WEBVTT - SIMONE HOLTZNAGEL SAS AUSTRALIA DEBRIEF 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:01.720 It's in the news today, but it was actually on 0:00:01.800 --> 0:00:05.400 TV Reload the podcast last week. They might welcome back 0:00:05.440 --> 0:00:08.480 guys to TV Reload. My name's Benjamin Norris and on 0:00:08.560 --> 0:00:11.320 this podcast I go behind the scenes with the biggest 0:00:11.320 --> 0:00:12.360 players in television. 0:00:12.600 --> 0:00:14.560 Yeah, great questions. The show's about the game. 0:00:14.840 --> 0:00:17.520 There's a lot of great television out there in Australia. 0:00:17.600 --> 0:00:20.040 But I've also got to go behind the scenes with writers. 0:00:20.120 --> 0:00:22.239 The truth is, when I started writing it, it wasn't 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:25.119 had nothing to do with the news and casting agents. 0:00:24.880 --> 0:00:27.440 They know from a casting point of view what they need. 0:00:27.240 --> 0:00:30.960 And editors because that's what we do as editors where storytellers. 0:00:31.040 --> 0:00:34.360 Not to forget some incredible executive producers who are making 0:00:34.400 --> 0:00:37.040 some of the best TV in Australia. I have been 0:00:37.080 --> 0:00:39.559 on the program since the beginning and it's kind of 0:00:39.600 --> 0:00:42.640 in my DNA. So thanks for joining me each week 0:00:42.720 --> 0:00:45.280 and I hope the podcast continues to give you real 0:00:45.360 --> 0:00:49.000 insight into the magic of television today. On the podcast, 0:00:49.040 --> 0:00:51.960 I have Simone Hotsnagel, who is the latest recruit to 0:00:52.040 --> 0:00:56.040 leave Sas Australia on Channel seven. Over the last few 0:00:56.080 --> 0:00:59.920 episodes of TV Reload, you may have heard me referencing 0:01:00.240 --> 0:01:04.040 my personal relationships with Angie Kent and Cahn Ong, and 0:01:04.120 --> 0:01:07.319 now with this episode, it might seem link I'm just 0:01:07.360 --> 0:01:10.720 pretending that I know everyone. I honestly don't know everyone. 0:01:10.920 --> 0:01:14.000 But a bizarre anomaly was that this week three of 0:01:14.000 --> 0:01:17.240 my friends left reality shows and I got the privilege 0:01:17.240 --> 0:01:21.000 of talking to them about their experiences. So full disclaimer, 0:01:21.280 --> 0:01:24.400 I have known Simone for nearly ten years, so we 0:01:24.480 --> 0:01:28.360 will share some of our history, especially with our mutual friend, 0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:31.960 the late Charlotte Dawson. Simone became a household name in 0:01:31.959 --> 0:01:36.200 twenty eleven when she appeared on Next Top Model. She 0:01:36.280 --> 0:01:39.600 then went on to international acclaim, gracing the cover of 0:01:39.680 --> 0:01:44.120 Playboy magazine and also becoming a featured guest model, which 0:01:44.160 --> 0:01:47.600 is a massive accomplishment for our girl from OZ. In 0:01:47.680 --> 0:01:50.040 later years, you might have seen her on I'm a Celebrity, 0:01:50.040 --> 0:01:50.800 Get Me out of Here. 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:52.600 However, her post. 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:56.200 Pandemic role in Essays Australia has us talking about her career, 0:01:56.440 --> 0:01:59.920 her friendship with Charlotte, that pepper spray, and some behind 0:02:00.120 --> 0:02:02.720 the scenes goss from the show. I think you're gonna 0:02:02.760 --> 0:02:06.320 love Simone's candor, but I will also offer a trigger 0:02:06.360 --> 0:02:10.079 warning because this episode does include the discussion of suicide 0:02:10.320 --> 0:02:13.200 and if that does provoke your own feelings of distress, 0:02:13.480 --> 0:02:17.919 please call Lifeline on thirteen eleven fourteen. However, let's get 0:02:17.960 --> 0:02:21.320 started with this week's guest. I'd like to welcome Simone 0:02:21.360 --> 0:02:23.040 Hotsnagel to TV reload. 0:02:24.320 --> 0:02:27.080 Nothing prepares you for Bring a Lit on Fire seventeen 0:02:27.160 --> 0:02:32.320 celebrities leave behind their comfort and security. No one's ever 0:02:32.440 --> 0:02:35.240 going to understand exactly what it was like to. 0:02:35.240 --> 0:02:38.720 Embark on a life altering experience. 0:02:38.880 --> 0:02:41.120 Something that I'm not working on because I'm like, I'm 0:02:41.120 --> 0:02:42.880 allowed to fucking talk about it if I want. 0:02:43.000 --> 0:02:46.240 We'll take part in a condensed version of the SAS 0:02:46.280 --> 0:02:47.239 Selection course. 0:02:47.960 --> 0:02:50.600 I was watching it back and I'm like, why would 0:02:50.639 --> 0:02:53.280 I so stress. 0:02:53.160 --> 0:02:56.760 Summer here to fight for ademn shift. 0:02:57.680 --> 0:03:01.080 If I had the opportunity to do it, I reckon 0:03:01.080 --> 0:03:02.120 it'd be totally different. 0:03:02.880 --> 0:03:04.120 Hi, Simone, how are you? 0:03:04.400 --> 0:03:05.000 I'm good? 0:03:05.120 --> 0:03:06.760 Thanks, Benny, how are you? 0:03:07.200 --> 0:03:08.280 I I'm really well. 0:03:08.360 --> 0:03:10.360 I mean I'm a little traumatized because I don't like 0:03:10.400 --> 0:03:13.120 to see anyone I know go through something horrific. But 0:03:13.200 --> 0:03:17.000 I have to say congratulations on your time on SAS. 0:03:17.240 --> 0:03:19.760 How did you go watching last night's episode. 0:03:20.000 --> 0:03:24.120 Watching last night's episode was probably the hardest one for 0:03:24.240 --> 0:03:26.679 me to watch, only because like I knew my interrogation 0:03:26.919 --> 0:03:29.519 was going to be in there, and you know, it's 0:03:29.520 --> 0:03:32.239 different when you're like doing something like if you're working 0:03:32.240 --> 0:03:34.800 out and you're like, oh, like that's this was like 0:03:35.480 --> 0:03:39.880 I'm going to die pain like I've never experienced in 0:03:39.920 --> 0:03:43.560 my life. And obviously, I mean, I'm you know, I 0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:46.560 can laugh at myself, but like having that many bookers 0:03:46.600 --> 0:03:50.920 come out of your nose on TV is like kind 0:03:50.920 --> 0:03:54.720 of embarrassing, but yeah, it was did I did cry 0:03:54.760 --> 0:03:57.960 watching last night's episode talking about all the Charlotte stuff, 0:03:58.200 --> 0:04:00.560 But yeah, I knew that was coming, and I think 0:04:00.560 --> 0:04:02.040 it was more of the build up for me. 0:04:02.560 --> 0:04:04.680 We're gonna talk about the Charlotte thing in a minute 0:04:04.720 --> 0:04:07.160 because we have to. But from the moment that I 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:09.480 heard you were cast on this show, I kind of 0:04:09.480 --> 0:04:10.920 felt like I knew how it was going to go, 0:04:11.680 --> 0:04:14.280 and you exceeded what I thought it was going to be. 0:04:14.400 --> 0:04:16.320 Like I honestly, I was just so impressed. 0:04:16.600 --> 0:04:19.800 It's funny because like going in, everyone's like, oh, do 0:04:19.800 --> 0:04:22.360 you want to change the public's perception of you? And 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:23.840 I'm like I don't really care. 0:04:24.680 --> 0:04:25.520 What they think of me. 0:04:26.080 --> 0:04:28.080 I did want to do a good job, and I 0:04:28.120 --> 0:04:30.560 thought I was prepared, Like I trained for eight weeks 0:04:30.760 --> 0:04:35.440 my personal trainer in Woolengon and I was super fit. 0:04:35.560 --> 0:04:39.560 I was like lifting weight, but like nothing prepares you 0:04:39.640 --> 0:04:41.520 for being a lit on fire, like Hawd he trained 0:04:41.520 --> 0:04:45.040 for that, howd he trained for petspray, and like being 0:04:45.400 --> 0:04:48.599 almost drowned in a plane. The one thing I will 0:04:48.640 --> 0:04:50.599 say that I could have done more of was I 0:04:50.640 --> 0:04:53.599 could have started running again or like gone on. I 0:04:53.720 --> 0:04:55.800 was going on hypes and stuff, but I should have 0:04:55.880 --> 0:04:58.440 been wearing twenty heroes and I was only wearing about ten. 0:04:58.839 --> 0:05:01.120 You can't train to much as much as you want 0:05:01.120 --> 0:05:02.640 to look a certain way or feel like you can 0:05:02.680 --> 0:05:05.440 tackle it. I mean, this show really is about real 0:05:05.520 --> 0:05:10.359 people going in and facing the hardest possible challenges. I 0:05:10.400 --> 0:05:13.360 think that's what audiences almost want to see. So I 0:05:13.400 --> 0:05:15.559 think you know, had you gone in there as action 0:05:15.680 --> 0:05:20.200 packed Barbie, it probably might not have been what you needed. 0:05:20.760 --> 0:05:21.000 Yeah. 0:05:21.080 --> 0:05:24.160 Well, it's funny because I was having this conversation with 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:27.400 someone who's been on the show before, and we were 0:05:27.400 --> 0:05:29.080 both just saying, I wish they'd give. 0:05:29.000 --> 0:05:30.359 Us six months notice. 0:05:30.440 --> 0:05:32.120 But it's like they don't want anyone to be good, 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:34.440 and I was going to be the shit run because 0:05:34.560 --> 0:05:38.039 I was like the token model, which is fine as well. 0:05:38.120 --> 0:05:41.479 It's like I know when I do or have done 0:05:41.720 --> 0:05:44.000 this type of like not that type, but you know, 0:05:44.040 --> 0:05:47.080 like the Jungle and stuff, it's like, I know what 0:05:47.839 --> 0:05:50.760 my role is there. I know it's reality TV, but 0:05:50.880 --> 0:05:54.480 everyone's kind of passed. There's always the token model, there's 0:05:54.560 --> 0:05:59.360 always comedian, there's always like footy player, you know what 0:05:59.440 --> 0:06:03.960 I mean. Everyone, Yes, it is typecast that like deal 0:06:04.040 --> 0:06:04.320 with it. 0:06:04.640 --> 0:06:06.200 But at the same time, you know, what I thought 0:06:06.240 --> 0:06:09.080 was really good was I enjoyed your interactions and the 0:06:09.160 --> 0:06:13.480 realness that you were able to continue to be throughout 0:06:13.480 --> 0:06:16.320 the series. Like I watched people on sas the Jungle, 0:06:16.640 --> 0:06:18.719 all of these shows that are celebrities that go in there, 0:06:19.080 --> 0:06:22.560 and I never really feel like they've allowed them to 0:06:22.600 --> 0:06:26.599 give themselves fully up to the experience where even last night, 0:06:26.680 --> 0:06:28.800 you were having conversation with one of the other girls, 0:06:29.120 --> 0:06:31.880 and I could tell that's just you. You know, you 0:06:31.920 --> 0:06:34.520 were going through something and you were sharing that with her, 0:06:34.839 --> 0:06:37.479 but you were sharing that with the audience, which makes 0:06:37.520 --> 0:06:38.040 good Telly. 0:06:38.480 --> 0:06:41.320 The funny thing is not maybe maybe too much, not 0:06:41.360 --> 0:06:43.840 with Top Model, because that was like when I did 0:06:43.880 --> 0:06:46.240 Top Model, that was like eleven years ago now, and 0:06:46.240 --> 0:06:50.159 that was kind of before reality TV like really became 0:06:50.240 --> 0:06:53.680 this huge juggernaut, Like it was still in the early 0:06:54.160 --> 0:06:57.120 days and Instagram wasn't even invented when I did Top Model. 0:06:57.160 --> 0:06:59.039 It came out like a couple of months. 0:06:58.920 --> 0:06:59.760 Later, I remember. 0:07:00.160 --> 0:07:04.960 But I feel like so many people worry about saying 0:07:05.000 --> 0:07:08.040 the wrong thing, or like doing the wrong thing, and 0:07:08.680 --> 0:07:11.840 or like showing only like one side of themselves, like 0:07:11.880 --> 0:07:15.000 this kind of image that they already have or they 0:07:15.040 --> 0:07:17.200 want to hold up. And I'm just not about that. 0:07:17.360 --> 0:07:19.280 But that's why you get hired for these jobs, you 0:07:19.320 --> 0:07:22.240 know that. That's why people who do fake it on 0:07:22.280 --> 0:07:24.680 these shows shouldn't be hired for these jobs. Because if 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:27.800 we're going to watch, I mean, reality isn't the title, 0:07:27.920 --> 0:07:29.640 and I think in some way some of these shows 0:07:29.640 --> 0:07:32.040 have lost sight of that. But the closer we get 0:07:32.080 --> 0:07:34.960 to understanding the human condition, now we're being too deep, 0:07:35.000 --> 0:07:37.040 but you know, the closer we get to sort of 0:07:37.200 --> 0:07:42.080 exploring social experiment or people put into real situations of danger. 0:07:42.120 --> 0:07:43.880 I guess the more we relate to it. 0:07:44.080 --> 0:07:51.160 Yeah, and like me, I have like never spoken publicly about, like, 0:07:51.360 --> 0:07:53.360 you know, suffering from anxiety. 0:07:53.480 --> 0:07:55.800 So I was like, but like, I wasn't going to 0:07:55.800 --> 0:07:56.440 pretend that. 0:07:56.320 --> 0:08:00.200 It wasn't happening. I couldn't just go and like not 0:08:00.600 --> 0:08:03.240 cry because I was like in that moment I still 0:08:03.280 --> 0:08:06.000 remember it. That was actually on the first day, and 0:08:06.160 --> 0:08:09.160 I was like full wig out mode. I was like, 0:08:09.200 --> 0:08:12.440 what the fuck am I doing? Like I was dressing 0:08:12.480 --> 0:08:14.000 out so hard. 0:08:14.520 --> 0:08:16.960 It was obviously because like I was very overwhelmed. 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:19.280 But the thing that like set me off was so 0:08:19.400 --> 0:08:21.800 you know, like, oh, maybe not with Big Brother, but 0:08:22.160 --> 0:08:24.760 you know other shows, like the cameras are there and 0:08:24.840 --> 0:08:27.080 the producers are there right next to the camera, right, 0:08:27.480 --> 0:08:29.480 That's like not what it is like. And when we're 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:33.240 in the base camp, it's just all cameras on the wall, 0:08:33.559 --> 0:08:35.920 so there's no actual cameramen in there, and we don't 0:08:35.920 --> 0:08:39.319 have any interaction with anybody, Like, no one's glowed to 0:08:39.320 --> 0:08:40.680 look at us, no one's glad to speak to you. 0:08:41.160 --> 0:08:43.559 So when we have to get our batteries change, they 0:08:43.600 --> 0:08:45.400 come and stand at the door and they'll call your 0:08:45.440 --> 0:08:47.680 number out and you get taken into a room, but 0:08:47.760 --> 0:08:50.800 they put blackout goggles on you even while you're having 0:08:50.800 --> 0:08:54.440 your battery change, so you can't interact with even the 0:08:54.720 --> 0:08:57.760 sound people. And we're getting our batteries changed. And I 0:08:57.920 --> 0:08:59.600 was like, I put the goggles. 0:08:59.160 --> 0:09:02.120 On and I just would not stop crying. 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:04.680 I was just like weeping, and I was just like 0:09:04.720 --> 0:09:06.959 it was my first kind of moment in that first 0:09:07.040 --> 0:09:08.920 day that I was there, and I. 0:09:08.840 --> 0:09:11.200 Was just like, what the fuck am I doing here? 0:09:11.640 --> 0:09:13.480 Like I'm so out of. 0:09:13.440 --> 0:09:15.880 My leg So whatever, I check it out for like 0:09:15.920 --> 0:09:18.200 four more days, Like, yes, they showed it in a 0:09:18.240 --> 0:09:20.160 different order, but like it still happened. 0:09:20.320 --> 0:09:20.560 Yeah. 0:09:20.559 --> 0:09:22.200 I noticed that like a couple of times where they 0:09:22.200 --> 0:09:24.160 would take your mask off and I could see that 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:25.920 it looked like you'd already been crying. 0:09:26.240 --> 0:09:27.120 I could already see that. 0:09:27.160 --> 0:09:28.640 But you know, I kind of felt like you break 0:09:28.640 --> 0:09:32.040 down stereotypes because just remember what it's like being a 0:09:32.040 --> 0:09:35.680 little girl, Because I remember, and that is that we 0:09:35.800 --> 0:09:38.880 think that beautiful people if we looked beautiful or if 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:40.640 we were a model, you know, like if we were 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:43.680 these things, we wouldn't feel anxious. And so I just 0:09:43.720 --> 0:09:46.360 felt this was a good thing for young people to 0:09:46.400 --> 0:09:49.559 see because people go oh, simone. People would love to 0:09:50.120 --> 0:09:52.120 be that you know, and then to know that you 0:09:52.160 --> 0:09:55.160 struggle and that you have anxiety and that you process 0:09:55.240 --> 0:09:57.319 things the same way as just as anybody else. 0:09:58.200 --> 0:09:59.240 I think that's amazing. 0:09:59.440 --> 0:10:03.560 That's very good, like perspective on it, which I do 0:10:03.679 --> 0:10:06.840 agree with. Actually, if you see other people on TV, 0:10:07.000 --> 0:10:10.320 you know, for someone like me or whoever it is 0:10:10.800 --> 0:10:14.160 talking about, like you know, it doesn't matter like what 0:10:14.200 --> 0:10:18.240 you're doing, who you are, Like everyone has shit, man, 0:10:18.720 --> 0:10:20.240 some people just don't talk about it. 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:22.480 Well, you're a fan of the show, And what was 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:23.920 the core reason for saying yet? 0:10:24.400 --> 0:10:28.080 My core reason for saying yes, it's because it was 0:10:28.080 --> 0:10:31.320 in lockdown and I was still working, but I wasn't 0:10:31.360 --> 0:10:35.040 working anywhere near as much. And also like I just 0:10:35.080 --> 0:10:38.439 needed trying to focus on on to like be excited 0:10:38.440 --> 0:10:40.000 for it, to look forward to because you didn't know 0:10:40.040 --> 0:10:42.560 when we're getting out of lockdown, and I was just 0:10:42.679 --> 0:10:45.040 like I could be in my house for the rest 0:10:45.080 --> 0:10:45.679 of my life. 0:10:45.800 --> 0:10:48.720 I don't know, you know what I mean, very easily. Yeah, Yeah, 0:10:48.760 --> 0:10:49.600 I think we also. 0:10:49.920 --> 0:10:53.680 So when I say first asked, I was like, oh, god, 0:10:53.880 --> 0:10:59.880 probably not better yeah than I was just like, actually, yeah, 0:11:00.080 --> 0:11:02.040 because yeah, I needed take to focus on because like 0:11:02.080 --> 0:11:05.120 otherwise I would have just probably come rolling out of 0:11:05.160 --> 0:11:07.600 my house because I would have gotten so fat from 0:11:07.640 --> 0:11:10.880 just cooking and drinking. So it was nice to have 0:11:10.960 --> 0:11:13.240 like a goal to work towards in a time where 0:11:13.280 --> 0:11:15.559 we all kind of were like, what are we doing? 0:11:16.040 --> 0:11:17.959 I have to ask what was the what would you 0:11:18.040 --> 0:11:20.840 pinpoint as being the hardest part of the experience. It 0:11:20.880 --> 0:11:23.240 did end with you walking with this pepper spray, But 0:11:23.320 --> 0:11:25.760 I don't necessarily know if that was the worst or 0:11:25.800 --> 0:11:27.760 if it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. 0:11:27.960 --> 0:11:33.000 I don't I feel like my reaction to everything, which 0:11:33.040 --> 0:11:37.360 is so far out of my comfort zone, is pretty normal. Obviously, 0:11:37.400 --> 0:11:40.280 I wish I did a lot better. And I was 0:11:40.320 --> 0:11:44.800 watching it back and I'm like, why was I so stressed? 0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:46.000 Mentally? 0:11:46.679 --> 0:11:49.880 I was white mustling it the entire way through, Like 0:11:49.960 --> 0:11:52.120 after I had that pinning to Pike on the first night, 0:11:52.240 --> 0:11:55.440 like every day whenever we're doing a debrief and they're like, 0:11:55.720 --> 0:11:57.600 this is what you know when they're telling you kind 0:11:57.640 --> 0:12:00.000 of what the theme of the day is, and anytime, 0:12:00.000 --> 0:12:02.800 and they're like, this is about controlling your emotions. You 0:12:02.840 --> 0:12:06.240 have to control your emotions. I was like, OK, but 0:12:06.480 --> 0:12:11.280 literally instantly started just like weeping, and I just couldn't stop. 0:12:11.440 --> 0:12:15.679 I was just I was so in my head, which 0:12:16.040 --> 0:12:18.839 looking back is kind of disappointing because it did kind 0:12:18.840 --> 0:12:21.080 of ruin it for me. I wouldn't want to do 0:12:21.080 --> 0:12:24.040 it again. But if I had the opportunity to do 0:12:24.160 --> 0:12:26.560 it over, I reckon it'd be totally different. 0:12:26.960 --> 0:12:29.320 The weird thing about these sorts of shows is once 0:12:29.360 --> 0:12:31.920 it's done, you're always going to I think they call 0:12:31.960 --> 0:12:35.199 it Sunday Morning quarterbacking, where you're always going to pull 0:12:35.240 --> 0:12:36.920 it apart and think, oh, you know, this is how 0:12:36.920 --> 0:12:37.480 I could have done it. 0:12:37.520 --> 0:12:40.520 I could have done it differently. What's the recovery period. 0:12:40.280 --> 0:12:42.400 Like for this, because I can imagine essays is like, 0:12:42.440 --> 0:12:44.600 you know, deep facial, you know those ones where they 0:12:44.679 --> 0:12:47.640 really get into the nooks and crannies and butcher your face. 0:12:48.840 --> 0:12:51.080 About to go and have I'm about to go and 0:12:51.320 --> 0:12:54.640 have laser. Oh I do know exactly what you're talking. 0:12:54.440 --> 0:12:57.320 Okay, but is that how what's the recovery time not 0:12:57.360 --> 0:13:00.720 for a facial but for sas. 0:13:00.960 --> 0:13:06.640 I took maybe like a week, just like chilling, because 0:13:06.679 --> 0:13:12.520 it's just again like when we finished filming, everything reopened 0:13:12.640 --> 0:13:16.000 and I was just like, I have just been through 0:13:16.559 --> 0:13:19.400 this like crazy thing, and obviously we couldn't talk about it, 0:13:19.440 --> 0:13:21.320 like you know, you can't really talk about that sort 0:13:21.320 --> 0:13:23.600 of shit with anyone, and it's hard for other people 0:13:23.640 --> 0:13:27.840 to relate you. No one's ever going to understand You're 0:13:28.360 --> 0:13:31.800 exactly what it was like. So you get close with 0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:35.840 these people who have this shared experience with But yeah, 0:13:35.920 --> 0:13:40.439 I took a couple of days at home just relaxing 0:13:40.520 --> 0:13:43.360 because yeah, I've been training like every day for eight 0:13:43.360 --> 0:13:45.560 weeks before the show, and then yeah, I was covered 0:13:45.559 --> 0:13:48.360 in bruises and scratches and all sorts of shit. 0:13:48.960 --> 0:13:50.760 I think, as well, don't you think with doing a 0:13:50.800 --> 0:13:53.840 TV show, people go, oh, that's glamorous. They want to 0:13:53.840 --> 0:13:55.520 be there, you know, they want to do that because 0:13:55.520 --> 0:13:58.480 that's about them, you know, and they don't realize that 0:13:58.559 --> 0:14:01.760 these experiences, it takes a lot to do it. It 0:14:01.880 --> 0:14:04.600 is not as easy as you think. Yes, you probably 0:14:04.600 --> 0:14:06.680 do think at the start, oh, I'll be on television 0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:09.000 and that there has to be a small amount of 0:14:09.040 --> 0:14:12.160 narcissism in there a little bit. But then the reality, 0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:14.840 the whole situation is that you're actually carving a huge 0:14:14.920 --> 0:14:18.120 piece out of yourself, and then you're kind of being 0:14:18.160 --> 0:14:20.080 forced to not feel how you feel. 0:14:20.720 --> 0:14:25.280 It's funny, I am still working and stuff, like a 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:28.360 still model, Like everyone things to think that I like, 0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:30.080 go work as a model anymore. 0:14:30.080 --> 0:14:30.360 I do. 0:14:30.440 --> 0:14:32.840 I just don't post about it on my Instagram because 0:14:32.880 --> 0:14:37.360 I'm doing like ECONMS, but I feel I was talking 0:14:37.400 --> 0:14:39.640 to Richard but Rose on the phone the other night 0:14:39.920 --> 0:14:42.520 and we're just saying and I was like, it's a 0:14:42.560 --> 0:14:44.200 bit different for him because he even do a fuck 0:14:44.200 --> 0:14:47.800 about TV love him dearly, but I was just saying, 0:14:47.800 --> 0:14:50.440 I was like, oh, it's such a weird feeling when 0:14:50.480 --> 0:14:52.040 you get out on a show. 0:14:52.080 --> 0:14:53.880 Are you wrapped doing a show? 0:14:54.480 --> 0:14:58.920 Because you know different when it's lives to air, might 0:14:59.080 --> 0:15:01.680 show a show fed right, So, like I said, like 0:15:01.720 --> 0:15:06.280 I had months pre show training, then filming the actual show, 0:15:06.880 --> 0:15:09.040 and then you wait for it to come out, and 0:15:09.080 --> 0:15:11.600 you do all this publicity and you're excited for the 0:15:11.640 --> 0:15:13.240 show to come out and finally see it, and then 0:15:13.280 --> 0:15:15.440 it comes out and you're like oh, and then like 0:15:15.480 --> 0:15:17.400 of course the other thing comes along, but you're in 0:15:17.440 --> 0:15:22.920 this weird like limbo of what's happening. I feel like 0:15:23.000 --> 0:15:25.760 it's like obviously turned out all right there, and they 0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:28.520 showed that one moment of me having a fucking panic attack, 0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:32.240 but that was like every day I was like cool 0:15:32.360 --> 0:15:35.080 to go home and like fool freaking out. 0:15:35.600 --> 0:15:36.440 So I was worried. 0:15:36.760 --> 0:15:39.480 But then as well, when we got the date to 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:42.240 the show to come out, it was it came out 0:15:42.240 --> 0:15:44.240 the day before charlotte anniversary, and I was like. 0:15:44.200 --> 0:15:45.520 Fuck me, how annoying. 0:15:45.800 --> 0:15:47.800 Like I obviously didn't know how they edited it, but 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:50.520 I was like, Okay, it's going to be me on 0:15:50.600 --> 0:15:55.360 TV the night before her anniversary with my interrogation like 0:15:55.480 --> 0:15:58.760 talking about it. I was like, fuck, what shit's timing? 0:16:00.440 --> 0:16:03.360 And then it wasn't that bad and they only played 0:16:03.360 --> 0:16:07.080 it last night, which you know it was her weird 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:11.520 was her funeral eight years ago yesterday and then eight 0:16:11.600 --> 0:16:14.640 years later, still on TV talking about it. 0:16:15.520 --> 0:16:18.560 Well, I mean, it's a big part of your life. 0:16:18.920 --> 0:16:20.920 I think you have to give yourself some credit for that. 0:16:21.040 --> 0:16:23.880 I mean I was emotional wreck watching you talk about 0:16:23.960 --> 0:16:27.200 Charlotte because I knew how close you both were, and 0:16:27.240 --> 0:16:30.000 I could only imagine that she would have been so 0:16:30.880 --> 0:16:33.800 proud of you with the way you spoke about it, 0:16:33.880 --> 0:16:35.640 so I wasn't there to see it all happened in 0:16:35.680 --> 0:16:38.280 real time, but I don't know how it all came out, 0:16:38.320 --> 0:16:40.920 but the way it was played on television, I mean, 0:16:41.000 --> 0:16:43.200 knowing Charlotte as well as I did, I think she'd 0:16:43.200 --> 0:16:44.080 just be really proud of you. 0:16:44.320 --> 0:16:46.560 Yeah, I think she would be too. I just like, 0:16:47.200 --> 0:16:49.000 it's not that I don't like talking about it, like 0:16:49.080 --> 0:16:51.560 I'm so happy to talk about it, and I know 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:55.320 she'd still love people talking about it, But it's just 0:16:55.400 --> 0:16:57.920 more I don't want people to think that, oh, like 0:16:58.120 --> 0:17:02.040 I'm still talking it like oh like she's still talking 0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:05.360 about it, like I'm trying to stay kind of relevant 0:17:05.400 --> 0:17:08.879 or something. But that's just like amazing, I know, Like, 0:17:08.960 --> 0:17:12.800 and it's been like everything that I have seen has. 0:17:12.600 --> 0:17:13.680 Been like good feedback. 0:17:13.720 --> 0:17:18.320 Everyone's like that was really heartbreaking to watch, which it 0:17:18.520 --> 0:17:20.639 was like I cried watching it, and I knew what 0:17:20.680 --> 0:17:21.040 I said. 0:17:21.040 --> 0:17:21.520 I was there. 0:17:22.000 --> 0:17:24.199 It's saying that I'm like working on because I'm like, 0:17:24.240 --> 0:17:26.240 I'm allowed to fucking talk about it if I want. 0:17:26.400 --> 0:17:28.360 If you're not talking about this in thirty years time, 0:17:28.440 --> 0:17:30.840 I'd be shocked. And then for anyone who would comment 0:17:30.920 --> 0:17:33.320 on that in any other way, doesn't know the situation, 0:17:33.920 --> 0:17:36.680 doesn't know how close you are, or maybe they haven't 0:17:36.720 --> 0:17:37.359 lost anyone. 0:17:37.800 --> 0:17:40.879 I knew I was going to cry in that, and 0:17:40.920 --> 0:17:43.320 I knew they were going to ask, because that's really 0:17:43.359 --> 0:17:46.240 like my only thing, Like I don't have any other great, 0:17:46.320 --> 0:17:49.199 big scandals, like I. 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:51.000 Don't necessarily know if that's true. 0:17:51.080 --> 0:17:54.000 Maybe that is, I mean, losing my father, like that 0:17:54.080 --> 0:17:55.720 was the biggest thing that's probably happened in my life 0:17:55.760 --> 0:17:58.960 A minute dwarfs, Yeah, something like that is always going 0:17:59.000 --> 0:18:01.400 to be. I mean, you've been on the front cover 0:18:01.440 --> 0:18:06.280 of Playboy, You've been countless guests, contracts you know that 0:18:06.320 --> 0:18:07.760 have been seen globally. 0:18:08.280 --> 0:18:09.560 And I was so. 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:11.080 Worried for you at the time because you were such 0:18:11.080 --> 0:18:14.080 a baby, like you were so young, and I just thought, 0:18:14.440 --> 0:18:15.960 how are you going to pick yourself up? And then 0:18:16.000 --> 0:18:18.199 the more I got to be in your audience and 0:18:18.280 --> 0:18:22.159 see you succeed and succeed and succeed, it's mind blowing 0:18:22.160 --> 0:18:24.480 to me. You know, it's amazing. 0:18:25.119 --> 0:18:28.880 It's funny because I think back to that and I'm like, oh, 0:18:29.040 --> 0:18:32.000 I didn't actually like because after she died, I like 0:18:32.359 --> 0:18:35.520 ran away. Basically I left and went to America like 0:18:35.560 --> 0:18:38.320 a couple months after that and just took off. 0:18:38.640 --> 0:18:41.240 And then everything just kind of happened through me. 0:18:42.000 --> 0:18:44.680 So yeah, it's just it's such an interesting it's been 0:18:44.680 --> 0:18:46.200 an interesting eight years. 0:18:46.400 --> 0:18:47.960 I don't know about you, but do you think Charlotte 0:18:47.960 --> 0:18:50.159 would have done this show? I kept thinking, had she 0:18:50.240 --> 0:18:53.400 survived her mental health battle, I could imagine Charlotte being 0:18:53.520 --> 0:18:54.920 on sas people. 0:18:54.720 --> 0:18:56.680 Have asked me that. The only reason that I can 0:18:56.720 --> 0:18:58.800