Speaker 1: Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout
Speaker 1: Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We
Speaker 1: pay our respect to their elders past and present and
Speaker 1: extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Island
Speaker 1: of peoples today.
Speaker 2: This episode of Life un Cut is recorded on Gadigal
Speaker 2: Land of the Aurora Nation and bunge Lung of the
Speaker 2: Araqual people.
Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to a very special episode
Speaker 1: of Life Uncut. And it's special because Laura has entered
Speaker 1: a new year of life. She's thirty one ish plus
Speaker 1: a bit plus on line as we all keep the
Speaker 1: daily mail casing I'm Brittany.
Speaker 2: I'm the one whose age is very ambiguous. No, I'm
Speaker 2: thirty six, everybody, and I am a proud thirty six
Speaker 2: year old woman. I just want to say I've had
Speaker 2: the freaking best birthday this year. And I had a
Speaker 2: real moment in the last couple of days but I
Speaker 2: was like, I think my late thirties are going to
Speaker 2: be the best years of my life. I'm calling it
Speaker 2: all the feels.
Speaker 1: Oh God, do you know what is funny? I know
Speaker 1: I did a birthday post for Laura, and I said
Speaker 1: something like, I can't believe you're thirty one, like obviously
Speaker 1: just making a joke. Someone commented and goes, I'm pretty
Speaker 1: sure she's thirty six. I was like, bro, it's a joke.
Speaker 1: It reminded me last year when it was my birthday
Speaker 1: and I was with Jordan and Jordan did a birthday post. Now,
Speaker 1: the running joke was that I was like seven years
Speaker 1: older than Jordan. So Jordan was like, happy twenty fifth,
Speaker 1: Happy birthday to my sixtieth. No, he was like, happy
Speaker 1: twenty fifth birthday. And someone wrote on his post and
Speaker 1: was like, I can't believe you'd think she's twenty five. She's,
Speaker 1: you know, telling the truth kind of thing, like trying
Speaker 1: to call me out. She is like she's thirty, she's
Speaker 1: thirty four. Jordan was like, this person is serious. I
Speaker 1: was like, guys, this is a joke. I'm not lying.
Speaker 1: I'm not caf mashining him to keep him.
Speaker 2: I think it's funny because I think age is such
Speaker 2: a thing that we're supposed to be wary of as
Speaker 2: we get older, like almost like we're supposed to wear
Speaker 2: age with shame. And I know that we make jokes
Speaker 2: about it all the time, but I was thinking about it,
Speaker 2: and Matt asked me, He's like, if you can look back,
Speaker 2: like what has been your favorite phase of life? And
Speaker 2: of course my twenties were cool, Like traveling around the
Speaker 2: world was cool. Doing fun things in my twenties when
Speaker 2: there was no responsibilities was amazing. But at the same time,
Speaker 2: I think about that period of my life in my
Speaker 2: twenties and just how I didn't have my shit together,
Speaker 2: just how like emotionally.
Speaker 1: Chaotic I was.
Speaker 2: Even though I, yes, sure maybe I was in India
Speaker 2: having like your low time of my life, it was
Speaker 2: such a chaotic emotional time in that like it's when
Speaker 2: you go through the weird throws of relationships, It's when
Speaker 2: you're trying to figure everything out. And then now at
Speaker 2: thirty six, I'm like, Okay, I don't get to do
Speaker 2: all of that stuff, and I'm sitting in Barron Bay
Speaker 2: in a very kid friendly resort. But at the same time,
Speaker 2: I'm like, I feel so much more at peace, I
Speaker 2: feel so much more accepting of who I am as
Speaker 2: a person. I feel so much more comfortable and confident.
Speaker 1: And I mean my.
Speaker 2: Boobs are as the saggers they've ever been. But I
Speaker 2: feel the most confident I've ever felt. And it's a really,
Speaker 2: really nice place to be in life.
Speaker 1: I mean, you look like a supermodel and you boom great,
Speaker 1: I can confirm, but no, but I think that this
Speaker 1: is I mean, what I think is that every phase
Speaker 1: of life we go through, because we're changing with it,
Speaker 1: we think that that is the best time of our life.
Speaker 1: And it's because we've evolved and grown. But like I
Speaker 1: look back at my young twenties, my twenties, when I
Speaker 1: was traveling the world, I literally was living the life.
Speaker 1: I was traveling NonStop. I had so many experiences. But
Speaker 1: with that comes stresses. It comes debt, becomes no money.
Speaker 1: When you're younger, usually unless you are blessed and born
Speaker 1: into a very wealthy family or somehow you won a lottery,
Speaker 1: you've got a lot of money. Those younger years are
Speaker 1: very formative and you're at university and you're starting to grind.
Speaker 1: You're at the start of a job, so you're not
Speaker 1: earning good money. Yet they come with their own level
Speaker 1: of stresses. So now I'm older, I've got more I've
Speaker 1: got more money to travel and do things, but I
Speaker 1: don't because I'm working so hard gets the money to travel.
Speaker 1: So it's like it's all backwards, do you know what
Speaker 1: I mean? Like life is backwards, and I think you've
Speaker 1: just got to live in a moment and make the
Speaker 1: most of what you have totally. And I just think,
Speaker 1: like I think my twenties were such a volatile time
Speaker 1: of life. And I know that you say that my
Speaker 1: tits are great, but they used to make eye contact
Speaker 1: and now they look at the floor. But apart from that,
Speaker 1: everything else is great. They still do make eye contact
Speaker 1: with someone that's lane on the floor. There you go, exactly,
Speaker 1: just it chasteurized down everybody. But you did have a
Speaker 1: good birthday. I had such a fun time.
Speaker 2: So we are currently I know we said last week
Speaker 2: that we were recording this by a zoom. We're also
Speaker 2: recording this start of this week's episode by a zoom.
Speaker 1: We have.
Speaker 2: I can't even tell you how great this week's episode is.
Speaker 2: I'm so excited for you to listen to the conversation
Speaker 2: we had. We have a guy on his Canadian his
Speaker 2: name is Mark Groves, and he is truly a relationship
Speaker 2: expert and a modern day philosopher and how he speaks
Speaker 2: about human connections, how he speaks about relationships and how
Speaker 2: he speaks about the.
Speaker 1: World of dating.
Speaker 2: I feel like everybody read, whether you were single or
Speaker 2: whether you're in a relationship, you were going to get
Speaker 2: something so incredible out of this episode. But in the meantime,
Speaker 2: this intro I'm en Byron at the moment. We decided
Speaker 2: to take the kids up here for a couple of
Speaker 2: days just to get away from oh just to get
Speaker 2: out of Sydney and to kind of have a change
Speaker 2: of scenery. It has rained every single day except for one,
Speaker 2: which was kind of expected, just done like.
Speaker 1: Really wholesome family things. We went to the bowling club
Speaker 1: for my birthday. We rocked out to this really old
Speaker 1: school band.
Speaker 2: The kids are jacked on ice cream and yeah, it's
Speaker 2: been really fun.
Speaker 1: I'm here for I love that you've gone away. I
Speaker 1: love that you've reset. I love that with you with
Speaker 1: your kids, you're having ice cream. I saw your birthday.
Speaker 1: You were at the pub, the local pub, having a
Speaker 1: dance with Mali.
Speaker 2: Some of you guys might remember last year we bought
Speaker 2: a house up here, and like, we're not living in it.
Speaker 2: We still live in Sydney and we're renting the place. Out,
Speaker 2: but we really loved the little community that we bought in,
Speaker 2: and it's in an area called Bangalow, and so we
Speaker 2: came up and we thought for my birthday would go
Speaker 2: to the Bangalo Bowls and we just went to the
Speaker 2: bowling club and it was so fucking fun. The kids
Speaker 2: were running around like they were absolutely feral. Act there
Speaker 2: was this one moment so all with there's so many kids,
Speaker 2: because my sister has two kids and then I've got
Speaker 2: the two kids.
Speaker 1: All these kids were just.
Speaker 2: Running around being mental and Mallie was standing there dancing,
Speaker 2: and it's packed as well because there was some like
Speaker 2: Stonewood party on at the same time. She's there grooving
Speaker 2: away to Darryl Braithwaite classic and she.
Speaker 1: Flings her hand back. She flings her.
Speaker 2: Hand back and the entire ice cream cone goes straight
Speaker 2: into the woman behind hers bo like she puts her
Speaker 2: chocolate ice cream cone into this woman's butt cheek. And
Speaker 2: I'm watching this all unfold and Marley's face, the horror
Speaker 2: on her face when she realizes what she's done. But
Speaker 2: the woman didn't know, She had no idea what had
Speaker 2: just happened.
Speaker 1: So did you tell her or did you just be like, run,
Speaker 1: Marley run. I just made eye contact with Marley and
Speaker 1: we were both like what the fuck do we do?
Speaker 1: Which is definitely not the face that you make it
Speaker 1: a two year old, because I feel like I'm supposed
Speaker 1: to be the voice of reason in this situation. Well,
Speaker 1: you're supposed to make the decisions. Yes, I both pretended
Speaker 1: like it didn't happen.
Speaker 3: No, Laura, no no, no, no, no no no.
Speaker 1: So to the woman who was at a Banngalo bowling
Speaker 1: club who had an ice cream butt when she got home,
Speaker 1: I am, I am really sorry. I didn't have the emotional, spiritual,
Speaker 1: or mental capacity to deal with that at that time,
Speaker 1: and I'm really really apologetic. I am shook that you
Speaker 1: did that. I'm the person that would go up to
Speaker 1: someone and be like, I just know you had the
Speaker 1: tiniest little green thing in your teeth from across the room.
Speaker 2: I could have walked up to and be like, hey,
Speaker 2: I've just wanted to let you know my daughter just
Speaker 2: put an entire ice cream into your buttthole.
Speaker 1: Sorry about that. You didn't notice? Yes, no, yes you can.
Speaker 1: That's what you do you do because you let her
Speaker 1: go and like wash it off. She's not gonna go
Speaker 1: crazy at you. She's from Bengalo.
Speaker 2: No one goes crazy in Bangalo. Everyone's very nice in Bangalo.
Speaker 2: They're good people up this way, imagine or Laura.
Speaker 1: You're gonna get the worst calm now you know that.
Speaker 2: I can't wait for us to get a review from
Speaker 2: someone who's like, I love the podcast, but Laura's a
Speaker 2: bitch because she put ice cream on someone's bumb and
Speaker 2: didn't tell them.
Speaker 1: Waiting for it. I can't wait, guys anyway, Like.
Speaker 2: We said, we have such an awesome episode for you,
Speaker 2: so I cannot wait to get into this because it
Speaker 2: is I reckon, this is one of my favorite apps
Speaker 2: we've ever done.
Speaker 1: Britt, I agree, and I want to start by saying
Speaker 1: just so to quickly tell you who Mark Groves is.
Speaker 1: He's been on the gram for a long time. He's
Speaker 1: got a million followers. He's a human relationship connection specialist.
Speaker 1: He's so wise. He has the most soothing, relaxing, beautiful
Speaker 1: voice I have ever heard. I could listen he could
Speaker 1: put me to sleep in terms of how soothing his
Speaker 1: voice is. But I could talk to him for hours now.
Speaker 1: I have been a very big fan of Mark Groves.
Speaker 1: His instagrams create the love for many years. I actually
Speaker 1: just went back in my messages to see because I
Speaker 1: messaged Mark I DMD him. I slip to the DM
Speaker 1: to try and get him on the pod.
Speaker 2: I just want it before you tell this story, Britt,
Speaker 2: I went back to mine as well, and I have
Speaker 2: sent him six messages over the years and he has
Speaker 2: not replied to any of them except the last one.
Speaker 2: I looked back in twenty eighteen, I shared something that
Speaker 2: he wrote, I want to read to you what I
Speaker 2: shared on my stories in twenty eighteen, and I was like,
Speaker 2: this is me. I never know, but I trust, and
Speaker 2: then this is the quote that I shared. I have
Speaker 2: come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I
Speaker 2: am going, and I have trained myself to love it
Speaker 2: because it is only when we are suspended in midair
Speaker 2: with no landing in sight, that we force our wings
Speaker 2: to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly,
Speaker 2: we still we still may not know where we are
Speaker 2: going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of
Speaker 2: the wings.
Speaker 1: You may not know where you're going, but you know
Speaker 1: that so long as you spread your wings, the winds
Speaker 1: will carry you. That's by Sea joy Bell, but Create
Speaker 1: the Love put it on, I reshared it and I
Speaker 1: wrote to him being like I feel this so much
Speaker 1: right now. He ignored me. He never wrote back. This
Speaker 1: has been going on from twenty eighteen.
Speaker 2: Do you know I love that this was like directly
Speaker 2: after The Bachelor, when you were going through a mental
Speaker 2: life crisis as well, and you're like, I have no
Speaker 2: idea what I'm doing. And also if you're somebody who
Speaker 2: when you're going through a hard time, likes to read,
Speaker 2: tweet or likes to repost quotes, I feel like it's
Speaker 2: something that we do thinking that it's not an overt
Speaker 2: way of sharing what's going on in our lives. But really,
Speaker 2: when somebody starts sharing Instagram quotes about like you know,
Speaker 2: not knowing where they're going, or about how their soul
Speaker 2: is hurting, it's like you you know that person is
Speaker 2: going through a breakup or there's some big life milestone
Speaker 2: that's happening in that person's life. Create the Love, which
Speaker 2: is Mark Grove's Instagram.
Speaker 1: It's perfect for that. If you're looking for a quote
Speaker 1: to share, it is a gold mine.
Speaker 2: But the reason why it's a gold mine is because
Speaker 2: he genuinely just has the most incredibly insightful, incredibly authentic
Speaker 2: and beautiful perspective on life, on the perspective on relationships,
Speaker 2: and I loved everything about this chat. We're going to
Speaker 2: get into that shortly, but before we do, I just
Speaker 2: wanted to talk to you about something that has completely
Speaker 2: stopped the world in its tracks, whether you were into
Speaker 2: sport or not, and that is our Australian Golden Girl,
Speaker 2: Ash Party.
Speaker 1: She's only twenty five years old. She has won three
Speaker 1: Grand Slam so she's won the French Wimbledon, which Wimbledon
Speaker 1: was her dream, and just recently this year twenty twenty two,
Speaker 1: she won the Australian Open. Now she ended a forty
Speaker 1: four year drought of any Australian winning the Australian Open.
Speaker 1: It's absolutely huge. You could not be any more at
Speaker 1: the top of your field than Ash Barty is in tennis.
Speaker 1: She just came out last week and said, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm done, I'm retiring, I'm tappy out and the world
Speaker 1: has gone bonkers. Everyone is like, wait, what, what the fuck?
Speaker 1: How do you you were on this role? You are
Speaker 1: the You couldn't be better. You will continue to I mean,
Speaker 1: she's twenty five, they continue, they didn't even usually reach
Speaker 1: their peak these I mean, I know this because we
Speaker 1: all know I dated tenth pay, but they usually don't
Speaker 1: even reach their peak for a few more years. But
Speaker 1: she's just like, I've had enough.
Speaker 2: Especially when you look at someone who like Roger Federer,
Speaker 2: who's still playing well into his forties, you know, like
Speaker 2: and still crushing it in his forties, I think that
Speaker 2: that's where the precedent lies, where you're like, well, twenty five. Yes,
Speaker 2: maybe twenty five is older in some sports, but for tennis,
Speaker 2: it's actually still quite young, and there's still a lot
Speaker 2: of room for being at the top of your game
Speaker 2: for so many years to come.
Speaker 1: And originally the world was pretty crazy. Everyone was like,
Speaker 1: why would you do this? You're number one, you're the
Speaker 1: best of your sport, you're so young, you've got years
Speaker 1: left to go, you can make millions more dollars, you're
Speaker 1: so inspirational. Everyone was up in arms a little bit
Speaker 1: and didn't understand it, and they were a bit against
Speaker 1: the fact. But since she's come out down a press confidence,
Speaker 1: we've realized that there this is a lot deeper, and
Speaker 1: there's a lot more to this, and it's turned into
Speaker 1: a level of respect that she's walking away so young
Speaker 1: and at the top of her game, because it really
Speaker 1: goes against this thing that we call hustle culture. We've
Speaker 1: talked about hustle culture before, but never on a level
Speaker 1: have we seen it like this, like somebody of Ash
Speaker 1: Barty's level coming out and saying, I've had enough. Ash
Speaker 1: Muddy said, I know how much work it takes to
Speaker 1: bring the best out of yourself. I've said it to
Speaker 1: my team multiple times. I just don't have that in
Speaker 1: me anymore. I don't have the physical drive, the emotional
Speaker 1: want and everything it takes to challenge yourself at the
Speaker 1: very top level anymore. And how fucking refreshing is that?
Speaker 1: How good is that to see someone say, you know, well,
Speaker 1: I know I'm good. I know I can have millions.
Speaker 1: I know the world wants me to keep playing. I
Speaker 1: feel the pressure, but guess what, I don't want it
Speaker 1: and I don't feel it, and I'm going to take
Speaker 1: some autonomy back in my life and do what makes
Speaker 1: me happy. And as much as it's so upsetting for
Speaker 1: so many people to see so many people are praising
Speaker 1: her now being like, you know what, girl, You've worked
Speaker 1: so hard, go and live your life.
Speaker 2: I just think it is the most empowering thing to
Speaker 2: be able to do that. And we've spoken, We've done
Speaker 2: a whole episode on hustle culture and why are we
Speaker 2: subscribed to not just the nine to five, but subscribe
Speaker 2: to the six am to ten pm.
Speaker 1: You know, we don't switch off.
Speaker 2: We're constantly feeling as though we need to be more successful,
Speaker 2: to be furthering our careers, to be better and bigger.
Speaker 2: And I think at the end of the day, there
Speaker 2: sometimes comes a point where you need to reflect on
Speaker 2: why am I working like a dog? Am I working
Speaker 2: like a dog for myself for my own internal validation,
Speaker 2: or am I doing it for somebody else? And I
Speaker 2: think in this instance Ash having that reflection that she's like, well,
Speaker 2: I know that I can be that person. I've already
Speaker 2: succeeded in everything I wanted to do, and now I
Speaker 2: want it succeed and work on myself and have a
Speaker 2: personal laugh because obviously, I mean, brit you would know
Speaker 2: there more than anyone. But when you are a professional
Speaker 2: sports person, the amount of yourself as a human that
Speaker 2: you sacrifice in order to be an elite sports person,
Speaker 2: it's almost like it's so unrelatable, Like we probably could
Speaker 2: never understand how many sacrifices an elite sports person has
Speaker 2: to make when it comes to the time that they
Speaker 2: have with their family, all the time that they have
Speaker 2: with their friends, or even just being able to enjoy
Speaker 2: and celebrate their wins because they're straight into the next
Speaker 2: tournament and the next thing that they have to succeed at. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and it's one of those things that we know in
Speaker 2: terms of we know that it's easy for us to
Speaker 2: sit back and say, but I didn't realize until I
Speaker 2: obviously experienced it firsthand.
Speaker 1: I remember when I met Jordan. I remember him saying
Speaker 1: to me, and I was a little bit put off
Speaker 1: at the start. He was like, I'm so I like,
Speaker 1: I'm in love with you, I'm so into you, I'm
Speaker 1: so happy. I've never been happier. And I don't want
Speaker 1: you to take offense to this. I need you to
Speaker 1: know you're never going to come first. That's what he said.
Speaker 1: He's like, for now, for this part of my life.
Speaker 1: And he's like, and that's nothing against you, He's like,
Speaker 1: it's just it is impossible to put anyone first because
Speaker 1: they don't have the capacity. They physically do not have time,
Speaker 1: they're not in one location, constantly exhausted because it's constantly traveling,
Speaker 1: always on their own. And then when they're not playing,
Speaker 1: their training, When they're not training or playing, they're doing physio,
Speaker 1: they're doing rehab. At the start, I didn't understand. I
Speaker 1: was like, how could you say that? Like, how could
Speaker 1: you say you love me so much but not be first.
Speaker 1: Then I've experienced their life and I'm like, I get it,
Speaker 1: And there's so many I met a lot of other
Speaker 1: people traveling with the tennis players, a lot of other women,
Speaker 1: a lot of men too. Like Ash Barty's fiance, he
Speaker 1: travels a lot. He has to go with her all
Speaker 1: the time to be able to have any sort of
Speaker 1: relationship with them, And they all say the same thing.
Speaker 1: They're like, oh yeah, like you won't be first, Like
Speaker 1: you've just got to accept that. For a little while,
Speaker 1: Ash just turned around and was like, you know what, fuck, Like,
Speaker 1: I'm engaged now and I do want to put someone
Speaker 1: else first. I'm sick of me having this selfish life.
Speaker 2: What Ash did come out and say, and I think
Speaker 2: this is really powerful in itself. She said, there was
Speaker 2: a perspective shift in me. This second phase of my
Speaker 2: career that might happy wasn't dependent on the results. Success
Speaker 2: for me is knowing that I've given absolutely everything I can.
Speaker 2: I am fulfilled, I am happy. And she just wants
Speaker 2: to take this next opportunity to focus on herself rather
Speaker 2: than on her career. And I think, like coming off
Speaker 2: the back of everything that happened with Kim Kardashian two
Speaker 2: weeks ago, where she was like, people just don't want
Speaker 2: to work these days and really pushing and subscribing to
Speaker 2: this like very toxic, fucking hustle culture, I think it's
Speaker 2: so refreshing to see somebody as successful and as young
Speaker 2: as Ash Barty not subscribing to what we've been told
Speaker 2: that you know, is the only way to be successful.
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, she said, Now, I think it's important that
Speaker 1: I get to enjoy the next phase of my life
Speaker 1: as Ash Barty the person, not Ash Barty the athlete,
Speaker 1: which it gives me goosebumps to think about, because they're
Speaker 1: two different people, like you lose any semblance of yourself,
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of the world forgets that
Speaker 1: these players, Ash in particular, they've been playing since they
Speaker 1: were teenagers. Ash has been playing since she was fourteen,
Speaker 1: so she actually took a break. Imagine this, at eighteen,
Speaker 1: she took a break from tennis because she was like,
Speaker 1: I'm stepping back from it. She went to play cricket
Speaker 1: like she's an absolute animal. She's just want of these
Speaker 1: people as good everything. But at only eighteen, she's like,
Speaker 1: I want to have a life as a teenager because
Speaker 1: I haven't had it. So I think, while we're like, oh,
Speaker 1: she's only twenty five, we have to remember they've been
Speaker 1: doing it their entire life. There's no normalcy. I remember
Speaker 1: even Jordan's saying to me, I wish because he's been
Speaker 1: playing since a teenager. Two. He's like, I would give
Speaker 1: nothing more than to have some time at home where
Speaker 1: I can just join a sports team. I can play
Speaker 1: touch football with my friends. I could go and play
Speaker 1: trivia on a weekend with my friends, the littlest things
Speaker 1: that we all take for granted. These people are on
Speaker 1: the road every single day of the year. So to
Speaker 1: Ash Party, I can't wait to see what she does next.
Speaker 1: She did say she's like left a little hint. She's like,
Speaker 1: I have other dreams that I want to pursue. I
Speaker 1: think this is what I'm putting my two cents in.
Speaker 1: I think we're going to see Ash going to the
Speaker 1: golf world. That's what I'm going to call I think
Speaker 1: she's going to go stop playing. I love that you're
Speaker 1: taking bets now, I am she's got. I think she's
Speaker 1: gonna play golf. I think she's really genuinely I'm calling
Speaker 1: it now, I'm putting it out here. I think she's
Speaker 1: and I think she's going to be bloody brilliant at
Speaker 1: it too.
Speaker 2: Beyond and separate to Ash Barty, I think that this
Speaker 2: is just a really incredible message that we can all
Speaker 2: take a little bit from, and that is, you know,
Speaker 2: being able to put yourself first is something that's incredibly
Speaker 2: important and reflecting on why we've subscribe to working so hard.
Speaker 2: We literally just did an episode on the Overwhelm, and
Speaker 2: I just think it's so nice to have these incredible
Speaker 2: role models to show us that there is another fucking
Speaker 2: way of living. We don't have to keep on kicking
Speaker 2: goals and climbing the ladder and if it's not what
Speaker 2: makes you inherently happy at the end of the day, we.
Speaker 1: Do need to definitely acknowledge that Ash is in a position,
Speaker 1: a very privileged position, where she's made a lot of money,
Speaker 1: so it is easy for her to walk away and
Speaker 1: stop grinding. Not everyone is in that position, so you know,
Speaker 1: we're not going to say, oh, you're working too hard.
Speaker 1: Everyone quit. She's made millions and millions of dollars, so
Speaker 1: good for her. She is in a position to do it. Secondly,
Speaker 1: I don't think we've seen the end of Ash. She's
Speaker 1: only twenty five. There is no reason she can't take
Speaker 1: five years off, comeback, and she'll probably still go back
Speaker 1: to number one. So I don't think we've seen the
Speaker 1: end of our good luck, Ash Barty. I think you're
Speaker 1: a fucking legend. Hats off. You're very inspirational to everyone
Speaker 1: that watched your over the last five, seven, ten years. Anyhow,
Speaker 1: we're moving into the next section, which is accidentally Unfiltered,
Speaker 1: but we do want to keep this little intro short.
Speaker 1: I feel like we've already spoken for too longer. We
Speaker 1: got very passionate about the hustle culture. We want to
Speaker 1: keep it short because we've got such a great episode
Speaker 1: with Mark coming up. But I actually wanted to bring
Speaker 1: you an accidentally unfiltered that happened to a friend of
Speaker 1: mine this week.
Speaker 2: Okay, But before we get into actually unfiltered, can I
Speaker 2: just say I am not bringing an accidentally unfiltered this week.
Speaker 2: I trolled through the dms. None of them were that embarrassing.
Speaker 2: You guys, I know you think it's embarrassing. But on
Speaker 2: one hand, I'm like very happy for everyone that nothing
Speaker 2: too traumatic or tumultuous happened this week.
Speaker 1: And on the other hand, you all had a great week.
Speaker 1: You all had a fucking great week. And on the
Speaker 1: other hand, I'm really sad for us, because, like you know,
Speaker 1: I want I want the top shelf of embarrassment. If
Speaker 1: we're gonna do accidentally unfilters, I want it to be
Speaker 1: like the moment where you had to crawl into a
Speaker 1: hole and never wanted to come out totally. So this
Speaker 1: is why, thanks to my lucky stars that I had
Speaker 1: a friend this week that absolutely annihilated her and gave
Speaker 1: me some content to tell as an accidentally unfiltered. I
Speaker 1: have a friend and she is absolutely petrified of spiders,
Speaker 1: like she cannot contain herself. She lives alone. I laugh
Speaker 1: thinking about it. She lives alone, and as you know,
Speaker 1: there are things you have to do.
Speaker 3: We all know.
Speaker 1: I had to pick up a possum from my backyard
Speaker 1: that was dead. It was traumatic. There's things you have
Speaker 1: to do when you live alone because there's physically no
Speaker 1: one else is going to help you. So she comes
Speaker 1: into her bedroom and there is a huge and like,
Speaker 1: I haven't seen a photo, but this is her report.
Speaker 1: A huge spider. She reckons it was like the sides
Speaker 1: of the dinner plate. Obviously she's exaggeram.
Speaker 2: I feel like if you're afraid of spiders, your your
Speaker 2: propensity to exaggerate the situation is probably a little bit
Speaker 2: higher than most.
Speaker 1: Totally, She's like, it was a sidesman anaconda. Anyway, we
Speaker 1: know that, you know, it's like a big huntsman. And
Speaker 1: it was above her bed, so she couldn't get into bed.
Speaker 1: You know that you are never going to sleep. There's
Speaker 1: nothing you can do. So she's like, far out, you know,
Speaker 1: I've prepared for this moment. So she went to get
Speaker 1: the spray, the spider bug spray, because she can't bring
Speaker 1: herself to capture it, and she can't bring herself to
Speaker 1: hit her with a shoe. So she gets the bug spray.
Speaker 1: She comes in and she's she can't you know, when
Speaker 1: you can't even bring yourself because you don't want to
Speaker 1: kill an animal. But you know when you can't even
Speaker 1: bring yourself to do it, because you know when you
Speaker 1: spray it, it's gonna run. You don't know where it's
Speaker 1: going to go. You think it's gonna jump on you.
Speaker 1: So she's like amping herself up. It's scuttling around. She's frantic,
Speaker 1: she's screaming. Then it starts to make a run for her,
Speaker 1: so she thinks, so she frantically spray. She frantically sprayed
Speaker 1: the bug spray super aggressively to get it, but she
Speaker 1: sprayed it backwards into her own eyes. I shouldn't laugh,
Speaker 1: so she can't. It's all over her face. She can't
Speaker 1: see now, she's screaming. She can't see the spider, so
Speaker 1: she's she's like all over the place. She drops the bugspray.
Speaker 1: She makes herself to the bathroom. She's washing her face,
Speaker 1: splashing her eyes, frantic, she runs back, still can't see properly.
Speaker 1: She runs back to the bedroom and the spider is gone.
Speaker 1: So she not because she's not. She's got this bugspray
Speaker 1: all over her face. But this huntsman now is either
Speaker 1: in her bed, in her pillow, under her bed, in
Speaker 1: her clothes and she can't find it. That's it. So
Speaker 1: she hasn't slept in like five days. She's she'd bought
Speaker 1: the house, Downd, she's moved out. Fuck it. Do you know?
Speaker 2: Do you remember when I had the infestation I had? Guys,
Speaker 2: I don't know if you if you don't follow me
Speaker 2: on Instagram, you might not know this I had in
Speaker 2: my old apartment which is now Britney's apartment. I had
Speaker 2: it just quite so messed up, a Huntsman infestation. I'm
Speaker 2: talking like thirty humongous fucking spiders just crawling through the
Speaker 2: house behind the TV and apparently like a nest of
Speaker 2: eggs had.
Speaker 1: Obviously hatched, and they were just all over the house.
Speaker 2: There was Huntsmens everywhere, and I'm talking thirty that I
Speaker 2: could see, not just the ones that were like in
Speaker 2: the walls or behind fridges or in cupboards and stuff.
Speaker 2: So you have to have an exterminator to come and
Speaker 2: get rid of them.
Speaker 1: Hypothetically speaking like if someone else was living in your
Speaker 1: apartment now and their name was Brittany Hockley and their
Speaker 1: name was brittany where did these come from? And what
Speaker 1: can you do to stop this? Like Was this a
Speaker 1: random one off thing or is there like are they
Speaker 1: in the walls?
Speaker 2: I mean, I would definitely I'd like that we're having
Speaker 2: this conversation right now, but I would definitely suggest that
Speaker 2: you get your place fumigated yearly.
Speaker 1: That's my high recommendation to you. Pretty only looking pest fumigation. Anyway,
Speaker 1: on that, guys, let's get into the chat with Mark.
Speaker 1: I'm so excited about today's chat. We have speaker, writer, podcaster,
Speaker 1: motivational speaker, just an all around great human and most importantly,
Speaker 1: a human connection specialist. Now you might be familiar with
Speaker 1: Mark Groves. If you aren't, he has a wildly successful
Speaker 1: Instagram page with over a million followers. It's a page
Speaker 1: that I have actually been following well, Mark, Like, I'm
Speaker 1: just going to show you how uncle I am. I
Speaker 1: feel like I've been following you from the beginning, and
Speaker 1: I think I used to respond to a lot of
Speaker 1: your like story posts. I used to be like super fan,
Speaker 1: but I don't think you ever responded back. She slid
Speaker 1: into the DMO slider. I'm a good dm slider, but no,
Speaker 1: Mark Graves. Your Instagram pages create the love. I'm so
Speaker 1: excited to welcome you to it's a Life on Cut podcast.
Speaker 4: Oh, I'm so excited to be here, and you know,
Speaker 4: I'm sad to hear that I've dropped out of your
Speaker 4: story reply at level, but you.
Speaker 1: Got too big and famous. You left me for dust.
Speaker 2: But we are so We were so excited to have
Speaker 2: you on the podcast today. We've been looking forward to
Speaker 2: this interview.
Speaker 1: For so long.
Speaker 2: And one thing I'm very much looking forward to is
Speaker 2: that we start every single one of our episodes the
Speaker 2: same way. We want to know what your most embarrassing
Speaker 2: story is before we get into all the other deep
Speaker 2: dark secrets you have to share.
Speaker 4: Yeah, let's share it. That kind of speaks to my
Speaker 4: embarrassing story I had to choose because I have like
Speaker 4: two embarrassing poop stories I had to choose. Neither of
Speaker 4: them is like worse than the other from an embarrassment,
Speaker 4: They're just equally bad. So I was in school. I
Speaker 4: remember going to school. My mom made us go to
Speaker 4: school pretty much no matter what, like if there was
Speaker 4: a snowstorm. We lived like a couple kilometers from school,
Speaker 4: so my mom would drive us. No one else was
Speaker 4: at the fucking school except for us, because the teachers
Speaker 4: are like these fucking kids. Can they just go home?
Speaker 4: My mom rings I was sick that day. My mom
Speaker 4: brings Penis school. We already know where this is probably going.
Speaker 4: And I had one of those moments where you're like
Speaker 4: scared to fart, like that stage. And I should have
Speaker 4: been more terrified. We all know that that stage, and
Speaker 4: I had too much courage. I braved it, and I
Speaker 4: basically diarrhea in my pants. The worst part about it
Speaker 4: is I actually couldn't go home, so I remember went
Speaker 4: to the bathroom and like clean you know, did the cleanliness?
Speaker 4: I think I threw I must have thrown out the hunter.
Speaker 4: I don't even know anymore. I must have. I for
Speaker 4: the version of this story, I definitely did. And then
Speaker 4: the rest of the day I spent with my jem
Speaker 4: winter jacket tied around my waist, Like who walks around
Speaker 4: with a puffy jacket tied around their waist?
Speaker 1: Why didn't they just send you hard? He probably didn't
Speaker 1: tell anyone he shot his pants.
Speaker 4: No one knew it, but I know it's would have
Speaker 4: been someone who would have been like pointing out my
Speaker 4: poopy butt. But it was embarrassing because I the whole
Speaker 4: day I was just terrified, and I also because junior high,
Speaker 4: you know, kids are assholes at that age, so I
Speaker 4: was like terrified of someone seeing it because you know,
Speaker 4: then it gets weaponized against.
Speaker 1: You, Yeah, for the rest of your life. So why
Speaker 1: not just tell it on a national podcast? What age
Speaker 1: is junior high for us down under people that don't know,
Speaker 1: is that like twelve thirteen?
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's like that grade sevent eight known, that's it.
Speaker 1: Right, Because I pooped myself when I was like seven
Speaker 1: years old. I was going to try and make you
Speaker 1: feel better, but you were in high school, so it's
Speaker 1: not a whole.
Speaker 4: Different I was an adult and you were still a child.
Speaker 1: I like that.
Speaker 2: There is absolutely no like, there's no repercussions for this,
Speaker 2: Like nothing bad happened. But it's one of those real
Speaker 2: formative memories because the deep seated embarrassment that was internalized
Speaker 2: by this is still with you as a fully grown man.
Speaker 4: As at one where I did, I was in band,
Speaker 4: so this speaks again to my popularity. In junior high,
Speaker 4: I was in man and I was sitting in the
Speaker 4: back row. I played the trumpet, so you get the
Speaker 4: back row, and I tried to sneak out a fart.
Speaker 4: And it was on a metal chair and it rang
Speaker 4: off like a machine gun.
Speaker 1: And did you just cover it with the trumpet?
Speaker 4: That actually would have worked perfectly if I had just gone.
Speaker 4: You're way smarter than I was at the time, Like,
Speaker 4: why not go and just let it out?
Speaker 1: Like you literally had a trumpet in your hand, but
Speaker 1: you decided to trumpet out your butt.
Speaker 4: Yeah. So they everyone turned around and looked at me,
Speaker 4: and I tried to be like oh, but there was
Speaker 4: no one behind me, so I was doing it anyways.
Speaker 4: That was embarrassing.
Speaker 1: Do you know what the worst thing is? And I
Speaker 1: don't know if this happened to you when you were twelve,
Speaker 1: when you pooped yourself. When I did it, I remember
Speaker 1: because I'm traumatized too. I did it at the school fair.
Speaker 1: I mean not the school fair. It was the fair
Speaker 1: in the local town, like in my local town. And
Speaker 1: I didn't want to get off the rides, and I
Speaker 1: knew I needed to go toilet, but I wasn't ready
Speaker 1: to go off the rides. Anyway, I pushed it to
Speaker 1: the limit and then I had to go, so I
Speaker 1: was like, Mom, I need to go to the toilet.
Speaker 1: The line for the bathroom was one cubicle was so long,
Speaker 1: so I just shit my pants. No. Everyone started to
Speaker 1: look around at me, and I was just trying to
Speaker 1: play it cool and pretend like nothing was happening. And
Speaker 1: then my mum leans down to me. She's like, Britt,
Speaker 1: She's like, you already go to the toilet and I
Speaker 1: was like, no, Mom, She's like, Brit, I can smell it.
Speaker 1: She's like everyone, And then there were about fifteen people
Speaker 1: in front of me, and they all turned around and
Speaker 1: let me push in front of the line. They're like,
Speaker 1: you guys can go ahead. How have we been doing
Speaker 1: this podcast for two and a half years and this
Speaker 1: is the day that you share? That story just reminded
Speaker 1: me because my giveaway was me trying to think I
Speaker 1: was cool with a big turn in my pants. But
Speaker 1: the smell everyone could smell it. That was a giveaway.
Speaker 1: And I was like, I promise, mom.
Speaker 4: I haven't And how would you sit on another ride
Speaker 4: like you would have it?
Speaker 1: The whole family had to go home and they all
Speaker 1: my brothers and sisters hated me because the fair got
Speaker 1: canned earlier. Okay, we should probably get into the question.
Speaker 4: I already feel like we're in the trust tree, so
Speaker 4: this is good. We're in the trust, all right.
Speaker 1: I feel like it's time to get into unpacking some
Speaker 1: of the some of the real questions, the real reason
Speaker 1: why you're here, Mark, what do you mean is? If
Speaker 1: that wasn't a real question, when did he poove himself? Well?
Speaker 1: I want to know.
Speaker 2: You're such a modern day philosopher in how you talk
Speaker 2: about relationships and the advice that you give to people
Speaker 2: who are trying to navigate what can be one of
Speaker 2: the hardest parts of just life, human connection. How did
Speaker 2: you get into doing what you do?
Speaker 4: Yeah, you know, I think like so many people who
Speaker 4: go into work where they're a teacher of any kind,
Speaker 4: and I would imagine it might be similar for you
Speaker 4: both in your choice to create a podcast, that it
Speaker 4: really was that I really started to become the teacher
Speaker 4: that I needed, you know, Like I love the idea
Speaker 4: that you turn your mess into your message, and that
Speaker 4: was my mess. I mean my late teens, I started
Speaker 4: working at a digital like an electronic store for people
Speaker 4: in the States they know like Best Buy, but it
Speaker 4: was called Future Shop. And I wore a I wore
Speaker 4: a suit, and I sold extended warranties. I was that
Speaker 4: that guy.
Speaker 1: You were the guys you want to upgrade for fIF.
Speaker 4: That was exactly it, like your shit's super good, but
Speaker 4: in my break, so you need a warranty for it.
Speaker 4: That I really loved the idea of how do you
Speaker 4: get people to buy something or like change someone's behavior.
Speaker 4: I went in into pharmaceutical sales actually after college, and
Speaker 4: I worked in that industry for a long time. And
Speaker 4: during that time I really wanted to study more and
Speaker 4: more about psychology, but really from the perspective of how
Speaker 4: do you get people to do things, so more from
Speaker 4: a manipulative space, And in my late twenties I had
Speaker 4: an engagement and that was it. That was like I
Speaker 4: spent my whole life. I was raised Catholic. I consider
Speaker 4: myself a recovering Catholic now, and so much of my
Speaker 4: life was spent and I don't think it matters what
Speaker 4: religion you are, but culture, religion, movies, they all embedded
Speaker 4: this idea that I needed to get married by twenty
Speaker 4: five to twenty seven, have kids by somewhere near there
Speaker 4: to thirty, and if you're not doing that, there's something
Speaker 4: sort of wrong with you. And so here I was
Speaker 4: right on time. Twenty seven got engaged, and it was
Speaker 4: this massive moment where I remember proposing and then this
Speaker 4: realization of sometimes you meet a moment that you were
Speaker 4: taught to want and then you realize you don't want it,
Speaker 4: And that was really big for me. I didn't know
Speaker 4: at the time that that's what was going on, but
Speaker 4: that actually was the birthplace of me starting to think
Speaker 4: about like, how did I get here? Is this the
Speaker 4: right choice for me? Why am I so terrified? And
Speaker 4: then when I talk to people about it, they would say, oh,
Speaker 4: you're just afraid of commitment. Like this idea that one
Speaker 4: should go terrified towards getting married. Don't get me wrong,
Speaker 4: we should fear would be normal because it's uncertain. But
Speaker 4: to have a high level of anxiety is not really
Speaker 4: a great indicator, you know, anxiety being so indicative of
Speaker 4: creating a future that we might not want, or being
Speaker 4: afraid of a future we might not want. And so
Speaker 4: that made me really start to question relationships. And another way,
Speaker 4: I started to look up things on the internet, like
Speaker 4: how do you know if she's the one. That led
Speaker 4: me to some really beautiful strangers who had navigated these things,
Speaker 4: and I wrote on a forum about my circumstances, and
Speaker 4: this woman replied to me and asked me three questions.
Speaker 4: She asked me, if she left you tomorrow, would you
Speaker 4: be okay? And I thought, not only would I be okay,
Speaker 4: I'd feel relieved that I didn't have to do it. Yeah.
Speaker 4: And then the second question was can you imagine what
Speaker 4: it would be like waiting for her at the altar
Speaker 4: whatever your altar is? And I thought that made me
Speaker 4: feel anxious and scared. And the third question was could
Speaker 4: someone else love her better? And that was such an
Speaker 4: important question because that was the first time I really
Speaker 4: thought about it from her experience. I'd been so caught
Speaker 4: up in my own fears and just overwhelmed that I
Speaker 4: never really realized I was taking her down a path
Speaker 4: and she was worthy of so much more. And of
Speaker 4: course the follow up question to that is do you
Speaker 4: want to be the one who can't? And I didn't
Speaker 4: and I didn't know why, But that was when I
Speaker 4: ended the engagement, and that was the birthplace of wondering
Speaker 4: why do I do what I do? Why am I
Speaker 4: so good at talking about everything but my feelings, like,
Speaker 4: there's it's not skills, there's something more. And that was,
Speaker 4: you know, sixteen years ago when went back to school
Speaker 4: studied positive psychology, and I just immersed myself in the
Speaker 4: science of relationships. And then of course that brought me
Speaker 4: back to healing a relationship with whatever might be greater
Speaker 4: than us, because I really had an aversion to the
Speaker 4: word God, just due to Catholicism and so to spiritual
Speaker 4: connectedness and how relationships really are this sacred space where
Speaker 4: we can do healing, we can do courageous things, and
Speaker 4: I think there's no better container for learning, if.
Speaker 2: You don't mind me asking how did you navigate the
Speaker 2: breakup of that relationship at the time, because I think
Speaker 2: that there's a lot of and I know that even
Speaker 2: in myself, I have stayed in relationships for so long
Speaker 2: past an expiration date because the actual physical doing the
Speaker 2: breakup was harder than just being there and just kind
Speaker 2: of coasting along for a while.
Speaker 1: How did you physically.
Speaker 2: Make that step when you're already at a point where
Speaker 2: you were supposed to be planning a wedding.
Speaker 4: Oh man, like even the planning of the wedding. It
Speaker 4: was interesting because I had in the acknowledgment of what
Speaker 4: was finally true, like just actually meeting it and accepting it.
Speaker 4: I no longer could carry the lie like I could
Speaker 4: no longer allow myself. I think because of the perspective
Speaker 4: that I was also car bringing her along, and so
Speaker 4: that sense of responsibility that I had to not trick
Speaker 4: her or keep her in the space was really a
Speaker 4: motivator for me. I mean, one of the hardest conversations
Speaker 4: I've ever had to have in my life. You know,
Speaker 4: you sit down and say this isn't working. After three
Speaker 4: months after you got engaged. I mean we both sold
Speaker 4: our houses and bought a house together. I mean, there
Speaker 4: was so much to undo, and it really made me
Speaker 4: see that the price of inconvenience is so much less
Speaker 4: than the price of misalignment.
Speaker 1: I think we underestimate the pressure, the societal pressures what
Speaker 1: a lot of people, as well as not wanting to
Speaker 1: hurt your partner or go through a heartbreak, because I
Speaker 1: think it's sometimes harder to be the person breaking up
Speaker 1: with someone, but I think we don't. I think we
Speaker 1: mourn the loss of the life we had planned, sometimes
Speaker 1: more so than the actual relationship. So it's like we
Speaker 1: had all these plans together. We're buying this house, we
Speaker 1: were moving here, we were going to have, can we
Speaker 1: had kids? Things picked out. For a lot of people,
Speaker 1: I think they struggle more with the idea of, well,
Speaker 1: what the fuck do I do now? Like, literally, we've
Speaker 1: broken up, we move out of our how what do
Speaker 1: I do? Like the change and identity also changing identity,
Speaker 1: and what sort of advice do you have to someone
Speaker 1: that's really struggling in a breakup, Like maybe deep down
Speaker 1: they know that this isn't their penguin, it's not the
Speaker 1: right person for them. What can you tell someone to
Speaker 1: sort of introspectively think to get at their head around
Speaker 1: the fact that it's going to be okay out there
Speaker 1: that chapter is not necessarily for you, but it's another path.
Speaker 4: Well, I think this idea too, that if you're not together,
Speaker 4: there's still somehow the one inherently just by the circumstances
Speaker 4: of the relationship, they're not and you know, the at
Speaker 4: least not in that version of each other. You know, Like,
Speaker 4: if people have broken up, that breakup is serving them
Speaker 4: to get to whatever place they need to be to
Speaker 4: possibly be together again. But even then, this idea that
Speaker 4: I'm going to change to get them back, it's still
Speaker 4: tying change to an outcome rather than change to wanting
Speaker 4: to create a desired feeling, which is regardless of the outcome.
Speaker 4: I'm okay, And I think that's one of the greatest
Speaker 4: gifts of breakups is they create space that often we
Speaker 4: haven't felt ourselves. You know, when we see this when
Speaker 4: people go from relationship to relationship, they don't actually allow
Speaker 4: themselves to feel the space that really is where people
Speaker 4: complete them, you know. And I think when we lose things,
Speaker 4: not only do we realize the weight of them, but
Speaker 4: I think we often also realize cost. And you know,
Speaker 4: when someone says to me, I lost my partner and
Speaker 4: they took everything. I don't mean financially, because that can
Speaker 4: often be true, but like emotionally, I always asked them, like,
Speaker 4: what did you give them that they can take with them,
Speaker 4: you know, like get it back? Like that's the gift
Speaker 4: of it, right, Go get your shit back too, You
Speaker 4: go steal.
Speaker 1: The dog's back. Yeah, your fucking cast house.
Speaker 4: And I think that's what breakups. But I would say
Speaker 4: any grief does is it doesn't allow us to run
Speaker 4: from it. Like it demands that we listen. It demands
Speaker 4: that we recognize that. You know, even this idea that
Speaker 4: when something ends that the story is no longer available,
Speaker 4: not in the way that we had imagined. However, the
Speaker 4: story is fully available. And if you recognize like you're
Speaker 4: the writer, the director, the producer, the casting director, you're
Speaker 4: all the things, then you're really where where we are
Speaker 4: normally disempowered through relationship, By losing relationships that are inherently disempowering,
Speaker 4: we are empowered. We see like we get to decide
Speaker 4: what this relationship ending means for me. I honestly don't
Speaker 4: know a more potent vehicle for transformation than a breakup,
Speaker 4: especially one that's so readily available to us. You can
Speaker 4: get ghosted by someone you spent a week texting with,
Speaker 4: and that can devastate you. What a gift, What a
Speaker 4: gift that pain is when it reminds you that you've
Speaker 4: forgotten about yourself.
Speaker 1: Sometimes when people are single, they can go through more
Speaker 1: heartache and more. I guess it's like perpetual breakups and
Speaker 1: people in a relationship because you're constantly finding these Like
Speaker 1: you just said, you might just be texting for a week,
Speaker 1: it doesn't work out. You might date for two months
Speaker 1: doesn't work out, three months doesn't work out. Some people
Speaker 1: are going through an emotional emotional turmoil or a breakup
Speaker 1: like twelve times a year. I really want to make
Speaker 1: it clear to those people that you don't have to
Speaker 1: have been in a long term relationship to feel that
Speaker 1: pain and feel like you're not recovering and you can't
Speaker 1: learn something about yourself.
Speaker 2: Do you think it's like compounding small breakups? It's almost
Speaker 2: like small heartbreaks, But all of that, like compounding rejection,
Speaker 2: can add up to feelings. It compounds on your feelings
Speaker 2: of self worth. I think for some people as well.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean even though I you know, it doesn't
Speaker 4: mean we can't be disappointed when something doesn't work out.
Speaker 4: It's just are we left empty? Right?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 4: Am I left empty? Am I struggling with thoughts? Am
Speaker 4: I enough? Like? Did they not choose? Because what it
Speaker 4: brings up is an unhealed perception we have about ourselves,
Speaker 4: you know, like if so many of us in relationship
Speaker 4: stay in relationships where we don't feel prioritized, we don't
Speaker 4: feel chosen, we don't often even even feel safe, both
Speaker 4: psychologically and perhaps even physically. Often that's because as children
Speaker 4: we learn that that's familiar unreliability and a partner totally normal, lying, cheating,
Speaker 4: all that stuff totally normal, you know, and so we
Speaker 4: have to anytime we keep experiencing repeated patterns as adults,
Speaker 4: you can sure as hell put your finger on the
Speaker 4: fact that it comes from a conditioning as a child.
Speaker 4: And so what it does is if I'm drawn to
Speaker 4: people who are unavailable, who are liars, who are any
Speaker 4: of those things, it's because I'm seeking something. I'm seeking
Speaker 4: probably to finally be enough to be prioritized, to be
Speaker 4: understood for them to change. So Ana, I'm this Maracu,
Speaker 4: I'm so beautiful, I'm so everything that they're going to
Speaker 4: change for me. And really, you'll continue to experience heartbreak
Speaker 4: until you recognize that the adult in you actually has
Speaker 4: to provide you those things, and then you will not
Speaker 4: be drawn to people who are unreliable or any of that,
Speaker 4: because you'll have given those things to yourself. You'll have
Speaker 4: set the standard, and then those things aren't even attractive anymore,
Speaker 4: like to someone who has healed. The draw to unavailability
Speaker 4: the first sign of not only if you recognize it
Speaker 4: just the way they text or the way they talk,
Speaker 4: but you feel it because you're integrated, and in the
Speaker 4: integration you're intuition, which you had to leave to survive
Speaker 4: in childhood because you can't leave your house when you're
Speaker 4: four that has been welcomed back, and it's when that's
Speaker 4: present then and then you're not even drawn to it.
Speaker 4: You're like swipe left by, like I don't even I
Speaker 4: don't even have time for that shit.
Speaker 2: It's interesting you say this, And we've spoken a lot
Speaker 2: on this podcast around codependency. And there's something that you
Speaker 2: put on your Instagram just the other day and we
Speaker 2: wanted to talk to you about it. You wrote, your
Speaker 2: level of self love sets the bath for every other
Speaker 2: relationship in your life. How do you see someone's own
Speaker 2: self work, like how we see ourselves impacting codependency in
Speaker 2: a relationship or impacting codependent tendencies?
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean codependency is challenging because it's sort of
Speaker 4: like the normalized way of relating that we watch. We've
Speaker 4: evolved to be codependent, which is different than interdependent, you know,
Speaker 4: And I think that's it's important to differentiate, Like codependency
Speaker 4: is really I need you to validate that I'm worthy, right,
Speaker 4: Like I need to try to fix your shit, to
Speaker 4: try to get you to stop the addiction, to try
Speaker 4: to get you to change I carry the world always
Speaker 4: being like, well, no one thinks about me? What about me?
Speaker 4: But meanwhile we're the one existing in a world where
Speaker 4: everyone is more important than us. That quote is from
Speaker 4: Terry Cole, psychotherapist, and really the idea being that if
Speaker 4: you set the standard for the behaviors for yourself, if
Speaker 4: you say this is why. One of the greatest healings
Speaker 4: of things like trauma is there's a saying that the
Speaker 4: opposite of trauma is choice. And one of the ways
Speaker 4: that we can begin to trust ourselves is by first off,
Speaker 4: just making our bed every morning. I'm going to make
Speaker 4: my bed every morning, and then we do it every morning.
Speaker 4: And what that says is when I make a promise
Speaker 4: to myself, I show up. And it sounds so simple,
Speaker 4: and it is, but it's so important because it is
Speaker 4: those little, consistent, broken promises to oneself that says, when
Speaker 4: shit hits the fin I actually don't have my own back.
Speaker 4: And so the healing of codependency is first learning who
Speaker 4: you actually are separate from other people, right, Like it's
Speaker 4: creating sovereignty right And like so many of us in relationship,
Speaker 4: we like the shit our partner likes, even though we
Speaker 4: don't actually even like it.
Speaker 1: That is so true.
Speaker 2: Or you see people who almost like get into new
Speaker 2: relationships and they adopt all the things that their partner likes,
Speaker 2: like they become they become like a mini version in
Speaker 2: some ways of their likes and wants and hopes and
Speaker 2: dreams and aspirations, which you know is quite different to
Speaker 2: where they were six months ago, Like.
Speaker 1: I honestly love rock climbing as of yes so.
Speaker 4: Much, Yeah, it's my favorite.
Speaker 2: And you see that, like it's almost like you're absorbing
Speaker 2: that other person or what they want with their life,
Speaker 2: and you become an accessory to that.
Speaker 4: Such a great word, absorb, because in a way, you're
Speaker 4: right right, like I'm starting to adopt your thoughts, feelings,
Speaker 4: and beliefs, not recognizing or respecting them as separate. It
Speaker 4: doesn't mean we can't find an interest through the people
Speaker 4: we are in a relationship with. It's just like, are
Speaker 4: you authentically actually drawn to that thing you say you like?
Speaker 4: Are you pretending that you like foods you don't like?
Speaker 4: Are you pretending that you want to like restaurants you
Speaker 4: don't like. To heal codependency is to begin to be
Speaker 4: conscious about what values are you living your life by
Speaker 4: what standard are you setting for yourself? Like if you
Speaker 4: don't have reverence and admiration for who you are as
Speaker 4: a human like self love is thought, you know, and
Speaker 4: surely true is things like bubble bass and chocolate and
Speaker 4: spas and all that awesome shit. And it's so much
Speaker 4: deeper than that. It is the consistent choices I make
Speaker 4: in each moment. Do they say to me, I love me,
Speaker 4: I have admiration for myself. And if you can set
Speaker 4: that standard, anyone who doesn't hold it will just be
Speaker 4: lowering your bar. And codependency is lowering your bar to
Speaker 4: fit somebody else in. And we, I think can often
Speaker 4: do that. We're like yeah, but they just say it
Speaker 4: was one small red flag.
Speaker 2: We do a segment on every Thursday and it's called
Speaker 2: ask Guncut where people right in their relationship questions and
Speaker 2: we do our best to answer them. A very common
Speaker 2: question that we receive and something that's like a very uh,
Speaker 2: it's just a very common theme to relationships is somebody
Speaker 2: who has been in maybe not so healthy relationships or
Speaker 2: toxic relationships, and there's been that volatility that like you know,
Speaker 2: really high highs, really low lows, and then they just don't.
Speaker 2: Every time they start dating after that, they just don't
Speaker 2: feel the connection or they just don't feel like, you know,
Speaker 2: what I have with this person isn't as strong as
Speaker 2: what I had with my ex. And they're the nice
Speaker 2: people are boring. Yeah, the nice people are boring. They're
Speaker 2: comparing that volatility. What advice would you have for someone
Speaker 2: in that situation or feeling like almost like that trauma
Speaker 2: bonding and that toxicity is where they find excitement in relationships.
Speaker 4: Well, first off, compassion for where that comes from, you know,
Speaker 4: and compassion for self. That's what I mean, is like
Speaker 4: that person being able to say, like, what a beautiful
Speaker 4: level of awareness do identify I'm still drawn to people
Speaker 4: that aren't necessarily good for me. That also shows you
Speaker 4: when someone says I can't help who I have chemistry with,
Speaker 4: as if chemistry is this thing that's always good for us, right,
Speaker 4: like that what we're drawn to. If it's not healthy,
Speaker 4: then we know. I like to say that our picker
Speaker 4: might be broken, you know, and so you got to
Speaker 4: fix your picker, which sounds close to packer, but you
Speaker 4: know what I'm saying, fix your dick, fix your just
Speaker 4: fix your fix your Dick, what's really going on is
Speaker 4: from a nervous system perspective, they are confusing dysregulation with arousal,
Speaker 4: and that can often occur because of the extreme extreme
Speaker 4: emotion that occurs in volatility, on reliability, all that kind
Speaker 4: of stuff, And if you think about it, a lot
Speaker 4: of the time, what happens then is people have sex
Speaker 4: and then the feeling of not being chosen or not
Speaker 4: being safe gets treated by a rousal. So it's much
Speaker 4: like a drug, like any drug that we do to
Speaker 4: escape pain, and we just stay in that cycle because
Speaker 4: when we're in relation or going on a date with
Speaker 4: someone who's calm, who actually prioritizes us, who texts us
Speaker 4: when they say they're going to who's reliable, we're like, yeah,
Speaker 4: but that's fucking not sexy, Like I don't want to
Speaker 4: bang this person. What we're really not comfortable in is
Speaker 4: actually being in a regulated state. We're not comfortable in
Speaker 4: the calm and so my advice to them would be
Speaker 4: to seek something like sematic therapy, that's what working on
Speaker 4: your nervous system is called. And even beginning to learn
Speaker 4: things like breath work ways to regulate cold showers are
Speaker 4: actually a really incredible way to learn how to regulate,
Speaker 4: because when you even just put the end of your
Speaker 4: shower for fifteen to thirty seconds on cold, what you're
Speaker 4: observing is your bodies say you're going to die from
Speaker 4: the gold, but you're not. You're totally safe. You're in
Speaker 4: a shower right. What you're starting to do is be
Speaker 4: able to observe your body's experience separate from what you
Speaker 4: know is true, and it begins to make you the
Speaker 4: observer of your nervous system response. But breath work and
Speaker 4: stematic therapy, you can work with a therapist and you
Speaker 4: can move that very quickly, and what you'll see is
Speaker 4: all these patterns that you couldn't make sense of or
Speaker 4: all these people, you won't even be drawn to dysregulation anymore.
Speaker 4: Anyone can change any behavior in relationship.
Speaker 1: This is like music to my ears. I have my
Speaker 1: first breath work class booked in a couple of days,
Speaker 1: so I'm expecting to walk out of that a new person.
Speaker 1: I'll let you know, I'll give you trade at home
Speaker 1: to a cold shower.
Speaker 4: You really will, you know what I'm at that.
Speaker 1: Point, you know where you're like, I'll just try anything,
Speaker 1: like come at me, so I'm just going to go
Speaker 1: do some breathing for a while, come out a better person.
Speaker 1: But I want to talk to you about something that
Speaker 1: I don't actually know quite how I feel about it yet,
Speaker 1: So I'm going to ask the expert. I want to
Speaker 1: talk to you about timing, divine intervention. Do we believe
Speaker 1: in right and wrong timing? So our relationship doesn't work out,
Speaker 1: they have to move to England, Like I'm sorry, I
Speaker 1: have to go for my job. I love everything about you,
Speaker 1: but this can't work out. And then can you say
Speaker 1: where each other's soulmate? But it's bad timing? Is that
Speaker 1: bad timing or is that just they're not the one?
Speaker 1: There's no such thing as right and wrong timing?
Speaker 4: Well, yeah, you know, all that language saw me the one.
Speaker 4: I'm always mindful to not put them as singular because
Speaker 4: when you put them as singular, you don't live in
Speaker 4: an abundant experience, you know, if you believe that someone
Speaker 4: even in the first five dates or first date. I
Speaker 4: hear people say I think I met my husband or
Speaker 4: my wife or whatever I said with.
Speaker 1: The future, and that's always ended fucking terribly. I've just
Speaker 1: done it twice, and that's not the one I'm marrying.
Speaker 4: Right, Like, it's like, did you stop saying it? At
Speaker 4: least that's at least there.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've experienced exactly that two people in my life
Speaker 2: on first dates. I'd been like, this is the guy
Speaker 2: I'm going to marry, and it was a shit show
Speaker 2: over a relationship. And then my now.
Speaker 1: Husband almost I didn't have that straight away, and it's
Speaker 1: the most calm and sensible and like reliable relationship I've
Speaker 1: ever had.
Speaker 4: Yeah, isn't that beautiful? That shows you how much the
Speaker 4: prison language can be, right, Like, if I say someone's
Speaker 4: the one, then what happens if they're not? And I've
Speaker 4: made this declaration not just to myself but maybe to
Speaker 4: my friends, And so even exploring that of like when
Speaker 4: we use language like that, then we're not free to leave.
Speaker 4: We're not free to not explore that thing. And so, well,
Speaker 4: if it's bad timing, they're the right person for that experience,
Speaker 4: you know, Like if it didn't work out, is the
Speaker 4: idea that they're the one that could be the one
Speaker 4: that teaches you that you shouldn't use that language so
Speaker 4: that you don't put all your eggs in one basket, right,
Speaker 4: Like I always think wherever any relational experience is sticky,
Speaker 4: there's a story or something that needs to be healed,
Speaker 4: you know. You think like whenever we're triggered, there's something
Speaker 4: that hasn't been healed. And this idea that I always
Speaker 4: consider that if something doesn't work then is they're inherently
Speaker 4: the wrong person. They're just inherently the wrong person for
Speaker 4: what we're pursuing, which is perhaps a relationship with someone
Speaker 4: for the rest of our lives, and they are always
Speaker 4: the pathway to that person.
Speaker 1: You've got to have a bit of faith in the
Speaker 1: moment that what's happening is leading you to where you're
Speaker 1: supposed to be. Well, the lesson you really.
Speaker 4: Have no other choice, Like the other choice is that
Speaker 4: the universe has had happen in my life is actually
Speaker 4: not right, and so I need to try to make
Speaker 4: it right. As if I know better than my soul
Speaker 4: than the universe, then the lessons that are trying to
Speaker 4: work through me, as opposed to like just letting go
Speaker 4: of the tight grip to stories have to be the
Speaker 4: way we want rather than the way they are. And
Speaker 4: when you're not accepting how reality actually is, you're fighting it,
Speaker 4: which means you're going to be in pain.
Speaker 2: What about this whole notion of like circling back on
Speaker 2: a relationship. So if the relationships ended and maybe there
Speaker 2: is something that's unresolved about it, giving it another go
Speaker 2: in the future, if you know, circumstances are different. But
Speaker 2: you know, I think that some people do hold on
Speaker 2: for hope that that relationship with that person's going to
Speaker 2: come back into their life.
Speaker 4: Well timing, I mean, I speak it from personal experience.
Speaker 4: My current fiance was my past relationship, you know, and
Speaker 4: we call that relationship one point. Oh you know that
Speaker 4: in hindsight now you know, we call it a sacred pause.
Speaker 4: And we took a sacred pause in our relationship. The
Speaker 4: relationship itself when it ended was over, you know, like
Speaker 4: I was ready to move on and move forward. And
Speaker 4: I just knew from my own personal experience that unless
Speaker 4: you close the door fully, you're not even open to
Speaker 4: any sort of advanced state of the next relationship, even
Speaker 4: if it's them, you know. So it really made me
Speaker 4: start to think about a few things. One that when
Speaker 4: we use words like my heart is broken, I really
Speaker 4: realized through the heartbreak that I had in that ending,
Speaker 4: was that my heart was actually wide open, it wasn't broken,
Speaker 4: like a broken heart is one that doesn't love again.
Speaker 4: I think that's just really important that recognizing that the
Speaker 4: pain you experience in heartbreak is actually validation that you
Speaker 4: love and like, what a beautiful thing, although a painful truth.
Speaker 4: The other side is using words like get back together.
Speaker 4: I really started to see it, like, actually, you should
Speaker 4: never have to go backwards to get into any relationship.
Speaker 4: You should never have to turn down your volume for
Speaker 4: them to be the same person they were when you
Speaker 4: were in the preview version of the relationship is a
Speaker 4: failure of the pause, is a failure of the space.
Speaker 4: So really, I think about it getting together and moving forward,
Speaker 4: and if you're truly in your growth and learning from
Speaker 4: your breakup and in your zone and surfing and you
Speaker 4: know whatever, it might be your flow states, and you're
Speaker 4: just believing every day, you know, you wake up and
Speaker 4: you say, I believe in miracles. They happen every day, Like,
Speaker 4: let's be honest, they do. You can meet your person
Speaker 4: in any moment, literally any moment. But if you're so
Speaker 4: busy needing them to look like your X or be
Speaker 4: your ex, you're actually not seeing the many many thousands,
Speaker 4: millions of possibilities that are actually trying to look you
Speaker 4: in the eye. And so that is where the prison
Speaker 4: of a story needing to be a certain way can
Speaker 4: really keep reliving in our experience, not seeing that something
Speaker 4: greater is actually trying to meet you when you're ready,
Speaker 4: and that might be them, and you won't care when
Speaker 4: they show up if it's them or not. And I
Speaker 4: think that's that beauty of being able to both have
Speaker 4: hope because I'm not saying don't hope that it might
Speaker 4: be them, hope that whatever version of the relationship you
Speaker 4: really desire has perhaps them in it, but you're totally
Speaker 4: open to it not being them.
Speaker 1: I like the change in perception, the change in terminology
Speaker 1: that you just mentioned, getting together moving forward as opposed
Speaker 1: to getting back together, like you're going back to this
Speaker 1: stagnant place. I think that's really important. I mean perception.
Speaker 1: We all know the way we speak to ourselves and
Speaker 1: the way what we put out to the universe is
Speaker 1: super super important. But one quick question about your fiance
Speaker 1: was that, if you don't mind me asking, is that
Speaker 1: the fiance that you called it off with or is
Speaker 1: this a relationship? After that, you then took the pause
Speaker 1: and then you got back together with.
Speaker 4: No, No, definitely not the same. Yeah, we're sixteen years later.
Speaker 4: I got here, I got engaged, and you know that's
Speaker 4: so it was fifteen years later from that previous engagement.
Speaker 4: And you know, it's so beautiful about experiencing asking someone
Speaker 4: to marry me again. Was how different it felt that
Speaker 4: I was the right person, which is so interesting because
Speaker 4: previously I would have said my previous partner wasn't the
Speaker 4: right person, but she taught me so much. You know,
Speaker 4: my previous fiance is the one who put me on
Speaker 4: the path to have these conversations to think about things.
Speaker 4: And that's why, even if is the timing wrong or
Speaker 4: are they not the one, you look in hindsight and
Speaker 4: you can connect the dots and you say, what a
Speaker 4: beautiful journey when we're open.
Speaker 2: I think it's something that you've touched on a little bit.
Speaker 2: But also it's such a big question that people have.
Speaker 2: How do you know that someone is the one? How
Speaker 2: do you look at that person and go, yes, this
Speaker 2: is the person I'm going to spend the rest of
Speaker 2: my life with.
Speaker 4: Even the idea of the one, you know, I always
Speaker 4: think of it as many ones, like there are many
Speaker 4: ones out there. I had a friend who said to
Speaker 4: me ones that exact thing about the plural being important,
Speaker 4: but also who is willing to work it out with you?
Speaker 4: That's how I see it, you know, like, are they kind?
Speaker 4: Are they generous? Those are the two qualities when they
Speaker 4: look at the research in hindsight, Where are the most
Speaker 4: important qualities in really long lasting relationships, fulfilling relationships? Also?
Speaker 4: Are they willing to repair, like to sit to not
Speaker 4: make us sit in pain? You know, and we prioritize
Speaker 4: repair in the relationship. I would say the one is
Speaker 4: someone that you have admiration for, you're attracted to, you
Speaker 4: have respect for. Those are all the really important sort
Speaker 4: of pieces that need to be there for the foundation.
Speaker 4: Do you have fun together? Are you curious about each
Speaker 4: other's worlds? Alexander Salmon Doctor Alexander Salman says that in
Speaker 4: your lifetime you will be married many times, and it
Speaker 4: might be to the same person or not. You know
Speaker 4: this idea that the marriage is always changing, the relationship
Speaker 4: is always changing because you are and because they are.
Speaker 4: And when you start to think of it that way,
Speaker 4: because we often look at our long term partners and
Speaker 4: we're like, I can finish your sentences like you haven't
Speaker 4: had a new shit happen in a long time, like
Speaker 4: kind of bored. And it's right. And it's often because
Speaker 4: we stopped being curious about their world, you know. Like
Speaker 4: I got home from a t yesterday and simon fiance
Speaker 4: and asked her questions. For gosh, and the two days
Speaker 4: i'd been gone, she had so many things happen, like
Speaker 4: so many realizations about things, so many things she'd learned.
Speaker 4: And when you look at your partner from that space
Speaker 4: of what can I learn from you? And is there
Speaker 4: a mutual feeling back? I think that's so different. You know.
Speaker 4: I think of relationships so differently than I did when
Speaker 4: I was engaged the first time, because I see them
Speaker 4: now as this beautiful, sacred space that's so important.
Speaker 1: Well, I think a pretty big tell if they're the
Speaker 1: one or not is if you're about to marry them
Speaker 1: and you google, how do I know if they're the one?
Speaker 4: Yeah? Yeah, that's a very good It's easy.
Speaker 2: Okay, I gotta said that when you said you know
Speaker 2: that you were googling?
Speaker 1: Are they the one? I reckon?
Speaker 2: There are so many people out there who have been
Speaker 2: at that fork in the road or felt these feelings
Speaker 2: of anxiety in a relationship, and that is the Google search,
Speaker 2: like how do you know if they're the one?
Speaker 1: You know? And for an answer, hoping for Google.
Speaker 2: To literally just be like this is it, this is
Speaker 2: your But there's so much more to unpack in that, And.
Speaker 1: Well, this is why Marx does what he does, because
Speaker 1: he googled I either one didn't get his right answer,
Speaker 1: so now he's like, I will be the answer for
Speaker 1: everyone else.
Speaker 2: I also think that if you're ever at a point
Speaker 2: in your relationship where you're googling are they the one?
Speaker 1: They're not? They're probably not the fuck and one. That's
Speaker 1: a pretty good litmus test.
Speaker 4: I think the you know, the important question If someone
Speaker 4: had asked me, then would your growth be staying or leaving?
Speaker 4: My growth would have been leaving. And I think that's
Speaker 4: important for people to what is abandoning yourself staying or
Speaker 4: leaving because sometimes you know for a lot of people,
Speaker 4: and I would say, what it's true for me then,
Speaker 4: but I just didn't know is I was actually super
Speaker 4: terrified of someone loving me. So she wanted you know,
Speaker 4: she is an incredible woman, and that's what was so hard?
Speaker 4: Is that? Like, why do I have this really incredible
Speaker 4: woman and I don't want to be in a relationship
Speaker 4: with her, you know, so I think you know you're
Speaker 4: right when you're starting to ask that, I would say
Speaker 4: that you're in a beautiful beginning to a journey of understanding.
Speaker 4: It's not a bad thing to google something like that
Speaker 4: or ask that question. It actually means you care deeply
Speaker 4: about what you're giving your choice to. You know, what
Speaker 4: a beautiful gift it is to be chosen by someone
Speaker 4: and to choose, like when we recognize the value of that,
Speaker 4: like I'm going to be with you over anybody else
Speaker 4: that I could choose. Gosh, when you recognize the power
Speaker 4: like that, what like, then you might do the work
Speaker 4: a little more too. You know, you don't let your
Speaker 4: shit slide as much as.
Speaker 1: My sister and I would call it the front porch tests.
Speaker 1: Just if you think, can you picture yourself in like
Speaker 1: fifty or sixty sitting on the front porch next to
Speaker 1: someone in silent having to tea, having a little chat,
Speaker 1: having a giel. Can you picture yourself with them on
Speaker 1: the front porch in that amount of time? That's what
Speaker 1: we always say, And I don't like, I don't know
Speaker 1: where we got that from. And I don't know if
Speaker 1: that's too deep or that's probably setting our standards PEP,
Speaker 1: But yeah, I mean you can take you can use
Speaker 1: that if you want. Try about Brittany Hookly.
Speaker 4: I love it. That's going to be a I'm going
Speaker 4: to share that one.
Speaker 2: I wanted to ask you a little about in your
Speaker 2: very first engagement and people like, no, no, no, it's you know,
Speaker 2: you're just just scared to get married. This idea that
Speaker 2: maybe men are more commitment phobic than women. How do
Speaker 2: you see commitment as in like the whole conversation around
Speaker 2: like there are a commitment phobe in a relationship. Do
Speaker 2: you see it being more a male issue than a
Speaker 2: female issue, or being more a gendered thing, or do
Speaker 2: you think that we've just kind of lumped men into
Speaker 2: the same basket and been like, well, men, we have
Speaker 2: commitment issues. Women have other issues, but commitment phobic seems
Speaker 2: to be a more like gendered specific problem.
Speaker 4: Yeah. I agree. It certainly has been more assigned to men.
Speaker 4: In the research, women actually get more bored of monogamy faster.
Speaker 4: So that shows you how much our cultural messaging is
Speaker 4: so different than our actual experience. Yeah, you know, like
Speaker 4: when I consider a fear of commitment, because I think,
Speaker 4: regardless of someone's gender, that is a very common feeling
Speaker 4: afraid of closeness. I started to write about that recently
Speaker 4: because I was thinking, it's not actually that people are
Speaker 4: afraid of commitment, it's that they're afraid of what commitment
Speaker 4: has brought to them in their past heartbreak, betrayal, and
Speaker 4: you know, that really being likely framed by our childhood
Speaker 4: but also as adults. You know, like I was terrified
Speaker 4: of commitment because I thought it meant me abandoning myself.
Speaker 4: I thought it meant a woman leaving me, cheating on me,
Speaker 4: lying to me, and I didn't know all those stories
Speaker 4: were living below my fear of commitment. It was so
Speaker 4: easy to just label me with that. And you know,
Speaker 4: when I said to people I was scared to get
Speaker 4: married or I was feeling anxious, that reply was so
Speaker 4: dismissive to me. It felt I was angry because I thought, here,
Speaker 4: you want men who speak about their emotions and express them,
Speaker 4: and you just told me that I don't actually feel
Speaker 4: the way I told you. I feel. That pissed me off,
Speaker 4: you know, and that it really did, and it really
Speaker 4: made me want to understand it on a deeper level.
Speaker 4: And so I think fear of commitment is really fear
Speaker 4: of closeness. It's a fear of closeness because closeness has
Speaker 4: led to pain. So you know, it's really people express
Speaker 4: in three ways in relationship. One the express secure and
Speaker 4: secure would be my partner's needs matter as much as
Speaker 4: my own, not less than my own, not more than
Speaker 4: my own. And the other one would be my partner's
Speaker 4: needs matter more right, and that would be I'm afraid
Speaker 4: of space, I'm afraid of distance, and the other one
Speaker 4: would be I'm afraid of closeness. You know, in an
Speaker 4: attach that's really attachment style, secure versus anxious, I'm afraid
Speaker 4: of space and versus avoidant, I'm afraid of not having space.
Speaker 4: It's so fascinating, though, that we end up in relationship
Speaker 4: with the person who if we're afraid of space, they're
Speaker 4: the ones who need space, and so when they need space,
Speaker 4: it triggers us. And so you could see how that
Speaker 4: perfect sort of the universe loves to put us with
Speaker 4: those people so we can deal with our shit.
Speaker 1: Mark, I have a question for all the single people,
Speaker 1: and I was I was turning with a friend about
Speaker 1: this just a couple of days ago, dating fatigue for
Speaker 1: these people, and I've been there, Like, trust me, I
Speaker 1: was there, I'm probably gonna be there again soon when
Speaker 1: you just are like I can't do it anymore or
Speaker 1: it's so soul crushing, I'm exhausted, I'm sick of going
Speaker 1: to meet people. I'm sick of telling my story, I'm
Speaker 1: sick of being rejected, saying no, starting over. Then the
Speaker 1: feelings that come with it. Am I ever going to
Speaker 1: be the one? Why aren't I enough? Why aren't they
Speaker 1: picking me? I feel like it can be like a
Speaker 1: snowball effect, and then we hit this point where we're like,
Speaker 1: fuck it, I'm done, I'm not dating again. And we
Speaker 1: call that dating fatigue. What's your advice around that? Do
Speaker 1: you encourage being like cool, take some time off, just relax,
Speaker 1: get back into it. Do you encourage people to keep
Speaker 1: pushing through because the one's not going to burst into
Speaker 1: their room, fall on their lap and say let's get married.
Speaker 1: What's your advice around it?
Speaker 4: First off, if the one does that, that's probably kind
Speaker 4: of creepy. They're a sociopathic then they're nuts.
Speaker 1: Red flag.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I do think there's a lot of value in
Speaker 4: honoring your feeling of fatigue, because really what it's saying
Speaker 4: is it's informing you that the way one is doing
Speaker 4: it is not productive or in alignment in some way.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 4: I'd say, if you're getting thoughts or feelings of like
Speaker 4: why never me? Why is no one's that's actually really
Speaker 4: important information because it shows you where you go into victim.
Speaker 4: When you know, when you're dating someone and they have
Speaker 4: that energetic it's pretty hard to choose, you know, Like
Speaker 4: who wants to go on dates with people who are
Speaker 4: constantly MOPI? You know, it's not you're not leaving empowered,
Speaker 4: you know. I think a lot of we don't do
Speaker 4: a often do audits of our lives to say what
Speaker 4: choices am I making that give me energy? And dating
Speaker 4: should be fun? Like dating actually should be a fun process.
Speaker 4: It's the stories we tell ourselves around dating and also
Speaker 4: often recognizing that we don't realize we even have the choice.
Speaker 4: I remember working I've worked with lots of people who
Speaker 4: would say, oh, so, like I don't really want to
Speaker 4: go on another date with them, but I went and
Speaker 4: I was like, why why would you do that?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 4: And she was I remember one client saying, so I
Speaker 4: don't have to go on a second date if I
Speaker 4: don't want.
Speaker 1: To do it.
Speaker 4: I was like, no, oh my god, but what a
Speaker 4: waste of one's time. But also, you know where did
Speaker 4: that story come from? And I think there is an
Speaker 4: important shift of mindset that has to happen. That dating
Speaker 4: can be such an empowering and healing process because I
Speaker 4: get to see where are my boundaries? Where are they not?
Speaker 4: Where do I go on dates that I had a
Speaker 4: feeling earlier I shouldn't have done that? So if it's
Speaker 4: starting to exhaust you, then I would actually look again
Speaker 4: at your strategy, you know, and who are you swiping
Speaker 4: right and left? You can you get better at that?
Speaker 4: I've looked at people use their fucking app and I'm like,
Speaker 4: how do you swipe right to that? Like I couldn't
Speaker 4: even believe it. There's so many red flags, like I
Speaker 4: just want to knock their phone out of their hand,
Speaker 4: you know. And I think if we've never taken time
Speaker 4: to actually learn how to date, you learn how to date,
Speaker 4: how to be good at it, how to actually you
Speaker 4: know again, you have to get to know what you value.
Speaker 4: You have to get to know what you're actually looking for.
Speaker 4: A lot of people say I don't know. I'm like, bullshit,
Speaker 4: you know below that I don't want to declare something
Speaker 4: because I don't want to be disappointed. And then when
Speaker 4: I meet someone and they go, I'm not really looking
Speaker 4: for anything serious, and I'm like, oh, neither am I bullshit.
Speaker 4: You're just saying that so that you can maintain a
Speaker 4: connection to avoid actually having to sit in the discomfort
Speaker 4: of yourself. Which if you could do that, if you
Speaker 4: can sit in the uncomfortable space of yourself, then no
Speaker 4: longer will you be drawn to people who you're trying
Speaker 4: to fill that space with.
Speaker 1: You're like, I don't want dessert me either. You don't
Speaker 1: want that dessert? Order it.
Speaker 2: But also like on this, I think that there's so
Speaker 2: many people who they're frightened to ask questions in early
Speaker 2: on in dating, So you end up in these situationships
Speaker 2: that like go on for forever because they're too scared
Speaker 2: to ask what do you want?
Speaker 1: What are we where are we heading the questions that
Speaker 1: we want?
Speaker 2: You do you like things that would put some definition
Speaker 2: around whatever is happening and whether you're actually compatible. We're
Speaker 2: too scared of the answer because we don't want the
Speaker 2: rejection that comes with the answer to ask the question
Speaker 2: in the first place, and a lot of people will
Speaker 2: avoid it, and so therefore they become more invested in
Speaker 2: something that they really shouldn't have been invested in the
Speaker 2: first place because there was a misalignment.
Speaker 4: Yeah, the whole irony of that that I'm afraid to
Speaker 4: declare these things or get information about these things because
Speaker 4: I'm afraid of them maybe not being the one or
Speaker 4: feeling rejected when not declaring them or asking them is
Speaker 4: actually rejecting oneself. It's not saying I trust that I
Speaker 4: can find what I'm looking for and that I'm worthy
Speaker 4: of that thing. So every time you don't ask that question,
Speaker 4: to keep the one, which by definition, they're not the one. Like,
Speaker 4: by definition, if they don't want what you want and
Speaker 4: they don't choose you back, they're just not the one.
Speaker 4: Like that, the qualifier of someone being your person is
Speaker 4: that they want you to be their person. Like, that's
Speaker 4: so simple, spoil life.
Speaker 1: If they don't want you, then not a height.
Speaker 4: And that's so civil. I say to people, like, don't
Speaker 4: just give someone the title allow them to become it,
Speaker 4: because what that means is that you're being discerning in
Speaker 4: the process, and you're you're allowing yourself to observe the
Speaker 4: connection if you live in a world where connections are scarce,
Speaker 4: which is only true if you believe it, then you're
Speaker 4: going to hold on to anything even if it is
Speaker 4: not a good fit. And every time you hold up
Speaker 4: space with not a good fit, you don't create space
Speaker 4: for the right fit. You waste your time in a
Speaker 4: world trying to make the story different than it actually
Speaker 4: should be, which, to be fair, the pain of that
Speaker 4: awareness is to wake you up to that truth.
Speaker 1: I'm comany with a hard question, Mark, Let's do it
Speaker 1: fireworks and explosions versus the slow burn. Do you think
Speaker 1: you have to have that explosion on the first date
Speaker 1: in this like chemistry that's all consuming, or do you
Speaker 1: think you can have a really nice time You don't
Speaker 1: feel that overwhelming sense of spark, but you're like, well
Speaker 1: it was nice, he's really nice. He wants what I want,
Speaker 1: they want what I want. Should I go on a
Speaker 1: second day? Do you think do you believe in the
Speaker 1: slow burn as much as you do the fireworks?
Speaker 4: I mean, I would choose slow burn all day, you know,
Speaker 4: I think the reason I say that is one. Your
Speaker 4: nervous system isn't hijacked, so you're actually able to observe
Speaker 4: and make good decisions. Ideally. I remember listening to Alice
Speaker 4: and Armstrong, who's teacher. I remember she said, if it's
Speaker 4: a ten out of ten in chemistry, it's a no.
Speaker 4: And I remember thinking to myself, Well, that doesn't make
Speaker 4: any sense. That's total bullshit. Now I totally actually understand
Speaker 4: that because the real haywire chemistry is usually a trauma bond.
Speaker 4: You know, to be fair, it's usually like a distraction
Speaker 4: from actually getting to the thing we want. And I
Speaker 4: think those are the ultimate tests. It's like, are you
Speaker 4: going to say no to what you know? Is an
Speaker 4: old pattern to sit in the space of discomfort of
Speaker 4: trusting that what you actually want will arrive. And what's
Speaker 4: beautiful about that moment of lingering longer than you ever
Speaker 4: have is you begin to arrive within your own heart,
Speaker 4: within your own body, the slow burn. What's nice about it,
Speaker 4: at least, I'd say the one qualifier to it is
Speaker 4: that you need to be I did about the next date.
Speaker 4: That was my only qualifier when I went on a date.
Speaker 4: Am I excited to get to know them more and
Speaker 4: to go on another date. If that wasn't there, then
Speaker 4: I just didn't pursue it. And I also made a
Speaker 4: rule change because I used to operate chemistry forward first,
Speaker 4: and I remember having this awareness when I was doing
Speaker 4: a meditation of just like, wow, I've used intimacy to
Speaker 4: decide if someone is a good fit rather than feeling
Speaker 4: like they're actually a great fit. To know that the
Speaker 4: next step is intimacy like that, Actually the qualifier is
Speaker 4: that there is something to then go there rather than
Speaker 4: I'm going there to figure out if there is something.
Speaker 4: That switch for me was everything because finally it wasn't
Speaker 4: like a horny, heartbroken teenager man in his early man
Speaker 4: is a strong term in his early twenties, with frosted
Speaker 4: tips and a puka shell necklace. It was I would
Speaker 4: love to say frosted TIBs right. It was actually an
Speaker 4: adult starting to date. That was a big transitionary moment
Speaker 4: for me.
Speaker 2: Mark, you have an exceptional podcast of your own. It
Speaker 2: is aptly called the Mark Groves Podcast. Who has been
Speaker 2: your favorite guest that you have had on the podcast?
Speaker 4: Oh? Wow, gosh, that's a hard question.
Speaker 1: I mean, we haven't been on that yet so otherwise
Speaker 1: that would be the answer.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, we need to ring that on. I'd say,
Speaker 4: it's a tie. Can I give a tie?
Speaker 1: Get whatever you want?
Speaker 4: Well, it's your rules, your show, I would say. Zach
Speaker 4: Bush was one of my favorite who's a physician who
Speaker 4: studies the microbiome and soil, but originally started as an
Speaker 4: internist and impalliative care. And that was transformative for me
Speaker 4: because he talked about the relationship to the earth and
Speaker 4: viruses and the microbiome and just how everything in the
Speaker 4: universe is working together with us. That was just I've
Speaker 4: had him on twice and they're both my most popular
Speaker 4: episodes for people. And then I'd say one of the
Speaker 4: most powerful speakers I've heard in the last he's been
Speaker 4: a big teacher of mine for the last couple of years.
Speaker 4: Is a psychotherapist and he calls himself a soul activist
Speaker 4: and his name is Francis Weller, and he just has
Speaker 4: When I was going through the breakup with Kylie, I
Speaker 4: found his words actually through her. She shared them with
Speaker 4: me and I went on an adventure and he talked
Speaker 4: about how the soul likes to keep us on the
Speaker 4: edge of darkness. That's where it dwells, the power of darkness,
Speaker 4: that our heart's beat in the dark, that the decay
Speaker 4: of leaves is the transition of birth. And I needed
Speaker 4: to hear all of those things because I felt like
Speaker 4: I was swimming in the heaviness of pain and it
Speaker 4: was really teaching me that pain was just so transformative.
Speaker 4: And it was the first time I'd ever gone through
Speaker 4: a breakup sober, so I was forced to sit through
Speaker 4: all these things and that ended up that breakup ended
Speaker 4: up being one of the greatest gifts. And he has
Speaker 4: one line that I just love where he says that
Speaker 4: we spend our lives trying to seek belonging, to finally
Speaker 4: be chosen, and at some point we have to become
Speaker 4: the place of welcome. And that really to me was
Speaker 4: like I spent so much of my life wanting to
Speaker 4: be chosen, wanting to be loved, wanting to be enough,
Speaker 4: And it was through that breakup where I feel like
Speaker 4: turned around finally and wanted to become a place of
Speaker 4: welcome for other people. And so, yeah, his work has
Speaker 4: been really transformative for me. That's a great question, by
Speaker 4: the way, Thank you.
Speaker 1: I think that's something that almost everyone will resonate with
Speaker 1: is the feeling of wanting to be chosen and wanting
Speaker 1: to be the one and wanting to be loved. And
Speaker 1: I think that so many people going to relate to that.
Speaker 1: But Mark, I just feel like I just had an
Speaker 1: amazing therapy session. I've been walked on every word from
Speaker 1: the very beginning. I can't thank you enough for finally
Speaker 1: coming on the podcast. You were a very difficult man
Speaker 1: to get ahold of. But hey, you're very indo.
Speaker 4: I'm so grateful to be on here and to finally
Speaker 4: have made it on. You know, I'll blame it on you, Yeah, blame.
Speaker 1: It on We kept on postponing. We're so busy.
Speaker 4: Speaking of responsibility, for anybody who wants to find your Instagram,
Speaker 4: can you share all your handles so that they can
Speaker 4: connect with you or follow you along listen to your podcast?
Speaker 1: Where can I find you?
Speaker 4: Yeah? So, first off, honestly, thank you so much for
Speaker 4: bringing me on and just trusting me with your people
Speaker 4: who trust you that that really means a lot. You
Speaker 4: can find me on Instagram at Create the Love. You
Speaker 4: can really find me on anywhere at Create the Love.
Speaker 4: And then I also have another Instagram handle called it'smart
Speaker 4: Groves where I talk more about psychologically what's been happening
Speaker 4: in the world for the last couple of years. And
Speaker 4: my podcast you can find anywhere obviously not egoically named
Speaker 4: after me, just for simple simplicity. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 4: And I have lots of courses on Create the Love
Speaker 4: where people can work on codependency, they can work on dating,
Speaker 4: they can work through their breakup. There's lots of stuff.
Speaker 1: I just want to finish with a suggestion. I feel
Speaker 1: like you need to have your own little segment of
Speaker 1: like meditative stories or sleep stories on like the car
Speaker 1: map or something, because your voice is so soothy and
Speaker 1: I feel so relaxed listening to you talk. So that's
Speaker 1: my suggestion for you. I want to see you in
Speaker 1: the next felve months.
Speaker 4: I love it.
Speaker 2: Thanks Mark, It has been awesome having you on the podcast.
Speaker 1: Thank you. You are an absolute legend.
Speaker 4: Thank you. I appreciate it.
Speaker 2: You know that we never finish our episode without our
Speaker 2: suck and our sweet, our highlight and our low light
Speaker 2: of each and every week, our suck being the worst
Speaker 2: thing that's happened and the sweet thing the best. Brittany Hockley,
Speaker 2: you can kick it off. What has been your stuck
Speaker 2: for the week?
Speaker 1: Okay, my suck's actually pretty funny. It's not a real stuck,
Speaker 1: but it's funny. I went out on the weekend single
Speaker 1: now going out trying to meet our friends. She's on
Speaker 1: the dating apps, she's living her best single life, trying
Speaker 1: to meet people in the wild. This girl all comes
Speaker 1: up to me and she grabs me on dance floor
Speaker 1: and she was like, oh my god. It was like
Speaker 1: really loud. She's like, oh my god. I thought she
Speaker 1: was gonna say like I love the podcast and I was.
Speaker 3: Like hi, and she was like, my friend loves the podcast.
Speaker 1: And I was like oh okay, and I was like cool.
Speaker 1: She's like she's over there. She will die if she
Speaker 1: can meet you, and I was like yeah, of course.
Speaker 1: So she goes and gets his girl and she brings
Speaker 1: her back and she throws it to me and looks
Speaker 1: at me, and I was like, hey, thinking she loved
Speaker 1: me in the podcast because that's what she said. And
Speaker 1: this girl just looks at me blankly. And then the
Speaker 1: girl looks at the other girl, and then the other
Speaker 1: girl looks at me, and I was like hi, and
Speaker 1: she goes, am I missing something? Oh, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I am so confused and stitch up. I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm saying so confused right now. And she's like, what
Speaker 1: am I missing? And the girl's like it's Brittany and
Speaker 1: she was like what. And the girl leans in and
Speaker 1: she's like.
Speaker 3: From the I could hear it going the podcast and
Speaker 3: she's going what podcast? She's like life on cut She's like,
Speaker 3: you love them? And the girl was like, what are
Speaker 3: you talking about? And it was the most awkward situation
Speaker 3: of my life. She looks at me, she goes, I
Speaker 3: listened to podcasts no idea, hear why?
Speaker 1: And I was like, I don't know what's happening right now,
Speaker 1: but I'm going back to so I don't know. And
Speaker 1: the girl looked at me and she goes, I don't
Speaker 1: know what's happening. I'm so sorry. So I still don't
Speaker 1: know if this girl actually was a fan and then
Speaker 1: just freaked out, or if or if the friend got
Speaker 1: it really mistaken, but it was the most awkward interaction
Speaker 1: of my life. I was like, Okay, this is this
Speaker 1: is a stitch up that I'm not I'm not subscribing
Speaker 1: to this. I didn't did into this situation. Why why
Speaker 1: is this happening to me? And I was allorked embarrassed.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, why mine? That was my suck?
Speaker 1: My suite of the week is uh, your suck was
Speaker 1: going to be that Delilah vomited in your brand new rug.
Speaker 1: We literally got a brand new rug.
Speaker 4: Good.
Speaker 1: I know, I know you did, but I write this
Speaker 1: shit in my note so that I don't forget. Britt
Speaker 1: got a brand new spanking rug in our studio room.
Speaker 1: You want to see it on our Instagram stories if
Speaker 1: you follow us. It is so nice.
Speaker 2: And then the day, literally the day that the rug arrived,
Speaker 2: the very day that we ever recorded, we were in
Speaker 2: there and we were recording an ask gun cut and
Speaker 2: Delilah sits in the middle of the fucking rug and
Speaker 2: she starts going and I was like, I think your
Speaker 2: dog's about to cop.
Speaker 1: Up a hairball. She doesn't cough up a hairball. She
Speaker 1: projectile vmos, the amount of food dog food that had
Speaker 1: grown human would vomit up if they needed to vomit.
Speaker 1: It was everywhere, And then we had to stop mid
Speaker 1: record and pick chunks of dog vomit out of the
Speaker 1: carpet and then clean it. And then Brits spread so
Speaker 1: much cleaning product in the room that I thought I
Speaker 1: was going to fucking exphyxiate. That was the suck, But
Speaker 1: it was worse because Laura's like, you, dog's about to vomit,
Speaker 1: you know how the dog's heave for a bit, so
Speaker 1: I it was like SlowMo. I got up and ran
Speaker 1: to get her because I was like, if I can
Speaker 1: pick her up and get her out of the room
Speaker 1: in time, she can vomit on the floor. It was
Speaker 1: the one Basically she gave the dog the hind liick
Speaker 1: maneuver and like projectiled it across the fucking rug. So
Speaker 1: I reached out and picked her up and she was
Speaker 1: mid air and I was trying to carry her out
Speaker 1: like a football, and she starts vomiting. So I made
Speaker 1: it worse because it sprayed across the whole rug. Instead
Speaker 1: of like one contained space, there were chunks and it's
Speaker 1: one of those rugs it's like really long and fluffy,
Speaker 1: so the vomit got real deep in there. So that
Speaker 1: was my suck. It was definitely a very it's a
Speaker 1: very high pile rug which is now has dog women
Speaker 1: deeply set into it. So don't worry, brit if you
Speaker 1: ever forget what your suck is, I am here to
Speaker 1: remind you how shit your week is. Yeah. Thanks, I
Speaker 1: do have some really shit weeks, my sweet. You know what,
Speaker 1: my sweet, this week was really really simple. I had
Speaker 1: an amazing Greek meal And that sounds as silly as
Speaker 1: it can get, but that is, my sweet. I just
Speaker 1: had the best you know, when you just sit down
Speaker 1: to a meal and a wine and you're just like,
Speaker 1: this is just like I was living. I was in
Speaker 1: a moment, I was feeling it, I was full, it
Speaker 1: was delicious. I was just like, it was really happy moments.
Speaker 1: That's my sweet.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like good company, good food. You literally can't beat it.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, what about yours suck?
Speaker 2: So my suck for the week, actually, my suck for
Speaker 2: the week is very similar to the accidentally unfiltered that
Speaker 2: was told today.
Speaker 1: So I just the other.
Speaker 2: Day put on my Instagram how much I'm obsessed with
Speaker 2: this plant that I have. I have a plant which
Speaker 2: I thought was called poison ivy, but apparently it's called
Speaker 2: Devil's ivy, And I'm like, you've seen it in my yard,
Speaker 2: brit This big, beautiful. The leaves are bigger than your face.
Speaker 2: It is fucking amazing this plant.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure you don't want poison ivy in your backyard.
Speaker 2: I have had this Devil's ivy since I was like
Speaker 2: nineteen years old. I love it so much, Like I
Speaker 2: take such good care of this plant, and it's like
Speaker 2: one of the only plants I've been able to not
Speaker 2: only just keep.
Speaker 1: Alive, but it has flourished in my care because it's
Speaker 1: an innocuous weed. It's actually weed. Yeah, you can't kill it. Okay.
Speaker 2: However, so I bought online all these actually I didn't
Speaker 2: buy them, I got send them for my birthday, but
Speaker 2: I got sent plant food right like this spray spray
Speaker 2: it on the leaves, you spray it on the soil.
Speaker 1: I've had it. It's amazing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, all these different things that you like put into
Speaker 2: like granules you put into the soil and everything. Anyway,
Speaker 2: I was like so excited. I decided I'd go and
Speaker 2: like give all my plants around the house like this TLC.
Speaker 2: And I was like spraying my fucking plants with this
Speaker 2: plant food around the house. And then I put the
Speaker 2: plant food down because Molly was doing something and I
Speaker 2: was like ran over to her and they put the
Speaker 2: plant food down on the bench and then I picked
Speaker 2: it back up and I walked out to my Devil's
Speaker 2: iving and I started spraying it, and I was like,
Speaker 2: why does this smell so eucalyptosy? I sprayed my like
Speaker 2: my pride and joy with house cleaning products, a natural
Speaker 2: house cleaning product that I put next to the plant
Speaker 2: food like they are. The packaging looks identical. It is
Speaker 2: like this perfectly natural cleaning products that's full of eucalyptus oil,
Speaker 2: and I sprayed it all over my plants and is
Speaker 2: it dead? Look, it's not dead, but it's pretty unhappy,
Speaker 2: I said. The next forty five minutes, like hand washing
Speaker 2: each leaf, I was like, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: Kids haven't had a bath. The kids haven't had a
Speaker 1: bath in a week, but you've just like washed your plant.
Speaker 1: I literally leaf my leaf, So that was my suck.
Speaker 1: It didn't die, but I felt very, very stupid. It
Speaker 1: is and it's definitely not as happy as what it
Speaker 1: was before it got doused in spray and wipe. And
Speaker 1: my sweet for the week is just that it was
Speaker 1: my birthday, and I'm pretty low key for my birthdays.
Speaker 1: I don't like, you know, I don't do big parties.
Speaker 1: I don't make a big fuss about it, but I
Speaker 1: felt like the people who are important to me in
Speaker 1: my life made a big fuss of me and made
Speaker 1: me feel really really important and special.
Speaker 2: So we had just had the most beautiful time. We
Speaker 2: went for a gorgeous dinner last night.
Speaker 1: We had a babysitter for like seven hours and we
Speaker 1: went and had la la. I think that's why I'm
Speaker 1: in such a good mood today. And we had sex.
Speaker 1: So there's been so many great things that have been happening. Yeah, lation, congratulations.
Speaker 1: It's like you only do it twice a year. We
Speaker 1: are staying in a tiny villa and Matt's mum's staying
Speaker 1: with us, so yeah, sorry about that to my mother
Speaker 1: in law, but you know what times and to half
Speaker 1: you're going to take it weeken. Oh you did it
Speaker 1: while while they're all in there. That's great. She's in
Speaker 1: the room next door. It's fine. We're all very close.
Speaker 1: She was there when I gave birth to Marley, so
Speaker 1: I think it's fine. She can be in the room
Speaker 1: next door. Anyway. That's too much sharing for one evening,
Speaker 1: but that is in from us, guys. We hope that you.
Speaker 2: Love the episode. We hope that you love Mark Groves
Speaker 2: as much as we did. Honestly, he is just the
Speaker 2: most amazing man, and we hope that you've got something
Speaker 2: out of the episode and feel a little bit more
Speaker 2: empowered in your relationships.
Speaker 1: We're not going to tell you too much, but stay
Speaker 1: tuned for next week because we have another absolutely kill
Speaker 1: episode that is bound to have you in stitches on
Speaker 1: the floor. But please keep the accidentally unfiltered and the
Speaker 1: ask Gun cuts and the confessionals and anything else that
Speaker 1: happens to you keep them sliding on into the dms
Speaker 1: on Instagram a Life un Cut podcast.
Speaker 2: I also like that you're teasing next week's episode, but
Speaker 2: we literally have two more episodes to come out Before
Speaker 2: that episode comes out. We do have ask Gun Cut, Okay, However,
Speaker 2: I do want to make everyone aware I am taking
Speaker 2: this week's ask Gun cut off and it is Britt
Speaker 2: and Keisha doing this week's comings ask Gun Cut, so
Speaker 2: you will get a whole new perspective from someone who
Speaker 2: has lived it but is equally as unqualified as what
Speaker 2: I am. That Kish and Britt are going to be
Speaker 2: taking the microphones and doing ask Gun cut this week
Speaker 2: and giving me a day off.
Speaker 1: For my birthday. This is our birthday present to you.
Speaker 1: We're like, I'm going to give you one day off.
Speaker 1: That is it. I'm going to go and have a
Speaker 1: massage and a manny petty on Thursday next week. Please,
Speaker 1: if you haven't left us a review, why not do that.
Speaker 1: We haven't asked you to do that in a while,
Speaker 1: So leave us a sneaker review five stars. Hit the
Speaker 1: follow subscribe button if you feel in a little bit
Speaker 1: extra generous, and don't forget to tell your mum, tell
Speaker 1: your dad, tell you dog, tell your friends, and share
Speaker 1: the love because we do you love.
Speaker 4: Blave the company, the body, the bay, the