1
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,440
Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Oh my goodness.

2
00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:11,000
Speaker 1: Every now and again stuff hits the news that means

3
00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:14,560
Speaker 1: we have to do one of these. It's this week

4
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:21,480
Speaker 1: in Parenting. I love doing that. It makes me so happy.

5
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:22,720
Speaker 1: How are you looking at.

6
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:22,959
Speaker 2: Me like that?

7
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:28,520
Speaker 1: Even Sky News has covered this. So there's a TikTok

8
00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:32,519
Speaker 1: video that's gone viral where a little girl has been bullying, bullying,

9
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,880
Speaker 1: certainly been unkind of kids at school. She's going to

10
00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,360
Speaker 1: be suspended. Dad has to go to the school and

11
00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:39,519
Speaker 1: pick her up. And well, we're going to tell you

12
00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:42,279
Speaker 1: what happened and why this went viral right after this.

13
00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:47,680
Speaker 1: Stay with us. Hello and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast,

14
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:50,120
Speaker 1: where you get real parenting solutions every single day. This

15
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:52,640
Speaker 1: is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and

16
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,080
Speaker 1: Kylie Coursen. The parents have six kids, and today we

17
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,720
Speaker 1: have parenting solutions for you up the wazoo. That's what

18
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,720
Speaker 1: my dad used to say. I don't know wazoo is,

19
00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:03,160
Speaker 1: and I got why you'd want to go up the wazoo.

20
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:06,839
Speaker 1: But we've got solutions everywhere. Kylie, let me set the scene.

21
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,039
Speaker 1: It's on TikTok can I just say this out loud,

22
00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:14,399
Speaker 1: Please don't try to get your parenting advice from random

23
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:17,680
Speaker 1: people on social media, Like, if you want to be

24
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:19,600
Speaker 1: a good parent, the last place you want to go

25
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:23,920
Speaker 1: is TikTok listening to random's who are struggling with their

26
00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:26,720
Speaker 1: parenting and getting it so wrong. So anyway, now that

27
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:29,760
Speaker 1: I've said that, oh my goodness, it drives me crazy.

28
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,840
Speaker 1: All of our major news outlets in the last week

29
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,400
Speaker 1: have reported on an American dad who was called into

30
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,920
Speaker 1: the school because his daughter had been bullying, quote unquote bullying,

31
00:01:39,319 --> 00:01:43,280
Speaker 1: certainly being mean to kids in her school so much

32
00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,839
Speaker 1: so she was so mean that twice in one day

33
00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:49,080
Speaker 1: people put hands on her to hurt her because she

34
00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:52,480
Speaker 1: was being so unkind. This is messy at every level.

35
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:56,120
Speaker 1: He goes into the school and the I guess it's

36
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,920
Speaker 1: the school principle or somebody who's in charge, starts explaining

37
00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:02,160
Speaker 1: what's going on kids before.

38
00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:10,920
Speaker 2: So, yeah, it says two days but today, okay, yeah,

39
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:14,280
Speaker 2: this semester she's given you ever seen that movie Mean

40
00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:18,760
Speaker 2: Girlshan Regina George That day, that's what she's acting like,

41
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,520
Speaker 2: walking around bullying people, calling out their names.

42
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,680
Speaker 3: Talking about their parents, talking about their clothes or smell,

43
00:02:25,919 --> 00:02:31,040
Speaker 3: just get anything to provoke these kids. So today uh

44
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:36,440
Speaker 3: as a little Hispanic boy in hair class. She kept

45
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:39,359
Speaker 3: getting in stay talking about so that's why Trump this

46
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:40,280
Speaker 3: and something like that.

47
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,880
Speaker 1: It's really interesting because at the start of the clip

48
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:44,920
Speaker 1: you've got this kid saying, what are you doing here?

49
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,639
Speaker 1: And I don't even know why you're here, which I'm

50
00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:49,360
Speaker 1: not sure he's honest.

51
00:02:49,639 --> 00:02:56,799
Speaker 3: Come on, it's okay, it don't matter.

52
00:02:56,919 --> 00:02:57,560
Speaker 2: Come on, let's go.

53
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,520
Speaker 1: What did I even do? The dad interrupts the flow

54
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:03,639
Speaker 1: of the video so that he can give his own commentary,

55
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:04,480
Speaker 1: whoa whoa.

56
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:07,280
Speaker 3: Whoa na na na. No. I know my child, and

57
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:09,560
Speaker 3: I know up until this point you ain't said nothing.

58
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,760
Speaker 3: That was a lie. I gotta do better. I'm trying

59
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,440
Speaker 3: to train her up the right way.

60
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:14,959
Speaker 1: This is kind of difficult.

61
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,359
Speaker 3: We still figure it it out. But now, wouldn't it

62
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:20,480
Speaker 3: hell my baby say about Trump to a Hispanic like,

63
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,320
Speaker 3: I don't know nothing about that?

64
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,760
Speaker 1: And then, to make a long story short, he takes

65
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:30,120
Speaker 1: his daughter over to grandma's house because he doesn't know

66
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:32,880
Speaker 1: what to do, and Grandma takes kiddo down to the

67
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:36,560
Speaker 1: police station so that the police station can scare the

68
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,680
Speaker 1: living heck out of this kid so that this child

69
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:40,720
Speaker 1: will never put you again.

70
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,480
Speaker 3: I know Kinsey walked in there, it turned around, looked

71
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,400
Speaker 3: at me like, Daddy, you really gonna let her do

72
00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:49,080
Speaker 3: this to me? It is clearly I ain't doing enough.

73
00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:52,280
Speaker 1: Carly, there is so much here. Where do you want

74
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:52,600
Speaker 1: to start?

75
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,760
Speaker 4: I just want to say that, while I don't necessarily

76
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,800
Speaker 4: agree with his methods, it is so refreshing to see

77
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:04,040
Speaker 4: a parent who actually recognizes that their child is not perfect,

78
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:09,840
Speaker 4: and they're actually willing to take responsibility for their role

79
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,560
Speaker 4: in helping children to learn appropriate behavior.

80
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:16,840
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm going to tell you right now that that is,

81
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,200
Speaker 1: in my mind, the only positive in this entire thing.

82
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:24,600
Speaker 4: I agree, but I just as we have dealt with

83
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,600
Speaker 4: so many challenges over the years as our children have

84
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:34,240
Speaker 4: navigated tricky relationships, I don't think I have ever met

85
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:38,120
Speaker 4: a parent who's been willing to sit in an uncomfortable

86
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,400
Speaker 4: place and acknowledge that their child may not have acted

87
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:42,680
Speaker 4: in the best way.

88
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,080
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, So we call it using your are

89
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:50,160
Speaker 1: or being in bed, So using your are ownership, accountability

90
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:54,000
Speaker 1: and responsibility, being in bed blame, excuse and denial, and

91
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:54,839
Speaker 1: the amount.

92
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,040
Speaker 4: Of times I have heard someone say, well, what did

93
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,200
Speaker 4: your child do to provoke?

94
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:02,520
Speaker 1: Right, exactly, I can't. My child can't be fully responsible this.

95
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,000
Speaker 4: So I understand that we're going to go on totally

96
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,080
Speaker 4: different road, but I needed to say that because I

97
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:10,920
Speaker 4: just feel like we just get so caught up in

98
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:14,360
Speaker 4: wanting our children to be good people, and we think

99
00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,080
Speaker 4: that if they're not good people, then it is a

100
00:05:17,279 --> 00:05:18,440
Speaker 4: slight against us.

101
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:23,159
Speaker 1: From that point on, everything is wrong. Yes, everything's wrong,

102
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:26,080
Speaker 1: which is frustrating because the comments and the fact that

103
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,720
Speaker 1: this is blown up is because the comments essentially are

104
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:33,080
Speaker 1: everybody and their dog being on social media and on

105
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,760
Speaker 1: the news site saying, God on this, dad, he nailed it.

106
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:41,000
Speaker 1: We need more parents doing this. No, no, we don't.

107
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,119
Speaker 1: And I know you're laughing and it's kind of funny,

108
00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:47,400
Speaker 1: but it's not. It's not. It's really bad. So where

109
00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:50,960
Speaker 1: do we start. Number One, this child is you've seen

110
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,400
Speaker 1: the clip? How old directed the child is?

111
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:53,760
Speaker 2: Eight? Nine?

112
00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:54,039
Speaker 4: Mine?

113
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:57,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, something like that. Yeah, That's where I'm going. I

114
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,920
Speaker 1: don't think I don't think she's any older than that,

115
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,040
Speaker 1: But eight or nine? Can kids be mean and even bully?

116
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:06,440
Speaker 1: One hundred percent? Yes? Should we take responsibility as parents

117
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,520
Speaker 1: to teach our children the right thing to do. One

118
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:14,400
Speaker 1: hundred percent yes. But now because of this approach, this

119
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,880
Speaker 1: nine year old is scared of grandma because grandma is

120
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,240
Speaker 1: giving dirty looks and then saying you can't do that,

121
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,720
Speaker 1: and I'm taking you to the police. So how likely

122
00:06:22,839 --> 00:06:24,120
Speaker 1: is it that this kid is going to grow up

123
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:25,960
Speaker 1: and be like, oh, I'm struggling with something, I should

124
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,800
Speaker 1: go and talk to my grandma about this. Kiddo is

125
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:32,400
Speaker 1: now scared of police, even though the police were being nice.

126
00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:34,960
Speaker 1: Grandma's getting mad at the police for not being mean enough.

127
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,920
Speaker 1: And what we've also got here is I think that

128
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,840
Speaker 1: this child's going to be scared of dad because that

129
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,160
Speaker 1: is not being nice. Dad is not working things out.

130
00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:52,600
Speaker 1: Dad's just saying we're going to go and talk to

131
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,720
Speaker 1: grandma and then we're going to have a police station.

132
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,320
Speaker 1: So even Dad's not willing to work with the child

133
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,080
Speaker 1: on the problem. And there are definitely are problems here

134
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,880
Speaker 1: that need to be worked on. Oh and I don't

135
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,720
Speaker 1: have a problem with parents asking for help, but I

136
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,760
Speaker 1: feel like this dad is just abrogating his responsibility. Maybe

137
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:11,200
Speaker 1: I'm being a little bit harsh, but seriously, like man up,

138
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:14,239
Speaker 1: be the dad, be the parent.

139
00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:16,840
Speaker 4: I know, I'm laughing because it's just it's a little

140
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:21,400
Speaker 4: bit comical how social media has the power to just

141
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:25,080
Speaker 4: get under our blow things up, yes, and blow things

142
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:28,400
Speaker 4: out of proportion. However, there is a story that you

143
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:34,280
Speaker 4: have told over the years that highlights this situation in

144
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:38,240
Speaker 4: such a powerful way. It was about a young boy

145
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:42,960
Speaker 4: who brought peanuts to school one day, right and threw

146
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:44,960
Speaker 4: them in front of the face of a child who

147
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,680
Speaker 4: was anaphylactic and said, I'm.

148
00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:49,760
Speaker 1: Going to kill you with this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. True

149
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,720
Speaker 1: story happened on the New South Wales central coast, probably

150
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:54,840
Speaker 1: about I was right at the very start of when

151
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,240
Speaker 1: I was doing the parenting stuff, so it would have

152
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:57,280
Speaker 1: been nearly twenty years ago.

153
00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:57,880
Speaker 2: Yeah.

154
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,520
Speaker 4: And I love the advice that you gave to that

155
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:03,640
Speaker 4: mum that day. Would you like to share?

156
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,720
Speaker 1: I can't remember what I said. I remember the story.

157
00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:06,720
Speaker 4: Are you serious?

158
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,400
Speaker 1: You can remember the advice? Obviously it's probably in harmony

159
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,680
Speaker 1: with the advice. I'm then had given a second what

160
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,640
Speaker 1: is the parenting solution that I gave?

161
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,600
Speaker 4: Well, the parent was wrong. The school explained to her

162
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,480
Speaker 4: what had happened, and she needed to come to collect

163
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:22,520
Speaker 4: her child, and she gave you a phone call before

164
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,160
Speaker 4: she even got there. She said, this is what's happened.

165
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:29,120
Speaker 4: What am I supposed to do? And you asked her

166
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:29,880
Speaker 4: what she wanted to do?

167
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:31,800
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it was I want to put him

168
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:33,400
Speaker 1: through the wall or something like that.

169
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:33,920
Speaker 4: Yeah.

170
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:34,160
Speaker 3: Yeah.

171
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,120
Speaker 4: And she then asked you, but what am I supposed

172
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:41,920
Speaker 4: to do? And your response was just one of absolute

173
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:46,079
Speaker 4: love and acknowledgment that this little boy, in spite of

174
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:51,240
Speaker 4: what he had done, was struggling for whatever reason, in

175
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:54,360
Speaker 4: whatever space, there was something going on for him that

176
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,520
Speaker 4: was making him act in such a poor way. He

177
00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:00,600
Speaker 4: knew that he'd done the wrong thing. He already knew

178
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,720
Speaker 4: that he didn't need her to come in heavy handed.

179
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,959
Speaker 4: He didn't need her to make him feel any worse.

180
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:10,880
Speaker 4: He already felt worse, And the idea that she could

181
00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:13,319
Speaker 4: be a soft place for him to come so that

182
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:19,319
Speaker 4: they could actually have connection and the potential for her

183
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:24,719
Speaker 4: to utilize that time to teach him better ways to

184
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:31,200
Speaker 4: act only comes through being soft, not coming down hard.

185
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,720
Speaker 1: Okay, so some people will hear what you're saying and think, oh,

186
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:37,320
Speaker 1: here we go. Namby pamby Cotton Wooll Bubble app gentle parenting.

187
00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:38,400
Speaker 4: It's not what this is.

188
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:41,520
Speaker 1: After the break, I have another story that I think

189
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:45,000
Speaker 1: is even more powerful and more pertinent that will illustrate

190
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,959
Speaker 1: not just what not to do, but also precisely what

191
00:09:49,559 --> 00:09:53,240
Speaker 1: needs to happen in this kind of situation. I can't

192
00:09:53,240 --> 00:10:02,480
Speaker 1: wait to share it to stay Next we're back. This

193
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:04,280
Speaker 1: is the Happy Family's podcast. If you're enjoying the pod,

194
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,720
Speaker 1: police share it with your friends, your neighbors, other parents,

195
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,079
Speaker 1: anyone that you think would benefit from the stuff that

196
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:11,199
Speaker 1: we share to make families happier. Okay, we've got a

197
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:14,559
Speaker 1: situation where there's been some bullying, some unkindness. There's a

198
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:17,480
Speaker 1: child who needs to learn how to be civil, courteous,

199
00:10:17,559 --> 00:10:21,120
Speaker 1: considerate of others. And the solution that the dad comes

200
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,000
Speaker 1: up with is go to grandma and then get grandma

201
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,719
Speaker 1: to take child to the police, so the police and

202
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:26,319
Speaker 1: grandma cant scare the heck out of the child so

203
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,959
Speaker 1: they'll never do the wrong thing again. Research shows this

204
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,360
Speaker 1: doesn't work. There's a story that I shared in one

205
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,680
Speaker 1: of my books, twenty one Days to a Happier Family,

206
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,000
Speaker 1: about ten years ago, fifteen years ago, and I wrote

207
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,240
Speaker 1: that book that has always stayed with me, and that

208
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:41,960
Speaker 1: I think is perfectly pertinent for this scenario. A young

209
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,760
Speaker 1: girl was in trouble at school. She was in her

210
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,599
Speaker 1: I think grade nine, grade ten, so I think she

211
00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:52,600
Speaker 1: was about fifteen. She created an explicit website featuring one

212
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:56,400
Speaker 1: of her classmates with a whole lot of photo shop

213
00:10:56,480 --> 00:11:01,679
Speaker 1: and superimposed faces on explicit images of other people and

214
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:04,920
Speaker 1: their bodies, and shared the website with a whole lot

215
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:08,559
Speaker 1: of people and really just tried to hurt, cause genuine

216
00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:12,360
Speaker 1: harm to the reputation of this girl that she didn't

217
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:16,040
Speaker 1: like in her class. Horrible stuff. Anyway, the school found

218
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:19,280
Speaker 1: out about it, mum gets called in. The great irony

219
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,120
Speaker 1: is that the mum in this instance was working in

220
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:26,400
Speaker 1: the laboratory of a university professor who studied cyberbullying, and

221
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:28,679
Speaker 1: now her fifteen year old daughter has been called into

222
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:33,719
Speaker 1: the office for doing some absolutely breathtakingly horrendous cyberbullying, some

223
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,160
Speaker 1: of the worst stuff that you could probably imagine. And

224
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:38,600
Speaker 1: the moment is just freaking out. She's like, how could

225
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:41,240
Speaker 1: you do this? What is going on? Why where did

226
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:44,520
Speaker 1: this come from? And she basically had this massive fight

227
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,600
Speaker 1: with her daughter that lasted for day after day after day.

228
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:52,560
Speaker 1: She confiscated screens, confiscated computers, threatened to get the police involved.

229
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,240
Speaker 1: The other family were threatening that as well. I mean,

230
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,599
Speaker 1: this thing just blew up. And all that happened is

231
00:11:56,679 --> 00:12:00,760
Speaker 1: that her daughter got worse and worse, started taking rug's grades,

232
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,439
Speaker 1: went down even further, started wagging school like this. This

233
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,320
Speaker 1: thing just blew up. It got to the point where

234
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:09,240
Speaker 1: this mum took the door off her daughter's bedroom so

235
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,600
Speaker 1: that she could monitor her and so that she could

236
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,439
Speaker 1: really prove that she meant what she said when she

237
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:18,360
Speaker 1: said this girl was in trouble. Anyway, time passes and

238
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,680
Speaker 1: they eventually get back onto talking terms. We're talking weeks

239
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:25,839
Speaker 1: down the track, six eight weeks, and then mum has

240
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:29,720
Speaker 1: this brain wave. She's like me doing the tough stuff

241
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:33,160
Speaker 1: isn't working, has a conversation with her daughter and ends

242
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:36,600
Speaker 1: up buying her a puppy. So fast forward another couple

243
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,680
Speaker 1: of months and they're out on a walk one afternoon

244
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:42,200
Speaker 1: walking the puppy. The relationship has healed a little bit more,

245
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,800
Speaker 1: and while they're chatting about life, they walked past some

246
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,520
Speaker 1: boys not far away in the park who are throwing

247
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,680
Speaker 1: stones at a bird in its nest up in a tree,

248
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,160
Speaker 1: and the mom's just saying, like, what are they doing?

249
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,760
Speaker 1: And the girl's getting really upset, And then the mum

250
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:02,440
Speaker 1: has this flash of inspiration and she says, see how

251
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:06,880
Speaker 1: those boys are throwing the rocks at the bird in

252
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:10,280
Speaker 1: the tree and at the nest, and you're getting really

253
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:15,640
Speaker 1: upset about it. Well, in the same way, the other

254
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,079
Speaker 1: parents of that girl that you were in trouble for

255
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:22,240
Speaker 1: at school, they were that's how they felt. They felt

256
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,079
Speaker 1: like you were throwing stones at their daughter and a

257
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,160
Speaker 1: naest up high in the branches of a tree. And

258
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,719
Speaker 1: this mum described how when she had that conversation with

259
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,480
Speaker 1: her daughter, there was all of a sudden, this massive

260
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,959
Speaker 1: empathy influx, and this girl suddenly realized, Oh, I get it.

261
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:40,920
Speaker 1: I was causing I was causing real harm, Like this

262
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,959
Speaker 1: could have been really, really bad. She said it was

263
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:45,880
Speaker 1: the first time, the first time that she'd cracked it.

264
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,400
Speaker 1: But then as they started to talk more, a very

265
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,679
Speaker 1: important detail that I haven't shared yet came out. As

266
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,120
Speaker 1: they talked about what was going on and the reasons

267
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:58,120
Speaker 1: for this girl's behavior, turns out that about a year

268
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:01,920
Speaker 1: before it all blew up, this lady had lost her husband.

269
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,319
Speaker 1: This girl had lost her dad. He passed away unexpectedly

270
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,160
Speaker 1: and the family was in turmoil, and as a result,

271
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:09,880
Speaker 1: mama had to go back to work. That's why she

272
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,600
Speaker 1: was working in that university professor's lab studying cyberbuilding. That's

273
00:14:13,679 --> 00:14:15,640
Speaker 1: why she wasn't available to her daughter. That's why her

274
00:14:15,679 --> 00:14:18,160
Speaker 1: daughter was so upset. Doesn't excuse the behavior, but it

275
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,080
Speaker 1: helps to understand why this girl was just reeling. She

276
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,760
Speaker 1: didn't have the support that she needed, and unfortunately, like

277
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,160
Speaker 1: too many people, because she was hurt, she decided to

278
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:29,920
Speaker 1: lash out in an unproductive and unhelpful way. The solution

279
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:35,000
Speaker 1: is not fear. The solution is not tyranny. The solution

280
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:36,360
Speaker 1: is not anger.

281
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,000
Speaker 4: Well, she would never have had that conversation if she

282
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,720
Speaker 4: had a continued with the same line approach that she

283
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,200
Speaker 4: had in the beginning. So as you said, it's why

284
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:45,880
Speaker 4: it's taken so.

285
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:48,400
Speaker 1: Long, that's right. And as you said, when we kind

286
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,880
Speaker 1: of deviated off the script a little bit with the

287
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:52,160
Speaker 1: story that you shared that I couldn't really remember. In

288
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:56,480
Speaker 1: the first part of the podcast, you said, we need softness,

289
00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:59,400
Speaker 1: and it's not softness because we're going to let the

290
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,400
Speaker 1: kids get away with everything, nor are we going to

291
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,440
Speaker 1: pander to their poor little feelings. It's not that kind

292
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:09,080
Speaker 1: of gentle parenting softness. It's softness as in, I'm going

293
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:12,040
Speaker 1: to create a level of safety here where you and

294
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:16,480
Speaker 1: I can problem solve. And the best problem solving in

295
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:20,920
Speaker 1: an incident like this is problem solving through empathy. We

296
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:24,280
Speaker 1: want our child to be able to take the perspective

297
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:28,880
Speaker 1: of the victim, of the person who's being bullied in

298
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:32,840
Speaker 1: this case, of the Hispanic kid who's now being threatened

299
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,080
Speaker 1: because Trump's going to send the Ice agents in and

300
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:36,480
Speaker 1: deport you.

301
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:37,440
Speaker 2: Right.

302
00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,520
Speaker 1: So, if we can have empathy, if we can help

303
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,560
Speaker 1: our children to experience empathy, to take the perspective of

304
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,800
Speaker 1: another person, to stand in their shoes, we can have

305
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:53,680
Speaker 1: much more productive conversations around solving the problem of unkindness, cruelty, bullying.

306
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,200
Speaker 4: But that only happens when we are able to step

307
00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:00,320
Speaker 4: into the shoes of empathy ourselves.

308
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, and see how our child is feeling and engage

309
00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:04,560
Speaker 1: with them at that level.

310
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:09,000
Speaker 4: Like, that's the step that parents miss so often because

311
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:14,000
Speaker 4: our natural response is to crack down, get hard, be harsh. Ye,

312
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:18,280
Speaker 4: And yet if we would take the opposite approach, we

313
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:22,640
Speaker 4: actually get to show our kids in real time, what

314
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:26,240
Speaker 4: it looks like to take someone else's perspective in that moment.

315
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:31,240
Speaker 1: Here's my prorocative take that dad, that grandparent. They became

316
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:32,920
Speaker 1: bullies to that little girl.

317
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:34,960
Speaker 4: Yeah, the big person wins.

318
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:39,280
Speaker 1: They just repeated the process exactly exactly. They didn't help her,

319
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,200
Speaker 1: they didn't teach her. We need to wrap this up.

320
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,240
Speaker 1: Our time is well and truly done. Let me say

321
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,720
Speaker 1: this really clearly. Don't get your parenting advice from social media.

322
00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:50,520
Speaker 1: And if you are getting it from social media, make

323
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,720
Speaker 1: sure it's from people who are credible and who have

324
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:55,960
Speaker 1: actually got solutions and something to share with you that works.

325
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:59,480
Speaker 1: Because this sort of stuff making it into our mainstream

326
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:03,360
Speaker 1: media and turning into part of the parenting discourse, the

327
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,400
Speaker 1: narrative that's in our community, it's going to damage kids,

328
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,119
Speaker 1: it's going to damage families, and it's going to lead

329
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,280
Speaker 1: to negative outcomes, not positive outcomes. Hopefully, the stuff that

330
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:15,280
Speaker 1: we've shared just now provides some more hopeful and helpful

331
00:17:15,359 --> 00:17:17,600
Speaker 1: ways forward if you and your family are struggling with

332
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:20,600
Speaker 1: these kinds of challenges. The Happy Families podcast is produced

333
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,560
Speaker 1: by Justin roll On from Bridge Media. Mim Hammond's provides

334
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,480
Speaker 1: our additional support for the pod, and if you'd like

335
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,440
Speaker 1: more info to make your family happy, we'd love for

336
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:31,400
Speaker 1: you to check us out at happyfamilies dot com dot

337
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,479
Speaker 1: au or jump onto our social pages