Speaker 1: If I cough. Every time I cough, my asshole hurts
Speaker 1: from the hemorrhoids. I've a new found appreciation for mums,
Speaker 1: mums that get hemorrhoids during the birthing process.
Speaker 2: But have you been squeezing too hard?
Speaker 1: Well, I've been sick, as we know, and I've.
Speaker 2: Been doesn't give your hemorrhois.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I've been smashing the painkillers. It's really upset
Speaker 1: my stomach and made constipated, and all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: I've established this hemorrhoid, which is so fucking so horrible.
Speaker 2: Hang on, hold that right there. Let me do an
Speaker 2: intro and then we'll talk about your hemorrhoids.
Speaker 3: Okay, welcome back to two dudding dads.
Speaker 1: I'm Mattie Jay and I'm As.
Speaker 2: This is a podcast all about hemorrhoids.
Speaker 1: The appreciation of hemorrhoids, good, the.
Speaker 2: Bad, relatable and if you've come for hemorrhoid advice, please
Speaker 2: stop right now.
Speaker 1: If you come for a hemorrhoid appreciation and get comfort,
Speaker 1: you want to be heard.
Speaker 2: For those of you who have hemorrhoids. This is all
Speaker 2: about you guys today.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, Look, I will just say as well, we still
Speaker 2: have a husky voice this episode.
Speaker 1: The amount of wet women out there right.
Speaker 2: Now, I feel like right now is a perfect amount
Speaker 2: of husk.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's good.
Speaker 2: It's like it's not too much. My throat doesn't hurt
Speaker 2: as much. It just makes me sound like I'm a
Speaker 2: naughty boy.
Speaker 1: Daddy's oom.
Speaker 2: But this episode we've pre recorded it, so Ash is
Speaker 2: still on holidays right now at this point of you
Speaker 2: listen to the episode, I'm.
Speaker 1: Sure that Ash is fat as fun.
Speaker 2: On the beach on a day bed with a bucket
Speaker 2: of bin tangs.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, probably sunburned because it doesn't wear suncream.
Speaker 1: I wear zink if I'm surfing, but that's about it.
Speaker 1: A bit of sun cream here are there? The residual
Speaker 1: of rubbing the children in sun cream goes onto my body.
Speaker 2: You've talked I have strong game about how brown you're
Speaker 2: going to be coming back.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm going to be brown, baby, don't you worried?
Speaker 1: But do you have any Irish blood in Yount? I've
Speaker 1: got my dad's Indigenous and my mum's a Kiwi.
Speaker 2: No nothing else? Okay? Interesting?
Speaker 1: Why skin looks a bit wrinkly, frail? Just live a
Speaker 1: tough life, mate, I've lived a hard life.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so this is this is the last episode whilst
Speaker 2: Ash is away and.
Speaker 1: I'll be back as I relaxed, hopefully without sickness, hopefully
Speaker 1: without hemorrhoids. Before the intro, we're talking about my hemorrhoids
Speaker 1: and my appreciation for women that went through the birthing
Speaker 1: process and got hemorrhoids through that.
Speaker 2: It's quite common, I think Laura, I think, well, she
Speaker 2: throws out a hemorrhoid joke like it's nothing. I can't
Speaker 2: tell if she actually has a hemorrhoid. Actually, okay, do
Speaker 2: you know why I think she does have hemorrhoids.
Speaker 1: Because she screams when she's shipped.
Speaker 2: Back in the day, Laura used to like a finger
Speaker 2: in the bump.
Speaker 1: I know I've heard this.
Speaker 2: You I've heard this. We often talk about it when
Speaker 2: you're over and Laura's in the room and visuals. Yeah,
Speaker 2: Laura's like, does does this look weird?
Speaker 1: Smell my finger?
Speaker 2: But after kids finger in the bum? No more, I don't.
Speaker 2: I can't remember the last time I put a finger
Speaker 2: in Laura's bum.
Speaker 1: Oh great, okay, good to know. I'm so glad that
Speaker 1: we established that. But like I was saying, Matthew, I
Speaker 1: mean a lot of pain right now. Yeah, and because
Speaker 1: I've been sick. When I cough, my asshole does that
Speaker 1: thing where like we call it winking, where it winks.
Speaker 1: Fuck it hurts, man. I don't know how these women
Speaker 1: did it. And also another thing I found, So you've
Speaker 1: got to put a cream on it.
Speaker 2: Have you got hemorrhoid cream?
Speaker 1: I've got some.
Speaker 2: Did you go to the pharmacy? No?
Speaker 1: No, no, April had some. Because April had some perfect she
Speaker 1: won't admit there, but she Why do you have the cream?
Speaker 1: Then it's just guilty.
Speaker 2: I bought it by accent.
Speaker 1: Anyway. So the appreciation for a couple of things. One
Speaker 1: the pain that comes along with it, but also the
Speaker 1: application of the cream. So when I first started putting
Speaker 1: the cream on a couple of days ago, pretty clumsy. Okay,
Speaker 1: just smear it on my bar just quickly.
Speaker 2: Are you doing in terms of application technique? Are you
Speaker 2: doing like laying down legs over the head?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: Are you doing touching your toes bumm in the mirror
Speaker 2: so you can see.
Speaker 1: Nah, I'm just I'm going in pretty blind.
Speaker 2: That's your problem problem.
Speaker 1: And I originally it's like it's kind of like fumbling
Speaker 1: in the it's like I'm a virgin fumbling and trying
Speaker 1: to find the hole and it's smeared all over my
Speaker 1: butt cheek. But then this morning I did like a
Speaker 1: little half squat thing, dab straight on the spot, and
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm getting pretty good at this.
Speaker 2: So half squad no mirror involves still straight, so you've
Speaker 2: got no eyesighters, not involved, You're going pure. I'm still like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: you're just like instinct.
Speaker 1: And because I've been doing it for a couple of
Speaker 1: days now, I've got I've got better at it. So
Speaker 1: there's a lot of appreciation for me for mums out
Speaker 1: there that had to go through this.
Speaker 2: Do you have a shower before you applied the cream?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I'm clean a shit okay, uncomfortably shit scream
Speaker 1: a little bit. But yesterday was really bad because I
Speaker 1: was coughing everything up from being sick. Oh man, that's it.
Speaker 2: I was.
Speaker 1: I coughed in the car and I was driving and
Speaker 1: my because my foot hit the brake. I was like, ah,
Speaker 1: because I had to clench my butthole. Anyway, it's enough butthole.
Speaker 2: But I just want to know, are you going to
Speaker 2: go to the doctors? Oh?
Speaker 1: Absolutely not. Classic man.
Speaker 2: Move dude, you've got to go.
Speaker 1: It's actually feeling a little bit better today as long
Speaker 1: as I don't cough.
Speaker 2: So if you do go to the doctors, I guess
Speaker 2: they're just going to prescribe you that cream. Right, what's
Speaker 2: the look?
Speaker 1: My doctor is a young If she's listening, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I did go to the doctor yesterday for my throat
Speaker 1: and she's like, anything else you'd like to talk to
Speaker 1: me about? And I was like, look, she's quite young,
Speaker 1: and I thought, no, nope, no no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no no no.
Speaker 2: You want an old man.
Speaker 1: I want an old man who's been around the traps.
Speaker 1: I've been around a few assholes. Yeah. Anyway, that's enough
Speaker 1: asshole talk. Matthew. Yes, how are you feeling better?
Speaker 2: I feel better.
Speaker 1: It's a bit run down, still have the ask.
Speaker 2: But I feel better. Okay, here's a question for you. Okay,
Speaker 2: in your relationship with.
Speaker 1: April, my lovely wife, you don't know you.
Speaker 2: Guys have two children? Did you ever have I want
Speaker 2: to call it strategic conversation about who's doing what and
Speaker 2: you know how you're going to share the load.
Speaker 1: Of parenting in just like day to day regular.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like I mean like where you're at right now
Speaker 2: at this point, because you know you have the kids.
Speaker 2: There's a Thursday, Friday or week.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so we're usually both off on a Friday, so ook,
Speaker 1: I still do some work on Friday, but my priority
Speaker 1: is it's like a family day for us.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but Thursday I have Macy. But next year I'll
Speaker 1: have both of them. At this stage, on a Thursday April,
Speaker 1: she works full time or she I know she works
Speaker 1: at the moment because so people on leave, but she
Speaker 1: usually works Tuesday, Wednesday. Thursday, Monday is her day with
Speaker 1: the kids, and then Tuesday they go to kindy. Wednesday Kindy,
Speaker 1: Thursday Oscar goes to kindy. Still but I've got Macy.
Speaker 1: Then Friday everyone's everyone's kind of off off.
Speaker 2: So then how did you get to that arrangement?
Speaker 1: Well, originally I was working full time, so majority of
Speaker 1: the parenting was April because I was I had to
Speaker 1: go to the office. Ye. Now I'm much more flexible.
Speaker 1: It varies from week to week, depending on what we've
Speaker 1: got on at and what she's got on. But I
Speaker 1: would say the conversation probably happens nearly weekly because it's
Speaker 1: so different. If there's nothing happening. And it's like, if
Speaker 1: I wasn't sick this week and last week because of
Speaker 1: school holidays and Oscar's off, I would have been had
Speaker 1: Oscar so much more. But Pop has had to help
Speaker 1: out because I haven't been well. It's a hard one
Speaker 1: to answer because we I don't think a ridge. I
Speaker 1: think when April say first went back to work and
Speaker 1: I was working full time, it was like, okay, Aprils,
Speaker 1: like these are going to be my working days. I
Speaker 1: just need you to work from home maybe on the
Speaker 1: days of just in case I need you. And that's
Speaker 1: probably the most extent that it went to.
Speaker 2: Was there ever a conversation about April not working and
Speaker 2: being a full time mum or or you're not working
Speaker 2: and you being a full time dad.
Speaker 1: No, April loves her job. She always wanted to go back.
Speaker 1: I don't think there was every conversation that one of
Speaker 1: us is going to be a full time dad just
Speaker 1: because financially we were like it was going to be
Speaker 1: way too hard, like we're going to have to juggle.
Speaker 1: And I mean everyone's dynamic is different. I'm sure Laura
Speaker 1: and yours is going to be much different, as I
Speaker 1: witness all the time and also witnessed the change in
Speaker 1: both of yours because of different opportunities that you both have.
Speaker 1: But for us, like, look, a lot of it's wing
Speaker 1: in it to be completely hones but like, yeah, look, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a tough question to answer because it varies weekly
Speaker 1: at the moment. But that could change, That could change
Speaker 1: next week. If I say someone offered me a job
Speaker 1: to do something that's going to be every week on
Speaker 1: a specific day, we would need to change things around.
Speaker 2: You got to take those opportunities.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I think we It would have.
Speaker 2: Been the start of this year January. Laura got the
Speaker 2: opportunity to do radio. Yeah, Laura cup right, does it
Speaker 2: pick up three pm? And Laura is insane and what
Speaker 2: she takes on So she's got the jewelry business.
Speaker 1: Yeah, which because she had Dancing with the Stars.
Speaker 2: Dancing with the Stars as well, she's the podcast and
Speaker 2: then she took on the radio show. And when we
Speaker 2: had that come about, there was a sit down where Laura.
Speaker 1: All of a sudden, he had the full sit down.
Speaker 2: I had to sit down and Laura kind of said, look,
Speaker 2: this is what the week is going to look like. Yeah,
Speaker 2: because no longer will their schedule be fluid. When she's
Speaker 2: doing just the podcast, she record like you know, any
Speaker 2: other day, Like it was never consistent, but now it's
Speaker 2: very regimented, like Monday is a record day. Tuesdays and
Speaker 2: she kind of said like I'm going to be gone
Speaker 2: seven am on these day.
Speaker 1: And I remember when you were doing the when she
Speaker 1: was doing the Dancing with the Stars and you were like,
Speaker 1: she was out the door at like six thirty. I
Speaker 1: remember this because we did speak about it briefly, then
Speaker 1: out the door at like so early and then back
Speaker 1: at ten o'clock at night for like five weeks straight
Speaker 1: or something, and that was you.
Speaker 2: Know, we both agreed, yeah, yeah, yes, thing, it was
Speaker 2: going to be short term pain when those opportunities pop up,
Speaker 2: like you.
Speaker 1: Said, when something, yeah, if something pops up, you gotta
Speaker 1: make it way yeah yeah. And aples the same with me.
Speaker 1: If something popped up with me and it's like hey,
Speaker 1: she would be like, this opportunity is huge, you gotta go.
Speaker 2: You got to do it totally. But at the moment
Speaker 2: there's I think this is probably now the busiest that
Speaker 2: Laura has ever been.
Speaker 1: What were the most stressed I've ever seen you.
Speaker 2: It's hard because I'm stressed, but also like I know
Speaker 2: I'm not in the right like I've got for at
Speaker 2: the moment. Also, Laura is starting a live show tour
Speaker 2: for the podcast.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, this week, coming a million days whole.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, And again that was all agreed and it's
Speaker 2: amazing because it gives us so much financial security totally yeah,
Speaker 2: which you know is something that it's like.
Speaker 1: You can't put a price on that, Yeah, totally. Yeah. Honestly,
Speaker 1: she's a workhorse, She is a weapon, and she genuinely
Speaker 1: loves her and loves it, and you genuinely support her
Speaker 1: and I witness that.
Speaker 2: And there's been times when you know, I've done opportunities
Speaker 2: and I've been away, and so the pendulum has swung
Speaker 2: both ways. And right now it's very much in the
Speaker 2: favor of Laura doing the work and I'm doing the kids.
Speaker 2: But Monday is a day where Laura is It's the
Speaker 2: busiest day of the week, so she records really early.
Speaker 2: She has to edit as well that night, so she
Speaker 2: works until ten o'clock or later. I was a little
Speaker 2: bit sick ash.
Speaker 1: Sorry about that.
Speaker 2: I was a little bit horny, Oh, a little bit horny.
Speaker 1: Both Monday nights are just not that it's never going
Speaker 1: to happen.
Speaker 2: Because you know, who's got time for sex when you're
Speaker 2: so busy, and so was. I was looking at Laura
Speaker 2: and she was working when a laptop and I was like.
Speaker 1: Well, sexy secretary.
Speaker 2: I was like, I may as well, I'll put the
Speaker 2: washing out because I'm just waiting for Laura.
Speaker 1: That's four play for Laura though, you know that smart
Speaker 1: I know your wife tick one.
Speaker 2: She didn't even look at me. I was putting the
Speaker 2: laundry basket down the floor, making a bit of noise.
Speaker 2: I was doing the dishwasher as well, like banging plates,
Speaker 2: and Laura looks at me and goes, is something the matter?
Speaker 2: Are you okay?
Speaker 1: I have an erection? Sorry about that?
Speaker 2: At that point I didn't know that I was. I
Speaker 2: was getting really horned, like I was kind of annoyed,
Speaker 2: but I didn't really realize why. And then Laura's like,
Speaker 2: what's the problem, honestly telling me, and I was like
Speaker 2: I didn't want to have sex, and she's like, oh wow,
Speaker 2: She's like, you know, like we can't. This is not
Speaker 2: going to happen. Yeah, And at the same time, taking
Speaker 2: on a lot of the domestic chores like as an example,
Speaker 2: Laura's car REGI is overdue, so I've got to go
Speaker 2: and get that pink slip and get it renewed and
Speaker 2: just everything else. And this is all stuff that it's
Speaker 2: been totally articulated between us. It's not a surprise to
Speaker 2: me that I have to do these things. I knew
Speaker 2: what I was going to do.
Speaker 1: Just feel like you're behind a bit. I do that too,
Speaker 1: where I feel like there's things that, yeah, like might
Speaker 1: fall into my remit at home where it's like, oh fuck,
Speaker 1: I'm behind on that, and I kind of get frustrated,
Speaker 1: but I'm more frustrated with myself.
Speaker 2: Totally.
Speaker 1: Yeah, totally.
Speaker 2: And it's not like Laura is sitting there drinking a
Speaker 2: gin and tiny's.
Speaker 1: I could do that over there when you're finished doing
Speaker 1: the registration. Make sure you can do the insurance.
Speaker 2: And yeah, I have moments where I need to check
Speaker 2: myself because if Laura wasn't taking on these opportunities, we
Speaker 2: wouldn't be in the house that way. Oh totally, yeah,
Speaker 2: you know, we wouldn't have the kids in Bacon. It
Speaker 2: means I can do stuff like this podcast.
Speaker 1: Yes, and similar for us, like Abel's got a secure
Speaker 1: job that you know, is a secure paycheck with what
Speaker 1: we do, it's a sometimes it can be a bit flimsy.
Speaker 1: You know, you just don't know where you stand. So look,
Speaker 1: I've noticed you've taken on this year in particular, you mate,
Speaker 1: you've been fucking flat out. So I don't ever yet.
Speaker 2: And sometimes and I'm not saying this is a correct
Speaker 2: thought to have, like far from it, but but there's
Speaker 2: sometimes when like Thursdays, we agreed that I would have
Speaker 2: the kids.
Speaker 1: All Thursday's Daddy daughter day, Daddy interrupt that. Even I
Speaker 1: get a talking to if I try and interrupt that
Speaker 1: from you.
Speaker 2: And sometimes I love it. And sometimes you know, I'm like, fuck.
Speaker 1: It's okay to be frustrated. Parents think that, like you've
Speaker 1: got to be this perfect parent all the time, or
Speaker 1: you've got to be even just a parent. Sometimes you're
Speaker 1: allowed to scream into a pillow and it's okay, you're
Speaker 1: not gonna be judged by me.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I was sending an email is a hell of
Speaker 2: a lot for easier than having the kids when they're
Speaker 2: tired and they're cranky, they're frustrated.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Yesterday's especially like a day like yesterday, what thirty
Speaker 1: five degrees you know, we will go for a swim stuff.
Speaker 1: But that when we're hanging out at home and it's
Speaker 1: so fucking hot here, that like he's cranky because he's hot.
Speaker 1: I'm cranky because I'm hot, And it's just like a
Speaker 1: fucking absolute nightmare. It's like what do you do? You
Speaker 1: got to go and take a shit for thirty minutes
Speaker 1: and just rechet yourself and think like, well, it could
Speaker 1: be way worse.
Speaker 2: Maley this morning, and maybe that's why I'm also in
Speaker 2: a bit of a bad mood. She loves right now.
Speaker 2: She's obsessed with drawing love hearts on a folder piece
Speaker 2: of paper. You cut out, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: you unfold. It's like a butterfly, but it's in the
Speaker 2: shade of a love heart and she loves that, loves
Speaker 2: it so much, and she wants to cut out the
Speaker 2: love heart herself. But look, I'll be honest, she's bloody
Speaker 2: useless on set. He is four no good, no good,
Speaker 2: and she wants to do it herself, but she can't
Speaker 2: do it. She misses the lines. She was flipping out frustrated.
Speaker 1: Ah, it's like I scoo with the hot world tracks,
Speaker 1: like he's ripped a hole in that bag because same
Speaker 1: thing he wants to build, this thing that just just
Speaker 1: theoretically physically doesn't won't do that, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: He just gets so frustrated that it won't do it,
Speaker 1: and it's kind of like we both then we get frustrated.
Speaker 1: He gets frustrated.
Speaker 2: I'm still walking around with an erection from the night before,
Speaker 2: I'm knocking over citizen cover. Ali's like, stop ruining everything,
Speaker 2: even though even though I am having those moments where
Speaker 2: I'm frustrated because I'm a bit sick, a bit horny,
Speaker 2: as hungry. Well, that little mix of ingredients together it
Speaker 2: makes matter cranky guy, and I now know that. But
Speaker 2: I have to, like, fuck, I have to I have
Speaker 2: to check myself because I'm like, you always want what
Speaker 2: you don't have, right. I know that if I was working,
Speaker 2: if I was the guy on the kitchen table working
Speaker 2: at ten o'clock at night and Laurel was, and I'd
Speaker 2: be like, fuck, it must be nice to be Laura
Speaker 2: like tonight.
Speaker 1: You know, watching TV with kids or playing with kids,
Speaker 1: or like totally even just hanging out the washing sometimes
Speaker 1: you're likes nice to get away from the kids totally.
Speaker 2: You're like, but doesn't matter. Do you know anything about me?
Speaker 2: And I'm sure other people are the same, doesn't matter
Speaker 2: what you don't have in that moment, that's the thing
Speaker 2: that you want. And I'm like, fuck, no, I need
Speaker 2: to I'm like fucking so lucky that, like I can
Speaker 2: take a Thursday off and I can spend it with
Speaker 2: the kids.
Speaker 1: And like, fuck I didn't have a dad, yeah totally.
Speaker 2: Like it sounds really minuscule and like non important, but I'm.
Speaker 1: Like, in the scheme of things, that minuscule and non
Speaker 1: important thing is actually quite major.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's okay to like feel that way. And
Speaker 1: sometimes you've got to stop check yourself, understand your reality
Speaker 1: to make you appreciate what you've you've actually got.
Speaker 2: I know that right now. Marley's favorite game to play
Speaker 2: is Unicorn Fairy Princesses and I'm the monster that's just
Speaker 2: to kill that. Lola's favorite spoon is the purple one,
Speaker 2: which is pepper Pig when she has a week Bix
Speaker 2: in the morning.
Speaker 1: Like, these are things that are like you could be
Speaker 1: missing out on a lot of.
Speaker 2: Parents don't have the ability to have that knowledge of
Speaker 2: their totally because they're not there because they're out working.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like my dad like went to work, and so
Speaker 1: to my mum, they went to work and then they
Speaker 1: came home and they missed everything I've done all day.
Speaker 1: So it's okay to feel like that. Just give yourself
Speaker 1: a name, just check yourself.
Speaker 2: No I do. I do. And it's always like, if
Speaker 2: there's one person that I shouldn't argue with, it's Laura
Speaker 2: because she's always one step ahead of me. Oh yeah,
Speaker 2: and she's also like, naturally when you have an argument,
Speaker 2: that frustration is targeted towards Laura unfairly, and Laura is like,
Speaker 2: hang in a second, let's just look at the situation.
Speaker 2: And I'm like, ah, fuck.
Speaker 1: Yeah, totally, she's good. She's good's good, good rebuttal babe,
Speaker 1: and she's like.
Speaker 2: And go masturbate yeah, And then I come out and
Speaker 2: I'm like, hey, it's great.
Speaker 1: So, Matt, there's something I wanted to show you. And
Speaker 1: our lovely listeners love to pull us up on things,
Speaker 1: and they did pull us up on something from a
Speaker 1: segment we did, which was lies, which is that we
Speaker 1: shouldn't encourage them to be scared of police officers, yes,
Speaker 1: or the police.
Speaker 2: Because they're the good guys.
Speaker 1: They're the good guys. But I came across a video
Speaker 1: last night while I was doom scrolling while not talking
Speaker 1: to April in the only time, like when the kids
Speaker 1: had gone to sleep, and that's the only time we
Speaker 1: have together. We both just doom scroll.
Speaker 2: That's the decompressed time, baby decorn pruse.
Speaker 1: So I came across the video. I thought, this is
Speaker 1: it's a bit too much. It's quite a long video. Essentially,
Speaker 1: what it is is a dad who is potty training
Speaker 1: his kid has a certain technique to try and scare
Speaker 1: him into potty training, which has to do with the police.
Speaker 1: So I'll turn the volume up and you can actually
Speaker 1: watch it.
Speaker 4: Matt Oh the colony the call me? Oh yeah, I
Speaker 4: don't know so much should do so? I don't know
Speaker 4: who cash come. Are you sitting in the corps right now? Yeah?
Speaker 4: If you children's prison, hurry up.
Speaker 1: It's not a fun place.
Speaker 2: My fucking hell.
Speaker 1: That poor kid traumatized. Look, that's pretty red art. There
Speaker 1: must be some sort of like dialog.
Speaker 2: Dollar fake yeah station.
Speaker 1: When I saw that, I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: like that kid is going to be traumatized from the police.
Speaker 1: But it got me thinking about potty training, and look,
Speaker 1: I think that's funny, but also a bit harsh on
Speaker 1: the poor little fella.
Speaker 2: For anyone who couldn't make out what was happening. The
Speaker 2: dad was calling the police for shitting himself.
Speaker 1: Shooting himself and not going to the toilet like they've
Speaker 1: been trying to train.
Speaker 2: What a heinous crime, so heinous, disgusting those type of people.
Speaker 1: Lock up, lock them up, lock those kids up, throw
Speaker 1: away the key. I love how he gave him the
Speaker 1: phone and he was like it was literally like a
Speaker 1: service saying, have you ever been to children's prison?
Speaker 2: It is not a good place. So good.
Speaker 1: It reminded me of a story so Oscar obviously earlier
Speaker 1: this year, and we spoke about Oscar and toilet training
Speaker 1: and stuff like that. So he is toilet training, successfully,
Speaker 1: goes to the toilet, does poos obviously not overnight though
Speaker 1: we're still within a nappy in case he wheezed himself
Speaker 1: at night, which I don't have enough bed sheets in
Speaker 1: his house because he would wean himself every night, so
Speaker 1: I get seven different types of bed sheet, just an
Speaker 1: extra job for me, So nappy overnight at the moment
Speaker 1: and sometimes in the morning he's still in the nappy.
Speaker 1: He'll take it off himself usually, but the other day
Speaker 1: he was like, I gotta go pooh, And I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: that's cool. Like to tell because he wipe my bottom
Speaker 1: when I'm done, of course I will. I would love
Speaker 1: to do.
Speaker 2: That's why I'm here.
Speaker 1: That's my favorite thing to do, is wipe your shitty ass.
Speaker 1: I thought you never asked at least Wine and Diarmie
Speaker 1: for me to makeup on. So he ran up and
Speaker 1: it was very quiet up.
Speaker 2: There, which is always a concerning.
Speaker 1: Yeah, very And I looked I was sitting on the
Speaker 1: couch behind you, Matthew there, and I looked up the
Speaker 1: stairs and I saw him you were sitting there watching TV.
Speaker 1: I was like, did you go to the toilet? He
Speaker 1: was like yeah. I was like, one, didn't hear it flushed. Two,
Speaker 1: I didn't hear the tap go, and three he didn't
Speaker 1: call out for me to help you wipe. He was like, no,
Speaker 1: it's all good. I was like, no, no, not. So
Speaker 1: I got up. As I walking upstairs, He's like no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no no no. And I was like okay. I walked in,
Speaker 1: opened the door and the toilet seat was down, and
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, and then I opened the r
Speaker 1: and then I saw there was a nappy in the corner.
Speaker 1: So what he's done is he's pooped himself in the
Speaker 1: nappy prematurely. He must have needed to poop so bad
Speaker 1: that he's pooped himself prematurely. And then he flicked the
Speaker 1: nappy off, Its hit the wall, the poop is smeared down.
Speaker 1: The wall of the bathroom gets better, but because he's
Speaker 1: pooed himself in the nappy, it's smeared onto his butt cheeks.
Speaker 1: He sat on the toilet seat and smeared shit across
Speaker 1: the toilet seat, and then the rest of what was
Speaker 1: left over is in the bottom and I was like,
Speaker 1: what the fuck's going on.
Speaker 2: He's like it's fine.
Speaker 1: I turned around and I'm like I've noticed that there's
Speaker 1: no toilet paper anywhere. And I was like come here.
Speaker 1: He's like no. I was like come here, come over here,
Speaker 1: and he's like no, and I'm like, pull your pants down.
Speaker 1: And pull his pants down and he's got shit smeared
Speaker 1: across his butte and I was like, this is a
Speaker 1: fucking crime scene.
Speaker 2: Call the police may call it.
Speaker 1: That's I was like, that warranted. If you don't call
Speaker 1: me to I just.
Speaker 2: Knew you were going away for a very long.
Speaker 4: Very long.
Speaker 1: Anyway. I was in a position where I was like,
Speaker 1: where do I start? Where do I start the cleaning process?
Speaker 1: Do I clean the boy? Do I clean the toilet?
Speaker 1: Do I clean the wall? I let him stew in
Speaker 1: his and I cleaned up everything, and then I was like,
Speaker 1: come here, let me aggressively white this dried poo that's
Speaker 1: all over you. But he was willing to hide that,
Speaker 1: thinking I'm never going to find it. Usually, brain man,
Speaker 1: you gotta find The best thing was that was like
Speaker 1: he must have kicked the nappy off with his foot
Speaker 1: and he's hit the tiled wall and slid down like
Speaker 1: a perfect like graffiti on the wall.
Speaker 2: Does he even like to wipe his own bumby? He
Speaker 2: always wants you to do it.
Speaker 1: He's given it a go and a couple of times, okay,
Speaker 1: probably clean, snap off, Cleanna, it's the best. But you
Speaker 1: know what, I love? This gonna sound disgusting when I
Speaker 1: take a ship and I'm gonna wipe and I find
Speaker 1: that perfect itchy spot.
Speaker 2: Fucking Jesus, is that is that before or after you
Speaker 2: had hemorrhoids. Is this before?
Speaker 1: Long before?
Speaker 2: Now find that little hemorrhoids, give a little time, nothing
Speaker 2: is better.
Speaker 1: On that note, let's go to our Budgie smoker segment.
Speaker 1: We desire in every repair ordinary repair. We don't know
Speaker 1: what we do.
Speaker 2: We don't know.
Speaker 1: What we do because we're repair ordinate. So Matthew, this segment,
Speaker 1: as you know, we celebrate the ordinary or a hack,
Speaker 1: an ordinary hack or something we get sent in from
Speaker 1: listeners via email by d MS. We get them, they're great,
Speaker 1: love them, and they have the opportunity to win two
Speaker 1: hundred dollars worth of budget smuggler gear.
Speaker 2: And can I just say it is the perfect time
Speaker 2: right now to invest in some budget smugglers.
Speaker 1: I know I was down Monavl Beach in my Guy
Speaker 1: Fierira Fiery Budgy smugglers and my heads were shaken.
Speaker 2: Does April like him or is she?
Speaker 1: She's all for it. She's like, look at this rig
Speaker 1: at the moment, classic ninety plus killers.
Speaker 2: And for anyone who doesn't know what those budgies look like,
Speaker 2: they're on our instagram. When we first met, we took
Speaker 2: a photo together those exact budgies.
Speaker 1: In the fire Budgie. They're great.
Speaker 2: I think they're still available.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there was a guy there in Jaws ones as well,
Speaker 1: and the sharks right on the crutch. That's great. So
Speaker 1: this is Budgie Smuggler's most ordinary parent. Well, I've got
Speaker 1: one for you, which I thought is kind of a hack,
Speaker 1: also very lazy on the parents' behalf, but effective. Please
Speaker 1: keep me So this is from Chloe. Chloe emailed us
Speaker 1: at two D two wodd at outlook dot com dot
Speaker 1: you we can send yours And she says, if I
Speaker 1: have to work or go to the gym early in
Speaker 1: the morning and I've got to get them kids up
Speaker 1: extra early, I dressed them in their clothes slash uniform
Speaker 1: the night before. And I think that's great, especially when
Speaker 1: she says uniform, because it's like, obviously these kids have
Speaker 1: got to go to school, and she's just like, nah,
Speaker 1: go to sleep in his school uniform.
Speaker 2: I've had a lot of people submit that. I think
Speaker 2: it's not uncommon, but it's great to know that people
Speaker 2: are talking about it openly because it's fucking genius.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I'm gonna do it. We were talking about we've
Speaker 1: got to go to the airport really early on Monday,
Speaker 1: and we're like, what do we do? Just dress them
Speaker 1: up before I'm taking that one that's mine. You've bragged
Speaker 1: about how you've got the winner for this week so
Speaker 1: far away.
Speaker 2: I think I've got a great one.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: And it came in at the eleventh hour.
Speaker 1: Oh, I love that.
Speaker 2: It's from Meg. She's written in this is a DM
Speaker 2: DM you can alviously email, but this one came straight through,
Speaker 2: slipped into the DMS of two doting dads, and she says, hey, guys,
Speaker 2: I love the podcast. You're awesome.
Speaker 5: Thank you guilty, and she goes, I just thought i'd
Speaker 5: send in a message for the most ordinary parent as
Speaker 5: I sit here on a Tuesday night, and it's my
Speaker 5: daughter's first birthday tomorrow and she's having a party on
Speaker 5: Saturday where.
Speaker 2: She will get lots and lots of gifts, obviously, friends,
Speaker 2: family members, very spoilt for a first birthday. So me
Speaker 2: and the hubby, she says, have decided to get wrapping
Speaker 2: paper and wrap up all of her old toys that
Speaker 2: she already has so she can then wrap them tomorrow herself.
Speaker 4: Savvy saving.
Speaker 1: I love it. It's great. I mean I've heard of
Speaker 1: that before where people just rewrap them because.
Speaker 2: They don't know. They have no idea.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to know at all when they're like right.
Speaker 1: Do you think when they're eighteen they canna be like pum?
Speaker 1: Do you remember when you rewrapped all of my toys?
Speaker 2: You think I didn't know?
Speaker 1: I remember? Bitch, bitch, and then you profited off it
Speaker 1: and won two hundred dollars worth a budget Meg win,
Speaker 1: Meg wins. That's a good that's mate. Look, I'm all
Speaker 1: four cost saving and gas lighting. Your children love that genius.
Speaker 2: So Meg, I'm going to reach out. I reply, Metal reply, congratulations.
Speaker 2: We will send the voucher.
Speaker 1: And we are doing four of these in November. There's
Speaker 1: going to be four weeks of four ordinary parents to
Speaker 1: coincide with most ordinary rig So if you.
Speaker 2: Want some budgy smuggler gear in time for summer.
Speaker 1: Get them in, get them in. So look and the
Speaker 1: turnaround is really quick. The guys a Budget have been
Speaker 1: like sending the voucher pretty much straight up.
Speaker 2: I even think will extend it out. So if you're
Speaker 2: not a parent, but you're an auntie ordinary relative, yeah,
Speaker 2: ordinary relative, or even if you're just like a god parent.
Speaker 1: Even if you're just an ordinary person. We'll take them.
Speaker 1: Get them in because we've got four of them to
Speaker 1: give away in November. That's eight hundred dollars worth of
Speaker 1: gear up for grabs and you can win it more
Speaker 1: than once if you were just a flat out ordinary
Speaker 1: piece of shit. I want to hear it.
Speaker 2: Come in, Come in for a second bite of the apple.
Speaker 1: Absolutely now, Matthew questions, let's go to some questions. Finish
Speaker 1: this off today.
Speaker 2: Okay, this one A lot of people have asked this question.
Speaker 1: A lot of people, a lot of the worse Trump,
Speaker 1: a lot of people. That's my good, that's my good, husky.
Speaker 2: Okay. This one was how did you guys meet and
Speaker 2: what made you want to start a podcast?
Speaker 1: We met at an orgy. No ahh I'll just do
Speaker 1: I'll do some of the answer. We met making content.
Speaker 1: But then we actually had a blind date with our
Speaker 1: first So Matthew had an invitation to a Christmas party
Speaker 1: that I wasn't invited to from Meta thing and he said, hey,
Speaker 1: Laura doesn't want to go.
Speaker 2: Of people who don't know Meta is like Instagram and Facebook.
Speaker 2: It was like, uh, it sounds wanky, as it was
Speaker 2: a Christmas party for content creators. Yeah, and I was
Speaker 2: like and I was like, fuck, I don't want.
Speaker 1: To go, but I know a guy who likes the party.
Speaker 2: So I was even asked who's attending, and I said,
Speaker 2: can I bring a friend? And then I threw out
Speaker 2: the invitation to yourself.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was good, and then we met. We had
Speaker 1: a couple of beers beforehand.
Speaker 2: I thought this guy seems lovely.
Speaker 1: I got pretty lit up. And then afterwards we made
Speaker 1: a few videos in the in the corresponding months and
Speaker 1: people were into it. Yeah, and I said to Matt,
Speaker 1: we should do a podcast and he politely said no, okay,
Speaker 1: So anyway, a couple of months.
Speaker 2: At this point, I was still sussing you out.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's still sussing out my credibility. And then my
Speaker 1: gas lighted him and said I've got another dad, don't
Speaker 1: worry about it. Forget about it. And a week later
Speaker 1: I said, are you sure.
Speaker 2: Well, we did a I don't know if at this
Speaker 2: point we agreed to doing a full series together. We
Speaker 2: did a test record, Oh we did. Yeah, yeah, we
Speaker 2: did a test record at my house and I thought,
Speaker 2: let's see what this guy's got. Let's see, let's see
Speaker 2: he's got a good chat when he's out and about.
Speaker 2: Let's see if it translates to a microphone, which doesn't
Speaker 2: often happen. Ash No, and that was you know, I
Speaker 2: was a little bit nervous going into the shop. I
Speaker 2: didn't know how I was. It was. It was this
Speaker 2: epiphany where I was like, here he is.
Speaker 1: It is glory. The man is where he's supposed to be.
Speaker 2: I had wanted to do a podcast. I just didn't
Speaker 2: have the person to do it with.
Speaker 1: But yeah, look that's how it came about. We did
Speaker 1: the record. We actually had a really fun time. Here
Speaker 1: we are.
Speaker 2: We built a beautiful friendship. And sometimes with friendships you
Speaker 2: don't know where it's going to come from. But as
Speaker 2: long as you're open to it, this is the.
Speaker 1: One real sappy and I'm really not really uncomfortable.
Speaker 2: Now you're a Bali.
Speaker 1: When I'm in Bali, maybe I'll find a Bali.
Speaker 2: Matt don't even joke about that.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it too. I'll be available
Speaker 1: on the phone whenever you need me. What have we
Speaker 1: got here? Okay? Oh, actually this is a good question.
Speaker 1: I like this one. Matthew. How do you deal with
Speaker 1: parents accusing your child of doing something mean. It's a
Speaker 1: real sticky one.
Speaker 2: That actually came from a daycare teacher.
Speaker 1: There's no evidence it never happened.
Speaker 2: I picked up the kids the other day from daycare,
Speaker 2: and normally, as we've spoken about previously, it's the conversation
Speaker 2: is like, hey, how was she? She had a great day,
Speaker 2: thanks to much, We'll see you tomorrow, goodbye.
Speaker 1: Yes, it's always like that, a great day, and.
Speaker 2: Then she goes, oh, I need to talk to you
Speaker 2: about something. I was like, what's what seems to be
Speaker 2: the problem. And I look at Lola, who was just
Speaker 2: so sweet, innocent, her little pig tails, and she's sitting
Speaker 2: there still sucking a dummy, and she goes Laura, and Laura,
Speaker 2: Laura's the kid Lola has been hitting other people?
Speaker 1: Yeah, did you say show me the proof?
Speaker 2: Yeah? I was like, where are the bruises and the
Speaker 2: other kids? And they were, they were there.
Speaker 1: She'd been back here, that old thing was like, should
Speaker 1: have seen the other guy?
Speaker 2: And sometimes I'm like, I wonder if it's because I
Speaker 2: play really rough with kids. And I'm like, also, like
Speaker 2: smoke me at.
Speaker 1: The bottom, Yeah, that learns it from you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I could be enabling this parent, But I was like, oh,
Speaker 2: what do I tried to be concerned as she was
Speaker 2: telling me.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my gosh, oh no, but he
Speaker 1: also didn't care. I know. My theory behind it is
Speaker 1: like where there's smoke this fire, right, Oscar is so timid.
Speaker 1: If a kid gets near him at a playground, he
Speaker 1: fucking runs off. He's not hitting nobody. So someone accuses him,
Speaker 1: I'm like, you've got the wrong kid. But if it's legit,
Speaker 1: and I've seen him not square up, I've seen him
Speaker 1: get a little bit like defensive, but like he he
Speaker 1: honestly like, I've never seen him hit anything, so I
Speaker 1: would be that have to really.
Speaker 2: He's never been like he never went through like a
Speaker 2: biting phase.
Speaker 1: No, no, he's always been like this timid kid. But look,
Speaker 1: if someone said, look I just witnessed Oscar hit someone,
Speaker 1: I would go, okay, well the adult I would believe first,
Speaker 1: and then I would say, buddy, just be honest, did
Speaker 1: you hit that person? And just you know it is
Speaker 1: you just never right. But if it was Macy, I'd
Speaker 1: believe it.
Speaker 2: I think it's going to get harder when the kids
Speaker 2: get a bit older, when the kids are like six,
Speaker 2: seven and eight, and they start to get a bit
Speaker 2: nasty where it's.
Speaker 1: Like but I also like, I also think like let
Speaker 1: the kids hash it out a little bit.
Speaker 2: Yeah, look, let.
Speaker 1: Them hash it out because you're not always going to
Speaker 1: be there to be like your kid. You know. Can
Speaker 1: imagine if our kids are eighteen and you come up
Speaker 1: to me and you said, your kid hit my kid,
Speaker 1: My answer would be, did your kid hit him back?
Speaker 1: And if not, why not?
Speaker 2: And if they did, let's just make a little ring
Speaker 2: here at the playground, get it over with, shirts off
Speaker 2: boys and yeah, get it over with.
Speaker 1: Let's let's see who's really tough around you. It's also
Speaker 1: good to be like, hey, don't hit Yeah, but get
Speaker 1: a bit of mung raw about yea. Sometimes anyway, stop
Speaker 1: being a snitch. They're like, your kid hit my kids,
Speaker 1: like snitch, You're the one in the boys group. Everyone
Speaker 1: no one tells anything because you're a snitch.
Speaker 2: Okay, So I don't mind a snitch.
Speaker 1: You wouldn't.
Speaker 2: I don't mind it. It's hard, man, because you don't
Speaker 2: want the kids to, like the drop of a hat,
Speaker 2: come running to you at the playground and this happened.
Speaker 2: But at the same time, I'm like, fight it.
Speaker 1: Out a little bit. No, well we'll give a mixed opinion.
Speaker 1: We're really gone full circle. Let's agree on one thing.
Speaker 1: No one likes a snitch.
Speaker 2: I don't hate it. I don't hate it. I'll protect
Speaker 2: Marley no matter, even if I'll die for you, even
Speaker 2: if Marley's standing there with a serrated knife covered her blood.
Speaker 2: I'm like, she didn't do it, give it to daddy.
Speaker 1: I'll wash it and get it, rubbing it on you, like,
Speaker 1: no blood on there.
Speaker 2: And I'm so bad like that.
Speaker 1: You just hide your kids.
Speaker 2: And she's so beautiful and innocent, she could never hurt
Speaker 2: a fly.
Speaker 1: Yeah, kids the problem. Yeah, look some kids. Some other
Speaker 1: kids are the problem. Let's just leave it at that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you have, you have a very good holiday. You
Speaker 2: deserve this. You've been working hard. You're covered in hemorrhoids,
Speaker 2: you're sick your.
Speaker 1: Blood but hemorrhoids.
Speaker 2: You're literally it's like talking to a giant hemorrhoid right now.
Speaker 1: I'm just a big red pollop and see you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: when you're back, I'm back and rested in brown, tanned
Speaker 1: some waves. Hopefully it's like I don't serve anymore shack
Speaker 1: a br shackers.
Speaker 2: April just I'm just saying, can to get away to
Speaker 2: Bali Bags.
Speaker 1: If you like this episode, please subscribe, follow us on Instagram,
Speaker 1: leave a little of view. We love that. I'm going
Speaker 1: to go sip on a few bin tains. But it's
Speaker 1: been nice to speak to you again, Matthew, so let's
Speaker 1: just go see out. Bye.
Speaker 2: Two. Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country
Speaker 2: throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.
Speaker 1: We pay our respects to their elders past and present
Speaker 1: and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres straight
Speaker 1: on the People's Today. This episode was recorded on Gadigle
Speaker 1: Land