Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 1: I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and we have to make today's
Speaker 1: episode snappy because currently my sister is in labor. I know,
Speaker 1: it's so exciting, okay, and I just want to really
Speaker 1: reiterate our dedication, but specifically Laura's dedication to you guys
Speaker 1: in this podcast.
Speaker 2: I went to an early gym class and I get
Speaker 2: a message from Laura being like, oh, my god, my
Speaker 2: sister is in labor, and in my mind, I was like,
Speaker 2: oh cool, we're going to have to put this episode
Speaker 2: on hold for a couple of days. I thought that's
Speaker 2: where she was going with it, because we were recording
Speaker 2: in two hours. So I wrote back on my god, congratulations,
Speaker 2: what do you want to do about the pod? Then
Speaker 2: when you want to reschedule it, she's like, oh, no,
Speaker 2: we need to bring the episode. We always record this.
Speaker 1: On a Monday, and obviously it comes out on a Tuesday,
Speaker 1: and she's in labor. And what we've had to do
Speaker 1: this time around. So I was at the birth of
Speaker 1: my nephew for the first time that my sister had
Speaker 1: a kid, and this is her second kid, and I
Speaker 1: want to be there when it's coming out. I want
Speaker 1: to be down there at the action end. And you
Speaker 1: can only have one person in the room with you,
Speaker 1: And so at the start she was like, so do.
Speaker 2: I have my husband or do I have Laura.
Speaker 1: But now they've kind of changed things a little bit
Speaker 1: with COVID and you can have your partner, your birthing partner,
Speaker 1: and you can also have a duela.
Speaker 2: So I am pretending that I am a duela. But
Speaker 2: I'm concerned because she's in labor right now and you're here.
Speaker 1: No, her waters have broke, but she's not having contractions yet,
Speaker 1: so she's waiting for them to come on, so she
Speaker 1: would have this baby in the next twenty four hours.
Speaker 2: They do not slide out. I have a friend who's
Speaker 2: slid right out.
Speaker 1: These people who have babies that slide right out set
Speaker 1: an unrealistic expectation on what birth is.
Speaker 2: They don't call it labor for nothing. I mean, that's
Speaker 2: my expectation. Now I want to slide right out.
Speaker 1: I just think I'm like, not the person that you
Speaker 1: should have as a duela, Like I'm going to be
Speaker 1: her woo girl. Like I'm like, you can do it.
Speaker 1: But I'm also all for the drugs. I feel like
Speaker 1: duelas are mostly there to try and help you breathe
Speaker 1: a baby out. Whereas the doctor comes in and my
Speaker 1: sister wants to do it natural, she does not want
Speaker 1: to have an epidurol. The doctor will come in and
Speaker 1: be like, so, you know, have you thought about your epidurol?
Speaker 1: And it's kind of like imagine you're at dinner with
Speaker 1: someone and they don't want to have dessert, and the
Speaker 1: waiter comes over, and the waitershit paths where where I'm going?
Speaker 2: Where I'm going with this?
Speaker 1: The waiter comes over and the wai it's like, so
Speaker 1: do you guys want dessert? And one person's like, no,
Speaker 1: I don't, and the other person's like, let's just look.
Speaker 2: At the menu. That's me.
Speaker 1: They're like, do you want to epidural And she's like, no,
Speaker 1: I don't. I'm like, let's just think about it. But
Speaker 1: let's just bring the epi durol over. Maybe we can
Speaker 1: share one.
Speaker 2: Why don't I put the middle in a little bit
Speaker 2: and then we'll decide whether we push. My girlfriend showed
Speaker 2: me some photo she had a baby last week and
Speaker 2: she had it at home in her house in a pool,
Speaker 2: and so she has the dueler come as well, because
Speaker 2: I didn't even know what a duela was. Oh wait,
Speaker 2: this was her first baby, yep, at home, no drugs
Speaker 2: in a pool for her first child, that is aggressive.
Speaker 2: And she showed me. I was like, can I see
Speaker 2: because we're very close, like can I see the photos
Speaker 2: and stuff? And she showed me. I couldn't even look.
Speaker 2: I was like, I work in the theater. The more
Speaker 2: potanm guts and cuts and stuff that I see, the
Speaker 2: more excited I am. Watching the pain on her face
Speaker 2: with his head coming out, and her husband looked like
Speaker 2: he was in more pain than she did. His face
Speaker 2: looked like he was going to be sick. I couldn't.
Speaker 2: I was like, I don't know how you did that.
Speaker 2: I don't know. And because you can't get the drugs
Speaker 2: then even if you change your mind, no, and also
Speaker 2: you can't because you're at your house. But not to
Speaker 2: terrorize anyone who is pregnant or about to go into labor,
Speaker 2: I will say this. So I went to my sister's
Speaker 2: first birth before.
Speaker 1: I was even pregnant with Marley, and it totally changed
Speaker 1: my experience and my expectations around what birth was, if anything,
Speaker 1: I think that most people would assume that they would
Speaker 1: be more frightened after watching birth, but after watching my
Speaker 1: sister give birth to my nephew, it made me less
Speaker 1: frightened about birth. I was like, Oh, that's how it works.
Speaker 1: They kind of come out a bit triangle. That makes sense,
Speaker 1: like the head is like a cone. So it really
Speaker 1: just kind of took a lot of the fear out
Speaker 1: of it for me. But anyway, she is in labor
Speaker 1: to get this episode underway.
Speaker 2: There's been a lot happening as well. Guys.
Speaker 1: Maths was on last night. Like I said, we're recording
Speaker 1: this Monday, it'll come out tomorrow. That we sat through
Speaker 1: the absolute shit storm, fire of surprises that was Maths.
Speaker 2: What I did. Britain hasn't watched it yet. I've done
Speaker 2: my cats up this morning and Laura and I have
Speaker 2: just been in hysterics. I actually can't believe. How like,
Speaker 2: when you think that that show couldn't possibly get any
Speaker 2: worse or any more toxic or any more lava filled,
Speaker 2: it does. It goes out and it trumps itself every
Speaker 2: single week, and it's actually almost laughable. I look at
Speaker 2: the show now and I'm laughing because I'm like this
Speaker 2: is actually the fact, the fact that we're such sickos
Speaker 2: that want to watch this and encourage these TV shows
Speaker 2: is baffling to me.
Speaker 1: There was a lot going on in last night's episode,
Speaker 1: and I mean, firstly, the whole Beck trying to cover
Speaker 1: up her affair by saying that she was kissing her brother.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of you, like, you know what, an
Speaker 1: affair is one thing, but an affair with your brother
Speaker 1: is a whole other thing.
Speaker 2: To deal with. I love that she thinks that that
Speaker 2: is the fact that she saying an incestrous affair is
Speaker 2: better excuse than saying I just kissed someone is actually ridiculous.
Speaker 1: Because like the first time, it was so easy to
Speaker 1: miss what was actually being played on the screen, Like
Speaker 1: it was so easy to kind of go like, I
Speaker 1: mean I missed it the first time. I was too
Speaker 1: busy looking at the manhole thinking someone was going to
Speaker 1: climb through it, so I kind of miss what was
Speaker 1: happening in the corner of the screen. So maybe she
Speaker 1: missed a bit of it and she was like, oh, oh,
Speaker 1: it was my brother. But then when you listen back,
Speaker 1: she's like, oh, my baby, it just gets weirder and
Speaker 1: weirder quickly.
Speaker 2: To anyone that didn't watch it. Long, long story short,
Speaker 2: Beck had to leave the show really quickly for a
Speaker 2: couple of weeks to go and look after a sick dog.
Speaker 2: While she was away, they were supposed to like record
Speaker 2: different things as they go and send it back to
Speaker 2: the producers for when they come back. So she's come
Speaker 2: back after a couple of weeks. She's handed a phone
Speaker 2: into the producers. But in that time that she was home,
Speaker 2: she was recording something. She's obviously forgotten to turn a
Speaker 2: phone off. The phone has fallen onto the ground and
Speaker 2: it's got this awkward angle of it shooting up into
Speaker 2: the ceiling. You can see the ceiling. Then in the
Speaker 2: corner you see her making out with a guy. She
Speaker 2: hasn't even known this has happened. She's then given it
Speaker 2: to the producers unknowingly, and they have put her on
Speaker 2: the spot in front of everyone, calling her out for
Speaker 2: like making out with someone, to which she said, oh,
Speaker 2: it was my brother. That is the story.
Speaker 1: Could you imagine being that producer and stumbling across that.
Speaker 2: Little bit of gold, you would be like, fuck, I
Speaker 2: have just made this season. Give me hey rise, Oh
Speaker 2: that they definitely got to pay rise that producer.
Speaker 1: Was it was insane, Like, I mean, that was the
Speaker 1: bombshow that nobody was expecting.
Speaker 2: Everybody wanted.
Speaker 1: There is a little part of me and I read
Speaker 1: a few things this morning that we were a bit
Speaker 1: frightening online with people going to town about Beck. This
Speaker 1: always happens when somebody has behaved so badly and there's
Speaker 1: been terrible decision making and people have been hurt on
Speaker 1: reality TV shows, it always ends up kicking off and
Speaker 1: social media, as we know always. But Booker, who is
Speaker 1: on the experiment as well, she has come out in
Speaker 1: defense of Beck today because of the absolute like vitriol
Speaker 1: that she is experiencing. And I guess sometimes as much
Speaker 1: as what it was wildly entertaining entertainment and also something
Speaker 1: that I think finally people had their like, oh I
Speaker 1: knew I didn't. I knew there was something that you
Speaker 1: were hiding. You know that people kind of felt validated
Speaker 1: and their reasons for not liking Beck along throughout the
Speaker 1: series because she has treated Jake pretty poorly. But Booker
Speaker 1: has come out and said, I'm not defending the choices
Speaker 1: that Beck made along the way, but please remember that
Speaker 1: she is a human being, complex, flawed, jaded, and sentient,
Speaker 1: just like the rest of us. Beck has had to
Speaker 1: endure a level of cyberbullying and cruelty from the public
Speaker 1: that I cannot even comprehend. Too many mass participants over
Speaker 1: the years have had to endure the same vile and
Speaker 1: often violent online abuse that I am seeing Beck receive.
Speaker 1: The lasting impact this cruelty can have on them is
Speaker 1: utterly fucked. And I read that today and I think
Speaker 1: that sometimes it brings you back down to reality and
Speaker 1: you go, Okay, you know what, Yes, it's a show.
Speaker 1: Yes people make bad decisions. Yes what she did was
Speaker 1: incredibly flawed and incredibly selfish, But does the crime fit
Speaker 1: the punishment? You're doing this cheating on such a huge scale.
Speaker 1: Most people just cheating their day to day and a
Speaker 1: few people hate them, and you're not with their brother.
Speaker 1: This is true, But anyway, it's like a good reality
Speaker 1: check that yes, these things have happened, and yes we
Speaker 1: can all have our opinions on it, but is it
Speaker 1: healthy to voice those opinions on social media?
Speaker 2: Probably not. I absolutely agree, And it's the same thing
Speaker 2: with all reality TV shows, The Bachelor. We've all been
Speaker 2: through it, married at first sight, I feel like it's
Speaker 2: probably way worse. But it's never okay to go on
Speaker 2: someone else's page and bully them, give them death threats,
Speaker 2: send them dms. It is completely unacceptable, even if you
Speaker 2: think that in your heart of hearts, that is a
Speaker 2: human on the other end, even if we don't agree
Speaker 2: with what they've done. And I cannot stress this enough,
Speaker 2: don't tag your friends, laughing at in people's faces, don't
Speaker 2: write nasty things to them. For sure, if you want
Speaker 2: to go and have a debrief with your friend, that's okay,
Speaker 2: but it really really does leave a lasting effect. Now,
Speaker 2: having said that, we're not saying that what Beck did
Speaker 2: is okay, and I want to make it clear my
Speaker 2: thoughts and opinions, and that is I'm glad that people
Speaker 2: are out defending Beck as well, but I don't think
Speaker 2: it's okay for a woman to cheat in gas light
Speaker 2: and not a man because she's a woman. I think
Speaker 2: that if we're going to judge someone to one extent,
Speaker 2: that we need to accept that gaslighting is gaslighting. Cheating
Speaker 2: is cheating, whether it comes from a woman or a man,
Speaker 2: and there are obviously circumstances behind that that we have
Speaker 2: to weigh in on, and we do have to know
Speaker 2: and the journey that these guys are going on, I
Speaker 2: can't even imagine the stress. There's a lot that goes
Speaker 2: on behind closed doors that we will never be privy to.
Speaker 2: We just won't know it. Oh yeah, one hundred percent.
Speaker 1: I do think that sometimes we think that, you know,
Speaker 1: gas lighting is a strictly male trait, and it's not.
Speaker 1: And this season has shown us that it does not discriminate.
Speaker 2: Put it that way. Wholes and men are our wholes.
Speaker 1: And we're all a pack of our wholes. Seriously though,
Speaker 1: and I do agree, like I think we can be
Speaker 1: held accountable for those actions, but just to being shown
Speaker 1: on TV and the whole of Australia watching is more
Speaker 1: than enough of an accountability. The last thing the book
Speaker 1: goes on to say, which I thought was just a
Speaker 1: really awesome way. I just haven't heard someone put it
Speaker 1: in such perfect wording. I'm going to read this out.
Speaker 1: It is, if you are trying to make a point
Speaker 1: about morality and core values by posting cruel shit, take
Speaker 1: a moment to reflect on where your own morals and
Speaker 1: core values lie. I thought that that was like a
Speaker 1: really perfect way to sum this up. However, yes, Mass
Speaker 1: is dumps to fire. We all enjoy it, but this
Speaker 1: year it's really shown us a lot of toxic behavior.
Speaker 1: And we have had so many conversations off the back
Speaker 1: of Mass because of the conversations that flow from what
Speaker 1: isn't isn't acceptable in a relationship. And actually, today's podcast episode,
Speaker 1: we're gonna be talking about something which we touch on
Speaker 1: on pretty much all episodes. We talk about boundaries. We
Speaker 1: talk about self worth, we talk about knowing your value
Speaker 1: and standing up for yourself and all this sort of
Speaker 1: who are but we've never actually kind of unpacked what
Speaker 1: does it mean to set boundaries? How does one set boundaries?
Speaker 1: Because it's all fine to say it, but if you're
Speaker 1: somebody who struggles setting boundaries in your life, it's like, yes, great,
Speaker 1: you all keep talking about it, but how the fuck
Speaker 1: do you actually do this? And if you're someone who's
Speaker 1: struggling with your self worth, saying, well, in order to
Speaker 1: feel valued, in order to have boundaries, you need to
Speaker 1: work on your self worth. It's kind of redundant as
Speaker 1: well to have the tools, and it's a bit of
Speaker 1: a mental checklist that we're gonna do, like a health check.
Speaker 1: Think of it like that, on whether or not you
Speaker 1: have good self worth and whether or not you value
Speaker 1: yourself and what you bring to a relationship, and not
Speaker 1: just your romantic relationships, but your relationships with your friends,
Speaker 1: your relationships at work, how you interact with people, how
Speaker 1: you can set boundaries, and how you can increase your
Speaker 1: self worth. That is what we're talking about today. However,
Speaker 1: there's a few things we want to talk about.
Speaker 2: First. I'm coming in hot with some goss. Now, Colton Underwood.
Speaker 2: You may or may not know that name. Colton Underwood
Speaker 2: was I actually remember I was obsessed with him. He
Speaker 2: was so hot. He was a US bachelor a couple
Speaker 2: of years back. Now, to give you a wrap up
Speaker 2: of who he is, he was on season fourteen of
Speaker 2: The Bachelorette in the US, and that's where we sort
Speaker 2: of first met Colton. He was this rugby player. He
Speaker 2: was a virgin, which is why he sort of stood
Speaker 2: out from everyone else, and he was just so hot.
Speaker 2: He was like this all American guy, because I love
Speaker 2: an all American and very Christian.
Speaker 1: So you were like, this guy's so hot and so virgin, Like, ah,
Speaker 1: he's saving himself a marriage makes sense?
Speaker 2: Well, then he went on to start in Bachelor in Paradise.
Speaker 2: I saw America fell in love with him even more,
Speaker 2: and I mean in Australia did too because I loved him.
Speaker 2: Then he went on to be the Bachelor of Season
Speaker 2: twenty three, so he was the be all in indul
Speaker 2: and he ended up falling in love with this girl
Speaker 2: named Cassie Randolph. They had this tumultuous on off relationship
Speaker 2: on The Bachelor, but it was very obvious that he
Speaker 2: was adamant, he was chasing her and he wanted to
Speaker 2: be with her. Then they had this beautiful love story
Speaker 2: that only went on for a little while. They broke up,
Speaker 2: and no one really knew why they broke up. It
Speaker 2: all seemed very g rated to the outside world.
Speaker 1: After they broke up, everyone was like, wow, that's a
Speaker 1: really respectful, kind and amicable breakup. So strange that they
Speaker 1: couldn't make it work.
Speaker 2: And then a couple of days ago on Good Morning America,
Speaker 2: Colton went on and came out as gay.
Speaker 3: I've ran for myself for a long time. I've hated
Speaker 3: myself for a long time, and I'm gay and I
Speaker 3: came to terms with that earlier this year. Have been
Speaker 3: prices seeing it, and the next step in all of
Speaker 3: this was sort of letting people know i'mlike the happiest
Speaker 3: and healthiest I've ever been in my life, and that
Speaker 3: means the world to me.
Speaker 2: So this has sort of left America stunned. And the
Speaker 2: reason we wanted to talk about this was how long
Speaker 2: has he known this? How long has been battling this?
Speaker 2: Everyone wanted to know if he knew when he went
Speaker 2: on the Bachelorette originally and Bachelor in Paradise and the
Speaker 2: ensuing the Bachelor. Was that fair that he did that
Speaker 2: when he knew? Was he trying to work it out?
Speaker 2: But the interesting thing about this and why we want
Speaker 2: to bring it up is, firstly, America is really really
Speaker 2: on his side and praising him for coming out and
Speaker 2: working out who he is and going through that, and
Speaker 2: I think so a we and so everyone should. It's
Speaker 2: really hard to work out your sexuality and who you
Speaker 2: are and what you want. He was obviously battling this
Speaker 2: incredibly with his religious beliefs and coming from a really
Speaker 2: religious family. He did come out and say he did
Speaker 2: not want to be gay, so he thought he was
Speaker 2: fighting that. I read something that he had said which was.
Speaker 2: Someone said to him, why did you go on and
Speaker 2: be the Bachelor if you felt that you could be gay?
Speaker 2: And he said, because I didn't know I was gay
Speaker 2: and I had asked God to direct me. I said,
Speaker 2: I didn't want to be gay. I asked God to
Speaker 2: direct me. Then he was offered the bachelor position. He
Speaker 2: said he honestly thanked God for saying, thank you for
Speaker 2: showing me I'm not gay, and this opportunity is for
Speaker 2: me to meet my female partner. So I can't imagine.
Speaker 2: You know, I've had friends that have battled this in
Speaker 2: the past, and I can't imagine what it feels like
Speaker 2: to be trying to fight who you.
Speaker 1: Are and then also to try and navigate your sexuality
Speaker 1: in a very public forum. We all know that people
Speaker 1: who come off The Bachelor here have notoriety, but in
Speaker 1: the States it's tenfold, Like the series is humongous over
Speaker 1: there and there's millions of eys and millions of people watching.
Speaker 1: There has been conversation about a Netflix series being made
Speaker 1: around Colton Underwood coming out as gay and his self
Speaker 1: exploration his discovery, like how he navigates this part of
Speaker 1: life and what led him to want to talk about
Speaker 1: it openly to cover sort of how he's now living authentically.
Speaker 2: The thing though that is been.
Speaker 1: A little bit problematic around this, and something that's been
Speaker 1: hugely swept under the carpet is that the breakup between
Speaker 1: Cassie Randolph and Colton was not all peaches and roses
Speaker 1: as what we were led to believe. And there were
Speaker 1: articles that came out and statements that came out at
Speaker 1: the end of last year, which was that Colton had
Speaker 1: actually obsessively harassed, stalked, and put a GPS tracker on
Speaker 1: Cassie Randolph's car. So he had also treated her with
Speaker 1: some very frightening, controlling and obsessive behavior, which is also illegal.
Speaker 1: She took out a restraining order against him, and they
Speaker 1: had settled outside of court on all of this. A
Speaker 1: lot of this conversation has been swept under the carpet,
Speaker 1: but there is a petition that started because they're wanting
Speaker 1: to boycott the Netflix series because there is a huge
Speaker 1: group of people who don't think that somebody who has
Speaker 1: been guilty of these offenses towards a woman should be
Speaker 1: given a platform, matter even if it meant that he
Speaker 1: then had to find out his sexuality as a byproduct
Speaker 1: of that. But people shouldn't be hurt in the process.
Speaker 2: That's the thing.
Speaker 1: I think that the question here is like, just because
Speaker 1: he was discovering his sexuality doesn't give a right to stalk, harass,
Speaker 1: and treat a woman in that way. We can't just
Speaker 1: sweep the bad things under the carpet because we're like, oh, great,
Speaker 1: you now know who you are as a person.
Speaker 2: No, And it's pretty obvious that everybody under the sun
Speaker 2: in America wants to get their hands on Colton. They
Speaker 2: want to interview him, they want to make their documentaries
Speaker 2: on him, they want him, want their magazines, they want
Speaker 2: them on their shows. It's almost obvious that he has
Speaker 2: said to them, I will come and interview with you
Speaker 2: if these questions are not asked, if it's not discussed
Speaker 2: about the stalking and the harassment, because it's just literally
Speaker 2: like it didn't happen, which is why we wanted to
Speaker 2: We are so supportive of him coming out. I absolutely
Speaker 2: love that for him, but I think it's really important
Speaker 2: that we don't sweep it under the rug that you know,
Speaker 2: he was stalking and harassing someone that had to take
Speaker 2: out an AVO and he has had one statement. So
Speaker 2: he did address the allegations once, but it was in
Speaker 2: an unaired segment of his Good Morning American, but it
Speaker 2: has made its way out into the world, and he says,
Speaker 2: I made mistakes in the end of that relationship, and
Speaker 2: I ruined the good memories we had by my actions
Speaker 2: and what I did to hold on to me being
Speaker 2: straight because I didn't want to look myself in the mirror.
Speaker 2: For that, I'm extremely sorry.
Speaker 1: Now, No, I hate this statement because I just want
Speaker 1: to way. I feel like that is totally downplaying. You
Speaker 1: can say, yeah, look, I hate that I did things
Speaker 1: because I was struggling. No, there's no onus in that
Speaker 1: statement that says, well, I acknowledged that I stalked, harassed,
Speaker 1: and intimidated a woman and made her feel so frightened
Speaker 1: that she needed to get a restraining order out against
Speaker 1: me because my behavior is completely unacceptable. There's no ownership
Speaker 1: in that statement. And I think that that's the thing
Speaker 1: that's really infuriated some people around this. And I guess
Speaker 1: with coming out as gay and with him doing very
Speaker 1: publicly on Good Morning America, he has been given the
Speaker 1: opportunity to rewrite his narrative and people are really celebrating
Speaker 1: him and heroing him for being so brave to do so,
Speaker 1: but in the process we're forgetting that actually we cannot
Speaker 1: just ignore one thing that's happened, and hurting people doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be a byproduct. And you know what, sometimes
Speaker 1: we are going to hurt people whilst we try and
Speaker 1: figure out who we are and work through our own junk.
Speaker 1: But there has to be some acknowledgment of that hurt
Speaker 1: and there has to be real remorse for it. And
Speaker 1: I don't know, I just feel like it hasn't quite
Speaker 1: made amense. But there's something lacking in this conversation for me.
Speaker 1: I think that it's all become about how wonderful his
Speaker 1: coming out story is, and there hasn't been enough onus.
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, but that coming out story has really
Speaker 1: damaged somebody else.
Speaker 2: Well. There's a man called Brett Viagara and he's part
Speaker 2: of the Bachelor Diversity campaign. He had a great comment
Speaker 2: that he put out to the public. It was first,
Speaker 2: I'm glad to see Colton more at peace and happy
Speaker 2: that he can live more as his true, authentic self.
Speaker 2: I'll always be in support of that, but that does
Speaker 2: not excuse the abusive manipulative and literally illegal stalking behavior
Speaker 2: he displayed in his past relationship, and I think that
Speaker 2: that is votrue and that is really important. People are
Speaker 2: going to support him, But do we support him to
Speaker 2: the level where we give him a whole nother platform.
Speaker 2: I'm not saying we shouldn't. I'm not saying we should.
Speaker 2: I just find it a really interesting conversation and I'm
Speaker 2: actually looking forward to seeing what happens with that and
Speaker 2: where it goes. Yeah, me too.
Speaker 1: I guess the last thing that I want to say
Speaker 1: on this is that I have heard quite and when
Speaker 1: we were doing our research, I did see quite a
Speaker 1: few conversations around this, and there were some conversations going
Speaker 1: back and forth, which was that he absolutely should not
Speaker 1: apologize for the fact that he was figuring out his sexuality.
Speaker 1: And you know, there's been some people posting the question,
Speaker 1: should he apologize to the women who he was dating
Speaker 1: on the show? Should he apologize to his ex fiance
Speaker 1: for leading them on? Basically this was the questioning, And No,
Speaker 1: I don't think that anybody should ever have to apologize
Speaker 1: for their sexuality whatsoever. Like we're all entited to live
Speaker 1: our lives authentically and however long it takes us to
Speaker 1: figure out who we are, that's part of our journey. However,
Speaker 1: if we have casualties along the way because we're figuring
Speaker 1: out our junk and we're taking it out on other people,
Speaker 1: other people are not punching bags to help us figure
Speaker 1: out who who we are. And if that does happen,
Speaker 1: which in this case definitely has, then I think that
Speaker 1: people are owed an apology. And I think, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying this because I'm a martyr by any means,
Speaker 1: Like I have hurt people whilst I have gotten through
Speaker 1: my own personal junk, and I think, in reflection, those
Speaker 1: people deserve apologies.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: It's not like, well, whilst you're hurt, you can do
Speaker 1: whatever you want to other people so long as you
Speaker 1: get to a point of self enlightenment. No, I think
Speaker 1: we're responsible for the damage that we do to other people.
Speaker 1: Imagine having a big fight with.
Speaker 2: Your partner on the street, right and you're swinging your
Speaker 2: arms around and you're having this big argument and then
Speaker 2: you accidentally hit someone and pass it by in the
Speaker 2: head with your hand swinging around manically. You turn around
Speaker 2: and you say sorry, they were a byproduct or you
Speaker 2: figuring your shit out. This is my example. It's like,
Speaker 2: you're not apologizing because you meant to go out and
Speaker 2: hurt them, but you're apologizing because, regardless of your intentions,
Speaker 2: they did get hurt in you figuring your shit out.
Speaker 1: So totally and on a greater scale. You know, people
Speaker 1: have childhood trauma, people have ex relationships trauma, not just
Speaker 1: relative to sexuality. But we're all figuring our shit out,
Speaker 1: all of us, and on different levels and scales of
Speaker 1: what is and isn't traumatic. We're all getting over something
Speaker 1: in life or have gotten to a point where we're
Speaker 1: over it. But the thing is is like we still
Speaker 1: have to be responsible for the impact that we have
Speaker 1: on other people.
Speaker 2: And I'm the first person, one hundred percent to say
Speaker 2: that people make mistakes, people can rewrite their story. People
Speaker 2: can if they own it and get help for whatever
Speaker 2: they're doing, that we don't have to necessarily hold anything
Speaker 2: against those people. What I would like to see one day,
Speaker 2: if this is contradictory to what we've just said, if
Speaker 2: he can come out and say, you know, like I
Speaker 2: was so sorry, I've got help for that, and anything
Speaker 2: else that goes with that, it would be pretty cool.
Speaker 2: To see a gay bachelor. Totally like to have all
Speaker 2: the men there and whether that's him or that's someone else,
Speaker 2: it doesn't matter. But I think that would be especially
Speaker 2: for America where their platform is like millions and millions
Speaker 2: and millions of people, it would be amazing to see
Speaker 2: a gay bachelor.
Speaker 1: The issue with a gay bachelor is how logistically would
Speaker 1: it work? Because if you had a whole heap of
Speaker 1: hot guys and a house.
Speaker 2: But that is but that's the problem, and that's what
Speaker 2: they've openly said before. They're like, it'll be like no
Speaker 2: one wants is that little just pair off in the house.
Speaker 2: But it'd be fun to watch just on from that.
Speaker 1: In regards to the Netflix series, I think we can
Speaker 1: kind of sometimes be very quick to shut something down
Speaker 1: before it's been fully fleshed out or realized. If they
Speaker 1: were to do a Netflix series on Colton's coming out,
Speaker 1: I would hope that that Netflix series encompassed and really
Speaker 1: addressed what happened there.
Speaker 2: I really hope that it isn't.
Speaker 1: Just glorifying or showing how empowered it is for him
Speaker 1: that he's acknowledging who he is as a person, but
Speaker 1: it is also really delving into the dark times and
Speaker 1: what that implication and what that caused. And it does
Speaker 1: cover the fact that he's stalked and harassed, and I
Speaker 1: hope that it covers everything in its completeness and those
Speaker 1: things aren't swept under the carpet because we're so wanting
Speaker 1: to see this empowered coming out story.
Speaker 2: So at Netflix, if you're listening, if you're going to
Speaker 2: do it, do all of it, do it properly. Show
Speaker 2: the good and the bad and the pretty ugly, the
Speaker 2: celebration and the whole journey it took to get there,
Speaker 2: Like put it out in the open that he did
Speaker 2: go through this period, but he has gotten help and
Speaker 2: he's come out on the other side a better person.
Speaker 2: Without all the complexities being discussed, it's problematic, and I
Speaker 2: think that's why people will boycott it. So interesting to.
Speaker 1: See that one Well, I think that is enough from
Speaker 1: us before we get into our favorite part of the episode,
Speaker 1: and that is accidentally unfiltered. Now accidentally unfiltered for anybody
Speaker 1: who is new, is where you guys send in your
Speaker 1: most embarrassing stories and we read them out and we
Speaker 1: all laugh together at you and at your expense, but
Speaker 1: together as a community because we all build each other
Speaker 1: up here at Life I'm Cut.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna start with one of just this little thing
Speaker 2: that happened to me this week. If you're like an
Speaker 2: avid listener of Life I'm Cut, you'll know that this
Speaker 2: happens to me all the time. And you think that
Speaker 2: I would learn from my mistakes, but I don't. I
Speaker 2: often tell you guys about my typos that I do
Speaker 2: when I'm sending out emails to clients or business emails
Speaker 2: or whatever, because I've got I have two laptops. Quite
Speaker 2: often I'm doing two things at once. I've got a
Speaker 2: thousand things in my brain. I type two quickly and
Speaker 2: I don't go back and read it, and I just
Speaker 2: send it. So you all know that I did the
Speaker 2: email a few weeks ago where I went to say
Speaker 2: hello Sian, and I said hello Asian. Her name is Shan, Yeah,
Speaker 2: no bit I A.
Speaker 1: It's I who we work with, and her name is
Speaker 1: Shan Yeah, hey Shanna.
Speaker 2: Know you're listening. It's Irish, but I just say it
Speaker 2: in my head. I read it phonetically, s I A N.
Speaker 2: But anyway, I wanted to just pretend that never happened
Speaker 2: and fall into a hole in the ground. But I
Speaker 2: have done it again, but at least this one was
Speaker 2: more on me. So yesterday I was writing an email
Speaker 2: and my fingers must have been moving too quickly. And
Speaker 2: I always sign off as Britt bri double t. I
Speaker 2: never write Brittany because it's just easier to say Britt
Speaker 2: with a kiss. My fingers must have got a little
Speaker 2: bit excited. I went to write Bri, I dold team
Speaker 2: press end and I went br Enter, but as signed
Speaker 2: off as britt tit like it went bri t t
Speaker 2: I t like. I added an extra and it put
Speaker 2: a when almost brick tit. I was like, what, I
Speaker 2: don't know how I can do this.
Speaker 1: I don't mind regards brit tit, brit tit, have a
Speaker 1: great day with your tits.
Speaker 2: She's gonna think that that's like my nickname. She's the
Speaker 2: next time she gonna write back, she's like, hey, brit
Speaker 2: tit ry brittit. Actually we received.
Speaker 1: Another message just before and I wasn't gonna say this
Speaker 1: as an accidentally unfiltered because it was too brief. So
Speaker 1: somebody had written in with an accidentally unfiltered story, which
Speaker 1: is actually it's a very dark comedy. It's just bordering
Speaker 1: funny but not funny. At the same time, someone had
Speaker 1: passed away and she had replied to this text message.
Speaker 1: So she'd received a message saying, Hey, I'm just letting
Speaker 1: you know this person has passed away, and she went
Speaker 1: to write back, oh god, and all she wrote back
Speaker 1: was oh good and that's and then left it.
Speaker 2: Far. It's like, it's we're laughing. It's not actually funny,
Speaker 2: but it's the most it is the most unfortunate auto
Speaker 2: correct you could have like that situation.
Speaker 1: Do you know what another really unfortunate one is? My
Speaker 1: mum used to think that LOL stood for lots of love,
Speaker 1: and she actually wrote loll at the bottom of somebody's
Speaker 1: really rememorative folko that they had posted, being like, it's
Speaker 1: been a year since blah blah blah passed away, and
Speaker 1: my mum wrote lol.
Speaker 2: I think, why mom, have you sidik? What the fuck
Speaker 2: that makes sense? No, it truly doesn't.
Speaker 1: Anyway, let's get into these accidentally unfiltereds Okay, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go first, and I have a real goody And it
Speaker 1: never ever gets old that as soon as these embarrassing
Speaker 1: things happen to you, guys, you want to send them
Speaker 1: to us like straight away, I live for it. Okay,
Speaker 1: last night I stayed at my friend's house and she
Speaker 1: lives in an apartment. I was so fucking drunk that
Speaker 1: I slept on her couch absolutely starkers, and at some
Speaker 1: point throughout my sleep I decided I needed to get
Speaker 1: up and go to the toilet. Well, let me tell you,
Speaker 1: it all went wrong from here, so I must have
Speaker 1: slept walk to what I thought was the bathroom. But
Speaker 1: to my surprise, I walked out her front door into
Speaker 1: the apartment hallway and was suddenly woken up by the
Speaker 1: slam of her front door. I then realized in that moment,
Speaker 1: I had locked myself out of her apartment butt fucking
Speaker 1: naked and was unable to get back in. I knocked,
Speaker 1: and I knocked, and she couldn't hear me. I needed
Speaker 1: to go to the toilet so bad that I ended
Speaker 1: up going into the bin shoot room and popping a squat.
Speaker 2: Now this isn't the rest of the story. Something to
Speaker 2: fall down the tin shoot.
Speaker 1: Someone tried to walk in the door to put their
Speaker 1: rubbish in the bin, and I had to stop them
Speaker 1: from seeing what they were about to see. I had
Speaker 1: to scream no, don't come in. I'm about naked and
Speaker 1: I'm locked out of my apartment. This guy was so
Speaker 1: confused and he walked away. I then moments later see
Speaker 1: a hand come through the door and he has gotten
Speaker 1: his partner to get me a towel to cover up,
Speaker 1: and then ring the intercom to my friend's apartment to
Speaker 1: wake her. She wakes up and herself.
Speaker 2: Comes to the door, but fucking naked. She was just
Speaker 2: I ran into the apartment. I was so embarrassed.
Speaker 1: I went back just then with some spray and wipe
Speaker 1: to clean up my urine out of the bin shoot room.
Speaker 2: And then like four hours later she messages again and
Speaker 2: she goes update. I made contact with the neighbors and
Speaker 2: they thought I was a junkie trying to rob the place.
Speaker 2: Oh God, so bad. Last week's episode, we spoke about
Speaker 2: Laura's old dating story where the guy she was seeing
Speaker 2: basically locked himself out naked sleepwalking and ended up in
Speaker 2: an office somewhere. But we asked you guys to send
Speaker 2: us your sleepwalking stories in and I can't believe A
Speaker 2: how many of your sleepwalk and b how many like horrific,
Speaker 2: hilarious things have happened to your sleepwalking, so we're going
Speaker 2: to collate them and put them in another episode.
Speaker 1: This last week, I think we have received some of
Speaker 1: the best accidentally unfiltered stories that we have ever got,
Speaker 1: So we keep teasing a bonus episode. But it is coming.
Speaker 1: I promise we're.
Speaker 2: Because then every week we're like, we don't have time.
Speaker 2: Just stop over committing. No, it is coming.
Speaker 1: I'm putting it here, I'm putting it down. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna say in print, what do we say, I'm putting
Speaker 1: it down in the record. So we have to stay
Speaker 1: committed to this. It is coming. All right, it's time
Speaker 1: for your accidently unfiltered.
Speaker 2: You just remember that and when it doesn't come. It
Speaker 2: was Laura and on me. I have one today that's
Speaker 2: concerning for me. I'm reading it out because I'm not
Speaker 2: I think it's that funny, but I think it's a
Speaker 2: fucked up I'm so fucked up, and I think it's
Speaker 2: a really good intro to our chat today about boundaries.
Speaker 2: Here we go. I haven't accidentally unfiltered story from my
Speaker 2: first ever proper boyfriend about thirteen years ago, and it
Speaker 2: still haunts me to this day, not just because of
Speaker 2: what happened, but also because somehow I stayed with him
Speaker 2: for another year after this event, which also surprises a
Speaker 2: lot of people when I tell them. We're in the
Speaker 2: shower together one morning, just innocently, and I had my
Speaker 2: back to him as I was lathering myself up with
Speaker 2: the SuDS. I turned around and he was facing me,
Speaker 2: and I saw that he had this really weird, concentrated
Speaker 2: look on his face, and then he had one hand
Speaker 2: behind his back. I said, Ah, what have you got there, kiddo.
Speaker 2: He then brought his arm around from behind his back,
Speaker 2: put out his hand, and proudly presented to me a big,
Speaker 2: fuck off massive log of shit. He had a lot
Speaker 2: of shit, Like, can we just think about this for
Speaker 2: a moment? He had legit stood there and pushed one
Speaker 2: out in his hand while standing up in the shower
Speaker 2: with me, like it was no biggie, and then he
Speaker 2: tried to hand it to me like some sort of
Speaker 2: surprise gift. I'm so wrong, so like it's wrong on
Speaker 2: every level. I screamed and ran out of the shower, naked,
Speaker 2: almost sleeping and breaking my neck along the way. I
Speaker 2: ran into the bedroom and closed the door while I
Speaker 2: tried to process what had just happened. I could hear
Speaker 2: him singing and whistling in the shower as he finished,
Speaker 2: like nothing had happened. Once he got out and came
Speaker 2: into the bedroom, all I could say was what did
Speaker 2: you do with it? And he simply replied, Oh, I
Speaker 2: just stepped it down the drain with my big tope.
Speaker 2: I am sorry. This is the most discussing thing I
Speaker 2: have read in a long time. If someone did a
Speaker 2: log of pool in the hand, not even standing up straight,
Speaker 2: he was erepped it. It was vertical and then caught it. Hey,
Speaker 2: what are you eating that your pool is so long
Speaker 2: and hard that you can snap it off? Yeah? Mine,
Speaker 2: don't do that. That's a really good fiber gut right bare.
Speaker 2: And what part of him thought it was okay to
Speaker 2: hand it to her like, you know, member of South Park,
Speaker 2: mister Stinky the poop the Christmas poo. So this is
Speaker 2: a really prime example for me, and I think I
Speaker 2: think it was mister Hanky. I think so the Christmas
Speaker 2: poo is hanged to Hanky the Christmas poop. Anyway, I
Speaker 2: think he is a better n We don't need to
Speaker 2: unpack this for you guys, but I feel like this
Speaker 2: is a really good segue into boundaries, because I mean,
Speaker 2: one of my main boundaries. I've got a few, but
Speaker 2: one of mine is don't shoot in the shower in
Speaker 2: your handing handed to me.
Speaker 1: I think it's important to talk about how boundaries can
Speaker 1: be fluid, but then you can also have firm boundaries.
Speaker 1: And I would say that that's probably a very firm boundary.
Speaker 1: It's a pick offense that one. I reckon that everybody,
Speaker 1: not nobody has shatt in the shower with a significant other.
Speaker 1: But I reckon everybody has shatt in the shower at
Speaker 1: least once in their life, which is how you discover
Speaker 1: you don't not, Laura, Yes they have.
Speaker 2: Not everyone has. Okay, there is something really wrong with
Speaker 2: you right now. Not everyone. I have never hand on
Speaker 2: heart scouts, Honor have I shot in the shower. You're
Speaker 2: a better person than me and Brittany. Okay, But I
Speaker 2: was a kid. I was a little kid.
Speaker 1: I would have been like seven, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I need to do a poo and I vividly remember
Speaker 1: doing a pool in the shower and then being like,
Speaker 1: holy shit, doesn't just flush down the drain.
Speaker 2: You're gonna stomp that thing down.
Speaker 1: And I have never done it since I was a kid.
Speaker 1: I feel like all kids figure this out the hard way.
Speaker 1: That's how you learn.
Speaker 2: I expose yourself to new experiences, Brittany. My mum said,
Speaker 2: you should the toilet, not in the shower, Brittany, And
Speaker 2: that's how I learned.
Speaker 1: I remember I would have been about seven, maybe six,
Speaker 1: and I did a pool in the shower and then
Speaker 1: I stumped it down, and I was so scared that
Speaker 1: my mum would know that I did a pool in
Speaker 1: the shower.
Speaker 2: The only time that I would do a poo in
Speaker 2: the shower is literally if I was on my deathbed
Speaker 2: with gashtro and you know, when you're vomiting and pooing
Speaker 2: at the same time, you need to sit in the shower.
Speaker 2: That would be it. I would never be like, I
Speaker 2: can't be bothered to walk the two steps to the toilet,
Speaker 2: so I'll do it here.
Speaker 1: Well, so I was little and in the house growing up,
Speaker 1: the shower wasn't in the same room as the toilet,
Speaker 1: so it wasn't two steps, it was the entire length
Speaker 1: of the house. I would have to have gotten off towel, dried,
Speaker 1: gone to the toilet, and then gone back in the shower.
Speaker 1: So I was like, let's just see what happens anyway.
Speaker 1: Maybe we'll put up a pole. Maybe more people have putted.
Speaker 2: If I don't, they're sick.
Speaker 1: They don't do it like they hand down though, that'll
Speaker 1: definitely end up in downly mail Laura, shit's in the shower.
Speaker 2: Then I won't say where or how I know. I
Speaker 2: just feel like last week fuckers. Okay, let's get into
Speaker 2: the episode.
Speaker 1: All right, guys. With the recent airing of the absolute
Speaker 1: toxic dumpster fire that was Maths, and something happened on
Speaker 1: last night's episode that really solidified why I wanted to
Speaker 1: do this conversation, why we're making out with the brother
Speaker 1: was not the ancestuous affair, Why we wanted to talk
Speaker 1: about setting boundaries, how to do that, and how to
Speaker 1: really increase your self worth. So what happened last night
Speaker 1: on Maths if you guys didn't see it, Basically, there
Speaker 1: has been this ongoing rumor that Bryce has a secret girlfriend.
Speaker 2: Dn't and she wasn't a secret for sure did yes?
Speaker 1: And lo and behold, Melissa has stood up for him
Speaker 1: time and time again. She has denied any of the
Speaker 1: red flags that people have been telling her. She has
Speaker 1: absolutely refused to believe when the other Testines have said, look,
Speaker 1: someone from the outside world has contacted me. And on
Speaker 1: last night's episode, they had video footage of Bryce's friends
Speaker 1: after what you would call, I guess their hometown visit,
Speaker 1: discussing the secret girlfriend and confirming that it was true.
Speaker 1: And they showed this footage to Melissa, and Melissa still
Speaker 1: sat there, even though she saw it, even though she
Speaker 1: had the proof that she's always said that she wanted,
Speaker 1: she still said, I'm not leaving. I love this man,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to stay. And then Booker said something.
Speaker 1: And the conversation that followed is the part that really
Speaker 1: struck me as something that I was like, we need
Speaker 1: to talk about this. So Booker said, I have received
Speaker 1: phone calls from people on the outside world and that
Speaker 1: Bryce has a girlfriend. I have told you Liam has
Speaker 1: received phone calls from people in the outside world. Liam
Speaker 1: has told you other people in this experiment have heard
Speaker 1: things and been told things, and we have told you.
Speaker 2: Are you telling me that moving forward, if we.
Speaker 1: Find out something about what Bryce has done, or how
Speaker 1: you've been treated, or how you've been lied to, that
Speaker 1: you don't want to know about it?
Speaker 2: And Melissa said yes, I don't want to know about
Speaker 2: it anymore.
Speaker 1: In that moment, I just felt so just so sad
Speaker 1: for her and so sad that you could be at
Speaker 1: a point in a relationship where you think, I don't
Speaker 1: care what my partner's done wrong. I don't want you
Speaker 1: to tell me because I'm not going to leave them anyway.
Speaker 1: So what she was saying in that sentence is, it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if you tell me that he's cheated on me,
Speaker 1: even if it's true, I'm not going to leave. And
Speaker 1: there does come a point in this conversation where we
Speaker 1: have to talk about self worth and setting boundaries and
Speaker 1: the fear of someone leaving. You cannot be greater than
Speaker 1: your own self worth. That's what we have to kind
Speaker 1: of have as a benchmark. Like we said the beginning
Speaker 1: of the episode, this is maths. It's not all real,
Speaker 1: a lot of it's edited, a lot of it's inflamed.
Speaker 1: We don't know exactly what happened in their relationship, but
Speaker 1: what we saw on TV is a really great basis
Speaker 1: for a conversation around what a boundaries, How do we
Speaker 1: create boundaries for ourself and how do we improve our
Speaker 1: self worth so that we can make sure that we're
Speaker 1: setting ourselves up for healthy relationships, not just in our
Speaker 1: personal in romantic relationships, but in all the relationships and
Speaker 1: interactions that we have with people in our lives.
Speaker 2: One thing that I have learned from, you know, just
Speaker 2: going through the shit storm of the last ten years,
Speaker 2: is just being alive, just living. One thing I have
Speaker 2: learned from living is where there's smoke this fire. And
Speaker 2: I cannot reiterate that enough. Like that is such a
Speaker 2: great strong saying to me. In this case with Bryce
Speaker 2: and Melissa, it's one thing for her to not accept
Speaker 2: a rumor when one person says it. And I can
Speaker 2: applaud that if someone tells you a rumor, you go
Speaker 2: to your partner and you ask them up front. The
Speaker 2: reason you're with your partner is because you trust them.
Speaker 2: That is why you're with them. He's given her an answer,
Speaker 2: She's believed it, She's moved on. When there is this
Speaker 2: much smoke coming from this many independent fires, you can't
Speaker 2: deny that it hasn't happened. Like his friends have done it.
Speaker 2: People have called other sources that are so concerned for
Speaker 2: her that they're like, you need to go and tell
Speaker 2: your friend that this is true. And like Laura said,
Speaker 2: seeing that she would rather turn a blind eye. What
Speaker 2: that is doing is very for her, but it's setting
Speaker 2: a precedence in that relationship that that is what is
Speaker 2: acceptable and that is tolerable, and that he can do
Speaker 2: whatever he wants. He can cheat on her, he can
Speaker 2: gaslight her, he can light to her, and that he
Speaker 2: can still have her. Essentially, that is what her behavior
Speaker 2: is telling him, And I would hate to see what's
Speaker 2: going to happen in the future knowing that he knows
Speaker 2: that he can do this on a public level and
Speaker 2: not get called out. So he's one hundred percent gotten
Speaker 2: away with cheating and gas lighting and now he knows
Speaker 2: that it's okay whether he rains it in a little
Speaker 2: while because he's on a public platform now and people
Speaker 2: will be watching them like a hawk or not.
Speaker 1: This is also a very extreme case of not having
Speaker 1: any boundaries at all. Like I think, you know, there's
Speaker 1: definitely different layers of this. We can have soft boundaries
Speaker 1: with our friends, which might just be you know, you're
Speaker 1: encroaching too much of my time and I'm not getting
Speaker 1: enough of my own personal me time. It could be
Speaker 1: at work where you're being asked to do jobs which
Speaker 1: are so far outside your skill set. For example, you
Speaker 1: might get to work and your boss might be saying,
Speaker 1: pour me a bowl of cereal when you come in, Like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do that.
Speaker 2: But he's an architect.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's nothing that, there's no skill that that's actually
Speaker 1: you know, teaching me. I don't need to pour your sereal,
Speaker 1: get it yourself. You've sogynistic woo unless it.
Speaker 2: Anyway as a sister, and you happy to do everything
Speaker 2: he says.
Speaker 1: But so this is all about just like, you need
Speaker 1: to set boundaries early in relationships, not like once you've
Speaker 1: been together for five years or six years. That's not
Speaker 1: to say that you can't do it later on in
Speaker 1: a relationship, but it's a lot harder. The thing is,
Speaker 1: you need to start setting the boundaries and conditioning people
Speaker 1: for the way that you want to be treated from
Speaker 1: the very first meeting, because people become accustomed to it,
Speaker 1: and that it's much harder to change someone's behavior than
Speaker 1: what it is to from the get go a really
Speaker 1: strong boundaries, really strong self worth for them that to
Speaker 1: flow into a healthy relationship in the future.
Speaker 2: What we are taught as well is and what I
Speaker 2: have read is the reason is so hard because there
Speaker 2: are a lot of adults that don't have the right
Speaker 2: boundaries in place. And the reason we're told this is
Speaker 2: is because we learn our behavior from when we're young.
Speaker 2: Most young people in their first relationships, they don't know
Speaker 2: about boundaries yet because they're trying to figure their shit out,
Speaker 2: which is so fine, that's how we learn. But one
Speaker 2: thing that the psychologists say we don't learn is from
Speaker 2: this behavior and to where like late twenties and into
Speaker 2: our early thirties. So it's really important that you go
Speaker 2: into your new relationship not in the same way you've
Speaker 2: gone into your old relationships, but you need to know
Speaker 2: before you enter a relationship, if possible, what it is
Speaker 2: that's acceptable for you, what it is you want, and
Speaker 2: where you want to go personally and in your relationship.
Speaker 2: Because if you can go into a relationship or your
Speaker 2: new job or a friendship, if you can go into
Speaker 2: any situation confident in yourself and knowing what is and
Speaker 2: is not okay and what is and is not acceptable
Speaker 2: in a relationship, you're setting yourself up for a far better, longer,
Speaker 2: and healthier relationship.
Speaker 1: Okay, So let's like unpack what is a boundary. I
Speaker 1: know that we've all heard of this been thrown around before.
Speaker 1: Every single self help group will talk about boundaries. Britain
Speaker 1: and I talk about boundaries all the time. But it's
Speaker 1: something that's very, like I said, it very easy to
Speaker 1: talk about. A lot of people find it very very
Speaker 1: hard to action within their own life. So about boundary
Speaker 1: is a physical or metaphorical line between ourselves and others.
Speaker 1: Setting a boundary means requiring better treatment by others and
Speaker 1: not allowing someone else to run over you. A boundary
Speaker 1: provides a protective parameter around us, allowing us to operate
Speaker 1: comfortably within it. And depending on your personalities and your
Speaker 1: life experiences, some of us have stronger boundaries and more
Speaker 1: reliant on those boundaries than others. Women are more at
Speaker 1: risk of being very fluid with their boundaries than what
Speaker 1: men are, and there's been a lot of studies that
Speaker 1: have gone into why we as women often will be
Speaker 1: flexible with our boundaries or will shape our boundaries and
Speaker 1: change our boundaries depending on what relationship we're in. And
Speaker 1: that is because deep seated there is a conditioned want
Speaker 1: to please people and there is also a nurturing side
Speaker 1: of that.
Speaker 2: So the more empathetic that.
Speaker 1: You are, the more nurturing that you are, the less
Speaker 1: firm boundaries you may have in your life. So it's
Speaker 1: not necessarily a quality of weakness having loose boundaries, but
Speaker 1: it is a quality of really wanting to either please
Speaker 1: other people, wanting other people to like you, or being
Speaker 1: fearful of losing something that you have.
Speaker 2: Personal boundaries and self esteem they do go hand in
Speaker 2: hand and taking responsibility for your own actions not blaming
Speaker 2: other people. These are the two pillars of a really
Speaker 2: really important book called Six Pillars of Self Esteem. So
Speaker 2: this is a really good book that just from what
Speaker 2: we've researched online that if you are looking into self
Speaker 2: esteem or you're looking into boundaries, you can go and
Speaker 2: read that online. But generally speaking, people with high self
Speaker 2: esteem and high self worth, they usually have really good
Speaker 2: strong boundaries because they know where they are, they know
Speaker 2: what they want, and they know how to get there.
Speaker 2: So practicing strong personal boundaries it is one way to
Speaker 2: build self esteem. And I think the connection between boundaries
Speaker 2: and self worth is fascinating. So if you know that
Speaker 2: you're in a relationship that is not what you want
Speaker 2: and it is not healthy, maybe you need to look
Speaker 2: at why we are going to go through some things.
Speaker 2: But is it because you are afraid that you will
Speaker 2: not meet anyone else? Is it afraid that no one
Speaker 2: else will love you if you leave because behavior is unacceptable?
Speaker 2: Is it because you don't feel like you're good enough
Speaker 2: for anyone else? Is it because you don't feel like
Speaker 2: you're good enough for the person you're in the relationship with.
Speaker 2: I know, for me, my boundary is now fucking so
Speaker 2: strong that it's like hard for anyone to even get in.
Speaker 2: This is like I put a fence up that I'm like,
Speaker 2: this is how it is, is what I want, this
Speaker 2: is what I'll accept. But it was not always like that.
Speaker 2: It took me, like realistically, probably almost so. I was
Speaker 2: thirty and I dated a lot of people over that
Speaker 2: ten years, guys, But my toxic relationship he I'm not
Speaker 2: proud to say it, he walked all over me. I
Speaker 2: let him treat me so poorly, the way he spoke
Speaker 2: to me, the way he acted, the lies, the gas lighting,
Speaker 2: the cheating, the disappointment. I mean, I knew that he
Speaker 2: was monitoring my online activity where I was, and I
Speaker 2: buried it. I let it fly.
Speaker 1: But did it happen slowly or was it something that
Speaker 1: was there from the very get go, Because I think
Speaker 1: that's sometimes these and this is like an extreme case
Speaker 1: of it, but I think that sometimes your boundaries can
Speaker 1: slip so slowly that you almost don't recognize that it's happening.
Speaker 2: For me, it was very slow because it started off
Speaker 2: fantastic and loving and great. I thought I had the
Speaker 2: boundaries and I was like, this is what I want.
Speaker 2: I wanted this loving partner who wanted to do everything
Speaker 2: for me and wanted to know where I was all
Speaker 2: the time. For me, it was very slow, But I'd
Speaker 2: be lying if I said I didn't see a lot
Speaker 2: of red flags along the way.
Speaker 1: Well, one of the things that's really interesting about setting
Speaker 1: boundaries in your relationships is that often there's this fear
Speaker 1: that if you set boundaries, you're going to push people away,
Speaker 1: or someone's going to think that you're being mean or
Speaker 1: that you're being too hard, and so we are fearful
Speaker 1: of doing that. We're fearful of saying no for fear
Speaker 1: of upsetting someone else. But actually setting boundaries is a
Speaker 1: way of strengthening your relationships because normal healthy relationships, that
Speaker 1: other person is going to go oh okay, there's a
Speaker 1: sense of vulnerability there. And like we always say, this
Speaker 1: power and vulnerability. If you sit down and have a
Speaker 1: really genuine, vulnerable, open conversation with someone around why they
Speaker 1: have crossed your boundaries, why they have hurt you, and
Speaker 1: why you feel.
Speaker 2: The way you do.
Speaker 1: And the thing is is when your boundaries being broken
Speaker 1: or when someone is encroaching on them, you're going to
Speaker 1: feel resentful, You're going to feel angry, You're going to
Speaker 1: feel burnt out. This is the byproduct of not having
Speaker 1: firm boundaries in place. So if you sit down with
Speaker 1: someone who cares about you and who you care about
Speaker 1: and say this is how I'm feeling, then that actually
Speaker 1: creates a deeper bond with that person and a deeper
Speaker 1: level of understanding. If it doesn't, like, if you set
Speaker 1: boundaries and it creates issues in your relationship, then that's
Speaker 1: probably a flag that that relationship isn't healthy anyway, because
Speaker 1: only somebody who is codependent or toxic or wants to
Speaker 1: control you is going to have issues with you setting boundaries.
Speaker 1: It is a human right to have boundaries. It's a
Speaker 1: human right to be able to say no and protect
Speaker 1: your well being and your own mental health. Every single
Speaker 1: person needs to be able to exercise this in order
Speaker 1: to be happy and in order to just not give
Speaker 1: so much of themselves and leave nothing left in the
Speaker 1: tank for themselves.
Speaker 2: So some examples of what unhealthy boundaries look like, because
Speaker 2: it's very easy for us to sit here and say,
Speaker 2: put your boundary out, don't have an unhealthy boundary, don't
Speaker 2: have an unhealthy relationship. It's like, think about have you
Speaker 2: ever seen two friends and I feel like everyone has this.
Speaker 2: You've got these two friends and when they're together or
Speaker 2: when you're with them, it's fantastic, it's awesome. But then
Speaker 2: these friends will non stop complaining to you about each
Speaker 2: other behind their back. That's unhealthy. That is not a
Speaker 2: normal friendship. It's like Laura and I are hanging out
Speaker 2: all the time, then me going to someone and complaining
Speaker 2: NonStop about her and Laura going complaining non stop about me.
Speaker 2: It's like, it's not a healthy relationship. If that's the problem,
Speaker 2: we should be having open communication with each other.
Speaker 1: And that's back to what I said as well about
Speaker 1: this idea of resentment. If you are having those relationships
Speaker 1: where like face to face, it's great, but really you
Speaker 1: have this underlying feud happening that you haven't voiced, and like,
Speaker 1: we've all done this. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure
Speaker 1: there have been times where it has gone behind my
Speaker 1: back and being like a fuck, I'm really frustrated with Laura,
Speaker 1: but there's a level of resentment there that hasn't been discussed.
Speaker 1: And then a good friendship, you go and you have
Speaker 1: a conversation and you work out why you're feeling that way,
Speaker 1: and then it resolves it, and then you get back
Speaker 1: to a place where you can be really happy and
Speaker 1: your friendship is even deeper and better. And I know, like, oh,
Speaker 1: we have had so many frustrations with each others, like you,
Speaker 1: like we are we are seriously such close friends. And
Speaker 1: Britt knows me better than anyone, and I know her
Speaker 1: better than anyone as well, And like I love our friendship.
Speaker 1: This we can have a moment right now, I fucking
Speaker 1: love you, got planned? I love you, and I love
Speaker 1: our friendship. We have absolutely, over the course of the last
Speaker 1: two years, had moments where we have been so frustrated
Speaker 1: with each other, and it's been difficult to communicate that
Speaker 1: straight away because sometimes it takes a little while to
Speaker 1: understand why you feel frustrated personally. For me, I was
Speaker 1: never frustrated at britt as a person, but I was
Speaker 1: frustrated by the amount of work that this podcast took
Speaker 1: up at one point in time, because I just didn't
Speaker 1: have the hours in the day.
Speaker 2: And it made me, really it almost made.
Speaker 1: Me feel anxious all the time because I knew that
Speaker 1: I had to edit after we finished recording, and then
Speaker 1: that feeling of like, well, I've got to go home
Speaker 1: and do eight more hours on this made me feel
Speaker 1: really resent and that all compounded. And the reason it
Speaker 1: compounded is because I hadn't sat down with Britain had
Speaker 1: an honest conversation around the fact that I was giving
Speaker 1: so much of myself above and beyond what I could
Speaker 1: actually sustain and my time, and therefore I was starting
Speaker 1: to feel resentful. I was starting to feel unappreciated. And
Speaker 1: in that conversation we make changes and everything is frigging
Speaker 1: great now, you know. And that's the thing, like in
Speaker 1: a really great relationship, you can have vulnerable, honest conversations
Speaker 1: about what is upsetting you and then that sets a
Speaker 1: new precedent or a new boundary, and often more so
Speaker 1: than not, it can be about time restraints and people
Speaker 1: wanting too much of your time.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, and that's like a crucial thing. Any time that
Speaker 2: Laura and I have had a frustration with each other,
Speaker 2: we've always spoken about it. Even if it's not that
Speaker 2: day or a day later or a week later, we
Speaker 2: always come back to each other and we both end
Speaker 2: up feeling really bad about it and we're like, I
Speaker 2: didn't know, we didn't know these, and I feel sorry
Speaker 2: because we would never want to hurt each other's feelings
Speaker 2: in anything. But the thing is with every relationship in
Speaker 2: your whole life, your partner, your work, your friends, your family,
Speaker 2: you're different humans that look at things in a different way,
Speaker 2: that have different opinions, that have different boundaries, that have
Speaker 2: different expectations, and you can't expect anyone else in your
Speaker 2: life to just know what yours are without communicating it.
Speaker 2: So like our number one thing is communication. The next
Speaker 2: thing is like an example of maybe you're single and
Speaker 2: your friends in a relationship and they won't go out
Speaker 2: partying with you, or they won't meet you for a coffee,
Speaker 2: or they can't do anything because their partner doesn't like
Speaker 2: when they go out with them, or their partner doesn't
Speaker 2: like having too much time away. That is an unhealthy
Speaker 2: relationship for you, guys in a friendship because they're just
Speaker 2: completely disregarding you. But it's also an unhealthy relationship that
Speaker 2: they're sitting in as a couple saying that I can't
Speaker 2: do this because my partner doesn't like it. It's not
Speaker 2: like they're saying I can't cheat on my partner because
Speaker 2: he doesn't like it. It's saying I can't go out
Speaker 2: to dinner like you know. There's a level of control
Speaker 2: in there, and obviously.
Speaker 1: You can't have sex with my brothersuse my partners. That's
Speaker 1: up that sorry bad.
Speaker 2: It's definitely something that is and we said at the beginning,
Speaker 2: boundaries are fluid. If that is what works for you
Speaker 2: and you're actually happy with it, then it doesn't really matter.
Speaker 2: If you know that you're doing something against your will.
Speaker 2: You know that you're saying I can't go out with
Speaker 2: you because my partner doesn't want me to, even though
Speaker 2: you really, really really want to go out with them,
Speaker 2: then that is a prime example of an unhealthy boundary.
Speaker 2: That's something you need to go back to your partner
Speaker 2: and say, this is something that's really important to me.
Speaker 2: This is what I want to do, and I can't
Speaker 2: be in a relationship where you don't let me live
Speaker 2: my life.
Speaker 1: If you're somebody who really struggles with setting boundaries in
Speaker 1: your relationships, whether it be work or whether it be
Speaker 1: your romantic relationships, there are five statements which I want
Speaker 1: you to say to yourself, and these are you are worthy,
Speaker 1: you are in the mirror, No, it is I have
Speaker 1: a right to say no without feeling guilty. I have
Speaker 1: a right to be treated with respect. I have a
Speaker 1: right to make my needs as important as others. I
Speaker 1: have a right to be accepting of my mistakes and
Speaker 1: my failures. And I have a right not to meet
Speaker 1: others unreasonable expectations of me. And like Britz said, you
Speaker 1: have to communicate what is an unreasonable expectation. You know,
Speaker 1: you cannot assume that everybody knows exactly what you're thinking
Speaker 1: and feeling, and you have to follow your gut. If
Speaker 1: your body is telling you that after you have an
Speaker 1: interaction with someone, or after someone asks you to do something,
Speaker 1: you say yes, but you feel angry about it, then
Speaker 1: that's your body telling you, Hey, a fundamental boundary here
Speaker 1: is being crossed, and it's up to you to voice
Speaker 1: how you feel about that. It's up to you to
Speaker 1: start putting parameters in place. And I know that there
Speaker 1: is a lot of self help books out there and
Speaker 1: stuff that say, and we've said it before in this podcast,
Speaker 1: you just have to say no, and no needs to
Speaker 1: be a firm no.
Speaker 2: Man, I say yes to everything. That's my thing. I'm
Speaker 2: totally boundary to that. We're so bad with it.
Speaker 1: But also I think no, we think it's a really
Speaker 1: aggressive word, and sometimes it does come across and sound
Speaker 1: aggressive without giving an explanation behind. And if you're someone
Speaker 1: who really struggles to say no without justifying your reasoning,
Speaker 1: maybe do a soft noe instead of just no.
Speaker 2: Work yourself up to it. Maybe it's a sorry I can't.
Speaker 2: Maybe it's a.
Speaker 1: No this isn't a priority for me at this point
Speaker 1: in time, or no I'm not able to because of this.
Speaker 1: Maybe it is okay for you to give some sort
Speaker 1: of justification because going into the heart no is a
Speaker 1: bit overwhelming. And also there's some situations where you can't
Speaker 1: just go in for a no, like at work, you
Speaker 1: can't just say no. You have to explain why it's
Speaker 1: a no.
Speaker 2: You've got to put forward Kates, Laura, we really need
Speaker 2: to record the podcast. No, No, it doesn't work, you know.
Speaker 1: No, I'm time poor because my sister's in labor and
Speaker 1: I'm going to the hospital.
Speaker 2: Perfect.
Speaker 1: That's setting personal boundaries, you know, that's prioritizing different things
Speaker 1: in my life. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and saying
Speaker 1: yes to everything is what creates this burnout. We talked
Speaker 1: about it loads on an episode which was Hustle Culture.
Speaker 1: But I think that these things really all tie into
Speaker 1: each other. Oh one hundred percent.
Speaker 2: Look, I actually think I've got a pretty happy medium
Speaker 2: with it. I was trying to think of, like, what
Speaker 2: is my boundary that I need to work on, because
Speaker 2: I do have a lot of really really good, strong
Speaker 2: boundaries in place, But one of them that I am
Speaker 2: bad at is I will say no to people that
Speaker 2: are not in my close circle. Like if somebody that
Speaker 2: i've a friend of a friend has said come to
Speaker 2: my party, I'll say no, Like I don't really know,
Speaker 2: you don't really have time. I won't say that to them,
Speaker 2: but I'm like, hey, I can't if I have probably
Speaker 2: like I can count them on two hands. The people
Speaker 2: in my life that I can basically never say no
Speaker 2: to Laura could call me at any time of the
Speaker 2: day or night with anything, and I'd be like, she
Speaker 2: could call me at one am and be like I
Speaker 2: really need a coffee and I'd be like, don't worries,
Speaker 2: I'll just go yep, cool, I'll be there in a minute.
Speaker 2: Like there's people that I would actually never do that
Speaker 2: to you. That's the thing. Don't make it sound like
Speaker 2: I call you one. She doesn't. Could you come up
Speaker 2: here and give me a foot massage? But my point
Speaker 2: is that I don't know if that's a boundary thing
Speaker 2: or not. I don't know if that's just because I
Speaker 2: love to love and care for the people that I
Speaker 2: do have in my circle, so they My point is
Speaker 2: Laura would never ask me to do that, but if
Speaker 2: she did, I would do it, That's my point. But
Speaker 2: I would be like, sure, I am not doing anything else.
Speaker 2: I will come up. But that's okay, because that's what
Speaker 2: I have said is okay in my life, because I
Speaker 2: know in myself I'm happy to I won't resent the person.
Speaker 2: The problem comes when you're saying yes to people and
Speaker 2: doing things for people that you actually don't want to do.
Speaker 2: That's when the resentment comes and that's when the problems come.
Speaker 2: That's when you need to start with your soft nose.
Speaker 1: And also when we talk about this idea of bound
Speaker 1: and we say that there's like a hard line sand
Speaker 1: and then there's often like a little bit more fluidity
Speaker 1: into it. It also changes in the relationship and also
Speaker 1: depends on how long you've been with someone. For example,
Speaker 1: Matt and I have a really healthy relationship where I
Speaker 1: think it's really healthy. You know, we fight from time
Speaker 1: to time, like any couple does that, we have our
Speaker 1: normal tives. We bicker about normal bickering shit, but overall
Speaker 1: our relationship is really great. We love and we trust
Speaker 1: each other, and we have really healthy boundaries, which is
Speaker 1: something that I've not had in any past relationship, and
Speaker 1: it's something that I'm really like. It makes me really
Speaker 1: feel safe and secure, and I'm really proud of that
Speaker 1: we have this in this relationship. If Matt cheated on me,
Speaker 1: that would one hundred percent be crossing my hard boundary.
Speaker 1: Would I break up with him because of that? No,
Speaker 1: I would work through that. It doesn't mean that the
Speaker 1: boundary hasn't been crossed. It doesn't mean that I haven't
Speaker 1: been betrayed. But if he showed up to that conversation,
Speaker 1: was immensely sorry, was never going to do it again,
Speaker 1: and we worked through it, worked the drunk as to
Speaker 1: why it happened. Then you can over come these It's
Speaker 1: not like you have a boundary and as soon as
Speaker 1: someone breaks it.
Speaker 2: You're like, fuck you, we are broken up.
Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be that, But it is knowing
Speaker 1: that there has to be a consequence when a boundary
Speaker 1: is broken, right, because if there's no consequence, then what's
Speaker 1: the point in having them.
Speaker 2: This comes into the next conversation, the next chapter of
Speaker 2: this conversation, which is how to set your boundaries. So again,
Speaker 2: like it's easy for us to say have them, but
Speaker 2: how to set them? So the number one thing is
Speaker 2: literally set your boundaries, write down or knowing yourself what
Speaker 2: you will and will not tolerate, what behaviors you will
Speaker 2: accept and you will not accept. And this is your family,
Speaker 2: your partner, your friends, the postman, your colleagues, like you
Speaker 2: just have to know. And the second one goes into
Speaker 2: what Laura said, which is, once you know your boundaries,
Speaker 2: you need to decide what the consequences are if someone
Speaker 2: does encroach or break one of these boundaries. And one
Speaker 2: of these rules. So this is going to happen at
Speaker 2: some stage, right, Someone is going to cross the line
Speaker 2: at some stage. If you don't know what your consequence is,
Speaker 2: it's going to be really difficult when you're on the spot,
Speaker 2: and you're probably gonna be biased by that person too,
Speaker 2: especially if it's a partner. You're going to probably probably
Speaker 2: let more slide than you would want to because you
Speaker 2: love them and you have this emotional relationship. So you
Speaker 2: need to decide from the get go. Don't get sucked
Speaker 2: in on the spot. Don't tell yourself if he does
Speaker 2: this one more time, I'm leaving. I swear to God
Speaker 2: one more time, only for him to do it again.
Speaker 2: And then you're like, Okay, that's cool, cutie. What do
Speaker 2: you want for dinner?
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I'll work through it a second time
Speaker 1: for me, once, for me twice.
Speaker 2: It's like Laura, She's like, I would work through it
Speaker 2: the first time, but you probably know that your boundary
Speaker 2: is if he did that again.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, his ass would be on the curve.
Speaker 1: But yeah no, And that's what I mean. You can
Speaker 1: have a behavior or something can be broken once because
Speaker 1: we're human, you know, we all make mistakes. We're all
Speaker 1: gonna accidentally not the cheating as an accident. You know,
Speaker 1: you don't accidentally fall into another human, but you know
Speaker 1: if you.
Speaker 2: Accidentally fall on their dick, Laura didn't mean to. It's
Speaker 2: not that they're accidents.
Speaker 1: But we all make bad choices at different points in
Speaker 1: our life, and we can all put on too much
Speaker 1: pressure onto our friends. We can all expect too much
Speaker 1: of other people because we all have the propensity to
Speaker 1: be a little bit selfish at times. But if someone
Speaker 1: is continuous doing it, then you have to figure out
Speaker 1: what your consequences are. And you know that is a
Speaker 1: very clear cut, black and white one. But what if
Speaker 1: it's a situation where it's with your friend, for example,
Speaker 1: and maybe your friend is just super emotionally draining and
Speaker 1: they are constantly coming to you and expecting so much
Speaker 1: of you and your time, and it's a very intense
Speaker 1: and all encompassing friendship that you're not getting a lot
Speaker 1: out of anymore, But you feel indebted to say yes
Speaker 1: to you because you're worried about what impact it would
Speaker 1: have on your friend.
Speaker 2: If it's a long distance relationship, I'm sorry that I've
Speaker 2: been unloaded on you. No this is not you, Ji.
Speaker 1: If you have a situation with a friend like that,
Speaker 1: the consequences aren't going to be that you're going to
Speaker 1: break up with your friend, but the consequences might be
Speaker 1: that you sit down, you have an open conversation. Honestly,
Speaker 1: conversations are usually the consequence that happens when about it
Speaker 1: is being broken. You sit down, you have a conversation,
Speaker 1: and you explain why you're feeling the way you're feeling,
Speaker 1: and what you need as a friend in order to
Speaker 1: get back to being in a place where you feel comfortable.
Speaker 1: And that could be pushing back, saying no and saying look,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm really sorry, but you're expecting too much
Speaker 1: of me.
Speaker 2: So the next up is just to make sure that
Speaker 2: once you set your boundaries, once you know what the
Speaker 2: consequences are, the next thing is to make sure that
Speaker 2: you actually follow through them. Now, even if I'm only
Speaker 2: going back to Lauren Matt's example, because it's consistent, it's
Speaker 2: just match cheated on her. She's like, cool, I know
Speaker 2: my boundary is that I'll work through that. Matt cheats.
Speaker 2: He on her again. She knows that that was her
Speaker 2: hard no boundary, so she needs to follow through that
Speaker 2: and leave, so she says it's over. I'm done. Even
Speaker 2: if they then go and work it out at a
Speaker 2: later point, he knows that that definitely was the hard no,
Speaker 2: Like she's I can't walk all over anymore because she
Speaker 2: I did actually nearly lose her. And I mean, this
Speaker 2: is a bad example, but I'm just trying to say
Speaker 2: that you one hundred percent need to follow through. You
Speaker 2: can't put an empty thread out to someone. If you
Speaker 2: do it again, it's done, and then it's not done.
Speaker 1: All that does is set a precedent that you can
Speaker 1: be walked all over and that you are a doormat.
Speaker 2: Conversely to that, it is one thing for us to
Speaker 2: say that you do have to have boundaries, but it's
Speaker 2: another thing to say that you still do have to
Speaker 2: be a bit flexible and be able to meet people
Speaker 2: halfway sometimes. And I'm going to give you an example
Speaker 2: of what I mean by this, especially when it's with
Speaker 2: like somebody you love, you might have a boundary, or
Speaker 2: you might say to your partner, I'm very independent. I
Speaker 2: don't need to speak to you every single day. It
Speaker 2: doesn't mean I don't love you anymore, but maybe if
Speaker 2: I don't call you at night, that's okay. It doesn't
Speaker 2: mean anything. If your partner has been through a really
Speaker 2: traumatic event and they say to you, it's really important
Speaker 2: for me that we check in with each other every night,
Speaker 2: that's okay to ben that boundary because that's something that
Speaker 2: you can meet half way. And why can't you just
Speaker 2: call and check in because you know that it helps
Speaker 2: your partner. So it's important to be like, if it
Speaker 2: doesn't actually put you out, and you still have to
Speaker 2: want it, you can't be doing something you don't want.
Speaker 2: If it's not putting you out, to call for five
Speaker 2: minutes and say how are you and check in because
Speaker 2: you know it's going to put your partner at ease,
Speaker 2: then that's okay.
Speaker 1: It's a really funny one, isn't it. Because I think
Speaker 1: one of the like something I struggled with early in
Speaker 1: my relationships was personal space and not personal space for myself,
Speaker 1: but I really struggled with when my partner would want
Speaker 1: personal space. I took it as a defense. I took
Speaker 1: it that they didn't want to be around me, and.
Speaker 2: Which they didn't. But that's not necessarily bad. That's makes
Speaker 2: some good. But they didn't They want to say one
Speaker 2: of the personal space what personal space is. But it's
Speaker 2: not necessarily negative totally.
Speaker 1: But I think it can be offensive and it can
Speaker 1: feel like rejection, but I think it's really.
Speaker 2: Healthy, you know, to have time apart.
Speaker 1: And I guess this is something that I navigated in
Speaker 1: a past relationship. But this all came down to personal boundaries.
Speaker 1: One of my exes wanted to have at least one
Speaker 1: night a week where we weren't together, and he made
Speaker 1: a real point of saying this, and I took that
Speaker 1: as a massive rejection. I was like, we usually have
Speaker 1: a night apart anyway, so like, why do you need
Speaker 1: to make a real point of making sure that I
Speaker 1: know that that's something that you need. And so I
Speaker 1: interpreted it the wrong way. I was also immature. I'll
Speaker 1: own that my reaction to it, my frustration towards him,
Speaker 1: and my own personal hurt towards it, was because one
Speaker 1: I was a bit codependent at that point in my life.
Speaker 1: We've talked about it loads my own frustrations and pentap anxieties.
Speaker 1: I was codependent. I took that as rejection, and I
Speaker 1: didn't understand that he was just exercising an absolute right
Speaker 1: that he has, which is to put in place some
Speaker 1: personal boundaries and say, you know, I need some personal time.
Speaker 1: It wasn't like he was saying I need a night
Speaker 1: to mine because I want to go on Tinder and
Speaker 1: hook up with other chicks. He was just like, I
Speaker 1: literally want tonight to myself, to do my washing, to
Speaker 1: hang out with my housemates, and to just have a
Speaker 1: bit of me time read a book. But I took
Speaker 1: that poorly, and that wasn't a reflection of him setting boundaries.
Speaker 1: That was a reflection of my inability to be able
Speaker 1: to accept them. So that was my issue.
Speaker 2: There is another quote that I really love to in
Speaker 2: regards to doing things for people that you don't want
Speaker 2: to do, and that is that acts of affection and
Speaker 2: interest are only valid if they're performed without expectations. So
Speaker 2: you need to be doing things for people because you
Speaker 2: want to and not because you expect anything else, not
Speaker 2: because you feel like you have to, or you're doing
Speaker 2: it so that they do something back. And I think
Speaker 2: that that's a really important thing because I used to
Speaker 2: do things in my early relationships purely because I wanted
Speaker 2: the same thing back, or I did it because I
Speaker 2: wanted a specific reaction and I had to learn that
Speaker 2: you can't always control people's reactions and what they're going
Speaker 2: to give back. Now, I do things because I want
Speaker 2: to make people happy, not because I want them to
Speaker 2: give me anything back. And I think that that is
Speaker 2: a really, really powerful statement.
Speaker 1: The last thing I want to say on this whole topic,
Speaker 1: and we talked about this a little bit on the
Speaker 1: Anxiety Yet, which is the last episode we did. Everything
Speaker 1: gets easier the more that you exercise it. So if
Speaker 1: you're somebody who really struggles with asserting what your boundaries are,
Speaker 1: every single time you flex that muscle just a little
Speaker 1: bit and then just a little bit more, and every
Speaker 1: time you have those awkward and sometimes confrontational conversations which
Speaker 1: don't need to be confrontational, but they can feel like
Speaker 1: confrontation for someone who really avoids it. Every single time
Speaker 1: you say no, or you put up a boundary or
Speaker 1: you stand up for yourself, which is essentially what having
Speaker 1: a boundary is, you stand up for yourself, you make
Speaker 1: it a little bit easier to do it the next time.
Speaker 1: And you also, by doing that, invest in your own
Speaker 1: self worth, because you're saying by doing that, you're saying,
Speaker 1: I won't be treated like this because I'm worthy to
Speaker 1: be treated better than this. So then it's a feed loop.
Speaker 1: Well that person goes, ah, okay, well I'll treat you better.
Speaker 1: So one you're getting more respect from that person, You're
Speaker 1: being treated better by that person, and you feel good
Speaker 1: about yourself because you have stood up for that little
Speaker 1: person inside who deserves to be defended. That is like
Speaker 1: the perfect little round, wholesome what's it called circle of life?
Speaker 1: Of boundaries and self worth?
Speaker 2: Well, we've spoken about the connection between self worth and
Speaker 2: setting boundaries and relationships. So we have put a little
Speaker 2: checklist together that have come from some very very intelligent,
Speaker 2: reliable sources, and it's just a checklist to see, hey,
Speaker 2: do you fall into this category A little bit, just
Speaker 2: something for you to really have a little think about yourself.
Speaker 2: Difficulties setting and maintaining boundaries due to fear or guilt,
Speaker 2: feeling too apologetic and you're not sure why, excessive neediness
Speaker 2: which I have fallen into before, allowing yourself to be
Speaker 2: put upon or burdened by other people, taking on too
Speaker 2: many responsibilities and feeling resentful about it. We allowing yourself
Speaker 2: to be controlling or be controlled by others. That's a
Speaker 2: really important one the feeling of like you can't stand
Speaker 2: off yourself and you have to do what everyone tolds
Speaker 2: you to do. That's a really important one.
Speaker 1: Another reflection of low self worth, which is one that
Speaker 1: I think is super important, is this idea of being
Speaker 1: orientated around a scarcity or lack in general. So if
Speaker 1: you're frightened that you're never going to meet someone, if
Speaker 1: you're focus on a scarcity mindset, then you're more inclined
Speaker 1: to have low self worth because you're like, well, I'll
Speaker 1: put up with this behavior because I'll never find something better.
Speaker 2: Another important one is self sabotage, and I think this
Speaker 2: is a really really big one, staining toxic relationships when
Speaker 2: you know if they are toxic deep down, you know,
Speaker 2: and this feeling of emptiness or emotional void and not
Speaker 2: feeling good enough.
Speaker 1: So if you fall into the category of thinking that
Speaker 1: maybe you need to do some work on your self
Speaker 1: esteem and on your self worth, I guess the big
Speaker 1: one and the absolute drive home comment from this, and
Speaker 1: you can put this on an Instagram post, you can
Speaker 1: quote it is that your value is not determined by
Speaker 1: what other people think of you, and your self worth
Speaker 1: is not determined by what other people think of you.
Speaker 2: You need to be able.
Speaker 1: To be confident, and it really comes down to self love,
Speaker 1: which sounds a bit woo woo, but it really does.
Speaker 1: You need to be able to love yourself, to be
Speaker 1: able to put yourself first, and to be able to
Speaker 1: protect and respect yourself. That's like the fundamentals to this.
Speaker 2: But how do you do that?
Speaker 1: I guess one of the biggest ways of getting to
Speaker 1: a point where you really fucking love yourself, and not
Speaker 1: in like an Instagram kind of way, but just in
Speaker 1: like real life kind of way is investing in yourself
Speaker 1: doing things like reading a book, working on maybe a
Speaker 1: business idea that you have, doing things that like aren't
Speaker 1: for other people, and at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: the value add that you're going to get back is
Speaker 1: entirely for yourself. None of that is selfish. Maybe it's
Speaker 1: simple thing like going for a run or setting yourself
Speaker 1: a new goal.
Speaker 2: I remember, like she Sherry.
Speaker 1: Your sister Britz, said she couldn't run, and then she
Speaker 1: set her goal that she wanted to run a half
Speaker 1: marathonal or whatever it is. But it's like this sense
Speaker 1: of self achievement that comes from setting yourself a goal
Speaker 1: and being able to achieve that. So it's like celebrating
Speaker 1: the small wins for yourself as well, but really trying
Speaker 1: new experiences, pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and
Speaker 1: doing things solely for yourself is how you invest in
Speaker 1: your self worth totally.
Speaker 2: And another one that's really this seems like a really
Speaker 2: basic and simple one, but it's remembering that no one
Speaker 2: is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Because a really big
Speaker 2: reason behind you feeling like you're not good enough is
Speaker 2: because you think that everyone else is kicking goals and
Speaker 2: you're not, and that you're the only human in the
Speaker 2: world that can't achieve something or is making a mistake.
Speaker 2: You're just really too hard on yourself. So always remember
Speaker 2: any person that you see that you think is kicking goals,
Speaker 2: they have gone through a lot of failures. First. Every
Speaker 2: person that is successful, every person in the world that
Speaker 2: is successful, has failed previously. So don't be so hard
Speaker 2: on yourself. Oh man, I had this the other day
Speaker 2: right put it on Instagram.
Speaker 1: I was like, we had some people coming over to
Speaker 1: do some filming at our house and like Britt will
Speaker 1: attest to this, my house is a freaking bombshell. Like
Speaker 1: it constantly is a fucking mess. I cannot keep it clean.
Speaker 1: We will clean it, It'll be perfect for like five hours,
Speaker 1: and then by the end of the day it's a
Speaker 1: mess again. And I see other people on Instagram and
Speaker 1: I play the comparison game and I see what other
Speaker 1: people's houses look like, and I think I'm so useless,
Speaker 1: Like I'm embarrassed by our home. And then I think,
Speaker 1: you know what, if I feel like this, I'm sure
Speaker 1: lots of other people feel like this, and I put
Speaker 1: that on my stories and like the amount of people
Speaker 1: who wrote back to me are the mums who are
Speaker 1: in similar situations with young kids, who are like, girlfriend,
Speaker 1: I hear you, But this was something, and it's so small,
Speaker 1: but it really impacts my feeling of being worthy. Like
Speaker 1: this fact that I can't keep a clean house makes
Speaker 1: me feel really useless and it's something that gets me
Speaker 1: down constantly, and it makes me not want to have
Speaker 1: people over, Like I don't want people to come to
Speaker 1: my house because I'm scared of being judged by them.
Speaker 1: Our producer tried to come over the other day and
Speaker 1: Laura's like, naht my veto, we know you can't come
Speaker 1: to my house. She's like we're not there yet. No,
Speaker 1: we're not that close to friends. Brick can come over.
Speaker 1: She's sitting in the bedroom right now. That's where we
Speaker 1: are at in our relationship. But it's like, I don't
Speaker 1: get myself worth from cleaning my house. That's not what
Speaker 1: makes me feel good about myself. I have other things
Speaker 1: that really attribute to my self worth and make me
Speaker 1: feel proud of the things that I can do. And
Speaker 1: I think for every single person it's different. Maybe for
Speaker 1: you it is keeping clean house. Maybe that is something
Speaker 1: that really makes you feel like you're kicking some fucking
Speaker 1: goals in your life, and that's great. For me, it's
Speaker 1: spending time with my kids and doing business stuff. It's
Speaker 1: just every single person is different, so you have to
Speaker 1: figure out what works for you, But you also have
Speaker 1: to figure out your triggers. What is it that makes
Speaker 1: you feel a bit worthless? What is it that makes
Speaker 1: you feel like you're not good enough? And then when
Speaker 1: you're experiencing that, acknowledge, Okay, this is something that I
Speaker 1: don't have nailed, and maybe the comparison game is making
Speaker 1: me feel bad because other people are good at this,
Speaker 1: but you are not going to be good at everything
Speaker 1: in life. Girlfriend, and it is okay if your house
Speaker 1: is covered in shit, not physical shit, that would be
Speaker 1: very hygienic.
Speaker 2: But you know what, you know what I mean. But
Speaker 2: just I just want to finish it off by saying
Speaker 2: that probably the most important thing is surrounding yourself with
Speaker 2: good people, being in a good relationship, having good friends
Speaker 2: around you, having good work colleagues around you, and controlling
Speaker 2: what you can change. So, if you know that you're
Speaker 2: keeping people around you that are no good for you,
Speaker 2: maybe that's your partner. Maybe deep down you know you're
Speaker 2: in this toxic relationship. You can't ever expect a change
Speaker 2: without changing. So the definition of insanity, as we all know,
Speaker 2: is expecting a different outcome but not doing anything different
Speaker 2: along the way. So, if you know there is someone
Speaker 2: in particular, a few people, a group of people, an
Speaker 2: environment that is not good for you, and he's putting
Speaker 2: you down and making you feel shitty, if there is
Speaker 2: an option for you to change that, which I'd be
Speaker 2: very surprised if there's not, then you should look at
Speaker 2: taking that. Okay, guys, you know we never finished an
Speaker 2: episode without our suck and our sweet a highlight, our
Speaker 2: lowlight of the week, and I'm going to kick it off.
Speaker 2: I have two socks this week. That is cheating. They
Speaker 2: happened on the same morning. Yeah, okay, yesterday, two sucks one.
Speaker 1: I'm a coffee downer. Two sucks you but no, but
Speaker 1: they're dumb sucks, like they're stupid.
Speaker 2: All right, right, it'll be same more. It was the
Speaker 2: same day I woke up in the morning. I'm a
Speaker 2: coffee fiend. I love coffee. I've got a little coffee
Speaker 2: machine at home, which I've to be fair, I've probably
Speaker 2: abused it. It broke. I got up one of my
Speaker 2: coffee and it broke, and I was devastated because it's
Speaker 2: not that old. So that was my first suck. It
Speaker 2: probably is under a year. It probably has a warranty,
Speaker 2: but I can't bother to deal with that.
Speaker 1: However, does it come down to the length of time
Speaker 1: or the amount of coffees? Because like, I've had my
Speaker 1: coffee machine for a year and it's been used about
Speaker 1: ten times.
Speaker 2: Are you serious? I find to the cows. Come on now.
Speaker 2: I really like buying coffee. I mean I do that too.
Speaker 1: I really like going to a I like the experience
Speaker 1: of getting a coffee. So I bought a coffee machine
Speaker 1: during COVID, thinking that I would use it, and then
Speaker 1: I realized, no, I just like getting coffee from cafe.
Speaker 2: Oh, I use mine daily anyway. My second sak is,
Speaker 2: if you guys follow me on the gram, you know
Speaker 2: that I'm a bit of whilt. I'm a coffee fine.
Speaker 2: I'm a bit of a plant fiend. Like I love plants.
Speaker 2: I have heaps and plants in my house. And I
Speaker 2: have this beautiful big it was probably too big for
Speaker 2: my apartment, but this beautiful big palm in my lound trip.
Speaker 2: It is a gorgeous plant. What was gorgeous? Oh dear.
Speaker 2: I also have a very very freezing apartment. It's not insulated,
Speaker 2: the windows don't even close properly, and it's so cold.
Speaker 2: So I got a heater. I put the heater on. Well, no,
Speaker 2: and I didn't realize the heater was under the farm.
Speaker 2: You know when you're younger and you get those like
Speaker 2: twisty the little chips, and you put them in the
Speaker 2: oven and they shrivel into like a mini packet, and
Speaker 2: then you turn your bird of paradise into a keyp ring. Yeah,
Speaker 2: that's what I did. It like shriveled the whole palm up.
Speaker 2: It's hurled in on itself like a little hermit crab,
Speaker 2: and I'm devastated because it was I was really expensive,
Speaker 2: but with my pride and joy, it was like the
Speaker 2: best thing I've ever done in my life was keep
Speaker 2: this palm lot.
Speaker 1: That's when you know that you're a real adult, when
Speaker 1: you're like pride and enjoy is having plant babies. Honestly,
Speaker 1: like people walk in and they're like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I love your plants, and it just gives you this
Speaker 1: real sense of like accomplishment. You're like, I know, I'm
Speaker 1: an adult that has my shit together. Look at my plants.
Speaker 2: I've admitted defeat. I'm old.
Speaker 1: There we well not anymore because you managed to fuck
Speaker 1: this one up. So then that means that you're retaining
Speaker 1: your youth. Only twenty year olds kill their plants, all right,
Speaker 1: what's yours?
Speaker 2: Okay? I have one one aage. I'm sticking to the rules.
Speaker 1: So I suck this week is that Marley is still
Speaker 1: not sleeping.
Speaker 2: It's making it's making everything.
Speaker 1: It's making everyday jobs very hard, running on like four
Speaker 1: hours sleep, and we have a newborn. I would think
Speaker 1: that the newborn should be responsible for that, But no,
Speaker 1: the toddler doesn't sleep anyway. That's my suck, the lack
Speaker 1: of sleep. I think last night I got up seven
Speaker 1: times in six hours.
Speaker 2: Gross seeing stars. It's so you look good though you
Speaker 2: have kids. Kids are a great idea, like if you
Speaker 2: really want to get to the best contraception for me.
Speaker 1: Okay, No, I think Molly's actually getting her molars, which
Speaker 1: would explain why she's been awake like a million times.
Speaker 2: Anyway, Okay, my.
Speaker 1: Sweet is that my sister is a labor and she
Speaker 1: just messaged me to say that she is getting contractions
Speaker 1: now after her water's broke.
Speaker 2: You better get the hell out of here.
Speaker 1: Today is her due date, so she will be having
Speaker 1: a baby in a few hours, which is great.
Speaker 2: We're gonna go to them having a baby that is here.
Speaker 2: We've got to get Laura to the hospital so she
Speaker 2: can deliver a baby.
Speaker 1: Also, I just want to say thank you to everybody
Speaker 1: who has left a review recently. You guys are amazing
Speaker 1: some of the reviews. I was in tears reading the
Speaker 1: reviews the other day, which sounds I'm hormonal, I'm breast deprivation.
Speaker 1: It's a lot going on, but to know how much
Speaker 1: this podcasts has made an impact in some people's lives
Speaker 1: really means the absolute world to Brittan Night. I mean,
Speaker 1: as much as we're here to bring the moles and
Speaker 1: bring the funny stories, we really hope that and we
Speaker 1: really appreciate how much you guys appreciate the fact that
Speaker 1: we do a lot of research for these podcast episodes
Speaker 1: and we put a lot of time and energy and
Speaker 1: love into it because it means the world to us
Speaker 1: to be able to do this.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and we do want to make a difference. So
Speaker 2: when you guys tell us that it does make a
Speaker 2: difference in some way, which we actually got so many
Speaker 2: of you writing after the anxiety episode, which we we
Speaker 2: just loved because that was important to us to do
Speaker 2: that in a really good way, in an effective way
Speaker 2: and do it justice. So thank you so much to
Speaker 2: everyone that wading in. We love you, We love that
Speaker 2: you love us.
Speaker 1: That was weird that jump onto the Instagram which is
Speaker 1: at Life Uncut Podcast, Jump onto Facebook which is also
Speaker 1: a Life Uncut podcast group. And you know the drill,
Speaker 1: Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell
Speaker 1: you cousin, t fish, tell you frog too. We'll just
Speaker 1: tell everybody and share the love because
Speaker 2: We love love