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Speaker 1: Sometimes when you're co parenting, the kids come back to

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Speaker 1: your place and they're disregulated, they're out of sorts, they're

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Speaker 1: not the way you want them to be, and they're

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Speaker 1: certainly not the way that they will when you drop

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Speaker 1: them off at your ex's place. Today. What to do

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Speaker 1: when your child is deregulated when they come home from

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Speaker 1: being with their other parent Today, Welcome to the Happy

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Speaker 1: Families Podcast. It's real parenting solutions every day on Australia's

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Speaker 1: most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Courson,

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Speaker 1: and every Tuesday on the pod we answer the tricky

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Speaker 1: questions that you've got about raising your kids, family stuff,

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Speaker 1: relationship stuff, wellbeing, screens, discipline, co parenting. If you would

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Speaker 1: like to submit a tricky question, we have a really

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Speaker 1: super simple system at Happy families dot com dot Au.

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Speaker 1: You just scroll down the podcasts, click the record button

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Speaker 1: and start talking like an anonymous person who chose not

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Speaker 1: to record, but send us an email instead via podcast

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Speaker 1: a Happy families dot com dot Au from anonymous, how

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Speaker 1: can I help my four year old grandson? He lives

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Speaker 1: with us and has fortnightly weekend visitation with his father.

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Speaker 1: When he comes home, he is so disregulated tantrum's and

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Speaker 1: next level for hours after getting home. I'm looking for

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Speaker 1: tips to help ease these feelings. Noe. This behavior is

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Speaker 1: only concerned after the visitation because of the severity of

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Speaker 1: the behavior. Please help. So today, let's uncover three things.

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Speaker 1: First off, what's going on behind the behavior? Number two,

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Speaker 1: how can we create a support of transition environment? And

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Speaker 1: number three, how do we build emotional bridges between homes? Kylie,

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Speaker 1: you and I have had a philosophy around tantrums for

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Speaker 1: as long as we've had children, and it's a pretty

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Speaker 1: simple one.

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Speaker 2: Tantrums aren't bad behavior. They're actually an opportunity for our

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Speaker 2: kids to communicate to us. They just don't have the

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Speaker 2: skills to sit down and go, ho, mum, I'm.

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Speaker 1: Having a really hard time now, Yeah, that's right, Like I.

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Speaker 2: This a meltdown because they are struggling so much with

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Speaker 2: their world.

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Speaker 1: Four year olds when their emotions are high don't tend

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Speaker 1: to say can we have a minute and just talk

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Speaker 1: because there's a handful of things going through my mind

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Speaker 1: that I really need to walk through with you and problem.

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Speaker 1: So they just don't. They don't go to high emotions

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Speaker 1: low intelligence. I think It was one of our listeners, Jess,

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Speaker 1: who email us and said, you can't think straight in

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Speaker 1: the high emotion state. It's true for us, it's definitely

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Speaker 1: true for our children, and so we call this distress

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Speaker 1: during the transition literally transition distress that is moving between environments.

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Speaker 1: It's a normal response because I am moving into an

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Speaker 1: environment that's different to one that I'm in, and I

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Speaker 1: don't have the emotion and behavior regulation, nor do I

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Speaker 1: have the words to explain what's going on, and so

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Speaker 1: I behave in a disregulated way, transition distress.

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Speaker 2: I was actually having this exact conversation with a beautiful

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Speaker 2: friend of mine recently, and she's in exactly the same situation,

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Speaker 2: and her five year old came home and she's said,

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Speaker 2: it's literally like the light in his eyes have gone out.

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Speaker 2: He's not the child that I sent off to his dad.

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Speaker 2: He comes home and he's just a completely different kid.

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Speaker 2: And so I think one of the most important things

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Speaker 2: that we can do in that space is to literally

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Speaker 2: take away all expectations in this moment.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I want to talk about that as part

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Speaker 1: of our transition toolkit. Let me wrap up this five

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Speaker 1: year old or this four year old depending on whether

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Speaker 1: it's your story or the one from this grandma. This

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Speaker 1: situation essentially, when a child comes home and then they

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Speaker 1: have that meltdown and they're going through this transition. There's

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Speaker 1: this stress around the transition, but then they release all

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Speaker 1: their emotions because now they're in a space that feels

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Speaker 1: safe to them and they know that they're allowed to

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Speaker 1: let it out. Sometimes you hear about autistic kids who

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Speaker 1: come home and then they take the mask off and

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Speaker 1: they just lose it because they've been trying so hard

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Speaker 1: to keep it together while they've been at school or

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Speaker 1: something like that. And so this is the this is

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Speaker 1: the challenge that we face. Right, We've got this tantrum

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Speaker 1: that's actually a stress response, and paradoxically, it's a sign

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Speaker 1: of trust and it's a predictable pattern, like we kind

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Speaker 1: of know what's going to happen. Pressure builds during the transition,

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Speaker 1: then it releases when your child feels safe. And in

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Speaker 1: this situation there's often a lot of accusation. I just

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Speaker 1: want to highlight this, we don't know and I want

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Speaker 1: to be really sensitive here. We don't know what's going on,

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Speaker 1: don't know what's happening at dad's. Dad might actually be

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Speaker 1: doing a great job, but the child's simply distressed because

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Speaker 1: of the transition. Dad could be doing a terrible job,

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Speaker 1: which is promoting the transition distress. What we know with

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Speaker 1: little kids is that there is a transition storm and

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Speaker 1: it's going to be a potential challenge regardless of what's

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Speaker 1: going on in one context or the other.

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Speaker 2: The reality is for children, especially young children, they need consistency,

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Speaker 2: totally consistency and routine consistency and environment consistency in caregiver

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Speaker 2: like that makes such a difference to their sense of

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Speaker 2: well being in security. So, like you've acknowledged, it doesn't

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Speaker 2: actually matter whether what's happening at Dad's house is great

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Speaker 2: or bad, the outcome will often be the same because

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Speaker 2: there's a change. And that's literally what we're experiencing. There

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Speaker 2: is a change in the environment, there's a change in

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Speaker 2: the caregiver, and now you're four year old in his

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Speaker 2: limited life experience has to recalibrate and that's what we're

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Speaker 2: dealing with right now. So recalibration.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So after break the transition Toolkit, we have four

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Speaker 1: ideas for you there as well as how you can

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Speaker 1: build some effective communication bridges. I guess between your child

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Speaker 1: and the transition challenges that you're facing. Okay, Kylie. A

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Speaker 1: transition toolkit for a child who's struggling with moving from

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Speaker 1: one environment to another in a copering situation. Four things

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Speaker 1: from me. You might want to add a couple of

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Speaker 1: things around around the edge of this, but they're fairly

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Speaker 1: simple and quite self explanatory. Number One, you want to

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Speaker 1: create a soft landing after pick up. That's what you

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Speaker 1: were hinting at before. Keep things really really smooth, expect

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Speaker 1: the storm plan accordingly. Keep those first few hours really quiet,

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Speaker 1: low stimulation, avoid errands and extracurricular activities, social gatherings immediately

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Speaker 1: after the pickup. Just keep it low key. Second thing,

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Speaker 1: have some consistent connection rituals. So every time he comes

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Speaker 1: home to you, have that special book, maybe it's a

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Speaker 1: photo album, that snack, have that quiet activity, the thing

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Speaker 1: that you're reading together, something predictable that signals we're back together.

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Speaker 1: The third thing, focus on regulation before you step into

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Speaker 1: any big conversations or anything. So hugs gentle, physical comfort

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Speaker 1: so long as he's okay with that, calm, easy speaking

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Speaker 1: to help reset his nervous system, maybe even doing some

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Speaker 1: box breathing or some general meditation or body scans that

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Speaker 1: kind of thing, just to focus on being calm before

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Speaker 1: you're getting into things.

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Speaker 2: I want to count you on this because I love

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Speaker 2: the calm thing and I think that it's really important.

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Speaker 2: But for some kids, I actually think they need to

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Speaker 2: let out the pent up energy that they're experiencing. And

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Speaker 2: the other day I saw this reel and it just

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Speaker 2: resonated with me beautifully because I think it's something that

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Speaker 2: Emily would have responded to so well. A few years ago,

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Speaker 2: when her son comes home from school, they play this

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Speaker 2: game and she's got socks on there on the floorboards,

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Speaker 2: and he gets to push against her hands as hard

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Speaker 2: as he can, and he's got to try and move

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Speaker 2: her across the floor to a certain point, and he's

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Speaker 2: using all of his body strength. Mum wearing socks obviously

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Speaker 2: is going to let him win, but in the process

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Speaker 2: of doing that, he actually gets out a whole heap

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Speaker 2: of pent up energy through that process, and then they

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Speaker 2: roll over and have a big laugh together.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So I've got thoughts on this. Two different thoughts.

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Speaker 1: First of all, if it works for you, that's great, wonderful, fantastic.

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Speaker 1: Second thought, there is quite a bit of research that

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Speaker 1: shows that this idea of using aggression to get it

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Speaker 1: out can also backfire. That it can become a thing

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Speaker 1: where it can become aggressive and it can become unhelpful

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Speaker 1: as well. So I'm going to say maybe maybe not

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Speaker 1: certainly looks like fun on Instagram in real life, it

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Speaker 1: might work, but it could also it could also backfire

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Speaker 1: either way. What we're really emphasizing here is soft landings,

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Speaker 1: consistency and predictability, and generally some form of regulation. Now

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Speaker 1: that regulation might come through physical activity, it may come

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Speaker 1: through deep breathing and gentleness. Either way, we're doing something

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Speaker 1: before we step into conversations. And if the emotions are

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Speaker 1: really big, my fourth idea is just validate those emotions,

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Speaker 1: but don't endorse the behaviors. So I get that you're

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Speaker 1: having really big feelings right now, or it's okay to

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Speaker 1: feel upset. Sometimes when we move from one place to another,

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Speaker 1: we feel upset. You're setting in really clear boundaries, but

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Speaker 1: you're accepting the feelings. That validation is really important. They're

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Speaker 1: the main things that I would suggest are going to

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Speaker 1: be useful. I think we've also got to be better

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Speaker 1: at our communication, though, Like if we can create effective

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Speaker 1: communication with our four year old or a five year old,

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Speaker 1: we're going to find that they're better able to regulate

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Speaker 1: themselves because it all makes sense. So you can just

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Speaker 1: put a calendar on the wall and highlight when the

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Speaker 1: visits are happening, so there's a countdown system. For younger kids.

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Speaker 1: You can have transitional objects, so there's that one toy

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Speaker 1: that goes from this house to that house and it's

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Speaker 1: the one thing that they always have that keeps them

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Speaker 1: feeling good. Or a photo album with both households involved

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Speaker 1: in the photo album to make it all feel a

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Speaker 1: bit more seamless.

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Speaker 2: Maybe whenever there's a pickup or a transition, there's a

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Speaker 2: favorite snack.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, or a quick outing, let's go and get that

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Speaker 1: hot chocolate, the baby china, whatever it is that you

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Speaker 1: love to do. Those kinds of things just promote that routine,

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Speaker 1: that sense of safety, that predictability. There's a special something

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Speaker 1: about it, so it feels like it's a bit of

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Speaker 1: a treat. Those are the kinds of things that are

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Speaker 1: going to be really, really, really helpful.

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Speaker 2: But I think the main thing about this is recognizing

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Speaker 2: that your child is having big emotions, and that's actually okay.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, especially for such a complex situation, you'd expect

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Speaker 1: complex emotional experiences.

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Speaker 2: And so allowing your children to work through those emotions

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Speaker 2: in a safe space is actually a beautiful gift that

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Speaker 2: you can give them.

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Speaker 1: Okay, I want to talk just briefly about the communication

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Speaker 1: between households. This is always going to be awkward. It

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Speaker 1: can be really tricky, especially if there's any disharmony in

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Speaker 1: the relationship, and often there is there's some acrimony. So

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Speaker 1: what I would encourage would be a couple of things.

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Speaker 1: Number One, I'd just be saying, hey, how are you

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Speaker 1: finding it like you're finding this regulation when we drop

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Speaker 1: off to you, because we're getting a bit when it's

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Speaker 1: coming back our way. We just want to know how

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Speaker 1: that's going and what we can do to make things better.

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Speaker 1: In both directions, I would be encouraging consistent bedtimes, consistent

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Speaker 1: meal times, consistent dietary expectations. Like if we've got a

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Speaker 1: Disneyland dad who's going to get up on sugar and

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Speaker 1: ice cream and soft drinks and fast food and all

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Speaker 1: that kind of thing, and then we're trying to eat healthy,

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Speaker 1: then there's going to be some challenges around that. And

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Speaker 1: I think that both households. Just you said it at

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Speaker 1: the start, and you said it so well. The tantrum

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Speaker 1: is a signal that we've got a child who is

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Speaker 1: processing a whole lot of complexity, but there is communication here.

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Speaker 1: The tantrum is an indicator that we've got a child

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Speaker 1: experiencing challenge.

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Speaker 2: So I guess if we were to wrap this all up,

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Speaker 2: the most important gift we can give our kids is

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Speaker 2: a consistent, compassionate response. Yeah. I would have been creating

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Speaker 2: some perfect strategy.

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Speaker 1: Perfect I was going to say that. Yeah, like we

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Speaker 1: can get all caught up in the I've got to

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Speaker 1: do this and this and this and this and this.

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Speaker 1: But so long as your child feels loved and gets

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Speaker 1: that compassion, I think that's going to be the most

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Speaker 1: important thing. The other stuff matters, but not as important

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Speaker 1: as your response to the child.

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Speaker 2: The second thing is helping them through these transitions. You're

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Speaker 2: actually teaching them some really important skills in their emotional regulation.

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Speaker 1: Right. So the more emotionally intelligent you are, the more

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Speaker 1: that child will learn how to regulate. If you can

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Speaker 1: be regulated yourself.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, So one of the things we do in our

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Speaker 2: home often is are you essential oils and without having

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Speaker 2: to teach them anything, just purely putting the oils on

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Speaker 2: their body, they instantly take a deep breath and they

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Speaker 2: regulate themselves in that process.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so ultimately the storm's going to pass and you

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Speaker 1: are the steady presence that's going to help them to

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Speaker 1: weather the storm. Transition difficulties exist. There's transition to stress

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Speaker 1: in all sorts of contexts, and the great challenge that

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Speaker 1: we've got is working out how we can guide our

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Speaker 1: children support our children through them. Thank you and honam

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Speaker 1: us for your very tricky question. If you would like

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Speaker 1: to submit your question, you can email us podcasts at

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Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot you. But better yet, leave

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Speaker 1: us a voice note or a voice recording at happy

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Speaker 1: families dot com dot U. Super simple system. Just scroll

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Speaker 1: down to podcasts, click the record button, start talking. We

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Speaker 1: love hearing from you. We want you on the podcast.

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Speaker 1: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from

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Speaker 1: Bridge Media. If you would like more information and more

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Speaker 1: resources to make your family happier, check out happy families

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Speaker 1: dot com dot au hm