1 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:09,159 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Quick heads up. 2 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:13,960 Speaker 1: While not explicit, the content of today's podcast does touch. 3 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:16,200 Speaker 2: On things that are sexual in nature. 4 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:18,680 Speaker 1: That means that if you're listening with younger kids, you 5 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:20,760 Speaker 1: might want to press pause, find something else for them 6 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:22,360 Speaker 1: to listen to, and come back to this one a 7 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,360 Speaker 1: little bit later. 8 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:24,520 Speaker 2: Just a heads up. 9 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:28,760 Speaker 1: The content of today's podcast, while not explicit, does include 10 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:33,680 Speaker 1: some discussion of things that are slightly sexual in nature. Okay, 11 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:38,279 Speaker 1: so what do you do when your eleven year old 12 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:41,520 Speaker 1: daughter announces that she's a lesbian at the same time 13 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,919 Speaker 1: that five of her friends have all announced that they 14 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,320 Speaker 1: are It's all happening in the same month. A listener 15 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 1: said us a voice note and asked if we could 16 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:53,000 Speaker 1: please discuss something that schools won't talk about and most 17 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:56,000 Speaker 1: parents are too afraid to mention girls, pornography and the 18 00:00:56,040 --> 00:01:00,520 Speaker 1: mass confusion happening right now around sexual identity. Noticed this 19 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,800 Speaker 1: pattern if you've felt not in your stomach watching it 20 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:06,040 Speaker 1: and fold and thinking they're too young, do they really 21 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,000 Speaker 1: know what they're doing? Why is it all happening to 22 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:09,920 Speaker 1: so many of them at once rather than just one 23 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:12,320 Speaker 1: here and one there. If you've wondered whether you're the 24 00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:15,000 Speaker 1: only one seeing it. You're not alone, and we will 25 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:20,080 Speaker 1: talk about it. Stay with us every Tuesday on the 26 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,959 Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast. We answer your tricky questions and today 27 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:25,800 Speaker 1: it's a doozy. Oh my goodness, what do you do 28 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,520 Speaker 1: when you're eleven year old tells you that she's identifying 29 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:31,959 Speaker 1: as a lesbian. Hello and welcome to the Happy Family's podcast, 30 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,560 Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions every Day. This is Australia's most downloaded 31 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:38,000 Speaker 1: parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Tricky questions, 32 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,320 Speaker 1: we'll answer anything, or do our very best to do 33 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:46,640 Speaker 1: that sensitively, carefully and appropriately, considering your child's developmental circumstances, 34 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,480 Speaker 1: your family and everything else that we can, recognizing that 35 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,680 Speaker 1: the answers are general in context. If you'd like to 36 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:54,240 Speaker 1: submit a tricky question, we've got a super simple system 37 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,240 Speaker 1: for you. Just go to Happy Families dot com dot 38 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,800 Speaker 1: you scrolled out of podcasts, click the record button and 39 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,960 Speaker 1: start talking. Or alternatively, you can send us a voice note, 40 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:07,240 Speaker 1: which is exactly what Melia did when she asked us this. 41 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:09,959 Speaker 3: Hi, Justin. I'm trying to keep this really short, but 42 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:13,320 Speaker 3: it's almost impossible. I just want to talk about girls 43 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,040 Speaker 3: and pornography. There's so much going on about boys right now, 44 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:18,640 Speaker 3: but there's stuff going on at the moment, especially through 45 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,880 Speaker 3: our school that's not being talked about. You have so 46 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:26,920 Speaker 3: many girls identifying as lesbians or binary. These girls are 47 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:31,880 Speaker 3: watching so much same sex anime on their devices that 48 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:37,040 Speaker 3: they are having normal body reactions to seeing sexual content. 49 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,919 Speaker 3: It is normal for a woman to have a sensation 50 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,480 Speaker 3: or a bodily reaction to same sex pornography. But because 51 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:46,320 Speaker 3: we've got material, brains and adults, we know that we're not. 52 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,519 Speaker 3: So it is happening a lot. I don't think it's 53 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:54,120 Speaker 3: talked about the link between girls watching female pornographies, especially 54 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:57,600 Speaker 3: in anime, and then then being confused with their own identity, 55 00:02:57,639 --> 00:03:01,840 Speaker 3: which is then causing anxiety, depression, self harming. It's happening 56 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:06,119 Speaker 3: so much, and I honestly personally know about probably eleven 57 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,560 Speaker 3: girls that were at ten eleven year old saying that 58 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,920 Speaker 3: they were lesbians. I think it needs to be talked 59 00:03:11,919 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 3: about more. I hope all this makes sense. 60 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,359 Speaker 2: Thanks, Okay, Kylie. 61 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:19,000 Speaker 1: There's a lot there to unpack, and I want to 62 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,120 Speaker 1: make this as helpful as I possibly can, because it's 63 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,480 Speaker 1: clear that there's a lot of emotion as well. Is 64 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:27,160 Speaker 1: there anything that jumps out at you straight away? 65 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:30,080 Speaker 4: I do love that she's highlighted that there is a 66 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:35,160 Speaker 4: lot of emphasis around pornography and boys, and just her 67 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:39,240 Speaker 4: acknowledgment that girls are having exposure to this kind of 68 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:42,840 Speaker 4: content as well, and just how damaging it is to 69 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:47,080 Speaker 4: the way they identify as an individual. Let's take gender 70 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,560 Speaker 4: out of the equation, let's take preference out of the equation, 71 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:54,280 Speaker 4: but just in general, how they see themselves, how they 72 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:58,840 Speaker 4: respond to the world, and how they're unable to process 73 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:01,440 Speaker 4: it because it's not developmentally appropriate. 74 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:02,839 Speaker 2: Yeah, and this is the key thing. 75 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,800 Speaker 1: There are all sorts of questions and challenges and concerns 76 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,720 Speaker 1: that we could raise, but fundamentally, when we're talking about 77 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:11,960 Speaker 1: ten eleven year old girls, it is true that even 78 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:15,520 Speaker 1: from a young age, some people will identify with one 79 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:19,680 Speaker 1: or another sexual orientation, but at this age for it 80 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,839 Speaker 1: to be clustering and for a whole group to be 81 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,800 Speaker 1: identifying the same way, that is unusual, and that certainly 82 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:29,440 Speaker 1: indicates that there's other factors at play. So let's step 83 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,960 Speaker 1: into this. First off, I want to highlight from just 84 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,840 Speaker 1: just listen to what Melissa says, or the way she's 85 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:38,839 Speaker 1: asked the question. It really does take courage to address 86 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:41,360 Speaker 1: something that a lot of parents are willing to say, 87 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:44,720 Speaker 1: I've noticed it, but they feel afraid to discuss. And 88 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,720 Speaker 1: Melissa is identifying something that research has shown is a 89 00:04:47,839 --> 00:04:53,480 Speaker 1: real pattern. And therefore, while we live in a pluralistic 90 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 1: society and a society that is very accepting and tolerant, 91 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 1: well generally speaking, at this age, I think that some 92 00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:03,120 Speaker 1: can concerned for these young girls is both evident in 93 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 1: Meliss's voice note but also justified. So what's actually happening 94 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:10,039 Speaker 1: unless it's touched on something that deserves I think, really 95 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:13,799 Speaker 1: plain speech, and that is the difference between a physiological 96 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:17,719 Speaker 1: response and a person's actual sexual orientation. 97 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 2: This is really hard. 98 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:24,159 Speaker 1: I just as a red blooded male, is it completely 99 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:27,360 Speaker 1: as heterosexual as you can get kind of guy? 100 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 2: I was shocked. I was absolutely stunned. 101 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:32,760 Speaker 1: When I was doing my psychology degree and the topic 102 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:36,160 Speaker 1: of pornography and pornography research came up and we were 103 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 1: shown evidence that young men who identify as heterosexual experience 104 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:47,800 Speaker 1: higher levels of arousal when they see homosexual pornography than 105 00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:52,000 Speaker 1: if they see heterosexual pornography, and so that physiological response 106 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:55,560 Speaker 1: is not a reflection of sexual orientation. It's just that 107 00:05:55,600 --> 00:06:01,159 Speaker 1: when you encounter highly sexualized content, what that does is 108 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,279 Speaker 1: it gives you an experience, and if it's content that 109 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,599 Speaker 1: you're not used to seeing, whether you like it or not, 110 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:10,320 Speaker 1: it creates a stronger physiological response. And so when you've 111 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:12,080 Speaker 1: got ten and eleven year old girls who are who 112 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:15,279 Speaker 1: are being exposed to, whether it's intentional or unintentional explicit 113 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 1: content or whether they're just watching anime and manga that 114 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:21,560 Speaker 1: romanticizes quite a lot of female same sex relationships. And 115 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:24,680 Speaker 1: when girls are seeing this highly sexualized content, they don't 116 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,159 Speaker 1: have the developmental maturity, They don't have the sexual maturity 117 00:06:27,279 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 1: to contextualize what they're experiencing. 118 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:33,240 Speaker 4: I think one of the most important things we can 119 00:06:33,279 --> 00:06:35,680 Speaker 4: do to help our children navigate the space, whether they're 120 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:39,160 Speaker 4: boys or girls, is helping them to understand how their 121 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,000 Speaker 4: body responds. 122 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:41,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's exactly right, Like. 123 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:44,559 Speaker 4: This is a physiological response. As an eleven year old, 124 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:49,800 Speaker 4: there is no orientation because they're not developmentally ready for that. 125 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:51,680 Speaker 1: When I was writing My Boy's book, I don't know 126 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,479 Speaker 1: we're talking about girls here, but it's the same for 127 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,840 Speaker 1: boys or girls. Average agent exposure to pornography. We think 128 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,520 Speaker 1: somewhere around about the age of eleven first kiss, usually 129 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:02,839 Speaker 1: somewhere around fourteen or fifteen. Kids are seeing explicit content, 130 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:06,720 Speaker 1: or they're seeing representations of what could be explicit through 131 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:10,160 Speaker 1: manger and anime three four years before they're having their 132 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:13,560 Speaker 1: first sexual contact. Like I said, there are some people 133 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:17,239 Speaker 1: who will say that in their bones, they just knew 134 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:20,520 Speaker 1: that they were either hetero or homosexual from a young age. 135 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:23,640 Speaker 1: I mean, the reality is, statistically speaking, the overwhelming majority 136 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:26,120 Speaker 1: of kids are heterosexual. But there are some people who 137 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:27,560 Speaker 1: will say, even when I was a kid, I knew 138 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:30,600 Speaker 1: that I was gay, for example. But when we are 139 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,280 Speaker 1: being exposed to this, it can create. 140 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,160 Speaker 2: This physiological response. 141 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:36,680 Speaker 1: When our kids are exposed to or it creates a 142 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,640 Speaker 1: physiological response that may cause them to question their identity 143 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:41,800 Speaker 1: when they're simply having a physiological response. And that's the 144 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,520 Speaker 1: key thing that I want to get across here. I'm 145 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:46,440 Speaker 1: not highlighting that anything is right, wrong, good, bad. There's 146 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:49,240 Speaker 1: no morality in what I'm saying. I'm simply distinguishing or 147 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:53,040 Speaker 1: wanting parents to distinguish between the physiological response to the 148 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:57,800 Speaker 1: sexual imagery the autonomic response and emphasized that it is 149 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:01,320 Speaker 1: not diagnostic, it's not predictive. When eleven year old experiences 150 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:04,360 Speaker 1: aroused from same sex content has no framework to understand it, 151 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:10,360 Speaker 1: then that may lead to her forming conclusions about her identity, 152 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,520 Speaker 1: like definitions about her identity, and in the absence of 153 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,320 Speaker 1: any adult guidance to help it distinguish between curiosity and 154 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:20,200 Speaker 1: a physiological response and her actual orientation, she's left to 155 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:24,760 Speaker 1: interpret these very complicated feelings in a really unusual context 156 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,320 Speaker 1: with the understanding of a ten or eleven year old. 157 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:31,480 Speaker 1: And that's really what my concern is here. This is 158 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:34,079 Speaker 1: where I think the problem lies. 159 00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:36,480 Speaker 4: So I know we're talking about eleven year olds here, 160 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:40,439 Speaker 4: but too many times you hear in cases where there 161 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:44,079 Speaker 4: has been some violation taking place and boys will say 162 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:49,480 Speaker 4: she wanted it because there was a physiological response for resent. 163 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:55,000 Speaker 4: In girls, that meant she she clearly was turned on. 164 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:56,480 Speaker 2: Right, which is int the case. 165 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,920 Speaker 1: Just because your body is producing a lubricant, for example, 166 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,800 Speaker 1: that does not mean that you are necessarily aroused and 167 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:07,200 Speaker 1: seeking that Like the physiological response and. 168 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:12,559 Speaker 4: The understanding how our bodies respond to stimulus, regardless of desire, 169 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:18,800 Speaker 4: regardless of orientation, is so imperative and as parents, as 170 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:22,160 Speaker 4: we're navigating the space where our children are living in 171 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:25,240 Speaker 4: a world where they're told they can be anything they want. 172 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:30,920 Speaker 4: It is the most mind boggling place to be as 173 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:33,959 Speaker 4: a little kid experiencing the world for the first time, 174 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,760 Speaker 4: let alone having all of the boundaries now removed. 175 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,880 Speaker 1: Well, particularly given what some schools are teaching from a 176 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,439 Speaker 1: sexual education perspective, it can be very it's a very 177 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:47,560 Speaker 1: very confusing time. That again, though, that idea of what 178 00:09:47,679 --> 00:09:50,200 Speaker 1: the body is doing is not a reflection of the desire, 179 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,560 Speaker 1: the emotional, the psychological side of things, and they. 180 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,600 Speaker 4: Don't have the understanding of the experience to recognize them. 181 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,160 Speaker 1: But that even ties back to what I was talking 182 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:01,480 Speaker 1: about with the young men adult young men who are 183 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:07,400 Speaker 1: exposed to erotic content involving other men. There's no desire 184 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,959 Speaker 1: there for them. They identify as heterosexual, but there's still 185 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,480 Speaker 1: a physiological response. And yet some of them may start 186 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:16,319 Speaker 1: to go, oh, well, maybe that means that I'm not heterosexual. 187 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,640 Speaker 2: Not necessarily the case at all. 188 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:22,559 Speaker 1: Simply the body is having an autonomic response, a physiological 189 00:10:22,559 --> 00:10:24,880 Speaker 1: response that's totally different. Right off the break, I want 190 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:26,640 Speaker 1: to talk about what parents can do why it matters, 191 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:37,720 Speaker 1: and also the social contagient element. Stay with us. Okay, 192 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,880 Speaker 1: this is the Happy Families podcast. Pretty tough topic today, 193 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:41,160 Speaker 1: a lot to get through in just a couple of 194 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,199 Speaker 1: minutes to do it. I want to talk about the 195 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:47,520 Speaker 1: social contagent element of Melissa's question. So, what we're describing 196 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:49,800 Speaker 1: when we see a whole lot of kids clustering with 197 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:53,640 Speaker 1: the same diagnosis, of the same label, the same this 198 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 1: is who I am, the same identity. What we're talking 199 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,160 Speaker 1: about here is social contagion much more than orientation itself. 200 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:00,800 Speaker 1: And so we've got a whole bunch of kids that 201 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,760 Speaker 1: are prematurely adopting their sexual identity within their friend group. 202 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,640 Speaker 1: When several girls in a peer group suddenly identifies lesbion 203 00:11:06,679 --> 00:11:09,360 Speaker 1: or non binary simultaneously, often around the ages of ten 204 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,520 Speaker 1: through to fourteen fifteen, we do need to be honest 205 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:13,440 Speaker 1: about what we're witnessing. 206 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:13,760 Speaker 3: Now. 207 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,320 Speaker 1: It's true that one or more of them may actually 208 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:22,679 Speaker 1: be homosexually oriented rather than heterosexually oriented, But what we 209 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,199 Speaker 1: if there is a pattern of unrestricted access to sexualized content, 210 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:29,080 Speaker 1: whether it's anime or manger or actually explicit content that's 211 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:33,120 Speaker 1: been designed for adult audiences where there's peer reinforcement, so 212 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,520 Speaker 1: adopting the identity brings social status or belonging or a 213 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,360 Speaker 1: sense of specialness. We see a lot of that with 214 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,400 Speaker 1: some kids who identify as trans and again that clusters 215 00:11:41,559 --> 00:11:45,360 Speaker 1: as well if there's a lot of adult affirmation, that 216 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:49,840 Speaker 1: affirmation approach without any questioning, without any inquiry, adults who 217 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:53,960 Speaker 1: are celebrating these declarations, without any kind of questioning about 218 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,560 Speaker 1: what the child actually means and understands, and if there's 219 00:11:56,559 --> 00:12:00,200 Speaker 1: the absence of any alternative framework, so no one's no 220 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:05,240 Speaker 1: one's telling these girls that confusion around sexual identity can 221 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,000 Speaker 1: be quite normal. 222 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:08,240 Speaker 2: They don't need a label, and that childhood. 223 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,400 Speaker 1: Supposed to be a time of not having everything figured out. 224 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:14,280 Speaker 1: If you have those those four or five things occurring 225 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,880 Speaker 1: in that pattern, what you're typically going to see is 226 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,440 Speaker 1: kids labeling themselves because of a physiological response or because 227 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,720 Speaker 1: of their curiosity, driving them to more and more of 228 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,160 Speaker 1: that kind of content. 229 00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:28,160 Speaker 2: I think it's a really important thing to highlight when. 230 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,839 Speaker 4: I think back to some of the conversations we had 231 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,560 Speaker 4: with our kids when they were quite young, coming home 232 00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:36,880 Speaker 4: because they were curious. And one day one of our 233 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,599 Speaker 4: girls came home and she said mom, two of the 234 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,840 Speaker 4: kids at school were sexing and I looked at her 235 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,720 Speaker 4: and I said what. And I was ready to get 236 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,040 Speaker 4: like really worked up about it. And I said, what's sexing? 237 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,400 Speaker 4: And she said, you know, when they're like pushing their 238 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,800 Speaker 4: lips together. And I was like, holy smokes, I was 239 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:58,640 Speaker 4: about to launch into this massive conversation with her about 240 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,280 Speaker 4: what it all was. Didn't need to know because. 241 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,000 Speaker 2: It wasn't yeah, and she was way too young to know. 242 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:04,880 Speaker 4: And she was way too young to know. And I 243 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,440 Speaker 4: think that when we're talking about ten eleven year and 244 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,560 Speaker 4: even twelve thirteen, fourteen year old kids, we actually need 245 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:13,600 Speaker 4: to have conversations with them about how and why, and 246 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:17,760 Speaker 4: we can talk to them about physical body responses and 247 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:23,560 Speaker 4: how our bodies work. Those kinds of conversations are going 248 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,839 Speaker 4: to really help us to understand where our children are 249 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:29,600 Speaker 4: at instead of affirming something that we don't actually know 250 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:31,280 Speaker 4: at this point in time. 251 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,800 Speaker 1: So let's be really explicit about this. This is not 252 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:38,920 Speaker 1: about invalidating anyone's genuine orientation. What this is about, this 253 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:42,640 Speaker 1: conversation is about protecting children from locking into an identity 254 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:46,600 Speaker 1: label before they've developed the maturity to understand what those 255 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,400 Speaker 1: labels really mean and before they understand the social and 256 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:54,440 Speaker 1: the medical pathways that they might be pressured to follow 257 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,200 Speaker 1: if they adopt those labels. So the anxiety, the depression 258 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 1: is self harm. That Melissa's talking is often a sign 259 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:04,920 Speaker 1: of really significant confusion in children who have been handed 260 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,920 Speaker 1: these adult concepts through the content that they're viewing and 261 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,920 Speaker 1: then encouraged to build their identity around them, and then 262 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,840 Speaker 1: they're all too often left to navigate the psychological consequences 263 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:18,760 Speaker 1: completely alone. And we are watching mainly girls. It doesn't 264 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:21,640 Speaker 1: happen so much with boys. We're mainly watching girls disappear 265 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:25,960 Speaker 1: into identity confusion at precisely an age where they should 266 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:29,040 Speaker 1: be developing confidence in who they are as people, rather 267 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:31,800 Speaker 1: than these little fragments of I think I'm this because 268 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:34,400 Speaker 1: I'm going to take this sexual label and apply it 269 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:35,000 Speaker 1: to myself. 270 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,880 Speaker 4: So big topic, heavy conversations, but what are parents are 271 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 4: actually supposed to do? 272 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,680 Speaker 1: So I always start my response to that question on 273 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:48,520 Speaker 1: this topic by talking about screens. We've got to control 274 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 1: access to devices and me, I mean, we're talking about 275 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,360 Speaker 1: ten year olds and eleven year olds here. If you 276 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,360 Speaker 1: have a ten year old who has unlimited unfettered, unmonitored 277 00:14:56,360 --> 00:15:00,080 Speaker 1: Internet access. What you've done is you've given her a 278 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,360 Speaker 1: adore into an adult galaxy with limited supervision. I'm not 279 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,600 Speaker 1: talking about being controlling. I'm actually talking about being in controller. 280 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:08,040 Speaker 1: Actually maybe it is a bit controlling. So we need 281 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,440 Speaker 1: to make sure that there are parental controls, check them regularly, 282 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:13,600 Speaker 1: keep devices out of bedrooms at night, keep screens in 283 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,120 Speaker 1: common areas. Frankly, if you've got a ten year old, 284 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:18,600 Speaker 1: she shouldn't have a smartphone, she shouldn't have a smart device. 285 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:23,240 Speaker 1: Just I don't think that it's appropriate, full stop, end 286 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,880 Speaker 1: of story. You're going to get major pushback and you're 287 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:29,080 Speaker 1: going to be told that she's the only one that's fine. 288 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,400 Speaker 2: Stand firm. You're the parent. 289 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,960 Speaker 1: So that's the first thing. Second thing that I would 290 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 1: say is if these conversations are happening, you want to 291 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,400 Speaker 1: have the conversations without judgment, but also without automatic affirmation. 292 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,720 Speaker 1: The Australian Psychological Society pushes for affirmation and affirmative responses. 293 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,480 Speaker 1: What they argue for I think they're wrong. I disagree 294 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:49,080 Speaker 1: profoundly with that. You're talking about a ten or eleven 295 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:50,680 Speaker 1: year old. You're not just going to say, well, if 296 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:52,560 Speaker 1: that's what you say, then that's what it is. If 297 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,920 Speaker 1: your daughter is identifying as lesbian or non binary, you 298 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,640 Speaker 1: don't need a panic, you don't need to dismiss it. 299 00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 1: But you also don't have to automatically say, well, if 300 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,280 Speaker 1: that's why, but you say you are, then that's what 301 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:01,800 Speaker 1: you are. 302 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,800 Speaker 2: The current script. 303 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 1: Tells us to celebrate it, to affirm it. I think 304 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,120 Speaker 1: it's safer too. 305 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:11,200 Speaker 2: Well. 306 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,440 Speaker 1: My preference would be to resist initially, But if you're 307 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,960 Speaker 1: not comfortable resisting, I'd say, at least ask questions with 308 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,040 Speaker 1: genuine curiosity. What does that mean to you? What made 309 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,320 Speaker 1: you start thinking about this? How long have you felt 310 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,840 Speaker 1: this way? Have your friends been talking about it too? 311 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:27,240 Speaker 1: What do you think being lesbian means? What do you 312 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:31,640 Speaker 1: think being non binary means? And you'll find, just like 313 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,880 Speaker 1: you found Kylie with the sexing versus kissing comment, that 314 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,760 Speaker 1: what she's saying and what she actually understands usually going 315 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,080 Speaker 1: to be two different things. 316 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,640 Speaker 4: But not only that, it's normal. 317 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:42,840 Speaker 2: To be curious totally. 318 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,320 Speaker 4: It's so normal to be curious. I remember a conversation 319 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,800 Speaker 4: we had with our now twenty two year old. She 320 00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,240 Speaker 4: was six, and she looked at me and she said, 321 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:56,600 Speaker 4: I am never having children, like she was dead serious, 322 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,600 Speaker 4: never going to happen. Well, we're now twenty two, we've 323 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,320 Speaker 4: had some life life experience, and she's looking forward to 324 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,240 Speaker 4: being a mum. But if she'd made. 325 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,639 Speaker 1: A permanent not anytime soon, I'm like, quickly at not 326 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:07,240 Speaker 1: anytime soon. 327 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:08,280 Speaker 2: There are no plans in the works. 328 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,480 Speaker 4: But if she'd made a permanent decision as a six 329 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:14,600 Speaker 4: year old to ensure that she didn't ever go down 330 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:17,880 Speaker 4: that road, she would never have the opportunity to mature 331 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:21,800 Speaker 4: and understand and experience life in a different way from 332 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:22,800 Speaker 4: a different viewpoint. 333 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:25,200 Speaker 1: And it's that too though, like six year of course, 334 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,880 Speaker 1: But once they get to twelve, thirteen, fourteen, people start saying, 335 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,200 Speaker 1: oh no, they can do No, they can't. 336 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,160 Speaker 2: They can't drive, they can't drink alcohol, they can't. 337 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,760 Speaker 4: Modify them adults for a reason. 338 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:34,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right. 339 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:35,920 Speaker 1: Okay, we've got to I want to run through a 340 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,840 Speaker 1: couple more really quickly, and our time is up. So 341 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,280 Speaker 1: teach the difference between feelings and identity. What do I 342 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,280 Speaker 1: mean by that? I mean help her understand that the 343 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,080 Speaker 1: physical response is that she's happening, the attraction, the confusion 344 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,960 Speaker 1: that comes and goes, especially during puberty. This is a 345 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:51,040 Speaker 1: time where that happens. Identity is something that develops over 346 00:17:51,119 --> 00:17:54,600 Speaker 1: time through and you use these words before, through lived experience. 347 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:56,880 Speaker 1: It's not something that you rush into at eleven based 348 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:58,960 Speaker 1: on a bodily reaction to anime or manga. 349 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:01,920 Speaker 4: It's interesting to me though, like when I was growing up, 350 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,399 Speaker 4: that normal curiosity was there, right. 351 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,879 Speaker 2: And everybody said, oh, that's normal to be curious. 352 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,800 Speaker 4: No, but if a girl kissed a girl because she 353 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,280 Speaker 4: was curious, it wasn't a knee jerk jump reaction she 354 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,320 Speaker 4: must be a lesbian. It was she kissed a girl 355 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:15,240 Speaker 4: because she was curious. 356 00:18:15,359 --> 00:18:15,479 Speaker 3: Right. 357 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:19,120 Speaker 4: But now we're at this point where we have all 358 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:23,120 Speaker 4: of these children confused and trying to work out who 359 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:26,560 Speaker 4: they are in a world that they're not ready to 360 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:26,919 Speaker 4: live in. 361 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:30,960 Speaker 1: So I'd be saying normalized not knowing, normalize waiting, normalize 362 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,040 Speaker 1: the idea that childhood and adolescents are supposed to be 363 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:37,600 Speaker 1: periods of exploration without permanent declarations of identity. 364 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,679 Speaker 4: Yeah, we're not saying you are or you are not correct, 365 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,200 Speaker 4: but let's just take some time. 366 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,800 Speaker 2: Yeah you don't have to lock it in. Yeah, lock 367 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:45,919 Speaker 2: it in, Eddie, lock it in. 368 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,120 Speaker 1: Who has to be a millionaire who I could say 369 00:18:48,119 --> 00:18:49,679 Speaker 1: something else, but I'm going to move on. There are 370 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:51,520 Speaker 1: two more that I want to highlight. I think that 371 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:53,439 Speaker 1: we've really got to watch for peer influence and address 372 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,280 Speaker 1: it directly. So if there's a whole bunch of friends 373 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:58,240 Speaker 1: that are adopting similar identities simultaneously, that is a red 374 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:02,119 Speaker 1: flag and we need to address it. So, I mean, 375 00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:05,480 Speaker 1: it's social pressure. It's not organically discovering who I am. 376 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:12,760 Speaker 1: This is social pressure wearing a costume of authenticity and celebration. 377 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,040 Speaker 1: Here's a script, gently explore it like this, I've noticed 378 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,399 Speaker 1: several of your friends have started identifying as lesbian on 379 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:20,960 Speaker 1: non binary about the same time as you. Why do 380 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,280 Speaker 1: you think that is? What's going on with that? Do 381 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:25,560 Speaker 1: you feel like you'd fit in less if you didn't 382 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:29,240 Speaker 1: identify that way? Okay, So there's a script around that 383 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,679 Speaker 1: that can be helpful because sometimes just naming the pattern 384 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,040 Speaker 1: is enough to help her to see it. And if 385 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:37,280 Speaker 1: you discover that her not being straight is a form 386 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:40,000 Speaker 1: of social currency in the peer group, then it's time 387 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:44,359 Speaker 1: to have bigger discussions, diversify the social circle, find different friends, 388 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,359 Speaker 1: or at least have conversations about what's actually going on 389 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,080 Speaker 1: in the peer group. Here's the last one that I 390 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:52,399 Speaker 1: want to highlight. We need to limit exposure and be 391 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:56,160 Speaker 1: honest about why. So what do mean by that? Say 392 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:58,560 Speaker 1: something like this, you're not ready for sexual content yet. 393 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,840 Speaker 1: It's not because there's anything wrong with you. It's because 394 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:02,080 Speaker 1: your brain still developing. 395 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:03,159 Speaker 2: And this is. 396 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:08,199 Speaker 1: Material that's been put together to affect adults in certain ways, 397 00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:10,240 Speaker 1: and if you encounter it now, it's going to create 398 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:13,520 Speaker 1: confusion that you are just not equipped to handle. When 399 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:15,359 Speaker 1: you're older, you'll have the maturity in the context to 400 00:20:15,359 --> 00:20:17,160 Speaker 1: make sense of things that are just going to mess 401 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,640 Speaker 1: with your head right now, and you can even encourage 402 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,159 Speaker 1: I don't want you to look at it when you're 403 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,000 Speaker 1: older either, but at least when you're older, you'll be 404 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:26,160 Speaker 1: you'll have a much greater sense of who you are. 405 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,000 Speaker 1: And then you've got to enforce it. Check the browser history, 406 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:32,359 Speaker 1: monitor the apps, know what she's watching. If you discover 407 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,640 Speaker 1: that she's been accessing pornography or highly sexualized content through 408 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,560 Speaker 1: anime or manga, you've got to address it immediately. You're 409 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,879 Speaker 1: not getting it in trouble, you're not stealing devices away. Well, 410 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,560 Speaker 1: maybe you are eventually but certainly with clarity about why 411 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:48,600 Speaker 1: it's harmful and what the consequences should be. So they're 412 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:53,280 Speaker 1: kind of my big ideas, Kylie. Ultimately, as a parent, 413 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:54,960 Speaker 1: you've got to set boundaries, especially with kids at a 414 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:59,639 Speaker 1: ten or eleven, but even twelve thirteen, fourteen fifteen, the 415 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,600 Speaker 1: pattern exist. Lots of parents are identifying it. I can't 416 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,280 Speaker 1: tell you how many parents have sidled up to me 417 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,960 Speaker 1: after a presentation and whispered what's going on with this? 418 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,119 Speaker 1: And then they've highlighted these kinds of issues and this 419 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,800 Speaker 1: has brought up She's sort of said the bit that 420 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,359 Speaker 1: you're not supposed to say out loud, out loud, and 421 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:16,960 Speaker 1: hopefully we've been sensitive today and also highlighted that we 422 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,880 Speaker 1: want our children to take their time before they lock 423 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:23,640 Speaker 1: in an identity. The girls need parents to be available 424 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:27,359 Speaker 1: to have those hard conversations and guide them carefully. 425 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,640 Speaker 2: We're way over time. We need to wrap it up. 426 00:21:30,119 --> 00:21:32,920 Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Roland from 427 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:36,879 Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides additional research, admin and other support. 428 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,639 Speaker 1: If you've got a tricky question, hit us with it, 429 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:40,919 Speaker 1: send us a voice note to podcasts at happy families 430 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,400 Speaker 1: dot com dot you, or jump onto happy families dot 431 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,600 Speaker 1: com dot i U scroll down to where it says podcasts, press. 432 00:21:46,359 --> 00:21:47,919 Speaker 2: Record and start talking. 433 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:52,000 Speaker 1: Another tricky question next week on the Happy Families Podcast tomorrow. 434 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:56,080 Speaker 1: And interview with Jackie NeSSI from the Technosapien Substack, my 435 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,760 Speaker 1: brand new favorite substack as we talk about kids. 436 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,280 Speaker 2: Tech, and more on the Happy Families podcast 437 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:09,520 Speaker 4: MHM