Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life
Speaker 1: on Cut.
Speaker 2: I'm Laura and I'm.
Speaker 1: Brittany, and this is our Thursday episode. It is our
Speaker 1: down and dirty little episode where we answer all of
Speaker 1: your deep, duck and burning questions. How's your week been, Laura, Well,
Speaker 1: I feel like I've seen you every single day I
Speaker 1: go back from holidays. I was asking you, not for me,
Speaker 1: but for the people. It was a rhetorical question. My
Speaker 1: week has been gastro free. Finally everybody is recovered. Well,
Speaker 1: I think you might have given it to me.
Speaker 2: Oh you know when you get nausey, you get that
Speaker 2: nauseous feeling, and always I feel like in every woman
Speaker 2: they're like, okay, this could be one of two things.
Speaker 2: I've either eaten something really bad slash gastro or I
Speaker 2: am pregnous.
Speaker 1: I'm pregnant, so do you know because I'm soldly fertile,
Speaker 1: I just have like a twenty four pack of them
Speaker 1: sitting in the bathroom.
Speaker 2: I'm just like I've called them on Bolk twenty four
Speaker 2: baron condoms, which is like probably what you should start
Speaker 2: buying instead of the pregnancy test. Laura, maybe you can take.
Speaker 1: Some of my expired on well before we get into
Speaker 1: answering all of your questions, and we have like a
Speaker 1: good variety today. I'm loving today's questions.
Speaker 2: Bridge. Let's just chat for a moment about the old
Speaker 2: bong photo. Oh, Grace Tame twenty twenty one Australian of
Speaker 2: the Year. The poor thing. She cannot be out of
Speaker 2: the media for a hot second. I swear to god,
Speaker 2: she farts and she's in the media.
Speaker 1: But also like not that everyone has a bong photo,
Speaker 1: because most people don't take photos with them, but everybody
Speaker 1: has tried something when they were twenty this photo.
Speaker 2: You need to set up what the bong photo is.
Speaker 1: I'm okay, okay, if you haven't seen the news in
Speaker 1: the last twenty four hours. Basically, there is a photo
Speaker 1: that has come out yesterday of Grace Tame. It's back
Speaker 1: from twenty fourteen, so she was only twenty years old
Speaker 1: at the time when the photo was taken. And she's
Speaker 1: sitting on a couch with a great big bong and
Speaker 1: she's not smoking it at the time. She's just sitting.
Speaker 1: She looks like she may have had a puff. She's
Speaker 1: looking pretty happy.
Speaker 2: It's just sitting there in the photo like next to
Speaker 2: the bong.
Speaker 1: And this is a photo, mind you, This was in
Speaker 1: plain daylight. This was in plain sight. It wasn't a
Speaker 1: photo that was deep in the archives of the interwebs like.
Speaker 2: This was just on her Instagram. It wasn't on like
Speaker 2: a friend of a friend of a friend's page. No,
Speaker 2: it wasn't like yeah, no one had to go into
Speaker 2: the deep webs to stalk it.
Speaker 1: She just had it on her Instagram because she clearly
Speaker 1: wasn't embarrassed by it. It wasn't something that she probably had
Speaker 1: even thought about, nor did she think that anyone was
Speaker 1: going to go back seven years ago and try and
Speaker 1: drag up these photos. But look, there's been some real
Speaker 1: mixed feelings around this photo. Obviously, people who sit on
Speaker 1: the more conservative side or who are not supporters of
Speaker 1: Grace Tame have been, you know, very this is something
Speaker 1: that we should take really seriously.
Speaker 2: It's a twenty year old smoking a bong.
Speaker 1: But also everybody that's in support of her just sees
Speaker 1: it for what it is and it's such an unfair
Speaker 1: and I think this is such a huge example of
Speaker 1: the media and of conservative media wanting to undermine a
Speaker 1: woman for something that they've done seven years ago. That
Speaker 1: has absolutely no impact on who they are as a
Speaker 1: person now and what they stand for and the amazing
Speaker 1: things that they're doing.
Speaker 2: Which is crazy. It's crazy that someone someone out there
Speaker 2: has taken the time to think, I want to bring
Speaker 2: this girl down. I want to bring last year is
Speaker 2: Australian of the Year down. So I am going to
Speaker 2: troll back as far as I can go on the
Speaker 2: interweb to find a photo of a nineteen year old
Speaker 2: that is sitting in the same room as someone who
Speaker 2: possibly smoked a bong and then say Australian of the
Speaker 2: Year question mark. It's absolutely ridiculous that anybody can say
Speaker 2: that somebody like this shouldn't be in any sort of
Speaker 2: position of influence or power when you look at what
Speaker 2: is happening in the world. This is literally someone that
Speaker 2: wants to take down a young woman for speaking her
Speaker 2: mind and I am actually disgusted by it.
Speaker 1: The reason why it's so disappointing is because it's the
Speaker 1: trying to draw a correlation, right, It's trying to say, like,
Speaker 1: look at this photo that we found, this is the
Speaker 1: person that you're all looking up to. This is the
Speaker 1: person that we've put in a position of Australian of
Speaker 1: the Year.
Speaker 2: They're not worthy of.
Speaker 1: This, And it's like the undermining of what she's achieved
Speaker 1: and trying to draw that correlation between something that she
Speaker 1: did seven years ago versus where she is at now.
Speaker 1: And like, I mean, we've seen it so much in
Speaker 1: the media. Like throughout Grace Tame's tenure as Australian of
Speaker 1: the Year, she has been abrasive in that there are
Speaker 1: people who have hugely supported her, and then there are
Speaker 1: also people who have been quite against her and the
Speaker 1: way that she has gone about advocating for change.
Speaker 2: No one can deny though.
Speaker 1: That she is a fierce advocate for victims of sexual assault.
Speaker 1: And I really really liked what Lisa Wilkinson said around
Speaker 1: this because this whole question, this whole you know, resurfacing
Speaker 1: of this image of her with bong from her twenties
Speaker 1: really calls in to question media and the way that
Speaker 1: media portrays women. Lisa Wilkinson said, this is designed to
Speaker 1: say to any woman striving for change, if you step
Speaker 1: out of line or if you question the status quo,
Speaker 1: we are coming for you. I think the most interesting
Speaker 1: thing about this is we are seeing a really big shift.
Speaker 1: Well I think We're seeing a really big shift in
Speaker 1: what is happening. When the media are trying to bring
Speaker 1: women down, there is a real pushback. Now there is
Speaker 1: a kickback and men are jumping on board.
Speaker 2: So I don't think this article from what I've seen,
Speaker 2: what I've read, I don't think this article had as
Speaker 2: much impact as they hoped it would. There's been a
Speaker 2: lot of people in public office that have actually come
Speaker 2: out in support of Grace Tame. One of them is
Speaker 2: federal MP Dave Sharma. Dave Sharma tweeted and he said,
Speaker 2: I'm sure there is a photo of me like that.
Speaker 2: I don't think this stuff is remotely in the public interest.
Speaker 2: That has had thousands of likes. People are coming out saying,
Speaker 2: what the actual fuck, Like, what are you guys trying
Speaker 2: to do here? What are you trying to do by
Speaker 2: proving that when Grace Han was nineteen years old, she
Speaker 2: sat in the room with a bomb. And also, let's
Speaker 2: all remember in this conversation that like when Grace Han
Speaker 2: was groomed for sexualists, when she was sexually assaulted by
Speaker 2: the person who was supposed to be her teacher, somebody
Speaker 2: who's supposed to be in a position of power, and
Speaker 2: protection over her she was fifteen, like four years later,
Speaker 2: there's a photo of her smoking a bong. Like, who
Speaker 2: she's not even smoking, She's sitting totally, She's sitting there
Speaker 2: whole it, which would like imply and that's what it
Speaker 2: was trying to imply originally when the photo came out,
Speaker 2: Grace Hame's instant reaction where she went back through her
Speaker 2: Instagram and she deleted the picture, you know, and I
Speaker 2: think you would do that.
Speaker 1: You would be like, oh, like, how are people going
Speaker 1: to perceive me? Delete the evidence? And then the public
Speaker 1: surrounding it has come forward and said, like, this is
Speaker 1: not okay. If the majority, like you said, the majority
Speaker 1: kickback has been actually, who cares that there's a photo
Speaker 1: of her holding a bong? It is irrelevant, completely irrelevant
Speaker 1: to what she has achieved and what she's advocating for now.
Speaker 1: And I think with that support, she's turned around and
Speaker 1: she's actually reposted the photo. So the photo that she
Speaker 1: originally deleted, she's reposted it. She put it up on
Speaker 1: Twitter with the caption all right, I confess we were
Speaker 1: doing a cover of April Son and Cuba on the
Speaker 1: Obo as a fucking dig at Scott Morrison and his
Speaker 1: sixty minute interview.
Speaker 2: She's so good, like such a good play from Grace Ham.
Speaker 2: It's just like a complete fuck you to everyone. But
Speaker 2: while we're talking about some of the other responses there,
Speaker 2: people in the Public Office came out with Deputy Mayor
Speaker 2: of Port Phillip Tim Baxter. He tweeted, oh no, Grace
Speaker 2: Tame once smoked a bong. I'm the Deputy Mayor and
Speaker 2: I smoked bongs as a teenager and I have still
Speaker 2: never been as cool as Grace Tame. I just think
Speaker 2: I just love these people. Malcolm Turnbull's son came out,
Speaker 2: Alex Turnbull. He came out in forced as well, saying
Speaker 2: going after Grace Tame for drug use is extremely risky
Speaker 2: for any L ANDP member under forty, especially some people
Speaker 2: in the House and Senate. I'm just gonna leave it
Speaker 2: at that. Don't start stuff you can't finish. So this
Speaker 2: has completely backfired on them and I'm just here to
Speaker 2: watch it go down anyway. I love watching this go down.
Speaker 2: I love I love watching Grace Tame's response. I'm so
Speaker 2: here for it. And there's a reason that Australia is falling.
Speaker 1: Along with her, and that is it totally because she
Speaker 1: also just doesn't play by the rules.
Speaker 2: She smokes bongs.
Speaker 1: All right, let's get in to the questions for today.
Speaker 1: I recently discovered that one of my best friends and
Speaker 1: I had the same name picked out for our baby girl.
Speaker 1: We're in our thirties and neither of us.
Speaker 2: Are pregnant yet.
Speaker 1: But what happens when the time comes. Is it a
Speaker 1: first in best dress scenario? Or would it be weird
Speaker 1: if we both name our daughter the same name. I
Speaker 1: don't want to hurt her feelings down the track, just
Speaker 1: in case, and I also don't know if I should
Speaker 1: bring the conversation back up. She's a really nice person
Speaker 1: and she's also a people pleaser, so I feel like
Speaker 1: she would probably just give me the name. Also, I
Speaker 1: do understand that there is a chance that maybe neither
Speaker 1: of us will end up having a girl.
Speaker 2: How do you suggest I play this one out? Loll personally,
Speaker 2: this is funny on so many levels because neither of
Speaker 2: you're pregnant. I don't even know if you're in a relationship.
Speaker 2: None of you are pregnant. I think it's normal to
Speaker 2: talk about baby names and things like that, but this
Speaker 2: is definitely a case of first in best dress that
Speaker 2: you can't because one of you you can't say bags, shotgun,
Speaker 2: shotgun Mary, and then never have a baby girl. And
Speaker 2: then what if your friend goes and has babies and
Speaker 2: she's like, oh, I don't I won't call my kid
Speaker 2: my dream name in case one day you do and
Speaker 2: then you never do. I also think it's funny that
Speaker 2: you're like, we probably won't even have a girl. You
Speaker 2: don't know that you might have a girl. One of
Speaker 2: you's going to have a girl. You might have twenty girls.
Speaker 2: I hope that would be a lot of girls. So
Speaker 2: I'd be like, I want a hope for you don't
Speaker 2: have twenty girls. But no, this is just a case
Speaker 2: of like, if you love a name and you're pregnant
Speaker 2: before your friend and you have a baby girl and
Speaker 2: you want to call it that name, you call it
Speaker 2: that name. If she then has a baby later and
Speaker 2: she really wants to call that name, she can also
Speaker 2: call it that name. And I don't think you can
Speaker 2: get mad at her. And I know that is a
Speaker 2: bit of like a fine line. I know there's a
Speaker 2: like you can't call your kid what okay this kid?
Speaker 2: Would it be weird?
Speaker 1: Now if you were like, Hey, I'm going to call
Speaker 1: my first kid Mali.
Speaker 2: Yes, it is weird. That is very weird. But also
Speaker 2: at the end of the day, if I'm like, it's
Speaker 2: my grandma's name and it's a dream name and I
Speaker 2: really want to call it that, You're going to have
Speaker 2: to suck it up. Not ideal at all, but also
Speaker 2: one of those things is like, you know, sometimes life's
Speaker 2: not ideal and you have to deal with it. I
Speaker 2: would try to avoid calling my child a name that
Speaker 2: any of my good friends would use, like that is
Speaker 2: not something I want to do. Unless it was a
Speaker 2: very very meaningful name in my family and a family
Speaker 2: name I wanted to pass on, I would avoid it.
Speaker 2: But for this case, girl first in best dressed, go
Speaker 2: get pregnant one hundred percent.
Speaker 1: I am like, I've had these conversations with my friends,
Speaker 1: and I've always sort of had the stance of like,
Speaker 1: it is one hundred percent first in best dress, but
Speaker 1: also on that I think if you've had the conversation
Speaker 1: with your friend early, especially when you guys are not pregnant,
Speaker 1: if you've talked about names that you like and you're
Speaker 1: both aware that you like the same name, if you
Speaker 1: choose to both call the kid the same name. No
Speaker 1: one can be angry, do you know what I mean? Like,
Speaker 1: you've already had the conversation. Even if she does it
Speaker 1: first or you do it first, if the other person
Speaker 1: still chooses to call their kid that name, you can't
Speaker 1: be annoyed by it. I actually had this situation happened
Speaker 1: to a friend of mine, except that at the time
Speaker 1: when they were discussing names that they liked, her friend
Speaker 1: was pregnant, so she was like, Oh, what girl's names
Speaker 1: do you like? And my friend was like, I really
Speaker 1: like the name Sophie, Like Sophie is a name that
Speaker 1: I love. And at the time her friend was pregnant,
Speaker 1: her friend hadn't really considered the name Sophie.
Speaker 2: Then she took it, and then she took it. That's
Speaker 2: a no go.
Speaker 1: But my friend wasn't pregnant, she hasn't had a baby
Speaker 1: girl yet, and her friend now has a two year
Speaker 1: old name Sophie totally.
Speaker 2: And this is the thing, like, maybe you're not gonna
Speaker 2: say friends with that person for the rest of your life,
Speaker 2: so maybe in five years time you don't even know them,
Speaker 2: so it's okay to have Sophie totally, but it would
Speaker 2: land a little bit different with me if you and I, Laura,
Speaker 2: let's use us. If you and I had a conversation,
Speaker 2: right and I was like, I love the name Isabelle,
Speaker 2: You're like, oh my god, that's on my list as well.
Speaker 2: That's different first invest dress. But if I said to you,
Speaker 2: I love the name Isabelle, you weren't pregnant, then you
Speaker 2: went and got pre and you're like, oh, I've never
Speaker 2: thought of that, and then you were like, hey, just
Speaker 2: so you know, I'm going to use Isabelle, I'd be like, okay,
Speaker 2: Like okay, cool, Like it's still okay, But it would
Speaker 2: hit differently for me knowing that you literally just stole
Speaker 2: my name. Yeah, but I still think it's a first
Speaker 2: in best dress situation.
Speaker 1: Because you may never have a kid, right, And I
Speaker 1: also think in that like, it still lands different.
Speaker 2: It's still like, yeah, received my name, bitch, I love it.
Speaker 1: But I do think that we become weirdly territorial about names.
Speaker 2: And I don't know where that's come from. I don't
Speaker 2: know what the societal implication of that is. Why we're
Speaker 2: so adverse to anybody else having the same name. I
Speaker 2: don't know if he saw this. But this is something
Speaker 2: that's making me think of it. It's just happened in
Speaker 2: the last few days. So Kylie Jenner just had a baby,
Speaker 2: a baby boy, and she called him Wolf. Tammy Hembro,
Speaker 2: who is an Australian influencer, she's like the fitness influencer.
Speaker 2: I think maybe once or twice she has met the
Speaker 2: Kardashians because she did a job for Good American with
Speaker 2: Chloe kardash.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure Tammy Hembrow actually passed out face down
Speaker 1: at a Kardashian party.
Speaker 2: Daddy taken out on a stretcher, that is said Tammy Hembro. Yeah,
Speaker 2: there we go. So she's Tammy has a son that
Speaker 2: is maybe he's five or six, Like he's not young young,
Speaker 2: he's a bit older. But regardless, his name is Wolf,
Speaker 2: but she calls him wolfre And so apparently, and this
Speaker 2: is all this is all allegedly, but apparently Tammy's had
Speaker 2: a bit of a dig about Kylie thieving her name.
Speaker 2: And I just thought, you're in a different country and
Speaker 2: you've met the girl twice, and there's years and years apart.
Speaker 2: I don't think you're allowed to do that.
Speaker 1: I don't reckon she's gonna be like, I don't think
Speaker 1: she was inspired, like like, oh, I'm gonna name my
Speaker 1: kid after the girl who passed out at my party
Speaker 1: and got taken.
Speaker 2: A husband or only her kid's name.
Speaker 1: But anyway, guys like I generinely think to wrap this
Speaker 1: one up, I think that maybe we can have a
Speaker 1: little bit too much protection over names that we choose,
Speaker 1: especially when we haven't like, especially if you haven't got
Speaker 1: kids yet or whatever, Like, you can feel a bit
Speaker 1: of sense of ownership.
Speaker 2: That is not really entire, that you're not really entitled to.
Speaker 2: Secondly to that, though, the only time when it's an
Speaker 2: exception is if it's a name that actually has like family,
Speaker 2: real sentimental meaning to you. If it's a name that,
Speaker 2: like for you, means something to your family, it's part
Speaker 2: of your heritage, it's you have a really strong tie
Speaker 2: to it, then I understand why you would be more upset.
Speaker 2: But if it's just a name that you like, suck
Speaker 2: it up. Suck it up. It's first in best dressed.
Speaker 1: Okay, question number two, al rightie, question number two. I
Speaker 1: really like this one. I met a guy at a
Speaker 1: party and I went back to his when we were
Speaker 1: in his bed. We were pretty hot and heavy kissing,
Speaker 1: and we were about to progress things. I was teasing
Speaker 1: a little bit and I was delaying things, you know,
Speaker 1: just normal shit. I was trying to like build the
Speaker 1: suspense before I serviced him. When he said, just put
Speaker 1: it in your mouth, you fucking bitch, I was immediately
Speaker 1: taken back. I didn't know this bloke from a bar
Speaker 1: of soap. I was extremely offended because I felt like
Speaker 1: he had crossed a line and it was an extremely
Speaker 1: misogynistic and demeaning thing to say. I literally got up,
Speaker 1: put my clothes on, and left the bloke with his
Speaker 1: dick in the wind. He switched straight away into apology mode,
Speaker 1: but I had already gotten the ick, as I felt
Speaker 1: like his tone had deeply misogynistic values.
Speaker 2: There. My question is what are your thoughts on dirty talk?
Speaker 2: When is an appropriate time to begin down that path?
Speaker 2: And if someone crosses your boundary in a one night stand,
Speaker 2: what do you do?
Speaker 1: Oh, there are a lot of questions in that. Let's
Speaker 1: just start with when it's appropriate.
Speaker 2: Well, I think for this situation, I completely get where
Speaker 2: you were coming from. I get why you're offended, and
Speaker 2: I get why you were like you know what, I'm
Speaker 2: out of here. This isn't appropriate because it doesn't sound
Speaker 2: like it was a appropriate. It sounds like it came
Speaker 2: one hundred miles an hour when there was nothing else
Speaker 2: was going on to let him know that you were
Speaker 2: okay with that. So I feel like that is definitely
Speaker 2: a time and a place that it wasn't acceptable. There
Speaker 2: are a lot of people out there that love dirty talk.
Speaker 2: There are a lot of people in that situation that
Speaker 2: would have rolled with it and would have been okay
Speaker 2: with it. And that's completely okay because it's up to
Speaker 2: personal preference. But I think there needs to be a
Speaker 2: level of ease into it. There has to be a
Speaker 2: really slow build up, and you know, there is also
Speaker 2: a level of consent. There is a level of well,
Speaker 2: I don't know. I don't know if you have to
Speaker 2: sit there and actually say can I dirty talk to you?
Speaker 2: I think it's something that starts with like do you
Speaker 2: like this or toe there's got to be like a
Speaker 2: real ease into that. So absolutely, there is nothing you
Speaker 2: have done wrong from feeling uncomfortable and get up and leaving. Firstly,
Speaker 2: do not feel like that. It's just this is a
Speaker 2: very very personal thing that with some girls that would
Speaker 2: be like, I'd fucking jump on that. I would love that,
Speaker 2: And there are other girls that are like, that's not cool,
Speaker 2: it's completely personal. I think you've done the right thing
Speaker 2: for the situation. And I also, I mean, I agree
Speaker 2: with you.
Speaker 1: I would find it so dim meaning if it's someone
Speaker 1: that you don't have an emotional connection with it, it's
Speaker 1: someone who doesn't know where your boundaries lie. It is
Speaker 1: incredibly assuming of them to think that you would be
Speaker 1: okay with that level of dirty talk. And I think
Speaker 1: also like, yeah, sure, there are definitely some people out
Speaker 1: there who are okay with it, but someone calling you
Speaker 1: a bitch and saying just put it in your mouth,
Speaker 1: like fuck, that is so steeped in misogyny and steeved
Speaker 1: in the thought that like every girl would be okay
Speaker 1: with that. I think that there are very few girls
Speaker 1: who straight off the bat wouldn't feel a little bit
Speaker 1: of like, oh, that sits uncomfortably with me, Like I
Speaker 1: don't feel respected in this.
Speaker 2: Moment for me, that chat, I don't. I don't mind
Speaker 2: that chat. If it came down the track with someone
Speaker 2: I've been dating for a long time and that I
Speaker 2: was comfortable with that knew my boundaries that I loved.
Speaker 2: But I would not be down for that with someone
Speaker 2: I just meant totally.
Speaker 1: And I think that's the difference, Like, yeah, sure, you
Speaker 1: might be okay with that from someone who you know
Speaker 1: cares about you and has your best interests at heart
Speaker 1: and doesn't actually think the things that they're saying exactly exactly,
Speaker 1: And that's the difference. That's where the line with dirty
Speaker 1: talk is blurred. Like if you think he actually thinks
Speaker 1: you're a bitch, if he actually has that little respect
Speaker 1: for you, dirty talk's not fun anymore.
Speaker 2: It's just degrading.
Speaker 1: But when dirty talk is sexy, it's when like you're
Speaker 1: kind of playing in that it's a bit naughty, but
Speaker 1: you also had that respect for each other. You're not
Speaker 1: doing it to demean or degrade who that person is. Look,
Speaker 1: I would absolutely have gotten up and walked out in
Speaker 1: that situation as well. How do you do that? How
Speaker 1: do you get up and leave? Is the next question
Speaker 1: of this. I understand that for some people, once you're
Speaker 1: at that point in sex, it can feel like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's a big statement. It's intimidating to be like, cool,
Speaker 1: I'm not vibing this I'm gonna I'm gonna go. And
Speaker 1: I know that there are girls and probably guys who
Speaker 1: have been in situations where the sex is already too
Speaker 1: far gone that they don't feel comfortable in saying no,
Speaker 1: so they just do it anyway, even though they're not
Speaker 1: really enjoying it.
Speaker 2: Which we are not encouraging off no.
Speaker 1: And what I'm going to say is I hope that
Speaker 1: if you get anything out of every podcast episode that
Speaker 1: you ever listen to, it's this. There is never a
Speaker 1: time during sex where it has gone too far where
Speaker 1: you can't just get up, get off, and get the
Speaker 1: fuck out of there. Consent a continual thing that you
Speaker 1: can give to someone, and if you were fully into
Speaker 1: it and vibing it and it was great and then
Speaker 1: something changes in you for whatever reason, you can always
Speaker 1: get up and leave. I don't ever want someone to
Speaker 1: think like, oh, I was just gonna do it, Just
Speaker 1: get it over with, Just get it over with, because
Speaker 1: I'm here now, you know, because like you don't owe
Speaker 1: anybody that ever.
Speaker 2: I do like and let's just like have a look
Speaker 2: at the other side for a second. I do like
Speaker 2: and appreciate that it sounds like when this guy realized
Speaker 2: he'd stepped over the mark that he did apologize and say, look,
Speaker 2: I am sorry, But the thing is, in that moment,
Speaker 2: you'll never get back to that I want to have
Speaker 2: sex with you moment when you have been turned off
Speaker 2: so much like that, and you will never look at
Speaker 2: him the same, So like he was never recovering from that.
Speaker 2: And we don't know, we're not in the situation, but
Speaker 2: I just want to say, like, at least he turned
Speaker 2: around and said, wholl, I'm sorry. I definitely overstepped the mark.
Speaker 2: That was too much. We don't know what his intentions
Speaker 2: were behind the apology, but I'm just trying to look
Speaker 2: at this from all sides.
Speaker 1: Look, I think dirty talk is one of those things
Speaker 1: that there is a very big spectrum around what isn't
Speaker 1: isn't acceptable, But I do genuinely think that there has
Speaker 1: to be some warming up to it. You can't just
Speaker 1: expect when it comes to anything in a sexual relationship
Speaker 1: that the other person is just totally fine with it,
Speaker 1: especially if it's a new sexual partner.
Speaker 2: Question. And number three, I've been sleeping with my neighbor
Speaker 2: who's four years older than me for about three months now.
Speaker 2: He has just said that he wants to go into
Speaker 2: the dating world again, but continue to sleep with me.
Speaker 2: Of course he has. I don't have any feeling for him,
Speaker 2: but the sexual chemistry is there. If I make the
Speaker 2: bold move by asking him on a date, is this
Speaker 2: going to ruin the friends with benefits situation? Or should
Speaker 2: I just stay quiet and let him go and do
Speaker 2: his thing.
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, like, okay, part of me is like,
Speaker 1: why do you want to ask him on a date
Speaker 1: if it's just sexual connection and you don't have any
Speaker 1: feelings for him? After hooking up with him for four months,
Speaker 1: I feel like you would kind of know whether there
Speaker 1: was something more there?
Speaker 2: Is there a reason? She actually says, like, I don't
Speaker 2: have any feelings for him.
Speaker 1: I don't think that you need to go on a
Speaker 1: date with him. I feel like the only reason why
Speaker 1: you're wanting to go on a date with him is
Speaker 1: because there may be some ego or territory that's kind
Speaker 1: of like crept up on you, you know. I think
Speaker 1: it's never nice when someone who is a friends with
Speaker 1: benefits person when they say, oh, you know, like I'm
Speaker 1: going to go on a date with this other person
Speaker 1: because you feel like, well, why aren't I good enough?
Speaker 2: To date.
Speaker 1: But I think sometimes you have to step back and
Speaker 1: look at it and you're like, do I even actually
Speaker 1: want to date this person? Is this somebody who I
Speaker 1: could see myself in a relationship with, or do we
Speaker 1: just have great sexual chemistry and it is absolutely okay
Speaker 1: to have awesome chemistry with someone and not see anything
Speaker 1: more beyond that.
Speaker 2: Well, this is what I find interesting about this, because
Speaker 2: I think you do need to take a step back.
Speaker 2: And I'm wondering if maybe you thought you didn't have
Speaker 2: feelings for him, but you do, which is very very understandable.
Speaker 2: You've been sleeping with him for three months and it's
Speaker 2: really really good. Maybe you have put yourself in a
Speaker 2: situation where you're like, oh, he's just a guy I'm
Speaker 2: sleeping with, Like I don't like him. He's then told
Speaker 2: you that I'm going to go and meet someone else,
Speaker 2: and something inside of you is Gone'll hang on a minute.
Speaker 2: I need to ask you out. Maybe you need to
Speaker 2: think about have feelings actually developed there? Maybe you want
Speaker 2: to go on this date to trial it. Maybe you're like, well,
Speaker 2: we haven't actually ever dated, we've just started hooking up.
Speaker 2: It is what it is. Maybe he thinks you don't
Speaker 2: want anymore. Maybe you think he doesn't want anymore. Maybe
Speaker 2: it's a fact that you have a conversation. So I
Speaker 2: think if there is something plain in your mind, that
Speaker 2: you should speak up about it. I don't know if
Speaker 2: you have to say do you want to go on
Speaker 2: an official date with me? But maybe you say it
Speaker 2: without saying it. Maybe next time you're gonna hook up,
Speaker 2: you say, hey, do you want to go for dinner first?
Speaker 2: Or do you want to grab a drink first? I'll
Speaker 2: change the scene a little bit because maybe you guys
Speaker 2: aren't looking at each other in that light, because you're
Speaker 2: never in that light. Maybe you late night, go over
Speaker 2: to each other's house, you have sex, you leave, you
Speaker 2: might not even stay. Who knows.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I guess the only thing with this though, is like,
Speaker 1: just because you might feel a little bit of like, oh,
Speaker 1: a pain or like a bit bit of jealousy or something,
Speaker 1: when he says he's gonna start dating, does that mean
Speaker 1: that you should date him? Probably not, Like I think
Speaker 1: it's normal to feel something also, sometimes like we can
Speaker 1: confuse our ego and being in competition for someone and
Speaker 1: like feel like, well, why don't they like me?
Speaker 2: Without actually sitting down unpacking. Is this someone who I
Speaker 2: want to date? Is this someone who I would want
Speaker 2: to be my boyfriend? Or do I just want to
Speaker 2: be wanted totally? And the reason I say this is
Speaker 2: I had some friends that were exactly this situation. They
Speaker 2: were friends with benefits because they met, they lived in
Speaker 2: the same apartment building, so they was just such an
Speaker 2: easy hook up all the time they were young. He
Speaker 2: exactly this. He was like, Okay, I'm going to date
Speaker 2: other people. I'm going to see other people, and she
Speaker 2: was like, WHOA hold on a minute. Anyway, fast forward
Speaker 2: probably seven years. They've just had a baby, because they
Speaker 2: realized that when they thought there was something that they weren't,
Speaker 2: there were more feelings there than they thought. When they
Speaker 2: tried to pull away and do their own thing, they
Speaker 2: realized that, well, like, I actually don't really want to
Speaker 2: be theyone else and I'm looking at you in a
Speaker 2: different way. And yeah, they went and got married and
Speaker 2: had a baby, and I think that that is just
Speaker 2: something that you need to figure out on your own.
Speaker 2: I would just suggest you try and see him in
Speaker 2: a different light, like a different sceni physically, like put
Speaker 2: yourself in an environment is different, take it away from
Speaker 2: because if you just want sex with someone, then yeah,
Speaker 2: you don't need to go out to dinner. You don't
Speaker 2: need to hang out in the day and go and
Speaker 2: do fun things. You have sex. If you want to
Speaker 2: see someone else or try something different, then you physically
Speaker 2: have to remove yourself from the environment and do it.
Speaker 2: So maybe you go surfing together, maybe you do a
Speaker 2: day thing that has no sex. Maybe hang out just
Speaker 2: one time and don't have sex, go to dinner. So
Speaker 2: if I were you in this situation, just to figure
Speaker 2: it out, I would ask to have dinner or a
Speaker 2: drink or something. Sure, you can go and have sex
Speaker 2: after if you want, but just like actually talk to
Speaker 2: each other and hang out and figure out if there
Speaker 2: are feelings there.
Speaker 1: Okay, the last thing I want to say on this
Speaker 1: whole conversation is I mean, I love that he's been
Speaker 1: honest about it. I love that he's told you that
Speaker 1: he's going to go date and that he's like, well,
Speaker 1: you know, we can keep sleeping together, but I'm going
Speaker 1: to go and keep my options open. I love that
Speaker 1: there was some honesty around that and he just didn't
Speaker 1: do it. But maybe sit with it and see how
Speaker 1: you actually feel about it. Because like sometimes the friends
Speaker 1: with benefits think can make you feel a bit crazy
Speaker 1: when actually they go out and they say dating other people,
Speaker 1: and you know, also the whole like being safe finding out,
Speaker 1: like what are the rules around who you can and
Speaker 1: can't have sex with? Do you tell each other? Like
Speaker 1: what does that look like? And how does that play out?
Speaker 2: So that you know that you're going to be comfortable
Speaker 2: each step of the way and not go absolutely fucking
Speaker 2: crazy from this situation. Also, it's totally okay for you
Speaker 2: and not want of friends with benefits anymore knowing that
Speaker 2: he's with other people, Like if every situation changes and evolves,
Speaker 2: and your feelings towards that change and evolved too, So
Speaker 2: if you're not happy knowing that he's going and hooking
Speaker 2: up with someone else, pulled the pin because essentially he
Speaker 2: wants his gay can eat it too. He's like, Hey,
Speaker 2: just so you know, like I want to properly date
Speaker 2: people and look at it, but I want to fuck
Speaker 2: you until I find that.
Speaker 1: So like that's what okay for a girlfriend, but you're
Speaker 1: not going to be it. It's what he's saying right now.
Speaker 1: All right, let's get into the very last question. I
Speaker 1: also freaking love this question. I think that this one
Speaker 1: maybe we'll we I feel like this one's going to
Speaker 1: bring up a few feelings in a lot of people.
Speaker 1: There'll be people that will agree and disagree. Okay, I
Speaker 1: put up a bikini mirror selfie. I've been working really
Speaker 1: hard on my fitness and I'm super proud of my
Speaker 1: and I feel really great about my body at the moment,
Speaker 1: and I was like, fuck it, I'm allowed to.
Speaker 2: Be happy with my body. Anyway.
Speaker 1: My boyfriend wasn't so happy and said he didn't like
Speaker 1: that I posted the photo and none of his friends
Speaker 1: girlfriends would post something like that, Should I feel guilty
Speaker 1: about doing this? Did I do anything wrong? Like? I
Speaker 1: was so proud of myself and the way my body looked,
Speaker 1: and now I just feel like.
Speaker 2: Crap, No, you did not do anything wrong. That is
Speaker 2: what my very first initial top surface thought is. Absolutely,
Speaker 2: it is your body, You've worked hard, it is your Instagram,
Speaker 2: it's your page. You haven't done anything wrong by doing that.
Speaker 1: If you want to put up a fire little selfie,
Speaker 1: you go for a girlfriend who doesn't love a fie selfie.
Speaker 2: I also love watching other women support their friends and
Speaker 2: stuff when they do that they're like fire. I always
Speaker 2: write like fire flames to like my friends sit do
Speaker 2: it because I think good on you, Like we're young,
Speaker 2: we're proud, we're fit, we're healthy. You. At the end
Speaker 2: of the day, you did it for you, That's what
Speaker 2: it was for. And you have said that, You've said
Speaker 2: I was proud of my bad You didn't do it
Speaker 2: because you're trying to find someone else to hook up with.
Speaker 2: That's not what it's about. So no, you haven't done
Speaker 2: anything wrong. Now, there is a part of this that
Speaker 2: we do need to try to talk about, and it
Speaker 2: is a difficult thing to navigate, but there does have
Speaker 2: to be a level of conversation and respect with your partner.
Speaker 2: If they say something, not just this, but anything in
Speaker 2: a relationship. If they say something's making them feel really
Speaker 2: uncomfortable or they're not happy with it, you definitely need
Speaker 2: to hear your partner out and talk about it and
Speaker 2: find a way around it. So I think that you
Speaker 2: need to have a conversation with your partner, explain why
Speaker 2: you did it and what it meant, and then ask
Speaker 2: him why he isn't happy with it, and maybe you
Speaker 2: guys can come to an agreement. But there definitely has
Speaker 2: to be these conversations, Like, if he has expressed some
Speaker 2: level of discomfort, you have to give him two seconds
Speaker 2: to listen and talk about it. This is what I think, Yeah,
Speaker 2: and I guess like with this, obviously, nobody has a
Speaker 2: right to tell you what you can and can't do,
Speaker 2: Like we know that we have autonomy over our own body.
Speaker 2: But also when you're in a relationship and there's mutual
Speaker 2: respect for each other, you do listen to where each
Speaker 2: other's hurt has come from. Obviously, one we don't know
Speaker 2: what the selfie was, Like. Is it a selfie where
Speaker 2: you just look hot and you're standing in a bikini
Speaker 2: in a mirror? Is it a hyper sexualized photo? Have
Speaker 2: you linked your only fans? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Like, is it a super super sexy photo that maybe
Speaker 1: gives off the impression that you're single or that you're
Speaker 1: seeking validation from elsewhere. This is not so much about
Speaker 1: you or even really about what the photo is, to
Speaker 1: be honest, it's more about his level of insecurity or security,
Speaker 1: and there's something about that picture that's made him feel insecure.
Speaker 2: He is you look so hot?
Speaker 1: He's probably damn, everyone's gonna everyone's gonna have hot shit totally,
Speaker 1: and he probably is like, well, why is she seeking
Speaker 1: validation from other people?
Speaker 2: For example, if you have your profile on public and
Speaker 2: you're posting a photo that's, you know, really beautiful photo
Speaker 2: of yourself where it's like quite sexualized, he's probably thinking,
Speaker 2: why does she need validation around her body from people
Speaker 2: who she doesn't know and who aren't me, And like
Speaker 2: that's his own insecurities creeping through. And maybe there is
Speaker 2: more to it than like the seeking of validation. You
Speaker 2: know you've done it for yourself.
Speaker 1: But I do think that there is some part of
Speaker 1: this where I don't just want to shit on him
Speaker 1: for feeling the way he's felt, because I think, for example, Brett,
Speaker 1: like if Jordan posted a photo of human his underwear
Speaker 1: with a raging boner, would you be a bit like.
Speaker 2: Why are we doing? Like why did you post that?
Speaker 2: I'd be like, damn you little hot? But that's different
Speaker 2: because that is so sexualized. Like if he posted a
Speaker 2: photo if you had to post it, a topless photo
Speaker 2: with his okay, yeah, but I would have been like
Speaker 2: that's hot.
Speaker 1: What if it was a selfie from like above? He
Speaker 1: was like oiled up to the max, so he was
Speaker 1: like fate tanned oiled up, so all of his abs
Speaker 1: were like rippled, like a real tinder photo, you know,
Speaker 1: like when guys are just so it's such an obviously
Speaker 1: single photo and you're doing it as a thirst trap.
Speaker 2: Would there be a little bit of you?
Speaker 1: Which is especially because he's never done it before, so
Speaker 1: it's very different behavior. So let's say you've been a
Speaker 1: relationship for six years, your partner's never ever posted a
Speaker 1: photo like that, and all of a sudden they do.
Speaker 1: Would there be a little bit of you that's like, oh,
Speaker 1: why did you feel the need to Definitely if it's
Speaker 1: out of.
Speaker 2: The blue, for sure, But I also don't like those
Speaker 2: photos anyway. So if I met Jordan and I went
Speaker 2: on like a meme on line and I went and
Speaker 2: looked at his profile, if his profile was full of
Speaker 2: those photos, I probably wouldn't have dated him. And I
Speaker 2: know that is super really superficial, but that's the truth
Speaker 2: for me. I don't like that, but I would have. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I wouldn't be happy if out of the blue he
Speaker 2: started posting really sexualized photos. But if you just post
Speaker 2: hot topless photos at the beach when he looks ripped,
Speaker 2: I would have been like, dangn you look hot. I
Speaker 2: think that's absolutely fine, especially when you're in a relationship
Speaker 2: where you trust each other. But that's again, this is
Speaker 2: personal opinion. There are a lot of people out there
Speaker 2: that aren't happy with seeing their partners do that. It
Speaker 2: just has to come down to a conversation. You just
Speaker 2: have to say why it's important to you and why
Speaker 2: it's actually okay, it's you, your body and you've worked
Speaker 2: really hard for it.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And I think like the big part of this
Speaker 1: is like without seeing without the photo evidence, without knowing
Speaker 1: exactly what that photo entails like, there can be the
Speaker 1: assumptions that it's sexual or sexualized, but in reality, it
Speaker 1: could just very well be like, you know, you standing
Speaker 1: in a bikini in front of the mirror. What I
Speaker 1: don't like about this is I don't like the comparison
Speaker 1: to other girlfriends. I don't like him saying, oh, my
Speaker 1: friends other girlfriends wouldn't do that, that's why you're.
Speaker 2: Not dating them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think that that's a really unfair way
Speaker 1: of framing it, because all that's doing is trying to
Speaker 1: make you feel guilty and shameful, and that's not a
Speaker 1: healthy or constructive place to come from with this conversation
Speaker 1: like you shouldn't feel shameful, but you do have to
Speaker 1: listen to his reasons as to why and come to
Speaker 1: a place where you both mutually agree. But him shaming
Speaker 1: you around this and making you feel like crap, it's
Speaker 1: not constructive and it's not helping the situation at all either.
Speaker 2: And I just think to end this, you both really
Speaker 2: need to not be coming at each other. And if
Speaker 2: you guys are in this situation, it's not about he said,
Speaker 2: she said, you did this, I did this, You're wrong,
Speaker 2: I'm wrong. This is what I think, this is what
Speaker 2: you think. It's not about that. It's just about a
Speaker 2: really adult conversation about your feelings and what it does
Speaker 2: to you. That's literally all you need to do. You
Speaker 2: need to have a discussion, not a screaming match, not
Speaker 2: get angry at each other, not about each other behind
Speaker 2: each other's backs, to each other's friends. It's just an
Speaker 2: adult conversation about feelings, about validation. I reckon, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: one hundred percent. But anyway, I'm glad you're hot, I'm
Speaker 2: glad you're wore friend, I'm glad you're happy, totally, And
Speaker 2: if you want to take a fire selfie.
Speaker 1: You are more than welcome to send it to him
Speaker 1: maybe first, yes, send it.
Speaker 2: In first and then maybe.
Speaker 1: Do then put it on heyway, guys, And that is
Speaker 1: it from us. If you have a question for next
Speaker 1: week's Ask Uncut, you can slide on into the DMS
Speaker 1: at Life Uncut podcast. Ask us your questions, send us
Speaker 1: your accidentally unfiltered stories, send us your confessionals. Whatever happens
Speaker 1: to you this week, we want to know about
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