1 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,760 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Today we're 2 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,440 Speaker 1: talking about resilience. I know it's an eye roll, and 3 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:13,240 Speaker 1: you've heard it a million times. It's been one of 4 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:15,920 Speaker 1: the core values of your children's school, I'm sure for 5 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:20,080 Speaker 1: the last ten, twenty thirty years, but probably today our 6 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,160 Speaker 1: conversation is going to be about resilience in a way 7 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:24,520 Speaker 1: that most people are not thinking about it. 8 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:29,280 Speaker 2: When you think of the most common cultural narrative around resilience, 9 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:33,240 Speaker 2: it's the whole tough enough princess figure it out yourself, 10 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:37,120 Speaker 2: you know, white knuckling it, getting up after every fall, 11 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:38,239 Speaker 2: you know that kind of. 12 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, just like pull yourself up by your bootstraps and 13 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,160 Speaker 1: show that you can coind of just suck it up. Yeah, 14 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:48,080 Speaker 1: and it's very much. I have to say it's individualistic 15 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:54,639 Speaker 1: today well, resilience is typically seen as individual grittiness. We 16 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:58,840 Speaker 1: make the argument that resilience is relational. What does that 17 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,240 Speaker 1: mean and how does help our kids to be resilient 18 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:02,800 Speaker 1: when their world is crumbling and they can't do the 19 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:04,640 Speaker 1: mass problem or clean up their bedroom or deal with 20 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:07,160 Speaker 1: a friendship challenge. We'll tell you all about it. Stay 21 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:12,039 Speaker 1: with us. That's next. Gooday, Welcome to the Happy Families 22 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:15,640 Speaker 1: podcast where you get real parenting solutions every single day. 23 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:20,160 Speaker 1: This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin 24 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:25,080 Speaker 1: and Kylie Coursen were the parents of six children, six daughters, 25 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:28,440 Speaker 1: and we have dealt with emotional downs and challenges and 26 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:31,959 Speaker 1: school refusal and if you are dealing with a challenge 27 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:36,120 Speaker 1: in your family, we've dealt with it. I reckon most 28 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,440 Speaker 1: of them. You're looking at me like, maybe that's overstating it. 29 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,720 Speaker 1: Most of them? Can I say most of them? All 30 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 1: of them? 31 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,039 Speaker 2: Me you, So we've all dealt with it. 32 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,920 Speaker 1: I want to share a story. This year, in my 33 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,960 Speaker 1: efforts to become fitter, we have organized for some personal 34 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,640 Speaker 1: training and I didn't really want to say anything about 35 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,280 Speaker 1: it because I don't want people to feel like they 36 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:56,960 Speaker 1: have to notice my muscles when they see me the 37 00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,480 Speaker 1: next But I'm just putting it out there that I've. 38 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:02,440 Speaker 2: Got to if you haven't worked it out, guys, Justin 39 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:03,600 Speaker 2: likes a bit of prayse. 40 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:07,080 Speaker 1: No, no, yeah, he praise. Anyway, let me share the 41 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:10,320 Speaker 1: story because this really applies to resilience being relational, which 42 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,560 Speaker 1: is what we're talking about today on the pod. Recently 43 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,920 Speaker 1: had our pt guide me through a workout, and he 44 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,800 Speaker 1: asked me to do a plank or a bridge, whatever 45 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:19,960 Speaker 1: you want to call it, where you're on your elbows 46 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:21,800 Speaker 1: and you've got your feet out behind you and you 47 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:23,480 Speaker 1: just you've just got a hold on it. It's a 48 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,880 Speaker 1: real core kind of thing. And he wanted me to 49 00:02:25,919 --> 00:02:29,520 Speaker 1: go for two minutes, one hundred and twenty painful seconds, 50 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:33,679 Speaker 1: and I mean, it's just a horrible exercise, full stop, 51 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:37,160 Speaker 1: end of story. By sixty seconds, I wanted to stop. 52 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,679 Speaker 1: I had the shakes, I was in pain. I was 53 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:46,960 Speaker 1: starting to make strange sounds like oh, that kind of stuff. 54 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:50,320 Speaker 1: And then I hear his voice. He goes, nice, he's 55 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,399 Speaker 1: got an English accent. He's a pom. But I don't 56 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 1: know how to do an English accent. But he said, nice, 57 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:58,079 Speaker 1: you're halfway there, only sixty seconds to go. You've got this, 58 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:03,160 Speaker 1: And I stopped shaking. I steadied myself. I put myself 59 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,560 Speaker 1: together thirty seconds later, at ninety seconds, and at this 60 00:03:06,639 --> 00:03:09,079 Speaker 1: point I was not steady anymore. I was pretty sure 61 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:12,079 Speaker 1: I was done. And then again he just goes, you're 62 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,560 Speaker 1: doing well, super strong, justin just thirty seconds to go, 63 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:20,120 Speaker 1: with fifteen seconds left, I was pretty sure I was 64 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:23,560 Speaker 1: going to just collapse and hit the floor. The strange 65 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,280 Speaker 1: noises were increasing. I was gasping for air. I was 66 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:27,720 Speaker 1: about to tell him that I hated him, but I 67 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:29,440 Speaker 1: couldn't form the words because I was in so much 68 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,160 Speaker 1: pain and I was not sure that I was going 69 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:31,600 Speaker 1: to survive. 70 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,720 Speaker 2: Before you knew it, fifteen seconds was up. 71 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,920 Speaker 1: Well, he's literally he's just gone so close. Now you're 72 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,200 Speaker 1: doing it. Let me count you down, ten, nine, eight, 73 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:41,440 Speaker 1: down to one. And then I collapsed and he high 74 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:43,600 Speaker 1: five to the air because I couldn't lift up my underve. 75 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,560 Speaker 1: And then I had this realization. I mean, I've been 76 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,560 Speaker 1: talking a lot about resilience for years, and I've done 77 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,760 Speaker 1: a number of sessions over the last couple of weeks 78 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,880 Speaker 1: in schools and other places talking about resilience. But I 79 00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:01,000 Speaker 1: had this recognition. Yes, I was the one who did 80 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,200 Speaker 1: the exercise. I was the one who held myself up 81 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,200 Speaker 1: for one hundred and twenty seconds, but he was the 82 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 1: one who helped me to be resilient. I was going 83 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,520 Speaker 1: to quit at the halfway point. Without him, I wouldn't 84 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,320 Speaker 1: have done it. And I just thought to myself, resilience 85 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 1: is relational. 86 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:22,520 Speaker 2: So yesterday, we went bike riding with our fifteen year 87 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:26,039 Speaker 2: old daughter. She hasn't ridden with you before, and the 88 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 2: two of you took off and left me for dead. 89 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,719 Speaker 1: Well, well, to be clear, she took off and I 90 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,560 Speaker 1: looked at you and said should I go with her 91 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,160 Speaker 1: or should I stay with you? And you said follow her, 92 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:38,040 Speaker 1: so I then chased her. I just don't want anyone 93 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:38,839 Speaker 1: to think that I abandoned. 94 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,679 Speaker 2: I felt abandoned. I'm telling you now, well she because 95 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,760 Speaker 2: as I continued on my ride. 96 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,919 Speaker 1: Into those headwinds, I. 97 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:52,640 Speaker 2: Just felt so depleted, so weak, and about maybe five 98 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:56,679 Speaker 2: or so minutes into the ride, an older couple rode 99 00:04:56,720 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 2: past me, just like it was like driving Miss Daisy, Right, 100 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:01,800 Speaker 2: it was so effortless. 101 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,560 Speaker 1: In the last seventies, and you're thinking, how is it. 102 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:06,120 Speaker 2: Pop If I can just stick on with them, Well, 103 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,200 Speaker 2: we got to a hill they left me for dead, 104 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:12,040 Speaker 2: but I could see them on the horizon and it 105 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,760 Speaker 2: was enough to push me knowing that you guys were 106 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,320 Speaker 2: at the other end. And I was so grateful for 107 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,719 Speaker 2: them because even though I never caught them, I had 108 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,479 Speaker 2: someone there kind of urging me on. 109 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:29,160 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, So Emmy Werner is a researcher that is 110 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:32,960 Speaker 1: maybe one of the most important researchers in the world 111 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:36,520 Speaker 1: when it comes to this topic of resilience. She did 112 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,600 Speaker 1: this thing called the Kawhi Longitudinal Study, followed these at 113 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,920 Speaker 1: risk kids for forty plus years, and I'd love to 114 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,680 Speaker 1: get into the nitty gritty of the study, but for 115 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:49,760 Speaker 1: today's purposes, the one thing that really matters is that 116 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:55,159 Speaker 1: the kids who thrived despite adversity all had at least 117 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:58,440 Speaker 1: one stable caring relationship. 118 00:05:58,640 --> 00:05:59,039 Speaker 2: That was it. 119 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:03,600 Speaker 1: There were other factors that were important, but one stable 120 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 1: caring relationship seemed to be the variable, the factor that 121 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:13,760 Speaker 1: differentiated the children who were resilient throughout a very very 122 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:16,680 Speaker 1: hard life versus those who were not resilient and had 123 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,240 Speaker 1: ongoing struggles, just like their parents before them and their 124 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:20,440 Speaker 1: grandparents before them. 125 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,039 Speaker 2: We've shared this a few times on the podcast now, 126 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,039 Speaker 2: but I look back on my life and outside of 127 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:31,000 Speaker 2: my parents, there was always one adult, one adult figure 128 00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:34,320 Speaker 2: that was just my go to person for when life 129 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:38,080 Speaker 2: got tough, especially when I would struggle with relationship issues 130 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,760 Speaker 2: with my parents or whatever. There was this one person 131 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,080 Speaker 2: there that was my champion, kind of cheering me on 132 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:46,920 Speaker 2: and helping me to see with greater perspective and clarity 133 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:51,960 Speaker 2: around the challenges that I was experiencing. But on top 134 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,640 Speaker 2: of that, you particularly have shared with the girls multiple 135 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:59,040 Speaker 2: stories over the years of people who have done like 136 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:03,480 Speaker 2: incredible thing things, but when you look at how they 137 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,680 Speaker 2: accomplished it, inevitably there was one person. 138 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:09,200 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's very very rare that you see somebody who 139 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:11,480 Speaker 1: is simply a standout and they've done it all themselves. 140 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 2: Well, there's that kind of kind of cheesy saying behind 141 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:14,960 Speaker 2: every good man is. 142 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,640 Speaker 1: A great woman, great woman or whatever. 143 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,520 Speaker 2: Right, But at the end of the day, it's kind 144 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:24,560 Speaker 2: of true. Not necessarily from a gender perspective, but anybody 145 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:27,480 Speaker 2: who gets to the top of anything hasn't done it. 146 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:28,320 Speaker 2: I've isolated. 147 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,760 Speaker 1: I think it was Newton who said, if I've seen further, 148 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,240 Speaker 1: it's only because I've stood on the shoulders of giants. Yeah, 149 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:37,120 Speaker 1: so there's another state. I guess at the heart of this. 150 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:40,200 Speaker 1: It's not about toughness. Resilience is not about being tougher 151 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:44,040 Speaker 1: than everyone else. It's not about rugged independence. You use 152 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:46,920 Speaker 1: the term white knuckling in the intro. It's not about that. 153 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:50,040 Speaker 1: It's actually about connection. It's about relationships, having people in 154 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:52,800 Speaker 1: your orbit. The Harvard Study of Adult Development sometimes called 155 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,960 Speaker 1: the Grant Study, eighty five plus years of data, same conclusion. 156 00:07:56,520 --> 00:08:02,000 Speaker 1: Relationships are everything for resilience and well being. Whatever studies 157 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:07,240 Speaker 1: you look at, they consistently say resilience is relational. So 158 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:08,760 Speaker 1: what does that mean for us? What does that mean 159 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,920 Speaker 1: for our children? What does that mean for our families? 160 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,440 Speaker 1: We're going to unpack that so that you can apply 161 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:26,200 Speaker 1: it in your home or classroom. Right after this, we're back. 162 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:30,120 Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families podcast. Today we're talking about resilience. 163 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:34,920 Speaker 2: Well, you've really highlighted that resilience is such a relational thing. 164 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,040 Speaker 2: So how does this impact us and specifically our children. 165 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, so let's say you've got child who's struggling with 166 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:45,320 Speaker 1: some homework or some reading, or I don't know, struggling 167 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,840 Speaker 1: cleaning their room. Cleaning their room. Yeah, one of my 168 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:50,200 Speaker 1: favorite stories. This is really your story. I feel bad 169 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,559 Speaker 1: sharing it. You can jump in and take over. One 170 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,480 Speaker 1: of our kids was not able to clean her room, 171 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:55,599 Speaker 1: and so you went and sat on the bed and 172 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,760 Speaker 1: said I'll help you, and she said, thanks mommy. And 173 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:01,160 Speaker 1: you didn't clean the room, but what you did do 174 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,160 Speaker 1: was your offered support. You sat on the bed and said, 175 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:06,640 Speaker 1: I wonder if there's three things that you can see 176 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,400 Speaker 1: that are really easy to put away. If you were 177 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,640 Speaker 1: to just pick three things, what would they be? And 178 00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:12,920 Speaker 1: so she put them away, and you just kept on 179 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,439 Speaker 1: doing that. At one point you're like, I've got to 180 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:16,840 Speaker 1: go to the kitchen and do something. I'll be back 181 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,720 Speaker 1: in ninety seconds. See how much you can do before 182 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:21,200 Speaker 1: I get back. She was able to clean her room. 183 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,080 Speaker 1: It just felt like it was too big to do 184 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:25,000 Speaker 1: on her own, but once she had somebody sitting there 185 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:28,040 Speaker 1: and supporting her, she was able to work it out. 186 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,600 Speaker 2: I know, I was a young mum, like literally feeling 187 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:34,360 Speaker 2: so overwhelmed by the task of the day that I 188 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,679 Speaker 2: would sometimes call a friend and say, can you just 189 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:40,120 Speaker 2: come and watch me clean, like just be in my space. 190 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:44,040 Speaker 2: I just need somebody to kind of just be there. 191 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,600 Speaker 1: Resilience is relational, right, and they would. 192 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,800 Speaker 2: Come over and inevitably they would end up helping me 193 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:51,000 Speaker 2: a bit. But that wasn't actually what I needed. I 194 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,560 Speaker 2: just needed communication. I need somebody there that I could 195 00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:57,319 Speaker 2: relate to and chat with and just forget the big 196 00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:00,560 Speaker 2: task but break it down into small increments. 197 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:02,439 Speaker 1: I mean, we're supposed to be talking about parenting and kids. 198 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:04,880 Speaker 1: But let me share another adult example. I remember, maybe 199 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:07,480 Speaker 1: ten or fifteen years ago, we were living in Woollongong 200 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:11,440 Speaker 1: and a friend of ours was hospitalized with mental health challenges, 201 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:14,960 Speaker 1: and there was very real concerns that she was not 202 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,360 Speaker 1: going to be okay. And you went and visited with 203 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,640 Speaker 1: her and sat in that hospital room and just let 204 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,679 Speaker 1: her cry, and you hugged her and listened to her. 205 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,200 Speaker 1: It stayed there for hours, and at the end of it, 206 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:27,160 Speaker 1: she kind of looked at you and just said, I 207 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,240 Speaker 1: just needed someone to hear me. And within a couple 208 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,400 Speaker 1: of days she was out of hospital and made a 209 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,959 Speaker 1: full recovery and has clearly had an up and down 210 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,960 Speaker 1: life since them, because we all do. But she's fine, 211 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,240 Speaker 1: Like she's doing great ten or ten years down the track. 212 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:43,320 Speaker 1: Resilience is relational, like no matter how you pull it apart. Kid, 213 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:46,000 Speaker 1: When I was a kid, my dad saw that I 214 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:47,880 Speaker 1: was struggling with cricket. They had me enrolled in a 215 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,080 Speaker 1: cricket team. I was struggling with it and Dad said, 216 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:53,120 Speaker 1: it looks like cricket's hard. You need to practice. Let's 217 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,800 Speaker 1: go down to the nets. Like he took me down 218 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:57,720 Speaker 1: there and practiced with me. I was never going to practice. 219 00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:00,000 Speaker 1: Oh incidentally, I was always told to practice the piano 220 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,560 Speaker 1: on my own. Go in there and practice the piano 221 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,680 Speaker 1: for thirty minutes. But if my parents had sat with 222 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:07,760 Speaker 1: me and talked about what I was doing and shared 223 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,720 Speaker 1: with me things that they were enjoying or what they 224 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,120 Speaker 1: remember the teacher saying, maybe I'd actually be able to 225 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:13,120 Speaker 1: play the piano today. 226 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:18,200 Speaker 2: That's where grandparents play this beautiful role often in our kids' lives, 227 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,960 Speaker 2: because they've got the time to just sit with them 228 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,760 Speaker 2: and encourage them and work with them. And the crazy 229 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,920 Speaker 2: thing is we've been taught that helping too much actually 230 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:28,800 Speaker 2: makes our kids. 231 00:11:28,559 --> 00:11:31,160 Speaker 1: Soft, right, it's. 232 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:34,200 Speaker 2: The absolute opposite. Yes, as we help our kids, we 233 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,240 Speaker 2: actually expand their capacity. 234 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:39,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, people think like, oh, no, I'm making my child 235 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,439 Speaker 1: dependent on me if I sit with them and help 236 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,959 Speaker 1: them clean the room. No, you're not. You're actually sitting 237 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,840 Speaker 1: there and saying, I value the relationship. I can see 238 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:49,080 Speaker 1: a struggling here's some support, and you're actually you're literally 239 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,880 Speaker 1: building competence capacity. You're helping them to see that they 240 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:56,880 Speaker 1: can do it and literally building their resilience by being 241 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,720 Speaker 1: there and buy so long as you don't do too 242 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,199 Speaker 1: much by helping them a little bit. 243 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,760 Speaker 2: But resilience isn't about never need any anybody's help. It's 244 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:06,200 Speaker 2: about recognizing when. 245 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:08,479 Speaker 1: You do need help, that you. 246 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,720 Speaker 2: Have the capacity to ask for it. And when we 247 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,640 Speaker 2: teach our kids that they've got to do it on 248 00:12:12,679 --> 00:12:16,480 Speaker 2: their own. You wonder how we grow up as adults 249 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,600 Speaker 2: thinking I can't ask anyone because that would mean I'm weak. 250 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,280 Speaker 1: Right when we're doing a plank, when we're doing homework 251 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:23,920 Speaker 1: or music lessons, when we're trying to learn how to 252 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:27,520 Speaker 1: play cricket, when we're struggling down on the bike, it 253 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,840 Speaker 1: doesn't matter what it is. Right like when there are 254 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,320 Speaker 1: other people in your orbit, you are going to be 255 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:34,800 Speaker 1: more resilient. Resilience is relational. 256 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:38,800 Speaker 2: If we could give you one practical takeaway from today's conversation, 257 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,520 Speaker 2: it would be that when your kids are struggling, move closer, 258 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:43,439 Speaker 2: not further away. 259 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:48,720 Speaker 1: Great take home message, your voice, your presence, your belief, 260 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,160 Speaker 1: the words that you say become their in a voice. 261 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,200 Speaker 1: Resilience isn't doing it alone. It's knowing that you're not 262 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:58,040 Speaker 1: aligned while you're doing it. Yeah, ah, all right, Hey, 263 00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,800 Speaker 1: we really hope it's been useful. I've got a book 264 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:01,640 Speaker 1: called Nine Ways to a Resilient Child. You can find 265 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:03,720 Speaker 1: Nine Ways to a Resilient Child wherever you buy books, 266 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:06,400 Speaker 1: check it out online, grab a copy. It'll make your 267 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,719 Speaker 1: family more resilient. The Happy Families podcast is produced by 268 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:12,640 Speaker 1: Justin Rulon from Bridge Media. We appreciate all the admin 269 00:13:12,679 --> 00:13:15,480 Speaker 1: and additional support from Mim Hammonds as well. Hey, tomorrow 270 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,960 Speaker 1: we're talking about how to do homeschooling. We've had a 271 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,240 Speaker 1: number of questions come through about that, so join us 272 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:23,560 Speaker 1: for what's a really interesting conversation around that, and for 273 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:27,000 Speaker 1: more resources to make you family happier, especially an ADHD 274 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:30,439 Speaker 1: course for families who are struggling. Check out Happyfamilies dot 275 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:31,600 Speaker 1: com dot au.