1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:02,679 Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Wilson, 2 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:05,240 Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie our husband and wife radio team 3 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:07,560 Speaker 1: with three young boys. This is the podcast for the 4 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:09,800 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants some answers now. 5 00:00:10,039 --> 00:00:12,440 Speaker 2: Our next guest is a doctor of psychology who writes 6 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:14,400 Speaker 2: for The New York Times and is featured in Sydney's 7 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:17,720 Speaker 2: Daily Telegraph, The Project, The Today Show and of course 8 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:20,400 Speaker 2: the Look At Susie Radio show. A closet middle aged 9 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:23,160 Speaker 2: man in lycra and our family and parenting expert from 10 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:25,720 Speaker 2: Happy Families dot com dot Are you please welcome father 11 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:28,000 Speaker 2: of six daughters, Dr Justin Kilson. 12 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:31,160 Speaker 1: That gets me every time. Six daughters and we sit 13 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:32,360 Speaker 1: here with three boys. 14 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:37,440 Speaker 2: You are six daughters? He lost count after four though. Alright, 15 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:38,959 Speaker 2: Hello Justin, how are. 16 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:39,760 Speaker 3: You so good to be with you? 17 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,080 Speaker 1: Good to be with you too. I'm keen to know 18 00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:43,320 Speaker 1: if you've got a dad joke for us. 19 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:46,400 Speaker 4: Well, Elton John's been touring Australia in recent times. Yes, 20 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,839 Speaker 4: and you know Elton's known for his dummy spits. Recently 21 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:53,280 Speaker 4: at dinner he had a big confrontation with the waiter 22 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:54,120 Speaker 4: and the chef. 23 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,400 Speaker 3: They put cos lettuce in his cell and he said, 24 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:01,200 Speaker 3: I don't eat cose lettuce. They said why, he said, 25 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:02,200 Speaker 3: because I'm a rocket man. 26 00:01:11,319 --> 00:01:12,640 Speaker 1: It's going to be in my head for the rest 27 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,399 Speaker 1: of the day. Now, all right, doctor Justin Coleson, let's 28 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:16,200 Speaker 1: talk parenting. 29 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:20,000 Speaker 3: I'm so sorry, you're not at all. 30 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:20,920 Speaker 1: Don't be sorry. 31 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:22,800 Speaker 2: You keep coming back with them, so you're not sorry. 32 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:25,320 Speaker 2: If you were, you'd change your behavior. 33 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,479 Speaker 1: All right, Let's talk about making sure our kids aren't 34 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:31,040 Speaker 1: too spoil It is the season to be jolly and generous, 35 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:35,000 Speaker 1: and our children probably have expectations that they're going to 36 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,039 Speaker 1: have a full tree of presents. 37 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:39,479 Speaker 4: And the reality is even those of us who are 38 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,760 Speaker 4: not prosperous in Australia are still doing pretty well by 39 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:48,080 Speaker 4: world standards. We live in a remarkably prosperous and abundant society. 40 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:51,240 Speaker 4: So yeah, and children do have expectations. Plus they know 41 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,640 Speaker 4: what their friends are getting. All they hear about what 42 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:56,880 Speaker 4: their friends received, and Christmas for our children sometimes feels 43 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,960 Speaker 4: like it's all about me, me, me, me, me, what 44 00:01:59,000 --> 00:01:59,560 Speaker 4: are you getting me? 45 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,280 Speaker 3: And look, you know, look what under the tree for me? 46 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:05,440 Speaker 4: So I've worked with a lot of families over the 47 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,800 Speaker 4: years who have tried to break through this cycle of 48 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:13,200 Speaker 4: entitlement and narcissism and selfishness. And let's face it, do 49 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,400 Speaker 4: you remember what you were like when you were Oh? 50 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:17,240 Speaker 3: I was the worst. 51 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:22,040 Speaker 2: Yeah. I remember crying on my birthday because my presence 52 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:22,720 Speaker 2: weren't good enough? 53 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:23,840 Speaker 1: Is it a somber birthday? 54 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,400 Speaker 2: And I got so Mom went out and brought me 55 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 2: a game Boy. 56 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:28,840 Speaker 3: Wow, So the tears worked. 57 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,600 Speaker 2: The tears worked a treat. Yeah, I mean I was 58 00:02:31,639 --> 00:02:34,320 Speaker 2: genuinely devastated because I felt like on my birthday, everyone 59 00:02:34,639 --> 00:02:36,800 Speaker 2: like this is what I felt that I was. No 60 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:38,919 Speaker 2: one cared they were getting to Christmas, and so I 61 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,600 Speaker 2: got these little token no thought into it, but I 62 00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:45,560 Speaker 2: was brought off with a game Boy. So maybe it 63 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:48,200 Speaker 2: wasn't about the thoughts and feelings at all, just about 64 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:48,720 Speaker 2: the stuff. 65 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 3: And that that's kind of what happens. 66 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:51,160 Speaker 2: You know. 67 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,280 Speaker 4: It's like as well, when the children when they see 68 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:57,320 Speaker 4: their aunties or their grandparents or you know, whatever person 69 00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,720 Speaker 4: it is they walk in the door on Christmas Day. 70 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,560 Speaker 4: And the thing that your kids do, even though you've 71 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:02,720 Speaker 4: told them not to, as I say, have. 72 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:03,519 Speaker 3: You got any presents for me? 73 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 4: And you're like to stop, And then what happens is 74 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:10,639 Speaker 4: there's this the gift giving process where it's just this 75 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:15,080 Speaker 4: flurry of paper going everywhere, and it's kind of like 76 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,560 Speaker 4: a procession of one gift after another after another. They 77 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,120 Speaker 4: look at it for four seconds and they chuck it 78 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:20,880 Speaker 4: on the floor so they can open up the next thing, 79 00:03:20,919 --> 00:03:25,359 Speaker 4: and they just can't get enough. Yes, and when you're 80 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,160 Speaker 4: a child, this is the most exciting thing ever. But 81 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,080 Speaker 4: as parents, we kind of want our children to be 82 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:33,359 Speaker 4: a little more restrained and a little more grateful, a 83 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:36,200 Speaker 4: little more focused on others, more focused not on getting, 84 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:39,720 Speaker 4: but on giving. So I've got a handful of things 85 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,280 Speaker 4: that we can do to help our children to be 86 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,160 Speaker 4: more other oriented. 87 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:46,920 Speaker 1: All right, I'm ready to take notes. 88 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:49,400 Speaker 3: I love those literally just opened up. 89 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's almost like she's got her typewriter, that little 90 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:53,720 Speaker 2: We've got the process. 91 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:56,880 Speaker 1: We've got a process with our boys at Christmas anyway, 92 00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:00,440 Speaker 1: and they have to be quite patient before the presents 93 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,560 Speaker 1: even come out. In fact, two years ago, our son 94 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,680 Speaker 1: split in the open on Christmas morning and it was 95 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,680 Speaker 1: sort of mid to late morning before we even got 96 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,920 Speaker 1: back from the hospital for him to open presents. 97 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,080 Speaker 3: But I bet he's still open them. 98 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:13,560 Speaker 1: Yes, But they do it everybody in the family gets 99 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,200 Speaker 1: a present, so slow then everybody. 100 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:21,479 Speaker 2: And for us, the reason is simply with If it's rush, 101 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,560 Speaker 2: there is no thank you, there is no gratitude, there 102 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:25,560 Speaker 2: is no acknowledgment. But when it's one at a time, 103 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,680 Speaker 2: we do not open the next president until they've displayed 104 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:30,840 Speaker 2: gratitude and appreciation for the person. 105 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:31,600 Speaker 3: Give them the guests. 106 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,559 Speaker 4: Well, now that Susy has flexed her fingers and gotten 107 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,560 Speaker 4: them ready to keep had, I'm ready. Here's what I'm 108 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,839 Speaker 4: going to recommend. I think folks. You know this is 109 00:04:37,839 --> 00:04:41,120 Speaker 4: before Christmas Day, in the lead up to Christmas. As 110 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:44,200 Speaker 4: a family, focus on service, focus more on giving than 111 00:04:44,279 --> 00:04:48,640 Speaker 4: getting One family I know bakes cookies and takes them 112 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,560 Speaker 4: down to the local cop shop and out of the 113 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,840 Speaker 4: local lambos and down to the local fieries. When they 114 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:56,240 Speaker 4: walk in, there's this look of really and you know, 115 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:57,159 Speaker 4: is this poison? 116 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,479 Speaker 3: Especially at the police station. Are you sure this is okay? 117 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,599 Speaker 4: To week? But they did that so that they can 118 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,360 Speaker 4: help the children to recognize that there are people in 119 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:07,560 Speaker 4: the community who are literally putting their lives on the 120 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,920 Speaker 4: line to keep them safe, and Christmas is a nice 121 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,159 Speaker 4: time to acknowledge that and do that I thought it 122 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:16,240 Speaker 4: was beautiful. Another family that I know really focused just 123 00:05:16,279 --> 00:05:18,880 Speaker 4: on their neighborhood. So there was an elderly lady just 124 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,160 Speaker 4: up the road who they went and looked after her 125 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,320 Speaker 4: yard in a few days leading up to Christmas because 126 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:24,880 Speaker 4: there were going to be some family members showing up 127 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:25,320 Speaker 4: in the yard. 128 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,360 Speaker 2: Was a really messt. 129 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:32,000 Speaker 4: Another family I know just down the street, a husband 130 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,839 Speaker 4: and wife had separated a couple of weeks before Christmas. 131 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,600 Speaker 4: The mum was at home with the three kids, absolutely devastated, 132 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,320 Speaker 4: and so this family put together a Christmas hamper and said, 133 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:42,680 Speaker 4: we know it's a really hard time, but we want 134 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,240 Speaker 4: you to know that we're thinking of you. And by 135 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:46,719 Speaker 4: the way, maybe you'd like to join us on Christmas 136 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,960 Speaker 4: afternoon as well. Bring the kids along and we'll swim 137 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:49,400 Speaker 4: in the pool. 138 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:50,080 Speaker 1: Lovely. 139 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:52,560 Speaker 3: So this kind of reaching out and helping. 140 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,719 Speaker 4: What it does is it teaches the children that Christmas 141 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,719 Speaker 4: is not actually about you, It's about giving joy to 142 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,800 Speaker 4: the world. There's a song about that. 143 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:02,440 Speaker 3: I'm pretty sure I think I've heard it. 144 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:02,719 Speaker 2: Yeah. 145 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,000 Speaker 4: The other one that I love when it comes to 146 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,479 Speaker 4: service to others is it's just secret Sandy drops. This 147 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,760 Speaker 4: is actually a family tradition in my family. We usually 148 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:13,240 Speaker 4: do some home baked goodies and we drive the car 149 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,560 Speaker 4: to the neighborhood where our friends are, and we park 150 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,800 Speaker 4: around the corner and sneak up and bang on the door, 151 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:19,560 Speaker 4: leave the goody, and then we rush to the bushes 152 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,240 Speaker 4: and hide as they open the door and go, oh, mommy, Daddy, 153 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:24,400 Speaker 4: look what someone. And it's very exciting. The kids just 154 00:06:24,839 --> 00:06:26,880 Speaker 4: they love it. And every now and again we get caught, 155 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,880 Speaker 4: and that's kind of fun as well, because then we 156 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:32,479 Speaker 4: get to hug our friends and say Happy Christmas. But 157 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:34,440 Speaker 4: I want to share a couple of other ideas. I 158 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,240 Speaker 4: know we've really pushed for time, so I'll go fairly quickly. 159 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,200 Speaker 4: My next idea is that we should reduce the quantity 160 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:44,200 Speaker 4: of gifts. We don't really have to have a million 161 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:48,960 Speaker 4: billion gifts. The other thing that research tells us is 162 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:55,080 Speaker 4: that giving experiences is actually better than giving stuff. When 163 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:57,479 Speaker 4: you open it, it doesn't necessarily feel better. But when you 164 00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:00,600 Speaker 4: go and have the experience and then you enjoy them memory, 165 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:06,040 Speaker 4: it builds happiness, It builds it builds relationships. And that's 166 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,000 Speaker 4: the other thing with experiences is you usually do them 167 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,440 Speaker 4: with other people, whereas you get some stuff, it's in 168 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,040 Speaker 4: a cardboard box. You can't play with it, and it 169 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:16,200 Speaker 4: just doesn't have the same kind of thing. So experience 170 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:19,760 Speaker 4: is better than things. There are a couple of other things, 171 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:23,080 Speaker 4: just quickly. I love this one. One year for Christmas, 172 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,800 Speaker 4: I contacted my siblings. I'm the oldest of six kids, 173 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,280 Speaker 4: and I said to them, can you just write out 174 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:32,920 Speaker 4: ten special memories with Dad, just on a piece of paper, 175 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,000 Speaker 4: a couple of lines each. You can be as elaborate 176 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,000 Speaker 4: in describing that experience as you want, but just ten 177 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,400 Speaker 4: special memories of Dad. That meant that once all six 178 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,760 Speaker 4: of us done it, there were sixty memories of Dad. 179 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:42,600 Speaker 3: I put it. 180 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,960 Speaker 4: I put it on the printer, nice colorful paper, different 181 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:49,480 Speaker 4: different color for each child, and then. 182 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,920 Speaker 3: I roll them up, sort of scroll like, and drop 183 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,640 Speaker 3: them into a jar. When Dad. 184 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,440 Speaker 4: Dad's one of those you know, he shakes the gift, 185 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,160 Speaker 4: tries to work out what was before he opens it. 186 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,320 Speaker 3: He couldn't figure it out. He said, it's a jar 187 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,360 Speaker 3: of something. Opened it up and. 188 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,080 Speaker 4: Saw all this colorful paper, and a jar looked at 189 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,960 Speaker 4: us quizzically opens the jar, reaches in, pulls out the 190 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,680 Speaker 4: first piece of paper, reads the little story on it 191 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,040 Speaker 4: has a bit of a chuckle. 192 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 3: Then stops. 193 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:15,080 Speaker 4: He looks at us and looks at the jar, and 194 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:19,800 Speaker 4: then he realizes that in that jar is sixty of 195 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 4: our favorite memories of time with him. And for the 196 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:26,040 Speaker 4: next two hours he sat on the couch while Christmas 197 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,120 Speaker 4: happened around him and pulled memories out and laughed and 198 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:34,079 Speaker 4: cried and just lived in his own little cocoons as 199 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,559 Speaker 4: we shared that experience with him. It cost us nothing 200 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,400 Speaker 4: except for a jar and a little bit of paper, 201 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,600 Speaker 4: but the memory was profound. 202 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,439 Speaker 2: Wow, that's beautiful. 203 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,800 Speaker 3: Yeah, just joyful. And two other ideas just really quickly. 204 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,840 Speaker 4: Number one encouraged the children not just to say thank you, 205 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:53,840 Speaker 4: but write thank you notes. And lastly, give the gift 206 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:57,559 Speaker 4: of time. Because everyone that I talk to all the time, 207 00:08:57,559 --> 00:08:59,319 Speaker 4: when I say hey, you're going, they say, oh, busy. 208 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,000 Speaker 4: Christmas is meant to be a time where we're not, 209 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,640 Speaker 4: even if it's just for the day, even if it's 210 00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:06,280 Speaker 4: just for the morning or the afternoon, if you're doing 211 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:09,240 Speaker 4: shift work, whatever it is, Give the gift of time. 212 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,360 Speaker 4: Put your phone away, just concentrate on each other. It's 213 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,720 Speaker 4: such a special time. Focus on others, Focus on servers, 214 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:19,360 Speaker 4: focus on memories, focus on experiences, forget the stuff, just 215 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:19,920 Speaker 4: be together. 216 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 2: Dr Justin Coulson. What an incredibly powerful session how to 217 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 2: make sure that your child isn't spoiled this Christmas. 218 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,880 Speaker 3: I love how you're calling our conversation sessions. Now, what's 219 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,240 Speaker 3: going on here? Calling out the black leather. 220 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,760 Speaker 2: Couch and there's just not room for both of us 221 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,360 Speaker 2: on the same couch. That's the problem. Thanks so much, 222 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:38,040 Speaker 2: Mart for your time. 223 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:38,600 Speaker 3: Thank you. 224 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:41,640 Speaker 1: To find out more info on all of Justin's books, podcasts, 225 00:09:41,679 --> 00:09:44,320 Speaker 1: and programs, you can go online to Happy Families dot 226 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,320 Speaker 1: com dot au. And to find out how to have 227 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:49,000 Speaker 1: Justin come and speak at your school, organization or event, 228 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:55,280 Speaker 1: go to Justin Coulson dot com