footy that much. I think
Speaker 1: footy is done. I suppose like we've we've done everything
Speaker 1: we could in footy. He's an amazing coach. I've kicked a
Speaker 1: few goals and it was that was that was it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we're going So I got interrupted again.
Speaker 3: No, that's all right, No, I'm all good. Thank you though.
Speaker 1: Do you want dinner?
Speaker 3: He's got to ask for dinner. That's the first as well.
Speaker 3: On a podcast?
Speaker 1: What is it? Mitchell chicken vibs.
Speaker 3: No, I'm good, thank you though, thank you my loss
Speaker 3: apparently to the confidence runs in the family. I love it.
Speaker 3: What did Ross lyine?
Speaker 2: You spoke about it a little bit earlier, But what
Speaker 2: did he mean to you through all of this time?
Speaker 2: Because it sounds like it really transcended coach player relationship.
Speaker 1: So we always were Every player at Freo had someone,
Speaker 1: whether it be another player or a coach, who you'd
Speaker 1: go and talk to. And I like, you know, there
Speaker 1: was the psychiatrists, and then there's all the assistant coach.
Speaker 1: There's a bloody twenty assistant coaches at most AFL clubs.
Speaker 1: But the only one I really felt comfortable with was
Speaker 1: talking with was Ross because he's been through a fair
Speaker 1: bit himself throughout his career in life. So I don't know,
Speaker 1: I think we just we were on a pretty similar
Speaker 1: playing field. He was a bit of a rough nut
Speaker 1: from where was he from in Melbourne? He always used
Speaker 1: to bring it up, Frank Frankston, I don't know, one
Speaker 1: of those one of those rough, rough suburbs he used
Speaker 1: to tell us about. And I'm from mandra So we
Speaker 1: hit it off pretty well, and he was just someone
Speaker 1: I always felt comfortable talking to it. I knew if
Speaker 1: I said something to him, it wouldn't be repeated anywhere.
Speaker 1: I just you know, that was the type of relationship
Speaker 1: we had.
Speaker 3: And he always knew what to say.
Speaker 1: He always he did. And but it always related back
Speaker 1: to what your focuses are and you know what's important
Speaker 1: to you and what's going to get you to the
Speaker 1: next level, to the next level, to being good again
Speaker 1: type thing. So it's just stepping stones. And you know,
Speaker 1: he always used to use these silly things. He used
Speaker 1: to stay up shoulder of the wheel and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: But it's true. You put your shoulder to the wheel,
Speaker 1: you keep pushing. Eventually wheel turn and things will get better.
Speaker 1: Or whether it be life or family or football, just
Speaker 1: keep on the next step, next step, next step, But
Speaker 1: eventually it will get better because if you don't, if
Speaker 1: you stop, then you're up ship Creek, aren't you.
Speaker 2: So how now do you remember Brendan with your girls,
Speaker 2: with your wife, with his kids as well, which I
Speaker 2: mean is the toughest part of this, I guess, how
Speaker 2: do you remember him going forward.
Speaker 1: Again? It's hard to when you bring him up and
Speaker 1: want to talk about him, because we did miss so
Speaker 1: many years of being able to do stuff together, but
Speaker 1: now it's more so family events having the kids there,
Speaker 1: Like he's ava who. It's amazing how similar my kids
Speaker 1: and his kids look like. You look at him first
Speaker 1: you think they don't look alike, but then you look
Speaker 1: at the little the nose, the eyes and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: Little things like that, you think, my god, they just
Speaker 1: had the same color hair and not curly or straight
Speaker 1: or whatever. They just dead ringers. So that's that's something
Speaker 1: that really hits home when you see the kids and
Speaker 1: the similarities in them and the similarities and the personality
Speaker 1: they're all. They're all very headstrong young girls. So yeah,
Speaker 1: that's remembering him in that way and trying to make
Speaker 1: sure his kids are brought up the best we can
Speaker 1: and help out as much as we can without interfering
Speaker 1: in what she's doing, Like she's a young girl trying
Speaker 1: to find her way in life, and being there to
Speaker 1: support her, not tell her what to do, but you know,
Speaker 1: offer a hand wherever we can. Is that's I think
Speaker 1: that's the best we can do.
Speaker 3: Bluddy, that's that's a tough line to tread as well.
Speaker 1: I don't want to overstep it, And yeah, tell her
Speaker 1: what to do, tell her how to do stuff. But
Speaker 1: hopefully I think she does. You know, between myself and
Speaker 1: my wife A Lisa, she knows that we're there to
Speaker 1: support in any way we can.
Speaker 2: This is bloody tough for you to talk about, isn't it.
Speaker 2: You find this like it's very raw still it is.
Speaker 1: And because I don't talk about it really, I'm not
Speaker 1: a big talker when it comes to what I'm thinking.
Speaker 1: I have my ways of getting through stuff, and talking's
Speaker 1: not one of them. So yeah, it's not something I
Speaker 1: bring up intentionally.
Speaker 3: Do you ever talk to anyone about it?
Speaker 1: Not? Really. I have spoke to Ross about it, and
Speaker 1: he's probably the only one I really need to. I
Speaker 1: can take it from there.
Speaker 3: It's a lot to take on your own shoulders, it isn't.
Speaker 1: It isn't because you know Dad's taking on his shoulders
Speaker 1: as well. His wife, Donna, She's she's someone who's been
Speaker 1: unbelievable in this whole process, having sort of stuff out,
Speaker 1: being there for work, being there for dad. Yeah, she's
Speaker 1: been a rock for him and for me as well.
Speaker 1: She helps out me in a lot of ways as well,
Speaker 1: So you know it's not just me. I'm not a.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be a selfish person thing it's
Speaker 1: about me, because it's about so many other people. And
Speaker 1: I think I'm like Ross said, I'm a leader in
Speaker 1: my family and I need to take it on my
Speaker 1: shoulders as much as I can.
Speaker 3: Are you doing okay?
Speaker 1: I'm doing okay? Yeah, I think I am. I have
Speaker 1: my moments, but I get back on the shoulder for
Speaker 1: the wheel as much as I can.
Speaker 2: With anybody else out there that's going through tough times
Speaker 2: and particularly tragedy, like you were talking about, what would
Speaker 2: you say to them?
Speaker 1: Fine, someone you feel comfortable talking to, because you know
Speaker 1: everyone's got someone, whether you're a big I'm not a
Speaker 1: big talker, but I have spoken to someone about it,
Speaker 1: and that's that's all I need. Really. But if you
Speaker 1: need to find someone, and you need to not focus
Speaker 1: on the negatives, so you need to remember, Brandon, I
Speaker 1: remember what happened and why it happened and how it happened.
Speaker 1: But don't don't think anger. I don't think you know regret.
Speaker 1: Regret is something I have a fair bit of, but
Speaker 1: it's not my main focus. My main focus is what
Speaker 1: can I do to make things better? If you think
Speaker 1: negative all the time, it doesn't end well for anyone.
Speaker 2: And even the anger, it takes a long time. You know,
Speaker 2: you have to keep reminding yourself, don't you.
Speaker 1: You do you do, And that's my biggest thing, remind myself.
Speaker 1: You know what if I do something, what happens, I
Speaker 1: go to jail, or I'll end up in court myself
Speaker 1: or whatever. So focus on the things that will help,
Speaker 1: not the things that will hinder.
Speaker 3: Someone said to me, it's what is helpful over what
Speaker 3: is harmful.
Speaker 1: And that's that's exactly the philosophy. What's going to help
Speaker 1: and what's going to hinder the process and being there
Speaker 1: for your families is something that I'm all about now,
Speaker 1: is if post football is being there as much as
Speaker 1: I can and getting the family through.
Speaker 3: I suppose has it taught you anything.
Speaker 1: He's taught me. I can deal with a bit, I
Speaker 1: suppose you know I can. I've always known, you know,
Speaker 1: I can handle injuries and pain and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: But emotions and stuff like that I can take a
Speaker 1: bit on. And Yeah, but aside from that, I think
Speaker 1: it's still I still don't know how I feel. Still
Speaker 1: Probably I suppose, like I said, I don't know how
Speaker 1: to talk too well. So, yeah, talking is like a
Speaker 1: strong point in mind. So the feelings and what I
Speaker 1: feel is yeah, more I try to point out more
Speaker 1: towards how I can help.
Speaker 3: I mean, I suppose it's just bloody hard to make
Speaker 3: sense of.
Speaker 1: It was, yeah, and making sense of it for me
Speaker 1: more so than anyone. That Dad and Brennan saw each
Speaker 1: other just about every day, where I didn't get to
Speaker 1: do that. So that's that's the regret that I was
Speaker 1: talking about before. The one regret has not been able
Speaker 1: to spend enough time with Brendan.
Speaker 2: Do you have one story that I was spending time
Speaker 2: with him that stands out to you?
Speaker 1: One that definitely stands out. He house sat one of
Speaker 1: our properties. He would have been just eighteen. I reckon
Speaker 1: and I said, have some mates, but no parties. Yeah,
Speaker 1: no worries. He had to feed the low We had
Speaker 1: some horses out there. Well, I don't know. I can't
Speaker 1: remember where we went. I think we went to I
Speaker 1: can't remember. We went away for a few weeks anyway,
Speaker 1: came back in the house of our house is down
Speaker 1: the back the main the small house at the front
Speaker 1: of the manager's house. I suppose that's where he was staying.
Speaker 1: There were motorbike tracks up the walls of this house.
Speaker 1: There will beer cans everywhere. The fire pit was melted.
Speaker 1: That he mus had the biggest party and he and
Speaker 1: I said get now and clean up. You meant your
Speaker 1: little shit, and he did. He came out, he was
Speaker 1: I think you still hung over from whatever the party
Speaker 1: you had, and came out and cleaned it all up.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I'd probably let him do it now though
Speaker 1: I knew what was going to happen.
Speaker 2: How do you feel about having spoken about it as
Speaker 2: somebody who doesn't speak about it a lot.
Speaker 1: I don't feel too much different, Like I suppose it's
Speaker 1: more so being if this was to happen to someone
Speaker 1: else in there, feeling a bit of anger and regret
Speaker 1: and that kind of stuff. Is there's other ways to
Speaker 1: help rather than just get upset. Getting upset isn't always
Speaker 1: the best thing. I'll show you, show that you care,
Speaker 1: and show that what they meant, But getting upset doesn't
Speaker 1: fix everything. It's so what can you actually do to
Speaker 1: help someone else, because that helps you as well. That's
Speaker 1: it definitely definitely helped me. Helping Dad and the family
Speaker 1: get through is what helped me get through.
Speaker 3: Thank you for doing this.
Speaker 2: I really appreciate I can see how physically tough it
Speaker 2: is for you to talk about it, so I do
Speaker 2: really appreciate it.
Speaker 1: You're right, Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. You know you
Speaker 1: probably wouldn't have seen me before. I suppose it doesn't
Speaker 1: happen very often.
Speaker 3: No, it doesn't, but it's it's you're a.
Speaker 1: Human, Alisa, my wife doesn't always think that, but.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 1: That's another thing, not that I think being adder. It's
Speaker 1: definitely brought our family together a lot more in the
Speaker 1: sense that Alisa definitely holds her siblings closer now I
Speaker 1: hold my siblings closer. And as much as I want
Speaker 1: Brendan back to be around, to be around my kids, mate,
Speaker 1: maybe not to see him with his kids. It has
Speaker 1: definitely brought us closer as a family, I suppose. So
Speaker 1: there is no wins out of it, but that is
Speaker 1: one win that we've had as a family.
Speaker 2: This.
Speaker 1: We're definitely a tighter.
Speaker 3: Group and a lot more present when you are.
Speaker 1: There, exactly. Yeah. Christmas is a yeah, there's a lot
Speaker 1: more presents at Christmas. We want to we want to
Speaker 1: enjoy it, We want to enjoy each other's company. A
Speaker 1: lot more and do things together a lot more rather
Speaker 1: than just work all the time.
Speaker 3: Thank you for having me at your beautiful property and
Speaker 3: for sharing something that he's so intimate and tough.
Speaker 2: To talk about it. I really do appreciate it. I
Speaker 2: always knew you were a tough bugger. This is a
Speaker 2: bit different to the first interview we ever did at
Speaker 2: that surf shop, but I appreciate that you gave me
Speaker 2: the time, you know, fifteen years on or whatever it is.
Speaker 1: I don't think I shaved that then. Thanks Valance time.
Speaker 2: Thanks for listening to this episode of ordinarily speaking, I
Speaker 2: hope you got something out of it. Once again, thank
Speaker 2: you to Hayden and his family for sharing their story.
Speaker 2: I'm in awe of their strength and resilience. Please remember
Speaker 2: if this chat was triggering for you, there is help
Speaker 2: out there. Lifeline and Beyond Blue are just a couple
Speaker 2: of places you can go
Speaker 1: Somet