1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:03,640 Speaker 1: So an app I use every day is called Forest. 2 00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:07,760 Speaker 1: It's a free app. It's on my iPhone and this 3 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,440 Speaker 1: is how it works. Simply, you open this app, you 4 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:12,479 Speaker 1: put in how much time you want to do focused 5 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,560 Speaker 1: work for and a little virtual tree is planted right, 6 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,560 Speaker 1: So the entire screen is taken up by this little 7 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:21,920 Speaker 1: virtual tree. If you pick up the phone and try 8 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 1: and do anything with it, the virtual tree dies. That's 9 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:27,520 Speaker 1: a stupid little virtual tree. Who cares, right, But it's 10 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:30,680 Speaker 1: enough of a reminder that you've made a pre commitment, 11 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,559 Speaker 1: that you've made a pact with yourself, and it reminds 12 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:36,440 Speaker 1: you that using the phone for some other purpose is 13 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,280 Speaker 1: not what you wanted to do with your time. 14 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:45,280 Speaker 2: Welcome to How I Work, a show about the tactics 15 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:47,519 Speaker 2: used by leading innovators to get so much out of 16 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:51,640 Speaker 2: their day. I'm your host, doctor Amantha. I'm an organizational psychologist, 17 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,920 Speaker 2: the founder of innovation consultancy Inventium, and I'm obsessed with 18 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:58,480 Speaker 2: finding ways to optimize my work date. My guest today 19 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:03,760 Speaker 2: is nia elna Is, an international best selling author, former 20 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:09,319 Speaker 2: Stanford University lecturer, successful tech investor, and behavioral design expert. 21 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:13,360 Speaker 2: Five years ago, Near wrote what is widely considered to 22 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:18,080 Speaker 2: be Silicon Valley's handbook for making technology habit, forming a 23 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:22,640 Speaker 2: book called Hooked. This week, his latest book, Indiestractable, is 24 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:26,880 Speaker 2: coming out, which reveals the hidden psychology driving us to distraction. 25 00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:29,920 Speaker 2: In this book, he describes a way solving the problem 26 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,400 Speaker 2: is not as simple as swearing off our devices, and 27 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:37,080 Speaker 2: in fact, Nea claims that abstinence is impractical and office 28 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:40,520 Speaker 2: makes us actually want more. Now, I was lucky enough 29 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,679 Speaker 2: to read an advance copy of Indestractable, which I devoured 30 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:46,400 Speaker 2: in one sitting. It is such a great book and 31 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:49,880 Speaker 2: such a fresh and unique take on the productivity and 32 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:54,880 Speaker 2: whole kind of focus digital distractions genre, and so, as 33 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:57,840 Speaker 2: you can imagine, I was very excited to chat to 34 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,160 Speaker 2: Near about the ideas in the book and how he 35 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 2: has applied them in his own life. So, if you're 36 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:07,440 Speaker 2: finding yourself constantly distracted by digital and even non digital 37 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:10,600 Speaker 2: things throughout your day, then I am sure that you 38 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:14,079 Speaker 2: will learn some really great strategies to help you become 39 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:18,320 Speaker 2: indestractable in this chat. So on that note, over to 40 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:22,640 Speaker 2: Near to find out about how he works. Hello, Nia, 41 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:23,760 Speaker 2: Welcome to the show. 42 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,000 Speaker 1: Great to be here, Thanks so much for having me. 43 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:30,480 Speaker 2: So I was just saying before we started hitting record 44 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:33,640 Speaker 2: is that I read an advanced copy of Indistractable and 45 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:36,640 Speaker 2: I absolutely loved it. I just felt it brought something 46 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,480 Speaker 2: so fresh and interesting to what is quite a well 47 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:40,679 Speaker 2: trodden kind of category. 48 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:43,960 Speaker 1: I really appreciate that. Thank you. I really wanted to 49 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:46,920 Speaker 1: write the book I couldn't find, because I you know, 50 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 1: before I start any book project, I read up on 51 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:52,079 Speaker 1: everything else that's been written in this genre to make 52 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:55,120 Speaker 1: sure that you know, I'm looking for the answer to 53 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:58,320 Speaker 1: my question. But you know, the only reason I write 54 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,200 Speaker 1: a book is when I can't find a book book 55 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:03,320 Speaker 1: that answers the question I'm looking to answer in a 56 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:07,000 Speaker 1: way that I like. And so in this case, I 57 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,359 Speaker 1: was really happy to kind of get something out there 58 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,360 Speaker 1: that works for me first and foremost. I mean, that's 59 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,120 Speaker 1: really why I write these books, is to answer my 60 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,639 Speaker 1: own questions and that other people resonate with it as well. 61 00:03:15,639 --> 00:03:18,320 Speaker 1: That's just icing on the cake. So thank you, Ah, 62 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:18,840 Speaker 1: that's cool. 63 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,320 Speaker 2: Out of interest, which books that were in the category 64 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:25,840 Speaker 2: did you find most influential or most helpful? 65 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:32,600 Speaker 1: No comment. I didn't find any that were helpful because 66 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:37,840 Speaker 1: the narrative out there when it comes to distraction is 67 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:43,960 Speaker 1: by and large, it's the technology doing it to you 68 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,080 Speaker 1: that whatever. And this is by the way you could substitute. 69 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:50,200 Speaker 1: You know, go back twenty years and it's television, or no, sorry, 70 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:51,960 Speaker 1: go back twenty years and it's video games. Go back 71 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,160 Speaker 1: twenty years, it's television, go back twenty years, it's radio. 72 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,800 Speaker 1: Go back twenty years, it's something else, pinball machines or 73 00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,560 Speaker 1: whatever else. You know, you go back far enough. Even 74 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,560 Speaker 1: Airstar all talked about how the written word was this 75 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:06,480 Speaker 1: terrible new technology that'll end feeble men's minds. So this 76 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,120 Speaker 1: tends to be the genre because you can make a 77 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 1: lot of money with scary headlines that say this new 78 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,880 Speaker 1: thing now melting your brain. You know, we have fear cells. 79 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,080 Speaker 1: And that's what every book in the genre basically tells you, 80 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:21,120 Speaker 1: is that it's all technology's fault. And I don't buy it. 81 00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:22,320 Speaker 1: I call bullshit. 82 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, I want to get more into that, but I 83 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:29,040 Speaker 2: thought to frame up discussion. You've got this brilliant, bit 84 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:33,400 Speaker 2: really simple framework that kind of covers the majority of 85 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,280 Speaker 2: the book. I was wondering if you could just talk 86 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 2: listeners through that framework, because that will probably help anchor 87 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,080 Speaker 2: some of what we'll get into in this discussion. 88 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:43,760 Speaker 1: Sure, So I want you to picture a big plus 89 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:47,040 Speaker 1: mark in your mind, like kind of like the four 90 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,280 Speaker 1: points of a compass. So you get this like horizontal 91 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:53,360 Speaker 1: axis and vertical axis, and along the horizontal axis on 92 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:59,239 Speaker 1: one side you have traction. Traction is defined as any action. 93 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,680 Speaker 1: You know. It's the word ends action. Traction ends in 94 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,520 Speaker 1: the five words action, reminding us that this is something 95 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,719 Speaker 1: that we do, not something that happens to us. Traction 96 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,039 Speaker 1: this would be if this was a compass, this would 97 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:14,520 Speaker 1: be to the east. This is something that you do 98 00:05:14,839 --> 00:05:18,279 Speaker 1: that with intent. Traction is any action that pulls you 99 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,040 Speaker 1: towards what you want to do in life. Now, the 100 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 1: opposite of traction is distraction. So on the west side 101 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:31,640 Speaker 1: of this plus mark, you would have distraction. Distraction is 102 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:34,400 Speaker 1: any action that pulls you away from what you want 103 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:37,680 Speaker 1: to do in life. So the opposite of distraction is 104 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 1: not focused. The opposite of distraction is traction. They both 105 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:46,000 Speaker 1: come from the Latin route meaning trahare, which means to pull. 106 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,840 Speaker 1: So traction is anything that pulls you towards what you want. 107 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,680 Speaker 1: Distraction is anything that pulls you away from what you want. 108 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,960 Speaker 1: And this is a really important dichotomy, because there's no 109 00:05:56,839 --> 00:06:03,560 Speaker 1: moral moral superiority around saying that one person's pastime is 110 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,440 Speaker 1: somehow any better or worse than another person's pastime. So 111 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:10,040 Speaker 1: if you want to spend time playing candy crush or 112 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,479 Speaker 1: on Facebook or YouTube, that is no more morally superior 113 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:17,440 Speaker 1: than watching football on TV or whatever it else you 114 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,240 Speaker 1: want to do as a pastime. Anything that you plan 115 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,320 Speaker 1: to do with your time, even if you plan to 116 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,760 Speaker 1: waste time, there's a great quote that goes, the time 117 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,920 Speaker 1: you plan to waste is not wasted time. As long 118 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,560 Speaker 1: as you plan to waste that time, that's perfectly fine. 119 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:35,800 Speaker 1: So it's wonderful to plan relaxation, meditation, prayer, any kind 120 00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:37,800 Speaker 1: of task that you want to plan, as long as 121 00:06:37,839 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 1: you plan it with intent. Anything that is not planned 122 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,240 Speaker 1: with intent is a distraction. Or anything that you do 123 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:46,240 Speaker 1: that you didn't plan to do is a distraction. So 124 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:49,359 Speaker 1: you have traction. You have distraction. Now you've got the 125 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,120 Speaker 1: north in the south right, and here I want you 126 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:55,800 Speaker 1: to picture on this vertical access too arrows pointing inward. Now, 127 00:06:55,839 --> 00:07:02,400 Speaker 1: these two arrows represent external triggers, and triggers. External triggers 128 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,159 Speaker 1: are the things in our environment that prompt us to 129 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:08,680 Speaker 1: either traction or distraction. So these are all the pings, dings, rings, 130 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:12,160 Speaker 1: and things that prompt you to either traction something you 131 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,239 Speaker 1: plan to do, or distraction something that took you off track. 132 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 1: If it's an alarm that tells you, hey, it's time 133 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,400 Speaker 1: to go exercise, or time to call your parents or 134 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,360 Speaker 1: meet with your friends, well those are acts of traction 135 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:27,040 Speaker 1: that you plan for and so they're very helpful. On 136 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,680 Speaker 1: the other hand, if you get a ping or ding, 137 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,120 Speaker 1: some kind of external trigger that prompts you to do 138 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,840 Speaker 1: something you didn't plan to do, that prompts you towards distraction. 139 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,480 Speaker 1: So if you're with your family or friends and you 140 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,320 Speaker 1: get a notification on your phone when you plan to 141 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,920 Speaker 1: have a nice dinner together, well, now that's a distraction. 142 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 1: It's taking you off track from what you wanted to do. Now, 143 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,440 Speaker 1: external triggers are what everybody thinks about when they think 144 00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:52,880 Speaker 1: about distraction, but actually the most common source of distraction 145 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:58,160 Speaker 1: is not the external trigger. Rather it is the internal trigger. 146 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,400 Speaker 1: The internal trigger is very top at the north of 147 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:05,080 Speaker 1: this little plus mark compass. These are things that prompt 148 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:09,760 Speaker 1: you to either traction or distraction, but where they originate 149 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:13,640 Speaker 1: from within us. So the number one source of distraction 150 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:17,440 Speaker 1: comes from within. Distraction starts from within. This is a 151 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:21,480 Speaker 1: very very important lesson because I can give you every 152 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:24,720 Speaker 1: productivity tip and trick there is. But if you do 153 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:31,800 Speaker 1: not master your internal triggers, your uncomfortable emotional states, you 154 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:36,320 Speaker 1: will always find distraction and you will not get enough done, 155 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:38,520 Speaker 1: or you will not fulfill your potential and get enough done. 156 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:41,160 Speaker 1: I should say, so this is really important. This is 157 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:42,040 Speaker 1: where to start. 158 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, And I want to know because you, through writing 159 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:49,040 Speaker 2: the book and through the research process, really changed your relationship. 160 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:52,000 Speaker 2: I guess both with those internal and external triggers around 161 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,080 Speaker 2: getting distracted. And I wonder what did you find hardest 162 00:08:55,120 --> 00:09:01,360 Speaker 2: about changing your own relationship with distractions and becoming indiestractable. 163 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:06,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, So the the internal trigger piece is the hardest. 164 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:10,960 Speaker 1: The other three are more tactical. You know, Tactics are 165 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,480 Speaker 1: what you do, strategy is why you do it. And 166 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:17,600 Speaker 1: so there's very tactical steps you can take to make 167 00:09:17,679 --> 00:09:21,760 Speaker 1: time for traction, to hack back the external triggers, to 168 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:26,040 Speaker 1: prevent distraction. With pacts, they're very specific things you can do, 169 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,320 Speaker 1: and I you know, describe those in the book. But 170 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,959 Speaker 1: when it comes to these internal triggers. This is where 171 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,679 Speaker 1: the icky, sticky truth is that we don't want to face. 172 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:38,360 Speaker 1: So I remember this one particular instance when I was 173 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,600 Speaker 1: I had an afternoon with my daughter, and we had 174 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 1: this book of activities that daddies and daughters could play together, 175 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,079 Speaker 1: and one of the activities was to ask each other 176 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:51,840 Speaker 1: this question that if you could have any superpower, what 177 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:55,000 Speaker 1: superpower would you want? And I wish I could tell 178 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,280 Speaker 1: you what she said in that moment, but I can't 179 00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:02,400 Speaker 1: because just then I'd gotten some notification or some internal 180 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,160 Speaker 1: trigger that I was looking to escape on my phone, 181 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:09,160 Speaker 1: and I decided to to scroll away or check some 182 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,560 Speaker 1: email or do something silly at the time on my 183 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:14,000 Speaker 1: device as opposed to being fully present with someone I 184 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,800 Speaker 1: love very much. And she got the message that she 185 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,920 Speaker 1: was less important than my phone, and she left the 186 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 1: room and I didn't notice that she'd left until a 187 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,319 Speaker 1: few minutes later I looked up and she was gone. 188 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,680 Speaker 1: And so that was kind of the seminal moment when 189 00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:28,200 Speaker 1: I decided, you know what, I really have to understand 190 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,360 Speaker 1: what's going on here, and I wish I could just, 191 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 1: you know, slough off responsibility and say, you see. It 192 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,920 Speaker 1: was my iPhone that did it to me. But it 193 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:39,560 Speaker 1: wasn't because I was dealing with some stuff inside me 194 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,440 Speaker 1: that I didn't know how to cope with in a 195 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:45,240 Speaker 1: healthier manner. I was feeling particularly stressed. There was a 196 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:49,600 Speaker 1: few things going on in my life. There was things 197 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:52,240 Speaker 1: that I was looking to escape from. And if we 198 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:56,360 Speaker 1: don't understand this fundamental truth that all distractions, whether it's 199 00:10:56,360 --> 00:11:00,560 Speaker 1: spending time online, whether it's too much work work, spending 200 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:04,040 Speaker 1: too much time at work, whether it's booze, whether there's 201 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:07,000 Speaker 1: all kinds of distractions out there, when we are looking 202 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,600 Speaker 1: to escape, we always are looking to escape one thing, 203 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,400 Speaker 1: and that is an uncomfortable emotional state. And so we 204 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:16,240 Speaker 1: have to learn how to master these internal triggers or 205 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:19,760 Speaker 1: we'll always be distracted by something and no productivity technique 206 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:20,520 Speaker 1: is going to help that. 207 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:24,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, because you talk in the book about looking for 208 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:29,600 Speaker 2: the discomfort that precedes the distraction, and how did you 209 00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:34,200 Speaker 2: go about identifying that for you? Did you look back 210 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:37,240 Speaker 2: on that moment with your daughter and try to analyze 211 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,080 Speaker 2: what it was that drew you to your phone in 212 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:39,560 Speaker 2: that moment? 213 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, And so part of it was that I 214 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:46,560 Speaker 1: had just become bored, right, so I'd spent too much 215 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:48,960 Speaker 1: time in one sitting with my daughter. But that wasn't 216 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,719 Speaker 1: my daughter's fault. And yet she was the victim of 217 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,960 Speaker 1: that instance. She paid the price, and she didn't she 218 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:57,800 Speaker 1: deserved better. And so now I've learned techniques to help 219 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,679 Speaker 1: me cope with that discomfort and the healthier maas. So 220 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,680 Speaker 1: there's two things you can do with these internal triggers. 221 00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:07,480 Speaker 1: You can either learn techniques to cope with that discomfort. 222 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,760 Speaker 1: By the way, this isn't just for folks, you know, 223 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,760 Speaker 1: fathers and daughters. This is for anybody in any circumstance. 224 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,760 Speaker 1: Whenever we feel these uncomfortable emotional states that we seek 225 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:18,679 Speaker 1: to escape, we can do two things. We can either 226 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,960 Speaker 1: learn tactics to cope with that discomfort or can change 227 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:26,120 Speaker 1: the source of the discomfort itself. And we need to 228 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:29,080 Speaker 1: use these two in concert. There's been a I think 229 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,880 Speaker 1: a shift lately to just do one of those, and 230 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:35,600 Speaker 1: I think this rise in mindfulness and meditation. These are 231 00:12:35,679 --> 00:12:39,600 Speaker 1: great tools, but I don't think they are exhaustive. We 232 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,240 Speaker 1: don't want to just meditate all day, We don't want 233 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,120 Speaker 1: to just be mindful and focus on the sensations all day. 234 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:48,559 Speaker 1: Those are effective techniques, But we also don't want to 235 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:52,079 Speaker 1: forget that we need to change the source of the discomfort. 236 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:56,280 Speaker 1: If we can, we should only apply mindfulness and meditation, 237 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:59,520 Speaker 1: these type of techniques to cope with discomfort if we 238 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:03,080 Speaker 1: can change the source of the problem. So, for many people, 239 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:06,720 Speaker 1: the source of their discomfort is their work environments. Many 240 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:14,240 Speaker 1: people work in toxic cultures that perpetuate these symptoms of 241 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,920 Speaker 1: anxiety and even depression disorder. There's a certain type of 242 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:21,840 Speaker 1: work environment we know literally creates depression anxiety disorders. And 243 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,320 Speaker 1: so what do people do when they feel bad, Well, 244 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,720 Speaker 1: they look for any semblance to make them feel in 245 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,800 Speaker 1: control again. They call superfluous meetings, they send emails they 246 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,880 Speaker 1: shouldn't send. They're grasping for some kind of control and 247 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,560 Speaker 1: an agency over their circumstances. And so many of these 248 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,880 Speaker 1: issues are these more systemic problems of the environments we 249 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:45,320 Speaker 1: find ourselves in. And so when we can change those circumstances, 250 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:49,320 Speaker 1: we absolutely should. Now when we can't change those circumstances, 251 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,760 Speaker 1: we can learn techniques to cope with that discomfort. So 252 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:57,160 Speaker 1: there's three big strategies. We can reimagine the trigger, we 253 00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:01,160 Speaker 1: can reimagine the task, and we can reimagine our temperament. 254 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,440 Speaker 1: And these three techniques are everything in the book is 255 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,960 Speaker 1: backed with a lot of research. You saw the bibliography. 256 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:10,480 Speaker 1: It's it's pretty enormous. These aren't these aren't you know, 257 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,920 Speaker 1: pet techniques that I use. These are techniques that are 258 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:17,600 Speaker 1: all appeared in peer review journals. And so I talk 259 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,080 Speaker 1: about these many techniques that we can use to help 260 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:23,040 Speaker 1: us cope with that discomfort in a healthier manner. We 261 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,840 Speaker 1: can go into those in more depth. If that's interesting. 262 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:29,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, I actually want to come back to boredom like given. 263 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,920 Speaker 2: You know, I think a lot of parents can experience 264 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,520 Speaker 2: that if they're spending a lot of time with their 265 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,200 Speaker 2: child or children, and in your case, your door. I've 266 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,240 Speaker 2: also got a little girl as well. It can sometimes 267 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,480 Speaker 2: get boring, as much as we hate to admit it. 268 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,680 Speaker 2: And in your book you write about the cure for 269 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:47,520 Speaker 2: boredom is curiosity, and I'm curious how how have you 270 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:49,760 Speaker 2: applied that in your own life. 271 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, the cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no 272 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:56,640 Speaker 1: cure for curiosity. I love that quote. Yeah, and so 273 00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:58,760 Speaker 1: this is this is one of those three techniques that 274 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,000 Speaker 1: I talked about in terms of re imagining the trigger, 275 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:04,200 Speaker 1: reimagining the task, and reimagining your temperament. This comes under 276 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,440 Speaker 1: the category of reimagining the task. That one of the 277 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:11,280 Speaker 1: techniques we can use to make a task that is 278 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:15,560 Speaker 1: otherwise boring or tiresome or just not much fun is 279 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:19,560 Speaker 1: to do what Ian Bogos calls play anything. And he 280 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,840 Speaker 1: tells us he's a professor at Georgia Tech. And he 281 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:27,000 Speaker 1: tells us that play doesn't have to be enjoyable, which 282 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,760 Speaker 1: is kind of weird, right, you would think, well, it doesn't. 283 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,000 Speaker 1: Play has to be fun, right, it has to be enjoyable. 284 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:36,000 Speaker 1: Not necessarily. Play can also serve as a diversion. Distraction 285 00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:39,600 Speaker 1: is always bad. Distraction, by my definition of distraction is 286 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:41,600 Speaker 1: something that pulls us away from what we want to do. 287 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,960 Speaker 1: But sometimes diversion of attention can be very good. And 288 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,480 Speaker 1: so Bogos tells us to divert our attention from the 289 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,520 Speaker 1: uncomfortable aspects of a task, not in the way most 290 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,640 Speaker 1: people think. Most people think of the kind of Mary 291 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:57,200 Speaker 1: Poppins spoonful of sugar kind of way where you know, 292 00:15:57,520 --> 00:15:59,280 Speaker 1: give it a reward at the end, And this is 293 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,360 Speaker 1: called extras motivation, and it doesn't work for very long. 294 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,200 Speaker 1: It can work for short sprints of a task that 295 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,280 Speaker 1: you don't have to do again and again, But if 296 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,480 Speaker 1: it's something you have to do repeatedly, it's not a 297 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,600 Speaker 1: great technique because all the motivation comes from outside of 298 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,720 Speaker 1: you as opposed to within you. And so what Bogos 299 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:21,120 Speaker 1: recommends is two things. One, focus more intently on the task. 300 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:25,080 Speaker 1: As you mentioned, get more curious about the way the 301 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:28,320 Speaker 1: task works. You know, what is it? Well, what are 302 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,640 Speaker 1: all the specifics and variables about that task? And then 303 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,360 Speaker 1: the second thing we should do is to look for 304 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,560 Speaker 1: the variability, to look for what changes right, what kind 305 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:41,760 Speaker 1: of uncertainty you might find in a task. And you say, okay, 306 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,560 Speaker 1: well I kind of get it, and I want to 307 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:47,440 Speaker 1: add a look for the variability and focus more intently 308 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,560 Speaker 1: on the task. But how does this apply in real life? Well, 309 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,320 Speaker 1: there are all kinds of things that people do for 310 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:58,400 Speaker 1: the sheer pleasure of the task that if I asked 311 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,640 Speaker 1: you to do, you would say, you're you'd have to 312 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,440 Speaker 1: pay me. I would never do that for fun. Consider 313 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:07,359 Speaker 1: the car buff who loves tinkering with their car. But 314 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,200 Speaker 1: most people wouldn't do that unless you pay them. As 315 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,440 Speaker 1: to work as a mechanic, and yet the car buff 316 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:16,520 Speaker 1: does it for the love. Think about the coffee obsessed barista, 317 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:20,439 Speaker 1: right who's just infatuated with that perfect cup. You know, 318 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,720 Speaker 1: most people need to be paid to make coffee, but 319 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,920 Speaker 1: the coffee buff loves it. The person who quilts or 320 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,000 Speaker 1: knits just for the pure pleasure of it, not because 321 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,119 Speaker 1: they're being paid in some factory, but because they just 322 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,800 Speaker 1: love it. All of these people have something in common, 323 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,800 Speaker 1: which is they focus more intently on the task and 324 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:39,560 Speaker 1: they look for the variability of that task, and that's 325 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:44,080 Speaker 1: how they reimagine it to become something that is less 326 00:17:44,119 --> 00:17:48,480 Speaker 1: of negative internal trigger and instead they minimize that uncomfortable 327 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:51,280 Speaker 1: sensation so that they can enjoy the task or so 328 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,119 Speaker 1: that they can play the task. 329 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,639 Speaker 2: And how has that worked for you at the moment, 330 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:59,240 Speaker 2: because I would imagine that you have probably described the 331 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:02,399 Speaker 2: framework in your book one hundred plus times. You're in 332 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,240 Speaker 2: the middle of doing a lot of interviews for the 333 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:06,679 Speaker 2: book which is coming out next month. How do you 334 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:10,199 Speaker 2: think about these interviews and you know, things with the 335 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:13,440 Speaker 2: media where you're talking about all the concepts of the book, 336 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:16,000 Speaker 2: probably many many times a day every day. 337 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,200 Speaker 1: Well, unfortunately this happens to be a task I really enjoy, 338 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:23,280 Speaker 1: so it's no challenge for me. But I'll go back 339 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,679 Speaker 1: to the chan. You know, this is where I take issue. 340 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,919 Speaker 1: I'm not sure if you're familiar, we probably are the 341 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:32,600 Speaker 1: work of Mehi Chicks. Yeah, absolutely wrote the book Flow, 342 00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:35,440 Speaker 1: and people site flow as this miracle, and I think 343 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:37,720 Speaker 1: it's not very great. I'm not a big fan. Sorry 344 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:39,879 Speaker 1: Chick sent me high and the reason I don't like 345 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,480 Speaker 1: it is because he basically says it's great, well it's there, 346 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,040 Speaker 1: and not so much when it's not. Well, thanks a lot, buddy. 347 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,960 Speaker 1: You know, like I could totally I could get into 348 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:52,359 Speaker 1: flow for a task that's effortless that I enjoy. So 349 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,560 Speaker 1: many times I get into flow, and that's when you 350 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,240 Speaker 1: have to ring me back in and say stop talking 351 00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,919 Speaker 1: for a minute. I get into flow for tasks like this. 352 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:02,000 Speaker 1: I love it. It's just it's really enjoyable. For five 353 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:04,879 Speaker 1: years of looking and searching and searching for the answer 354 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,119 Speaker 1: to my questions, I finally feel like I found them 355 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:10,000 Speaker 1: and I want to shout it from the rooftops. But 356 00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:12,639 Speaker 1: what do you do when it's a task you don't enjoy? 357 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,520 Speaker 1: How do you get into flow? Doing your taxes? She said, 358 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:19,520 Speaker 1: Mahi doesn't tell you. And so that's what I wanted 359 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,399 Speaker 1: to accomplish with this book, is how do you do 360 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,640 Speaker 1: the things that are full of these painful internal triggers 361 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:27,240 Speaker 1: that we are just dying to escape. Getting into flow 362 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,400 Speaker 1: is easy for a task you love. What if it's 363 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,320 Speaker 1: for a task you don't so much love, Or what 364 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,240 Speaker 1: if it's for a task that starts out fun but 365 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:38,040 Speaker 1: then gets tedious, like playing with your kid. I love 366 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,560 Speaker 1: my daughter's death. She is she's an only child. I 367 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,480 Speaker 1: love her so much I can't even tell you. But 368 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:50,680 Speaker 1: after about an hour, I've had enough and I start 369 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:53,880 Speaker 1: getting bored. And for a long time I blamed myself 370 00:19:54,840 --> 00:20:00,439 Speaker 1: because the self help industrial complex tells you that if 371 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:04,320 Speaker 1: you're not happy, if you're not satisfied, something's wrong with you. 372 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,720 Speaker 1: And nothing could be further from the truth that we 373 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:13,480 Speaker 1: are designed. Evolution has designed us to never be satisfied. 374 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:19,639 Speaker 1: That is part of our evolutionary heritage. Perpetual being perpetually 375 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:24,080 Speaker 1: perturbed is an advantage, it's an adaptation. If there was 376 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:30,119 Speaker 1: ever a tribe of Homo sapiens who is satisfied and happy, 377 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:34,000 Speaker 1: we killed them and probably ate them because they would 378 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:38,360 Speaker 1: have survived. So these internal triggers are not necessarily bad. 379 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,800 Speaker 1: Internal triggers are what gets you to work hard, right, 380 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,880 Speaker 1: It's what helps us discover life saving medicine and overturn 381 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,240 Speaker 1: despots and shoot for the stars. I mean, this is 382 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,680 Speaker 1: a great thing to be harnessed, but we also need 383 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,359 Speaker 1: to know that it can hurt us if we don't 384 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,000 Speaker 1: take the appropriate action when we feel those internal triggers. 385 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,920 Speaker 1: So there's nothing wrong with the fact that after about 386 00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:02,440 Speaker 1: an hour of time with a toddler, I needed a break, right, 387 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,400 Speaker 1: So what I need to do was to plan that accordingly, 388 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:07,680 Speaker 1: to say, okay, it's fine that you know, after about 389 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,439 Speaker 1: a certain enough time, Daddy needs a little break, Okay, 390 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,240 Speaker 1: So I need to plan that in as opposed to 391 00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:16,280 Speaker 1: thinking that if somehow I'm not enjoying every second, that 392 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,000 Speaker 1: there's something wrong with me. So that would be an 393 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:22,080 Speaker 1: example of doing something about the internal trigger as opposed 394 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,119 Speaker 1: to simply coping with it. 395 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,040 Speaker 2: I like that example. I'm sure there are a lot 396 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:27,800 Speaker 2: of parents listening right now with relief to hear you 397 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:28,159 Speaker 2: say that. 398 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 1: Yes, and another thing we did, by the way, we 399 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,280 Speaker 1: have this what we call it. So I found that 400 00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:36,359 Speaker 1: the things that she liked to do. I didn't enjoy 401 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,760 Speaker 1: very much, right, like, how many games of Uno can 402 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,320 Speaker 1: you play? I just got tired of after a while. So, 403 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,840 Speaker 1: again going back to this concept of change, the source 404 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,760 Speaker 1: of the discomfort, we sat down together and we wrote 405 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:50,560 Speaker 1: down one hundred things we both enjoy. We wrote down 406 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:52,880 Speaker 1: every single one of these hundred things on a little 407 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,800 Speaker 1: slip of paper. We rolled them up, and we put 408 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:57,439 Speaker 1: them in this little glass jar. And every time we 409 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,440 Speaker 1: have time together on our schedule to play, we don't 410 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:01,399 Speaker 1: say or what do you want to do? What do 411 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,720 Speaker 1: you want to do? We don't waste our time going 412 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:05,560 Speaker 1: back and forth, or we don't just jump to what 413 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,359 Speaker 1: she wants to do. We go to what we call 414 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:10,040 Speaker 1: the fun jar, and the fun jar has these hundred 415 00:22:10,119 --> 00:22:12,440 Speaker 1: things that both of us enjoy. We pull one out 416 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:15,200 Speaker 1: and we just do it. So now I don't feel 417 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,320 Speaker 1: those internal triggers of wanting to escape all the time, 418 00:22:17,359 --> 00:22:20,119 Speaker 1: because I genuinely enjoy these tasks that we play together. 419 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,920 Speaker 2: I really like that it reminds me of something that 420 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:25,399 Speaker 2: I do. It was inspired actually via the Power of 421 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,200 Speaker 2: Moments by the Heath Brothers. I imagine you've probably read 422 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:29,520 Speaker 2: the Power of Moments. 423 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 424 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:35,879 Speaker 2: And I remember it was school holiday time and you 425 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:40,000 Speaker 2: kind of you almost feel this anticipatory guilt as a parent, going, 426 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:42,000 Speaker 2: oh gosh, got to do great things over the school 427 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:45,640 Speaker 2: holidays to provide a great experience for my child. And yeah, 428 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:47,800 Speaker 2: we literally wrote down I think it was about twenty 429 00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:51,320 Speaker 2: different activities that we thought would be fun to do, 430 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,160 Speaker 2: and every day we would pick them out of a jar. 431 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,160 Speaker 2: And it made me feel like every day I could 432 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:58,400 Speaker 2: create a special moment. But I do like the idea 433 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:00,560 Speaker 2: of making sure that there are things that you both 434 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:03,560 Speaker 2: enjoy doing. I'm not sure that everything in that JAT 435 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:07,880 Speaker 2: ticked that list for myself and my husband. There are 436 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:12,879 Speaker 2: so many strategies in the book, which I love because 437 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,480 Speaker 2: I think there's such variety for the reader, and I 438 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,040 Speaker 2: want to know if for you personally, which are the 439 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:22,800 Speaker 2: strategies that you still use or that you have used, 440 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:25,240 Speaker 2: you know to the greatest effect. I guess in your 441 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:25,720 Speaker 2: own life. 442 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,879 Speaker 1: Oh, I use them all every day. So one of 443 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:33,159 Speaker 1: the perks of inventing your own words. So I invented 444 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:36,240 Speaker 1: this word indistractable. It didn't exist before I just made 445 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: it up. And one of the perks of being able 446 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:39,600 Speaker 1: to make up your own word is that you get 447 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,679 Speaker 1: to define it any way you wish. And so the 448 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:47,840 Speaker 1: definition of indistractable is a person who strives to do 449 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,359 Speaker 1: as they say they're going to do. It doesn't mean 450 00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:53,080 Speaker 1: you never get distracted. I still get distracted from time 451 00:23:53,119 --> 00:23:56,280 Speaker 1: to time, probably every day, there's some distraction in my life. 452 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,879 Speaker 1: The idea, however, is that I'm the kind of person 453 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,320 Speaker 1: who strives to do what they say they're going to do, 454 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:05,399 Speaker 1: so I don't continually get distracted by the same things. 455 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,000 Speaker 1: There's that quote that insanity is doing the same thing 456 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:11,359 Speaker 1: and expecting different results. And so you know, I'm no 457 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,159 Speaker 1: longer this idiot that gets distracted day after day and 458 00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:16,800 Speaker 1: wonders why did this happen? Yet again, today I didn't 459 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:18,280 Speaker 1: finish that to do is on my to do list? 460 00:24:18,359 --> 00:24:21,840 Speaker 1: Yet again today I was distracted when I wanted to 461 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,440 Speaker 1: spend time with people I love, or yet again I 462 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:26,800 Speaker 1: didn't do my writing for the day, or whatever it 463 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,800 Speaker 1: might be. Now I know why. I can point to 464 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,320 Speaker 1: the simple four part model, and I can say, ah, 465 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:34,560 Speaker 1: I see it was that internal trigger that I didn't 466 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:37,320 Speaker 1: cope with with an effective strategy. What can I do 467 00:24:37,359 --> 00:24:40,280 Speaker 1: about that I didn't make time for traction. How can 468 00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:43,560 Speaker 1: I fix that? I didn't hack back this external trigger? 469 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:46,439 Speaker 1: What can I do to correct that? How can And 470 00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,680 Speaker 1: then the last step, how can I prevent the distraction 471 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:51,360 Speaker 1: next time with some sort of pact. So it's really 472 00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:56,639 Speaker 1: about using these four strategies in concert. The strategy is 473 00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:59,080 Speaker 1: more important than the tactic. Right, Tactics are what we do. 474 00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:02,840 Speaker 1: Strategy is why we do it. And understanding the strategy 475 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:06,119 Speaker 1: of these simple you know, these four simple parts is 476 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:09,200 Speaker 1: very very important. That's how we become indistractable because then 477 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:12,639 Speaker 1: we as individuals can make up our own tactics. So 478 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,080 Speaker 1: in the book, you read my tactics, and I've collected 479 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,159 Speaker 1: a lot of good ones in there. But you know, 480 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:19,879 Speaker 1: people will also come up with their own tactics that 481 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:21,760 Speaker 1: are customized to their specific situation. 482 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,520 Speaker 2: Are there any particular tactics that you find yourself using 483 00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:28,000 Speaker 2: more frequently Perhaves? 484 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:32,240 Speaker 1: Sure, So let's see we can talk about all four 485 00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:34,520 Speaker 1: of them. I'll give you kind of my my most 486 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:38,040 Speaker 1: frequently used tactics for the four strategies. So when it 487 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:41,359 Speaker 1: comes to internal triggers, you know, writing for me is 488 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:46,000 Speaker 1: really hard work. It's never been effortless. It takes a 489 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,240 Speaker 1: lot of time, a lot of concentration, and it's full 490 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:54,400 Speaker 1: of internal triggers boredom, uncertainty, fear, fatigue, lots of internal triggers. 491 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,040 Speaker 1: I seek to escape. And what's so pernicious about it 492 00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,560 Speaker 1: is that, you know, distraction tricks you. So in the 493 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:03,359 Speaker 1: middle of writing, I'll get this idea, Oh, you know, 494 00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:05,840 Speaker 1: I should probably check email real quick, because that's productive. 495 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,800 Speaker 1: That's kind of worky, isn't it. Well, it's a distraction, 496 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:10,720 Speaker 1: even though it feels worky. It's a distraction because that's 497 00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:12,320 Speaker 1: not what I plan to do with my time. I 498 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:15,760 Speaker 1: plan to write. So I use a few techniques. One 499 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:19,479 Speaker 1: of them is called surfing the urge, which is just 500 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,160 Speaker 1: when you note. The first step is to note the sensation. Okay, 501 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:26,360 Speaker 1: so you tell yourself, Okay, I'm feeling anxious right now, 502 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,800 Speaker 1: I'm feeling fearful about this. Is this essay going to 503 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,399 Speaker 1: be any good? Is anybody going to want to read it? 504 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:34,159 Speaker 1: This is boring? Whatever the sensation might be, you write 505 00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:37,240 Speaker 1: that sensation down and I give people this tool that 506 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,280 Speaker 1: they can download on my website. I'll give you the 507 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,960 Speaker 1: link of the show notes for a distraction tracker where 508 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:46,359 Speaker 1: you simply note that sensation. That's incredibly empowering, just to 509 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:51,400 Speaker 1: write down what you felt and don't explore it with contempt. 510 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,680 Speaker 1: A lot of people will jump as I used to, 511 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,280 Speaker 1: to beating themselves up. Oh you see I have an 512 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:59,560 Speaker 1: addictive personality, or you see I can short attention span, 513 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,720 Speaker 1: or whatever the case might be. Instead of what we 514 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:05,160 Speaker 1: want to do is to explore it with curiosity, not contempt. 515 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:08,119 Speaker 1: And what we find is that when we surf the 516 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:10,560 Speaker 1: urge kind of like a surfer on a surfboard, we 517 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:14,160 Speaker 1: find that our emotions are like waves. They just kind 518 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:17,239 Speaker 1: of rise, they crest, and then they subside. And if 519 00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,080 Speaker 1: we can allow ourselves to be curious about that sensation 520 00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:24,520 Speaker 1: as opposed to trying to resist it with abstinence, and 521 00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:27,960 Speaker 1: in fact, it's been shown that abstinence leads to rumination, 522 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:31,280 Speaker 1: which can actually make the problem worse, we can simply affect, 523 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:35,840 Speaker 1: accept that sensation and allow it to wash over us. 524 00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:37,920 Speaker 1: So that's surfing. The urge technique is what I use 525 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:41,000 Speaker 1: every day when it comes to make time for traction. 526 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:45,719 Speaker 1: That's a technique I use. I couldn't function without it. 527 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:49,919 Speaker 1: You know, the key principle here being that we have 528 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,919 Speaker 1: no right to call something a distraction unless we know 529 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:57,359 Speaker 1: what it distracted us from. So everything is in my 530 00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,119 Speaker 1: calendar my values. If you looked at my calendar, you 531 00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:02,679 Speaker 1: would know what my values are, not just what I 532 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:04,480 Speaker 1: say they are. This is how I used to be 533 00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,679 Speaker 1: if you said to me, okay, what are you value 534 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:10,679 Speaker 1: in life? Oh? My kid, my friends, my family, my health. 535 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,400 Speaker 1: But I didn't make time for those things in my calendar. 536 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:15,480 Speaker 1: So of course they didn't get the attention in time 537 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:18,399 Speaker 1: they deserved, and I allowed time for all kinds of 538 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:22,320 Speaker 1: stupid distractions that weren't aligned with my values. So I 539 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:25,720 Speaker 1: make time for traction every single day, the things that 540 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:28,560 Speaker 1: you know, the values in my life. Then I hack 541 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:32,560 Speaker 1: back the external triggers the third step. So this involves 542 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:36,280 Speaker 1: you know, not only my phone and computer, you know, 543 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,600 Speaker 1: all the digital distraction, the potential distractions, but also in 544 00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:43,080 Speaker 1: my environment. So right now, what I plan to do 545 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:45,800 Speaker 1: was to speak to you. So that means that I 546 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:48,400 Speaker 1: have a sign on my door that says that I'm 547 00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:52,280 Speaker 1: not to be disturbed in my little home office. I 548 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:55,760 Speaker 1: have a tool that's as part of the book. Actually, 549 00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:58,320 Speaker 1: every hard copy comes with with what I call a 550 00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:01,760 Speaker 1: screen signs of card stock that you pull out of 551 00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:04,760 Speaker 1: the book, you fold into thirds, and you put it 552 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:07,880 Speaker 1: on your computer monitor. Because it turns out that one 553 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:12,680 Speaker 1: of the most common forms of distraction is the co worker, right, 554 00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:14,960 Speaker 1: a colleague coming by and saying, hey, check out this 555 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:17,520 Speaker 1: bit of office gossip I got to tell you about. 556 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:22,760 Speaker 1: That is itself a very common source of distraction. So 557 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:27,240 Speaker 1: this simple screen sign says to your colleagues, I'm indistractable, 558 00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:30,560 Speaker 1: please come back later. So that's a way of hacking 559 00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:34,280 Speaker 1: back these external triggers that don't serve us. And then, finally, 560 00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:38,040 Speaker 1: the last step when it comes to preventing distraction with pacts, 561 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:41,320 Speaker 1: this is all about keeping out those distracted keeping i'm sorry, 562 00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:43,800 Speaker 1: keeping ourselves in so that we don't do something we 563 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,440 Speaker 1: don't want to do with some kind of pre commitment device. 564 00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:50,400 Speaker 1: So an app I use every day is called Forest. 565 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:54,479 Speaker 1: It's a free app. It's on my iPhone, and this 566 00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:57,200 Speaker 1: is how it works. Simply, you open this app, you 567 00:29:57,240 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 1: put in how much time you want to do focused 568 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:03,320 Speaker 1: work for and a little virtual tree is planted right, 569 00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:05,320 Speaker 1: so the entire screen is taken up by this little 570 00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:08,680 Speaker 1: virtual tree. If you pick up the phone and try 571 00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:12,120 Speaker 1: and do anything with it. The virtual tree dies. That's 572 00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:14,280 Speaker 1: a stupid little virtual tree. Who cares, right, But it's 573 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:17,440 Speaker 1: enough of a reminder that you've made a pre commitment, 574 00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:20,320 Speaker 1: that you've made a pact with yourself, and it reminds 575 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,160 Speaker 1: you that using the phone for some other purpose is 576 00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:25,640 Speaker 1: not what you wanted to do with your time. So 577 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,760 Speaker 1: that's how I've used these four strategies in concert with 578 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:31,240 Speaker 1: a few techniques. There's a lot more in the book, 579 00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:33,719 Speaker 1: but that's kind of the thirty thousand foot view. 580 00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:37,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's great. And I remember reading about the forest 581 00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:39,360 Speaker 2: app in the book and thinking, ah, I got to 582 00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:44,320 Speaker 2: give that agorry is that sounds amazingly effective. I want 583 00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:46,200 Speaker 2: to come back to what you were saying about your 584 00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:48,640 Speaker 2: calendar and your calendar reflecting your values. And in the 585 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:52,600 Speaker 2: book you talk about time boxing, and I guess, like 586 00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:55,440 Speaker 2: blocking out time for doing things as opposed to just 587 00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:58,280 Speaker 2: running off a to do list, I guess, and having 588 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:00,760 Speaker 2: lots of free time and then sort of self managing 589 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:01,240 Speaker 2: on the go. 590 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:01,920 Speaker 1: I guess. 591 00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:04,520 Speaker 2: I'm curious, like, what does like if I were looking 592 00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:09,480 Speaker 2: at your calendar, what would I see? Would I say 593 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:13,640 Speaker 2: everything blocked at hour by hour? Like can you give 594 00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:15,560 Speaker 2: me a sense of what I would see. 595 00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:19,960 Speaker 1: Yeah. So this technique is very well studied. It's called 596 00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:23,880 Speaker 1: setting an implementation intention. Thousands of studies have found this 597 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:27,360 Speaker 1: is a highly effective technique. And I can't believe I 598 00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:30,280 Speaker 1: didn't do this sooner. This is a life changing practice. 599 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:35,040 Speaker 1: Time boxing simply means that we are deciding what we 600 00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:38,600 Speaker 1: do in advance and when we do it. And so 601 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:42,000 Speaker 1: it's just as simple as plotting out in your day 602 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,720 Speaker 1: what your ideal day would look like and so, and 603 00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:47,520 Speaker 1: you're doing this in advance. I mean, if there's one 604 00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:50,360 Speaker 1: motto from this book, I want everyone to remember, maybe 605 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:52,520 Speaker 1: tattooed on your arm or something, and it'll be a 606 00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:58,080 Speaker 1: future tattoo is. The antidote for impulsiveness is forethought. The 607 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:01,280 Speaker 1: antidote too impulsiveness is forethoughts. It doesn't matter what the 608 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:04,040 Speaker 1: tech companies throw at us, what the algorithms do, None 609 00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:07,680 Speaker 1: of that stuff matters. If we plan ahead, we can 610 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:10,000 Speaker 1: do something that no other animal on earth can do, 611 00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:14,200 Speaker 1: which is to see the future with greater fidelity than 612 00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:16,680 Speaker 1: any other species. And so we can plan ahead for 613 00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:20,200 Speaker 1: these distractions. And that starts by making time on our 614 00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:23,120 Speaker 1: calendar to live at our values. So I have starting 615 00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:27,520 Speaker 1: at seven fifteen, breakfast until eight, and then I work 616 00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:29,040 Speaker 1: out from eight to nine, and then I have my 617 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:31,560 Speaker 1: writing time from nine to eleven thirty, and then I 618 00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:33,880 Speaker 1: make and eat lunch from eleven thirty or twelve thirty 619 00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:36,920 Speaker 1: and so on. So it's every minute of my day 620 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,880 Speaker 1: is planned out. Now do I go off track? Of 621 00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:43,840 Speaker 1: course I do. But you can't even begin to ask 622 00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:47,680 Speaker 1: what is a distraction unless you know what it distracted 623 00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:52,240 Speaker 1: you from. So you have to have an allocation of time, 624 00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:55,520 Speaker 1: or you can't call anything a distraction because what did 625 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:58,520 Speaker 1: it distract you from? You had a blank calendar. So 626 00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:02,640 Speaker 1: this technique is ridibly effective. Unfortunately, very few people do 627 00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:06,959 Speaker 1: it this technique. However, one group of people use this 628 00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:10,400 Speaker 1: uses this Almost one hundred percent of the people I 629 00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:13,000 Speaker 1: interviewed among this group use this technique when I was 630 00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:15,040 Speaker 1: doing the research for the book, and these are sea 631 00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:19,480 Speaker 1: level executives. Without fail, every sea level executive I interviewed 632 00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:23,080 Speaker 1: does this. They walk around their entire day either on 633 00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:25,520 Speaker 1: their phone or on a piece paper, with a printed 634 00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:28,240 Speaker 1: schedule for where they're supposed to be, what they're supposed 635 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:31,880 Speaker 1: to do for every minute of their day and it's 636 00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:35,720 Speaker 1: absolutely essential technique. And the nice thing is it's relatively 637 00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:37,400 Speaker 1: easy to do. It takes you about thirty minutes to 638 00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:40,760 Speaker 1: set up the first time, and about fifteen minutes per 639 00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:42,840 Speaker 1: week to keep it updated for the week ahead. And 640 00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:44,480 Speaker 1: in fact, I'll give you a link in the show notes. 641 00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:46,480 Speaker 1: I built a tool because I kept getting asked for this. 642 00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:49,240 Speaker 1: I built a very very simple tool anyone can use 643 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:52,240 Speaker 1: to make this weekly template so that they know what 644 00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:53,920 Speaker 1: their ideal week looks like. 645 00:33:54,160 --> 00:33:56,320 Speaker 2: Oh that sounds great. Yeah, I love the idea of that. 646 00:33:56,360 --> 00:33:59,480 Speaker 2: It's funny. It's something I've started doing recently. I used 647 00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:01,960 Speaker 2: to just like, if you looked at my calendar, you 648 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:05,680 Speaker 2: would see from eight am to noon basically blocked out, 649 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:08,040 Speaker 2: and it would just say deep work, do not book 650 00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:11,160 Speaker 2: over and I would and then I'd have my deep 651 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:13,839 Speaker 2: work to do list, and that is how I would 652 00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:17,040 Speaker 2: feel it. But inevitably I would get distracted with other things. 653 00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:20,359 Speaker 2: And I remember I had Cal Newport on the show 654 00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:24,880 Speaker 2: a few months ago, and he's definitely an advocate of timeboxing, 655 00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:28,239 Speaker 2: and yeah, I remember I started trying it naturally, just 656 00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:31,080 Speaker 2: blocking out. Okay, write this article here, and I think 657 00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:33,160 Speaker 2: that'll take about an hour. And then do this there 658 00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:36,160 Speaker 2: and it really does change your day and change the 659 00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:39,120 Speaker 2: way you do things. And then you know, I find 660 00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:42,080 Speaker 2: that if I overestimate how long something is going to 661 00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:43,920 Speaker 2: go for in the Dari, I just feel feel a 662 00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:45,840 Speaker 2: little bit of a win when I've achieved something a 663 00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:47,640 Speaker 2: little bit more quickly, and then I can move something 664 00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:51,320 Speaker 2: from the next day. So yeah, I found that incredibly effective. 665 00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:55,480 Speaker 1: Absolutely absolutely, it's a very very effective technique and it's 666 00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:58,080 Speaker 1: so simple. It just requires a little bit of forethought. 667 00:34:58,120 --> 00:35:00,879 Speaker 1: You know, there's this myth if you just put something 668 00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:03,919 Speaker 1: on a to do list, it'll get done, right, that's 669 00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:05,800 Speaker 1: on a lot of productivity books preaches put on to 670 00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:08,000 Speaker 1: do list and it'll get done. And that's only half 671 00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:11,439 Speaker 1: of the solution. The other half. You can't just put 672 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:13,520 Speaker 1: down output and what you put on to do list 673 00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:16,240 Speaker 1: is output. You also have to put down the input, 674 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:18,520 Speaker 1: right if you're a baker, you know, if a baker 675 00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:20,600 Speaker 1: wants to make a hundred loads of bread, they don't 676 00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:23,319 Speaker 1: just write down make a hundred loads of bread. They 677 00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:26,080 Speaker 1: have to think about the inputs. The bread, the flower, 678 00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:30,000 Speaker 1: the staff, the machinery. All those things are inputs. So 679 00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:33,440 Speaker 1: as knowledge workers, we put these things on our to 680 00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:35,359 Speaker 1: do list, But if you don't actually put it on 681 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:38,000 Speaker 1: your calendar, it's not going to get done. You have 682 00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:39,000 Speaker 1: to put on your calendar. 683 00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:41,640 Speaker 2: And I like what you talked about in the book 684 00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:46,799 Speaker 2: about scheduling time for important relationships, and like, how does 685 00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:50,120 Speaker 2: this work in your life with family and friends? Like 686 00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:52,000 Speaker 2: how do you go about doing that? 687 00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:56,400 Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, so this is this is a great example 688 00:35:56,560 --> 00:36:00,560 Speaker 1: of turning your values into time. That if family and 689 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:02,840 Speaker 1: friends are important to you, time with them is important 690 00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:04,160 Speaker 1: to you. And I'm not saying they need to be 691 00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:06,960 Speaker 1: by the way. Everybody should live according to their own values. 692 00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:10,880 Speaker 1: But if one of your values is to be the 693 00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:15,719 Speaker 1: kind of person who is an available parent or a 694 00:36:15,719 --> 00:36:19,319 Speaker 1: loving spouse or someone who has close personal relationships, then 695 00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:21,240 Speaker 1: that time as well needs to be on your calendar. 696 00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:24,840 Speaker 1: So there's a few techniques there. Of course, I schedule 697 00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:28,200 Speaker 1: date days with my wife, I schedule playtime with my child, 698 00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:34,000 Speaker 1: and I also regular occurrences with my friends. So there's 699 00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:37,280 Speaker 1: a two for one that I do just this morning. 700 00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:41,759 Speaker 1: In fact, on Tuesdays and Fridays, I have some of 701 00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:44,759 Speaker 1: my writing friends come over and so we do this 702 00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:46,560 Speaker 1: for two reasons. One, it's just great to see my 703 00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:48,759 Speaker 1: friends that they come over in the morning. And two 704 00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:51,839 Speaker 1: I'm using a pre commitment device. This is step number 705 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:55,360 Speaker 1: four of preventing distraction with packs. They come over, we 706 00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:57,439 Speaker 1: have about fifteen minutes. How you do and what's going on? Okay, 707 00:36:57,520 --> 00:37:00,839 Speaker 1: latest update on your life? Great? And then we get 708 00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:03,399 Speaker 1: to work and we just work next to each other. 709 00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:06,759 Speaker 1: And having that ability to work next to each other 710 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:09,440 Speaker 1: keeps us on task, right because we set a time 711 00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:12,360 Speaker 1: where we actually use the forest app. We push forty 712 00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:14,080 Speaker 1: five minutes, you know, That's how much time we do 713 00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:17,000 Speaker 1: our little sprint for and everybody gets to work and 714 00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:20,120 Speaker 1: nobody's distracted because everybody else is working. So there's this 715 00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:22,560 Speaker 1: kind of social proof to stay on task. And then 716 00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:23,920 Speaker 1: at the end of the forty five minutes, we take 717 00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:26,000 Speaker 1: another fifteen minute break and we chit chat some more, 718 00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:28,400 Speaker 1: we catch up with each other, so that again is 719 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:32,680 Speaker 1: in my calendar. There's another technique called the kibbutz, which 720 00:37:32,719 --> 00:37:34,839 Speaker 1: we did for many years. I recently moved to New York, 721 00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:36,440 Speaker 1: so we haven't picked this back up again, but we 722 00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:38,160 Speaker 1: will soon. We don't know as many people in New 723 00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:40,000 Speaker 1: York as we used to in the Bay Area, but 724 00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:43,680 Speaker 1: for must have been five six years. Every two weeks, 725 00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:46,560 Speaker 1: we would get together with our friends, same place, same time, 726 00:37:47,719 --> 00:37:53,919 Speaker 1: and we would talk and kids and devices were not allowed, right, 727 00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:56,759 Speaker 1: so no cell phones, and if a child interrupted, they 728 00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:59,840 Speaker 1: were allowed to listen, but if they were if they interrupted, 729 00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:04,080 Speaker 1: they reprimanded because remember, our children can also be distractions. Now, 730 00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:06,000 Speaker 1: of course, if a child is very young that they 731 00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:08,920 Speaker 1: can't control themselves. They can't control necessarily whether they interrupt 732 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,560 Speaker 1: or not. But as soon as a child understands, look, 733 00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:14,000 Speaker 1: these are my friends and my friends are important to me, 734 00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:17,560 Speaker 1: we need to model that behavior. Our children need to 735 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:21,520 Speaker 1: see what an adult friendship looks like. And so we 736 00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:23,520 Speaker 1: told them, look, these people are very important to me 737 00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:27,400 Speaker 1: in my life. And unless someone's bleeding, do not interrupt. 738 00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:30,239 Speaker 1: You can listen, but you can't interrupt. And the most 739 00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:33,200 Speaker 1: important thing was that this time was on our calendars. 740 00:38:33,239 --> 00:38:35,279 Speaker 1: Everybody knew where to be and when to be there 741 00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:36,200 Speaker 1: every week. 742 00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:38,839 Speaker 2: That's so cool. And I'm struck by what you said 743 00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:41,799 Speaker 2: in terms of scheduling playtime with your daughter. You must 744 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:44,920 Speaker 2: get people kind of reacting to that, going, oh, you 745 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:47,600 Speaker 2: really schedule playtime, but like, what does that look like 746 00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:50,000 Speaker 2: in your diary? Like is it sort of blocking out chunks, 747 00:38:50,040 --> 00:38:54,440 Speaker 2: you know, in sort of after work, after school hours, 748 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:55,319 Speaker 2: Like what does that look like? 749 00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:59,279 Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, that's exactly what it is. Time for us 750 00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:02,719 Speaker 1: to take off the fun jar from the shelf and 751 00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:05,040 Speaker 1: decide what we want to do with our time. But 752 00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:06,800 Speaker 1: that time is in the schedule. 753 00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:10,480 Speaker 2: That's cool. And how have you helped your daughter develop 754 00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:12,560 Speaker 2: a healthy relationship with technology? 755 00:39:13,239 --> 00:39:16,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, so this is this is a very pertinent topic 756 00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:18,359 Speaker 1: because I think for a lot of parents, uh, we 757 00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:21,320 Speaker 1: jump to the easy answers, We jump to a technologies 758 00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:24,880 Speaker 1: doing it to them, right, they're there. Uh, these technology 759 00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:27,960 Speaker 1: companies are addicting our kids. And it's just another excuse 760 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:30,440 Speaker 1: that our parents that that we parents use uh to 761 00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:34,040 Speaker 1: explain behaviors we don't like, whether it's the sugar high 762 00:39:34,239 --> 00:39:37,320 Speaker 1: or or rock and roll or heavy metal, or video 763 00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:40,839 Speaker 1: games or you know all these Every generation has this uh, 764 00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:45,360 Speaker 1: this moral panic around something that parents use to to 765 00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:50,359 Speaker 1: blame their kids crazy behavior on. And it turns out 766 00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:53,120 Speaker 1: that you know, we can empower our kids to make 767 00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:57,600 Speaker 1: these kind of decisions. Uh. And and the important word 768 00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:02,560 Speaker 1: here is empower h chill as well as adults need autonomy. 769 00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:05,880 Speaker 1: It's one of our three basic psychological nutrients. According to 770 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:11,520 Speaker 1: self determination, theory of competency, autonomy, and relatedness, these three 771 00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:14,600 Speaker 1: things are incredibly important for our psychological well being. And 772 00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:17,640 Speaker 1: if we don't get these things offline, we look for 773 00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:21,920 Speaker 1: them online. And so it's incredibly important to really understand 774 00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:26,160 Speaker 1: our kids internal triggers. What are they escaping from exactly 775 00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:28,160 Speaker 1: when they overuse technology? 776 00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:28,440 Speaker 2: Right? 777 00:40:28,719 --> 00:40:31,560 Speaker 1: What uncomfortable sensations are they escaping from. Is it the 778 00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:33,719 Speaker 1: fact that they don't get enough playtime. Is it the 779 00:40:33,719 --> 00:40:35,600 Speaker 1: fact that they don't get enough time with their friends. 780 00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:39,000 Speaker 1: Is it that they don't feel competent at school? Yeah, 781 00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:42,640 Speaker 1: a lot of our kids don't experience these enough of 782 00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:46,520 Speaker 1: these psychological nutrients. So the tech companies are more than 783 00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:49,719 Speaker 1: happy to provide it to them online. And so that's 784 00:40:49,719 --> 00:40:52,319 Speaker 1: where we have to start with these internal triggers. Then 785 00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:55,800 Speaker 1: we have to make time for traction, right. Our kids 786 00:40:55,920 --> 00:40:57,680 Speaker 1: need a schedule as well. Of course, most of their 787 00:40:57,760 --> 00:41:00,279 Speaker 1: day is scheduled at school, but also we need to 788 00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:03,960 Speaker 1: make time for free play. All there's a crisis at 789 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:07,600 Speaker 1: least in the States of kids not having time for 790 00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:11,080 Speaker 1: free play. Our kids are so overscheduled these days, they 791 00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:13,920 Speaker 1: don't have time in their day to just play, and 792 00:41:13,960 --> 00:41:17,400 Speaker 1: it's incredibly important. Then we have to hack back the 793 00:41:17,480 --> 00:41:20,200 Speaker 1: external triggers. So I'm a big advocate of having no 794 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:23,920 Speaker 1: screens in kids' bedrooms. There's no reason a child needs 795 00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:26,680 Speaker 1: to have any kind of flickering or flashing or buzzing 796 00:41:26,719 --> 00:41:30,640 Speaker 1: device in their rooms overnight. The science is pretty unequivocal 797 00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:34,800 Speaker 1: that kids need sleep. So whether it's television, laptops, phones, 798 00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:37,120 Speaker 1: those things need to be outside of their bedroom to 799 00:41:37,239 --> 00:41:39,880 Speaker 1: hack back those external triggers. And we shouldn't give our 800 00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:42,799 Speaker 1: kids these devices unless we know they know how to 801 00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:45,800 Speaker 1: turn them off. And then finally, we can prevent distraction 802 00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:50,239 Speaker 1: with packs. We can teach them how to use technology 803 00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:52,920 Speaker 1: to make sure they don't get distracted. So, for example, 804 00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:56,399 Speaker 1: my child, we take We gave her agency, we gave 805 00:41:56,440 --> 00:41:59,960 Speaker 1: her control by asking her how much time she'd like 806 00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:03,160 Speaker 1: to spend with screens per day. It was her choice, 807 00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:05,719 Speaker 1: and we explained that it's not that these technologies are 808 00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:08,400 Speaker 1: melting her brain or are somehow bad for her. That's 809 00:42:08,640 --> 00:42:11,960 Speaker 1: not true, The science doesn't support it. What we explained 810 00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:16,560 Speaker 1: to her was that the cost of using these technologies 811 00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:20,160 Speaker 1: is an opportunity cost of that's time away playing with 812 00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:23,480 Speaker 1: your friends. That's time away from going to the park. 813 00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:26,320 Speaker 1: That's time away from being with us or reading a book. 814 00:42:26,760 --> 00:42:29,319 Speaker 1: And so how much time do you think you'd like 815 00:42:29,440 --> 00:42:33,560 Speaker 1: to spend on this screen? And she said forty five minutes. Well, 816 00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:36,120 Speaker 1: she actually said two episodes, meaning two episodes of a 817 00:42:36,120 --> 00:42:38,440 Speaker 1: Netflix show, which comes down to forty five minutes. Great, 818 00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:41,560 Speaker 1: there's no problem. Not one study has shown that two 819 00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:44,719 Speaker 1: hours or less of age appropriate screen time has any 820 00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:48,000 Speaker 1: deleterious effects on kids. So forty five minutes is just fine. 821 00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:52,440 Speaker 1: Now she is in charge of policing herself. So what 822 00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:55,600 Speaker 1: does she do. She goes over to the Amazon Alexa 823 00:42:55,920 --> 00:42:59,120 Speaker 1: and says, Alexa, set the timer for forty five minutes 824 00:42:59,360 --> 00:43:01,520 Speaker 1: or today, she actually has us built into the iPad 825 00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:05,640 Speaker 1: with the Apple screen time. And now it's the devices 826 00:43:06,160 --> 00:43:09,120 Speaker 1: telling her that time is up. It's not me, you know, 827 00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:11,480 Speaker 1: we're not getting into a war anymore, telling her get 828 00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,160 Speaker 1: off your phone or you know, get off the iPad. 829 00:43:13,840 --> 00:43:17,239 Speaker 1: It's the device telling her that it's her time is 830 00:43:17,320 --> 00:43:19,520 Speaker 1: up because she set the device to do that. So 831 00:43:19,560 --> 00:43:22,600 Speaker 1: that's an example of a pre commitment. Uh. And then finally, 832 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:25,560 Speaker 1: the last thing in addition to these four basic steps. 833 00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:28,920 Speaker 1: We have to set a good example that we can't 834 00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:31,480 Speaker 1: be hypocrites and say get off your you know, get 835 00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:34,240 Speaker 1: off your phone or stop playing Fortnite when we're checking email. 836 00:43:35,239 --> 00:43:37,960 Speaker 1: We have to become indistractable ourselves as parents to set 837 00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:38,640 Speaker 1: a good example. 838 00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:41,799 Speaker 2: It's such a good point. I love that that that 839 00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:44,759 Speaker 2: that sort of example with your daughter. It's something. And 840 00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:47,919 Speaker 2: I know you're right about self determination theory in the book, 841 00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:50,520 Speaker 2: which is, you know, such a beautiful theory to apply 842 00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:52,719 Speaker 2: to children and making sure that we do give them 843 00:43:52,840 --> 00:43:57,640 Speaker 2: enough autonomy. For example, I know, I my daughter, she's 844 00:43:57,800 --> 00:44:00,719 Speaker 2: five and a half, and every morning there sort of 845 00:44:00,760 --> 00:44:04,080 Speaker 2: three things that she has to or wants to do 846 00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:06,719 Speaker 2: every morning. She has to practice writing, she has to 847 00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:09,560 Speaker 2: practice a new set of words, her orange words as 848 00:44:09,560 --> 00:44:11,640 Speaker 2: they're called, that she's just been given by the school. 849 00:44:11,760 --> 00:44:14,800 Speaker 2: And then she gets to spend ten minutes doing reading eggs, 850 00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:18,279 Speaker 2: which is a kind of a writing and reading app 851 00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:21,799 Speaker 2: on the iPad. And that's her favorite thing, not surprisingly, 852 00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:24,440 Speaker 2: out of those three tasks. And so every morning I'm like, Okay, 853 00:44:24,440 --> 00:44:26,040 Speaker 2: what order do you want to do them? And and just 854 00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:29,040 Speaker 2: kind of giving her that autonomy. And I think, you know, 855 00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:31,520 Speaker 2: a lot of parents might think, oh, well, surely they 856 00:44:31,560 --> 00:44:33,880 Speaker 2: won't know at that age, But I think it's just 857 00:44:33,920 --> 00:44:36,320 Speaker 2: so nice to be able to give them autonomy that 858 00:44:36,520 --> 00:44:40,040 Speaker 2: is age appropriate to really help them, you know, develop 859 00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:42,239 Speaker 2: better relationships with the devices. So, you know, I just 860 00:44:42,280 --> 00:44:43,719 Speaker 2: love what you said about your daughter. 861 00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:45,440 Speaker 1: Oh, I was just going to say that the ultimate goal. 862 00:44:45,520 --> 00:44:47,680 Speaker 1: Let's remember, you know, our job as parents is to 863 00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:53,200 Speaker 1: raise future adults. Right, So if we take away their autonomy, 864 00:44:53,239 --> 00:44:56,120 Speaker 1: their ability to practice this muscle of making their own 865 00:44:56,120 --> 00:44:59,040 Speaker 1: decisions and holding themselves accountable, what's going to happen when 866 00:44:59,080 --> 00:45:01,560 Speaker 1: they leave the household? Well, even as children, not only 867 00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:04,000 Speaker 1: about what happens when they go to university, but what 868 00:45:04,080 --> 00:45:06,640 Speaker 1: happens when they're just out of our site. You know, 869 00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:09,120 Speaker 1: my daughter has friends her age, and as soon as 870 00:45:09,160 --> 00:45:11,359 Speaker 1: those friends come over, they do all the things their 871 00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:15,359 Speaker 1: parents don't allow them to do because their parents aren't watching. Well, 872 00:45:15,360 --> 00:45:16,839 Speaker 1: that's not the kind of kid you want to raise. 873 00:45:16,840 --> 00:45:18,600 Speaker 1: You want to raise the kind of kid that knows 874 00:45:18,719 --> 00:45:21,640 Speaker 1: why they shouldn't binge on sugar or why they shouldn't 875 00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:24,480 Speaker 1: be on their devices all day, not the kid that 876 00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:26,400 Speaker 1: only does what you tell them to do when you're watching. 877 00:45:26,600 --> 00:45:29,680 Speaker 2: Absolutely absolutely. Now we are just about out of time. 878 00:45:29,800 --> 00:45:33,120 Speaker 2: So my final question for UNI is if people want 879 00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:36,120 Speaker 2: to get their hands on a copy of Indestractable or 880 00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:38,000 Speaker 2: any of anything else that you do, what is the 881 00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:38,840 Speaker 2: best way to do that? 882 00:45:39,400 --> 00:45:42,239 Speaker 1: Thank you? Yeah, my website is Near and Far dot com. 883 00:45:42,280 --> 00:45:44,160 Speaker 1: So near a spelt like my first name and I 884 00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:48,080 Speaker 1: are so near and far dot com. That's my website 885 00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:52,760 Speaker 1: and specifically for the book. The book is called Indiestractable, 886 00:45:52,800 --> 00:45:55,440 Speaker 1: how to Control your attention and Choose your life. And 887 00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:58,880 Speaker 1: you can find more information free resources. There's an eighty 888 00:45:58,960 --> 00:46:02,920 Speaker 1: page free work that you can download all at indistractable 889 00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:06,480 Speaker 1: dot com. And that's I N the word distract A 890 00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:09,880 Speaker 1: B L E so in distractable dot com. 891 00:46:10,120 --> 00:46:13,080 Speaker 2: Fantastic Nia. I've loved chatting to you, Gosh, I could 892 00:46:13,120 --> 00:46:15,000 Speaker 2: chat to you for several hours more of it. I 893 00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:18,440 Speaker 2: know that you've got another commitment, So thank you so 894 00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:19,640 Speaker 2: much for coming on the show. 895 00:46:20,239 --> 00:46:21,719 Speaker 1: My pleasure, Thanks so much for having me. 896 00:46:22,840 --> 00:46:25,880 Speaker 2: Hey there, that is it for today's show. If you 897 00:46:26,160 --> 00:46:28,839 Speaker 2: like this episode, why not share it with some other 898 00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:31,919 Speaker 2: people who you think might be able to benefit, Maybe 899 00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:35,960 Speaker 2: people that glued to their mobile phones and distractions all 900 00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:38,560 Speaker 2: through the day because I just think there's so much 901 00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:42,759 Speaker 2: wonderful advice in this chat, and if you're enjoying how 902 00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:45,760 Speaker 2: I work, maybe you might want to leave a review 903 00:46:45,920 --> 00:46:50,120 Speaker 2: in Apple Podcasts. That is a wonderful way to give 904 00:46:50,560 --> 00:46:54,080 Speaker 2: feedback to the podcast work that I do. I read 905 00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:56,719 Speaker 2: every single review and they do bring a very big 906 00:46:56,760 --> 00:46:59,680 Speaker 2: smile to my face, so I'm very appreciative for anyone 907 00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:02,840 Speaker 2: that does write a review. So that's it for today 908 00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:04,319 Speaker 2: and I'll see you next time.