1 00:00:00,640 --> 00:00:02,680 Speaker 1: This is a Will and Woody podcast. 2 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:04,400 Speaker 2: NINNI, right now do this. 3 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:08,280 Speaker 1: If you fill a bit flat and you're after a boost, 4 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:13,600 Speaker 1: then let it up. Do this tit bit baby bit. 5 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:20,160 Speaker 3: It's Will do we an health did. 6 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:28,200 Speaker 2: Taby alrighty woods? 7 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,760 Speaker 1: So, yeah, today is all about people that feel guilty 8 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:35,720 Speaker 1: or responsible for how other people feel. So if that's you, 9 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:38,600 Speaker 1: if you're constantly worried, if people are upset with you, 10 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,959 Speaker 1: or if you've upset somebody else. 11 00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:43,800 Speaker 3: Is this empathy will or is that the not quite right? 12 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,880 Speaker 1: I think it's empathy dialed up. 13 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:48,200 Speaker 2: Sure, So it's your empathy on heat. 14 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:50,320 Speaker 1: So, and it can be a really useful thing to 15 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:53,800 Speaker 1: help you walk in somebody else's shoes and figure out. 16 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:54,640 Speaker 2: What's going on with them. 17 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:58,320 Speaker 1: But I think largely depending on how you were raised, 18 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:03,360 Speaker 1: you can develop on heat where you're like super sensitive 19 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,360 Speaker 1: to how somebody feels because you feel like you've done 20 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:09,040 Speaker 1: wrong by them, which is what they call an insecure 21 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:14,000 Speaker 1: attachment style. Right, So if you're in my shoes, I'm 22 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,880 Speaker 1: definitely like that. And a lot of the therapy I 23 00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:18,880 Speaker 1: go through is about the fact just because I love 24 00:01:18,959 --> 00:01:22,240 Speaker 1: someone doesn't mean that I'm necessarily responsible for them. 25 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,080 Speaker 2: Sure, sure, I'm sure, which is something that I can 26 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:24,920 Speaker 2: feel all the time. 27 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,640 Speaker 1: So I think if you're listening to this and you 28 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:30,720 Speaker 1: can empathize with that, it probably means that you grew 29 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:34,080 Speaker 1: up in a house where you had a parent who 30 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:36,319 Speaker 1: had unpredictable reactions to things. 31 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:39,679 Speaker 2: So maybe they would give you the. 32 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:42,399 Speaker 1: Silent treatment for a little while, or maybe you weren't 33 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,040 Speaker 1: sure when they were going to be angry with you, 34 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:46,880 Speaker 1: or maybe you're in a situation where they would make 35 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:49,320 Speaker 1: you feel nervous or like walk on eggshells around them. 36 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:49,640 Speaker 3: Sure. 37 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 2: I know that was the case in my house at times. 38 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:58,600 Speaker 1: So I have that highly dialed sense of I learned 39 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,200 Speaker 1: it when I was a kid that I had to 40 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:03,840 Speaker 1: try and perceive their emotions. Ah. 41 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,800 Speaker 3: So you develop this ability and then change your behavior 42 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:08,480 Speaker 3: based on your perception of their feeling. 43 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,240 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, or you're just anxious about how they're feeling. 44 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,919 Speaker 1: And that means that as you get older, if sort 45 00:02:13,919 --> 00:02:17,000 Speaker 1: of like someone size around you, or you tell a 46 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:19,320 Speaker 1: story and they give you a sideways look, or you 47 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:24,919 Speaker 1: see someone react unfavorably about how you're talking, you instantly 48 00:02:24,919 --> 00:02:27,359 Speaker 1: feel responsible for those emotions. 49 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,320 Speaker 2: Ah, and you feel guilty. 50 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,040 Speaker 1: That you're like oh my god, I've annoyed that person. 51 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:34,240 Speaker 1: And oftentimes that means you can build a narrative that's 52 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,880 Speaker 1: just not even going on totally, and you can start 53 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:40,080 Speaker 1: thinking that you've annoyed them or whatever it is. 54 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,079 Speaker 2: How do we fix it? Will? 55 00:02:42,919 --> 00:02:45,799 Speaker 3: I think everyone's just in the car, like, not aggressively 56 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:49,320 Speaker 3: going yes, yes, yeah, how how did you break that? 57 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:51,839 Speaker 1: So? I think and this is something I got from 58 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,840 Speaker 1: a woman online who's brilliant called the Holistic Psychologist. 59 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 2: She's an amazing woman. 60 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,560 Speaker 1: But I think that the first point in this is 61 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:04,440 Speaker 1: realizing that as we're not responsible, we're not responsible to 62 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:06,480 Speaker 1: find meaning in someone else's emotions. 63 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,480 Speaker 2: That's not our job. That's the first thing I said. 64 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:11,679 Speaker 1: Just because I love someone doesn't make me responsible for them. 65 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,120 Speaker 1: Sure we might think that that's our job because we've 66 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:18,079 Speaker 1: learned that, but it's just a coping mechanism. So you 67 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:21,200 Speaker 1: don't have to get to the bottom of how someone's feeling. 68 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,560 Speaker 3: So is that more just going like, okay, so I've 69 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,880 Speaker 3: acted in a certain way and however the person reacts 70 00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:28,840 Speaker 3: to it, is that's that's their reaction. 71 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:30,720 Speaker 2: That's their reaction. Yeah, sure, that's right. 72 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:35,040 Speaker 1: And so rather than assuming what their reaction is as well. 73 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,080 Speaker 1: Rather than having that passive sort of like, oh, I'm 74 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:40,720 Speaker 1: assuming they're pissed off with me, I'm just going to 75 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:44,640 Speaker 1: act weird about it, ask be proactive about it, get 76 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,640 Speaker 1: on the front foot, hey, look did I annoy you? 77 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:49,400 Speaker 2: And then from there, and this is the really important 78 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:49,880 Speaker 2: part if. 79 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:51,720 Speaker 1: You're going to do it, and I'm going to use 80 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,840 Speaker 1: the word adult again, but like an adult, if you 81 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 1: ask them and you go, hey, have I annoyed you? 82 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,000 Speaker 2: And they go no, no, no, you honor that. You go, well, 83 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:00,560 Speaker 2: you've said no, I have annoyed you. 84 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,040 Speaker 3: Even if you think maybe they're not being done for. 85 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,560 Speaker 1: Your bit you asked them, yeah they've said no. You 86 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:10,000 Speaker 1: need to develop open communication styles. And this obviously is 87 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,119 Speaker 1: something that comes up more and more in a relationship. 88 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 1: So rather than sitting there and feeling guilty about something, 89 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,160 Speaker 1: oh jeez, I've annoyed that person, I've slided them, rather 90 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:20,440 Speaker 1: than feeling responsible and guilty, will apologize if you actually 91 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,919 Speaker 1: think you have annoyed them or asked them, have I 92 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,080 Speaker 1: actually annoyed you? Why is that question so hard to 93 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:27,480 Speaker 1: are you okay? 94 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:27,920 Speaker 2: Yeah? 95 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:28,800 Speaker 3: Did I annoy you? There? 96 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,799 Speaker 2: Was that so hard to do it? Because you're scared 97 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:32,680 Speaker 2: of what their reaction is going to be. Member. 98 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,560 Speaker 1: I spoke earlier about the fact you've been raised in 99 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,440 Speaker 1: a household where there's a parent who's going to lose 100 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:39,640 Speaker 1: it at you, give you the silent treatment learned behavior. 101 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,039 Speaker 3: So it's so I don't want to ask them have 102 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:42,479 Speaker 3: I annoyed them? 103 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:43,560 Speaker 2: Because if I do ask that. 104 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,120 Speaker 3: They are going to be going to react to them 105 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,200 Speaker 3: and to actually know for sure they were yeah. 106 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:50,640 Speaker 1: And so the other part of this is if you 107 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,200 Speaker 1: do ask somebody, hey, look, have I annoyed you? There, 108 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,760 Speaker 1: I feel like I've pissed you off. If they turn 109 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,520 Speaker 1: around and say yes, they are upset with you the 110 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,359 Speaker 1: next The other part about being in a in this 111 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:04,440 Speaker 1: situation is saying it's okay, like you're no longer a 112 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,480 Speaker 1: bad boy or a bad girl for annoying them. 113 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:09,360 Speaker 2: You've annoyed them, that's the case. It's going to happen. 114 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:10,880 Speaker 2: You can resolve it in the future. 115 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,200 Speaker 1: But that self perpetuating sense of like, wow, I've really 116 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:18,000 Speaker 1: really annoyed you and continuing your relationship is going to 117 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,120 Speaker 1: be destructive ultimately. So I think the closing bit here 118 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:24,480 Speaker 1: is that as adults were in a relationship just remind 119 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:27,800 Speaker 1: yourself that you are responsible for openly communicating to the 120 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,800 Speaker 1: people around you, and don't just assume because somebody's annoyed 121 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:31,520 Speaker 1: at you that they are. 122 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:34,520 Speaker 2: And if you think they are, just ask them. 123 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,200 Speaker 1: And if they choose not to tell you and they 124 00:05:36,279 --> 00:05:38,640 Speaker 1: choose to be passive aggressive, that's on them. 125 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:39,440 Speaker 3: You've done your job. 126 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:40,520 Speaker 2: I've done your job. 127 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:40,800 Speaker 3: Yeah. 128 00:05:40,839 --> 00:05:41,080 Speaker 2: Yeah. 129 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:42,880 Speaker 1: It takes a lot of work, though I'm certainly not 130 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:45,640 Speaker 1: there yet. But that's the tidbit for this afternoon. 131 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, no, great stuff, great bloody work. And I'm sure 132 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:50,080 Speaker 3: the more you ask that question, the easier it gets 133 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:52,720 Speaker 3: as well, because honestly, hearing that, that's my worst nightmare, 134 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,800 Speaker 3: that question. Have I annoyed you? Yeah, that's my worst nightmare. Yeah, 135 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,800 Speaker 3: and I think it and I'm like, no, I can't 136 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,880 Speaker 3: ask that too scary, too scary. But I'm sure it's 137 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,280 Speaker 3: like you know, it's just a fitness right. 138 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,640 Speaker 1: Yeah. You just get used to asking a question over 139 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,880 Speaker 1: and over again. Yeah, well not all the time, because 140 00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:07,720 Speaker 1: they'd be like, yeah, well you're pissing me off there 141 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:08,720 Speaker 1: and you asked. 142 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,719 Speaker 2: Me about yourself. It's happening. 143 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,840 Speaker 3: Because now you're done with that, why not check out 144 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,920 Speaker 3: more from Will and Woody on The Whole Show podcast.