Speaker 1: Do tell me lah do me definitely need to do
Speaker 1: a music video. Yeah, oh no, no to me laugh,
Speaker 1: tell me to me Lae.
Speaker 2: Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. My name is Matty
Speaker 2: Jane and this is a podcast all about parenting. It's
Speaker 2: the good, the bad, and the relatable. And if you
Speaker 2: have come here hoping wishing that you may get some
Speaker 2: level of advice, no chance, no sorry. But if you
Speaker 2: want to laugh at Two Dads.
Speaker 1: You keep no idea, make a mistake.
Speaker 2: I then get comfortable.
Speaker 1: Yes, absolutely, settle in for I don't know how long
Speaker 1: this episode is going to go for it this stage.
Speaker 1: Settle in for chaos. I got nothing. I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: let Matt ste this one. I'm just gonna nod politely
Speaker 1: for the hour.
Speaker 2: Was ashes Mike not turned on. No, he was just
Speaker 2: having a bit of a down to day.
Speaker 1: He was just nodding, just nothing, but nodding, what do
Speaker 1: you mean.
Speaker 2: As we were walking back from a little coffee run
Speaker 2: this morning before we started recording, a lady in a pram.
Speaker 2: As we were passing her, she just looked at us,
Speaker 2: gave us a smile and said, I love the podcast.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, And well I didn't know what to say.
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was like, oh, I'm gonna mention this on
Speaker 2: the podcast. You never grab a name. That's the first
Speaker 2: time it's ever happened for you. Alright, you legend.
Speaker 1: Big dog over here. I've got a lot of fans. Man,
Speaker 1: It's happened to me once in the shop, once or twice.
Speaker 1: It's in the shop and someone's actually said, oh, like,
Speaker 1: I love the podcast. Great, how did you ad? I
Speaker 1: was like, fuck off your peasants. No. I was like,
Speaker 1: obviously very grateful, Like that's great. I love that. I'm
Speaker 1: just waiting for someone to come and be like, your
Speaker 1: podcast sucks. No one thinks you're funny.
Speaker 2: You fuck with it'll happen. It'll happen to trains on
Speaker 2: the way up and we're enjoying the ride.
Speaker 1: I actually had a guy say to me. He's a
Speaker 1: friend of a friend, and he said to me, after
Speaker 1: a few beers in a bit of banter because we
Speaker 1: went opposite football teams, he said to me, I thought
Speaker 1: you'd be funny when he met me. He said, I
Speaker 1: thought you'd be funny. My wife and I thought you'd
Speaker 1: be funny, but you're obviously not. And my mate chimed
Speaker 1: in and I said, you're one of those guys who
Speaker 1: asked comedians to tell them a joke, can't you? Because
Speaker 1: what am I supposed to be funny all the fucking time? No?
Speaker 2: Who is this person? Someone did say there's a funny
Speaker 2: one between you and me.
Speaker 1: I'm definitely you, and I don't know. I'm the sweet,
Speaker 1: loving kind one.
Speaker 2: But they said, I'm not going to mention who was.
Speaker 2: Then I'm just gonna leave it like that.
Speaker 1: We're going we've got to stoush it out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, who's the funny one. They also said that I
Speaker 2: swear more, which was a surprise to them, which.
Speaker 1: I think is yeah, look I do a lot under
Speaker 1: my breath. Yeah, very good at hiding though.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you've really dialed back the swearing. Yeah, who the
Speaker 2: fuck are you?
Speaker 1: I'm maturing.
Speaker 2: I wonder if roles will become reverse, Like in six
Speaker 2: months time, hopefully we're still here, it'll be the pis
Speaker 2: head and I'll be the athlete, ye, and you're there,
Speaker 2: like I loved or your DMS.
Speaker 1: I can't. I'm trying to just do the odd one.
Speaker 1: So people were like, they're like, oh my god, that's responded,
Speaker 1: and it feels more special. I'm more of that sort
Speaker 1: of person where I treat you mean, keep king, do
Speaker 1: you know what you're needy?
Speaker 2: Guilty? Yeah, And this will make it sound like I'm
Speaker 2: just trying to toot my own horn here ash, which
Speaker 2: is not the case.
Speaker 1: Once an episode's okay, But.
Speaker 2: Someone messaged us on two doting dads and asked for
Speaker 2: help on how to use an editing app called Splice,
Speaker 2: and I was like, send me a photo of the problem,
Speaker 2: and I troubleshot the problem. I'm now like it support
Speaker 2: tech support for because that's what we fucking need to do.
Speaker 1: Encourage it. You're just going to get people, especially it's
Speaker 1: a community.
Speaker 2: I'm building the community of people. And hey, if you
Speaker 2: need help with your computer, if you need help with
Speaker 2: editing a video, now come this way. This guy, Hey,
Speaker 2: don't know what to cook for dinner? Ask me.
Speaker 1: I don't mind that I would like to see that
Speaker 1: because I would.
Speaker 2: No matter what the request, I am here to help.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Okay, Well I'm not.
Speaker 2: Okay, And that's fine. That's fine because people know that
Speaker 2: they message us at the standard, they already know that
Speaker 2: you're not reading at.
Speaker 1: The start of the message, like obviously this is not
Speaker 1: for aDNA. Look, I'm the more interactive in person sort
Speaker 1: of one. Yes, I don't know, Yeah I am, I
Speaker 1: don't know what I am. Matthew better be here. They've
Speaker 1: been running competition all through July finding bitcoins in cans.
Speaker 2: Have you found a bit coin and just not told me?
Speaker 1: Yes? I have, but we'll talk about that later. In
Speaker 1: addition to that, though, there's actually a third bit coin.
Speaker 1: There's three, There is three.
Speaker 2: Three getting round.
Speaker 1: This third one's a bit more of a lottery. So
Speaker 1: if you buy a Better Beer from any participating bar
Speaker 1: throughout July, you'll receive a scratch card with a unique code. Now, Matthew,
Speaker 1: all you need to do is upload the information from
Speaker 1: that scratch card into the Winter Bitcoin page at Betterbeer
Speaker 1: dot Com TODAYU and presto, you're in the drier.
Speaker 2: Question for you, Ash, could I enter let's say, like
Speaker 2: six times in a day? Is that possible?
Speaker 1: No? You can only enter once a day for the
Speaker 1: month of July. And I didn't even know that you
Speaker 1: could do this through a bar. I thought it was
Speaker 1: just a can. So I'm just at home cracking open cans.
Speaker 2: So now you're going to have to have like one
Speaker 2: beer at home, then one in the pub.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because that's me answering every day.
Speaker 2: It's an investment. I'm not doing it because I just
Speaker 2: love the taste of better Beer. I'm doing it because
Speaker 2: I want to deposit for a house.
Speaker 1: Absolutely. And of course they've created a tap locator on
Speaker 1: their website. So if you go to betterb dot com
Speaker 1: dot the U forward slash pages forward slash win our
Speaker 1: Bitcoin Australia.
Speaker 2: Now, we do have to say that if you live
Speaker 2: in the States of South Australia ACT or NT, you
Speaker 2: picked the wrong states.
Speaker 1: To live in and move immediately.
Speaker 2: They are the ninety states and you can't be involved.
Speaker 2: For everybody else, good luck. You look a little bit
Speaker 2: tanned today, been in the sun, been out and about.
Speaker 1: I tried to serve yesterday, but honestly, motivation levels were
Speaker 1: low yesterday. And I did tell you that it happened
Speaker 1: again yesterday.
Speaker 2: What you shoot yourself?
Speaker 1: No no, no, no, no, no no no. The paper
Speaker 1: bag incident. It's fuck this one because like I just
Speaker 1: a ducked in to get dinner stuff for the week,
Speaker 1: one beautiful paper bags worth middle of the shopping center
Speaker 1: and I heard it go before I could stop it,
Speaker 1: and the handle just went straight off and it fucking
Speaker 1: spread out everywhere. Well, like you heard the strain of
Speaker 1: the p it went boom.
Speaker 2: I imagine that's what it would have sounded like on
Speaker 2: the sub that was going down to the Titanic. Yeah,
Speaker 2: just that moment it's about to fucking happen.
Speaker 1: Implosion. Yeah, next thing and this look. Arguably this is
Speaker 1: worse than the submarine.
Speaker 2: I'd say, on part what did you lose? Grow through?
Speaker 2: Wise because you didn't even pick him up?
Speaker 1: No, idd in the end, it did. I honestly, deep
Speaker 1: breath in. It was sy hands on knees, defeated man
Speaker 1: in the middle of a shopping center, and not one
Speaker 1: motherfucker helped me pick this shit up.
Speaker 2: Why would anyone help you?
Speaker 1: That's fair not I mean, like you just if you.
Speaker 2: Had a child in arm, then it warrants.
Speaker 1: Some just a kay Karen his groceries.
Speaker 2: Let me ask you this. If you saw a young
Speaker 2: man on his hands and knees trying to reach for
Speaker 2: the pasta and the sauce and there's an apple that's
Speaker 2: rolling away, would you stop and help?
Speaker 1: Absolutely? Fuck I'd probably take a photo of him, motherfucker. Yeah, pathetic,
Speaker 1: But I carried it. I just literally stacked it up,
Speaker 1: put it back in the bag, but carried it like
Speaker 1: I was carrying like a had like a dead body.
Speaker 2: Did you get home, walk inside your house and then
Speaker 2: you start crying.
Speaker 1: Well it was fun because I just go off the
Speaker 1: phone to you and I was telling you how much
Speaker 1: of a sad boy day I was having, just a
Speaker 1: little Monday sad boy day.
Speaker 2: Was it the fact that mainly keep losing every game.
Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about that. No, we hang
Speaker 1: on a minute. We beat the Roosters, just it was
Speaker 1: a rollercoaster of a game, and then we lose to
Speaker 1: the Cowboys. Cowboys are red hot at the moment, so
Speaker 1: fair enough. I'm not that upset about it. Honestly, I
Speaker 1: don't remember most of the game because I was hammured.
Speaker 1: But yeah, look it's just a bit of sad boy Monday.
Speaker 1: Then I had to get back in the car and
Speaker 1: ring you up and tell you what happened again, because
Speaker 1: it was sad.
Speaker 2: The hardest thing about those phone calls from you, the
Speaker 2: fact that we're so far up heart, you know, we're
Speaker 2: a fifty minute drive.
Speaker 1: Come and to hug me, and all I want to do.
Speaker 2: Is just have you in my arm, hold you time
Speaker 2: that's and whisper in your ear. It's going to be okay.
Speaker 1: Actually I wanted to. This is completely off topic, but
Speaker 1: it's back on topic of parenting.
Speaker 2: What is it now?
Speaker 1: Do your kids try and take their toys to kindy ah?
Speaker 1: Why they've got a whole kindy full of them. I
Speaker 1: get that they want to show it off. Get that totally.
Speaker 1: And we got an email, like the community got an email,
Speaker 1: not just not just like hey, Oskar's done reply or
Speaker 1: your reply. He's not stealing toys. He's actually bringing toys
Speaker 1: to you in and leaving them here.
Speaker 2: Because do you what's your policy there with the daycare?
Speaker 2: Do they give you, like any instructions on what you
Speaker 2: can and can't bring?
Speaker 1: They just like, don't bring your toys. And that's a
Speaker 1: fair call because you know, then they get possessed over
Speaker 1: there toys. There's fights like Oscar, he's left toys there before,
Speaker 1: and then it's a big drama. We get home and
Speaker 1: then it's like some other kids taken it home.
Speaker 2: There's nothing worse. Shoots me to tears when it comes
Speaker 2: time to put in the kids to bed, and Marley
Speaker 2: will be like where's my unicorn? And she's left it
Speaker 2: at daycare and then always wants the one that she's
Speaker 2: got like fucking ten toys on rotation, and it's just
Speaker 2: always the one that she wants, which isn't in the house.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Oscar, when he was a little bit younger, used
Speaker 1: to sleep with every toy he owned, And I will
Speaker 1: find this photo for you of his cot. There's no
Speaker 1: room for him in there, but he insisted, and he
Speaker 1: had every single one and he used to line them
Speaker 1: up like perfectly.
Speaker 2: I've seen on stories on Instagram he gets his little
Speaker 2: cars and he lines up his cars. Was he doing
Speaker 2: that in the cot with the cars?
Speaker 1: With cars everything?
Speaker 2: So he's not gone for like a Teddy Bear.
Speaker 1: He had the Teddy Bears in there too. They have
Speaker 1: their own section. I'll find the photo for you. April
Speaker 1: definitely has the photo because we were like, we need
Speaker 1: to stop because it just he just kept a king
Speaker 1: emulating he was a hoarder in the bed and then
Speaker 1: eventually we were like, okay, you can have one or two,
Speaker 1: and like now he has one or two when he
Speaker 1: goes to bed, but the going to the KINDI he
Speaker 1: wants to take something. He's like Can I take this? No?
Speaker 1: Can I take this? And April and I don't line
Speaker 1: up on the yes and no sometimes where.
Speaker 2: It's so hard you want to take the path of
Speaker 2: lease resistance.
Speaker 1: Yes, he'll play us off each other. Now where he'd
Speaker 1: be like Mummy said I can, and I'm like, did
Speaker 1: you Well, Mummy's not in charge and April's in the
Speaker 1: background in charge. But it's got to the point where
Speaker 1: I have to frisk my own kid before letting them
Speaker 1: into the kindy. I'm doing the pat down. And yesterday
Speaker 1: he got away with one that have parted, so he
Speaker 1: got he had a kind of surprise to him. What
Speaker 1: he's done is he's deconstructed it and separated it into
Speaker 1: different pockets, so it wasn't you couldn't tell. And then
Speaker 1: when I picked him up in the afternoon and he
Speaker 1: was like, look what I've got, And I was like,
Speaker 1: so you've had that in your pocket all.
Speaker 2: Day, just like stashing these up as rectum. I'm going
Speaker 2: to go to the toilet.
Speaker 1: He's like pooping it out so it doesn't burst anyway.
Speaker 1: It's going to be a really good drug meal. When
Speaker 1: he's older.
Speaker 2: I'm always like in the morning, whatever the kids want,
Speaker 2: I'm pretty shit and disciplining.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well there was an email that was saying, hey,
Speaker 1: stop letting your kids bring their toys to kindy sorry
Speaker 1: or to daycare or whatever. I can't remember what it said,
Speaker 1: but look, that's fair, but it's just another battle.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: First of all, they're stealing toys. Now, he's trying to
Speaker 1: Why are you trying.
Speaker 2: To make life so difficult for me? My kids are
Speaker 2: the same, and they have kind of said in my daycare.
Speaker 2: I'm sure it's the same everywhere, Like, like you said,
Speaker 2: we don't want their personal toys being brought in because
Speaker 2: it just kicks off. It does, Yeah, because kids can
Speaker 2: understand everybody wants to share it.
Speaker 1: They also say like, I don't know if you kids
Speaker 1: these toos, like says like another kid's name. It's like, oh,
Speaker 1: he's allowed to bring his toys in, trying to convince
Speaker 1: you to let him.
Speaker 2: Gosh, they're clever, aren't they. Gosh, they're clever?
Speaker 1: Why they're not? They're fucking stupid. We've been over this.
Speaker 1: But they're also like they've also got a little clever
Speaker 1: piece about them.
Speaker 2: Marley and Lola now bring a second bag filled with shit,
Speaker 2: filled with their toys. So they don't just bring that
Speaker 2: little knickknacks like one or two. They bring a full
Speaker 2: second bag, which I try and like hide as just
Speaker 2: being a bag of maybe spare clothes, because you get
Speaker 2: where we go to daycare, there's a little like a
Speaker 2: little shelf with buckets where the kids put their bags.
Speaker 2: And then as I drop her off, I try and
Speaker 2: I pray that Lola doesn't open that second bag full
Speaker 2: of toys whilst I'm still there because I.
Speaker 1: Have to take them. So you're helping them.
Speaker 2: Yes, I'm complicit in this. I'm the enabler.
Speaker 1: You're helping them actually smuggle, Yes, contraband it's.
Speaker 2: Not even it's not even smuggling in the sense of
Speaker 2: like someone strapping heroin to their legs. It's someone literally,
Speaker 2: like with a bag of heroin walking through the airport.
Speaker 2: That's the type of smuggling that they're doing, just going
Speaker 2: through the security and I just try and dump them
Speaker 2: there as quickly as I can and then I'm out,
Speaker 2: get out of there. And it's always but then it's
Speaker 2: when I pick them up and the I'm like, oh,
Speaker 2: I got your water bottle, got your bag, and they're
Speaker 2: like and this is yours and this.
Speaker 1: Is yours name.
Speaker 2: How did that get there?
Speaker 1: Well, you know what we talked about, they'd be doubling
Speaker 1: you into they'd be like, daddy, let us do it.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah yeah, And it's hard. I don't want to say, like,
Speaker 2: don't tell anybody. Secrets are bad.
Speaker 1: I know. And that's it. Like I said, I've caught
Speaker 1: April sneaking chocolate into the Kindie. I just know that
Speaker 1: she's letting him sneak toys in and being like, don't
Speaker 1: do because there's times I've opened his bag and seen
Speaker 1: one of his toys in there, thinking that we didn't
Speaker 1: send him with any toys, and April has taught him
Speaker 1: how to sneak things in. A is just a bad parent.
Speaker 1: She's not just full disclosure so that I can continue
Speaker 1: to have sex in my hand. She is not a
Speaker 1: bad parent.
Speaker 2: Fantastic's great.
Speaker 1: Also, Boby home soon.
Speaker 2: Act's one thing I've realized about becoming a dad is
Speaker 2: it's not a matter of if, it's when you become
Speaker 2: a loser immediately.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I know.
Speaker 1: That's actually very true, because men have this thing where
Speaker 1: we get stuck at a certain point. It's just when
Speaker 1: do you hit that certain point that you get stuck
Speaker 1: and you don't be can't continue on with being relevant?
Speaker 1: Is that where you're going?
Speaker 2: No, I was going to say, it's more so, I'm
Speaker 2: just the things that I'm into now. Sometimes I stop
Speaker 2: myself at nighttime and I look in the mirror and
Speaker 2: I'm like, fuck, it's happened. I'm now a loser. I'm
Speaker 2: a loser of a dad and I should find it.
Speaker 2: But I'm just going to go, what is it You're
Speaker 2: going to go with the time. Okay, So I mentioned
Speaker 2: it the other day. I stayed up last night till midnight.
Speaker 2: I wish I was watching rex hunt fishing.
Speaker 1: Videos after you found out he's getting really old. But
Speaker 1: I was.
Speaker 2: I was up till midnight watching old fishing videos, and
Speaker 2: like I was enthralled.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, look at the Barralmundy,
Speaker 1: you're a fish expert.
Speaker 2: I dream.
Speaker 1: Have you ever caught a fish? Fuck?
Speaker 3: You?
Speaker 2: Legit?
Speaker 1: Question?
Speaker 2: Such a patronizing question, that's such a like look at me,
Speaker 2: look at these hands. You haven't I've caught a flathead before.
Speaker 2: I've been on fishing trips and as I mentioned, becoming a.
Speaker 1: Loser, yes, sorry, no, as am I.
Speaker 2: And also now as well I'm not worrying it at
Speaker 2: the moment. But my watch tracks my my heart rate.
Speaker 2: That's so boring and what I really like doing. I'm
Speaker 2: quite into it now. I wear it at bed and
Speaker 2: I track my sleep so I wake up and for
Speaker 2: what purpose I don't fucking know, nothing really, but I
Speaker 2: wake up.
Speaker 1: You can look back at it and then tell people.
Speaker 2: Literally, I tat Laura on the shoulder, I'm like, can
Speaker 2: you believe I've got official two hours of deep sleep
Speaker 2: and only one sleep?
Speaker 1: Look at this, fellas, and everyone's like, glaz no one.
Speaker 2: I'm yet to meet someone who's interested. Who's interested, I
Speaker 2: tell them the story about my breakdown of how much
Speaker 2: sleep and what level of sleep it was at. But
Speaker 2: I love it. I just fucking love it. And my
Speaker 2: watch told me the other day that my resting heart
Speaker 2: rate has dropped five beats, so because I'm doing a
Speaker 2: bit of exercise at the moment.
Speaker 1: And I look at me like that, God help me
Speaker 1: get through this.
Speaker 2: But I've started tracking my heart rate quite a lot,
Speaker 2: and recently, a couple of nights ago, Laura and I
Speaker 2: had sex. Oh yeah, and I thought to myself, I
Speaker 2: wonder what.
Speaker 1: You want a deep stat.
Speaker 2: That was a good performance.
Speaker 1: You know, when you're watching like NRL and it's got
Speaker 1: like the intensity meet up, You're like, I wonder whose
Speaker 1: intensity is.
Speaker 2: I'm like secretly wanting to put like a heart monitor
Speaker 2: on Laura. You could have put it a bit more effort,
Speaker 2: their baby, and you really slacked off in the last
Speaker 2: few minutes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're going to analyze your performance. We're going to
Speaker 1: come up with a plan of how to improve your
Speaker 1: performance based off these insights.
Speaker 2: I got up to eighty eighty beats permanent.
Speaker 1: There you go, eighty pumps permanent.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I wish you're like a fucking rabbit. And Laura
Speaker 2: came out from the bathroom and she was like, what
Speaker 2: are you doing because I was gross.
Speaker 1: Straight after too. Let me just look back at that
Speaker 1: and let me just check.
Speaker 2: She's like, oh my god, you're not You're not tracking
Speaker 2: your heart right.
Speaker 1: If you just want and exos.
Speaker 2: There was a bloke who found out he got found
Speaker 2: out for cheating through the garment app through Yeah, he
Speaker 2: was like an Apple Watch and I think she must
Speaker 2: have been on the iPad and it showed that he
Speaker 2: had these spikes at like one in the morning when
Speaker 2: he was on business trips.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Yeah, he could have just been peaking.
Speaker 1: That's a ship way to get found out. But you
Speaker 1: could easily weasel your way out of that idiot idiot.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I'm getting up to eighty beats permanent. I'd
Speaker 2: love to know if anyone out there is getting more
Speaker 2: than that.
Speaker 1: We don't want stats.
Speaker 2: We want to know what position was it. Hell, we
Speaker 2: want to know that it's a community.
Speaker 1: As How many beats permanent do you get when you
Speaker 1: haven't a wank?
Speaker 2: I haven't tracked that one yet. It wouldn't be much.
Speaker 2: I'm pretty quiet.
Speaker 1: How many steps do I think you think you're doing
Speaker 1: in the middle of the night.
Speaker 2: I'm doing this for Laura, not for me. That's at
Speaker 2: the end of the day. I'm just trying to be.
Speaker 1: That way to see the spreadsheet and the graph.
Speaker 2: We do an end of month catch up.
Speaker 1: I feel like to get anything done in my house,
Speaker 1: I've got to yell, yes, why are they like this?
Speaker 2: Because your kids hate you?
Speaker 1: All right, that's I've got the answer I needed. Do
Speaker 1: you find that you to get anything done? You've like you?
Speaker 1: They just don't fucking listen to me unless my voice
Speaker 1: is at peak optimum.
Speaker 2: Screen I many times have like watched something on social
Speaker 2: media which very much encourages the gentle parenting narrative, you know,
Speaker 2: like don't raise your voice, kids don't like.
Speaker 1: To just gently hit them.
Speaker 2: And I've tried it, dude, I've tried it. Especially where
Speaker 2: I lose my temper would be the nighttime and coming
Speaker 2: out of that transition from finishing dinner to then going
Speaker 2: into the shower. That's what I find really really difficult.
Speaker 2: And it's always a case of I have to say, like,
Speaker 2: get in a shower now, until the kids are startled,
Speaker 2: and they kind of go like, oh, dad's really getting
Speaker 2: cranky up, better do it now.
Speaker 1: And I said to April, I feel like I spent
Speaker 1: most of my life yelling, and I've tried like as well.
Speaker 1: I've tried to get down to their level do that
Speaker 1: whole thing, and I just find it. I just find
Speaker 1: that I'm yelling at their level down there on my knees,
Speaker 1: like I'm going to counter three.
Speaker 3: Fuck that's where I and I'm counting like w like
Speaker 3: so that there's no they can't hear anything else in
Speaker 3: the house.
Speaker 1: That was like sixty percent of the whole scaring me
Speaker 1: that I've got to yell and mate, what do.
Speaker 2: You neighbors think? Do they ever give a see them.
Speaker 1: And they moved out? No, because she's way worse than me,
Speaker 1: our neighbor.
Speaker 2: So it's just everyone's.
Speaker 1: Everyone's just yelling in the whole complex. But it's like
Speaker 1: you try to get down to their level and go, hey,
Speaker 1: can you please take your clothes off and get in
Speaker 1: the bath? No?
Speaker 2: No, no, even now if I talk like that, they
Speaker 2: don't even like look at me. They don't acknowledge my
Speaker 2: sentence at all, Like it doesn't even it us.
Speaker 1: Do you think I don't? That's definitely not even I'm perfect.
Speaker 2: Am I?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know what it is. But is it like.
Speaker 1: You've got to figure out what type of parenting style
Speaker 1: your kid actually listens to? Is that what it is?
Speaker 1: And we're just like we just go straight from we'll
Speaker 1: try it for one second and if it doesn't work
Speaker 1: for one second.
Speaker 2: I feel like maybe if the child is really shy.
Speaker 2: Marley and Lola are both pretty, like.
Speaker 1: They're pretty, they're pretty, are going.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like you've just got to really make
Speaker 2: a fucking racket.
Speaker 1: For them to listen. Yeah, because I'm a friend of mine,
Speaker 1: I think has figured it out. I've done a little
Speaker 1: bit of testing and it doesn't work.
Speaker 2: So he doing what science experiments with the kids.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so we talked about the other day threatened parenting,
Speaker 1: which is my favorite because he usually gets it done,
Speaker 1: but they're seeing through it a bit. But I had
Speaker 1: a friend over a couple of weeks ago. He listens
Speaker 1: to the pod shout out the menows.
Speaker 2: He love that.
Speaker 1: He's come up with a new type of parenting called
Speaker 1: competitive parenting. And I've mentioned it to you before, but
Speaker 1: I've been doing I said I need to do some
Speaker 1: test first, because what happened was he had his kid
Speaker 1: over same age as Oscar, maybe a little bit younger,
Speaker 1: and I witnessed him essentially get his kid to do
Speaker 1: anything he wanted to do. And I was like, that's
Speaker 1: fucking amazing. How did you do that? And he was like,
Speaker 1: just make everything a competition, especially with a boy. His
Speaker 1: kid was sort of sitting here annoying him.
Speaker 2: So give me an example.
Speaker 1: So, okay, kid was here annoying him. Me and Hi
Speaker 1: were trying to have a conversation, and you know what,
Speaker 1: they're like that don't get it. They're just talking And
Speaker 1: he was like, why don't you go in the trampoline.
Speaker 1: He goes, I bet you that I can jump higher
Speaker 1: than you on that trampoline, and that kid was bam
Speaker 1: straight into the trampoline and I was like, that's great.
Speaker 2: I think that could be a boy thing.
Speaker 1: I want you to try it on the girls.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: Anyway, So same day, and the biggest battle that you
Speaker 1: have with your kids is trying to get them to
Speaker 1: eat dinner. Why. I don't know why. I can prepare
Speaker 1: anything for them and they won't fucking eat it, even
Speaker 1: if it's their favorite thing. But then as soon as
Speaker 1: like dinner's gone, they're like, I want to snack, but trolls. Anyway,
Speaker 1: So he was there, We got the kids dinner and whatever.
Speaker 1: They all sat down and I went upstairs to sort
Speaker 1: of get Macy's room ready and come back down and
Speaker 1: both of my kids had eaten all of their food,
Speaker 1: and I'll I was like, what did you do? How
Speaker 1: did you do it? Teach me how you did this?
Speaker 1: And he was just like, I ate it. He's like,
Speaker 1: I made it a competition. I was like, what do
Speaker 1: you mean? I said, I said that I can eat
Speaker 1: way faster than you, I can eat way more than
Speaker 1: you and they just gobbled that shit up.
Speaker 2: Have you gone from a yeller to a competitive.
Speaker 1: No, I'm still yelling. I've tried it a few times,
Speaker 1: and I've noticed April's sort of calling onto it too.
Speaker 1: It's like I can get in the bath first, straight
Speaker 1: up there, into the bath. So it's working with a
Speaker 1: few things. But I want to ask you, because you've
Speaker 1: got two girls. I want you so next episode, just
Speaker 1: maybe between now and then, you give it a go.
Speaker 1: Just try it for dinner time. Tell me what it's
Speaker 1: going to be like next week and if it worked
Speaker 1: or if it was a disaster. But I'm trying to
Speaker 1: figure it out because I'm sick of fucking yelling.
Speaker 2: But i feel like I'm sure it'll work for a
Speaker 2: week and then the kids will underigure it and what
Speaker 2: I'm doing. They're like, actually, there's no prize at the.
Speaker 1: End of this.
Speaker 2: This motherfucker is trying to con me.
Speaker 1: Is there not that smart? All that times I'm asking
Speaker 1: you to give it a go, I'll do it. I've
Speaker 1: asked you to do it, not on the pod, and
Speaker 1: you can ignore me. So now I'm going to hold
Speaker 1: you account.
Speaker 2: Okay, give me a week. I'll come back next week
Speaker 2: and I'll tell you exactly how it went.
Speaker 1: And for anyone listening. If you've got a different parenting
Speaker 1: style other than the not like gentle parenting, what else
Speaker 1: is there? Also? Gentle parenting is fucking boring.
Speaker 2: You want a bit of spice, and want a bit
Speaker 2: of spiced You don't want to be.
Speaker 1: Like Okay, little Timmy, what you do now is you
Speaker 1: please wash your hands.
Speaker 2: You want to feel alive when your parents.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't want to have to yell, but like,
Speaker 1: I want to enjoy some of it. I don't want
Speaker 1: to be like gentle parents in public. Like it's a
Speaker 1: bit cringey when you talk to your kids in baby
Speaker 1: voice as a man in public. Boo boo oh, shut up, dick,
Speaker 1: cringe button. Guilty, Yes you are guilty, but anyway, that's
Speaker 1: where I'm at. I'm sick of yelling. Try it. If
Speaker 1: you've got any other parenting hacks, it's not a hack,
Speaker 1: it's a style. I'm going with style because hacks could
Speaker 1: be anything. If I want styles, It's continuous. Okayse's threatened
Speaker 1: parenting is a great one, but you know, there's also bribery.
Speaker 1: There's also competitive parenting, which I've mentioned, there's gentle pairing,
Speaker 1: which is boring as fuck. What else you.
Speaker 2: Got speaking of hacks, Ash, it's time for your favorite segment.
Speaker 1: Tell me loud, tell me.
Speaker 2: All right, Ash, I'm going to kick off with the
Speaker 2: first line that we've had submitted. This one comes from Linda,
Speaker 2: who has messaged us on two doting dads on Instagram
Speaker 2: to which is the best way to contact us? Because Lida,
Speaker 2: I am always there's definitely.
Speaker 1: A previous generation's name Linda.
Speaker 2: She looks quite young. She looks quite young.
Speaker 1: No one now called Linda.
Speaker 2: I like the name Linda. I'm not saying that if
Speaker 2: I have a third child, will call him.
Speaker 1: Her Linda little Linda Johnson.
Speaker 2: Okay, so Linda has a lie, she says. So we
Speaker 2: generally do off the grid camping. So when it's cold,
Speaker 2: we give our two boys who are six and four,
Speaker 2: hot water bottles this winter at home, even though it's
Speaker 2: heated beautifully, they insist on having the hot water bottles.
Speaker 2: I tell them I'll do it before I go to
Speaker 2: bed late at night when it's cooler. Then she fills
Speaker 2: up the water bottles that's filled with water and place
Speaker 2: it in their bed so when they wake up in
Speaker 2: the morning, they think they've received a hot water bottle
Speaker 2: when in fact, Ash she just puts in cold water.
Speaker 1: See gas lighting them.
Speaker 2: She says it saves on time, and she's also being
Speaker 2: water wise. Well are you, Linda, I mean first point, Yeah,
Speaker 2: you are saving the time. It's the same amount of water.
Speaker 2: Oh maybe because the water's evaporating. She's really looking at
Speaker 2: exact quantities here, partially being water.
Speaker 1: I think she's probably thinking like she's saving hot water, Matthew,
Speaker 1: other than cold.
Speaker 2: Water, she said. She says, water, Linda, I don't mean
Speaker 2: to attack you here.
Speaker 1: Let's do it. Attacked her name.
Speaker 2: Well, she ends up and says, in the morning, they're
Speaker 2: always so happy, and they tell her how warm they've
Speaker 2: slept with a hot water bottle.
Speaker 1: Idiots, you've just been gas lighted. Kids. If these kids
Speaker 1: are listening, it's a ruse six and four.
Speaker 2: Let's hope, let's pray that they're not listening to this podcast.
Speaker 1: Look, they've just been These kids are just being gaslighted.
Speaker 2: That I do. Sometimes Marley will be like, I want
Speaker 2: to drink of water, and I go, I'll get it
Speaker 2: in just a second, and I closed the door.
Speaker 1: So hang on a minute. You're just letting your kids dehydrate.
Speaker 1: That's very ea different because.
Speaker 2: She she's just stalling. She's drunk, she's hydrated.
Speaker 1: She's just finished a bottle of wine. She's traded.
Speaker 2: He doesn't want to water.
Speaker 1: No, Yeah, she's stalling. It's like Oscar's got this thing
Speaker 1: where he before going to bed, he's like sleep tight.
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh no, sleep time, sleep tight, sleep tight,
Speaker 1: sleep t So last night we were in We're all
Speaker 1: in our bed, me, Oscar, and April, not Macy. She's
Speaker 1: fast sleep and it was like, okay, budd, it's time
Speaker 1: to go to bed. And he's like, okay, we've got
Speaker 1: to say sleep tight to me. Five times. I was like, okay, freak,
Speaker 1: you need to put an end to that. It was
Speaker 1: way more than five times. It was like sleep tight
Speaker 1: walking out the door, sleep tight, sleep time, sleep time,
Speaker 1: sleep time, sleep tight, sleep tight sleep But he's just stalling.
Speaker 1: So yeah, look, I get what you're saying. With the
Speaker 1: water things, like he used to do the thing where
Speaker 1: he'd be like, I want to drink of water and
Speaker 1: his bottle was like right next to him, sippy bottle
Speaker 1: right to like it's right next to like, can you
Speaker 1: hand it to me anyone. It's just stalling. So I
Speaker 1: get it.
Speaker 2: I told you, mate, they're clever, they know what they're doing.
Speaker 1: I don't believe it.
Speaker 2: Let's go the second life.
Speaker 1: Okay, so this lie comes from go on. I think
Speaker 1: it's Alice. That's just a different way to spell Alice.
Speaker 1: At least, at last, let's go yeah, okay, yeah, at
Speaker 1: least I'm with you.
Speaker 2: At least could be both whatever a less a.
Speaker 1: Look, I waste enough energy. I'm trying to pronounce that
Speaker 1: person's name and he's just move on. Hey. So the
Speaker 1: lie I tell my two year old daughter is if
Speaker 1: she is refusing to have her pooey nappy change, I
Speaker 1: will tell her the flyers will come in the house
Speaker 1: and get her. First of all, I want to know
Speaker 1: by what you mean by get her.
Speaker 2: I wonder if she ever sees flies outside and she's.
Speaker 1: Like it's happening, traumatiz coming. I know there's all these
Speaker 1: there's all these therapists out there just rubbing their hands.
Speaker 1: I can't wait till your of age and I can
Speaker 1: get into that little brain of yours and your mother's wallet.
Speaker 1: There's just like this kid, like, especially if they were
Speaker 1: at KINDI or something like that. And they've clearly done
Speaker 1: a ship and they just see a fly. They're like, oh, no.
Speaker 2: It's happening.
Speaker 1: She wasn't lying, just getting running away from all these flies.
Speaker 2: But if you're a parent out there causing any temporary
Speaker 2: psychological damage to your children.
Speaker 1: With drama trauma, we want to know about it.
Speaker 2: Please tell us. Submit your best lie to two doting
Speaker 2: dads on Instagram and we will incorrectly say your name
Speaker 2: and reveal the status segment.
Speaker 1: It's like, how do we fuck this person's name up?
Speaker 2: Please be very specific regarding the pronunciation ash. We should
Speaker 2: do some listener questions we should do. We'll go with
Speaker 2: two today, as we always do anymore, and I think.
Speaker 1: It would be too risky anymore. I've lost interest. But
Speaker 1: so two is good, short and sharp.
Speaker 2: First question is I'm assuming this is coming from a female.
Speaker 2: They ask, do dads purposely take thirty minute poos to
Speaker 2: get out of looking after the kids?
Speaker 1: Yes? And thirty minutes is an amateur hour.
Speaker 2: What's the longest pooh you've ever taken?
Speaker 1: My wife still thinks some on the toilet. No, thirty
Speaker 1: minutes is pretty good. Look, it's no good for you
Speaker 1: to sit there you get piles.
Speaker 2: What's piles like camorrhoids? Right, it's not good for you,
Speaker 2: but surely just sitting there relaxing in that position, it's
Speaker 2: really bad.
Speaker 1: It's really bad. Yeah. I'm not a doctor, but that's
Speaker 1: what I was told. Hang on a minute, that I've
Speaker 1: been lied could be the case.
Speaker 2: Female doctors were like, we need to fucking battle this
Speaker 2: issue right now. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, they really got us with this one.
Speaker 2: It's the only time and place where you can really
Speaker 2: get some reprieve from the kids. Yeah, Like there's I
Speaker 2: guess mowing the lawn is another one where you're like,
Speaker 2: this is dangerous and it's loud. Kids get away from me,
Speaker 2: and no one talked to me for at least an hour.
Speaker 2: Yeah no, and then like I love to look after you,
Speaker 2: but you're doing shit.
Speaker 1: Paul Rudd sums it up really well. And this is
Speaker 1: forty when his missus opens the door and you're sitting
Speaker 1: there playing like scrabble or something, and she's like, you've
Speaker 1: been in here for ages and it's like, what are
Speaker 1: you doing? It doesn't even smell. She's like, I've been
Speaker 1: flushing as I go.
Speaker 2: Have you ever been sprung by April? With like your
Speaker 2: pants already up, like you're just sitting on the toilet.
Speaker 1: No, nah, I've prepared. Yeah, you got to stay prepared.
Speaker 2: You got to commit.
Speaker 1: Commit. I look when she starts to make noises like
Speaker 1: louder and louder noises outside the bathroom, like she's fed up,
Speaker 1: then I'll go, I'll put the lim Now is time
Speaker 1: I better fart so it smells because I didn't do
Speaker 1: anything and I'm just mosey out.
Speaker 2: It's always it's I.
Speaker 1: Get in more trouble if I need to go.
Speaker 2: Back and actually and actually do one.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like later it's like again and you're like, yes,
Speaker 1: I'm going back for a courtesy wipe.
Speaker 2: It's it's always an issue when I'm like resting with
Speaker 2: my fist on my cheek and I've got a red mark,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh, I can't. I've already been in
Speaker 2: here for so long that I can't call any long ago,
Speaker 2: and Laura is like, what's wrong with your face?
Speaker 1: I don't unresting. Yeah, it's like you get it on
Speaker 1: your thighs the red mart because you're on your phone.
Speaker 2: Mums must do that as well. It's not just guys.
Speaker 2: Sure that's a month thing. Also, do you reckon?
Speaker 1: I think they're more like get it done because they
Speaker 1: just think it's icky.
Speaker 2: No, I reckon. There's got to be moms out there
Speaker 2: listening right now who have gone Yeah, hand up, I'm
Speaker 2: guilty of doing like a fake shit.
Speaker 1: Oh surely, yeah, there would be.
Speaker 2: To get away from the family.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's fair place.
Speaker 2: It's not just the guys right, Like we.
Speaker 1: Were so like Sunday just gone. It was like a
Speaker 1: wet weather day. It was like nothing happened and was
Speaker 1: stuck inside and it was like three o'clock. April's gonna
Speaker 1: hear this, It's gonna get in trouble whatever. And it
Speaker 1: was like what time are we bathing? And bathing? And
Speaker 1: she ate bed and bloody, blah blah. She was like, oh,
Speaker 1: ten past six, it was three o'clock. I'm like three hours.
Speaker 1: Oh I got a pooh after the toilet and yeah,
Speaker 1: forty five minutes later, make my way back out.
Speaker 2: That was a big one, babe, forty five minutes.
Speaker 1: Nice. She knows, April, she knows. She knows too late.
Speaker 1: Now we're married. So, Matthew, question number two during birth,
Speaker 1: did you stay up the safe end or did you
Speaker 1: watch everything unfold as you will.
Speaker 2: I very much stayed up towards Laura's head, held her
Speaker 2: hand end and try to comfort her as much as
Speaker 2: I could.
Speaker 1: Husband of the Year.
Speaker 2: Because I hate blood.
Speaker 1: Like I hate vaginas.
Speaker 2: I can't I can't stand the sight of blood. In
Speaker 2: that show on tv RPA and they show a bit
Speaker 2: of surgery like that, I can't watch any of that.
Speaker 1: My friends, Like my friend is like, he's not a surgeon,
Speaker 1: but he sits in surgeries because he's like manages the
Speaker 1: equipment and he always tries to show me photos and stuff.
Speaker 1: I'm like, fuck off, dude, Like I don't need I'm queasy.
Speaker 1: We spoke on this podcast how I got Sea sick
Speaker 1: during the ultra Imagine what I'd be like if I
Speaker 1: went down the wrong end.
Speaker 2: Well, did you have a little did you have it
Speaker 2: like a peak? Did you have to curiosity to get
Speaker 2: the better of you?
Speaker 1: So I won't tell you the full story, yeah.
Speaker 2: Because we actually we've spoken about doing a purpose of
Speaker 2: our birthing story, so we won't reveal everything right now.
Speaker 1: We'll save that. But both of that one emergency sea
Speaker 1: section one it was a C section, so there is
Speaker 1: a safe end. So with the first one. Definitely didn't
Speaker 1: take a look. I didn't take a look. But one
Speaker 1: thing I will tell you is that when we did
Speaker 1: have to go off to the emergency sea section, I
Speaker 1: did have to step over a large pool on the
Speaker 1: ground from April. Sorry babe, but we'll talk about that
Speaker 1: another time.
Speaker 2: Such a teaser.
Speaker 1: And also also when you do a C section, they
Speaker 1: drop the curtain. I was like, put it. But I
Speaker 1: have a friend of mine who went and had a look.
Speaker 1: I think it was his second kid, he's got three kids.
Speaker 1: But he told me the story and just be mindful,
Speaker 1: this is not my story and you're hearing it secondhand.
Speaker 1: He took a look at the other end and felt
Speaker 1: a bit like a bit queasy about it. And he thought,
Speaker 1: I was just gonna remove myself from a situation a
Speaker 1: little bit to the corner of the room and face
Speaker 1: the corner to regather. And he's fainted against the corner
Speaker 1: of the room. So his head's hit the corner. Really
Speaker 1: not that, and then he started to slide down the
Speaker 1: wall and the only thing that stopped him from hitting
Speaker 1: the deck was his knees locked out his land up
Speaker 1: against the wall like that, passed out and the only
Speaker 1: thing propping him up is his legs, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: up against the thing. So he's completely fainted, and apparently
Speaker 1: he was there for most of the time.
Speaker 2: That we'll get to him in a second.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's like he's fine, propped.
Speaker 2: Up against he's just getting some shut eye.
Speaker 1: And I will tease you as well, Matthew, double tease.
Speaker 1: Even though we did have two sea sections. The second
Speaker 1: sea section, I did faint, but well, they'll save that.
Speaker 1: You are m a cock t.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Jesus lady, I'll save the complete story.
Speaker 1: Let's another time. We'll try and tell it next week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: I love how you say try. What do you got on?
Speaker 2: Let me check my schedule.
Speaker 1: I've got other podcasts, death related, ones related.
Speaker 2: Let's get out of here, mate.
Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you. Guys.
Speaker 2: We'll give you a little cuddle after what's been a
Speaker 2: couple of days.
Speaker 1: As a sad boy. My wife was calling me sad boy. Yes,
Speaker 1: because you can just pick up on it walking around
Speaker 1: the house with a hoodie on a pressed teenager.
Speaker 2: We'd like track pants on doing the gritty what's the
Speaker 2: gritty rage?
Speaker 1: Anyway, If you like this episode, don't forget to leave
Speaker 1: a review Apple Podcasts, Spotify as well. Follow us on
Speaker 1: Instagram To Doting Dads, we would really appreciate it. Actually
Speaker 1: someone did. Right, that's a message saying I just left
Speaker 1: your review. When do I get jerked off? Because remember
Speaker 1: I promised that I would jerk you off if you left?
Speaker 1: Did you say that I did?
Speaker 2: Okay? Did we?
Speaker 1: Now I've got a long list?
Speaker 2: Do we specify that it's only for New South Wales residents.
Speaker 1: And not the nanny stay? Anyway, I've got a list
Speaker 1: of people who need to joke off, so I better
Speaker 1: get onto that. And with that.
Speaker 2: Us Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of
Speaker 2: country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.
Speaker 1: We pay our respects to their elders past and present
Speaker 1: and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestraight Islander
Speaker 1: people's today. This episode was recorded on gadagal Land