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Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Family Podcast. Here's a question,

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Speaker 1: when you're feeling anxious, when you're feeling down, when you're

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Speaker 1: feeling alone, which we all do sometimes, what do most

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Speaker 1: of us do? Research seems to indicate that we turn inwards.

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Speaker 1: We try to take care of ourselves, maybe along bath

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Speaker 1: if we're so lucky to have the luxury some chocky

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Speaker 1: and Netflix binge. A bit of retail therapy culture tells

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Speaker 1: us you need self care, you need to put yourself first,

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Speaker 1: you need to treat yourself. And I am not against

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Speaker 1: any of those things. Sometimes they can feel really good,

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Speaker 1: but there's fascinating research that suggests that we might be

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Speaker 1: getting this backwards. Today on the Happy Families Podcast, a

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Speaker 1: doctor's Desk episode that highlights some brand new research suggesting

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Speaker 1: something called the kindness paradox. While helping others helps you

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Speaker 1: more that next stay with us. Hello and welcome to

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Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast, where you get real parenting solutions

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Speaker 1: every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. Today.

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Speaker 1: We are going to be upfront about it. It's about

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Speaker 1: kindness and how to teach your kids kindness. We often

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Speaker 1: around the dinner table instead of talking about what you're

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Speaker 1: grateful for or what made you happy today, we talk

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Speaker 1: about who you were kind to or who was kind

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Speaker 1: to you, and we find that it promotes some pretty

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Speaker 1: interesting conversations today. A study published in the journal Emotion

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Speaker 1: just in the last couple of months that took seven

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Speaker 1: hundred and seventy seven people during the COVID nineteen pandemic,

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Speaker 1: a time where there was a whole lot of depression

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Speaker 1: and anxiety and loneliness right up high, and split them

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Speaker 1: into three groups to have a look at how we

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Speaker 1: could play around with kindness, happiness, wellbeing, and mental health challenges.

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Speaker 2: So I give you a really hard time about all

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Speaker 2: the research, and you do this is some research I

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Speaker 2: could really back up. I can get behind this one.

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Speaker 1: Why is that? Is it because it resonates with your

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Speaker 1: life or because it's just so practical that it doesn't

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Speaker 1: feel like it's theory. It actually just feels like real life.

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Speaker 2: No, Because I've had so many experiences been on the

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Speaker 2: receiving end of other people's kindness, been the one giving kindness,

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Speaker 2: and I've had some really powerful shifts in my mental

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Speaker 2: health as a result of choosing kindness for others Over

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Speaker 2: kindness for myself over the years I've seen at work.

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Speaker 1: So let's not bury the lead. Let's just go straight

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Speaker 1: to the punchline. The upshot of what this study was

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Speaker 1: three groups, Like I said, seven hundred and seventy seven people.

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Speaker 1: Group one, do three acts of kindness for other people

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Speaker 1: each week. Group two, do three acts of kindness for

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Speaker 1: yourself each week. Group three, they're the control group. Just

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Speaker 1: go about your life, how boring. The control groups never

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Speaker 1: the exciting group, and they were measured on depression, anxiety,

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Speaker 1: and loneliness at basedline and then two weeks later.

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Speaker 2: I can assume, based on my own personal experience, what

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Speaker 2: they found. But what came out of the study.

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Speaker 1: What came out of the study was exactly what you

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Speaker 1: would expect based on your own personal experience. The research

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Speaker 1: has found that the people who did acts of kindness

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Speaker 1: for others saw significant decreases in all three depression down,

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Speaker 1: anxiety down, loneliness down. Let me say that again. Look

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Speaker 1: after other people and your depressive symptoms, your anxiety symptoms,

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Speaker 1: and your loneliness all drop. People who did the acts

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Speaker 1: of kindness for themselves, Depression dropped, but anxiety and loneliness stayed.

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Speaker 1: The same. I think that's an interesting finding. We'll come

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Speaker 1: back to that in a sec people who were the

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Speaker 1: control group, nothing changed. Everything was the same as you

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Speaker 1: would expect, but worth highlighting this. Helping others reduced anxiety

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Speaker 1: and loneliness and depression. Helping yourself didn't accept for depression.

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Speaker 1: So today a conversation about why this matters not just

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Speaker 1: for us, but also for our kids.

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Speaker 2: I'm going back a number of years now, but I

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Speaker 2: remember a time where one of my friends just totally

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Speaker 2: disappeared off the social planet, like just she was not there.

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Speaker 2: And I finally reached out to her and I said,

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Speaker 2: what's going on? And she said, I'm just in a

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Speaker 2: funk and I just I don't know what to.

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Speaker 1: Do, and I don't like people. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: be around them.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And we had a little chat about that, and

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Speaker 2: I kind of, you know, we brainstored some ideas and

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Speaker 2: finally I said to her, why don't we do some

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Speaker 2: secret drop offs to people in our community? And she

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Speaker 2: was like okay, and she said what are you thinking?

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Speaker 2: And I'm like, well, I think we need to pick

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Speaker 2: a theme, and I think I think let's let's color

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Speaker 2: theme it. And she was like okay, Like she.

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Speaker 1: Was like, what are you doing? This is so you,

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Speaker 1: This is so you.

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Speaker 2: So her husband's very first car was a little yellow

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Speaker 2: escort and she said, you'll never guess what my husband

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Speaker 2: just brought. He had found the same kind of car

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Speaker 2: from his late teens and brought it as a little

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Speaker 2: bit of a hobby car. And she said, we've got

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Speaker 2: it sitting in the yard. I'm like, yellow, Let's take

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Speaker 2: the car out and we'll make it a yellow a

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Speaker 2: yellow theme. So we became the Sunshine Bandits.

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Speaker 1: And the great thing is you're in a car that

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Speaker 1: nobody recognizes in the garage.

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Speaker 2: Well, if we were ever trying to be stealthy, being

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Speaker 2: in a yellow escort from the nineteen seventies was not

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Speaker 2: the best choice.

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Speaker 1: But nobody knew that it was.

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Speaker 2: But can I tell you over the next handful of months,

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Speaker 2: the joy that we experienced as we reconnected as friends and.

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Speaker 1: Did all the planning and who are we going to

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Speaker 1: knock on the door of and surprise with goodies?

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Speaker 2: We drove into somebody's driveway one night. Her husband's a policeman.

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Speaker 2: The police car showed up. As we were trying to

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Speaker 2: be stealthy in all black looking up her driveway. So

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Speaker 2: we're now hiding in the bushes with two policemen in

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Speaker 2: the driveway, and we had to stay there for about

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Speaker 2: ten minutes.

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Speaker 1: Well, he went in and got his dinner.

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Speaker 2: And came out and left. Another time, we literally we

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Speaker 2: were climbing up the stairs and realized that the front

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Speaker 2: window was open and our friend was literally sitting against

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Speaker 2: the chair at the front window.

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Speaker 1: So now we're.

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Speaker 2: Down on all fours, crawling across her veranda.

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Speaker 1: So you're doing these mystery drops. You're dropping off parcels

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Speaker 1: to everybody. Let me ask you this question about this,

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Speaker 1: and it's so fun even hearing you relive the story.

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Speaker 1: She wasn't feeling great. You've said, let's jump in the

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Speaker 1: little yellow escort and zim around over the next couple

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Speaker 1: of months and.

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Speaker 2: Drop with the really crunchy gears.

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Speaker 1: Will drop things off at people that we love and

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Speaker 1: see if we can bring some sunshine into their lives. Obviously,

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Speaker 1: it felt good.

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Speaker 2: It felt amazing.

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Speaker 1: What would it have been like if you said, Hey,

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Speaker 1: over the next couple of months, let's go out once

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Speaker 1: a week and get lunch, or let's go and get

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Speaker 1: a massage. Would it have had the same impact.

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Speaker 2: So because in essence I was helping her and we

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Speaker 2: were connecting. I think that going out for lunch would

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Speaker 2: have had a similar impact. But I believe the joy

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Speaker 2: of knowing that our little visit was going to bring

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Speaker 2: other people joy is the biggest gift out of that experience.

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Speaker 2: Connecting with people is important, and if we're struggling to

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Speaker 2: do things with other people, having one person that we

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Speaker 2: can catch up with and just share our hearts with

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Speaker 2: that's really important. But the real gift is when we

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Speaker 2: recognize that other people are doing it hard too. We

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Speaker 2: have no idea the burdens that people are carrying, and

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Speaker 2: if we can find ways to just spark a little

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Speaker 2: bit of joy in their lives, it actually makes us

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Speaker 2: feel awesome.

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Speaker 1: Sunshine Bandits, Let's find out why it is that doing

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Speaker 1: kind things to yourself might reduce depression but doesn't address

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Speaker 1: anxiety and loneliness, and why when you're kind to others

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Speaker 1: you feel more connected, you have positive outcomes across the board,

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Speaker 1: and what this means for us as parents. That's next

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Speaker 1: on the Happy Families podcast Doctor's Desk condition stay with us,

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Speaker 1: We're back. This is the Happy Family's podcast. We adjustin

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Speaker 1: and Kylie Colson. If you're enjoying the pod and you

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Speaker 1: get something out of it, please share it with your friends,

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Speaker 1: your neighbors. When you do that, it helps other people

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Speaker 1: to discover the pod, and of course that means we

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Speaker 1: get to make more of an impact in people's lives.

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Speaker 2: For anyone wondering why kindness directed it other people has

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Speaker 2: a bigger impact, what would you share with them? What

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Speaker 2: would you say?

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Speaker 1: So, based on this study, here's what I'm taking from it.

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Speaker 1: When you're kind to yourself, you feel a lot of

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Speaker 1: positive emotion in the moment. That's good. I mean, that's

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Speaker 1: why we're well.

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Speaker 2: There's so much talk about self care and this need

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Speaker 2: to actually make time for yourself, like actually withdraw and

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Speaker 2: connect with yourself, Like that's an important part and.

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Speaker 1: It feels good to spoil yourself. So in that moment,

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Speaker 1: short term, you get a positive emotion that's likely to

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Speaker 1: reduce your feelings of depression, which is good. It doesn't

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Speaker 1: necessarily last, and sometimes while you're in the middle of

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Speaker 1: the massage, all you can think about is all the

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Speaker 1: other things you're supposed to be doing and all the

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Speaker 1: stress you're carrying. But that should usually be okay, But

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Speaker 1: it doesn't address anxiety, and it doesn't address loneliness. When

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Speaker 1: you're kind to others, it increases your connection to those people.

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Speaker 1: The sense of connection is associated with all those good feelings,

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Speaker 1: but it also decreases anxiety and loneliness. It works through

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Speaker 1: totally different pathways. Self kindness makes you feel good. Other

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Speaker 1: kindness makes you feel connected. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So in my experience, the times where I have done

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Speaker 2: things for myself, I've felt great in the moment, like

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Speaker 2: you've said, but then I've had.

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Speaker 1: To re enter the word come back to the family, whatever.

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Speaker 2: That looks like, whatever the challenges that I'm experiencing, it's

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Speaker 2: still there at the other end, and that luxurious moment

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Speaker 2: in time that was all just mine has all but gone.

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Speaker 2: When I do things for other people, in essence, it's

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Speaker 2: the same. I'm coming back to the real world, but

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Speaker 2: I'm also so much more aware that somebody else's life

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Speaker 2: has changed because I've done something.

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Speaker 1: We have this thing at church where we're supposed to

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Speaker 1: look after other people and the congregation, and we're given

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Speaker 1: like an assignment. I want to justin. I went to

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Speaker 1: look after these three families, just keep an eye on them,

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Speaker 1: check in, make sure that they're okay. And there have

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Speaker 1: been times where I've looked at you and I like,

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Speaker 1: I need to go and just visit these three families,

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Speaker 1: just check in, just say hello, let them know that

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Speaker 1: I'm thinking of them. And more times than not, I'll

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Speaker 1: have a big sigh and say to you, I don't

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Speaker 1: have time for this. I'm just not in the mood

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Speaker 1: for it. I'm tired. There's so many things to do.

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Speaker 1: My family needs me, and it's a really big sacrifice

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Speaker 1: to go and do it. And yet, because I have

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Speaker 1: that sense of duty, but also because I care about

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Speaker 1: the families, you wave me goodbye and off I go

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Speaker 1: and do it. And what's fascinating to me, and I've

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Speaker 1: been thinking about this for about fifteen to twenty years,

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Speaker 1: is every time I go and do it, I come

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Speaker 1: back and feel better about life. I feel better about me,

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Speaker 1: and I come back as a better husband and father.

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Speaker 1: Going out and doing something for other people, creating those

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Speaker 1: connections outside the home actually helps me to come home

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Speaker 1: and appreciate the connections I have inside the home even more.

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Speaker 1: Connection is at the very core of our mental health,

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Speaker 1: it's the very core of our well being. Connection is

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Speaker 1: the very heart of our relationships in our lives and

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Speaker 1: what happens when we help others is our brain kind

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Speaker 1: of goes, I'm valuable to my community, I'm connected. I matter.

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Speaker 1: This psychological phenomenon called mattering that I was reading about

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Speaker 1: twenty years ago when I was doing my undergrad Researchers

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Speaker 1: have found that people who feel like they matter just

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Speaker 1: have better lives full stop, end of story, less lonely,

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Speaker 1: less anxiety, less depression, more well being. So we've only

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Speaker 1: got a minute or so, but we really need to

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Speaker 1: talk about what this means for us as parents. If

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Speaker 1: helping other people matters so much, what are we supposed

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Speaker 1: to do with our kids when it comes to helping

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Speaker 1: because kids don't really like helping that much, or.

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Speaker 2: Do They's crazy thing, though, I think that often when

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Speaker 2: we talk about helping others, we have we conjure up

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Speaker 2: in our head this massive task that needs to be

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Speaker 2: done in order for it to make a difference in

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Speaker 2: somebody's day. The amount of times I've been with my

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Speaker 2: children and one of them has seen somebody walk past

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Speaker 2: and they've really liked their haircut, or they've really liked

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Speaker 2: their dress, and literally have just looked at that person

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Speaker 2: and said oh my gosh, I love that dress. To

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Speaker 2: see that person's face. Like, first of all, it's a.

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Speaker 1: Little bit like some random are some random young person,

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Speaker 1: and what.

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Speaker 2: Do you want it? Often, yeah, there's there's definitely a

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Speaker 2: kind of skeptical beginning, and then when they've realized that

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Speaker 2: they literally are just there to kind of just compliment them,

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Speaker 2: to just see they actually walk away with a bit

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Speaker 2: of a step, like a spring in their step.

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Speaker 1: Of course, feels so good.

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Speaker 2: And that's the idea though, right, It's like it's it

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Speaker 2: can be as simple as that.

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Speaker 1: So if it's not a compliment, and it can be

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Speaker 1: what else would you say would be a really great.

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Speaker 2: It's not honking your horn when somebody does something wrong

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Speaker 2: on the road, like it's giving them the benefit of

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Speaker 2: the doubt. Like honestly, of course, imagine what it's like.

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Speaker 1: I feel you bit targeted the way you said that,

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Speaker 1: the way you looked at me.

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Speaker 2: I wasn't.

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Speaker 1: I I'm trying to stay off the horn. I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to be good. Although I did. I did try to

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Speaker 1: educate somebody about bicycle etiquette the other day when I

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Speaker 1: was writing and they wanted to have a word to me.

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Speaker 2: Well, they did nearly kill as anyway, But it's seeing

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Speaker 2: a short person at the shopping center struggling to get

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Speaker 2: a can off the top shelf and just going and

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Speaker 2: doing it.

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Speaker 1: You can say that because you're almost six foot tall,

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Speaker 1: drives me crazy. Yes, it is. Acts of kindness. So

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Speaker 1: a little cookie drop for the neighbors, thank you note

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Speaker 1: to the teacher. You've talked a number of times this

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Speaker 1: year about just a little coffee voucher for the teacher,

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Speaker 1: just as a thanks, calling a grandparent to say today, writing.

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Speaker 2: A hand written thank you note to somebody.

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Speaker 1: So we're not saying that self kindness is bad. The

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Speaker 1: study showed that it does. Regiuced depression and positive feelings

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Speaker 1: are important and taking.

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Speaker 2: Care of me master such any time.

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Speaker 1: But other kindness, other kindness, especially when you're struggling emotionally,

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Speaker 1: is a well being booster. And that is something that's

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Speaker 1: worth teaching to your kids to help them to be happier.

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Speaker 1: Here's your challenge for the week. Get the kids to

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Speaker 1: work with you on doing something kind of someone, and

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Speaker 1: if it works, do it again and again. Maybe three

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Speaker 1: active kindness, maybe five acts of kindness not for themselves

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Speaker 1: but for other people. And it doesn't have to be

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Speaker 1: big a tip.

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Speaker 2: If it's too hard for them to do that for

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Speaker 2: their siblings, often they're going to actually have a much

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Speaker 2: easier time doing it for someone outside the house.

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Speaker 1: And then at dinner time, instead of saying what made

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Speaker 1: you happy today or what we're grateful for which are

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Speaker 1: great questions, or what you've up to today, just say

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Speaker 1: to them who'd you help today or who helped you

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Speaker 1: and how did that feel? The research shows your kids

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Speaker 1: are going to fee less anxious, les depressed, less lonely.

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Speaker 1: They're going to feel happier because the funny paradox around

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Speaker 1: all of this is the fastest way to feel better

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Speaker 1: about yourself is to help someone else feel better about

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Speaker 1: their life. That's the doctor's desk for today. The Happy

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Speaker 1: Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.

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Speaker 1: Mim Hammonds provides additional support for us on the pod

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Speaker 1: and if you'd like more infer to make your family happier,

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Speaker 1: go and help someone. Don't worry about listening to the

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Speaker 1: pod or visiting the website. Just go and help someone.

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Speaker 1: We'll make a difference. Or visit Happy families dot com

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Speaker 1: dot a