Speaker 1: What I was saying, Matt, I'm feeling a little bit old.
Speaker 1: So last night I was having a wake Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I've done something to my shoulder somehow.
Speaker 2: How hard were you anking?
Speaker 1: The usual vigorous? But I've done something to my shoulder.
Speaker 1: And this morning I literally like, I'm all right now
Speaker 1: because I've I've had to take some andy inflammatories.
Speaker 2: You're fucking kidding me, Oh my god. Welcome back to
Speaker 2: two Dirty Dads. I'm Maddie Jay and I'm Ash. This
Speaker 2: is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad,
Speaker 2: and the relatable. And look, if you have come to
Speaker 2: this podcast and for some reason you were hoping to
Speaker 2: get any kind of advice, I'm so to say that
Speaker 2: we don't give any whatsoever.
Speaker 1: Er.
Speaker 2: But if you've come here wanting to hear about Ash
Speaker 2: during himself as her wanks, then get comfortable because you're
Speaker 2: in for a treat. Yay, So this morning you're you
Speaker 2: You've taken an anti inflammatory, You've got your injury.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I said, oh, my shoulder was really sure.
Speaker 1: Obviously I didn't want to tell her why and I said, oh,
Speaker 1: I must have been from when I like picked up
Speaker 1: the dog.
Speaker 2: The dog tiny the dog's like the size of a rat.
Speaker 2: The dog weighs about three kilo.
Speaker 1: That's the excuse.
Speaker 2: That's even more concerning if you're like I lifted up
Speaker 2: that pen and I've injured myself. April's like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 2: you okay, and she said, is it the.
Speaker 1: Same reoccurring shoulder. I'm like, yeah, so.
Speaker 2: You've done it before. You're going to have to get
Speaker 2: a reconstruction.
Speaker 1: And the doctor, the surgeon is going to be like,
Speaker 1: what did you do?
Speaker 2: I was like, wow, baseball, baseball, cricket, Like I wank
Speaker 2: a lot.
Speaker 1: It was just a very very vigorous mate.
Speaker 2: It's a sad reality. I threw my back out literally
Speaker 2: trying to.
Speaker 1: Suck your dick. Let's get off dicks. But you tell
Speaker 1: us about it.
Speaker 2: You haven't done that in quite a while. I just
Speaker 2: woke up. I woke up and all of a sudden,
Speaker 2: my back. My back is fucking so I can't. Every
Speaker 2: step I take is with a breath of the lower back.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're gonna mate like that. He's like always, but
Speaker 1: he does like, manuel, Aby, what's your excuse? Just slept wrong? Yeah,
Speaker 1: thing you can get injured from sleeping wrong?
Speaker 2: Absolutely, Like, well, even you can't escape.
Speaker 1: Like I said, I just want one week without an ailment.
Speaker 1: I got a pimple inside my nose. That is, I
Speaker 1: can't even touch my nose. I tried to blow my
Speaker 1: nose before leaving the house before and I just about died.
Speaker 1: Whereabouts is it which straws this side up in there?
Speaker 1: Like it's like there if that hurt?
Speaker 2: Well, the good thing is Ash, I can't see the pimple.
Speaker 2: And you look fantastic. You look well rested. At the
Speaker 2: time of recording, we are yet to be on stage,
Speaker 2: but Ash and I've got our first hosting gig. We
Speaker 2: are doing the Australian Podcast Awards, which I don't know
Speaker 2: if we've mentioned on the podcast, but we are nominated.
Speaker 1: We are nominated, Yeah, in.
Speaker 2: The category of best Podcast in Parenting.
Speaker 1: They're mental nominating us.
Speaker 2: Well we can we can say this will come out
Speaker 2: after the awards and we already know that we haven't
Speaker 2: won because we're hosting the awards. We've already got the
Speaker 2: script and we had a phone call where they were like, hey,
Speaker 2: this is how it's going to happen. Slid it in there.
Speaker 2: It was like calling up your partner and you're like Hey,
Speaker 2: how I good? We should break up and yeah you
Speaker 2: got your shirts look back.
Speaker 1: But my response to that was what sort of world
Speaker 1: would we live in if we would win a parenting
Speaker 1: podcast awards concerning I would hate to live in that world.
Speaker 1: Let the people who know what they're talking about win.
Speaker 1: We'll just make jokes about it.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm just we were up against Hamish Blake and
Speaker 2: we just wanted to beat Hamish, so.
Speaker 1: We technically we did. Yeah, she said you were second best.
Speaker 2: She's doing his first big bit of m sing and he's.
Speaker 1: A little bit I'm fucking so, I'm a mess. I
Speaker 1: can't be alone with my own thoughts. That's pretty much
Speaker 1: from it. I was driving over here and I was like,
Speaker 1: this is this is bad?
Speaker 2: What did you listen to in the drive over?
Speaker 1: I just had to put really loud Drake on, but
Speaker 1: it was just all the sad boy songs.
Speaker 2: You will feel so good.
Speaker 1: Oh, I know, once we get it done, I know. Look, Look,
Speaker 1: one thing I do well is talk shit. Yes, very good,
Speaker 1: but just the thought of doing it in front of that,
Speaker 1: but it's I need to do it. Yeah, I keep
Speaker 1: telling myself that I'm good, I'm all right, we'll check
Speaker 1: it with me tomorrow. I'm fucking shake you know that
Speaker 1: we're talking about it anyway, because let's move on.
Speaker 2: Did you have a good weekend? I know you're away, Yeah.
Speaker 1: I just was going to talk to you about that
Speaker 1: because we're both away. We're both away, not on the
Speaker 1: same trip.
Speaker 2: One day, one day. I hope.
Speaker 1: I don't have the budget.
Speaker 2: Where'd you guys go?
Speaker 1: Just just stated at a local bus stop we went
Speaker 1: up to Central Coast. One of the mother's group has a.
Speaker 2: This fucking mother's growth.
Speaker 1: Go on, they have a holiday house up there.
Speaker 2: When you you just add who's got the other holiday
Speaker 2: house down with?
Speaker 1: This is like a more This is one down south,
Speaker 1: different couple. This is a different couple together, but the
Speaker 1: house is.
Speaker 2: How have you infiltrated a mother's group where every second
Speaker 2: person has a holiday house?
Speaker 1: I think they just feel sorry for me. But what
Speaker 1: this guy to live somewhat of a life like us? Yeah,
Speaker 1: one of us? Anyway, it's a different family together. But
Speaker 1: the thing is with this house is it shared between
Speaker 1: twenty two cousins and aunties and something apparently.
Speaker 2: Who has twenty two cousins.
Speaker 1: I don't want tomate. You should have seen the family photo.
Speaker 1: I should have taken a photo the family photo. What
Speaker 1: was it?
Speaker 2: What was the family photo?
Speaker 1: Was one of those ones from like the night looked
Speaker 1: like a ninety sick com but it was like thirty
Speaker 1: people Anyway, they work on a Google calendar for who
Speaker 1: has the holiday house, and there's all these rules everywhere,
Speaker 1: like fully written out, like the house, Like, what kind
Speaker 1: of rules I took a photo?
Speaker 2: Okay, because you know I don't know I've done this,
Speaker 2: I dare say that, as you were not someone who
Speaker 2: likes to follow the rules.
Speaker 1: This is the house rules. But keeping in mind, this
Speaker 1: is on the back of the toilet.
Speaker 2: Door, so didn't read it out to me?
Speaker 1: Okay, I'll read it how show first?
Speaker 2: Oh fuck?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's oh my. So let me just rattle off
Speaker 1: a couple Yeah, you must be eight years or over
Speaker 1: to plate on the pool table.
Speaker 2: That's discrimatory.
Speaker 1: Someone's put a cheeky zero next to it. Eighty that's me.
Speaker 1: All indoor and outdoor gardens and lawns, plants, Sorry, it
Speaker 1: must be watered, must be before you leave. Did you
Speaker 1: water the plants after using washing machine? Turn off power
Speaker 1: and hot and cold water tap? That's fair enough. No
Speaker 1: children allowed to walk around with food or dirty hands.
Speaker 2: Asuugh.
Speaker 1: Everything you use must be cleaned, especially the stove, toilet, basin, showers.
Speaker 1: No perishable foods to be left in the pantry or fridge.
Speaker 1: And then it's just randomly that's rule six. But then
Speaker 1: it's got have a nice day. And then it goes
Speaker 1: on to rule seven. It's like, is it just like
Speaker 1: a have like a little break in the middle.
Speaker 2: The Dad's like, I won't, I won't do too many rules,
Speaker 2: and then he's like, have a nice day he would have.
Speaker 1: He's walked away.
Speaker 2: I got another one, the outdoor barbecue.
Speaker 1: It's froe of the writing. It's smaller and smaller. Tom. Yeah,
Speaker 1: all windows and doors must be locked when you leave
Speaker 1: the house. That's fair enough. All garbage must be taken
Speaker 1: with you when you leave, fair enough. What about the
Speaker 1: being outside? Do not add rules to the list.
Speaker 2: This is my list, and one will touch it a tan.
Speaker 1: All children must be taken with you when you leave.
Speaker 1: It is unfair to leave them for others.
Speaker 2: I mean, I wonder how many times one of the
Speaker 2: cousins is rocked up and they've opened the door and
Speaker 2: there's like three children sitting there, like, ah, God, damn,
Speaker 2: I here again, I had.
Speaker 1: To explain that whether were, it must be taken with
Speaker 1: you when you leave. It's unfair to leave them for others.
Speaker 1: Why would I leave my kids for others.
Speaker 2: He's having a bit of bands here, do you reckon?
Speaker 2: He's trying to like soften the strictness of the rules
Speaker 2: by like I'll put in one little joke.
Speaker 1: Now, this is the thing, and like I said, keeping
Speaker 1: in mind, this is on the back of the toilet door,
Speaker 1: so you shut the door there it is you're sitting
Speaker 1: down doing your business.
Speaker 2: I'm going to say that's a weird place to have
Speaker 2: the rule.
Speaker 1: I know, but then it had this is the last rule.
Speaker 1: Do not read this notice while on the toilet. Concentrate
Speaker 1: on what you're doing. I'm not making this up.
Speaker 2: Who was this person, Let's find this rule writer.
Speaker 1: It's fuck.
Speaker 2: Are they? They was something that they could?
Speaker 1: Yeah, they were churchy. Not our friends, but the extended family.
Speaker 1: So the grandmother used to live there before she died.
Speaker 1: She was the sort of person that was like if
Speaker 1: it's all these single beds because there was no sex
Speaker 1: allowed in the house, like unless you were married or
Speaker 1: at all. She's called them sex parties. No sex parties here.
Speaker 2: Well, so then how did you in April sleep? What
Speaker 2: was this set up there?
Speaker 1: Well, we don't have sex anyway, so.
Speaker 2: That is a lie.
Speaker 1: We're we're in single beds.
Speaker 2: You in April and single beds?
Speaker 1: Yeah, there we were.
Speaker 2: Did you not do you not try and like sneak
Speaker 2: in together and have like a little cheeky one.
Speaker 1: And I didn't want to. I didn't want to be
Speaker 1: schmited by the Holy spirits?
Speaker 2: Yeah, she would have been watching down for sure.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was a it was
Speaker 1: a really really fun trip. There's one thing that really
Speaker 1: fucking angered me, and this is just me having.
Speaker 2: A win other than the rules.
Speaker 1: Rules I thought were funny because I just made a
Speaker 1: joke about them the whole time. So you can't break
Speaker 1: the rules. But we went down to like this cafe
Speaker 1: and park, like a park and whatever, and we're just
Speaker 1: having coffee and there was a couple there with two dogs,
Speaker 1: and you know, my thought, dogs aren't kids. They kept
Speaker 1: referring to their dogs. Come on, kids. They were like,
Speaker 1: come on, kids, come here, kids, And I was like, wait,
Speaker 1: this couple, couple, they've already got kids though they had
Speaker 1: two dogs, and they were calling them kids.
Speaker 2: Do they have them in prams? Or that's not as bad?
Speaker 1: They went on leads, but they were going, come on, kids,
Speaker 1: come on, and I was like, they're not fucking kids,
Speaker 1: they're dogs. That shits me.
Speaker 2: I'll let them have them money because we suffer every
Speaker 2: day because of the kids.
Speaker 1: And they essentially, what they're saying to me is that
Speaker 1: this is as hard as it.
Speaker 2: Is for you, or what they could be saying is
Speaker 2: that they treat their pets with so much love and
Speaker 2: affection and they value their company so much that they
Speaker 2: could only ever refer to them not as a pet
Speaker 2: but as a child.
Speaker 1: I knew you wouldn't agree with me.
Speaker 2: But disagreeing with you is one of the things that
Speaker 2: I love to do in this world as.
Speaker 1: Yeah, anyway, so that was that that really shited me.
Speaker 2: Did you let them know?
Speaker 1: I just did the shake of the head a little.
Speaker 2: Eye roll, and then did you whisper to someone else?
Speaker 2: They're not even they're not even better? And how dare they?
Speaker 1: How dare they? Their kids have four leggs freaks. Anyway,
Speaker 1: they're really airy.
Speaker 2: Why that was funny, mate.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the trip I've been on a few trips with
Speaker 1: other parents.
Speaker 2: I know you have, mate, I know which there's a lot.
Speaker 1: Of pros and a lot of content. I just I
Speaker 1: don't have a list. I'm just going to rattle off
Speaker 1: what I was thinking. Pros there's extra hands, right because
Speaker 1: yet they've got kids. But then collectively it seems like
Speaker 1: it's more easy to manage all these kids when you've
Speaker 1: got more adults.
Speaker 2: I would say it's sometimes it's easier to hide as well.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm getting to that. Sorry, So there's more hands.
Speaker 1: So I always do this, or I'm like, do you
Speaker 1: mind watching my kids? Well you felt for that. That's
Speaker 1: how good I am at it.
Speaker 2: That tone was perfect, and I was like, just sick
Speaker 2: and I'll just go to the pub.
Speaker 1: Thirty minutes later, I come back and where.
Speaker 2: Are driving off down the driveway?
Speaker 1: Yeah, so there's that. There's also another pro is that
Speaker 1: you pick up other things that people do, like tricks
Speaker 1: and tips and stuff.
Speaker 2: Did you pick anything up?
Speaker 1: No, I did, subconsciously. But then also cons okay, and
Speaker 1: the biggest con is that they really when you're around
Speaker 1: other parents that are really good at parenting, really exposes
Speaker 1: your poor parenting. So one of the mums is there's
Speaker 1: very diligent, very loving mum, very good at what she does.
Speaker 1: I just followed her around.
Speaker 2: Just copying her.
Speaker 1: Just I was just like, what is she doing that
Speaker 1: I'm not turns out a lot like she was like, Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm going to make the kids some lunch. And I
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, MASI you want to do? You want
Speaker 1: a sandwich or whatever? And I was like yeah, because
Speaker 1: she never eats the full sandwich or she just walks
Speaker 1: around with it. And I was like, oh, I'll give
Speaker 1: her a peanut butter sandwich, just one piece of bread
Speaker 1: and I call it a foldover. So you followed it over? Bang?
Speaker 2: Yeah, great.
Speaker 1: Didn't even give her a plate, which I actually.
Speaker 2: I will defend you here because I would say nine
Speaker 2: and a percent of the time if I give anything
Speaker 2: to Lola, she's not going to sit down, She's going
Speaker 2: to go wandering with it. So a plate is just
Speaker 2: something that's going to a need to be washed later on,
Speaker 2: or be be broken.
Speaker 1: Or find it somewhere else. Yeah, down the track. So
Speaker 1: there was that, and then by the time here you go,
Speaker 1: Macy turned around. She's bloody cut and crust off sandwiches
Speaker 1: and double buttering bread and she's got peanut.
Speaker 2: Butter veggie MYI. I love how you're like cheese. I
Speaker 2: couldn't believe my eyes. She made a sandwich with two
Speaker 2: bits of bread. You're They're like, holy shit, mind is
Speaker 2: being blown. She's there like going to the toilet and
Speaker 2: like doing a piss and a toilet and you're like,
Speaker 2: what is this how the other half lives?
Speaker 1: And I was like, I was like, oh, double buddy,
Speaker 1: I'm pathetic. So I was sitting there at the kitchen
Speaker 1: counter and like I was just like, oh, that tastes
Speaker 1: like just like picking at this. She's made like a
Speaker 1: full platter.
Speaker 2: She's feeding the kids, and you're just like sitting down
Speaker 2: at the table. Literally she fed me. I was like, Susan,
Speaker 2: I've got to go to the bathroom. You couldn't could
Speaker 2: want my ask for me could first.
Speaker 1: Watch my kids when I go to the bathroom for
Speaker 1: an hour. But then like she's doing the sandwiches and stuff,
Speaker 1: I'm like, whoa diligence is that? What that looks like?
Speaker 1: And I cuts into squares, also cut the crust off
Speaker 1: before even buttering it unnecessary? What's that about?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I was like, you really, the crust is the structural
Speaker 1: integrity of the bread. Little said anyway. So she does that,
Speaker 1: and she goes to the fridge, opens the fridge, and
Speaker 1: then I've got distracted come back and she's like cutting
Speaker 1: up carrots and celery and I was like, what is this.
Speaker 1: They're not going to eat that. White kids won't. They
Speaker 1: just don't. But I was like, what do you call it?
Speaker 2: She just like, it's just this, yeah.
Speaker 1: As my grandmother calls it a snorger sport. I literally
Speaker 1: just got a piece of bread, didn't even butter the thing.
Speaker 1: I just slapped a bit of peanut butter on there,
Speaker 1: folded it over and said there you go.
Speaker 2: Question. Yeah, did you feel judged or inadequate in any way?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, I don't think so Okay, I'm.
Speaker 1: Talking about it, dreking.
Speaker 2: They're driving home being like, did you see what Ash
Speaker 2: was feeding his children?
Speaker 1: Look, I'm there for the lulls, all right, there for
Speaker 1: the laugh, not my parenting skills. Just so diligent, and
Speaker 1: I respect it, respect the player, respect the game. And
Speaker 1: I was just like, well played.
Speaker 2: Did you say anything to her partner and go You've
Speaker 2: got a fucking outstanding partner here.
Speaker 1: No, he already knows well you should.
Speaker 2: It would just make him too arrogant if he was
Speaker 2: to be reminded.
Speaker 1: Reminded of the time that your wife can make a
Speaker 1: sandwich with two pieces of bread.
Speaker 2: Hey, what's April doing?
Speaker 1: How does that work?
Speaker 2: April? Let's not.
Speaker 1: I don't know where she was.
Speaker 2: Drunk? So April, I'm kidding.
Speaker 1: I love you body boos hound isn't she isn't she?
Speaker 2: Just isn't she? Bottle of tequila down by the beach.
Speaker 1: One off to bed anyway. So yeah, good weekend except
Speaker 1: for the dogs being called kids hate that, the rules
Speaker 1: kind of funny, and the exposure of my poor parenting.
Speaker 2: I do think being away, like there's very few scenarios
Speaker 2: other than the park. I guess where you get to
Speaker 2: have so many other people who you don't know had
Speaker 2: their parenting on full display. And where we were staying
Speaker 2: was like a little place, little resort in.
Speaker 1: It's just like a really little niche boutique resorts.
Speaker 2: No, how should I describe it. It had a pool,
Speaker 2: it had villas made.
Speaker 1: Just tell it what it is. It's a fucking five
Speaker 1: star resort. It's not, but you earned it.
Speaker 2: It's not. It's four it's full star, four and a half.
Speaker 2: It's four. The minute it's like four and a half.
Speaker 2: I'm looking at that right now, shure and like there's
Speaker 2: no need for that.
Speaker 1: Well there is a need, but one you're talking.
Speaker 2: One of the places where the parenting of others is
Speaker 2: on display is the pool in a resort, because everyone
Speaker 2: is there where we were staying like a four point six.
Speaker 1: What point six someone's left for a review being like
Speaker 1: not knife and half.
Speaker 2: It was so by the pool. It's this big lagoon
Speaker 2: pool and it is a great pool there. Everyone's got
Speaker 2: I was.
Speaker 1: Lucky enough to stay there once. I saved up for
Speaker 1: three years and then eventually got spent one night there.
Speaker 2: You fucking you know the manager, you know like half
Speaker 2: the staff that worked there because you swindling free trips.
Speaker 1: Yeah, baby, so anyway, very good at going things for free.
Speaker 2: Now, this story, Ash is quite tough for me to
Speaker 2: talk about. I just that's how I open up. Always
Speaker 2: makes it about himself. I'm gonna pimple in my nose. Okay,
Speaker 2: do you want to take a second, carry on, I'll
Speaker 2: get through it. This story, Ash is quite hard for
Speaker 2: me to talk about.
Speaker 1: Okay, serious, face on.
Speaker 2: I don't think I've ever felt so rejected by my
Speaker 2: child ever. I like to think of myself as someone
Speaker 2: who enjoys playing with my children. Like I get down on.
Speaker 1: The level because you're like a child.
Speaker 2: I am like a child, That's what I am. I
Speaker 2: still look in the mirror and I see an eighteen
Speaker 2: year old. I don't see a thirty six year old.
Speaker 2: Does it like? It's not me? I don't feel like
Speaker 2: i've my children anyway. But there was another dad who
Speaker 2: we were friends for a brief period about fifteen years ago,
Speaker 2: lovely guy at the resort, and he was there with
Speaker 2: his two children. By chance, Laura was getting a massage
Speaker 2: at this point. I was with the kids in the
Speaker 2: pool and I had a situation where all of a sudden,
Speaker 2: Lola wanted to go to the toilet, and I was like,
Speaker 2: just do it in the pool, but she wanted to
Speaker 2: get the toilet. So my friend was like, hey, it's fine,
Speaker 2: I'll look after. There's a little like a shallow area
Speaker 2: if you will, where he was with his girls, and
Speaker 2: he's like, all right, I can look after Marley. It's
Speaker 2: just the toilets right around the corner. I'll be going
Speaker 2: a minute or two. And he's like, I'll look after her.
Speaker 2: And I was like okay, great, So I took Lola.
Speaker 2: I came back and.
Speaker 1: Don't trust the stranger man.
Speaker 2: And he had two children. One was very similar age
Speaker 2: to Marley. And as I was walking back to the pool,
Speaker 2: even before I saw Marley, I just heard happy laughter
Speaker 2: from Marley time of her life. And I thought to myself,
Speaker 2: isn't that great, Like it's so lovely that I can
Speaker 2: just leave Marley with an old friend who I haven't
Speaker 2: seen in a long time, and she's having a great time.
Speaker 2: But then when I came back and I was like, hey, Marley,
Speaker 2: I'm back, she was like fuck, oh, I'm with him now.
Speaker 1: I found a new family.
Speaker 2: And she was completely obsessed. He was playing these games
Speaker 2: where he would like pretend to turn around and fall
Speaker 2: over and and like my kid, Marley just he was
Speaker 2: I was thank you.
Speaker 1: I was out dadded wow wow.
Speaker 2: And it was to the point where I was cramp.
Speaker 2: I was cramping, like yeah, well because.
Speaker 1: I had to pretend like I was in trying to
Speaker 1: coax his kids over to you. I did.
Speaker 2: As I came towards one of his children, they were.
Speaker 1: Like and I was like predator, preator, predator, And you know.
Speaker 2: In those moments were like you don't. I don't know.
Speaker 2: I just I was like I was crumbling under the pressure.
Speaker 2: And then all of a sudden, Lola was like, well
Speaker 2: that looks like a lot of fun. I want to
Speaker 2: hang out with this guy. And so now this guy
Speaker 2: and he was also then like trying to back off.
Speaker 2: He kind of knew that I was. He knew he
Speaker 2: was to overstep, so then he was like trying to downplay.
Speaker 2: But then as he was down playing it and he
Speaker 2: was playing hard to get with Marley, she wanted to
Speaker 2: play with them even more, and she's like hanging off him, and.
Speaker 1: I was just like, get inside, Marley, Yeah, just tell
Speaker 1: her off for it.
Speaker 2: I was outdauded but long all day all day, so
Speaker 2: got a break, yeah yeah, yeah. I was like on
Speaker 2: the day bed, just like just in tears.
Speaker 1: Watching your kids betray you.
Speaker 2: Having the time of their life with another dad. It's tough,
Speaker 2: isn't It Fucking hurts.
Speaker 1: It does hurt, But at the same time, it's like, Okay, if.
Speaker 2: I could enjoy then, like my own time, because like
Speaker 2: if Laura was there, it would have been fine, because
Speaker 2: I don't know, I just felt you felt left out.
Speaker 2: I just felt left out, mate, I just felt left that.
Speaker 1: Kid in the park that was like no one wanted
Speaker 1: to play. It's like there's always that kid that stinks
Speaker 1: you were it was I was the stinky kid.
Speaker 2: Another thing that I want to say, which is really
Speaker 2: annoying as a parent to a young toddler. Molly's quite
Speaker 2: good now. It's swimming. She can pretty much swim by herself.
Speaker 2: And Lola, she's ton half terrible swim I cannot swim.
Speaker 1: Sinker or a floater.
Speaker 2: Ah, look she she doesn't sink immediately, takes her a second.
Speaker 1: That headed flow surely.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, she like the legs will go down and
Speaker 2: yeah yeah by the Titanic as it's like before like
Speaker 2: the last bit of air releases and she's down to
Speaker 2: the bottom. But she absolutely hates it when you like
Speaker 2: save her from drownings.
Speaker 1: What you meant by your story?
Speaker 2: Yeah, And so like if we go to the water's air,
Speaker 2: she's so confident she'll just run and just jump in
Speaker 2: the water. And then after the second she'll sink to
Speaker 2: the bottom. You're like, well, I'll save her. I'll lift
Speaker 2: her back up. And then we get to the top
Speaker 2: and she's like, what are you doing to get off me?
Speaker 1: I don't want to be saved. Dad, stop it.
Speaker 2: And I'm like all right, So then I've put it
Speaker 2: back on the edge and she just keeps jumping back in.
Speaker 1: Make she did the same thing, but she she doesn't
Speaker 1: mind if you try and save a life. Hated it.
Speaker 2: Well.
Speaker 1: Oscar was like that until we went to balley just
Speaker 1: recently and I saw all the other kids that they
Speaker 1: were better at swimming, and then he's just like leaps
Speaker 1: and bounds ahead. Now, we were at my father in
Speaker 1: law's house and he's got a pool and he took
Speaker 1: his floaties off because he was in like the little spa,
Speaker 1: you know, a little spark the pool with it. Forgotten
Speaker 1: that he took him off and then went and jumped
Speaker 1: in the big pool straight to the bottom.
Speaker 2: That's the problem with it.
Speaker 1: It was like straight in after him.
Speaker 2: Well because everyone's like, just put her in float but
Speaker 2: then that builds her confidence even more. But was that
Speaker 2: little thought my head where I was. I was kind
Speaker 2: of going, don't I let her like panic for a second,
Speaker 2: just to let her know that she does.
Speaker 1: Need a semi drowned just for a moment.
Speaker 2: So I'm standing there watching my child like sink to
Speaker 2: the bottom, and another mom was like, I think you're
Speaker 2: think of doing kids dead, And I was like, she's fine.
Speaker 1: She doesn't want to be saved.
Speaker 2: She's fine.
Speaker 1: I'm doing a voice over for the lifeguards this week.
Speaker 1: She doesn't need to be saved. I know what I'm doing.
Speaker 2: Meanwhile, Laura comes back from a massage, sees Miley painting
Speaker 2: with another dad. I'm just watching my child sink to
Speaker 2: the bottom with a beer in hand. Hey, honey, how
Speaker 2: is your massage?
Speaker 1: She's been holding her breath now for fifteen minutes. Pretty good.
Speaker 1: She bobbed to the top once and went back down.
Speaker 2: Anyway, that was my trip.
Speaker 1: It looked like an ass trip. Think you got the weather.
Speaker 1: We dear in every repair, ordinary repair, we don't know
Speaker 1: what we do. We don't know what we're doing because repair.
Speaker 1: So this segment here, people are right in tell us
Speaker 1: their ordinary parenting stories.
Speaker 2: This segment, of course, is run by Budgie Smuggler, our
Speaker 2: good friends over there coming into summer. What a great
Speaker 2: time to.
Speaker 1: Budgies, What a great time to win some budgies.
Speaker 2: It was only dad and budgies at the pool by
Speaker 2: the way. Okay, ash this one it is from Big
Speaker 2: John O twenty seven twenty. It's from Nath.
Speaker 1: Nath is a NA twenty servant.
Speaker 2: Nathan, I don't want to say his last name, but
Speaker 2: Big John nicknamed to O seven. Hey, guys, love the
Speaker 2: podcast and listen weekly. I have either an ordinary parent
Speaker 2: or Genie's parent. For you, guys, I mean the hand
Speaker 2: in hand, not mine, but heard from another colleague, like
Speaker 2: how he's passing the buck on someone else?
Speaker 1: Should they win if yeah, Big John, share it, Big John.
Speaker 2: So they've been having trouble with their child, wedding the
Speaker 2: bed at night time, countless nights, getting up and having
Speaker 2: to strip the bed and make it again and move
Speaker 2: their child into their own bed, and as an absolute
Speaker 2: ash at like two or three in the morning, this
Speaker 2: one no. So they decided to change it up and
Speaker 2: they now make the bed three or four times.
Speaker 1: We have had this one. No we haven't, Yes we have, No,
Speaker 1: we have, and you take the sheet off every time.
Speaker 1: They weave themselves and they just get back into bed.
Speaker 2: From Big John. Is Big John sending it again to
Speaker 2: try and win?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I think it won last time? Did it?
Speaker 2: Big John's coming back from another bite of the apple?
Speaker 1: Two hundred dollars wasn't enough.
Speaker 2: I want more, he says. Here, I'll just go on
Speaker 2: and say they go like multiple layers of mattress protector.
Speaker 2: Did the last one to do that? They did? Fuck off? Yes?
Speaker 2: Did they?
Speaker 1: Why would I make that up?
Speaker 2: This came through yesterday?
Speaker 1: What?
Speaker 2: Yeah, it came through yesterday from Big John.
Speaker 1: Well, big John plagiarizing mate. Yeah, he maybe didn't hear
Speaker 1: that we did that one. I don't know. He listens
Speaker 1: weekly unless he's lying.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, this is wow. I'm shooketh But with shooketh
Speaker 2: you it just goes to show act that really we're
Speaker 2: all the same out there. We are.
Speaker 1: Yeah, nice charge John, Well, that's this is awkward.
Speaker 2: Now makes all my hard work they go to absolute waste.
Speaker 1: Well, let me just okay, So this one's from Emma.
Speaker 1: Look this is a bit long winded this one, but
Speaker 1: essentially she said, guys love the show. Thank you, Emma,
Speaker 1: we love you. She was complaining to her mum that
Speaker 1: her husband was taking her one and three year old
Speaker 1: out at around three pm, knowing the risk of them
Speaker 1: falling asleep at the worst possible time, potentially on the
Speaker 1: way home about five thirty pm. That is a fucking
Speaker 1: nut man unless they transition really nicely, which they never
Speaker 1: fucking never do. I always wake up just as you
Speaker 1: put them in their bed. They're like, I'm awake. You're
Speaker 1: stuck with them on not, she replied to me, very
Speaker 1: matter of factly, I would just spray you if you
Speaker 1: were falling asleep in the car.
Speaker 2: So what, yeah, she said.
Speaker 1: I asked her what she meant, and she repeated, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I just spray you with you know, cold water. And
Speaker 1: she's like, what the fuck. So apparently her mum used
Speaker 1: to keep a spray bottle in the car for hot days,
Speaker 1: but it also doubles as a prevention too. That is
Speaker 1: evil evil. Yeah, that's great, So that's the winner this week.
Speaker 2: I hang on, hang on, I actually it actually no,
Speaker 2: that is the winner because I can't. I don't want
Speaker 2: to win the award. But I have actually some ordinary
Speaker 2: parenting for myself. Oh yeah, I wasn't.
Speaker 1: Going to let me just finish for Emma. Emma, thank
Speaker 1: you for that. We appreciate that. I think you should
Speaker 1: maybe take your mum's advice. Get a nice spray bottle,
Speaker 1: maybe a bit of lemon juice in the spice things
Speaker 1: up a bit.
Speaker 2: I've got a bit of ordinary parenting myself. I wasn't
Speaker 2: going to tell the story, but Laura's just messaged me.
Speaker 2: My phone just went off. You're like, what's that noise?
Speaker 2: Laura just said that she's told the story on their podcast,
Speaker 2: which means is out in the open and we'll talk
Speaker 2: about it. So, yes, I was having a beautiful cuddle
Speaker 2: with Molly and just keep in mind, this is.
Speaker 1: Post until that other dad woked past. No, don't touch it.
Speaker 2: So I was cuddling with her and it was beautiful,
Speaker 2: it was lovely. I was having a moment with my
Speaker 2: daughter and she just goes and she fared as I
Speaker 2: was like cuddling into her face on her like tummy,
Speaker 2: and I was, you know how I feel about farts
Speaker 2: and when you're putting up with the oars all day today,
Speaker 2: I was like, Marley stopped, and she thought it was hilarious,
Speaker 2: and I hate she does it quite a lot. She's
Speaker 2: very gassy, just like a dad. And I was like,
Speaker 2: you cannot fart like that. It's really naughty, and she's
Speaker 2: thinking it's hilarious. So I was like, do you know
Speaker 2: what I'll do to make her appreciate just how unenjoyable
Speaker 2: it is to smell someone else's fart or fart on her.
Speaker 2: So maybe like an hour and a half later, I
Speaker 2: felt one brewing and Marley was sitting down watching TV.
Speaker 2: So I went up to her. I farted on her
Speaker 2: and on her head. No, not on a head.
Speaker 1: I don't do it properly.
Speaker 2: I don't want to give it. I don't want to
Speaker 2: give a pink guy. I just like on her back.
Speaker 2: She was like laying down watching TV.
Speaker 1: He just walked up to a copter squad and went
Speaker 1: on her back.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's fine. It would have been fine if it
Speaker 2: wasn't for Laura being like, oh my gosh, porch Ball,
Speaker 2: are you okay? She'll live and you know when you
Speaker 2: make a fuss over there, And then Mommy was like,
Speaker 2: that's right, I've been assaulted.
Speaker 1: I've been I think it's fair play. My dad used
Speaker 1: to fart on me all the time, as Jake.
Speaker 2: Look, so you turned out.
Speaker 1: I'm fine, but I'm fine, But it would have been
Speaker 1: worse if you followed through on the speaking of actually,
Speaker 1: let me just wrap up the Budgies smokeing thing before
Speaker 1: we talk about this really quick. So yes, thank you.
Speaker 1: Budget smugling For the ordinary parenting segment, We've still got
Speaker 1: a few more to go. If you've gotten any ordinary stories,
Speaker 1: d mr or send us an email to d D
Speaker 1: at outlook dot com. W that's t w O d
Speaker 1: D at outlook dot com dot you don't forget you, or.
Speaker 2: You can hit us up as well on social media
Speaker 2: at two Doting Dads.
Speaker 1: I said that already, did you useless? Anyway? Thank you?
Speaker 1: I said it to start off with.
Speaker 2: No, Yeah, when you listen, I don't really when you talk,
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 1: When you listen, I don't really talk. So anyway, speaking
Speaker 1: of Marley farting and loving it, Oscar loves it too.
Speaker 1: They're the same age. They're at that age where farting
Speaker 1: is really funny.
Speaker 2: It's hilarious.
Speaker 1: But he's taken upon himself to like notify you when
Speaker 1: he's about to He's going to push, I'm going to
Speaker 1: push out of fart, you know, like it's so funny.
Speaker 1: He's teaching makes you how to do it in the bath,
Speaker 1: which is a whole other story. But the other day
Speaker 1: he comes home from kindy, he's really excited to see
Speaker 1: me in the laundry, like just like sort of feeling
Speaker 1: around in front of like in front of the TV,
Speaker 1: and he goes to me, Dad, I got a fart.
Speaker 2: I was like, go on, spread your wings, my child.
Speaker 1: That's this better be good. And he was like pushed
Speaker 1: and then his face went from like to just shot.
Speaker 1: He shat himself. But the funny thing is he's shouted,
Speaker 1: but it was like he'd been shot, or like he'd
Speaker 1: been frozen stiff or something like. He just went.
Speaker 2: Taser just went.
Speaker 1: And he was like like full freak out. Anyway, So
Speaker 1: I've picked him up and I've carried him up the stairs,
Speaker 1: but he still hasn't moved positions. So he's like, you know,
Speaker 1: there's army man. It was like talking up to the
Speaker 1: bathroom and I was like, you push little too hard.
Speaker 1: He was like, just cross.
Speaker 2: It is scary how much he is.
Speaker 1: Just like, I pull his pants down. He's got like
Speaker 1: a fucking perfect nugget. The PSI on that rocketed out
Speaker 1: of his heart into the bottom of his underpants, got
Speaker 1: a hole in his underpan. It was fun It was funny.
Speaker 2: That's my boy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but he's been teaching. Macey had a fart in
Speaker 1: the bath.
Speaker 2: It's gotta make you proud. Yeah, he led some let's
Speaker 2: do some listening questions. I've got a question for you, Okay.
Speaker 2: I don't know if you're the right person to ask, okay,
Speaker 2: but I'm going to try my luck anyway. Shoot, Okay,
Speaker 2: I won't say the name because this I don't want
Speaker 2: this person to seem like they're being negative openly. Maybe
Speaker 2: they wanted to be anonymous, but they ask, are there
Speaker 2: any good parts of parenting? At the moment, it's just
Speaker 2: all bloody hard work. Ash, give us some good news.
Speaker 1: I've got some really good news for you.
Speaker 2: What was the question again, talking about how hard parents?
Speaker 1: It's hard? Look, it's hard. You can never be prepared,
Speaker 1: and you think it's like it's all getting good, and
Speaker 1: then a new issue arises. It's just constant. And then
Speaker 1: when you ask people with older kids as well, they're like,
Speaker 1: there's always another warrior just around the corner.
Speaker 2: But also small kids, small problems, big kids, big problems.
Speaker 1: But I'd also say, look, you know, I'm usually it's
Speaker 1: all fun and jokes, okay. I would usually just say
Speaker 1: find the little moments to keep you going.
Speaker 2: What are those little moments for you? Ash?
Speaker 1: When they try and push out a fart and.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree, it's hard.
Speaker 1: It's hard, but then there's those little moments where they
Speaker 1: give something back and you're like, yeah, okay, that's pretty funny.
Speaker 2: One of my mates is about two weeks now away
Speaker 2: from having his first child, and it's so funny. It's
Speaker 2: like witnessing someone walk to the front of the start
Speaker 2: line of a marathon. But on that marathon, you will
Speaker 2: lose your shoes, you will get sunburnt, you will get
Speaker 2: attacked by wild dogs, you'll get shot on, be starving,
Speaker 2: you'll be exhausted. Like it's like the hardest marathon you'll
Speaker 2: ever run in your entire life. That only gets harder
Speaker 2: and harder and harder. And watching him go to the
Speaker 2: start of that line, I'm like, you have no idea
Speaker 2: what you were in for. No one does.
Speaker 1: Like I said, you can never be you can never
Speaker 1: be be prepared never.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Look, yeah, it's hard. Like I said, it's hard to
Speaker 1: find the little moments where you can.
Speaker 2: But the moment for me is at the moment. Lola's
Speaker 2: been a hard one to crack.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: I've spoken about the fact that we didn't bond straight
Speaker 2: away like I did with Marley, But at the moment
Speaker 2: we have got this little thing where whenever I put
Speaker 2: her down to bed, even if Laura puts her down,
Speaker 2: and Laura's one hundred percent of her preferred parent for Lola,
Speaker 2: she'll say, I just want to kiss and a cuddle always,
Speaker 2: and she won't go to sleep unless I give it
Speaker 2: one as well. She wants it from Laura and from me,
Speaker 2: and we give a kiss cuddle and then now she's
Speaker 2: gonna like kiss and a cuddle and like that is
Speaker 2: my like final farewell before she goes to bed. It's
Speaker 2: just it sounds like it's nothing. I guess if anyone's
Speaker 2: listening without having kids themselves, it might be like.
Speaker 1: You don't understand.
Speaker 2: You would never You've never felt love to those parents
Speaker 2: out there with dogs. You have no idea, But those
Speaker 2: are the little things that you're just like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 2: like just getting that little bit of affection from your kids.
Speaker 2: It's just insane how much of a difference that makes.
Speaker 1: Sort of it makes you forget what they did, all
Speaker 1: the shit things.
Speaker 2: Oh totally. It's like I'm sure there's been Our brains
Speaker 2: are wired to think like that because otherwise, like it's relentless, it's.
Speaker 1: Oh, it's relentless, hectic. Yeah, I've aged so much in
Speaker 1: the last four years. That's just partly my fault. Th Matt.
Speaker 1: Question for you personally, I haven't had to deal with
Speaker 1: a lot, so maybe you can answer the question how
Speaker 1: do you deal with judging parents?
Speaker 2: So like other parents, I don't have to deal with
Speaker 2: it that much. I think guys are pretty lucky in
Speaker 2: that we just get on with it. The bar is
Speaker 2: so low, like the first generation of dads who are
Speaker 2: actually doing anything. Yeah, So like the fact that we're
Speaker 2: just like in the room means that people are like,
Speaker 2: good job, well.
Speaker 1: Done, Oh my god, that dad's what he's not absent.
Speaker 2: You take the kids to the shopping center for groceries
Speaker 2: and like a boomer.
Speaker 1: Mum is like, oh my god, it's such a good dad.
Speaker 2: Wow, just loan away. But I think the only bit
Speaker 2: of judging that I got the other day was I
Speaker 2: did that video about when your totaler becomes more affectionate
Speaker 2: as they're about to be hit with a virus.
Speaker 1: And Lola's you're going to say, after you hit with
Speaker 1: the car, just a virus, you're about to be fa.
Speaker 2: And Lola's got a dummy because she's doing half loves
Speaker 2: a dummy. Still, it kind of got a little bit viral,
Speaker 2: that video, and it got picked up by an American.
Speaker 1: Audience anti dummy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, I got viewed five million times.
Speaker 1: And I do you want to just repeat that? I
Speaker 1: remember when I had my first viral video.
Speaker 2: Yeah, fair. As soon as I left my mouth, I
Speaker 2: was like, fuck damn. It shouldn't have said that. But
Speaker 2: a few mums were like, you're like doing it, like
Speaker 2: you're doing it wrong on repparable damage to your child's
Speaker 2: mouth structure and teeth.
Speaker 1: And I know that.
Speaker 2: I think it's like past four or five or something
Speaker 2: that stuff to like change the shape of the teeth.
Speaker 2: But I was like, for a moment, I was like,
Speaker 2: maybe I should like stop the dummy and like but
Speaker 2: then I'm like, who the fuck are these people? And
Speaker 2: why do I care what they say? You just got
Speaker 2: to be water, Which is easy for me to say.
Speaker 2: I know that, Like, there's a lot of people out
Speaker 2: there who are full time stay at home parents. It
Speaker 2: must be a lot harder when your worker is being
Speaker 2: judged and your work is the most important in the world.
Speaker 1: It's like working your ass off at a job and
Speaker 1: then someone just coming in and going you're shit at it.
Speaker 2: But my only advice is if you are someone who
Speaker 2: may judge, if the child is happy, it's healthy, Like
Speaker 2: it doesn't matter, ah, Like if you know people can
Speaker 2: do things differently. Some people will do sandwiches with two
Speaker 2: pieces of bread, some will only do one without butter
Speaker 2: with a crust on.
Speaker 1: I feel if the child, I feel you're judging my parents.
Speaker 2: Don't be a judger, for God's sake. And if you
Speaker 2: if you want to say something on social media, like
Speaker 2: just don't unless you know the person, take.
Speaker 1: A deep breath before you throw your two cents in
Speaker 1: fucking Doris or Maureen is like it's just not needed,
Speaker 1: especially like the end of the day. Like sometimes when
Speaker 1: like say you've had a bad day like April for example,
Speaker 1: if she's had the kids all day and I've been
Speaker 1: off doing some work or been here this is work,
Speaker 1: but you know, doing whatever, and then I get home
Speaker 1: and she's fucking cooked, and it's like me walking in
Speaker 1: a saying while the socks dirty, It's like, are you
Speaker 1: fucking serious? Just keep it to your fucking.
Speaker 2: Self absolutely and ash on that note, we need to
Speaker 2: start rehearsing for the awards. Sorry to remind you of
Speaker 2: what's still to come.
Speaker 1: I feel like this is some sort of torture.
Speaker 2: If you enjoy this episode, we would love it if
Speaker 2: you gave it a share to anyone else out there
Speaker 2: who may benefit from having two idiots talk about parenting.
Speaker 2: And we would also love it if you'll give us
Speaker 2: a review on Spotify. We actually had some really lovely
Speaker 2: comments on the episode where you talked about your mental health.
Speaker 2: We had so many great messages and we have we
Speaker 2: love to receive them. Here. He is Ashwicks. Everybody, what
Speaker 2: a charming young man. Anything else you want to add
Speaker 2: before we go? Aside from farting no, I'm all good. Okay,
Speaker 2: we'll see you guys now for having me. But Two
Speaker 2: Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout
Speaker 2: Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.
Speaker 1: We pay our respects to their elders past and present
Speaker 1: and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestraight Islander
Speaker 1: people's today. This episode was recorded on Gadagle Land