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Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Kilson,

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Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie our husband and wife radio team

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Speaker 1: with three young boys. This is the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants some answers.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 3: I constantly find myself getting angry with my kids, going

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Speaker 3: oh no, I've got to stop or otherwise I'll have

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Speaker 3: to confess this to Justin. I can't do it.

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Speaker 2: He's in my head everything.

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Speaker 3: Yes, I'm getting I'm getting mad too quickly, he joins

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Speaker 3: us to talk about that topic right now, Doctor Justinkilson.

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Speaker 2: Hello, I'm waiting for us to give me father for

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Speaker 2: I've seen I confessional all.

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Speaker 3: You feel that way.

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Speaker 1: I love the phrasing of this because we're talking about

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Speaker 1: turning anger around. And I really like it because at

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Speaker 1: my kids prep class, they talk about turning their choices around,

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Speaker 1: and so if they make a bad choice, they've got

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Speaker 1: to turn their choices around and make a good choice.

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Speaker 1: So I like I like the phrasing of it. It

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Speaker 1: works for me. It's consistent with my life.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm really I'm really pleased that we're tapping into

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Speaker 2: that for you. I think that there's I think that

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Speaker 2: there's some pretty strong some pretty strong biblical reasons for

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Speaker 2: us to step away from anger. I like how it

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Speaker 2: says in Matthew chapter five that who is angry with

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Speaker 2: his brother will be in danger of the judgment. Jesus

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Speaker 2: says that we're not supposed to be angry. The really

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Speaker 2: interesting thing there is it says without a cause, who

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Speaker 2: was angry without a cause will be in danger of it.

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Speaker 2: But if we look at earlier, earlier translations of the scriptures,

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Speaker 2: we find that that was incertain by someone who obviously

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Speaker 2: had a problem with what Jesus said. Well, surely there's

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Speaker 2: a reason every now and again, but there is no

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Speaker 2: There is no cause. Jesus teaching is quite clearly we

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Speaker 2: should not be angry with our brother or with our child.

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Speaker 2: And if you look at what Paul said, we're supposed

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Speaker 2: to raise our children with nurture and with love, and

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Speaker 2: there's so many scriptures that tell us the fruits of

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Speaker 2: the spirit. Anger is not one of the fruits of

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Speaker 2: the spirit. If we're raising our children with the spirit

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Speaker 2: guiding us, we shouldn't be angry at them, even when

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Speaker 2: they challenge us and do stuff that is wrong.

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Speaker 3: So we understand that being angry with our kids is

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Speaker 3: not what we want to do. Although sometimes they do

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Speaker 3: things which infuriate us, they give us reason. So how

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Speaker 3: do we turn it around?

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Speaker 2: Though?

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Speaker 3: Because we know it's not how we want to act,

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Speaker 3: what we say and what we do when we're angry,

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Speaker 3: is not the parents that we want to be. How

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Speaker 3: do we turn it around?

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Speaker 2: Me? Let me give you four solutions. Here's my first one.

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Speaker 2: Pretend that your Aunt Mary, Because you know how Aunt

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Speaker 2: Mary never gets cranky at the kids. She always finds

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Speaker 2: a way to be kind and to smile at them

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Speaker 2: when they do that thing. And you know aunt Mary

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Speaker 2: actually loves the one who is the biggest challenge. She'll say,

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Speaker 2: I'm allowed to have a favorite, and that one is

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Speaker 2: my favorite, even though that's the one that you just go,

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Speaker 2: oh my goodness, this kid is killing me. Pretend that

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Speaker 2: your Aunt Mary just just be her for a moment

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Speaker 2: when your child's challenging you, or if that's not going

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Speaker 2: to work for you, Pretend that the child who is

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Speaker 2: challenging you is one of your neighbor's children and your

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Speaker 2: can't send them home.

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Speaker 3: Yes, yes, we are calmer with them, aren't we. Hey,

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Speaker 3: But just back to the ut Mary thing for a second.

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Speaker 3: Am I allowed to actually have an Aunt Mary costume.

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Speaker 2: You know what, if Susie's okay with that and you

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Speaker 2: feel comfortable with that and the stockings don't get caught

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Speaker 2: in your leg hairs, then you get dressed up as

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Speaker 2: Aun't Mary and walk up. In fact, that's a really

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Speaker 2: nice way to sort of segue into my second idea.

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Speaker 1: Well, let's get that segue underway. Up next, as we're

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Speaker 1: talking about turning your anger around. It is The Happy

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Speaker 1: Family's Podcast with doctor Justin Colson.

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Speaker 4: More Next, everyone wants their family to be happy, but

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Speaker 4: so much gets in the way. Work, stress, commitments, and

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Speaker 4: our children's challenging behavior are some of the usual suspects,

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Speaker 4: and we can all tidy up our parenting style and

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Speaker 4: get clearer about what we'll actually make our family happier.

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Speaker 4: Twenty one Days to a Happier Family is the best

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Speaker 4: selling parenting book by doctor Justin Coulson, with answers to

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Speaker 4: both common and complicated parenting problems. Combining cutting edge scientific

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Speaker 4: insights with real examples of family life in the trenches,

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Speaker 4: you'll find dozens of strategies for making your family happier.

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Speaker 4: Twenty one Days to a Happier Family available online and

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Speaker 4: from booksellers everywhere and at Happy families dot com dot au.

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Speaker 1: It's a Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, and

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Speaker 1: today we are talking about turning your anger around. You

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Speaker 1: have four solutions for us, Justin the first one you've

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Speaker 1: given us is to pretend that we are Aunt Mary

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Speaker 1: point number two.

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Speaker 2: My second idea is that we need to use humor more.

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Speaker 2: You know, those challenging situations when we're getting really really stressed.

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Speaker 2: Humour can be the most wonderful way to reduce the

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Speaker 2: stress and take away the anger. I'll give you an example.

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Speaker 2: A couple of mornings ago, my children were going crazy.

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Speaker 2: Things were not good, and one of them did something

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Speaker 2: that was particularly upsetting, really really bad, and I just

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Speaker 2: felt in my soul I was about to explode and

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Speaker 2: take it out on this child. And we were in

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Speaker 2: the kitchen. I grabbed you know the dish washing gloves

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Speaker 2: near the rubber gloves that you used for the dishes,

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Speaker 2: or once upon a time before we had dishwashers, we

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Speaker 2: used them. There was one of those on the bench.

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Speaker 2: I picked it up and I stretched in my hands.

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Speaker 2: I was thinking I was going to hurt her with it,

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Speaker 2: and I had an idea, so I stretched it even

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Speaker 2: more and I pulled it over my head, pulled it

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Speaker 2: down over my eyes until it covered my nose. I

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Speaker 2: put my hands on my ears so that the glove

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Speaker 2: was really attached to my head, very firmly, and then

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Speaker 2: I said, I'm so angry. I think I'm going to explode.

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Speaker 2: And then I breathed out through my nose. And I

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Speaker 2: kept on breathing Instagram out and out through my nose,

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Speaker 2: and the glove was getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

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Speaker 2: And I said, you know, by now, this glove is

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Speaker 2: so big that if anybody's nearby, they're going to get

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Speaker 2: hammered with this. And we turned it into this great,

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Speaker 2: big joke, and eventually the glove exploded in the kitchen,

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Speaker 2: and then I looked at the kids and I said, oh,

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Speaker 2: I shouldn't do that before blowing unless I've blown my

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Speaker 2: nose next time. I thought it was the funniest, most

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Speaker 2: disgusting thing ever, but it completely changed the situation. I

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Speaker 2: remember one time I was arguing with one of my

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Speaker 2: siblings and my mum made us lay down and stare

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Speaker 2: at the ceiling. We're not allowed to look at each other.

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Speaker 2: We had to argue with each other while staring at

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Speaker 2: the ceiling. We ended up in stitches. A good friend

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Speaker 2: of mine, his daughter was on her l plates. She

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Speaker 2: missed a corner completely and she ended up crashing into

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Speaker 2: the bottom of a sign at a petrol station, you know,

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Speaker 2: the big sort of VP shel whatever Caltech sign. She

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Speaker 2: just crashed into the bottom of this sign. The whole

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Speaker 2: family was in the car. This friend of mine, he

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Speaker 2: looked at his daughter, and then he looked at everyone

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Speaker 2: in the back seat of the car, and then he

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Speaker 2: smiled and said, well, while we're here, does anyone need

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Speaker 2: anything to eat.

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Speaker 4: And use?

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Speaker 2: When we use humor to diffuse anger. When we use humor,

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Speaker 2: what we do is we take all the tension out

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Speaker 2: of the situation. We calm everybody down instantly, and then

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Speaker 2: we'd say, all right, do we really need to talk

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Speaker 2: about this off? When we just moved on and make

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Speaker 2: our families what they're supposed to be, it's a wonderful

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Speaker 2: way to turn away from anger.

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Speaker 3: When you're the one feeling a little bit too irritated

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Speaker 3: and angry, it's not necessarily natural for you to be

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Speaker 3: funny at that particular point in time. How do you

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Speaker 3: suddenly get your funny jeans out.

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Speaker 2: Well, that's where we sort of probably move on to

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Speaker 2: the next idea, and that is that when we're starting

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Speaker 2: to get upset, I have a mantra that I repeat

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Speaker 2: again and again and again. I'm going to be calm

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Speaker 2: and kind. I'm going to be calm and kind. I'm

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Speaker 2: going to be calm and kind. I just keep saying

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Speaker 2: it until I can be calm and kind. And as

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Speaker 2: we can soothe ourselves, as we can regulate our own emotions,

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Speaker 2: we can actually find funny things to do. I'll pull

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Speaker 2: out just an old joke, or I'll go to tickle somebody,

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Speaker 2: or I'll I don't know, just do something when the

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Speaker 2: kids aren't cleaning up their room. Sometimes I'll just I'll

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Speaker 2: put on an accent and I'll become Colonel Clink from

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Speaker 2: Starlag the Heroes, and the accent comes out, and all

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Speaker 2: of a sudden, the kids think that it's fun and funny.

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Speaker 2: You know, when when things aren't working right, we can

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Speaker 2: use some music to change things. Not be angry music,

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Speaker 2: but some fun music and get everybody in a great

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Speaker 2: mood by putting on everyone's favorite song. These are just

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Speaker 2: some really simple strategies to turn away anger. You know,

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Speaker 2: I think that the best one of all. It's a

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Speaker 2: hard one, but the best one of all is when

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Speaker 2: our kids are ticking us off, instead of getting furious,

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Speaker 2: we should get curious.

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Speaker 3: Not only good what sounds wise, but right.

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Speaker 2: That's right? Yeah, yeah, we should understand, not reprimand do

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Speaker 2: you like that?

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Speaker 1: Ohing them? Come on?

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Speaker 2: But what happens here is I mean, our children don't

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Speaker 2: wake up in the morning and think, how can I

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Speaker 2: make life horrible for my parents? They just they might

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Speaker 2: be having a hard time, and if they're challenging us,

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Speaker 2: it's not necessary for us to get mad. We just

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Speaker 2: need to work out what's going on in their lives

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Speaker 2: and then see if we can help them to solve

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Speaker 2: those needs that are now not being met.

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Speaker 3: Well, Dr Justin Pilson from Happy Families dot Com, you

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Speaker 3: thank you so much for your time, and.

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Speaker 5: Don't don't get furious, get curious, don't reprimand no premand understart.

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Speaker 1: I was getting there.

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Speaker 2: Why don't you go for a dance.

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Speaker 4: In Thank you, doctor Justin.

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Speaker 1: For more info in all of Justin's books, podcasts, and programs,

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Speaker 1: you can jump online to Happy Families dot com dot

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Speaker 1: are you to find out how to have Justin speak

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Speaker 1: at your school or you can come along to your

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Speaker 1: organization as well. Go to Justin Coilson dot com