1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,200 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time 2 00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:09,160 Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers. Now, I'm doctor Justin Coulson, 3 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,559 Speaker 1: dad to six kids, author of six books, and I'm 4 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:16,040 Speaker 1: joined by Luke and Susie, husband and wife radio team. 5 00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:18,160 Speaker 1: They have three young boys, and today we're talking about 6 00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:21,840 Speaker 1: the challenge of making step parenting work. Although I think 7 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:25,119 Speaker 1: that the lessons from this conversation will be applicable to 8 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: pretty much any parent in any situation where relationships are 9 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:32,160 Speaker 1: a little strained at home. Michael sent in a question Susie. 10 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,839 Speaker 2: Michael said, my new wife is an amazing mother to 11 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,880 Speaker 2: her kids, his step kids. She seems to be effortless 12 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:39,279 Speaker 2: in how she cares for them and has a lot 13 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,400 Speaker 2: of fun with them. But it's a struggle for me. 14 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:44,320 Speaker 2: I want to be involved. Where do I start? Is 15 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:45,400 Speaker 2: what Michael asks. 16 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:49,120 Speaker 1: Being a stepdad's a really tricky job because children love 17 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:53,479 Speaker 1: their parents and they feel as though, in many cases, 18 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,160 Speaker 1: once that biological parent that they used to live with 19 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:57,960 Speaker 1: is now no longer there and they've only got one 20 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 1: of them, and then there's somebody knew that's come on board. 21 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,280 Speaker 1: Sometimes it can feel like there's a bit of a 22 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:08,240 Speaker 1: contest for mum's attention. In addition, sometimes the new step 23 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:10,840 Speaker 1: parent can feel like, well, because I'm married to your 24 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:13,280 Speaker 1: mum or to your dad, I've got to have some 25 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:16,800 Speaker 1: level of stewardship, some sort of responsibility for you and 26 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:18,880 Speaker 1: your behavior, And so we end up with all sorts 27 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:22,720 Speaker 1: of boundary issues around the relationships and around discipline and 28 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 1: even I'm thinking about Michael. You know, he's fallen in 29 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:28,880 Speaker 1: love and has a beautiful relationship with these children's mum. 30 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:32,240 Speaker 1: But just because he's got a great relationship with mum 31 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,600 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that he's going to automatically have a great 32 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:37,720 Speaker 1: relationship with the children. They haven't spent the same kind 33 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,600 Speaker 1: of time with him in the same way that mum has. 34 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,080 Speaker 1: And so there are all of these things going on 35 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:48,080 Speaker 1: that make the development of a new family extremely challenging, 36 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,040 Speaker 1: and the development of those new relationships between Michael and 37 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:54,680 Speaker 1: his step kids very very difficult to really get going. 38 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,000 Speaker 2: It's a difficult question for you to answer as well, 39 00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,120 Speaker 2: because we don't know details. We don't know if she 40 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,080 Speaker 2: was widowed or if if she was divorced, We don't 41 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,240 Speaker 2: know the ages of the children that are involved, how 42 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,320 Speaker 2: many children involve the genders of the children involved, So 43 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,840 Speaker 2: we're going to be speaking in generalizations. I realized, look, 44 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:09,200 Speaker 2: you were. 45 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,840 Speaker 3: Going to say, I was going to say, because there's 46 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,920 Speaker 3: two defaults that I feel like we can probably go 47 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,120 Speaker 3: into in a step parent situation, and one is to 48 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,720 Speaker 3: overly try and be their friend and try and win 49 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:20,600 Speaker 3: them over by being cool, or to overly try and 50 00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:23,440 Speaker 3: be their parent and try and be too disciplinary. And 51 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,160 Speaker 3: we've seen from all the movies how horribly both of 52 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:27,160 Speaker 3: those options go wrong. 53 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:30,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, justin Yeah, Yeah, I don't know that Hollywood's going 54 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,080 Speaker 1: to be the very best indicator of how this could 55 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,959 Speaker 1: play out, but I guess there might be some imitating 56 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,919 Speaker 1: life or vice versa. You know, if I was in 57 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,280 Speaker 1: that situation, or if I was counseling somebody who had 58 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:45,919 Speaker 1: just entered that situation, my suggestion will be number one, 59 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:49,720 Speaker 1: take it easy, go slow, don't try to be their friend, 60 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,200 Speaker 1: don't even try to be their parent, because you're neither. 61 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,079 Speaker 1: And so when you try to be one of those 62 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:57,160 Speaker 1: two things, it's inauthentic and it's not fair on you 63 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:58,960 Speaker 1: or the children. It's not fair on the family, it's 64 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,880 Speaker 1: not even fair on your wife. So what I'd suggest 65 00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:06,119 Speaker 1: instead is learn about the kids in non stalk, greation, 66 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,040 Speaker 1: non weird ways. Because it's twenty twenty, I kind of 67 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:09,919 Speaker 1: feel like I need to put a little cavity in there. 68 00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:13,760 Speaker 1: We need to develop appropriate relationships with them, but ask 69 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,120 Speaker 1: if you can go on a walk or a ride 70 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,440 Speaker 1: with them, have someone on one time, get to know them. 71 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,839 Speaker 1: Don't worry about talking too much about you, Just ask 72 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,240 Speaker 1: them about their lives. If they're not really keen to 73 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:27,480 Speaker 1: talk about themselves, maybe share a few things about yourself. 74 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:30,760 Speaker 1: Because as you invest in the relationship, I mean you've 75 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:32,800 Speaker 1: heard me say this over and over and over again. 76 00:03:32,919 --> 00:03:36,320 Speaker 1: Just like dollars of the currency of our economy, connection 77 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,760 Speaker 1: is the currency of our relationships. So we've got to 78 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:42,160 Speaker 1: spend time developing those connections. And the only way we 79 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,960 Speaker 1: can do that is to actually spend time. The other 80 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:47,760 Speaker 1: thing that I'd suggest in that same vein is I'd 81 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,720 Speaker 1: spend time engaged in what I'm going to call in 82 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:56,720 Speaker 1: inverted commas wholesome recreational activities. Now that's an intentionally stated 83 00:03:56,760 --> 00:04:00,760 Speaker 1: phrase that means go and play games and to music, 84 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,880 Speaker 1: engage in activities that are good fun that are either 85 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:08,800 Speaker 1: active physically or active cognitively. And that get everybody together, 86 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,600 Speaker 1: ideally in a non competitive way, or if there is competition, 87 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:15,440 Speaker 1: make sure it's very friendly competition with a focus on 88 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,560 Speaker 1: the relationship and getting better at a skill. So maybe 89 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:19,960 Speaker 1: go down to the park and learn how to throw 90 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,360 Speaker 1: a frisbee or kick a ball, or maybe sit down 91 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,280 Speaker 1: and play some boggle or boulder dash or monopoly. But 92 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:28,279 Speaker 1: those are the kinds of activities where you just slowly 93 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:32,000 Speaker 1: develop a relationship because those kids, they don't have the 94 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:35,359 Speaker 1: depth of relationship. They haven't learned to trust you yet. 95 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:38,480 Speaker 3: And I get a sense that maybe whatever approach you take, 96 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:41,119 Speaker 3: there is a risk that you can try too hard, 97 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,880 Speaker 3: and when you try too hard, maybe that's a barrier 98 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,720 Speaker 3: that from the kid's perspective, like, oh my gosh, here 99 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:48,400 Speaker 3: he goes again. 100 00:04:48,839 --> 00:04:51,159 Speaker 1: Yeah, I reckon. I'd address this in a conversation, and 101 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:53,479 Speaker 1: this is the second thing outside of spending time in 102 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:56,160 Speaker 1: the relationship. The second thing that I would do, depending 103 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:58,640 Speaker 1: on the age of the children, is I'd address it 104 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:01,680 Speaker 1: directly by saying I can see that every now and 105 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,479 Speaker 1: again it looks like I'm trying too hard, or you 106 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 1: don't really want to engage with me because I'm not 107 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,600 Speaker 1: your dad. Or you feel a bit uncomfortable because this 108 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,880 Speaker 1: is one of those conversations that's probably just between you 109 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,800 Speaker 1: and your mum, Or do you know what I mean? 110 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:15,000 Speaker 1: Like you're actually saying, I get how it feels for 111 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:18,640 Speaker 1: you to be engaged in this situation with me when 112 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,040 Speaker 1: it's not what you would have picked. In fact, I 113 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,040 Speaker 1: know a couple of step parents who have used a 114 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,960 Speaker 1: line along these lines. They've said, I know that you 115 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,200 Speaker 1: didn't ask for me to be in your life. I 116 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:29,960 Speaker 1: know that what you want more than anything is for 117 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,440 Speaker 1: your mum and dad to be together and for everything 118 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:34,200 Speaker 1: to be the way that it was supposed to be, 119 00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:35,919 Speaker 1: and it didn't work out that way, and you feel 120 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,560 Speaker 1: like it's totally unfair. And I know that you see 121 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,440 Speaker 1: me as somebody who's actually stopping your parents from ever 122 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,640 Speaker 1: being together again. And I can't do anything about that. 123 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,760 Speaker 1: I feel awful for you, and I wish it was different. 124 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:48,000 Speaker 1: But here's what I can do. I can promise to 125 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:50,719 Speaker 1: earn your trust, and I can promise to not try 126 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,719 Speaker 1: too hard, and I can promise to leave you alone 127 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:54,400 Speaker 1: when you need me to. And you know they've gone 128 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:58,240 Speaker 1: in from that perspective, which shows a wonderful empathy and 129 00:05:58,279 --> 00:06:01,200 Speaker 1: a wonderful desire to say, I'm going to support your 130 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,520 Speaker 1: autonomy as you decide how much you can trust me. 131 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,159 Speaker 1: Oh you know what, it's also worth mentioning Luke and 132 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:08,520 Speaker 1: Susie what trust is. And I love this definition of trust. 133 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,960 Speaker 1: It comes from doctor John Gottman, and he says, trust 134 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,800 Speaker 1: is the belief that the other person's always going to 135 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,080 Speaker 1: act in your best interest. And I think at the 136 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:18,920 Speaker 1: very heart of Michael's dilemma may be a question of trust. 137 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:23,360 Speaker 1: At this point, do the step children truly believe that 138 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:26,400 Speaker 1: he is going to act in their best interests? They 139 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,360 Speaker 1: probably believe that he's going to act in his best interest, 140 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,479 Speaker 1: maybe even in Mum's best interest, but do they believe 141 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:34,080 Speaker 1: that he'll act in their best interest? And his great 142 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,320 Speaker 1: challenge is to prove that he is. 143 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,159 Speaker 3: This is a subject that's very raw and personal for 144 00:06:40,279 --> 00:06:43,719 Speaker 3: me because we have a puppy, and that puppy loves 145 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:48,960 Speaker 3: Susie more than it loves me. Justin this is I 146 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,880 Speaker 3: know this is going to sound ridiculous, but bear with me. 147 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:53,240 Speaker 1: Right Michael right now is shaking his head saying, I 148 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,440 Speaker 1: can't believe you're comparing my circumstances to your puppy. 149 00:06:55,480 --> 00:07:01,520 Speaker 3: But wait, wait, bear with me here. Susie was the 150 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,080 Speaker 3: be all and end all to this dog, and I 151 00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:05,200 Speaker 3: found like while I spent time with him, it was 152 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,039 Speaker 3: just cuddle time, but it wasn't. I didn't get to 153 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,520 Speaker 3: play with him because I was working and I didn't 154 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:10,040 Speaker 3: get I didn't wasn't the one who brought hi food, 155 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,200 Speaker 3: and I wasn't the one who was there during these moments. 156 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,040 Speaker 3: And so whenever I called the dog, it would never 157 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,280 Speaker 3: come to me, never got excited, because I only took 158 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:17,800 Speaker 3: him out when it was cold to go to the 159 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,040 Speaker 3: toilet late at night. There was nothing good that came 160 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,320 Speaker 3: from spending time with me when I called him, and 161 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:24,960 Speaker 3: when we talked to Pet about training, and he just 162 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:28,520 Speaker 3: encouraged to say, they'll respond to you when the history 163 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,040 Speaker 3: is good things happen when I go to that space. 164 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 3: Good things happen when I respond, And it's been incredible 165 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:36,360 Speaker 3: how quickly. And I know this is dogs, not kids, 166 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,360 Speaker 3: So I'm just trying to correlate with what you're saying 167 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:42,720 Speaker 3: that trust, that best interest is this consistent pattern of 168 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:46,720 Speaker 3: experience to say, good things happen when I'm with him, 169 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:50,400 Speaker 3: Good things happen and I'm protected when my stepdad is around. 170 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:51,880 Speaker 1: I think he might have pulled the wreck out of 171 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:52,280 Speaker 1: the swamp. 172 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:53,640 Speaker 2: Luke. He got there in the end. 173 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:57,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, the while a bit of a whine up, but 174 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 1: we got there. Yeah. You know, that's really at the 175 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:02,480 Speaker 1: heart of all this conversation is step parenting is about 176 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 1: building trust, that is, building a sense that intentions are 177 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:10,240 Speaker 1: always good and the person that the step parent is 178 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:14,280 Speaker 1: definitely engaged in trying to help, not hinder. 179 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,520 Speaker 2: Beautiful. Well, we appreciate you having a crack at a 180 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 2: question where when we don't get a lot of details. 181 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,600 Speaker 2: I know it's fairly generic answers, but that was beautifully, 182 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,280 Speaker 2: beautifully done, Doctor Justin Colson. 183 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:26,880 Speaker 3: Look, I could go further with my puppy analogy. I 184 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:30,400 Speaker 3: can correlated, but thanks Justin. 185 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:34,320 Speaker 1: If you have enjoyed this podcast, well, thank you so 186 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 1: very much for listening. Would you do something that will 187 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:38,600 Speaker 1: just it'll give me a thrill, but it'll also make 188 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,200 Speaker 1: a difference in other people's lives. I got so excited 189 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,000 Speaker 1: when I opened up my podcast app today and I 190 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:46,720 Speaker 1: found a brand new live star review and rating from 191 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:50,440 Speaker 1: Mim who said doctor Justin Coulson is my favorite parenting 192 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,800 Speaker 1: family expert. I cannot recommend him highly enough to anyone 193 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:57,600 Speaker 1: who needs encouragement and support in their parenting journey. His 194 00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,959 Speaker 1: voice is often in my head during stressful times, helping 195 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,280 Speaker 1: they remain calm and loving to my children, even when 196 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:06,400 Speaker 1: I feel like screaming angrily. Thank you justin well, thank you, Mim, 197 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,599 Speaker 1: so very kind of you to send that through that 198 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,960 Speaker 1: only landed twenty nine hours prior to me recording this. 199 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,079 Speaker 1: You know, it gives me a buzz to know that 200 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:17,360 Speaker 1: my podcast is helpful. But what it also does is 201 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,800 Speaker 1: it helps other people to find the podcast. The more 202 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:22,080 Speaker 1: ratings and reviews that are there, the more popular the 203 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,920 Speaker 1: podcast becomes, and we get to help thousands more families 204 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,360 Speaker 1: as a result. So Mim, thank you so much. If 205 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,440 Speaker 1: you'd like more information about how I can help, obviously 206 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,680 Speaker 1: there's the podcast, there's my Facebook page, and right now 207 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,200 Speaker 1: I'm so excited to tell you about the Happy Families 208 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,840 Speaker 1: membership or the info for how you can become a 209 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:42,880 Speaker 1: member at Happy Families and get really high quality weekly 210 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:47,360 Speaker 1: support from me, including Q and A's an exclusive podcast 211 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:50,560 Speaker 1: there's only available to subscribers. You can't get it just 212 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,200 Speaker 1: by getting the free one that this one is you 213 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:55,280 Speaker 1: can only get it on the Happy Families membership. There's 214 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,880 Speaker 1: also so many other opportunities for you to engage with 215 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,160 Speaker 1: me on making your f family happy. If you'd like 216 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:04,679 Speaker 1: more information about the Happy Families memberships, please visit happyfamilies 217 00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:06,720 Speaker 1: dot com dot A. You all go to my Facebook 218 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,200 Speaker 1: page doctor Justin Coulson's Happy Families