WEBVTT - Stop right now, thank you very much. Talking Boundaries and Self worth. 0:00:19.520 --> 0:00:23.080 Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. 0:00:23.160 --> 0:00:25.840 I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and we have to make today's 0:00:25.840 --> 0:00:29.160 episode snappy because currently my sister is in labor. I know, 0:00:29.240 --> 0:00:31.920 it's so exciting, okay, and I just want to really 0:00:32.000 --> 0:00:35.880 reiterate our dedication, but specifically Laura's dedication to you guys 0:00:35.920 --> 0:00:36.720 in this podcast. 0:00:37.040 --> 0:00:38.479 I went to an early gym class and I get 0:00:38.520 --> 0:00:40.519 a message from Laura being like, oh, my god, my 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:43.000 sister is in labor, and in my mind, I was like, 0:00:43.040 --> 0:00:45.400 oh cool, we're going to have to put this episode 0:00:45.479 --> 0:00:46.760 on hold for a couple of days. I thought that's 0:00:46.800 --> 0:00:48.640 where she was going with it, because we were recording 0:00:48.640 --> 0:00:51.400 in two hours. So I wrote back on my god, congratulations, 0:00:51.720 --> 0:00:52.879 what do you want to do about the pod? Then 0:00:52.920 --> 0:00:54.480 when you want to reschedule it, she's like, oh, no, 0:00:54.520 --> 0:00:56.720 we need to bring the episode. We always record this. 0:00:56.680 --> 0:00:59.360 On a Monday, and obviously it comes out on a Tuesday, 0:00:59.640 --> 0:01:02.160 and she's in labor. And what we've had to do 0:01:02.240 --> 0:01:04.200 this time around. So I was at the birth of 0:01:04.280 --> 0:01:07.040 my nephew for the first time that my sister had 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:09.679 a kid, and this is her second kid, and I 0:01:09.720 --> 0:01:11.800 want to be there when it's coming out. I want 0:01:11.800 --> 0:01:14.520 to be down there at the action end. And you 0:01:14.560 --> 0:01:16.399 can only have one person in the room with you, 0:01:16.440 --> 0:01:17.880 And so at the start she was like, so do. 0:01:17.840 --> 0:01:20.480 I have my husband or do I have Laura. 0:01:20.560 --> 0:01:22.960 But now they've kind of changed things a little bit 0:01:22.959 --> 0:01:26.360 with COVID and you can have your partner, your birthing partner, 0:01:26.400 --> 0:01:28.319 and you can also have a duela. 0:01:28.880 --> 0:01:31.440 So I am pretending that I am a duela. But 0:01:31.560 --> 0:01:33.840 I'm concerned because she's in labor right now and you're here. 0:01:34.160 --> 0:01:37.119 No, her waters have broke, but she's not having contractions yet, 0:01:37.160 --> 0:01:39.280 so she's waiting for them to come on, so she 0:01:39.319 --> 0:01:42.200 would have this baby in the next twenty four hours. 0:01:42.480 --> 0:01:44.280 They do not slide out. I have a friend who's 0:01:44.319 --> 0:01:45.000 slid right out. 0:01:45.080 --> 0:01:47.840 These people who have babies that slide right out set 0:01:47.960 --> 0:01:50.320 an unrealistic expectation on what birth is. 0:01:50.480 --> 0:01:52.200 They don't call it labor for nothing. I mean, that's 0:01:52.240 --> 0:01:54.400 my expectation. Now I want to slide right out. 0:01:54.480 --> 0:01:56.360 I just think I'm like, not the person that you 0:01:56.360 --> 0:01:58.360 should have as a duela, Like I'm going to be 0:01:58.400 --> 0:02:00.480 her woo girl. Like I'm like, you can do it. 0:02:00.680 --> 0:02:03.200 But I'm also all for the drugs. I feel like 0:02:03.240 --> 0:02:05.800 duelas are mostly there to try and help you breathe 0:02:05.840 --> 0:02:08.560 a baby out. Whereas the doctor comes in and my 0:02:08.600 --> 0:02:10.400 sister wants to do it natural, she does not want 0:02:10.400 --> 0:02:12.680 to have an epidurol. The doctor will come in and 0:02:12.680 --> 0:02:14.600 be like, so, you know, have you thought about your epidurol? 0:02:14.600 --> 0:02:17.040 And it's kind of like imagine you're at dinner with 0:02:17.080 --> 0:02:18.760 someone and they don't want to have dessert, and the 0:02:18.760 --> 0:02:21.320 waiter comes over, and the waitershit paths where where I'm going? 0:02:21.320 --> 0:02:22.040 Where I'm going with this? 0:02:22.280 --> 0:02:24.440 The waiter comes over and the wai it's like, so 0:02:24.480 --> 0:02:27.120 do you guys want dessert? And one person's like, no, 0:02:27.200 --> 0:02:29.200 I don't, and the other person's like, let's just look. 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:30.280 At the menu. That's me. 0:02:30.600 --> 0:02:32.359 They're like, do you want to epidural And she's like, no, 0:02:32.480 --> 0:02:34.400 I don't. I'm like, let's just think about it. But 0:02:34.480 --> 0:02:36.240 let's just bring the epi durol over. Maybe we can 0:02:36.240 --> 0:02:36.639 share one. 0:02:36.680 --> 0:02:38.120 Why don't I put the middle in a little bit 0:02:38.120 --> 0:02:40.320 and then we'll decide whether we push. My girlfriend showed 0:02:40.360 --> 0:02:42.440 me some photo she had a baby last week and 0:02:42.600 --> 0:02:45.360 she had it at home in her house in a pool, 0:02:45.680 --> 0:02:47.760 and so she has the dueler come as well, because 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:49.320 I didn't even know what a duela was. Oh wait, 0:02:49.360 --> 0:02:53.120 this was her first baby, yep, at home, no drugs 0:02:53.160 --> 0:02:55.600 in a pool for her first child, that is aggressive. 0:02:55.919 --> 0:02:57.519 And she showed me. I was like, can I see 0:02:57.560 --> 0:02:59.200 because we're very close, like can I see the photos 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:00.960 and stuff? And she showed me. I couldn't even look. 0:03:01.000 --> 0:03:02.760 I was like, I work in the theater. The more 0:03:02.800 --> 0:03:05.560 potanm guts and cuts and stuff that I see, the 0:03:05.560 --> 0:03:08.920 more excited I am. Watching the pain on her face 0:03:09.120 --> 0:03:12.160 with his head coming out, and her husband looked like 0:03:12.200 --> 0:03:14.239 he was in more pain than she did. His face 0:03:14.280 --> 0:03:16.520 looked like he was going to be sick. I couldn't. 0:03:16.639 --> 0:03:17.840 I was like, I don't know how you did that. 0:03:17.880 --> 0:03:19.760 I don't know. And because you can't get the drugs 0:03:19.760 --> 0:03:22.080 then even if you change your mind, no, and also 0:03:22.080 --> 0:03:23.880 you can't because you're at your house. But not to 0:03:24.000 --> 0:03:26.919 terrorize anyone who is pregnant or about to go into labor, 0:03:27.280 --> 0:03:29.519 I will say this. So I went to my sister's 0:03:29.600 --> 0:03:30.880 first birth before. 0:03:30.560 --> 0:03:34.040 I was even pregnant with Marley, and it totally changed 0:03:34.120 --> 0:03:38.520 my experience and my expectations around what birth was, if anything, 0:03:38.600 --> 0:03:40.720 I think that most people would assume that they would 0:03:40.720 --> 0:03:43.680 be more frightened after watching birth, but after watching my 0:03:43.720 --> 0:03:46.320 sister give birth to my nephew, it made me less 0:03:46.320 --> 0:03:49.120 frightened about birth. I was like, Oh, that's how it works. 0:03:49.360 --> 0:03:51.880 They kind of come out a bit triangle. That makes sense, 0:03:51.960 --> 0:03:55.240 like the head is like a cone. So it really 0:03:55.320 --> 0:03:57.160 just kind of took a lot of the fear out 0:03:57.160 --> 0:03:59.480 of it for me. But anyway, she is in labor 0:04:00.200 --> 0:04:01.880 to get this episode underway. 0:04:02.720 --> 0:04:04.440 There's been a lot happening as well. Guys. 0:04:04.480 --> 0:04:06.560 Maths was on last night. Like I said, we're recording 0:04:06.560 --> 0:04:09.680 this Monday, it'll come out tomorrow. That we sat through 0:04:09.720 --> 0:04:13.280 the absolute shit storm, fire of surprises that was Maths. 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:15.160 What I did. Britain hasn't watched it yet. I've done 0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:17.560 my cats up this morning and Laura and I have 0:04:17.600 --> 0:04:20.640 just been in hysterics. I actually can't believe. How like, 0:04:20.720 --> 0:04:23.000 when you think that that show couldn't possibly get any 0:04:23.000 --> 0:04:25.400 worse or any more toxic or any more lava filled, 0:04:25.839 --> 0:04:28.240 it does. It goes out and it trumps itself every 0:04:28.240 --> 0:04:31.080 single week, and it's actually almost laughable. I look at 0:04:31.080 --> 0:04:33.080 the show now and I'm laughing because I'm like this 0:04:33.240 --> 0:04:36.160 is actually the fact, the fact that we're such sickos 0:04:36.160 --> 0:04:38.320 that want to watch this and encourage these TV shows 0:04:39.000 --> 0:04:39.839 is baffling to me. 0:04:40.200 --> 0:04:42.599 There was a lot going on in last night's episode, 0:04:42.680 --> 0:04:46.599 and I mean, firstly, the whole Beck trying to cover 0:04:46.720 --> 0:04:49.520 up her affair by saying that she was kissing her brother. 0:04:49.680 --> 0:04:53.120 There's a lot of you, like, you know what, an 0:04:53.160 --> 0:04:55.400 affair is one thing, but an affair with your brother 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:57.120 is a whole other thing. 0:04:56.960 --> 0:04:59.039 To deal with. I love that she thinks that that 0:04:59.160 --> 0:05:01.440 is the fact that she saying an incestrous affair is 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:05.279 better excuse than saying I just kissed someone is actually ridiculous. 0:05:04.920 --> 0:05:07.160 Because like the first time, it was so easy to 0:05:07.200 --> 0:05:09.359 miss what was actually being played on the screen, Like 0:05:09.400 --> 0:05:11.760 it was so easy to kind of go like, I 0:05:11.800 --> 0:05:13.240 mean I missed it the first time. I was too 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:15.200 busy looking at the manhole thinking someone was going to 0:05:15.240 --> 0:05:16.800 climb through it, so I kind of miss what was 0:05:16.800 --> 0:05:19.760 happening in the corner of the screen. So maybe she 0:05:20.240 --> 0:05:21.960 missed a bit of it and she was like, oh, oh, 0:05:22.040 --> 0:05:24.599 it was my brother. But then when you listen back, 0:05:24.680 --> 0:05:28.719 she's like, oh, my baby, it just gets weirder and 0:05:28.760 --> 0:05:29.839 weirder quickly. 0:05:29.560 --> 0:05:31.960 To anyone that didn't watch it. Long, long story short, 0:05:32.040 --> 0:05:33.840 Beck had to leave the show really quickly for a 0:05:33.839 --> 0:05:35.839 couple of weeks to go and look after a sick dog. 0:05:36.440 --> 0:05:39.839 While she was away, they were supposed to like record 0:05:39.920 --> 0:05:41.440 different things as they go and send it back to 0:05:41.480 --> 0:05:43.400 the producers for when they come back. So she's come 0:05:43.440 --> 0:05:45.200 back after a couple of weeks. She's handed a phone 0:05:45.200 --> 0:05:47.960 into the producers. But in that time that she was home, 0:05:48.080 --> 0:05:50.880 she was recording something. She's obviously forgotten to turn a 0:05:50.960 --> 0:05:53.320 phone off. The phone has fallen onto the ground and 0:05:53.360 --> 0:05:56.200 it's got this awkward angle of it shooting up into 0:05:56.320 --> 0:05:58.240 the ceiling. You can see the ceiling. Then in the 0:05:58.240 --> 0:05:59.920 corner you see her making out with a guy. She 0:06:00.160 --> 0:06:02.560 hasn't even known this has happened. She's then given it 0:06:02.600 --> 0:06:04.919 to the producers unknowingly, and they have put her on 0:06:04.960 --> 0:06:07.400 the spot in front of everyone, calling her out for 0:06:07.480 --> 0:06:09.520 like making out with someone, to which she said, oh, 0:06:09.560 --> 0:06:11.520 it was my brother. That is the story. 0:06:11.800 --> 0:06:15.320 Could you imagine being that producer and stumbling across that. 0:06:15.360 --> 0:06:17.520 Little bit of gold, you would be like, fuck, I 0:06:17.600 --> 0:06:20.520 have just made this season. Give me hey rise, Oh 0:06:20.680 --> 0:06:22.960 that they definitely got to pay rise that producer. 0:06:22.920 --> 0:06:25.120 Was it was insane, Like, I mean, that was the 0:06:25.120 --> 0:06:26.719 bombshow that nobody was expecting. 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:27.640 Everybody wanted. 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:29.320 There is a little part of me and I read 0:06:29.320 --> 0:06:30.920 a few things this morning that we were a bit 0:06:31.520 --> 0:06:35.200 frightening online with people going to town about Beck. This 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:38.120 always happens when somebody has behaved so badly and there's 0:06:38.160 --> 0:06:41.000 been terrible decision making and people have been hurt on 0:06:41.120 --> 0:06:43.800 reality TV shows, it always ends up kicking off and 0:06:43.880 --> 0:06:46.839 social media, as we know always. But Booker, who is 0:06:46.880 --> 0:06:48.640 on the experiment as well, she has come out in 0:06:48.640 --> 0:06:53.039 defense of Beck today because of the absolute like vitriol 0:06:53.080 --> 0:06:56.800 that she is experiencing. And I guess sometimes as much 0:06:56.839 --> 0:07:01.560 as what it was wildly entertaining entertainment and also something 0:07:01.680 --> 0:07:04.640 that I think finally people had their like, oh I 0:07:04.680 --> 0:07:06.719 knew I didn't. I knew there was something that you 0:07:06.760 --> 0:07:09.600 were hiding. You know that people kind of felt validated 0:07:09.600 --> 0:07:12.280 and their reasons for not liking Beck along throughout the 0:07:12.320 --> 0:07:15.320 series because she has treated Jake pretty poorly. But Booker 0:07:15.360 --> 0:07:17.920 has come out and said, I'm not defending the choices 0:07:18.040 --> 0:07:20.400 that Beck made along the way, but please remember that 0:07:20.440 --> 0:07:24.080 she is a human being, complex, flawed, jaded, and sentient, 0:07:24.240 --> 0:07:26.120 just like the rest of us. Beck has had to 0:07:26.200 --> 0:07:28.920 endure a level of cyberbullying and cruelty from the public 0:07:28.960 --> 0:07:32.400 that I cannot even comprehend. Too many mass participants over 0:07:32.400 --> 0:07:34.400 the years have had to endure the same vile and 0:07:34.480 --> 0:07:37.040 often violent online abuse that I am seeing Beck receive. 0:07:37.400 --> 0:07:39.680 The lasting impact this cruelty can have on them is 0:07:39.760 --> 0:07:42.520 utterly fucked. And I read that today and I think 0:07:42.560 --> 0:07:45.440 that sometimes it brings you back down to reality and 0:07:45.480 --> 0:07:48.440 you go, Okay, you know what, Yes, it's a show. 0:07:48.720 --> 0:07:51.280 Yes people make bad decisions. Yes what she did was 0:07:51.280 --> 0:07:55.000 incredibly flawed and incredibly selfish, But does the crime fit 0:07:55.040 --> 0:07:58.080 the punishment? You're doing this cheating on such a huge scale. 0:07:58.080 --> 0:07:59.640 Most people just cheating their day to day and a 0:07:59.640 --> 0:08:01.360 few people hate them, and you're not with their brother. 0:08:05.080 --> 0:08:07.320 This is true, But anyway, it's like a good reality 0:08:07.360 --> 0:08:09.320 check that yes, these things have happened, and yes we 0:08:09.320 --> 0:08:11.640 can all have our opinions on it, but is it 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:13.400 healthy to voice those opinions on social media? 0:08:13.560 --> 0:08:15.720 Probably not. I absolutely agree, And it's the same thing 0:08:15.720 --> 0:08:17.840 with all reality TV shows, The Bachelor. We've all been 0:08:17.880 --> 0:08:19.480 through it, married at first sight, I feel like it's 0:08:19.520 --> 0:08:23.680 probably way worse. But it's never okay to go on 0:08:23.720 --> 0:08:27.679 someone else's page and bully them, give them death threats, 0:08:27.720 --> 0:08:31.800 send them dms. It is completely unacceptable, even if you 0:08:31.880 --> 0:08:33.840 think that in your heart of hearts, that is a 0:08:33.920 --> 0:08:35.800 human on the other end, even if we don't agree 0:08:35.800 --> 0:08:37.680 with what they've done. And I cannot stress this enough, 0:08:38.120 --> 0:08:41.160 don't tag your friends, laughing at in people's faces, don't 0:08:41.400 --> 0:08:43.520 write nasty things to them. For sure, if you want 0:08:43.559 --> 0:08:45.240 to go and have a debrief with your friend, that's okay, 0:08:45.280 --> 0:08:48.319 but it really really does leave a lasting effect. Now, 0:08:48.360 --> 0:08:50.600 having said that, we're not saying that what Beck did 0:08:50.679 --> 0:08:52.840 is okay, and I want to make it clear my 0:08:53.000 --> 0:08:55.720 thoughts and opinions, and that is I'm glad that people 0:08:55.760 --> 0:08:58.120 are out defending Beck as well, but I don't think 0:08:58.160 --> 0:09:00.240 it's okay for a woman to cheat in gas light 0:09:00.880 --> 0:09:02.800 and not a man because she's a woman. I think 0:09:02.840 --> 0:09:05.560 that if we're going to judge someone to one extent, 0:09:05.600 --> 0:09:09.160 that we need to accept that gaslighting is gaslighting. Cheating 0:09:09.200 --> 0:09:11.000 is cheating, whether it comes from a woman or a man, 0:09:11.040 --> 0:09:15.240 and there are obviously circumstances behind that that we have 0:09:15.280 --> 0:09:16.640 to weigh in on, and we do have to know 0:09:16.760 --> 0:09:18.520 and the journey that these guys are going on, I 0:09:18.559 --> 0:09:20.800 can't even imagine the stress. There's a lot that goes 0:09:20.800 --> 0:09:23.000 on behind closed doors that we will never be privy to. 0:09:23.120 --> 0:09:24.880 We just won't know it. Oh yeah, one hundred percent. 0:09:24.920 --> 0:09:26.880 I do think that sometimes we think that, you know, 0:09:27.360 --> 0:09:30.480 gas lighting is a strictly male trait, and it's not. 0:09:30.600 --> 0:09:33.160 And this season has shown us that it does not discriminate. 0:09:33.160 --> 0:09:36.920 Put it that way. Wholes and men are our wholes. 0:09:36.640 --> 0:09:39.120 And we're all a pack of our wholes. Seriously though, 0:09:39.160 --> 0:09:40.600 and I do agree, like I think we can be 0:09:40.960 --> 0:09:43.319 held accountable for those actions, but just to being shown 0:09:43.360 --> 0:09:46.360 on TV and the whole of Australia watching is more 0:09:46.400 --> 0:09:48.760 than enough of an accountability. The last thing the book 0:09:48.880 --> 0:09:50.280 goes on to say, which I thought was just a 0:09:50.320 --> 0:09:52.719 really awesome way. I just haven't heard someone put it 0:09:52.760 --> 0:09:54.920 in such perfect wording. I'm going to read this out. 0:09:55.000 --> 0:09:56.720 It is, if you are trying to make a point 0:09:56.720 --> 0:10:00.160 about morality and core values by posting cruel shit, take 0:10:00.200 --> 0:10:02.240 a moment to reflect on where your own morals and 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:04.600 core values lie. I thought that that was like a 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:08.640 really perfect way to sum this up. However, yes, Mass 0:10:08.720 --> 0:10:10.960 is dumps to fire. We all enjoy it, but this 0:10:11.080 --> 0:10:14.000 year it's really shown us a lot of toxic behavior. 0:10:14.080 --> 0:10:16.280 And we have had so many conversations off the back 0:10:16.320 --> 0:10:20.560 of Mass because of the conversations that flow from what 0:10:20.760 --> 0:10:24.600 isn't isn't acceptable in a relationship. And actually, today's podcast episode, 0:10:24.640 --> 0:10:27.240 we're gonna be talking about something which we touch on 0:10:27.240 --> 0:10:30.240 on pretty much all episodes. We talk about boundaries. We 0:10:30.280 --> 0:10:33.200 talk about self worth, we talk about knowing your value 0:10:33.520 --> 0:10:35.560 and standing up for yourself and all this sort of 0:10:35.559 --> 0:10:38.600 who are but we've never actually kind of unpacked what 0:10:38.640 --> 0:10:41.400 does it mean to set boundaries? How does one set boundaries? 0:10:41.400 --> 0:10:43.480 Because it's all fine to say it, but if you're 0:10:43.559 --> 0:10:47.160 somebody who struggles setting boundaries in your life, it's like, yes, great, 0:10:47.320 --> 0:10:49.120 you all keep talking about it, but how the fuck 0:10:49.120 --> 0:10:51.560 do you actually do this? And if you're someone who's 0:10:51.559 --> 0:10:54.640 struggling with your self worth, saying, well, in order to 0:10:54.679 --> 0:10:56.880 feel valued, in order to have boundaries, you need to 0:10:56.880 --> 0:10:59.440 work on your self worth. It's kind of redundant as 0:10:59.480 --> 0:11:01.440 well to have the tools, and it's a bit of 0:11:01.440 --> 0:11:03.880 a mental checklist that we're gonna do, like a health check. 0:11:03.960 --> 0:11:06.640 Think of it like that, on whether or not you 0:11:06.760 --> 0:11:09.280 have good self worth and whether or not you value 0:11:09.320 --> 0:11:11.640 yourself and what you bring to a relationship, and not 0:11:11.920 --> 0:11:15.280 just your romantic relationships, but your relationships with your friends, 0:11:15.280 --> 0:11:18.760 your relationships at work, how you interact with people, how 0:11:18.800 --> 0:11:21.240 you can set boundaries, and how you can increase your 0:11:21.280 --> 0:11:26.200 self worth. That is what we're talking about today. However, 0:11:26.240 --> 0:11:27.680 there's a few things we want to talk about. 0:11:27.720 --> 0:11:32.840 First. I'm coming in hot with some goss. Now, Colton Underwood. 0:11:33.120 --> 0:11:35.480 You may or may not know that name. Colton Underwood 0:11:35.800 --> 0:11:37.880 was I actually remember I was obsessed with him. He 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:40.520 was so hot. He was a US bachelor a couple 0:11:40.559 --> 0:11:42.440 of years back. Now, to give you a wrap up 0:11:42.480 --> 0:11:45.200 of who he is, he was on season fourteen of 0:11:45.280 --> 0:11:47.720 The Bachelorette in the US, and that's where we sort 0:11:47.720 --> 0:11:50.400 of first met Colton. He was this rugby player. He 0:11:50.480 --> 0:11:52.680 was a virgin, which is why he sort of stood 0:11:52.679 --> 0:11:54.960 out from everyone else, and he was just so hot. 0:11:55.000 --> 0:11:56.840 He was like this all American guy, because I love 0:11:56.880 --> 0:11:58.480 an all American and very Christian. 0:11:58.559 --> 0:12:03.600 So you were like, this guy's so hot and so virgin, Like, ah, 0:12:03.640 --> 0:12:06.080 he's saving himself a marriage makes sense? 0:12:06.160 --> 0:12:08.640 Well, then he went on to start in Bachelor in Paradise. 0:12:08.640 --> 0:12:10.280 I saw America fell in love with him even more, 0:12:10.280 --> 0:12:12.200 and I mean in Australia did too because I loved him. 0:12:12.559 --> 0:12:15.000 Then he went on to be the Bachelor of Season 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:18.440 twenty three, so he was the be all in indul 0:12:18.600 --> 0:12:20.560 and he ended up falling in love with this girl 0:12:20.679 --> 0:12:23.839 named Cassie Randolph. They had this tumultuous on off relationship 0:12:23.840 --> 0:12:25.640 on The Bachelor, but it was very obvious that he 0:12:25.760 --> 0:12:27.880 was adamant, he was chasing her and he wanted to 0:12:27.920 --> 0:12:30.320 be with her. Then they had this beautiful love story 0:12:30.360 --> 0:12:32.160 that only went on for a little while. They broke up, 0:12:32.200 --> 0:12:34.120 and no one really knew why they broke up. It 0:12:34.160 --> 0:12:36.320 all seemed very g rated to the outside world. 0:12:36.360 --> 0:12:38.240 After they broke up, everyone was like, wow, that's a 0:12:38.240 --> 0:12:41.880 really respectful, kind and amicable breakup. So strange that they 0:12:41.920 --> 0:12:42.920 couldn't make it work. 0:12:43.240 --> 0:12:45.880 And then a couple of days ago on Good Morning America, 0:12:46.000 --> 0:12:48.960 Colton went on and came out as gay. 0:12:49.760 --> 0:12:51.839 I've ran for myself for a long time. I've hated 0:12:51.840 --> 0:12:58.120 myself for a long time, and I'm gay and I 0:12:58.160 --> 0:13:00.720 came to terms with that earlier this year. Have been 0:13:00.760 --> 0:13:05.640 prices seeing it, and the next step in all of 0:13:05.679 --> 0:13:09.880 this was sort of letting people know i'mlike the happiest 0:13:09.880 --> 0:13:13.040 and healthiest I've ever been in my life, and that 0:13:13.200 --> 0:13:14.240 means the world to me. 0:13:14.880 --> 0:13:18.000 So this has sort of left America stunned. And the 0:13:18.040 --> 0:13:20.520 reason we wanted to talk about this was how long 0:13:20.559 --> 0:13:22.520 has he known this? How long has been battling this? 0:13:22.600 --> 0:13:24.360 Everyone wanted to know if he knew when he went 0:13:24.400 --> 0:13:27.240 on the Bachelorette originally and Bachelor in Paradise and the 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:30.520 ensuing the Bachelor. Was that fair that he did that 0:13:30.559 --> 0:13:32.320 when he knew? Was he trying to work it out? 0:13:32.760 --> 0:13:35.120 But the interesting thing about this and why we want 0:13:35.160 --> 0:13:38.720 to bring it up is, firstly, America is really really 0:13:39.320 --> 0:13:42.240 on his side and praising him for coming out and 0:13:42.280 --> 0:13:43.920 working out who he is and going through that, and 0:13:44.920 --> 0:13:46.960 I think so a we and so everyone should. It's 0:13:46.960 --> 0:13:48.880 really hard to work out your sexuality and who you 0:13:48.920 --> 0:13:51.600 are and what you want. He was obviously battling this 0:13:52.240 --> 0:13:55.080 incredibly with his religious beliefs and coming from a really 0:13:55.120 --> 0:13:58.880 religious family. He did come out and say he did 0:13:58.920 --> 0:14:01.320 not want to be gay, so he thought he was 0:14:01.400 --> 0:14:05.200 fighting that. I read something that he had said which was. 0:14:06.040 --> 0:14:08.360 Someone said to him, why did you go on and 0:14:08.360 --> 0:14:10.920 be the Bachelor if you felt that you could be gay? 0:14:11.440 --> 0:14:15.240 And he said, because I didn't know I was gay 0:14:15.240 --> 0:14:17.480 and I had asked God to direct me. I said, 0:14:17.480 --> 0:14:18.760 I didn't want to be gay. I asked God to 0:14:18.800 --> 0:14:23.040 direct me. Then he was offered the bachelor position. He 0:14:23.280 --> 0:14:26.200 said he honestly thanked God for saying, thank you for 0:14:26.240 --> 0:14:28.200 showing me I'm not gay, and this opportunity is for 0:14:28.280 --> 0:14:31.760 me to meet my female partner. So I can't imagine. 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:33.360 You know, I've had friends that have battled this in 0:14:33.400 --> 0:14:35.080 the past, and I can't imagine what it feels like 0:14:35.600 --> 0:14:37.200 to be trying to fight who you. 0:14:37.160 --> 0:14:40.000 Are and then also to try and navigate your sexuality 0:14:40.040 --> 0:14:42.160 in a very public forum. We all know that people 0:14:42.160 --> 0:14:44.400 who come off The Bachelor here have notoriety, but in 0:14:44.400 --> 0:14:47.120 the States it's tenfold, Like the series is humongous over 0:14:47.120 --> 0:14:49.760 there and there's millions of eys and millions of people watching. 0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:53.160 There has been conversation about a Netflix series being made 0:14:53.240 --> 0:14:56.280 around Colton Underwood coming out as gay and his self 0:14:56.400 --> 0:15:00.040 exploration his discovery, like how he navigates this part of 0:15:00.240 --> 0:15:03.120 life and what led him to want to talk about 0:15:03.160 --> 0:15:06.120 it openly to cover sort of how he's now living authentically. 0:15:06.560 --> 0:15:08.280 The thing though that is been. 0:15:08.160 --> 0:15:10.640 A little bit problematic around this, and something that's been 0:15:10.760 --> 0:15:14.960 hugely swept under the carpet is that the breakup between 0:15:14.960 --> 0:15:18.360 Cassie Randolph and Colton was not all peaches and roses 0:15:18.480 --> 0:15:20.280 as what we were led to believe. And there were 0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:22.360 articles that came out and statements that came out at 0:15:22.360 --> 0:15:25.560 the end of last year, which was that Colton had 0:15:25.600 --> 0:15:31.400 actually obsessively harassed, stalked, and put a GPS tracker on 0:15:31.480 --> 0:15:34.360 Cassie Randolph's car. So he had also treated her with 0:15:34.400 --> 0:15:38.920 some very frightening, controlling and obsessive behavior, which is also illegal. 0:15:39.000 --> 0:15:41.520 She took out a restraining order against him, and they 0:15:41.520 --> 0:15:44.000 had settled outside of court on all of this. A 0:15:44.000 --> 0:15:46.320 lot of this conversation has been swept under the carpet, 0:15:46.320 --> 0:15:48.800 but there is a petition that started because they're wanting 0:15:48.880 --> 0:15:52.880 to boycott the Netflix series because there is a huge 0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:55.560 group of people who don't think that somebody who has 0:15:55.680 --> 0:15:58.920 been guilty of these offenses towards a woman should be 0:15:59.000 --> 0:16:01.680 given a platform, matter even if it meant that he 0:16:01.720 --> 0:16:04.000 then had to find out his sexuality as a byproduct 0:16:04.080 --> 0:16:06.800 of that. But people shouldn't be hurt in the process. 0:16:06.840 --> 0:16:07.360 That's the thing. 0:16:07.400 --> 0:16:09.920 I think that the question here is like, just because 0:16:09.960 --> 0:16:14.360 he was discovering his sexuality doesn't give a right to stalk, harass, 0:16:14.480 --> 0:16:16.120 and treat a woman in that way. We can't just 0:16:16.280 --> 0:16:19.080 sweep the bad things under the carpet because we're like, oh, great, 0:16:19.080 --> 0:16:20.600 you now know who you are as a person. 0:16:20.880 --> 0:16:23.800 No, And it's pretty obvious that everybody under the sun 0:16:23.880 --> 0:16:26.360 in America wants to get their hands on Colton. They 0:16:26.400 --> 0:16:28.440 want to interview him, they want to make their documentaries 0:16:28.440 --> 0:16:30.480 on him, they want him, want their magazines, they want 0:16:30.480 --> 0:16:33.680 them on their shows. It's almost obvious that he has 0:16:33.720 --> 0:16:35.760 said to them, I will come and interview with you 0:16:35.840 --> 0:16:38.640 if these questions are not asked, if it's not discussed 0:16:38.680 --> 0:16:41.360 about the stalking and the harassment, because it's just literally 0:16:41.520 --> 0:16:43.080 like it didn't happen, which is why we wanted to 0:16:43.200 --> 0:16:45.600 We are so supportive of him coming out. I absolutely 0:16:45.680 --> 0:16:47.480 love that for him, but I think it's really important 0:16:47.520 --> 0:16:49.160 that we don't sweep it under the rug that you know, 0:16:49.200 --> 0:16:51.400 he was stalking and harassing someone that had to take 0:16:51.400 --> 0:16:55.120 out an AVO and he has had one statement. So 0:16:55.160 --> 0:16:57.720 he did address the allegations once, but it was in 0:16:57.760 --> 0:17:00.840 an unaired segment of his Good Morning American, but it 0:17:00.920 --> 0:17:03.640 has made its way out into the world, and he says, 0:17:04.440 --> 0:17:06.840 I made mistakes in the end of that relationship, and 0:17:06.880 --> 0:17:09.360 I ruined the good memories we had by my actions 0:17:09.359 --> 0:17:11.520 and what I did to hold on to me being 0:17:11.640 --> 0:17:14.840 straight because I didn't want to look myself in the mirror. 0:17:15.119 --> 0:17:16.760 For that, I'm extremely sorry. 0:17:16.840 --> 0:17:19.000 Now, No, I hate this statement because I just want 0:17:19.040 --> 0:17:21.679 to way. I feel like that is totally downplaying. You 0:17:21.720 --> 0:17:24.120 can say, yeah, look, I hate that I did things 0:17:24.160 --> 0:17:27.240 because I was struggling. No, there's no onus in that 0:17:27.280 --> 0:17:30.000 statement that says, well, I acknowledged that I stalked, harassed, 0:17:30.240 --> 0:17:32.720 and intimidated a woman and made her feel so frightened 0:17:32.720 --> 0:17:34.879 that she needed to get a restraining order out against 0:17:34.880 --> 0:17:38.680 me because my behavior is completely unacceptable. There's no ownership 0:17:38.760 --> 0:17:40.800 in that statement. And I think that that's the thing 0:17:40.800 --> 0:17:45.159 that's really infuriated some people around this. And I guess 0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:47.640 with coming out as gay and with him doing very 0:17:47.680 --> 0:17:50.560 publicly on Good Morning America, he has been given the 0:17:50.600 --> 0:17:55.160 opportunity to rewrite his narrative and people are really celebrating 0:17:55.240 --> 0:17:57.879 him and heroing him for being so brave to do so, 0:17:58.320 --> 0:18:01.439 but in the process we're forgetting that actually we cannot 0:18:01.480 --> 0:18:04.800 just ignore one thing that's happened, and hurting people doesn't 0:18:04.840 --> 0:18:07.800 have to be a byproduct. And you know what, sometimes 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:10.199 we are going to hurt people whilst we try and 0:18:10.240 --> 0:18:13.359 figure out who we are and work through our own junk. 0:18:13.680 --> 0:18:16.200 But there has to be some acknowledgment of that hurt 0:18:16.240 --> 0:18:18.800 and there has to be real remorse for it. And 0:18:19.200 --> 0:18:20.720 I don't know, I just feel like it hasn't quite 0:18:20.760 --> 0:18:23.080 made amense. But there's something lacking in this conversation for me. 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:26.600 I think that it's all become about how wonderful his 0:18:27.040 --> 0:18:29.879 coming out story is, and there hasn't been enough onus. 0:18:29.960 --> 0:18:32.440 I'm like, okay, but that coming out story has really 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:33.520 damaged somebody else. 0:18:33.600 --> 0:18:36.320 Well. There's a man called Brett Viagara and he's part 0:18:36.359 --> 0:18:39.399 of the Bachelor Diversity campaign. He had a great comment 0:18:39.440 --> 0:18:41.280 that he put out to the public. It was first, 0:18:41.320 --> 0:18:43.399 I'm glad to see Colton more at peace and happy 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:46.080 that he can live more as his true, authentic self. 0:18:46.320 --> 0:18:48.760 I'll always be in support of that, but that does 0:18:48.800 --> 0:18:53.040 not excuse the abusive manipulative and literally illegal stalking behavior 0:18:53.080 --> 0:18:55.639 he displayed in his past relationship, and I think that 0:18:55.640 --> 0:18:57.520 that is votrue and that is really important. People are 0:18:57.520 --> 0:18:59.600 going to support him, But do we support him to 0:18:59.600 --> 0:19:01.840 the level where we give him a whole nother platform. 0:19:01.920 --> 0:19:03.760 I'm not saying we shouldn't. I'm not saying we should. 0:19:03.800 --> 0:19:06.720 I just find it a really interesting conversation and I'm 0:19:06.760 --> 0:19:08.760 actually looking forward to seeing what happens with that and 0:19:08.760 --> 0:19:10.080 where it goes. Yeah, me too. 0:19:10.119 --> 0:19:11.520 I guess the last thing that I want to say 0:19:11.560 --> 0:19:13.520 on this is that I have heard quite and when 0:19:13.560 --> 0:19:15.399 we were doing our research, I did see quite a 0:19:15.400 --> 0:19:18.800 few conversations around this, and there were some conversations going 0:19:18.840 --> 0:19:22.359 back and forth, which was that he absolutely should not 0:19:22.480 --> 0:19:25.640 apologize for the fact that he was figuring out his sexuality. 0:19:25.680 --> 0:19:28.120 And you know, there's been some people posting the question, 0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:31.280 should he apologize to the women who he was dating 0:19:31.280 --> 0:19:33.639 on the show? Should he apologize to his ex fiance 0:19:34.280 --> 0:19:37.760 for leading them on? Basically this was the questioning, And No, 0:19:37.960 --> 0:19:40.520 I don't think that anybody should ever have to apologize 0:19:40.560 --> 0:19:43.320 for their sexuality whatsoever. Like we're all entited to live 0:19:43.359 --> 0:19:46.760 our lives authentically and however long it takes us to 0:19:46.800 --> 0:19:49.960 figure out who we are, that's part of our journey. However, 0:19:51.119 --> 0:19:54.200 if we have casualties along the way because we're figuring 0:19:54.240 --> 0:19:56.919 out our junk and we're taking it out on other people, 0:19:57.240 --> 0:19:59.680 other people are not punching bags to help us figure 0:19:59.680 --> 0:20:02.480 out who who we are. And if that does happen, 0:20:02.520 --> 0:20:05.560 which in this case definitely has, then I think that 0:20:05.680 --> 0:20:08.119 people are owed an apology. And I think, you know, 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:10.440 I'm not saying this because I'm a martyr by any means, 0:20:10.440 --> 0:20:12.920 Like I have hurt people whilst I have gotten through 0:20:13.040 --> 0:20:16.560 my own personal junk, and I think, in reflection, those 0:20:16.600 --> 0:20:17.960 people deserve apologies. 0:20:18.040 --> 0:20:18.199 You know. 0:20:18.320 --> 0:20:20.720 It's not like, well, whilst you're hurt, you can do 0:20:20.760 --> 0:20:22.600 whatever you want to other people so long as you 0:20:22.640 --> 0:20:25.359 get to a point of self enlightenment. No, I think 0:20:25.400 --> 0:20:27.679 we're responsible for the damage that we do to other people. 0:20:27.920 --> 0:20:29.480 Imagine having a big fight with. 0:20:29.600 --> 0:20:31.639 Your partner on the street, right and you're swinging your 0:20:31.720 --> 0:20:34.280 arms around and you're having this big argument and then 0:20:34.320 --> 0:20:36.280 you accidentally hit someone and pass it by in the 0:20:36.280 --> 0:20:39.040 head with your hand swinging around manically. You turn around 0:20:39.040 --> 0:20:41.159 and you say sorry, they were a byproduct or you 0:20:41.280 --> 0:20:43.480 figuring your shit out. This is my example. It's like, 0:20:43.760 --> 0:20:46.359 you're not apologizing because you meant to go out and 0:20:46.440 --> 0:20:50.439 hurt them, but you're apologizing because, regardless of your intentions, 0:20:50.480 --> 0:20:52.520 they did get hurt in you figuring your shit out. 0:20:52.560 --> 0:20:54.879 So totally and on a greater scale. You know, people 0:20:54.920 --> 0:20:58.320 have childhood trauma, people have ex relationships trauma, not just 0:20:58.440 --> 0:21:01.720 relative to sexuality. But we're all figuring our shit out, 0:21:01.800 --> 0:21:04.600 all of us, and on different levels and scales of 0:21:04.640 --> 0:21:08.000 what is and isn't traumatic. We're all getting over something 0:21:08.000 --> 0:21:10.440 in life or have gotten to a point where we're 0:21:10.480 --> 0:21:12.240 over it. But the thing is is like we still 0:21:12.240 --> 0:21:14.240 have to be responsible for the impact that we have 0:21:14.359 --> 0:21:15.080 on other people. 0:21:15.320 --> 0:21:18.200 And I'm the first person, one hundred percent to say 0:21:18.280 --> 0:21:21.800 that people make mistakes, people can rewrite their story. People 0:21:21.840 --> 0:21:23.960 can if they own it and get help for whatever 0:21:23.960 --> 0:21:26.919 they're doing, that we don't have to necessarily hold anything 0:21:26.920 --> 0:21:30.600 against those people. What I would like to see one day, 0:21:30.720 --> 0:21:33.080 if this is contradictory to what we've just said, if 0:21:33.080 --> 0:21:34.679 he can come out and say, you know, like I 0:21:34.760 --> 0:21:37.240 was so sorry, I've got help for that, and anything 0:21:37.240 --> 0:21:39.719 else that goes with that, it would be pretty cool. 0:21:39.920 --> 0:21:43.919 To see a gay bachelor. Totally like to have all 0:21:43.960 --> 0:21:46.160 the men there and whether that's him or that's someone else, 0:21:46.320 --> 0:21:48.320 it doesn't matter. But I think that would be especially 0:21:48.359 --> 0:21:51.680 for America where their platform is like millions and millions 0:21:51.720 --> 0:21:53.640 and millions of people, it would be amazing to see 0:21:53.680 --> 0:21:54.240 a gay bachelor. 0:21:54.320 --> 0:21:56.680 The issue with a gay bachelor is how logistically would 0:21:56.680 --> 0:21:58.000 it work? Because if you had a whole heap of 0:21:58.040 --> 0:21:59.280 hot guys and a house. 0:22:00.480 --> 0:22:02.359 But that is but that's the problem, and that's what 0:22:02.359 --> 0:22:04.399 they've openly said before. They're like, it'll be like no 0:22:04.440 --> 0:22:08.240 one wants is that little just pair off in the house. 0:22:08.320 --> 0:22:10.280 But it'd be fun to watch just on from that. 0:22:10.359 --> 0:22:13.080 In regards to the Netflix series, I think we can 0:22:13.160 --> 0:22:15.640 kind of sometimes be very quick to shut something down 0:22:15.720 --> 0:22:19.240 before it's been fully fleshed out or realized. If they 0:22:19.240 --> 0:22:22.000 were to do a Netflix series on Colton's coming out, 0:22:22.400 --> 0:22:26.719 I would hope that that Netflix series encompassed and really 0:22:26.760 --> 0:22:28.360 addressed what happened there. 0:22:28.400 --> 0:22:29.720 I really hope that it isn't. 0:22:29.560 --> 0:22:33.160 Just glorifying or showing how empowered it is for him 0:22:33.160 --> 0:22:35.480 that he's acknowledging who he is as a person, but 0:22:35.600 --> 0:22:38.800 it is also really delving into the dark times and 0:22:38.840 --> 0:22:41.720 what that implication and what that caused. And it does 0:22:41.760 --> 0:22:44.040 cover the fact that he's stalked and harassed, and I 0:22:44.080 --> 0:22:47.240 hope that it covers everything in its completeness and those 0:22:47.280 --> 0:22:50.400 things aren't swept under the carpet because we're so wanting 0:22:50.480 --> 0:22:53.120 to see this empowered coming out story. 0:22:53.280 --> 0:22:55.399 So at Netflix, if you're listening, if you're going to 0:22:55.480 --> 0:22:58.040 do it, do all of it, do it properly. Show 0:22:58.280 --> 0:23:00.720 the good and the bad and the pretty ugly, the 0:23:00.800 --> 0:23:03.240 celebration and the whole journey it took to get there, 0:23:03.240 --> 0:23:05.280 Like put it out in the open that he did 0:23:05.280 --> 0:23:07.119 go through this period, but he has gotten help and 0:23:07.119 --> 0:23:08.760 he's come out on the other side a better person. 0:23:09.440 --> 0:23:12.399 Without all the complexities being discussed, it's problematic, and I 0:23:12.400 --> 0:23:14.760 think that's why people will boycott it. So interesting to. 0:23:14.720 --> 0:23:16.680 See that one Well, I think that is enough from 0:23:16.760 --> 0:23:19.280 us before we get into our favorite part of the episode, 0:23:19.320 --> 0:23:24.280 and that is accidentally unfiltered. Now accidentally unfiltered for anybody 0:23:24.280 --> 0:23:26.720 who is new, is where you guys send in your 0:23:26.760 --> 0:23:29.800 most embarrassing stories and we read them out and we 0:23:29.840 --> 0:23:32.280 all laugh together at you and at your expense, but 0:23:32.359 --> 0:23:34.680 together as a community because we all build each other 0:23:34.760 --> 0:23:35.840 up here at Life I'm Cut. 0:23:37.040 --> 0:23:39.479 I'm gonna start with one of just this little thing 0:23:39.480 --> 0:23:42.360 that happened to me this week. If you're like an 0:23:42.400 --> 0:23:44.560 avid listener of Life I'm Cut, you'll know that this 0:23:44.640 --> 0:23:47.159 happens to me all the time. And you think that 0:23:47.200 --> 0:23:50.400 I would learn from my mistakes, but I don't. I 0:23:50.480 --> 0:23:53.320 often tell you guys about my typos that I do 0:23:53.359 --> 0:23:56.359 when I'm sending out emails to clients or business emails 0:23:56.440 --> 0:23:58.680 or whatever, because I've got I have two laptops. Quite 0:23:58.720 --> 0:24:00.639 often I'm doing two things at once. I've got a 0:24:00.680 --> 0:24:02.720 thousand things in my brain. I type two quickly and 0:24:02.760 --> 0:24:04.119 I don't go back and read it, and I just 0:24:04.200 --> 0:24:06.240 send it. So you all know that I did the 0:24:06.760 --> 0:24:08.840 email a few weeks ago where I went to say 0:24:09.040 --> 0:24:13.120 hello Sian, and I said hello Asian. Her name is Shan, Yeah, 0:24:13.160 --> 0:24:14.399 no bit I A. 0:24:14.960 --> 0:24:17.959 It's I who we work with, and her name is 0:24:18.000 --> 0:24:19.280 Shan Yeah, hey Shanna. 0:24:19.320 --> 0:24:21.639 Know you're listening. It's Irish, but I just say it 0:24:21.760 --> 0:24:25.679 in my head. I read it phonetically, s I A N. 0:24:26.359 --> 0:24:29.399 But anyway, I wanted to just pretend that never happened 0:24:29.400 --> 0:24:31.119 and fall into a hole in the ground. But I 0:24:31.200 --> 0:24:33.679 have done it again, but at least this one was 0:24:33.720 --> 0:24:36.159 more on me. So yesterday I was writing an email 0:24:37.240 --> 0:24:39.159 and my fingers must have been moving too quickly. And 0:24:39.200 --> 0:24:41.720 I always sign off as Britt bri double t. I 0:24:41.760 --> 0:24:44.040 never write Brittany because it's just easier to say Britt 0:24:44.080 --> 0:24:46.560 with a kiss. My fingers must have got a little 0:24:46.560 --> 0:24:50.000 bit excited. I went to write Bri, I dold team 0:24:50.040 --> 0:24:52.960 press end and I went br Enter, but as signed 0:24:53.000 --> 0:24:57.520 off as britt tit like it went bri t t 0:24:57.680 --> 0:24:59.840 I t like. I added an extra and it put 0:24:59.840 --> 0:25:03.520 a when almost brick tit. I was like, what, I 0:25:03.840 --> 0:25:05.200 don't know how I can do this. 0:25:05.240 --> 0:25:08.040 I don't mind regards brit tit, brit tit, have a 0:25:08.080 --> 0:25:09.160 great day with your tits. 0:25:09.200 --> 0:25:10.960 She's gonna think that that's like my nickname. She's the 0:25:10.960 --> 0:25:12.400 next time she gonna write back, she's like, hey, brit 0:25:12.440 --> 0:25:15.880 tit ry brittit. Actually we received. 0:25:15.560 --> 0:25:17.879 Another message just before and I wasn't gonna say this 0:25:18.000 --> 0:25:20.640 as an accidentally unfiltered because it was too brief. So 0:25:20.680 --> 0:25:23.320 somebody had written in with an accidentally unfiltered story, which 0:25:23.320 --> 0:25:26.560 is actually it's a very dark comedy. It's just bordering 0:25:26.680 --> 0:25:29.000 funny but not funny. At the same time, someone had 0:25:29.040 --> 0:25:32.280 passed away and she had replied to this text message. 0:25:32.320 --> 0:25:34.280 So she'd received a message saying, Hey, I'm just letting 0:25:34.320 --> 0:25:36.800 you know this person has passed away, and she went 0:25:36.840 --> 0:25:39.520 to write back, oh god, and all she wrote back 0:25:39.600 --> 0:25:41.919 was oh good and that's and then left it. 0:25:43.600 --> 0:25:46.359 Far. It's like, it's we're laughing. It's not actually funny, 0:25:46.359 --> 0:25:49.120 but it's the most it is the most unfortunate auto 0:25:49.160 --> 0:25:50.880 correct you could have like that situation. 0:25:51.000 --> 0:25:52.960 Do you know what another really unfortunate one is? My 0:25:53.040 --> 0:25:55.520 mum used to think that LOL stood for lots of love, 0:25:55.640 --> 0:25:58.679 and she actually wrote loll at the bottom of somebody's 0:25:58.760 --> 0:26:02.080 really rememorative folko that they had posted, being like, it's 0:26:02.080 --> 0:26:04.040 been a year since blah blah blah passed away, and 0:26:04.080 --> 0:26:04.920 my mum wrote lol. 0:26:05.040 --> 0:26:07.160 I think, why mom, have you sidik? What the fuck 0:26:08.280 --> 0:26:10.240 that makes sense? No, it truly doesn't. 0:26:10.240 --> 0:26:12.840 Anyway, let's get into these accidentally unfiltereds Okay, I'm gonna 0:26:12.840 --> 0:26:15.680 go first, and I have a real goody And it 0:26:15.760 --> 0:26:18.000 never ever gets old that as soon as these embarrassing 0:26:18.040 --> 0:26:19.680 things happen to you, guys, you want to send them 0:26:19.680 --> 0:26:22.000 to us like straight away, I live for it. Okay, 0:26:22.440 --> 0:26:24.280 last night I stayed at my friend's house and she 0:26:24.359 --> 0:26:27.760 lives in an apartment. I was so fucking drunk that 0:26:27.840 --> 0:26:31.159 I slept on her couch absolutely starkers, and at some 0:26:31.280 --> 0:26:33.720 point throughout my sleep I decided I needed to get 0:26:33.800 --> 0:26:36.719 up and go to the toilet. Well, let me tell you, 0:26:36.800 --> 0:26:39.480 it all went wrong from here, so I must have 0:26:39.560 --> 0:26:42.000 slept walk to what I thought was the bathroom. But 0:26:42.119 --> 0:26:45.240 to my surprise, I walked out her front door into 0:26:45.280 --> 0:26:47.679 the apartment hallway and was suddenly woken up by the 0:26:47.720 --> 0:26:50.600 slam of her front door. I then realized in that moment, 0:26:50.640 --> 0:26:53.280 I had locked myself out of her apartment butt fucking 0:26:53.359 --> 0:26:56.080 naked and was unable to get back in. I knocked, 0:26:56.240 --> 0:26:58.879 and I knocked, and she couldn't hear me. I needed 0:26:58.880 --> 0:27:01.960 to go to the toilet so bad that I ended 0:27:02.000 --> 0:27:04.479 up going into the bin shoot room and popping a squat. 0:27:05.080 --> 0:27:07.320 Now this isn't the rest of the story. Something to 0:27:07.320 --> 0:27:08.720 fall down the tin shoot. 0:27:09.240 --> 0:27:10.679 Someone tried to walk in the door to put their 0:27:10.760 --> 0:27:12.680 rubbish in the bin, and I had to stop them 0:27:12.680 --> 0:27:14.479 from seeing what they were about to see. I had 0:27:14.520 --> 0:27:17.840 to scream no, don't come in. I'm about naked and 0:27:17.880 --> 0:27:20.440 I'm locked out of my apartment. This guy was so 0:27:20.520 --> 0:27:23.160 confused and he walked away. I then moments later see 0:27:23.160 --> 0:27:25.119 a hand come through the door and he has gotten 0:27:25.160 --> 0:27:27.200 his partner to get me a towel to cover up, 0:27:27.240 --> 0:27:29.280 and then ring the intercom to my friend's apartment to 0:27:29.320 --> 0:27:32.919 wake her. She wakes up and herself. 0:27:32.520 --> 0:27:35.919 Comes to the door, but fucking naked. She was just 0:27:38.760 --> 0:27:40.879 I ran into the apartment. I was so embarrassed. 0:27:41.040 --> 0:27:43.119 I went back just then with some spray and wipe 0:27:43.119 --> 0:27:45.200 to clean up my urine out of the bin shoot room. 0:27:45.680 --> 0:27:51.679 And then like four hours later she messages again and 0:27:51.720 --> 0:27:54.080 she goes update. I made contact with the neighbors and 0:27:54.119 --> 0:27:56.200 they thought I was a junkie trying to rob the place. 0:27:57.600 --> 0:28:01.560 Oh God, so bad. Last week's episode, we spoke about 0:28:01.680 --> 0:28:04.880 Laura's old dating story where the guy she was seeing 0:28:04.920 --> 0:28:07.679 basically locked himself out naked sleepwalking and ended up in 0:28:07.680 --> 0:28:09.480 an office somewhere. But we asked you guys to send 0:28:09.520 --> 0:28:12.320 us your sleepwalking stories in and I can't believe A 0:28:12.480 --> 0:28:15.000 how many of your sleepwalk and b how many like horrific, 0:28:15.160 --> 0:28:17.439 hilarious things have happened to your sleepwalking, so we're going 0:28:17.480 --> 0:28:19.680 to collate them and put them in another episode. 0:28:19.760 --> 0:28:21.600 This last week, I think we have received some of 0:28:21.640 --> 0:28:24.080 the best accidentally unfiltered stories that we have ever got, 0:28:24.160 --> 0:28:27.320 So we keep teasing a bonus episode. But it is coming. 0:28:27.440 --> 0:28:31.040 I promise we're. 0:28:30.880 --> 0:28:32.760 Because then every week we're like, we don't have time. 0:28:32.880 --> 0:28:36.080 Just stop over committing. No, it is coming. 0:28:36.119 --> 0:28:38.320 I'm putting it here, I'm putting it down. I'm not 0:28:38.400 --> 0:28:39.920 gonna say in print, what do we say, I'm putting 0:28:39.960 --> 0:28:42.360 it down in the record. So we have to stay 0:28:42.360 --> 0:28:45.000 committed to this. It is coming. All right, it's time 0:28:45.040 --> 0:28:46.600 for your accidently unfiltered. 0:28:46.160 --> 0:28:48.520 You just remember that and when it doesn't come. It 0:28:48.560 --> 0:28:51.880 was Laura and on me. I have one today that's 0:28:51.920 --> 0:28:55.959 concerning for me. I'm reading it out because I'm not 0:28:56.120 --> 0:28:57.640 I think it's that funny, but I think it's a 0:28:57.640 --> 0:29:00.600 fucked up I'm so fucked up, and I think it's 0:29:00.600 --> 0:29:04.160 a really good intro to our chat today about boundaries. 0:29:05.200 --> 0:29:08.000 Here we go. I haven't accidentally unfiltered story from my 0:29:08.040 --> 0:29:10.800 first ever proper boyfriend about thirteen years ago, and it 0:29:10.880 --> 0:29:13.920 still haunts me to this day, not just because of 0:29:13.960 --> 0:29:17.320 what happened, but also because somehow I stayed with him 0:29:17.440 --> 0:29:21.400 for another year after this event, which also surprises a 0:29:21.400 --> 0:29:23.680 lot of people when I tell them. We're in the 0:29:23.680 --> 0:29:26.720 shower together one morning, just innocently, and I had my 0:29:26.800 --> 0:29:28.760 back to him as I was lathering myself up with 0:29:28.800 --> 0:29:31.480 the SuDS. I turned around and he was facing me, 0:29:31.520 --> 0:29:34.360 and I saw that he had this really weird, concentrated 0:29:34.400 --> 0:29:36.680 look on his face, and then he had one hand 0:29:36.680 --> 0:29:40.600 behind his back. I said, Ah, what have you got there, kiddo. 0:29:41.240 --> 0:29:44.080 He then brought his arm around from behind his back, 0:29:44.640 --> 0:29:49.320 put out his hand, and proudly presented to me a big, 0:29:49.440 --> 0:29:54.720 fuck off massive log of shit. He had a lot 0:29:54.840 --> 0:29:56.840 of shit, Like, can we just think about this for 0:29:56.880 --> 0:29:59.680 a moment? He had legit stood there and pushed one 0:29:59.680 --> 0:30:01.960 out in his hand while standing up in the shower 0:30:02.000 --> 0:30:03.680 with me, like it was no biggie, and then he 0:30:03.720 --> 0:30:05.360 tried to hand it to me like some sort of 0:30:05.400 --> 0:30:09.040 surprise gift. I'm so wrong, so like it's wrong on 0:30:09.120 --> 0:30:11.680 every level. I screamed and ran out of the shower, naked, 0:30:11.760 --> 0:30:13.800 almost sleeping and breaking my neck along the way. I 0:30:13.880 --> 0:30:15.560 ran into the bedroom and closed the door while I 0:30:15.640 --> 0:30:18.320 tried to process what had just happened. I could hear 0:30:18.400 --> 0:30:20.800 him singing and whistling in the shower as he finished, 0:30:20.840 --> 0:30:23.400 like nothing had happened. Once he got out and came 0:30:23.440 --> 0:30:25.760 into the bedroom, all I could say was what did 0:30:25.760 --> 0:30:28.080 you do with it? And he simply replied, Oh, I 0:30:28.120 --> 0:30:30.040 just stepped it down the drain with my big tope. 0:30:32.080 --> 0:30:35.280 I am sorry. This is the most discussing thing I 0:30:35.280 --> 0:30:37.920 have read in a long time. If someone did a 0:30:37.960 --> 0:30:41.640 log of pool in the hand, not even standing up straight, 0:30:41.680 --> 0:30:46.120 he was erepped it. It was vertical and then caught it. Hey, 0:30:46.400 --> 0:30:48.160 what are you eating that your pool is so long 0:30:48.200 --> 0:30:50.960 and hard that you can snap it off? Yeah? Mine, 0:30:51.000 --> 0:30:53.480 don't do that. That's a really good fiber gut right bare. 0:30:53.600 --> 0:30:55.200 And what part of him thought it was okay to 0:30:55.360 --> 0:30:58.160 hand it to her like, you know, member of South Park, 0:30:58.240 --> 0:31:02.280 mister Stinky the poop the Christmas poo. So this is 0:31:02.280 --> 0:31:03.960 a really prime example for me, and I think I 0:31:03.960 --> 0:31:07.160 think it was mister Hanky. I think so the Christmas 0:31:07.160 --> 0:31:09.440 poo is hanged to Hanky the Christmas poop. Anyway, I 0:31:09.480 --> 0:31:11.760 think he is a better n We don't need to 0:31:11.800 --> 0:31:13.200 unpack this for you guys, but I feel like this 0:31:13.360 --> 0:31:16.520 is a really good segue into boundaries, because I mean, 0:31:16.560 --> 0:31:18.280 one of my main boundaries. I've got a few, but 0:31:18.360 --> 0:31:19.960 one of mine is don't shoot in the shower in 0:31:19.960 --> 0:31:22.440 your handing handed to me. 0:31:22.960 --> 0:31:24.840 I think it's important to talk about how boundaries can 0:31:24.880 --> 0:31:26.960 be fluid, but then you can also have firm boundaries. 0:31:26.960 --> 0:31:29.280 And I would say that that's probably a very firm boundary. 0:31:30.000 --> 0:31:33.280 It's a pick offense that one. I reckon that everybody, 0:31:33.440 --> 0:31:36.000 not nobody has shatt in the shower with a significant other. 0:31:36.040 --> 0:31:37.880 But I reckon everybody has shatt in the shower at 0:31:37.920 --> 0:31:40.760 least once in their life, which is how you discover 0:31:41.880 --> 0:31:44.520 you don't not, Laura, Yes they have. 0:31:44.800 --> 0:31:48.240 Not everyone has. Okay, there is something really wrong with 0:31:48.280 --> 0:31:50.440 you right now. Not everyone. I have never hand on 0:31:50.520 --> 0:31:53.800 heart scouts, Honor have I shot in the shower. You're 0:31:53.840 --> 0:31:56.120 a better person than me and Brittany. Okay, But I 0:31:56.160 --> 0:31:57.280 was a kid. I was a little kid. 0:31:57.320 --> 0:31:59.040 I would have been like seven, and I was like, 0:31:59.080 --> 0:32:01.000 I need to do a poo and I vividly remember 0:32:01.120 --> 0:32:02.800 doing a pool in the shower and then being like, 0:32:03.040 --> 0:32:04.800 holy shit, doesn't just flush down the drain. 0:32:05.000 --> 0:32:06.320 You're gonna stomp that thing down. 0:32:06.600 --> 0:32:09.520 And I have never done it since I was a kid. 0:32:09.640 --> 0:32:11.960 I feel like all kids figure this out the hard way. 0:32:12.040 --> 0:32:12.720 That's how you learn. 0:32:12.880 --> 0:32:15.560 I expose yourself to new experiences, Brittany. My mum said, 0:32:15.600 --> 0:32:17.200 you should the toilet, not in the shower, Brittany, And 0:32:17.200 --> 0:32:17.960 that's how I learned. 0:32:18.560 --> 0:32:21.560 I remember I would have been about seven, maybe six, 0:32:21.600 --> 0:32:23.920 and I did a pool in the shower and then 0:32:23.920 --> 0:32:26.120 I stumped it down, and I was so scared that 0:32:26.200 --> 0:32:27.720 my mum would know that I did a pool in 0:32:27.720 --> 0:32:28.200 the shower. 0:32:28.320 --> 0:32:30.600 The only time that I would do a poo in 0:32:30.680 --> 0:32:34.040 the shower is literally if I was on my deathbed 0:32:34.080 --> 0:32:36.040 with gashtro and you know, when you're vomiting and pooing 0:32:36.040 --> 0:32:37.400 at the same time, you need to sit in the shower. 0:32:37.480 --> 0:32:39.280 That would be it. I would never be like, I 0:32:39.280 --> 0:32:41.320 can't be bothered to walk the two steps to the toilet, 0:32:41.360 --> 0:32:42.040 so I'll do it here. 0:32:42.280 --> 0:32:44.640 Well, so I was little and in the house growing up, 0:32:44.840 --> 0:32:47.440 the shower wasn't in the same room as the toilet, 0:32:47.480 --> 0:32:49.320 so it wasn't two steps, it was the entire length 0:32:49.320 --> 0:32:51.160 of the house. I would have to have gotten off towel, dried, 0:32:51.280 --> 0:32:53.160 gone to the toilet, and then gone back in the shower. 0:32:53.160 --> 0:32:56.240 So I was like, let's just see what happens anyway. 0:32:56.400 --> 0:32:58.520 Maybe we'll put up a pole. Maybe more people have putted. 0:32:59.080 --> 0:33:00.800 If I don't, they're sick. 0:33:00.960 --> 0:33:04.000 They don't do it like they hand down though, that'll 0:33:04.040 --> 0:33:06.200 definitely end up in downly mail Laura, shit's in the shower. 0:33:06.320 --> 0:33:08.040 Then I won't say where or how I know. I 0:33:08.160 --> 0:33:11.520 just feel like last week fuckers. Okay, let's get into 0:33:11.560 --> 0:33:13.320 the episode. 0:33:13.480 --> 0:33:16.560 All right, guys. With the recent airing of the absolute 0:33:16.600 --> 0:33:20.000 toxic dumpster fire that was Maths, and something happened on 0:33:20.120 --> 0:33:23.720 last night's episode that really solidified why I wanted to 0:33:23.760 --> 0:33:26.360 do this conversation, why we're making out with the brother 0:33:27.080 --> 0:33:29.720 was not the ancestuous affair, Why we wanted to talk 0:33:29.760 --> 0:33:32.600 about setting boundaries, how to do that, and how to 0:33:32.720 --> 0:33:36.200 really increase your self worth. So what happened last night 0:33:36.640 --> 0:33:39.680 on Maths if you guys didn't see it, Basically, there 0:33:39.680 --> 0:33:44.719 has been this ongoing rumor that Bryce has a secret girlfriend. 0:33:44.960 --> 0:33:48.360 Dn't and she wasn't a secret for sure did yes? 0:33:48.440 --> 0:33:51.280 And lo and behold, Melissa has stood up for him 0:33:51.320 --> 0:33:53.960 time and time again. She has denied any of the 0:33:54.000 --> 0:33:57.080 red flags that people have been telling her. She has 0:33:57.440 --> 0:34:01.080 absolutely refused to believe when the other Testines have said, look, 0:34:01.120 --> 0:34:03.680 someone from the outside world has contacted me. And on 0:34:03.760 --> 0:34:08.160 last night's episode, they had video footage of Bryce's friends 0:34:08.239 --> 0:34:10.479 after what you would call, I guess their hometown visit, 0:34:10.880 --> 0:34:14.120 discussing the secret girlfriend and confirming that it was true. 0:34:14.400 --> 0:34:17.240 And they showed this footage to Melissa, and Melissa still 0:34:17.280 --> 0:34:20.040 sat there, even though she saw it, even though she 0:34:20.120 --> 0:34:22.400 had the proof that she's always said that she wanted, 0:34:22.520 --> 0:34:25.680 she still said, I'm not leaving. I love this man, 0:34:25.719 --> 0:34:28.560 and I'm going to stay. And then Booker said something. 0:34:28.800 --> 0:34:31.480 And the conversation that followed is the part that really 0:34:31.520 --> 0:34:33.480 struck me as something that I was like, we need 0:34:33.520 --> 0:34:37.320 to talk about this. So Booker said, I have received 0:34:37.360 --> 0:34:40.239 phone calls from people on the outside world and that 0:34:40.280 --> 0:34:43.080 Bryce has a girlfriend. I have told you Liam has 0:34:43.120 --> 0:34:45.640 received phone calls from people in the outside world. Liam 0:34:45.680 --> 0:34:48.840 has told you other people in this experiment have heard 0:34:48.920 --> 0:34:51.640 things and been told things, and we have told you. 0:34:52.200 --> 0:34:54.879 Are you telling me that moving forward, if we. 0:34:54.920 --> 0:34:57.879 Find out something about what Bryce has done, or how 0:34:57.920 --> 0:35:00.359 you've been treated, or how you've been lied to, that 0:35:00.440 --> 0:35:01.799 you don't want to know about it? 0:35:02.200 --> 0:35:04.839 And Melissa said yes, I don't want to know about 0:35:04.840 --> 0:35:05.400 it anymore. 0:35:06.400 --> 0:35:09.600 In that moment, I just felt so just so sad 0:35:09.680 --> 0:35:12.000 for her and so sad that you could be at 0:35:12.000 --> 0:35:15.280 a point in a relationship where you think, I don't 0:35:15.320 --> 0:35:18.359 care what my partner's done wrong. I don't want you 0:35:18.440 --> 0:35:20.560 to tell me because I'm not going to leave them anyway. 0:35:20.680 --> 0:35:22.799 So what she was saying in that sentence is, it 0:35:22.840 --> 0:35:25.080 doesn't matter if you tell me that he's cheated on me, 0:35:25.680 --> 0:35:28.839 even if it's true, I'm not going to leave. And 0:35:29.480 --> 0:35:31.520 there does come a point in this conversation where we 0:35:31.600 --> 0:35:34.920 have to talk about self worth and setting boundaries and 0:35:35.560 --> 0:35:38.279 the fear of someone leaving. You cannot be greater than 0:35:38.320 --> 0:35:40.239 your own self worth. That's what we have to kind 0:35:40.280 --> 0:35:42.320 of have as a benchmark. Like we said the beginning 0:35:42.360 --> 0:35:44.640 of the episode, this is maths. It's not all real, 0:35:44.760 --> 0:35:47.160 a lot of it's edited, a lot of it's inflamed. 0:35:47.200 --> 0:35:49.799 We don't know exactly what happened in their relationship, but 0:35:49.880 --> 0:35:53.280 what we saw on TV is a really great basis 0:35:53.280 --> 0:35:56.000 for a conversation around what a boundaries, How do we 0:35:56.040 --> 0:35:58.680 create boundaries for ourself and how do we improve our 0:35:58.719 --> 0:36:00.719 self worth so that we can make sure that we're 0:36:00.760 --> 0:36:03.200 setting ourselves up for healthy relationships, not just in our 0:36:03.239 --> 0:36:06.400 personal in romantic relationships, but in all the relationships and 0:36:06.400 --> 0:36:08.480 interactions that we have with people in our lives. 0:36:08.760 --> 0:36:11.480 One thing that I have learned from, you know, just 0:36:11.640 --> 0:36:13.520 going through the shit storm of the last ten years, 0:36:14.040 --> 0:36:16.480 is just being alive, just living. One thing I have 0:36:16.560 --> 0:36:20.040 learned from living is where there's smoke this fire. And 0:36:20.200 --> 0:36:22.319 I cannot reiterate that enough. Like that is such a 0:36:22.360 --> 0:36:25.200 great strong saying to me. In this case with Bryce 0:36:25.200 --> 0:36:27.520 and Melissa, it's one thing for her to not accept 0:36:27.520 --> 0:36:29.560 a rumor when one person says it. And I can 0:36:29.600 --> 0:36:31.960 applaud that if someone tells you a rumor, you go 0:36:32.000 --> 0:36:34.120 to your partner and you ask them up front. The 0:36:34.160 --> 0:36:36.080 reason you're with your partner is because you trust them. 0:36:36.080 --> 0:36:38.120 That is why you're with them. He's given her an answer, 0:36:38.120 --> 0:36:40.560 She's believed it, She's moved on. When there is this 0:36:40.719 --> 0:36:44.759 much smoke coming from this many independent fires, you can't 0:36:44.840 --> 0:36:47.560 deny that it hasn't happened. Like his friends have done it. 0:36:48.080 --> 0:36:50.600 People have called other sources that are so concerned for 0:36:50.600 --> 0:36:51.839 her that they're like, you need to go and tell 0:36:51.880 --> 0:36:54.799 your friend that this is true. And like Laura said, 0:36:54.880 --> 0:36:59.000 seeing that she would rather turn a blind eye. What 0:36:59.120 --> 0:37:01.440 that is doing is very for her, but it's setting 0:37:01.440 --> 0:37:04.480 a precedence in that relationship that that is what is 0:37:04.560 --> 0:37:06.840 acceptable and that is tolerable, and that he can do 0:37:06.880 --> 0:37:09.040 whatever he wants. He can cheat on her, he can 0:37:09.120 --> 0:37:11.360 gaslight her, he can light to her, and that he 0:37:11.400 --> 0:37:14.600 can still have her. Essentially, that is what her behavior 0:37:14.840 --> 0:37:17.120 is telling him, And I would hate to see what's 0:37:17.160 --> 0:37:19.279 going to happen in the future knowing that he knows 0:37:19.280 --> 0:37:21.759 that he can do this on a public level and 0:37:21.800 --> 0:37:24.600 not get called out. So he's one hundred percent gotten 0:37:24.640 --> 0:37:27.279 away with cheating and gas lighting and now he knows 0:37:27.280 --> 0:37:29.080 that it's okay whether he rains it in a little 0:37:29.080 --> 0:37:31.399 while because he's on a public platform now and people 0:37:31.400 --> 0:37:32.920 will be watching them like a hawk or not. 0:37:33.560 --> 0:37:36.640 This is also a very extreme case of not having 0:37:36.760 --> 0:37:38.759 any boundaries at all. Like I think, you know, there's 0:37:38.880 --> 0:37:41.440 definitely different layers of this. We can have soft boundaries 0:37:41.440 --> 0:37:43.719 with our friends, which might just be you know, you're 0:37:43.800 --> 0:37:45.800 encroaching too much of my time and I'm not getting 0:37:45.880 --> 0:37:48.680 enough of my own personal me time. It could be 0:37:48.719 --> 0:37:50.719 at work where you're being asked to do jobs which 0:37:50.760 --> 0:37:53.200 are so far outside your skill set. For example, you 0:37:53.280 --> 0:37:54.839 might get to work and your boss might be saying, 0:37:55.080 --> 0:37:57.520 pour me a bowl of cereal when you come in, Like, no, 0:37:57.680 --> 0:37:58.400 I'm not going to do that. 0:37:58.480 --> 0:37:59.320 But he's an architect. 0:37:59.440 --> 0:38:02.960 Yeah, there's nothing that, there's no skill that that's actually 0:38:03.040 --> 0:38:04.800 you know, teaching me. I don't need to pour your sereal, 0:38:04.800 --> 0:38:07.080 get it yourself. You've sogynistic woo unless it. 0:38:07.120 --> 0:38:08.759 Anyway as a sister, and you happy to do everything 0:38:08.760 --> 0:38:09.120 he says. 0:38:09.880 --> 0:38:12.160 But so this is all about just like, you need 0:38:12.160 --> 0:38:15.120 to set boundaries early in relationships, not like once you've 0:38:15.120 --> 0:38:17.279 been together for five years or six years. That's not 0:38:17.320 --> 0:38:18.600 to say that you can't do it later on in 0:38:18.600 --> 0:38:20.880 a relationship, but it's a lot harder. The thing is, 0:38:20.880 --> 0:38:23.840 you need to start setting the boundaries and conditioning people 0:38:23.840 --> 0:38:25.680 for the way that you want to be treated from 0:38:25.719 --> 0:38:29.440 the very first meeting, because people become accustomed to it, 0:38:29.640 --> 0:38:31.920 and that it's much harder to change someone's behavior than 0:38:31.920 --> 0:38:34.480 what it is to from the get go a really 0:38:34.520 --> 0:38:37.640 strong boundaries, really strong self worth for them that to 0:38:37.680 --> 0:38:39.560 flow into a healthy relationship in the future. 0:38:40.200 --> 0:38:42.799 What we are taught as well is and what I 0:38:42.840 --> 0:38:44.920 have read is the reason is so hard because there 0:38:44.920 --> 0:38:47.719 are a lot of adults that don't have the right 0:38:47.760 --> 0:38:50.600 boundaries in place. And the reason we're told this is 0:38:50.600 --> 0:38:53.919 is because we learn our behavior from when we're young. 0:38:54.480 --> 0:38:57.000 Most young people in their first relationships, they don't know 0:38:57.040 --> 0:38:59.440 about boundaries yet because they're trying to figure their shit out, 0:38:59.480 --> 0:39:01.799 which is so fine, that's how we learn. But one 0:39:01.840 --> 0:39:04.520 thing that the psychologists say we don't learn is from 0:39:04.680 --> 0:39:07.040 this behavior and to where like late twenties and into 0:39:07.040 --> 0:39:09.799 our early thirties. So it's really important that you go 0:39:09.880 --> 0:39:11.839 into your new relationship not in the same way you've 0:39:11.880 --> 0:39:14.560 gone into your old relationships, but you need to know 0:39:14.960 --> 0:39:18.480 before you enter a relationship, if possible, what it is 0:39:18.520 --> 0:39:21.200 that's acceptable for you, what it is you want, and 0:39:21.239 --> 0:39:24.560 where you want to go personally and in your relationship. 0:39:24.600 --> 0:39:27.279 Because if you can go into a relationship or your 0:39:27.360 --> 0:39:29.600 new job or a friendship, if you can go into 0:39:29.600 --> 0:39:33.600 any situation confident in yourself and knowing what is and 0:39:33.760 --> 0:39:36.520 is not okay and what is and is not acceptable 0:39:36.560 --> 0:39:40.720 in a relationship, you're setting yourself up for a far better, longer, 0:39:40.719 --> 0:39:41.920 and healthier relationship. 0:39:42.320 --> 0:39:45.239 Okay, So let's like unpack what is a boundary. I 0:39:45.280 --> 0:39:47.640 know that we've all heard of this been thrown around before. 0:39:47.680 --> 0:39:50.880 Every single self help group will talk about boundaries. Britain 0:39:50.880 --> 0:39:53.799 and I talk about boundaries all the time. But it's 0:39:53.800 --> 0:39:55.640 something that's very, like I said, it very easy to 0:39:55.680 --> 0:39:57.839 talk about. A lot of people find it very very 0:39:57.840 --> 0:40:00.280 hard to action within their own life. So about boundary 0:40:00.360 --> 0:40:03.520 is a physical or metaphorical line between ourselves and others. 0:40:03.840 --> 0:40:06.880 Setting a boundary means requiring better treatment by others and 0:40:06.880 --> 0:40:09.640 not allowing someone else to run over you. A boundary 0:40:09.640 --> 0:40:13.000 provides a protective parameter around us, allowing us to operate 0:40:13.040 --> 0:40:16.040 comfortably within it. And depending on your personalities and your 0:40:16.080 --> 0:40:20.040 life experiences, some of us have stronger boundaries and more 0:40:20.080 --> 0:40:23.120 reliant on those boundaries than others. Women are more at 0:40:23.280 --> 0:40:25.840 risk of being very fluid with their boundaries than what 0:40:25.960 --> 0:40:27.360 men are, and there's been a lot of studies that 0:40:27.360 --> 0:40:31.680 have gone into why we as women often will be 0:40:31.760 --> 0:40:34.279 flexible with our boundaries or will shape our boundaries and 0:40:34.360 --> 0:40:37.000 change our boundaries depending on what relationship we're in. And 0:40:37.000 --> 0:40:40.680 that is because deep seated there is a conditioned want 0:40:40.760 --> 0:40:44.080 to please people and there is also a nurturing side 0:40:44.080 --> 0:40:44.279 of that. 0:40:44.360 --> 0:40:45.879 So the more empathetic that. 0:40:45.800 --> 0:40:48.680 You are, the more nurturing that you are, the less 0:40:49.040 --> 0:40:51.440 firm boundaries you may have in your life. So it's 0:40:51.480 --> 0:40:55.080 not necessarily a quality of weakness having loose boundaries, but 0:40:55.120 --> 0:40:57.360 it is a quality of really wanting to either please 0:40:57.440 --> 0:41:00.319 other people, wanting other people to like you, or being 0:41:00.400 --> 0:41:02.279 fearful of losing something that you have. 0:41:02.520 --> 0:41:05.080 Personal boundaries and self esteem they do go hand in 0:41:05.120 --> 0:41:09.560 hand and taking responsibility for your own actions not blaming 0:41:09.600 --> 0:41:12.480 other people. These are the two pillars of a really 0:41:12.600 --> 0:41:15.960 really important book called Six Pillars of Self Esteem. So 0:41:16.040 --> 0:41:18.000 this is a really good book that just from what 0:41:18.040 --> 0:41:20.200 we've researched online that if you are looking into self 0:41:20.280 --> 0:41:22.400 esteem or you're looking into boundaries, you can go and 0:41:22.440 --> 0:41:25.880 read that online. But generally speaking, people with high self 0:41:25.960 --> 0:41:30.000 esteem and high self worth, they usually have really good 0:41:30.040 --> 0:41:32.799 strong boundaries because they know where they are, they know 0:41:32.840 --> 0:41:35.040 what they want, and they know how to get there. 0:41:35.320 --> 0:41:37.960 So practicing strong personal boundaries it is one way to 0:41:37.960 --> 0:41:41.320 build self esteem. And I think the connection between boundaries 0:41:41.360 --> 0:41:45.400 and self worth is fascinating. So if you know that 0:41:45.520 --> 0:41:48.919 you're in a relationship that is not what you want 0:41:49.000 --> 0:41:51.640 and it is not healthy, maybe you need to look 0:41:51.640 --> 0:41:53.520 at why we are going to go through some things. 0:41:53.520 --> 0:41:57.239 But is it because you are afraid that you will 0:41:57.280 --> 0:41:59.480 not meet anyone else? Is it afraid that no one 0:41:59.480 --> 0:42:02.799 else will love you if you leave because behavior is unacceptable? 0:42:02.880 --> 0:42:04.480 Is it because you don't feel like you're good enough 0:42:04.520 --> 0:42:05.920 for anyone else? Is it because you don't feel like 0:42:05.920 --> 0:42:07.880 you're good enough for the person you're in the relationship with. 0:42:08.360 --> 0:42:10.680 I know, for me, my boundary is now fucking so 0:42:10.920 --> 0:42:12.960 strong that it's like hard for anyone to even get in. 0:42:13.000 --> 0:42:14.440 This is like I put a fence up that I'm like, 0:42:14.560 --> 0:42:16.000 this is how it is, is what I want, this 0:42:16.040 --> 0:42:18.520 is what I'll accept. But it was not always like that. 0:42:18.560 --> 0:42:22.640 It took me, like realistically, probably almost so. I was 0:42:22.680 --> 0:42:24.880 thirty and I dated a lot of people over that 0:42:24.880 --> 0:42:29.200 ten years, guys, But my toxic relationship he I'm not 0:42:29.239 --> 0:42:31.719 proud to say it, he walked all over me. I 0:42:31.920 --> 0:42:36.120 let him treat me so poorly, the way he spoke 0:42:36.160 --> 0:42:38.880 to me, the way he acted, the lies, the gas lighting, 0:42:39.400 --> 0:42:42.520 the cheating, the disappointment. I mean, I knew that he 0:42:42.640 --> 0:42:45.600 was monitoring my online activity where I was, and I 0:42:46.400 --> 0:42:47.520 buried it. I let it fly. 0:42:47.719 --> 0:42:49.560 But did it happen slowly or was it something that 0:42:49.600 --> 0:42:51.160 was there from the very get go, Because I think 0:42:51.160 --> 0:42:53.799 that's sometimes these and this is like an extreme case 0:42:53.840 --> 0:42:56.960 of it, but I think that sometimes your boundaries can 0:42:57.040 --> 0:43:00.360 slip so slowly that you almost don't recognize that it's happening. 0:43:00.560 --> 0:43:02.600 For me, it was very slow because it started off 0:43:02.640 --> 0:43:04.840 fantastic and loving and great. I thought I had the 0:43:04.840 --> 0:43:06.200 boundaries and I was like, this is what I want. 0:43:06.239 --> 0:43:09.120 I wanted this loving partner who wanted to do everything 0:43:09.160 --> 0:43:10.400 for me and wanted to know where I was all 0:43:10.440 --> 0:43:13.359 the time. For me, it was very slow, But I'd 0:43:13.360 --> 0:43:15.719 be lying if I said I didn't see a lot 0:43:15.719 --> 0:43:16.959 of red flags along the way. 0:43:17.480 --> 0:43:19.680 Well, one of the things that's really interesting about setting 0:43:19.680 --> 0:43:22.320 boundaries in your relationships is that often there's this fear 0:43:22.360 --> 0:43:24.600 that if you set boundaries, you're going to push people away, 0:43:24.680 --> 0:43:26.400 or someone's going to think that you're being mean or 0:43:26.400 --> 0:43:29.840 that you're being too hard, and so we are fearful 0:43:29.880 --> 0:43:31.839 of doing that. We're fearful of saying no for fear 0:43:31.840 --> 0:43:35.719 of upsetting someone else. But actually setting boundaries is a 0:43:35.760 --> 0:43:40.080 way of strengthening your relationships because normal healthy relationships, that 0:43:40.160 --> 0:43:42.880 other person is going to go oh okay, there's a 0:43:42.920 --> 0:43:45.279 sense of vulnerability there. And like we always say, this 0:43:45.440 --> 0:43:48.000 power and vulnerability. If you sit down and have a 0:43:48.040 --> 0:43:54.040 really genuine, vulnerable, open conversation with someone around why they 0:43:54.080 --> 0:43:56.440 have crossed your boundaries, why they have hurt you, and 0:43:56.480 --> 0:43:58.040 why you feel. 0:43:57.840 --> 0:43:58.400 The way you do. 0:43:58.520 --> 0:44:00.600 And the thing is is when your boundaries being broken 0:44:00.640 --> 0:44:02.719 or when someone is encroaching on them, you're going to 0:44:02.719 --> 0:44:04.799 feel resentful, You're going to feel angry, You're going to 0:44:04.800 --> 0:44:08.000 feel burnt out. This is the byproduct of not having 0:44:08.040 --> 0:44:10.560 firm boundaries in place. So if you sit down with 0:44:10.600 --> 0:44:13.280 someone who cares about you and who you care about 0:44:13.320 --> 0:44:16.600 and say this is how I'm feeling, then that actually 0:44:16.680 --> 0:44:19.600 creates a deeper bond with that person and a deeper 0:44:19.680 --> 0:44:22.520 level of understanding. If it doesn't, like, if you set 0:44:22.560 --> 0:44:25.600 boundaries and it creates issues in your relationship, then that's 0:44:25.640 --> 0:44:29.120 probably a flag that that relationship isn't healthy anyway, because 0:44:29.200 --> 0:44:32.680 only somebody who is codependent or toxic or wants to 0:44:32.719 --> 0:44:36.200 control you is going to have issues with you setting boundaries. 0:44:36.360 --> 0:44:38.600 It is a human right to have boundaries. It's a 0:44:38.640 --> 0:44:40.840 human right to be able to say no and protect 0:44:40.880 --> 0:44:43.480 your well being and your own mental health. Every single 0:44:43.520 --> 0:44:46.359 person needs to be able to exercise this in order 0:44:46.400 --> 0:44:49.399 to be happy and in order to just not give 0:44:49.560 --> 0:44:52.080 so much of themselves and leave nothing left in the 0:44:52.120 --> 0:44:53.239 tank for themselves. 0:44:53.280 --> 0:44:56.279 So some examples of what unhealthy boundaries look like, because 0:44:56.280 --> 0:44:58.000 it's very easy for us to sit here and say, 0:44:58.239 --> 0:45:00.680 put your boundary out, don't have an unhealthy boundary, don't 0:45:00.680 --> 0:45:02.920 have an unhealthy relationship. It's like, think about have you 0:45:02.960 --> 0:45:05.640 ever seen two friends and I feel like everyone has this. 0:45:05.760 --> 0:45:07.920 You've got these two friends and when they're together or 0:45:07.920 --> 0:45:11.120 when you're with them, it's fantastic, it's awesome. But then 0:45:11.160 --> 0:45:13.600 these friends will non stop complaining to you about each 0:45:13.640 --> 0:45:16.719 other behind their back. That's unhealthy. That is not a 0:45:16.760 --> 0:45:18.520 normal friendship. It's like Laura and I are hanging out 0:45:18.560 --> 0:45:20.160 all the time, then me going to someone and complaining 0:45:20.200 --> 0:45:22.640 NonStop about her and Laura going complaining non stop about me. 0:45:22.680 --> 0:45:25.600 It's like, it's not a healthy relationship. If that's the problem, 0:45:25.640 --> 0:45:27.920 we should be having open communication with each other. 0:45:28.040 --> 0:45:29.640 And that's back to what I said as well about 0:45:29.680 --> 0:45:32.759 this idea of resentment. If you are having those relationships 0:45:32.760 --> 0:45:35.520 where like face to face, it's great, but really you 0:45:35.600 --> 0:45:39.799 have this underlying feud happening that you haven't voiced, and like, 0:45:39.880 --> 0:45:41.880 we've all done this. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure 0:45:41.920 --> 0:45:44.200 there have been times where it has gone behind my 0:45:44.200 --> 0:45:46.480 back and being like a fuck, I'm really frustrated with Laura, 0:45:46.560 --> 0:45:49.520 but there's a level of resentment there that hasn't been discussed. 0:45:49.520 --> 0:45:51.759 And then a good friendship, you go and you have 0:45:51.800 --> 0:45:54.239 a conversation and you work out why you're feeling that way, 0:45:54.320 --> 0:45:56.040 and then it resolves it, and then you get back 0:45:56.040 --> 0:45:58.799 to a place where you can be really happy and 0:45:58.840 --> 0:46:02.120 your friendship is even deeper and better. And I know, like, oh, 0:46:02.200 --> 0:46:04.960 we have had so many frustrations with each others, like you, 0:46:05.120 --> 0:46:07.719 like we are we are seriously such close friends. And 0:46:07.800 --> 0:46:09.920 Britt knows me better than anyone, and I know her 0:46:09.960 --> 0:46:12.280 better than anyone as well, And like I love our friendship. 0:46:12.320 --> 0:46:14.360 This we can have a moment right now, I fucking 0:46:14.400 --> 0:46:17.080 love you, got planned? I love you, and I love 0:46:17.120 --> 0:46:20.160 our friendship. We have absolutely, over the course of the last 0:46:20.160 --> 0:46:23.080 two years, had moments where we have been so frustrated 0:46:23.120 --> 0:46:26.680 with each other, and it's been difficult to communicate that 0:46:26.880 --> 0:46:29.160 straight away because sometimes it takes a little while to 0:46:29.239 --> 0:46:32.480 understand why you feel frustrated personally. For me, I was 0:46:32.560 --> 0:46:35.400 never frustrated at britt as a person, but I was 0:46:35.440 --> 0:46:38.440 frustrated by the amount of work that this podcast took 0:46:38.560 --> 0:46:40.399 up at one point in time, because I just didn't 0:46:40.400 --> 0:46:41.279 have the hours in the day. 0:46:41.360 --> 0:46:44.080 And it made me, really it almost made. 0:46:43.920 --> 0:46:46.040 Me feel anxious all the time because I knew that 0:46:46.080 --> 0:46:48.399 I had to edit after we finished recording, and then 0:46:48.640 --> 0:46:50.480 that feeling of like, well, I've got to go home 0:46:50.520 --> 0:46:52.360 and do eight more hours on this made me feel 0:46:52.360 --> 0:46:55.239 really resent and that all compounded. And the reason it 0:46:55.280 --> 0:46:57.560 compounded is because I hadn't sat down with Britain had 0:46:57.600 --> 0:47:00.800 an honest conversation around the fact that I was giving 0:47:00.880 --> 0:47:03.359 so much of myself above and beyond what I could 0:47:03.360 --> 0:47:07.440 actually sustain and my time, and therefore I was starting 0:47:07.480 --> 0:47:10.920 to feel resentful. I was starting to feel unappreciated. And 0:47:11.080 --> 0:47:14.120 in that conversation we make changes and everything is frigging 0:47:14.239 --> 0:47:16.279 great now, you know. And that's the thing, like in 0:47:16.320 --> 0:47:20.160 a really great relationship, you can have vulnerable, honest conversations 0:47:20.520 --> 0:47:23.319 about what is upsetting you and then that sets a 0:47:23.360 --> 0:47:25.560 new precedent or a new boundary, and often more so 0:47:25.640 --> 0:47:28.840 than not, it can be about time restraints and people 0:47:29.200 --> 0:47:30.680 wanting too much of your time. 0:47:31.320 --> 0:47:34.480 Absolutely, and that's like a crucial thing. Any time that 0:47:34.520 --> 0:47:36.319 Laura and I have had a frustration with each other, 0:47:37.360 --> 0:47:39.400 we've always spoken about it. Even if it's not that 0:47:39.520 --> 0:47:41.640 day or a day later or a week later, we 0:47:41.760 --> 0:47:44.000 always come back to each other and we both end 0:47:44.080 --> 0:47:45.960 up feeling really bad about it and we're like, I 0:47:45.960 --> 0:47:47.640 didn't know, we didn't know these, and I feel sorry 0:47:47.680 --> 0:47:49.560 because we would never want to hurt each other's feelings 0:47:49.560 --> 0:47:52.759 in anything. But the thing is with every relationship in 0:47:52.800 --> 0:47:56.320 your whole life, your partner, your work, your friends, your family, 0:47:56.880 --> 0:48:00.319 you're different humans that look at things in a different way, 0:48:00.360 --> 0:48:03.200 that have different opinions, that have different boundaries, that have 0:48:03.239 --> 0:48:07.239 different expectations, and you can't expect anyone else in your 0:48:07.280 --> 0:48:11.000 life to just know what yours are without communicating it. 0:48:11.040 --> 0:48:14.439 So like our number one thing is communication. The next 0:48:14.480 --> 0:48:16.640 thing is like an example of maybe you're single and 0:48:16.640 --> 0:48:19.160 your friends in a relationship and they won't go out 0:48:19.280 --> 0:48:21.040 partying with you, or they won't meet you for a coffee, 0:48:21.120 --> 0:48:23.000 or they can't do anything because their partner doesn't like 0:48:23.000 --> 0:48:24.439 when they go out with them, or their partner doesn't 0:48:24.520 --> 0:48:27.280 like having too much time away. That is an unhealthy 0:48:27.440 --> 0:48:30.279 relationship for you, guys in a friendship because they're just 0:48:30.600 --> 0:48:34.400 completely disregarding you. But it's also an unhealthy relationship that 0:48:34.400 --> 0:48:36.880 they're sitting in as a couple saying that I can't 0:48:36.880 --> 0:48:38.799 do this because my partner doesn't like it. It's not 0:48:38.840 --> 0:48:40.439 like they're saying I can't cheat on my partner because 0:48:40.440 --> 0:48:42.040 he doesn't like it. It's saying I can't go out 0:48:42.040 --> 0:48:44.360 to dinner like you know. There's a level of control 0:48:44.400 --> 0:48:45.600 in there, and obviously. 0:48:45.280 --> 0:48:47.160 You can't have sex with my brothersuse my partners. That's 0:48:47.239 --> 0:48:49.319 up that sorry bad. 0:48:49.560 --> 0:48:51.960 It's definitely something that is and we said at the beginning, 0:48:52.000 --> 0:48:54.680 boundaries are fluid. If that is what works for you 0:48:54.800 --> 0:48:57.720 and you're actually happy with it, then it doesn't really matter. 0:48:58.280 --> 0:49:01.240 If you know that you're doing something against your will. 0:49:01.320 --> 0:49:02.799 You know that you're saying I can't go out with 0:49:02.840 --> 0:49:05.520 you because my partner doesn't want me to, even though 0:49:05.560 --> 0:49:07.480 you really, really really want to go out with them, 0:49:07.719 --> 0:49:10.080 then that is a prime example of an unhealthy boundary. 0:49:10.160 --> 0:49:11.439 That's something you need to go back to your partner 0:49:11.520 --> 0:49:13.920 and say, this is something that's really important to me. 0:49:14.000 --> 0:49:15.399 This is what I want to do, and I can't 0:49:15.400 --> 0:49:17.080 be in a relationship where you don't let me live 0:49:17.120 --> 0:49:17.680 my life. 0:49:17.800 --> 0:49:20.319 If you're somebody who really struggles with setting boundaries in 0:49:20.320 --> 0:49:22.719 your relationships, whether it be work or whether it be 0:49:23.000 --> 0:49:27.279 your romantic relationships, there are five statements which I want 0:49:27.360 --> 0:49:31.839 you to say to yourself, and these are you are worthy, 0:49:31.760 --> 0:49:35.279 you are in the mirror, No, it is I have 0:49:35.360 --> 0:49:38.120 a right to say no without feeling guilty. I have 0:49:38.200 --> 0:49:40.640 a right to be treated with respect. I have a 0:49:40.719 --> 0:49:43.839 right to make my needs as important as others. I 0:49:43.880 --> 0:49:46.440 have a right to be accepting of my mistakes and 0:49:46.480 --> 0:49:48.839 my failures. And I have a right not to meet 0:49:48.880 --> 0:49:53.719 others unreasonable expectations of me. And like Britz said, you 0:49:53.800 --> 0:49:57.000 have to communicate what is an unreasonable expectation. You know, 0:49:57.040 --> 0:50:00.400 you cannot assume that everybody knows exactly what you're thinking 0:50:00.400 --> 0:50:02.839 and feeling, and you have to follow your gut. If 0:50:02.920 --> 0:50:05.000 your body is telling you that after you have an 0:50:05.000 --> 0:50:07.720 interaction with someone, or after someone asks you to do something, 0:50:08.080 --> 0:50:10.680 you say yes, but you feel angry about it, then 0:50:10.719 --> 0:50:13.680 that's your body telling you, Hey, a fundamental boundary here 0:50:13.760 --> 0:50:16.000 is being crossed, and it's up to you to voice 0:50:16.160 --> 0:50:18.400 how you feel about that. It's up to you to 0:50:18.440 --> 0:50:20.920 start putting parameters in place. And I know that there 0:50:21.000 --> 0:50:22.640 is a lot of self help books out there and 0:50:22.680 --> 0:50:25.040 stuff that say, and we've said it before in this podcast, 0:50:25.400 --> 0:50:27.640 you just have to say no, and no needs to 0:50:27.640 --> 0:50:28.360 be a firm no. 0:50:28.640 --> 0:50:31.239 Man, I say yes to everything. That's my thing. I'm 0:50:31.280 --> 0:50:33.680 totally boundary to that. We're so bad with it. 0:50:33.719 --> 0:50:36.839 But also I think no, we think it's a really 0:50:36.880 --> 0:50:39.600 aggressive word, and sometimes it does come across and sound 0:50:39.600 --> 0:50:42.799 aggressive without giving an explanation behind. And if you're someone 0:50:42.800 --> 0:50:46.480 who really struggles to say no without justifying your reasoning, 0:50:46.920 --> 0:50:50.279 maybe do a soft noe instead of just no. 0:50:50.680 --> 0:50:53.120 Work yourself up to it. Maybe it's a sorry I can't. 0:50:56.000 --> 0:50:56.719 Maybe it's a. 0:50:57.000 --> 0:50:59.000 No this isn't a priority for me at this point 0:50:59.000 --> 0:51:02.120 in time, or no I'm not able to because of this. 0:51:02.320 --> 0:51:04.359 Maybe it is okay for you to give some sort 0:51:04.400 --> 0:51:06.640 of justification because going into the heart no is a 0:51:06.680 --> 0:51:09.800 bit overwhelming. And also there's some situations where you can't 0:51:09.800 --> 0:51:11.759 just go in for a no, like at work, you 0:51:11.800 --> 0:51:14.279 can't just say no. You have to explain why it's 0:51:14.280 --> 0:51:14.520 a no. 0:51:15.080 --> 0:51:17.319 You've got to put forward Kates, Laura, we really need 0:51:17.360 --> 0:51:20.239 to record the podcast. No, No, it doesn't work, you know. 0:51:20.640 --> 0:51:22.839 No, I'm time poor because my sister's in labor and 0:51:22.840 --> 0:51:23.840 I'm going to the hospital. 0:51:24.000 --> 0:51:24.400 Perfect. 0:51:24.480 --> 0:51:27.960 That's setting personal boundaries, you know, that's prioritizing different things 0:51:28.000 --> 0:51:30.279 in my life. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and saying 0:51:30.360 --> 0:51:33.680 yes to everything is what creates this burnout. We talked 0:51:33.680 --> 0:51:36.160 about it loads on an episode which was Hustle Culture. 0:51:36.400 --> 0:51:38.560 But I think that these things really all tie into 0:51:38.560 --> 0:51:40.120 each other. Oh one hundred percent. 0:51:40.200 --> 0:51:42.320 Look, I actually think I've got a pretty happy medium 0:51:42.320 --> 0:51:43.520 with it. I was trying to think of, like, what 0:51:43.719 --> 0:51:45.520 is my boundary that I need to work on, because 0:51:45.560 --> 0:51:47.280 I do have a lot of really really good, strong 0:51:47.320 --> 0:51:50.560 boundaries in place, But one of them that I am 0:51:50.920 --> 0:51:53.920 bad at is I will say no to people that 0:51:54.000 --> 0:51:56.080 are not in my close circle. Like if somebody that 0:51:56.120 --> 0:51:57.600 i've a friend of a friend has said come to 0:51:57.600 --> 0:51:59.960 my party, I'll say no, Like I don't really know, 0:52:00.040 --> 0:52:01.359 you don't really have time. I won't say that to them, 0:52:01.360 --> 0:52:04.120 but I'm like, hey, I can't if I have probably 0:52:04.280 --> 0:52:06.000 like I can count them on two hands. The people 0:52:06.000 --> 0:52:08.719 in my life that I can basically never say no 0:52:08.840 --> 0:52:11.200 to Laura could call me at any time of the 0:52:11.239 --> 0:52:13.160 day or night with anything, and I'd be like, she 0:52:13.200 --> 0:52:14.319 could call me at one am and be like I 0:52:14.360 --> 0:52:16.320 really need a coffee and I'd be like, don't worries, 0:52:16.400 --> 0:52:18.360 I'll just go yep, cool, I'll be there in a minute. 0:52:18.360 --> 0:52:20.759 Like there's people that I would actually never do that 0:52:20.800 --> 0:52:22.480 to you. That's the thing. Don't make it sound like 0:52:22.520 --> 0:52:24.560 I call you one. She doesn't. Could you come up 0:52:24.560 --> 0:52:26.720 here and give me a foot massage? But my point 0:52:26.760 --> 0:52:28.360 is that I don't know if that's a boundary thing 0:52:28.440 --> 0:52:30.120 or not. I don't know if that's just because I 0:52:30.160 --> 0:52:31.799 love to love and care for the people that I 0:52:31.880 --> 0:52:34.200 do have in my circle, so they My point is 0:52:34.239 --> 0:52:35.680 Laura would never ask me to do that, but if 0:52:35.719 --> 0:52:37.960 she did, I would do it, That's my point. But 0:52:38.000 --> 0:52:40.120 I would be like, sure, I am not doing anything else. 0:52:40.200 --> 0:52:43.000 I will come up. But that's okay, because that's what 0:52:43.040 --> 0:52:45.000 I have said is okay in my life, because I 0:52:45.080 --> 0:52:48.080 know in myself I'm happy to I won't resent the person. 0:52:48.400 --> 0:52:50.920 The problem comes when you're saying yes to people and 0:52:50.960 --> 0:52:52.920 doing things for people that you actually don't want to do. 0:52:53.000 --> 0:52:55.200 That's when the resentment comes and that's when the problems come. 0:52:55.400 --> 0:52:57.600 That's when you need to start with your soft nose. 0:52:57.960 --> 0:52:59.959 And also when we talk about this idea of bound 0:53:00.320 --> 0:53:02.280 and we say that there's like a hard line sand 0:53:02.360 --> 0:53:05.319 and then there's often like a little bit more fluidity 0:53:05.360 --> 0:53:08.080 into it. It also changes in the relationship and also 0:53:08.080 --> 0:53:10.560 depends on how long you've been with someone. For example, 0:53:11.200 --> 0:53:13.440 Matt and I have a really healthy relationship where I 0:53:13.440 --> 0:53:15.839 think it's really healthy. You know, we fight from time 0:53:15.880 --> 0:53:17.799 to time, like any couple does that, we have our 0:53:17.840 --> 0:53:21.520 normal tives. We bicker about normal bickering shit, but overall 0:53:21.560 --> 0:53:23.920 our relationship is really great. We love and we trust 0:53:23.920 --> 0:53:25.960 each other, and we have really healthy boundaries, which is 0:53:26.000 --> 0:53:28.279 something that I've not had in any past relationship, and 0:53:28.320 --> 0:53:31.399 it's something that I'm really like. It makes me really 0:53:31.400 --> 0:53:33.400 feel safe and secure, and I'm really proud of that 0:53:33.440 --> 0:53:36.759 we have this in this relationship. If Matt cheated on me, 0:53:37.160 --> 0:53:39.680 that would one hundred percent be crossing my hard boundary. 0:53:40.160 --> 0:53:42.560 Would I break up with him because of that? No, 0:53:43.280 --> 0:53:45.560 I would work through that. It doesn't mean that the 0:53:45.560 --> 0:53:48.120 boundary hasn't been crossed. It doesn't mean that I haven't 0:53:48.160 --> 0:53:51.520 been betrayed. But if he showed up to that conversation, 0:53:51.760 --> 0:53:55.120 was immensely sorry, was never going to do it again, 0:53:55.640 --> 0:53:58.040 and we worked through it, worked the drunk as to 0:53:58.120 --> 0:54:00.640 why it happened. Then you can over come these It's 0:54:00.680 --> 0:54:02.319 not like you have a boundary and as soon as 0:54:02.320 --> 0:54:03.040 someone breaks it. 0:54:03.000 --> 0:54:05.239 You're like, fuck you, we are broken up. 0:54:05.280 --> 0:54:07.880 It doesn't have to be that, But it is knowing 0:54:08.040 --> 0:54:10.760 that there has to be a consequence when a boundary 0:54:10.800 --> 0:54:13.520 is broken, right, because if there's no consequence, then what's 0:54:13.560 --> 0:54:14.600 the point in having them. 0:54:14.719 --> 0:54:17.040 This comes into the next conversation, the next chapter of 0:54:17.040 --> 0:54:19.279 this conversation, which is how to set your boundaries. So again, 0:54:19.320 --> 0:54:20.840 like it's easy for us to say have them, but 0:54:21.200 --> 0:54:23.440 how to set them? So the number one thing is 0:54:24.040 --> 0:54:27.759 literally set your boundaries, write down or knowing yourself what 0:54:27.800 --> 0:54:30.399 you will and will not tolerate, what behaviors you will 0:54:30.400 --> 0:54:32.640 accept and you will not accept. And this is your family, 0:54:32.680 --> 0:54:35.839 your partner, your friends, the postman, your colleagues, like you 0:54:35.880 --> 0:54:38.080 just have to know. And the second one goes into 0:54:38.120 --> 0:54:40.560 what Laura said, which is, once you know your boundaries, 0:54:40.600 --> 0:54:43.160 you need to decide what the consequences are if someone 0:54:43.239 --> 0:54:46.000 does encroach or break one of these boundaries. And one 0:54:46.000 --> 0:54:48.160 of these rules. So this is going to happen at 0:54:48.239 --> 0:54:50.319 some stage, right, Someone is going to cross the line 0:54:50.320 --> 0:54:53.440 at some stage. If you don't know what your consequence is, 0:54:53.520 --> 0:54:55.600 it's going to be really difficult when you're on the spot, 0:54:55.640 --> 0:54:57.719 and you're probably gonna be biased by that person too, 0:54:57.840 --> 0:55:00.280 especially if it's a partner. You're going to probably probably 0:55:00.320 --> 0:55:02.319 let more slide than you would want to because you 0:55:02.360 --> 0:55:05.160 love them and you have this emotional relationship. So you 0:55:05.239 --> 0:55:07.320 need to decide from the get go. Don't get sucked 0:55:07.320 --> 0:55:10.200 in on the spot. Don't tell yourself if he does 0:55:10.239 --> 0:55:12.399 this one more time, I'm leaving. I swear to God 0:55:12.440 --> 0:55:14.399 one more time, only for him to do it again. 0:55:14.400 --> 0:55:16.840 And then you're like, Okay, that's cool, cutie. What do 0:55:16.880 --> 0:55:17.480 you want for dinner? 0:55:17.640 --> 0:55:19.480 Yeah, you know, I'll work through it a second time 0:55:19.520 --> 0:55:20.520 for me, once, for me twice. 0:55:20.600 --> 0:55:22.719 It's like Laura, She's like, I would work through it 0:55:22.719 --> 0:55:25.000 the first time, but you probably know that your boundary 0:55:25.040 --> 0:55:26.200 is if he did that again. 0:55:26.040 --> 0:55:27.640 Oh my god, his ass would be on the curve. 0:55:29.680 --> 0:55:31.440 But yeah no, And that's what I mean. You can 0:55:31.520 --> 0:55:33.839 have a behavior or something can be broken once because 0:55:33.840 --> 0:55:36.000 we're human, you know, we all make mistakes. We're all 0:55:36.000 --> 0:55:38.719 gonna accidentally not the cheating as an accident. You know, 0:55:38.760 --> 0:55:40.920 you don't accidentally fall into another human, but you know 0:55:40.920 --> 0:55:41.120 if you. 0:55:41.160 --> 0:55:45.719 Accidentally fall on their dick, Laura didn't mean to. It's 0:55:45.760 --> 0:55:46.719 not that they're accidents. 0:55:46.719 --> 0:55:49.600 But we all make bad choices at different points in 0:55:49.600 --> 0:55:51.359 our life, and we can all put on too much 0:55:51.520 --> 0:55:53.640 pressure onto our friends. We can all expect too much 0:55:53.640 --> 0:55:56.560 of other people because we all have the propensity to 0:55:56.600 --> 0:55:59.360 be a little bit selfish at times. But if someone 0:55:59.400 --> 0:56:01.880 is continuous doing it, then you have to figure out 0:56:01.920 --> 0:56:03.719 what your consequences are. And you know that is a 0:56:03.800 --> 0:56:05.759 very clear cut, black and white one. But what if 0:56:05.800 --> 0:56:08.000 it's a situation where it's with your friend, for example, 0:56:08.000 --> 0:56:11.279 and maybe your friend is just super emotionally draining and 0:56:11.320 --> 0:56:14.520 they are constantly coming to you and expecting so much 0:56:14.560 --> 0:56:17.120 of you and your time, and it's a very intense 0:56:17.160 --> 0:56:19.839 and all encompassing friendship that you're not getting a lot 0:56:19.840 --> 0:56:22.560 out of anymore, But you feel indebted to say yes 0:56:22.640 --> 0:56:24.960 to you because you're worried about what impact it would 0:56:25.000 --> 0:56:25.520 have on your friend. 0:56:25.560 --> 0:56:28.040 If it's a long distance relationship, I'm sorry that I've 0:56:28.040 --> 0:56:31.160 been unloaded on you. No this is not you, Ji. 0:56:31.239 --> 0:56:33.080 If you have a situation with a friend like that, 0:56:33.280 --> 0:56:35.160 the consequences aren't going to be that you're going to 0:56:35.200 --> 0:56:37.560 break up with your friend, but the consequences might be 0:56:37.640 --> 0:56:40.400 that you sit down, you have an open conversation. Honestly, 0:56:40.600 --> 0:56:43.480 conversations are usually the consequence that happens when about it 0:56:43.520 --> 0:56:45.760 is being broken. You sit down, you have a conversation, 0:56:45.840 --> 0:56:47.800 and you explain why you're feeling the way you're feeling, 0:56:48.040 --> 0:56:50.360 and what you need as a friend in order to 0:56:50.360 --> 0:56:52.680 get back to being in a place where you feel comfortable. 0:56:52.880 --> 0:56:55.440 And that could be pushing back, saying no and saying look, 0:56:55.440 --> 0:56:57.640 you know, I'm really sorry, but you're expecting too much 0:56:57.680 --> 0:56:57.880 of me. 0:56:58.280 --> 0:57:00.080 So the next up is just to make sure that 0:57:00.360 --> 0:57:02.080 once you set your boundaries, once you know what the 0:57:02.120 --> 0:57:04.360 consequences are, the next thing is to make sure that 0:57:04.360 --> 0:57:07.160 you actually follow through them. Now, even if I'm only 0:57:07.160 --> 0:57:10.520 going back to Lauren Matt's example, because it's consistent, it's 0:57:10.560 --> 0:57:12.520 just match cheated on her. She's like, cool, I know 0:57:12.560 --> 0:57:14.479 my boundary is that I'll work through that. Matt cheats. 0:57:14.480 --> 0:57:16.520 He on her again. She knows that that was her 0:57:16.920 --> 0:57:19.600 hard no boundary, so she needs to follow through that 0:57:19.720 --> 0:57:23.200 and leave, so she says it's over. I'm done. Even 0:57:23.240 --> 0:57:24.760 if they then go and work it out at a 0:57:24.800 --> 0:57:29.440 later point, he knows that that definitely was the hard no, 0:57:29.640 --> 0:57:31.440 Like she's I can't walk all over anymore because she 0:57:31.480 --> 0:57:33.360 I did actually nearly lose her. And I mean, this 0:57:33.520 --> 0:57:35.280 is a bad example, but I'm just trying to say 0:57:35.280 --> 0:57:37.720 that you one hundred percent need to follow through. You 0:57:37.760 --> 0:57:39.520 can't put an empty thread out to someone. If you 0:57:39.560 --> 0:57:41.400 do it again, it's done, and then it's not done. 0:57:41.520 --> 0:57:43.360 All that does is set a precedent that you can 0:57:43.360 --> 0:57:45.400 be walked all over and that you are a doormat. 0:57:45.680 --> 0:57:47.560 Conversely to that, it is one thing for us to 0:57:47.560 --> 0:57:49.160 say that you do have to have boundaries, but it's 0:57:49.200 --> 0:57:51.640 another thing to say that you still do have to 0:57:51.640 --> 0:57:53.680 be a bit flexible and be able to meet people 0:57:53.720 --> 0:57:55.760 halfway sometimes. And I'm going to give you an example 0:57:55.760 --> 0:57:57.640 of what I mean by this, especially when it's with 0:57:57.720 --> 0:58:01.640 like somebody you love, you might have a boundary, or 0:58:01.880 --> 0:58:05.040 you might say to your partner, I'm very independent. I 0:58:05.080 --> 0:58:08.280 don't need to speak to you every single day. It 0:58:08.320 --> 0:58:10.280 doesn't mean I don't love you anymore, but maybe if 0:58:10.320 --> 0:58:12.800 I don't call you at night, that's okay. It doesn't 0:58:12.840 --> 0:58:15.600 mean anything. If your partner has been through a really 0:58:15.600 --> 0:58:18.880 traumatic event and they say to you, it's really important 0:58:18.920 --> 0:58:20.800 for me that we check in with each other every night, 0:58:21.360 --> 0:58:23.680 that's okay to ben that boundary because that's something that 0:58:23.720 --> 0:58:25.360 you can meet half way. And why can't you just 0:58:25.400 --> 0:58:27.040 call and check in because you know that it helps 0:58:27.080 --> 0:58:29.560 your partner. So it's important to be like, if it 0:58:29.600 --> 0:58:31.720 doesn't actually put you out, and you still have to 0:58:31.800 --> 0:58:33.560 want it, you can't be doing something you don't want. 0:58:33.560 --> 0:58:35.360 If it's not putting you out, to call for five 0:58:35.400 --> 0:58:37.560 minutes and say how are you and check in because 0:58:37.600 --> 0:58:39.439 you know it's going to put your partner at ease, 0:58:39.960 --> 0:58:40.760 then that's okay. 0:58:41.000 --> 0:58:42.600 It's a really funny one, isn't it. Because I think 0:58:42.640 --> 0:58:45.200 one of the like something I struggled with early in 0:58:45.240 --> 0:58:49.560 my relationships was personal space and not personal space for myself, 0:58:49.560 --> 0:58:51.720 but I really struggled with when my partner would want 0:58:51.760 --> 0:58:53.680 personal space. I took it as a defense. I took 0:58:53.720 --> 0:58:55.880 it that they didn't want to be around me, and. 0:58:56.000 --> 0:58:58.479 Which they didn't. But that's not necessarily bad. That's makes 0:58:58.520 --> 0:59:00.360 some good. But they didn't They want to say one 0:59:00.400 --> 0:59:02.600 of the personal space what personal space is. But it's 0:59:02.640 --> 0:59:04.440 not necessarily negative totally. 0:59:04.600 --> 0:59:06.480 But I think it can be offensive and it can 0:59:06.480 --> 0:59:08.720 feel like rejection, but I think it's really. 0:59:08.560 --> 0:59:10.400 Healthy, you know, to have time apart. 0:59:10.440 --> 0:59:12.920 And I guess this is something that I navigated in 0:59:12.920 --> 0:59:15.640 a past relationship. But this all came down to personal boundaries. 0:59:15.880 --> 0:59:17.880 One of my exes wanted to have at least one 0:59:18.000 --> 0:59:21.000 night a week where we weren't together, and he made 0:59:21.000 --> 0:59:23.240 a real point of saying this, and I took that 0:59:23.280 --> 0:59:25.120 as a massive rejection. I was like, we usually have 0:59:25.160 --> 0:59:27.560 a night apart anyway, so like, why do you need 0:59:27.600 --> 0:59:30.000 to make a real point of making sure that I 0:59:30.080 --> 0:59:32.520 know that that's something that you need. And so I 0:59:32.560 --> 0:59:35.080 interpreted it the wrong way. I was also immature. I'll 0:59:35.120 --> 0:59:38.720 own that my reaction to it, my frustration towards him, 0:59:38.720 --> 0:59:41.360 and my own personal hurt towards it, was because one 0:59:41.560 --> 0:59:43.480 I was a bit codependent at that point in my life. 0:59:43.520 --> 0:59:46.880 We've talked about it loads my own frustrations and pentap anxieties. 0:59:47.280 --> 0:59:50.280 I was codependent. I took that as rejection, and I 0:59:50.320 --> 0:59:53.960 didn't understand that he was just exercising an absolute right 0:59:54.040 --> 0:59:55.640 that he has, which is to put in place some 0:59:55.680 --> 0:59:58.280 personal boundaries and say, you know, I need some personal time. 0:59:58.440 --> 0:59:59.800 It wasn't like he was saying I need a night 0:59:59.800 --> 1:00:01.680 to mine because I want to go on Tinder and 1:00:01.720 --> 1:00:03.400 hook up with other chicks. He was just like, I 1:00:03.440 --> 1:00:05.880 literally want tonight to myself, to do my washing, to 1:00:05.920 --> 1:00:07.520 hang out with my housemates, and to just have a 1:00:07.560 --> 1:00:09.520 bit of me time read a book. But I took 1:00:09.560 --> 1:00:13.440 that poorly, and that wasn't a reflection of him setting boundaries. 1:00:13.480 --> 1:00:15.560 That was a reflection of my inability to be able 1:00:15.600 --> 1:00:17.680 to accept them. So that was my issue. 1:00:17.920 --> 1:00:19.720 There is another quote that I really love to in 1:00:19.760 --> 1:00:23.520 regards to doing things for people that you don't want 1:00:23.560 --> 1:00:25.800 to do, and that is that acts of affection and 1:00:25.840 --> 1:00:29.760 interest are only valid if they're performed without expectations. So 1:00:29.840 --> 1:00:32.480 you need to be doing things for people because you 1:00:32.520 --> 1:00:34.520 want to and not because you expect anything else, not 1:00:34.560 --> 1:00:36.480 because you feel like you have to, or you're doing 1:00:36.560 --> 1:00:38.600 it so that they do something back. And I think 1:00:38.600 --> 1:00:40.240 that that's a really important thing because I used to 1:00:40.320 --> 1:00:43.400 do things in my early relationships purely because I wanted 1:00:43.400 --> 1:00:45.440 the same thing back, or I did it because I 1:00:45.440 --> 1:00:47.480 wanted a specific reaction and I had to learn that 1:00:47.520 --> 1:00:50.000 you can't always control people's reactions and what they're going 1:00:50.040 --> 1:00:51.960 to give back. Now, I do things because I want 1:00:52.000 --> 1:00:53.680 to make people happy, not because I want them to 1:00:53.720 --> 1:00:55.360 give me anything back. And I think that that is 1:00:55.400 --> 1:00:56.840 a really, really powerful statement. 1:00:57.120 --> 1:00:59.200 The last thing I want to say on this whole topic, 1:00:59.320 --> 1:01:00.840 and we talked about this a little bit on the 1:01:00.840 --> 1:01:03.480 Anxiety Yet, which is the last episode we did. Everything 1:01:03.560 --> 1:01:06.680 gets easier the more that you exercise it. So if 1:01:06.720 --> 1:01:10.360 you're somebody who really struggles with asserting what your boundaries are, 1:01:11.280 --> 1:01:14.120 every single time you flex that muscle just a little 1:01:14.120 --> 1:01:16.320 bit and then just a little bit more, and every 1:01:16.320 --> 1:01:20.400 time you have those awkward and sometimes confrontational conversations which 1:01:20.400 --> 1:01:22.360 don't need to be confrontational, but they can feel like 1:01:22.440 --> 1:01:25.560 confrontation for someone who really avoids it. Every single time 1:01:25.600 --> 1:01:29.320 you say no, or you put up a boundary or 1:01:29.360 --> 1:01:31.600 you stand up for yourself, which is essentially what having 1:01:31.640 --> 1:01:34.240 a boundary is, you stand up for yourself, you make 1:01:34.280 --> 1:01:36.240 it a little bit easier to do it the next time. 1:01:36.480 --> 1:01:39.520 And you also, by doing that, invest in your own 1:01:39.600 --> 1:01:41.960 self worth, because you're saying by doing that, you're saying, 1:01:42.240 --> 1:01:44.520 I won't be treated like this because I'm worthy to 1:01:44.520 --> 1:01:47.640 be treated better than this. So then it's a feed loop. 1:01:47.680 --> 1:01:50.600 Well that person goes, ah, okay, well I'll treat you better. 1:01:50.880 --> 1:01:53.160 So one you're getting more respect from that person, You're 1:01:53.160 --> 1:01:56.120 being treated better by that person, and you feel good 1:01:56.160 --> 1:01:58.439 about yourself because you have stood up for that little 1:01:58.440 --> 1:02:01.520 person inside who deserves to be defended. That is like 1:02:01.600 --> 1:02:05.840 the perfect little round, wholesome what's it called circle of life? 1:02:06.240 --> 1:02:07.680 Of boundaries and self worth? 1:02:07.720 --> 1:02:10.520 Well, we've spoken about the connection between self worth and 1:02:10.680 --> 1:02:13.360 setting boundaries and relationships. So we have put a little 1:02:13.440 --> 1:02:16.600 checklist together that have come from some very very intelligent, 1:02:16.600 --> 1:02:19.160 reliable sources, and it's just a checklist to see, hey, 1:02:19.240 --> 1:02:20.920 do you fall into this category A little bit, just 1:02:20.920 --> 1:02:23.040 something for you to really have a little think about yourself. 1:02:23.960 --> 1:02:27.200 Difficulties setting and maintaining boundaries due to fear or guilt, 1:02:27.560 --> 1:02:32.280 feeling too apologetic and you're not sure why, excessive neediness 1:02:32.320 --> 1:02:35.360 which I have fallen into before, allowing yourself to be 1:02:35.480 --> 1:02:38.920 put upon or burdened by other people, taking on too 1:02:38.920 --> 1:02:43.920 many responsibilities and feeling resentful about it. We allowing yourself 1:02:43.960 --> 1:02:46.680 to be controlling or be controlled by others. That's a 1:02:46.680 --> 1:02:49.240 really important one the feeling of like you can't stand 1:02:49.280 --> 1:02:51.360 off yourself and you have to do what everyone tolds 1:02:51.360 --> 1:02:53.120 you to do. That's a really important one. 1:02:53.200 --> 1:02:55.680 Another reflection of low self worth, which is one that 1:02:55.720 --> 1:02:58.560 I think is super important, is this idea of being 1:02:58.920 --> 1:03:02.080 orientated around a scarcity or lack in general. So if 1:03:02.120 --> 1:03:04.280 you're frightened that you're never going to meet someone, if 1:03:04.280 --> 1:03:07.320 you're focus on a scarcity mindset, then you're more inclined 1:03:07.360 --> 1:03:09.240 to have low self worth because you're like, well, I'll 1:03:09.240 --> 1:03:11.960 put up with this behavior because I'll never find something better. 1:03:12.360 --> 1:03:14.600 Another important one is self sabotage, and I think this 1:03:14.640 --> 1:03:17.520 is a really really big one, staining toxic relationships when 1:03:17.560 --> 1:03:19.680 you know if they are toxic deep down, you know, 1:03:20.360 --> 1:03:23.920 and this feeling of emptiness or emotional void and not 1:03:23.920 --> 1:03:24.720 feeling good enough. 1:03:24.920 --> 1:03:26.680 So if you fall into the category of thinking that 1:03:26.800 --> 1:03:29.360 maybe you need to do some work on your self 1:03:29.440 --> 1:03:32.080 esteem and on your self worth, I guess the big 1:03:32.120 --> 1:03:35.200 one and the absolute drive home comment from this, and 1:03:35.240 --> 1:03:36.920 you can put this on an Instagram post, you can 1:03:37.000 --> 1:03:40.280 quote it is that your value is not determined by 1:03:40.280 --> 1:03:42.840 what other people think of you, and your self worth 1:03:42.880 --> 1:03:45.280 is not determined by what other people think of you. 1:03:45.280 --> 1:03:46.840 You need to be able. 1:03:46.600 --> 1:03:49.600 To be confident, and it really comes down to self love, 1:03:49.640 --> 1:03:51.479 which sounds a bit woo woo, but it really does. 1:03:51.520 --> 1:03:53.640 You need to be able to love yourself, to be 1:03:53.680 --> 1:03:55.680 able to put yourself first, and to be able to 1:03:55.720 --> 1:03:58.640 protect and respect yourself. That's like the fundamentals to this. 1:03:59.120 --> 1:04:00.240 But how do you do that? 1:04:00.760 --> 1:04:02.720 I guess one of the biggest ways of getting to 1:04:02.720 --> 1:04:05.440 a point where you really fucking love yourself, and not 1:04:05.480 --> 1:04:07.320 in like an Instagram kind of way, but just in 1:04:07.400 --> 1:04:11.160 like real life kind of way is investing in yourself 1:04:11.400 --> 1:04:14.480 doing things like reading a book, working on maybe a 1:04:14.520 --> 1:04:17.480 business idea that you have, doing things that like aren't 1:04:17.560 --> 1:04:19.240 for other people, and at the end of the day, 1:04:19.280 --> 1:04:20.960 the value add that you're going to get back is 1:04:21.120 --> 1:04:24.040 entirely for yourself. None of that is selfish. Maybe it's 1:04:24.080 --> 1:04:26.400 simple thing like going for a run or setting yourself 1:04:26.400 --> 1:04:27.080 a new goal. 1:04:27.360 --> 1:04:28.680 I remember, like she Sherry. 1:04:28.520 --> 1:04:30.720 Your sister Britz, said she couldn't run, and then she 1:04:30.800 --> 1:04:32.439 set her goal that she wanted to run a half 1:04:32.520 --> 1:04:34.680 marathonal or whatever it is. But it's like this sense 1:04:34.720 --> 1:04:37.840 of self achievement that comes from setting yourself a goal 1:04:37.960 --> 1:04:40.240 and being able to achieve that. So it's like celebrating 1:04:40.240 --> 1:04:43.520 the small wins for yourself as well, but really trying 1:04:43.520 --> 1:04:47.120 new experiences, pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and 1:04:47.200 --> 1:04:50.240 doing things solely for yourself is how you invest in 1:04:50.240 --> 1:04:51.600 your self worth totally. 1:04:51.640 --> 1:04:54.160 And another one that's really this seems like a really 1:04:54.160 --> 1:04:56.520 basic and simple one, but it's remembering that no one 1:04:56.600 --> 1:04:59.400 is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Because a really big 1:05:00.120 --> 1:05:02.640 reason behind you feeling like you're not good enough is 1:05:02.680 --> 1:05:05.240 because you think that everyone else is kicking goals and 1:05:05.280 --> 1:05:07.200 you're not, and that you're the only human in the 1:05:07.240 --> 1:05:09.800 world that can't achieve something or is making a mistake. 1:05:10.000 --> 1:05:12.600 You're just really too hard on yourself. So always remember 1:05:13.160 --> 1:05:15.680 any person that you see that you think is kicking goals, 1:05:16.000 --> 1:05:18.360 they have gone through a lot of failures. First. Every 1:05:18.400 --> 1:05:20.480 person that is successful, every person in the world that 1:05:20.560 --> 1:05:23.600 is successful, has failed previously. So don't be so hard 1:05:23.600 --> 1:05:25.280 on yourself. Oh man, I had this the other day 1:05:25.360 --> 1:05:26.400 right put it on Instagram. 1:05:26.440 --> 1:05:28.360 I was like, we had some people coming over to 1:05:28.400 --> 1:05:30.080 do some filming at our house and like Britt will 1:05:30.080 --> 1:05:32.800 attest to this, my house is a freaking bombshell. Like 1:05:32.840 --> 1:05:36.240 it constantly is a fucking mess. I cannot keep it clean. 1:05:36.720 --> 1:05:40.080 We will clean it, It'll be perfect for like five hours, 1:05:40.160 --> 1:05:41.560 and then by the end of the day it's a 1:05:41.600 --> 1:05:44.760 mess again. And I see other people on Instagram and 1:05:44.800 --> 1:05:46.800 I play the comparison game and I see what other 1:05:46.840 --> 1:05:50.520 people's houses look like, and I think I'm so useless, 1:05:50.560 --> 1:05:54.080 Like I'm embarrassed by our home. And then I think, 1:05:54.240 --> 1:05:55.800 you know what, if I feel like this, I'm sure 1:05:55.840 --> 1:05:57.400 lots of other people feel like this, and I put 1:05:57.400 --> 1:05:59.640 that on my stories and like the amount of people 1:05:59.640 --> 1:06:01.480 who wrote back to me are the mums who are 1:06:01.480 --> 1:06:04.080 in similar situations with young kids, who are like, girlfriend, 1:06:04.200 --> 1:06:07.600 I hear you, But this was something, and it's so small, 1:06:07.800 --> 1:06:11.680 but it really impacts my feeling of being worthy. Like 1:06:11.720 --> 1:06:13.680 this fact that I can't keep a clean house makes 1:06:13.680 --> 1:06:16.080 me feel really useless and it's something that gets me 1:06:16.160 --> 1:06:18.720 down constantly, and it makes me not want to have 1:06:18.720 --> 1:06:20.400 people over, Like I don't want people to come to 1:06:20.400 --> 1:06:22.240 my house because I'm scared of being judged by them. 1:06:22.480 --> 1:06:24.320 Our producer tried to come over the other day and 1:06:24.360 --> 1:06:26.560 Laura's like, naht my veto, we know you can't come 1:06:26.560 --> 1:06:28.280 to my house. She's like we're not there yet. No, 1:06:28.320 --> 1:06:30.040 we're not that close to friends. Brick can come over. 1:06:30.160 --> 1:06:31.880 She's sitting in the bedroom right now. That's where we 1:06:31.920 --> 1:06:34.439 are at in our relationship. But it's like, I don't 1:06:34.440 --> 1:06:36.640 get myself worth from cleaning my house. That's not what 1:06:36.720 --> 1:06:39.400 makes me feel good about myself. I have other things 1:06:39.400 --> 1:06:41.560 that really attribute to my self worth and make me 1:06:41.600 --> 1:06:43.200 feel proud of the things that I can do. And 1:06:43.240 --> 1:06:45.680 I think for every single person it's different. Maybe for 1:06:45.720 --> 1:06:47.920 you it is keeping clean house. Maybe that is something 1:06:47.960 --> 1:06:51.360 that really makes you feel like you're kicking some fucking 1:06:51.360 --> 1:06:53.840 goals in your life, and that's great. For me, it's 1:06:53.920 --> 1:06:55.920 spending time with my kids and doing business stuff. It's 1:06:55.960 --> 1:06:57.720 just every single person is different, so you have to 1:06:57.720 --> 1:06:59.800 figure out what works for you, But you also have 1:06:59.800 --> 1:07:01.560 to figure out your triggers. What is it that makes 1:07:01.600 --> 1:07:03.480 you feel a bit worthless? What is it that makes 1:07:03.520 --> 1:07:06.040 you feel like you're not good enough? And then when 1:07:06.080 --> 1:07:09.800 you're experiencing that, acknowledge, Okay, this is something that I 1:07:09.880 --> 1:07:13.160 don't have nailed, and maybe the comparison game is making 1:07:13.160 --> 1:07:15.120 me feel bad because other people are good at this, 1:07:15.280 --> 1:07:17.360 but you are not going to be good at everything 1:07:17.360 --> 1:07:19.400 in life. Girlfriend, and it is okay if your house 1:07:19.480 --> 1:07:21.920 is covered in shit, not physical shit, that would be 1:07:22.080 --> 1:07:22.920 very hygienic. 1:07:22.960 --> 1:07:24.600 But you know what, you know what I mean. But 1:07:24.920 --> 1:07:26.720 just I just want to finish it off by saying 1:07:26.800 --> 1:07:30.000 that probably the most important thing is surrounding yourself with 1:07:30.040 --> 1:07:32.760 good people, being in a good relationship, having good friends 1:07:32.760 --> 1:07:36.440 around you, having good work colleagues around you, and controlling 1:07:36.440 --> 1:07:38.680 what you can change. So, if you know that you're 1:07:38.760 --> 1:07:40.520 keeping people around you that are no good for you, 1:07:40.600 --> 1:07:42.560 maybe that's your partner. Maybe deep down you know you're 1:07:42.560 --> 1:07:46.080 in this toxic relationship. You can't ever expect a change 1:07:46.400 --> 1:07:49.720 without changing. So the definition of insanity, as we all know, 1:07:50.080 --> 1:07:52.800 is expecting a different outcome but not doing anything different 1:07:53.000 --> 1:07:55.640 along the way. So, if you know there is someone 1:07:55.680 --> 1:07:58.320 in particular, a few people, a group of people, an 1:07:58.480 --> 1:08:01.000 environment that is not good for you, and he's putting 1:08:01.040 --> 1:08:03.240 you down and making you feel shitty, if there is 1:08:03.280 --> 1:08:05.160 an option for you to change that, which I'd be 1:08:05.280 --> 1:08:07.480 very surprised if there's not, then you should look at 1:08:07.520 --> 1:08:12.360 taking that. Okay, guys, you know we never finished an 1:08:12.360 --> 1:08:14.640 episode without our suck and our sweet a highlight, our 1:08:14.640 --> 1:08:16.920 lowlight of the week, and I'm going to kick it off. 1:08:17.600 --> 1:08:21.559 I have two socks this week. That is cheating. They 1:08:21.560 --> 1:08:25.439 happened on the same morning. Yeah, okay, yesterday, two sucks one. 1:08:25.520 --> 1:08:29.120 I'm a coffee downer. Two sucks you but no, but 1:08:29.160 --> 1:08:30.839 they're dumb sucks, like they're stupid. 1:08:30.880 --> 1:08:32.800 All right, right, it'll be same more. It was the 1:08:32.840 --> 1:08:34.560 same day I woke up in the morning. I'm a 1:08:34.600 --> 1:08:36.840 coffee fiend. I love coffee. I've got a little coffee 1:08:36.880 --> 1:08:39.639 machine at home, which I've to be fair, I've probably 1:08:39.680 --> 1:08:43.080 abused it. It broke. I got up one of my 1:08:43.080 --> 1:08:45.000 coffee and it broke, and I was devastated because it's 1:08:45.000 --> 1:08:47.040 not that old. So that was my first suck. It 1:08:47.080 --> 1:08:48.880 probably is under a year. It probably has a warranty, 1:08:48.880 --> 1:08:50.160 but I can't bother to deal with that. 1:08:50.200 --> 1:08:52.240 However, does it come down to the length of time 1:08:52.360 --> 1:08:54.240 or the amount of coffees? Because like, I've had my 1:08:54.280 --> 1:08:56.000 coffee machine for a year and it's been used about 1:08:56.000 --> 1:08:56.479 ten times. 1:08:56.800 --> 1:08:59.400 Are you serious? I find to the cows. Come on now. 1:08:59.439 --> 1:09:01.559 I really like buying coffee. I mean I do that too. 1:09:01.600 --> 1:09:04.120 I really like going to a I like the experience 1:09:04.160 --> 1:09:06.000 of getting a coffee. So I bought a coffee machine 1:09:06.040 --> 1:09:07.800 during COVID, thinking that I would use it, and then 1:09:07.840 --> 1:09:10.120 I realized, no, I just like getting coffee from cafe. 1:09:10.200 --> 1:09:13.400 Oh, I use mine daily anyway. My second sak is, 1:09:13.479 --> 1:09:15.680 if you guys follow me on the gram, you know 1:09:15.720 --> 1:09:17.680 that I'm a bit of whilt. I'm a coffee fine. 1:09:17.680 --> 1:09:20.519 I'm a bit of a plant fiend. Like I love plants. 1:09:20.560 --> 1:09:22.760 I have heaps and plants in my house. And I 1:09:22.800 --> 1:09:25.600 have this beautiful big it was probably too big for 1:09:25.640 --> 1:09:28.760 my apartment, but this beautiful big palm in my lound trip. 1:09:28.880 --> 1:09:32.280 It is a gorgeous plant. What was gorgeous? Oh dear. 1:09:33.040 --> 1:09:37.160 I also have a very very freezing apartment. It's not insulated, 1:09:37.280 --> 1:09:40.800 the windows don't even close properly, and it's so cold. 1:09:40.960 --> 1:09:43.920 So I got a heater. I put the heater on. Well, no, 1:09:44.160 --> 1:09:48.800 and I didn't realize the heater was under the farm. 1:09:49.120 --> 1:09:51.240 You know when you're younger and you get those like 1:09:51.280 --> 1:09:53.040 twisty the little chips, and you put them in the 1:09:53.080 --> 1:09:55.160 oven and they shrivel into like a mini packet, and 1:09:55.160 --> 1:09:58.200 then you turn your bird of paradise into a keyp ring. Yeah, 1:09:58.240 --> 1:10:00.519 that's what I did. It like shriveled the whole palm up. 1:10:00.520 --> 1:10:02.719 It's hurled in on itself like a little hermit crab, 1:10:02.760 --> 1:10:05.560 and I'm devastated because it was I was really expensive, 1:10:05.760 --> 1:10:07.200 but with my pride and joy, it was like the 1:10:07.200 --> 1:10:08.639 best thing I've ever done in my life was keep 1:10:08.680 --> 1:10:09.280 this palm lot. 1:10:09.400 --> 1:10:11.080 That's when you know that you're a real adult, when 1:10:11.080 --> 1:10:13.719 you're like pride and enjoy is having plant babies. Honestly, 1:10:13.840 --> 1:10:15.479 like people walk in and they're like, oh my god, 1:10:15.520 --> 1:10:17.080 I love your plants, and it just gives you this 1:10:17.160 --> 1:10:19.800 real sense of like accomplishment. You're like, I know, I'm 1:10:19.800 --> 1:10:22.120 an adult that has my shit together. Look at my plants. 1:10:22.160 --> 1:10:24.040 I've admitted defeat. I'm old. 1:10:24.200 --> 1:10:26.320 There we well not anymore because you managed to fuck 1:10:26.360 --> 1:10:28.240 this one up. So then that means that you're retaining 1:10:28.240 --> 1:10:30.640 your youth. Only twenty year olds kill their plants, all right, 1:10:30.680 --> 1:10:31.240 what's yours? 1:10:31.320 --> 1:10:36.040 Okay? I have one one aage. I'm sticking to the rules. 1:10:36.040 --> 1:10:38.439 So I suck this week is that Marley is still 1:10:38.439 --> 1:10:39.000 not sleeping. 1:10:39.520 --> 1:10:41.160 It's making it's making everything. 1:10:41.200 --> 1:10:43.760 It's making everyday jobs very hard, running on like four 1:10:43.760 --> 1:10:45.960 hours sleep, and we have a newborn. I would think 1:10:45.960 --> 1:10:48.000 that the newborn should be responsible for that, But no, 1:10:48.040 --> 1:10:51.559 the toddler doesn't sleep anyway. That's my suck, the lack 1:10:51.600 --> 1:10:53.960 of sleep. I think last night I got up seven 1:10:54.080 --> 1:10:57.000 times in six hours. 1:10:57.000 --> 1:11:02.200 Gross seeing stars. It's so you look good though you 1:11:02.280 --> 1:11:04.640 have kids. Kids are a great idea, like if you 1:11:04.720 --> 1:11:06.760 really want to get to the best contraception for me. 1:11:08.960 --> 1:11:11.400 Okay, No, I think Molly's actually getting her molars, which 1:11:11.439 --> 1:11:13.519 would explain why she's been awake like a million times. 1:11:13.520 --> 1:11:14.760 Anyway, Okay, my. 1:11:14.920 --> 1:11:17.680 Sweet is that my sister is a labor and she 1:11:17.920 --> 1:11:20.480 just messaged me to say that she is getting contractions 1:11:20.520 --> 1:11:22.080 now after her water's broke. 1:11:22.200 --> 1:11:23.160 You better get the hell out of here. 1:11:23.240 --> 1:11:25.240 Today is her due date, so she will be having 1:11:25.240 --> 1:11:27.040 a baby in a few hours, which is great. 1:11:27.160 --> 1:11:30.240 We're gonna go to them having a baby that is here. 1:11:30.280 --> 1:11:31.800 We've got to get Laura to the hospital so she 1:11:31.800 --> 1:11:32.879 can deliver a baby. 1:11:33.080 --> 1:11:35.080 Also, I just want to say thank you to everybody 1:11:35.080 --> 1:11:37.479 who has left a review recently. You guys are amazing 1:11:37.600 --> 1:11:40.439 some of the reviews. I was in tears reading the 1:11:40.439 --> 1:11:43.839 reviews the other day, which sounds I'm hormonal, I'm breast deprivation. 1:11:44.040 --> 1:11:46.920 It's a lot going on, but to know how much 1:11:47.120 --> 1:11:49.639 this podcasts has made an impact in some people's lives 1:11:49.960 --> 1:11:52.479 really means the absolute world to Brittan Night. I mean, 1:11:52.520 --> 1:11:53.960 as much as we're here to bring the moles and 1:11:53.960 --> 1:11:56.720 bring the funny stories, we really hope that and we 1:11:56.800 --> 1:12:00.080 really appreciate how much you guys appreciate the fact that 1:12:00.120 --> 1:12:02.000 we do a lot of research for these podcast episodes 1:12:02.040 --> 1:12:03.280 and we put a lot of time and energy and 1:12:03.320 --> 1:12:05.120 love into it because it means the world to us 1:12:05.160 --> 1:12:05.880 to be able to do this. 1:12:06.240 --> 1:12:07.760 Yeah, and we do want to make a difference. So 1:12:07.840 --> 1:12:09.320 when you guys tell us that it does make a 1:12:09.320 --> 1:12:11.880 difference in some way, which we actually got so many 1:12:11.920 --> 1:12:14.640 of you writing after the anxiety episode, which we we 1:12:14.760 --> 1:12:17.040 just loved because that was important to us to do 1:12:17.080 --> 1:12:19.080 that in a really good way, in an effective way 1:12:19.120 --> 1:12:21.200 and do it justice. So thank you so much to 1:12:21.200 --> 1:12:23.040 everyone that wading in. We love you, We love that 1:12:23.120 --> 1:12:24.000 you love us. 1:12:24.360 --> 1:12:27.280 That was weird that jump onto the Instagram which is 1:12:27.280 --> 1:12:29.800 at Life Uncut Podcast, Jump onto Facebook which is also 1:12:29.880 --> 1:12:33.879 a Life Uncut podcast group. And you know the drill, 1:12:33.880 --> 1:12:35.400 Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell 1:12:35.400 --> 1:12:37.240 you cousin, t fish, tell you frog too. We'll just 1:12:37.280 --> 1:12:39.000 tell everybody and share the love because 1:12:39.400 --> 1:12:40.280 We love love