WEBVTT - ASK UNCUT - Whats the dress code? 0:00:18.560 --> 0:00:21.880 Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life 0:00:21.880 --> 0:00:24.279 on Pard. I'm Brittany and I'm Laura, and this is 0:00:24.280 --> 0:00:27.400 our Thursday episode. In case you're wondering, it's out, down 0:00:27.480 --> 0:00:30.280 and dirty and sexy little episode where we answer your deep, 0:00:30.400 --> 0:00:34.040 dark and burning questions. And thank you to everybody who 0:00:34.040 --> 0:00:36.879 are sent in questions for today's episode. We have like 0:00:36.960 --> 0:00:39.680 always received so many and I reckon, we've got some 0:00:39.720 --> 0:00:40.720 really good ones today. 0:00:41.000 --> 0:00:42.800 And whilst we're saying now thank you, is thank you 0:00:42.840 --> 0:00:45.279 to our sponsor for this week, which is Durmavine. Now 0:00:45.320 --> 0:00:49.840 Deermovine is an insane moisturizer so good that I ordered 0:00:49.880 --> 0:00:52.680 it into my quarantines. It is amazing for dry and 0:00:52.760 --> 0:00:53.440 itchy skin. 0:00:54.000 --> 0:00:55.640 But Laura, we. 0:00:55.640 --> 0:01:00.240 Are so close to being back together physically. I can 0:01:00.280 --> 0:01:01.960 almost reach through the screen and touch you. 0:01:02.240 --> 0:01:04.399 Okay, So we're recording this on Wednesday. Actually, there's so 0:01:04.480 --> 0:01:07.319 much happening. By the time this episode comes out on Thursday, 0:01:07.400 --> 0:01:10.560 Melbourne will be out of lockdown, the Bachelorette would have started, 0:01:10.600 --> 0:01:13.720 and Brittany Hockley will be back here in Sydney in 0:01:13.840 --> 0:01:16.640 BONDI probably doing the exact same thing that she was 0:01:16.640 --> 0:01:18.520 doing before. She left, which is sitting in my bedroom 0:01:18.560 --> 0:01:20.040 in her underwear, recording the podcast. 0:01:21.280 --> 0:01:23.240 What has been going on, Laura, What have you got 0:01:23.240 --> 0:01:25.399 from me this week? Tell me something exciting has happened? 0:01:25.480 --> 0:01:27.840 I have absolutely nothing at all, Like I wish I 0:01:27.840 --> 0:01:28.240 could come. 0:01:29.120 --> 0:01:30.680 You're like, I'm still essentially in lockdown. 0:01:30.720 --> 0:01:32.840 I'm not even gonna live people. I'm not gonna pretend 0:01:32.880 --> 0:01:34.800 like my life is anything that's interesting. I guess the 0:01:34.840 --> 0:01:36.680 only thing that has been happening in my life lately 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:40.480 is it's all kid related. So Lola has just started daycare. 0:01:40.600 --> 0:01:44.160 She is going one day of daycare a week at 0:01:44.160 --> 0:01:47.160 the moment, which is a Monday, and it is I mean, 0:01:47.319 --> 0:01:49.440 if you guys been following the podcast for a while, 0:01:49.560 --> 0:01:52.760 you might remember back when Marley started daycare. She was 0:01:52.760 --> 0:01:54.520 a little bit older. I think Molly started daycare when 0:01:54.560 --> 0:01:55.920 she was around one year old. 0:01:55.800 --> 0:01:57.480 And you had like a breakdown. You're like, I can't 0:01:57.520 --> 0:01:57.880 take her. 0:01:58.640 --> 0:02:00.680 I remember, and I was like, you'll be fine, Laura, 0:02:00.760 --> 0:02:03.160 and drop the girl and daycare. I was like crying 0:02:03.280 --> 0:02:05.520 on the podcast because I had dropped her at daycare 0:02:05.520 --> 0:02:08.799 and I had just such guilt. It was so hard, 0:02:08.840 --> 0:02:10.560 and I think because she was one year old. She 0:02:10.919 --> 0:02:12.840 just knew a little bit more about what was happening 0:02:12.880 --> 0:02:16.320 around her, so she would stand there screaming and being 0:02:16.360 --> 0:02:19.560 like mummy, mummy, and then ah, just it's the worst. 0:02:19.639 --> 0:02:22.240 Any mum who's had to go through taking their kid 0:02:22.320 --> 0:02:25.160 and adjusting to the first time in daycare knows exactly 0:02:25.160 --> 0:02:28.520 that feeling. But Lola has started daycare. Lola started two 0:02:28.560 --> 0:02:31.040 weeks ago. She's doing one day a week. And Lola 0:02:31.080 --> 0:02:32.040 started at two weeks old. 0:02:32.080 --> 0:02:33.040 I couldn't wait to get her there. 0:02:33.040 --> 0:02:36.320 I dropped her off. I didn't cry. It's very different 0:02:36.320 --> 0:02:38.920 with the second child. It's not surprising to me anymore. 0:02:38.960 --> 0:02:41.320 Why everyone says like that you have second child or 0:02:41.320 --> 0:02:45.480 middle child syndrome. But she's eight months. She's not ten months. 0:02:45.520 --> 0:02:47.880 She's eight months. Not only one day a week. She 0:02:47.880 --> 0:02:49.720 goes to the same daycare that Molly's at, so they're 0:02:49.720 --> 0:02:52.320 together all the time. I didn't have the same level 0:02:52.360 --> 0:02:55.080 of guilt or fear or sadness that I had the 0:02:55.120 --> 0:02:58.160 first time round, obviously, because now I had this real 0:02:58.200 --> 0:03:01.079 connection with the daycare and the women who work there, 0:03:01.080 --> 0:03:04.400 and you know, I really trust them as carers. But 0:03:04.960 --> 0:03:07.640 it's just so different. Everything is so different. With the 0:03:07.680 --> 0:03:09.600 second kid, they're resilient. 0:03:10.120 --> 0:03:12.359 You wait too, you have a third one should be 0:03:12.360 --> 0:03:13.239 straight out of the womb. 0:03:13.639 --> 0:03:17.239 And then there's Molly. Molly she's a toddler, and toddler's 0:03:17.280 --> 0:03:19.960 find the most interesting and wild ways to offend you 0:03:20.040 --> 0:03:22.359 on the daily. So it started off start off with 0:03:22.480 --> 0:03:25.800 just her pointing at my forehead, just pointing, and then 0:03:25.800 --> 0:03:28.320 she would just hold her finger on like any little 0:03:28.400 --> 0:03:31.080 mark or imperfection, or when I say little mark or 0:03:31.080 --> 0:03:33.280 my malasma, she would like, draw a line around my 0:03:33.320 --> 0:03:34.600 pigmentation or my forehead. 0:03:34.760 --> 0:03:36.320 You're like, yes, sweetheart, I know it's there. 0:03:36.360 --> 0:03:39.400 Yeah, it's there. I can see. And then yesterday she 0:03:39.560 --> 0:03:41.880 was like, I want to do drawings. And I was like, 0:03:41.920 --> 0:03:43.160 what do you mean you want to do drawings? And 0:03:43.200 --> 0:03:44.920 she's like, on my face? And I was like, you 0:03:44.960 --> 0:03:46.880 can't do drawings on your face. Is eight am in 0:03:46.920 --> 0:03:48.800 the morning. You're going to daycare. And she was like, 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:51.520 why does mommy have drawings on her face? 0:03:55.000 --> 0:03:56.480 Is she talking about the malasma? 0:03:56.600 --> 0:03:58.720 I know she's talking about my wrinkles. So now she's 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:01.000 upset that she can't have drawings because Mommy drew on 0:04:01.040 --> 0:04:03.560 her face. That's why that's what they are anyway? Kids 0:04:03.640 --> 0:04:04.360 are kids are mean? 0:04:04.520 --> 0:04:06.600 You're like because mummy hasn't had botox for a while. 0:04:06.800 --> 0:04:09.600 Yeah, because all of the clinics have been closed. But 0:04:09.680 --> 0:04:11.480 I would love to know if anybody else out there 0:04:11.640 --> 0:04:14.240 were so many mums he slid into my dms. Please 0:04:14.440 --> 0:04:17.960 send us what absolutely wild stuff your toddlers have said 0:04:18.000 --> 0:04:19.960 to you. I live for this. I will share it 0:04:20.000 --> 0:04:21.680 with all the other mum listeners who listen to this 0:04:21.720 --> 0:04:23.359 podcast because I know that there is a few of 0:04:23.440 --> 0:04:27.159 us toddler's wild. The second kids are resilient, and I 0:04:27.200 --> 0:04:29.120 cannot wait to see what the third one's going to be. Like, Well, 0:04:29.120 --> 0:04:31.080 what kid's going to be tough the third day? 0:04:31.120 --> 0:04:32.400 It's not coming for a little while. 0:04:32.920 --> 0:04:35.719 I love that I'm putting these restrictions. See, actually, that 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:36.599 is really interesting. 0:04:36.600 --> 0:04:38.080 I wanted to tell you about something, and I think 0:04:38.120 --> 0:04:40.640 maybe that you could pass this information onto Matt because 0:04:40.640 --> 0:04:42.440 I think that you're gonna need it. I was just 0:04:42.480 --> 0:04:46.600 reading something about Now, look, we know that the onus 0:04:46.640 --> 0:04:50.040 of contraception falls on women, like we've got the IUDs 0:04:50.120 --> 0:04:51.560 it's up to us to make the men put on 0:04:51.600 --> 0:04:53.680 the condom, because I never bloody want to. We have 0:04:53.760 --> 0:04:55.800 to take the pill every day of our life. We 0:04:55.839 --> 0:04:57.800 get all the repercussions from it, and I feel like 0:04:57.800 --> 0:05:01.080 it's always just been expected that women, I don't want 0:05:01.120 --> 0:05:02.640 to say carry the burden, but I guess it is 0:05:02.680 --> 0:05:04.719 a burden to ensure that you don't feel pregnant if 0:05:04.760 --> 0:05:06.640 you don't want it. So we have the onus and 0:05:06.640 --> 0:05:07.599 the responsibility. 0:05:07.839 --> 0:05:10.120 Well, I think there's also this perception, and I know 0:05:10.160 --> 0:05:12.599 where this is going, but there's always this perception that 0:05:13.000 --> 0:05:16.240 most men won't take control over their own contraception, or 0:05:16.240 --> 0:05:18.960 that men can't be trusted to take control. And maybe 0:05:19.040 --> 0:05:21.760 that maybe that is true in like a casual dating setting, 0:05:21.960 --> 0:05:23.920 but it's not necessarily true when you're in a committed 0:05:23.960 --> 0:05:27.800 relationship with your partner. Well, there is this new ground 0:05:27.920 --> 0:05:30.400 breaking research from a very young woman. 0:05:30.560 --> 0:05:33.160 Her name is Rebecca Weis. She's an industrial design graduate 0:05:33.240 --> 0:05:35.279 from the University of Munich and she's just won this 0:05:35.440 --> 0:05:39.200 huge prize. It's basically, I guess, an invention prize where 0:05:39.240 --> 0:05:42.839 she gets funding to develop this IDEA long story short, 0:05:42.960 --> 0:05:45.159 she was on the pill for a long time and 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:48.839 she got some she had like a perhaps mirror, and 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:51.359 she got some questionable results that she might have you know, 0:05:51.400 --> 0:05:53.760 like there could be early signs of cervical cancer in there. 0:05:54.040 --> 0:05:56.600 She's like, cool, I've seen these early signs. I don't 0:05:56.600 --> 0:05:58.320 want to be on the pill anymore. But then she 0:05:58.400 --> 0:05:59.880 was like, fuck, I don't want to fall pregnant either. 0:06:00.440 --> 0:06:03.840 She started to think about what options are available. 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:06.240 She's like, why is there not more onus? On the men? 0:06:06.360 --> 0:06:08.160 Now I'm just like hands off to this woman. She's 0:06:08.200 --> 0:06:11.400 really taken things into her own hands. She has developed 0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:16.240 something called a testicle bath. Now a testicle bath is 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:19.040 I mean, I feel like it has multiple and multiple uses, 0:06:19.160 --> 0:06:20.880 Like they actually get to bathe their testicles, which is 0:06:20.880 --> 0:06:21.400 great for them. 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:23.760 But what it does is it's like, and you guys 0:06:23.760 --> 0:06:24.480 should look it up. 0:06:24.640 --> 0:06:28.360 It's like this little cup and the men would sit 0:06:28.480 --> 0:06:31.760 their testicles in it, and it has these ultrasound vibrations 0:06:32.120 --> 0:06:34.320 and now, like I don't know the science behind it, 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:37.760 but what they've said is the ultrasound vibrations you put 0:06:37.760 --> 0:06:40.839 the balls in there and they disrupt. You don't feel anything, like, 0:06:40.839 --> 0:06:43.560 it's not painful, but it disrupts the sperm that is 0:06:43.600 --> 0:06:47.280 in the testicles, which means that the sperm are not active, 0:06:47.360 --> 0:06:49.560 so you cannot have a baby, so you only have 0:06:49.640 --> 0:06:52.280 to bathe the testicle. Then you know that the sperm's 0:06:52.279 --> 0:06:53.560 not going to be active, you can just go and 0:06:53.560 --> 0:06:59.200 have sex. This is absolutely groundbreaking. But my question is 0:06:59.600 --> 0:07:02.240 do you do you trust that a man has done it? 0:07:02.320 --> 0:07:05.200 Because I feel like women are more trustworthy. I feel 0:07:05.200 --> 0:07:06.400 like a guy's like, hey, are you on the pill? 0:07:06.520 --> 0:07:08.600 She's like yeah, and she actually fucking is on the pill. 0:07:08.600 --> 0:07:10.040 But I feel like if you're like, hey, did you 0:07:10.040 --> 0:07:11.960 bathe your testicles four months ago, he was like, yeah, 0:07:12.000 --> 0:07:12.920 sure I bathed them. 0:07:13.160 --> 0:07:17.040 Did you t bag yourself to contraception? Look, I mean 0:07:17.400 --> 0:07:20.880 I think that there's way too much assumptions made, Like 0:07:20.880 --> 0:07:22.760 I think that we bundled too many men into the 0:07:22.760 --> 0:07:25.440 same basket and say that no man would care. There 0:07:25.480 --> 0:07:27.360 are a lot of guys out there who don't want 0:07:27.360 --> 0:07:29.480 to have children. There are a lot of guys out 0:07:29.480 --> 0:07:32.320 there who aren't so irresponsible that if there was an 0:07:32.360 --> 0:07:34.640 option for a male contraception that they would just ignore it. 0:07:34.680 --> 0:07:37.200 I think that there would be a vast, huge number 0:07:37.200 --> 0:07:39.840 of men who actually really don't want to have illegitimate 0:07:39.880 --> 0:07:43.000 children running around the world or you know, unplanned pregnancies. 0:07:43.040 --> 0:07:45.280 Like I think it affects both people. I know that 0:07:45.320 --> 0:07:47.080 Matt would use it. Like the problem that we have 0:07:47.160 --> 0:07:50.120 at the moment is I don't want to be on contraception. 0:07:50.160 --> 0:07:52.520 I've been on contraception since I was fifteen years old, 0:07:53.080 --> 0:07:56.880 and after having Lola and then having Mali and everything 0:07:56.920 --> 0:08:00.120 your body goes through with pregnancy and hormones and breastfeeding, 0:08:00.160 --> 0:08:01.920 and then it just takes your body so long to 0:08:01.920 --> 0:08:04.640 get back to normal. And the option when you're breastfeeding 0:08:04.680 --> 0:08:07.200 is the mini pill, which is like a progesterone only pill. 0:08:07.480 --> 0:08:09.480 And I just kind of said, I don't want anything 0:08:09.680 --> 0:08:12.440 in or to be taken. I just don't want to 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:15.680 be on any contraception. So then we run the risk 0:08:15.760 --> 0:08:18.240 now of getting pregnant, which Brittany is sitting there like, lah, 0:08:18.560 --> 0:08:19.200 don't do it. 0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:21.360 I'm buying you the testical bathroom look. 0:08:21.440 --> 0:08:24.920 And you know what, like in our situation, like I 0:08:25.080 --> 0:08:28.160 trust Matt he would give his testicles a bath for me. 0:08:28.440 --> 0:08:31.520 It's like it's the smallest thing that some guy could do. 0:08:32.000 --> 0:08:34.719 When as a female, the onus is completely on us 0:08:34.760 --> 0:08:37.920 to not get pregnant, to then carry the children, to 0:08:38.000 --> 0:08:40.360 then rear the children, to then breastfeed the children, to. 0:08:40.320 --> 0:08:42.000 Do everything for the rest of your existence. 0:08:42.360 --> 0:08:44.600 I even think for us, and we've spoken about it, 0:08:44.679 --> 0:08:48.360 Matt and I, once we've finished having kids, he will 0:08:48.360 --> 0:08:50.720 probably go and get a vasectomy, and he sees that 0:08:50.800 --> 0:08:53.400 as not a big deal because I'm the one who's 0:08:53.440 --> 0:08:55.800 done everything up until this point. And he's like, I 0:08:55.840 --> 0:08:57.760 also don't want to have, you know, six kids, and 0:08:57.800 --> 0:08:59.320 he's like, I know, if I let it up to you, 0:08:59.320 --> 0:09:00.679 you'd probably would six kids. 0:09:00.760 --> 0:09:02.400 I think the thing to note here is, well, firstly, 0:09:02.480 --> 0:09:04.160 Jordan and I haven't even had kids, and he's already 0:09:04.160 --> 0:09:06.680 said there's no way anyone's coming at his testicles with 0:09:06.800 --> 0:09:08.600 a needle for a visect me. He's like, I'm never 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:10.360 going to have a versecony. So I think for people 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:13.120 like that, this is great. But the important thing to 0:09:13.160 --> 0:09:16.280 note in this is this is probably more suited to 0:09:16.440 --> 0:09:19.960 actual couples and long term partners because obviously, condoms are 0:09:20.000 --> 0:09:22.160 great for the fact that you are not going to 0:09:22.200 --> 0:09:25.680 fall pregnant unless they break, obviously, but secondly, they stop 0:09:25.720 --> 0:09:28.760 the transmission of STIs. So obviously the testical bath doesn't 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:31.760 stop the transmission of STIs. And she has made it 0:09:31.800 --> 0:09:33.480 more She's like, look, I think more people that are 0:09:33.520 --> 0:09:34.880 going to use it are going to be the people 0:09:34.920 --> 0:09:36.840 in relationships. They don't want to use condoms and they 0:09:36.840 --> 0:09:38.520 don't want to be on the pill, and they're trusting 0:09:38.559 --> 0:09:40.040 that their partner's bathing the testicles. 0:09:40.040 --> 0:09:41.760 Well, I mean, every so often there seems to be 0:09:41.840 --> 0:09:44.040 the articles that pop back up on the internet which 0:09:44.080 --> 0:09:47.120 are all around the male contraceptive pill, And it seems 0:09:47.120 --> 0:09:49.160 like every year it kind of gets a new lease 0:09:49.200 --> 0:09:50.960 on life, like you'll see some chatter about it, but 0:09:51.040 --> 0:09:54.520 nothing ever comes into fruition. So back in twenty sixteen, 0:09:54.520 --> 0:09:56.960 that's when they did some big clinical trials around the 0:09:56.960 --> 0:09:59.840 male contraceptive pill, and there was two hundred and fifty 0:09:59.840 --> 0:10:03.000 men who were participants in the pill, the actual pill, 0:10:03.200 --> 0:10:05.680 and the trials were pulled halfway through because of the 0:10:05.920 --> 0:10:09.280 side effects that men were receiving and experiencing whilst being 0:10:09.320 --> 0:10:12.199 on the pill. Now wait for it, ladies, if you're 0:10:12.240 --> 0:10:16.520 listening to this. The side effects included things like hormonal imbalancers, 0:10:16.840 --> 0:10:22.439 mood altering imbalances, headaches. Basically everything that we experience or 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:25.040 can experience when being on the contraceptive pill were the 0:10:25.080 --> 0:10:28.200 same things that males were experiencing. However, the trials were 0:10:28.200 --> 0:10:30.920 pulled because it was deemed that those side effects were 0:10:30.920 --> 0:10:35.120 too extreme for the positive outcomes that a male contraceptive 0:10:35.160 --> 0:10:36.240 pill would provide. 0:10:36.320 --> 0:10:38.880 So basically, these men spent a month in the life 0:10:38.920 --> 0:10:41.320 of a woman's body and they couldn't handle it totally. 0:10:41.400 --> 0:10:43.320 And I think it comes down to it comes down 0:10:43.320 --> 0:10:47.400 to this idea of like contraception has been revolutionary for women, 0:10:47.640 --> 0:10:50.360 Like for us, it has created It's allowed us to 0:10:50.520 --> 0:10:53.160 continue our lives in the workforce, It's allowed us to 0:10:53.200 --> 0:10:56.800 earn more money. It's allowed us to decide when we 0:10:56.840 --> 0:11:00.479 want to have children. It's lowered the number of teen pregnantcies. 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:03.920 Contraception for women, even though it comes with huge side effects, 0:11:04.280 --> 0:11:08.400 has been life changing. And I guess the onus is 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:11.439 that maybe it won't be so life changing for men 0:11:11.760 --> 0:11:13.960 if women are already going to carry that burden. And 0:11:14.000 --> 0:11:15.960 there was one really interesting quote that I read. It 0:11:16.000 --> 0:11:18.160 was from this guy, Alan Pacey, who's a professor of 0:11:18.200 --> 0:11:21.360 andrology at the University of Sheffield, and he says, the 0:11:21.360 --> 0:11:24.439 development of a male contraceptive pill or injection has had 0:11:24.440 --> 0:11:28.480 a checkered history without very much success so far. Unfortunately, 0:11:28.559 --> 0:11:31.679 there has been very little pharmaceutical company interest in bringing 0:11:31.679 --> 0:11:34.160 a male contraceptive pill to life. He then goes on 0:11:34.200 --> 0:11:37.160 to say the main reason for this, I suspect is 0:11:37.160 --> 0:11:39.840 more down to business rather than science totally. 0:11:39.880 --> 0:11:42.520 The Australian Academy of Science came out and said the 0:11:42.520 --> 0:11:45.520 primary barrier in development of the male contraceptive pill is 0:11:45.520 --> 0:11:48.720 that pharmaceutical company is reluctant to invest in developing a 0:11:48.760 --> 0:11:51.800 product that they see low profit and high risk. 0:11:51.880 --> 0:11:53.360 Now, I just want to really reiterate the. 0:11:53.360 --> 0:11:56.280 Low profit there, because imagine if you only had to 0:11:56.320 --> 0:11:58.480 bay your testicles twice a year and that was it. 0:11:58.559 --> 0:12:01.280 Imagine the reduction in the cost of the people spending 0:12:01.280 --> 0:12:03.720 on the pill and other things like that. So, whilst 0:12:03.720 --> 0:12:06.320 this is very close, no men are actually using this yet, 0:12:06.320 --> 0:12:08.800 this is in the development phase. Should I feel like 0:12:09.360 --> 0:12:10.800 it's close and I feel like it's going to be 0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:11.400 life changing. 0:12:11.720 --> 0:12:13.920 And as we said at the start, the huge responsibility 0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:16.400 falls on women. And I think that the reasoning behind 0:12:16.400 --> 0:12:18.640 this is so perfectly summed up in this little quote. 0:12:18.880 --> 0:12:22.559 Though men have an equal responsibility to prevent unwanted pregnancies, 0:12:22.800 --> 0:12:25.760 they don't share an equal responsibility in the consequences of 0:12:25.800 --> 0:12:29.600 those pregnancies. It just shows that without like that barrier shifting, 0:12:29.840 --> 0:12:32.120 then the real push for contraceptive pill for men is 0:12:32.160 --> 0:12:33.520 probably never going to change either. 0:12:33.840 --> 0:12:34.640 But watch this space. 0:12:34.800 --> 0:12:36.720 This is a very exciting time to be alive as 0:12:36.760 --> 0:12:38.760 a woman. This is what I think anyway. All right, 0:12:38.840 --> 0:12:40.840 let's get into the questions that we've chosen for today. 0:12:41.040 --> 0:12:43.160 Britt hit me with question number one. 0:12:43.200 --> 0:12:44.880 Right, he oh, I am going to hear you. 0:12:44.880 --> 0:12:46.560 This is a bit of a longer one, but this 0:12:46.880 --> 0:12:48.640 is I think something that everyone deals with. 0:12:48.640 --> 0:12:50.000 Well, I know not everyone deals with. 0:12:49.920 --> 0:12:52.720 But I think it's more common than not just wanting 0:12:52.760 --> 0:12:56.400 some relationship advice. My previous relationship was with a narcissist. 0:12:56.440 --> 0:12:59.560 It was pretty toxic, with cheating and some super super lows, 0:12:59.720 --> 0:13:02.880 but by god, the highs were high and they were addictive. 0:13:03.200 --> 0:13:05.560 It was such an intense relationship with what I now 0:13:05.679 --> 0:13:08.600 recognize as love bombing and a lot of other classic 0:13:08.760 --> 0:13:12.199 narcissistic traits. I would receive I'm talking one hundred messages 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:13.040 and phone calls a day. 0:13:13.160 --> 0:13:14.160 Girl, I have been there. 0:13:14.520 --> 0:13:16.880 The attention in the thrill of it was so toxic. 0:13:16.960 --> 0:13:19.959 The sex was addictive. It did not end on good terms, 0:13:19.960 --> 0:13:21.600 and he left me for a woman that he had 0:13:21.640 --> 0:13:24.480 been cheating on me with. Yikes, Yeah, I know, But 0:13:24.600 --> 0:13:27.199 I have now met an absolutely incredible man. 0:13:27.240 --> 0:13:29.360 He is everything that I want. He's someone that. 0:13:29.320 --> 0:13:31.600 I really want to have a relationship with, a real, 0:13:31.760 --> 0:13:33.320 genuine love that has. 0:13:33.200 --> 0:13:36.559 This constant calm to it. But coming from a previous 0:13:36.559 --> 0:13:39.880 relationship that was so toxic with rollercoaster of highs and lows, 0:13:40.200 --> 0:13:42.680 I just can't help feel almost and I hate to 0:13:42.760 --> 0:13:46.520 say it, but boredom in this relationship Is this normal 0:13:46.600 --> 0:13:47.960 after toxic relationship? 0:13:48.200 --> 0:13:50.120 Because of the relationship itself. 0:13:49.720 --> 0:13:51.960 Isn't boring, It's fun and we have passion. He makes 0:13:52.000 --> 0:13:54.200 me laugh so much, we literally laugh all the time. 0:13:54.480 --> 0:13:57.079 I have one hundred percent trust in him. I feel 0:13:57.120 --> 0:14:00.960 completely secure and completely adored. A little bit older than me, 0:14:01.440 --> 0:14:03.959 isn't into social media. He'd prefer to call me during 0:14:04.000 --> 0:14:06.680 the day instead of texting a hundred times. I missed 0:14:06.679 --> 0:14:08.840 the attention that my toxic X gave me, and I 0:14:08.840 --> 0:14:11.880 guess I'm just wondering, how does someone move on with 0:14:12.000 --> 0:14:15.320 the constant of a normal, healthy relationship after one of 0:14:15.360 --> 0:14:18.880 these hectic, confusion, toxic relationships. How do I know if 0:14:18.880 --> 0:14:20.000 it's boredom or if it's right. 0:14:21.040 --> 0:14:23.160 That was a long one, but I feel like it 0:14:23.200 --> 0:14:24.840 was all like, I feel like we needed. 0:14:24.600 --> 0:14:25.880 All those parts to the question. 0:14:26.120 --> 0:14:27.760 There was a lot of parts. Where do we start? 0:14:27.800 --> 0:14:30.280 How do we unpack this? Therapy is always a good 0:14:30.320 --> 0:14:31.120 place to start. 0:14:31.400 --> 0:14:34.080 Yeah, here's the number for a relationship rams No, I 0:14:34.120 --> 0:14:36.120 think that, I mean, this is normal. What your feeling 0:14:36.200 --> 0:14:38.160 is so normal, Like it is when you're in a 0:14:38.200 --> 0:14:41.680 toxic relationship, those feelings of highs and lows, they are 0:14:41.720 --> 0:14:42.880 addictive and like you. 0:14:42.880 --> 0:14:44.960 Use the word addictive the feeling. 0:14:45.080 --> 0:14:49.000 People cough often mistake these feelings for passion, and I 0:14:49.040 --> 0:14:51.360 think that that's a really really good word. They think 0:14:51.400 --> 0:14:54.320 that the fights and the abuse and the yelling and 0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:57.000 the love bombing, that it's passion and there's so much 0:14:57.120 --> 0:15:00.280 love and intensity in the relationship, but really it is 0:15:00.320 --> 0:15:01.640 super super unhealthy. 0:15:02.080 --> 0:15:04.720 Well, we've done a whole episode on like dating a narcissist, 0:15:04.880 --> 0:15:08.000 and I know, Britt, you have experienced it, and I 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:11.240 have experienced it, and anybody who's listening to this that's 0:15:11.280 --> 0:15:15.120 experienced when you're dating someone and you're constantly texting all 0:15:15.160 --> 0:15:18.120 the time, but the relationship itself is kind of unhealthy 0:15:18.360 --> 0:15:21.160 and you're receiving like it sounds crazy to receive a 0:15:21.280 --> 0:15:23.560 hundred text messages a day, but it happens, you know, Like, 0:15:23.760 --> 0:15:25.880 I think so many of us have had relationships where 0:15:26.160 --> 0:15:30.000 you are just so intertwined in each other's lives, especially 0:15:30.040 --> 0:15:33.120 at that beginning part, that love bombing stage. That is 0:15:33.160 --> 0:15:36.080 what makes it so addictive. And then when you don't 0:15:36.080 --> 0:15:38.760 have that at all anymore, it's so normal to miss it. 0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:41.240 It's so normal to feel like, wow, what do I 0:15:41.240 --> 0:15:43.560 do with myself? Because for the longest time, or for 0:15:43.600 --> 0:15:45.800 however long you were dating that guy, the moments that 0:15:45.840 --> 0:15:47.400 you had on your own, the moments where you would 0:15:47.400 --> 0:15:49.520 just sit at a cafe or you would be at 0:15:49.560 --> 0:15:52.400 work but not necessarily engaged with what's happening, You would 0:15:52.400 --> 0:15:54.680 be texting, you would have something else to occupy you. 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:57.480 And now all of a sudden, that is completely gone. 0:15:57.880 --> 0:15:59.440 I guess one of the big things is is like, 0:15:59.560 --> 0:16:02.120 don't be so hard on yourself if you're someone who's 0:16:02.160 --> 0:16:04.600 experiencing this. If you're in a good relationship and you 0:16:04.600 --> 0:16:07.600 can identify that it's a good relationship, but you also 0:16:07.640 --> 0:16:11.600 can identify that you were in a toxic relationship, don't 0:16:11.640 --> 0:16:13.760 be so hard on yourself that there are elements of 0:16:13.760 --> 0:16:16.880 it that you miss or that you still think about, 0:16:17.400 --> 0:16:20.360 because it takes a really long time to break down 0:16:20.400 --> 0:16:23.280 those bonds and to break down those sort of neurological 0:16:23.320 --> 0:16:26.120 pathways that bind you to that person, and that trauma 0:16:26.200 --> 0:16:30.520 in itself is addictive. Drama, the fucking drama. It's so addictive. 0:16:30.680 --> 0:16:32.680 And I think sometimes when you can go from really 0:16:32.760 --> 0:16:36.240 drama filled relationships where you had that intensity to having 0:16:36.360 --> 0:16:39.440 super lows but the super highs, when you get into 0:16:39.480 --> 0:16:42.800 a normal relationship, you're like, oh, is this it forever? 0:16:43.480 --> 0:16:46.160 Even sometimes I know of people who will pick fights 0:16:46.240 --> 0:16:49.360 because they're so used to having the drama. But I 0:16:49.360 --> 0:16:50.880 think the good thing in this, and the good thing 0:16:50.880 --> 0:16:53.560 with the person who's asked the question, is the fact 0:16:53.600 --> 0:16:57.320 that you can identify, You can say this is good, 0:16:57.400 --> 0:16:59.080 and I know it's normal, and I know that it's 0:16:59.080 --> 0:17:00.920 a healthy relationship, and I know the one that I 0:17:01.000 --> 0:17:04.520 came from wasn't. I think in time, the fond memories 0:17:04.640 --> 0:17:08.280 around the toxic relationship, the feelings of attachment to that 0:17:08.320 --> 0:17:11.600 relationship will subside. And I know it's that annoying saying 0:17:11.600 --> 0:17:14.080 that time heals all, but it really really does. You're 0:17:14.119 --> 0:17:15.240 not going to feel like this forever. 0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:18.399 This guy honestly sounds like a real catch. He sounds 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:20.080 very normal, He sounds very loving. 0:17:20.280 --> 0:17:21.960 I thought you meant the other guy. Yeah, like of 0:17:22.040 --> 0:17:24.600 catch cheating on you and then leaving you for someoney, 0:17:24.640 --> 0:17:27.480 cheated on you for still chasing those red flags. Amazing guy. 0:17:28.040 --> 0:17:30.720 No, the new guy, he sounds like a unicorn. He 0:17:30.800 --> 0:17:32.920 sounds very, very normal. And you've said. 0:17:33.240 --> 0:17:35.600 One thing that's jumped out at me is you said 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:37.920