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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just

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Speaker 2: wants answers.

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Speaker 3: Now, what I'm encouraging people to do is to listen

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Speaker 3: to your supersense, go down into your body, be aware

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Speaker 3: of what's happening all the time, because in a way,

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Speaker 3: this is the real you.

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Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show.

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Speaker 4: My mum and dad. Every now and again there's a

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Speaker 4: podcast guest that I get super excited about, and I

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Speaker 4: know you are too, Kylie. Today we are speaking with

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Speaker 4: someone who I think you could almost say needs no

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Speaker 4: introduction in the parenting sphere for the last Steve, help

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Speaker 4: me out here. Has it been more than thirty years?

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Speaker 4: Be getting close to forty, wouldn't it forty years you've

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Speaker 4: been helping families.

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Speaker 3: Yes, yes, I'm really old, Justin. That's the fact of

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Speaker 3: the matter. Ancient. I started in the nineteen seventies. Yes,

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Speaker 3: and so are there are people now who are raised

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Speaker 3: with my books that are raising their own kids. If

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Speaker 3: anyone's listening, a big much love to you.

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Speaker 4: So Steve Bidoff joins us today. Oh, by the way,

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Speaker 4: we should introduce ourselves. I'm Justin and I'm Kylie. We're

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Speaker 4: the parents of six kids. This is the Happy Family's Podcast.

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Speaker 4: I've written six books about making families happy. None of

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Speaker 4: them have reached nearly as many people though, as our

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Speaker 4: guest today Steve Biddoff, He's written Raising Boys, He's Raising Girls,

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Speaker 4: He's written The Secrets of Happy Families, and more. But

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Speaker 4: the one that we really want to talk about today

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Speaker 4: is a brand new well, we're going to talk about

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Speaker 4: that in a whole lot more, a brand new book

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Speaker 4: from Steve Bidoff called Fully Human. So many questions that

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Speaker 4: I want to ask about the book. I thoroughly enjoyed

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Speaker 4: reading it. Let me just start with this question, Steve,

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Speaker 4: being the parent of a young family, as so many

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Speaker 4: of our listeners are, it can be really hard to

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Speaker 4: feel fully human, which is obviously what the book is called.

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Speaker 4: Most parents feel like they're a quarter human or a

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Speaker 4: third human, and sometimes they wonder if they're raising humans.

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Speaker 2: I think part of that comes from the fact that

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Speaker 2: we don't get to have a shower by cells, go.

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Speaker 3: To the bathroom on our own, or anything like that.

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Speaker 4: So Steve, what advice recommendations would you share with parents

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Speaker 4: of young families.

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Speaker 3: That's such a huge question, and a really good one.

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Speaker 3: Because over the decades that I've worked mostly with families

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Speaker 3: that were in really, really bad places and difficult places,

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Speaker 3: and finally in the last couple of years, what I've

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Speaker 3: come down to is that the thing I can best

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Speaker 3: offer today in twenty twenty one, with the pandemic and

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Speaker 3: everything else, is how to look after our own mental health.

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Speaker 3: How as a mom or a dad you can look

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Speaker 3: after yourself. And of course anyone could do that if

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Speaker 3: they were on a tropical holiday or could go to

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Speaker 3: Aspire Retreat for a week or something, but with kids,

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Speaker 3: we have to be able to look after it easily

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Speaker 3: and quickly. And so what I came down to in

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Speaker 3: the researching and writing the Fully Human Book is that

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Speaker 3: there's a place inside you, inside you, Justin and Kylie

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Speaker 3: and everyone here who's listening that knows what's one and

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Speaker 3: that is a calm place and a steady place, and

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Speaker 3: it's inside you. Sometimes maybe you've been there, maybe sometimes

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Speaker 3: you get there, you know more often. But the name

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Speaker 3: of that place is I call it super sense, and

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Speaker 3: it's it's it's not in your thinking. You won't get

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Speaker 3: there by thinking. Everyone listening knows that we can think

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Speaker 3: ourselves into just a huge tangle when we're raising a

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Speaker 3: family trying to figure everything out. It's not even in

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Speaker 3: your emotions, because our emotions again just a madhouse. Sometimes

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Speaker 3: it's down further down below our emotions, and and it's

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Speaker 3: it's the kind of the wild calm creature that that

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Speaker 3: is way down insiders. And it's a part of our

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Speaker 3: mind that we've been not taught to use, but we

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Speaker 3: can use it, and it's easy to use and easy

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Speaker 3: to get to. And so I decided that that was

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Speaker 3: teaching people how to do that, to use their minds better,

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Speaker 3: was the best thing I could offer to in today's

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Speaker 3: stress out young family.

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Speaker 2: Steve, you mentioned the pandemic and lockdowns in general are

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Speaker 2: affecting half of Australia at the moment. There is just

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Speaker 2: so much going on and their ability to connect with themselves,

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Speaker 2: with their emotions and also with their children. I'm wondering

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Speaker 2: what you would tell parents about how they could balance

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Speaker 2: the challenge of lockdown or family stress while they're staying

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Speaker 2: well and fully human in their own spaces.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, trying to tap into that super sense when there

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Speaker 4: feels like there's so much pressure.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, Well, let's first of all explain what supersense

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Speaker 3: is and how it works for the human book, I

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Speaker 3: begin with a story of a patient of mine, and

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Speaker 3: just in a nutshell, she was a very caring young moment.

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Speaker 3: She was a GP and she was in a train

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Speaker 3: station and someone called out for her help, and she

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Speaker 3: was going to help this person. She had a reaction

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Speaker 3: deep down in her gut that just said danger, and

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Speaker 3: she got in her car quickly and actually got away

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Speaker 3: from there, and discovered later that that person had actually

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Speaker 3: been a murderer and she'd escaped from being killed, and

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Speaker 3: was an incredibly big case of post traumatic stress that

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Speaker 3: she suffered as a result. But the main thing was

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Speaker 3: that she had listened to something deep down inside herself

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Speaker 3: and it had saved her life. And what we know

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Speaker 3: about the way the brain works is that we have

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Speaker 3: our normal, everyday brain, but we have a wider brain

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Speaker 3: that's on the right side, which takes in everything, and

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Speaker 3: it talks to us through our guts. And so everyone

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Speaker 3: listening would know what I mean by a gut feeling,

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Speaker 3: but it's actually literally true. Just to not Kylie, if

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Speaker 3: you go down inside your belly just right now as

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Speaker 3: I'm talking to you, there'll be a bunch of sensations

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Speaker 3: going on in the middle of your body and people

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Speaker 3: listening the same thing, and it'll be something about what

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Speaker 3: I'm saying to you, is it making sense? Does it

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Speaker 3: sound like a load of rubbish? Or should I have

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Speaker 3: gone to the toilet before I sat down for the interview.

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Speaker 3: It's like the wild part of you, and it's always there,

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Speaker 3: and it's always giving you a kind of a reading

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Speaker 3: on the situation. And I call it super sense because

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Speaker 3: it's very very alert and very wise to what's going on.

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Speaker 3: And it's just you just go there by traveling down

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Speaker 3: inside your body. And so if one of your kids

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Speaker 3: comes home from school and says something and the tone

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Speaker 3: of their voice isn't quite right, or something about their

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Speaker 3: expression is a little bit just not quite right. If

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Speaker 3: you're busy and you're thinking fast, and you're doing a

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Speaker 3: lot of things, you won't register that, but somewhere inside

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Speaker 3: you will notice. And if you think back to that conversation,

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Speaker 3: somewhere deep down in your guard, there'll be a kind

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Speaker 3: of just a little twinge of ah, something wasn't right there.

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Speaker 3: And so what I'm encouraging people to do is to

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Speaker 3: listen to your supersense, go down into your body, be

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Speaker 3: aware of what's happening all the time, because in a way,

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Speaker 3: this is the real you. This is where you live.

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Speaker 3: You don't live in your thoughts, you don't live in

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Speaker 3: your emotions. There's a more peaceful place, and your supersense

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Speaker 3: is where you'll get your feeling of steadiness from. And

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Speaker 3: so a family is like a cyclone. You know it's

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Speaker 3: whirling around you. But if you go into your own body,

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Speaker 3: you'll be in touch with you and that kind of

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Speaker 3: wild creature like a panther or a big mama bear,

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Speaker 3: that is steady and strong, and that'll know if you're

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Speaker 3: rushing too much, It'll know if you're not breathing deeply enough.

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Speaker 3: It'll know if you need to go into your child's

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Speaker 3: betterm and say what did you mean by that? And

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Speaker 3: the magical thing about it is as you start to

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Speaker 3: get in touch with your own supersense, you will be

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Speaker 3: more present and your children will experience you as being

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Speaker 3: there for them, because we all say, don't we you

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Speaker 3: know we have to be there for our children. Now.

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Speaker 3: I used to be a very anxious person. I am

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Speaker 3: on the autism spectrum and I'm just naturally anxious, and

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Speaker 3: sometimes my daughter would say, Dad, where are you? You know,

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Speaker 3: you're just not here? And I'd look at her with,

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Speaker 3: you know, with penetrating eyes and work to try and

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Speaker 3: be there and listen and think. But it didn't do

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Speaker 3: the trick because I wasn't inside myself. And now that

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Speaker 3: I've learned to be to use super sense and travel

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Speaker 3: down to be like down in my belly noticing my

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Speaker 3: own sensations, then what happens is I'm also more aware

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Speaker 3: of my children and I can see whether they're okay,

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Speaker 3: whether the conversations going well, or if there's something else

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Speaker 3: needed or something to worry about. And that's a big rave.

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Speaker 3: But is that Kylie and Justin? Is that making sense?

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Speaker 2: It's funny, Steve. This morning, I actually got a meme,

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Speaker 2: a funny meme sent to me from one of my friends,

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Speaker 2: and it said I talk to myself from time to time.

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Speaker 2: That's because I sometimes need expert advice. And when I

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Speaker 2: read it, I had a little chuckle, and then you know,

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Speaker 2: I kind of had a few minutes to mull over it,

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Speaker 2: and I was like, I know that this is sent

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Speaker 2: to me because it's supposed to be funny, but it's

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Speaker 2: actually so true. And as you talked about that super sense,

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Speaker 2: that inner voice, and how important it is for us

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Speaker 2: to tap into it because we do we actually do know,

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Speaker 2: and we are the experts in you know, so many situations,

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Speaker 2: but we have not really learned to tap into that.

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Speaker 4: So much noise everywhere. Yeah, Steve, I've been watching Kylie

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Speaker 4: write notes furiously as you've been chatting. And what we

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Speaker 4: want to do is take a quick break. When we

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Speaker 4: come back, we're going to see if we can get

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Speaker 4: a little bit more concrete about tapping into that super sense,

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Speaker 4: figuring out how we can take those deep breaths or

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Speaker 4: get that cognitive space so that we can move into

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Speaker 4: that space. We'll talk about it right after the break

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Speaker 4: and find out a bit more about how we can

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Speaker 4: make our families calmer with the use of being fully human.

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Speaker 4: It's a Happy Families.

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Speaker 1: Podcast for a happier family. Try a Happy Families membership,

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Speaker 1: because a happy family doesn't just happen. Details at happy

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Speaker 1: families dot com dot au.

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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers. Today and we have

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Speaker 2: a really special guest with us today. Steve Bidoff has

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Speaker 2: joined us and we're talking about his book, Fully Human.

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Speaker 4: Just before we ask Steve the next question that I

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Speaker 4: know you've got lined up for him. At the end

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Speaker 4: of this podcast, we're going to give away a copy,

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Speaker 4: So jump onto our Facebook page. As soon as this

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Speaker 4: podcast drops, there's going to be a post on Facebook

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Speaker 4: and we're going to ask you a quick question. Everyone

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Speaker 4: who answers the question goes into the draw to win

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Speaker 4: a copy of Fully Human by Steve Bitdoff. Tell you

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Speaker 4: more about that in just a sec.

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Speaker 2: I love the imagery that you created, Steve, as you

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Speaker 2: talked about this wild calm creature, such an boxy warrant.

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Speaker 2: There's two totally different, you know, functions, this wildness and

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Speaker 2: then there's this calm. And I'm wondering if you can

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Speaker 2: help parents understand how we actually can help our kids

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Speaker 2: tap into this super sense. How do we help them

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Speaker 2: to really learn to listen to themselves?

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Speaker 4: And can I just throw an addition to that question, Steve,

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Speaker 4: how do we really concretely do it ourselves as well?

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Speaker 4: Because you can't get your kids to do it if

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Speaker 4: you're not doing it yourself.

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Speaker 3: Right. Yes, yes, I'll try and cover both of those questions.

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Speaker 3: And I've got a story that I think will really

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Speaker 3: people can relate to. Is a sixteen year old girl

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Speaker 3: who I know of who she had a really nice

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Speaker 3: boyfriend and they'd been going out for six months, but

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Speaker 3: this boy was starting to put a bit of pressure

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Speaker 3: on her to have sex. And the girl whose namement

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Speaker 3: was Genevieve, and she she's had a good relationship with

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Speaker 3: her mum, so she just told her mom. She said,

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Speaker 3: you know, mom, you know he wants me to have sex,

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Speaker 3: you know, and I don't know. I just don't know

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Speaker 3: what to do. And her mum was one of these

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Speaker 3: fantastic mums who knew that you don't just answer that.

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Speaker 3: She said to her, well how do you feel about it?

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Speaker 3: And and Genevieve said, well, I don't know. I'm really

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Speaker 3: mixed up because I love him and he's great, you know,

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Speaker 3: I just don't know. And then her mom said something

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Speaker 3: which was like the Nobel Prize of things to say.

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Speaker 3: She said, honey, sometimes your body knows what's right for you,

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Speaker 3: you know, when your mind's in a spin and your

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Speaker 3: feelings are all over the show. Sometimes our bodies send

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Speaker 3: us signals. And Genevieve, straight away, you just said you're right.

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Speaker 3: She said, look, you know what a minute, I'll be

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Speaker 3: kissing and kissing and pashing on with him and it's great.

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Speaker 3: But when he comes on too strong, I just feel squashed.

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Speaker 3: I feel I want to run away. I don't want

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Speaker 3: to have sex with him yet, and all of us

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Speaker 3: it's like bang. She just knew all of a sudden,

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Speaker 3: and so that he could talk then about what to

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Speaker 3: do and how to deal with that. But that mum had,

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Speaker 3: without knowing it, had directed Genevieve to go down below

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Speaker 3: feelings to that her body knew, the simple language, her

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Speaker 3: body knew, and we can say to her kids, you know,

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Speaker 3: very simple question, what's happening down here in your body

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Speaker 3: when you think about it? And they'll say, you know, well,

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Speaker 3: it's a swirly feeling, or it's a kind of a

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Speaker 3: crunchy feeling, or it's open and lovely and wide, and

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Speaker 3: that'll help them. And we've always known this because we've

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Speaker 3: been doing this with protective behaviors for years, teaching kids,

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Speaker 3: you know, if someone feels creepy, trust that you know

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Speaker 3: I would get away, And so it's broadening that out

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Speaker 3: and saying, use this intuition, use this very well developed

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Speaker 3: part of your brain that's reading lots of subtle signals,

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Speaker 3: and it's giving you good information. It isn't always right,

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Speaker 3: it's not one hundred percent, but think about it and

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Speaker 3: talk to it, and it's so simple and so practical.

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Speaker 3: I think anyone just from listening to the podcast today

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Speaker 3: will be able to use it straight away.

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Speaker 4: What I'm hearing you say, Steve is slow down, breathe, listen,

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Speaker 4: go inside and pay attention. And it sounds like that

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Speaker 4: would work just as well for any parent who's struggling

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Speaker 4: as it would for any parent who's helping a child

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Speaker 4: who's struggling. Just let's slow it down, and let's stop

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Speaker 4: thinking about it. And just like you said, go below

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Speaker 4: the confusion and the tumult of feelings to that gut

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Speaker 4: super sense.

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Speaker 3: Yes, And when you go there, you might find that

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Speaker 3: actually it's very you know, it's actually really clenched up,

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Speaker 3: or your heart is just racing. But then you'll know

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Speaker 3: that and the you know, the brown bear or the

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Speaker 3: panther that's your wild creature will just know I need

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Speaker 3: to sit down. You know, I haven't had a pee

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Speaker 3: for five hours or whatever. Everything that mum's and dad's

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Speaker 3: listening will really relate to. You'll just know what comes first,

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Speaker 3: what's the priority, and to address that, and then everything

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Speaker 3: else will start to stack up in your mind, so

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Speaker 3: much better.

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Speaker 4: Steve, last question for you, although we could probably talk

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Speaker 4: to you for another couple of days if time would allow,

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Speaker 4: But as you look back on some forty years as

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Speaker 4: a parent, as a psychotherapist, guiding families, helping people through trauma,

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Speaker 4: dealing with the ups and downs of life for so

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Speaker 4: many families, what do you think is the one single

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Speaker 4: overarching thing that matters most for every parent.

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Speaker 3: Yes, if I could ride it on the sky, you know,

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Speaker 3: get one of those planes that ride it on the sky,

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Speaker 3: it would be that hurry is the enemy of love.

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Speaker 3: And it's become my motto. It's on the top of

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Speaker 3: my website. It's because when we hurry, of course, we

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Speaker 3: love our children, we love our partners. But if we're rushing,

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Speaker 3: we never quite connect. And it's only by slowing down

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Speaker 3: that we really are with each other. It takes time

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Speaker 3: to find your kids when they come home from school,

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Speaker 3: and husband and wife to find each other get attuned again.

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Speaker 3: And so you know, hurrying is the madness of the

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Speaker 3: modern world, and it destroys love. And so please if

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Speaker 3: you possibly can slow it down. Does that make sense?

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Speaker 3: Kylie and Justin?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's that's so beautifully said Steve.

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Speaker 4: What a what a treat, What a treat to have

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Speaker 4: you on the podcast. Steve, thank you so much for

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Speaker 4: joining us. It's been delightful to listen to you and

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Speaker 4: talk to people about your book, Fully Human.

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Speaker 3: Well, thank you. You would love to everyone listening.

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Speaker 4: Just before we wrap up, Kylie, I've been saying for years,

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Speaker 4: and it's not my own saying, but I've been saying

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Speaker 4: for years, kids spell love time, And without knowing that,

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Speaker 4: Steve said that so frequently, I would often ask the question,

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Speaker 4: so if love is spelled t ime, what does hurry spell?

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Speaker 4: Same kind of theme, same kind of idea I talk

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Speaker 4: about you, do you feel calm? Feel really soon after

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Speaker 4: having a listen to somebody who has a conversation like.

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Speaker 2: This with us, I'm trying to work out where my

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Speaker 2: wild beast is sitting right now.

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Speaker 3: Is it calm or wild?

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Speaker 2: It's calm, it is cab.

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Speaker 3: I really like that.

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Speaker 4: So we're going to give you a chance to win

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Speaker 4: a copy of Steve Bitoff's book, Fully Human. Just jump

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Speaker 4: onto our Facebook page. Dr Justin Couson's Happy Families. We've

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Speaker 4: got a question waiting for you on the page about

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Speaker 4: when you have felt fully fully human and been able

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Speaker 4: to go inside yourself and find that super sense and

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Speaker 4: how it's helped your family. We're going to give away

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Speaker 4: one copy to somebody who answers the question there.

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Speaker 3: We would love to have.

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Speaker 4: Your involved and interaction on the page, And if you've

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Speaker 4: enjoyed the podcast, please jump onto Apple Podcast and leave

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Speaker 4: a five star rating and review so that other people

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Speaker 4: can find out about great conversations like this one and

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Speaker 4: make their family happier. The Happy Families podcast is produced

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Speaker 4: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our

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Speaker 4: executive producer, and if you'd like more info about the

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Speaker 4: things we've talked about today, check out the show notes.

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Speaker 4: Go and visit Steve Bittoff's page you look up his

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Speaker 4: book Fully Human, or visit Happy Families dot com dot

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Speaker 4: a u