1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,120 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:10,160 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers. 3 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,560 Speaker 2: Now, I think the most magical part of an apology 4 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:19,600 Speaker 2: with a child is just their absolute one hundred percent forgiveness. 5 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:23,639 Speaker 2: They have a capacity to forgive like no one else. 6 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:27,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, and now here's the stars of our show, My 7 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:28,360 Speaker 1: Mom and Dad. 8 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:32,200 Speaker 3: Today's podcast, we're going to share five phrases that will 9 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:37,480 Speaker 3: help to transform your relationship with your child. Five phrases 10 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,839 Speaker 3: that will help to transform your relationship with your child. 11 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:43,519 Speaker 3: In fact, I just thought of a sixth one, so 12 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,519 Speaker 3: I'm going to make it six That's the podcast as 13 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,120 Speaker 3: of today, KYLEI, because I've just come up with a 14 00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:49,080 Speaker 3: sixth one. Things that we can say to our kids 15 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,199 Speaker 3: when things aren't quite right, when things are looking a 16 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,400 Speaker 3: little bit rough, a little bit rugged, a little bit down, 17 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:57,440 Speaker 3: a bit like they are today for Colely, for me. 18 00:00:58,320 --> 00:00:59,800 Speaker 3: So let's savee into it. Should we just do it 19 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,200 Speaker 3: the things that we see in the Kilson household all 20 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,560 Speaker 3: the time. You just wrote it down and showed it 21 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:05,800 Speaker 3: to me, the one that I just thought of, So 22 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,520 Speaker 3: why don't we start right there and you can have 23 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,479 Speaker 3: the glory? Can you can have the honor that comes 24 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:11,559 Speaker 3: with coming up with this one. 25 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:12,560 Speaker 2: Is that right? 26 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:14,080 Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah? 27 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:16,120 Speaker 2: Apologizing I am sorry? 28 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,920 Speaker 3: Yeah yeah. Well why would you say that transforms the 29 00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:21,240 Speaker 3: relationship with your kids. 30 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,679 Speaker 2: Because it helps our children to recognize that we get 31 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:27,000 Speaker 2: it wrong. When they're young, they think that we have 32 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:30,720 Speaker 2: the answers to everything. Yeah, they soon work it out 33 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,440 Speaker 2: that we don't. But in our efforts to help them 34 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:37,400 Speaker 2: be better people, they constantly feel like they're the only 35 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,240 Speaker 2: ones doing it wrong. 36 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:41,280 Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, and feeling competent all the time. Yeah, And 37 00:01:41,319 --> 00:01:42,600 Speaker 3: we make them feel worse about it. 38 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 2: And so I think it's so powerful as the adult 39 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:49,080 Speaker 2: in the relationship to admit when you do things wrong. 40 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,040 Speaker 3: So I've written an article that we will link to 41 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,120 Speaker 3: in the show notes about how to give a good apology. 42 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,800 Speaker 3: There are four steps to a good apology, and I 43 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,720 Speaker 3: think it's really important. I want to pick up on 44 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,640 Speaker 3: something else that you just said, though, Kylie. And when 45 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,560 Speaker 3: our older kids were growing up, the couple of kids 46 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:02,560 Speaker 3: we had when they were little, I used to have 47 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,160 Speaker 3: this phrase that I said to the kids all the time. 48 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 3: They would look at me in wonder and say, how 49 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:10,040 Speaker 3: do you know? Because I seemed to know everything to them. 50 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:11,760 Speaker 3: And I used to actually say that well, because I 51 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:14,160 Speaker 3: know everything, and I thought it was really fun and 52 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 3: really cute, and I just delighted in saying I know everything. 53 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:20,840 Speaker 3: But after i'd been doing that for a number of years, 54 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:24,960 Speaker 3: I discovered, or I realized, recognized, thought about it, and figured, 55 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,960 Speaker 3: it's not a great lesson to teach the kids. Number One, 56 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:29,680 Speaker 3: They're going to figure out one day that I don't 57 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,720 Speaker 3: know everything, and that's going to be a horrible day 58 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,960 Speaker 3: for us all. But more to the point, what am 59 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,840 Speaker 3: I teaching them about themselves other than that they are 60 00:02:37,919 --> 00:02:41,200 Speaker 3: inferior compared to the one who knows all. I just 61 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,880 Speaker 3: felt like it was setting them up for failure as 62 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,560 Speaker 3: much it was setting me up for failure, and so 63 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:48,639 Speaker 3: I stopped saying I know everything. I don't want the 64 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:50,280 Speaker 3: kids to think that I know everything. I want them 65 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:53,520 Speaker 3: to see the joy that comes from figuring things out well. 66 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,440 Speaker 2: Once they work out that you don't know everything. Their 67 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:56,320 Speaker 2: teachers though. 68 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,679 Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, yeah, yes, right, yeah. Oh. I hate it 69 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,280 Speaker 3: when the teachers apparently no more than me, especially about 70 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:05,720 Speaker 3: things that I'm well qualified in. Anyway, I'm sorry is 71 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 3: a phrase that we'll transform your relationship, and it just 72 00:03:08,639 --> 00:03:10,840 Speaker 3: feels good. Let's be honest. I mean, I know no 73 00:03:10,919 --> 00:03:12,680 Speaker 3: parent really wants to have to apologize to their kids, 74 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:14,120 Speaker 3: but it feels really good when you stay with your 75 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:15,799 Speaker 3: kiddo and you say I'm sorry, I got it wrong, 76 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:19,799 Speaker 3: I didn't know why this like that. It draws them 77 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:21,919 Speaker 3: closer to you, It draws you closer together. 78 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:25,840 Speaker 2: I think the most magical part of an apology with 79 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:31,440 Speaker 2: a child is just their absolute one hundred percent forgiveness. 80 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:36,600 Speaker 2: They have a capacity to forgive like no one else. Yeah, 81 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:41,240 Speaker 2: and it is so beautiful to see it given. 82 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,440 Speaker 3: I'm going to say humbling, because we make so hanghasses, 83 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:45,840 Speaker 3: we make such a mess of it. 84 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's that's a really good word. It's really humbling 85 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:54,360 Speaker 2: when you know you've just stuffed it up so badly 86 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,520 Speaker 2: and you see the look in their eyes and you 87 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,440 Speaker 2: feel their love and know that it's going to be okay. 88 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,360 Speaker 3: So here's the second phrase that I think can help 89 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,800 Speaker 3: you to transform your relationship with your child. We spend 90 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,840 Speaker 3: so much time telling them what to do and what 91 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,280 Speaker 3: I have found and practiced, and you've seen this happen, 92 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:13,840 Speaker 3: especially during the mornings in our home. Is there's a 93 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,800 Speaker 3: question that I ask the kids. It's a phrase that 94 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,680 Speaker 3: I use all the time as they're getting ready in 95 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:21,000 Speaker 3: the morning to change the way this happens. And I'm 96 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:25,280 Speaker 3: going to potentially embarrass myself here and put us both 97 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,880 Speaker 3: on the spot. What phrase do you think that I'm 98 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:28,360 Speaker 3: referring to? 99 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,240 Speaker 2: It would be how can I help? 100 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,160 Speaker 3: Oh, thank goodness for that I've actually said it and 101 00:04:32,279 --> 00:04:34,240 Speaker 3: been heard. I was worried that you're going to look 102 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:35,880 Speaker 3: at me blankly and say, I don't know, you know, 103 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,960 Speaker 3: talk in the mornings, Yeah, how can I help? Instead 104 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:42,200 Speaker 3: of correction and direction, the question how can I help? 105 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,520 Speaker 3: Shows the kids that hey, I'm on your side and 106 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:46,320 Speaker 3: I'm here to connect with you and guide you and 107 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,520 Speaker 3: work with you rather than just tell you what to 108 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,919 Speaker 3: do all the time. And I believe that it transforms 109 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 3: the relationship. 110 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:53,840 Speaker 2: You do it with me all the time as well. 111 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,440 Speaker 2: And it's just it's so wonderful to recognize that you 112 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:01,120 Speaker 2: can see that that what's how right now is difficult, 113 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,800 Speaker 2: but you're not presuming to understand or know what it 114 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:04,440 Speaker 2: is that I need. 115 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:07,200 Speaker 3: And that's the critical thing here. As parents, we often 116 00:05:07,279 --> 00:05:09,320 Speaker 3: think we do know what's going on. We feel like 117 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,160 Speaker 3: we understand and we know what needs to be done 118 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:13,279 Speaker 3: to fix it, but it does our children know good 119 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,800 Speaker 3: for us to make it all better. The benefit, the growth, 120 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,760 Speaker 3: the development for our children comes as they figure out 121 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,240 Speaker 3: the answers with our gentle support. As we say how 122 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:24,720 Speaker 3: can I help? Or where to from here? Or what's next? 123 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:27,680 Speaker 3: Or what do you need? That shifts Do you know 124 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,400 Speaker 3: what it actually does? When I do it to you, 125 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,120 Speaker 3: when I do it to the kids, It doesn't matter 126 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,560 Speaker 3: what it does is it shifts the focus the sense 127 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,320 Speaker 3: of self efficacy. It's about you doing and not me doing. 128 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 3: It's empowering thing to say. 129 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:39,520 Speaker 1: Yeah. 130 00:05:40,279 --> 00:05:42,080 Speaker 2: The thought that came to my mind is it allows 131 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:42,919 Speaker 2: me to have a voice. 132 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:43,760 Speaker 3: Right. 133 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:47,440 Speaker 2: You're not presuming that what I actually need in this 134 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:51,279 Speaker 2: moment is blah blah blah. You're actually recognizing that you don't. 135 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,680 Speaker 2: Actually you don't see it all. You don't know it all. 136 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:58,360 Speaker 2: And while you think that you know, making my lunch 137 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:00,320 Speaker 2: is what I need? What I actually need you to 138 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,279 Speaker 2: help me find my socks? 139 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,520 Speaker 3: Right? Yeah, how can I help? I love it? The 140 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,160 Speaker 3: third one, just before we take a quick break. This 141 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,000 Speaker 3: one's a really short one. It's one that I picked 142 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:09,600 Speaker 3: up from my mum when I was a kid. Mom 143 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:11,240 Speaker 3: used to say this to me all the time. I 144 00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:14,280 Speaker 3: would say that it transformed our relationship in a kind 145 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:16,440 Speaker 3: of a negative way initially, but as I've gotten older, 146 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,800 Speaker 3: I've seen the wisdom in it and it transformed me 147 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,560 Speaker 3: as well. Do you know what my mum used to 148 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:24,160 Speaker 3: always say that drove me crazy, that we now say 149 00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:29,840 Speaker 3: to our children constantly. Hmmm, there's a few, right, This 150 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,880 Speaker 3: one's in particular, especially when the kids are winging and 151 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:32,960 Speaker 3: winning and I can't do it. 152 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,720 Speaker 2: Oh, can't means don't want to? 153 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,960 Speaker 3: Yeah, it can't means don't want to. Hate it when 154 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,400 Speaker 3: Mum said that to me. The kids hate it when 155 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,200 Speaker 3: we say it to them, but there's nothing true it. 156 00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:45,200 Speaker 3: Then can't means don't want to because the reality is 157 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:46,719 Speaker 3: when the kids are winging and winding, now, I can't 158 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,719 Speaker 3: do it, card it's too hard. When we give them 159 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:52,880 Speaker 3: a little bit of gentle, compassionate but clear tough love, Hey, kiddo, 160 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,320 Speaker 3: can't means don't want to? You can? And then we 161 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,080 Speaker 3: step into that other situation. So how can I help? 162 00:06:58,160 --> 00:06:59,920 Speaker 3: What do you need? Let's work on this to get 163 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,600 Speaker 3: Can't means don't want to is again, it's it's not 164 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,720 Speaker 3: a shutdown. It's actually empowering if you say it the 165 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:09,040 Speaker 3: right way, and it doesn't just transform your relationship and 166 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:12,440 Speaker 3: empower your kids, but it transforms your kids. So they're 167 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:14,680 Speaker 3: the first three of our six phrases that will help 168 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,680 Speaker 3: you transform your relationship with your child. I'm sorry, how 169 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:20,040 Speaker 3: can I help? And can't means don't want to? After 170 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:28,200 Speaker 3: the break my favorite three. You've asked politely, you've asked again, 171 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:32,280 Speaker 3: you've patiently waited, You've even made a threat, but finally 172 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:36,800 Speaker 3: you lose it. Listen to me, you shout. In the 173 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:41,000 Speaker 3: practical webinar the Screaming Spiral, you'll learn the top reasons 174 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:43,840 Speaker 3: why your child isn't listening, and you'll get pro tips 175 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,560 Speaker 3: and strategies to get them to hear without yelling. Available 176 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:48,920 Speaker 3: on the Happy Family's webshop. 177 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 2: Now it's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the 178 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,360 Speaker 2: time or parent who just wants answers? Now, Am I 179 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:55,040 Speaker 2: smiling or not? 180 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:58,120 Speaker 3: We are transforming our relationships with our children, and most 181 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,840 Speaker 3: what do you meaning? Are you smiling on it? What 182 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,840 Speaker 3: did I miss? What I'm miss I'm so focused on 183 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,560 Speaker 3: helping people make their families happier in a time poor 184 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,080 Speaker 3: so franched away. 185 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:07,440 Speaker 1: Yes. 186 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,320 Speaker 2: Last week we talked about the fact that if you 187 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:13,040 Speaker 2: just fake smile, you could tell, and you did. You 188 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,240 Speaker 2: did your whole thing. Am I smiling or not smiling? 189 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:16,480 Speaker 3: Right? That's right? 190 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,600 Speaker 2: And you weren't looking at me, So I was wondering, 191 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,920 Speaker 2: was I smiling when I said the tagline or not? 192 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,280 Speaker 3: You're smiling? Now I can tell that. I mean, I'm 193 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:24,680 Speaker 3: looking at you, but I could tell even with my 194 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,280 Speaker 3: eyes closed, that you're smiling because it makes you feel happy, 195 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,560 Speaker 3: doesn't it. We're talking about ways that we ways that 196 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:33,400 Speaker 3: we can transform our relationship with our kids by just uttering, memorizing, 197 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:37,440 Speaker 3: practicing specific phrases. We would love to know your phrases, 198 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:41,080 Speaker 3: By the way, send us a voice memo podcasts at 199 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:43,240 Speaker 3: Happy Families dot com dot you. All you have to 200 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:45,320 Speaker 3: do is open up your phone, go into voice memos. 201 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,760 Speaker 3: It can be a ten second message or less. Just 202 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:50,480 Speaker 3: say hey, Justin and Kylie, here's the phrase that I 203 00:08:50,679 --> 00:08:53,760 Speaker 3: use all the time that transforms my relationship with my child, 204 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,559 Speaker 3: and then let us know what that phrase is. I 205 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,280 Speaker 3: think that we should do a follow up podcast with 206 00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:59,920 Speaker 3: everybody else's phrases. Can you send that through a voice memo? 207 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:03,760 Speaker 3: To podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot auld would 208 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,599 Speaker 3: be stoked to hear from you phrase number four. This 209 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,920 Speaker 3: is one of my favorite ones. Don't use it often, 210 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,520 Speaker 3: but I use it in times where it really counts. 211 00:09:11,559 --> 00:09:13,200 Speaker 3: So the kids are having a hard time, maybe they've 212 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,240 Speaker 3: blown it, they've done the wrong thing, and I love 213 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,640 Speaker 3: to say to them, you mattered to me much more 214 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,240 Speaker 3: than this matters to me. You mattered to me much 215 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,120 Speaker 3: more than this matters to me. It's kind of a 216 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:24,760 Speaker 3: follow on from that idea that we've shared on the 217 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,760 Speaker 3: podcast before that people matter, things don't. So when the 218 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,800 Speaker 3: kids have blown it, when everything's going wrong, when emotions 219 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:35,079 Speaker 3: are hostile and hot and everyone's in a tiz, I 220 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,120 Speaker 3: just like to pull it back and say, do you 221 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:40,920 Speaker 3: know what, this relationship is far more important than the issue. 222 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,319 Speaker 3: We'll deal with the issue later. Let's just focus on 223 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,079 Speaker 3: the relationship right now. Can we be in a good 224 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:48,079 Speaker 3: place together in this relationship. I've said it to you, 225 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,800 Speaker 3: said it to the kids, and it's a really important, 226 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:55,079 Speaker 3: I think reset to help us to focus on what 227 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 3: matters most. Because the stuff that we're all fighting about 228 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:01,439 Speaker 3: and worried about and dealing with, it'll go Why eventually 229 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:04,280 Speaker 3: we'll work through it. The relationship has to endure, and 230 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:07,240 Speaker 3: so the relationship has to come first. I love it. 231 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:11,360 Speaker 3: Number five Okay, the fifth one is related to my 232 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 3: idea that you've got to love the hills. So if 233 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,520 Speaker 3: you're new to the podcast, you might not know this, 234 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,199 Speaker 3: but I love cycling. I've been riding bicycles for a 235 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,400 Speaker 3: long time and I love to jump on my bike 236 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:24,480 Speaker 3: and go for long rides, especially up big hills. But 237 00:10:24,559 --> 00:10:25,800 Speaker 3: a lot of people don't like hills. A lot of 238 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,480 Speaker 3: people cry and complain and winge and moan about hills 239 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,240 Speaker 3: because riding up hills is hard. But when you ride 240 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:34,920 Speaker 3: up hills, you grow, you develop your strengthen, you become 241 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,800 Speaker 3: a stronger cyclist, and the view at the top, when 242 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:40,719 Speaker 3: you get through that hard thing, it's always worth it. 243 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,960 Speaker 3: And so what I love to say to the kids 244 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,679 Speaker 3: is you've got to love the hills. But I always 245 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 3: add to it, I believe in you, You've got this. 246 00:10:48,679 --> 00:10:50,280 Speaker 3: It's that sense of I believe in you, You've got this, 247 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,560 Speaker 3: you can do this. You've got to love the hills. 248 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:53,520 Speaker 3: The hills make you strong. 249 00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 2: I think that's one that the kids probably hate more 250 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:59,960 Speaker 2: than they love. But Hopefully in time they'll recognize, just. 251 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,640 Speaker 3: Like you have with your mums commies don't want to. 252 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,199 Speaker 2: They'll recognize and see just how powerful that is. 253 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:11,360 Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, And the last one no surprises. I love you. Yeah, Well, 254 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,199 Speaker 3: that's got to be said all the time. But the 255 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:18,160 Speaker 3: times where it is the most impactful at the times 256 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,160 Speaker 3: where we add those three special words on the end, 257 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:23,120 Speaker 3: no matter what. Yeah yeah, I was saying I love 258 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:26,480 Speaker 3: you no matter what, particularly at times where it feels 259 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:30,640 Speaker 3: like a child is particularly unlovable, which is most days 260 00:11:30,679 --> 00:11:34,400 Speaker 3: in most families. From times like the kids can kind 261 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:36,240 Speaker 3: of drive you crazy when we sit down with them, 262 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,520 Speaker 3: especially after a challenge. I mean when we say you know, 263 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,120 Speaker 3: you know that I love you, but I need you 264 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,199 Speaker 3: to know I love you no matter what. There's just 265 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:47,640 Speaker 3: something powerful, there's something unconditional. The acceptance that comes along 266 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,000 Speaker 3: with that is incredibly powerful. 267 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:54,040 Speaker 2: I think the power actually comes as much as it's 268 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:57,559 Speaker 2: for the child, I think it's actually for us. It's 269 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:01,640 Speaker 2: a connection with our hearts. In a time where it's 270 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,719 Speaker 2: very easy to want to withdraw and put, you know, 271 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,240 Speaker 2: kind of shun when the challenges are hard, it's a 272 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:10,000 Speaker 2: reminder for us to connect. 273 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,480 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, in that way. Yeah, I love that. Now 274 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,719 Speaker 3: we've got these six phrases that will help you to 275 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,360 Speaker 3: transform your relationship with your child. Perhaps you've got others 276 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:19,080 Speaker 3: that you think we should know about. Please send them 277 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:22,199 Speaker 3: to us via a voice memo podcasts at happy Families 278 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,360 Speaker 3: dot com dot au. We would be delighted to hear 279 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,160 Speaker 3: from you. I want to make one more point before 280 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:28,280 Speaker 3: we wrap up the pod today, Kylie, and it's that 281 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,199 Speaker 3: a lot of people might be going, oh, yeah, I 282 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,079 Speaker 3: can't remember them all, there's too many. How am I 283 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,960 Speaker 3: supposed to know how to say it? Why are those 284 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,559 Speaker 3: words important? I just want to emphasize it's not actually 285 00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:44,120 Speaker 3: what you say. It's how you convey your feelings to 286 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,559 Speaker 3: your kids. It's that you say something and that you 287 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,920 Speaker 3: say it with warmth and compassion and understanding, forgiveness, whatever 288 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,720 Speaker 3: it needs to be. It's not so much the specific 289 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,400 Speaker 3: words that you say. You don't have to get the 290 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:58,079 Speaker 3: phrase right. You can be clumsy all over those words. 291 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:00,679 Speaker 3: But what's the intent behind what you're saying it and 292 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,200 Speaker 3: are your kids feeling it? That matters. That's what transform 293 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:06,760 Speaker 3: transforms the relationship even more than the words totally. 294 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,679 Speaker 2: You might you might have a word snacker doodles. 295 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:14,040 Speaker 3: Right, and snicker doodles just says something in your family. 296 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,720 Speaker 2: In our house, it's not even a word. It's an action. 297 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,280 Speaker 2: And the kids can see me from afar and if 298 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,520 Speaker 2: I do this action, I just wiggle my ear actually 299 00:13:21,559 --> 00:13:23,839 Speaker 2: with my hand. They know that it means I love them. 300 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,120 Speaker 3: I don't think I've ever seen you do that really, really, 301 00:13:27,559 --> 00:13:29,800 Speaker 3: you wiggle your ear well, I hold. 302 00:13:29,679 --> 00:13:31,800 Speaker 2: My ear up, yeah, and I just wiggle it with 303 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,959 Speaker 2: my hand. Kids used to used to do it with 304 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,480 Speaker 2: me when they were on the diving blocks for swimming carnivals. 305 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,760 Speaker 2: They hated getting up on those diving blocks, and I 306 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,679 Speaker 2: would stand at the other end of the pool and 307 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,560 Speaker 2: they'd look at me and I'd give them a little 308 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,439 Speaker 2: wiggle and they just knew that I loved them and 309 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:48,520 Speaker 2: that I was there for them. 310 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,360 Speaker 3: It's kind of like I've got this thing with them 311 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,160 Speaker 3: where I just I squeezed them three times. If you 312 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,079 Speaker 3: get three squeezes, that means I love you. 313 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:55,959 Speaker 2: Yeah, love it. 314 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:58,640 Speaker 3: So it's about the words, but it's also about the 315 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,959 Speaker 3: intent behind the words. We hope that these ideas will 316 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,120 Speaker 3: help you to transform your relationship with your children. We'd 317 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,360 Speaker 3: love to know what you do to transform your relationship 318 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 3: with your children. Send us a voice memo podcasters at 319 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:11,240 Speaker 3: happy families dot com dot Au. The Happy Families Podcast 320 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:13,560 Speaker 3: is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce 321 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,640 Speaker 3: is our executive producer, and if you'd like more and 322 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,040 Speaker 3: fol about making your family happier, you can visit us 323 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,960 Speaker 3: at happy families dot com dot Au. Tomorrow, on the podcast, 324 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:25,800 Speaker 3: we're talking about the habits of healthy relationships.