WEBVTT - ASK UNCUT - How could you leave your baby?! 0:00:00.880 --> 0:00:05.280 Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout 0:00:05.320 --> 0:00:09.120 Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We 0:00:09.160 --> 0:00:11.959 pay our respect to their elders past and present and 0:00:12.039 --> 0:00:15.360 extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander 0:00:15.360 --> 0:00:16.120 peoples today. 0:00:16.320 --> 0:00:19.599 This episode is recorded on Gadigal Land of the Aurora Nation. 0:00:39.040 --> 0:00:41.920 Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life. 0:00:41.920 --> 0:00:45.400 I'm I'm Laura and I'm Brittany, and it is the 0:00:45.479 --> 0:00:48.120 day after the live show. It is. 0:00:48.200 --> 0:00:51.080 The live show was last night, which I can only 0:00:51.120 --> 0:00:54.160 imagine was wild. But as we've recorded this on Tuesday, 0:00:54.280 --> 0:00:56.600 because we had the live show, we can't be sure 0:00:56.680 --> 0:00:58.960 it's gonna be fucking great, though I'm hoping we can 0:00:59.000 --> 0:00:59.600 say it went well. 0:01:00.120 --> 0:01:01.840 You know what, if it didn't go well, you will 0:01:01.880 --> 0:01:03.960 all know about it because it's being live streamed. So 0:01:04.080 --> 0:01:07.399 that is truly frightening. Well it has been while we're 0:01:07.440 --> 0:01:10.280 business bastans like it could have been. Who knows. It's 0:01:10.319 --> 0:01:12.880 all a mystery, you know, but right now we don't. 0:01:12.880 --> 0:01:14.200 And that's pretty much what we're getting at. 0:01:14.280 --> 0:01:16.119 We're going to talk about that more on Tuesday when 0:01:16.120 --> 0:01:19.400 we can actually talk about it live like it happened. 0:01:19.480 --> 0:01:21.399 Yes, we are having to pre record this. We're recording 0:01:21.400 --> 0:01:23.840 this episode on Tuesday, and the reason for that is 0:01:23.880 --> 0:01:26.920 because tomorrow, literally from the minute we wake up to 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:28.600 the minute we go to bed, we have a live 0:01:28.640 --> 0:01:31.080 show to prep plan and also perform on stage. So 0:01:31.080 --> 0:01:32.360 it's going to be a fucking disaster. 0:01:32.720 --> 0:01:36.800 Don't say that it's going to be incredible. But anyway, 0:01:36.920 --> 0:01:38.600 enough about the show that we can't talk about. 0:01:38.720 --> 0:01:40.120 Do you know what I have something I wanted to 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:42.080 speak about before we get into answering all your deep, 0:01:42.120 --> 0:01:44.959 your dark, your burning questions. There's been something that has 0:01:45.120 --> 0:01:46.920 made the rounds in the news in the last couple 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:49.680 of days, and it gave me a lot of feels, 0:01:49.800 --> 0:01:52.200 especially coming off the back of my hens. If you 0:01:52.240 --> 0:01:55.640 didn't listen to Tuesday's episode. Last weekend, me and some 0:01:55.680 --> 0:01:58.480 of my closest, nearest and dearest, brick Keisha and all 0:01:58.480 --> 0:02:00.800 my other girlfriends, we all all went away for the 0:02:00.800 --> 0:02:03.440 weekend for a couple of nights. And now of my 0:02:03.520 --> 0:02:07.840 girlfriends there are several moms who have newborn babies, a 0:02:07.880 --> 0:02:10.600 couple of months old babies, and also a couple of 0:02:10.600 --> 0:02:12.360 pregnant women as well. I mean they were really in 0:02:12.360 --> 0:02:14.720 that phase of dress, that age having babies. 0:02:14.760 --> 0:02:16.840 They're also some single people are too. 0:02:16.800 --> 0:02:20.920 Not many just and Jazzy. Actually there was three, there 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:23.080 were stree. But look there is and has been a 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:25.360 few articles around as she binds. I don't know if 0:02:25.360 --> 0:02:27.040 you know who she is. I'm sure a lot of 0:02:27.080 --> 0:02:30.640 you do, but she is a fitness entrepreneur. She's quite 0:02:30.639 --> 0:02:33.800 famous across social media. She's been controversial for different reasons 0:02:33.800 --> 0:02:36.160 in the past. But the reason why she's in the 0:02:36.200 --> 0:02:38.680 media in the last couple of days is because she 0:02:38.800 --> 0:02:41.160 has a three month old baby. She also has a 0:02:41.160 --> 0:02:44.200 seven year old with her husband, and she went away 0:02:44.639 --> 0:02:48.160 on a girl's weekend for two nights, forty eight hours 0:02:48.200 --> 0:02:51.760 away from her three month old baby. Now, she left 0:02:51.760 --> 0:02:53.480 her baby, not in the closet, not you know, with 0:02:53.520 --> 0:02:55.680 a stranger down the street. She left her baby with 0:02:55.760 --> 0:02:59.280 her husband, the man who she chose to pro create with, 0:02:59.720 --> 0:03:03.840 took care of the child for two nights. And unfortunately, 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:07.200 because social media likes to weigh in on everything, this 0:03:07.240 --> 0:03:10.079 poor woman has caught some abuse from her followers or 0:03:10.080 --> 0:03:12.440 from people who have seen the fact that she's been 0:03:12.440 --> 0:03:14.160 away from her three month or baby for two days 0:03:14.200 --> 0:03:15.960 and felt like they needed to weigh in with their 0:03:16.040 --> 0:03:19.480 opinion comments like how could you leave your baby with 0:03:19.520 --> 0:03:20.520 Steve for that long? 0:03:20.840 --> 0:03:24.040 That is so wrong, as she binds. If you don't 0:03:24.040 --> 0:03:28.119 know she does have one million followers on Instagram, we 0:03:28.240 --> 0:03:30.280 know that's a lot of people's opinions. It's a lot 0:03:30.320 --> 0:03:32.920 of opinions flying at you, and we know that people 0:03:32.960 --> 0:03:35.400 don't always follow you and just have positive things to say. 0:03:35.480 --> 0:03:38.040 So she has said her inboxes filled up with these 0:03:38.080 --> 0:03:41.119 negative comments, and I actually like the way she responded, 0:03:41.120 --> 0:03:43.000 And I think that's the important thing here. Whether you 0:03:43.040 --> 0:03:45.560 agree with everything she has ever said or you disagree, 0:03:45.560 --> 0:03:47.920 there's been things I disagree with. I agree with her 0:03:47.960 --> 0:03:51.280 message here, She said, I know judgment has come flying 0:03:51.320 --> 0:03:54.160 my way for leaving my baby girl for forty eight hours, 0:03:54.200 --> 0:03:57.000 but hear me out. I love my baby, but I 0:03:57.040 --> 0:04:00.080 also love my friends. I love my baby, but I 0:04:00.120 --> 0:04:02.840 also love travel and variety. I love my baby, but 0:04:02.880 --> 0:04:05.680 also loved doing fun things just for me. I love 0:04:05.760 --> 0:04:08.680 my baby and fully trust and love Steve having his 0:04:08.800 --> 0:04:11.960 bonding time with the kids, and can enjoy myself knowing 0:04:12.080 --> 0:04:15.640 they are happy and safe. The only thing she has 0:04:15.680 --> 0:04:17.560 done here there's no way she hasn't just left her 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:19.239 baby on the side of the street with no food 0:04:19.240 --> 0:04:21.159 in the cold. She's left it in her home with 0:04:21.240 --> 0:04:24.960 her loving husband. Maybe she's breastfeeding. If she has, she 0:04:25.040 --> 0:04:28.000 would have expressed milk. If she's not in its own formula, 0:04:28.040 --> 0:04:29.200 she has left the baby food. 0:04:29.760 --> 0:04:32.080 Don't even have to leave the baby food. The dad 0:04:32.160 --> 0:04:34.080 can go and get formula from the shops. 0:04:34.120 --> 0:04:36.120 Well, she said, if this was Steve going away for 0:04:36.120 --> 0:04:38.360 two days, or any man going away for two days, 0:04:38.920 --> 0:04:41.080 you wouldn't hear about it. Everyone wo'd be like, have fun, 0:04:41.160 --> 0:04:43.560 have a great time. No, it would not even be 0:04:43.760 --> 0:04:45.839 a question. And I think that this is a pretty 0:04:45.960 --> 0:04:48.880 shitty thing to see that a woman has gone away 0:04:48.880 --> 0:04:51.120 with her friends for not even It wasn't even to it. 0:04:51.120 --> 0:04:53.440 I wasn't even forty eight hours. It was less than that. 0:04:53.520 --> 0:04:56.600 And she's copying a barrage of hate for what because 0:04:56.600 --> 0:04:59.520 she's not at home nurturing her little child. Like I'm 0:04:59.520 --> 0:05:01.080 not a mom, so it's hard for me to comment. 0:05:01.080 --> 0:05:03.440 But Laura, I imagine, I mean we've spoken about in 0:05:03.440 --> 0:05:05.560 the past, but I imagine when you have a baby, there 0:05:05.720 --> 0:05:08.560 is a level of you lose your identity, and you 0:05:08.600 --> 0:05:10.240 lose your old life and you miss your old life 0:05:10.279 --> 0:05:11.960 and you want to try and hold onto that part 0:05:12.000 --> 0:05:12.520 of your life. 0:05:12.560 --> 0:05:14.360 I mean, there's all kinds of mums, and I think 0:05:14.400 --> 0:05:16.600 that that's why it's so fine and why we shouldn't 0:05:16.640 --> 0:05:19.000 judge other people. There are mums who could not even 0:05:19.200 --> 0:05:21.840 fathom being away from their child at the three month mark, 0:05:22.120 --> 0:05:24.280 and a big reason for that probably is because they 0:05:24.320 --> 0:05:26.960 have incompetent partners who don't know what they're doing and 0:05:27.360 --> 0:05:30.480 haven't been actively trying to be involved. That that's one thing. 0:05:30.600 --> 0:05:32.960 Or it could be that they're breastfeeding therefore they can't 0:05:32.960 --> 0:05:35.159 be away from their child, or because they have high 0:05:35.160 --> 0:05:38.120 anxiety around it. All those things are completely fine. Then 0:05:38.160 --> 0:05:40.240 there are other types of mums who, you know, maybe 0:05:40.320 --> 0:05:43.279 their child is already bottled, formula fed, whatever it is for, 0:05:43.360 --> 0:05:45.680 you know, because that's their choice to do so, and 0:05:46.000 --> 0:05:49.719 they are so confident with their partner's involvement in raising 0:05:49.720 --> 0:05:52.520 their children. And this actually was so interesting to me. 0:05:52.720 --> 0:05:54.600 Even when we went away for our hands on the weekend, 0:05:55.160 --> 0:05:58.680 it was so obvious the two types of parenting that existed. 0:05:59.000 --> 0:06:01.920 So some of my friends had written a detailed list 0:06:01.920 --> 0:06:05.240 for their husbands. They had literally printed out this is 0:06:05.279 --> 0:06:07.080 what time they go to bed, this is what time 0:06:07.120 --> 0:06:08.560 they need to be, this is what you give them 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:10.440 for the breakfast, this is where the clothes are, this 0:06:10.520 --> 0:06:13.920 is it was like scheduled and formulaic so that nothing 0:06:13.920 --> 0:06:15.800 could go wrong, and it was printed out and put 0:06:15.800 --> 0:06:18.000 on the fridge. That was one end of the spectrum. 0:06:18.160 --> 0:06:19.919 On the other end of the spectrum, there were people 0:06:19.920 --> 0:06:22.600 like me who literally just kissed Matt goodbye and walked 0:06:22.640 --> 0:06:25.479 out of the house. I didn't check a single thing 0:06:25.520 --> 0:06:28.359 because I have full confidence that Matt knows exactly what 0:06:28.480 --> 0:06:31.200 to do, if not better than me, because he has 0:06:31.240 --> 0:06:33.360 the kids more often than I have the kids all day. 0:06:33.760 --> 0:06:36.560 So I think, like, it's when you see these negative 0:06:36.560 --> 0:06:41.000 comments and when another mum judges someone, You know, when 0:06:41.080 --> 0:06:43.640 one mom judges as she binds because she's taken two 0:06:43.720 --> 0:06:45.080 days away from her children. 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:47.320 And that mother can't possibly imagine taking two days away 0:06:47.320 --> 0:06:47.720 from her. 0:06:47.960 --> 0:06:50.279 Yeah, it's well, that's exactly it, right. What it is 0:06:50.279 --> 0:06:53.120 is it's a reflection of how of their relationship. It's 0:06:53.120 --> 0:06:55.480 a reflection of what is normal to them and what 0:06:55.560 --> 0:06:58.480 they could possibly handle. And I think that we can't 0:06:58.520 --> 0:07:00.919 impart what's normal to us on other people because we 0:07:01.000 --> 0:07:04.000 all parents so so differently. But I think, going back 0:07:04.040 --> 0:07:06.440 to something you said, Britt, like, when it comes to 0:07:07.279 --> 0:07:11.040 dads and the expectations around the involvement, the bar is 0:07:11.040 --> 0:07:13.280 pretty fucking low. I mean, like Matt did Dancing with 0:07:13.320 --> 0:07:16.480 the Stars for six weeks, six days after Lola was born. 0:07:16.680 --> 0:07:19.480 He was not home. He literally was not home for 0:07:19.560 --> 0:07:22.400 sixteen hours a day because he was off dancing. If 0:07:22.440 --> 0:07:24.920 I like, have one sweety, if I had given birth 0:07:24.960 --> 0:07:26.800 and then I was like, cool, Lola's on a bottle. 0:07:27.560 --> 0:07:30.720 I'm going to go and dance for sixteen hours a day, 0:07:30.720 --> 0:07:32.600 I mind you, I'd be very tired. But imagine if 0:07:32.640 --> 0:07:35.240 I had done that, the judgment I would have received 0:07:35.280 --> 0:07:38.160 for going and doing a reality TV show, the you know, 0:07:38.280 --> 0:07:40.400 the minute a kid had come out of me, would 0:07:40.440 --> 0:07:43.800 be so vastly different. But we just have extremely different 0:07:43.880 --> 0:07:46.440 standards for how we hold mothers versus how we hold dads. 0:07:46.840 --> 0:07:49.400 Not one person messaged Matt and said, oh, wow, you've 0:07:49.440 --> 0:07:51.480 just had a baby. Shouldn't you be home with the baby? 0:07:51.600 --> 0:07:55.520 Not a single person I said it, don't worry. I 0:07:56.480 --> 0:07:59.120 made him felt well aware of it, but not one 0:07:59.160 --> 0:08:02.040 person message, and I guess like for me, that's when 0:08:02.280 --> 0:08:05.840 that caveat between the expectations on mums and the expectations 0:08:05.840 --> 0:08:09.720 on dads and how we had these incredible society norms. 0:08:09.760 --> 0:08:13.320 Really was so obvious to me speaking about man, there 0:08:13.320 --> 0:08:15.080 are so many different kinds of mums and dads and 0:08:15.080 --> 0:08:17.680 parenting styles. This happened last weekend. So all of my friends, 0:08:17.720 --> 0:08:19.440 you know, I'm at the age all my friends are mums, 0:08:19.520 --> 0:08:21.880 like I'm the anomaly. And I went to one of 0:08:21.880 --> 0:08:23.440 their birthday parties. I haven't seen a lot of these 0:08:23.440 --> 0:08:25.240 people in a long time. It was one of those 0:08:25.240 --> 0:08:27.640 really nice catch ups. Anyway, one of the moms there 0:08:27.720 --> 0:08:30.560 started to tell this story about she's got two little 0:08:30.640 --> 0:08:34.280 kids with her husband, you know that great couple, great 0:08:34.280 --> 0:08:37.240 family life, everything's amazing. But she's always been the one 0:08:37.280 --> 0:08:39.679 that does most of the work with the kids. He's 0:08:39.720 --> 0:08:41.920 gone to work. Anyway, she had this one day that 0:08:41.960 --> 0:08:44.760 she's like, I have to get up and go to 0:08:44.760 --> 0:08:47.040 a meeting very early six am. So like, this is 0:08:47.080 --> 0:08:48.840 the first time in years there's a three year old. 0:08:49.640 --> 0:08:53.080 You have to do everything, Like you're gonna have to yes. Wait, 0:08:53.080 --> 0:08:55.280 He's like, okay, I get it, and so she wrote 0:08:55.320 --> 0:08:56.440 a list. She started to write a list. 0:08:56.520 --> 0:08:58.600 The morning routine is not even that hard. You literally 0:08:58.640 --> 0:09:00.360 just get them out of bed, get some weird picks 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:02.400 into them, put some clothes on them, pack a bag, 0:09:02.440 --> 0:09:04.679 and take them to daycare. That's my morning, so that 0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:06.560 everyone else is but that's what my morning looks like. 0:09:06.640 --> 0:09:09.280 That's exactly right. So's she starts to say to him, like, 0:09:09.320 --> 0:09:10.600 I'm going to tell you what to do. Let's go 0:09:10.640 --> 0:09:12.440 through the day. He's like, I'm not an idiot, like 0:09:12.480 --> 0:09:14.480 they are my kids too, Just let me do it, like, 0:09:14.600 --> 0:09:17.000 just have some faith. She's like, wow, okay. She gets 0:09:17.080 --> 0:09:19.720 up six point thirty, she goes to work. She gets 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:24.560 a call at probably like midday saying, hey, is it 0:09:24.600 --> 0:09:27.640 okay if we give the kids some food and is 0:09:27.679 --> 0:09:30.040 there a reason they don't have any food today? And 0:09:30.080 --> 0:09:32.679 she was like, what do you mean? She's like, well, 0:09:32.720 --> 0:09:36.360 there's they're hung they're really hungry, like they didn't pack lunch. No. 0:09:36.600 --> 0:09:37.800 So she called him and she goes, what did you 0:09:37.800 --> 0:09:39.199 pack the kids for lunch today? And he goes, what 0:09:39.200 --> 0:09:40.520 do you mean? What did I pack them? She's like, 0:09:40.520 --> 0:09:42.320 what have you given the kids to eat for the 0:09:42.480 --> 0:09:44.320 entire day for the eight hour and he's like, I 0:09:44.360 --> 0:09:47.120 didn't give them any food. She's like, that's the that 0:09:47.320 --> 0:09:49.160 is your one job. He's like, I didn't know I 0:09:49.160 --> 0:09:51.320 had to feed them for their day out at daycare. 0:09:51.360 --> 0:09:53.600 But like she's like, wow, Like all you have to 0:09:53.600 --> 0:09:54.640 do is feed your child. 0:09:54.760 --> 0:09:56.680 Like see, I have a lot of feelings about this 0:09:56.760 --> 0:09:58.439 when you say that, you know she was trying to 0:09:58.480 --> 0:10:00.880 give him instructions on how to run the day smoothly, 0:10:01.320 --> 0:10:03.400 and then he was dismissive of that, like, oh no, 0:10:03.440 --> 0:10:05.520 I've got it. I've already got it dialed for me. 0:10:05.640 --> 0:10:07.199 I look at this as though, imagine that this was 0:10:07.200 --> 0:10:09.760 an office space and you're high level skilled in your job. 0:10:09.840 --> 0:10:12.480 You do your job every single day, and for one day, 0:10:12.520 --> 0:10:14.520 you're stepping out of it and you need somebody to 0:10:14.600 --> 0:10:18.280 come in and replace you. Imagine imagine if you were 0:10:18.280 --> 0:10:21.240 trying to give them instructions on how to do your 0:10:21.320 --> 0:10:23.400 job the most efficiently and they turned around and said 0:10:23.440 --> 0:10:25.120 to you, don't worry about it. Your job's easy. 0:10:25.160 --> 0:10:25.560 I've got that. 0:10:26.080 --> 0:10:28.640 You'd be so annoyed that they're dismissive of the work 0:10:28.679 --> 0:10:30.480 that you do, but also that they think that your 0:10:30.520 --> 0:10:33.920 job is so easy that they don't require any assistance 0:10:34.000 --> 0:10:36.000 at all. And that's what he has done here in 0:10:36.040 --> 0:10:38.600 this situation, and I guess like it's one quick way 0:10:38.679 --> 0:10:40.199 to learn, it's one quick way to kind of be 0:10:40.200 --> 0:10:42.640 put in your spot where he's then sent them to 0:10:42.679 --> 0:10:45.000 daycare and they've had no food. But you don't want 0:10:45.040 --> 0:10:47.640 your kids to be the butt of that, right, You 0:10:47.640 --> 0:10:49.319 don't want your kids to be the ones who miss out, 0:10:49.320 --> 0:10:51.240 who go to daycare, who don't have food, because the 0:10:51.280 --> 0:10:53.679 only ones who are disadvantage in that whole situation are 0:10:53.720 --> 0:10:54.120 the kids. 0:10:54.520 --> 0:10:56.200 Oh yeah, And I mean, like this took a way 0:10:56.240 --> 0:10:57.800 more serious turn than I thought it was going. 0:10:58.559 --> 0:10:59.480 No, because the kids. 0:10:59.559 --> 0:11:01.680 Let's be clear, the kids lived in a very loving 0:11:01.720 --> 0:11:04.240 home and they didn't they didn't go hungry. The daycare 0:11:04.400 --> 0:11:06.000 was just like, are you happy for us to give 0:11:06.040 --> 0:11:08.040 them this on a sandwich? Like they were just approving 0:11:08.080 --> 0:11:10.600 the food. It's not like the kids were starving all day. 0:11:10.960 --> 0:11:13.480 It's just funny that she's like, Wow, this has been 0:11:13.520 --> 0:11:15.920 happening for three years and you didn't know how our 0:11:16.000 --> 0:11:18.800 days run, Like you didn't know what you have to do. 0:11:18.840 --> 0:11:20.439 There was just such a disparity. 0:11:20.559 --> 0:11:22.600 But that's the reality, and I know it's funny to 0:11:22.600 --> 0:11:24.160 look in on it, and I know it's funny to 0:11:24.200 --> 0:11:26.120 go like, oh, I thought this was going to be lighthearted, 0:11:26.160 --> 0:11:28.760 But I cannot tell you the amount of conversations I 0:11:28.800 --> 0:11:32.280 have had with friends who were mums who every day 0:11:32.440 --> 0:11:36.480 their partners don't know the load, the mental load, the workload, 0:11:36.760 --> 0:11:40.280 the childcring load that they do, and therefore the work 0:11:40.320 --> 0:11:42.720 that they do is dismissed as being easy. It happens 0:11:42.840 --> 0:11:44.480 every day, and I guess, like, as a mum, it's 0:11:44.520 --> 0:11:47.000 something I'm very sensitive about and I'm very lucky that 0:11:47.040 --> 0:11:49.280 it doesn't happen in my household, but I see it 0:11:49.320 --> 0:11:51.480 all the time, and I think, like with this and 0:11:51.520 --> 0:11:54.520 this conversation where we go back to Ash Buynes, it's 0:11:54.559 --> 0:11:58.360 other people's perception of how their relationship works that's being 0:11:58.400 --> 0:11:59.240 projected onto her. 0:11:59.320 --> 0:12:01.199 Look at the end of thea he learned his lesson. And 0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:02.880 I think it's safe to say those kids are going 0:12:02.880 --> 0:12:04.880 with a three course meal every single day today care 0:12:04.880 --> 0:12:06.400 now like they're the kids that everyone wants to go 0:12:06.440 --> 0:12:07.800 and take their food. They've got the buffet, they've got 0:12:07.840 --> 0:12:09.760 all you can eat, Like these kids are. 0:12:09.440 --> 0:12:12.240 Just fine, all right, let's get into answering all of 0:12:12.280 --> 0:12:14.319 your deep, your dark and your burning questions. And I'm 0:12:14.320 --> 0:12:16.520 going to kick it off with question number one. It's 0:12:16.520 --> 0:12:18.880 always a good place, never starts at one, all Right, 0:12:19.160 --> 0:12:22.600 How to get over the immense amount of guilt that 0:12:22.679 --> 0:12:25.840 I am ruining someone else's life when breaking up with someone? 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:28.640 For context, I have just broken up with my boyfriend 0:12:28.640 --> 0:12:31.000 of over two years. Yes, we did have some issues 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:33.920 that weren't being resolved, hence the breakup, but I can't 0:12:33.960 --> 0:12:36.560 shake this immense feeling of guilt that I've wasted his 0:12:36.760 --> 0:12:39.520 time and don't want him to not find happiness again. 0:12:39.960 --> 0:12:42.040 He has to already move out and miss out on 0:12:42.080 --> 0:12:43.920 our trip overseas at the end of the year, and 0:12:44.000 --> 0:12:45.960 I feel like it's all just too much for him. 0:12:46.440 --> 0:12:48.920 So basically, she doesn't regret breaking up. She's happy that 0:12:48.920 --> 0:12:50.560 she's broken up, she doesn't want to be with him, 0:12:50.800 --> 0:12:53.040 she just feels guilty for ruining his life. 0:12:53.480 --> 0:12:56.480 I mean, without doubt, historically speaking, I've been in a situation. 0:12:56.559 --> 0:12:58.440 But I can tell you he is going to be 0:12:58.840 --> 0:13:03.040 just fine. This is unfortunately a part of life that 0:13:03.120 --> 0:13:06.040 almost every single person is going to experience at some point, 0:13:06.080 --> 0:13:08.720 even if they don't experience a hardcore breakup. They're going 0:13:08.760 --> 0:13:12.840 to experience hurt and disappointment and that feeling of being 0:13:12.880 --> 0:13:14.880 let down or that feeling of starting again, whether that's 0:13:14.880 --> 0:13:17.640 starting to get in a new place, a relationship, a job. 0:13:18.200 --> 0:13:20.920 These feelings are normal. It's great that you feel guilt 0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:23.080 because that means you're human. That means you're feeling fatic, 0:13:23.280 --> 0:13:26.720 you're empathetic, you're feeling things. You loved this person and 0:13:26.760 --> 0:13:29.160 they loved you, So this is actually a good thing. 0:13:29.240 --> 0:13:31.480 Guilt means you're not a sociopath. It means you have 0:13:31.520 --> 0:13:34.400 a connection to reality and a connection to other humans. 0:13:34.400 --> 0:13:37.440 So like, this is a nice feeling to know that 0:13:37.480 --> 0:13:39.920 you've got and that you cared about him. All you 0:13:39.960 --> 0:13:42.840 can do is be supportive in the breakup, being supportive 0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:44.640 of him if he does need anything. That sounds like 0:13:44.640 --> 0:13:47.800 you ended very amicably, you just grew apart. But the 0:13:47.840 --> 0:13:49.760 worst thing you can do is put your life on 0:13:49.920 --> 0:13:53.600 hold because you are that worried about somebody else moving on. 0:13:53.720 --> 0:13:56.719 Like I literally didn't break up with my ex for 0:13:56.760 --> 0:13:59.320 like eighteen months because I was like, he's never going 0:13:59.360 --> 0:14:01.640 to move on, Like I can't picture him out in 0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:03.160 the wild on his own, Like, yeah, he doesn't know 0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:04.319 how to live alone without me. 0:14:04.520 --> 0:14:06.480 He's never gonna find anyone better than me. This poor 0:14:06.520 --> 0:14:07.360 guy will be doing. 0:14:07.280 --> 0:14:08.920 He's never gonna be happy again. I can't do that 0:14:08.960 --> 0:14:11.240 to him anyway. Like, ten years later, I'm still the 0:14:11.280 --> 0:14:13.480 one that hasn't moved on. He's well and truly moved on. 0:14:13.520 --> 0:14:14.640 That guy's done just fine. 0:14:14.679 --> 0:14:16.440 Do you know what? This is the big thing? And 0:14:16.480 --> 0:14:19.440 I think, like, and I resonate with that so much, britute, Like, 0:14:19.520 --> 0:14:24.080 I dated someone and for literally a year, an entire 0:14:24.360 --> 0:14:27.680 year of our relationship, I wanted to break up, but 0:14:27.760 --> 0:14:30.360 I just one I couldn't get the balls, and two 0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:33.200 I felt so guilty because I thought he would be 0:14:33.280 --> 0:14:36.200 so miserable, I would ruin his life. Guess what, he 0:14:36.360 --> 0:14:38.720 is married and he has kids and he's so fucking 0:14:38.760 --> 0:14:41.080 happy to be with someone who actually loves him. What 0:14:41.160 --> 0:14:43.920 a better relationship that is? And I think that's the 0:14:43.960 --> 0:14:46.360 big thing, right, Like we see our lives based on 0:14:46.400 --> 0:14:48.600 where we are right there in that moment, and we think, God, 0:14:48.640 --> 0:14:50.680 they're going to be so hurt, And of course they're 0:14:50.680 --> 0:14:53.320 gonna be so hurt, but it's much better to have 0:14:53.400 --> 0:14:56.960 gone through a bad breakup, to get to the other 0:14:57.000 --> 0:14:59.040 side of that breakup and then to one day be 0:14:59.160 --> 0:15:01.560 with someone who uses you and who loves you and 0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:03.840 wants to be with you, rather than being in a 0:15:03.880 --> 0:15:07.160 relationship with someone when you know or you know it 0:15:07.240 --> 0:15:09.320 turns out that that person doesn't love you and doesn't 0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:12.440 want to be with you anymore. And do you ever think, though, Britt, Like, 0:15:12.480 --> 0:15:14.080 when you look back on it, on one part, you 0:15:14.120 --> 0:15:16.400 can be like, yeah, it was really empathetic, But on 0:15:16.440 --> 0:15:18.520 the other part, look back and think, God, I had 0:15:18.560 --> 0:15:20.840 an inflated sense of my own ego that he was 0:15:20.920 --> 0:15:23.360 never gonna be happier than when we were together, Like 0:15:23.360 --> 0:15:24.120 one hundred percent. 0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:26.640 It's the classic. And for me it's been from day one, 0:15:26.720 --> 0:15:29.320 like I'm the one before the one, Like I get them, 0:15:29.560 --> 0:15:32.200 like I free them out into the world to go 0:15:32.400 --> 0:15:33.280 find their happy ending. 0:15:33.360 --> 0:15:35.880 I'm like fly free they break up. You guys are 0:15:35.880 --> 0:15:37.520 breaking up and they're like, I'm never gonna be happy, 0:15:37.560 --> 0:15:39.120 and you're like, oh, trust me, you will, And I'm 0:15:39.120 --> 0:15:41.280 a hegistic says you absolutely will be fine. 0:15:42.200 --> 0:15:43.080 Eighty percent of the time. 0:15:43.160 --> 0:15:44.280 It works. Every time. 0:15:44.640 --> 0:15:46.440 I'm still in the supermarket crying because I ran out 0:15:46.440 --> 0:15:49.440 of pumpkins, like we have gone very different directions, Like 0:15:49.800 --> 0:15:51.800 this person is going to be okay, it might take 0:15:51.800 --> 0:15:54.240 them a little bit longer. Maybe you'll go through something 0:15:54.320 --> 0:15:56.360 that's like a regression. You question what you did in 0:15:56.360 --> 0:15:58.640 your decision as well, maybe like have I made a mistake, 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:01.040 I miss him, I miss situation? Did I do the 0:16:01.120 --> 0:16:03.880 right thing? Can I say one thing on this though? Yeah? 0:16:03.920 --> 0:16:06.000 Okay, yeah, your podcasts all right. 0:16:07.040 --> 0:16:07.800 I do worry. 0:16:07.920 --> 0:16:10.320 I did worry about this question, And the reason why 0:16:10.480 --> 0:16:13.560 is because I see a young Laura. I see myself 0:16:13.600 --> 0:16:16.040 in you, young one. The reason why I worry a 0:16:16.080 --> 0:16:18.400 little bit is because I think if you feel this 0:16:18.760 --> 0:16:21.920 immense amount of guilt, like if you're like, I am 0:16:22.040 --> 0:16:25.120 so guilty for making him feel bad. Often when you 0:16:25.160 --> 0:16:28.520 feel that level of guilt, you feel like you're responsible 0:16:28.560 --> 0:16:30.840 to make them feel better, Like you don't want them 0:16:30.880 --> 0:16:33.080 to hurt, so you also want to like when they 0:16:33.120 --> 0:16:34.960 call or they text, you want to be there to 0:16:35.040 --> 0:16:38.760 support them through it. Now, this is harsh, but it 0:16:38.880 --> 0:16:42.120 is the absolute truth. You cannot break up with someone 0:16:42.440 --> 0:16:45.400 and also be their support person to support them through it. 0:16:45.880 --> 0:16:49.160 That is really, really, actually quite a cruel thing to 0:16:49.200 --> 0:16:51.240 do that to that person, because all it's doing is 0:16:51.280 --> 0:16:53.960 giving them hope that maybe you'll get back together. So 0:16:54.000 --> 0:16:57.120 you can't make yourself one hundred percent available all of 0:16:57.160 --> 0:16:59.560 the time to them and to every single need and want. 0:16:59.760 --> 0:17:01.960 There has to be some sort of severance. And I 0:17:02.000 --> 0:17:04.720 don't mean fucking ghosts them and never talk to them again, 0:17:04.760 --> 0:17:06.560 but I do mean that you have to be quite 0:17:06.840 --> 0:17:09.439 set and firm in that you're not going to be 0:17:09.520 --> 0:17:10.240