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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers now.

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Speaker 2: Using a child's relative successes or failures as a measure

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Speaker 2: of whether we are or aren't a good parent is

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Speaker 2: unhelpful and unhealthy, but many of us take that as

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Speaker 2: a signal that our parenting is on the right track.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 2: Hello, this is I can't even speak. Oh gosh, it's

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Speaker 2: a Bundai. Welcome to it. Hello, Hello, Hello Johnny. Why

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Speaker 2: the British accent?

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Speaker 3: I'm wondering myself.

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Speaker 2: For you, no, for you? Did I do a British accent?

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Speaker 2: Or did I sount oker?

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Speaker 3: I think it was a bit of both. Might be

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Speaker 3: a little bit confused.

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Speaker 2: Apologies to all Brits who are listening right now, who

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Speaker 2: are hearing missus. Happy Families called you Oka, I'm going

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Speaker 2: to throw you under the bus with that one. Alo

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Speaker 2: is what I'm trying to say. Hello, it's a new week.

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Speaker 2: We've got some important things to talk about that are parenting.

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Speaker 2: I'm doctor Justin Colson. You're Kylie, my wife, mumdour six kids.

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Speaker 2: I'm the founder of Happy Families Dot com dot Au

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Speaker 2: and this is the Happy Families Podcast.

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Speaker 3: At least you're not confused about everything.

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Speaker 2: Well, now we're in the swing of things. Don't waste

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Speaker 2: my momentum otherwise I'll lose where we are. This week

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Speaker 2: a very special week of episodes. We're going to tackle

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Speaker 2: parenting myths all week long and I can't wait to

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Speaker 2: get into it. There's so much to talk about here

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Speaker 2: when it comes to myths. On Wednesday, an important interview

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Speaker 2: with James Anderson about the myths around how our minds

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Speaker 2: work with our children. But today missus Happy Families. What

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Speaker 2: it means to be a good parent? What does it

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Speaker 2: mean to be a good parent? That's what we're going

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Speaker 2: to discuss. And You've got a couple of myths for

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Speaker 2: us to explore and explode as well. Where are we

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Speaker 2: going with this? What's the first one?

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Speaker 3: Well, I've got being a good mum means to self sacrifice.

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Speaker 2: Well, i'd say being a good parent because that's experienced

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Speaker 2: the same kind of pressure, maybe not maybe not the

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Speaker 2: same level of guilt that mums do. But yeah, there's

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Speaker 2: that idea of self sacrifice means to be a good parent.

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Speaker 3: And we're going to talk a little bit about what

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Speaker 3: it means if you're a good parent, you'll put to

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Speaker 3: your kids before your spouse.

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Speaker 2: But I've reflected on that a lot. But we take

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Speaker 2: parenting very seriously, not just at happy families, but in

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Speaker 2: Western society, we take parenting very very seriously. And even

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Speaker 2: though we've got decades of parenting science to guide us

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Speaker 2: in our parenting, we really can't prepare ourselves to what

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Speaker 2: parenting will require of us. Would you say that's fair?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, totally.

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Speaker 2: Like you, you get behind.

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Speaker 3: Just when you think it's all over because they move

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Speaker 3: out of home, you realize that it's actually still going.

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Speaker 2: It's a lifetime thing. Don't scare people. A lot of

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Speaker 2: people are dealing with their one year old right now,

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Speaker 2: going no, no, don't say that to me. But there's

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Speaker 2: all these messes of daily life. There's so much research

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Speaker 2: that's supposed to guide us, and we want to get

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Speaker 2: things right because if we get things right, that means

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Speaker 2: that we've been good parents.

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Speaker 3: But what's right?

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Speaker 2: Well, that's exactly what I was going to ask you.

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Speaker 2: What does it mean to get parenting right? And how

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Speaker 2: do we know that we're getting it right and that

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Speaker 2: we're being good at what we do? With all of

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Speaker 2: these unexpected moments that try because frankly, there is so

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Speaker 2: much parenting research to be done, there are so few

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Speaker 2: answers that we really truly have and.

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Speaker 3: From experience, just when you think you're getting it right,

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Speaker 3: in the next breath, something goes wrong.

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Speaker 2: But does that mean that you're not getting it right?

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Speaker 2: Just because the kids aren't playing by the rules of

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Speaker 2: the expectation that you've got in your mind, does that

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Speaker 2: mean you're not getting it right?

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Speaker 3: It's interesting. I just had a conversation with our elders

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Speaker 3: the other day. I was kind of having a little

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Speaker 3: bit of a meltdown because we had a few children

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Speaker 3: dealing with different challenges.

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Speaker 2: So, for those of you who are k new to

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Speaker 2: the podcast, our eldest is in her twenties. She's been

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Speaker 2: married for a few years now and moved out of

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Speaker 2: home and living her life.

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Speaker 3: And she just kind of joked with me and she said, Mum,

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Speaker 3: she said, I'm looking at my siblings and she said,

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Speaker 3: each one of us has brought a different challenge to

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Speaker 3: the table for you and Dad.

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Speaker 2: Only one one, Oh my goodness.

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Speaker 3: And I kind of reflect her on that, and it's like,

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Speaker 3: I just feel like we've worked through this particular challenge,

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Speaker 3: and we can't even use what we've learned from there

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Speaker 3: with the next one because it's a totally different challenge,

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Speaker 3: the totally different skill set required to navigate this particular

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Speaker 3: difficulty that a child's going through.

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Speaker 2: Last week, when we had that episode about dad rage,

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Speaker 2: your parent rage, one of the key themes that we

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Speaker 2: emphasized in that episode was parenting teaches you a lot

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Speaker 2: about yourself. It's going through these challenges with the children

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Speaker 2: where you learn about yourself. And I think that when

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Speaker 2: we consider what it is to be a good parent,

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Speaker 2: we've got our metrics all wrong. We're looking at the

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Speaker 2: wrong thing. Like do you look at how your child's

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Speaker 2: turning out and use that as a metric. But even

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Speaker 2: if you do turning out when like now, or turning

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Speaker 2: out in five years or once they're an adult, or

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Speaker 2: if they're the ducks of kinder or prep, does that

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Speaker 2: mean that we're nailing it? Or if they're one of

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Speaker 2: the good looking popular lines, does that mean that we're

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Speaker 2: good parents? Or is it just a question of lucky gene.

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Speaker 3: It's so interesting when you put it like that, because

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Speaker 3: the reality is, I don't look at anyone else any

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Speaker 3: other relationship to determine whether or not I'm a good person. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: because the reality is each person has the agency to

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Speaker 3: make their own choices, regardless of what's going on around

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Speaker 3: them or who's taught them. And yet, as a parent,

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Speaker 3: because I am so emotionally invested right in this human

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Speaker 3: being's life and their choices, I think that it determines

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Speaker 3: whether or not I've been a good parent or not.

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Speaker 2: So I wrote something that I want to read to you.

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Speaker 2: I haven't shared this with you before, but I wrote

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Speaker 2: something that highlights what you're saying and goes into it

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Speaker 2: a little bit more depth. And I've really thought about

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Speaker 2: this a lot, So tell me what you think about this.

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Speaker 2: Here's what I said. Using a child's relative successes or

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Speaker 2: failures in comparison appears as a measure of whether we

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Speaker 2: are or art a good parent is unhelpful and unhealthy.

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Speaker 2: But many of us take that as a signal that

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Speaker 2: our parenting is on the right track, that we're doing

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Speaker 2: well in the parenting stakes. But is how your child

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Speaker 2: turns out even relevant to being a good parent? What

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Speaker 2: if your child has ADHD and in spite of his

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Speaker 2: genius mental ability, he has limited capacity to inhibit his

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Speaker 2: behavior and so doesn't fulfill his academic potential. Oh and

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Speaker 2: he's clumsy with social situations. You watch from a distance

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Speaker 2: as he stumbles in his efforts to make friends. You

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Speaker 2: know he has a beautiful heart, he's a gorgeous kid.

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Speaker 2: He just can't seem to get it together. Does that

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Speaker 2: mean you're not a good parent? What if you've provided

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Speaker 2: a nurturing environment, built trust, had all of the important

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Speaker 2: conversations been present, and the experiment with alcohol or other

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Speaker 2: drugs make morally questionable choices, or drop out of school

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Speaker 2: to pursue their art, even if that art is making

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Speaker 2: YouTube videos or becoming a Twitch streamer. And are you

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Speaker 2: a good parent while your children are young and compliant,

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Speaker 2: But once they're in their teens and making independent choices

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Speaker 2: that conflict with your value system, you are now a

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Speaker 2: bad parent. That idea that we use the measure of

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Speaker 2: our children's character as a reflection on the success that

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Speaker 2: we've had as a parent, or the measure of our

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Speaker 2: children's successes as a reflection of how good we are

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Speaker 2: as a parent, it just doesn't make sense. And that's

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Speaker 2: that's something that we've got to get past. I think

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Speaker 2: parenting is about us, not the kids. That's why it's

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Speaker 2: called parenting. If it was about the kids, it would

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Speaker 2: be called children.

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Speaker 3: In Well, I know, as I matured and you know,

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Speaker 3: kind of became an adult, and people would, you know,

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Speaker 3: constantly tell me that, you know, I had these amazing

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Speaker 3: parents and that you know, they would be really proud

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Speaker 3: of who I'd become. There was just there was this

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Speaker 3: idea that I was who I was because of what

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Speaker 3: they had done, and I felt like it took away

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Speaker 3: from my own.

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Speaker 2: Accomplishments or your own development, and.

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Speaker 3: The fact that while I recognize, hands down I am

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Speaker 3: the person I am today because in part of them

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Speaker 3: their influence. Yeah, but ultimately it comes down to the

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Speaker 3: choices I've made as a result of the things that

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Speaker 3: they've taught me that make me who I am.

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Speaker 2: That's great comment. I'm so grateful to my parents for

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Speaker 2: everything that they did for me. But I feel like

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Speaker 2: I'm who I am because of the choices that I've

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Speaker 2: made building on the foundation of the environment that they

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Speaker 2: created for me and the support that they gave me

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Speaker 2: as a child. Yeah, and I reckon most people who

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Speaker 2: will listen to this would say the same thing. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I appreciate my parents, grateful what they did. But I've

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Speaker 2: made these choices. I've taken myself to the place that

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Speaker 2: I am today. For better orf or worse, it's on me,

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Speaker 2: it's not on them. So this is a little bit theoretical.

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Speaker 2: Let's talk about those myths right after the break. Dads

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Speaker 2: are pretty awesome, just ask me today. More dads are

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Speaker 2: more involved with their children's lives than ever before, and

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Speaker 2: research shows that their children are really benefiting from it.

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Speaker 2: But too often dads don't realize just how vital they

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Speaker 2: really are. In the Dadding done Right webinar, join me,

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Speaker 2: is I examine how dads can be a fantastic support,

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Speaker 2: the ideal role model, and an excellent all round best

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Speaker 2: dad ever. Check out Dating Done Right at the Happy

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Speaker 2: Family's webshop.

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Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for a time

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Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers? Now really interested? Where

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Speaker 3: this conversation is going to go?

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Speaker 1: Well?

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Speaker 2: I really enjoyed that first part of our conversation. Just now.

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Speaker 2: Well it wasn't supposed to go on for that long,

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Speaker 2: but I love where we went. Let's unpack this first

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Speaker 2: myth of being a good parent. What is it?

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Speaker 3: Being a good parent means to self sacrifice.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Okay, so you've got a few things

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Speaker 2: to say about this. As a mum of six kids,

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Speaker 2: where do you want to start?

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Speaker 3: I think that as a society, it is one hundred

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Speaker 3: percent kind of an expectation that if you want to

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Speaker 3: be a good parent, then you have to actually forego

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Speaker 3: the things that you want in order to put your

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Speaker 3: children first. And I've spent most of my mother ing

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Speaker 3: feeling like that was expected of me. At no point

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Speaker 3: have I ever resented making those choices. But as I

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Speaker 3: have matured and come to understand myself a lot more,

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Speaker 3: just recently in the last few years, I have recognized

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Speaker 3: that I'm actually a better mum when I am able

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Speaker 3: to take care of myself first. But I didn't understand

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Speaker 3: or recognize that as a young mum at a time

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Speaker 3: where I probably needed it the most, I was so

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Speaker 3: lacking in knowledge.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, to some degree, the more you sacrifice your needs

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Speaker 2: for your child, the.

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Speaker 3: Less of me there is to go around.

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Speaker 2: Which isn't always true, because sometimes we need to sacrifice

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Speaker 2: our own needs for our children as well, and as

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Speaker 2: a parent, one of the great learning processes we go

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Speaker 2: through is the capacity to discern when we should be

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Speaker 2: and when we shouldn't be, and we make a lot

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Speaker 2: of mistakes with it. It's a myth. I agree with you.

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Speaker 2: It's a myth that being a good parent means that

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Speaker 2: you sacrifice your needs for your child all the time.

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Speaker 2: There has to be a balance. It's not an all

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Speaker 2: or nothing proposition in either direction. You can't constantly sacrifice

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Speaker 2: your child's needs because you have needs. We know, well,

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Speaker 2: that's called neglectful parenting, and we know how kids raised

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Speaker 2: in those environments tend to turn out. Then it's not

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Speaker 2: usually to their benefit at all. But we also know

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Speaker 2: what happens when a parent, particularly a mum, sacrifices everything

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Speaker 2: for the child. She becomes exhausted and burnout and stressed

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Speaker 2: and can't actually give. It's like that whole thing you

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Speaker 2: can't fill from an empty bucket, an empty tank, whatever

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Speaker 2: it is. I can't remember the metaphor.

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Speaker 3: I had a.

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Speaker 2: Jug in my head. It's got a cup jug, whatever

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Speaker 2: it is, it's a cup. Yeah, okay, so that's the

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Speaker 2: first one. And I don't know that. There's a whole

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Speaker 2: lot more that we need to emphasize there other than that,

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Speaker 2: if you're a parent, there's got to be some way

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Speaker 2: for you to be able to look after yourself. And

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Speaker 2: when I say look after yourself, that doesn't mean vegging

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Speaker 2: out in front of Netflix until all hours of the

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Speaker 2: night because you need some peace and quiet and you

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Speaker 2: just want to go brain dead, get some sleep instead.

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Speaker 2: That's better looking after yourself than starring at Netflix.

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Speaker 3: For me, that the best thing that I have done

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Speaker 3: to take care of myself is actually giving myself a

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Speaker 3: small amount of time where I can actually have space,

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Speaker 3: like literally just space, go for a walk, yep, so

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Speaker 3: that I outside outside, I'm in nature, and I just

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Speaker 3: have the capacity to have my own thoughts.

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Speaker 2: What was the second myth that you wanted to discuss today,

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Speaker 2: That being.

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Speaker 3: A good parent means putting your kids before your spouse.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, ye're right, Okay, bad idea.

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Speaker 3: This is a really tricky one, especially when you've got

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Speaker 3: young kids, because the reality is there are significant needs

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Speaker 3: if you're you know, if you're breastfeeding a baby, or

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Speaker 3: if you've got a really clingy toddler, or you know,

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Speaker 3: as the children get a little bit older, they're not

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Speaker 3: old enough to kind of have a sleepover with Grandma Yette.

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Speaker 3: But you know, you still want to be able to

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Speaker 3: spend time, and then on top of all of that,

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Speaker 3: as a parent, you're exhausted, and so making time for

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Speaker 3: each other can be really, really challenging. And I remember

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Speaker 3: in our early years of marriage, we were just so

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Speaker 3: besotted with each other, and while we didn't have the

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Speaker 3: capacity to kind of go on dates and stuff, we

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Speaker 3: actually didn't see a real need for it because we

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Speaker 3: just lapped up anytime we got together, even though it

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Speaker 3: was very limited.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to put this out there and say it

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Speaker 2: really bluntly, and I know that this may mean that

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Speaker 2: I'm treating on some people's toes, so I want to

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Speaker 2: say it as sensitively as I can while still being

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Speaker 2: kind of really direct and blunt. And that is that

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Speaker 2: without a strong marriage and loving home, the likelihood of

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Speaker 2: everybody in the family failing to thrive or struggling goes up. So,

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Speaker 2: from my perspective and from a research base looking at

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Speaker 2: the data, you're putting your children, I think at risk.

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Speaker 2: You're putting your marriage at risk, You're putting everything at

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Speaker 2: risk if your spouse is not or your partner is

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Speaker 2: not your number one priority. In fact, just the other

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Speaker 2: day I was sitting in the living room tapping away

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Speaker 2: on the computer doing some work, and Emily came in

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Speaker 2: and said, Dad, do you love mum more than me?

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Speaker 2: And I looked at her and I said, Emily, I

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Speaker 2: love you so very much, but Mummy always comes first.

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Speaker 2: Mummy matters more than any of you kids, because Mummy's

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Speaker 2: my wife, and I love you and I do anything

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Speaker 2: for you, but Mum gets my hugs first. And she

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Speaker 2: kind of looked at me and said, okay, like she

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Speaker 2: was totally fine with it. She wasn't upset by it,

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Speaker 2: she wasn't offended by it. In some ways, I think

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Speaker 2: she was reassured. The foundation on which our family rests

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Speaker 2: is you and I. It's not your relationship with the kids,

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Speaker 2: on my relationship with the I wonder if.

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Speaker 3: She had that conversation with you, because the other night

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Speaker 3: when I went to pick you up from the airport

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Speaker 3: after you've been away, the kids volunteered. There's two drivers

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Speaker 3: in the house and they both volunteered, and they said,

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Speaker 3: I'll go get down, and I said no, I said

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Speaker 3: I'll go get him, and they kind of looked at

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Speaker 3: me and they went, yeah, because you're his favorite. And

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Speaker 3: I wonder if she's kind of just been mulling over

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Speaker 3: about me and wanted to know.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, there there's a really strong cultural bias, I think

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Speaker 2: towards favoring and prioritizing the needs of children over parents.

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Speaker 2: But whether it's going on a date night or just

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Speaker 2: giving the kids the remote control on of the TV

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Speaker 2: and saying, you can watch a movie for the next

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Speaker 2: hour and a half, we're having some time together in

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Speaker 2: the bedroom. We don't have to tell them why we're

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Speaker 2: having some time together in the bedroom. We just have

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Speaker 2: some time together in the bedroom, give them the remote,

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Speaker 2: and I'm just saying that's what you and I do.

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Speaker 2: I'm just suggesting that people could do that. I don't

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Speaker 2: want to go sharing the family secrets or anything, but

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Speaker 2: doing things that demonstrate that you can prioritize your relationship

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Speaker 2: over and above the remainder of the family relationships I

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Speaker 2: think is critically important. I haven't seen any evidence anywhere

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Speaker 2: that would make me question whether that matters or not.

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Speaker 2: So there's two myths that I think that we can

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Speaker 2: fairly soundly debunk dispute throughout the window. The first one

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Speaker 2: that you should sacrifice your own needs for your children.

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Speaker 2: You've got to make sure that there's a healthy balance there.

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Speaker 2: Kids do have needs and they do need to be met,

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Speaker 2: but you've got to make sure that you're well.

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Speaker 3: The reality is, though I think the I think I

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Speaker 3: need to debunk that myth. There is never a balance. Okay,

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Speaker 3: you're never going to get the balance right. And the

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Speaker 3: reality is your kids are going to take the lion share.

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Speaker 3: That that's family life.

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Speaker 2: True, yep.

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Speaker 3: But as a parent, finding some time to just feed

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Speaker 3: your soul whatever that looks like, is really important and

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Speaker 3: for different people to it'll be different things.

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Speaker 2: Okay. And the second myth is that the kids need

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Speaker 2: to come first. I would argue otherwise it's about your

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Speaker 2: spouse or partner first.

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Speaker 3: And again it'll be different for everyone. How you find

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Speaker 3: time for each other?

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Speaker 2: You are my favorite missus Happy Families, Well your minds okay.

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Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from

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Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. Hey, what

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Speaker 2: myths are we going to bust tomorrow?

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Speaker 3: Well, we're going to look at why we shouldn't be

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Speaker 3: friends with our kids. And you can tell a good

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Speaker 3: parent by how good their kids are.

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Speaker 2: Great stuff can't wait tomorrow On the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: Please join us there If you'd like more information about

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Speaker 2: the stuff we're talking about, visitors at happyfamilies dot com

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Speaker 2: dot you