Speaker 1: This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. Hi guys, and
Speaker 1: welcome back to another episode of Life.
Speaker 2: I'm cant, I'm Laura, I'm Bretnany, and this is asking
Speaker 2: can't where we answer You're deep, you're dark, and you're
Speaker 2: burnie questions.
Speaker 1: I am not coping.
Speaker 3: Sorry with how cold it is coming back from Italy,
Speaker 3: coming back from BALI.
Speaker 4: I don't want to.
Speaker 5: Brag, but that's where I was for my wedding. I
Speaker 5: realized that that is not relatable right now, and I'm sorry.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna apologize for what I just said.
Speaker 5: I'm not coping.
Speaker 3: My house is so cold that I have to wear
Speaker 3: a beanie, thermal socks, thermals, a puffer, and a blanket
Speaker 3: just to survive in my loundroom.
Speaker 2: I don't know if pregnancy makes you run hotter like,
Speaker 2: I'm not sure.
Speaker 1: Maybe that's a thing. Yeah, google it.
Speaker 2: I don't want to spread misinformation, doctor Laura, but I
Speaker 2: like everybody was texting while we were waving, like.
Speaker 1: Oh god, it's so cod here.
Speaker 2: I know that Ballet's so And then I got back
Speaker 2: here and I was surprised by how not cold I am,
Speaker 2: Like I have nothing underneath this.
Speaker 1: I'm just running around in a nice little like loose knit.
Speaker 4: Do you know how I know that you're cold? Though?
Speaker 6: The way that you can tell that Laura is cold
Speaker 6: or that it's cold outside is that you wear clothed
Speaker 6: in shoes. I reckon, I've seen you wear clothes and
Speaker 6: shoes maybe six times in my life.
Speaker 1: I only own one pair of clothed in shoes.
Speaker 3: And then they're like, totally, I don't have socks on you,
Speaker 3: so I have a rank.
Speaker 4: I can't wear.
Speaker 5: You can't wear sneakers like that are the leather.
Speaker 1: I don't know what they are.
Speaker 5: Their leather sneak is with no sot.
Speaker 2: A rough morning and I looked like I got dressed
Speaker 2: in a wheelibin. But that's okay, but cute, it's part.
Speaker 2: It's yeah, I atu. I woke up to Lola like
Speaker 2: she was having a real moment. So I woke up
Speaker 2: to her crying and I walked into the bedroom. I
Speaker 2: thought she was sick, and I was like, what's happening?
Speaker 2: Like you know, because it was a.
Speaker 5: Cry barley belly.
Speaker 1: It was while she's been saying she's got a sort tumming.
Speaker 1: I don't know. It was like, what's going on? Girlfriend?
Speaker 2: She cried for between fifteen to twenty minutes on repeat,
Speaker 2: saying I I don't want to be asleep anymore. And
Speaker 2: I was like, god, friend, the fact that you're yelling
Speaker 2: at me would indicate that you are indeed awake, unless
Speaker 2: she's sleepwalking.
Speaker 5: I used to do that sleep talking.
Speaker 1: She was completely awake.
Speaker 2: I think you know when your body is so tired
Speaker 2: and you are so tired, but you're like, just want
Speaker 2: to get up and get going, but you can't because
Speaker 2: you're exhausted. But she's, as a four year old, didn't
Speaker 2: have the vocab to explain it, so she just kept saying.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be sleep anymore. Then when I
Speaker 1: was like, you're awake, she then would hit me.
Speaker 2: And then I was like, see you can hit me,
Speaker 2: so you're awake and this was my morning.
Speaker 1: So give me some slack about the socks, all right.
Speaker 5: I won't because they'll stink by the end of the day.
Speaker 3: But it's so funny that, like this is not breaking news,
Speaker 3: but when you're a kid, all the things that you hate,
Speaker 3: it's all you want to do when you're an adult,
Speaker 3: like put me to sleep, put me to bed, tuck
Speaker 3: me in, and let me sleep.
Speaker 5: That's all I'd want right now.
Speaker 1: She was like, I don't want to be asleep, and
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't want to be awake.
Speaker 7: Yeah, I particularly I'm seeing Lola upset.
Speaker 6: At the airport in Bali. Laura and I caught the
Speaker 6: same flight back. It was a genuine sadness. It was
Speaker 6: like the post holiday blues hit Lola anybody else.
Speaker 1: And she was so sad to be leaving.
Speaker 7: And she was like, I just don't want to not
Speaker 7: be on holidays.
Speaker 4: And I was like same, babe.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, she's never recovered. It's been a week.
Speaker 5: Speaking of I was gonna take so many segways.
Speaker 3: Then there's so many places to go. Okay, let me
Speaker 3: go back. Lola was so funny. Well, Lola and Marley
Speaker 3: in the pool at Barley. So we had a recovery
Speaker 3: session after the wedding. The day after the wedding, everyone
Speaker 3: just came. It was just a pool party. It was
Speaker 3: so fun, super chill.
Speaker 5: We had burgers, fries, whatever, and the girls had it.
Speaker 5: I say that it's important.
Speaker 3: So I just smashed some burgers and Lola comes up
Speaker 3: to me in the pool.
Speaker 5: She's like, you have a baby in your belly. And
Speaker 5: I was like what. I was like, sorry, what? And
Speaker 5: then I started being like, have I in too many burgers?
Speaker 1: I bet.
Speaker 3: No, I didn't, But it was she had so much confidence.
Speaker 3: And I was like, do you know something I don't know,
Speaker 3: like what Uncle.
Speaker 6: Panna's put in, what Uncle bann has done to me
Speaker 6: last night?
Speaker 1: No, I was like, what do you mean.
Speaker 5: She's like, yeah, the baby in there. She's like poking
Speaker 5: my belly, I said, talk about that.
Speaker 3: She goes because uncle Ben did this, and then she
Speaker 3: got down on one knee and opened her hands like
Speaker 3: she was proposing.
Speaker 6: She goes.
Speaker 3: She goes because uncle Ben went like this, will you
Speaker 3: marry me? And then she did it? And then she goes,
Speaker 3: So now there's a baby in your belly.
Speaker 4: And I was like, I was like, there's no one.
Speaker 1: We haven't gone to the birds and the bees say yet.
Speaker 1: I'm sure you can tell.
Speaker 4: It was so fine.
Speaker 6: I excited to find out when Blola realizes that that
Speaker 6: situation was reversed for her.
Speaker 4: She was at the wedding of her parents.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, when she don't have to figure it out.
Speaker 1: Well, she hasn't quite figured that out.
Speaker 2: Also, there's nothing more humbling than the day when your
Speaker 2: kid asks you, mommy, I know that there's a baby
Speaker 2: in your belly, but how did it get in there?
Speaker 2: And you're like, well, let's strap on it. It's called
Speaker 2: the stalk flies in the sky. I really, I still
Speaker 2: don't know the best way to approach that. I just
Speaker 2: kind of steamrolled to another conversation. I was like five
Speaker 2: and four too young?
Speaker 4: Too young?
Speaker 5: No, too young. I think you can say I don't
Speaker 5: think you lie about the stalk.
Speaker 1: No, I didn't say that. Yeah, but I.
Speaker 5: Think you can just say it's what happens when like
Speaker 5: two people I was.
Speaker 3: Gonna say, love each other, but it definitely happens without
Speaker 3: loving each other as well.
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 1: You just say yeah.
Speaker 4: It's like I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 1: You ask me the one price to thank you that
Speaker 1: was zero help. Thank you for being absolutely no help
Speaker 1: on the matter.
Speaker 7: Do you getting devised and had subscribed to the week?
Speaker 1: Let's do it all right.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna go first, and that is because I had
Speaker 2: so many questions. And I'm not just saying that as
Speaker 2: some influencer online. It's like, hey, guys, that's so many questions.
Speaker 2: This is most music no one ever asked it's so far. Okay,
Speaker 2: I'm not a handbag person. I don't have a lot
Speaker 2: of handbags. I have like a very functional one which
Speaker 2: I use a lot. You guys know, that's the by
Speaker 2: main one, and I use that.
Speaker 1: All the time.
Speaker 4: I know what you're going.
Speaker 1: But then I have a couple of good ones which
Speaker 1: I use for weddings. I use the same one over
Speaker 1: and over.
Speaker 2: And I have a couple of good ones that I
Speaker 2: would use if I need like an oversized bag to
Speaker 2: go out. And they're all from the same brand. So
Speaker 2: they're from a brand. It's an Australian label and it's
Speaker 2: called Vistercy. Am I saying it right, Brick, because I
Speaker 2: know you have a lot of them. Yeah, I have
Speaker 2: the same bags you. I have loads of them Forstercy
Speaker 2: and their Italian lever really well made Australian label, and
Speaker 2: I think the thing that's like the most appealing about
Speaker 2: them is that they're also very well priced pointed, Like
Speaker 2: the price point on them is great for how good
Speaker 2: quality they are.
Speaker 5: The one that I've got right there is vests.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I mean look, and it's not just me.
Speaker 2: I've gotten Ellie, my mother and Laura is now on them.
Speaker 1: She's got two Vastursy bags.
Speaker 2: And it was only off the back of your wedding Briut,
Speaker 2: but actually the pre wedding, the white party that you
Speaker 2: had the day before, where I posted what I was wearing,
Speaker 2: I had so many people asking about the bag that
Speaker 2: I had that I thought, you know what, this is
Speaker 2: actually a brand that I think a lot of people
Speaker 2: need to get around that specific one is not available anymore.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's really old.
Speaker 3: Also, Laura's taken it to any event we've ever been
Speaker 3: to her one bag and Forsterce's listening block here ears.
Speaker 5: But I've seen Laura throw.
Speaker 3: That thing like where's a photo and she doesn't want
Speaker 3: it in it or something, or.
Speaker 1: She's she's like shows it around. It's like so durable.
Speaker 2: It doesn't have a single mark on it, considering how
Speaker 2: I've treated it. And yeah, for something that I used
Speaker 2: so often and I genuinely think the quality is amazing.
Speaker 1: Like if you're looking for a great new bag, whether it's.
Speaker 2: For work or for that one thing that you're going
Speaker 2: to take out on repeat with every outfit, I recommend it.
Speaker 2: So it's forestersy Australian brand, and yeah, you can just
Speaker 2: get it online.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I get compliments on this bat. You guys can't
Speaker 5: see it? Should I hold it up for you?
Speaker 3: Sure?
Speaker 5: Just in case, just go just look at it. It's beautiful.
Speaker 3: It's like a Mary Poppins bag though it's not that huge,
Speaker 3: but fits so much in it.
Speaker 5: Cele real surprise package.
Speaker 3: Anyway, My vibe this week is a show that I'm
Speaker 3: obsessed with. It has just come out on Apple TV
Speaker 3: and has Owen Wilson in it.
Speaker 5: Who I love Owen Wilson personally. I feel like you
Speaker 5: either love him or hate him. But it's called stick.
Speaker 3: I feel like Owen hasn't done anything in a long time,
Speaker 3: and he doesn't do TV shows. When you think about it,
Speaker 3: he's always just like rom com movies.
Speaker 4: I just feel like he's.
Speaker 6: That character who plays the same character in every single thing.
Speaker 4: I like him too, but you know what you're getting.
Speaker 5: Well, this one's a little bit different.
Speaker 3: But he's a It is a comedy still, but he
Speaker 3: is a like washed up retired professional golfer who has
Speaker 3: just lost his way in life. He had one big
Speaker 3: breakdown and he's trying to get back on his feet.
Speaker 3: He finds a young kid that he sees some talent
Speaker 3: in but he's a bit off the rails too, like
Speaker 3: doesn't want to be involved in golf.
Speaker 5: And it's only they're releasing week by week.
Speaker 3: There's four episodes out at the moment, but it's just
Speaker 3: like coming out week by week from now. But the
Speaker 3: first four Ben and I were just like hooked watched NonStop.
Speaker 1: Who was the actor in this?
Speaker 3: Alan Wilson, Oh, I am you know the particular loo
Speaker 3: blonde hair, looks like he's had a broken nose.
Speaker 1: Everything he did one where he's a heroin addict or something.
Speaker 1: At one point, I think you're thinking Matthew mcconoughey. I'm
Speaker 1: thinking him. I know exactly. Oh, he's also in had
Speaker 1: Is Guntender.
Speaker 5: He's in a lot. He's a big Hollywood actor.
Speaker 1: He's the main Yeah, he's the main guy from Hadelo's Gutend.
Speaker 4: Isn't that Matthew McConaughey.
Speaker 1: No, I thought it was him, wasn't it. I'm pretty
Speaker 1: sure it's Matthew.
Speaker 5: But I see where you're going, Laura. They look very similar.
Speaker 1: So bad they look similar. I thought I got that one.
Speaker 7: I think more so they sound kind of similar.
Speaker 5: But I just really really like it.
Speaker 3: I really like seeing him in something different like a
Speaker 3: TV series, and it's just I haven't seen anything like it.
Speaker 5: I feel like a lot.
Speaker 3: Of streamers now pump out very similar things in a
Speaker 3: slightly different way. I just haven't seen anything like this.
Speaker 3: So it's called stick Apple TV.
Speaker 5: If you have Apple. Can't recommend it enough.
Speaker 6: My vibe this week is something that I truly cannot
Speaker 6: believe I'm actually vibing.
Speaker 7: It is Pierce Morgan Uncensored.
Speaker 4: Bear with me. I have very strong opinions on Piers Morgan.
Speaker 6: I assume that most people listen to this podcast probably
Speaker 6: have similar opinions on Piers Morgan.
Speaker 5: However, this was with the person who I was shot
Speaker 5: to the top.
Speaker 6: Of my list of celebrity favorites, like he's so far
Speaker 6: in my past basket. It is Prof g Or Scott Galloway.
Speaker 6: I've recommended his Prof Gene Markets podcast before. That's the
Speaker 6: one he does. I kind of said that it was
Speaker 6: like a good early access to the finance well, but
Speaker 6: what I liked about it is that it's for me
Speaker 6: that podcast is a bit of a crossover of like
Speaker 6: pop culture and markets, and I've kind of realized that
Speaker 6: all of these things are super interconnected. And with this
Speaker 6: drama that I'm sure we all heard about to do
Speaker 6: with elong Musk and Trump and America, Like, this is
Speaker 6: the main time that I can think of where I
Speaker 6: think pop culture, finance, and politics has all kind of
Speaker 6: just mished into one.
Speaker 1: The ven diagram is much closer than it used to
Speaker 1: be totally.
Speaker 7: It's like a complete circle at the moment.
Speaker 6: And I was really I guess I was just quite
Speaker 6: fascinated in a really negative way to see the fallout
Speaker 6: of how this happened and kind of see how it's
Speaker 6: impacting so many people, particularly in America at the moment.
Speaker 6: But this debate that happened on Piers Morgan Uncensored, which
Speaker 6: is a YouTube channel. It's titled Musk Derangement Syndrome, Doge
Speaker 6: Legacy Debate Scott Galloway versus Kevin O'Leary. So, Scott Galloway,
Speaker 6: this is prof g that I'm kind of obsessed with.
Speaker 6: He is like a moderate progressive. He does not like
Speaker 6: Donald Trump.
Speaker 4: He often refers to.
Speaker 6: Him as a fucking idiot on his own podcast, and
Speaker 6: he hates Elon mask Well, yeah, he doesn't respect Elon.
Speaker 6: And what I really liked about this kind of debate
Speaker 6: I guess a lot of people in the comments were
Speaker 6: saying that it was the most civilized and thought provoking
Speaker 6: debate that they had seen on Piers Morgan.
Speaker 7: Like often Peers just starts yelling at people and everyone.
Speaker 4: Just talks over the top of each other.
Speaker 5: I watched it.
Speaker 3: Peers was so considered and just let them speak, and
Speaker 3: you could see he was thinking about it.
Speaker 2: Ah, yeah, I agree with that, because I do feel
Speaker 2: like he constantly speaks. He will say something and then
Speaker 2: just constantly railroad by speaking over the top of the
Speaker 2: person and so that they can't argue back at all.
Speaker 1: It's infuriating.
Speaker 6: It was actually trying to think about why that might
Speaker 6: be the case, and I think it's because Scott kind
Speaker 6: of talks their language. He is a white, middle aged,
Speaker 6: very rich man who made all of his money himself.
Speaker 6: He can kind of go toe to toe with them,
Speaker 6: and in a way, I'm like, oh, they actually respect Scott,
Speaker 6: which is kind of misogynistic in nature. So there was
Speaker 6: this one particular point of the interview where Piers Morgan
Speaker 6: was literally speechless.
Speaker 7: He's only a response to it was well, and this
Speaker 7: is what Scott had to say about.
Speaker 8: Elong must somehow we've decided in America that innovation and
Speaker 8: money replaces, or obviates, or excuses depravity. I think one
Speaker 8: of the wonderful things about being an American, and quite frankly,
Speaker 8: for me, what it means to be a man, and
Speaker 8: what I try to teach my boys is the whole
Speaker 8: point of prosperity is that's that you can protect people.
Speaker 8: And I think the two of you are more impressed
Speaker 8: with mister muss than I am. I think if somebody
Speaker 8: is making Nazi salutes, if somebody is being sued concurrently
Speaker 8: by two women for soul custody of their child because
Speaker 8: that person has not spent any time with that child,
Speaker 8: when someone is so severely addicted to drugs they can't
Speaker 8: get their together to show up to the White House
Speaker 8: without looking exceptionally high, I don't think that's the right
Speaker 8: role model for young men. So what I would ask
Speaker 8: to all of us is, look at what money has
Speaker 8: done to us. That if someone can land a rocket
Speaker 8: on metal scissors or create a great av he's a genius.
Speaker 8: He's the wealthiest man in the world. Does that mean
Speaker 8: we should excuse depravity? Does that mean, unlike Bill Gates,
Speaker 8: he's not using his billions to help people. I think
Speaker 8: this is an individual who has literally come off the tracks,
Speaker 8: who was rapidly addicted to drugs, and is using his
Speaker 8: immense power to get people elected, and that too many
Speaker 8: of us excuse what is abhorrent behavior. I think his
Speaker 8: legacy is not going to be an ev or putting
Speaker 8: rockets into space. I think it's going to be unnecessary death, disease,
Speaker 8: and disability of the world's most vulnerable. That is not
Speaker 8: what it means to be an innovator. It's not what
Speaker 8: it means to be an American. It's not what it
Speaker 8: means to be a man.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I watched it, and I thought it's the most
Speaker 3: calm and educated takedown of somebody that I'd ever seen.
Speaker 5: I really enjoyed it as well.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 7: So it's about forty five minutes on YouTube.
Speaker 6: If you're into either finance, politics, or kind of the
Speaker 6: pop culture crossover like I am. I really really enjoyed it,
Speaker 6: even though I hate adding to the views that PE's Morgan.
Speaker 1: Yes, but it was.
Speaker 7: Yeah, it was actually quite an interesting and level debate.
Speaker 4: I thought, all right, let's get into it.
Speaker 5: Question number one.
Speaker 3: I've got a story here, girls, that's been really weighing
Speaker 3: on me, and I'm hoping to get your thoughts on it.
Speaker 5: Let me take you back to when I was born.
Speaker 4: A long story.
Speaker 3: I was adopted at just six weeks old, and right
Speaker 3: from the start, the adoption agency told my parents something surprising.
Speaker 3: They mentioned that my biological parents had also given birth
Speaker 3: to a baby boy two years before me, and that
Speaker 3: he too had been adopted. The agency asked if my
Speaker 3: parents would be interested in meeting him, my biological brother,
Speaker 3: and of course, my adoptive parents said yes, absolutely So
Speaker 3: from a really young age, my brother and I have
Speaker 3: been very close. We've celebrated birthdays together and grown up
Speaker 3: from that unique connection. Fast forward to now, we're both
Speaker 3: the same stage of life, starting the families.
Speaker 5: Of our own.
Speaker 3: It's a whole new chapter and it's made me start
Speaker 3: thinking about meeting my biological parents. I've wondered if I
Speaker 3: should make an attempt to meet them and try to
Speaker 3: learn more about my roots. Here's where it gets tricky.
Speaker 3: My brother has absolutely no interest in meeting our biological parents.
Speaker 3: He's content with the life that he has built and
Speaker 3: doesn't want to stir the pot. So here's my dilemma.
Speaker 3: Do I tell him that I'm planning on meeting our
Speaker 3: biological parents.
Speaker 5: Should I respect his wishes.
Speaker 3: Not to pursue it, or do I just go ahead
Speaker 3: and meet them without mentioning it to him. I'm torn,
Speaker 3: and I'm curious. What would you guys do in my shoes?
Speaker 2: I mean, it's really tricky for us to unpack this
Speaker 2: when we've never been in the situation of the yearning
Speaker 2: for knowing what was I guess, like the biology behind
Speaker 2: who we are. But I also think that if you
Speaker 2: have those feelings, you're absolutely allowed to pursue them. Like,
Speaker 2: on one hand, yes, respect your brother's wishes that he
Speaker 2: doesn't want to, but on the other hand, he needs
Speaker 2: to respect your wishes that you do want to your
Speaker 2: individual people. You live individual lives, and you've both had
Speaker 2: a similar experience through adoption, but you've had your own
Speaker 2: unique experiences as well. I would say that it's a
Speaker 2: conversation with your brother and say that you are going
Speaker 2: to pursue this, but you respect his decision and unless
Speaker 2: he asks or wants to know information, you're not going
Speaker 2: to share it with him.
Speaker 1: And I think that that is probably.
Speaker 2: Going to be quite hard for you because when you
Speaker 2: find out you're going to want to you're going to
Speaker 2: want to talk to someone about it. Naturally, you're probably
Speaker 2: going to want to talk to him about it. But
Speaker 2: he may not be the right person in this instance
Speaker 2: for you to speak about because that might be breaching
Speaker 2: his boundaries. So I would say, go ahead and do it,
Speaker 2: go ahead and seek out what it is that you're
Speaker 2: looking for, but also respect that that's not going to
Speaker 2: be something that everybody wants, you know, and that that's
Speaker 2: not what your brother wants.
Speaker 5: It's so tricky.
Speaker 3: I agree with everything you said, Laura, Like this is
Speaker 3: your life and you've made the decision that you want
Speaker 3: to know about it, and that's totally fine. Like this
Speaker 3: is your history and your parents, and you're allowed to
Speaker 3: do whatever it is you want to do. You love
Speaker 3: your brother and you respect him, and that's why you
Speaker 3: are even considering, maybe not following your passion of finding
Speaker 3: out your roots, because you do love him and care
Speaker 3: about him, and I think that that's really amazing. It's
Speaker 3: tricky because it's pretty easy for us to say, you
Speaker 3: know what, you respect each other's wishes.
Speaker 5: He doesn't have to know. That's his choice, and you
Speaker 5: can go and find out that's your choice. It's tricky
Speaker 5: because it's opening a can of worms.
Speaker 3: And like you said, Laura, whether or not you try
Speaker 3: so hard to say, I'm never going to mention anything,
Speaker 3: there is a chance that maybe you find them and
Speaker 3: form a relationship with them, and they become a part
Speaker 3: of your life, and then by default, they're going to
Speaker 3: eventually be a part of your brother's life, even if
Speaker 3: he still chooses not to. They might end up at
Speaker 3: a family event, or you know, they might want to
Speaker 3: have some kind of contact. They might ask you to
Speaker 3: reach out to him. You don't know what is going
Speaker 3: to happen. You might meet them, And I say this
Speaker 3: with full respect. I know people this has happened to
Speaker 3: This happened to my mum. Actually she wasn't adopted, but
Speaker 3: her dad left when she was only five and she
Speaker 3: never saw him again and she ended up tracking him down.
Speaker 3: But you might meet them and find them and they
Speaker 3: want nothing to do with him, Like you do, not
Speaker 3: know how it's going to end up. But yeah, it
Speaker 3: just sounds like you have made the decision and you're
Speaker 3: thinking about it, and I can't imagine what that's like.
Speaker 3: I don't imagine that that feeling's going to go away.
Speaker 3: Once you have that curiosity and desire to know where
Speaker 3: you came from.
Speaker 5: I don't think that's going to go away.
Speaker 3: So I do think you need to have a combo
Speaker 3: with your brother and say, this is the track that
Speaker 3: I want to go down, and you let me know
Speaker 3: what your boundaries are or what you want to know
Speaker 3: if you want to know if I've found them, And
Speaker 3: then in a way, I guess you're going to have
Speaker 3: to respect that. If he says, go for it, but
Speaker 3: tell me nothing, you're going to have to do your
Speaker 3: best to really do that.
Speaker 2: I'd be so interested to know whether you have the
Speaker 2: same biological dad as well, or it's just the same
Speaker 2: biological mom, because it could be different dads, same mom.
Speaker 3: They've said biological parents, so I think they might be
Speaker 3: from I mean that's.
Speaker 5: What she said. She said it a few times and
Speaker 5: she says biological parents.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Interesting.
Speaker 2: I mean, gosh, it would be fascinating, right, Like you
Speaker 2: would want a question and want to know why, like, okay, well,
Speaker 2: if we have the same biological parents, why did you
Speaker 2: give two children up for adoption in two years, like
Speaker 2: two babies. It's not like it was two kids at
Speaker 2: the same time. It was one baby, and then two
Speaker 2: years later you had another baby, and you gave.
Speaker 1: That baby away as well.
Speaker 2: It happens a lot, I know it does, but I
Speaker 2: guess like usually there is some sort of reasoning as
Speaker 2: to what that family is going through, all the reasons
Speaker 2: why they're unable to or unwilling to, you know, provide.
Speaker 2: I do think that there is a way that you
Speaker 2: can navigate this without dragging your brother into it if
Speaker 2: he has explicitly asked not to be. And the reason
Speaker 2: why I say that is from a very very well
Speaker 2: I should say, different, personal experience, but also I think
Speaker 2: it can be related to this. My stepdad was out
Speaker 2: of the picture, so my stepdad my mom's second husband,
Speaker 2: not the one who passed away recently that I talk
Speaker 2: about and talk about with the.
Speaker 1: Absolute love and fondness. Neil.
Speaker 2: My mum was remarried when I was young to my stepdad,
Speaker 2: who was really horrible and quite abusive, and I've spoken
Speaker 2: about it before on the pod. But the good thing
Speaker 2: that came out of that relationship was that we had
Speaker 2: my little brother, Matt. So Matt is quite a bit
Speaker 2: young than me, and Alex was out of the picture
Speaker 2: when Matt was born. And now the thing is, Matt
Speaker 2: grew up not really ever knowing the intricacies of the
Speaker 2: stuff that we all experienced as kids growing up with
Speaker 2: his dad in that household. He was too little, Yeah,
Speaker 2: he was, well, he was really little, and there was
Speaker 2: absolutely no reason to tell him because Alex was gone.
Speaker 2: He wasn't in the picture anymore. So Matt grew up
Speaker 2: completely not knowing his dad, I think. So he grew
Speaker 2: up not knowing his dad, and I grew up very
Speaker 2: adamant that I didn't want him to know his dad,
Speaker 2: and I was very verbal about it, which in retrospect
Speaker 2: probably wasn't my place to be, Like, it wasn't my
Speaker 2: place to tell him that he shouldn't have a relationship
Speaker 2: with his dad if he wanted to seek it out,
Speaker 2: But I was like, I don't want any reason for
Speaker 2: him to come back into my life at all. So
Speaker 2: that's where I was coming from with that conversation. I
Speaker 2: found out years and years later, when I was in
Speaker 2: my mid twenties or probably early thirties. No, actually, I
Speaker 2: found out when I was in my early thirties that
Speaker 2: my brother had sought out a relationship with him, and
Speaker 2: my brother never told me so for years he had
Speaker 2: connection with his stepdad, sorry with his biological dad and
Speaker 2: my stepdad, and I would have hated. I would have
Speaker 2: hated knowing that he was doing that at the time.
Speaker 2: And I'm really grateful to some respects that my brother
Speaker 2: didn't tell me. I don't know if it was because
Speaker 2: he couldn't be bothered with the drama that it might
Speaker 2: have caused. But at the same time, that's his journey
Speaker 2: and that was his path to walk, and he needed
Speaker 2: to either a close that chapter or b discover what
Speaker 2: it was and who he was and where he came from.
Speaker 2: But he managed to navigate that without me being a
Speaker 2: part of it, and so I do think it's possible.
Speaker 3: That's interesting because I mean, I haven't been in the
Speaker 3: situation again, But it's interesting because when you were talking
Speaker 3: about that, I didn't think that's what you're going to say.
Speaker 3: I thought you were going to say you were mad
Speaker 3: that you didn't know. And that's maybe an indication that
Speaker 3: it's so dependent on the individual.
Speaker 5: Your brother, Oh, we don't know him.
Speaker 3: He might be mad if he finds out you've done
Speaker 3: it behind his back, or he might be grateful that
Speaker 3: you haven't told him, which is why I think you
Speaker 3: just had the conversation and be upfront and just say, hey,
Speaker 3: if I choose to go down the path of finding them, like,
Speaker 3: don't say I'm going to maybe just say, if I
Speaker 3: choose to go down this path, can I just get
Speaker 3: a feel of the room, Like do you want to
Speaker 3: know at all? Or do your totally yeah, and just
Speaker 3: have the conversation. When my mom tracked her dad down,
Speaker 3: like I said, he left when she was like five
Speaker 3: or under, just walked out and never came back. And
Speaker 3: she tracked him down when she was maybe close to forty,
Speaker 3: like she was a grown adult, and they decided her
Speaker 3: and sisters decided that hey, let's see who he is.
Speaker 3: And she met him and she regrets ever meeting him.
Speaker 3: She was like, there was zero point he didn't have
Speaker 3: an interest in me. Then he doesn't have an interest
Speaker 3: in us.
Speaker 1: Now, like you know.
Speaker 5: And they needed to do that for themselves and their
Speaker 5: own closure.
Speaker 3: And it could have gone the other way. It could
Speaker 3: have been amazing and they could have had a relationship.
Speaker 3: Didn't pan out that way for them.
Speaker 2: Sometimes these sort of reconciliations or meetings or finding the
Speaker 2: answers to your biological parents sometimes they have really beautiful results,
Speaker 2: and we've definitely seen those on the podcast before we've
Speaker 2: spoken to people who.
Speaker 1: Have had that.
Speaker 2: But also sometimes there's a reason why that person wasn't
Speaker 2: in your life in the first place, and it's a
Speaker 2: disappointing result, but that in and of itself can be
Speaker 2: closure that someone might need or want. So yeah, I
Speaker 2: think it's a tricky one.
Speaker 3: I would love to hear this one as an aftermath,
Speaker 3: particularly if you decide to go down the route. If
Speaker 3: you do, do you find them, how does it go?
Speaker 3: Did you have the conversation with your brother or if
Speaker 3: you're listening now and you've been in a similar situation,
Speaker 3: just write. If you're comfortable, you can say anonymous, but
Speaker 3: write in and let us know how it went for you,
Speaker 3: because it's not a situation that a lot of people
Speaker 3: are in. So yeah, I would be interested to hear
Speaker 3: how it went for you, all right.
Speaker 2: Question two, I would love to know your thoughts on
Speaker 2: gift registries for a baby shower. I have a lovely
Speaker 2: friend who has created a gift registry for an upcoming
Speaker 2: baby shower. It has a variety of different items and
Speaker 2: different prices, so there's some cheaper ones but also if
Speaker 2: you're wanting to get something more expensive, you could go
Speaker 2: in with friends. I know that this word gets thrown
Speaker 2: around a lot, but it's given me the ick. I
Speaker 2: totally get wanting to receive items that you need or want,
Speaker 2: but it seems incredibly impersonal. With this registry, you can
Speaker 2: get the gift directly delivered to the address. I'm not
Speaker 2: entirely sure how it works, but you might not even
Speaker 2: know who it has been gifted from on delivery. What
Speaker 2: do you think of gift registries for baby showers? Am
Speaker 2: I just being a sour puss?
Speaker 3: I have mixed feelings about gift registries.
Speaker 5: This might and I don't know.
Speaker 3: We're all looking at each other in the room, so
Speaker 3: I feel like I might say something's about to offend someone.
Speaker 2: Well, there's two people who have gift well not gift regiscees,
Speaker 2: but kids in the room, so have been through the
Speaker 2: Processness is our incredible video editor has just had another baby.
Speaker 2: I would love to get your take on this as well.
Speaker 2: Mess Yeah, and also myself.
Speaker 5: Gift registries, and I'm talking about not even just babies.
Speaker 3: I guess I'm gonna talk about a gift registry obviously,
Speaker 3: it's really common for weddings. I personally would never personally,
Speaker 3: but I understand a registry. I understand the idea. Back
Speaker 3: in the day, you used to get presents for weddings
Speaker 3: and babies and things like that, because you know, for
Speaker 3: a wedding, people didn't live together or create a life
Speaker 3: together before they got married back in the day, so
Speaker 3: the idea of presence were like, you're starting your new
Speaker 3: life together.
Speaker 5: Here's some saucepans for the kitchen.
Speaker 3: Here's your dowry, not even a dowry, but it was
Speaker 3: like to help you set up a life. But these days,
Speaker 3: people have lived their lives, they're living together, they've got
Speaker 3: kids before they get married, and they're same with babies.
Speaker 5: Like people are getting everything that they need.
Speaker 2: But you know, traditionally a dowry was like a big
Speaker 2: wooden case that was filled with linen. It wasn't just money,
Speaker 2: it was like linen, it was tablecloths, it was cheese
Speaker 2: knives and bread and knives.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 5: Also, I don't want a cheese knife.
Speaker 1: Ash.
Speaker 2: My career was actually so nice because I remember growing
Speaker 2: up with my grandparents and they would have so many
Speaker 2: things in their house, like the bread knife that they had,
Speaker 2: which was an exceptional bread knife. It was a wedding
Speaker 2: gift I received, and now my mum has that red knife.
Speaker 2: But there were so many things in their house that
Speaker 2: they use up until very old age that were all
Speaker 2: wedding gifts that they'd received.
Speaker 4: How do you feel if we got you a bread knife?
Speaker 4: I'd love it.
Speaker 3: My knife's are blunt, all right? No no, no, no
Speaker 3: no no. I'd what I what I was for me,
Speaker 3: And it might be personal even without a registry. I
Speaker 3: don't ask for things. I hate asking for things. I
Speaker 3: don't feel comfortable with people giving me stuff. Maybe it
Speaker 3: would feel different if I was setting up a life
Speaker 3: with someone.
Speaker 5: And it doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate it.
Speaker 3: But the idea for me of going online and putting
Speaker 3: things together and then sending it out to people and saying, hey,
Speaker 3: send me this.
Speaker 5: Stuff, I couldn't do it.
Speaker 3: But I understand it because if you know you're gonna
Speaker 3: get gifts anyway. And I say this because when you
Speaker 3: have a baby shower, everyone knows you're gonna bring something
Speaker 3: for the baby.
Speaker 1: That's the whole point of a baby sit, the whole.
Speaker 3: Point I understand where you're like Okay, cool, if we're
Speaker 3: gonna do this, this is the stuff that I haven't
Speaker 3: got yet. This is the stuff I need because nobody
Speaker 3: wants to get ten of the same thing and nothing
Speaker 3: of what they need, and I one hundred percent get it.
Speaker 3: But I do think registries you know who it's from,
Speaker 3: unless you put it's anonymous like you say, hey, this
Speaker 3: is from me, like Sally.
Speaker 1: Or because you tick it off.
Speaker 2: Yeah, once it's ticked off, it goes through to the
Speaker 2: person via now that that's the thing you're purchasing. But
Speaker 2: I'm just putting wet nurse and night nanny or my
Speaker 2: GIF registry. If anyone wants to bring me either of
Speaker 2: those two.
Speaker 1: I'm cool with it. Full time nanny, full time night nanny.
Speaker 6: I've got an experience about this that I feel like
Speaker 6: some people might relate to. So obviously I'm not a
Speaker 6: very organized person. We have some friends a little while
Speaker 6: ago they got married. They had a gift registry, and
Speaker 6: I knew that they had a gift registry, so I was.
Speaker 7: Like, cool, cook, cool, We'll deal with that when I
Speaker 7: have to.
Speaker 6: So the day before the wedding comes and went to
Speaker 6: go on the gift registry and all of the ones
Speaker 6: that were like the price point that I was thinking
Speaker 6: that God spend, they were all gone and so they
Speaker 6: were only they're really and I was like, oh.
Speaker 7: Too hard, You're getting a card with.
Speaker 6: The money I need an ATM.
Speaker 2: Look, I feel slightly differently to you, Britt, and it's
Speaker 2: to be fair and to be clear, I've never had
Speaker 2: a gift registry before. I've never done it for a
Speaker 2: baby shower. But I do think you have to keep
Speaker 2: in mind that you are in a position where you
Speaker 2: have a great income, you have a great job, and
Speaker 2: you're able to buy a lot of things that you
Speaker 2: want for yourself. So if you if you had a baby,
Speaker 2: you would be fine, Like you would be able to
Speaker 2: support and set up your nursery and everything in a
Speaker 2: totally comfortable way. There are a lot of people out
Speaker 2: there who don't have that luxury, and having a gift
Speaker 2: registry is so incredibly helpful. It stops them from having
Speaker 2: three thousand fucking muslin wraps and not a single baby bottle,
Speaker 2: do you know what I mean. So I think for
Speaker 2: some people it actually has a really great purpose. It
Speaker 2: means that they get really functional items that are absolutely
Speaker 2: going to be used and it can help support them
Speaker 2: because having a kid and needing a lot of the
Speaker 2: stuff if you're starting from scratch, can be overwhelming and expensive.
Speaker 2: I think that there is an absolute purpose to it.
Speaker 2: It doesn't offend me. I understand why people do it
Speaker 2: if they're organized enough to and I do also get
Speaker 2: why give some people the ick because it takes the
Speaker 2: personal element out of it. But I think sometimes if
Speaker 2: you know that someone's going to get you something anyway,
Speaker 2: it is a transactional affair, and so it just makes
Speaker 2: it worthwhile for everyone in that situation.
Speaker 3: It's so practical for baby showings, it's absolutely but the
Speaker 3: wedding thing.
Speaker 1: The wedding one, yeah, I don't think you need it
Speaker 1: for a wedding, just give money.
Speaker 7: I also wonder if.
Speaker 4: It's more personal than money, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 4: Like a gift registry.
Speaker 6: At least it's a gift and at least you can
Speaker 6: kind of go, well, that's what that person got me.
Speaker 2: And also there's multiple ways you can do a gift registry.
Speaker 2: You can also you can ticket. You can ticket and
Speaker 2: have it delivered straight to their person's house, which is
Speaker 2: obviously for efficiency.
Speaker 1: Or you can have it delivered to your house.
Speaker 2: You can wrap it and you can take it to
Speaker 2: the baby shower like that's also an option.
Speaker 7: But you can just text them and say that's from me.
Speaker 1: That's and you can text them and say that's from me.
Speaker 2: But I would wonder whether the person who wrote this
Speaker 2: in had had children themselves or not, because I do
Speaker 2: think you end up with a lot of stuff you
Speaker 2: don't use. Like we're having our third there are baby
Speaker 2: things in the cupboard that I have never used, and
Speaker 2: the first time they will get used is for this kid, because.
Speaker 1: We just had too much of the same stuff.
Speaker 5: But also, you don't have to get anything from the registry.
Speaker 5: You can get a gift and write a card and
Speaker 5: send it like you don't have to do it.
Speaker 2: If you want to buy a blanket from May and Moo,
Speaker 2: go nuts because they're really beautiful. They're handmaid and you'll
Speaker 2: never find nicer than that for avapy shower gift.
Speaker 1: There you go, There you go.
Speaker 4: Swipey Jeffaco.
Speaker 1: Now we don't have Tony May on this episode, but
Speaker 1: we do have me and recovered.
Speaker 5: Okay, next question.
Speaker 3: We haven't had a question like this before, but I
Speaker 3: found it interesting because I've obviously lived on my own
Speaker 3: a long time, and Laura has issues.
Speaker 4: So I have recently bought a.
Speaker 5: House with my partner thirty and thirty.
Speaker 3: Okay, stages are important. Congratulations, that's huge news. We've been
Speaker 3: living here for a few Yeah, we've been living here
Speaker 3: for a few months. Until now, I have lived in
Speaker 3: sharehouses with family, et cetera. I have realized I haven't
Speaker 3: had to spend many nights alone. When I do, I
Speaker 3: get quite nervous. And I'm talking about safety wise, being
Speaker 3: at home by myself.
Speaker 5: I've traveled for work and stuff.
Speaker 3: I've gone on holidays on my own in hotels and apartments,
Speaker 3: and I don't feel scared when I do that, but
Speaker 3: I do when I'm at my house alone at nighttime.
Speaker 3: Our house is like an outer older suburb, which is
Speaker 3: quite safe, but when my partner occasionally goes away, which
Speaker 3: is once every few months, I feel on edge. I
Speaker 3: love the idea of a night to myself, kicking back,
Speaker 3: watching TV, eating what I want, but in reality, I'm
Speaker 3: nervous and very alert to every single noise. My question
Speaker 3: is do other women feel like this? And what do
Speaker 3: you do to feel more confident at home on your own?
Speaker 1: Just don't be at home on your own, moving with your.
Speaker 4: Mother in law, Well, you might not have that option.
Speaker 3: Have children, would like Laura, I can Laura's like, what's alone?
Speaker 2: Honestly though, I can relate to this so deeply, and
Speaker 2: I wish I could tell you that I had a solution.
Speaker 2: I have incredibly bad anxiety about being home alone by myself,
Speaker 2: to the point that when I was in my twenties,
Speaker 2: I would sleep with a knife in my bed. So
Speaker 2: like that is psychotic, I know, but I did that.
Speaker 2: I was genuinely petrified. I would sleep with the lights on.
Speaker 2: I would check every door. I would go and check
Speaker 2: the oven like five times to make sure that the
Speaker 2: house wasn't going to burn down. I would check the windows,
Speaker 2: I would check in cupboards, I would check under beds.
Speaker 2: Like I still have a lot of those traits, and
Speaker 2: I know that that's not normal. I've definitely spoke to
Speaker 2: people about it, even just recently when we went away
Speaker 2: to Bali. I was staying in a hotel room by myself.
Speaker 2: My sister was only across the hallway, but every night
Speaker 2: before i'd go to bed, I check every cupboard, I
Speaker 2: check under every bed, I check every door.
Speaker 1: I still do that.
Speaker 2: I physically cannot go to sleep without going through a
Speaker 2: bit of a routine and checking. The problem is, though,
Speaker 2: is that And maybe I'll be incorrect in saying this
Speaker 2: once again into information that anxiety begets anxiety around this.
Speaker 2: The more you do those things, the more that you
Speaker 2: give yourself anxiety. So the more that you check, the
Speaker 2: more that you then have to continue to check, and
Speaker 2: it kind of reinforces that you're unsafe. I am rarely
Speaker 2: alone now, rarely alone because I do live with my
Speaker 2: mother in law and I have my kids with me
Speaker 2: all the time. And it sounds stupid my kids can't
Speaker 2: protect me, but even just having them in the house,
Speaker 2: I find a comfort because when I'm completely alone, I
Speaker 2: find my brain gets very carried away with itself, to
Speaker 2: the point where when Matt was in the jungle, when
Speaker 2: he would go away and do other things, like she'ld
Speaker 2: go and stay it at Matt's sister's house, I would,
Speaker 2: And this is probably why my kids have a problemly
Speaker 2: sleeping there in bed.
Speaker 1: I would get.
Speaker 2: Lola or Marley and I would put them in bed
Speaker 2: with me so that I wasn't sleeping on my own,
Speaker 2: purely because you.
Speaker 9: Can sacrifice them first sacrifice them, run allow a one
Speaker 9: Marley's lighter so I could just stroller like a bird
Speaker 9: at the introder.
Speaker 2: No, it was so that they were close to me,
Speaker 2: so there's something happened, I could get out of the
Speaker 2: house faster. Like I know, it sounds crazy, but it
Speaker 2: is probably slightly linked to a tendencies where you like
Speaker 2: hyper fixate on things, because in my twenties it was
Speaker 2: really really bad. And I do think the only thing
Speaker 2: that I have come across and the only thing that
Speaker 2: has definitely resonated with me in the conversations I've had
Speaker 2: with people, is that you really have to force yourself
Speaker 2: not to do the things that you want to do,
Speaker 2: as in like when you know the door is locked,
Speaker 2: don't go and check the door again. When you know
Speaker 2: it's just something that's outside, you don't have to go
Speaker 2: and check all the things that are making you feel anxious.
Speaker 2: And every time that you're able to withstand I guess,
Speaker 2: like scratching that anxiety itch that you have that makes
Speaker 2: you feel nervous, it also helps to reassure you because
Speaker 2: then nothing bad happens, So then you have this small
Speaker 2: sense of reassurance that okay, well that wasn't anything that
Speaker 2: I needed to be worried about. And I have control
Speaker 2: over these feelings, and so that I think helps a lot.
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, it's not abnormal to be at home alone,
Speaker 3: especially as a woman, and feel a little bit anxious
Speaker 3: or nervous.
Speaker 1: And we also live in a.
Speaker 3: World where we're like bombarded with bad, terrible news all
Speaker 3: the time, and you're always hearing about something I'm breaking
Speaker 3: or a robbery or whatever it is.
Speaker 5: Mine has changed a lot.
Speaker 3: I've been on my own for so many years now,
Speaker 3: and I was always fine, and then somebody broke into
Speaker 3: my home when I was in the house, and that
Speaker 3: just changed everything. I after that started having a lot
Speaker 3: of anxiety about it. Didn't sleep well. I had a
Speaker 3: knife under my bed because I was often alone at
Speaker 3: that house as well. And so that was for a
Speaker 3: couple of years, and then I once I moved out
Speaker 3: of that house, I started to come good again.
Speaker 5: But things that have helped me. If you know that
Speaker 5: you are going to.
Speaker 3: Feel unsafe, you can very easily get so many different
Speaker 3: levels of security cameras, things that are gonna alert you
Speaker 3: with someone if there is emotion outside, you can look
Speaker 3: from the outside in like there are so many different levels.
Speaker 3: Some are super expensive, some are cheap. I have cameras
Speaker 3: at my home. If anyone's thinking about breaking in, don't.
Speaker 3: I have cameras that really helped me. I lock my doors.
Speaker 3: This is a trick that they say for people like you, Laura,
Speaker 3: that were just saying that you walk back and double check.
Speaker 3: If you voice out loud what you've done, you are
Speaker 3: more likely to remember that you've done it and feel
Speaker 3: okay with it. So if you are constantly checking that
Speaker 3: you've locked your door, when you lock it, you say
Speaker 3: like two to three times, I've locked the front door,
Speaker 3: I'm okay, I've locked the back door. You just say it,
Speaker 3: I've locked the front door, I've locked the front door.
Speaker 3: I've locked the front door. You walk back, and you
Speaker 3: are more likely to remember and feel safe that you've
Speaker 3: done it than if you don't voice it out loud.
Speaker 3: And it's just a trick that you can do that
Speaker 3: for anything. It helps you to remember any thing, like
Speaker 3: it's just using a different sense. The other thing that
Speaker 3: helped me. I don't know if you've got this. I
Speaker 3: don't know if you're able to get this. When I
Speaker 3: got Delilah, like having a pet, at home.
Speaker 1: Then you're not alone. That's the thing, right.
Speaker 4: It even just.
Speaker 5: Brings a comfort.
Speaker 3: And Delilah doesn't bark ever, but she will if there's
Speaker 3: something outside. So if she does, I'm like, cool, there's
Speaker 3: either a possum or someone's about to break in.
Speaker 2: I think that this is incredibly relatable. I even know likeness.
Speaker 2: This is something I refer to you now twice in
Speaker 2: this episode. Nas and I. If anyone doesn't know, we
Speaker 2: live together for a really long time. So Nessa's been
Speaker 2: my girlfriend. She's how I ended up getting busted in
Speaker 2: the first place. Long backstory, We've known each other for
Speaker 2: over a decade. I know that that's something you struggle
Speaker 2: with when you're at home by yourself.
Speaker 1: Do you have any techniques that have helped you.
Speaker 10: Well, it's different for me, So for you guys, it
Speaker 10: sounds like it's more of a rational fear of like
Speaker 10: things that could actually get to whereas mine is just
Speaker 10: pure anxiety.
Speaker 2: So no, mine is irrational as well, like checking the
Speaker 2: oven four times to make sure it's off, like it's.
Speaker 5: She hasn't gone four years?
Speaker 4: Why would that be?
Speaker 1: Like, do you know what I mean? Mine is totally irrational.
Speaker 10: Yeah, Well, mine's pure anxiety and I've been to therapy
Speaker 10: for it. It is for childhood trauma. We've dug deep
Speaker 10: over a lot of years, and a really good tip
Speaker 10: my therapist gave to me, and having kids has helped
Speaker 10: for me because, like you, I'm not alone at night
Speaker 10: per se anymore. But a way that she would tell
Speaker 10: me to comfort myself, She's like, picture yourself as a child,
Speaker 10: and how would you comfort that child if that child
Speaker 10: was scared? And so I know it sounds a bit
Speaker 10: we wound, a bit silly, and you know, talking to
Speaker 10: yourself like your child sounds silly, but comforting a child
Speaker 10: who is scared is such an instinctive thing to do.
Speaker 10: So then giving yourself that same empathy, and you know,
Speaker 10: trying to calm yourself down from I would have panic
Speaker 10: attacks and things, so I'd have to like bring my
Speaker 10: levels down, and you know, speaking to yourself like a child, Yeah,
Speaker 10: as silly as it sounds, can help.
Speaker 3: So you do you like we'll sit down and just
Speaker 3: talk out loud and say comforting things.
Speaker 10: Yeah, yeah, whatever I need, because I'll get really tight
Speaker 10: in the chest and start just over nothing, not even
Speaker 10: like I won't hear a noise or something. I just
Speaker 10: all of a sudden, I feel it dawns on me.
Speaker 10: And yeah, it gets better with a pet of children,
Speaker 10: but mostly therapy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I would agree. All right, next question, it's
Speaker 2: a cheating question. Firstly, I'm in complete shock that I'm
Speaker 2: in this situation.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that sucks.
Speaker 2: My husband and father of our three kids told me
Speaker 2: the day before Mother's Day what a fucking jerk via
Speaker 2: text while he was away from work that he got
Speaker 2: blackout drunk and had sex with someone while on a
Speaker 2: night out for a friend's birthday.
Speaker 3: Or to catch imagine just imagine cheating. But then being like,
Speaker 3: I'll just text her until I'll text her the day
Speaker 3: before Mother's Day when I'm not home one Mother's Day.
Speaker 2: Ah man. He says he doesn't remember and only confessed
Speaker 2: because I bluffed I had evidence other than a hectic
Speaker 2: thrush infection and a strong hunch I really didn't have
Speaker 2: any evidence to be honest, and says he is ashamed
Speaker 2: and sorry, etc.
Speaker 1: Etc. Of all other things.
Speaker 2: I'm not angry, and unfortunately understand where some of this
Speaker 2: kind of behavior, like drinking to such excess comes from.
Speaker 1: He has childhood trauma.
Speaker 2: But I am devastated we had a beautiful relationship, a
Speaker 2: wonderful life, and it feels like it's all covered in
Speaker 2: shit now. So first question, will this feeling of sadness
Speaker 2: and shit covered relationship fade? Second question, do I have
Speaker 2: to come up with a list of demands, boundaries, changes
Speaker 2: that he needs to meet because that feels like a
Speaker 2: lot of hard work. Is it his responsibility to come
Speaker 2: up with such parameters? And thirdly, do I have to
Speaker 2: tell people? I am worried my close friends and family
Speaker 2: will hate him beyond repair if I tell them, but
Speaker 2: also don't want to bear the load myself. Is the
Speaker 2: relief of support worth the inevitable hate towards him for
Speaker 2: the sake of our lives and our relationship?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 3: This is I mean, there are so many questions in this. Firstly,
Speaker 3: there is three yeah, yeah, but there's so many paths
Speaker 3: to it, Like there's childhood trauma, there's obviously some sort
Speaker 3: of an addiction to alcohol the way he told you.
Speaker 5: Then all of your questions. Firstly, you're going through this.
Speaker 3: I love that you're not angry, like maybe there's something
Speaker 3: in that that you're not pulling yourself apart about it,
Speaker 3: But you're obviously absolutely devastated, as you should be. He's
Speaker 3: your husband and you have children together, and he's done
Speaker 3: the wrong thing.
Speaker 5: He only confessed because you got it out of him.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because you entrapped him.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 5: And I wonder why you're not angry.
Speaker 3: I wonder if it's because in a way it doesn't
Speaker 3: come You've said you're shocked, but I feel like maybe
Speaker 3: this hasn't come as a surprise, like you're almost like okay, cool,
Speaker 3: like not shocked that shocks that has happened.
Speaker 2: I think also probably the level of remorse that he's
Speaker 2: showing is what makes you go, Okay, well that was
Speaker 2: really hurtful, but you know you're staying. She knows, she
Speaker 2: said this person is not leaving her husband right now,
Speaker 2: So that's not what I just want to make it
Speaker 2: clear that is not the advice that she is seeking,
Speaker 2: and so we're not gonna sit here.
Speaker 3: I never say that and tell you to leave your
Speaker 3: partner for this. Our advice is never that anyway, Well, sorry,
Speaker 3: I shouldn't say ours.
Speaker 5: I don't want to take you.
Speaker 3: My advice generally speaking, isn't always just throwing the towel,
Speaker 3: because I don't believe that it all is the answer.
Speaker 3: There is always so much to every single situation. You
Speaker 3: are definitely sympathetic to his childhood, and I think that's
Speaker 3: why this isn't as hurtful for you, maybe as it
Speaker 3: would be if he didn't have quite a troubled childhood.
Speaker 5: But that's not an excuse for behavior.
Speaker 3: That is, it's a reason, but it's not an excuse,
Speaker 3: and that is something that he definitely needs to be
Speaker 3: working on and maybe he didn't.
Speaker 5: Realize how bad it was until he has gone and
Speaker 5: done this.
Speaker 3: It's not your responsibility to come up with the parameters
Speaker 3: of saying you need to do this, this and this,
Speaker 3: this is the boundary. Whilst it's not your responsibility, you
Speaker 3: still do need to put boundaries in place and have
Speaker 3: that conversation now that it has all come out his
Speaker 3: behavior that he has a problem that he obviously drinks
Speaker 3: to black out. That is not normal. It's not okay.
Speaker 3: It's not normally not okay when you're not in a relationship.
Speaker 3: It's not normally okay in a relationship. He definitely needs
Speaker 3: to go and seek help to work out why he's
Speaker 3: doing it and try and fix the problem, because you
Speaker 3: can't just you're a band aid on something. Like you
Speaker 3: need to go back to the source. He's got issues
Speaker 3: that he needs to go and get help with, and
Speaker 3: that is coming into your life and your world and
Speaker 3: your relationship and your children and your house, which is
Speaker 3: not okay. But you do need to talk to him
Speaker 3: and like it's not going to help to say, hey, look.
Speaker 5: I'm not even angry, Like let's sort this out.
Speaker 3: You need to put those boundaries in place and say, like,
Speaker 3: if you are not going to try and seek help,
Speaker 3: we are going to have huge issues.
Speaker 5: And I don't know if I can be in this
Speaker 5: relationship because if there's no repercussions.
Speaker 1: For something, totally there's no consequences.
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's no consequences or repercussions. People don't really know
Speaker 3: what's at stake to lose. And I know that sounds dramatic,
Speaker 3: but it's really not like if you don't draw a
Speaker 3: line somewhere, he'll continue to cross sat invisible line.
Speaker 1: Totally.
Speaker 2: I think you are being more than accepting. I actually
Speaker 2: think you're almost being too accepting of the behavior. And
Speaker 2: it's obviously because you have a lot of empathy for
Speaker 2: the things that your husband has been through. Now, I
Speaker 2: do not think that binge drinking to blackout is an excuse,
Speaker 2: just as you said, Britt. And it is very evident
Speaker 2: that when your husband hurts you, it's because he is drinking.
Speaker 2: So if he is going to go and behave like this,
Speaker 2: there is no reason why this won't happen again. So
Speaker 2: you've identified the problem. It's the drinking. That may not
Speaker 2: be the root cause of why he's drinking, but he's
Speaker 2: still drinking. So it doesn't work for you to put
Speaker 2: boundaries in place with him. It doesn't work for you
Speaker 2: to say you're not allowed to drink anymore. I need
Speaker 2: you to do XYZ like those things don't actually work.
Speaker 2: Those boundaries have to come from him. They have to
Speaker 2: be supported by you, they have to be a conversation
Speaker 2: from you. But he's got to be the one that says,
Speaker 2: I'm massively fucked up. I understand why you were as
Speaker 2: hurt as what you are, and I need to change
Speaker 2: something because if he doesn't change anything, he's going to
Speaker 2: do the same thing. And I would say that for somebody,
Speaker 2: it's not normal to get blackout drunk at all. Like no,
Speaker 2: people who think binge drinking to the point where they
Speaker 2: get black out drunk is just something they do with
Speaker 2: the boys once a month or whenever.
Speaker 1: It's it's not normal and it shouldn't happen.
Speaker 2: And if he went and spoke to someone or spoke
Speaker 2: to a therapist, they would tell him that he's an alcoholic.
Speaker 2: If he's getting that drunk, that is all the hallmark
Speaker 2: signs of someone who is actually an alcoholic getting drunk
Speaker 2: to that excess.
Speaker 1: So yeah, look, I would say it is going to
Speaker 1: be hard work.
Speaker 2: He has completely completely broken the trust and the foundations
Speaker 2: for the relationship that you have.
Speaker 1: You clearly want to work on.
Speaker 2: This, but you can't just go back to the way
Speaker 2: it was, you know, three months ago, and pretend that
Speaker 2: nothing happened and just smooth over it.
Speaker 3: And you've also said, you know, is this going to
Speaker 3: fade this feeling of sadness and shit covered relationship?
Speaker 1: No not.
Speaker 3: If no one's doing anything, you can go back and
Speaker 3: pretend now, but it will come back and rear its
Speaker 3: ugly head. And the last question that you asked is,
Speaker 3: you know, do you have to tell people? Can you
Speaker 3: tell people? Should you tell people? That's completely up to you.
Speaker 3: You do need to bear the law. I do think that,
Speaker 3: like I don't feel like you should take it all
Speaker 3: on yourself, and sometimes you need to the same way
Speaker 3: you've written to us. You want advice and you want
Speaker 3: to talk about it with someone. I do think you
Speaker 3: need to, but you need to choose who that is.
Speaker 3: If that's either like a therapist or a counselor someone
Speaker 3: maybe you're not that close to, or a family member,
Speaker 3: or maybe it's someone you are close to. But you
Speaker 3: do need to be aware that it is highly likely
Speaker 3: they will hate him or they will dislike him, and
Speaker 3: you can't unhear something or unlearn something. So once these
Speaker 3: people know that he has cheated on you and put
Speaker 3: you through this and done these horrible things, even if
Speaker 3: you do work through it and they still are really
Speaker 3: lovely with him, they will always know what he did
Speaker 3: and it will always it's always going to be tainted.
Speaker 3: It will change your relationship that you have with your friends.
Speaker 3: It will change the relationship that you have with your partner,
Speaker 3: not necessarily in a bad way, but it will not
Speaker 3: be the same as it was. And that is something
Speaker 3: you need to consider when you talk about this and
Speaker 3: who you choose to talk about it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I I think you know, Look, there's so
Speaker 2: much in this The one thing you said is is
Speaker 2: the relief of support worth the inevitable hate towards him?
Speaker 1: How much do you need support right now?
Speaker 2: Because it sounds like you are totally prioritizing everything about
Speaker 2: his feelings, his emotions, like he is being put at
Speaker 2: the center of your world right now in the way
Speaker 2: that you frame this question, and you want to repair
Speaker 2: the relationship, and you also want to support him, But
Speaker 2: who's supporting you? And also you're not the one who
Speaker 2: fucked this up, like you need support too, So maybe
Speaker 2: it's one friend, Maybe it is go if you don't
Speaker 2: want something totally impartial, maybe it's a therapist. But by
Speaker 2: all accounts, it doesn't actually sound like you're the one
Speaker 2: who needs therapy in this relationship. You might need therapy
Speaker 2: so that you can draw better boundaries, but it sounds
Speaker 2: like he does. It really sounds like he actually needs
Speaker 2: a bit of help. And I understand everyone can fuck up,
Speaker 2: like it's a possibility. I'm not going to say like,
Speaker 2: I don't think that everyone cheats. I don't think that
Speaker 2: cheating is a totally abnormal and really horrible thing to
Speaker 2: do in your relationship, but it does happen, and people
Speaker 2: can be incredibly remorseful for it. However, if he's still
Speaker 2: going out and getting black out drunk, the reason why
Speaker 2: this is never going to go away isn't necessarily because
Speaker 2: he is going to cheat on you again. It's because
Speaker 2: every single time he goes out and gets drunk with
Speaker 2: the boys, you're going to think that he is, so
Speaker 2: your insecurity is going to build. You're not going to
Speaker 2: be able to get over this and you're not going
Speaker 2: to be able to trust him again. So changes have
Speaker 2: to be made. It is going to be hard, and
Speaker 2: you have to work through it together if you want
Speaker 2: it to work. But it's not up to you to
Speaker 2: enforce those boundaries. It's not up to you to enforce
Speaker 2: the change on him. It's up to him to actually
Speaker 2: prove to you that he is remorseful in ways that
Speaker 2: go beyond just words and actually do something to show
Speaker 2: you that he's not going to have this behavior again
Speaker 2: in your relationship and is worthy of the forgiveness.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's so evident your response to this and
Speaker 3: the way you're handling it and how considered you are.
Speaker 5: It's evident how much you love.
Speaker 3: Your partners totally, which is amazing, and like you do
Speaker 3: want to help and support him because you know it
Speaker 3: sounds like it is something that is out of the blue,
Speaker 3: and you know you mentioned he has his history. But
Speaker 3: the success of this relationship comes down to his response
Speaker 3: and what he does. If somebody's not willing to put
Speaker 3: in the work to change after something's like this, so
Speaker 3: devastating like this, then I don't see how the relationship
Speaker 3: will end up being happy and successful.
Speaker 1: And I'm so sorry of going through this.
Speaker 2: And for anybody who's ever been cheated on or has
Speaker 2: had like a huge betrayal in a relationship, just know
Speaker 2: that like words and apologies actually mean fuck all.
Speaker 1: Like it's action that means something.
Speaker 2: So if people are seemingly so remorseful that they're crying,
Speaker 2: sometimes that's a really good way of getting you to
Speaker 2: feel empathy for them. But at the end of the day,
Speaker 2: they're the one who created this situation. Of course you
Speaker 2: have empathy for them. Of Course you can feel sad
Speaker 2: about where things are at because of their actions, but like,
Speaker 2: don't give up the way you feel sad for yourself
Speaker 2: and for what's happened to you and to the relationship
Speaker 2: you had because of what they've done.
Speaker 5: All right, let's get out of it.
Speaker 1: We've got lies to live now, we we'll live in them.
Speaker 5: Oh no, I actually got to go to another recording
Speaker 5: we have.
Speaker 4: We got an interview.
Speaker 2: If you want to go and watch any of this
Speaker 2: on YouTube. All of the episodes are on YouTube. Go
Speaker 2: and watch us in the flash. You can see me
Speaker 2: in my shoes and no socks and you know the dress.
Speaker 5: So mum tea, dad tea, dog tea friends and shares
Speaker 5: a
Speaker 1: Lung because we are love