WEBVTT - CREATE THE LOVE - Uncut with Mark Groves

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<v Speaker 1>Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout

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<v Speaker 1>Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We

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<v Speaker 1>pay our respect to their elders past and present and

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<v Speaker 1>extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Island

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<v Speaker 1>of peoples today.

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<v Speaker 2>This episode of Life un Cut is recorded on Gadigal

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<v Speaker 2>Land of the Aurora Nation and bunge Lung of the

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<v Speaker 2>Araqual people.

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<v Speaker 1>Hi guys, and welcome back to a very special episode

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<v Speaker 1>of Life Uncut. And it's special because Laura has entered

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<v Speaker 1>a new year of life. She's thirty one ish plus

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<v Speaker 1>a bit plus on line as we all keep the

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<v Speaker 1>daily mail casing I'm Brittany.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm the one whose age is very ambiguous. No, I'm

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<v Speaker 2>thirty six, everybody, and I am a proud thirty six

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<v Speaker 2>year old woman. I just want to say I've had

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<v Speaker 2>the freaking best birthday this year. And I had a

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<v Speaker 2>real moment in the last couple of days but I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, I think my late thirties are going to

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<v Speaker 2>be the best years of my life. I'm calling it

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<v Speaker 2>all the feels.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh God, do you know what is funny? I know

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<v Speaker 1>I did a birthday post for Laura, and I said

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<v Speaker 1>something like, I can't believe you're thirty one, like obviously

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<v Speaker 1>just making a joke. Someone commented and goes, I'm pretty

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<v Speaker 1>sure she's thirty six. I was like, bro, it's a joke.

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<v Speaker 1>It reminded me last year when it was my birthday

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<v Speaker 1>and I was with Jordan and Jordan did a birthday post. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>the running joke was that I was like seven years

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<v Speaker 1>older than Jordan. So Jordan was like, happy twenty fifth,

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<v Speaker 1>Happy birthday to my sixtieth. No, he was like, happy

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<v Speaker 1>twenty fifth birthday. And someone wrote on his post and

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<v Speaker 1>was like, I can't believe you'd think she's twenty five. She's,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, telling the truth kind of thing, like trying

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<v Speaker 1>to call me out. She is like she's thirty, she's

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<v Speaker 1>thirty four. Jordan was like, this person is serious. I

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<v Speaker 1>was like, guys, this is a joke. I'm not lying.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not caf mashining him to keep him.

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<v Speaker 2>I think it's funny because I think age is such

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<v Speaker 2>a thing that we're supposed to be wary of as

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<v Speaker 2>we get older, like almost like we're supposed to wear

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<v Speaker 2>age with shame. And I know that we make jokes

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<v Speaker 2>about it all the time, but I was thinking about it,

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<v Speaker 2>and Matt asked me, He's like, if you can look back,

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<v Speaker 2>like what has been your favorite phase of life? And

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<v Speaker 2>of course my twenties were cool, Like traveling around the

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<v Speaker 2>world was cool. Doing fun things in my twenties when

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<v Speaker 2>there was no responsibilities was amazing. But at the same time,

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<v Speaker 2>I think about that period of my life in my

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<v Speaker 2>twenties and just how I didn't have my shit together,

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<v Speaker 2>just how like emotionally.

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<v Speaker 1>Chaotic I was.

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<v Speaker 2>Even though I, yes, sure maybe I was in India

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<v Speaker 2>having like your low time of my life, it was

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<v Speaker 2>such a chaotic emotional time in that like it's when

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<v Speaker 2>you go through the weird throws of relationships, It's when

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<v Speaker 2>you're trying to figure everything out. And then now at

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<v Speaker 2>thirty six, I'm like, Okay, I don't get to do

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<v Speaker 2>all of that stuff, and I'm sitting in Barron Bay

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<v Speaker 2>in a very kid friendly resort. But at the same time,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm like, I feel so much more at peace, I

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<v Speaker 2>feel so much more accepting of who I am as

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<v Speaker 2>a person. I feel so much more comfortable and confident.

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<v Speaker 1>And I mean my.

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<v Speaker 2>Boobs are as the saggers they've ever been. But I

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<v Speaker 2>feel the most confident I've ever felt. And it's a really,

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<v Speaker 2>really nice place to be in life.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, you look like a supermodel and you boom great,

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<v Speaker 1>I can confirm, but no, but I think that this

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<v Speaker 1>is I mean, what I think is that every phase

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<v Speaker 1>of life we go through, because we're changing with it,

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<v Speaker 1>we think that that is the best time of our life.

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<v Speaker 1>And it's because we've evolved and grown. But like I

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<v Speaker 1>look back at my young twenties, my twenties, when I

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<v Speaker 1>was traveling the world, I literally was living the life.

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<v Speaker 1>I was traveling NonStop. I had so many experiences. But

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<v Speaker 1>with that comes stresses. It comes debt, becomes no money.

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<v Speaker 1>When you're younger, usually unless you are blessed and born

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<v Speaker 1>into a very wealthy family or somehow you won a lottery,

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<v Speaker 1>you've got a lot of money. Those younger years are

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<v Speaker 1>very formative and you're at university and you're starting to grind.

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<v Speaker 1>You're at the start of a job, so you're not

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<v Speaker 1>earning good money. Yet they come with their own level

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<v Speaker 1>of stresses. So now I'm older, I've got more I've

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<v Speaker 1>got more money to travel and do things, but I

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<v Speaker 1>don't because I'm working so hard gets the money to travel.

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<v Speaker 1>So it's like it's all backwards, do you know what

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<v Speaker 1>I mean? Like life is backwards, and I think you've

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<v Speaker 1>just got to live in a moment and make the

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<v Speaker 1>most of what you have totally. And I just think,

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<v Speaker 1>like I think my twenties were such a volatile time

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<v Speaker 1>of life. And I know that you say that my

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<v Speaker 1>tits are great, but they used to make eye contact

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<v Speaker 1>and now they look at the floor. But apart from that,

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<v Speaker 1>everything else is great. They still do make eye contact

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<v Speaker 1>with someone that's lane on the floor. There you go, exactly,

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<v Speaker 1>just it chasteurized down everybody. But you did have a

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<v Speaker 1>good birthday. I had such a fun time.

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<v Speaker 2>So we are currently I know we said last week

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<v Speaker 2>that we were recording this by a zoom. We're also

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<v Speaker 2>recording this start of this week's episode by a zoom.

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<v Speaker 1>We have.

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<v Speaker 2>I can't even tell you how great this week's episode is.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm so excited for you to listen to the conversation

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<v Speaker 2>we had. We have a guy on his Canadian his

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<v Speaker 2>name is Mark Groves, and he is truly a relationship

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<v Speaker 2>expert and a modern day philosopher and how he speaks

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<v Speaker 2>about human connections, how he speaks about relationships and how

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<v Speaker 2>he speaks about the.

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<v Speaker 1>World of dating.

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like everybody read, whether you were single or

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<v Speaker 2>whether you're in a relationship, you were going to get

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<v Speaker 2>something so incredible out of this episode. But in the meantime,

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<v Speaker 2>this intro I'm en Byron at the moment. We decided

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<v Speaker 2>to take the kids up here for a couple of

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<v Speaker 2>days just to get away from oh just to get

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<v Speaker 2>out of Sydney and to kind of have a change

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<v Speaker 2>of scenery. It has rained every single day except for one,

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<v Speaker 2>which was kind of expected, just done like.

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<v Speaker 1>Really wholesome family things. We went to the bowling club

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<v Speaker 1>for my birthday. We rocked out to this really old

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<v Speaker 1>school band.

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<v Speaker 2>The kids are jacked on ice cream and yeah, it's

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<v Speaker 2>been really fun.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm here for I love that you've gone away. I

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<v Speaker 1>love that you've reset. I love that with you with

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<v Speaker 1>your kids, you're having ice cream. I saw your birthday.

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<v Speaker 1>You were at the pub, the local pub, having a

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<v Speaker 1>dance with Mali.

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<v Speaker 2>Some of you guys might remember last year we bought

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<v Speaker 2>a house up here, and like, we're not living in it.

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<v Speaker 2>We still live in Sydney and we're renting the place. Out,

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<v Speaker 2>but we really loved the little community that we bought in,

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<v Speaker 2>and it's in an area called Bangalow, and so we

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<v Speaker 2>came up and we thought for my birthday would go

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<v Speaker 2>to the Bangalo Bowls and we just went to the

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<v Speaker 2>bowling club and it was so fucking fun. The kids

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<v Speaker 2>were running around like they were absolutely feral. Act there

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<v Speaker 2>was this one moment so all with there's so many kids,

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<v Speaker 2>because my sister has two kids and then I've got

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<v Speaker 2>the two kids.

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<v Speaker 1>All these kids were just.

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<v Speaker 2>Running around being mental and Mallie was standing there dancing,

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<v Speaker 2>and it's packed as well because there was some like

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<v Speaker 2>Stonewood party on at the same time. She's there grooving

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<v Speaker 2>away to Darryl Braithwaite classic and she.

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<v Speaker 1>Flings her hand back. She flings her.

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<v Speaker 2>Hand back and the entire ice cream cone goes straight

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<v Speaker 2>into the woman behind hers bo like she puts her

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<v Speaker 2>chocolate ice cream cone into this woman's butt cheek. And

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<v Speaker 2>I'm watching this all unfold and Marley's face, the horror

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<v Speaker 2>on her face when she realizes what she's done. But

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<v Speaker 2>the woman didn't know, She had no idea what had

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<v Speaker 2>just happened.

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<v Speaker 1>So did you tell her or did you just be like, run,

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<v Speaker 1>Marley run. I just made eye contact with Marley and

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<v Speaker 1>we were both like what the fuck do we do?

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<v Speaker 1>Which is definitely not the face that you make it

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<v Speaker 1>a two year old, because I feel like I'm supposed

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<v Speaker 1>to be the voice of reason in this situation. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>you're supposed to make the decisions. Yes, I both pretended

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<v Speaker 1>like it didn't happen.

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<v Speaker 3>No, Laura, no no, no, no, no no no.

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<v Speaker 1>So to the woman who was at a Banngalo bowling

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<v Speaker 1>club who had an ice cream butt when she got home,

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<v Speaker 1>I am, I am really sorry. I didn't have the emotional, spiritual,

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<v Speaker 1>or mental capacity to deal with that at that time,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm really really apologetic. I am shook that you

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<v Speaker 1>did that. I'm the person that would go up to

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<v Speaker 1>someone and be like, I just know you had the

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<v Speaker 1>tiniest little green thing in your teeth from across the room.

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<v Speaker 2>I could have walked up to and be like, hey,

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<v Speaker 2>I've just wanted to let you know my daughter just

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<v Speaker 2>put an entire ice cream into your buttthole.

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<v Speaker 1>Sorry about that. You didn't notice? Yes, no, yes you can.

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<v Speaker 1>That's what you do you do because you let her

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<v Speaker 1>go and like wash it off. She's not gonna go

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<v Speaker 1>crazy at you. She's from Bengalo.

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<v Speaker 2>No one goes crazy in Bangalo. Everyone's very nice in Bangalo.

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<v Speaker 2>They're good people up this way, imagine or Laura.

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<v Speaker 1>You're gonna get the worst calm now you know that.

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<v Speaker 2>I can't wait for us to get a review from

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<v Speaker 2>someone who's like, I love the podcast, but Laura's a

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<v Speaker 2>bitch because she put ice cream on someone's bumb and

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<v Speaker 2>didn't tell them.

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<v Speaker 1>Waiting for it. I can't wait, guys anyway, Like.

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<v Speaker 2>We said, we have such an awesome episode for you,

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<v Speaker 2>so I cannot wait to get into this because it

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<v Speaker 2>is I reckon, this is one of my favorite apps

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<v Speaker 2>we've ever done.

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<v Speaker 1>Britt, I agree, and I want to start by saying

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<v Speaker 1>just so to quickly tell you who Mark Groves is.

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<v Speaker 1>He's been on the gram for a long time. He's

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<v Speaker 1>got a million followers. He's a human relationship connection specialist.

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<v Speaker 1>He's so wise. He has the most soothing, relaxing, beautiful

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<v Speaker 1>voice I have ever heard. I could listen he could

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<v Speaker 1>put me to sleep in terms of how soothing his

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<v Speaker 1>voice is. But I could talk to him for hours now.

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<v Speaker 1>I have been a very big fan of Mark Groves.

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<v Speaker 1>His instagrams create the love for many years. I actually

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<v Speaker 1>just went back in my messages to see because I

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<v Speaker 1>messaged Mark I DMD him. I slip to the DM

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<v Speaker 1>to try and get him on the pod.

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<v Speaker 2>I just want it before you tell this story, Britt,

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<v Speaker 2>I went back to mine as well, and I have

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<v Speaker 2>sent him six messages over the years and he has

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<v Speaker 2>not replied to any of them except the last one.

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<v Speaker 2>I looked back in twenty eighteen, I shared something that

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<v Speaker 2>he wrote, I want to read to you what I

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<v Speaker 2>shared on my stories in twenty eighteen, and I was like,

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<v Speaker 2>this is me. I never know, but I trust, and

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<v Speaker 2>then this is the quote that I shared. I have

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<v Speaker 2>come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I

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<v Speaker 2>am going, and I have trained myself to love it

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<v Speaker 2>because it is only when we are suspended in midair

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<v Speaker 2>with no landing in sight, that we force our wings

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<v Speaker 2>to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly,

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<v Speaker 2>we still we still may not know where we are

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<v Speaker 2>going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of

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<v Speaker 2>the wings.

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<v Speaker 1>You may not know where you're going, but you know

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<v Speaker 1>that so long as you spread your wings, the winds

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<v Speaker 1>will carry you. That's by Sea joy Bell, but Create

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<v Speaker 1>the Love put it on, I reshared it and I

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<v Speaker 1>wrote to him being like I feel this so much

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<v Speaker 1>right now. He ignored me. He never wrote back. This

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<v Speaker 1>has been going on from twenty eighteen.

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<v Speaker 2>Do you know I love that this was like directly

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<v Speaker 2>after The Bachelor, when you were going through a mental

0:09:36.840 --> 0:09:38.800
<v Speaker 2>life crisis as well, and you're like, I have no

0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:42.800
<v Speaker 2>idea what I'm doing. And also if you're somebody who

0:09:42.880 --> 0:09:45.840
<v Speaker 2>when you're going through a hard time, likes to read,

0:09:45.840 --> 0:09:49.040
<v Speaker 2>tweet or likes to repost quotes, I feel like it's

0:09:49.080 --> 0:09:51.160
<v Speaker 2>something that we do thinking that it's not an overt

0:09:51.200 --> 0:09:53.480
<v Speaker 2>way of sharing what's going on in our lives. But really,

0:09:53.520 --> 0:09:56.760
<v Speaker 2>when somebody starts sharing Instagram quotes about like you know,

0:09:57.000 --> 0:09:59.080
<v Speaker 2>not knowing where they're going, or about how their soul

0:09:59.200 --> 0:10:00.840
<v Speaker 2>is hurting, it's like you you know that person is

0:10:00.880 --> 0:10:03.319
<v Speaker 2>going through a breakup or there's some big life milestone

0:10:03.320 --> 0:10:06.080
<v Speaker 2>that's happening in that person's life. Create the Love, which

0:10:06.120 --> 0:10:07.880
<v Speaker 2>is Mark Grove's Instagram.

0:10:07.520 --> 0:10:09.240
<v Speaker 1>It's perfect for that. If you're looking for a quote

0:10:09.240 --> 0:10:12.080
<v Speaker 1>to share, it is a gold mine.

0:10:12.679 --> 0:10:14.840
<v Speaker 2>But the reason why it's a gold mine is because

0:10:14.920 --> 0:10:20.240
<v Speaker 2>he genuinely just has the most incredibly insightful, incredibly authentic

0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:24.040
<v Speaker 2>and beautiful perspective on life, on the perspective on relationships,

0:10:24.120 --> 0:10:27.120
<v Speaker 2>and I loved everything about this chat. We're going to

0:10:27.200 --> 0:10:30.000
<v Speaker 2>get into that shortly, but before we do, I just

0:10:30.080 --> 0:10:33.240
<v Speaker 2>wanted to talk to you about something that has completely

0:10:33.520 --> 0:10:37.120
<v Speaker 2>stopped the world in its tracks, whether you were into

0:10:37.160 --> 0:10:41.000
<v Speaker 2>sport or not, and that is our Australian Golden Girl,

0:10:41.160 --> 0:10:41.800
<v Speaker 2>Ash Party.

0:10:42.120 --> 0:10:44.839
<v Speaker 1>She's only twenty five years old. She has won three

0:10:44.960 --> 0:10:48.640
<v Speaker 1>Grand Slam so she's won the French Wimbledon, which Wimbledon

0:10:48.720 --> 0:10:51.760
<v Speaker 1>was her dream, and just recently this year twenty twenty two,

0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:54.240
<v Speaker 1>she won the Australian Open. Now she ended a forty

0:10:54.240 --> 0:10:57.680
<v Speaker 1>four year drought of any Australian winning the Australian Open.

0:10:57.880 --> 0:11:01.920
<v Speaker 1>It's absolutely huge. You could not be any more at

0:11:01.920 --> 0:11:05.720
<v Speaker 1>the top of your field than Ash Barty is in tennis.

0:11:06.520 --> 0:11:10.120
<v Speaker 1>She just came out last week and said, you know what,

0:11:11.080 --> 0:11:15.440
<v Speaker 1>I'm done, I'm retiring, I'm tappy out and the world

0:11:16.200 --> 0:11:19.079
<v Speaker 1>has gone bonkers. Everyone is like, wait, what, what the fuck?

0:11:19.160 --> 0:11:21.679
<v Speaker 1>How do you you were on this role? You are

0:11:21.800 --> 0:11:25.240
<v Speaker 1>the You couldn't be better. You will continue to I mean,

0:11:25.280 --> 0:11:27.640
<v Speaker 1>she's twenty five, they continue, they didn't even usually reach

0:11:27.720 --> 0:11:29.319
<v Speaker 1>their peak these I mean, I know this because we

0:11:29.360 --> 0:11:31.400
<v Speaker 1>all know I dated tenth pay, but they usually don't

0:11:31.400 --> 0:11:33.000
<v Speaker 1>even reach their peak for a few more years. But

0:11:33.080 --> 0:11:34.600
<v Speaker 1>she's just like, I've had enough.

0:11:35.400 --> 0:11:37.360
<v Speaker 2>Especially when you look at someone who like Roger Federer,

0:11:37.360 --> 0:11:39.480
<v Speaker 2>who's still playing well into his forties, you know, like

0:11:39.559 --> 0:11:42.080
<v Speaker 2>and still crushing it in his forties, I think that

0:11:42.080 --> 0:11:45.600
<v Speaker 2>that's where the precedent lies, where you're like, well, twenty five. Yes,

0:11:45.640 --> 0:11:48.720
<v Speaker 2>maybe twenty five is older in some sports, but for tennis,

0:11:48.760 --> 0:11:51.560
<v Speaker 2>it's actually still quite young, and there's still a lot

0:11:51.679 --> 0:11:53.920
<v Speaker 2>of room for being at the top of your game

0:11:54.120 --> 0:11:55.400
<v Speaker 2>for so many years to come.

0:11:56.120 --> 0:11:59.280
<v Speaker 1>And originally the world was pretty crazy. Everyone was like,

0:11:59.280 --> 0:12:01.360
<v Speaker 1>why would you do this? You're number one, you're the

0:12:01.400 --> 0:12:03.600
<v Speaker 1>best of your sport, you're so young, you've got years

0:12:03.679 --> 0:12:06.520
<v Speaker 1>left to go, you can make millions more dollars, you're

0:12:06.559 --> 0:12:09.880
<v Speaker 1>so inspirational. Everyone was up in arms a little bit

0:12:09.920 --> 0:12:11.760
<v Speaker 1>and didn't understand it, and they were a bit against

0:12:11.800 --> 0:12:14.600
<v Speaker 1>the fact. But since she's come out down a press confidence,

0:12:14.640 --> 0:12:17.160
<v Speaker 1>we've realized that there this is a lot deeper, and

0:12:17.200 --> 0:12:18.960
<v Speaker 1>there's a lot more to this, and it's turned into

0:12:19.000 --> 0:12:21.520
<v Speaker 1>a level of respect that she's walking away so young

0:12:21.559 --> 0:12:23.680
<v Speaker 1>and at the top of her game, because it really

0:12:23.720 --> 0:12:27.960
<v Speaker 1>goes against this thing that we call hustle culture. We've

0:12:28.000 --> 0:12:30.559
<v Speaker 1>talked about hustle culture before, but never on a level

0:12:30.679 --> 0:12:33.600
<v Speaker 1>have we seen it like this, like somebody of Ash

0:12:33.640 --> 0:12:37.360
<v Speaker 1>Barty's level coming out and saying, I've had enough. Ash

0:12:37.440 --> 0:12:40.040
<v Speaker 1>Muddy said, I know how much work it takes to

0:12:40.120 --> 0:12:42.280
<v Speaker 1>bring the best out of yourself. I've said it to

0:12:42.320 --> 0:12:45.839
<v Speaker 1>my team multiple times. I just don't have that in

0:12:45.880 --> 0:12:49.560
<v Speaker 1>me anymore. I don't have the physical drive, the emotional

0:12:49.600 --> 0:12:52.680
<v Speaker 1>want and everything it takes to challenge yourself at the

0:12:52.800 --> 0:12:57.839
<v Speaker 1>very top level anymore. And how fucking refreshing is that?

0:12:58.000 --> 0:13:00.319
<v Speaker 1>How good is that to see someone say, you know, well,

0:13:00.360 --> 0:13:02.520
<v Speaker 1>I know I'm good. I know I can have millions.

0:13:02.559 --> 0:13:04.800
<v Speaker 1>I know the world wants me to keep playing. I

0:13:04.880 --> 0:13:08.240
<v Speaker 1>feel the pressure, but guess what, I don't want it

0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:10.280
<v Speaker 1>and I don't feel it, and I'm going to take

0:13:10.360 --> 0:13:12.440
<v Speaker 1>some autonomy back in my life and do what makes

0:13:12.480 --> 0:13:14.640
<v Speaker 1>me happy. And as much as it's so upsetting for

0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:16.760
<v Speaker 1>so many people to see so many people are praising

0:13:16.800 --> 0:13:18.720
<v Speaker 1>her now being like, you know what, girl, You've worked

0:13:18.760 --> 0:13:20.319
<v Speaker 1>so hard, go and live your life.

0:13:20.640 --> 0:13:23.080
<v Speaker 2>I just think it is the most empowering thing to

0:13:23.120 --> 0:13:24.959
<v Speaker 2>be able to do that. And we've spoken, We've done

0:13:24.960 --> 0:13:26.920
<v Speaker 2>a whole episode on hustle culture and why are we

0:13:27.040 --> 0:13:29.640
<v Speaker 2>subscribed to not just the nine to five, but subscribe

0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:31.880
<v Speaker 2>to the six am to ten pm.

0:13:31.920 --> 0:13:32.959
<v Speaker 1>You know, we don't switch off.

0:13:33.000 --> 0:13:36.040
<v Speaker 2>We're constantly feeling as though we need to be more successful,

0:13:36.120 --> 0:13:39.600
<v Speaker 2>to be furthering our careers, to be better and bigger.

0:13:39.920 --> 0:13:41.280
<v Speaker 2>And I think at the end of the day, there

0:13:41.360 --> 0:13:43.640
<v Speaker 2>sometimes comes a point where you need to reflect on

0:13:44.520 --> 0:13:46.400
<v Speaker 2>why am I working like a dog? Am I working

0:13:46.400 --> 0:13:49.120
<v Speaker 2>like a dog for myself for my own internal validation,

0:13:49.240 --> 0:13:50.800
<v Speaker 2>or am I doing it for somebody else? And I

0:13:50.840 --> 0:13:54.360
<v Speaker 2>think in this instance Ash having that reflection that she's like, well,

0:13:54.880 --> 0:13:57.320
<v Speaker 2>I know that I can be that person. I've already

0:13:57.400 --> 0:13:59.640
<v Speaker 2>succeeded in everything I wanted to do, and now I

0:13:59.640 --> 0:14:02.040
<v Speaker 2>want it succeed and work on myself and have a

0:14:02.040 --> 0:14:04.839
<v Speaker 2>personal laugh because obviously, I mean, brit you would know

0:14:04.840 --> 0:14:07.319
<v Speaker 2>there more than anyone. But when you are a professional

0:14:07.320 --> 0:14:10.840
<v Speaker 2>sports person, the amount of yourself as a human that

0:14:10.880 --> 0:14:13.920
<v Speaker 2>you sacrifice in order to be an elite sports person,

0:14:14.160 --> 0:14:17.200
<v Speaker 2>it's almost like it's so unrelatable, Like we probably could

0:14:17.240 --> 0:14:20.560
<v Speaker 2>never understand how many sacrifices an elite sports person has

0:14:20.600 --> 0:14:22.440
<v Speaker 2>to make when it comes to the time that they

0:14:22.440 --> 0:14:23.960
<v Speaker 2>have with their family, all the time that they have

0:14:24.040 --> 0:14:26.400
<v Speaker 2>with their friends, or even just being able to enjoy

0:14:26.760 --> 0:14:29.320
<v Speaker 2>and celebrate their wins because they're straight into the next

0:14:29.320 --> 0:14:32.920
<v Speaker 2>tournament and the next thing that they have to succeed at. Yeah,

0:14:32.960 --> 0:14:35.200
<v Speaker 2>and it's one of those things that we know in

0:14:35.320 --> 0:14:36.960
<v Speaker 2>terms of we know that it's easy for us to

0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:38.920
<v Speaker 2>sit back and say, but I didn't realize until I

0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:40.680
<v Speaker 2>obviously experienced it firsthand.

0:14:40.760 --> 0:14:43.400
<v Speaker 1>I remember when I met Jordan. I remember him saying

0:14:43.440 --> 0:14:45.240
<v Speaker 1>to me, and I was a little bit put off

0:14:45.240 --> 0:14:48.720
<v Speaker 1>at the start. He was like, I'm so I like,

0:14:48.760 --> 0:14:50.880
<v Speaker 1>I'm in love with you, I'm so into you, I'm

0:14:50.920 --> 0:14:53.280
<v Speaker 1>so happy. I've never been happier. And I don't want

0:14:53.280 --> 0:14:54.960
<v Speaker 1>you to take offense to this. I need you to

0:14:55.040 --> 0:14:58.400
<v Speaker 1>know you're never going to come first. That's what he said.

0:14:58.480 --> 0:15:00.480
<v Speaker 1>He's like, for now, for this part of my life.

0:15:00.520 --> 0:15:02.400
<v Speaker 1>And he's like, and that's nothing against you, He's like,

0:15:02.440 --> 0:15:06.320
<v Speaker 1>it's just it is impossible to put anyone first because

0:15:06.360 --> 0:15:10.000
<v Speaker 1>they don't have the capacity. They physically do not have time,

0:15:10.280 --> 0:15:14.160
<v Speaker 1>they're not in one location, constantly exhausted because it's constantly traveling,

0:15:14.200 --> 0:15:16.360
<v Speaker 1>always on their own. And then when they're not playing,

0:15:16.480 --> 0:15:19.000
<v Speaker 1>their training, When they're not training or playing, they're doing physio,

0:15:19.080 --> 0:15:22.000
<v Speaker 1>they're doing rehab. At the start, I didn't understand. I

0:15:22.040 --> 0:15:23.560
<v Speaker 1>was like, how could you say that? Like, how could

0:15:23.560 --> 0:15:25.200
<v Speaker 1>you say you love me so much but not be first.

0:15:25.240 --> 0:15:27.560
<v Speaker 1>Then I've experienced their life and I'm like, I get it,

0:15:28.040 --> 0:15:29.920
<v Speaker 1>And there's so many I met a lot of other

0:15:29.960 --> 0:15:32.240
<v Speaker 1>people traveling with the tennis players, a lot of other women,

0:15:32.720 --> 0:15:35.800
<v Speaker 1>a lot of men too. Like Ash Barty's fiance, he

0:15:35.840 --> 0:15:37.640
<v Speaker 1>travels a lot. He has to go with her all

0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:39.760
<v Speaker 1>the time to be able to have any sort of

0:15:39.840 --> 0:15:42.040
<v Speaker 1>relationship with them, And they all say the same thing.

0:15:42.040 --> 0:15:44.040
<v Speaker 1>They're like, oh yeah, like you won't be first, Like

0:15:44.360 --> 0:15:46.120
<v Speaker 1>you've just got to accept that. For a little while,

0:15:46.320 --> 0:15:48.280
<v Speaker 1>Ash just turned around and was like, you know what, fuck, Like,

0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:50.640
<v Speaker 1>I'm engaged now and I do want to put someone

0:15:50.680 --> 0:15:53.000
<v Speaker 1>else first. I'm sick of me having this selfish life.

0:15:53.240 --> 0:15:54.920
<v Speaker 2>What Ash did come out and say, and I think

0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:56.680
<v Speaker 2>this is really powerful in itself. She said, there was

0:15:56.680 --> 0:15:58.880
<v Speaker 2>a perspective shift in me. This second phase of my

0:15:58.920 --> 0:16:02.400
<v Speaker 2>career that might happy wasn't dependent on the results. Success

0:16:02.400 --> 0:16:05.080
<v Speaker 2>for me is knowing that I've given absolutely everything I can.

0:16:05.400 --> 0:16:08.080
<v Speaker 2>I am fulfilled, I am happy. And she just wants

0:16:08.120 --> 0:16:11.120
<v Speaker 2>to take this next opportunity to focus on herself rather

0:16:11.160 --> 0:16:14.120
<v Speaker 2>than on her career. And I think, like coming off

0:16:14.120 --> 0:16:17.120
<v Speaker 2>the back of everything that happened with Kim Kardashian two

0:16:17.120 --> 0:16:19.160
<v Speaker 2>weeks ago, where she was like, people just don't want

0:16:19.160 --> 0:16:22.680
<v Speaker 2>to work these days and really pushing and subscribing to

0:16:22.720 --> 0:16:25.800
<v Speaker 2>this like very toxic, fucking hustle culture, I think it's

0:16:25.800 --> 0:16:28.600
<v Speaker 2>so refreshing to see somebody as successful and as young

0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:31.440
<v Speaker 2>as Ash Barty not subscribing to what we've been told

0:16:31.440 --> 0:16:33.920
<v Speaker 2>that you know, is the only way to be successful.

0:16:34.480 --> 0:16:36.360
<v Speaker 1>Well, yeah, she said, Now, I think it's important that

0:16:36.400 --> 0:16:38.320
<v Speaker 1>I get to enjoy the next phase of my life

0:16:38.360 --> 0:16:42.600
<v Speaker 1>as Ash Barty the person, not Ash Barty the athlete,

0:16:42.680 --> 0:16:45.040
<v Speaker 1>which it gives me goosebumps to think about, because they're

0:16:45.040 --> 0:16:48.360
<v Speaker 1>two different people, like you lose any semblance of yourself,

0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:50.120
<v Speaker 1>And I think a lot of the world forgets that

0:16:50.160 --> 0:16:53.480
<v Speaker 1>these players, Ash in particular, they've been playing since they

0:16:53.560 --> 0:16:57.320
<v Speaker 1>were teenagers. Ash has been playing since she was fourteen,

0:16:57.560 --> 0:17:00.880
<v Speaker 1>so she actually took a break. Imagine this, at eighteen,

0:17:01.240 --> 0:17:03.800
<v Speaker 1>she took a break from tennis because she was like,

0:17:03.840 --> 0:17:05.800
<v Speaker 1>I'm stepping back from it. She went to play cricket

0:17:05.840 --> 0:17:07.560
<v Speaker 1>like she's an absolute animal. She's just want of these

0:17:07.560 --> 0:17:10.080
<v Speaker 1>people as good everything. But at only eighteen, she's like,

0:17:10.119 --> 0:17:11.920
<v Speaker 1>I want to have a life as a teenager because

0:17:11.920 --> 0:17:13.800
<v Speaker 1>I haven't had it. So I think, while we're like, oh,

0:17:13.800 --> 0:17:15.800
<v Speaker 1>she's only twenty five, we have to remember they've been

0:17:15.800 --> 0:17:19.119
<v Speaker 1>doing it their entire life. There's no normalcy. I remember

0:17:19.160 --> 0:17:22.359
<v Speaker 1>even Jordan's saying to me, I wish because he's been

0:17:22.400 --> 0:17:24.240
<v Speaker 1>playing since a teenager. Two. He's like, I would give

0:17:24.320 --> 0:17:26.920
<v Speaker 1>nothing more than to have some time at home where

0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:28.920
<v Speaker 1>I can just join a sports team. I can play

0:17:28.920 --> 0:17:30.840
<v Speaker 1>touch football with my friends. I could go and play

0:17:30.840 --> 0:17:34.000
<v Speaker 1>trivia on a weekend with my friends, the littlest things

0:17:34.000 --> 0:17:35.679
<v Speaker 1>that we all take for granted. These people are on

0:17:35.720 --> 0:17:38.560
<v Speaker 1>the road every single day of the year. So to

0:17:38.640 --> 0:17:41.080
<v Speaker 1>Ash Party, I can't wait to see what she does next.

0:17:41.160 --> 0:17:43.480
<v Speaker 1>She did say she's like left a little hint. She's like,

0:17:43.480 --> 0:17:46.639
<v Speaker 1>I have other dreams that I want to pursue. I

0:17:46.760 --> 0:17:49.199
<v Speaker 1>think this is what I'm putting my two cents in.

0:17:49.320 --> 0:17:50.960
<v Speaker 1>I think we're going to see Ash going to the

0:17:50.960 --> 0:17:52.680
<v Speaker 1>golf world. That's what I'm going to call I think

0:17:52.680 --> 0:17:54.240
<v Speaker 1>she's going to go stop playing. I love that you're

0:17:54.280 --> 0:17:56.200
<v Speaker 1>taking bets now, I am she's got. I think she's

0:17:56.200 --> 0:17:58.720
<v Speaker 1>gonna play golf. I think she's really genuinely I'm calling

0:17:58.760 --> 0:18:00.000
<v Speaker 1>it now, I'm putting it out here. I think she's

0:18:00.000 --> 0:18:01.600
<v Speaker 1>and I think she's going to be bloody brilliant at

0:18:01.600 --> 0:18:01.840
<v Speaker 1>it too.

0:18:02.160 --> 0:18:04.359
<v Speaker 2>Beyond and separate to Ash Barty, I think that this

0:18:04.440 --> 0:18:06.600
<v Speaker 2>is just a really incredible message that we can all

0:18:06.680 --> 0:18:08.280
<v Speaker 2>take a little bit from, and that is, you know,

0:18:08.840 --> 0:18:11.760
<v Speaker 2>being able to put yourself first is something that's incredibly

0:18:11.800 --> 0:18:15.600
<v Speaker 2>important and reflecting on why we've subscribe to working so hard.

0:18:15.720 --> 0:18:18.359
<v Speaker 2>We literally just did an episode on the Overwhelm, and

0:18:18.400 --> 0:18:20.600
<v Speaker 2>I just think it's so nice to have these incredible

0:18:20.680 --> 0:18:23.160
<v Speaker 2>role models to show us that there is another fucking

0:18:23.200 --> 0:18:25.800
<v Speaker 2>way of living. We don't have to keep on kicking

0:18:25.880 --> 0:18:28.119
<v Speaker 2>goals and climbing the ladder and if it's not what

0:18:28.240 --> 0:18:30.760
<v Speaker 2>makes you inherently happy at the end of the day, we.

0:18:30.720 --> 0:18:33.719
<v Speaker 1>Do need to definitely acknowledge that Ash is in a position,

0:18:33.720 --> 0:18:35.600
<v Speaker 1>a very privileged position, where she's made a lot of money,

0:18:35.680 --> 0:18:37.320
<v Speaker 1>so it is easy for her to walk away and

0:18:37.359 --> 0:18:39.720
<v Speaker 1>stop grinding. Not everyone is in that position, so you know,

0:18:39.800 --> 0:18:41.280
<v Speaker 1>we're not going to say, oh, you're working too hard.

0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:43.840
<v Speaker 1>Everyone quit. She's made millions and millions of dollars, so

0:18:43.920 --> 0:18:46.440
<v Speaker 1>good for her. She is in a position to do it. Secondly,

0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:48.880
<v Speaker 1>I don't think we've seen the end of Ash. She's

0:18:48.920 --> 0:18:50.960
<v Speaker 1>only twenty five. There is no reason she can't take

0:18:51.000 --> 0:18:53.400
<v Speaker 1>five years off, comeback, and she'll probably still go back

0:18:53.400 --> 0:18:54.760
<v Speaker 1>to number one. So I don't think we've seen the

0:18:54.840 --> 0:18:56.679
<v Speaker 1>end of our good luck, Ash Barty. I think you're

0:18:56.680 --> 0:18:59.720
<v Speaker 1>a fucking legend. Hats off. You're very inspirational to everyone

0:18:59.760 --> 0:19:03.440
<v Speaker 1>that watched your over the last five, seven, ten years. Anyhow,

0:19:03.520 --> 0:19:07.280
<v Speaker 1>we're moving into the next section, which is accidentally Unfiltered,

0:19:07.320 --> 0:19:10.000
<v Speaker 1>but we do want to keep this little intro short.

0:19:10.000 --> 0:19:11.440
<v Speaker 1>I feel like we've already spoken for too longer. We

0:19:11.520 --> 0:19:13.760
<v Speaker 1>got very passionate about the hustle culture. We want to

0:19:13.800 --> 0:19:15.560
<v Speaker 1>keep it short because we've got such a great episode

0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:18.560
<v Speaker 1>with Mark coming up. But I actually wanted to bring

0:19:18.600 --> 0:19:21.000
<v Speaker 1>you an accidentally unfiltered that happened to a friend of

0:19:21.000 --> 0:19:21.640
<v Speaker 1>mine this week.

0:19:21.840 --> 0:19:24.159
<v Speaker 2>Okay, But before we get into actually unfiltered, can I

0:19:24.200 --> 0:19:27.200
<v Speaker 2>just say I am not bringing an accidentally unfiltered this week.

0:19:27.240 --> 0:19:31.440
<v Speaker 2>I trolled through the dms. None of them were that embarrassing.

0:19:31.760 --> 0:19:35.040
<v Speaker 2>You guys, I know you think it's embarrassing. But on

0:19:35.040 --> 0:19:37.240
<v Speaker 2>one hand, I'm like very happy for everyone that nothing

0:19:37.480 --> 0:19:39.640
<v Speaker 2>too traumatic or tumultuous happened this week.

0:19:39.680 --> 0:19:42.240
<v Speaker 1>And on the other hand, you all had a great week.

0:19:42.720 --> 0:19:44.159
<v Speaker 1>You all had a fucking great week. And on the

0:19:44.200 --> 0:19:46.560
<v Speaker 1>other hand, I'm really sad for us, because, like you know,

0:19:46.880 --> 0:19:49.000
<v Speaker 1>I want I want the top shelf of embarrassment. If

0:19:49.000 --> 0:19:51.080
<v Speaker 1>we're gonna do accidentally unfilters, I want it to be

0:19:51.200 --> 0:19:53.280
<v Speaker 1>like the moment where you had to crawl into a

0:19:53.280 --> 0:19:55.480
<v Speaker 1>hole and never wanted to come out totally. So this

0:19:55.600 --> 0:19:57.600
<v Speaker 1>is why, thanks to my lucky stars that I had

0:19:57.600 --> 0:20:00.600
<v Speaker 1>a friend this week that absolutely annihilated her and gave

0:20:00.640 --> 0:20:03.119
<v Speaker 1>me some content to tell as an accidentally unfiltered. I

0:20:03.119 --> 0:20:08.000
<v Speaker 1>have a friend and she is absolutely petrified of spiders,

0:20:08.240 --> 0:20:13.040
<v Speaker 1>like she cannot contain herself. She lives alone. I laugh

0:20:13.160 --> 0:20:15.840
<v Speaker 1>thinking about it. She lives alone, and as you know,

0:20:15.880 --> 0:20:16.720
<v Speaker 1>there are things you have to do.

0:20:16.760 --> 0:20:17.119
<v Speaker 3>We all know.

0:20:17.160 --> 0:20:19.080
<v Speaker 1>I had to pick up a possum from my backyard

0:20:19.160 --> 0:20:21.159
<v Speaker 1>that was dead. It was traumatic. There's things you have

0:20:21.200 --> 0:20:22.800
<v Speaker 1>to do when you live alone because there's physically no

0:20:22.840 --> 0:20:25.360
<v Speaker 1>one else is going to help you. So she comes

0:20:25.440 --> 0:20:29.679
<v Speaker 1>into her bedroom and there is a huge and like,

0:20:29.800 --> 0:20:32.360
<v Speaker 1>I haven't seen a photo, but this is her report.

0:20:32.520 --> 0:20:35.680
<v Speaker 1>A huge spider. She reckons it was like the sides

0:20:35.680 --> 0:20:37.320
<v Speaker 1>of the dinner plate. Obviously she's exaggeram.

0:20:37.440 --> 0:20:39.960
<v Speaker 2>I feel like if you're afraid of spiders, your your

0:20:39.960 --> 0:20:42.359
<v Speaker 2>propensity to exaggerate the situation is probably a little bit

0:20:42.400 --> 0:20:43.120
<v Speaker 2>higher than most.

0:20:43.480 --> 0:20:47.280
<v Speaker 1>Totally, She's like, it was a sidesman anaconda. Anyway, we

0:20:47.320 --> 0:20:49.080
<v Speaker 1>know that, you know, it's like a big huntsman. And

0:20:49.119 --> 0:20:52.240
<v Speaker 1>it was above her bed, so she couldn't get into bed.

0:20:52.320 --> 0:20:54.720
<v Speaker 1>You know that you are never going to sleep. There's

0:20:54.720 --> 0:20:57.080
<v Speaker 1>nothing you can do. So she's like, far out, you know,

0:20:57.160 --> 0:20:59.480
<v Speaker 1>I've prepared for this moment. So she went to get

0:21:00.280 --> 0:21:03.560
<v Speaker 1>the spray, the spider bug spray, because she can't bring

0:21:03.560 --> 0:21:06.040
<v Speaker 1>herself to capture it, and she can't bring herself to

0:21:06.080 --> 0:21:08.040
<v Speaker 1>hit her with a shoe. So she gets the bug spray.

0:21:08.280 --> 0:21:10.160
<v Speaker 1>She comes in and she's she can't you know, when

0:21:10.200 --> 0:21:12.000
<v Speaker 1>you can't even bring yourself because you don't want to

0:21:12.080 --> 0:21:13.400
<v Speaker 1>kill an animal. But you know when you can't even

0:21:13.400 --> 0:21:14.919
<v Speaker 1>bring yourself to do it, because you know when you

0:21:14.960 --> 0:21:16.719
<v Speaker 1>spray it, it's gonna run. You don't know where it's

0:21:16.720 --> 0:21:18.159
<v Speaker 1>going to go. You think it's gonna jump on you.

0:21:18.640 --> 0:21:21.880
<v Speaker 1>So she's like amping herself up. It's scuttling around. She's frantic,

0:21:21.920 --> 0:21:25.120
<v Speaker 1>she's screaming. Then it starts to make a run for her,

0:21:25.320 --> 0:21:29.600
<v Speaker 1>so she thinks, so she frantically spray. She frantically sprayed

0:21:29.640 --> 0:21:33.080
<v Speaker 1>the bug spray super aggressively to get it, but she

0:21:33.200 --> 0:21:41.040
<v Speaker 1>sprayed it backwards into her own eyes. I shouldn't laugh,

0:21:41.200 --> 0:21:43.280
<v Speaker 1>so she can't. It's all over her face. She can't

0:21:43.320 --> 0:21:46.480
<v Speaker 1>see now, she's screaming. She can't see the spider, so

0:21:46.520 --> 0:21:49.000
<v Speaker 1>she's she's like all over the place. She drops the bugspray.

0:21:49.040 --> 0:21:50.920
<v Speaker 1>She makes herself to the bathroom. She's washing her face,

0:21:50.960 --> 0:21:55.119
<v Speaker 1>splashing her eyes, frantic, she runs back, still can't see properly.

0:21:55.160 --> 0:21:58.480
<v Speaker 1>She runs back to the bedroom and the spider is gone.

0:21:58.640 --> 0:22:01.360
<v Speaker 1>So she not because she's not. She's got this bugspray

0:22:01.400 --> 0:22:03.800
<v Speaker 1>all over her face. But this huntsman now is either

0:22:03.880 --> 0:22:06.000
<v Speaker 1>in her bed, in her pillow, under her bed, in

0:22:06.040 --> 0:22:07.919
<v Speaker 1>her clothes and she can't find it. That's it. So

0:22:07.920 --> 0:22:10.800
<v Speaker 1>she hasn't slept in like five days. She's she'd bought

0:22:10.840 --> 0:22:12.960
<v Speaker 1>the house, Downd, she's moved out. Fuck it. Do you know?

0:22:13.080 --> 0:22:16.800
<v Speaker 2>Do you remember when I had the infestation I had? Guys,

0:22:16.800 --> 0:22:17.920
<v Speaker 2>I don't know if you if you don't follow me

0:22:17.960 --> 0:22:20.720
<v Speaker 2>on Instagram, you might not know this I had in

0:22:20.760 --> 0:22:23.159
<v Speaker 2>my old apartment which is now Britney's apartment. I had

0:22:23.200 --> 0:22:26.480
<v Speaker 2>it just quite so messed up, a Huntsman infestation. I'm

0:22:26.520 --> 0:22:31.240
<v Speaker 2>talking like thirty humongous fucking spiders just crawling through the

0:22:31.280 --> 0:22:34.639
<v Speaker 2>house behind the TV and apparently like a nest of

0:22:34.720 --> 0:22:35.560
<v Speaker 2>eggs had.

0:22:35.400 --> 0:22:37.960
<v Speaker 1>Obviously hatched, and they were just all over the house.

0:22:38.119 --> 0:22:40.280
<v Speaker 2>There was Huntsmens everywhere, and I'm talking thirty that I

0:22:40.320 --> 0:22:42.679
<v Speaker 2>could see, not just the ones that were like in

0:22:42.720 --> 0:22:44.680
<v Speaker 2>the walls or behind fridges or in cupboards and stuff.

0:22:44.680 --> 0:22:46.399
<v Speaker 2>So you have to have an exterminator to come and

0:22:46.400 --> 0:22:47.200
<v Speaker 2>get rid of them.

0:22:47.359 --> 0:22:49.960
<v Speaker 1>Hypothetically speaking like if someone else was living in your

0:22:50.000 --> 0:22:53.280
<v Speaker 1>apartment now and their name was Brittany Hockley and their

0:22:53.320 --> 0:22:55.239
<v Speaker 1>name was brittany where did these come from? And what

0:22:55.280 --> 0:22:56.720
<v Speaker 1>can you do to stop this? Like Was this a

0:22:56.800 --> 0:22:58.800
<v Speaker 1>random one off thing or is there like are they

0:22:58.800 --> 0:22:59.520
<v Speaker 1>in the walls?

0:22:59.800 --> 0:23:02.080
<v Speaker 2>I mean, I would definitely I'd like that we're having

0:23:02.080 --> 0:23:04.000
<v Speaker 2>this conversation right now, but I would definitely suggest that

0:23:04.040 --> 0:23:05.800
<v Speaker 2>you get your place fumigated yearly.

0:23:06.040 --> 0:23:11.320
<v Speaker 1>That's my high recommendation to you. Pretty only looking pest fumigation. Anyway,

0:23:11.359 --> 0:23:14.320
<v Speaker 1>on that, guys, let's get into the chat with Mark.

0:23:15.960 --> 0:23:20.679
<v Speaker 1>I'm so excited about today's chat. We have speaker, writer, podcaster,

0:23:21.000 --> 0:23:25.399
<v Speaker 1>motivational speaker, just an all around great human and most importantly,

0:23:25.640 --> 0:23:30.199
<v Speaker 1>a human connection specialist. Now you might be familiar with

0:23:30.359 --> 0:23:34.200
<v Speaker 1>Mark Groves. If you aren't, he has a wildly successful

0:23:34.240 --> 0:23:36.760
<v Speaker 1>Instagram page with over a million followers. It's a page

0:23:36.800 --> 0:23:39.400
<v Speaker 1>that I have actually been following well, Mark, Like, I'm

0:23:39.440 --> 0:23:40.919
<v Speaker 1>just going to show you how uncle I am. I

0:23:40.960 --> 0:23:42.920
<v Speaker 1>feel like I've been following you from the beginning, and

0:23:42.960 --> 0:23:44.879
<v Speaker 1>I think I used to respond to a lot of

0:23:44.920 --> 0:23:47.720
<v Speaker 1>your like story posts. I used to be like super fan,

0:23:47.800 --> 0:23:51.680
<v Speaker 1>but I don't think you ever responded back. She slid

0:23:51.720 --> 0:23:55.879
<v Speaker 1>into the DMO slider. I'm a good dm slider, but no,

0:23:56.119 --> 0:23:58.520
<v Speaker 1>Mark Graves. Your Instagram pages create the love. I'm so

0:23:58.600 --> 0:24:01.960
<v Speaker 1>excited to welcome you to it's a Life on Cut podcast.

0:24:02.320 --> 0:24:04.439
<v Speaker 4>Oh, I'm so excited to be here, and you know,

0:24:04.560 --> 0:24:06.960
<v Speaker 4>I'm sad to hear that I've dropped out of your

0:24:07.119 --> 0:24:09.840
<v Speaker 4>story reply at level, but you.

0:24:09.880 --> 0:24:11.920
<v Speaker 1>Got too big and famous. You left me for dust.

0:24:13.400 --> 0:24:15.240
<v Speaker 2>But we are so We were so excited to have

0:24:15.280 --> 0:24:17.560
<v Speaker 2>you on the podcast today. We've been looking forward to

0:24:17.560 --> 0:24:18.640
<v Speaker 2>this interview.

0:24:18.240 --> 0:24:19.040
<v Speaker 1>For so long.

0:24:19.200 --> 0:24:21.639
<v Speaker 2>And one thing I'm very much looking forward to is

0:24:21.640 --> 0:24:23.679
<v Speaker 2>that we start every single one of our episodes the

0:24:23.720 --> 0:24:26.640
<v Speaker 2>same way. We want to know what your most embarrassing

0:24:26.800 --> 0:24:28.840
<v Speaker 2>story is before we get into all the other deep

0:24:28.880 --> 0:24:30.160
<v Speaker 2>dark secrets you have to share.

0:24:30.480 --> 0:24:32.840
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, let's share it. That kind of speaks to my

0:24:32.880 --> 0:24:35.639
<v Speaker 4>embarrassing story I had to choose because I have like

0:24:35.800 --> 0:24:40.760
<v Speaker 4>two embarrassing poop stories I had to choose. Neither of

0:24:40.800 --> 0:24:43.560
<v Speaker 4>them is like worse than the other from an embarrassment,

0:24:43.560 --> 0:24:46.800
<v Speaker 4>They're just equally bad. So I was in school. I

0:24:46.840 --> 0:24:49.399
<v Speaker 4>remember going to school. My mom made us go to

0:24:49.480 --> 0:24:51.800
<v Speaker 4>school pretty much no matter what, like if there was

0:24:51.840 --> 0:24:55.080
<v Speaker 4>a snowstorm. We lived like a couple kilometers from school,

0:24:55.080 --> 0:24:56.960
<v Speaker 4>so my mom would drive us. No one else was

0:24:57.000 --> 0:25:01.400
<v Speaker 4>at the fucking school except for us, because the teachers

0:25:01.400 --> 0:25:03.480
<v Speaker 4>are like these fucking kids. Can they just go home?

0:25:04.160 --> 0:25:06.320
<v Speaker 4>My mom rings I was sick that day. My mom

0:25:06.320 --> 0:25:08.720
<v Speaker 4>brings Penis school. We already know where this is probably going.

0:25:08.880 --> 0:25:11.159
<v Speaker 4>And I had one of those moments where you're like

0:25:11.200 --> 0:25:14.000
<v Speaker 4>scared to fart, like that stage. And I should have

0:25:14.040 --> 0:25:18.320
<v Speaker 4>been more terrified. We all know that that stage, and

0:25:18.800 --> 0:25:22.760
<v Speaker 4>I had too much courage. I braved it, and I

0:25:22.840 --> 0:25:28.159
<v Speaker 4>basically diarrhea in my pants. The worst part about it

0:25:28.200 --> 0:25:31.560
<v Speaker 4>is I actually couldn't go home, so I remember went

0:25:31.640 --> 0:25:34.399
<v Speaker 4>to the bathroom and like clean you know, did the cleanliness?

0:25:34.440 --> 0:25:36.400
<v Speaker 4>I think I threw I must have thrown out the hunter.

0:25:36.520 --> 0:25:40.199
<v Speaker 4>I don't even know anymore. I must have. I for

0:25:40.280 --> 0:25:42.920
<v Speaker 4>the version of this story, I definitely did. And then

0:25:43.400 --> 0:25:47.240
<v Speaker 4>the rest of the day I spent with my jem

0:25:47.760 --> 0:25:50.720
<v Speaker 4>winter jacket tied around my waist, Like who walks around

0:25:50.880 --> 0:25:52.960
<v Speaker 4>with a puffy jacket tied around their waist?

0:25:53.119 --> 0:25:55.800
<v Speaker 1>Why didn't they just send you hard? He probably didn't

0:25:55.800 --> 0:25:57.240
<v Speaker 1>tell anyone he shot his pants.

0:25:57.400 --> 0:26:00.520
<v Speaker 4>No one knew it, but I know it's would have

0:26:00.520 --> 0:26:02.679
<v Speaker 4>been someone who would have been like pointing out my

0:26:02.960 --> 0:26:07.080
<v Speaker 4>poopy butt. But it was embarrassing because I the whole

0:26:07.200 --> 0:26:11.160
<v Speaker 4>day I was just terrified, and I also because junior high,

0:26:11.320 --> 0:26:14.600
<v Speaker 4>you know, kids are assholes at that age, so I

0:26:14.640 --> 0:26:17.719
<v Speaker 4>was like terrified of someone seeing it because you know,

0:26:17.800 --> 0:26:19.640
<v Speaker 4>then it gets weaponized against.

0:26:19.359 --> 0:26:21.080
<v Speaker 1>You, Yeah, for the rest of your life. So why

0:26:21.119 --> 0:26:23.320
<v Speaker 1>not just tell it on a national podcast? What age

0:26:23.359 --> 0:26:26.199
<v Speaker 1>is junior high for us down under people that don't know,

0:26:26.320 --> 0:26:27.880
<v Speaker 1>is that like twelve thirteen?

0:26:28.359 --> 0:26:31.800
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, it's like that grade sevent eight known, that's it.

0:26:32.000 --> 0:26:34.600
<v Speaker 1>Right, Because I pooped myself when I was like seven

0:26:34.680 --> 0:26:35.960
<v Speaker 1>years old. I was going to try and make you

0:26:36.000 --> 0:26:37.800
<v Speaker 1>feel better, but you were in high school, so it's

0:26:37.880 --> 0:26:38.520
<v Speaker 1>not a whole.

0:26:38.359 --> 0:26:41.560
<v Speaker 4>Different I was an adult and you were still a child.

0:26:41.960 --> 0:26:42.439
<v Speaker 1>I like that.

0:26:42.480 --> 0:26:44.720
<v Speaker 2>There is absolutely no like, there's no repercussions for this,

0:26:44.840 --> 0:26:47.120
<v Speaker 2>Like nothing bad happened. But it's one of those real

0:26:47.200 --> 0:26:51.200
<v Speaker 2>formative memories because the deep seated embarrassment that was internalized

0:26:51.200 --> 0:26:54.040
<v Speaker 2>by this is still with you as a fully grown man.

0:26:54.520 --> 0:26:56.919
<v Speaker 4>As at one where I did, I was in band,

0:26:57.040 --> 0:26:59.800
<v Speaker 4>so this speaks again to my popularity. In junior high,

0:27:00.040 --> 0:27:02.080
<v Speaker 4>I was in man and I was sitting in the

0:27:02.119 --> 0:27:04.359
<v Speaker 4>back row. I played the trumpet, so you get the

0:27:04.400 --> 0:27:07.920
<v Speaker 4>back row, and I tried to sneak out a fart.

0:27:08.000 --> 0:27:09.720
<v Speaker 4>And it was on a metal chair and it rang

0:27:09.800 --> 0:27:12.399
<v Speaker 4>off like a machine gun.

0:27:12.960 --> 0:27:15.760
<v Speaker 1>And did you just cover it with the trumpet?

0:27:16.640 --> 0:27:19.280
<v Speaker 4>That actually would have worked perfectly if I had just gone.

0:27:19.720 --> 0:27:21.639
<v Speaker 4>You're way smarter than I was at the time, Like,

0:27:21.640 --> 0:27:23.640
<v Speaker 4>why not go and just let it out?

0:27:23.680 --> 0:27:25.720
<v Speaker 1>Like you literally had a trumpet in your hand, but

0:27:25.760 --> 0:27:27.280
<v Speaker 1>you decided to trumpet out your butt.

0:27:27.760 --> 0:27:30.679
<v Speaker 4>Yeah. So they everyone turned around and looked at me,

0:27:31.119 --> 0:27:33.240
<v Speaker 4>and I tried to be like oh, but there was

0:27:33.280 --> 0:27:35.560
<v Speaker 4>no one behind me, so I was doing it anyways.

0:27:35.640 --> 0:27:36.320
<v Speaker 4>That was embarrassing.

0:27:37.160 --> 0:27:38.639
<v Speaker 1>Do you know what the worst thing is? And I

0:27:38.640 --> 0:27:40.680
<v Speaker 1>don't know if this happened to you when you were twelve,

0:27:40.720 --> 0:27:43.080
<v Speaker 1>when you pooped yourself. When I did it, I remember

0:27:43.119 --> 0:27:45.760
<v Speaker 1>because I'm traumatized too. I did it at the school fair.

0:27:45.960 --> 0:27:48.120
<v Speaker 1>I mean not the school fair. It was the fair

0:27:48.160 --> 0:27:50.520
<v Speaker 1>in the local town, like in my local town. And

0:27:50.600 --> 0:27:52.000
<v Speaker 1>I didn't want to get off the rides, and I

0:27:52.040 --> 0:27:53.440
<v Speaker 1>knew I needed to go toilet, but I wasn't ready

0:27:53.440 --> 0:27:55.320
<v Speaker 1>to go off the rides. Anyway, I pushed it to

0:27:55.359 --> 0:27:57.199
<v Speaker 1>the limit and then I had to go, so I

0:27:57.240 --> 0:27:58.640
<v Speaker 1>was like, Mom, I need to go to the toilet.

0:27:59.320 --> 0:28:01.880
<v Speaker 1>The line for the bathroom was one cubicle was so long,

0:28:01.960 --> 0:28:05.919
<v Speaker 1>so I just shit my pants. No. Everyone started to

0:28:05.920 --> 0:28:07.560
<v Speaker 1>look around at me, and I was just trying to

0:28:07.600 --> 0:28:09.440
<v Speaker 1>play it cool and pretend like nothing was happening. And

0:28:09.440 --> 0:28:11.600
<v Speaker 1>then my mum leans down to me. She's like, Britt,

0:28:12.520 --> 0:28:15.080
<v Speaker 1>She's like, you already go to the toilet and I

0:28:15.119 --> 0:28:18.119
<v Speaker 1>was like, no, Mom, She's like, Brit, I can smell it.

0:28:18.200 --> 0:28:20.800
<v Speaker 1>She's like everyone, And then there were about fifteen people

0:28:20.840 --> 0:28:22.280
<v Speaker 1>in front of me, and they all turned around and

0:28:22.320 --> 0:28:23.639
<v Speaker 1>let me push in front of the line. They're like,

0:28:23.720 --> 0:28:25.880
<v Speaker 1>you guys can go ahead. How have we been doing

0:28:25.880 --> 0:28:28.440
<v Speaker 1>this podcast for two and a half years and this

0:28:28.800 --> 0:28:32.000
<v Speaker 1>is the day that you share? That story just reminded

0:28:32.000 --> 0:28:34.119
<v Speaker 1>me because my giveaway was me trying to think I

0:28:34.200 --> 0:28:35.879
<v Speaker 1>was cool with a big turn in my pants. But

0:28:36.280 --> 0:28:38.480
<v Speaker 1>the smell everyone could smell it. That was a giveaway.

0:28:38.480 --> 0:28:39.840
<v Speaker 1>And I was like, I promise, mom.

0:28:39.680 --> 0:28:42.520
<v Speaker 4>I haven't And how would you sit on another ride

0:28:42.640 --> 0:28:44.000
<v Speaker 4>like you would have it?

0:28:44.480 --> 0:28:46.239
<v Speaker 1>The whole family had to go home and they all

0:28:46.320 --> 0:28:48.320
<v Speaker 1>my brothers and sisters hated me because the fair got

0:28:48.320 --> 0:28:54.320
<v Speaker 1>canned earlier. Okay, we should probably get into the question.

0:28:54.680 --> 0:28:56.719
<v Speaker 4>I already feel like we're in the trust tree, so

0:28:56.760 --> 0:28:58.920
<v Speaker 4>this is good. We're in the trust, all right.

0:28:58.960 --> 0:29:01.520
<v Speaker 1>I feel like it's time to get into unpacking some

0:29:01.560 --> 0:29:03.560
<v Speaker 1>of the some of the real questions, the real reason

0:29:03.560 --> 0:29:05.440
<v Speaker 1>why you're here, Mark, what do you mean is? If

0:29:05.440 --> 0:29:07.480
<v Speaker 1>that wasn't a real question, when did he poove himself? Well?

0:29:07.520 --> 0:29:08.200
<v Speaker 1>I want to know.

0:29:08.520 --> 0:29:10.840
<v Speaker 2>You're such a modern day philosopher in how you talk

0:29:10.840 --> 0:29:13.560
<v Speaker 2>about relationships and the advice that you give to people

0:29:13.840 --> 0:29:16.400
<v Speaker 2>who are trying to navigate what can be one of

0:29:16.440 --> 0:29:20.400
<v Speaker 2>the hardest parts of just life, human connection. How did

0:29:20.440 --> 0:29:21.960
<v Speaker 2>you get into doing what you do?

0:29:22.440 --> 0:29:25.240
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, you know, I think like so many people who

0:29:25.440 --> 0:29:28.280
<v Speaker 4>go into work where they're a teacher of any kind,

0:29:28.840 --> 0:29:31.600
<v Speaker 4>and I would imagine it might be similar for you

0:29:31.640 --> 0:29:34.880
<v Speaker 4>both in your choice to create a podcast, that it

0:29:34.960 --> 0:29:38.560
<v Speaker 4>really was that I really started to become the teacher

0:29:38.600 --> 0:29:41.040
<v Speaker 4>that I needed, you know, Like I love the idea

0:29:41.080 --> 0:29:44.480
<v Speaker 4>that you turn your mess into your message, and that

0:29:44.640 --> 0:29:47.360
<v Speaker 4>was my mess. I mean my late teens, I started

0:29:47.360 --> 0:29:50.320
<v Speaker 4>working at a digital like an electronic store for people

0:29:50.320 --> 0:29:52.120
<v Speaker 4>in the States they know like Best Buy, but it

0:29:52.160 --> 0:29:54.320
<v Speaker 4>was called Future Shop. And I wore a I wore

0:29:54.360 --> 0:29:57.760
<v Speaker 4>a suit, and I sold extended warranties. I was that

0:29:57.760 --> 0:29:58.440
<v Speaker 4>that guy.

0:29:58.440 --> 0:30:00.160
<v Speaker 1>You were the guys you want to upgrade for fIF.

0:30:01.040 --> 0:30:03.960
<v Speaker 4>That was exactly it, like your shit's super good, but

0:30:04.080 --> 0:30:06.320
<v Speaker 4>in my break, so you need a warranty for it.

0:30:06.800 --> 0:30:09.760
<v Speaker 4>That I really loved the idea of how do you

0:30:09.800 --> 0:30:13.040
<v Speaker 4>get people to buy something or like change someone's behavior.

0:30:13.560 --> 0:30:17.040
<v Speaker 4>I went in into pharmaceutical sales actually after college, and

0:30:17.080 --> 0:30:19.440
<v Speaker 4>I worked in that industry for a long time. And

0:30:19.520 --> 0:30:22.640
<v Speaker 4>during that time I really wanted to study more and

0:30:22.680 --> 0:30:26.680
<v Speaker 4>more about psychology, but really from the perspective of how

0:30:26.680 --> 0:30:29.200
<v Speaker 4>do you get people to do things, so more from

0:30:29.240 --> 0:30:32.600
<v Speaker 4>a manipulative space, And in my late twenties I had

0:30:32.760 --> 0:30:36.760
<v Speaker 4>an engagement and that was it. That was like I

0:30:36.800 --> 0:30:40.040
<v Speaker 4>spent my whole life. I was raised Catholic. I consider

0:30:40.080 --> 0:30:44.200
<v Speaker 4>myself a recovering Catholic now, and so much of my

0:30:44.280 --> 0:30:46.800
<v Speaker 4>life was spent and I don't think it matters what

0:30:46.840 --> 0:30:51.480
<v Speaker 4>religion you are, but culture, religion, movies, they all embedded

0:30:51.480 --> 0:30:54.320
<v Speaker 4>this idea that I needed to get married by twenty

0:30:54.360 --> 0:30:57.960
<v Speaker 4>five to twenty seven, have kids by somewhere near there

0:30:58.000 --> 0:31:00.560
<v Speaker 4>to thirty, and if you're not doing that, there's something

0:31:00.600 --> 0:31:03.000
<v Speaker 4>sort of wrong with you. And so here I was

0:31:03.160 --> 0:31:07.160
<v Speaker 4>right on time. Twenty seven got engaged, and it was

0:31:07.360 --> 0:31:10.880
<v Speaker 4>this massive moment where I remember proposing and then this

0:31:10.960 --> 0:31:14.200
<v Speaker 4>realization of sometimes you meet a moment that you were

0:31:14.240 --> 0:31:16.840
<v Speaker 4>taught to want and then you realize you don't want it,

0:31:17.480 --> 0:31:20.479
<v Speaker 4>And that was really big for me. I didn't know

0:31:20.560 --> 0:31:23.000
<v Speaker 4>at the time that that's what was going on, but

0:31:23.080 --> 0:31:27.080
<v Speaker 4>that actually was the birthplace of me starting to think

0:31:27.160 --> 0:31:29.960
<v Speaker 4>about like, how did I get here? Is this the

0:31:30.040 --> 0:31:32.680
<v Speaker 4>right choice for me? Why am I so terrified? And

0:31:32.720 --> 0:31:34.719
<v Speaker 4>then when I talk to people about it, they would say, oh,

0:31:34.720 --> 0:31:38.880
<v Speaker 4>you're just afraid of commitment. Like this idea that one

0:31:38.920 --> 0:31:43.640
<v Speaker 4>should go terrified towards getting married. Don't get me wrong,

0:31:43.840 --> 0:31:47.600
<v Speaker 4>we should fear would be normal because it's uncertain. But

0:31:47.760 --> 0:31:51.120
<v Speaker 4>to have a high level of anxiety is not really

0:31:51.120 --> 0:31:54.240
<v Speaker 4>a great indicator, you know, anxiety being so indicative of

0:31:54.360 --> 0:31:57.000
<v Speaker 4>creating a future that we might not want, or being

0:31:57.000 --> 0:31:59.680
<v Speaker 4>afraid of a future we might not want. And so

0:31:59.720 --> 0:32:02.680
<v Speaker 4>that made me really start to question relationships. And another way,

0:32:02.720 --> 0:32:05.160
<v Speaker 4>I started to look up things on the internet, like

0:32:05.800 --> 0:32:08.840
<v Speaker 4>how do you know if she's the one. That led

0:32:08.880 --> 0:32:13.400
<v Speaker 4>me to some really beautiful strangers who had navigated these things,

0:32:13.480 --> 0:32:16.160
<v Speaker 4>and I wrote on a forum about my circumstances, and

0:32:16.760 --> 0:32:20.000
<v Speaker 4>this woman replied to me and asked me three questions.

0:32:20.240 --> 0:32:23.000
<v Speaker 4>She asked me, if she left you tomorrow, would you

0:32:23.040 --> 0:32:27.000
<v Speaker 4>be okay? And I thought, not only would I be okay,

0:32:27.000 --> 0:32:30.280
<v Speaker 4>I'd feel relieved that I didn't have to do it. Yeah.

0:32:30.720 --> 0:32:33.520
<v Speaker 4>And then the second question was can you imagine what

0:32:33.560 --> 0:32:35.640
<v Speaker 4>it would be like waiting for her at the altar

0:32:35.880 --> 0:32:38.920
<v Speaker 4>whatever your altar is? And I thought that made me

0:32:38.960 --> 0:32:43.120
<v Speaker 4>feel anxious and scared. And the third question was could

0:32:43.200 --> 0:32:46.239
<v Speaker 4>someone else love her better? And that was such an

0:32:46.280 --> 0:32:48.680
<v Speaker 4>important question because that was the first time I really

0:32:48.720 --> 0:32:51.840
<v Speaker 4>thought about it from her experience. I'd been so caught

0:32:51.920 --> 0:32:55.160
<v Speaker 4>up in my own fears and just overwhelmed that I

0:32:55.240 --> 0:32:57.680
<v Speaker 4>never really realized I was taking her down a path

0:32:58.000 --> 0:33:00.440
<v Speaker 4>and she was worthy of so much more. And of

0:33:00.480 --> 0:33:02.800
<v Speaker 4>course the follow up question to that is do you

0:33:02.840 --> 0:33:04.880
<v Speaker 4>want to be the one who can't? And I didn't

0:33:05.200 --> 0:33:07.720
<v Speaker 4>and I didn't know why, But that was when I

0:33:07.840 --> 0:33:11.280
<v Speaker 4>ended the engagement, and that was the birthplace of wondering

0:33:12.240 --> 0:33:14.240
<v Speaker 4>why do I do what I do? Why am I

0:33:14.280 --> 0:33:17.280
<v Speaker 4>so good at talking about everything but my feelings, like,

0:33:17.320 --> 0:33:21.959
<v Speaker 4>there's it's not skills, there's something more. And that was,

0:33:22.120 --> 0:33:24.480
<v Speaker 4>you know, sixteen years ago when went back to school

0:33:24.560 --> 0:33:27.920
<v Speaker 4>studied positive psychology, and I just immersed myself in the

0:33:28.000 --> 0:33:30.960
<v Speaker 4>science of relationships. And then of course that brought me

0:33:31.080 --> 0:33:34.720
<v Speaker 4>back to healing a relationship with whatever might be greater

0:33:34.800 --> 0:33:36.560
<v Speaker 4>than us, because I really had an aversion to the

0:33:36.560 --> 0:33:41.160
<v Speaker 4>word God, just due to Catholicism and so to spiritual

0:33:41.200 --> 0:33:46.040
<v Speaker 4>connectedness and how relationships really are this sacred space where

0:33:46.040 --> 0:33:49.480
<v Speaker 4>we can do healing, we can do courageous things, and

0:33:49.600 --> 0:33:51.880
<v Speaker 4>I think there's no better container for learning, if.

0:33:51.760 --> 0:33:54.600
<v Speaker 2>You don't mind me asking how did you navigate the

0:33:54.640 --> 0:33:57.520
<v Speaker 2>breakup of that relationship at the time, because I think

0:33:57.560 --> 0:34:00.280
<v Speaker 2>that there's a lot of and I know that even

0:34:00.280 --> 0:34:03.040
<v Speaker 2>in myself, I have stayed in relationships for so long

0:34:03.120 --> 0:34:06.880
<v Speaker 2>past an expiration date because the actual physical doing the

0:34:06.880 --> 0:34:09.759
<v Speaker 2>breakup was harder than just being there and just kind

0:34:09.760 --> 0:34:11.120
<v Speaker 2>of coasting along for a while.

0:34:11.520 --> 0:34:13.120
<v Speaker 1>How did you physically.

0:34:12.840 --> 0:34:14.640
<v Speaker 2>Make that step when you're already at a point where

0:34:14.640 --> 0:34:16.279
<v Speaker 2>you were supposed to be planning a wedding.

0:34:16.360 --> 0:34:19.719
<v Speaker 4>Oh man, like even the planning of the wedding. It

0:34:19.840 --> 0:34:23.480
<v Speaker 4>was interesting because I had in the acknowledgment of what

0:34:23.640 --> 0:34:27.080
<v Speaker 4>was finally true, like just actually meeting it and accepting it.

0:34:27.520 --> 0:34:30.719
<v Speaker 4>I no longer could carry the lie like I could

0:34:30.760 --> 0:34:34.799
<v Speaker 4>no longer allow myself. I think because of the perspective

0:34:34.800 --> 0:34:37.799
<v Speaker 4>that I was also car bringing her along, and so

0:34:37.880 --> 0:34:42.920
<v Speaker 4>that sense of responsibility that I had to not trick

0:34:42.960 --> 0:34:45.120
<v Speaker 4>her or keep her in the space was really a

0:34:45.239 --> 0:34:47.920
<v Speaker 4>motivator for me. I mean, one of the hardest conversations

0:34:47.920 --> 0:34:49.520
<v Speaker 4>I've ever had to have in my life. You know,

0:34:49.600 --> 0:34:52.560
<v Speaker 4>you sit down and say this isn't working. After three

0:34:52.600 --> 0:34:55.080
<v Speaker 4>months after you got engaged. I mean we both sold

0:34:55.080 --> 0:34:57.440
<v Speaker 4>our houses and bought a house together. I mean, there

0:34:57.520 --> 0:34:59.840
<v Speaker 4>was so much to undo, and it really made me

0:35:00.080 --> 0:35:04.440
<v Speaker 4>see that the price of inconvenience is so much less

0:35:04.560 --> 0:35:06.000
<v Speaker 4>than the price of misalignment.

0:35:06.200 --> 0:35:09.920
<v Speaker 1>I think we underestimate the pressure, the societal pressures what

0:35:10.000 --> 0:35:12.680
<v Speaker 1>a lot of people, as well as not wanting to

0:35:12.719 --> 0:35:15.200
<v Speaker 1>hurt your partner or go through a heartbreak, because I

0:35:15.200 --> 0:35:17.120
<v Speaker 1>think it's sometimes harder to be the person breaking up

0:35:17.120 --> 0:35:20.560
<v Speaker 1>with someone, but I think we don't. I think we

0:35:20.719 --> 0:35:24.840
<v Speaker 1>mourn the loss of the life we had planned, sometimes

0:35:24.840 --> 0:35:27.239
<v Speaker 1>more so than the actual relationship. So it's like we

0:35:27.280 --> 0:35:29.080
<v Speaker 1>had all these plans together. We're buying this house, we

0:35:29.080 --> 0:35:30.320
<v Speaker 1>were moving here, we were going to have, can we

0:35:30.360 --> 0:35:32.399
<v Speaker 1>had kids? Things picked out. For a lot of people,

0:35:32.440 --> 0:35:34.839
<v Speaker 1>I think they struggle more with the idea of, well,

0:35:34.840 --> 0:35:37.879
<v Speaker 1>what the fuck do I do now? Like, literally, we've

0:35:37.920 --> 0:35:39.960
<v Speaker 1>broken up, we move out of our how what do

0:35:40.000 --> 0:35:42.920
<v Speaker 1>I do? Like the change and identity also changing identity,

0:35:43.000 --> 0:35:44.800
<v Speaker 1>and what sort of advice do you have to someone

0:35:44.880 --> 0:35:47.919
<v Speaker 1>that's really struggling in a breakup, Like maybe deep down

0:35:47.960 --> 0:35:50.880
<v Speaker 1>they know that this isn't their penguin, it's not the

0:35:50.960 --> 0:35:53.640
<v Speaker 1>right person for them. What can you tell someone to

0:35:53.719 --> 0:35:56.120
<v Speaker 1>sort of introspectively think to get at their head around

0:35:56.160 --> 0:35:58.080
<v Speaker 1>the fact that it's going to be okay out there

0:35:58.440 --> 0:36:00.880
<v Speaker 1>that chapter is not necessarily for you, but it's another path.

0:36:01.480 --> 0:36:04.400
<v Speaker 4>Well, I think this idea too, that if you're not together,

0:36:04.960 --> 0:36:08.800
<v Speaker 4>there's still somehow the one inherently just by the circumstances

0:36:08.840 --> 0:36:11.840
<v Speaker 4>of the relationship, they're not and you know, the at

0:36:11.960 --> 0:36:14.759
<v Speaker 4>least not in that version of each other. You know, Like,

0:36:15.400 --> 0:36:18.279
<v Speaker 4>if people have broken up, that breakup is serving them

0:36:18.320 --> 0:36:20.400
<v Speaker 4>to get to whatever place they need to be to

0:36:20.480 --> 0:36:23.520
<v Speaker 4>possibly be together again. But even then, this idea that

0:36:23.560 --> 0:36:26.360
<v Speaker 4>I'm going to change to get them back, it's still

0:36:26.520 --> 0:36:30.880
<v Speaker 4>tying change to an outcome rather than change to wanting

0:36:30.920 --> 0:36:34.240
<v Speaker 4>to create a desired feeling, which is regardless of the outcome.

0:36:34.320 --> 0:36:36.920
<v Speaker 4>I'm okay, And I think that's one of the greatest

0:36:36.960 --> 0:36:42.319
<v Speaker 4>gifts of breakups is they create space that often we

0:36:42.760 --> 0:36:45.680
<v Speaker 4>haven't felt ourselves. You know, when we see this when

0:36:45.680 --> 0:36:49.160
<v Speaker 4>people go from relationship to relationship, they don't actually allow

0:36:49.239 --> 0:36:52.040
<v Speaker 4>themselves to feel the space that really is where people

0:36:52.080 --> 0:36:55.480
<v Speaker 4>complete them, you know. And I think when we lose things,

0:36:55.640 --> 0:36:58.239
<v Speaker 4>not only do we realize the weight of them, but

0:36:58.320 --> 0:37:02.080
<v Speaker 4>I think we often also realize cost. And you know,

0:37:02.080 --> 0:37:04.200
<v Speaker 4>when someone says to me, I lost my partner and

0:37:04.239 --> 0:37:07.480
<v Speaker 4>they took everything. I don't mean financially, because that can

0:37:07.520 --> 0:37:10.640
<v Speaker 4>often be true, but like emotionally, I always asked them, like,

0:37:10.680 --> 0:37:13.200
<v Speaker 4>what did you give them that they can take with them,

0:37:13.440 --> 0:37:16.720
<v Speaker 4>you know, like get it back? Like that's the gift

0:37:17.000 --> 0:37:19.880
<v Speaker 4>of it, right, Go get your shit back too, You

0:37:19.880 --> 0:37:20.640
<v Speaker 4>go steal.

0:37:20.360 --> 0:37:23.680
<v Speaker 1>The dog's back. Yeah, your fucking cast house.

0:37:25.200 --> 0:37:28.359
<v Speaker 4>And I think that's what breakups. But I would say

0:37:28.360 --> 0:37:32.080
<v Speaker 4>any grief does is it doesn't allow us to run

0:37:32.120 --> 0:37:35.160
<v Speaker 4>from it. Like it demands that we listen. It demands

0:37:35.200 --> 0:37:39.040
<v Speaker 4>that we recognize that. You know, even this idea that

0:37:39.080 --> 0:37:42.440
<v Speaker 4>when something ends that the story is no longer available,

0:37:42.840 --> 0:37:47.120
<v Speaker 4>not in the way that we had imagined. However, the

0:37:47.200 --> 0:37:50.200
<v Speaker 4>story is fully available. And if you recognize like you're

0:37:50.320 --> 0:37:54.000
<v Speaker 4>the writer, the director, the producer, the casting director, you're

0:37:54.080 --> 0:37:58.480
<v Speaker 4>all the things, then you're really where where we are

0:37:58.480 --> 0:38:04.319
<v Speaker 4>normally disempowered through relationship, By losing relationships that are inherently disempowering,

0:38:04.360 --> 0:38:07.920
<v Speaker 4>we are empowered. We see like we get to decide

0:38:08.000 --> 0:38:11.520
<v Speaker 4>what this relationship ending means for me. I honestly don't

0:38:11.520 --> 0:38:14.360
<v Speaker 4>know a more potent vehicle for transformation than a breakup,

0:38:14.560 --> 0:38:17.359
<v Speaker 4>especially one that's so readily available to us. You can

0:38:17.400 --> 0:38:20.560
<v Speaker 4>get ghosted by someone you spent a week texting with,

0:38:20.760 --> 0:38:23.040
<v Speaker 4>and that can devastate you. What a gift, What a

0:38:23.040 --> 0:38:26.359
<v Speaker 4>gift that pain is when it reminds you that you've

0:38:26.400 --> 0:38:27.560
<v Speaker 4>forgotten about yourself.

0:38:27.840 --> 0:38:32.160
<v Speaker 1>Sometimes when people are single, they can go through more

0:38:32.239 --> 0:38:35.680
<v Speaker 1>heartache and more. I guess it's like perpetual breakups and

0:38:35.719 --> 0:38:40.279
<v Speaker 1>people in a relationship because you're constantly finding these Like

0:38:40.320 --> 0:38:41.839
<v Speaker 1>you just said, you might just be texting for a week,

0:38:41.880 --> 0:38:43.439
<v Speaker 1>it doesn't work out. You might date for two months

0:38:43.480 --> 0:38:46.000
<v Speaker 1>doesn't work out, three months doesn't work out. Some people

0:38:46.000 --> 0:38:49.320
<v Speaker 1>are going through an emotional emotional turmoil or a breakup

0:38:49.520 --> 0:38:51.960
<v Speaker 1>like twelve times a year. I really want to make

0:38:52.000 --> 0:38:54.000
<v Speaker 1>it clear to those people that you don't have to

0:38:54.000 --> 0:38:55.960
<v Speaker 1>have been in a long term relationship to feel that

0:38:56.000 --> 0:38:58.120
<v Speaker 1>pain and feel like you're not recovering and you can't

0:38:58.160 --> 0:38:59.320
<v Speaker 1>learn something about yourself.

0:38:59.400 --> 0:39:03.400
<v Speaker 2>Do you think it's like compounding small breakups? It's almost

0:39:03.440 --> 0:39:06.800
<v Speaker 2>like small heartbreaks, But all of that, like compounding rejection,

0:39:06.920 --> 0:39:10.040
<v Speaker 2>can add up to feelings. It compounds on your feelings

0:39:10.080 --> 0:39:12.400
<v Speaker 2>of self worth. I think for some people as well.

0:39:12.880 --> 0:39:15.480
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I mean even though I you know, it doesn't

0:39:15.480 --> 0:39:18.120
<v Speaker 4>mean we can't be disappointed when something doesn't work out.

0:39:18.440 --> 0:39:20.640
<v Speaker 4>It's just are we left empty? Right?

0:39:20.719 --> 0:39:20.839
<v Speaker 1>Like?

0:39:21.320 --> 0:39:23.960
<v Speaker 4>Am I left empty? Am I struggling with thoughts? Am

0:39:24.000 --> 0:39:26.880
<v Speaker 4>I enough? Like? Did they not choose? Because what it

0:39:26.920 --> 0:39:31.400
<v Speaker 4>brings up is an unhealed perception we have about ourselves,

0:39:31.440 --> 0:39:34.759
<v Speaker 4>you know, like if so many of us in relationship

0:39:35.160 --> 0:39:38.600
<v Speaker 4>stay in relationships where we don't feel prioritized, we don't

0:39:38.640 --> 0:39:41.359
<v Speaker 4>feel chosen, we don't often even even feel safe, both

0:39:41.360 --> 0:39:45.640
<v Speaker 4>psychologically and perhaps even physically. Often that's because as children

0:39:45.760 --> 0:39:51.160
<v Speaker 4>we learn that that's familiar unreliability and a partner totally normal, lying, cheating,

0:39:51.440 --> 0:39:54.319
<v Speaker 4>all that stuff totally normal, you know, and so we

0:39:54.440 --> 0:39:58.920
<v Speaker 4>have to anytime we keep experiencing repeated patterns as adults,

0:39:59.600 --> 0:40:01.840
<v Speaker 4>you can sure as hell put your finger on the

0:40:01.840 --> 0:40:04.640
<v Speaker 4>fact that it comes from a conditioning as a child.

0:40:04.680 --> 0:40:07.920
<v Speaker 4>And so what it does is if I'm drawn to

0:40:07.960 --> 0:40:11.080
<v Speaker 4>people who are unavailable, who are liars, who are any

0:40:11.120 --> 0:40:15.320
<v Speaker 4>of those things, it's because I'm seeking something. I'm seeking

0:40:15.480 --> 0:40:18.600
<v Speaker 4>probably to finally be enough to be prioritized, to be

0:40:18.840 --> 0:40:22.280
<v Speaker 4>understood for them to change. So Ana, I'm this Maracu,

0:40:22.320 --> 0:40:24.759
<v Speaker 4>I'm so beautiful, I'm so everything that they're going to

0:40:24.880 --> 0:40:28.600
<v Speaker 4>change for me. And really, you'll continue to experience heartbreak

0:40:29.160 --> 0:40:32.480
<v Speaker 4>until you recognize that the adult in you actually has

0:40:32.520 --> 0:40:35.719
<v Speaker 4>to provide you those things, and then you will not

0:40:35.800 --> 0:40:38.319
<v Speaker 4>be drawn to people who are unreliable or any of that,

0:40:38.520 --> 0:40:41.239
<v Speaker 4>because you'll have given those things to yourself. You'll have

0:40:41.360 --> 0:40:45.560
<v Speaker 4>set the standard, and then those things aren't even attractive anymore,

0:40:45.719 --> 0:40:50.480
<v Speaker 4>like to someone who has healed. The draw to unavailability

0:40:50.520 --> 0:40:53.080
<v Speaker 4>the first sign of not only if you recognize it

0:40:53.200 --> 0:40:54.960
<v Speaker 4>just the way they text or the way they talk,

0:40:55.239 --> 0:40:58.960
<v Speaker 4>but you feel it because you're integrated, and in the

0:40:58.960 --> 0:41:02.240
<v Speaker 4>integration you're intuition, which you had to leave to survive

0:41:02.280 --> 0:41:04.600
<v Speaker 4>in childhood because you can't leave your house when you're

0:41:04.600 --> 0:41:09.440
<v Speaker 4>four that has been welcomed back, and it's when that's

0:41:09.520 --> 0:41:12.560
<v Speaker 4>present then and then you're not even drawn to it.

0:41:12.600 --> 0:41:15.320
<v Speaker 4>You're like swipe left by, like I don't even I

0:41:15.360 --> 0:41:16.719
<v Speaker 4>don't even have time for that shit.

0:41:17.200 --> 0:41:19.640
<v Speaker 2>It's interesting you say this, And we've spoken a lot

0:41:19.680 --> 0:41:22.600
<v Speaker 2>on this podcast around codependency. And there's something that you

0:41:22.640 --> 0:41:25.120
<v Speaker 2>put on your Instagram just the other day and we

0:41:25.160 --> 0:41:27.000
<v Speaker 2>wanted to talk to you about it. You wrote, your

0:41:27.040 --> 0:41:29.839
<v Speaker 2>level of self love sets the bath for every other

0:41:29.920 --> 0:41:34.319
<v Speaker 2>relationship in your life. How do you see someone's own

0:41:34.320 --> 0:41:37.640
<v Speaker 2>self work, like how we see ourselves impacting codependency in

0:41:37.680 --> 0:41:40.640
<v Speaker 2>a relationship or impacting codependent tendencies?

0:41:41.200 --> 0:41:44.040
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I mean codependency is challenging because it's sort of

0:41:44.080 --> 0:41:47.839
<v Speaker 4>like the normalized way of relating that we watch. We've

0:41:47.880 --> 0:41:51.359
<v Speaker 4>evolved to be codependent, which is different than interdependent, you know,

0:41:51.400 --> 0:41:54.400
<v Speaker 4>And I think that's it's important to differentiate, Like codependency

0:41:54.440 --> 0:41:59.080
<v Speaker 4>is really I need you to validate that I'm worthy, right,

0:41:59.200 --> 0:42:01.560
<v Speaker 4>Like I need to try to fix your shit, to

0:42:01.640 --> 0:42:03.879
<v Speaker 4>try to get you to stop the addiction, to try

0:42:03.880 --> 0:42:06.800
<v Speaker 4>to get you to change I carry the world always

0:42:06.840 --> 0:42:09.680
<v Speaker 4>being like, well, no one thinks about me? What about me?

0:42:10.400 --> 0:42:12.520
<v Speaker 4>But meanwhile we're the one existing in a world where

0:42:12.560 --> 0:42:15.359
<v Speaker 4>everyone is more important than us. That quote is from

0:42:15.480 --> 0:42:20.600
<v Speaker 4>Terry Cole, psychotherapist, and really the idea being that if

0:42:20.719 --> 0:42:24.640
<v Speaker 4>you set the standard for the behaviors for yourself, if

0:42:24.680 --> 0:42:27.160
<v Speaker 4>you say this is why. One of the greatest healings

0:42:27.200 --> 0:42:30.000
<v Speaker 4>of things like trauma is there's a saying that the

0:42:30.040 --> 0:42:33.360
<v Speaker 4>opposite of trauma is choice. And one of the ways

0:42:33.400 --> 0:42:36.480
<v Speaker 4>that we can begin to trust ourselves is by first off,

0:42:36.560 --> 0:42:38.520
<v Speaker 4>just making our bed every morning. I'm going to make

0:42:38.560 --> 0:42:40.880
<v Speaker 4>my bed every morning, and then we do it every morning.

0:42:40.920 --> 0:42:43.040
<v Speaker 4>And what that says is when I make a promise

0:42:43.120 --> 0:42:46.320
<v Speaker 4>to myself, I show up. And it sounds so simple,

0:42:46.719 --> 0:42:49.279
<v Speaker 4>and it is, but it's so important because it is

0:42:49.440 --> 0:42:54.160
<v Speaker 4>those little, consistent, broken promises to oneself that says, when

0:42:54.160 --> 0:42:57.080
<v Speaker 4>shit hits the fin I actually don't have my own back.

0:42:57.680 --> 0:43:02.960
<v Speaker 4>And so the healing of codependency is first learning who

0:43:03.040 --> 0:43:07.080
<v Speaker 4>you actually are separate from other people, right, Like it's

0:43:07.440 --> 0:43:12.080
<v Speaker 4>creating sovereignty right And like so many of us in relationship,

0:43:12.320 --> 0:43:14.200
<v Speaker 4>we like the shit our partner likes, even though we

0:43:14.239 --> 0:43:15.359
<v Speaker 4>don't actually even like it.

0:43:15.600 --> 0:43:16.680
<v Speaker 1>That is so true.

0:43:16.880 --> 0:43:18.920
<v Speaker 2>Or you see people who almost like get into new

0:43:18.960 --> 0:43:22.479
<v Speaker 2>relationships and they adopt all the things that their partner likes,

0:43:22.520 --> 0:43:25.839
<v Speaker 2>like they become they become like a mini version in

0:43:25.880 --> 0:43:28.719
<v Speaker 2>some ways of their likes and wants and hopes and

0:43:28.760 --> 0:43:30.960
<v Speaker 2>dreams and aspirations, which you know is quite different to

0:43:31.000 --> 0:43:32.880
<v Speaker 2>where they were six months ago, Like.

0:43:32.880 --> 0:43:35.600
<v Speaker 1>I honestly love rock climbing as of yes so.

0:43:35.600 --> 0:43:37.560
<v Speaker 4>Much, Yeah, it's my favorite.

0:43:37.840 --> 0:43:40.360
<v Speaker 2>And you see that, like it's almost like you're absorbing

0:43:40.440 --> 0:43:42.680
<v Speaker 2>that other person or what they want with their life,

0:43:42.760 --> 0:43:44.239
<v Speaker 2>and you become an accessory to that.

0:43:44.800 --> 0:43:47.160
<v Speaker 4>Such a great word, absorb, because in a way, you're

0:43:47.239 --> 0:43:52.200
<v Speaker 4>right right, like I'm starting to adopt your thoughts, feelings,

0:43:52.200 --> 0:43:56.279
<v Speaker 4>and beliefs, not recognizing or respecting them as separate. It

0:43:56.280 --> 0:43:58.439
<v Speaker 4>doesn't mean we can't find an interest through the people

0:43:58.480 --> 0:44:00.680
<v Speaker 4>we are in a relationship with. It's just like, are

0:44:00.719 --> 0:44:04.080
<v Speaker 4>you authentically actually drawn to that thing you say you like?

0:44:04.360 --> 0:44:06.520
<v Speaker 4>Are you pretending that you like foods you don't like?

0:44:06.560 --> 0:44:08.640
<v Speaker 4>Are you pretending that you want to like restaurants you

0:44:08.680 --> 0:44:12.239
<v Speaker 4>don't like. To heal codependency is to begin to be

0:44:12.400 --> 0:44:15.960
<v Speaker 4>conscious about what values are you living your life by

0:44:16.320 --> 0:44:19.360
<v Speaker 4>what standard are you setting for yourself? Like if you

0:44:19.400 --> 0:44:23.480
<v Speaker 4>don't have reverence and admiration for who you are as

0:44:23.480 --> 0:44:25.880
<v Speaker 4>a human like self love is thought, you know, and

0:44:26.280 --> 0:44:29.680
<v Speaker 4>surely true is things like bubble bass and chocolate and

0:44:29.680 --> 0:44:34.080
<v Speaker 4>spas and all that awesome shit. And it's so much

0:44:34.120 --> 0:44:38.000
<v Speaker 4>deeper than that. It is the consistent choices I make

0:44:38.040 --> 0:44:40.719
<v Speaker 4>in each moment. Do they say to me, I love me,

0:44:41.360 --> 0:44:43.680
<v Speaker 4>I have admiration for myself. And if you can set

0:44:43.719 --> 0:44:47.239
<v Speaker 4>that standard, anyone who doesn't hold it will just be

0:44:47.400 --> 0:44:50.840
<v Speaker 4>lowering your bar. And codependency is lowering your bar to

0:44:50.920 --> 0:44:54.760
<v Speaker 4>fit somebody else in. And we, I think can often

0:44:54.800 --> 0:44:56.560
<v Speaker 4>do that. We're like yeah, but they just say it

0:44:56.600 --> 0:44:58.080
<v Speaker 4>was one small red flag.

0:44:58.320 --> 0:45:01.239
<v Speaker 2>We do a segment on every Thursday and it's called

0:45:01.280 --> 0:45:03.719
<v Speaker 2>ask Guncut where people right in their relationship questions and

0:45:03.760 --> 0:45:06.000
<v Speaker 2>we do our best to answer them. A very common

0:45:06.120 --> 0:45:09.480
<v Speaker 2>question that we receive and something that's like a very uh,

0:45:09.520 --> 0:45:13.600
<v Speaker 2>it's just a very common theme to relationships is somebody

0:45:13.680 --> 0:45:16.960
<v Speaker 2>who has been in maybe not so healthy relationships or

0:45:17.000 --> 0:45:20.640
<v Speaker 2>toxic relationships, and there's been that volatility that like you know,

0:45:20.719 --> 0:45:24.279
<v Speaker 2>really high highs, really low lows, and then they just don't.

0:45:24.480 --> 0:45:27.239
<v Speaker 2>Every time they start dating after that, they just don't

0:45:27.280 --> 0:45:30.200
<v Speaker 2>feel the connection or they just don't feel like, you know,

0:45:30.239 --> 0:45:32.200
<v Speaker 2>what I have with this person isn't as strong as

0:45:32.239 --> 0:45:33.879
<v Speaker 2>what I had with my ex. And they're the nice

0:45:33.880 --> 0:45:36.080
<v Speaker 2>people are boring. Yeah, the nice people are boring. They're

0:45:36.120 --> 0:45:39.160
<v Speaker 2>comparing that volatility. What advice would you have for someone

0:45:39.160 --> 0:45:42.960
<v Speaker 2>in that situation or feeling like almost like that trauma

0:45:43.000 --> 0:45:46.880
<v Speaker 2>bonding and that toxicity is where they find excitement in relationships.

0:45:47.400 --> 0:45:50.239
<v Speaker 4>Well, first off, compassion for where that comes from, you know,

0:45:50.400 --> 0:45:52.440
<v Speaker 4>and compassion for self. That's what I mean, is like

0:45:52.520 --> 0:45:55.000
<v Speaker 4>that person being able to say, like, what a beautiful

0:45:55.080 --> 0:45:58.760
<v Speaker 4>level of awareness do identify I'm still drawn to people

0:45:58.800 --> 0:46:01.960
<v Speaker 4>that aren't necessarily good for me. That also shows you

0:46:02.000 --> 0:46:04.960
<v Speaker 4>when someone says I can't help who I have chemistry with,

0:46:05.239 --> 0:46:08.719
<v Speaker 4>as if chemistry is this thing that's always good for us, right,

0:46:08.840 --> 0:46:12.040
<v Speaker 4>like that what we're drawn to. If it's not healthy,

0:46:12.080 --> 0:46:14.720
<v Speaker 4>then we know. I like to say that our picker

0:46:14.880 --> 0:46:16.799
<v Speaker 4>might be broken, you know, and so you got to

0:46:16.800 --> 0:46:18.920
<v Speaker 4>fix your picker, which sounds close to packer, but you

0:46:18.960 --> 0:46:21.920
<v Speaker 4>know what I'm saying, fix your dick, fix your just

0:46:21.920 --> 0:46:24.799
<v Speaker 4>fix your fix your Dick, what's really going on is

0:46:24.800 --> 0:46:30.440
<v Speaker 4>from a nervous system perspective, they are confusing dysregulation with arousal,

0:46:30.960 --> 0:46:34.680
<v Speaker 4>and that can often occur because of the extreme extreme

0:46:34.719 --> 0:46:38.600
<v Speaker 4>emotion that occurs in volatility, on reliability, all that kind

0:46:38.600 --> 0:46:40.040
<v Speaker 4>of stuff, And if you think about it, a lot

0:46:40.040 --> 0:46:42.640
<v Speaker 4>of the time, what happens then is people have sex

0:46:42.880 --> 0:46:45.600
<v Speaker 4>and then the feeling of not being chosen or not

0:46:45.719 --> 0:46:48.719
<v Speaker 4>being safe gets treated by a rousal. So it's much

0:46:48.800 --> 0:46:51.000
<v Speaker 4>like a drug, like any drug that we do to

0:46:51.160 --> 0:46:55.200
<v Speaker 4>escape pain, and we just stay in that cycle because

0:46:55.680 --> 0:46:58.680
<v Speaker 4>when we're in relation or going on a date with

0:46:58.719 --> 0:47:02.640
<v Speaker 4>someone who's calm, who actually prioritizes us, who texts us

0:47:02.640 --> 0:47:06.880
<v Speaker 4>when they say they're going to who's reliable, we're like, yeah,

0:47:06.920 --> 0:47:09.160
<v Speaker 4>but that's fucking not sexy, Like I don't want to

0:47:09.200 --> 0:47:13.319
<v Speaker 4>bang this person. What we're really not comfortable in is

0:47:13.360 --> 0:47:16.680
<v Speaker 4>actually being in a regulated state. We're not comfortable in

0:47:16.680 --> 0:47:20.120
<v Speaker 4>the calm and so my advice to them would be

0:47:20.640 --> 0:47:23.759
<v Speaker 4>to seek something like sematic therapy, that's what working on

0:47:23.800 --> 0:47:27.040
<v Speaker 4>your nervous system is called. And even beginning to learn

0:47:27.080 --> 0:47:30.319
<v Speaker 4>things like breath work ways to regulate cold showers are

0:47:30.320 --> 0:47:33.400
<v Speaker 4>actually a really incredible way to learn how to regulate,

0:47:33.719 --> 0:47:35.799
<v Speaker 4>because when you even just put the end of your

0:47:35.960 --> 0:47:39.759
<v Speaker 4>shower for fifteen to thirty seconds on cold, what you're

0:47:39.760 --> 0:47:42.040
<v Speaker 4>observing is your bodies say you're going to die from

0:47:42.080 --> 0:47:44.560
<v Speaker 4>the gold, but you're not. You're totally safe. You're in

0:47:44.560 --> 0:47:47.239
<v Speaker 4>a shower right. What you're starting to do is be

0:47:47.320 --> 0:47:52.080
<v Speaker 4>able to observe your body's experience separate from what you

0:47:52.160 --> 0:47:54.719
<v Speaker 4>know is true, and it begins to make you the

0:47:54.760 --> 0:47:57.840
<v Speaker 4>observer of your nervous system response. But breath work and

0:47:57.840 --> 0:48:00.239
<v Speaker 4>stematic therapy, you can work with a therapist and you

0:48:00.320 --> 0:48:03.319
<v Speaker 4>can move that very quickly, and what you'll see is

0:48:03.320 --> 0:48:05.680
<v Speaker 4>all these patterns that you couldn't make sense of or

0:48:05.719 --> 0:48:09.120
<v Speaker 4>all these people, you won't even be drawn to dysregulation anymore.

0:48:09.280 --> 0:48:11.680
<v Speaker 4>Anyone can change any behavior in relationship.

0:48:11.960 --> 0:48:13.480
<v Speaker 1>This is like music to my ears. I have my

0:48:13.560 --> 0:48:15.919
<v Speaker 1>first breath work class booked in a couple of days,

0:48:15.920 --> 0:48:17.960
<v Speaker 1>so I'm expecting to walk out of that a new person.

0:48:17.960 --> 0:48:19.359
<v Speaker 1>I'll let you know, I'll give you trade at home

0:48:19.400 --> 0:48:20.320
<v Speaker 1>to a cold shower.

0:48:20.480 --> 0:48:22.360
<v Speaker 4>You really will, you know what I'm at that.

0:48:22.360 --> 0:48:24.520
<v Speaker 1>Point, you know where you're like, I'll just try anything,

0:48:24.640 --> 0:48:26.319
<v Speaker 1>like come at me, so I'm just going to go

0:48:26.400 --> 0:48:28.400
<v Speaker 1>do some breathing for a while, come out a better person.

0:48:28.560 --> 0:48:30.120
<v Speaker 1>But I want to talk to you about something that

0:48:30.480 --> 0:48:33.120
<v Speaker 1>I don't actually know quite how I feel about it yet,

0:48:33.160 --> 0:48:34.440
<v Speaker 1>So I'm going to ask the expert. I want to

0:48:34.440 --> 0:48:38.040
<v Speaker 1>talk to you about timing, divine intervention. Do we believe

0:48:38.120 --> 0:48:42.520
<v Speaker 1>in right and wrong timing? So our relationship doesn't work out,

0:48:42.560 --> 0:48:44.440
<v Speaker 1>they have to move to England, Like I'm sorry, I

0:48:44.480 --> 0:48:46.719
<v Speaker 1>have to go for my job. I love everything about you,

0:48:46.800 --> 0:48:49.280
<v Speaker 1>but this can't work out. And then can you say

0:48:50.440 --> 0:48:53.600
<v Speaker 1>where each other's soulmate? But it's bad timing? Is that

0:48:53.640 --> 0:48:56.080
<v Speaker 1>bad timing or is that just they're not the one?

0:48:56.239 --> 0:48:57.960
<v Speaker 1>There's no such thing as right and wrong timing?

0:48:58.440 --> 0:49:01.440
<v Speaker 4>Well, yeah, you know, all that language saw me the one.

0:49:01.880 --> 0:49:05.120
<v Speaker 4>I'm always mindful to not put them as singular because

0:49:05.120 --> 0:49:06.960
<v Speaker 4>when you put them as singular, you don't live in

0:49:07.000 --> 0:49:10.480
<v Speaker 4>an abundant experience, you know, if you believe that someone

0:49:10.680 --> 0:49:12.960
<v Speaker 4>even in the first five dates or first date. I

0:49:13.000 --> 0:49:15.000
<v Speaker 4>hear people say I think I met my husband or

0:49:15.040 --> 0:49:16.319
<v Speaker 4>my wife or whatever I said with.

0:49:16.320 --> 0:49:20.040
<v Speaker 1>The future, and that's always ended fucking terribly. I've just

0:49:20.040 --> 0:49:22.879
<v Speaker 1>done it twice, and that's not the one I'm marrying.

0:49:22.680 --> 0:49:25.200
<v Speaker 4>Right, Like, it's like, did you stop saying it? At

0:49:25.320 --> 0:49:26.520
<v Speaker 4>least that's at least there.

0:49:26.640 --> 0:49:29.239
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I've experienced exactly that two people in my life

0:49:29.280 --> 0:49:31.080
<v Speaker 2>on first dates. I'd been like, this is the guy

0:49:31.120 --> 0:49:33.080
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to marry, and it was a shit show

0:49:33.080 --> 0:49:35.080
<v Speaker 2>over a relationship. And then my now.

0:49:35.400 --> 0:49:38.520
<v Speaker 1>Husband almost I didn't have that straight away, and it's

0:49:38.560 --> 0:49:42.480
<v Speaker 1>the most calm and sensible and like reliable relationship I've

0:49:42.480 --> 0:49:42.959
<v Speaker 1>ever had.

0:49:43.160 --> 0:49:46.359
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, isn't that beautiful? That shows you how much the

0:49:46.440 --> 0:49:49.800
<v Speaker 4>prison language can be, right, Like, if I say someone's

0:49:49.840 --> 0:49:52.439
<v Speaker 4>the one, then what happens if they're not? And I've

0:49:52.480 --> 0:49:55.040
<v Speaker 4>made this declaration not just to myself but maybe to

0:49:55.040 --> 0:49:58.439
<v Speaker 4>my friends, And so even exploring that of like when

0:49:58.800 --> 0:50:01.600
<v Speaker 4>we use language like that, then we're not free to leave.

0:50:01.680 --> 0:50:05.160
<v Speaker 4>We're not free to not explore that thing. And so, well,

0:50:05.239 --> 0:50:08.239
<v Speaker 4>if it's bad timing, they're the right person for that experience,

0:50:08.400 --> 0:50:10.719
<v Speaker 4>you know, Like if it didn't work out, is the

0:50:10.840 --> 0:50:12.560
<v Speaker 4>idea that they're the one that could be the one

0:50:12.600 --> 0:50:15.000
<v Speaker 4>that teaches you that you shouldn't use that language so

0:50:15.040 --> 0:50:17.279
<v Speaker 4>that you don't put all your eggs in one basket, right,

0:50:17.600 --> 0:50:21.600
<v Speaker 4>Like I always think wherever any relational experience is sticky,

0:50:22.280 --> 0:50:25.360
<v Speaker 4>there's a story or something that needs to be healed,

0:50:25.440 --> 0:50:28.240
<v Speaker 4>you know. You think like whenever we're triggered, there's something

0:50:28.239 --> 0:50:32.040
<v Speaker 4>that hasn't been healed. And this idea that I always

0:50:32.120 --> 0:50:36.960
<v Speaker 4>consider that if something doesn't work then is they're inherently

0:50:37.000 --> 0:50:40.520
<v Speaker 4>the wrong person. They're just inherently the wrong person for

0:50:41.239 --> 0:50:44.240
<v Speaker 4>what we're pursuing, which is perhaps a relationship with someone

0:50:44.400 --> 0:50:46.880
<v Speaker 4>for the rest of our lives, and they are always

0:50:47.520 --> 0:50:49.960
<v Speaker 4>the pathway to that person.

0:50:50.080 --> 0:50:51.400
<v Speaker 1>You've got to have a bit of faith in the

0:50:51.440 --> 0:50:53.759
<v Speaker 1>moment that what's happening is leading you to where you're

0:50:53.800 --> 0:50:56.400
<v Speaker 1>supposed to be. Well, the lesson you really.

0:50:56.200 --> 0:51:00.120
<v Speaker 4>Have no other choice, Like the other choice is that

0:51:00.160 --> 0:51:03.280
<v Speaker 4>the universe has had happen in my life is actually

0:51:03.320 --> 0:51:06.439
<v Speaker 4>not right, and so I need to try to make

0:51:06.520 --> 0:51:09.680
<v Speaker 4>it right. As if I know better than my soul

0:51:09.920 --> 0:51:12.920
<v Speaker 4>than the universe, then the lessons that are trying to

0:51:12.920 --> 0:51:16.080
<v Speaker 4>work through me, as opposed to like just letting go

0:51:16.160 --> 0:51:18.160
<v Speaker 4>of the tight grip to stories have to be the

0:51:18.200 --> 0:51:20.799
<v Speaker 4>way we want rather than the way they are. And

0:51:20.840 --> 0:51:24.759
<v Speaker 4>when you're not accepting how reality actually is, you're fighting it,

0:51:24.800 --> 0:51:26.120
<v Speaker 4>which means you're going to be in pain.

0:51:26.520 --> 0:51:28.680
<v Speaker 2>What about this whole notion of like circling back on

0:51:28.719 --> 0:51:32.239
<v Speaker 2>a relationship. So if the relationships ended and maybe there

0:51:32.280 --> 0:51:35.239
<v Speaker 2>is something that's unresolved about it, giving it another go

0:51:35.480 --> 0:51:38.360
<v Speaker 2>in the future, if you know, circumstances are different. But

0:51:38.719 --> 0:51:40.560
<v Speaker 2>you know, I think that some people do hold on

0:51:40.719 --> 0:51:43.080
<v Speaker 2>for hope that that relationship with that person's going to

0:51:43.080 --> 0:51:44.000
<v Speaker 2>come back into their life.

0:51:44.040 --> 0:51:46.960
<v Speaker 4>Well timing, I mean, I speak it from personal experience.

0:51:47.400 --> 0:51:50.759
<v Speaker 4>My current fiance was my past relationship, you know, and

0:51:50.840 --> 0:51:53.799
<v Speaker 4>we call that relationship one point. Oh you know that

0:51:54.719 --> 0:51:57.600
<v Speaker 4>in hindsight now you know, we call it a sacred pause.

0:51:57.880 --> 0:52:00.600
<v Speaker 4>And we took a sacred pause in our relationship. The

0:52:00.680 --> 0:52:03.799
<v Speaker 4>relationship itself when it ended was over, you know, like

0:52:03.920 --> 0:52:06.560
<v Speaker 4>I was ready to move on and move forward. And

0:52:06.600 --> 0:52:09.840
<v Speaker 4>I just knew from my own personal experience that unless

0:52:09.880 --> 0:52:12.440
<v Speaker 4>you close the door fully, you're not even open to

0:52:12.520 --> 0:52:16.120
<v Speaker 4>any sort of advanced state of the next relationship, even

0:52:16.160 --> 0:52:18.680
<v Speaker 4>if it's them, you know. So it really made me

0:52:18.719 --> 0:52:22.239
<v Speaker 4>start to think about a few things. One that when

0:52:22.239 --> 0:52:25.680
<v Speaker 4>we use words like my heart is broken, I really

0:52:25.719 --> 0:52:28.840
<v Speaker 4>realized through the heartbreak that I had in that ending,

0:52:29.520 --> 0:52:32.680
<v Speaker 4>was that my heart was actually wide open, it wasn't broken,

0:52:33.239 --> 0:52:35.440
<v Speaker 4>like a broken heart is one that doesn't love again.

0:52:35.560 --> 0:52:38.440
<v Speaker 4>I think that's just really important that recognizing that the

0:52:38.480 --> 0:52:41.120
<v Speaker 4>pain you experience in heartbreak is actually validation that you

0:52:41.200 --> 0:52:44.600
<v Speaker 4>love and like, what a beautiful thing, although a painful truth.

0:52:45.160 --> 0:52:48.320
<v Speaker 4>The other side is using words like get back together.

0:52:49.040 --> 0:52:52.080
<v Speaker 4>I really started to see it, like, actually, you should

0:52:52.120 --> 0:52:54.960
<v Speaker 4>never have to go backwards to get into any relationship.

0:52:55.120 --> 0:52:57.359
<v Speaker 4>You should never have to turn down your volume for

0:52:57.400 --> 0:52:59.440
<v Speaker 4>them to be the same person they were when you

0:52:59.440 --> 0:53:01.759
<v Speaker 4>were in the preview version of the relationship is a

0:53:01.800 --> 0:53:04.840
<v Speaker 4>failure of the pause, is a failure of the space.

0:53:05.280 --> 0:53:08.640
<v Speaker 4>So really, I think about it getting together and moving forward,

0:53:08.719 --> 0:53:11.239
<v Speaker 4>and if you're truly in your growth and learning from

0:53:11.280 --> 0:53:14.080
<v Speaker 4>your breakup and in your zone and surfing and you

0:53:14.080 --> 0:53:16.560
<v Speaker 4>know whatever, it might be your flow states, and you're

0:53:16.640 --> 0:53:19.000
<v Speaker 4>just believing every day, you know, you wake up and

0:53:19.040 --> 0:53:21.920
<v Speaker 4>you say, I believe in miracles. They happen every day, Like,

0:53:22.160 --> 0:53:24.320
<v Speaker 4>let's be honest, they do. You can meet your person

0:53:24.920 --> 0:53:27.680
<v Speaker 4>in any moment, literally any moment. But if you're so

0:53:27.880 --> 0:53:30.960
<v Speaker 4>busy needing them to look like your X or be

0:53:31.160 --> 0:53:36.240
<v Speaker 4>your ex, you're actually not seeing the many many thousands,

0:53:36.280 --> 0:53:38.960
<v Speaker 4>millions of possibilities that are actually trying to look you

0:53:39.000 --> 0:53:41.840
<v Speaker 4>in the eye. And so that is where the prison

0:53:41.880 --> 0:53:44.920
<v Speaker 4>of a story needing to be a certain way can

0:53:44.960 --> 0:53:48.680
<v Speaker 4>really keep reliving in our experience, not seeing that something

0:53:48.719 --> 0:53:51.640
<v Speaker 4>greater is actually trying to meet you when you're ready,

0:53:52.200 --> 0:53:57.239
<v Speaker 4>and that might be them, and you won't care when

0:53:57.280 --> 0:53:59.400
<v Speaker 4>they show up if it's them or not. And I

0:53:59.400 --> 0:54:02.040
<v Speaker 4>think that's that beauty of being able to both have

0:54:02.200 --> 0:54:04.640
<v Speaker 4>hope because I'm not saying don't hope that it might

0:54:04.640 --> 0:54:08.360
<v Speaker 4>be them, hope that whatever version of the relationship you

0:54:08.440 --> 0:54:12.600
<v Speaker 4>really desire has perhaps them in it, but you're totally

0:54:12.680 --> 0:54:14.480
<v Speaker 4>open to it not being them.

0:54:14.760 --> 0:54:17.200
<v Speaker 1>I like the change in perception, the change in terminology

0:54:17.200 --> 0:54:20.320
<v Speaker 1>that you just mentioned, getting together moving forward as opposed

0:54:20.360 --> 0:54:22.520
<v Speaker 1>to getting back together, like you're going back to this

0:54:22.560 --> 0:54:25.400
<v Speaker 1>stagnant place. I think that's really important. I mean perception.

0:54:25.480 --> 0:54:27.200
<v Speaker 1>We all know the way we speak to ourselves and

0:54:27.239 --> 0:54:28.920
<v Speaker 1>the way what we put out to the universe is

0:54:28.920 --> 0:54:32.080
<v Speaker 1>super super important. But one quick question about your fiance

0:54:33.080 --> 0:54:35.160
<v Speaker 1>was that, if you don't mind me asking, is that

0:54:35.200 --> 0:54:37.759
<v Speaker 1>the fiance that you called it off with or is

0:54:37.800 --> 0:54:40.600
<v Speaker 1>this a relationship? After that, you then took the pause

0:54:40.640 --> 0:54:42.080
<v Speaker 1>and then you got back together with.

0:54:42.200 --> 0:54:45.759
<v Speaker 4>No, No, definitely not the same. Yeah, we're sixteen years later.

0:54:45.880 --> 0:54:48.600
<v Speaker 4>I got here, I got engaged, and you know that's

0:54:48.680 --> 0:54:52.839
<v Speaker 4>so it was fifteen years later from that previous engagement.

0:54:53.040 --> 0:54:57.200
<v Speaker 4>And you know, it's so beautiful about experiencing asking someone

0:54:57.239 --> 0:55:00.360
<v Speaker 4>to marry me again. Was how different it felt that

0:55:00.480 --> 0:55:03.120
<v Speaker 4>I was the right person, which is so interesting because

0:55:03.160 --> 0:55:05.960
<v Speaker 4>previously I would have said my previous partner wasn't the

0:55:06.040 --> 0:55:08.560
<v Speaker 4>right person, but she taught me so much. You know,

0:55:08.600 --> 0:55:11.440
<v Speaker 4>my previous fiance is the one who put me on

0:55:11.480 --> 0:55:14.360
<v Speaker 4>the path to have these conversations to think about things.

0:55:14.480 --> 0:55:16.960
<v Speaker 4>And that's why, even if is the timing wrong or

0:55:16.960 --> 0:55:19.520
<v Speaker 4>are they not the one, you look in hindsight and

0:55:19.560 --> 0:55:21.279
<v Speaker 4>you can connect the dots and you say, what a

0:55:21.320 --> 0:55:22.760
<v Speaker 4>beautiful journey when we're open.

0:55:23.320 --> 0:55:25.480
<v Speaker 2>I think it's something that you've touched on a little bit.

0:55:25.560 --> 0:55:29.200
<v Speaker 2>But also it's such a big question that people have.

0:55:29.640 --> 0:55:31.880
<v Speaker 2>How do you know that someone is the one? How

0:55:31.920 --> 0:55:34.160
<v Speaker 2>do you look at that person and go, yes, this

0:55:34.200 --> 0:55:35.640
<v Speaker 2>is the person I'm going to spend the rest of

0:55:35.680 --> 0:55:36.319
<v Speaker 2>my life with.

0:55:36.520 --> 0:55:38.400
<v Speaker 4>Even the idea of the one, you know, I always

0:55:38.440 --> 0:55:40.640
<v Speaker 4>think of it as many ones, like there are many

0:55:40.640 --> 0:55:42.719
<v Speaker 4>ones out there. I had a friend who said to

0:55:42.760 --> 0:55:46.280
<v Speaker 4>me ones that exact thing about the plural being important,

0:55:46.280 --> 0:55:49.080
<v Speaker 4>but also who is willing to work it out with you?

0:55:49.640 --> 0:55:52.320
<v Speaker 4>That's how I see it, you know, like, are they kind?

0:55:52.480 --> 0:55:54.520
<v Speaker 4>Are they generous? Those are the two qualities when they

0:55:54.560 --> 0:55:56.560
<v Speaker 4>look at the research in hindsight, Where are the most

0:55:56.560 --> 0:56:01.480
<v Speaker 4>important qualities in really long lasting relationships, fulfilling relationships? Also?

0:56:01.800 --> 0:56:04.880
<v Speaker 4>Are they willing to repair, like to sit to not

0:56:05.120 --> 0:56:08.439
<v Speaker 4>make us sit in pain? You know, and we prioritize

0:56:08.480 --> 0:56:11.200
<v Speaker 4>repair in the relationship. I would say the one is

0:56:11.600 --> 0:56:14.880
<v Speaker 4>someone that you have admiration for, you're attracted to, you

0:56:15.120 --> 0:56:18.879
<v Speaker 4>have respect for. Those are all the really important sort

0:56:18.920 --> 0:56:21.200
<v Speaker 4>of pieces that need to be there for the foundation.

0:56:21.600 --> 0:56:23.759
<v Speaker 4>Do you have fun together? Are you curious about each

0:56:23.800 --> 0:56:28.080
<v Speaker 4>other's worlds? Alexander Salmon Doctor Alexander Salman says that in

0:56:28.120 --> 0:56:31.640
<v Speaker 4>your lifetime you will be married many times, and it

0:56:31.719 --> 0:56:34.040
<v Speaker 4>might be to the same person or not. You know

0:56:34.080 --> 0:56:37.400
<v Speaker 4>this idea that the marriage is always changing, the relationship

0:56:37.440 --> 0:56:40.279
<v Speaker 4>is always changing because you are and because they are.

0:56:40.480 --> 0:56:42.000
<v Speaker 4>And when you start to think of it that way,

0:56:42.040 --> 0:56:44.160
<v Speaker 4>because we often look at our long term partners and

0:56:44.200 --> 0:56:47.000
<v Speaker 4>we're like, I can finish your sentences like you haven't

0:56:47.000 --> 0:56:49.480
<v Speaker 4>had a new shit happen in a long time, like

0:56:50.640 --> 0:56:55.120
<v Speaker 4>kind of bored. And it's right. And it's often because

0:56:55.160 --> 0:56:58.920
<v Speaker 4>we stopped being curious about their world, you know. Like

0:56:59.080 --> 0:57:02.280
<v Speaker 4>I got home from a t yesterday and simon fiance

0:57:02.440 --> 0:57:04.759
<v Speaker 4>and asked her questions. For gosh, and the two days

0:57:04.800 --> 0:57:07.920
<v Speaker 4>i'd been gone, she had so many things happen, like

0:57:08.000 --> 0:57:10.800
<v Speaker 4>so many realizations about things, so many things she'd learned.

0:57:11.400 --> 0:57:13.520
<v Speaker 4>And when you look at your partner from that space

0:57:13.560 --> 0:57:16.160
<v Speaker 4>of what can I learn from you? And is there

0:57:16.200 --> 0:57:19.760
<v Speaker 4>a mutual feeling back? I think that's so different. You know.

0:57:20.040 --> 0:57:22.600
<v Speaker 4>I think of relationships so differently than I did when

0:57:22.600 --> 0:57:25.360
<v Speaker 4>I was engaged the first time, because I see them

0:57:25.360 --> 0:57:29.120
<v Speaker 4>now as this beautiful, sacred space that's so important.

0:57:29.640 --> 0:57:31.360
<v Speaker 1>Well, I think a pretty big tell if they're the

0:57:31.360 --> 0:57:33.000
<v Speaker 1>one or not is if you're about to marry them

0:57:33.000 --> 0:57:35.840
<v Speaker 1>and you google, how do I know if they're the one?

0:57:36.080 --> 0:57:39.040
<v Speaker 4>Yeah? Yeah, that's a very good It's easy.

0:57:39.760 --> 0:57:41.840
<v Speaker 2>Okay, I gotta said that when you said you know

0:57:41.920 --> 0:57:42.960
<v Speaker 2>that you were googling?

0:57:43.280 --> 0:57:44.920
<v Speaker 1>Are they the one? I reckon?

0:57:45.000 --> 0:57:47.160
<v Speaker 2>There are so many people out there who have been

0:57:47.280 --> 0:57:49.640
<v Speaker 2>at that fork in the road or felt these feelings

0:57:49.640 --> 0:57:52.600
<v Speaker 2>of anxiety in a relationship, and that is the Google search,

0:57:52.720 --> 0:57:54.120
<v Speaker 2>like how do you know if they're the one?

0:57:54.240 --> 0:57:57.360
<v Speaker 1>You know? And for an answer, hoping for Google.

0:57:57.000 --> 0:57:59.640
<v Speaker 2>To literally just be like this is it, this is

0:57:59.640 --> 0:58:03.920
<v Speaker 2>your But there's so much more to unpack in that, And.

0:58:03.960 --> 0:58:05.880
<v Speaker 1>Well, this is why Marx does what he does, because

0:58:05.880 --> 0:58:07.600
<v Speaker 1>he googled I either one didn't get his right answer,

0:58:07.600 --> 0:58:09.320
<v Speaker 1>so now he's like, I will be the answer for

0:58:09.400 --> 0:58:10.080
<v Speaker 1>everyone else.

0:58:10.240 --> 0:58:12.200
<v Speaker 2>I also think that if you're ever at a point

0:58:12.240 --> 0:58:14.640
<v Speaker 2>in your relationship where you're googling are they the one?

0:58:14.680 --> 0:58:17.000
<v Speaker 1>They're not? They're probably not the fuck and one. That's

0:58:17.040 --> 0:58:18.960
<v Speaker 1>a pretty good litmus test.

0:58:19.520 --> 0:58:22.520
<v Speaker 4>I think the you know, the important question If someone

0:58:22.520 --> 0:58:26.080
<v Speaker 4>had asked me, then would your growth be staying or leaving?

0:58:26.680 --> 0:58:29.960
<v Speaker 4>My growth would have been leaving. And I think that's

0:58:30.000 --> 0:58:33.800
<v Speaker 4>important for people to what is abandoning yourself staying or

0:58:33.920 --> 0:58:37.440
<v Speaker 4>leaving because sometimes you know for a lot of people,

0:58:38.120 --> 0:58:39.840
<v Speaker 4>and I would say, what it's true for me then,

0:58:39.960 --> 0:58:42.800
<v Speaker 4>but I just didn't know is I was actually super

0:58:42.880 --> 0:58:46.800
<v Speaker 4>terrified of someone loving me. So she wanted you know,

0:58:46.880 --> 0:58:49.440
<v Speaker 4>she is an incredible woman, and that's what was so hard?

0:58:49.560 --> 0:58:51.840
<v Speaker 4>Is that? Like, why do I have this really incredible

0:58:51.880 --> 0:58:53.880
<v Speaker 4>woman and I don't want to be in a relationship

0:58:53.880 --> 0:58:55.800
<v Speaker 4>with her, you know, so I think you know you're

0:58:55.880 --> 0:58:58.320
<v Speaker 4>right when you're starting to ask that, I would say

0:58:58.360 --> 0:59:01.560
<v Speaker 4>that you're in a beautiful beginning to a journey of understanding.

0:59:02.080 --> 0:59:04.560
<v Speaker 4>It's not a bad thing to google something like that

0:59:04.680 --> 0:59:07.720
<v Speaker 4>or ask that question. It actually means you care deeply

0:59:07.800 --> 0:59:11.520
<v Speaker 4>about what you're giving your choice to. You know, what

0:59:11.560 --> 0:59:14.000
<v Speaker 4>a beautiful gift it is to be chosen by someone

0:59:14.040 --> 0:59:16.680
<v Speaker 4>and to choose, like when we recognize the value of that,

0:59:16.760 --> 0:59:19.880
<v Speaker 4>like I'm going to be with you over anybody else

0:59:19.960 --> 0:59:23.520
<v Speaker 4>that I could choose. Gosh, when you recognize the power

0:59:23.600 --> 0:59:27.160
<v Speaker 4>like that, what like, then you might do the work

0:59:27.160 --> 0:59:29.000
<v Speaker 4>a little more too. You know, you don't let your

0:59:29.000 --> 0:59:30.720
<v Speaker 4>shit slide as much as.

0:59:31.080 --> 0:59:33.640
<v Speaker 1>My sister and I would call it the front porch tests.

0:59:33.720 --> 0:59:36.360
<v Speaker 1>Just if you think, can you picture yourself in like

0:59:36.520 --> 0:59:40.200
<v Speaker 1>fifty or sixty sitting on the front porch next to

0:59:40.240 --> 0:59:42.800
<v Speaker 1>someone in silent having to tea, having a little chat,

0:59:42.840 --> 0:59:44.840
<v Speaker 1>having a giel. Can you picture yourself with them on

0:59:44.840 --> 0:59:46.320
<v Speaker 1>the front porch in that amount of time? That's what

0:59:46.320 --> 0:59:47.720
<v Speaker 1>we always say, And I don't like, I don't know

0:59:47.720 --> 0:59:48.920
<v Speaker 1>where we got that from. And I don't know if

0:59:48.960 --> 0:59:51.840
<v Speaker 1>that's too deep or that's probably setting our standards PEP,

0:59:52.760 --> 0:59:54.200
<v Speaker 1>But yeah, I mean you can take you can use

0:59:54.240 --> 0:59:56.720
<v Speaker 1>that if you want. Try about Brittany Hookly.

0:59:56.840 --> 0:59:58.280
<v Speaker 4>I love it. That's going to be a I'm going

0:59:58.360 --> 0:59:58.960
<v Speaker 4>to share that one.

0:59:59.000 --> 1:00:00.640
<v Speaker 2>I wanted to ask you a little about in your

1:00:00.720 --> 1:00:03.520
<v Speaker 2>very first engagement and people like, no, no, no, it's you know,

1:00:03.560 --> 1:00:06.560
<v Speaker 2>you're just just scared to get married. This idea that

1:00:06.840 --> 1:00:10.520
<v Speaker 2>maybe men are more commitment phobic than women. How do

1:00:10.600 --> 1:00:13.640
<v Speaker 2>you see commitment as in like the whole conversation around

1:00:13.680 --> 1:00:16.640
<v Speaker 2>like there are a commitment phobe in a relationship. Do

1:00:16.640 --> 1:00:18.720
<v Speaker 2>you see it being more a male issue than a

1:00:18.760 --> 1:00:21.160
<v Speaker 2>female issue, or being more a gendered thing, or do

1:00:21.200 --> 1:00:23.439
<v Speaker 2>you think that we've just kind of lumped men into

1:00:23.440 --> 1:00:26.360
<v Speaker 2>the same basket and been like, well, men, we have

1:00:26.400 --> 1:00:29.640
<v Speaker 2>commitment issues. Women have other issues, but commitment phobic seems

1:00:29.680 --> 1:00:32.600
<v Speaker 2>to be a more like gendered specific problem.

1:00:32.840 --> 1:00:35.400
<v Speaker 4>Yeah. I agree. It certainly has been more assigned to men.

1:00:35.560 --> 1:00:38.960
<v Speaker 4>In the research, women actually get more bored of monogamy faster.

1:00:39.320 --> 1:00:41.800
<v Speaker 4>So that shows you how much our cultural messaging is

1:00:41.840 --> 1:00:45.520
<v Speaker 4>so different than our actual experience. Yeah, you know, like

1:00:45.880 --> 1:00:49.520
<v Speaker 4>when I consider a fear of commitment, because I think,

1:00:49.680 --> 1:00:53.160
<v Speaker 4>regardless of someone's gender, that is a very common feeling

1:00:53.520 --> 1:00:56.440
<v Speaker 4>afraid of closeness. I started to write about that recently

1:00:56.480 --> 1:00:58.800
<v Speaker 4>because I was thinking, it's not actually that people are

1:00:58.800 --> 1:01:01.920
<v Speaker 4>afraid of commitment, it's that they're afraid of what commitment

1:01:01.920 --> 1:01:05.440
<v Speaker 4>has brought to them in their past heartbreak, betrayal, and

1:01:05.520 --> 1:01:09.080
<v Speaker 4>you know, that really being likely framed by our childhood

1:01:09.400 --> 1:01:12.720
<v Speaker 4>but also as adults. You know, like I was terrified

1:01:12.760 --> 1:01:16.480
<v Speaker 4>of commitment because I thought it meant me abandoning myself.

1:01:16.560 --> 1:01:19.560
<v Speaker 4>I thought it meant a woman leaving me, cheating on me,

1:01:19.800 --> 1:01:22.200
<v Speaker 4>lying to me, and I didn't know all those stories

1:01:22.200 --> 1:01:25.480
<v Speaker 4>were living below my fear of commitment. It was so

1:01:25.560 --> 1:01:27.440
<v Speaker 4>easy to just label me with that. And you know,

1:01:27.480 --> 1:01:29.560
<v Speaker 4>when I said to people I was scared to get

1:01:29.560 --> 1:01:32.560
<v Speaker 4>married or I was feeling anxious, that reply was so

1:01:32.720 --> 1:01:36.720
<v Speaker 4>dismissive to me. It felt I was angry because I thought, here,

1:01:36.800 --> 1:01:39.880
<v Speaker 4>you want men who speak about their emotions and express them,

1:01:39.880 --> 1:01:42.000
<v Speaker 4>and you just told me that I don't actually feel

1:01:42.000 --> 1:01:44.959
<v Speaker 4>the way I told you. I feel. That pissed me off,

1:01:45.160 --> 1:01:48.760
<v Speaker 4>you know, and that it really did, and it really

1:01:48.800 --> 1:01:51.280
<v Speaker 4>made me want to understand it on a deeper level.

1:01:51.400 --> 1:01:53.439
<v Speaker 4>And so I think fear of commitment is really fear

1:01:53.440 --> 1:01:56.680
<v Speaker 4>of closeness. It's a fear of closeness because closeness has

1:01:56.760 --> 1:01:59.880
<v Speaker 4>led to pain. So you know, it's really people express

1:02:00.160 --> 1:02:03.280
<v Speaker 4>in three ways in relationship. One the express secure and

1:02:03.360 --> 1:02:06.120
<v Speaker 4>secure would be my partner's needs matter as much as

1:02:06.160 --> 1:02:08.920
<v Speaker 4>my own, not less than my own, not more than

1:02:08.960 --> 1:02:12.120
<v Speaker 4>my own. And the other one would be my partner's

1:02:12.160 --> 1:02:14.640
<v Speaker 4>needs matter more right, and that would be I'm afraid

1:02:14.680 --> 1:02:17.680
<v Speaker 4>of space, I'm afraid of distance, and the other one

1:02:17.680 --> 1:02:20.800
<v Speaker 4>would be I'm afraid of closeness. You know, in an

1:02:20.840 --> 1:02:24.400
<v Speaker 4>attach that's really attachment style, secure versus anxious, I'm afraid

1:02:24.440 --> 1:02:27.800
<v Speaker 4>of space and versus avoidant, I'm afraid of not having space.

1:02:28.040 --> 1:02:30.640
<v Speaker 4>It's so fascinating, though, that we end up in relationship

1:02:30.680 --> 1:02:33.600
<v Speaker 4>with the person who if we're afraid of space, they're

1:02:33.640 --> 1:02:36.120
<v Speaker 4>the ones who need space, and so when they need space,

1:02:36.480 --> 1:02:38.560
<v Speaker 4>it triggers us. And so you could see how that

1:02:39.120 --> 1:02:41.560
<v Speaker 4>perfect sort of the universe loves to put us with

1:02:41.600 --> 1:02:43.560
<v Speaker 4>those people so we can deal with our shit.

1:02:44.160 --> 1:02:46.440
<v Speaker 1>Mark, I have a question for all the single people,

1:02:46.440 --> 1:02:47.919
<v Speaker 1>and I was I was turning with a friend about

1:02:47.920 --> 1:02:51.680
<v Speaker 1>this just a couple of days ago, dating fatigue for

1:02:51.760 --> 1:02:54.320
<v Speaker 1>these people, and I've been there, Like, trust me, I

1:02:54.400 --> 1:02:57.360
<v Speaker 1>was there, I'm probably gonna be there again soon when

1:02:57.400 --> 1:03:00.200
<v Speaker 1>you just are like I can't do it anymore or

1:03:00.200 --> 1:03:03.280
<v Speaker 1>it's so soul crushing, I'm exhausted, I'm sick of going

1:03:03.320 --> 1:03:05.120
<v Speaker 1>to meet people. I'm sick of telling my story, I'm

1:03:05.160 --> 1:03:09.480
<v Speaker 1>sick of being rejected, saying no, starting over. Then the

1:03:09.560 --> 1:03:11.400
<v Speaker 1>feelings that come with it. Am I ever going to

1:03:11.400 --> 1:03:13.120
<v Speaker 1>be the one? Why aren't I enough? Why aren't they

1:03:13.120 --> 1:03:15.640
<v Speaker 1>picking me? I feel like it can be like a

1:03:15.680 --> 1:03:18.040
<v Speaker 1>snowball effect, and then we hit this point where we're like,

1:03:18.080 --> 1:03:19.880
<v Speaker 1>fuck it, I'm done, I'm not dating again. And we

1:03:19.920 --> 1:03:23.720
<v Speaker 1>call that dating fatigue. What's your advice around that? Do

1:03:23.760 --> 1:03:27.400
<v Speaker 1>you encourage being like cool, take some time off, just relax,

1:03:27.480 --> 1:03:29.560
<v Speaker 1>get back into it. Do you encourage people to keep

1:03:29.560 --> 1:03:31.800
<v Speaker 1>pushing through because the one's not going to burst into

1:03:31.840 --> 1:03:34.280
<v Speaker 1>their room, fall on their lap and say let's get married.

1:03:34.480 --> 1:03:35.600
<v Speaker 1>What's your advice around it?

1:03:36.040 --> 1:03:38.760
<v Speaker 4>First off, if the one does that, that's probably kind

1:03:38.760 --> 1:03:42.240
<v Speaker 4>of creepy. They're a sociopathic then they're nuts.

1:03:42.400 --> 1:03:43.000
<v Speaker 1>Red flag.

1:03:43.680 --> 1:03:46.520
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I do think there's a lot of value in

1:03:46.720 --> 1:03:49.760
<v Speaker 4>honoring your feeling of fatigue, because really what it's saying

1:03:50.240 --> 1:03:53.080
<v Speaker 4>is it's informing you that the way one is doing

1:03:53.120 --> 1:03:56.600
<v Speaker 4>it is not productive or in alignment in some way.

1:03:57.320 --> 1:03:57.560
<v Speaker 1>You know.

1:03:57.880 --> 1:04:01.600
<v Speaker 4>I'd say, if you're getting thoughts or feelings of like

1:04:01.680 --> 1:04:05.240
<v Speaker 4>why never me? Why is no one's that's actually really

1:04:05.280 --> 1:04:08.560
<v Speaker 4>important information because it shows you where you go into victim.

1:04:08.840 --> 1:04:11.280
<v Speaker 4>When you know, when you're dating someone and they have

1:04:11.400 --> 1:04:15.560
<v Speaker 4>that energetic it's pretty hard to choose, you know, Like

1:04:15.880 --> 1:04:17.920
<v Speaker 4>who wants to go on dates with people who are

1:04:17.960 --> 1:04:22.200
<v Speaker 4>constantly MOPI? You know, it's not you're not leaving empowered,

1:04:22.560 --> 1:04:24.160
<v Speaker 4>you know. I think a lot of we don't do

1:04:24.240 --> 1:04:26.720
<v Speaker 4>a often do audits of our lives to say what

1:04:27.160 --> 1:04:32.920
<v Speaker 4>choices am I making that give me energy? And dating

1:04:33.000 --> 1:04:36.760
<v Speaker 4>should be fun? Like dating actually should be a fun process.

1:04:37.160 --> 1:04:40.040
<v Speaker 4>It's the stories we tell ourselves around dating and also

1:04:40.160 --> 1:04:43.800
<v Speaker 4>often recognizing that we don't realize we even have the choice.

1:04:43.840 --> 1:04:45.800
<v Speaker 4>I remember working I've worked with lots of people who

1:04:45.840 --> 1:04:49.080
<v Speaker 4>would say, oh, so, like I don't really want to

1:04:49.120 --> 1:04:51.080
<v Speaker 4>go on another date with them, but I went and

1:04:51.120 --> 1:04:53.480
<v Speaker 4>I was like, why why would you do that?

1:04:53.800 --> 1:04:53.920
<v Speaker 1>Like?

1:04:54.200 --> 1:04:56.320
<v Speaker 4>And she was I remember one client saying, so I

1:04:56.400 --> 1:04:58.080
<v Speaker 4>don't have to go on a second date if I

1:04:58.120 --> 1:04:58.640
<v Speaker 4>don't want.

1:04:58.520 --> 1:04:58.720
<v Speaker 1>To do it.

1:04:58.760 --> 1:05:02.000
<v Speaker 4>I was like, no, oh my god, but what a

1:05:02.120 --> 1:05:05.960
<v Speaker 4>waste of one's time. But also, you know where did

1:05:06.000 --> 1:05:09.080
<v Speaker 4>that story come from? And I think there is an

1:05:09.120 --> 1:05:13.240
<v Speaker 4>important shift of mindset that has to happen. That dating

1:05:13.440 --> 1:05:17.400
<v Speaker 4>can be such an empowering and healing process because I

1:05:17.440 --> 1:05:19.720
<v Speaker 4>get to see where are my boundaries? Where are they not?

1:05:19.920 --> 1:05:21.880
<v Speaker 4>Where do I go on dates that I had a

1:05:21.880 --> 1:05:25.640
<v Speaker 4>feeling earlier I shouldn't have done that? So if it's

1:05:25.640 --> 1:05:28.720
<v Speaker 4>starting to exhaust you, then I would actually look again

1:05:28.800 --> 1:05:31.840
<v Speaker 4>at your strategy, you know, and who are you swiping

1:05:31.920 --> 1:05:33.840
<v Speaker 4>right and left? You can you get better at that?

1:05:34.000 --> 1:05:37.360
<v Speaker 4>I've looked at people use their fucking app and I'm like,

1:05:37.640 --> 1:05:39.920
<v Speaker 4>how do you swipe right to that? Like I couldn't

1:05:39.920 --> 1:05:42.920
<v Speaker 4>even believe it. There's so many red flags, like I

1:05:43.000 --> 1:05:44.720
<v Speaker 4>just want to knock their phone out of their hand,

1:05:44.920 --> 1:05:47.280
<v Speaker 4>you know. And I think if we've never taken time

1:05:47.360 --> 1:05:50.919
<v Speaker 4>to actually learn how to date, you learn how to date,

1:05:51.240 --> 1:05:53.400
<v Speaker 4>how to be good at it, how to actually you

1:05:53.400 --> 1:05:55.520
<v Speaker 4>know again, you have to get to know what you value.

1:05:55.800 --> 1:05:58.320
<v Speaker 4>You have to get to know what you're actually looking for.

1:05:58.440 --> 1:06:00.920
<v Speaker 4>A lot of people say I don't know. I'm like, bullshit,

1:06:01.440 --> 1:06:04.640
<v Speaker 4>you know below that I don't want to declare something

1:06:04.840 --> 1:06:07.320
<v Speaker 4>because I don't want to be disappointed. And then when

1:06:07.320 --> 1:06:09.040
<v Speaker 4>I meet someone and they go, I'm not really looking

1:06:09.080 --> 1:06:11.920
<v Speaker 4>for anything serious, and I'm like, oh, neither am I bullshit.

1:06:12.200 --> 1:06:14.680
<v Speaker 4>You're just saying that so that you can maintain a

1:06:14.720 --> 1:06:18.040
<v Speaker 4>connection to avoid actually having to sit in the discomfort

1:06:18.040 --> 1:06:21.320
<v Speaker 4>of yourself. Which if you could do that, if you

1:06:21.360 --> 1:06:24.560
<v Speaker 4>can sit in the uncomfortable space of yourself, then no

1:06:24.640 --> 1:06:27.000
<v Speaker 4>longer will you be drawn to people who you're trying

1:06:27.040 --> 1:06:28.000
<v Speaker 4>to fill that space with.

1:06:28.520 --> 1:06:30.960
<v Speaker 1>You're like, I don't want dessert me either. You don't

1:06:30.960 --> 1:06:32.080
<v Speaker 1>want that dessert? Order it.

1:06:32.280 --> 1:06:34.720
<v Speaker 2>But also like on this, I think that there's so

1:06:34.800 --> 1:06:38.240
<v Speaker 2>many people who they're frightened to ask questions in early

1:06:38.280 --> 1:06:40.400
<v Speaker 2>on in dating, So you end up in these situationships

1:06:40.400 --> 1:06:42.600
<v Speaker 2>that like go on for forever because they're too scared

1:06:42.640 --> 1:06:43.840
<v Speaker 2>to ask what do you want?

1:06:43.920 --> 1:06:46.040
<v Speaker 1>What are we where are we heading the questions that

1:06:46.080 --> 1:06:46.400
<v Speaker 1>we want?

1:06:46.480 --> 1:06:48.880
<v Speaker 2>You do you like things that would put some definition

1:06:48.960 --> 1:06:52.280
<v Speaker 2>around whatever is happening and whether you're actually compatible. We're

1:06:52.320 --> 1:06:54.640
<v Speaker 2>too scared of the answer because we don't want the

1:06:54.680 --> 1:06:56.919
<v Speaker 2>rejection that comes with the answer to ask the question

1:06:56.960 --> 1:06:58.919
<v Speaker 2>in the first place, and a lot of people will

1:06:58.960 --> 1:07:02.000
<v Speaker 2>avoid it, and so therefore they become more invested in

1:07:02.080 --> 1:07:04.280
<v Speaker 2>something that they really shouldn't have been invested in the

1:07:04.280 --> 1:07:06.280
<v Speaker 2>first place because there was a misalignment.

1:07:06.520 --> 1:07:09.280
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, the whole irony of that that I'm afraid to

1:07:09.360 --> 1:07:12.720
<v Speaker 4>declare these things or get information about these things because

1:07:12.720 --> 1:07:15.760
<v Speaker 4>I'm afraid of them maybe not being the one or

1:07:15.840 --> 1:07:19.040
<v Speaker 4>feeling rejected when not declaring them or asking them is

1:07:19.080 --> 1:07:23.400
<v Speaker 4>actually rejecting oneself. It's not saying I trust that I

1:07:23.440 --> 1:07:25.560
<v Speaker 4>can find what I'm looking for and that I'm worthy

1:07:25.600 --> 1:07:28.560
<v Speaker 4>of that thing. So every time you don't ask that question,

1:07:29.480 --> 1:07:33.400
<v Speaker 4>to keep the one, which by definition, they're not the one. Like,

1:07:33.520 --> 1:07:36.360
<v Speaker 4>by definition, if they don't want what you want and

1:07:36.400 --> 1:07:39.080
<v Speaker 4>they don't choose you back, they're just not the one.

1:07:39.200 --> 1:07:42.280
<v Speaker 4>Like that, the qualifier of someone being your person is

1:07:42.320 --> 1:07:45.080
<v Speaker 4>that they want you to be their person. Like, that's

1:07:45.120 --> 1:07:46.520
<v Speaker 4>so simple, spoil life.

1:07:46.520 --> 1:07:48.200
<v Speaker 1>If they don't want you, then not a height.

1:07:48.320 --> 1:07:51.320
<v Speaker 4>And that's so civil. I say to people, like, don't

1:07:51.400 --> 1:07:54.680
<v Speaker 4>just give someone the title allow them to become it,

1:07:54.800 --> 1:07:57.840
<v Speaker 4>because what that means is that you're being discerning in

1:07:57.880 --> 1:08:02.600
<v Speaker 4>the process, and you're you're allowing yourself to observe the

1:08:02.680 --> 1:08:06.280
<v Speaker 4>connection if you live in a world where connections are scarce,

1:08:06.680 --> 1:08:10.040
<v Speaker 4>which is only true if you believe it, then you're

1:08:10.120 --> 1:08:12.520
<v Speaker 4>going to hold on to anything even if it is

1:08:12.560 --> 1:08:14.960
<v Speaker 4>not a good fit. And every time you hold up

1:08:14.960 --> 1:08:17.759
<v Speaker 4>space with not a good fit, you don't create space

1:08:17.800 --> 1:08:20.400
<v Speaker 4>for the right fit. You waste your time in a

1:08:20.400 --> 1:08:23.400
<v Speaker 4>world trying to make the story different than it actually

1:08:23.439 --> 1:08:26.880
<v Speaker 4>should be, which, to be fair, the pain of that

1:08:26.920 --> 1:08:28.840
<v Speaker 4>awareness is to wake you up to that truth.

1:08:29.120 --> 1:08:31.680
<v Speaker 1>I'm comany with a hard question, Mark, Let's do it

1:08:31.800 --> 1:08:36.880
<v Speaker 1>fireworks and explosions versus the slow burn. Do you think

1:08:36.960 --> 1:08:39.519
<v Speaker 1>you have to have that explosion on the first date

1:08:39.600 --> 1:08:43.400
<v Speaker 1>in this like chemistry that's all consuming, or do you

1:08:43.439 --> 1:08:45.760
<v Speaker 1>think you can have a really nice time You don't

1:08:45.760 --> 1:08:48.439
<v Speaker 1>feel that overwhelming sense of spark, but you're like, well

1:08:48.479 --> 1:08:50.599
<v Speaker 1>it was nice, he's really nice. He wants what I want,

1:08:50.640 --> 1:08:52.800
<v Speaker 1>they want what I want. Should I go on a

1:08:52.840 --> 1:08:54.559
<v Speaker 1>second day? Do you think do you believe in the

1:08:54.600 --> 1:08:57.479
<v Speaker 1>slow burn as much as you do the fireworks?

1:08:57.840 --> 1:09:00.559
<v Speaker 4>I mean, I would choose slow burn all day, you know,

1:09:00.640 --> 1:09:03.519
<v Speaker 4>I think the reason I say that is one. Your

1:09:03.600 --> 1:09:06.559
<v Speaker 4>nervous system isn't hijacked, so you're actually able to observe

1:09:06.640 --> 1:09:10.280
<v Speaker 4>and make good decisions. Ideally. I remember listening to Alice

1:09:10.320 --> 1:09:12.880
<v Speaker 4>and Armstrong, who's teacher. I remember she said, if it's

1:09:12.920 --> 1:09:15.000
<v Speaker 4>a ten out of ten in chemistry, it's a no.

1:09:15.640 --> 1:09:18.960
<v Speaker 4>And I remember thinking to myself, Well, that doesn't make

1:09:19.000 --> 1:09:22.480
<v Speaker 4>any sense. That's total bullshit. Now I totally actually understand

1:09:22.520 --> 1:09:27.439
<v Speaker 4>that because the real haywire chemistry is usually a trauma bond.

1:09:27.600 --> 1:09:30.080
<v Speaker 4>You know, to be fair, it's usually like a distraction

1:09:30.520 --> 1:09:33.200
<v Speaker 4>from actually getting to the thing we want. And I

1:09:33.200 --> 1:09:35.400
<v Speaker 4>think those are the ultimate tests. It's like, are you

1:09:35.439 --> 1:09:37.200
<v Speaker 4>going to say no to what you know? Is an

1:09:37.200 --> 1:09:40.479
<v Speaker 4>old pattern to sit in the space of discomfort of

1:09:40.520 --> 1:09:43.559
<v Speaker 4>trusting that what you actually want will arrive. And what's

1:09:43.600 --> 1:09:46.960
<v Speaker 4>beautiful about that moment of lingering longer than you ever

1:09:47.000 --> 1:09:50.160
<v Speaker 4>have is you begin to arrive within your own heart,

1:09:50.200 --> 1:09:54.920
<v Speaker 4>within your own body, the slow burn. What's nice about it,

1:09:55.000 --> 1:09:58.680
<v Speaker 4>at least, I'd say the one qualifier to it is

1:09:58.720 --> 1:10:01.280
<v Speaker 4>that you need to be I did about the next date.

1:10:01.640 --> 1:10:04.280
<v Speaker 4>That was my only qualifier when I went on a date.

1:10:04.439 --> 1:10:07.320
<v Speaker 4>Am I excited to get to know them more and

1:10:07.360 --> 1:10:10.880
<v Speaker 4>to go on another date. If that wasn't there, then

1:10:11.360 --> 1:10:15.120
<v Speaker 4>I just didn't pursue it. And I also made a

1:10:15.200 --> 1:10:19.519
<v Speaker 4>rule change because I used to operate chemistry forward first,

1:10:19.840 --> 1:10:22.760
<v Speaker 4>and I remember having this awareness when I was doing

1:10:22.800 --> 1:10:26.800
<v Speaker 4>a meditation of just like, wow, I've used intimacy to

1:10:26.920 --> 1:10:30.839
<v Speaker 4>decide if someone is a good fit rather than feeling

1:10:30.960 --> 1:10:34.040
<v Speaker 4>like they're actually a great fit. To know that the

1:10:34.080 --> 1:10:38.160
<v Speaker 4>next step is intimacy like that, Actually the qualifier is

1:10:38.200 --> 1:10:42.559
<v Speaker 4>that there is something to then go there rather than

1:10:42.720 --> 1:10:44.920
<v Speaker 4>I'm going there to figure out if there is something.

1:10:45.560 --> 1:10:50.000
<v Speaker 4>That switch for me was everything because finally it wasn't

1:10:50.040 --> 1:10:54.280
<v Speaker 4>like a horny, heartbroken teenager man in his early man

1:10:54.360 --> 1:10:56.839
<v Speaker 4>is a strong term in his early twenties, with frosted

1:10:56.840 --> 1:10:59.439
<v Speaker 4>tips and a puka shell necklace. It was I would

1:10:59.479 --> 1:11:03.640
<v Speaker 4>love to say frosted TIBs right. It was actually an

1:11:03.720 --> 1:11:07.360
<v Speaker 4>adult starting to date. That was a big transitionary moment

1:11:07.400 --> 1:11:07.640
<v Speaker 4>for me.

1:11:08.040 --> 1:11:10.519
<v Speaker 2>Mark, you have an exceptional podcast of your own. It

1:11:10.640 --> 1:11:14.599
<v Speaker 2>is aptly called the Mark Groves Podcast. Who has been

1:11:15.000 --> 1:11:17.480
<v Speaker 2>your favorite guest that you have had on the podcast?

1:11:18.120 --> 1:11:21.639
<v Speaker 4>Oh? Wow, gosh, that's a hard question.

1:11:21.920 --> 1:11:24.040
<v Speaker 1>I mean, we haven't been on that yet so otherwise

1:11:24.040 --> 1:11:24.840
<v Speaker 1>that would be the answer.

1:11:25.080 --> 1:11:27.519
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, yeah, we need to ring that on. I'd say,

1:11:27.520 --> 1:11:29.360
<v Speaker 4>it's a tie. Can I give a tie?

1:11:30.200 --> 1:11:31.040
<v Speaker 1>Get whatever you want?

1:11:32.520 --> 1:11:36.120
<v Speaker 4>Well, it's your rules, your show, I would say. Zach

1:11:36.240 --> 1:11:39.160
<v Speaker 4>Bush was one of my favorite who's a physician who

1:11:40.200 --> 1:11:44.439
<v Speaker 4>studies the microbiome and soil, but originally started as an

1:11:44.439 --> 1:11:48.240
<v Speaker 4>internist and impalliative care. And that was transformative for me

1:11:48.360 --> 1:11:51.360
<v Speaker 4>because he talked about the relationship to the earth and

1:11:51.479 --> 1:11:55.040
<v Speaker 4>viruses and the microbiome and just how everything in the

1:11:55.200 --> 1:11:58.880
<v Speaker 4>universe is working together with us. That was just I've

1:11:58.920 --> 1:12:01.879
<v Speaker 4>had him on twice and they're both my most popular

1:12:01.920 --> 1:12:05.360
<v Speaker 4>episodes for people. And then I'd say one of the

1:12:05.400 --> 1:12:08.960
<v Speaker 4>most powerful speakers I've heard in the last he's been

1:12:08.960 --> 1:12:11.360
<v Speaker 4>a big teacher of mine for the last couple of years.

1:12:11.560 --> 1:12:15.160
<v Speaker 4>Is a psychotherapist and he calls himself a soul activist

1:12:15.240 --> 1:12:18.479
<v Speaker 4>and his name is Francis Weller, and he just has

1:12:19.080 --> 1:12:22.559
<v Speaker 4>When I was going through the breakup with Kylie, I

1:12:22.640 --> 1:12:25.360
<v Speaker 4>found his words actually through her. She shared them with

1:12:25.439 --> 1:12:28.840
<v Speaker 4>me and I went on an adventure and he talked

1:12:28.880 --> 1:12:33.400
<v Speaker 4>about how the soul likes to keep us on the

1:12:33.520 --> 1:12:36.799
<v Speaker 4>edge of darkness. That's where it dwells, the power of darkness,

1:12:36.840 --> 1:12:40.120
<v Speaker 4>that our heart's beat in the dark, that the decay

1:12:40.400 --> 1:12:44.040
<v Speaker 4>of leaves is the transition of birth. And I needed

1:12:44.040 --> 1:12:45.760
<v Speaker 4>to hear all of those things because I felt like

1:12:45.840 --> 1:12:49.200
<v Speaker 4>I was swimming in the heaviness of pain and it

1:12:49.280 --> 1:12:52.400
<v Speaker 4>was really teaching me that pain was just so transformative.

1:12:52.680 --> 1:12:54.120
<v Speaker 4>And it was the first time I'd ever gone through

1:12:54.120 --> 1:12:58.599
<v Speaker 4>a breakup sober, so I was forced to sit through

1:12:58.960 --> 1:13:01.920
<v Speaker 4>all these things and that ended up that breakup ended

1:13:01.960 --> 1:13:03.880
<v Speaker 4>up being one of the greatest gifts. And he has

1:13:03.920 --> 1:13:07.040
<v Speaker 4>one line that I just love where he says that

1:13:07.120 --> 1:13:11.280
<v Speaker 4>we spend our lives trying to seek belonging, to finally

1:13:11.320 --> 1:13:14.080
<v Speaker 4>be chosen, and at some point we have to become

1:13:14.160 --> 1:13:18.120
<v Speaker 4>the place of welcome. And that really to me was

1:13:18.400 --> 1:13:20.439
<v Speaker 4>like I spent so much of my life wanting to

1:13:20.439 --> 1:13:23.160
<v Speaker 4>be chosen, wanting to be loved, wanting to be enough,

1:13:23.760 --> 1:13:26.840
<v Speaker 4>And it was through that breakup where I feel like

1:13:27.520 --> 1:13:31.400
<v Speaker 4>turned around finally and wanted to become a place of

1:13:31.479 --> 1:13:34.519
<v Speaker 4>welcome for other people. And so, yeah, his work has

1:13:34.520 --> 1:13:36.720
<v Speaker 4>been really transformative for me. That's a great question, by

1:13:36.720 --> 1:13:37.320
<v Speaker 4>the way, Thank you.

1:13:37.920 --> 1:13:41.280
<v Speaker 1>I think that's something that almost everyone will resonate with

1:13:41.479 --> 1:13:43.280
<v Speaker 1>is the feeling of wanting to be chosen and wanting

1:13:43.320 --> 1:13:44.720
<v Speaker 1>to be the one and wanting to be loved. And

1:13:44.840 --> 1:13:47.080
<v Speaker 1>I think that so many people going to relate to that.

1:13:47.160 --> 1:13:48.800
<v Speaker 1>But Mark, I just feel like I just had an

1:13:48.840 --> 1:13:52.280
<v Speaker 1>amazing therapy session. I've been walked on every word from

1:13:52.400 --> 1:13:55.600
<v Speaker 1>the very beginning. I can't thank you enough for finally

1:13:55.920 --> 1:13:58.160
<v Speaker 1>coming on the podcast. You were a very difficult man

1:13:58.160 --> 1:13:59.880
<v Speaker 1>to get ahold of. But hey, you're very indo.

1:14:00.880 --> 1:14:04.240
<v Speaker 4>I'm so grateful to be on here and to finally

1:14:04.320 --> 1:14:09.080
<v Speaker 4>have made it on. You know, I'll blame it on you, Yeah, blame.

1:14:08.840 --> 1:14:11.320
<v Speaker 1>It on We kept on postponing. We're so busy.

1:14:12.600 --> 1:14:17.520
<v Speaker 4>Speaking of responsibility, for anybody who wants to find your Instagram,

1:14:17.600 --> 1:14:20.160
<v Speaker 4>can you share all your handles so that they can

1:14:21.080 --> 1:14:24.080
<v Speaker 4>connect with you or follow you along listen to your podcast?

1:14:24.240 --> 1:14:25.120
<v Speaker 1>Where can I find you?

1:14:25.520 --> 1:14:28.799
<v Speaker 4>Yeah? So, first off, honestly, thank you so much for

1:14:28.840 --> 1:14:32.040
<v Speaker 4>bringing me on and just trusting me with your people

1:14:32.040 --> 1:14:34.280
<v Speaker 4>who trust you that that really means a lot. You

1:14:34.280 --> 1:14:37.479
<v Speaker 4>can find me on Instagram at Create the Love. You

1:14:37.520 --> 1:14:39.719
<v Speaker 4>can really find me on anywhere at Create the Love.

1:14:40.120 --> 1:14:42.799
<v Speaker 4>And then I also have another Instagram handle called it'smart

1:14:42.800 --> 1:14:45.879
<v Speaker 4>Groves where I talk more about psychologically what's been happening

1:14:45.880 --> 1:14:48.400
<v Speaker 4>in the world for the last couple of years. And

1:14:48.880 --> 1:14:52.599
<v Speaker 4>my podcast you can find anywhere obviously not egoically named

1:14:52.600 --> 1:14:57.200
<v Speaker 4>after me, just for simple simplicity. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

1:14:58.040 --> 1:14:59.960
<v Speaker 4>And I have lots of courses on Create the Love

1:15:00.479 --> 1:15:03.880
<v Speaker 4>where people can work on codependency, they can work on dating,

1:15:03.920 --> 1:15:06.320
<v Speaker 4>they can work through their breakup. There's lots of stuff.

1:15:06.560 --> 1:15:09.800
<v Speaker 1>I just want to finish with a suggestion. I feel

1:15:09.800 --> 1:15:13.479
<v Speaker 1>like you need to have your own little segment of

1:15:13.560 --> 1:15:16.920
<v Speaker 1>like meditative stories or sleep stories on like the car

1:15:17.000 --> 1:15:19.320
<v Speaker 1>map or something, because your voice is so soothy and

1:15:19.360 --> 1:15:22.559
<v Speaker 1>I feel so relaxed listening to you talk. So that's

1:15:22.600 --> 1:15:24.080
<v Speaker 1>my suggestion for you. I want to see you in

1:15:24.160 --> 1:15:24.960
<v Speaker 1>the next felve months.

1:15:25.439 --> 1:15:25.960
<v Speaker 4>I love it.

1:15:26.040 --> 1:15:28.880
<v Speaker 2>Thanks Mark, It has been awesome having you on the podcast.

1:15:29.120 --> 1:15:31.400
<v Speaker 1>Thank you. You are an absolute legend.

1:15:31.720 --> 1:15:32.920
<v Speaker 4>Thank you. I appreciate it.

1:15:33.439 --> 1:15:35.960
<v Speaker 2>You know that we never finish our episode without our

1:15:36.080 --> 1:15:38.240
<v Speaker 2>suck and our sweet, our highlight and our low light

1:15:38.360 --> 1:15:41.400
<v Speaker 2>of each and every week, our suck being the worst

1:15:41.400 --> 1:15:45.400
<v Speaker 2>thing that's happened and the sweet thing the best. Brittany Hockley,

1:15:45.560 --> 1:15:47.120
<v Speaker 2>you can kick it off. What has been your stuck

1:15:47.160 --> 1:15:47.519
<v Speaker 2>for the week?

1:15:47.600 --> 1:15:49.720
<v Speaker 1>Okay, my suck's actually pretty funny. It's not a real stuck,

1:15:49.760 --> 1:15:52.479
<v Speaker 1>but it's funny. I went out on the weekend single

1:15:52.520 --> 1:15:55.519
<v Speaker 1>now going out trying to meet our friends. She's on

1:15:55.560 --> 1:15:58.240
<v Speaker 1>the dating apps, she's living her best single life, trying

1:15:58.240 --> 1:16:00.439
<v Speaker 1>to meet people in the wild. This girl all comes

1:16:00.520 --> 1:16:02.280
<v Speaker 1>up to me and she grabs me on dance floor

1:16:02.280 --> 1:16:04.000
<v Speaker 1>and she was like, oh my god. It was like

1:16:04.040 --> 1:16:06.040
<v Speaker 1>really loud. She's like, oh my god. I thought she

1:16:06.080 --> 1:16:08.439
<v Speaker 1>was gonna say like I love the podcast and I was.

1:16:08.400 --> 1:16:13.080
<v Speaker 3>Like hi, and she was like, my friend loves the podcast.

1:16:13.160 --> 1:16:16.000
<v Speaker 1>And I was like oh okay, and I was like cool.

1:16:16.040 --> 1:16:18.640
<v Speaker 1>She's like she's over there. She will die if she

1:16:18.640 --> 1:16:20.839
<v Speaker 1>can meet you, and I was like yeah, of course.

1:16:21.240 --> 1:16:23.800
<v Speaker 1>So she goes and gets his girl and she brings

1:16:23.840 --> 1:16:26.400
<v Speaker 1>her back and she throws it to me and looks

1:16:26.400 --> 1:16:28.639
<v Speaker 1>at me, and I was like, hey, thinking she loved

1:16:28.680 --> 1:16:30.280
<v Speaker 1>me in the podcast because that's what she said. And

1:16:30.320 --> 1:16:32.559
<v Speaker 1>this girl just looks at me blankly. And then the

1:16:32.560 --> 1:16:33.880
<v Speaker 1>girl looks at the other girl, and then the other

1:16:33.920 --> 1:16:36.439
<v Speaker 1>girl looks at me, and I was like hi, and

1:16:36.479 --> 1:16:40.960
<v Speaker 1>she goes, am I missing something? Oh, and I was like,

1:16:41.439 --> 1:16:43.439
<v Speaker 1>I am so confused and stitch up. I was like,

1:16:43.439 --> 1:16:45.360
<v Speaker 1>I'm saying so confused right now. And she's like, what

1:16:45.400 --> 1:16:48.519
<v Speaker 1>am I missing? And the girl's like it's Brittany and

1:16:48.560 --> 1:16:50.840
<v Speaker 1>she was like what. And the girl leans in and

1:16:50.880 --> 1:16:51.320
<v Speaker 1>she's like.

1:16:51.960 --> 1:16:54.040
<v Speaker 3>From the I could hear it going the podcast and

1:16:54.160 --> 1:16:56.600
<v Speaker 3>she's going what podcast? She's like life on cut She's like,

1:16:56.640 --> 1:16:58.280
<v Speaker 3>you love them? And the girl was like, what are

1:16:58.320 --> 1:17:00.120
<v Speaker 3>you talking about? And it was the most awkward situation

1:17:00.200 --> 1:17:02.160
<v Speaker 3>of my life. She looks at me, she goes, I

1:17:02.160 --> 1:17:03.760
<v Speaker 3>listened to podcasts no idea, hear why?

1:17:03.800 --> 1:17:05.840
<v Speaker 1>And I was like, I don't know what's happening right now,

1:17:05.880 --> 1:17:08.000
<v Speaker 1>but I'm going back to so I don't know. And

1:17:08.040 --> 1:17:09.519
<v Speaker 1>the girl looked at me and she goes, I don't

1:17:09.560 --> 1:17:12.040
<v Speaker 1>know what's happening. I'm so sorry. So I still don't

1:17:12.080 --> 1:17:14.519
<v Speaker 1>know if this girl actually was a fan and then

1:17:14.600 --> 1:17:17.280
<v Speaker 1>just freaked out, or if or if the friend got

1:17:17.280 --> 1:17:19.679
<v Speaker 1>it really mistaken, but it was the most awkward interaction

1:17:19.760 --> 1:17:21.360
<v Speaker 1>of my life. I was like, Okay, this is this

1:17:21.439 --> 1:17:23.440
<v Speaker 1>is a stitch up that I'm not I'm not subscribing

1:17:23.479 --> 1:17:26.320
<v Speaker 1>to this. I didn't did into this situation. Why why

1:17:26.439 --> 1:17:29.360
<v Speaker 1>is this happening to me? And I was allorked embarrassed.

1:17:29.400 --> 1:17:33.559
<v Speaker 1>I was like, oh, why mine? That was my suck?

1:17:33.960 --> 1:17:37.880
<v Speaker 1>My suite of the week is uh, your suck was

1:17:37.920 --> 1:17:40.759
<v Speaker 1>going to be that Delilah vomited in your brand new rug.

1:17:40.840 --> 1:17:43.400
<v Speaker 1>We literally got a brand new rug.

1:17:43.640 --> 1:17:43.880
<v Speaker 4>Good.

1:17:44.280 --> 1:17:46.080
<v Speaker 1>I know, I know you did, but I write this

1:17:46.120 --> 1:17:48.400
<v Speaker 1>shit in my note so that I don't forget. Britt

1:17:48.479 --> 1:17:52.040
<v Speaker 1>got a brand new spanking rug in our studio room.

1:17:52.120 --> 1:17:54.120
<v Speaker 1>You want to see it on our Instagram stories if

1:17:54.120 --> 1:17:55.960
<v Speaker 1>you follow us. It is so nice.

1:17:56.520 --> 1:17:59.559
<v Speaker 2>And then the day, literally the day that the rug arrived,

1:17:59.560 --> 1:18:01.880
<v Speaker 2>the very day that we ever recorded, we were in

1:18:01.920 --> 1:18:04.160
<v Speaker 2>there and we were recording an ask gun cut and

1:18:04.400 --> 1:18:07.400
<v Speaker 2>Delilah sits in the middle of the fucking rug and

1:18:07.439 --> 1:18:10.479
<v Speaker 2>she starts going and I was like, I think your

1:18:10.560 --> 1:18:11.759
<v Speaker 2>dog's about to cop.

1:18:11.640 --> 1:18:13.800
<v Speaker 1>Up a hairball. She doesn't cough up a hairball. She

1:18:13.960 --> 1:18:16.360
<v Speaker 1>projectile vmos, the amount of food dog food that had

1:18:16.400 --> 1:18:18.759
<v Speaker 1>grown human would vomit up if they needed to vomit.

1:18:18.840 --> 1:18:20.960
<v Speaker 1>It was everywhere, And then we had to stop mid

1:18:21.080 --> 1:18:23.760
<v Speaker 1>record and pick chunks of dog vomit out of the

1:18:23.800 --> 1:18:26.400
<v Speaker 1>carpet and then clean it. And then Brits spread so

1:18:26.560 --> 1:18:28.240
<v Speaker 1>much cleaning product in the room that I thought I

1:18:28.280 --> 1:18:31.080
<v Speaker 1>was going to fucking exphyxiate. That was the suck, But

1:18:31.160 --> 1:18:33.400
<v Speaker 1>it was worse because Laura's like, you, dog's about to vomit,

1:18:33.439 --> 1:18:35.160
<v Speaker 1>you know how the dog's heave for a bit, so

1:18:35.240 --> 1:18:37.040
<v Speaker 1>I it was like SlowMo. I got up and ran

1:18:37.080 --> 1:18:38.439
<v Speaker 1>to get her because I was like, if I can

1:18:38.479 --> 1:18:40.080
<v Speaker 1>pick her up and get her out of the room

1:18:40.120 --> 1:18:42.479
<v Speaker 1>in time, she can vomit on the floor. It was

1:18:42.520 --> 1:18:44.320
<v Speaker 1>the one Basically she gave the dog the hind liick

1:18:44.360 --> 1:18:48.519
<v Speaker 1>maneuver and like projectiled it across the fucking rug. So

1:18:48.600 --> 1:18:50.519
<v Speaker 1>I reached out and picked her up and she was

1:18:50.600 --> 1:18:52.280
<v Speaker 1>mid air and I was trying to carry her out

1:18:52.320 --> 1:18:54.599
<v Speaker 1>like a football, and she starts vomiting. So I made

1:18:54.600 --> 1:18:57.400
<v Speaker 1>it worse because it sprayed across the whole rug. Instead

1:18:57.400 --> 1:18:59.680
<v Speaker 1>of like one contained space, there were chunks and it's

1:18:59.680 --> 1:19:02.280
<v Speaker 1>one of those rugs it's like really long and fluffy,

1:19:02.320 --> 1:19:04.479
<v Speaker 1>so the vomit got real deep in there. So that

1:19:04.600 --> 1:19:06.560
<v Speaker 1>was my suck. It was definitely a very it's a

1:19:06.640 --> 1:19:09.679
<v Speaker 1>very high pile rug which is now has dog women

1:19:09.880 --> 1:19:12.519
<v Speaker 1>deeply set into it. So don't worry, brit if you

1:19:12.560 --> 1:19:14.400
<v Speaker 1>ever forget what your suck is, I am here to

1:19:14.439 --> 1:19:16.400
<v Speaker 1>remind you how shit your week is. Yeah. Thanks, I

1:19:16.400 --> 1:19:18.200
<v Speaker 1>do have some really shit weeks, my sweet. You know what,

1:19:18.320 --> 1:19:20.719
<v Speaker 1>my sweet, this week was really really simple. I had

1:19:20.760 --> 1:19:25.280
<v Speaker 1>an amazing Greek meal And that sounds as silly as

1:19:25.280 --> 1:19:27.200
<v Speaker 1>it can get, but that is, my sweet. I just

1:19:27.200 --> 1:19:28.680
<v Speaker 1>had the best you know, when you just sit down

1:19:28.680 --> 1:19:30.280
<v Speaker 1>to a meal and a wine and you're just like,

1:19:30.400 --> 1:19:32.400
<v Speaker 1>this is just like I was living. I was in

1:19:32.439 --> 1:19:34.800
<v Speaker 1>a moment, I was feeling it, I was full, it

1:19:34.840 --> 1:19:37.160
<v Speaker 1>was delicious. I was just like, it was really happy moments.

1:19:37.240 --> 1:19:37.920
<v Speaker 1>That's my sweet.

1:19:38.120 --> 1:19:41.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, like good company, good food. You literally can't beat it.

1:19:41.000 --> 1:19:42.320
<v Speaker 1>Absolutely, what about yours suck?

1:19:42.640 --> 1:19:45.040
<v Speaker 2>So my suck for the week, actually, my suck for

1:19:45.040 --> 1:19:47.840
<v Speaker 2>the week is very similar to the accidentally unfiltered that

1:19:47.880 --> 1:19:48.479
<v Speaker 2>was told today.

1:19:48.760 --> 1:19:50.759
<v Speaker 1>So I just the other.

1:19:50.680 --> 1:19:53.400
<v Speaker 2>Day put on my Instagram how much I'm obsessed with

1:19:53.439 --> 1:19:54.960
<v Speaker 2>this plant that I have. I have a plant which

1:19:55.000 --> 1:19:56.840
<v Speaker 2>I thought was called poison ivy, but apparently it's called

1:19:56.880 --> 1:19:59.599
<v Speaker 2>Devil's ivy, And I'm like, you've seen it in my yard,

1:19:59.640 --> 1:20:02.759
<v Speaker 2>brit This big, beautiful. The leaves are bigger than your face.

1:20:02.880 --> 1:20:04.559
<v Speaker 2>It is fucking amazing this plant.

1:20:04.560 --> 1:20:06.839
<v Speaker 1>I'm pretty sure you don't want poison ivy in your backyard.

1:20:06.920 --> 1:20:08.960
<v Speaker 2>I have had this Devil's ivy since I was like

1:20:09.080 --> 1:20:12.160
<v Speaker 2>nineteen years old. I love it so much, Like I

1:20:12.439 --> 1:20:14.960
<v Speaker 2>take such good care of this plant, and it's like

1:20:14.960 --> 1:20:16.600
<v Speaker 2>one of the only plants I've been able to not

1:20:16.640 --> 1:20:17.400
<v Speaker 2>only just keep.

1:20:17.280 --> 1:20:20.320
<v Speaker 1>Alive, but it has flourished in my care because it's

1:20:20.320 --> 1:20:25.920
<v Speaker 1>an innocuous weed. It's actually weed. Yeah, you can't kill it. Okay.

1:20:26.000 --> 1:20:28.840
<v Speaker 2>However, so I bought online all these actually I didn't

1:20:28.840 --> 1:20:30.080
<v Speaker 2>buy them, I got send them for my birthday, but

1:20:30.080 --> 1:20:32.920
<v Speaker 2>I got sent plant food right like this spray spray

1:20:32.960 --> 1:20:34.960
<v Speaker 2>it on the leaves, you spray it on the soil.

1:20:35.240 --> 1:20:36.280
<v Speaker 1>I've had it. It's amazing.

1:20:36.360 --> 1:20:38.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, all these different things that you like put into

1:20:38.439 --> 1:20:41.120
<v Speaker 2>like granules you put into the soil and everything. Anyway,

1:20:41.200 --> 1:20:43.640
<v Speaker 2>I was like so excited. I decided I'd go and

1:20:43.680 --> 1:20:45.719
<v Speaker 2>like give all my plants around the house like this TLC.

1:20:45.800 --> 1:20:48.320
<v Speaker 2>And I was like spraying my fucking plants with this

1:20:48.400 --> 1:20:51.000
<v Speaker 2>plant food around the house. And then I put the

1:20:51.040 --> 1:20:54.680
<v Speaker 2>plant food down because Molly was doing something and I

1:20:54.720 --> 1:20:56.080
<v Speaker 2>was like ran over to her and they put the

1:20:56.120 --> 1:20:57.880
<v Speaker 2>plant food down on the bench and then I picked

1:20:57.920 --> 1:20:59.559
<v Speaker 2>it back up and I walked out to my Devil's

1:20:59.560 --> 1:21:01.200
<v Speaker 2>iving and I started spraying it, and I was like,

1:21:01.600 --> 1:21:05.200
<v Speaker 2>why does this smell so eucalyptosy? I sprayed my like

1:21:05.600 --> 1:21:08.679
<v Speaker 2>my pride and joy with house cleaning products, a natural

1:21:08.680 --> 1:21:11.920
<v Speaker 2>house cleaning product that I put next to the plant

1:21:11.960 --> 1:21:15.160
<v Speaker 2>food like they are. The packaging looks identical. It is

1:21:15.240 --> 1:21:20.479
<v Speaker 2>like this perfectly natural cleaning products that's full of eucalyptus oil,

1:21:20.520 --> 1:21:22.600
<v Speaker 2>and I sprayed it all over my plants and is

1:21:22.600 --> 1:21:24.639
<v Speaker 2>it dead? Look, it's not dead, but it's pretty unhappy,

1:21:24.720 --> 1:21:27.120
<v Speaker 2>I said. The next forty five minutes, like hand washing

1:21:27.160 --> 1:21:30.200
<v Speaker 2>each leaf, I was like, I'm so sorry.

1:21:30.280 --> 1:21:32.559
<v Speaker 1>Kids haven't had a bath. The kids haven't had a

1:21:32.560 --> 1:21:34.679
<v Speaker 1>bath in a week, but you've just like washed your plant.

1:21:35.080 --> 1:21:36.880
<v Speaker 1>I literally leaf my leaf, So that was my suck.

1:21:37.040 --> 1:21:38.960
<v Speaker 1>It didn't die, but I felt very, very stupid. It

1:21:39.040 --> 1:21:41.320
<v Speaker 1>is and it's definitely not as happy as what it

1:21:41.400 --> 1:21:43.519
<v Speaker 1>was before it got doused in spray and wipe. And

1:21:43.680 --> 1:21:45.720
<v Speaker 1>my sweet for the week is just that it was

1:21:45.720 --> 1:21:48.960
<v Speaker 1>my birthday, and I'm pretty low key for my birthdays.

1:21:49.000 --> 1:21:51.080
<v Speaker 1>I don't like, you know, I don't do big parties.

1:21:51.280 --> 1:21:53.200
<v Speaker 1>I don't make a big fuss about it, but I

1:21:53.280 --> 1:21:56.040
<v Speaker 1>felt like the people who are important to me in

1:21:56.040 --> 1:21:57.599
<v Speaker 1>my life made a big fuss of me and made

1:21:57.640 --> 1:21:59.120
<v Speaker 1>me feel really really important and special.

1:21:59.200 --> 1:22:01.519
<v Speaker 2>So we had just had the most beautiful time. We

1:22:01.560 --> 1:22:03.360
<v Speaker 2>went for a gorgeous dinner last night.

1:22:03.400 --> 1:22:06.559
<v Speaker 1>We had a babysitter for like seven hours and we

1:22:06.600 --> 1:22:09.120
<v Speaker 1>went and had la la. I think that's why I'm

1:22:09.120 --> 1:22:10.880
<v Speaker 1>in such a good mood today. And we had sex.

1:22:10.920 --> 1:22:15.360
<v Speaker 1>So there's been so many great things that have been happening. Yeah, lation, congratulations.

1:22:16.840 --> 1:22:18.439
<v Speaker 1>It's like you only do it twice a year. We

1:22:18.479 --> 1:22:20.599
<v Speaker 1>are staying in a tiny villa and Matt's mum's staying

1:22:20.640 --> 1:22:22.439
<v Speaker 1>with us, so yeah, sorry about that to my mother

1:22:22.439 --> 1:22:23.880
<v Speaker 1>in law, but you know what times and to half

1:22:23.880 --> 1:22:26.160
<v Speaker 1>you're going to take it weeken. Oh you did it

1:22:26.200 --> 1:22:28.559
<v Speaker 1>while while they're all in there. That's great. She's in

1:22:28.560 --> 1:22:30.719
<v Speaker 1>the room next door. It's fine. We're all very close.

1:22:30.840 --> 1:22:32.439
<v Speaker 1>She was there when I gave birth to Marley, so

1:22:32.439 --> 1:22:33.920
<v Speaker 1>I think it's fine. She can be in the room

1:22:33.960 --> 1:22:36.559
<v Speaker 1>next door. Anyway. That's too much sharing for one evening,

1:22:36.600 --> 1:22:39.360
<v Speaker 1>but that is in from us, guys. We hope that you.

1:22:39.320 --> 1:22:41.120
<v Speaker 2>Love the episode. We hope that you love Mark Groves

1:22:41.160 --> 1:22:43.559
<v Speaker 2>as much as we did. Honestly, he is just the

1:22:43.600 --> 1:22:46.599
<v Speaker 2>most amazing man, and we hope that you've got something

1:22:46.640 --> 1:22:47.920
<v Speaker 2>out of the episode and feel a little bit more

1:22:47.960 --> 1:22:49.280
<v Speaker 2>empowered in your relationships.

1:22:49.560 --> 1:22:51.120
<v Speaker 1>We're not going to tell you too much, but stay

1:22:51.160 --> 1:22:54.280
<v Speaker 1>tuned for next week because we have another absolutely kill

1:22:54.360 --> 1:22:56.920
<v Speaker 1>episode that is bound to have you in stitches on

1:22:57.080 --> 1:23:00.160
<v Speaker 1>the floor. But please keep the accidentally unfiltered and the

1:23:00.200 --> 1:23:02.960
<v Speaker 1>ask Gun cuts and the confessionals and anything else that

1:23:03.000 --> 1:23:05.719
<v Speaker 1>happens to you keep them sliding on into the dms

1:23:05.840 --> 1:23:07.919
<v Speaker 1>on Instagram a Life un Cut podcast.

1:23:08.320 --> 1:23:10.439
<v Speaker 2>I also like that you're teasing next week's episode, but

1:23:10.479 --> 1:23:12.519
<v Speaker 2>we literally have two more episodes to come out Before

1:23:12.560 --> 1:23:15.200
<v Speaker 2>that episode comes out. We do have ask Gun Cut, Okay, However,

1:23:15.320 --> 1:23:18.439
<v Speaker 2>I do want to make everyone aware I am taking

1:23:18.439 --> 1:23:20.400
<v Speaker 2>this week's ask Gun cut off and it is Britt

1:23:20.439 --> 1:23:23.240
<v Speaker 2>and Keisha doing this week's comings ask Gun Cut, so

1:23:23.560 --> 1:23:26.240
<v Speaker 2>you will get a whole new perspective from someone who

1:23:26.240 --> 1:23:28.400
<v Speaker 2>has lived it but is equally as unqualified as what

1:23:28.439 --> 1:23:30.160
<v Speaker 2>I am. That Kish and Britt are going to be

1:23:30.160 --> 1:23:32.280
<v Speaker 2>taking the microphones and doing ask Gun cut this week

1:23:32.320 --> 1:23:33.320
<v Speaker 2>and giving me a day off.

1:23:33.200 --> 1:23:35.920
<v Speaker 1>For my birthday. This is our birthday present to you.

1:23:35.960 --> 1:23:37.320
<v Speaker 1>We're like, I'm going to give you one day off.

1:23:37.360 --> 1:23:40.000
<v Speaker 1>That is it. I'm going to go and have a

1:23:40.000 --> 1:23:42.280
<v Speaker 1>massage and a manny petty on Thursday next week. Please,

1:23:42.320 --> 1:23:44.360
<v Speaker 1>if you haven't left us a review, why not do that.

1:23:44.400 --> 1:23:45.679
<v Speaker 1>We haven't asked you to do that in a while,

1:23:45.680 --> 1:23:47.479
<v Speaker 1>So leave us a sneaker review five stars. Hit the

1:23:47.479 --> 1:23:49.360
<v Speaker 1>follow subscribe button if you feel in a little bit

1:23:49.360 --> 1:23:51.280
<v Speaker 1>extra generous, and don't forget to tell your mum, tell

1:23:51.320 --> 1:23:53.120
<v Speaker 1>your dad, tell you dog, tell your friends, and share

1:23:53.160 --> 1:23:55.120
<v Speaker 1>the love because we do you love.

1:23:55.200 --> 1:24:14.439
<v Speaker 4>Blave the company, the body, the bay, the