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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, I mean, I had a school teacher called mister Bonnett,

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Speaker 2: and when he had a son, our class voter that

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Speaker 2: they should call the boy Rusty Rusty Bonnet anyway, And.

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Speaker 1: Now here's the stars of our show, my mom and dad.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so this is like take three because every time

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Speaker 2: I start this podcast recording, but you look at me

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Speaker 2: like I'm a weirdo.

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Speaker 3: A weirdo.

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Speaker 2: I've been trying to just say hi.

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Speaker 3: So many other podcasts I listen to just have the

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Speaker 3: same intro every week.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but you want to change it up, I don't

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Speaker 2: mean to. I just open the mic and start talking.

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Speaker 2: That's all it is. That's all it is.

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Speaker 3: You're just making life out of yourself, reinventing the world.

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Speaker 3: Every time.

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Speaker 2: I'm justin I'm Kylie. We are the parents of six

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Speaker 2: daughters and a baby in utero, will be a grandchild.

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Speaker 3: In two fur dugs and yeah for babies.

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Speaker 2: And we are excited to have you join us on

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Speaker 2: the Happy Family Podcast today. End of the week. I'm

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Speaker 2: feeling relief. I'm feeling like I'm really looking forward to

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Speaker 2: this weekend. This has been the quietest week that I've

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Speaker 2: had in like three or four weeks. Now. I've been

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Speaker 2: away so much and I've got stuff to talk about

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Speaker 2: it and I'll do better tomorrow because I've been a

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Speaker 2: present parent this week.

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Speaker 3: Well, I've got a lot to say about the quiet week,

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Speaker 3: but I'm happy to hear what you have to say.

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Speaker 2: All right. So for those of you who a knew

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Speaker 2: the podcast, welcome, Thank you for joining us on Friday.

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Speaker 2: As we get a little bit personal in this pod

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Speaker 2: and talk about how we're going as parents, what we

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Speaker 2: can do better, what we've done well, with a focus

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Speaker 2: on doing better tomorrow, just before we share our stories,

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Speaker 2: I kind of feel like it's a bit of show

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Speaker 2: and tell. Really, there was something that popped up in

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Speaker 2: the news this week, probably better for this week in

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Speaker 2: Parenting the podcast episode that we do about that, but

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Speaker 2: I just didn't want to wait, so I'm sharing it now.

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Speaker 2: A British couple, you're cheating? A British do that? A

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Speaker 2: British couple to fight to have their son named after

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Speaker 2: the Devil after a registrar tried to ban them from

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Speaker 2: using it. This is from news dot Com.

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Speaker 3: Down they actually get it through.

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Speaker 2: The horrified official told them that their four month old

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Speaker 2: son wouldn't succeed in life, so four months old, before

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Speaker 2: they've come up with the name, decided to give this

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Speaker 2: kid a satanic name. Wouldn't succeed in life, said the

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Speaker 2: horrified official. Dan and Mandy Sheldon went to register the

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Speaker 2: todd last week after the council office finally opened after lockdown.

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Speaker 2: Furious dan Ah thirty seven, a plant higher company boss,

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Speaker 2: lodged an official complaint over how he and Mandy thirty

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Speaker 2: two were treated at their local office in Chesterfield, Derbyshire.

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Speaker 2: He said, we were really excited to go and get

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Speaker 2: him registered, but the woman looked at us in us

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Speaker 2: a disgust. She told us he would never be able

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Speaker 2: to get a job and that teachers wouldn't want to

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Speaker 2: teach him. I tried to explain that we're not religious people,

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Speaker 2: and Lucifer in Greek means light bringer and morning, but

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Speaker 2: she wouldn't listen. She even told us that it was

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Speaker 2: I legal to name a child that in New Zealand

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Speaker 2: and that maybe we could name him something else but

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Speaker 2: refer to him as Lucifer at home. And I just

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Speaker 2: thought he's gobsmack with the behavior. I'm just thinking that

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Speaker 2: there's actually some pretty good research around that shows that

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Speaker 2: what your name your kids does have some impact on

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Speaker 2: is associated with their future life outcomes. And I don't know.

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Speaker 2: I mean, who wants to call their child little Satany

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Speaker 2: come over here? Even if you don't.

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Speaker 3: Obviously for them it doesn't have the same reference. But

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Speaker 3: the reality is for the majesticality society society, it does.

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Speaker 3: And regardless of how great we try to live our

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Speaker 3: lives and non judgmental we.

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Speaker 2: Are, everybody is well.

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Speaker 3: First impressions matter, and a name, really, for so many

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Speaker 3: people is the first impression. You don't even you haven't

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Speaker 3: even seen his face, but you read his name on

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Speaker 3: the page, and all of a sudden you've already made

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Speaker 3: your minder about who this kid is.

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Speaker 2: Now, we are not into parent shaming. It's one thing

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Speaker 2: that we really really try to avoid. But what I

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Speaker 2: want to do in this quick mention and this we'll

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Speaker 2: leave it here unless there's anything you want to add.

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Speaker 2: I just want to encourage parents to be thoughtful about

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Speaker 2: where your name your kids. And I know that actually,

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Speaker 2: don't just be thoughtful. I'm sure they've been thoughtful about

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Speaker 2: what to name their child. They even know what it

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Speaker 2: means in Greek, and it actually is a really nice

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Speaker 2: name in Greek when you think light bringer or mourning

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Speaker 2: whatever it was. But like you said, Kylie, the broader

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Speaker 2: society will judge your child based on that child's name,

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Speaker 2: and there's good evidence that names that are unusual on

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Speaker 2: regimes are less likely to get put on the top

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Speaker 2: of the list. We know with good evidence that the

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Speaker 2: way your child is named will have an impact on

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Speaker 2: the quality of their relationships and their quality of life experience.

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Speaker 2: And I just had to put it out there because

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Speaker 2: I thought, seriously, do we need to and apparently we

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Speaker 2: do need to say it explicitly.

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Speaker 3: A handful of years ago, I was introduced to a lady.

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Speaker 3: Her name is Sarah, and as we got talking.

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Speaker 2: She's got that spooking it's not.

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Speaker 3: As we got talking, she started kind of sharing some

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Speaker 3: of her life experiences, and somewhere along the conversation she

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Speaker 3: shared that her last name was Moni, which is a

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Speaker 3: again not a particularly.

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Speaker 2: I got it ceremony, ceremony, and you know, I love it.

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Speaker 3: She's such an amazing person because she just she acknowledged

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Speaker 3: her parents had a ridiculously great sense of humor and

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Speaker 3: she has laughed about it her whole life. But other

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Speaker 3: kids would have really given her a hard time as

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Speaker 3: a young kid, and it's just lucky that she has

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Speaker 3: a great outlook.

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Speaker 2: Although it was pretty safe as well. I mean, I

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Speaker 2: had a school teacher called mister Bonnett, and when he

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Speaker 2: had a son, our class voter that they should call

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Speaker 2: the boy rusty Rusty Bonnet. Anyway, Today's I'll do better

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Speaker 2: tomorrow now that we've gotten that off our chests, is

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Speaker 2: about how we can do better or we've done well.

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Speaker 2: And you know what, Kylie, I'm going to just jump

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Speaker 2: straight in with mine and then you can see you

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Speaker 2: us in a second. I am going to say I

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Speaker 2: nailed it this week. Really, I've been.

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Speaker 3: Well after the three weeks you've been away so much

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Speaker 3: about time.

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Speaker 2: I've been traveling a lot. There's been a lot of

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Speaker 2: work happening, but it's been a real treat. Last Saturday,

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Speaker 2: so six days ago now, we were in Brisbane for

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Speaker 2: the Resilient Kids Conference. There's me, Karen Young from Hey, Sigmund,

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Speaker 2: Maggie Dent, and Michelle Mitchell. Wonderful, wonderful conversations about resilience.

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Speaker 2: All day long, there was like eight hundred parents in

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Speaker 2: the room. I took a whole bunch of boxes of

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Speaker 2: books to provide resources to families who wanted to pick

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Speaker 2: up any of those. And I had the absolute delight

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Speaker 2: of hanging out with our nineteen year old daughter Ella

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Speaker 2: for the day. I asked her if she could come

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Speaker 2: and help sort of run the credit card machine while

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Speaker 2: I talked to people and signed books and answered questions

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Speaker 2: and tried to be generally useful. And there was a

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Speaker 2: break at one point during the day where there weren't

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Speaker 2: any people at the table. They were all inside listening

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Speaker 2: to a talk that I'd already heard the previous fortnight

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Speaker 2: when we were in Lontestin, and Ella and I just

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Speaker 2: got to go for a walk, sit under the tree,

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Speaker 2: look up the sky and talk about life. And it

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Speaker 2: doesn't matter with your child's nine or nineteen, or even

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Speaker 2: three or four, just having that experience or even one

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Speaker 2: or two, having that experience going for a walk around

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Speaker 2: with my daughter and spending the day with her, and

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Speaker 2: then jumping in the car and driving home and having

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Speaker 2: her mock my driving because now she reckons she drives

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Speaker 2: a manual better than me all of that stuff. It

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Speaker 2: was just so nice and I wanted to highlight the importance.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I say this all the time. Dollars are

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Speaker 2: the currency of our economy. Connection is the currency of

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Speaker 2: our relationships. And feeling that connection helping her to feel seen,

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Speaker 2: hurt and valued. It was genuinely a highlight of the week.

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Speaker 3: It's interesting as we've gone through the last few months

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Speaker 3: with all of the anks that she's been experiencing, as

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Speaker 3: she's been trying to work out what she wants to

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Speaker 3: do with her life and stop out of UNI, drop

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Speaker 3: out of UNI, and all of those kinds of things.

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Speaker 3: It's been interesting to watch how she's been navigating it,

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Speaker 3: and in the process it's actually kind of pulled away

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Speaker 3: from us quite a bit. There hasn't been any necessarily

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Speaker 3: any tension there, but we just haven't been included like

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Speaker 3: we usually are. But you spent that day with her,

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Speaker 3: and I literally lay in bed with you a few

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Speaker 3: days later and I said, I feel like we've got

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Speaker 3: our old back. Like she's just her countenance has changed,

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Speaker 3: and it's interesting that she's made decisions that fit where

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Speaker 3: she's at right now, and she's felt like she's had

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Speaker 3: the autonomy to do it and then being able to

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Speaker 3: reconnect with you specifically in a really you know, personal

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Speaker 3: way has just lifted her and it's so beautiful to see.

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Speaker 2: As a quick tangent to this, just a reminder for

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Speaker 2: parents as well, can I be really encouraging for parents

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Speaker 2: to not control your kids. I mean, I've always been

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Speaker 2: an advocate of a gap year, but she really wanted

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Speaker 2: to go. She was absolutely certain that she wanted to

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Speaker 2: study property economics and architecture, even though she has no

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Speaker 2: interest in maths economics, she's never shown an inkling of

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Speaker 2: interest in it before, and it really was hard for

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Speaker 2: her and she did.

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Speaker 3: I think often our kids are making decisions based on

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Speaker 3: what they think is the right decision.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, like.

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Speaker 3: As she talked to people, people obviously acknowledged that architecture

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Speaker 3: was great, but she married it up with property economics

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Speaker 3: that we just put her in such a better It.

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Speaker 2: Was a disastrous position. But even though it was a

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Speaker 2: terrible decision, it hasn't been a bad thing in her life.

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Speaker 2: She's experienced university life. She's got her head around what

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Speaker 2: happens at UNI, and she'll be ready when or if,

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Speaker 2: but presumably when she chooses to go back in a

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Speaker 2: couple of years time. What also really struck me, though,

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Speaker 2: and the main point that I wanted to make here,

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Speaker 2: is she's nineteen. She actually has no idea what she

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Speaker 2: wants to do with the rest of her life. I

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Speaker 2: was at a talk at Ormiston College last week and

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Speaker 2: a demographer from Macrintle Research was there talking about the

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Speaker 2: number of jobs and the number of careers that the

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Speaker 2: average person has in their lives now and what the

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Speaker 2: projections are for the future. Most of us are not

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Speaker 2: doing today what we thought we'd be doing when we

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Speaker 2: left high school. The world changes, our lives change, and

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Speaker 2: we just put so much pressure on our kids. And

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Speaker 2: I've really enjoyed watching her come to this realization that

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Speaker 2: she has no idea what she wants to do, and

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Speaker 2: so at the moment, she's applying for jobs, she's applying

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Speaker 2: for some apprenticeships. She knows she doesn't want to do

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Speaker 2: them long term, but she just wants to try stuff.

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Speaker 2: And so long as she's being productive, she's growing and

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Speaker 2: she's learning, that's all that really matters. She'll figure it out.

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Speaker 2: And that was the delightful thing about the conversation, just

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Speaker 2: taking the pressure off and seeing that she really wants

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Speaker 2: to grow, she really wants to learn, she really wants

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Speaker 2: to be productive, and she has no idea where to go.

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Speaker 2: So she might become a florist, or she might become

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Speaker 2: a baker, or she might become a hairdresser, or she

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Speaker 2: might she could do any number of things, or she

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Speaker 2: might end up doing something for a year or two

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Speaker 2: and saying I've learned a lot, but I don't want

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Speaker 2: to do that, and now I'm ready to go back

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Speaker 2: to UNI. And any of that is fine, so long

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Speaker 2: as she's productive and she's finding meaning and purpose and fulfillment.

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Speaker 2: That was That was my older bet. It's Morin and

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Speaker 2: I really enjoyed it. What about you? Oh, Actually, before

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Speaker 2: we dive into yours, I've also got to mention that

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Speaker 2: parents be mindful. This is a conversation about the tooth Fairy,

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Speaker 2: so you might just want to you might need to

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Speaker 2: press pause. We had our nine year old, our youngest,

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Speaker 2: the only one who still has baby teeth, lose a tooth,

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Speaker 2: and she wrote a note to the tooth Fairy saying

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Speaker 2: that because it's been such a long time since she

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Speaker 2: lost a tooth, and because it hurts so much, and

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Speaker 2: because she's been so uncomfortable. Maybe as a special treat,

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Speaker 2: because she doesn't have too many teeth left to lose,

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Speaker 2: the tooth Fairy might leave. And then she specified in

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Speaker 2: her letter twenty dollars.

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Speaker 3: Twenty dollars. I don't know how much money I got

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Speaker 3: it from the.

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Speaker 2: Tooth Fairy when I was her age, twenty cents or

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Speaker 2: fifty cent. So I read it at like ten o'clock

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Speaker 2: at night, and I just cracked up. And she's drawn

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Speaker 2: a picture for the tooth Fairy and promised another one

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Speaker 2: if she gets twenty dollars, and it was just this

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Speaker 2: beautiful note, and I thought I could just leave her

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Speaker 2: two dollars, which is what I.

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Speaker 3: Was going to Well, I think I did, did I not?

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Speaker 2: No, there was no two dollar coin there? Did you

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Speaker 2: leave a two dolar coin there?

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Speaker 3: I left three?

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Speaker 2: I didn't see it. I just thought, she's going to

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Speaker 2: wake up and if she's got twenty bucks, she's going

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Speaker 2: to remember this for the rest of her life, like

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Speaker 2: it's going to make a day. It's going to become

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Speaker 2: a core memory about tooth fairies and tooth losing and

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Speaker 2: all that sort of stuff. So I dropped a twenty

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Speaker 2: and dropped in twenty dollars.

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Speaker 3: You very much have been feeling super abundant.

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Speaker 2: My goodness, I can't believe I didn't see you three dollars.

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Speaker 2: You're so good Anyway, what's your odd a, bet as Morrow?

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Speaker 3: Well, mine's probably a little bit more boring after the

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Speaker 3: things that you've shared today. It's really just about resetting

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Speaker 3: and perspective.

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Speaker 2: Okay.

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Speaker 3: So our daughter's been married now for four years.

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Speaker 2: Four years this month. Yeah, and she will.

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Speaker 3: Often come and visit us, and she gets a little

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Speaker 3: bit frustrated because she just wants me to drop everything

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Speaker 3: so that I can be one hundred percent focused on her.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, isn't it funny? She walks into the house and

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Speaker 2: she's like, why are you doing stuff? I'm here? Is

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Speaker 2: it with me?

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Speaker 3: And do you know what, in my heart of hearts,

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Speaker 3: I really want to and I do everything I can

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Speaker 3: to make that possible. But inevitably, what was going to be,

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Speaker 3: you know, a one or two hour visit turns into

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Speaker 3: three or four and I just I've got to pick

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Speaker 3: the kids up from school or somebody in a rings

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Speaker 3: and they need need my help with something, or you

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Speaker 3: ring and you've.

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Speaker 2: Got you know, we've got a podcast to record or

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Speaker 2: dinner's got to be made, whatever, And so what.

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Speaker 3: Will usually happen is she'll get involved because she can

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Speaker 3: see that there's some gaps and there's some places where

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Speaker 3: she can help, but she's not happy about it. She

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Speaker 3: really kind of, you know, is a bit disgruntled that

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Speaker 3: she's here to visit me and it should be all

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Speaker 3: fun and games, but she's and she doesn't live here,

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Speaker 3: so she didn't have to help out why her sister's

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Speaker 3: not doing X, Y and zet. But last week she

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Speaker 3: actually ended up staying with us. You were away and

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Speaker 3: Jared was away as well, and.

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Speaker 2: Jared's her husband for those of you who are not.

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Speaker 3: Familiar, and so she didn't want to be on her own,

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Speaker 3: so she said, Mum, can I come and stay with you?

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Speaker 3: And I said great? And what was what blew me

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Speaker 3: away was just the shift in her mentality because as

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Speaker 3: she's lived closer to us over the last few months,

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Speaker 3: she's actually recognized that I'm not just sitting on my

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Speaker 3: bum twiddling my thumbs waiting.

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Speaker 2: We got stuff going on.

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Speaker 3: And so every time she shows up and she just

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Speaker 3: sees me kind of pretty much with my jog is

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Speaker 3: on running for tilt. She's really starting to see that

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Speaker 3: life is busy, and so while she was with us,

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Speaker 3: she was just she was fantastic. She sat down and

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Speaker 3: she made out a meal plan and she said, Mom,

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Speaker 3: can you just check these meals? Are you happy with these?

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Speaker 3: And I said, yeah, they look great? And she said, well,

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Speaker 3: why don't I take care of dinner this week? I said,

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Speaker 3: I few can just put the shopping list together of

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Speaker 3: all the things that you need. When I do this

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Speaker 3: dropping tomorrow, I'll get everything that you need for dinners.

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Speaker 2: And it was just.

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Speaker 3: Great to kind of be in this place where for

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Speaker 3: the first time she was actually recognizing and seeing just

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Speaker 3: how busy I am on a day to day basis,

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Speaker 3: and that she could do something to lighten the load

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Speaker 3: and that actually made.

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Speaker 2: Her feel good. Yeah, I'm going to just say, he know,

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Speaker 2: hashtag parenting goals, right, this is what every parent as

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Speaker 2: they're dealing with the eight year old who won't pick

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Speaker 2: a thing up of the fifteen year old is going

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Speaker 2: You mean your daughter came over and cooked meals for

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Speaker 2: you for the week, Like, how do I get there?

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Speaker 3: But what was crazy was at the end of the week,

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Speaker 3: she was absolutely exhausted. She's halfway through her pregnancy, and

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Speaker 3: it was a big deal, like, she worked really hard

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Speaker 3: beside me, but I work just as hard, if not harder.

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Speaker 3: And at the end of the week she kind of

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Speaker 3: looked at me and went, I can't believe you do this.

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Speaker 3: And the reality is we split the.

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Speaker 2: Jobs, right, But that's the moment, that's the Eureka moment.

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Speaker 2: The kids are like, Wow, you've done that for the

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Speaker 2: last twenty years.

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Speaker 3: For me, she was exhausted. I was exhausted, but normally

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Speaker 3: I have to wear the brunt of that entire load

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Speaker 3: people shed.

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Speaker 2: Of course you do.

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Speaker 3: But I'm just saying what she was doing. So I

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Speaker 3: know that was probably a bit long winded, but the

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Speaker 3: reality is what I experienced as I went through that

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Speaker 3: was just how important our perspective is in the way

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Speaker 3: we see things. And so there's been so many little

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Speaker 3: things that have happened through the week where I've kind

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Speaker 3: of gone to get cranky at them. But as I've

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Speaker 3: stepped back and kind of tried to see things from

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Speaker 3: a different perspective, I've recognized the limitations or the bird

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Speaker 3: and all the challenges that are in place that are

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Speaker 3: actually creating the storm and the teacup. And so this

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Speaker 3: week with you now back, we actually sat down for

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Speaker 3: the first time. I cunt. I can't remember the last

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Speaker 3: time that we sat down and did it.

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Speaker 2: That weekly meeting that we say that we always do,

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Speaker 2: we haven't done for a couple of months because we've

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Speaker 2: had so much going on.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and a few weeks ago on our episode this

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Speaker 3: week in Parenting, we talked about a divorce lawyers perspective

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Speaker 3: on what was going on, and it kind of just

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Speaker 3: it was it was a bit of an uppercut again,

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Speaker 3: just you know what, we don't do this enough. We

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Speaker 3: actually need to sit down and plan out our week,

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Speaker 3: get on the same page, get on the same page.

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Speaker 3: And so it was just so nice to be able

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Speaker 3: to have a few hours to sit down with you

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Speaker 3: Sunday morning and talk about our week, have a look

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Speaker 3: where things were at, and look at that big list

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Speaker 3: that Chanelle and I split up but she Noell's not

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Speaker 3: here anymore now, and how we could just alleviate the

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Speaker 3: pressure for both of us so that we have a

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Speaker 3: smooth running week. And I think we've done a pretty

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Speaker 3: good job.

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Speaker 2: Made a difference hugely. Well, we need to wrap the

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Speaker 2: just before we do. I love what you've said about

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Speaker 2: how there's a developmental reality. No matter how hard you

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Speaker 2: try your children, whether they're two or twelve, or eighteen

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Speaker 2: or even twenty two, your children are probably not going

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Speaker 2: to look at you and say, hey, mum or dad, gee,

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Speaker 2: I appreciate everything you do for me. And even if

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Speaker 2: they do, they don't really get it. What I love

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Speaker 2: most about your story is that at some point all

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Speaker 2: of us do kind of get what our parents did

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Speaker 2: for us, and we have the opportunity to express that.

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Speaker 2: And if you haven't told your parents, go and do it,

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Speaker 2: because you've had the experience this week of what it

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Speaker 2: feels like when your parents, when you as a parent,

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Speaker 2: get told that by a child. We still have plenty

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Speaker 2: more kids that have got to have that awakening for it. Gee,

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Speaker 2: it feels good, doesn't it? Like, Yeah, you're seeing You're

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Speaker 2: seeing what I did. You're seeing what I did.

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Speaker 3: I think the only other thing that came out of

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Speaker 3: it was just a recognition that if you feel like

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Speaker 3: your to do list is just overwhelming, it's okay to

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Speaker 3: drop a few things off it every now and again.

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Speaker 3: You know, if two people are exhausted doing one person's less,

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Speaker 3: then when there's.

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Speaker 2: Only one of you.

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Speaker 3: You can't possibly keep up the race day in day out,

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Speaker 3: and I think it's just really important to remember that

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Speaker 3: you're only one person. Be kind to yourself, do the

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Speaker 3: things that have to be done, and let go of

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Speaker 3: some of the things that don't need to be done.

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Speaker 2: I hope there's some inspo in that for you. Have

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Speaker 2: a great weekend. The Happy Families podcast is produced by

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Speaker 2: Justin Rowland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce our executive producer.

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Speaker 2: For more information about making your family happier, we are

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Speaker 2: at happy families dot com, dot you and on Facebook.

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Speaker 2: Dr Justin Colson's Happy Families