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Speaker 1: What do you do when your child can't do maths

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Speaker 1: and they're in year twelve and the pressure is building.

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Speaker 1: What do you do when your child is on camp

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Speaker 1: and they ring you in tears on the teacher's phone

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Speaker 1: to describe how they've been bullied and that shaped today,

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Speaker 1: I'll do better tomorrow. It's The Happy Family's podcast, Real

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Speaker 1: Parenting Solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.

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Speaker 1: We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie, you're feeling exhausted.

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Speaker 1: It's been a monster week. I have some puns to

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Speaker 1: help you to feel better about life, because I know

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Speaker 1: how much you love great dad jokes.

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Speaker 2: I can't wait here we go. I was at a

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Speaker 2: funeral of a friend of mine. His wife asked me

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Speaker 2: if I could say a quick word. I stood at

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Speaker 2: the front, cleared my throat, troup about the tears, and

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Speaker 2: so plethora. Thank you, his wife said, and sat back down.

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Speaker 2: That means a lot. The next man stands up, sniffling

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Speaker 2: and says earth, thank you. The widow says that means

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Speaker 2: the world.

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Speaker 3: Okay.

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Speaker 2: Another guy goes up and says water hole and sits

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Speaker 2: back down. The widow thanks him and says, I know

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Speaker 2: you meant well. Then another guy gets up and says totality.

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Speaker 2: The widow says, thank you, that means everything. A woman

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Speaker 2: gets up and says underestimate, thank you very much. The

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Speaker 2: widow says, that means more than you know. The last

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Speaker 2: guy gets up and says bargain. The widow says, thank you.

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Speaker 2: That means a great deal. So good.

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Speaker 1: Ah, Kylie, do you feel more energized?

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Speaker 3: Sorry, I don't think any pun is going to pull

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Speaker 3: me out of my exhaustion.

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Speaker 1: That came from how to Kill an Hour Online. I

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Speaker 1: just thought you were feeling a little bit low, feeling

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Speaker 1: a little bit lacking in vitality. You're first today because.

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Speaker 3: It's just sleep, honey.

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Speaker 1: Probably that is my number one parenting hack. You want

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Speaker 1: to be a better parent, get enough sleep. For those

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Speaker 1: of you who a knew to the podcast, we don't

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Speaker 1: normally play other people's puns, but that one just caught

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Speaker 1: me and I wanted to cheer Kylie up because she

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Speaker 1: is feeling a little bit weary. On a Friday, we

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Speaker 1: discuss things that have happened during the week that we

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Speaker 1: think can help everyone to be a better parent. It's

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Speaker 1: kind of like our newsday. Remember when you're in those

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Speaker 1: first few years of Show and tell, Show and Tell,

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Speaker 1: you stand up in front and share your news. Well,

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Speaker 1: that's kind of what we do on a Friday. We're

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Speaker 1: so glad that you listen to the pod. Kylie, you

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Speaker 1: are first for our show and tell. I'll do better tomorrow.

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Speaker 1: What have you discovered this week that can help other

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Speaker 1: families with their happiness?

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Speaker 3: This past week, I've had a couple of experiences with

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Speaker 3: people builders, and it's really impacted me and my desire

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Speaker 3: to be one myself. I have a daughter in year

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Speaker 3: twelve and she has for the last twelve months been

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Speaker 3: struggling on and off with maths. She's managed to get

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Speaker 3: through and she's actually done exceptionally well, and her grades

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Speaker 3: don't reflect the fact that she's been struggling as much

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Speaker 3: as she has. She has done really, really well. She

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Speaker 3: asked for a tutor. Last year, We had a look around,

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Speaker 3: we asked different people, and I even tried one not

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Speaker 3: with her, with one of the younger girls, and just

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Speaker 3: didn't feel like we were in the right place at all,

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Speaker 3: And then the year kind of came to a close.

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Speaker 3: This year she started and within two days of school

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Speaker 3: she is panicking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the anxiety's gone through

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Speaker 3: the roof. And I thought, all right, we need to

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Speaker 3: do something. Well, I just happened to be driving past.

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Speaker 1: There's a commercial building down the road, literally down the road,

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Speaker 1: with a big sign out of that says Juisi.

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Speaker 3: Tuition, and I thought, oh, I better try this. This

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Speaker 3: is nice and close. But I just didn't. I kept

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Speaker 3: forgetting to do it, and finally I had an chat

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Speaker 3: with her and I was like, I've got to go.

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Speaker 3: So I literally made a beeline for this place, took

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Speaker 3: a pamphlet, made a phone call, and the guy explained everything.

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Speaker 3: It was actually a lot more expensive than I had

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Speaker 3: expected it to be. Everything, and it was a very

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Speaker 3: different process. We had tried one on one. This is

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Speaker 3: actually a group setting, and the acknowledgment was that she

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Speaker 3: could pretty much bring any subject. She wasn't signing up

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Speaker 3: as a math student. She was actually just signing up

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Speaker 3: for tutoring. There were five or six teachers on hand

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Speaker 3: at any given time who would be able to help

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Speaker 3: her with any subject, and so I thought, we can

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Speaker 3: only give it a go. Let's give it a go.

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Speaker 3: We walked in the door. The principle of the company

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Speaker 3: was waiting. He was talking with another family, and he

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Speaker 3: looked at them and he said, I apologize, I really

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Speaker 3: need to talk to this new family. Took us aside,

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Speaker 3: had a chat with us, and before I had even

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Speaker 3: kind of registered what was going on, here was this

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Speaker 3: guy who had taken as much interest in my child

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Speaker 3: before before he even knew her, And I just thought, wow.

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Speaker 3: But what was more impressive was that at the end

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Speaker 3: of the time that she had spent with him, he

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Speaker 3: met me at the door again to tell me what

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Speaker 3: an amazing child we had, just how amazed he was that,

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Speaker 3: in spite of the gaps in her learning due to illness,

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Speaker 3: that she was doing as well as she was, and

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Speaker 3: that she really needed to give herself a pat on

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Speaker 3: the back for doing as well as she done, And

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Speaker 3: then just talked about all of the things that he

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Speaker 3: was so excited to see her achieved this year, and

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Speaker 3: the acknowledgment that he really felt like she was someone

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Speaker 3: who was going to make a difference in the world.

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Speaker 3: I just loved Number one. As a parent, hearing somebody

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Speaker 3: else have this beautiful vision of your child is definitely

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Speaker 3: a great.

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Speaker 1: Feeling, But it.

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Speaker 3: Was actually more of what it did to her. I

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Speaker 3: was just so grateful that we were number one found

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Speaker 3: this place and number two. When she walked out the door,

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Speaker 3: she said, Mum, I got more done with him in

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Speaker 3: an hour and a half than I have got done

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Speaker 3: in any class. Like she was just blown away, and

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Speaker 3: she just said.

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Speaker 1: I've got this, I can do this great.

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Speaker 3: It was amazing. And then a few days later, I'm

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Speaker 3: with my ten year old and she invites a friend

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Speaker 3: over and I watched this little girl walk in and

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Speaker 3: Emily was so excited to show her some of her toys.

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Speaker 3: And again, just this people builder ten year old who

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Speaker 3: just warmed my house up and warmed my heart. As

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Speaker 3: I watched her build Emily up in everything she showed her,

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Speaker 3: she was just energized and excited, and in the next

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Speaker 3: breath the two of them were bursting into song and

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Speaker 3: singing together. It was just beautiful. And after having those

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Speaker 3: two experiences, it just really reaffirmed to me just how

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Speaker 3: beautiful it is when we can see the good and

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Speaker 3: others and build them up and let them wreckgnize and

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Speaker 3: know it. It was so gorgeous. I want to be

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Speaker 3: a people builder.

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Speaker 1: I love that. It reminds me of a poem that

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Speaker 1: I heard when I was younger. You may recall this poem.

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Speaker 1: It goes like this. It's by Edgar Guest. I watched

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Speaker 1: them tearing a building down, A gang of men in

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Speaker 1: a busy town with a ho, heave ho, and a

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Speaker 1: lusty yell. They swung a beam and a sidewall fell.

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Speaker 1: I asked the foreman, are these men skilled? The men

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Speaker 1: you'd hire if you had to build? He gave me

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Speaker 1: a laugh and said, no, indeed, just common labor is

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Speaker 1: all I need. I can easily wreck in a day

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Speaker 1: or two what builders have taken a year to do.

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Speaker 1: And I thought to myself, as I went my way,

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Speaker 1: which of these two roles have I tried to play?

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Speaker 1: Am I a builder who works with care, measuring life

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Speaker 1: by the rule and square? Am I shaping my deeds

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Speaker 1: by a well made plan, patiently doing the best I can?

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Speaker 4: Or?

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Speaker 1: Am I a wrecker who walks the town content with

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Speaker 1: the labor of tearing down? Be a people builder who

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Speaker 1: love that up? Next, what happened when our daughter had

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Speaker 1: a meltdown at school camp? Okay, Kylie, So we have

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Speaker 1: children who have stopped listening to the podcast because we

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Speaker 1: only ever talk about our youngest Emily. Today, you've talked

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Speaker 1: about our year twelve daughter Annie, and I'm going to

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Speaker 1: share a quick anecdote about our year ten daughter Lily,

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Speaker 1: just to spread things around. Although you did give Emily

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Speaker 1: an honorable mention then your second story just then. So

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Speaker 1: over the last couple of weeks, I've spent a lot

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Speaker 1: of time away. Primarily I've been in New South Wales

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Speaker 1: and I am allowed to say this. We've been recording

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Speaker 1: season three Parental Guidance and it is amazing. I'm so

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Speaker 1: excited about this Channel nine. I don't know when a

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Speaker 1: little bit later this year. This show is going to

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Speaker 1: be incredible. Anyway, my schedule was absolutely so far as

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Speaker 1: we put this together, and I really wondered how I

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Speaker 1: was going to get any time to spend with family.

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Speaker 1: As it happened, I had a five minute break. My

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Speaker 1: phone was in my hand because I was about to

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Speaker 1: call you. It was on do not disturb. But I

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Speaker 1: look down and it was ringing. It was Lily, our

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Speaker 1: year ten daughter. So we homeschooled her the last year

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Speaker 1: and a half. She's gone back to an alternative kind

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Speaker 1: of school this year and they had school camp. She'd

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Speaker 1: been on camp for a day and a half. She

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Speaker 1: was ringing me on the teacher's phone. I didn't know

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Speaker 1: that it was the teacher, it was just a random

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Speaker 1: number ringing me. I pick up. I say hello, this

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Speaker 1: is Justin and I hear sobs. Because I'm out of context,

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure who it is, but it only takes

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Speaker 1: me a second. Lily, it sounds like you're having an

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Speaker 1: awful time. And then Lily begins to cry down the

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Speaker 1: phone as she tells me that one of the kids

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Speaker 1: was fat shaming her, that there been some bullying, and

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Speaker 1: that there was just a group of kids who she

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Speaker 1: was really struggling with. I think she used the word

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Speaker 1: and parents, you might want to close your children's ears

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Speaker 1: for a moment. In three to two one grabheads. I

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Speaker 1: think she literally said that's what she was really struggling

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Speaker 1: with them. And I tried not to laugh because she

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Speaker 1: was having a really hard time, but her description was well,

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Speaker 1: it made me chuckle. Anyway. As I listened, I thought

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Speaker 1: to myself, Okay, here I am in a television studio

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Speaker 1: talking with a whole bunch of people on national TV

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Speaker 1: about how to be great parents.

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Speaker 4: Because I'm one of the nation's leading parenting experts and

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Speaker 4: I've got a daughter who's about fifteen, who is bawling

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Speaker 4: her eyes out down the phone, saying that she's had

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Speaker 4: enough of camp and she can't stand the kids and

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Speaker 4: it doesn't seem fair.

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Speaker 3: And I have two minutes, and I have two.

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Speaker 1: Minutes to resolve this.

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Speaker 3: Oh what am I going to do?

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Speaker 1: And then I remember all the stuff that I try

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Speaker 1: to teach people, and I thought, if it's going to work,

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Speaker 1: it needs to work now. So as she described it

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Speaker 1: all to me, I paused. When she took a break,

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Speaker 1: I said, it sounds like you are having a really

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Speaker 1: awful hard time. And she burst into tears and said, Dad,

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Speaker 1: I am. And I thought, oh, no, I've done the

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Speaker 1: wrong thing, because now her tears are even bigger, and

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Speaker 1: I said, I can hear that. It sounds absolutely rough.

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Speaker 1: And she was for a moment and she said, I

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Speaker 1: just I just don't know what to do, and I'm

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Speaker 1: so sad. And I said, yeah, I know when we're

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Speaker 1: in those situations, it can be really tricky, huh, And Kylie,

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Speaker 1: in the next breath, she said, but you know what, Dad,

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Speaker 1: they sent one of the kids home and he was

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Speaker 1: the main trouble maker and just talking to you about it,

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Speaker 1: and hearing your voice makes me feel better already. And

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Speaker 1: I said, okay, so what do you think is going

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Speaker 1: to be the best thing for us to do? And

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Speaker 1: she said, I can get through another day and a half.

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Speaker 1: I'll be home tomorrow afternoon. I said, I'm so glad

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Speaker 1: we got to talk and she said, me too, Dad,

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Speaker 1: and hung up. It was a two minute focal.

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Speaker 3: Just so we're very clear. This is not success on

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Speaker 3: your end.

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Speaker 1: Oh what's going on?

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Speaker 3: Nailed And he pulled that together all by herself. I'm

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Speaker 3: so impressed.

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Speaker 1: But the thing is, she pulled it together because she

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Speaker 1: was heard, she was valued, she was validated.

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Speaker 3: What's amazing to me in that story is just the

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Speaker 3: acknowledgment of the power that our voice. She couldn't see you,

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Speaker 3: she couldn't hold you, she couldn't be hailed. But just

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Speaker 3: hearing your.

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Speaker 1: Voice and in that moment and.

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Speaker 3: The acknowledgment that she felt heard, was enough to give

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Speaker 3: her the courage to actually take the next step forward.

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Speaker 1: So there are a couple of other things here. Number

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Speaker 1: one emotion coaching. John Gotman popularized it back in the

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Speaker 1: late nineteen nineties, wrote The Emotionally Intelligent Parent. But what

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Speaker 1: it's really about, is you recognize the emotion that the

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Speaker 1: child's experiencing, and you give it a name, which is

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Speaker 1: what I did. Then you let it breathe and you

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Speaker 1: don't try to fix it. You just support, don't solve.

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Speaker 1: Once she felt supported, she recalibrated. I asked her what

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Speaker 1: she thought would be the best thing to move forward.

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Speaker 1: And because we've done this repeatedly, year after year after

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Speaker 1: year after year after year, emotion regulation happens faster. It's

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Speaker 1: a smoother process because those neural pathways of connection and

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Speaker 1: regulation have been worn into the brain. That's the natural response.

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Speaker 1: So when she felt seen and heard in valued, when

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Speaker 1: she felt understood, when she heard me describe what she

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Speaker 1: was feeling, she heard that love in my voice, that

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Speaker 1: understanding in my voice. She calmed herself, and Okay, I

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Speaker 1: can get through the next day and a half and

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Speaker 1: the clear and present danger that was in my orbit

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Speaker 1: is now not here. I can do this.

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Speaker 3: And what was amazing was when I picked her up

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Speaker 3: the next day, she was exhausted. This was survival camp.

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Speaker 3: They trudged through mud, They carried stretches for four hours

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Speaker 3: with the fifty five kilo person on it all the things.

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Speaker 3: And the last day they pulled a six ton truck.

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Speaker 3: There was fifty kids trying to pull this truck and

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Speaker 3: they did it for hours and she came home physically exhausted,

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Speaker 3: but there was an exhilaration that she had experienced as

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Speaker 3: she had pushed her body to the limits and she

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Speaker 3: overcome something that was really really hard.

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Speaker 1: That is our old do bitter tomorrow. To take home

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Speaker 1: message from Kylie, be a people builder and from me,

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Speaker 1: you don't have to solve, you just have to support.

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Speaker 1: And when the kids can feel it and then you

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Speaker 1: give them an opportunity to find a way forward, they

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Speaker 1: will find it. The answers are deep inside themselves. We

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Speaker 1: really hope you have a wonderful weekend. We're so grateful

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Speaker 1: that you've been part of the Happy Families podcast this week,

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Speaker 1: and we look forward to joining you next week with

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Speaker 1: a whole lot more. The Happy Families Podcast is produced

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Speaker 1: by Justin Rulanck from Bridge Media. You can find more

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Speaker 1: information and resources at Happyfamilies dot com dot au.