1 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:10,080 Speaker 1: Do you ever find yourself stretched too thin at home 2 00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:13,240 Speaker 1: or at work? Have you ever felt like you're overworked 3 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: but not fulfilling your ptension, not using your strength, not 4 00:00:16,079 --> 00:00:19,600 Speaker 1: being utilized the way that you want to utilize your life. 5 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,920 Speaker 1: Do you ever feel like you're really, really, really really 6 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 1: busy but not productive, not getting the things done that 7 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,680 Speaker 1: need to be done. Do you ever feel like you're 8 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:34,919 Speaker 1: constantly in motion but never getting anywhere? What if your 9 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:40,720 Speaker 1: family could start twenty twenty five fresh, a complete reboot, 10 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:45,040 Speaker 1: a full restart. Hello and welcome to the first episode 11 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:48,040 Speaker 1: of the Happy Families podcast for twenty twenty five. It's 12 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,919 Speaker 1: real parenting solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. 13 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:57,680 Speaker 1: We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie, a fresh start 14 00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 1: for a fresh year. It sounds so good. 15 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,360 Speaker 2: At the end of twenty twenty four, I wasn't hiding 16 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,479 Speaker 2: the fact that I was really struggling. 17 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:08,440 Speaker 1: On the podcast. You sounded like you completely goes. 18 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:12,680 Speaker 2: Out, completely burnt out, to the point where the only 19 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:16,559 Speaker 2: solution I saw inside was it literally to throw life 20 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:21,160 Speaker 2: out the window. Everything, every component needed to go, and 21 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,320 Speaker 2: I just wanted to curl up in a ball and 22 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,640 Speaker 2: hide in a corner and not come out for a 23 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:27,120 Speaker 2: week or two, maybe three. 24 00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:29,160 Speaker 1: Yeah. 25 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:34,120 Speaker 2: So it's interesting how, in spite of all of that 26 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,640 Speaker 2: emotion and the way we were feeling, what a new 27 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:41,959 Speaker 2: year offers that clean slate. The visual for me is 28 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:46,800 Speaker 2: getting that new, clean diary, blank pages everywhere for a 29 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,000 Speaker 2: whole year, and we get to determine what fills the pages. 30 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:54,160 Speaker 2: And so, in spite of how exhausted I felt, a 31 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,520 Speaker 2: couple of quiet weeks over Christmas and the New Year 32 00:01:56,600 --> 00:02:00,440 Speaker 2: break have been everything that I needed and a new 33 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:04,520 Speaker 2: diary to reset and get set for twenty twenty five. 34 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,680 Speaker 1: At quieter Christmas than we have ever had, and it 35 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:10,840 Speaker 1: felt so good. So the real question is how do 36 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:14,959 Speaker 1: you get that refreshing start to a new year. Hopefully 37 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,840 Speaker 1: your break's been wonderful, but that's what we're going to 38 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:19,400 Speaker 1: talk about on the podcast today. 39 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,760 Speaker 2: As part of our reset, we decided to read a 40 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:26,680 Speaker 2: book together. It's a book called Essentialism by Greg McEwen. 41 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:29,120 Speaker 1: We used to do this years and years ago. We 42 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,919 Speaker 1: lay in bed each night and read to each other 43 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,560 Speaker 1: and it was wonderful. So we've rebooted that and I 44 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:35,119 Speaker 1: love it. 45 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,160 Speaker 2: This is actually a book you've already. 46 00:02:36,919 --> 00:02:39,040 Speaker 1: Read You Love It, one of my top five books 47 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:39,520 Speaker 1: of all time. 48 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:42,160 Speaker 2: And as we were having discussions towards the end of 49 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:46,440 Speaker 2: last year about how we wanted the next year to be, 50 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 2: as you were. 51 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,680 Speaker 1: Linging on by your fingernails. 52 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,720 Speaker 2: I kept saying, I just need things to slow down. 53 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:54,120 Speaker 2: I can't keep running this fast, and you said, but 54 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,680 Speaker 2: what does that look like? And in my mind, I'm 55 00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:00,400 Speaker 2: looking at this big to do list and nothing I 56 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,720 Speaker 2: can take out of it. I can't give away any children, 57 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,720 Speaker 2: I can't I can't stop doing the podcast like there 58 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,920 Speaker 2: was just there was nothing that I could stop doing. 59 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,760 Speaker 2: And as we've been reading this book, there's been a 60 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 2: handful of quotes that have really jumped out at me, 61 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:17,880 Speaker 2: and this one is just so profound. If you don't 62 00:03:17,919 --> 00:03:21,919 Speaker 2: prioritize your own life, someone else will. 63 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's someone who's usually about knee high and 64 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,120 Speaker 1: maybe waist high. If you've got teenagers, they're probably taller 65 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:26,480 Speaker 1: than you. 66 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:30,320 Speaker 2: And that was the big trap for me last year, 67 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:33,240 Speaker 2: because there were so many moving parts and so many 68 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:37,120 Speaker 2: new things for us to work through. I was allowing 69 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,240 Speaker 2: all of those other agendas to crowd in and take 70 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:44,480 Speaker 2: up the space without me first, prioritizing my needs. 71 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,040 Speaker 1: And then you've also got that agenda where I was 72 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:47,680 Speaker 1: going to say, the kids have got their own agendas, 73 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:49,960 Speaker 1: and I guess they do. Sometimes their agendas are leave 74 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,880 Speaker 1: me alone. I just want to I don't know, like 75 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:54,880 Speaker 1: I'm writing a book about teenage boys right now, so 76 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,080 Speaker 1: I want to use a terrible example. I just want 77 00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:00,000 Speaker 1: to stay in my room and vape and play video 78 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,800 Speaker 1: games or something like that. I mean, that's a kind 79 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,680 Speaker 1: of a dark example. But our kids have got their 80 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,560 Speaker 1: own agendas. They want to do their thing. They want 81 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:07,160 Speaker 1: to stay out, well. 82 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,120 Speaker 2: They just want to watch another episode in their show, 83 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 2: or they want to swim in the pool the time, 84 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,640 Speaker 2: you know, instead of helping or doing any number of 85 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,400 Speaker 2: other things that you've got on your agenda. 86 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:16,920 Speaker 1: And it derails everything that you're trying to do. And 87 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,599 Speaker 1: you've got the best of it. Your agenda really is 88 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,120 Speaker 1: to give them the best life possible, and they seem 89 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 1: intent on derailing that because they don't want the best 90 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,600 Speaker 1: life possible. They want to watch DV now or eat 91 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:29,040 Speaker 1: junk food now. And so we keep on trying to 92 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:32,280 Speaker 1: do more and more and more and more. And this 93 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:33,479 Speaker 1: is why we need a fresh start. 94 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,680 Speaker 2: I remember when our kids were a lot younger, I 95 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:39,520 Speaker 2: was going to the gym with my friend each morning, 96 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,120 Speaker 2: and we had these conversations regularly about the fact that 97 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:43,800 Speaker 2: you know, she'd come home and she'd have a shower 98 00:04:43,839 --> 00:04:45,280 Speaker 2: and get into a normal clothes and get on with 99 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,160 Speaker 2: the day. And I found that if I had a 100 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 2: shower and I changed, I didn't have the same motivation 101 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:55,320 Speaker 2: level to get through my big to do list. And 102 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,719 Speaker 2: so I would stay in my gym clothes and my sneakers, 103 00:04:57,720 --> 00:04:59,480 Speaker 2: and I would tell you, the only way I can 104 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,240 Speaker 2: get through to if I have my stack as on, 105 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:02,880 Speaker 2: because I have to keep running. 106 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:05,160 Speaker 1: I remember you saying that, and you would say, I 107 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:08,279 Speaker 1: literally run to the washing loan. I literally run to 108 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:11,040 Speaker 1: the laundry. I literally run to the kitchen. I literally 109 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,120 Speaker 1: run to the car. And if I'm in my gym gear, 110 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,239 Speaker 1: it just makes me more energized and keeps me moving, 111 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:19,200 Speaker 1: which is not really what life's supposed to be. 112 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,520 Speaker 2: In essentialism, he actually says it's not about getting more 113 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 2: things done, it's about getting the right things done. 114 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,320 Speaker 1: So after the break, we're going to break it down 115 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:33,080 Speaker 1: four things to restart the year, to freshen it up. 116 00:05:33,279 --> 00:05:44,359 Speaker 1: We call it the Wise Family Reset, Kylie. A fresh 117 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:48,880 Speaker 1: start means stripping back to essentials. Our Wise Family Reset 118 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,760 Speaker 1: is going to help everyone to do that. 119 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,800 Speaker 2: The biggest thing I struggled with towards the end of 120 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,039 Speaker 2: the year was a feeling or a lack of feeling 121 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:57,760 Speaker 2: in control. 122 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,479 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, it's called burnout and literally meaning you don't 123 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,880 Speaker 1: have a sense that you have any agency or control 124 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,159 Speaker 1: over your life. 125 00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 2: And so the idea that we can be intentional about 126 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,600 Speaker 2: what we say yes to helps us to feel more 127 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,760 Speaker 2: in control. We can get the right things done the 128 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:17,960 Speaker 2: right way at the right time, and we can find 129 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:20,279 Speaker 2: joy in the every day as a result. 130 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,479 Speaker 1: It sounds like a fresh refresh. It sounds like a 131 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:26,480 Speaker 1: fresh start. The Wise Family Reset is really simple for things, 132 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,640 Speaker 1: and it's an acronym. That's what it's called, the Wise 133 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:32,919 Speaker 1: Family Reset. W stands for workout what matters. I stands 134 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:38,320 Speaker 1: for implement tiny changes. S stands for sync as a team, 135 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,840 Speaker 1: not as in sync like the Titanic, but SINC as 136 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:44,119 Speaker 1: in get on the same page. You just s sinc 137 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,320 Speaker 1: as a team and the EMU later in the year, 138 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 1: that's right. The E stands for encouraged, don't nag so 139 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,760 Speaker 1: let's break this down, go through each of those one 140 00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:57,200 Speaker 1: by one. The w workout what matters. This is the 141 00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:00,480 Speaker 1: Wise Family reset. Work out what matters has two elements. 142 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:04,240 Speaker 2: I think it's so important as an individual and especially 143 00:07:04,279 --> 00:07:07,240 Speaker 2: as you know, the mom and dad of the family, 144 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,520 Speaker 2: to actually work out what matters most to you as 145 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,760 Speaker 2: an individual and as a couple before you include the 146 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,600 Speaker 2: children's processing into that equation. 147 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,960 Speaker 1: At the end of last year, several times I said 148 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,120 Speaker 1: to you, Collie, what do you actually want? Because so 149 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,400 Speaker 1: few people can articulate what they want, and you couldn't. 150 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,800 Speaker 1: You were unable to tell me what you wanted full stop. 151 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,080 Speaker 1: End of story. And eventually after about a week and 152 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 1: a half you said it's one of things, slowed down 153 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:30,840 Speaker 1: and said, all right, well, we've got to work on 154 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,800 Speaker 1: understanding what that looks like, what that means. That's why 155 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:37,400 Speaker 1: we pulled this book out. But the Wise Family reset 156 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:43,920 Speaker 1: working out what matters, creating personal space, escaping, having time 157 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,120 Speaker 1: to think. There's this part in our brain called the 158 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 1: default mode network. It's associated with thinking and guess what 159 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:56,240 Speaker 1: in today's digitally charged world where we are so burdened 160 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:59,000 Speaker 1: and so busy, and then when we use our downtime 161 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:02,200 Speaker 1: to stare at a screen. The DMN, the default mode network, 162 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,640 Speaker 1: which is so important for developing identity and asking the 163 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,760 Speaker 1: big questions and having that escape, it doesn't get a 164 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:09,560 Speaker 1: chance to turn on the way it's supposed to. Like 165 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:11,800 Speaker 1: once upon a time when there was nothing to do, 166 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:16,000 Speaker 1: you know what, you did nothing, and the DMN, the 167 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:18,280 Speaker 1: defaut mode network in your brain would switch in and go, hm, 168 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,000 Speaker 1: there's nothing to do, which means now I get to 169 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,640 Speaker 1: ask myself the big existential questions like why am I here? 170 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:23,960 Speaker 1: And what do I want? And how am I going 171 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,440 Speaker 1: to make a contribution on what's my purpose? And all 172 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,440 Speaker 1: that sort of stuff. So when we pick up a 173 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:29,920 Speaker 1: screen and play a game, or we pick up a 174 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,680 Speaker 1: screen and scroll our socials, what we do is we 175 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:37,199 Speaker 1: disallow the DMN from kicking in, which means that our 176 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,680 Speaker 1: brain never gets the downtime it needs to think about 177 00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:41,760 Speaker 1: the big questions and allow us to feel like we 178 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:45,320 Speaker 1: are rested. I'm turning into an anti screen kind of 179 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:48,720 Speaker 1: person because it just doesn't let us shut off, which 180 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:53,720 Speaker 1: exacerbates and amplifies the stress and the burnout and the fatigue. 181 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,520 Speaker 1: You've just said, to work out what matters you need 182 00:08:56,559 --> 00:08:58,440 Speaker 1: that personal space. I'm going to go further. I'm going 183 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 1: to say you need to escape. You need to escape, 184 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,360 Speaker 1: even if it's for a few hours, so that you 185 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,920 Speaker 1: can just do nothing, just let your brain do what 186 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,800 Speaker 1: your brain is supposed to do. It's incredible what it 187 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,080 Speaker 1: will come up with. But there's two things to work 188 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:11,760 Speaker 1: out what matters. 189 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,600 Speaker 2: So the second part of this is that while it's 190 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,040 Speaker 2: really important for us as individuals to work out what 191 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,200 Speaker 2: matters most, we actually need to bring the family in. 192 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,640 Speaker 2: They need to be a part of this process as well, 193 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:25,079 Speaker 2: and together we get to work out what's important for 194 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:25,760 Speaker 2: our family. 195 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,680 Speaker 1: Sometimes you'll have the answer beforehand. That's why you create 196 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,160 Speaker 1: that personal space and have that escape and figure it out. 197 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:32,960 Speaker 1: But sometimes even though you think you know the answer, 198 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,480 Speaker 1: you sit down with the family and say, hey, what 199 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:36,760 Speaker 1: matters here, and they give you something that you were 200 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:39,520 Speaker 1: not expecting. And it's really important to be open to that. 201 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:42,120 Speaker 1: It's a new opportunity for us to get that fresh start. 202 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:45,040 Speaker 1: What you thought was necessary, it might only be necessary 203 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,600 Speaker 1: for you, it might not be necessary for the whole family. Alternatively, 204 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,600 Speaker 1: the family could just be completely deluding themselves. They could 205 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:54,840 Speaker 1: be fully to Lulu, I thought I was so gen 206 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:58,760 Speaker 1: olf when I said that, and they need your prefrontal 207 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,280 Speaker 1: cortex to step in and say, well, you know what, 208 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,120 Speaker 1: those things are important, but this is the stuff that 209 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,120 Speaker 1: matters most. 210 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,800 Speaker 2: I think if the family's really struggling to come together 211 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,880 Speaker 2: with this and work out what matters most, one of 212 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,640 Speaker 2: the most important questions you can ask them is when 213 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,360 Speaker 2: has it felt great in our family? 214 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:12,800 Speaker 1: Beautiful? 215 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, when has it felt great? 216 00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:14,880 Speaker 1: What were we doing? 217 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,800 Speaker 2: Then you can narrow down what you were doing in 218 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 2: those moments and what it was that enabled that moment 219 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:20,880 Speaker 2: to feel great. 220 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,280 Speaker 1: Wise, family reset. Once you've worked out what matters, implement 221 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:25,880 Speaker 1: tiny changes. 222 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,559 Speaker 2: So often we have this clean slate and we want 223 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:30,240 Speaker 2: to change it all. 224 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:33,560 Speaker 1: It's like when you say I'm going to get fit 225 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,160 Speaker 1: and healthy, and so you go on the diet and 226 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:37,400 Speaker 1: you join the gym and you. 227 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,160 Speaker 2: Want to lose twenty kilos in a day. 228 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:42,360 Speaker 1: That's right, and you do day one and you kind 229 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:43,840 Speaker 1: of well, you wake up on day two and you 230 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,560 Speaker 1: can't move and you're hungry and you're having sugar withdrawals, 231 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:47,959 Speaker 1: or maybe you've given. 232 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,520 Speaker 2: Up a and you eat a block of chocolate. 233 00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:51,320 Speaker 1: He cover, it's too hard. I don't want to do this, 234 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:54,679 Speaker 1: So we want to start small. When you do it yourself, 235 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,559 Speaker 1: and especially when you do it with the family, say okay, 236 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,800 Speaker 1: so screens are an issue, or bedtimes an issue, or 237 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,280 Speaker 1: mornings are an issue, whatever it is, what's one small 238 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:02,679 Speaker 1: thing that we can work on this week to make 239 00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:04,760 Speaker 1: it better. It's just one small thing. We're not going 240 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:05,960 Speaker 1: to do the whole lot, which is going to pick 241 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 1: on one thing and when we get really good at that, 242 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,320 Speaker 1: then we'll move to the next step. So Number one, 243 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:14,760 Speaker 1: workout what matters. Number two, implement tiny changes. 244 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,120 Speaker 2: Number three is we sync together as a team. We 245 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:21,600 Speaker 2: actually pull it all together, and we work together as 246 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,640 Speaker 2: a team. We create a plan and then we're able 247 00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:27,679 Speaker 2: to implement that plan as part of that process. 248 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,840 Speaker 1: It's really about being on the same page. If you 249 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:32,360 Speaker 1: sit down as a parent and say, right, this is 250 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,000 Speaker 1: what we need to do to make our family function 251 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:36,840 Speaker 1: and the kids aren't buying in, it just feels horrible. 252 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:40,000 Speaker 1: It doesn't go well. Whereas if everyone's got some input, 253 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:44,320 Speaker 1: everyone's involved in the development of the plan, everyone's involved 254 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,640 Speaker 1: in the conversation, everyone is in agreement that yeah, this 255 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:49,920 Speaker 1: is something that's worth working on. That's how you sink 256 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:54,440 Speaker 1: as a team. Wis w workout what matters, I implement 257 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:57,760 Speaker 1: tiny changes, s sink as a team and the last 258 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,920 Speaker 1: one encourage nag. 259 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,200 Speaker 2: So how do you do this in practical terms? How 260 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:07,440 Speaker 2: are you seen by your children as an encourager and 261 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:08,080 Speaker 2: not a nagger. 262 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,680 Speaker 1: Let me start with what not to do. Don't point fingers. 263 00:12:12,559 --> 00:12:15,120 Speaker 1: We have talked about this often at home. You're not 264 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:16,959 Speaker 1: the police. 265 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:18,000 Speaker 2: You're not the police. 266 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:18,640 Speaker 1: You're not the police. 267 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,880 Speaker 2: You're not the food police, you're not the you're not 268 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,079 Speaker 2: the homework police. 269 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,520 Speaker 1: Almost please or whatever it is, or the bedtime police. 270 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,000 Speaker 1: You are the parent, and there has been an agreement reached. 271 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,640 Speaker 1: But usually if you step in and start pointing things 272 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,200 Speaker 1: and say, hey, I thought we agreed, Hey, what are 273 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,360 Speaker 1: you doing that for? Hey we said we wouldn't do that, 274 00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:37,320 Speaker 1: everyone feels judged rather than loved. I don't think that 275 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,160 Speaker 1: hate is the opposite of love. I think judgment is, 276 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:43,120 Speaker 1: and judgment shuts down relationships, that ruptures them, It stops conversation. 277 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,400 Speaker 1: It's just not helpful. So rather than doing that, you've 278 00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:49,360 Speaker 1: got a couple of options. Option number one is you 279 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,320 Speaker 1: notice it and then later that day, in a totally 280 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:55,120 Speaker 1: different context, maybe on the edge of their bed. That night, 281 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,760 Speaker 1: you sit down and say, hey, we've been going pretty well, 282 00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,640 Speaker 1: but today there was a couple of slip ups. What 283 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:03,000 Speaker 1: did you notice and see if they can identify it 284 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,080 Speaker 1: and say, I'm not getting you in trouble. I know 285 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,680 Speaker 1: you're doing your very best, but what do you reckon 286 00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:09,640 Speaker 1: we can do tomorrow to make sure that doesn't happen again. 287 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,640 Speaker 1: In other words, let it slide in the moment, because 288 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,240 Speaker 1: the moment doesn't matter as much as the learning that 289 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,880 Speaker 1: can come from it later on. If you do feel 290 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,400 Speaker 1: like you need to step in in the moment because 291 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,640 Speaker 1: there's been an agreement made, we're having a fresh start everyone, 292 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,199 Speaker 1: you can just smile and say, hey, guys, fresh starts. 293 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,600 Speaker 1: Or you might let's say, I don't know. Let's say 294 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,960 Speaker 1: they're on their screen and the screen really needs to 295 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,679 Speaker 1: go off. You might simply say, I don't want to 296 00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:34,000 Speaker 1: be the nag. I know that you know what we've 297 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,640 Speaker 1: agreed on, so let's see if we can come up 298 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,520 Speaker 1: with a solution here. Because what's happening right now isn't 299 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,920 Speaker 1: what we agreed to on Saturday or on Sunday when 300 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,880 Speaker 1: we had our family meeting. And if you've got a 301 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,880 Speaker 1: ten year old like ours, she's going to look at 302 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,960 Speaker 1: you and go but it's not and have a big 303 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,160 Speaker 1: sook and you can say, I know it doesn't feel fair. 304 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:52,280 Speaker 1: I'm going to give you a minute to have a 305 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:55,280 Speaker 1: think about it and then we'll talk about it again then. 306 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,520 Speaker 1: So you're letting the emotion go out of the moment. 307 00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:59,520 Speaker 1: You're not putting pressure on them. And usually what the 308 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:03,040 Speaker 1: kids do is they go, mum more, Dad has left 309 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:05,240 Speaker 1: the room and we did make that agreement, and a 310 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,400 Speaker 1: minute or so later they'll usually turn off the TV 311 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,720 Speaker 1: or they'll do the thing they're supposed to do. Those 312 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,480 Speaker 1: the two ways that I would go about it. Every 313 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:12,839 Speaker 1: now and again. You've got to step in with force. 314 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,120 Speaker 1: Every now and again, you've got to step in and 315 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,200 Speaker 1: just be the big, tough guy, the parent. But when 316 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,360 Speaker 1: that happens again, you talk about it later. It's about 317 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:22,400 Speaker 1: the conversations that happen later. We're not striving for perfection. 318 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:28,479 Speaker 1: We're striving for small, incremental, implemented improvements. 319 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:29,960 Speaker 2: I think the way that comes to me at the 320 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:34,000 Speaker 2: moment is just realistic expectations of our children. When we're 321 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,960 Speaker 2: trying to implement new things in our lives. Even us 322 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 2: as adults struggle with that. It's not something that we 323 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,600 Speaker 2: get perfect right away, and our children and are going 324 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,640 Speaker 2: to be the same. And so just like a new 325 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,760 Speaker 2: year provides us with this beautiful clean slate, this new 326 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:52,240 Speaker 2: beginning each day provides us with that. 327 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,680 Speaker 1: A fresh start for a new year twenty twenty five, 328 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,640 Speaker 1: here we come. Have that family meeting with the kids. 329 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,760 Speaker 1: See how it goes, the wise family recess it, work 330 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:04,280 Speaker 1: out what matters, implement tiny changes, sink as a team, Encourage, 331 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:08,240 Speaker 1: don't nag. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin 332 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,480 Speaker 1: Ruland from Bridge Media. We would love it if you 333 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:12,680 Speaker 1: would leave us a rating and review. Those five star 334 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:14,840 Speaker 1: ratings and reviews make it easier for other people to 335 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,040 Speaker 1: find the podcast really makes a difference. So for a 336 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,240 Speaker 1: brand new year, could you help us out? Could you 337 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,080 Speaker 1: give us a five star rating and review Wherever you 338 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,040 Speaker 1: listen to the pod, it genuinely makes a really big difference. 339 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:27,720 Speaker 1: If you would like more information about making your family happier, 340 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,120 Speaker 1: we've got all the resources you need at happy families 341 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:31,840 Speaker 1: dot com dot au.