Speaker 1: Hey, guys, and welcome to another episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 1: I'm Laura and I'm Brwutney, and today we have a
Speaker 1: real doozy of an episode for you. I think it's
Speaker 1: fair to say that most people have experienced some sort
Speaker 1: of toxic relationship in their life, whether it be with
Speaker 1: a family member, with a coworker, or in their own
Speaker 1: personal relationships. Today, someone very close to me is going
Speaker 1: to be sharing their experience with the toxic relationship. And
Speaker 1: that person is so close to me, she is close
Speaker 1: enough that I can smell her. Please, don't do you
Speaker 1: want me to work pretty early in the morning. Have
Speaker 1: you showered yet? I actually haven't known you. No, No,
Speaker 1: it's okay. It's five point thirty in the morning right now,
Speaker 1: and this is the only time we had to get
Speaker 1: this podcast done, so we were on our hustle. Guys,
Speaker 1: Britt is going to be sharing with us a pretty
Speaker 1: huge dating story and how she's dealt with this toxic
Speaker 1: relationship in her life and how it's shaped her. And
Speaker 1: I'm really really proud of her for sharing this, and
Speaker 1: I'm actually really excited for her to share this with
Speaker 1: all of you, not because it is an exciting story,
Speaker 1: It is actually really quite a traumatic story. But I
Speaker 1: think that there are a lot of points from this
Speaker 1: that are going to relate to a lot of people
Speaker 1: who may find themselves in similar situations or find themselves
Speaker 1: in other toxic relationships. But before we get into the
Speaker 1: thick of it, britt I know you watched The Bachelor.
Speaker 1: Of course, I I'm only human. Give me your low down.
Speaker 1: What do you reckon? Right?
Speaker 2: Well, we did speak about it last week. I openly
Speaker 2: love Matt you love him?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think Matt agnew. Just so you know, if
Speaker 1: you didn't pick anyone, Brittany loves you the end, I
Speaker 1: thought you would. I'm going to send him. I'm going
Speaker 1: to send him a text. I'm going to slide into
Speaker 1: his DMS and let him know I have a sneaky
Speaker 1: suspicion the man is very in love.
Speaker 2: Which I'm stoked for because that's what the show's about.
Speaker 2: Don't say you're stoked.
Speaker 1: It's a lie. She's actually heartbroken. But you know what,
Speaker 1: we're still pretty excited about the show itself. So, yeah,
Speaker 1: I did watch it. Did you watch it? Yes? Okay,
Speaker 1: So we were away for the week and I made
Speaker 1: my sister book an Airbnb that had TV free to air.
Speaker 1: I was there. We couldn't go out for dinner because
Speaker 1: I was watching The Bachelor. It's a dedication, isn't it?
Speaker 1: Very much? So? So, what did you.
Speaker 2: Think of the first lot of girls, because obviously it
Speaker 2: was they came in two lots over two nights. What
Speaker 2: was your initial just go your initial overthought?
Speaker 1: I love them, I love them all. No, I think
Speaker 1: that it's been cast so well. We said this in
Speaker 1: the last episode, but this season seems to really have
Speaker 1: characters and I like that. I like that there is
Speaker 1: the villain, but she kind of came in as the
Speaker 1: crazy bride and crazy yeah, I get a real cure
Speaker 1: vibe from her. What I love.
Speaker 2: I love that she brought her best friend in as
Speaker 2: the bridesmaid. But I'm pretty sure Matt got confused and
Speaker 2: thought it was a contestant.
Speaker 1: Did anyone else hear her call her friend a bitch face? Though?
Speaker 1: Did you see that best friend goals? I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: that is. I don't know how you're gonna feel being
Speaker 1: the best friend watching that back. Speaking of toxic relationships,
Speaker 1: don't let your friend call your bitch face.
Speaker 2: It's not nice. Remove yourself from that immediately.
Speaker 1: So okay, if you had to pick your top girls,
Speaker 1: who are they off the bat? Okay?
Speaker 2: So I think Eleanor So she was the girl from Mauritius.
Speaker 1: Yeah she's French. Yeah, she looks beautiful. Sheems Oh you
Speaker 1: mean cream that one? I like her?
Speaker 2: Oh cream, No, I liked her. She seemed super normal.
Speaker 2: She was beautiful. I think Ellie.
Speaker 1: She won me over with the marshmallow campfire. Elle everyone
Speaker 1: everyone over. She's the dream.
Speaker 2: She was just so sweet. I think we'll see her
Speaker 2: in the end.
Speaker 1: I'm worried that I'm gonna get Nikki Gogan. She's amazing,
Speaker 1: she'll be potent. Yeah. Oh, or we have to prepare
Speaker 1: our hearts for that. Or maybe she's the girl, Maybe
Speaker 1: she's she might be you know who I love. I
Speaker 1: love the girl from Rio. I just think her narrating
Speaker 1: of this season so far, with the Kelly hair. I
Speaker 1: want to be best friends with her and I want
Speaker 1: her to narrate my life so funny.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she's a cutie. She's got really glowy skin.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Now BRIT's creeping on her host Well. Do you
Speaker 1: know what else I like about this season? I like
Speaker 1: that they've brought in the intruders, and they've brought them
Speaker 1: in at the very beginning because normally there's this sense
Speaker 1: that an intruder can't win the show because the intruders
Speaker 1: haven't had enough time with the bachelor. Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: I do think it's been from the few of the
Speaker 1: girls dropped their comments, and just how we know filming is.
Speaker 1: I think it's been about a week. It was only
Speaker 1: night two, but I reckon the girls had about a
Speaker 1: week in there before the intruders came in. But that's nothing.
Speaker 1: Only in a week only one person's probably had a
Speaker 1: single date so far, so most people are pretty much
Speaker 1: on an even playing field. Yeah. I really like that
Speaker 1: instead of bringing the intruders in three quarters of w through,
Speaker 1: which they normally do just to try and spice things
Speaker 1: up for the viewer. There's no way that an intruder's
Speaker 1: gonna win if they've only got two weeks to spend
Speaker 1: with the guy, of course. Yeah, so bringing them in
Speaker 1: at the beginning it means that we still have that
Speaker 1: injection of new girls. Do you know what I think
Speaker 1: is funny?
Speaker 2: Though ane of them could win. Yeah, And I love
Speaker 2: how it's old girls first new girls. And I love
Speaker 2: how the old girls are like, we're the old girls.
Speaker 2: You can't come in here, And I was like, babes,
Speaker 2: it's been one episode.
Speaker 1: It's been one but you know what, they've been in
Speaker 1: there for a week, so they already start to feel
Speaker 1: like they've got their click and they've got their groove
Speaker 1: of what's happening in the house. So I can kind
Speaker 1: of understand that we never had intruders on our season
Speaker 1: at all. No. None. I don't know why. I don't
Speaker 1: know whether it was a call from production or where
Speaker 1: the Matt had said that he didn't want intruders, but
Speaker 1: we never ever had any.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I feel like they get halfway and they're like, oh,
Speaker 2: we need to spice this up.
Speaker 1: What did you think of the date with sigand the
Speaker 1: first single date?
Speaker 2: Yeah, to be honest, I was a bit on the
Speaker 2: fence about it because I thought it was super over
Speaker 2: the top, okay, as in like what they were doing
Speaker 2: was over the top.
Speaker 1: Well, I don't know.
Speaker 2: I just didn't feel like I saw enough of them
Speaker 2: actually talking. Oh my god, thank you so I actually
Speaker 2: met think you I'm made a comment on Instagram. I
Speaker 2: was sort of doing some Instagram stories, mainly of me eating,
Speaker 2: looking distressed, I said, did I just blink and miss
Speaker 2: the whole chat because I didn't see anything.
Speaker 1: So I was actually looking at the social media pages
Speaker 1: for the date from the Bachelor's instagram, and everyone was saying,
Speaker 1: this is the most romantic date I've ever seen. Their
Speaker 1: perfect together. I honestly don't think I heard them say
Speaker 1: one sentence other than other than the one bit where
Speaker 1: Segun said, this is so beautiful, I'm speechless, and I
Speaker 1: was like, girl, you've been speechless this whole day. You
Speaker 1: haven't said one word.
Speaker 2: And also the orchestra, I didn't even hear them play,
Speaker 2: but they looked great in the background. I just didn't
Speaker 2: see them have any actual chemistry. Yeah, in the in
Speaker 2: the helicopter, they didn't actually have any conversation at all.
Speaker 2: They were just enjoying the view. And I think she
Speaker 2: did open up a little bit towards the end about
Speaker 2: how she'd been single first seven years, which is how
Speaker 2: we ended up getting into our conversation for today.
Speaker 1: But that was the only thing. But that was the
Speaker 1: only thing, and I don't know if that was enough
Speaker 1: to be able to say that they had this real chemistry.
Speaker 2: I'm glad you said that, because I thought I must
Speaker 2: have just had a micro sleep and missed.
Speaker 1: The whole thing. But no, not just me. It didn't
Speaker 1: have a micro sleep. I honestly, I wasn't sold on
Speaker 1: that first single date, to be honest, nor was I. Also,
Speaker 1: where did they get changed in the bush? That's my
Speaker 1: point behind of it? Wind? And where did the dress
Speaker 1: come from? Matt? I'm sorry when they say Matt set
Speaker 1: that up. You did not put that dresser. Oh, come,
Speaker 1: we allt don't don't ruin the smoke and mirrors. The
Speaker 1: Bachelor organizes all the dates. Actually, do you know what?
Speaker 1: I can say this and attest to this. The Bachelor
Speaker 1: has a very very big say on every single date.
Speaker 1: I know that there's this like rumor out there that
Speaker 1: all the dates are done by production. The Bachelor actually
Speaker 1: gets to dictate very much the plan of the date. Yes,
Speaker 1: and just I'm just taking a p She's hateful because
Speaker 1: she thinks Matt's in love and it's not with Britt.
Speaker 1: I can give you that spoiler. Matt and Britt do
Speaker 1: not end up together.
Speaker 2: Spoiler.
Speaker 1: So okay, So we got talking after the Bachelor, and
Speaker 1: if you've listened to our first episode, you would know
Speaker 1: that Britt touched on the fact that she has been
Speaker 1: single for seven years, which for some people might sound crazy,
Speaker 1: because Britt, you have everything going for you, why are
Speaker 1: you single? And I know that that's really an offensive
Speaker 1: thing to be asked. No, it's it's not offensive.
Speaker 2: It's just that it wears you down sometimes when a
Speaker 2: lot of people ask you over and over and over
Speaker 2: again for seven yearly.
Speaker 1: But often there's a reason. Maybe you've chosen that, maybe
Speaker 1: you haven't met the right guy yet, but you have
Speaker 1: quite a good reason up until this point as to
Speaker 1: why you carved out some time for yourself.
Speaker 2: Correct, Laura, thanks for asking.
Speaker 1: I am asking, and I really, I mean, I really
Speaker 1: want to approach this sensitively for you, So I really
Speaker 1: kind of want to give you the microphone a little
Speaker 1: bit and lead into this conversation however you feel most
Speaker 1: comfortable as well. I am.
Speaker 2: To be honest, I'm pretty open and comfortable talking about
Speaker 2: this now, but I never have really voiced it on
Speaker 2: a national platform before I got to the point where
Speaker 2: I started to talk a lot about it with my friends,
Speaker 2: and I did mention it to Nick on The Bachelor,
Speaker 2: but we didn't go quite into depth because I had
Speaker 2: said I just wanted to skim the surface with it,
Speaker 2: and I didn't want to be airing my dirty laundry
Speaker 2: on national television.
Speaker 1: Did you take a little while to sort of process
Speaker 1: the fact that your whole life was going to be
Speaker 1: in the public, I one hundred percent did.
Speaker 2: Okay, Yeah, and I definitely was not going on there
Speaker 2: for a well is me and this is my story?
Speaker 2: Otherwise I would have told it.
Speaker 1: Yes, So I do have.
Speaker 2: An interesting story and I want to help people that
Speaker 2: might be in this situation because I do think it's
Speaker 2: going to be a lot more common. And essentially that
Speaker 2: is well, to put it simply, I dated a sociopath.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so there it is. That is the end. Thank
Speaker 1: you for listening to our podcast. And look, I don't
Speaker 1: think that it's fair to throw around the term sociopath
Speaker 1: really nearly because we don't have any sort of degrees,
Speaker 1: we don't have qualifications in this. But I think once
Speaker 1: you listen to this story that Britt is going to share,
Speaker 1: it's pretty hard to say that this person or individual
Speaker 1: who made these decisions doesn't display sociopathic tendencies.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and clinically I know that this person is Now
Speaker 2: I mean, people use sociopath and psychopath interchangeably, but they
Speaker 2: are different. Also, there's this big common misconception that both
Speaker 2: are these violent, horrible murderers that we see on TV
Speaker 2: thanks to people like shows like Criminal Minds.
Speaker 1: Of course, but I think that there are a lot
Speaker 1: of people who are very high functioning and who have
Speaker 1: amazing jobs, and they can maintain some solid relationships, but
Speaker 1: they dip into being very narcissistic or they display those
Speaker 1: tendencies without necessarily having to be full blown.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so there's a narcissistic personality disorder that sort of
Speaker 2: goes hand in hand with a sociopath. Yes, usually they
Speaker 2: share very similar characteristics character traits.
Speaker 1: And I think we're gonna call him Luke. His name
Speaker 1: was not Luke. And this whole episode is not about
Speaker 1: trying to trying to make a victim out of a
Speaker 1: certain person, So you want to keep him anonymous. This
Speaker 1: isn't about calling somebody out about awareness. It's not a
Speaker 1: revenge podcast by any means. Definitely not. So let's start
Speaker 1: the story.
Speaker 2: This is the reason I've been single basically for seven years.
Speaker 2: I met Luke at work, and Luke is he was
Speaker 2: the most beautiful, charismatic.
Speaker 1: He could sell water, to fish.
Speaker 2: The guy could he could do anything he wanted. He
Speaker 2: could convince you of anything, and you would. He had
Speaker 2: this air of confidence where he would walk down on
Speaker 2: the corridor and whether you were attracted to him or not,
Speaker 2: you looked at him.
Speaker 1: Do you know those people? Yes, just an a real energy.
Speaker 2: Just the way they carry themselves, and a little bit
Speaker 2: egotistical that came out later.
Speaker 1: But so sometimes that's attractive in someone as well, you know,
Speaker 1: having like a little bit of arrogance, especially if they're
Speaker 1: in a powerful job, that can be really attractive. I
Speaker 1: know I have sort of been drawn towards that in
Speaker 1: a person before.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just that maybe if they sit at about
Speaker 2: seventy to eighty percent of arrogance, yeah, not about one
Speaker 2: hundred and fifty seven, which is what Luke was sitting at.
Speaker 1: Anyway.
Speaker 2: So this is quite a long story, so I'm just
Speaker 2: gonna try and give you the main points. He approached
Speaker 2: me and basically told me I was beautiful, taught me
Speaker 2: everything I wanted to hear. We started dating immediately, and
Speaker 2: within about three and a half four weeks he was
Speaker 2: telling me he loved me, which is very fast in hindsight,
Speaker 2: but of course I was just smitten, so I said
Speaker 2: I loved him back. And it was intense. It was
Speaker 2: the most intense relationship. I cannot even describe it. There
Speaker 2: were probably seventy to eighty messages a day, usually from him.
Speaker 2: I would respond, obviously, but and they were via so
Speaker 2: many different medias, phones, emails. He'd be popping in to
Speaker 2: see me at work. And when you're in this new
Speaker 2: love and this new infatuation, you just think this is
Speaker 2: the best thing since sliced bread. Someone cares about me
Speaker 2: that much, someone's so interested in me, And we delved
Speaker 2: into the most intense relationship ever. Let's just say, hindsight's
Speaker 2: a beautiful thing. So we're going to fast forward a
Speaker 2: few years and then we'll come back. I found out
Speaker 2: he had a double life. So after two years we
Speaker 2: were getting married. He'd taken me to Tiffany's. He'd convinced
Speaker 2: me to get this Rhodesian ridgeback dog. We're buying his
Speaker 2: house in Melbourne.
Speaker 1: He really had set up a life for each other.
Speaker 1: He had set up a life. We had chosen our kids' names.
Speaker 1: It was really intense, but it also sounds like the
Speaker 1: beginning of your relationship. He just completely love bombed you.
Speaker 2: Which is what you said in episode one.
Speaker 1: Yeah, which is like a real way of just making
Speaker 1: someone feel completely adored, and that level of adoration is addictive. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I did.
Speaker 2: I felt like the most amazing person in the world,
Speaker 2: Like he would not look at another person. And all
Speaker 2: of this, I would like to say, was coming from him.
Speaker 2: All these plans were his, so he always made these
Speaker 2: huge romantic gestures as well. But to go with that,
Speaker 2: there were a lot of downsides, but I always let
Speaker 2: them slide. So there was a lot of really last
Speaker 2: minute canceling weekends away because we lived separately, and he
Speaker 2: did have a very high powered, high pressured position, and
Speaker 2: it was very easy for him to say within ten minutes,
Speaker 2: I can't make it. I'm at work, I've been called
Speaker 2: I have to go, And you sort of sit back
Speaker 2: and think, oh, okay, well, you know he's out there
Speaker 2: doing this amazing thing, so we'll let that go.
Speaker 1: But I had this.
Speaker 2: Constant like disappointment. I was always every week there was something.
Speaker 2: But I loved him so much, so I made an excuse.
Speaker 2: The job is how he got away with it for
Speaker 2: so long. He also he didn't have social media, which
Speaker 2: wasn't the end of the world, because this was quite
Speaker 2: a while ago, it was quite new to everybody. But
Speaker 2: he somehow always knew what I was doing and where
Speaker 2: I was and what I'd done the day before, if
Speaker 2: I hadn't even told him yet.
Speaker 1: So do you think maybe he did have social media
Speaker 1: and he just had a different profile or something, or
Speaker 1: had a way of keeping tabs on you. Yes, he did.
Speaker 2: Turns out he had been, for want of a better word,
Speaker 2: almost talking me, I guess, from day one, to the
Speaker 2: point that he would even make up fake emails, fake
Speaker 2: email accounts to email me to test me if I
Speaker 2: would maybe go on a date with him, not knowing
Speaker 2: who he was.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 2: So one day I put a picture up of me
Speaker 2: and swimwear with a bunch of my friends at the
Speaker 2: beach we'd been surfing, and he's not on social media.
Speaker 2: Almost within half an hour I got a message from
Speaker 2: him saying, have you been putting bikini photos up?
Speaker 1: Brittany? And I said, excuse me, Like, what are you
Speaker 1: talking to? Like? Low key controlling? You should be able
Speaker 1: to put whatever, yeah ever you won up of yourself
Speaker 1: on your social media page without having to think how
Speaker 1: that's going to be.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I said, I'm sorry, how do you even
Speaker 2: know that? I said, yeah, I put a photo up
Speaker 2: at the beach and he had. He told me, and
Speaker 2: he showed me the email he forwarded to me, an
Speaker 2: email that he got from someone anonymous saying the most
Speaker 2: horrible things about what they wanted to do to me
Speaker 2: from seeing this photo. So, yeah, so I was disgusted
Speaker 2: because I had seen this email that someone had written him.
Speaker 2: And he said, how do you think this makes me
Speaker 2: feel britt like knowing people are out there seeing this
Speaker 2: photo and they want to do these things too. So
Speaker 2: he made me delete my social media because of that,
Speaker 2: because he made me feel like there was these really
Speaker 2: disgusting men. And it turns out he just had these
Speaker 2: fake accounts and he used to just make people up
Speaker 2: write emails to himself so he could forward them to
Speaker 2: me to control me. It got to that point.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Wow.
Speaker 2: Fast forwarding two years and it comes out coincidentally that
Speaker 2: through this mutual friend that didn't know both of us existed,
Speaker 2: it came out that Luke was marrying someone else at
Speaker 2: the same time, So.
Speaker 1: He was literally living a double life. He was literally
Speaker 1: living a double life, and how was he doing this?
Speaker 1: So you were based in Melbourne.
Speaker 2: Now I was in Port McQuary, Okay, he was in
Speaker 2: Newcastle and his other partner was in Melbourne, so she
Speaker 2: had quite a high profile job too, and that's the
Speaker 2: only reason he could really pull it off.
Speaker 1: So the tyranny of distance made it easier for him
Speaker 1: to be able to sort of have a life set
Speaker 1: up in Port McCrory and have a secondary life set up,
Speaker 1: and he just kind of could float between the two
Speaker 1: of them because of his occupation.
Speaker 2: So every second weekend we would go to his place,
Speaker 2: this beautiful house on the beach, and he would change
Speaker 2: the whole house, pack it up, change it so it
Speaker 2: was suitable for me. My photo is, my clothes, my cosmetics,
Speaker 2: everything I left. And then I would leave and turns
Speaker 2: out he'd have to pack the whole house up and
Speaker 2: hide it and reset the house for how his other
Speaker 2: partner had it. And he did this every weekend for
Speaker 2: two years.
Speaker 1: But this is insane. This is actually an insane story. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And the fact that you were such an intelligent woman
Speaker 1: to think that you had the will pull it over
Speaker 1: your eyes really makes me think if this could happen
Speaker 1: to anyone, this isn't something that's isolated to you. Definitely,
Speaker 1: if somebody wants to purposely deceive you, and if somebody
Speaker 1: wants to lie, then I think this can honestly happen
Speaker 1: to anyone.
Speaker 2: Well, it turns out the way the way to successfully
Speaker 2: lie apparently is to try to keep as close to
Speaker 2: the truth as possible.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but he was setting up lives to.
Speaker 2: The point of, we had a Ohdesian ridge back, and
Speaker 2: he and her had a Oh Desian ridge back. And
Speaker 2: we were buying the same house, and they were buying
Speaker 2: the same house.
Speaker 1: We were Wow.
Speaker 2: We both wore the same perfumes. He made us, He
Speaker 2: bought us all the same present. He wrote us Christmas
Speaker 2: cards and letters that were word for word identical. I
Speaker 2: know this because I became friends with this woman. But
Speaker 2: they were to the point of, let's call her Emma.
Speaker 2: There were a point she was of sort of Asian descent,
Speaker 2: and I'm obviously blue eyed Caucasian.
Speaker 1: He would say, dear Brittany, I can't wait to have children.
Speaker 1: I hope they have your eyes. But then her letter
Speaker 1: would be like, dear Emma, I can't wait to have
Speaker 1: children with you. I hope they have your eyes. We've
Speaker 1: got different eyes. I mean completely but the same same sentiment.
Speaker 1: So wait, hold up, and rewind when you said you
Speaker 1: became friends with her, you can't just say that and
Speaker 1: throw that into the conversation because if this is me,
Speaker 1: she would be ten foot underground, which I know it's
Speaker 1: not her fault. How did you become friends with her? Okay?
Speaker 2: So he had told me he had this ex girlfriend. Yea,
Speaker 2: he said he'd been with her for a long time.
Speaker 1: They broke up.
Speaker 2: Then he met me, and I was the love of
Speaker 2: his life. It came out at dinner with this mutual
Speaker 2: friend that Emma was very much still around.
Speaker 1: So how did you know this mutual friend? And did
Speaker 1: you Okay?
Speaker 2: Right, they were new to work and they had worked
Speaker 2: with Luke previously, but they were so new that I
Speaker 2: hadn't gotten to the point of saying, hey, so this
Speaker 2: is my life. I'm dating Luke. So we just didn't
Speaker 2: even know each other existed, like we didn't know, and
Speaker 2: he accidentally just dropped it to another friend. He said, hey,
Speaker 2: have you been to Luke's when he's missus Cook's. She's
Speaker 2: so good And I knew that that was my Luke,
Speaker 2: and I thought, hang on, I've never met you, and
Speaker 2: I've never cooked for you, So I just played dumb
Speaker 2: for a second. It took me two seconds. My heart
Speaker 2: dropped and two years flashed before my eyes. Everything was
Speaker 2: adding up like it was just like it clicked over.
Speaker 2: Everything made sense for two years. I thought, oh my god.
Speaker 1: And so when you were sitting there at this dinner,
Speaker 1: did you say anything to the people that were there? Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I probably looked a bit of psycho for a second.
Speaker 1: I played it.
Speaker 2: Cool, and I thought, I'm just gonna you could not
Speaker 2: even compare to how psycho I would have looked. So
Speaker 2: I just played a call for a second because I
Speaker 2: knew as soon as I told them they were not
Speaker 2: going to give me any more information. So I said, oh, Luke,
Speaker 2: you know that works at XX And he was like yeah,
Speaker 2: So I thought he was single and he said, oh no, no,
Speaker 2: he's been with this missus Emma for like six years.
Speaker 1: They're getting married. Did you just hear that?
Speaker 2: Then?
Speaker 1: That was my heartbreaking. I'm not sure i've heard it.
Speaker 1: That was mine. I actually can't even imagine.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So there was this table of people sitting there
Speaker 2: and I just I ended up losing it. I got
Speaker 2: I was like so erratic. I stood up, and I
Speaker 2: had my phone and I was like.
Speaker 1: I'm marrying Luke. I've been with Luke for two years, Like,
Speaker 1: who the hell is this girl?
Speaker 2: And I was frantically like swiping photos in front of
Speaker 2: their face, showing them all like just all photos of
Speaker 2: us on.
Speaker 1: Holiday to try and prove, like not even trying to
Speaker 1: show them how well, just justify the day.
Speaker 2: I wasn't a psycho, but of course I had a
Speaker 2: yeah that I had a life with this person and
Speaker 2: their face, this guy's face, I'll never forget it. He
Speaker 2: just looked at me with so much sympathy. Britt, I'm
Speaker 2: so sorry, I promise you.
Speaker 1: I did not know.
Speaker 2: I don't really know what to say to you, and
Speaker 2: I just said, you're gonna have to excuse me, throw
Speaker 2: my cutlery down, stormed out of this restaurant.
Speaker 1: And so when you found out and you said that
Speaker 1: everything flashed before your eyes, did you sort of have
Speaker 1: this hindsight that things weren't right and things didn't add up?
Speaker 2: Oh definitely. I felt so ridiculous and so angry at
Speaker 2: myself because there were so many signs. And my sister Sherry,
Speaker 2: who were so close, she would never straight out say
Speaker 2: I hate this person, don't date them. But she was
Speaker 2: constantly saying, brit this doesn't sound right. Why is he
Speaker 2: why is he canceling last minute? Or why did he
Speaker 2: have a piece of her clothing still? Because that would happen.
Speaker 2: I found something and I you know, I would quiz
Speaker 2: him and I would leave that conversation apologizing to him.
Speaker 2: That's how good he was. Whenever I approached him about anything,
Speaker 2: I would end up apologizing and begging and crying saying
Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, because he would. He's so manipulative, he'd
Speaker 2: be I had to flip it around and make it,
Speaker 2: make it your problem, like gaslight. You too felt like, oh,
Speaker 2: I can't ask these questions. And he had an answer
Speaker 2: to everything, Like he had this huge house. Oh she
Speaker 2: must have left it here a year ago when we
Speaker 2: broke up, or always somewhere. I thought it was yours
Speaker 2: and so I didn't throw it away all ways. He
Speaker 2: was so secretive of his phone. That's another thing, Like
Speaker 2: would not let anyone look at his phone. The manipulation
Speaker 2: in this relationship was next level, and it was on
Speaker 2: so many levels. The abuse was on so many levels.
Speaker 2: But I remember seeing one day he was showing me
Speaker 2: a photo of his work, and as he was swiping,
Speaker 2: I saw a video of me and I had never
Speaker 2: seen it before, and I could see that I was nude,
Speaker 2: and I said, hang.
Speaker 1: On, what was that.
Speaker 2: I was like, oh, nothing, nothing, nothing swipe by and
Speaker 2: I said, no, that was I know that was me,
Speaker 2: and he had filmed us sleeping together.
Speaker 1: Without your concer.
Speaker 2: I had no idea. Wow, and I like, I don't know,
Speaker 2: this is not.
Speaker 1: Cool, actually not angry.
Speaker 2: I was just really taken aback. And I said, I
Speaker 2: don't know when was this And he said, babe, baby,
Speaker 2: know that you know you'd had a few dreams. We'd
Speaker 2: spoken about it, and he ended up convincing me at
Speaker 2: the end that I had somehow agreed to that.
Speaker 1: And I guess the thing is, when you love someone
Speaker 1: and they're lying to you, you want to believe them,
Speaker 1: because it's not in our innate nature to think that
Speaker 1: someone's lying, especially if you're not a lie yourself. Then
Speaker 1: you know, you take what's said to you for face value.
Speaker 1: And yes, there may be this underlying niggling, like insecurity
Speaker 1: or something that doesn't quite add up, but if that
Speaker 1: person is manipulative enough, they can make you feel like
Speaker 1: you're the one who's being crazy, and you're the one
Speaker 1: who's sabotaging your relationship, and you're the one who's making
Speaker 1: issues out of nothing. But the reality is, when it's
Speaker 1: a good relationship and there isn't any lying going on,
Speaker 1: you don't feel crazy. You just don't because there's a
Speaker 1: calmness to the relationship. Whereas I feel like, listening to
Speaker 1: what is going on in your life with this relationship,
Speaker 1: it sounds really frantic. It was. There was no calmness ever,
Speaker 1: and high energy all the time.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just was constantly in the wrong and constantly apologizing.
Speaker 2: So there were a few things like that that happened.
Speaker 2: But so we fast forward. I've just found out and
Speaker 2: I had remembered him telling me because because this friend
Speaker 2: had said they'd been together six years, this other couple,
Speaker 2: I'd remembered him telling me about his ex girlfriend, So
Speaker 2: it was she was so easy to track down. So
Speaker 2: I just, first of all, I called him. He didn't answer.
Speaker 2: He's never not answered me in his life because he
Speaker 2: was a sporterline obsessed with me. And I just knew
Speaker 2: that the other guy had like gone, mate, giving you
Speaker 2: a heads up, britt Nos.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I he was the intro. I call him, holy yeah, wow.
Speaker 1: Of course he didn't have to answer his.
Speaker 2: Phone, and he didn't answer, and so I messaged him
Speaker 2: and said, call me immediately, or I'm going to tell
Speaker 2: find this other woman and tell her. And he called
Speaker 2: me back straight away. And then as the phone was
Speaker 2: ringing and I was looking at it, I thought, do
Speaker 2: you know what stuff you? Why am I even giving
Speaker 2: you that option? I'm just gonna tell her anyway.
Speaker 1: But I didn't pick up for him. Do you think
Speaker 1: you you thought that initially because you still love him.
Speaker 1: You know, love doesn't just stop immediately, and even through betrayal,
Speaker 1: usually the first reaction we have is anger, but that
Speaker 1: is that anger doesn't necessarily mean that you have just
Speaker 1: wiped the love slate clean, like you still feel love.
Speaker 2: I it was the most stupid woman, but I loved
Speaker 2: him so much. Even when I had heard that, I
Speaker 2: was still making excuses in my head. As I was
Speaker 2: walking down the street trying to find these girl's details,
Speaker 2: I was still making excuses that this has.
Speaker 1: To be wrong. Of course, you're not stupid. Your whole
Speaker 1: identity from two years has just been taken away from you.
Speaker 1: You cannot expect yourself to understand or to process that
Speaker 1: in a matter of seconds. That takes months, if not years,
Speaker 1: to heal from. I think that to be able to
Speaker 1: kill from that, if you ever could heal from that,
Speaker 1: Because the level of dishonesty runs so deep, how do
Speaker 1: you trust someone again? It did form a.
Speaker 2: Lot of trust issues for a long while. It turns
Speaker 2: out that so I called her and we spoke for
Speaker 2: seven hours, and she was amazing. She was incredible, she said.
Speaker 2: As soon as I told her as well, the last
Speaker 2: two years of things fell into place for her. As
Speaker 2: we're on the phone to each other, we're sending each
Speaker 2: other emails about proof. She's like, I believe you, but
Speaker 2: can you just forward me this just so I can
Speaker 2: throw it in his face. I was sending her emails.
Speaker 2: I was like, okay, this is the house we're buying.
Speaker 2: He just emailed it to me. She wouldn't get it.
Speaker 2: She'ld email me I wouldn't get it. And then in
Speaker 2: front of our eyes all our emails being deleted. So
Speaker 2: he was on he already had just worked it out,
Speaker 2: was trying to save his butt. He was at his house.
Speaker 1: He was in your email emails.
Speaker 2: So I didn't even know he knew my password. This
Speaker 2: is how he had been following me and monitoring me
Speaker 2: for so many years. He knew my passwords. He was
Speaker 2: doing it to her too, so we were like, oh
Speaker 2: my gosh, quickly log out, READO our password. We went
Speaker 2: back in and turns out we were in each other's
Speaker 2: blocked senders. So I didn't know who she was, but
Speaker 2: in my email Emma was blocked and Brittany was blocked
Speaker 2: in hers. He had just thought of everything in case
Speaker 2: we had ever stumbled across each other and thought to
Speaker 2: try and contact each other and never would.
Speaker 1: Have made it. The level of deceit just runs so
Speaker 1: deeply with this.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he had covered himself on all levels.
Speaker 1: I think that's probably a testament to how intelligent he was.
Speaker 1: I mean, you can use your powers for good or
Speaker 1: for evil, can't you? And this guy really used his
Speaker 1: powers for evil. It's just so selfish.
Speaker 2: We'd be on a holiday, we'll be overseas, and he
Speaker 2: would force me to leave one day, he said, you
Speaker 2: have to go home. I've got so much work to do.
Speaker 2: You have to go tomorrow.
Speaker 1: It has to be.
Speaker 2: He wouldn't let me stay. And it turns out because
Speaker 2: she would be flying in within an hour.
Speaker 1: Of me leaving.
Speaker 2: She would go and they would do their thing, and
Speaker 2: really horrible for her because she had been with him
Speaker 2: for six years. But she was amazing to me. We
Speaker 2: had this amazing friendship. But I ended up having I
Speaker 2: changed my password over the next six months quite a lot,
Speaker 2: and he was constantly I had this, I had something
Speaker 2: on my computer that told me where someone was logging in,
Speaker 2: and he was constantly finding my password again and I
Speaker 2: didn't understand it. I ended up having to get somebody
Speaker 2: that was in military security to look on my computer
Speaker 2: and everything that I typed. I don't know what the
Speaker 2: technical term is, but like a key logger, yeah, it
Speaker 2: would go to him, so it doesn't matter how many
Speaker 2: times I changed the password.
Speaker 1: So this is actually a thing you can install. It's
Speaker 1: like a spywear and it key logs all your passwords,
Speaker 1: which I mean your computer does that anyway, but if
Speaker 1: somebody is looking at your computer externally, they can get
Speaker 1: your passwords to your banking or your email, or to
Speaker 1: any of your private data.
Speaker 2: It's absolutely I felt so violated.
Speaker 1: And to think that he had to go to that
Speaker 1: level prior to the fact that you you knew. So
Speaker 1: you didn't know. For so long you thought that this
Speaker 1: was a normal relationship, and yet he had already done
Speaker 1: all these different things to try and control you from
Speaker 1: the very get go. Yeah, I had no chance from
Speaker 1: day one. No, you were hooked. You were just hooked. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And I think that that's also a testament to being
Speaker 1: in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic or who
Speaker 1: has psychopathic tendencies. It is so incredibly hard to leave
Speaker 1: because they make it incredibly hard to leave. Well.
Speaker 2: So one of the main characteristics of someone of a
Speaker 2: sociopath is their lack of empathy.
Speaker 1: And I think this is really.
Speaker 2: Important for people to know. If they feel like somebody
Speaker 2: just doesn't have any emotion, any connection to reality, it's
Speaker 2: a sign. So I knew that something was big, like
Speaker 2: hugely wrong when I finally spoke to him for the
Speaker 2: first time. The first thing he said to me, I
Speaker 2: picked up the phone and he said, I hope you're happy, brute,
Speaker 2: And I was so taken, aback, I said, sorry, you
Speaker 2: hope I'm happy.
Speaker 1: Like no, I'm devastated. My entire life has just fallen apart. Well,
Speaker 1: he's taking everything from me that I loved he.
Speaker 2: Said, well, you could have just kept this to yourself.
Speaker 2: You didn't have to tell her, so that now I
Speaker 2: don't have either of you.
Speaker 1: That was his I just was so gobsmacked. It's almost
Speaker 1: sounds ridiculous, rapemis like, but this is the level of
Speaker 1: selfishness that this person had to display.
Speaker 2: He said, you obviously set out to ruin my life
Speaker 2: and you've done that, so congratulations.
Speaker 1: To make you feel so do you know that in
Speaker 1: itself was one last dig at making you feel bad
Speaker 1: and like you're the reason why this ended, Like this
Speaker 1: was your fault. It was unbelievable and taking absolutely no
Speaker 1: responsibility for the way he acted and behaved throughout this
Speaker 1: whole relationship.
Speaker 2: And from this I developed insomnia and anxiety because he
Speaker 2: was so mad and there had been like violent outbursts
Speaker 2: in the relationship too. He knew I lived and worked,
Speaker 2: and he, honestly, from the depth of his heart, thought
Speaker 2: he believes that I ruined his life. So I started
Speaker 2: not sleeping because I thought, what if this person comes,
Speaker 2: What if he really really wants revenge because he thinks
Speaker 2: I've ruined his life. I didn't tell my family straight
Speaker 2: away for probably a few weeks. Why was that well,
Speaker 2: I was so embarrassed. And I know that sounds like
Speaker 2: a strange comment or a strange emotion to have, but
Speaker 2: I felt like, what a loser, what an idiot? How
Speaker 2: could you have dated somebody like this? How could you
Speaker 2: have going to marry someone like this?
Speaker 1: Like? How could they have pulled the wool over your
Speaker 1: eyes so long? I thought?
Speaker 2: And I was just for some reason, I just felt
Speaker 2: like it was all my fault and my problem, and
Speaker 2: it's because he had trained me for years to feel
Speaker 2: like that. I finally had to tell my parents, and
Speaker 2: once I started and my sister, once I started telling them,
Speaker 2: it all just fell out and they made me realize
Speaker 2: that this has nothing to do with me.
Speaker 1: This other person has come in with real intentions to
Speaker 1: control your behavior, and your behavior was controlled. And the
Speaker 1: way that you the things that you did in your
Speaker 1: relationship with the outcome of what somebody else wanted, the
Speaker 1: manipula that somebody else wanted out of you, that could
Speaker 1: happen to anyone.
Speaker 2: Yeah, even the things I would wear, he used to
Speaker 2: manipulate that. But in a way that's not like you're
Speaker 2: not wearing that. It was just in a way that
Speaker 2: made me feel insecure about what I had on, and
Speaker 2: I'd end up putting on what he wanted just to
Speaker 2: like jump back to what you were saying just before,
Speaker 2: and not in any way to compare your relationships to
Speaker 2: relationships that I've been through. But in my experience, I
Speaker 2: know that when I have had to lie to my
Speaker 2: family and friends, or like I've had to change the
Speaker 2: story a little bit to make my ex boyfriend seem
Speaker 2: like not such an asshole, that's when I knew that
Speaker 2: this was really profoundly wrong, Like something was really really
Speaker 2: a problem. If I was having to constantly try and
Speaker 2: make excuses for their bad behavior. Did you find that
Speaker 2: you were, at a time making these excuses as to
Speaker 2: why he was behaving a certain way, or keeping it
Speaker 2: from your close friends and your family because you didn't
Speaker 2: want them to judge him. Was that something that you
Speaker 2: found that you were doing one hundred percent. There'd be
Speaker 2: weekends that he would that I would plan and he
Speaker 2: would cancel last minute, and it turns out it was
Speaker 2: for reasons like Emma, his other partner had flown in
Speaker 2: to surprise him, so he would have to cancel a
Speaker 2: minutes notice. And then I was so embarrassed by that
Speaker 2: that I would tell my friends I had to cancel
Speaker 2: it because I got called into work and I couldn't.
Speaker 2: I just couldn't get there. And really, you just did
Speaker 2: because it was me constantly being knocked back, knocked down,
Speaker 2: trodden on, walked oever, And it's a it's a funny
Speaker 2: point that you just said about when you feel like
Speaker 2: you start to make excuses because you don't want people
Speaker 2: to know how horrible they are. My best friend said
Speaker 2: the same thing the other day when I was talking
Speaker 2: to her about this. She said, my boyfriend was such
Speaker 2: a drop kick, but she she would make excuses for
Speaker 2: him and lie to people about him, about how great
Speaker 2: he was or how he got a promotion or whatever
Speaker 2: to make him sound better, because she said, I was
Speaker 2: just embarrassed that he was a drop kick, but I
Speaker 2: didn't ever want to end it.
Speaker 1: And she loved him, and she loved him. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: she loved him. But there are there are some loves
Speaker 1: that it's an addiction. It's not necessarily being in love
Speaker 1: with the person, but it's being in love with the
Speaker 1: feeling of being in love, and that in itself can
Speaker 1: be incredibly addictive. And I know from my past experience
Speaker 1: with dating someone who I definitely I mean, like I
Speaker 1: said earlier, I'm not a counselor, I'm not a psychiatrist,
Speaker 1: but he displayed a lot of characteristics that would put
Speaker 1: him in the narcissistic category. I wanted to be with
Speaker 1: him so much because I loved being in love with him,
Speaker 1: and the relationship we had was so intense and so
Speaker 1: heightened that I was addicted to it. But now that
Speaker 1: I'm in a healthy relationship, it's made me realize that
Speaker 1: healthy relationships don't have those huge peaks and those huge lows.
Speaker 1: They run at a more constant They're calmer, and you
Speaker 1: don't wake up every day thinking is today going to
Speaker 1: be a good day or is today going to be
Speaker 1: a bad day. You just know that every day is
Speaker 1: going to be good because there is that constant reliability
Speaker 1: to it.
Speaker 2: Well, that's a good point, because I was constantly walking
Speaker 2: on eggshells. It's funny you say that every day I
Speaker 2: was like, what's he going to be like today?
Speaker 1: So you have been single now for seven years and
Speaker 1: a big part of that was the healing process after
Speaker 1: dating someone who is so manipulative. How do you think
Speaker 1: that that has changed your want to get into your
Speaker 1: relationship or the way that you date now, or your
Speaker 1: perception of men in general.
Speaker 2: Okay, so that's a good question. I think my look
Speaker 2: at dating has completely changed. So I'm not single now
Speaker 2: seven years later because of that. I don't want people
Speaker 2: to think that I really recovered well from that. Bought
Speaker 2: a one way ticket to Brazil and I was gone
Speaker 2: for three years. So that was a pretty good healing process.
Speaker 1: And I think that you're a testament to just how
Speaker 1: well someone can get over a traumatic relationship because you
Speaker 1: are so fiercely independent. You're such a strong woman. You
Speaker 1: have done so many amazing things in your own personal life.
Speaker 1: You've traveled by yourself, you've bought your you've bought your
Speaker 1: own property. Like, you have done things in your life
Speaker 1: that you've achieved it on your own. Yeah, and you
Speaker 1: haven't waited for someone to come around and said, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm going to do that alongside you. You're like, no,
Speaker 1: I want to do this. I'm going to do this
Speaker 1: shit on my own. I don't even know, man, damn straight, No,
Speaker 1: it's so true. I think everything happens for a reason.
Speaker 2: I always say that, but this horrific situation really shaped
Speaker 2: me and it.
Speaker 1: Sounds so cliche.
Speaker 2: A bad situation, goes overseas to find yourself, comes back
Speaker 2: in new person.
Speaker 1: To apport cliche. No, there's a reason why people do it.
Speaker 1: People go overseas because they want to escape their identity
Speaker 1: that they have here. They you know, I think there's
Speaker 1: an amazing part of traveling after something that's been traumatic
Speaker 1: because it means that there's no hang ups. Nobody has
Speaker 1: a conceived perceptionist to who you are. You get to
Speaker 1: go away. I'm sure maybe some people might call it
Speaker 1: running away, but you get to go away and you
Speaker 1: get to be a new version of yourself in a
Speaker 1: fresh environment and give yourself some space to grow and heal. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So well.
Speaker 2: A pivotal moment for me was I was walking down
Speaker 2: the street one day and I looked in a window.
Speaker 2: I was walking a route overseas that I had never walked.
Speaker 2: I looked in a window and I saw this monk
Speaker 2: this his coat.
Speaker 1: I was like, what's that.
Speaker 2: I looked in and he looked at me, and we
Speaker 2: waved at each other. And that was the start of
Speaker 2: a month that he and I spent together.
Speaker 1: With a monk. Yeah, with a monk. Where were you?
Speaker 1: I believe it or not. London, you spent a month
Speaker 1: with a monk in London, not what.
Speaker 2: You think, right, not to bet It wasn't like in
Speaker 2: the Amazon jungle.
Speaker 1: It was just six months in the Amazon jungle. Well
Speaker 1: you know it might be.
Speaker 2: I spent a month with him, not a month full time,
Speaker 2: just like every day I would see him. Yeah, And
Speaker 2: the main thing that I took away from him, And
Speaker 2: this is how I approach life, and this is how
Speaker 2: I would love everybody to approach life, is that your
Speaker 2: whole life depends on your reaction to any given situation.
Speaker 2: So something bad is going to happen to every single
Speaker 2: one of us in our life. A death, a traumatic breakup,
Speaker 2: whatever it is.
Speaker 1: And things that are completely out of our control.
Speaker 2: Out of your control. So the situation's going to happen.
Speaker 2: You can either go to your room and be depressed
Speaker 2: and anxious for the next six weeks, or you can
Speaker 2: still deal with it and mourn, but you can get
Speaker 2: on with your life and take something positive from it.
Speaker 2: Either way, the situation happened, and that's not going to change.
Speaker 2: All that's changed is how you're dealing with it.
Speaker 1: And I do think as well that you can exacerbate
Speaker 1: your own hurt by trying to control somebody else's reaction
Speaker 1: to a situation.
Speaker 2: In the end, to answer your question, I was single
Speaker 2: just because I knew I didn't want to waste any
Speaker 2: more time. All of a sudden, I knew who I was,
Speaker 2: and I knew what I wanted, I knew my expectations,
Speaker 2: and I knew what I deserved, and I just didn't
Speaker 2: want to waste my time again with someone that didn't
Speaker 2: fit that criteria.
Speaker 1: And I know that it kind of sounds bad to
Speaker 1: have a criteria in dating, but you kind of do
Speaker 1: need that you do. I'm actually an advocate for having
Speaker 1: some sort of checklist, and it's not about the way
Speaker 1: the person looks, and it's not the way what the
Speaker 1: person earns or the job they have or any of
Speaker 1: that sort of stuff. It's about the type of person
Speaker 1: that they are and what they want for their goals
Speaker 1: in the future, so that you know from daytart that
Speaker 1: your relationship marries up and that you're heading in the
Speaker 1: same direction. A lot of people don't want to ask
Speaker 1: those questions because they don't want to know. They don't
Speaker 1: want to be let down at the beginning.
Speaker 2: If it's not what what their goals were.
Speaker 1: Because if someone says, actually, do you know what, I
Speaker 1: don't want these things that are on your checklist, well,
Speaker 1: then what are you going to do? Are you going
Speaker 1: to walk away from that person and say and say, Okay,
Speaker 1: unfortunately I really like them, but you know what, they're
Speaker 1: not in the same trajectory as me. Or are you
Speaker 1: going to waste three years and try and change that
Speaker 1: person to be on the same trajectory as you, well.
Speaker 2: Exactly, and then you've wasted threes of your time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And so I really, I mean, I'm I believe
Speaker 1: in checklists and relationships and people might disagree with me,
Speaker 1: and that's fine, but I do think it's important to
Speaker 1: sit down and write down what you want and what
Speaker 1: you've learnt from your past relationships in order to make
Speaker 1: better decisions in your next relationship. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't write a checklist as such, but
Speaker 2: I don't even write a grocery list. Yea, I have
Speaker 2: a general list in my head of like you know,
Speaker 2: but I'm pretty open to meeting loads of people now,
Speaker 2: like all different walks.
Speaker 1: Of life totally. And look, I'm not saying this because
Speaker 1: I think that there needs to be the same. It's
Speaker 1: just one type of person. I think that it could
Speaker 1: be many different types of people, but they have similar characteristics.
Speaker 1: So that way you're heading in the same direction. Do
Speaker 1: you know what else is really crazy? Tell me, I
Speaker 1: just realized. I just remember now he took us both
Speaker 1: to the same Tiffany's, as in, you and the other woman.
Speaker 1: You both went to the same not even just Tiffany's,
Speaker 1: in general the same one. What if he got the
Speaker 1: same sales rep. I don't know. And do you think
Speaker 1: he liked flirting with the danger of it a little bit?
Speaker 1: Do you think that there was maybe he got off
Speaker 1: on this idea that that use it was, Yeah, like
Speaker 1: he was like a chess player in this whole game. Yeah.
Speaker 2: And I eventually it turns out he was with thirteen
Speaker 2: other women as well in that time.
Speaker 1: What but you know, he's flown my mind. But he
Speaker 1: said to me, God.
Speaker 2: He said, the one time, I said, you know what,
Speaker 2: just be honest, I'm never gonna speak to you again.
Speaker 1: Just tell me.
Speaker 2: And he said, Okay, there were thirteen other women, but
Speaker 2: you were the only other girlfriend.
Speaker 1: You're the one I loved. As if that made me
Speaker 1: feel better, he said, he but you know what, maybe
Speaker 1: he said that as well, and look, may it may
Speaker 1: be the truth, but maybe he said that as a
Speaker 1: way of just hurting you more. He told me, and
Speaker 1: I believed it.
Speaker 2: He had a tear in his eye because this is
Speaker 2: the one time I ever spoke to him and saw him,
Speaker 2: and only because I ran into him on the street
Speaker 2: one day. He had a tear in his eye and
Speaker 2: he said, believe it or not, I did love you.
Speaker 2: And I know everyone in Australia who's going to hate
Speaker 2: me right now, I believe that because I believe in
Speaker 2: this super messed up sociopathic way, that's love to them.
Speaker 2: Because I know he cared about me. He wouldn't have
Speaker 2: dated me for two years. I'm not saying it's normal.
Speaker 2: I'm just saying in his messed up world, there was
Speaker 2: his version of some sort of love.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think that that's important to say that. I
Speaker 1: think what youth and I think love is someone who
Speaker 1: can do that to you doesn't have the capacity to
Speaker 1: love in the way that we love.
Speaker 2: Statistics say that we all everyone now has met a
Speaker 2: sociopath in their life.
Speaker 1: They just don't know it.
Speaker 2: They're just normal people on the street that you run
Speaker 2: into every day.
Speaker 1: And sometimes sometimes they're the most charismatic, amazing, enchanting people,
Speaker 1: and then it's only the people who are very very
Speaker 1: close to them that can see that there's a layer
Speaker 1: or facade there that doesn't quite fit.
Speaker 2: Look, I'm sure this is going to hit home to
Speaker 2: a lot of people to an extent, cheating the.
Speaker 1: Double life the line.
Speaker 2: I just want people to know that the embarrassment you feel,
Speaker 2: because I know there'll be women out there listening saying
Speaker 2: that's me, I feel that it's got nothing to do
Speaker 2: with you. I don't want anybody to feel that embarrassment
Speaker 2: or feel like they are the victim, because you're not.
Speaker 2: And you can take this into your hands and you
Speaker 2: can control your outcome. It's just hard to walk away sometimes,
Speaker 2: but very.
Speaker 1: Hard to walk away.
Speaker 2: My advice too, is if you've got a really close
Speaker 2: friends or family that are telling you things that you
Speaker 2: disagree with, like about your partner, maybe just try and
Speaker 2: open up and listen to them for a little bit
Speaker 2: because it's coming from somewhere.
Speaker 1: Well, it's coming from people who love you. It's coming
Speaker 1: from people who genuinely have no ulterior motive other than
Speaker 1: they want the best for you. So if your friends
Speaker 1: are telling you that the guy you're dating is a dick,
Speaker 1: the guy you're dating could be a dick. It's true, though, Boyler,
Speaker 1: he's a dick, he could be Yeah, and love is blind.
Speaker 1: That statement is so true. I also think it's important
Speaker 1: to touch on the fact that when you've been cheated on,
Speaker 1: or when you've been lied to, or you've been manipulated
Speaker 1: in a relationship, it's very easy to start to get
Speaker 1: into the mentality of what can I do to make
Speaker 1: myself better so that this person won't cheat on me
Speaker 1: again or they won't leave me? Because I know that
Speaker 1: in my past relationship where I was cheated on, my
Speaker 1: first reaction wasn't to think this was their fault. This
Speaker 1: is entirely their issue, and I didn't do this to
Speaker 1: the relationship. My first reaction was, and I'm actually almost
Speaker 1: embarrassed to say this now, was I'm not skinny enough,
Speaker 1: I'm not pretty enough, I'm not intelligent or interesting enough,
Speaker 1: I'm not funny enough, and I wanted to change myself
Speaker 1: to make myself better for them. Where Now I look
Speaker 1: back on that and I just wish I could talk
Speaker 1: to that broken girl and say, holy shit, get rid
Speaker 1: of that person who makes you feel sificant and so
Speaker 1: unworthy of being loved in the way that you deserve
Speaker 1: to be loved, because it was years of life where
Speaker 1: I made excuses for someone who made me unhappy.
Speaker 2: And that's half the battle with everybody. I don't think
Speaker 2: there are many women out there that could put their
Speaker 2: hand up and say one hundred and ten percent, I
Speaker 2: am happy with how I am, and I think that's
Speaker 2: I hope.
Speaker 1: That there's more women than I really think too, and I.
Speaker 2: Think we're moving in that direction. But I think with
Speaker 2: so much outside pressure from social media, from men that
Speaker 2: are just saying, oh, well, you could load a few kilos,
Speaker 2: or I read something the other day about a girl
Speaker 2: saying her boyfriend bought her a gym membership and just
Speaker 2: left it on the kitchen table.
Speaker 1: I didn't say anything like the most passive, so un subtle, Oh,
Speaker 1: I you know, quite, Look, maybe let's let's play the
Speaker 1: devil's advocate here. Maybe the gym is important to him
Speaker 1: for his mental health, and that is he was like,
Speaker 1: you know what, you'll feel happy go to the gym.
Speaker 1: I would probably kill Matt if he tried to subtly
Speaker 1: and not so subtly tell me that I needed to
Speaker 1: go to the gym because he wasn't as attracted to me. Well,
Speaker 1: I think the point of it kills me. Yeah, Britt,
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that you shared this story because I
Speaker 1: know that this is not something that you have spoken
Speaker 1: about publicly. It is a huge and life defining story,
Speaker 1: and I do think that there are people who will
Speaker 1: listen to aspects of this and say, you know, I've
Speaker 1: experienced that, or or I know what it's like to
Speaker 1: be controlled or manipulated in a relationship. And like I've
Speaker 1: already said, the fact that this happened to you and
Speaker 1: someone who I think is is so independent, it genuinely
Speaker 1: blows my mind because it truly can happen to anyone.
Speaker 2: If you have that feeling that just something isn't right,
Speaker 2: it probably isn't. You've got instinct in every situation in
Speaker 2: life really needs to be trusted and listened to.
Speaker 1: So we did have a section that we wanted to
Speaker 1: start including in this podcast because we have been receiving
Speaker 1: so many messages and questions and I love that this
Speaker 1: has become really interactive. But we are introducing a section
Speaker 1: club Ask Uncut that was not hurt. We didn't even
Speaker 1: plan that, though we nailed it. So ask Uncut. So
Speaker 1: you guys please like message us on our Instagram which
Speaker 1: is at Life Uncut Podcast. You can ask us your
Speaker 1: questions and we will pick one out each week to
Speaker 1: be able to answer it for you and give you
Speaker 1: our unqualified spin on what we think of that question.
Speaker 2: Very unqualified. Can we make a note?
Speaker 1: Yes? Please so because of the conversation we've just had
Speaker 1: and how we've ended that conversation, the question that we
Speaker 1: were asked today was my partner cheated on me? Now
Speaker 1: I don't trust him? Do you forgive? And how do
Speaker 1: you move past that? Brittany, what do you think of this?
Speaker 1: This is a tough one. Do you think it's possible
Speaker 1: to move on from a situation where someone has cheated?
Speaker 2: Yes, to be honest, I do. I think it's very
Speaker 2: dependent on the situation. But if they've come forward and
Speaker 2: they're really honest and it was an honest I can't
Speaker 2: say honest mistake. But I definitely think there are times
Speaker 2: that you can speak as a couple. And I have
Speaker 2: read studies from psychologists that say couples that there has
Speaker 2: been infidelity have actually come out stronger because they've gone
Speaker 2: and worked through it, They've worked out why it happened,
Speaker 2: and they've been better than ever. I think if you
Speaker 2: can move on happily and accept it, that's great. But
Speaker 2: if you have said you've accepted it, but then you're
Speaker 2: going home and saying I don't trust him, how do
Speaker 2: I internally move on? Then you're not going to if
Speaker 2: you can't trust his everything.
Speaker 1: I do agree. I think that yes, it is possible
Speaker 1: to move on from cheating in a relationship. However, I
Speaker 1: think that it fundamentally changes the relationship and it takes
Speaker 1: a long time to heal from that, and so I
Speaker 1: think that both parties need to be realistic that it
Speaker 1: might take a year or two years to really heal
Speaker 1: from some sort of infidelity, and it does depend on
Speaker 1: what sort of infidelity that was. Like, we don't live
Speaker 1: in a vacuum. There's no yes and no answer to
Speaker 1: these questions. But I think that as we move more
Speaker 1: into a society where there's diminishing stigma around couple's counseling,
Speaker 1: there is more conversation around acceptance and putting out on
Speaker 1: the table what you need in a relationship and what
Speaker 1: you want, and maybe getting to the root cause of
Speaker 1: why why did this person cheat in the first place?
Speaker 1: Was it an absolute moment of just stupid there was
Speaker 1: too me drinks, a stupid decision. Was it something more
Speaker 1: systematic and endemic in the relationship? So I think it
Speaker 1: really does come down to the cause and why was
Speaker 1: it an actual affair? In which case there's so many
Speaker 1: more layers of lying? Yeah, how long? Totally? And also
Speaker 1: are there dependables? Do you have children? Are you married,
Speaker 1: do you own a house together? I think that when
Speaker 1: you start bringing in more of the bigger life commitments,
Speaker 1: then there's more reasons for people to work it out.
Speaker 1: But if you've been with your boyfriend for six months
Speaker 1: and he's done this, it makes it so much more
Speaker 1: difficult to try and work through that because, honestly, who
Speaker 1: can deal with the drama?
Speaker 2: I think for me, the underlying thing here is the
Speaker 2: trust part where she says I just don't trust him.
Speaker 2: She wants to stay in him, but she doesn't trust him.
Speaker 1: Well, the betrayal is the most damaging part of that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if you can't trust them and you're gonna be
Speaker 2: wondering where they are every night, you need to leave.
Speaker 1: Just call it. What do you think of the idea,
Speaker 1: if somebody has cheated in a relationship, then their phone
Speaker 1: and their email and everything else needs to be an
Speaker 1: open book, as in like kind of like random drug testing.
Speaker 1: So are you if you have trug? Yeah, but I
Speaker 1: think of it like that. It's like a random drug test.
Speaker 1: Like you've cheated on me, I've forgiven you, but right
Speaker 1: now I feel insecure. So give me your goddamn phone
Speaker 1: because I want to check what the fuck you're just
Speaker 1: doing again, two sides to it.
Speaker 2: I think that a relationship should be open enough anyway
Speaker 2: that if you're like, babe, I'm just going to jump
Speaker 2: on and check that email. I think you should have
Speaker 2: access to each other. But I think if you're at
Speaker 2: the point where you feel like they go out of
Speaker 2: the room and you need to troll through their stuff,
Speaker 2: it's not right. You're not sitting in a comfortable, trustworthy relationship.
Speaker 1: But I do think that if you've made the decision
Speaker 1: to move forward from cheating, then there is give and take,
Speaker 1: because I don't think that the crime of wanting to
Speaker 1: look at someone's phone because they've betrayed you matches the
Speaker 1: crime of cheating. No, you to have access, Yeah, So
Speaker 1: if that person has asked for your forgiveness, then they
Speaker 1: need to understand that they're well I think this. This
Speaker 1: might not be true, but I think that if they've
Speaker 1: betrayed your trust and they've asked for forgiveness, then they
Speaker 1: need to come to the table a little bit with
Speaker 1: being open and also allowing you to act a little
Speaker 1: bit freaking crazy at times whilst you're healing.
Speaker 2: Well, it's bound to happen, isn't it. Okay, we're all
Speaker 2: good now.
Speaker 1: It's so unfair for them to say you forgave me.
Speaker 1: You said you weren't to bring this up. You can't
Speaker 1: go through my phone. There has to be some give
Speaker 1: and take. And I'm not saying that it gives you
Speaker 1: the liberty to do it for forever, but I think
Speaker 1: whilst you're getting over that initial trust hump, there needs
Speaker 1: to be some give and take in that. Okay, Brittany,
Speaker 1: I feel like we've covered some pretty heavy topics today.
Speaker 2: Thanks for bearing with us, guys, but we really needed
Speaker 2: to get that out into the atmosphere.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, and I also think that you know, like,
Speaker 1: love can be amazing and love can be really shitty,
Speaker 1: and so it's okay to talk about the things that
Speaker 1: are really difficult. So if you're in the midst of
Speaker 1: a shitty, shitty relationship or you're trying to find your
Speaker 1: way out of something that's quite toxic, I hope that
Speaker 1: there's been little parts of this today that you've been
Speaker 1: able to take away and go, yeah, I've got this.
Speaker 2: Yeah. As long as one person takes something from this
Speaker 2: and learn something, we're happy.
Speaker 1: Britt Baby, give me your suck, and you're sweet, suck
Speaker 1: and sweet so suck.
Speaker 2: First suck is probably the fact that I got home
Speaker 2: to bed at about one am and it's I am,
Speaker 2: and we got up to record this podcast.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, so I am so sorry. So we
Speaker 1: were supposed to record this podcast at like a normal
Speaker 1: reasonable hour of the day, but because we're both ridiculous humans,
Speaker 1: oh which there's so much going on in life, and
Speaker 1: I have a baby, and so I had to be
Speaker 1: here when Matt wasn't working, so we had to get
Speaker 1: this recorded and finished before eight am.
Speaker 2: She's like, babe, has five thirty and I'm like, mate, great,
Speaker 2: let's do it. Look it in So Britz Suck is
Speaker 2: me basically as Watchuck Inadvernally is Laura.
Speaker 1: But let's end on a suite and I hope that
Speaker 1: that's also may My suite.
Speaker 2: Is obviously you every day getting the croissot and coffee
Speaker 2: with you? Is this week my friend? No, the sweets probably.
Speaker 2: I did my talk with Beautiful Minds for mental health
Speaker 2: for the teenagers. I flew down to Melbourne.
Speaker 1: I saw that on your Instagram's, Babe, that's so wonderful.
Speaker 1: Explain a little bit about what that is.
Speaker 2: We just went down, me and a guy called Andrew,
Speaker 2: who is amazing. He speaks to the boys, teenage boys,
Speaker 2: and we just speak to them about being a really
Speaker 2: strong woman and independent, how to deal with online bullying,
Speaker 2: how to be a good person, mental health issues, everything
Speaker 2: in the mental health realm. And they were fourteen year
Speaker 2: olds that I spoke to, about sixty of them and
Speaker 2: it was so great. They all messaged me and said
Speaker 2: that they really took something away from that and thank
Speaker 2: you so much for coming. And I just felt like
Speaker 2: finally I was giving something back.
Speaker 1: And you go in and speak to them in schools.
Speaker 1: We go to their schools anywhere.
Speaker 2: Any school in Australia can call and organize it with
Speaker 2: Beautiful Minds. So it's government funded. It's a school curriculum,
Speaker 2: and it's a really really amazing thing they're doing.
Speaker 1: I love that you're doing this. I mean, you know,
Speaker 1: you have, you have an influential following, and to be
Speaker 1: able to go in and speak to young children and
Speaker 1: be like, yeah, you know, sure I work in this
Speaker 1: influencer world, but god, it's all made up and it's
Speaker 1: all shit and smoke and mirrors. This is me. This
Speaker 1: is what I look like. You know. I have great days,
Speaker 1: I have shitty days. I think that it's so important
Speaker 1: for young people to actually see what an influencer in
Speaker 1: I'm doing inverted comments looks like in the real Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: we've got a camera set up here, what an influencer
Speaker 1: looks like in real life. So yeah, I think that
Speaker 1: that's really beautiful that you're doing that, and I love
Speaker 1: that that's your suck and you're sweet and what's yours?
Speaker 1: My suck for suck and my sweet my suck my suck.
Speaker 1: Was probably also getting up at five point thirty to
Speaker 1: do this podcast after I just got up at four
Speaker 1: thirty to breastfeed Marley and also Marley Pete and pood
Speaker 1: all over herself during her sleep last night. So that
Speaker 1: was really interesting to deal with. Yeah, you guys are
Speaker 1: so welcome for these details. I told you that every
Speaker 1: week My Suck and my Sweet was going to be
Speaker 1: something baby related.
Speaker 2: I have an inkling maybe you're sweet might not be
Speaker 2: baby related.
Speaker 1: Well, yes, my sweet is actually pretty great. So this
Speaker 1: week I don't know if anyone was following my Instagram,
Speaker 1: but this week Matt and I we took our first
Speaker 1: trip to Melbourne. So we flew on a plane with Marley.
Speaker 1: It was a success. She slept and we did a
Speaker 1: trade show called Life in Style and Life in Style
Speaker 1: is a great, big wholesale trade show which is a
Speaker 1: way of getting your brand out there. And I don't
Speaker 1: know if you guys know, but I have my own
Speaker 1: jewelry business, and so for me, it was a really
Speaker 1: amazing opportunity to one feel like an adult again and
Speaker 1: talk to other adults and be working without something attached
Speaker 1: to your breast. Yeah, I was just really amazing. Matt.
Speaker 1: Matt came down. He stayed with me for the full
Speaker 1: five days. He stayed the Airbnb and took care of
Speaker 1: Marley and just just did everything that he needed to do.
Speaker 1: He did was full on dad mode and I love.
Speaker 2: I saw a lot of selfies and here was stoked,
Speaker 2: like matching beanies, his loving dad life.
Speaker 1: It was so good because in the past six weeks
Speaker 1: he hasn't had a lot of time on his own
Speaker 1: with Maley without me being a bit of a helicopter.
Speaker 1: So it gave him the autonomy to just be a
Speaker 1: dad without me telling him what to do. And it
Speaker 1: also gave me the freedom to be a business owner
Speaker 1: again and to work for Tony May and to work
Speaker 1: for myself. And I just felt so invigorated. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm tired, but I'm so invigorated from a week of
Speaker 1: doing that. And I really feel like it's possible to
Speaker 1: be a new mum and to have the business and
Speaker 1: to have the relationship and to have all these different
Speaker 1: facets of life and juggle it. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I take my hat off some because you were doing
Speaker 2: I'm proud of you.
Speaker 1: Thank you. I think I need too said.
Speaker 2: That cast You've got a thousand things on your mind,
Speaker 2: but you still nailed it and very successfully.
Speaker 1: Thanks babe. I'm really lucky I have an amazing support network,
Speaker 1: and I think that that is so crucial when you're
Speaker 1: a new mum.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Well thanks for listening.
Speaker 1: Guys. Guys, thank you for listening. I am, I'm honestly
Speaker 1: thank you for sharing. Yeah, sorry it was a bit
Speaker 1: heavy today. No, never apologized that was why we got
Speaker 1: into this. I'm so grateful for you sharing your story,
Speaker 1: and I'm sure that people who are listening and who've
Speaker 1: gotten this far are very grateful for it as well.
Speaker 1: And I know that it's a big deal for you
Speaker 1: to put this out there.
Speaker 2: I'm glad it's finally out there. I hope someone's life
Speaker 2: has been changed slightly. But guys, feel free to write
Speaker 2: into ask any questions or advice you need. Don't forget
Speaker 2: to subscribe and come back next week.
Speaker 1: Yes, So if you would like to follow us on
Speaker 1: social media, as I said, it's at Life on Podcast,
Speaker 1: feel free to slide into our d ms there as well. Guys.
Speaker 1: That's always exciting and we will have another episode for
Speaker 1: you next Wednesday.