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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, we might have our own nerves for our kids

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Speaker 2: going off to school, but unless we can see the

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Speaker 2: world through their eyes, we're never going to be able

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Speaker 2: to give them the empathy and compassion they need.

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Speaker 1: On day one and now here's the scars of our show,

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Speaker 1: my mum and dad.

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Speaker 3: Hello, it's well twenty twenty one.

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Speaker 2: I can't believe we've made it, after everything that last

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Speaker 2: year was and then everything this year is already thrown

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Speaker 2: at us.

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Speaker 3: First podcast back for twenty twenty one. Do we really

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Speaker 3: want to do this? Are you ready for it? Missus

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Speaker 3: Happy Families.

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Speaker 4: Look, I don't want to tempt fate, but I don't

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Speaker 4: think twenty twenty one could throw anything happy right now

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Speaker 4: that would surprise me.

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Speaker 2: There is a meme out there at the moment with

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Speaker 2: a surfer. He's paddling over a wave that says twenty

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Speaker 2: twenty and in the background is this monster wave coming

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Speaker 2: in behind called twenty twenty one. I just who knows

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Speaker 2: what's coming. But I'm excited for the podcast for this year.

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Speaker 2: You and I talk. By the way, my name is

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Speaker 2: doctor Justin Colson. I'm the author of six books about

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Speaker 2: raising Happy Families. You're my wife and co host missus

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Speaker 2: Happy Families, Khylie, mum to our six daughters, and you

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Speaker 2: know this podcast this year is really all about helping

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Speaker 2: families to get through the challenges and trials that are

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Speaker 2: almost guaranteed, right. I mean, even if we do get

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Speaker 2: a vaccine organized for coronavirus, and even if we do

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Speaker 2: start to live lives like we used to before twenty twenty,

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Speaker 2: We're still gonna have challenges.

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Speaker 3: It's still going to be difficult. In fact, some.

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Speaker 2: Challenges are just around the corner for pretty much any

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Speaker 2: parent of a school age child.

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Speaker 4: Well, tonight you're doing a webinar about facing first day fears.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, if you're a Happy Family's member, the webinar is

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Speaker 2: included in your membership. If you're not, you can still

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Speaker 2: grab your tickets. They're thirty bucks. All the details at

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Speaker 2: Happy Families dot com dot au. But yeah, school's just

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Speaker 2: around the corner. New new swimming classes, new tennis lessons,

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Speaker 2: new football, soccer, netball, whatever it might be.

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Speaker 3: It's all about to start and kids start to get worried.

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Speaker 4: Huh, Well, I don't think it's just the kids, right.

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Speaker 2: Well, no, it's right, because, Oh, I can't believe that

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Speaker 2: we didn't talk about this.

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Speaker 3: I've totally forgotten. You've got a first day happening tomorrow.

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Speaker 3: I do. Okay, what's the news. Let everyone in.

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Speaker 4: I have decided this year to go to Tafe.

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Speaker 3: You're going to go back to school.

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Speaker 4: I am going back to school. I haven't been in

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Speaker 4: the school playground for twenty five years as a student.

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Speaker 3: It's been really, it's been that long.

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Speaker 4: It's been that long. And what's so funny about the

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Speaker 4: situation is I'm actually going back to my same campus.

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Speaker 3: Wow.

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Speaker 4: I've got orientation tomorrow, so it's not actually first day

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Speaker 4: of class, but it's orientation. And I'm going to be

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Speaker 4: completely honest, I am quite anxious.

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Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, so I should spill the beans.

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Speaker 2: Kylie's going to go and do a floristry course, not

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Speaker 2: necessarily to become a florist, but just because this is

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Speaker 2: something that you've always loved. Flowers, Yeah yeah, and cutting

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Speaker 2: your hands open with thorns and well, you.

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Speaker 4: Know, there's an old terrier motive. I have six daughters

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Speaker 4: and I I only had one wedding so far. We

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Speaker 4: can save some good go here.

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Speaker 2: Right, mind you, we're going to be pretty busy with

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Speaker 2: all the other stuff going on. I think we're still

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Speaker 2: going to pay a florist anyway.

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Speaker 3: So you've got a first.

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Speaker 2: Day tomorrow and you're feeling a little bit, a little

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Speaker 2: bit cagey about a little bit nervous.

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Speaker 4: I am. You know, I'm going back to obviously, like

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Speaker 4: I said, I'm going back to the same campus. But

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Speaker 4: it's been twenty five years.

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Speaker 3: I have no idea where I am. Where's D Block?

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Speaker 4: I don't know where that is?

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Speaker 3: Had you figure that out?

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Speaker 4: You know that I don't know anybody that I'm going

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Speaker 4: to go with. So I all of a sudden placed

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Speaker 4: in a room with all of this strangers that I

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Speaker 4: you know, I don't. Am I going to make friends there?

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Speaker 5: You know?

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Speaker 4: What am I going to do on my lunch break?

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Speaker 4: Where am I going to find good food to eat? So?

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Speaker 3: Can I just be a normal parent for a sec? Yeah?

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Speaker 2: And I'm not saying this in a horrible way, but

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Speaker 2: most parents with the very best of intentions, when their

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Speaker 2: kids start saying all that stuff, they say.

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Speaker 3: But you'll be right, you'll figure it out. I'm going

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Speaker 3: to be that hard. You'll make friends do you have

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Speaker 3: to have friends? Is it that big of a deal?

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Speaker 4: But I don't know.

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Speaker 3: And this is the thing, isn't it? So I'm and

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Speaker 3: you're not helping.

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Speaker 2: No, of course I'm not because I don't have to go.

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Speaker 2: And I'm looking at you and you're this competent, capable, oneful.

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Speaker 3: Adult that everybody loves. And of course you're going to

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Speaker 3: be fine. I know that. But that doesn't make you

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Speaker 3: feel any better, does it.

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Speaker 4: No, it doesn't.

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Speaker 3: You're still nervous, and you're not actually acting for the

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Speaker 3: podcast like you're actually actually nervous.

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Speaker 2: Yes, And what's important here is that just like you're

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Speaker 2: feeling that way, and with the best of intentions, I'm saying,

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Speaker 2: you know what, honey.

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Speaker 3: You're going to be fine. You're going to be great.

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Speaker 3: Everyone's going to love you. You're such a naturally gifted

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Speaker 3: person with the class.

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Speaker 4: And I walk in the front door and everybody stares

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Speaker 4: at me.

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Speaker 2: And do you think that that's really a big deal,

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Speaker 2: even in your I'm not going to say how old

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Speaker 2: you are, but even in your multiple decades of life, do.

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Speaker 3: You think that's a big deal.

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Speaker 4: My head's swelling just thinking about it. Yes, it's a

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Speaker 4: really big deal.

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Speaker 2: So if you're feeling like that, how do the kids feel?

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Speaker 2: You know, you've got kids going to kinder your preschool,

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Speaker 2: or whatever you call it in your relevant state or territory.

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Speaker 2: They're starting their big school or little school, they're starting

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Speaker 2: high school, they're starting new schools, they're going to swimming

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Speaker 2: lessons or sport or whatever it might be. The feelings

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Speaker 2: that you're having to me don't seem like a big

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Speaker 2: deal because number one, I'm not going to be doing it.

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Speaker 2: Number two, I think you'll be fine because I've seen

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Speaker 2: you deal with challenging situations before, and I know you've

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Speaker 2: got the runs on the board. You're going to be okay.

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Speaker 2: But number three, I'm just not feeling what you feel.

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Speaker 2: And as parents, we don't feel what our kids are feeling.

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Speaker 2: We might have our own nerves for our kids going

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Speaker 2: off to school, but unless we can see the world

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Speaker 2: through their eyes, we're never going to be able to

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Speaker 2: give them the empathy and compassion they need on day

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Speaker 2: one or day two, or day three or week two

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Speaker 2: or week three to get through it feeling supported well.

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Speaker 4: On the other side of the coin, I'm so excited.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a nervous anticipation.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm so excited. I'm excited that I actually will

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Speaker 4: get to meet new people and that I'll get to

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Speaker 4: learn a new skill that I have dabbled in but

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Speaker 4: have never actually learned any proper technique with. I'm excited

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Speaker 4: about being in a space where I get to create

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Speaker 4: and to bring home beautiful flowers. I love the idea

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Speaker 4: of being in a room of flowers. How excited I'm like,

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Speaker 4: I'm really excited, But that doesn't take away from all

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Speaker 4: of the other emotions that I'm feeling. And so I think,

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Speaker 4: you know, it's important to recognize that our kids can

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Speaker 4: feel too opposing emotions in one space.

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Speaker 2: In fact, over the last twenty years, that's been one

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Speaker 2: of the big scientific discoveries is that we don't have

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Speaker 2: our emotions on a continuum from negative to positive. We

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Speaker 2: actually have two continuums, or two continua of emotions. There's

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Speaker 2: a negative emotion continuum and there's a positive emotion continuum,

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Speaker 2: which means that you can have high levels of negative

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Speaker 2: emotion and also high levels of positive emotion at the

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Speaker 2: same time. A first day is a great example of that.

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Speaker 2: Another one would be at a funeral. You can be

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Speaker 2: feeling so much grief and sorrow, and yet so much

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Speaker 2: gratitude and delight for the family who were there to

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Speaker 2: support you, or for the life of the loved one

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Speaker 2: that passed on. So we can have negative and positive

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Speaker 2: emotions the bit around the suite at exactly the same time,

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Speaker 2: and that's what you're describing. A lot of kids are

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Speaker 2: probably dealing with that as well. So let's take a

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Speaker 2: quick break and talk about how we can help our

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Speaker 2: kids and you to calm those first day fears.

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Speaker 4: Sounds good.

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Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 5: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home, Tweens, teens and Screens

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Speaker 5: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.

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Speaker 5: Bye today at happy families dot com dot au slash shop.

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Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 4: poor parent and Justin is giving me some tips on

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Speaker 4: how I can get through day one of school.

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Speaker 3: And how really we direct we can help the kids.

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Speaker 3: It's all about you today, isn't it.

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Speaker 4: So what are some things that we like, some practical

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Speaker 4: steps that we as parents can do to actually help

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Speaker 4: our kids navigate these first day fears?

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Speaker 2: Well tonight the webinar Facing First Day Fears is going

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Speaker 2: to be via zoom and people can participate in that

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Speaker 2: and get a whole lot of answers. I'm actually going

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Speaker 2: to hand you my notes right now and get you

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Speaker 2: to have a quick look at it. And rather than

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Speaker 2: me just rattling off a whole lot of things, why

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Speaker 2: don't you pick one or two things that stand out

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Speaker 2: to you and let's spend a minute or so on

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Speaker 2: each of them to give people a taste for not

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Speaker 2: only what's in the webinar, but how they can support

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Speaker 2: their kids over the next couple of weeks.

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Speaker 3: Because let's face.

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Speaker 2: It, I don't remember exactly the calendar, but half the

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Speaker 2: country goes back to school next week and then on

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Speaker 2: the third of feb the rest of the country goes back,

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Speaker 2: So either late Jan or early Feb for Australian listeners,

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Speaker 2: that's when school goes back. So what stands out to

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Speaker 2: you is you just have a look at the piece

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Speaker 2: of paper that I've given.

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Speaker 4: You Orientation Day. So for most of us, Orientation Day

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Speaker 4: has already happened before the school's broken up.

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Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 2: So ideally late last year kids were able to go

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Speaker 2: to their new school or their new playground or the

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Speaker 2: new classroom and have that experience of settling in or

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Speaker 2: at least becoming familiar with surroundings deal because the more

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Speaker 2: familiar we are with something, the safer we feel with it.

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Speaker 2: In fact, to give you a really simplistic and almost

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Speaker 2: ridiculous example, back when I used to be a radio DJ.

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Speaker 2: When I was on the radio, we used to do

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Speaker 2: music research with our audience, and what we found is

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Speaker 2: that people.

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Speaker 3: Would say, oh, I love new music. New music's the best.

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Speaker 3: They just love new music.

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Speaker 2: Because I was working at one of those hot news

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Speaker 2: stations that play all of the hot new music, but

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Speaker 2: when we would play new music, people would turn off.

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Speaker 3: They didn't like the unfamiliar music.

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Speaker 2: We found that people had to listen to the song

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Speaker 2: at least ten to fifteen times before they would start

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Speaker 2: to say, oh, I really like that song, which meant

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Speaker 2: that we had to spin it at the radio station

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Speaker 2: about one hundred times before people had heard it ten times.

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Speaker 2: What's really going on with our kids and when it

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Speaker 2: comes to school is they need to be familiar with

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Speaker 2: the environment, and when they're familiar with the environment, they

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Speaker 2: start to like the environment.

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Speaker 4: Well, I think that works well as well with routines. Right.

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Speaker 4: So when we moved the kids'.

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Speaker 3: School just last term, yeah, last.

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Speaker 4: Year, Yeah, we decided that we would start writing our bikes.

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Speaker 2: We talked about on the podcast so much the bike

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Speaker 2: riding's about to start again yet we did.

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Speaker 4: But what we actually did was through the holiday period

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Speaker 4: and the lead up to it, we actually started doing

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Speaker 4: that ride with the kids so that they got used

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Speaker 4: to the routine and the feel and you know, just

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Speaker 4: working out.

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Speaker 3: The expectation across the road and all of those things.

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Speaker 4: And that made such a difference to you know, kind

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Speaker 4: of moving in And so when I read that, that's

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Speaker 4: what I thought about, just we're now at the point

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Speaker 4: where orientation days that are run by schools aren't done.

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Speaker 4: So what can we do to kind of help orient

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Speaker 4: our children into you know, this this new routine for

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Speaker 4: some of them, you know, going going to school. Actually

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Speaker 4: start the routine a week or so early, so they

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Speaker 4: get used to waking up at a certain time and

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Speaker 4: what getting dressed looks like.

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Speaker 3: I really recommend it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, But there's also something else that sort of stands

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Speaker 2: out to me as you talk through that, and that

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Speaker 2: is that there's a lot of families who missed orientation

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Speaker 2: last year.

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Speaker 3: Maybe I mean COVID.

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Speaker 2: COVID Hello, But there's been a there's been a huge

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Speaker 2: number of families who have moved. COVID seems to have

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Speaker 2: accelerated people moving house, and so people are in unfamiliar environments.

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Speaker 2: The kids are going to be going to new schools,

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Speaker 2: there's going to be all sorts of new things going on.

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Speaker 3: So I would actually recommend going to the school.

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Speaker 2: Hopefully it doesn't have a huge fence around it. If

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Speaker 2: it does, at this time of year, the gates will

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Speaker 2: usually be open, and i'd actually go into the school

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Speaker 2: and maybe even go into the office with your child

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Speaker 2: and say, hey, you know what we're starting, We just

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Speaker 2: wanted enough we could have a wander around, do a

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Speaker 2: bit of an orientation ourselves, or maybe someone can show

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Speaker 2: us around. Help them to get familiar, reorient them with friends,

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Speaker 2: if you can reach out on social media or via

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Speaker 2: whatever contacts you've got. All these different things that build

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Speaker 2: up familiarity, build up access to what they're going to

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Speaker 2: be doing is going to help them to feel so

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Speaker 2: much more comfortable to face those first day fears.

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Speaker 4: So a couple of things that you were going to

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Speaker 4: talk about tonight are taking the pressure off that first

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Speaker 4: day and being available. And this can be really tricky

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Speaker 4: for parents who are working full time jobs and trying

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Speaker 4: to kind of create routines that flow and lack in

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Speaker 4: pressure and you know, nice cruisy warnings. But the one

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Speaker 4: thing that really jumped out as I was looking through

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Speaker 4: the notes is this idea of emotion coaching. So, how

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Speaker 4: can I utilize emotion coaching in those first dag jitters

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Speaker 4: for my child?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that.

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to go through the whole process now,

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Speaker 2: we just don't have time for that. But emotion coaching

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Speaker 2: really comes down to seeing emotions in your children, being

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Speaker 2: okay with those emotions, helping your kids to recognize the emotion,

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Speaker 2: label it, and then asking them what they need to

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Speaker 2: do now, just just being with them, being present. We

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Speaker 2: don't actually have to give them answers, we don't have

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Speaker 2: to work things out, We just need to be there.

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Speaker 2: I was actually thinking as you were talking about that.

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Speaker 2: You know, it's the end of the first day. Let's

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Speaker 2: take the pressure off there, especially, get take out, do

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Speaker 2: whatever you can to make it a really relaxing night.

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Speaker 2: But when you say to your child, how is school today,

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Speaker 2: there is a chance that they're going to say, or

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Speaker 2: they might even say it was the worst day ever.

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Speaker 2: And that's when the emotion coaching really comes in. That's

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Speaker 2: when you say, oh, wow, it sounds like you had

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Speaker 2: to rough day. Do you want to talk about it?

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Speaker 2: And they might say yes, they might say no. And

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Speaker 2: if they say no, say okay, well when you're ready,

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Speaker 2: I'm here and.

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Speaker 3: Just let it be. If they say yes, listen but

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Speaker 3: don't fix just listen, say wow, that sounds like it

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Speaker 3: was tricky. What do you think you can do tomorrow?

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Speaker 3: How can I help you?

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Speaker 2: Those kinds of gentle conversations are going to help you

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Speaker 2: to have a much more successful experience with the kids

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Speaker 2: and also help them feel empowered to make tomorrow better.

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Speaker 4: So when's the right time to have that kind of conversation?

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Speaker 4: Because I notice sometimes, you know, when we get home

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Speaker 4: and I ask that question as soon as we walk

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Speaker 4: in the door, or even as they get in the car.

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Speaker 3: I've got I don't get on the bike because we're riding.

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Speaker 4: I don't get any response from them, you know, like

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Speaker 4: they're done. Their brain seems to be toasted from the

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Speaker 4: day at school and they're just they're over it. So

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Speaker 4: when would be the best time for me to ask

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Speaker 4: those kinds of questions.

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Speaker 2: It just depends. You know, some kids are going to

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Speaker 2: come home. They're going to be so excited, Oh, guess what, Mum,

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Speaker 2: guess what, Dad? I had the best day ever? And

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Speaker 2: then they're going to tell you and sometime those yeah

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Speaker 2: we do, and then we'll have Well, it might be

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Speaker 2: some children who we just say, hey, how was school

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Speaker 2: and they give you nothing. And in that instance, I

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Speaker 2: just remind parents of what they're like when they walk

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Speaker 2: in the door and their partner looks at them and says, hey,

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Speaker 2: how's work today, Honey. Do you ever look at your

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Speaker 2: partner and say, oh, so glad you asked let me

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Speaker 2: tell you everything that happened.

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Speaker 3: That's just not what we say as adults.

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Speaker 2: We're like, yeah, it was fine, I'll tell you about

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Speaker 2: it later, because we just want to decompress. We want

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Speaker 2: to settle into the afternoon or the evening. So give

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Speaker 2: the kids some time, let them wind down from what's

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Speaker 2: been a pretty emotionally and potentially even physically exhausting day,

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Speaker 2: and then have the conversation at dinner, or have the

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Speaker 2: conversation when they're climbing into bed that night. Go really soft,

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Speaker 2: Go really easy.

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Speaker 4: Well, I hope that you're all thinking of me tomorrow

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Speaker 4: when I had.

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Speaker 3: My first day. I can't wait to see you off.

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Speaker 3: Send me all your.

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Speaker 4: Good feels because I'm going to need every one of them.

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Speaker 4: And good luck to all of our families who are

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Speaker 4: going back to day one twenty twenty one in the school.

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Speaker 2: There's about a week to go until faily start to

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Speaker 2: get really serious about it, but hopefully there has been

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Speaker 2: a good, helpful early pep talk hope. We really hope

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Speaker 2: you've enjoyed the podcast. If you do enjoy it, please

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Speaker 2: visit Apple Podcasts. We love it when you leave those

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Speaker 2: ratings and reviews so that other people can find out

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Speaker 2: about the podcast to make their families happier. The Happy

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Speaker 2: Families podcast is produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Media.

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Speaker 3: And our executive producer is Craig Bruce.

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Speaker 2: If you'd like more and fol about making your family happier,

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Speaker 2: you can get all the information about our Happy Families memberships,

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Speaker 2: including tonight's webinar about facing first day fears, at Happy

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Speaker 2: families dot com dot au.