1 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,080 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,119 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:13,680 Speaker 2: Now, researchers think that somewhere around the age of nine 4 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:16,520 Speaker 2: or ten is where kids get good at regulating their emotions. 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,360 Speaker 2: This is an eleven year old. He's only just getting 6 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:22,120 Speaker 2: a handle on it. And when things blow, I mean, 7 00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:23,400 Speaker 2: he's got that temperament anyway. 8 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:26,960 Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom 9 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:27,440 Speaker 1: and dad. 10 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,040 Speaker 2: Every Tuesday on the Happy Families podcast, we've been answering 11 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,160 Speaker 2: your listener questions. You can email them podcasts. That's podcasts 12 00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:38,280 Speaker 2: with an s at happy families dot com dot au Kylie. 13 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,400 Speaker 2: One of the most common questions that I get from 14 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,960 Speaker 2: parents what I'm doing my workshops is the question that 15 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,640 Speaker 2: has come through on the email all about our kids 16 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:47,920 Speaker 2: and their big emotions. Let's hear it. 17 00:00:48,159 --> 00:00:50,720 Speaker 3: This question is from Sky and she said, I'm a 18 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,640 Speaker 3: mom of three and I listen to the Happy Families 19 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:54,840 Speaker 3: podcast every day on our commute to school. 20 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,880 Speaker 2: I've got to interrupt with my children. Even better, I've 21 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:01,000 Speaker 2: got to interrupt just quickly. I went to pick up Emily, 22 00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,120 Speaker 2: our nine year old, from art class the other day. 23 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,720 Speaker 2: I'm walking in and this guy is walking past me 24 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,280 Speaker 2: to go and get his child from art class as well, 25 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:11,280 Speaker 2: and he smiles and says, Hi, hey, you going, And 26 00:01:11,319 --> 00:01:13,160 Speaker 2: I figured I must know him, so I said hi, 27 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,319 Speaker 2: I'm great, how are you going? And he says fine. 28 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:18,360 Speaker 2: I'm like, do I know you? And he said no. 29 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,680 Speaker 2: But I listened to you and Kylie on your podcast 30 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:23,399 Speaker 2: every day as I head to school with the kids, 31 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:26,120 Speaker 2: and now we've got Sky doing it as well, and 32 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,640 Speaker 2: I just love that people are actually having these conversations 33 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:30,680 Speaker 2: and listening to this stuff with their kids, except for, 34 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:32,760 Speaker 2: of course, for the ones that are for mature. Is 35 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,120 Speaker 2: only so glad. So, anyway, did he know what you 36 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:37,559 Speaker 2: look like? If he's just listening, I don't know. Maybe 37 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:39,320 Speaker 2: he saw me on the TV. I mean I'm the 38 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,119 Speaker 2: one who usually does the drop offs. I've never had 39 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,479 Speaker 2: anyone ask me. But anyway, let's just carry on. What's 40 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,319 Speaker 2: guy's question exactly? She says. 41 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:48,400 Speaker 3: We also enjoyed watching Parental Guidance together. 42 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:49,639 Speaker 2: See That's what I'm talking about. 43 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,720 Speaker 3: Yes, she said, I have a question. My eleven year 44 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:56,600 Speaker 3: old son has always shone big emotions. He often has 45 00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:00,480 Speaker 3: what we refer to as volcanos where he will errupped 46 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:04,640 Speaker 3: into this really big emotion resulting in yelling, screaming, and hitting. 47 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,960 Speaker 3: He has a problem with authority when it comes to 48 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,800 Speaker 3: me or Dad, but it never comes out at Scholl. 49 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:11,280 Speaker 4: Isn't that always the way? 50 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,280 Speaker 3: Where he has perfect behavior and is very well liked 51 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:18,120 Speaker 3: by all his peers. They've tried everything that they know, 52 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,880 Speaker 3: she said. The light bulb moment for her was during 53 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:24,880 Speaker 3: an episode of Parental Guidance when you justin said, if 54 00:02:24,919 --> 00:02:28,160 Speaker 3: you can name it, you contain it in regards to 55 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:32,440 Speaker 3: teaching emotional regulation, and she said that she's recognized that 56 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:34,639 Speaker 3: it's not something that they've actually done a lot of, 57 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,560 Speaker 3: but since watching the show, she's been really trying hard 58 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,280 Speaker 3: to kind of put this into practice, and she's noticed 59 00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:44,840 Speaker 3: a shift. She's noticed that she can often get to 60 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:50,160 Speaker 3: him before the emotion explodes, before that volcano erupts. But 61 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,200 Speaker 3: she recognizes there's lots of work to do, and so 62 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:55,720 Speaker 3: she basically is asking, how do I best teach my 63 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:58,920 Speaker 3: eleven year old how to regulate his own emotions in 64 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,119 Speaker 3: the most supportive, healthy and safe way. 65 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:04,120 Speaker 2: Okay, so first of all, let's define emotion regulation. This 66 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:07,079 Speaker 2: is the ability to either express or suppress your emotions 67 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:09,800 Speaker 2: appropriately for the situation. So sometimes it's fine to let 68 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:12,280 Speaker 2: them all out. Other times we need to keep them together. Clearly, 69 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:15,120 Speaker 2: when we're having these volcanic eruptions, what's really happening is 70 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,800 Speaker 2: we've got a parent who's saying not quite appropriate for 71 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:21,000 Speaker 2: the context. We expect a higher level of suppression in 72 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:24,440 Speaker 2: certain circumstances. Is that always right? I don't know. It 73 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,440 Speaker 2: depends on the circumstances. Our kids do need to be 74 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,040 Speaker 2: able to control their emotions at the right time and 75 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:31,799 Speaker 2: process things effectively. 76 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:35,840 Speaker 3: I guess for her a reading between the lines a 77 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,760 Speaker 3: little We've got we've not only got big emotions, but 78 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,520 Speaker 3: we've got big physical movement and action. 79 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:42,840 Speaker 4: Here, we've got there's hitting. 80 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:43,240 Speaker 2: Yeah. 81 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:46,480 Speaker 3: Yeah, this is actually no longer just about me. It's 82 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:49,600 Speaker 3: about protecting the people around me as well. 83 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 2: So there's a couple of things to bear in mind. 84 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,760 Speaker 2: I say this all the time, but high emotions equals 85 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,320 Speaker 2: low intelligence. Now, the people who are pedantic about that 86 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,800 Speaker 2: statement recognize that it's not perfectly true. And I have 87 00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,880 Speaker 2: people all the time, so you can't keep saying that. 88 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,440 Speaker 2: Here's what I mean by high emotions equals low intelligence. 89 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,360 Speaker 2: That's a shortcut for saying when your emotions are high, 90 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:11,360 Speaker 2: your capacity to access your intelligence is reduced. It's compromised. 91 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,320 Speaker 2: And that's because all of the blood, all the oxygen, 92 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 2: all of the electrical activity that should be happening in 93 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,359 Speaker 2: your prefrontal cortex where you think things through, when your 94 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,320 Speaker 2: plan and your strategize and your work stuff out, it 95 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:22,880 Speaker 2: all rushes to the back of your brain, where your 96 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:26,640 Speaker 2: olympic system is, where your emotional center is, and your 97 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:32,560 Speaker 2: emotions start driving your judgments, your decision making, your attention, 98 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:36,839 Speaker 2: your focus, your ability to remember things. Ultimately, what happens 99 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,560 Speaker 2: is you get tunnel vision. You get really rigid thinking. 100 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,479 Speaker 2: I mean, Kylie, you know this. Have you noticed that 101 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:46,440 Speaker 2: the angrier you are, the more right you are? You 102 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,360 Speaker 2: know It's true. Every time I say it in a workshop, 103 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 2: the whole audience cracks up because they're like, oh, yeah, 104 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:53,800 Speaker 2: I'm absolutely right when I'm mad in a totally different 105 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:56,560 Speaker 2: context and without the anger emotion. 106 00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:01,360 Speaker 3: The other day, I was executing a plan. 107 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,360 Speaker 2: For a party, so glad it was a plan I 108 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:05,159 Speaker 2: was wondering about you were executing. 109 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,320 Speaker 3: And I had fifteen minutes before everyone else everyone was 110 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:10,039 Speaker 3: going to show. 111 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:12,159 Speaker 2: Up, so the pressure was on the pressure was on. 112 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:15,440 Speaker 3: And I needed a ceramic cup. Of course, I didn't 113 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,680 Speaker 3: want a glass cup. I wanted a ceramic cup. 114 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:20,239 Speaker 2: You mean like just a coffee mug or something. 115 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,279 Speaker 4: Well, no, it was it had to be pretty. 116 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,680 Speaker 2: I want the details aren't important. You needed a ceramic cup. 117 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:25,720 Speaker 2: I'm sorry for going there. 118 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:29,480 Speaker 3: And for the life of me, I knew I had one. 119 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,560 Speaker 3: I just could not think, yes, yes, where on. 120 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 4: Earth it was or what it was? I didn't even know. 121 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,920 Speaker 3: I couldn't have I didn't have a picture of what 122 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:37,200 Speaker 3: it was. 123 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:38,000 Speaker 4: I knew I had it. 124 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,839 Speaker 3: I knew I've seen one in the house somewhere, but 125 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:41,800 Speaker 3: I could not think. 126 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,120 Speaker 2: High emotions, low intelligence. 127 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:44,200 Speaker 4: And it's that simple. 128 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:47,560 Speaker 3: My emotions were so heightened in that moment that I 129 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:50,479 Speaker 3: could not, for the life of me, go there. And 130 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:52,760 Speaker 3: it wasn't until after the party. I walked into my 131 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:56,760 Speaker 3: bedroom into the walk and rawdrobe and there she was, 132 00:05:56,839 --> 00:05:57,880 Speaker 3: just sitting right there. 133 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:01,680 Speaker 2: She wasn't even hidden. Another example exam stress. Right, you 134 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,560 Speaker 2: sit down, you have no idea what the answer is, 135 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:04,560 Speaker 2: but you know that you know it. As soon as 136 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,120 Speaker 2: you walk out of the examine, the stress is gone. 137 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:08,760 Speaker 2: You remember the answers. That's what we're talking about high 138 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:12,160 Speaker 2: emotions low intelligence. I mean, you can actually do an emotion. 139 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:14,560 Speaker 2: You could do an IQ test when you're emotional and 140 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,240 Speaker 2: you will score ten to fifteen points lower. That's what 141 00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:19,120 Speaker 2: emotions do to our brain. All the blood, all the 142 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:21,400 Speaker 2: electrical activity goes to a different part of the brain 143 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,400 Speaker 2: that does not help us to access the stuff. Let 144 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,680 Speaker 2: me ask you another question though, in that moment, if 145 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:26,880 Speaker 2: I had come to you, or one of the kids 146 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,640 Speaker 2: came to you in that fifteen minutes while you're stressing 147 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 2: and you're trying to find the ceramic mug that you 148 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,760 Speaker 2: don't know where it is and you need it and says, hey, 149 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,159 Speaker 2: can I ask you a question? I'm struggling with something 150 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:36,880 Speaker 2: and I know you can't ask me a question. 151 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,000 Speaker 4: I don't have time. 152 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,680 Speaker 2: And that's what's happening with this little eleven year old guy. 153 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:44,720 Speaker 2: The emotions hit. He gets myopic with his emotions and 154 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:49,640 Speaker 2: it's just rigid thinking. And you can't shift anybody when 155 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,480 Speaker 2: they're like that. The problem is emotions are contagious, right. 156 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:55,359 Speaker 2: We catch, if not the emotion, we catch the energy 157 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:59,240 Speaker 2: of the emotion, and so it's really hard for our 158 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:04,560 Speaker 2: kids to regulate their emotions. Because they're on their l plates. 159 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,839 Speaker 2: This is new for them. Researchers think that somewhere around 160 00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:09,800 Speaker 2: the age of nine or ten is where kids get 161 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:13,200 Speaker 2: good at regulating their emotions. This is an eleven year old. 162 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,680 Speaker 2: He's only just getting a handle on it. And when 163 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:19,160 Speaker 2: things blow, I mean, he's got that temperament. Anyway. I 164 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:22,160 Speaker 2: love what Lisa the Moore. Doctor Lisa de Moore wrote 165 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,000 Speaker 2: a book called The Emotional Lives of Teenagers. She's so wise, 166 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,480 Speaker 2: and in that book she shares actually this is not hers. 167 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:29,360 Speaker 2: She shares a friend of hers who I can't remember 168 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:30,920 Speaker 2: their name, so I'm just going to give all credit 169 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:35,680 Speaker 2: to Lisa. She shares this idea that there is a 170 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,360 Speaker 2: board of directors in your brain that guide your decision making, 171 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:43,320 Speaker 2: and emotions deserve a seat at the table. They're on 172 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:46,520 Speaker 2: the board, but they don't share the board. And our 173 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,720 Speaker 2: job is to explain this to our kids and let 174 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,360 Speaker 2: them know when you're emotional, it's okay for the emotions 175 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,760 Speaker 2: to be there, even the ones that we find inconvenient 176 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:57,560 Speaker 2: and difficult. But your emotions aren't supposed to be driving 177 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,480 Speaker 2: the decisions you're making. They're providing some useful infat to 178 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,840 Speaker 2: the rest of the board. But we've got to bring 179 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,880 Speaker 2: the front of your brain. That's the chairman of the board. 180 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,760 Speaker 2: We've got to bring that back online. And sometimes emotions 181 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:09,720 Speaker 2: are so big that they keep on telling the chairman 182 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,040 Speaker 2: of the board to sit down and be quite and 183 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,920 Speaker 2: listen to me, and that doesn't help. The chairman of 184 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,440 Speaker 2: the board has to actually stand up and say, emotions, 185 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,720 Speaker 2: I know you're strong, I know you're feeling this, but 186 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,280 Speaker 2: let's take the advice and work on this together. 187 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,120 Speaker 3: A few days ago, we had a family meeting, yes, 188 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:31,560 Speaker 3: and we called everybody together, and Miss nine had decided 189 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,920 Speaker 3: she wanted to go to her friend's place. She did 190 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,960 Speaker 3: not want to be involved in this family meeting, and 191 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:39,200 Speaker 3: all of a sudden, the emotions exploded. 192 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:40,880 Speaker 4: She was screaming at the. 193 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,880 Speaker 3: Top of her lungs volcanic. I would even say, literally, 194 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:48,800 Speaker 3: I hate family meetings. They're so boring, they don't do. 195 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,360 Speaker 4: Anything like She lost it. 196 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,440 Speaker 3: Yeah, it was big, and I just had to sit 197 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,120 Speaker 3: down with her. I gave her a big cuddle and 198 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,559 Speaker 3: I said, as soon as we've finished, you can go 199 00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:59,199 Speaker 3: and spend time with your friends, but we just need 200 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,280 Speaker 3: to have this conversation. It was so funny because she 201 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 3: actually was the main contributor, yeah, to our meeting. She 202 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,960 Speaker 3: was completely enveloped, but she just had to get to 203 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,680 Speaker 3: the point where her emotions weren't taking over. 204 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:17,320 Speaker 2: Now there's a really interesting thing here. Sometimes we just 205 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:19,559 Speaker 2: need to let people have their emotions. Sometimes it's not 206 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,560 Speaker 2: worth trying to stop the emotion or cut the emotion out. 207 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,640 Speaker 2: Sometimes it's okay to just say, have you scream, have 208 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,320 Speaker 2: your shout, just carry on like a pork chop. That's fine, 209 00:09:27,559 --> 00:09:31,559 Speaker 2: just let it out. Especially with younger kids, even with babies, 210 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,360 Speaker 2: sometimes they just actually have to scream. You can pick 211 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:34,600 Speaker 2: them up and hold them and they scream. You put 212 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:37,079 Speaker 2: them down, they scream. You're exhausted. Sometimes you're looking to 213 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,840 Speaker 2: scream five or ten minutes and then they go to 214 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,200 Speaker 2: sleep or whatever. Now am I advocating that we do 215 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:44,160 Speaker 2: that all the time. Of course not, But sometimes that's 216 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,120 Speaker 2: just what needs to happen. The problem is as our 217 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,480 Speaker 2: kids get old, especially with an eleven year old, we 218 00:09:49,559 --> 00:09:52,040 Speaker 2: start trying to get logical with them. We start trying 219 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,880 Speaker 2: to reason with them, We start trying to talk to them, 220 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,760 Speaker 2: help them to know that we understand and that it's 221 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,880 Speaker 2: going to be okay and all that stuff. And what 222 00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:59,240 Speaker 2: we're trying to do is we're trying to go through 223 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:00,960 Speaker 2: the front of their brain, and we need to go 224 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,920 Speaker 2: through the back door because the emotions are back at 225 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,120 Speaker 2: the back door. The front of the brain is the executive, 226 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:07,719 Speaker 2: but it's been switched off. So our job is not 227 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,240 Speaker 2: to go through the front of the brain with all 228 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,600 Speaker 2: the big explanations. It's just to slow it down and 229 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:17,600 Speaker 2: say what we see. You seem really frustrated. You hate 230 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:20,360 Speaker 2: it when this happens. Life doesn't feel fair right now. 231 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,960 Speaker 2: Your sister you kind of wish she hadn't been born 232 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,920 Speaker 2: right now, don't you like it's okay to say what 233 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,000 Speaker 2: they're feeling. It's not that you agree with them. You're 234 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,960 Speaker 2: just saying I get it, that's how you feel and 235 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,480 Speaker 2: what tends to happen. I mean, think about it from 236 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,959 Speaker 2: an adult to adult perspective. When you're having a bad 237 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,199 Speaker 2: day and I tell you to calm down, sit still 238 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,560 Speaker 2: and listen to me, Kylie, I'm your husband, I've got 239 00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:42,960 Speaker 2: the PhD in psychology. If you would just listen to me, 240 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,120 Speaker 2: you wouldn't be in this situation. Let's talk it through. 241 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 2: Do you ever look at me and say, oh, honey, 242 00:10:48,559 --> 00:10:50,840 Speaker 2: you are so well educated and you do know so much. 243 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:52,920 Speaker 2: Why don't you share your wisdom with me? I need it? 244 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,480 Speaker 2: Have you ever ever ever done that? 245 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,440 Speaker 3: No, I might have said a few choice words and 246 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 3: told you to go away. 247 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,000 Speaker 2: Yeah. Now, to be clear, we don't do course language 248 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,719 Speaker 2: in our family. But those choice words might have been 249 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:09,800 Speaker 2: don't give me all that psychology rubbish. But when I 250 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:13,959 Speaker 2: say to you something along the lines of, honey, it's 251 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,160 Speaker 2: been horrible, Today's been so hard, and you are so 252 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,480 Speaker 2: so tired, and me being here feels good, but it 253 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:24,560 Speaker 2: also feels confusing and you're over it all, do you 254 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:26,160 Speaker 2: ever look at me in and say stop giving me 255 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,480 Speaker 2: that psychology rubbish? What do you do instead? 256 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,360 Speaker 4: I usually burst into tears and fall into your arms. 257 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,840 Speaker 2: That's right, and that then gives you an opportunity to 258 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:38,480 Speaker 2: just let the emotion out in a safe way. And 259 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:40,800 Speaker 2: what do I normally ask? At that point? 260 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:45,600 Speaker 3: You ask me if you want if I want you 261 00:11:45,679 --> 00:11:49,120 Speaker 3: to hold me, or if I want space, or whether 262 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,640 Speaker 3: I want to talk about it, or whether I just 263 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:52,440 Speaker 3: want to be here. 264 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,600 Speaker 2: So when I give you those choices, do you want 265 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:55,959 Speaker 2: to talk? Do you want some space? Do you want 266 00:11:55,960 --> 00:12:00,360 Speaker 2: to hug. What does that do for you and to you? 267 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,079 Speaker 2: What's going on inside your brain? Right then? 268 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,200 Speaker 3: I just I feel seen, heard and valued. I feel 269 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:09,040 Speaker 3: like I can choose any of those things. 270 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:12,200 Speaker 2: Yeah great, I'm going to add something here. I think 271 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,120 Speaker 2: that what you can also then do is, well, what 272 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,719 Speaker 2: it forces you to do is it forces you to 273 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,959 Speaker 2: step out of the emotion because now you've got a 274 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,440 Speaker 2: decision to make. In other words, I'm re engaging the 275 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,040 Speaker 2: top of your brain, the front of your brain. I'm 276 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,720 Speaker 2: now I've gone through the back door via the emotions, 277 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,520 Speaker 2: and now I'm squirreling my way all the way through 278 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,960 Speaker 2: to your forehead, where your decision making is. And as 279 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,920 Speaker 2: I ask that question, you have to step away from 280 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,679 Speaker 2: the stuff that's troubling you so you can work out 281 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:36,240 Speaker 2: what you do want. And that's where the power of 282 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,520 Speaker 2: it is. So for Sky, it's the same process I'm 283 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,600 Speaker 2: asking you about it, Kylie. But the process is the same. 284 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 2: When you're having a big emotion, you don't try to 285 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 2: fix everything. You don't try to make it all better. 286 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,800 Speaker 2: I mean sometimes you do. As a parent, You've got 287 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,600 Speaker 2: to decide do I step in, do I just fix 288 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:54,240 Speaker 2: this or not? But quite often what we can do 289 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,320 Speaker 2: instead is we just say what we see. We give 290 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,280 Speaker 2: the kids a chance to work through it. We ask 291 00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,599 Speaker 2: them a question like do you want me here or 292 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,440 Speaker 2: do you want some space? And then once they're come 293 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:05,880 Speaker 2: it's really easy to solve the problem. You just say 294 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,480 Speaker 2: to them, what do you reckon we should do now, 295 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:10,160 Speaker 2: and they'll give you an answer. It's literally that simple. 296 00:13:10,559 --> 00:13:12,680 Speaker 2: We really hope Skuy, that that answers the question, that 297 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,400 Speaker 2: you find some value in that and it makes your 298 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,880 Speaker 2: family feel happier. If you'd like more information about what 299 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,959 Speaker 2: to do around this stuff, I really strongly would point 300 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,760 Speaker 2: you to my book. It's called Ten Things Every Parent 301 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,319 Speaker 2: Needs to Know. Of all the books that I've written, 302 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,760 Speaker 2: and that's the one that steps through the emotional guidance 303 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,720 Speaker 2: and coaching better than any I actually reached out to 304 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,240 Speaker 2: the team at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and 305 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,920 Speaker 2: they provided me with four or five pages of documents 306 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,560 Speaker 2: that I've included in the book to help you step 307 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:43,720 Speaker 2: through the system. It makes such a difference. The Happy 308 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,880 Speaker 2: Families podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. 309 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:49,920 Speaker 2: Create Bruce is our executive producer. We appreciate them so 310 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,440 Speaker 2: much and we appreciate our Happy Families members. If you 311 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,120 Speaker 2: are not a Happy Family's member, can I tell you 312 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,480 Speaker 2: about it real quick. Our members are the ones who 313 00:13:57,559 --> 00:14:01,960 Speaker 2: provide us with the resources and and essentially the membership 314 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,160 Speaker 2: funding so that we can provide free content for you 315 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:08,280 Speaker 2: in the podcast and on our social media, in our newsletter. 316 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:11,720 Speaker 2: It's our members that really do support the vitally important 317 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 2: work that we do to strengthen families. If you're not 318 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,880 Speaker 2: a member, it's only eighteen bucks a month. You can 319 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:17,600 Speaker 2: get an entire year for one hundred and eighty. We 320 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:20,280 Speaker 2: give you two months for free, and as part of 321 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:23,200 Speaker 2: that membership you get a monthly webinar with Me, a 322 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,640 Speaker 2: monthly Q and a with me where I answer your questions, 323 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,040 Speaker 2: and a whole lot more value. There's so much in it. 324 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,560 Speaker 2: We'd love for you to check it out at Happy 325 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,200 Speaker 2: Families dot com dot au. A huge thanks to our 326 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,680 Speaker 2: Happy Families members. If you're not one, please consider becoming 327 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:42,840 Speaker 2: one today.