Speaker 1: Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life
Speaker 1: on Pard. I'm Brittany and I'm Laura, and this is
Speaker 1: our Thursday episode. In case you're wondering, it's out, down
Speaker 1: and dirty and sexy little episode where we answer your deep,
Speaker 1: dark and burning questions. And thank you to everybody who
Speaker 1: are sent in questions for today's episode. We have like
Speaker 1: always received so many and I reckon, we've got some
Speaker 1: really good ones today.
Speaker 2: And whilst we're saying now thank you, is thank you
Speaker 2: to our sponsor for this week, which is Durmavine. Now
Speaker 2: Deermovine is an insane moisturizer so good that I ordered
Speaker 2: it into my quarantines. It is amazing for dry and
Speaker 2: itchy skin.
Speaker 3: But Laura, we.
Speaker 2: Are so close to being back together physically. I can
Speaker 2: almost reach through the screen and touch you.
Speaker 1: Okay, So we're recording this on Wednesday. Actually, there's so
Speaker 1: much happening. By the time this episode comes out on Thursday,
Speaker 1: Melbourne will be out of lockdown, the Bachelorette would have started,
Speaker 1: and Brittany Hockley will be back here in Sydney in
Speaker 1: BONDI probably doing the exact same thing that she was
Speaker 1: doing before. She left, which is sitting in my bedroom
Speaker 1: in her underwear, recording the podcast.
Speaker 2: What has been going on, Laura, What have you got
Speaker 2: from me this week? Tell me something exciting has happened?
Speaker 1: I have absolutely nothing at all, Like I wish I
Speaker 1: could come.
Speaker 3: You're like, I'm still essentially in lockdown.
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna live people. I'm not gonna pretend
Speaker 1: like my life is anything that's interesting. I guess the
Speaker 1: only thing that has been happening in my life lately
Speaker 1: is it's all kid related. So Lola has just started daycare.
Speaker 1: She is going one day of daycare a week at
Speaker 1: the moment, which is a Monday, and it is I mean,
Speaker 1: if you guys been following the podcast for a while,
Speaker 1: you might remember back when Marley started daycare. She was
Speaker 1: a little bit older. I think Molly started daycare when
Speaker 1: she was around one year old.
Speaker 3: And you had like a breakdown. You're like, I can't
Speaker 3: take her.
Speaker 1: I remember, and I was like, you'll be fine, Laura,
Speaker 1: and drop the girl and daycare. I was like crying
Speaker 1: on the podcast because I had dropped her at daycare
Speaker 1: and I had just such guilt. It was so hard,
Speaker 1: and I think because she was one year old. She
Speaker 1: just knew a little bit more about what was happening
Speaker 1: around her, so she would stand there screaming and being
Speaker 1: like mummy, mummy, and then ah, just it's the worst.
Speaker 1: Any mum who's had to go through taking their kid
Speaker 1: and adjusting to the first time in daycare knows exactly
Speaker 1: that feeling. But Lola has started daycare. Lola started two
Speaker 1: weeks ago. She's doing one day a week. And Lola
Speaker 1: started at two weeks old.
Speaker 3: I couldn't wait to get her there.
Speaker 1: I dropped her off. I didn't cry. It's very different
Speaker 1: with the second child. It's not surprising to me anymore.
Speaker 1: Why everyone says like that you have second child or
Speaker 1: middle child syndrome. But she's eight months. She's not ten months.
Speaker 1: She's eight months. Not only one day a week. She
Speaker 1: goes to the same daycare that Molly's at, so they're
Speaker 1: together all the time. I didn't have the same level
Speaker 1: of guilt or fear or sadness that I had the
Speaker 1: first time round, obviously, because now I had this real
Speaker 1: connection with the daycare and the women who work there,
Speaker 1: and you know, I really trust them as carers. But
Speaker 1: it's just so different. Everything is so different. With the
Speaker 1: second kid, they're resilient.
Speaker 3: You wait too, you have a third one should be
Speaker 3: straight out of the womb.
Speaker 1: And then there's Molly. Molly she's a toddler, and toddler's
Speaker 1: find the most interesting and wild ways to offend you
Speaker 1: on the daily. So it started off start off with
Speaker 1: just her pointing at my forehead, just pointing, and then
Speaker 1: she would just hold her finger on like any little
Speaker 1: mark or imperfection, or when I say little mark or
Speaker 1: my malasma, she would like, draw a line around my
Speaker 1: pigmentation or my forehead.
Speaker 3: You're like, yes, sweetheart, I know it's there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's there. I can see. And then yesterday she
Speaker 1: was like, I want to do drawings. And I was like,
Speaker 1: what do you mean you want to do drawings? And
Speaker 1: she's like, on my face? And I was like, you
Speaker 1: can't do drawings on your face. Is eight am in
Speaker 1: the morning. You're going to daycare. And she was like,
Speaker 1: why does mommy have drawings on her face?
Speaker 3: Is she talking about the malasma?
Speaker 1: I know she's talking about my wrinkles. So now she's
Speaker 1: upset that she can't have drawings because Mommy drew on
Speaker 1: her face. That's why that's what they are anyway? Kids
Speaker 1: are kids are mean?
Speaker 2: You're like because mummy hasn't had botox for a while.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because all of the clinics have been closed. But
Speaker 1: I would love to know if anybody else out there
Speaker 1: were so many mums he slid into my dms. Please
Speaker 1: send us what absolutely wild stuff your toddlers have said
Speaker 1: to you. I live for this. I will share it
Speaker 1: with all the other mum listeners who listen to this
Speaker 1: podcast because I know that there is a few of
Speaker 1: us toddler's wild. The second kids are resilient, and I
Speaker 1: cannot wait to see what the third one's going to be. Like, Well,
Speaker 1: what kid's going to be tough the third day?
Speaker 3: It's not coming for a little while.
Speaker 1: I love that I'm putting these restrictions. See, actually, that
Speaker 1: is really interesting.
Speaker 2: I wanted to tell you about something, and I think
Speaker 2: maybe that you could pass this information onto Matt because
Speaker 2: I think that you're gonna need it. I was just
Speaker 2: reading something about Now, look, we know that the onus
Speaker 2: of contraception falls on women, like we've got the IUDs
Speaker 2: it's up to us to make the men put on
Speaker 2: the condom, because I never bloody want to. We have
Speaker 2: to take the pill every day of our life. We
Speaker 2: get all the repercussions from it, and I feel like
Speaker 2: it's always just been expected that women, I don't want
Speaker 2: to say carry the burden, but I guess it is
Speaker 2: a burden to ensure that you don't feel pregnant if
Speaker 2: you don't want it. So we have the onus and
Speaker 2: the responsibility.
Speaker 1: Well, I think there's also this perception, and I know
Speaker 1: where this is going, but there's always this perception that
Speaker 1: most men won't take control over their own contraception, or
Speaker 1: that men can't be trusted to take control. And maybe
Speaker 1: that maybe that is true in like a casual dating setting,
Speaker 1: but it's not necessarily true when you're in a committed
Speaker 1: relationship with your partner. Well, there is this new ground
Speaker 1: breaking research from a very young woman.
Speaker 2: Her name is Rebecca Weis. She's an industrial design graduate
Speaker 2: from the University of Munich and she's just won this
Speaker 2: huge prize. It's basically, I guess, an invention prize where
Speaker 2: she gets funding to develop this IDEA long story short,
Speaker 2: she was on the pill for a long time and
Speaker 2: she got some she had like a perhaps mirror, and
Speaker 2: she got some questionable results that she might have you know,
Speaker 2: like there could be early signs of cervical cancer in there.
Speaker 2: She's like, cool, I've seen these early signs. I don't
Speaker 2: want to be on the pill anymore. But then she
Speaker 2: was like, fuck, I don't want to fall pregnant either.
Speaker 2: She started to think about what options are available.
Speaker 3: She's like, why is there not more onus? On the men?
Speaker 2: Now I'm just like hands off to this woman. She's
Speaker 2: really taken things into her own hands. She has developed
Speaker 2: something called a testicle bath. Now a testicle bath is
Speaker 2: I mean, I feel like it has multiple and multiple uses,
Speaker 2: Like they actually get to bathe their testicles, which is
Speaker 2: great for them.
Speaker 3: But what it does is it's like, and you guys
Speaker 3: should look it up.
Speaker 2: It's like this little cup and the men would sit
Speaker 2: their testicles in it, and it has these ultrasound vibrations
Speaker 2: and now, like I don't know the science behind it,
Speaker 2: but what they've said is the ultrasound vibrations you put
Speaker 2: the balls in there and they disrupt. You don't feel anything, like,
Speaker 2: it's not painful, but it disrupts the sperm that is
Speaker 2: in the testicles, which means that the sperm are not active,
Speaker 2: so you cannot have a baby, so you only have
Speaker 2: to bathe the testicle. Then you know that the sperm's
Speaker 2: not going to be active, you can just go and
Speaker 2: have sex. This is absolutely groundbreaking. But my question is
Speaker 2: do you do you trust that a man has done it?
Speaker 2: Because I feel like women are more trustworthy. I feel
Speaker 2: like a guy's like, hey, are you on the pill?
Speaker 2: She's like yeah, and she actually fucking is on the pill.
Speaker 2: But I feel like if you're like, hey, did you
Speaker 2: bathe your testicles four months ago, he was like, yeah,
Speaker 2: sure I bathed them.
Speaker 1: Did you t bag yourself to contraception? Look, I mean
Speaker 1: I think that there's way too much assumptions made, Like
Speaker 1: I think that we bundled too many men into the
Speaker 1: same basket and say that no man would care. There
Speaker 1: are a lot of guys out there who don't want
Speaker 1: to have children. There are a lot of guys out
Speaker 1: there who aren't so irresponsible that if there was an
Speaker 1: option for a male contraception that they would just ignore it.
Speaker 1: I think that there would be a vast, huge number
Speaker 1: of men who actually really don't want to have illegitimate
Speaker 1: children running around the world or you know, unplanned pregnancies.
Speaker 1: Like I think it affects both people. I know that
Speaker 1: Matt would use it. Like the problem that we have
Speaker 1: at the moment is I don't want to be on contraception.
Speaker 1: I've been on contraception since I was fifteen years old,
Speaker 1: and after having Lola and then having Mali and everything
Speaker 1: your body goes through with pregnancy and hormones and breastfeeding,
Speaker 1: and then it just takes your body so long to
Speaker 1: get back to normal. And the option when you're breastfeeding
Speaker 1: is the mini pill, which is like a progesterone only pill.
Speaker 1: And I just kind of said, I don't want anything
Speaker 1: in or to be taken. I just don't want to
Speaker 1: be on any contraception. So then we run the risk
Speaker 1: now of getting pregnant, which Brittany is sitting there like, lah,
Speaker 1: don't do it.
Speaker 3: I'm buying you the testical bathroom look.
Speaker 1: And you know what, like in our situation, like I
Speaker 1: trust Matt he would give his testicles a bath for me.
Speaker 1: It's like it's the smallest thing that some guy could do.
Speaker 1: When as a female, the onus is completely on us
Speaker 1: to not get pregnant, to then carry the children, to
Speaker 1: then rear the children, to then breastfeed the children, to.
Speaker 3: Do everything for the rest of your existence.
Speaker 1: I even think for us, and we've spoken about it,
Speaker 1: Matt and I, once we've finished having kids, he will
Speaker 1: probably go and get a vasectomy, and he sees that
Speaker 1: as not a big deal because I'm the one who's
Speaker 1: done everything up until this point. And he's like, I
Speaker 1: also don't want to have, you know, six kids, and
Speaker 1: he's like, I know, if I let it up to you,
Speaker 1: you'd probably would six kids.
Speaker 2: I think the thing to note here is, well, firstly,
Speaker 2: Jordan and I haven't even had kids, and he's already
Speaker 2: said there's no way anyone's coming at his testicles with
Speaker 2: a needle for a visect me. He's like, I'm never
Speaker 2: going to have a versecony. So I think for people
Speaker 2: like that, this is great. But the important thing to
Speaker 2: note in this is this is probably more suited to
Speaker 2: actual couples and long term partners because obviously, condoms are
Speaker 2: great for the fact that you are not going to
Speaker 2: fall pregnant unless they break, obviously, but secondly, they stop
Speaker 2: the transmission of STIs. So obviously the testical bath doesn't
Speaker 2: stop the transmission of STIs. And she has made it
Speaker 2: more She's like, look, I think more people that are
Speaker 2: going to use it are going to be the people
Speaker 2: in relationships. They don't want to use condoms and they
Speaker 2: don't want to be on the pill, and they're trusting
Speaker 2: that their partner's bathing the testicles.
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, every so often there seems to be
Speaker 1: the articles that pop back up on the internet which
Speaker 1: are all around the male contraceptive pill, And it seems
Speaker 1: like every year it kind of gets a new lease
Speaker 1: on life, like you'll see some chatter about it, but
Speaker 1: nothing ever comes into fruition. So back in twenty sixteen,
Speaker 1: that's when they did some big clinical trials around the
Speaker 1: male contraceptive pill, and there was two hundred and fifty
Speaker 1: men who were participants in the pill, the actual pill,
Speaker 1: and the trials were pulled halfway through because of the
Speaker 1: side effects that men were receiving and experiencing whilst being
Speaker 1: on the pill. Now wait for it, ladies, if you're
Speaker 1: listening to this. The side effects included things like hormonal imbalancers,
Speaker 1: mood altering imbalances, headaches. Basically everything that we experience or
Speaker 1: can experience when being on the contraceptive pill were the
Speaker 1: same things that males were experiencing. However, the trials were
Speaker 1: pulled because it was deemed that those side effects were
Speaker 1: too extreme for the positive outcomes that a male contraceptive
Speaker 1: pill would provide.
Speaker 2: So basically, these men spent a month in the life
Speaker 2: of a woman's body and they couldn't handle it totally.
Speaker 1: And I think it comes down to it comes down
Speaker 1: to this idea of like contraception has been revolutionary for women,
Speaker 1: Like for us, it has created It's allowed us to
Speaker 1: continue our lives in the workforce, It's allowed us to
Speaker 1: earn more money. It's allowed us to decide when we
Speaker 1: want to have children. It's lowered the number of teen pregnantcies.
Speaker 1: Contraception for women, even though it comes with huge side effects,
Speaker 1: has been life changing. And I guess the onus is
Speaker 1: that maybe it won't be so life changing for men
Speaker 1: if women are already going to carry that burden. And
Speaker 1: there was one really interesting quote that I read. It
Speaker 1: was from this guy, Alan Pacey, who's a professor of
Speaker 1: andrology at the University of Sheffield, and he says, the
Speaker 1: development of a male contraceptive pill or injection has had
Speaker 1: a checkered history without very much success so far. Unfortunately,
Speaker 1: there has been very little pharmaceutical company interest in bringing
Speaker 1: a male contraceptive pill to life. He then goes on
Speaker 1: to say the main reason for this, I suspect is
Speaker 1: more down to business rather than science totally.
Speaker 2: The Australian Academy of Science came out and said the
Speaker 2: primary barrier in development of the male contraceptive pill is
Speaker 2: that pharmaceutical company is reluctant to invest in developing a
Speaker 2: product that they see low profit and high risk.
Speaker 3: Now, I just want to really reiterate the.
Speaker 2: Low profit there, because imagine if you only had to
Speaker 2: bay your testicles twice a year and that was it.
Speaker 2: Imagine the reduction in the cost of the people spending
Speaker 2: on the pill and other things like that. So, whilst
Speaker 2: this is very close, no men are actually using this yet,
Speaker 2: this is in the development phase. Should I feel like
Speaker 2: it's close and I feel like it's going to be
Speaker 2: life changing.
Speaker 1: And as we said at the start, the huge responsibility
Speaker 1: falls on women. And I think that the reasoning behind
Speaker 1: this is so perfectly summed up in this little quote.
Speaker 1: Though men have an equal responsibility to prevent unwanted pregnancies,
Speaker 1: they don't share an equal responsibility in the consequences of
Speaker 1: those pregnancies. It just shows that without like that barrier shifting,
Speaker 1: then the real push for contraceptive pill for men is
Speaker 1: probably never going to change either.
Speaker 3: But watch this space.
Speaker 1: This is a very exciting time to be alive as
Speaker 1: a woman. This is what I think anyway. All right,
Speaker 1: let's get into the questions that we've chosen for today.
Speaker 1: Britt hit me with question number one.
Speaker 3: Right, he oh, I am going to hear you.
Speaker 1: This is a bit of a longer one, but this
Speaker 1: is I think something that everyone deals with.
Speaker 3: Well, I know not everyone deals with.
Speaker 2: But I think it's more common than not just wanting
Speaker 2: some relationship advice. My previous relationship was with a narcissist.
Speaker 2: It was pretty toxic, with cheating and some super super lows,
Speaker 2: but by god, the highs were high and they were addictive.
Speaker 2: It was such an intense relationship with what I now
Speaker 2: recognize as love bombing and a lot of other classic
Speaker 2: narcissistic traits. I would receive I'm talking one hundred messages
Speaker 2: and phone calls a day.
Speaker 3: Girl, I have been there.
Speaker 2: The attention in the thrill of it was so toxic.
Speaker 2: The sex was addictive. It did not end on good terms,
Speaker 2: and he left me for a woman that he had
Speaker 2: been cheating on me with. Yikes, Yeah, I know, But
Speaker 2: I have now met an absolutely incredible man.
Speaker 3: He is everything that I want. He's someone that.
Speaker 1: I really want to have a relationship with, a real,
Speaker 1: genuine love that has.
Speaker 2: This constant calm to it. But coming from a previous
Speaker 2: relationship that was so toxic with rollercoaster of highs and lows,
Speaker 2: I just can't help feel almost and I hate to
Speaker 2: say it, but boredom in this relationship Is this normal
Speaker 2: after toxic relationship?
Speaker 3: Because of the relationship itself.
Speaker 1: Isn't boring, It's fun and we have passion. He makes
Speaker 1: me laugh so much, we literally laugh all the time.
Speaker 1: I have one hundred percent trust in him. I feel
Speaker 1: completely secure and completely adored. A little bit older than me,
Speaker 1: isn't into social media. He'd prefer to call me during
Speaker 1: the day instead of texting a hundred times. I missed
Speaker 1: the attention that my toxic X gave me, and I
Speaker 1: guess I'm just wondering, how does someone move on with
Speaker 1: the constant of a normal, healthy relationship after one of
Speaker 1: these hectic, confusion, toxic relationships. How do I know if
Speaker 1: it's boredom or if it's right.
Speaker 2: That was a long one, but I feel like it
Speaker 2: was all like, I feel like we needed.
Speaker 3: All those parts to the question.
Speaker 1: There was a lot of parts. Where do we start?
Speaker 1: How do we unpack this? Therapy is always a good
Speaker 1: place to start.
Speaker 2: Yeah, here's the number for a relationship rams No, I
Speaker 2: think that, I mean, this is normal. What your feeling
Speaker 2: is so normal, Like it is when you're in a
Speaker 2: toxic relationship, those feelings of highs and lows, they are
Speaker 2: addictive and like you.
Speaker 3: Use the word addictive the feeling.
Speaker 2: People cough often mistake these feelings for passion, and I
Speaker 2: think that that's a really really good word. They think
Speaker 2: that the fights and the abuse and the yelling and
Speaker 2: the love bombing, that it's passion and there's so much
Speaker 2: love and intensity in the relationship, but really it is
Speaker 2: super super unhealthy.
Speaker 1: Well, we've done a whole episode on like dating a narcissist,
Speaker 1: and I know, Britt, you have experienced it, and I
Speaker 1: have experienced it, and anybody who's listening to this that's
Speaker 1: experienced when you're dating someone and you're constantly texting all
Speaker 1: the time, but the relationship itself is kind of unhealthy
Speaker 1: and you're receiving like it sounds crazy to receive a
Speaker 1: hundred text messages a day, but it happens, you know, Like,
Speaker 1: I think so many of us have had relationships where
Speaker 1: you are just so intertwined in each other's lives, especially
Speaker 1: at that beginning part, that love bombing stage. That is
Speaker 1: what makes it so addictive. And then when you don't
Speaker 1: have that at all anymore, it's so normal to miss it.
Speaker 1: It's so normal to feel like, wow, what do I
Speaker 1: do with myself? Because for the longest time, or for
Speaker 1: however long you were dating that guy, the moments that
Speaker 1: you had on your own, the moments where you would
Speaker 1: just sit at a cafe or you would be at
Speaker 1: work but not necessarily engaged with what's happening, You would
Speaker 1: be texting, you would have something else to occupy you.
Speaker 1: And now all of a sudden, that is completely gone.
Speaker 1: I guess one of the big things is is like,
Speaker 1: don't be so hard on yourself if you're someone who's
Speaker 1: experiencing this. If you're in a good relationship and you
Speaker 1: can identify that it's a good relationship, but you also
Speaker 1: can identify that you were in a toxic relationship, don't
Speaker 1: be so hard on yourself that there are elements of
Speaker 1: it that you miss or that you still think about,
Speaker 1: because it takes a really long time to break down
Speaker 1: those bonds and to break down those sort of neurological
Speaker 1: pathways that bind you to that person, and that trauma
Speaker 1: in itself is addictive. Drama, the fucking drama. It's so addictive.
Speaker 1: And I think sometimes when you can go from really
Speaker 1: drama filled relationships where you had that intensity to having
Speaker 1: super lows but the super highs, when you get into
Speaker 1: a normal relationship, you're like, oh, is this it forever?
Speaker 1: Even sometimes I know of people who will pick fights
Speaker 1: because they're so used to having the drama. But I
Speaker 1: think the good thing in this, and the good thing
Speaker 1: with the person who's asked the question, is the fact
Speaker 1: that you can identify, You can say this is good,
Speaker 1: and I know it's normal, and I know that it's
Speaker 1: a healthy relationship, and I know the one that I
Speaker 1: came from wasn't. I think in time, the fond memories
Speaker 1: around the toxic relationship, the feelings of attachment to that
Speaker 1: relationship will subside. And I know it's that annoying saying
Speaker 1: that time heals all, but it really really does. You're
Speaker 1: not going to feel like this forever.
Speaker 2: This guy honestly sounds like a real catch. He sounds
Speaker 2: very normal, He sounds very loving.
Speaker 1: I thought you meant the other guy. Yeah, like of
Speaker 1: catch cheating on you and then leaving you for someoney,
Speaker 1: cheated on you for still chasing those red flags. Amazing guy.
Speaker 3: No, the new guy, he sounds like a unicorn. He
Speaker 3: sounds very, very normal. And you've said.
Speaker 2: One thing that's jumped out at me is you said
Speaker 2: he the problem is he's a bit older than me
Speaker 2: and he doesn't really like social media. I mean, bingo,
Speaker 2: How great is that you've said that you trust him,
Speaker 2: which is the number one thing in a relationship, especially
Speaker 2: when you come from a relationship full of cheating and lies.
Speaker 2: I think the one thing that I want to drive
Speaker 2: home in this is a relationship shouldn't be boring.
Speaker 1: Now you've used the word boring. It shouldn't be boring
Speaker 1: when you're together. You shouldn't be bored. You shouldn't be
Speaker 1: thinking of someone else. You shouldn't be like, oh, like,
Speaker 1: is this really the person I want to be with?
Speaker 1: We have nothing in common.
Speaker 2: If it's only boring because you're not having the arguments
Speaker 2: and the fights and you're not having the anxiety on
Speaker 2: if they're cheating on you, then yeah, like you need
Speaker 2: to move past that and just really embrace this new relationship.
Speaker 2: But if it's if you're physically hanging out and you're like, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm fucking bored, then the relationship is not for you.
Speaker 1: So you need to make it doesn't matter how nice
Speaker 1: the guy is, it's just not the guy.
Speaker 2: If he's like a wet cardboard box, and yeah, you
Speaker 2: need to get out of it. So you figure out
Speaker 2: the reason that you're bored when you're together. If it's amazing,
Speaker 2: you need to realize this is absolutely normal and this
Speaker 2: is the sort of relationship.
Speaker 3: You want for long term.
Speaker 1: Absolutely But I think so many of us when you've
Speaker 1: gone from this toxicity, and I speak for myself, but
Speaker 1: I think that other people would have experienced this as well.
Speaker 1: It's not that new relationships that are stable and healthy
Speaker 1: or boring. Like you've said, you become addicted to the intensity,
Speaker 1: and you also become addicted to the self validation or
Speaker 1: like having somebody who promises the world. Because the thing
Speaker 1: is is when you're in narcissistic relationships, the grandiose promises,
Speaker 1: the big like almost fantastical promises of what your future
Speaker 1: is going to be is so beautiful, And it's that
Speaker 1: that we kind of get sucked into. We get sucked
Speaker 1: into the fantasy of what the relationship could be, and
Speaker 1: we believe it. We buy in. We fully subscribe to
Speaker 1: what the relationship potential, but not to what the relationship
Speaker 1: actually is. So when you sit there and you unpack
Speaker 1: what it is that you have now in a very normal,
Speaker 1: stable relationship, it doesn't have the fantastical element to it.
Speaker 1: It doesn't have the grandiosity that you know a toxic
Speaker 1: relationship has. And that's because it's normal, it's reliable, it's stable.
Speaker 1: And I do think that sometimes our memories shift and
Speaker 1: the way that we perceive past relationships, it can kind
Speaker 1: of mislead us and betray us a little bit. Like
Speaker 1: we remember the good times, we don't necessarily remember all
Speaker 1: the bad times, and our memory says, oh, like, it
Speaker 1: wasn't that bit so nice, And then we can kind
Speaker 1: of get taken down the garden path rehab and reliving
Speaker 1: and remembering the parts of a relationship that we loved
Speaker 1: without actually fully realizing that there was some fundamental reasons
Speaker 1: why we left that relationship. I think in totality, it's
Speaker 1: okay to feel the feelings that you feel. It's okay
Speaker 1: to sometimes miss your toxic X, but it's really important
Speaker 1: to identify why you're not fucking with them anymore.
Speaker 3: Yeah, one hundred percent.
Speaker 2: It's so easy for us to forget every shit thing
Speaker 2: that happened, and we hold onto those little great moments
Speaker 2: so that that are like a fantasy. They're like a
Speaker 2: fairy tale, but they're not real. Your brain doesn't remember
Speaker 2: those moments accurately, So I think that's super important to remember.
Speaker 2: And the last thing is and I promise this is
Speaker 2: the last thing. In addition, and another thing, I feel
Speaker 2: like just because the more you talk, the more you
Speaker 2: think back, you think deeper into the question, and the
Speaker 2: more you associate it back to your own relationship. And
Speaker 2: then you're like, fuck, I want to put that point
Speaker 2: in two good, so good totally.
Speaker 1: It's like we're playing a game of chicken.
Speaker 3: Though, okay, we will finish it.
Speaker 1: This.
Speaker 2: In addition, you said you're bored, but it takes two
Speaker 2: to tango. And I can't stress this enough. We talk
Speaker 2: about this all the time, but you're in this relationship
Speaker 2: too you're in control of what this relationship is and
Speaker 2: what you guys do and bring to the table. If
Speaker 2: you think that it's a bit boring, ask yourself, what
Speaker 2: have you done? What have you done to help the situation.
Speaker 2: There's no reason you can't spice things up. There's no
Speaker 2: reason you can't make things more exciting. You've said that
Speaker 2: your current amazing boyfriend doesn't really text you much during
Speaker 2: the day and it just gets a call and you
Speaker 2: miss that. Send him a send him a sexy photo
Speaker 2: throughout the day, do something like that where he's a
Speaker 2: he's not used to it. It's going to throw him off,
Speaker 2: but he's going to be like, holy shit, this is exciting.
Speaker 2: No men ever, no man ever.
Speaker 1: Is going to hate receiving a sexy text message in
Speaker 1: the day, like it's just not a thing.
Speaker 3: So I think it's really important you know that.
Speaker 1: I send really sexy text messages to Matt, like, hey,
Speaker 1: can you make sure you take the washing out and
Speaker 1: put it on the line. Oh, what time did Leela
Speaker 1: go to bed?
Speaker 3: I tried to send one yesterday. Why I didn't try,
Speaker 3: I did it.
Speaker 1: I sent a sexy text because we're back to long
Speaker 1: distance now. I sent a sexy text and I got
Speaker 1: a text back that was like I think it said,
Speaker 1: hey sexy, sorry, really busy right now. And I was like, cute,
Speaker 1: that just like didn't land well.
Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, I love that. I was like,
Speaker 2: I'm about to go on the court or something. He's
Speaker 2: about to play match, and I'm like, yeah, that just
Speaker 2: wasn't didn't have the effect I thought would.
Speaker 1: Also, I love that your advice was just like, hey,
Speaker 1: send us sexy text message. It's never not met with
Speaker 1: great response, and you're like, ohway someone yesterday and Jordan
Speaker 1: was like, I'm too busy for you and you're a
Speaker 1: bikini shoan.
Speaker 2: I got heaps of hard eyes back. He's obviously I
Speaker 2: think he was about to walk on the courts. He
Speaker 2: gave me heaps of hard eyes. Then he's like, I'm
Speaker 2: sorry that I'm not going to sexy back right now.
Speaker 2: I don't have time to go tea bag myself.
Speaker 1: Anyway. Okay, let's get into question number two. So question
Speaker 1: number two is a little bit more lighthearted, and I'm
Speaker 1: really interested to hear what you would do in this situation.
Speaker 1: Brand the listener's wedding was put on hold and has
Speaker 1: been on hold for a little while and now because
Speaker 1: COVID's lifted and they're getting back to the planning, and
Speaker 1: she was texting one of her girlfriends about the wedding
Speaker 1: and they were talking about what to wear. Basically, her
Speaker 1: girlfriend has sent her a photo of the dress that
Speaker 1: she has bought to wear to the wedding. So she's
Speaker 1: already she purchased this dress. She purchased it a while ago,
Speaker 1: and she was like, I can't wait, don't worry, I've
Speaker 1: already got my dress, and she sent the girl who's
Speaker 1: one of our listeners a photo of her dress. Now,
Speaker 1: the problem is the dress is super revealing, really inappropriate
Speaker 1: for a wedding, or so the person who wrote in
Speaker 1: believes super inappropriate for a wedding, And she's like, what
Speaker 1: the fuck do I do? Can I tell my friend
Speaker 1: that I don't want her to wear that to the wedding?
Speaker 1: Do I just suck it up and let my friend
Speaker 1: show up in a really revealing dress. Basically, the way
Speaker 1: she described it is, you know those see through esque dresses.
Speaker 1: I'm guessing it's like a lace or a mesh or something,
Speaker 1: and then you wear like a thick panty underneath it,
Speaker 1: like a note. So a thick panty and a more
Speaker 1: abra lett underneath it. So it's a very nude silhouette.
Speaker 1: But the actual dress that goes over the top, it's
Speaker 1: not revealing in length, it's just revealing because it's very
Speaker 1: very see through. It's super sheer. Yeah. I know the
Speaker 1: exact dress that you're talking about, and it's very fashion
Speaker 1: at the Martian. But this girl is like, it's not
Speaker 1: appropriate for my wedding. Da da da da, What do
Speaker 1: we do?
Speaker 3: Straight up?
Speaker 2: There is like for me, I think there's definitely a
Speaker 2: level of dress code for a wedding, whether someone says
Speaker 2: there's a dress code or not. You know that you
Speaker 2: don't wear a sea three dress to your wedding. Like,
Speaker 2: straight up, if you're listening and you're thinking of wearing
Speaker 2: a sea through dress to someone's wedding, I'm gonna call
Speaker 2: you out. Just don't do it. Just put some clothes on.
Speaker 2: You don't turn up naked into a wedding. Secondly, I
Speaker 2: think that having said that, this is so fucking tricky.
Speaker 2: I don't think you can I don't think you can
Speaker 2: tell a wedding guest that they can't wear something because
Speaker 2: they're gonna look sexier. Than you, Like, I don't think
Speaker 2: you can say that. I think it's a really awkward situation.
Speaker 2: But I always think you're just gonna have to let
Speaker 2: her do a thing, and in all honesty, it's not
Speaker 2: going to reflect on you. Like if somebody wears that
Speaker 2: to a wedding, it's gonna reflect on them. The only
Speaker 2: thing that people are gonna be saying is not I
Speaker 2: can't believe she's out on the bride because she's.
Speaker 3: Not gonna out shine you. It's your day.
Speaker 1: But they're gonna be the saying, well, can't believe someone
Speaker 1: came to the wedding naked.
Speaker 3: That's what the conversation's gonna be about.
Speaker 1: Look, I'm I'm into cams. One part of me is
Speaker 1: like you do you if you want to tell someone
Speaker 1: that they can't wear it, go ahead tell them? Will
Speaker 1: that turn out badly? Potentially? Potentially? Maybe if it's a
Speaker 1: really good friend, you can say like, oh, actually, the
Speaker 1: dress code is a little bit more formal. That I
Speaker 1: think is a totally fine thing. Like you can definitely
Speaker 1: if you've got a dress code for weddings most people do,
Speaker 1: if it says formal on it, you can say, oh, actually,
Speaker 1: I feel like the dress code is a bit more
Speaker 1: formal than that, and I think nobody wants to show
Speaker 1: up at a wedding and not be dressed appropriately. So
Speaker 1: if you did say.
Speaker 3: Except for the girl that's wearing the seat through dressed
Speaker 3: in the wedding, that.
Speaker 1: Maybe she doesn't realize, maybe she doesn't know what the
Speaker 1: wedding dress code is, or maybe if you haven't been
Speaker 1: too many you might be confused by what isn't isn't
Speaker 1: an acceptable dress code.
Speaker 2: I disagree with that, though. I think everyone knows, like
Speaker 2: you're not an idiot. Everyone knows that, whether you've been
Speaker 2: to a wedding or not, you don't go half naked.
Speaker 3: Like I think that that's standard. You cannot say I
Speaker 3: think it's standard.
Speaker 1: You cannot no, because literally, there is someone out there
Speaker 1: who's written this question. Because I don't think her friend
Speaker 1: is intentionally being like, yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna show
Speaker 1: at this wedding and be super nude and everyone's gonna
Speaker 1: look at me. I think she just thinks it's a
Speaker 1: beautiful dress and doesn't even she She clearly does not
Speaker 1: think that the bride's gonna have an issue with it.
Speaker 1: So as much as we can see here, and say, oh,
Speaker 1: it's everyone should know what to wear to a wedding.
Speaker 1: Not everyone does. I mean I know that there's been
Speaker 1: instances like cocktail parties, and I've been like, what do
Speaker 1: I wear? What's a cocktail dress? What constitutes each of
Speaker 1: these categories? What's you know, smart casual? I don't know.
Speaker 1: I literally just live in baggy jeans and a T
Speaker 1: shirt all the time.
Speaker 2: I agree with that because I often don't know what
Speaker 2: to wear too, Like I one hundred percent, I'm agreeing
Speaker 2: with you. And my thing is just like I just
Speaker 2: feel like, at a base level, if you had to
Speaker 2: write yourself a list of what probably isn't acceptable for
Speaker 2: a wedding, I feel like a see through dress is
Speaker 2: one of the things that would go on the list.
Speaker 3: And like that's just me.
Speaker 1: When I say this for myself who's also getting married
Speaker 1: next year, make a choice, or ask yourself a question,
Speaker 1: will your friend showing up in this affect your day?
Speaker 1: Like will you have a worse day because your friend
Speaker 1: wears this? Or will it be a situation where she
Speaker 1: shows up and you're like, oh, it's that goddamn dress. Whatever?
Speaker 1: You know, but if your day, your wedding day, will
Speaker 1: be adversely affected and you won't be able to think
Speaker 1: about anything else. If you're going to be so mad,
Speaker 1: if you're going to be so upset because your friend
Speaker 1: rocked up in a see through dress, if that's how
Speaker 1: you're going to feel, then say something. But if you
Speaker 1: can actually look at it impartially and go, oh, look,
Speaker 1: I'd prefer her to wear something else, but it's not
Speaker 1: going to impact my day. I'm not going to let
Speaker 1: something like somebody else's dress affect what should be the
Speaker 1: best day of my life, then don't worry about it.
Speaker 1: I think pick your battles in this sort of situation.
Speaker 1: And you know, I don't think that she's doing it intentionally,
Speaker 1: And I do agree with what you said, Britt. I
Speaker 1: think sometimes there's so much ononus on the bride wanting
Speaker 1: the day to be solely about them, and it is
Speaker 1: a day that should be solely about the bride. You've
Speaker 1: paid for it, you've invited your friends, you've put on
Speaker 1: this party. It's your big one day to be the
Speaker 1: most important person there. But I truly think it doesn't
Speaker 1: really matter what anyone does. You will always be the
Speaker 1: most important person there. And so long as you're having
Speaker 1: a good time, and because you're focused on the things
Speaker 1: that you want out of the day. I don't really
Speaker 1: think that it matters what somebody else wears. That's why
Speaker 1: I see it. But I'm happy to be wrong.
Speaker 3: No, no one's wrong. This is the thing.
Speaker 1: No one's wrong. Everything he just says right, and I
Speaker 1: agree with it. Like, whilst I'm talking about what I
Speaker 1: think is appropriate for a wedding and that a sea
Speaker 1: through dress does not constitute that, I still probably wouldn't
Speaker 1: tell the girl if it was my friends.
Speaker 2: Like, whilst I think that it's not appropriate, I still
Speaker 2: don't think I would have the conversation because I think
Speaker 2: I would just try and not let it bother me
Speaker 2: on the day. She obviously isn't being malicious, like you said, Like,
Speaker 2: no friend is going to want to do something that's
Speaker 2: going to hurt your feelings. But if you are looking
Speaker 2: for like some sort of solution, something that I would
Speaker 2: suggest is that if you do have a group of friends,
Speaker 2: like you are all friends, if you don't want it
Speaker 2: to come from you, so that there's this big argument
Speaker 2: and then she feels awkward and then it causes a
Speaker 2: rift because ultimately, like feelings will be hurt if you
Speaker 2: have the conversation, even if you don't mean to, like,
Speaker 2: someone's going to get a little bit offended.
Speaker 3: What you could do is like talk to the other group.
Speaker 2: Of friends and maybe they could all have a conversation
Speaker 2: amongst each other, asking what each other's wearing, and if
Speaker 2: she shows the dress or talks about it, the other
Speaker 2: friends could be like, oh, I don't know if you
Speaker 2: could wear that to a wedding, because I would do
Speaker 2: that with my friends. If my friends showed me a
Speaker 2: dress for a wedding, I'd be like, that is a
Speaker 2: little bit too sexy for the wedding. Like I feel
Speaker 2: like when it's on that level and you are removed
Speaker 2: from the situation and it's just a group of friends
Speaker 2: talking about what they think they should wear, I think
Speaker 2: it's a bit different. So maybe you could approach it
Speaker 2: in that sense.
Speaker 1: So what Brita's saying is make your friends shame your
Speaker 1: other friend about what they want.
Speaker 3: To make your friends do the dirty work.
Speaker 1: You don't shame her, but make everybody else shame her
Speaker 1: so that she's ostracized from the group for her terrible
Speaker 1: fashion choices. No, Okay, the one thing I disagree with
Speaker 1: you on this Brett is the fact that I actually
Speaker 1: think that weddings these days, the dress code is so fluid.
Speaker 1: I don't think that there is one set thing that
Speaker 1: we can say, oh that isn't isn't appropriate. Weddings are
Speaker 1: vastly different for every single person. Now. Some people have
Speaker 1: more traditional weddings, some people have more black tie weddings.
Speaker 1: Some people have more like parties or beach weddings, where
Speaker 1: something like a more sheer dress is completely completely appropriate.
Speaker 1: So I think it really just depends on the type
Speaker 1: of wedding that you're having. And I know that there
Speaker 1: are probably people who are listening to this who have
Speaker 1: worn sheer things to weddings and it was completely fine
Speaker 1: and completely appropriate. I think it comes down to the
Speaker 1: dress code, and it comes down to what has been
Speaker 1: communicated on the invitation. That's where I think, you know,
Speaker 1: people can go a bit wrong with this.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And of course, weddings, like one hundred percent, weddings
Speaker 2: are subjective. Every single wedding is different. It suits, It's
Speaker 2: what suits the couple that is planning the wedding. It
Speaker 2: definitely depends on location and things like that. And I
Speaker 2: have seen brides that have worn sheer dresses, like, absolutely
Speaker 2: that is a thing. But ultimately this comes down to
Speaker 2: what you as the bride, as a person as a
Speaker 2: friend are comfortable with.
Speaker 3: Like, so Laurik and I can give you our opinions.
Speaker 3: Two A cows come home.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: My opinion is that I don't think those new dresses
Speaker 2: where you just wear the underwear should be at a wedding.
Speaker 2: If you've worn and you've probably known that that's okay
Speaker 2: for your wedding, and that is absolutely fine. Ultimately this
Speaker 2: comes down to you, the person that wrote the question
Speaker 2: in and how you feel like you'll get through the
Speaker 2: day with this girl in the dress, and if you
Speaker 2: want her to or not, and then you need to
Speaker 2: decide if it is worth having the conversation you can
Speaker 2: think you can get through the day. I would just
Speaker 2: do it because I would just not want to cause
Speaker 2: that rift.
Speaker 1: I would not care if you were a new dress
Speaker 1: to my wedding. So you honestly wouldn't care if I
Speaker 1: turned up in like just a lace Bryan undies with
Speaker 1: like a sheer overthing, like a sheer address. I would
Speaker 1: not care if you turned up in a bikini to
Speaker 1: my wedding. I could not care less, couldn't care. I
Speaker 1: would find the daily mail articles thoroughly entertaining. I couldn't care.
Speaker 1: I honestly just think. I think that the wedding, regardless
Speaker 1: of what anybody else does or is wearing, is so
Speaker 1: much about the bride and groom. It's so much about
Speaker 1: the happy day of the couple that for me, if
Speaker 1: a guest rocked up wearing something that I didn't like,
Speaker 1: even if it's something I was a bit like, oh
Speaker 1: that's interesting, it would not affect my day. That's the
Speaker 1: big take home message. Yeah, and I agree, which is
Speaker 1: why I'm saying I wouldn't say anything. That's why we know, Laura,
Speaker 1: you wouldn't say anything. So ultimately, girl, you've just got
Speaker 1: to make this big decision on your own. I can't
Speaker 1: wait to see the bikini that you wed a my wedding. Okay,
Speaker 1: question number three.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna pick it out now.
Speaker 2: Question number three actually is another wedding based question. I
Speaker 2: have had quite a rocky friendship with one of my
Speaker 2: friends who is in my bridal party. The reason is
Speaker 2: the current guy that she's dating is someone I don't
Speaker 2: really mess with. I know she plans on being with
Speaker 2: him long term, but my fiance and I don't hang
Speaker 2: out with him much as a couple. We were talking
Speaker 2: about people on our guest list, and I don't know
Speaker 2: if we want to include her boyfriend given that she's
Speaker 2: in the bridal party. We don't know how she's gonna
Speaker 2: take this. Do I invite him anyway, even though we
Speaker 2: don't get along that well, for the sake of our friendship,
Speaker 2: or do I just be honest with her and not
Speaker 2: invite him. I do feel like this will affect our
Speaker 2: friendship even more though if I don't invite him.
Speaker 3: Help.
Speaker 1: This is such a good topic. We're gonna do a
Speaker 1: Tuesday episode on this. How do you manage your friendships
Speaker 1: and your relationships when you hate your friend's partner? That
Speaker 1: is like, we're gonna do it. We're gonna do it. It's happening.
Speaker 3: I think we also need to do a whole wedding
Speaker 3: nep too.
Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe we should do a wedding app Like, when
Speaker 1: it gets closer to me actually having a wedding.
Speaker 3: Well wait till you get married. So maybe in twenty
Speaker 3: twenty seven.
Speaker 1: Yeah, after I've had five more children, Well wait.
Speaker 3: Till I get married in twenty thirty.
Speaker 1: I reckon, I'm gonna be pregnant at my wedding. That's
Speaker 1: what's gonna happen.
Speaker 2: Now, Okay, what do you think does she vine?
Speaker 3: When does she not look?
Speaker 1: I think this is such a tricky one, but yeah,
Speaker 1: you're absolutely not wrong. If you don't invite him, it
Speaker 1: will hugely affect your relationship and your friendship because the
Speaker 1: thing is, and look, we don't know whether he's done
Speaker 1: something wrong. We don't know if there's like an ultimately
Speaker 1: big reason why you don't like him. And if there
Speaker 1: is a big reason why you don't like him, then
Speaker 1: I think that that's a different conversation. But if it's
Speaker 1: just because you guys don't really get along, maybe you
Speaker 1: don't like his political views, maybe he's just a bit
Speaker 1: of an ass, whatever it is, I think there comes
Speaker 1: a point where if you don't choose to invite him
Speaker 1: to your wedding, you're essentially saying to her, we don't
Speaker 1: want someone who you love, who is a fundamental part
Speaker 1: of your life to be a part of ours. And
Speaker 1: that's a really huge divisive line in the sand when
Speaker 1: it comes to weddings and relationships, and it may mean
Speaker 1: that she has to make a choice because for her
Speaker 1: it's going to be, well, how can I be friends
Speaker 1: with someone who ultimately hates the person that I want
Speaker 1: to spend my life with? And that may drive a
Speaker 1: wedge in the friendship. It may also mean that you
Speaker 1: guys are no longer friends, or she chooses not to
Speaker 1: come to the wedding at all. She may turn around
Speaker 1: and say, well, if you don't want him there, I
Speaker 1: don't really want to come either, because that's a big
Speaker 1: conversation that she's going to then have to go and
Speaker 1: have with him and to explain to him why he's
Speaker 1: not invited. I think there's levels to this. I'm sure
Speaker 1: that there's lots of people who are listening who experienced this.
Speaker 1: I think unless there is a big reason or unless
Speaker 1: there's been some conversations around why you don't like your
Speaker 1: friend's partner, you can't just not invite them to the wedding.
Speaker 1: I think it's pretty disrespectful and it's pretty definitive. But
Speaker 1: if you have in the past express reasons why you
Speaker 1: don't like them, if there is conflict, or if there
Speaker 1: is the possibility that his behavior is going to ruin
Speaker 1: your day, like if he is a bad drunk, if
Speaker 1: he's someone who can't be trusted in social settings. If
Speaker 1: you think that there is the possibility that he's going
Speaker 1: to ruin your wedding day, absolutely do not invite him.
Speaker 1: Like it's your wedding day and at the end of it,
Speaker 1: you need to be the one who is happy in
Speaker 1: enjoying yourself, not worried about a person that you've invited
Speaker 1: who you didn't really want there in the first place.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I don't like in all.
Speaker 2: Honestly, I don't have a whole lot to add to that.
Speaker 2: And I don't want to repeat anything you've said, because
Speaker 2: I agree with everything. I will add something what you're
Speaker 2: said in this is it makes it sound like nothing
Speaker 2: has actually really happened.
Speaker 3: You've just said.
Speaker 2: Myself and my partner don't really hang out much with
Speaker 2: them as a couple, so we don't really know them
Speaker 2: a lot, Like we don't have that bond. And I
Speaker 2: just thought, okay, if that was me, which this actually
Speaker 2: would have happened because of my situation with Jordan. Laura,
Speaker 2: while she'll talk to him like and Matt, whilst you
Speaker 2: guys have met him a few times, you talk to
Speaker 2: him on Skype and things like that, you haven't had
Speaker 2: that time with him, like you haven't physically, you're not
Speaker 2: best friends, you haven't had a chance to spend that time.
Speaker 3: Together as couples.
Speaker 1: I barely know the guy exactly if you, which is
Speaker 1: crazy because we'll we together a year and you'll be like, hey,
Speaker 1: we'll just meet for like the third time.
Speaker 2: But if you invited me to the wedding and Jordan
Speaker 2: was here and you didn't invite Jordan, I would one
Speaker 2: hundred percent still come to the wedding, but there'd be
Speaker 2: a part of me that was really disappointed in the
Speaker 2: fact that you didn't recognize that this person is so
Speaker 2: important to me and they're in my life long term,
Speaker 2: and that I you know that, I feel like you
Speaker 2: don't respect the love and the couple, like the fact
Speaker 2: that we're together. So I wouldn't not come to your wedding,
Speaker 2: but there would definitely be a feeling of disappointment. And
Speaker 2: I wouldn't be holding it against you because it is
Speaker 2: your day. But you need to know that it is
Speaker 2: going to affect your friendship to some degree if you
Speaker 2: don't invite him.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's a huge level of invalidation. I've shared this
Speaker 1: story partly on this podcast before, but I will share
Speaker 1: it now for anyone who doesn't know it. I had
Speaker 1: a big friendship breakup with an over my very very
Speaker 1: toxic ex. So my best friend throughout all of high school,
Speaker 1: who had been my best friend through my twenties. I
Speaker 1: was her maid of honor, and it was at the
Speaker 1: same time that I had gotten into the relationship with
Speaker 1: my very toxic ex boyfriend. She could see things that
Speaker 1: I couldn't see, and I was blindly in love with him,
Speaker 1: and like the very first person who wrote in, I
Speaker 1: was addicted to our relationship and I was addicted to him,
Speaker 1: and he had really tried to separate me from my
Speaker 1: friends and isolate our relationship. And she had said we
Speaker 1: don't want him at the wedding. That was such a
Speaker 1: big thing for me. It was so invalidating of my relationship,
Speaker 1: and it created such a rift between me and him.
Speaker 1: We thought about it, and so it was easier for
Speaker 1: me to say, Okay, I'm not going to come to
Speaker 1: the wedding then, instead of having to fight in my
Speaker 1: relationship that I wasn't ready to leave because I was
Speaker 1: desperately in love with him. So in order to not
Speaker 1: fight with him, I chose not to go to the wedding.
Speaker 1: I chose not to be the bridesmaid, and effectively that
Speaker 1: friendship has dissolved now. And look, do I have regrets
Speaker 1: about that. Absolutely, Like I wish that we were still friends.
Speaker 1: I wish that I had learnt those lessons earlier, but
Speaker 1: I wasn't ready yet and I needed to live that
Speaker 1: life and I needed to live that relationship and experience
Speaker 1: to be able to have a really healthy and great
Speaker 1: relationship now. So I get it. I totally understand why
Speaker 1: my friend didn't invite him. But this is why I say,
Speaker 1: you know, if you choose not to invite your friend's partner,
Speaker 1: it could have a profound impact on your friendship. And
Speaker 1: I guess the big thing with my friend was that
Speaker 1: she had made that decision. She was ready to let
Speaker 1: go of our friendship because of how toxic my relationship was,
Speaker 1: and it was impacting everything in my life. It wasn't
Speaker 1: just impacting my relationship, it was impacting my friendships hugely.
Speaker 2: And she is in the bridal party as well, just
Speaker 2: to reiterate that. So I think my advice to you is,
Speaker 2: if you don't detest him, invite the guy. You don't
Speaker 2: have to talk to him. You don't have to hang
Speaker 2: out with him, you don't have to have a solo
Speaker 2: single dance with him. He's there for her.
Speaker 1: You probably won't even notice him, and I think it
Speaker 1: will save you a lot of heartache in the future.
Speaker 3: So that is it, guys. There are three questions.
Speaker 1: I'm on four percent batteries, so we're gonna wrap. If
Speaker 1: this dazzle up, razzle dazzle, and get on with the day.
Speaker 1: Thank you to everybody who is sent in questions for
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