1 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:06,960 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,000 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. 3 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,840 Speaker 2: Now, what do you want to think right now? What 4 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,640 Speaker 2: do you want to feel right now? Let's work on 5 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:16,520 Speaker 2: our thoughts together. 6 00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:20,000 Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum 7 00:00:20,079 --> 00:00:20,560 Speaker 1: and dad. 8 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:25,279 Speaker 3: Gooday, this is doctor Justin Coulson, the host of Parental Guidance. 9 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,640 Speaker 3: No hang on, the co host and the parenting expert. 10 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:30,319 Speaker 3: I keep giving myself that promotion. Ali is going to 11 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:32,760 Speaker 3: be cranky if she is the podcast. I'm so sorry. 12 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:36,240 Speaker 3: Ali the co host and parenting expert on parental Guidance 13 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:39,720 Speaker 3: and founder of Happy Families dot com dot au. It's Friday. 14 00:00:40,159 --> 00:00:44,440 Speaker 3: Hello Kylie, my wife, mum to our six kids. Hey, Sikoh, 15 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:47,959 Speaker 3: I can't believe I'm only a little bit allurgy ish 16 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:51,760 Speaker 3: because of you. I'm just saying. And we haven't even kissed. 17 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:55,000 Speaker 3: It's just living in the same house. This stuffs contagious 18 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,400 Speaker 3: for those of you who are worried. No, we don't 19 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,440 Speaker 3: have COVID. We've just got one of those old fashioned 20 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:04,000 Speaker 3: colds that's sometimes go around. And thanks to Kylie, well, 21 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,440 Speaker 3: it looks like we're hearing we're going to have a 22 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,480 Speaker 3: quiet weekend this weekend while we all get our immune 23 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:12,920 Speaker 3: systems back on track and drink and swallow and chew 24 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:16,120 Speaker 3: acinasia and vitamin CEA tablets up the wa zoo because 25 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:17,959 Speaker 3: we just can't get enough of it. Hey, if you're 26 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,760 Speaker 3: new to the podcast, Every Friday, and by the way, welcome, 27 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,600 Speaker 3: Thank you so much for choosing our podcast. Thank you 28 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:26,600 Speaker 3: for listening. We have got an extraordinary number of new 29 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:30,240 Speaker 3: podcast listeners. Every Friday, we do this episode that we 30 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:32,039 Speaker 3: call I'll Do Better Tomorrow. The idea is that we 31 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 3: reflect and review, really get intentional about the week that was, 32 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:38,800 Speaker 3: so that we can be better parents tomorrow next week 33 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:43,320 Speaker 3: moving forward, we share a story each, an insight each, 34 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:46,680 Speaker 3: and what we've discovered about our parenting as we've reflected 35 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,520 Speaker 3: on the week that was. So Kylie, would you like 36 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,000 Speaker 3: to go first, ladies before gentlemen, or should I go first? Today? 37 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:52,960 Speaker 2: I can go first. 38 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:53,600 Speaker 3: Let's hear it. 39 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:57,240 Speaker 2: Well, I had a really interesting experience this week. I've 40 00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:00,160 Speaker 2: spent a lot of my life living in what I 41 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:04,720 Speaker 2: would call emotional overwhelm, and so I often find myself 42 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,680 Speaker 2: feeling really cranky and frustrated a lot of the time. 43 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:08,680 Speaker 2: Why are you smiling at me. 44 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:14,080 Speaker 3: Well, this is an incredible insight that you've had. Are 45 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:15,920 Speaker 3: you sharing it publicly? You haven't even told me that 46 00:02:15,919 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 3: you've had this insight, and. 47 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:19,519 Speaker 2: So I've actually been working with a coach. 48 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,640 Speaker 3: I want to pause for just a second. You're not 49 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:25,079 Speaker 3: a cranky person, not by any stretch, but I will 50 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,640 Speaker 3: agree that from time to time, your initial response to 51 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:32,600 Speaker 3: a situation is one where, oh, no catastrophe, and I've 52 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,000 Speaker 3: got to be crankier. I've got to deal with the threat. 53 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:37,760 Speaker 3: So it's a really great insight. I'm so glad that 54 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,480 Speaker 3: you've shared that. So you've been working with a coach. 55 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,560 Speaker 2: I have been working with a coach to kind of 56 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:45,720 Speaker 2: just start to work out how I can better process 57 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:51,960 Speaker 2: the different emotions, because I think in my emotional vocab, 58 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,680 Speaker 2: I probably have like three emotions. It's either elated and 59 00:02:55,760 --> 00:03:00,600 Speaker 2: happy or I am just mad or sad. I think 60 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:01,919 Speaker 2: they are my three emotions. 61 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,720 Speaker 3: I think that you've got a much broader emotional repertoire. 62 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:07,520 Speaker 3: But it's interesting that you think that. I want to 63 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,560 Speaker 3: interrupt and just highlight something really important here. We've been 64 00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:14,720 Speaker 3: married for twenty million, getting dangerously close to twenty five 65 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,960 Speaker 3: years now, married in the late dangerous well, wonderfully, wonderfully 66 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:21,680 Speaker 3: close to two. We've been married since the late nineteen nineties, 67 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:25,240 Speaker 3: and we've never really done anything like the whole life 68 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,360 Speaker 3: coaching thing. But this is something that you decided that 69 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:32,080 Speaker 3: you wanted to do and I've watched the way you're 70 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,040 Speaker 3: I'm going to call it in a work is changing 71 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:37,840 Speaker 3: the way that you think and the way that you respond, 72 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 3: and it's really exciting. So tell us more about this 73 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,080 Speaker 3: emotional inside that you've had. 74 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:47,000 Speaker 2: Well, with so many moving parts in any given day, 75 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:49,520 Speaker 2: I kind of I'm just I'm on the go all 76 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:53,000 Speaker 2: the time and often don't allow myself to take I 77 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,080 Speaker 2: guess a little bit of a chill pill every now 78 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,160 Speaker 2: and again so that I can start to process some 79 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,600 Speaker 2: of the emotions that I'm feeling, or you know, just 80 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:03,560 Speaker 2: actually thinking through the scenarios that have happened in my 81 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 2: day and what it is I actually am feeling about them, 82 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 2: because it's just this overwhelming feeling of overwhelming. 83 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:13,480 Speaker 3: And six kids will do that right Like it's busy, 84 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:15,400 Speaker 3: there's stuff going on all the time. 85 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,240 Speaker 2: And this week I noticed that one of our children 86 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:24,520 Speaker 2: has a tendency to just get angry at everything, and 87 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,480 Speaker 2: I wondered whether or not that's exactly how she's feeling. 88 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 2: And so I actually took her aside one day and 89 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,520 Speaker 2: we spent some time on the bed together, having a 90 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,760 Speaker 2: little snuggle and a cuddle, and we talked about things, 91 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,400 Speaker 2: and I said to her, you know what, I've started 92 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,680 Speaker 2: doing something and I think it will really help you. 93 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:43,480 Speaker 2: I said, I want you to spend the next three 94 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 2: minutes just writing. So get a clean piece of paper, 95 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,440 Speaker 2: and I said, I just I don't want you to 96 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,440 Speaker 2: think about what you're writing. I don't care if it's 97 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:53,960 Speaker 2: got spelling mistakes or if there's punctuation. I just want 98 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:57,040 Speaker 2: you to write whatever you're thinking about right now and 99 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,680 Speaker 2: just put it all on paper. And I said, I'm 100 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,360 Speaker 2: just gonna I go put my makeup on because I've 101 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:02,880 Speaker 2: got to go out today, So I'm going to go 102 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,520 Speaker 2: put my makeup on and I'll just leave you so 103 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,720 Speaker 2: you've got some space to just write. She kind of 104 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:10,120 Speaker 2: looked at me, like, what what have I got to write? 105 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:11,920 Speaker 2: And I said, I just want you to write what's 106 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,480 Speaker 2: in your head. So I walked off and I kind 107 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,240 Speaker 2: of checked my watch, and I came back a few 108 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:21,520 Speaker 2: minutes later and honestly, she was like possessed. I was 109 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,240 Speaker 2: watching her. The pen was like skimming the page. She 110 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:27,240 Speaker 2: was writing so fast, and I said, are you done yet? 111 00:05:27,279 --> 00:05:27,640 Speaker 1: And she can't. 112 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 2: She didn't even lift her head. She just kept writing. 113 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:31,839 Speaker 2: And I said, okay, I'll give you another few minutes, 114 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:35,719 Speaker 2: and I walked away. She felt about five pages, I've 115 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:39,640 Speaker 2: just her thoughts and it all came spilling out onto 116 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,560 Speaker 2: the page and I didn't get to read that that 117 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,000 Speaker 2: was hers. But we're able to kind of just talk 118 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:49,239 Speaker 2: about that process, because what happens when it's all stuck 119 00:05:49,279 --> 00:05:52,839 Speaker 2: in our head is that we actually can't process it 120 00:05:52,839 --> 00:05:55,960 Speaker 2: because there's so many conflicting thoughts and it just keeps. 121 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 3: On going around and around, round and around and round 122 00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,440 Speaker 3: and around round and confusing us and frustrating this and 123 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:00,400 Speaker 3: making this feel like world. 124 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:02,719 Speaker 2: Yes, and so she was able to do that. And 125 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:05,159 Speaker 2: so I said, if you could just pick one emotion 126 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:07,800 Speaker 2: that you're feeling out of all of the things that 127 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,400 Speaker 2: you've written down, what's one thing you're feeling right now? 128 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,160 Speaker 2: And she just couldn't say the word, and I said, 129 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:14,760 Speaker 2: why don't you just write it down on the page. 130 00:06:15,279 --> 00:06:17,039 Speaker 2: So she wrote down what she was feeling, And I said, 131 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 2: and if you could pick one thought that helps you 132 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:23,640 Speaker 2: to feel that feeling or makes you know that feeling 133 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,000 Speaker 2: more apparent, what is it? She was able to write 134 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,880 Speaker 2: her thought down and we were able to talk about 135 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:32,800 Speaker 2: that and acknowledge that our thoughts actually create the feelings 136 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:37,000 Speaker 2: we have and then create the actions that we do 137 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:41,160 Speaker 2: or take as a response to those feelings. And if 138 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 2: I don't want to feel this anymore, what can I think? 139 00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:47,279 Speaker 2: What can I think to help me feel what I want? 140 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:50,520 Speaker 2: And it was such it was so powerful as we 141 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,039 Speaker 2: sat there and we looked at and she kind of 142 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,880 Speaker 2: just looked at me like I can do that, Like, yes, 143 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,400 Speaker 2: yes you can. And so every day since then, we've 144 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:02,440 Speaker 2: just had these conversations where I get to ask her, 145 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,760 Speaker 2: what do you want to think right now? What do 146 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:09,120 Speaker 2: you want to feel right now? Let's work on our 147 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:12,520 Speaker 2: thoughts together, And it's just it's been such a powerful moment. 148 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,400 Speaker 3: I love that. Can I can I get a bit 149 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:15,120 Speaker 3: sciency on you? 150 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:15,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'd love you to. 151 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:20,000 Speaker 3: Actually, I want to get philosophical first. Epictetus said, people 152 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,560 Speaker 3: are not disturbed by things, but by the view they 153 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,040 Speaker 3: take of them, which is really kind of where you're 154 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,320 Speaker 3: going here, stuff happens, what are you going to think 155 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:31,200 Speaker 3: about that thing? Allow that to dictate where you go 156 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,360 Speaker 3: and it can either end up for better or for worse, 157 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,800 Speaker 3: and it ties in with this ABC model. It's a 158 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 3: cognitive model that has been used by psychologists for decades 159 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,440 Speaker 3: now to help us to understand what's going on with 160 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:47,560 Speaker 3: our thinking. And what the ABC model is based about 161 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,400 Speaker 3: is so we've got A for adversity, we've got B 162 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,840 Speaker 3: for beliefs, and we've got C for consequences. So basically, 163 00:07:54,440 --> 00:08:00,440 Speaker 3: when bad things happens, that's the adversity, something challenging, something horrible, 164 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:05,520 Speaker 3: something difficult. And then what normally happens is in our 165 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,239 Speaker 3: child's mind and even in our minds, we completely skip 166 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,440 Speaker 3: the B the belief that we have about the adversity, 167 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,440 Speaker 3: and we go straight to the C, straight to the consequences. 168 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:18,560 Speaker 3: So something bad happens, and boom the consequences that I 169 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,720 Speaker 3: lash out or that I'm angry, or that I feel 170 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:22,800 Speaker 3: like I'm not good enough or something like that. And 171 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,920 Speaker 3: what you're really doing is you're saying, let's just focus 172 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,800 Speaker 3: on the thinking. What's the belief when this stuff happens? 173 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,360 Speaker 3: What do you believe about it, because what you believe 174 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,319 Speaker 3: about it is going to determine how you act. It's 175 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:35,760 Speaker 3: just that the belief thing happens invisibly. It happens so quickly, 176 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,560 Speaker 3: it happens without any conscious awareness that this is what 177 00:08:38,679 --> 00:08:42,920 Speaker 3: I believe. And if we can work on what we're thinking, 178 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,800 Speaker 3: then we can change the actions that we take as 179 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,480 Speaker 3: a result of those thoughts that had previously been invisible. 180 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:53,080 Speaker 3: Am I summarizing what you're describing the right way? 181 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,280 Speaker 2: Yeah? 182 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,960 Speaker 3: The ABC model, it's the same as the life coaching 183 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 3: model that you've been working on. I actually write about 184 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:00,880 Speaker 3: it in a lot of d tail in my book 185 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,319 Speaker 3: Nine Ways to a Resilient Child, there's a whole chapter 186 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 3: about stinking thinking. And so what I'll do better Tomorrow 187 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,960 Speaker 3: is really about is saying that you've worked on one 188 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,280 Speaker 3: of our kids stinking thinking. 189 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 2: I think the most powerful moment in that was just 190 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:18,959 Speaker 2: allowing her the permission, yeah, to give herself the permission 191 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:22,240 Speaker 2: to just write it all out, because sometimes there are 192 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,400 Speaker 2: things in our head we just we can't even speak, 193 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:28,880 Speaker 2: we can't we can't utter, and the power that we 194 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:32,000 Speaker 2: can find and just putting it down on paper means 195 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:35,120 Speaker 2: that it's Actually it's almost like it's not ours. We 196 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:36,760 Speaker 2: can see it from a different perspective. 197 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:39,320 Speaker 3: Yeah, it creates that psychological distance. I think this is 198 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,320 Speaker 3: one of the reasons that journaling is such a powerful 199 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,400 Speaker 3: psychological intervention. Once we get to get it out of 200 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,960 Speaker 3: our brain and on paper, we can process it differently. 201 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,880 Speaker 3: What a great I'll do better tomorrow. Maybe we should 202 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:50,560 Speaker 3: do that more often. 203 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,800 Speaker 2: Not just with that child, but I think that this 204 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,680 Speaker 2: will become a regular Right now. 205 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:58,560 Speaker 3: That's the start of something new. I like it. Up next, 206 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,400 Speaker 3: we're going to find out how I absolutely nailed it 207 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,920 Speaker 3: for the first time in weeks with a child who 208 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,600 Speaker 3: has been a little bit challenging. 209 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,839 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's podcast for. 210 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:12,480 Speaker 2: A happier family. Try a Happy Families membership, because a 211 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:16,520 Speaker 2: happy family doesn't just happen. Details at happy families dot 212 00:10:16,559 --> 00:10:20,560 Speaker 2: com dot au. It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast 213 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,040 Speaker 2: for a time poor parent who just wants answers. Now 214 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:27,360 Speaker 2: and you've prompted it. You said you've nailed it this week, 215 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,079 Speaker 2: let's hear it. What have you done so Over the 216 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:30,880 Speaker 2: last few years. 217 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,920 Speaker 3: Our youngest daughter, Miss Emily, who is seven, has made 218 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,160 Speaker 3: it really, really clear that she doesn't want me involved 219 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,800 Speaker 3: in the nighttime routine. She wants you to put it 220 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,080 Speaker 3: to bed, she wants you to read it the story, 221 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,480 Speaker 3: she wants you to do the whole nighttime thing. But 222 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,120 Speaker 3: with you not being particularly well over the last few 223 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,600 Speaker 3: nights and being a little bit kind of just overwhelmed 224 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,280 Speaker 3: and wiped out, well, let's just say that she's been 225 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,640 Speaker 3: a little bit more rambunctious than normal, a bit harder 226 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:53,920 Speaker 3: to put to bed than normal. 227 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,600 Speaker 2: The TV show on late nights hasn't had anything. 228 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,280 Speaker 3: To do with that. Watching parental guidance has definitely not 229 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,920 Speaker 3: helped her with her bedtime routine. But it hasn't held 230 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,040 Speaker 3: you either, because you've been tired and not feeling well 231 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,880 Speaker 3: and sort of stumbled upstairs when the show finishes at 232 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,959 Speaker 3: like eight forty five or nine o'clock. And for somebody 233 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,240 Speaker 3: as old as us, that's that's a late night, right. 234 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:12,760 Speaker 2: You got to pull out the walking stick next. 235 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:14,920 Speaker 3: I think that you might need it. I don't know. 236 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:19,040 Speaker 3: So I heard you trying to put it in to 237 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,400 Speaker 3: bed the other night, and it wasn't going very well. 238 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,280 Speaker 3: It was apparent immediately that she was bouncing around, up 239 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,200 Speaker 3: and down, And the next thing I knew you were 240 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,360 Speaker 3: in bed, and I was like, hang on, this child, 241 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,320 Speaker 3: it's like nine to fifteen and she's still running around 242 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:32,680 Speaker 3: the house like it's the middle of the day. What's 243 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,400 Speaker 3: going on. And I can't remember exactly what your response was. 244 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:39,480 Speaker 3: It was something like, ugh, like you had nothing, and 245 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,600 Speaker 3: I said, don't worry, I'll look after this. I think 246 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,839 Speaker 3: you started to get up. You were going to go 247 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:44,800 Speaker 3: and look over and no, no, I've got this. I've got this. 248 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,520 Speaker 3: I've been ages since she's let me put it down. 249 00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:48,800 Speaker 3: I'm going to do it. I knew from the outset 250 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,720 Speaker 3: that I had to get this right. I could hear 251 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:53,040 Speaker 3: her running up and down the corridor and shouting at 252 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,760 Speaker 3: her sisters, and she was having a she was in 253 00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:57,240 Speaker 3: a good mood, but she clearly did not want to 254 00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 3: go to bed. And I remember my approach. I was 255 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:06,800 Speaker 3: so intentional with my approach. So my typical response would be, Hey, 256 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:08,439 Speaker 3: it's time to go to bed, and I'll sort of 257 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,360 Speaker 3: stump down the horn and say that's it. I'm being 258 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:12,320 Speaker 3: the puffer fish pair and I'm making myself as big 259 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,240 Speaker 3: and scary as I can so that I'll just intimidate 260 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,400 Speaker 3: her into climbing into bed. Obviously I might be embellishing 261 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,480 Speaker 3: that a little bit, but that's that's kind of a 262 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:24,360 Speaker 3: standard parenting response, right, like I've told you yes and 263 00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:27,520 Speaker 3: go to bed. So I was really intentional to not 264 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:31,200 Speaker 3: do anything like that. Instead, my intention was I need 265 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:35,760 Speaker 3: to make her feel completely safe and and I was 266 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:37,480 Speaker 3: gonna say sub jude, but that's not the right word. 267 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,840 Speaker 3: I wanted her to feel like her energy didn't have 268 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:44,040 Speaker 3: to be overly high because mine was soft and gentle. 269 00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:46,160 Speaker 3: And as I walked towards her, she saw me and 270 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,000 Speaker 3: I said, do I get to have big nighttime huggies? 271 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,440 Speaker 3: And she came and gave me a great, big hug. 272 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:53,640 Speaker 3: She was bouncing like full of beans. I said, it's 273 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:57,720 Speaker 3: time for bed, let's go on hug. So she climbed 274 00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,240 Speaker 3: into bed and I said, do you mind if I 275 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,800 Speaker 3: lay down on the bed next to you? And she 276 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:05,320 Speaker 3: rolled over and I said, it's been ages since I 277 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:07,199 Speaker 3: got to put you to bed, and this feels so special. 278 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,360 Speaker 3: Thank you. Can I sing you a couple of songs? 279 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:14,040 Speaker 3: And she said, if you want to, so with my 280 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:17,200 Speaker 3: not very with it voice. Thanks to somebody who gave 281 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:20,360 Speaker 3: me a cold the other day, I sang her two 282 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:22,960 Speaker 3: or three songs and we hugged. 283 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,920 Speaker 2: Did she ask you what songs you were trying to sing? 284 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:28,160 Speaker 3: Yeah, a couple of times, and then she was like, dirty, 285 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:29,559 Speaker 3: I need this. I need to close the door. And 286 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:31,680 Speaker 3: instead of me saying no, you stay there, stay still, 287 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,600 Speaker 3: I just said, Okay, that's fine, close the door and 288 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:34,800 Speaker 3: come and hug me. And she wanted to get up 289 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:36,240 Speaker 3: two or three times, and so she did. She got 290 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,320 Speaker 3: out of bed and hop back into bed and each time, 291 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:42,800 Speaker 3: no pressure, no hassle, totally calm. It was just bliss. 292 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,640 Speaker 3: And after about three minutes of the completion of my 293 00:13:46,679 --> 00:13:48,360 Speaker 3: final I'm going to say it was a song. It 294 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:49,640 Speaker 3: wasn't much of a song, but I'm going to say 295 00:13:49,679 --> 00:13:53,600 Speaker 3: it was a song. This kid was out to it, 296 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,520 Speaker 3: and I thought, this is how we do it. Soft 297 00:13:57,640 --> 00:14:02,080 Speaker 3: gentle empathy, understand and in compassion. I know I teach 298 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:04,120 Speaker 3: this stuff, but every now and again I kind of 299 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,360 Speaker 3: forget because I'm tired, or I'm cranky, or because you're 300 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:07,640 Speaker 3: doing it. N'm out of practice. 301 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,559 Speaker 2: And this is where you can thank me for facilitating 302 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,000 Speaker 2: the opportunity for you to spend time with your daughter 303 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,439 Speaker 2: in the bedtime routine. Are you not so much out 304 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,600 Speaker 2: of practice anymore, are you. 305 00:14:16,679 --> 00:14:18,360 Speaker 3: I'm just saying that it was literally one of the 306 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:22,040 Speaker 3: highlights of my week, and it all happened because setting 307 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:26,040 Speaker 3: the intention of the outset. It set us up for 308 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:31,080 Speaker 3: a successful experience together. High five doctor co Yeah heck yeah. 309 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:34,600 Speaker 3: So we really hope that these ideas, these take home messages, 310 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,920 Speaker 3: sitting down with the kids, working through what are the 311 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:40,360 Speaker 3: beliefs that you've got, what are the ideas that are 312 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,240 Speaker 3: leading to the outcomes that you're experiencing. Having those conversations 313 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:46,720 Speaker 3: can be really powerful, and setting the intention with every interaction, 314 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,120 Speaker 3: whether it's a sleep time interaction or anything else, can 315 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,760 Speaker 3: make a huge difference in how happy your family feels. 316 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,200 Speaker 3: We'd love to hear about how you're doing better as 317 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:58,120 Speaker 3: a result of I'll do better tomorrow. What intentional things 318 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,840 Speaker 3: are you doing? What reflections are you having? Email us 319 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:04,600 Speaker 3: podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot a you. We 320 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,520 Speaker 3: would love to hear your stories and also your questions. 321 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:09,800 Speaker 3: We'll be back to answering your questions every Tuesday in 322 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,280 Speaker 3: a couple of weeks. If you've been enjoying the podcast, 323 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,040 Speaker 3: please jump onto Apple Podcasts and leave a five star 324 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,040 Speaker 3: rating and review. Apparently I mean, I don't actually have 325 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,800 Speaker 3: any evidence of it, but I hear everybody else say 326 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:23,400 Speaker 3: it on their podcasts. Apparently, if you do that, the 327 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:27,480 Speaker 3: Apple algorithm bumps our podcast up in other people's feeds, 328 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:29,240 Speaker 3: which means that they're more likely to discover it, which 329 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 3: means that they're more likely to make their families happier. 330 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,560 Speaker 3: So if you love it, please take a minute, literally 331 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,760 Speaker 3: only takes that long. Leave us a review, let us 332 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,320 Speaker 3: know how much you're enjoying the podcast. As always, the 333 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:41,120 Speaker 3: Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. 334 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:43,440 Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer, and if you'd like 335 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:47,080 Speaker 3: more info about making your family happier, you can find 336 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,200 Speaker 3: it at happy families dot com dot A. You have 337 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:50,880 Speaker 3: a great weekend.