Speaker 1: Are we live? You're live? Okay? I still really need
Speaker 1: to fart. I need to go to the bath. Oh
Speaker 1: do you all right? We'll just start. I think it's
Speaker 1: in your head. No, that was in my button.
Speaker 2: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 2: I'm Laura and I'm Brittany, and this should be our
Speaker 2: Tuesday episode, except very confusing. We know it is Thursday,
Speaker 2: and we're very very sorry that we couldn't bring you
Speaker 2: our episode this week.
Speaker 1: We did, I say we we as a collective podcast.
Speaker 1: We did have a crazy and we couldn't get it
Speaker 1: to you. But there is very very good reason. Laura,
Speaker 1: I was like, what's your bloody excuse? No, I was
Speaker 1: just supporting you.
Speaker 2: Thank you, and I feel I feel hell, I feel supported.
Speaker 2: I feel seen sorry guys that we couldn't get you it.
Speaker 2: We had a really hard week with Marley. She she
Speaker 2: came down with some sort of viral bug, and which
Speaker 2: is crazy because we have not left the house. We
Speaker 2: have not done anything at all for almost five weeks now,
Speaker 2: so somehow somewhere in our house she's managed to pick
Speaker 2: up some sort of virus and we spent a couple
Speaker 2: of nights back and forth from hospital with her, and yeah,
Speaker 2: it was a bit stressful. So that took numero uno
Speaker 2: priority this week.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, Like and the crazy thing that I thought was
Speaker 1: Laura is messaging me. She's like, we're in hospital again
Speaker 1: throughout the night. She's like, we can still try and
Speaker 1: record tomorrow. Like you were still trying. You were like,
Speaker 1: I feel bad and I want to get the episode out.
Speaker 1: And I had to sort of pull the rug from
Speaker 1: under you a little bit and say, absolutely not. I
Speaker 1: want when gore team down. You didn't, but I love
Speaker 1: your dedication. But there's a time for it, and this
Speaker 1: was this is more important. And sometimes there are a
Speaker 1: few things in life that are going to trumpet, but
Speaker 1: family is one of them. Guys.
Speaker 2: Sometimes life just gets ya. And you know what, having
Speaker 2: a sick kid is worse than having a man with
Speaker 2: men flu. So if you don't have a kid and
Speaker 2: so you're not we can't quite figure out what that's like.
Speaker 2: Think of when your boyfriend or your ex boyfriend or
Speaker 2: your dad has been sick. It's about ten times worse
Speaker 2: than that. But she's completely on the men now. Hopefully
Speaker 2: she's out of the woods. Are we out of the woods?
Speaker 2: Are we out of the woods.
Speaker 1: But that is our reason, guys, and thank you. You're
Speaker 1: always so understanding. Always, I say always, We've only ever
Speaker 1: done this once, but you guys were really understanding that time,
Speaker 1: and we're very, very grateful with how understanding you were
Speaker 1: this week as well.
Speaker 2: So this is going to be a bit of a
Speaker 2: longer episode because we are also going to merge in
Speaker 2: and ask uncut.
Speaker 1: We hadn't talked about that, but are we're bringing that
Speaker 1: on you now?
Speaker 2: Brittany, I just looked like, well, my what this is
Speaker 2: news to me, news to you, news to everyone. We're
Speaker 2: going to merge in and ask uncut at the end,
Speaker 2: so guys, just strap yourselves.
Speaker 1: In, put in some undies. It's gonna be a good episode. Well,
Speaker 1: something great did happen to me this week? I'll go
Speaker 1: on then tell me all about it. It was just
Speaker 1: that you watched Too Hot to Handle, and that's great
Speaker 1: for me because now we can talk about it.
Speaker 2: So last episode recommended too all that we should watch
Speaker 2: Too Hot to Handle, And like, guys, I'm.
Speaker 1: A sicko for reality TV. You know that.
Speaker 2: I just didn't want to get on board because I
Speaker 2: knew that it would be many hours of my life
Speaker 2: that i'd never get back, and I managed to watch
Speaker 2: the entire series in two days, and.
Speaker 1: It's so good. It's so good.
Speaker 2: It's freaking disgusting, and I hate it with every single
Speaker 2: fiber in my body.
Speaker 1: And I love it as well. You felt like you
Speaker 1: were losing some brain cells and you felt like I
Speaker 1: shouldn't be watching this. There has to be something more
Speaker 1: productive I can do with my life. But you couldn't
Speaker 1: look away like you just you were so invested in
Speaker 1: seeing what happened and seeing who got with who. And
Speaker 1: I don't even know if it was that, but it
Speaker 1: was just I was in hysterics, constant laughing at them
Speaker 1: with them at the host Lana. Oh my god, Lana.
Speaker 1: I need Lana. Can Lana start a podcast? I'm here
Speaker 1: for it. I'm gonna blow your mind right now ready.
Speaker 1: One of our listeners wrote in today to me personally,
Speaker 1: She's like, I just feel like you need this information.
Speaker 1: Do you know where they got the name Lana from? Where?
Speaker 1: You can't laugh at your own joke before you But
Speaker 1: Lana Lana? What is Lana backwards? Anal? That's pretty surely
Speaker 1: that is not the motivator.
Speaker 2: Hey, guys, have some deep connection, really form that laughing bond.
Speaker 1: But that's not It's a show is a piss take.
Speaker 1: Lana laughs at them, not with them the whole time.
Speaker 1: She's always making fun of them. Like I one hundred
Speaker 1: percent think that it is anal backwards. That's why they've
Speaker 1: done it. It was forethought, for sure, I premeditated. I am
Speaker 1: on board. I have watched the whole thing.
Speaker 2: I am a convert born again, too hot to hand
Speaker 2: or sick a fantic I love it. I'm sure that
Speaker 2: some people are gonna think less of us for this,
Speaker 2: but you know what, that's I have no other recommendations
Speaker 2: for this week. My recommendation is your recommendation from last week.
Speaker 2: So what did you think of the show now you've
Speaker 2: watched it. There's so many aspects of it that I liked.
Speaker 2: I liked that there wasn't this forced dating that happened
Speaker 2: from it, so like unlike and I know we talked
Speaker 2: about this a little bit just between us, but sort
Speaker 2: of for the listeners.
Speaker 1: I like that in sort of.
Speaker 2: Like comparison to say, like The Bachelor or married at
Speaker 2: first sight, there's these forced connections that have to happen,
Speaker 2: like you are encouraged to get into a relationship, and
Speaker 2: you only win by being in a relationship. I really
Speaker 2: really like this whole idea with Too Hot to Handle
Speaker 2: that you can still win, you can still be a
Speaker 2: full participant in the experiment, and you can still grow
Speaker 2: within the experiment without being in a relationship, and that
Speaker 2: is a really interesting take on a dating show that's
Speaker 2: not happened before. I also liked that there was no
Speaker 2: specific villain, so I think sometimes in The Bachelor, and
Speaker 2: this is one thing that always comes up each season
Speaker 2: and is a real point of contention, But in this
Speaker 2: there doesn't need to be in There doesn't need to
Speaker 2: be a villain, like there's no manufactured villain. It just
Speaker 2: follows the storyline of these people. It follows the storyline
Speaker 2: of their conversations, of their interactions, and it doesn't feel
Speaker 2: as though a plot has already been manufactured, Whereas I
Speaker 2: do think that sometimes with The Bachelor, they already know
Speaker 2: what role they want each character to play. And I
Speaker 2: didn't get that vibe from Too Hot to Handle, and
Speaker 2: I loved how fresh that felt for a reality TV show.
Speaker 1: I agree, but I thought, when you agree with that,
Speaker 1: known as a bottle, we'll shut up. I do think
Speaker 1: that Francesca was supposed to be their version of the villain.
Speaker 1: She wasn't a villain, and she wasn't the bully or anything,
Speaker 1: but if you had to pick someone, she was the
Speaker 1: one that was sort of a bit controversial, breaking the rules,
Speaker 1: doing the wrong thing, not caring about what anyone said.
Speaker 1: She was all about her, So I think she was
Speaker 1: supposed to be that person of the series.
Speaker 2: I still think that she was lovable in her own way,
Speaker 2: Like she definitely did some things that were villainous, but
Speaker 2: she made those decisions and she was very vocal about that.
Speaker 2: But I don't think that the edit really it didn't
Speaker 2: seem like they were chopping changing. They didn't sound like
Speaker 2: they were doing sound biting at all where they were
Speaker 2: taking bits and pieces of a conversation to create or
Speaker 2: manufacture storyline. It really felt like it was naturally following
Speaker 2: what these people were experiencing, what was happening.
Speaker 1: I just I.
Speaker 2: Really surprisingly enjoyed it. I dedicated a good solid five
Speaker 2: hours per night to watching the whole thing, and I
Speaker 2: got it done in two days. So guys, if you
Speaker 2: haven't seen it yet, we don't really want to give
Speaker 2: away full spoilers but this does lead us into our
Speaker 2: conversation for today's episode, which is going to be on
Speaker 2: gas lighting. Very Much pointed out that she felt that
Speaker 2: Harry had gas lighted Francesca at one point, and we'll
Speaker 2: get into how we kind of saw that play out.
Speaker 1: Do you say gas lid or gas lighted? Oh? Then
Speaker 1: it gave me on the ground. And now that's a
Speaker 1: general I don't know because I don't know because usually
Speaker 1: you'd say, are you the gas lighter or the gas
Speaker 1: light tee? Yeah, I actually don't know that one. Let's
Speaker 1: just say gasolate city. Do you want me to stop? Anyway,
Speaker 1: there was a segment where one of the guys and
Speaker 1: I egay Harry, who you love at the end. And
Speaker 1: this is the thing. They all have great progression in
Speaker 1: their storylines, and they come full circle and there's moments
Speaker 1: where you hate them and you can't believe that they're
Speaker 1: doing this or saying this, and then they come full
Speaker 1: circle and you love them. But there was a moment
Speaker 1: at the beginning where Harry I believe completely and I
Speaker 1: think I mean, I've seen a lot of articles on
Speaker 1: it too. The world thinks that he completely gasolit gaslighted
Speaker 1: Francesca he did the wrong thing, threw her under the bus,
Speaker 1: embarrassed her in front of his friends, and then somehow
Speaker 1: made her come to him, apologizing and basically begging for
Speaker 1: him back. And he was saying, I don't think I
Speaker 1: can forgive you for this. And I was sitting there
Speaker 1: with my sister and I was like, how is this happening?
Speaker 1: How is this woman, who you can tell she's smart.
Speaker 1: How is this beautiful, intelligent woman begging for him back
Speaker 1: and apologizing after what he just did to her? And
Speaker 1: that's what got me thinking, how this must happen all
Speaker 1: the time I've been in this situation personally, I know
Speaker 1: you have. I think a lot of women have, and
Speaker 1: it's not overly spoken about. But before we get into
Speaker 1: the real meaty part of the episode, Britt, how was
Speaker 1: your week? Bean? I actually have a funny story to
Speaker 1: tell you. It wasn't me, but you just reminded me
Speaker 1: of it. So my sister, Sherry's boyfriend Jay, he's from Scotland,
Speaker 1: so any story is funnier just because he says in
Speaker 1: a Scottish accent, he was just super casually telling us
Speaker 1: about something that happened to him the other day. He
Speaker 1: went to get a haircut at the barber. Essential service,
Speaker 1: Essential service, just a little trim and he had a
Speaker 1: runny nose. Now when he went into the barber and
Speaker 1: sat down, the barber put his cape around his neck,
Speaker 1: brushed his hair back, and with a bare hand went, oh,
Speaker 1: I'll get that and wiped his nose, wiped the snot
Speaker 1: from his nose. No. No, And I said to jay
Speaker 1: what do you mean he wiped your nose? No, He's like,
Speaker 1: he just wiped my note. He just went look at that.
Speaker 1: I'll get that with his bare hand. And I said, Jaye,
Speaker 1: what did you do? He's like, oh, I didn't know
Speaker 1: what to do.
Speaker 2: I just sat there did not And I was like,
Speaker 2: you're right, everything's funny with a Scottish accent, But how.
Speaker 1: I think that's gobsmacking. Like if somebody came up to
Speaker 1: me with their bare hand, I didn't know a stranger
Speaker 1: and wiped stop from my nose, I would be offended.
Speaker 2: That man is definitely a dad, and he has been
Speaker 2: spending so much time at home in isolation with his
Speaker 2: kids that it just it was like that muscle memory.
Speaker 2: He just he just accident and then he probably was
Speaker 2: doing it and halfway through He was like, what the
Speaker 2: fuck am I do?
Speaker 3: But you just have to commit, just committed, you just
Speaker 3: have to continue. And Jay was like, it was this
Speaker 3: awkward moment. Then he had to sit through the whole
Speaker 3: haircut and he's like, I was really scared. I was
Speaker 3: really scared that my nose was gonna run again because
Speaker 3: I didn't know what was gonna happen.
Speaker 2: I love the way I asked you, what's been happening
Speaker 2: in your week?
Speaker 1: That's the story that you share. I just picture it
Speaker 1: and if you think of that in a Scottish accent.
Speaker 1: It just made me weak because I didn't know there
Speaker 1: are people out there that were that dedicated in their job.
Speaker 1: So I take my hat up to that barber. He's
Speaker 1: a full service kind of guy. He's a mad please.
Speaker 1: But what about you. I guess you didn't really have
Speaker 1: time in between hospital visits to do anything this week.
Speaker 2: No one wants to listen to me say this, but
Speaker 2: I have no recommendations because I've literally not done anything
Speaker 2: except care for a sick kid. But you know what,
Speaker 2: I do have recommendation actually, and this is for mums
Speaker 2: who are ever in a situation where they're not sure
Speaker 2: whether or not to take their kid to hospital the
Speaker 2: last couple of nights, and we had to go in
Speaker 2: a few times in Maley.
Speaker 1: Matt and I had that.
Speaker 2: Moment where you're there with your sick kid and and.
Speaker 1: You're like, I don't know what to do, Like we
Speaker 1: don't is she is she really sick? Is she not
Speaker 1: that sick?
Speaker 2: Like her temperature is really high? Do we take her
Speaker 2: to hospital? Don't we take it to hospital? I think
Speaker 2: if you, as a parent, are ever in a situation
Speaker 2: where you're standing there with your child contemplating whether or
Speaker 2: not to take them to hospital, just take them to hospital.
Speaker 2: I felt a bit guilty because I was like, I
Speaker 2: don't know if this is an emergency or not, but
Speaker 2: I feel better being here. And the doctors were so
Speaker 2: amazing at the Children's Hospital in Randwick.
Speaker 1: They were like, if there is every situation where you
Speaker 1: don't know whether or not you should take your child
Speaker 1: to hospital, then just take them.
Speaker 2: And that reassurance. I'm like, that's what mums need to heart.
Speaker 2: That's not the time for like trying to problem solve.
Speaker 2: We're trying to figure out whether it's the right or
Speaker 2: wrong thing to do. Just don't take chances, take your kid.
Speaker 1: I mean as a hospital worker, I have seen it
Speaker 1: happen so many times and I can't agree more. If
Speaker 1: you were debating anything about whether you're unwell enough or
Speaker 1: if you should go and see a doctor, absolutely go
Speaker 1: and see the doctor. That's what they're there for. They're
Speaker 1: there to care for you, and if you don't need
Speaker 1: to be there, they will let you know. But just
Speaker 1: imagine if you questioned it and stayed home and something
Speaker 1: happened God forbid, you'd never forgive yourself. But that's what
Speaker 1: ever forgive yourself, that's what hospital workers are there for.
Speaker 2: There's my recommendation. Don't take your kid's hospit unless you
Speaker 2: need to. But if you're not sure, take them.
Speaker 1: There you go. I'm sure there's some better things you
Speaker 1: can watch on Netflix. All right, Yeah, I'm going to
Speaker 1: jump into an accidentally unfiltered that somebody wrote it. I
Speaker 1: love it.
Speaker 2: It's short and sharp and spicy. Guys, I love this
Speaker 2: section of the podcast. So for those of you who
Speaker 2: are knew, this is where you guys share your most
Speaker 2: embarrassing stories with us and we share them with the
Speaker 2: rest of you.
Speaker 1: But you know what, most of you probably already know that,
Speaker 1: so hit it off, britt, but also, if you are new,
Speaker 1: where you been, where you been? Okay, pull yourself a
Speaker 1: glass of wine. Get on board. So this girl went
Speaker 1: out had a one night stand. Basically, she meets this guy,
Speaker 1: super smoking hot. She's like, stuff it, I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna go. I need it. I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: all out. Take him home. She takes him home. They
Speaker 1: have a great night, like amazing sex all night. In
Speaker 1: the morning it's time for him to go. He says, well,
Speaker 1: you know, can I grab your number? Because they hadn't
Speaker 1: even swapped numbers yet, can I grab your number? She's like, absolutely,
Speaker 1: but cute bit nervy, puts a number in his phone
Speaker 1: and off he goes. Later that day, she gets a
Speaker 1: call from her dad. Honey, why am I getting messages
Speaker 1: from some guy about how great the sex was last night? What? So?
Speaker 1: Out of habit, she just typed in her dad's phone.
Speaker 1: How do you do that out, dude? I know my parents'
Speaker 1: phone number off off by heart. I can type it anywhere,
Speaker 1: so I don't know. He's like, babe, watch your number.
Speaker 1: She types it in coach. She's a bit nervy. She
Speaker 1: obviously calls her dad a lot and types it in,
Speaker 1: types it in. He went home and started texting about
Speaker 1: how great the sex worls. God only knows what else
Speaker 1: he said, and the dad's getting it, which is something
Speaker 1: my dad would do. My dad'd be like, you got
Speaker 1: some Oh wow, I wow. I know that's a lot.
Speaker 1: I imagine.
Speaker 2: I don't know how I would feel if that happened
Speaker 2: to me and I was a dad and that was
Speaker 2: my daughter.
Speaker 1: My family, there's six of us and we are two girls,
Speaker 1: two boys, mom and dad. The six of us are
Speaker 1: so tight. There's literally nothing that you can't say or
Speaker 1: tell each other that you should see our dinner table conversation.
Speaker 1: It's ludicrous.
Speaker 2: I'm just imagining some guy that you had sex with
Speaker 2: the night before, messaging your dad being like you were
Speaker 2: so tight, that was the best sex I've ever had,
Speaker 2: and your dad being like, oh thanks for that, Philip,
Speaker 2: have a great night.
Speaker 1: Actually, my dad will come out some morning. He'll be like,
Speaker 1: I picture him. This is how I picture. He doesn't
Speaker 1: have a walking stick, but I would picture him like
Speaker 1: walking out, no bad, picture him walking out, whistling, like
Speaker 1: putting his cane around in a circle. You know that
Speaker 1: sort of a thing. He'd just come out really happy
Speaker 1: and I'd be like, Dad, you got lucky last night,
Speaker 1: did yet? And he'd just be like, you know it, Oh,
Speaker 1: it's too much. It doesn't know. It doesn't bother me
Speaker 1: if I'm happy to know my parents are happy.
Speaker 2: I once walked in on my mom having sex and oh, yeah,
Speaker 2: that's just me.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to know that she was happy. It
Speaker 1: was I'm scarred. I still hate that memory. Okay, when
Speaker 1: I say, my grandmum, if you listen to this, sometimes, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's awful. When I say my family's open, we are
Speaker 1: not that open. That's something I have never seen and
Speaker 1: I will never unseen.
Speaker 2: Look, all great relationships have boundaries, and I think that's
Speaker 2: really important. I also have an act unfiltered for us
Speaker 2: Hit Me. It is much more g rated, but I
Speaker 2: really enjoyed this one because after a week of some
Speaker 2: pretty intensive parenting, this one gave me a good chuckle.
Speaker 1: It's kind of long.
Speaker 2: My daughter is dramatic. She is the sort of person
Speaker 2: who would step on a piece of dirt on the
Speaker 2: floor and fall down, screaming me hurt foot. Or she'd
Speaker 2: hit her head on a pillow and make a huge
Speaker 2: deal out of it.
Speaker 1: She is too.
Speaker 2: I am her mum, so she believes everything that I say.
Speaker 2: I use this to my advantage and I told her
Speaker 2: that kisses fix everything. Stub your toe, get a kiss.
Speaker 2: Smack yourself in the face with a room, get a kiss.
Speaker 2: Cut your finger with a fake knife, you also get
Speaker 2: a kiss. It was going great. She caught on quick
Speaker 2: and instead of screaming, always asked for a kiss because
Speaker 2: I hurt. How could this possibly go wrong? Well, I
Speaker 2: did not foresee the world falling apart and me needing
Speaker 2: to work from home with my six month old and
Speaker 2: my two year old for the last five weeks. My
Speaker 2: daughter was eating her breakfast while I was on a
Speaker 2: video call. She bit her tongue and she started crying.
Speaker 2: She then then she stopped, and I saw the look
Speaker 2: on her face. So here I sit on a very
Speaker 2: very important video conference call with my work and my
Speaker 2: two year old comes running in screaming.
Speaker 1: Mummy, kiss tongue.
Speaker 2: I am trying to shift my six month old so
Speaker 2: I can turn the audio and video off, and I
Speaker 2: managed to mute it after she screams, of course, but
Speaker 2: didn't get the video shut off in time before my
Speaker 2: two year old daughter sticks her tongue out and shoves
Speaker 2: it in at me for a kiss as I'm opening
Speaker 2: my mouth to tell her no, And that's how her
Speaker 2: tongue went straight down my mouth falls on a cowork
Speaker 2: zoom call.
Speaker 1: I think that's so cute, hue. Not really what you
Speaker 1: want to do, make out with your two year old
Speaker 1: and a zoom call. I mean, I wouldn't want to
Speaker 1: make out with her, not on the same call. True. True,
Speaker 1: that one took me a while to get there. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna I'm gonna ed up. That was a long one.
Speaker 1: It was a long one. It was a lot bit
Speaker 1: as cute. That was cute. I think we can tell
Speaker 1: the difference between Laura and I. Laura is the mind
Speaker 1: and I am out there and everybody.
Speaker 2: Who's not a mom just listened to me waffle that
Speaker 2: one on and was like, shut up, that's disgusting. Keep
Speaker 2: your naughty, two year old, bleeding tongue child away from me.
Speaker 2: And I'm like, you guess that's how sickness is spread.
Speaker 2: Give her tongue a kiss.
Speaker 1: But I think that's I think that is like a
Speaker 1: four plaything. In Japan, they like stuck each other's tongues
Speaker 1: and lick each other's eyeballs. That's just cold kissing. No, like,
Speaker 1: have you heard the eyeball looking No? Yeah, Big Big
Speaker 1: Four play in Japan. That is so weird.
Speaker 2: So my dad, I'm not going to sort of fetish shame,
Speaker 2: but that is that is up there with the weird stuff.
Speaker 1: But this is actually really funny. We went around Australia,
Speaker 1: like my parents took us around Australia in a full
Speaker 1: drive when we were all little kids. And I'm talking.
Speaker 1: We just camped our way through the deserts and had
Speaker 1: fires for dinner and ate fire for dinner. There's tough
Speaker 1: times in the desert. We sat around a fire I
Speaker 1: can't find. We would make damper and it was such
Speaker 1: an amazing Australian experience. But it can get pretty windy
Speaker 1: out there in the desert and we were constantly getting
Speaker 1: sand in our eye. The best way when it's drought
Speaker 1: there's not a lot of water and you're a small
Speaker 1: child with sanding. You're right, Dad would lick the sand
Speaker 1: out of our eye because you put the tongue in
Speaker 1: the eye. If you're still with me, stay so weird,
Speaker 1: but it makes sense if you're out there, because when
Speaker 1: you think about it. It's it's a really weird thing.
Speaker 1: But if you actually deep dive, it makes sense. He
Speaker 1: would just like he could open our eye up and
Speaker 1: you'd be able to see the grain of sand. He'd
Speaker 1: just back with his tongue like a lizard and it
Speaker 1: would get this and it would get the sand out
Speaker 1: because we were out in the middle of nowhere with
Speaker 1: limited water.
Speaker 2: We just went from talking about licking people's eyes as
Speaker 2: a fetish to you telling me about some camp childhood.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but you know what, I just thought I would share.
Speaker 1: That's nice. Part of who I am thinks that there's
Speaker 1: been a lot of trauma here. All right, that's we
Speaker 1: just we went so rogue. Let's jump into the content
Speaker 1: and gas lighting, shall we. Oh, look, if we have to,
Speaker 1: I'm here for a gain. It's been a while. Haven't
Speaker 1: seen you in such a long time, I know. And
Speaker 1: when we have and seen each other, we start to
Speaker 1: just talk. I don't want to say that talk shit,
Speaker 1: but we just we do. Don't worry it's too much.
Speaker 1: I feel like sometimes Laura and I get together, if
Speaker 1: we haven't seen each other for a while, we just
Speaker 1: word vomit for like two hours.
Speaker 2: Well, it's also like this is when we catch up
Speaker 2: and then most girlfriends just catch up, have a glass
Speaker 2: of wine and we do it and then we record
Speaker 2: it for we nationally record it for the rest of
Speaker 2: Australia to listen to. But that actually, like that was
Speaker 2: your advice for mothers out there. This is my advice
Speaker 2: for mothers. If your child does have something in their eye,
Speaker 2: you can use your tongue. That's what That's why I'll say.
Speaker 2: I'm not making a joke either, I'm being a hundi serious.
Speaker 1: So let's get onto the topic. So guys, we are
Speaker 1: going to be talking about gas lighting.
Speaker 2: Okay, so before we get into the topic for today,
Speaker 2: which kind of also led us into the topic. One
Speaker 2: brit had brought up gas lighting because of watching Too
Speaker 2: Hot to Handle on how it seemed to be this
Speaker 2: current theme that run through the series a little bit.
Speaker 2: But this is what happened to me this week. And
Speaker 2: you know what, some of you won't care, but I care,
Speaker 2: I really care, So.
Speaker 1: I'm going to share it with you. Writt and I
Speaker 1: went for a walk.
Speaker 2: Whilst we were trying to think about what we were
Speaker 2: going to do for this episode, and we were, you know,
Speaker 2: thrown around ideas and we were going for a walkdown
Speaker 2: Bondi and as we were walking along the promenade, I
Speaker 2: look up and for anybody who has been listening to
Speaker 2: this podcast a while, you would know that I often
Speaker 2: talk about an ex who was the most toxic X
Speaker 2: that I've ever dated, like the one who gas lit me,
Speaker 2: the one who is it gas lit we start gaslighting,
Speaker 2: the one who ghastled me, the one who cheated on me,
Speaker 2: the one who made me feel so insanely crazy when
Speaker 2: I was in that relationship, so insane And I look
Speaker 2: up and he's standing two meters away from my face,
Speaker 2: staring straight at me. It was a really, really awful
Speaker 2: situation where I was like, how is it possible that
Speaker 2: we have been in lockdown for five weeks? I've not
Speaker 2: even seen my dearest, closest friends and family, and I
Speaker 2: managed to run into the one person in the world
Speaker 2: who I'd rather punch myself in the face seven thousand
Speaker 2: times before seeing. And then, to make it worse, I
Speaker 2: was like, Oh my god, Brit, that's that guy. That's
Speaker 2: that guy I always talk about on the podcast. And
Speaker 2: Brit goes, oh, that guy right there and then starts
Speaker 2: doing parkour like instead of being the good friend who
Speaker 2: is subtle and like slyly looks to the side and says, oh,
Speaker 2: that guy, Okay, let's keep walking, let's walk in this direction,
Speaker 2: and really supports me through the trauma that I'm experiencing.
Speaker 1: She starts pretending to do park hall and like, which
Speaker 1: is cool. I don't know what it's called.
Speaker 2: She starts pretending to like jump off things and do
Speaker 2: some assaults and shit down the promenade to get his
Speaker 2: attention because my co host is a Childhi god, I was.
Speaker 1: I was already mid parkour. I was just pretending to
Speaker 1: do parkour. I was been silly Parker's where you like
Speaker 1: jump and do flips off objects. I'd had a lot
Speaker 1: of energy anyway, I was doing his parkour and then you.
Speaker 1: I looked at you and I was like, you've seen
Speaker 1: a ghost? What I've just missed something in the last
Speaker 1: twenty second.
Speaker 2: I was like, I want to unsubscribe from life right now.
Speaker 2: Someone please eject me.
Speaker 1: And she's like, that's the guy. That's the guy. That's
Speaker 1: the guy, and I you know, you try to be subtle,
Speaker 1: but I was like, well wait, because I didn't want
Speaker 1: miss him. Not only did she not try and be subtle.
Speaker 1: She did a full three sixty degree.
Speaker 2: Turn to see him, like to look at him, and
Speaker 2: I am I am not over this.
Speaker 1: It didn't make sense to me. I saw him and
Speaker 1: I was like that one and You're like yes, and
Speaker 1: I was like, really, it was the last person I
Speaker 1: picked it for. You. I will say that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So you did me good. You good guys. So
Speaker 2: basically where this long story is going. Britta and I
Speaker 2: have in the past talked a lot about relationships that
Speaker 2: we've been in where we have experienced gas lighting or
Speaker 2: you know, emotional manipulation, cheating, and I think that these
Speaker 2: things can all kind of tie into each other. So
Speaker 2: that was why we wanted to talk. We were like, ah, here,
Speaker 2: it is the topic for today's episode, given to us
Speaker 2: on a silver platter in the form of my ex boyfriend.
Speaker 2: That is one of the reasons why we're talking about
Speaker 2: gas lighting today, but also because it is some thing
Speaker 2: that happens in a lot of relationships, some relationships that
Speaker 2: are healthy and some relationships that you know clearly you
Speaker 2: need to get the hell out of. But it is
Speaker 2: a very very common behavior that we have a name for,
Speaker 2: and that is what we're talking about. In case you
Speaker 2: don't know what gas lighting is, it is just like
Speaker 2: a tactic or a behavior in where a person or
Speaker 2: it could even be your partner, your boss, but basically,
Speaker 2: in order to gain more power, they make their victim
Speaker 2: i EU question your reality, so they make you feel
Speaker 2: like you're crazy. You question yourself and your motives, you
Speaker 2: question the situation, you question the event that happened, the
Speaker 2: way it unfolded. It's a manipulation and it eventually will
Speaker 2: weigh you down. So it's definitely a tactic that people
Speaker 2: use both consciously and subconsciously to gain control. And it's
Speaker 2: like it's a form of emotional abuse. It really is,
Speaker 2: and it can be something that is very very malicious
Speaker 2: and very intent driven. For example, I think a good
Speaker 2: example of this is like maybe been in a relationship
Speaker 2: with someone where you know black and white that they
Speaker 2: have cheated on you, You have evidence, and you confront
Speaker 2: them and they deny it, deny, deny, deny. That is
Speaker 2: gas lighting. And that's a very very intent driven example
Speaker 2: of gas lighting. Another one which is probably not so malicious,
Speaker 2: which you know it's not because the person is necessarily
Speaker 2: a bad person, but maybe it's because their communication skills
Speaker 2: aren't very good. Could be for example, just say you
Speaker 2: are in a relationship you feel like your partner is
Speaker 2: not pulling the weight of the housework. And you say
Speaker 2: to them like, I'm feeling really upset. I don't feel
Speaker 2: like you pull the weight of the housework.
Speaker 1: This.
Speaker 2: You know, you've done this, this, and this which have
Speaker 2: upset me. And they say, well, you're wrong, because I do.
Speaker 2: And the conversation just ends there. And so instead of
Speaker 2: them validating how you feel or validating the situation, they
Speaker 2: are shutting down what your reality is. And they're telling
Speaker 2: you and denying you what is facts to you and
Speaker 2: the way you feel, and that lack of validation and
Speaker 2: that lack of acknowledging your reality is basically that's it.
Speaker 2: Like that's the definition of what gas lighting is.
Speaker 1: The reason I feel that this was really important to
Speaker 1: talk about is that I did go through it myself
Speaker 1: in my toxic relationship that I've spoken about here before
Speaker 1: on episode three.
Speaker 2: This is like, we recommend this episode all the time.
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna jump in a brit because it's a
Speaker 2: freaking doozy. But it was in a really, really toxic
Speaker 2: relationship where she legitimately dated a psychopath, and we don't
Speaker 2: throw those terms around, like we really really think that
Speaker 2: you can't just call someone a psycho just for the
Speaker 2: sake of it. But his behavior, which if you listen
Speaker 2: to episode three, would very much indicate that that's the
Speaker 2: personality type that he is. So yeah, So if you
Speaker 2: haven't listened to episode, go back and listen to it.
Speaker 1: So I was in this relationship for a few years
Speaker 1: with this guy that was living a double life, and
Speaker 1: it was only now I didn't know what that abuse was.
Speaker 1: At the time, I didn't recognize it because nobody spoke
Speaker 1: about it. When I finally fast forward a few years
Speaker 1: and it's only recently that I've heard about gas lighting.
Speaker 1: And we'll talk about it about its origin soon. But
Speaker 1: it's only once people started to talk about it more.
Speaker 1: I put the name to my situation and I thought, oh,
Speaker 1: oh my god, this is what he did. Every time
Speaker 1: I read something about it or I heard about it,
Speaker 1: I was like, that's me, that's me, this is what
Speaker 1: he did to me, And it's so important to talk about.
Speaker 1: Because it wasn't spoken about a I couldn't recognize it,
Speaker 1: I couldn't highlight it, meaning I couldn't do anything about
Speaker 1: it because I didn't know it was happening and I
Speaker 1: was stuck in this relationship. So to give you an example, Laura,
Speaker 1: I don't even know if I've spoken to you about this,
Speaker 1: but I just think it's so important. There was there
Speaker 1: were situations that he would do to me, like, for example,
Speaker 1: it would be about anything. He would just cancel something
Speaker 1: because his other partner had turned up, but he would
Speaker 1: make me say. He would say things like you didn't
Speaker 1: book the accommodation, We've had to cancel it, things like that,
Speaker 1: like he'd blame me. But there was one time that
Speaker 1: has it's really really stuck with me all these years.
Speaker 1: And basically I stumbled across his phone one day. He
Speaker 1: was showing me something in his phone. He was very
Speaker 1: protective of it, and I was swiping through what he
Speaker 1: was showing me and I saw a photo of me
Speaker 1: naked and a video and I had never seen this before.
Speaker 1: I didn't know what it was. And I sort of
Speaker 1: was like, well, what is that? And he snatched the
Speaker 1: phone away and he was like what what? Nothing like
Speaker 1: and I was like, no, I know what I saw.
Speaker 1: And this was a few years deep, so I was
Speaker 1: a bit more I was very submissive, and I'm embarrassed
Speaker 1: to say that now because of the person I am now,
Speaker 1: but I said, no, I know what, I just saw.
Speaker 1: What the hell was that basically he had filmed us
Speaker 1: and taken a photo in the bedroom. I had never
Speaker 1: seen it, knew nothing about it, and he then proceeded
Speaker 1: to convince me that I was all for it. I
Speaker 1: knew about it. He was like, baby, you remember we
Speaker 1: spoke about that, We said we're going to do it.
Speaker 1: You'd had a few drinks, and by the end of
Speaker 1: that conversation I was like, oh, yeah, Like, I guess
Speaker 1: I probably did and I just forgot about it when
Speaker 1: there is no way that I did. And he was
Speaker 1: just so good at the manipulation, and I walked away
Speaker 1: from that being like, oh yeah, I totally did that.
Speaker 1: Like we definitely had that conversation, which we did not.
Speaker 1: And that is just a prime, prime example of gas lighting.
Speaker 2: That is one of the worst versions. There are so
Speaker 2: many variants of this, and that's something that we're going
Speaker 2: to talk about, and like with everything that we do
Speaker 2: discuss on this podcast, that there is a spectrum which
Speaker 2: we recognize that sort of behavior is at the very
Speaker 2: end of what is completely unacceptable. That guy is an
Speaker 2: absolute fluck boy, and you need to get them out
Speaker 2: of your life.
Speaker 1: End of the spectrum.
Speaker 2: And then there's also the end of the spectrum where
Speaker 2: like we said, something that might happen in your relationship
Speaker 2: and you need to sort of better your communication skills
Speaker 2: and outline to your partner that they're doing it. But
Speaker 2: the first thing, exactly as you just said, Britt, is
Speaker 2: recognizing one what it is, to what that behavior is,
Speaker 2: and really understanding that your reality doesn't need to be
Speaker 2: validated by anybody else. So if you feel something, you
Speaker 2: know that it's happened, you know that you feel a
Speaker 2: certain way about it, don't allow somebody to try and
Speaker 2: convince you, to get you angry, to get you flustered,
Speaker 2: to try and convince you that that there's anything else
Speaker 2: in that. You know, like someone should validate the way
Speaker 2: that you feel, especially if they love you and respect you.
Speaker 2: And I think that that's like my biggest point I
Speaker 2: want to drive home before we even really get into
Speaker 2: the topic, is like you don't need somebody else to
Speaker 2: validate your reality. If that's how you feel, then it
Speaker 2: is real to you and it deserves validation and if
Speaker 2: your partner loves you and respects you, they will validate
Speaker 2: it even if they don't agree with you necessarily.
Speaker 1: Anyway, Yeah, into.
Speaker 2: And now I will breathe into Like where this whole
Speaker 2: the name of it started, because like, so, gaslighting is
Speaker 2: a concept has been around for so long since this.
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm sure the behavior has been around for forever,
Speaker 2: but the concept and the name of it was coined
Speaker 2: in the nineteen thirties. There's a play that was written
Speaker 2: in nineteen thirty eight. It's a mystery thriller written by
Speaker 2: British playwright Patrick Hamilton and at this called gas Light.
Speaker 2: It was made into a movie in nineteen forty four,
Speaker 2: and the whole premise of this play slash movie is
Speaker 2: that the husband so the husband and wife, and the
Speaker 2: husband is manipulating the wife into feeling like she's crazy,
Speaker 2: and so he would set things up, do things to
Speaker 2: really make her question her reality, to the point where
Speaker 2: he had set up the gas lights in the attic
Speaker 2: to make them flicker, and she had said to him
Speaker 2: this one day, Oh, we really need to fix the
Speaker 2: gas lights in the attic because they keep flickering, and
Speaker 2: he's like, what are you talking about? You're crazy, but
Speaker 2: there's nothing wrong with gas lights.
Speaker 1: They're not on.
Speaker 2: And so he did this with such consistency and with
Speaker 2: such malicious intent that by the time it got to
Speaker 2: the end of the movie, she actually thought she was insane.
Speaker 2: And I think that, like, that's obviously a really extreme
Speaker 2: version of it, but this sort of behavior consistently over
Speaker 2: a period of time leaves you feeling so incredibly fucking
Speaker 2: insane in your relationship. I think it's important to, like one,
Speaker 2: recognize that if you're in a relationship where you feel
Speaker 2: crazy and you feel very different to how you have
Speaker 2: in your other relationships, where you feel super insecure, you
Speaker 2: feel overly sensitive, your partner's telling you that you're behaving crazy,
Speaker 2: then there is a really good chance that you're actually
Speaker 2: being gaslighted in that you.
Speaker 1: Want to know something really interesting, tell me. So it's
Speaker 1: funny because the term obviously genated in the thirties after
Speaker 1: that movie, but it didn't become popular until Donald Trump
Speaker 1: was elected, and it has been used so much since
Speaker 1: his inauguration that in twenty eighteen, the Oxford Dictionary named
Speaker 1: it the most popular term.
Speaker 2: I kind of believe that because Donald Trump just gas
Speaker 2: lights everyone, I think I read the same thing that
Speaker 2: you're quoting now. But it's been used in relation to
Speaker 2: a lot of politicians. So it's not just a term
Speaker 2: that has to be relative to relationships. It's a term
Speaker 2: that can be used in the workplace. Like brit said,
Speaker 2: it's a term that can be used it's when anybody
Speaker 2: tries to sort of fundamentally shift what your reality is
Speaker 2: based on lies. So it can be used from politicians.
Speaker 2: I'm sure that they're using it all the time.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Absolutely. Okay, So I've shared my example obviously,
Speaker 1: my example of me being gas lit gaslighted? What gas
Speaker 1: lits saver? You've spoken about your toxic X. Do you
Speaker 1: have an example of something that happened in that relationship
Speaker 1: so maybe people can try to relate to It could
Speaker 1: be a little thing, it could be something huge. Let
Speaker 1: me get the list. Yes.
Speaker 2: So one of the big things that happened really early
Speaker 2: on in our relationship was we were out this one
Speaker 2: night at a nightclub and like we'd been drinking. We've
Speaker 2: been going through a bit of a bad patch as well,
Speaker 2: which I don't understand why we were going through a
Speaker 2: bad patch, like nothing had happened, but he was behaving
Speaker 2: really really distant to me, and I didn't know what
Speaker 2: I had done wrong, and I was already feeling like, Okay, well,
Speaker 2: what have I done in this situation to put a
Speaker 2: wedge between us? And we were out and he wasn't
Speaker 2: really talking to me very much and he was quite
Speaker 2: angry with me, and then he was on his phone heaps,
Speaker 2: like texting, and he was just constantly on his phone
Speaker 2: whilst we're on a night out together. And I went
Speaker 2: up to him and I said, I feel like you're
Speaker 2: texting another girl, and if you are doing that, you
Speaker 2: need to shut that shit down right now. And he
Speaker 2: was like, you're insane. You're a psycho. Like you're a
Speaker 2: fucking psycho. In that situation where where I really really
Speaker 2: wanted to believe him, I was so in love with him,
Speaker 2: like I really really really wanted to be wrong, and
Speaker 2: I wanted cold evidence. I wasn't going off my instinct,
Speaker 2: I wasn't going off my gut, like I wanted cold,
Speaker 2: hard evidence if he was actually cheating on me. And
Speaker 2: so I got home and I said to him again,
Speaker 2: I was like, I feel like you've been texting a
Speaker 2: girl tonight. I don't know why, but my intuition is raging,
Speaker 2: and I really really think that you've been doing the
Speaker 2: wrong thing. And he continued with the whole your your
Speaker 2: crazy narrative, and then he fell asleep, and I picked
Speaker 2: up his phone. I went through his phone, and he
Speaker 2: had only just recently moved, so like literally two weeks prior,
Speaker 2: we had moved across the road from his original apartment,
Speaker 2: and this girl was messaging him saying, I'm downstairs, let
Speaker 2: me in. So she was downstairs at his old apartment.
Speaker 2: It was a girl he used to hook up with,
Speaker 2: and she was buzzing the buzzer of the apartment downstairs
Speaker 2: to get in for a booty call, to get in
Speaker 2: for a booty call, because he had been texting her
Speaker 2: the whole time anyway. So it was like it was insane,
Speaker 2: It was such it was so insane this situation played out.
Speaker 2: And then what's even more insane is that that was
Speaker 2: at a point in my life where I didn't have
Speaker 2: the confidence that I have now, Like standards were already
Speaker 2: so so low, and like I.
Speaker 1: Didn't have the respect for myself. I didn't think I.
Speaker 2: Deserved what I deserve, and I really put up with
Speaker 2: behavior that's completely beneath me, and I forgave him, and
Speaker 2: I stayed in that relationship for two years. And what
Speaker 2: I like, the point of this that I really want
Speaker 2: to drive home is that if you see this behavior
Speaker 2: early on in your relationship, these are big fucking red
Speaker 2: flags and it doesn't get better. And someone who gaslights
Speaker 2: you early on or behaves in a way that's like
Speaker 2: rocks your foundation. You need to leave before it becomes
Speaker 2: too late and before you're too emotionally invested. But there
Speaker 2: is fundamentally something wrong with somebody who lies to your
Speaker 2: face black and blue because it suits their agenda absolutely.
Speaker 1: And as I said, it sounds like you and I
Speaker 1: were in the same position in terms of the way
Speaker 1: we felt about ourselves and we didn't think we deserve better.
Speaker 1: And I think there are a lot of people out
Speaker 1: there that will really relate to that. But I do
Speaker 1: really really want to drive home that I think the
Speaker 1: biggest thing is just education and people talking about it.
Speaker 1: I didn't know what it was, You didn't know what
Speaker 1: it was. We couldn't recognize the behavior. So that's why
Speaker 1: I want to drive home. We have so many young
Speaker 1: female listeners, and I want to do everything I can
Speaker 1: to keep you guys out of this toxic situation.
Speaker 2: And also, I guess if you find yourself in a
Speaker 2: toxic situation or you find yourself questioning, like if you're
Speaker 2: having a fight with your boyfriend and it's the same
Speaker 2: narrative that's happening over and over and over, and they're
Speaker 2: telling you that you're crazy, or they're telling you that
Speaker 2: you're making it up, talk to your friends, talk to
Speaker 2: your sister, talk to your mom, talk to the people
Speaker 2: who are close to you, and explain the situation. Because
Speaker 2: if your friends and family can say to you you're
Speaker 2: not crazy, that behavior is really really screwed up, then
Speaker 2: that gives you ammunition to go back and say, actually,
Speaker 2: do you know what, like this, whatever you're saying is real.
Speaker 2: I know it's not real, Like I know the truth.
Speaker 2: But you need to realize that the only person who
Speaker 2: you can control in some situations is yourself, Especially if
Speaker 2: you're in a real toxic relationship with someone who does
Speaker 2: have sort of narcissistic personality disorder. You're never going to
Speaker 2: be able to convince them or make them necessarily believe
Speaker 2: your version or get them.
Speaker 1: To agree with you. You just have to make choices that
Speaker 1: are completely for yourself, which is probably leaving the relationship.
Speaker 1: I looked up a psychologist that actually sort of specializes
Speaker 1: in this behavior and she deals with a lot of
Speaker 1: people that have been through this situation. She has highlighted
Speaker 1: some things, some sentences to sort of ask yourself to
Speaker 1: see if you say yes to any of them that
Speaker 1: maybe you need to dive a little bit deeper and
Speaker 1: see if you're in this relationship. So we're going to
Speaker 1: read a few of these out and just think to yourself,
Speaker 1: has this happened to me? Does this happen to me? Yes?
Speaker 1: I can agree, okay.
Speaker 2: So, and like, if you're in a toxic relationship, you
Speaker 2: already know that something is wrong, Like you already have
Speaker 2: that feeling where you're so unsettled and like just the
Speaker 2: essence of your body is like something is really wrong here.
Speaker 2: And you always feel like you're fighting for the relationship
Speaker 2: where you always feel like you're a little bit crazy.
Speaker 2: But sometimes you need to have that validity really driven
Speaker 2: home that you need to get out.
Speaker 1: Okay, So she says to ask yourself, if you say
Speaker 1: yes to any of these, ask yourself, am I too sensitive?
Speaker 1: Do you ask yourself this multiple times a day? Do
Speaker 1: you often feel confused and even crazy in the relationship.
Speaker 1: Do you find yourself constantly apologizing you can't understand why
Speaker 1: you aren't happy? Why aren't I happy in this relationship?
Speaker 1: What am I doing wrong? Do you frequently make excuses
Speaker 1: for your partner's behavior. Do you know that something is
Speaker 1: wrong but you just can't put your finger on it.
Speaker 1: You know in your gut, but you're just like, what
Speaker 1: is that? I don't know? That was me for sure?
Speaker 1: And Laura, you just put your hand up, oh my god,
Speaker 1: like you're in clave. Do you start lying to avoid
Speaker 1: people questioning his behavior or your partner's behavior? And this
Speaker 1: can be not just we are saying it as a
Speaker 1: male because majority of gas lighting situations are male dominated,
Speaker 1: but women gaslight too. But for today we are just
Speaker 1: saying we're using the pronoun Hey, do you find yourself
Speaker 1: this is a big one and I did this. Do
Speaker 1: you find yourself lying to your friends and family about
Speaker 1: his behavior because you know the behavior is not right,
Speaker 1: so you lie about it. I was doing that to
Speaker 1: my sister all the time in my relationship. She would
Speaker 1: call him out on it and question me like, why
Speaker 1: you let him do that? Why is he doing this
Speaker 1: to you? Why is he saying this to you? And
Speaker 1: I would lie, I'd make up a whole story to
Speaker 1: make him not look like an idiot or a liar
Speaker 1: to my family.
Speaker 2: Because otherwise you'd have to then justify why you were
Speaker 2: putting up with being treated so badly. But it's because
Speaker 2: you really really want the relationship.
Speaker 1: Oh absolutely. And the last few were do you have
Speaker 1: trouble making decisions on your own? Because a really slow
Speaker 1: burn in a toxic gas lighting relationship is it's control,
Speaker 1: so you start to lose the ability to want or
Speaker 1: to be able to make decisions because usually you have
Speaker 1: to run it by your partner. So that's a question
Speaker 1: to ask yourself, have I has it changed and I
Speaker 1: can't make decisions now? And do you wonder if you
Speaker 1: were good enough? That is the big one that they say,
Speaker 1: Do you ever ask yourself if you're good enough for him?
Speaker 1: And you're questioning that that's because they are making you
Speaker 1: feel like you're not. You just don't. That doesn't happen
Speaker 1: on its own.
Speaker 2: But then that also feeds into this feeling of like
Speaker 2: why when someone treats you so badly you will still
Speaker 2: fight so hard to keep the relationship and it's kind
Speaker 2: of like this crazy thing. Then when you're out of it,
Speaker 2: you're like, how did I ever put up with that behavior?
Speaker 2: How did they ever think I was never going to
Speaker 2: meet someone better than that? But when you're in it,
Speaker 2: and you're entrenched in something that with someone who treats
Speaker 2: you so badly, it's so all encompassing. If you're in it,
Speaker 2: like right now you, I'm talking to you. If you're
Speaker 2: in it, what you need to ask yourself is what
Speaker 2: is there about this relationship that's so good that it's
Speaker 2: worth putting up with feeling this crazy all the time for?
Speaker 2: And honestly, the answer should be nothing, Like, there is
Speaker 2: nothing in this world. There's no person, there is no man,
Speaker 2: there is no woman. There is literally nobody that is
Speaker 2: so important that they can rock your fundamental identity of yourself,
Speaker 2: that they can make you feel crazy, that they can
Speaker 2: make you lower your standards, that nobody is worth that
Speaker 2: at all.
Speaker 1: Ever, I think that the.
Speaker 2: Other thing that's really important to touch on in this
Speaker 2: is that we said it a little bit briefly at
Speaker 2: the start, but I really want to sit in it
Speaker 2: and make sure that we've covered it as well. Is
Speaker 2: that just because you're in a relationship where someone does
Speaker 2: gaslight as like their coping mechanism for an argument, doesn't
Speaker 2: mean that you're necessarily in a bad relationship. There is
Speaker 2: a very mild version of this as well, which comes
Speaker 2: from people who are poor communicators. They don't really deal
Speaker 2: with criticism or feedback very well, and it comes from
Speaker 2: an insecurity, It comes with like lack of self confidence.
Speaker 2: So I do think that there are some people who
Speaker 2: when you point out to them, hey, you've hurt my feelings,
Speaker 2: I feel like this, their initial reaction is to get
Speaker 2: defensive or to say no, I didn't I didn't do that.
Speaker 2: You know, I'm not the person you're saying that I am.
Speaker 2: And it's not because they're a bad person. It's not
Speaker 2: because it's a relationship that you should leave. It's just
Speaker 2: that they aren't very great at communicating when they feel attacked,
Speaker 2: and that's something that you absolutely can work on. That
Speaker 2: relationship is so salvageable, And that's probably a pretty normal
Speaker 2: part of like dealing with conflict in a relationship because
Speaker 2: a lot of people don't deal with criticism very well.
Speaker 2: I mean, I know I don't deal with criticism very well,
Speaker 2: and I know that I can be defensive sometimes when
Speaker 2: Matt tells me that I'm being a shit partner. The
Speaker 2: difference is is that, like, I want to be better,
Speaker 2: and I'm not intentionally manipulating him to get the outcome.
Speaker 2: I'm not intentionally trying to lie. Where this behavior becomes
Speaker 2: so toxic and so destructive is when someone knows they've
Speaker 2: done the wrong thing and their intent on lying about
Speaker 2: it and they're intent on like pulling the wool over
Speaker 2: your eyes.
Speaker 1: I want to jump in on what you just said
Speaker 1: and really reiterate that gas lighting is not the same
Speaker 1: as sensitivity. So what you just said. Some people can
Speaker 1: be really sensitive in a relationship and that's just who
Speaker 1: they are as a person, and they might take things
Speaker 1: a bit harsher, might be constructive criticism, but they get defensive.
Speaker 1: It's really important to differentiate if you are just being
Speaker 1: overly sensitive and the person is trying to give you
Speaker 1: constructive criticism, or if they're actually trying to alter your perception.
Speaker 1: Because there's a big difference with sensitivity and gaslighting.
Speaker 2: If you're in a relationship with someone who says things
Speaker 2: to you like you're so sensitive or you're being paranoid
Speaker 2: or you're acting crazy, or like you're making that up
Speaker 2: or oh, I was just joking, babe. Like all of
Speaker 2: these things are a way of kind of downplay and
Speaker 2: not validate the way that you're feeling. And I think
Speaker 2: that that that is like a very clear indication that
Speaker 2: when you are bringing an argument, not even an argument,
Speaker 2: when you're bringing conflict to the table, or when you're
Speaker 2: trying to express that there's something wrong or something that's
Speaker 2: upsetting you, then instead of taking responsibility and taking ownership,
Speaker 2: your partner instead is trying to flip the narrative and
Speaker 2: make you the bad person. And that undermines everything that
Speaker 2: you're feeling. It undermines everything that's happened, and that there's
Speaker 2: nowhere to go. If if you're telling your partner that
Speaker 2: you know you're upset by a situation and they won't
Speaker 2: even validate that that situation is real, then the only
Speaker 2: the only option you have is to back down from it,
Speaker 2: and it means that they get to win in like
Speaker 2: who wins in an argument. If both people in a
Speaker 2: relationship are like well rounded and really reasonable people, then
Speaker 2: it doesn't matter who comes with a you know, a
Speaker 2: disagreement or feeling upset like, a normal response to conflict
Speaker 2: is I'm sorry that I've made you feel like that,
Speaker 2: and what can I do to make it better? Like
Speaker 2: that is the that is the most normal reaction. But
Speaker 2: if you're not getting that from your partner, if you
Speaker 2: are afraid to talk to them about things that are
Speaker 2: making you upset because you're so scared that they're gonna
Speaker 2: dump you, or they're gonna start a fight, or you're
Speaker 2: gonna end up blowing up about it, then you really
Speaker 2: need to assess like that there's something fundamentally wrong there.
Speaker 2: And I think depending on where you're at in your relationship,
Speaker 2: it's much harder. Obviously, if you're married and you've got
Speaker 2: kids and you're having these blow ups, then I think
Speaker 2: that you need to go and speak to a counselor,
Speaker 2: or speak to a third party, or speak to somebody
Speaker 2: else about it. But if you're in the early early
Speaker 2: stages of a relationship, this is such a huge red
Speaker 2: flag that this is not the right relationship for you,
Speaker 2: and then like cut your losses and leave because you
Speaker 2: need to be validated. Conflict resolution is one of the
Speaker 2: most important aspects of a thriving and sustainable relationship, and
Speaker 2: if you don't have that early on. I don't think
Speaker 2: that that's something that you can really work towards.
Speaker 1: I do just want to make a note that I
Speaker 1: did get a lot of this information from a woman
Speaker 1: called Robin Stern. She is a licensed psychoanalyst. That is,
Speaker 1: she's an associate director at like the Yale Center for
Speaker 1: Emotional Intelligence, So she knows her stuff. This girl knows
Speaker 1: her shit. She knows her shit. But I just found
Speaker 1: it really interesting. She just says, quote, it's worth noting
Speaker 1: that in my practice, the gaslightter is typically a man,
Speaker 1: and the gaslight tee is typically a woman. In my
Speaker 1: clinical experience, many women are socialized to doubt themselves and
Speaker 1: continually apologize for disagreeing or upsetting their partners, but men
Speaker 1: are not. I find that really interesting that women, we
Speaker 1: are almost made now to be pleased, and we apologize
Speaker 1: constantly because we want to fix the situation. So it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter what the man is delivering to us or
Speaker 1: what the situation is. We usually just want to get
Speaker 1: it done and be like, fine, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2: So let's bring this back to a very very very
Speaker 2: pivotal thing that we have both watched this week, which
Speaker 2: is too hot to handle, and that was what got
Speaker 2: us onto this topic in the first place. So guys,
Speaker 2: if you haven't seen the series yet, then maybe skip
Speaker 2: ahead a little bit because I don't want to give
Speaker 2: wear any spoilers. But there is this section in the
Speaker 2: series where Harry and Francesca have made out, so they
Speaker 2: broke the rules, right, and then Harry goes back and
Speaker 2: he tells the guys, oh, Francesca made out with me.
Speaker 2: He throws her under the bus because she didn't. He
Speaker 2: completely completely was the one who, like he fully threw
Speaker 2: himself on her. If anything, it was a bit predatory,
Speaker 2: but whatever, so he is the one who did it,
Speaker 2: and then he throws her under the bus. He doesn't
Speaker 2: take any responsibility for it, like when she's sitting there
Speaker 2: being like, why are you saying this? Like I whatever,
Speaker 2: I didn't do that. It's obviously over. The relationship's done.
Speaker 2: She then starts dating somebody else, and he's like a
Speaker 2: wounded puppy because he hates seeing her dating somebody else.
Speaker 2: But she's done nothing wrong. Then she still has feelings
Speaker 2: for him, she wants to be with him. She kind
Speaker 2: of like regrets that she's gone and dated this other person,
Speaker 2: so she goes back to Harry and she starts having
Speaker 2: conversation with him about how she still has feelings for him,
Speaker 2: and instead of having like a mature and open conversation
Speaker 2: about this, Harry's response is, well, you know, I don't
Speaker 2: know if I can forgive you for what you've done.
Speaker 2: And she hadn't done anything wrong, but he had managed
Speaker 2: to flip the conversation and make her apologize for behavior
Speaker 2: that was actually his shitty behavior in the first place.
Speaker 1: Yeah, she was apologizing and begging for him back, and
Speaker 1: I found myself asking Sherry. I was like, did I
Speaker 1: miss something? What's she apologizing for? I couldn't work it
Speaker 1: out how how he got there and how she got there,
Speaker 1: But it was happening, and it was such blatant gas lighting,
Speaker 1: Like he was amazing at emotionally manipulating her at this point.
Speaker 2: But I think it's really important to acknowledge he is
Speaker 2: very young. He is twenty three years old, and that
Speaker 2: behavior is indicative of somebody who's young and who doesn't
Speaker 2: necessarily have like the full spectrum or experience in how
Speaker 2: to deal with conflict and how to treat someone who
Speaker 2: you know, he wanted to uphold bro code and like
Speaker 2: keep everyone happy. Like I don't think he dealt with
Speaker 2: it in the best way. But I do think that
Speaker 2: age plays a massive part in it, and I think
Speaker 2: that people who were in their early twenties are afforded
Speaker 2: a bit of time to be jerks. But when you're
Speaker 2: in your thirties, that's who you are. Like, if you're
Speaker 2: thirty three and you're doing shit like that, that's the
Speaker 2: man that you are. And I really think it's important
Speaker 2: that if you're in that point in your life and
Speaker 2: you're dating someone who is meant to be a man,
Speaker 2: and they're still displaying this sort of behavior, then it's
Speaker 2: never going to change, Like it's the person that they are.
Speaker 1: I do absolutely agree with what you said. Whilst it
Speaker 1: was a blatant example on Harry's behalf of gas lighting,
Speaker 1: I don't think there was anything malicious in there. I
Speaker 1: don't think it was intentional. I don't even know if
Speaker 1: he knew he was doing it. I think he would
Speaker 1: probably watch it. I imagine he would watch it back
Speaker 1: and be like, Wow, I didn't. I can see what
Speaker 1: that looks like now, as you know, as an outsider.
Speaker 2: Maybe it's kind of interesting that these people, like even
Speaker 2: for us when you do reality TV, you kind of
Speaker 2: watch yourself back and you're like, oh, yeah, I like
Speaker 2: that about myself and I don't like that about myself.
Speaker 2: It's almost a self development in and of itself the
Speaker 2: experiment because you see behaviors back that you can reflect on,
Speaker 2: which nobody ever really gets to watch, Like you never
Speaker 2: get to watch your life back in that sort of way.
Speaker 1: Oh. I found it really fascinating watching myself back. There
Speaker 1: was nothing that I did where I was like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, I'm horrible. I would have changed that, but
Speaker 1: it definitely I can't imagine these people watching themselves and
Speaker 1: not learning or taking something from it. For sure. If
Speaker 1: you guys haven't seen Too Hot to Handle yet, please
Speaker 1: go and see it. And I think we should talk
Speaker 1: about it on the Facebook page maybe. Okay.
Speaker 2: So I think if you're in a situation where you
Speaker 2: know that you're being gas lit city, then what do
Speaker 2: you do in this situation? Right, Like, what's your next
Speaker 2: step apart from like getting the fuck out of there?
Speaker 2: Which sometimes that's not always there, not like that's not
Speaker 2: always the solution. Like sometimes you can't just lead the relationship. Well,
Speaker 2: maybe you're not ready to, or maybe you don't want
Speaker 2: to and you actually want to work on it. What
Speaker 2: do you do to show your partner and explain to
Speaker 2: your partner like, this is behavior that's not acceptable and.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to stand for this. It can be
Speaker 1: excruciatingly difficult to pull yourself out of this sort of
Speaker 1: a toxic relationship and this sort of a power dynamic.
Speaker 1: But there are some steps that you can do. There
Speaker 1: are some things that you can do within yourself with
Speaker 1: other people in your life, so let's just nut out
Speaker 1: some of them. Obviously. Step one is identify the problem.
Speaker 1: Hopefully by now you have identified that from some of
Speaker 1: the things we've said before, the questions you can ask yourself.
Speaker 1: If you're not sure and you're a fensitter and you're like,
Speaker 1: am I crazy? Or is he doing this to me?
Speaker 1: They suggest you go to a friend or someone that's
Speaker 1: close to both of you and just say, don't protect me,
Speaker 1: don't sugarcoat it. Tell me, do you agree the way
Speaker 1: he treats me? Do you agree the way things he
Speaker 1: says to me? And just ask them, because you know
Speaker 1: that these people love you and they're going to tell
Speaker 1: you the truth. And if you go to them and say,
Speaker 1: don't sugarcoat it. Give it to me hard, give me
Speaker 1: the hard truth. They will do that, and you're gonna
Speaker 1: learn a lot from that, because these people only want
Speaker 1: the best for you.
Speaker 2: You're gonna go to your friends and ask them for
Speaker 2: their cold heart and honest opinion about your partner and
Speaker 2: about your relationship. Then you need to be really ready
Speaker 2: to make some changes, because it's really an unfair position
Speaker 2: to put your friends in to say, hey, give me,
Speaker 2: give me your opinion on my partner who treats me
Speaker 2: like shit, and they're going to tell you that and
Speaker 2: then be like, sweet, we're gonna stay together because we
Speaker 2: love each other forever. Like that's not fair. And I've
Speaker 2: done that to my friends before and it makes it
Speaker 2: really uncomfortable for them. So I think you can only
Speaker 2: really do that if you're at a point and at
Speaker 2: a at a crossroad where you need to make some
Speaker 2: hard decisions and you're ready to make those hard decisions,
Speaker 2: because otherwise it just becomes them against you. They feel
Speaker 2: uncomfortable because they have now said the wrong thing about
Speaker 2: your partner, and it's just it can open up a
Speaker 2: whole other can of worms with your relationship with your
Speaker 2: nearest and dearest, I think just on what Brits said
Speaker 2: as well, like, you know this is happening, draw a
Speaker 2: line in the sand in the way that you communicate
Speaker 2: with your partner, and as soon as you start seeing
Speaker 2: it happen in your conflicts, So when you have gone
Speaker 2: to your partner and said, this has upset me, and
Speaker 2: as soon as you start seeing their behavior when they're
Speaker 2: like that didn't happen or they're not acknowledging it, you
Speaker 2: call a spatu spade and say, like, this conversation is
Speaker 2: not going to happen like this. I am not going
Speaker 2: to sit here and not be validated for the way
Speaker 2: I feel. You're not going to tell me that this
Speaker 2: didn't happen, because I know it happened. And you really
Speaker 2: have to stand so strong in what you know is
Speaker 2: reality and what you believe and the way that you feel.
Speaker 2: Don't get crazy, don't get angry, don't yell, don't scream,
Speaker 2: because that is exactly the reaction that they want because
Speaker 2: they want you to yell, They want you to scream
Speaker 2: because by you yelling and screaming, it means that they
Speaker 2: get to then flip it and say, well, you're the
Speaker 2: one acting crazy now, because you kind of ah, but
Speaker 2: they've created that situation. So I think be very very
Speaker 2: mindful to not deliver the sort of conflict and not
Speaker 2: deliver the sort of argument that they're looking for.
Speaker 1: Something they suggest that you can do in terms of that,
Speaker 1: in terms of really nailing down the moment you're saying,
Speaker 1: am I crazy? Is to sort truth from distortion. So
Speaker 1: after you've had a conversation or a situation like this,
Speaker 1: immediately after, right down in a journal what happened to
Speaker 1: the point of the dialogue. Flow, write down what he said,
Speaker 1: write down what you've said, and then write down your feelings.
Speaker 1: That way you can track, you can pinpoint where your
Speaker 1: partner starts to go from reality into gas lighting into making.
Speaker 1: You can see the switch, and that way. It's so
Speaker 1: common for women and men. But it's so common to
Speaker 1: have a fight, have an argument and you are so
Speaker 1: upset and you you know you deserve better. But a
Speaker 1: week later, two weeks later, it's forgotten because you're back
Speaker 1: in love.
Speaker 2: And you forget facts like you forget details, like you
Speaker 2: might be like, well, on Tuesday you said this, and
Speaker 2: it's like, fuck, I can't remember it was Tuesday or Wednesday,
Speaker 2: Like I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't keep a.
Speaker 2: Mental analt I'm not keeping tabs on everything that you've done.
Speaker 2: I just know that this week, these several things have happened.
Speaker 2: That's upset me. I don't know the time, date, and
Speaker 2: place of all of them, so stop trying to trip
Speaker 2: me up on details.
Speaker 1: Well, that way, you've got the facts. You've got the facts,
Speaker 1: you can see where it strays from reality, and you
Speaker 1: can go back and remember and reread how you felt
Speaker 1: in that situation and just how far from the truth
Speaker 1: your partner strayed, how he made you feel.
Speaker 2: This is such an important tool for your own sanity
Speaker 2: to keep a journal of these sorts of things if
Speaker 2: you are in a very, very toxic place. But I
Speaker 2: do also think that if you're at a point where
Speaker 2: you need to keep a journal of your arguments with
Speaker 2: your partner, then you have some pretty big questions that
Speaker 2: you need to ask yourself, because that's a really dark
Speaker 2: place to be at. I don't think that anyone should
Speaker 2: ever be at a point in their relationship where they
Speaker 2: need to journal or write down the fights that they're
Speaker 2: having to be able to say, well, this is what happened,
Speaker 2: and this is what you said. I think that that
Speaker 2: in itself is such a huge indication that your relationship
Speaker 2: is so far gone past the point of repair that
Speaker 2: you need to start making some choices for yourself and everything.
Speaker 2: I'm so with you on this brick because everything that
Speaker 2: I read with it's like the best way of dealing
Speaker 2: with of someone who's gas letting you is to keep
Speaker 2: a journal and to keep information and to be able
Speaker 2: to kind of like time stamp this sort of conversation.
Speaker 2: But that just to me, I'm like, if you need
Speaker 2: to do that, then you need to leave for sure.
Speaker 1: But the thing is, it's easy for us to say
Speaker 1: that now we've both been in it, and we know
Speaker 1: it's not that easy about saying leave. So that's why
Speaker 1: we're actually telling you steps and giving you a process.
Speaker 1: And the next step in figuring this out is engaging
Speaker 1: in some mental exercises. And it's literally to shift your
Speaker 1: mindset because you're in this controlling relationship and this life
Speaker 1: where you can't imagine your life without this person. So
Speaker 1: they suggest that to shift your mindset, you start to
Speaker 1: do these exercises where you just start to visualize your
Speaker 1: life without your partner, visualize it on your own. What
Speaker 1: would you be doing differently, What could you be doing differently,
Speaker 1: what opportunities would come to you, and just start to
Speaker 1: think about your life without the other person, because chances
Speaker 1: are if you're in this relationship you have been codependent
Speaker 1: for a very long time. I felt like you can't
Speaker 1: make those decisions on your own. You don't know what
Speaker 1: you would do on your own. So that is a
Speaker 1: huge as for me. Someone that's super into meditation. Your
Speaker 1: mindset can change your whole path and the journey that
Speaker 1: you're on. So to start being and think about it positively.
Speaker 1: Don't think I'm on my own. I'm gonna be lonely.
Speaker 1: I don't know where to go, I'll have no one,
Speaker 1: I'll have nothing to do. You have to think of
Speaker 1: it in a positive light. I'm gonna have all this
Speaker 1: time to start these new hobbies. I can finally go
Speaker 1: and travel to this country because if he never wanted
Speaker 1: to go there.
Speaker 2: I can finally find somebody at some point who treats
Speaker 2: me with love and respect, who I don't feel is
Speaker 2: crazy with every single second of every single day, just
Speaker 2: like on this whole idea of like meditating and projecting
Speaker 2: a life of like what you could have if you
Speaker 2: weren't with somebody who makes you feel crazy all the time. Yes,
Speaker 2: I understand, and I've been there, like, trust me, I've
Speaker 2: been so deep in the trenches in this type of
Speaker 2: relationship where I felt like I couldn't imagine my life
Speaker 2: without them, and I couldn't see, like I couldn't see
Speaker 2: the forest of the trees. But what you need to
Speaker 2: ask yourself as well, is you are so unhappy in
Speaker 2: that relationship, Like a relationship where someone gas lads you
Speaker 2: is such an unhappy place to be in. And being
Speaker 2: on your own means that you get to control your
Speaker 2: own happiness.
Speaker 1: So when you're with.
Speaker 2: Someone who treats you badly, when you're in a toxic relationship,
Speaker 2: your happiness is so volatile. It grows up and down,
Speaker 2: up and down, high, so high, and then so low,
Speaker 2: all dependent on that other person and how that other
Speaker 2: person treats you and how that other person makes you feel.
Speaker 2: But when you take control back and you actually start
Speaker 2: living for yourself and making those decisions for yourself, you
Speaker 2: take ownership over your own happiness again, and you no
Speaker 2: longer have those peaks and troughs. You get to decide
Speaker 2: when you're happy. You get to decide what makes you happy,
Speaker 2: and you will honestly start living in this constantness of
Speaker 2: having control in your life, which I think is something
Speaker 2: that when you regain that after being after being out
Speaker 2: of control for so long, it's just like the most
Speaker 2: incredible experience.
Speaker 1: I'm really sat in this one thought about it for
Speaker 1: a long time because I think a lot of people
Speaker 1: will understand this. But when you're having this argument, when
Speaker 1: you're trying to figure out your situation, your relationship, don't
Speaker 1: worry about who's right and who's wrong. Don't be like,
Speaker 1: I'm right, you're he's like I'm right, you're right, You're wrong,
Speaker 1: you're wrong. It's not about who's right and wrong. It's
Speaker 1: about the feelings that you feel in that situation. Maybe
Speaker 1: he is right, but how did you feel in that journey,
Speaker 1: how did you feel in that conversation? Because your feelings
Speaker 1: are far more important than he was right in the conversation,
Speaker 1: And a lot of people really get swept up in that.
Speaker 1: They A woman will walk away to her friends and
Speaker 1: she will almost validate She'll almost validate it by saying, well,
Speaker 1: you know he was right, that's irrelevant. He made you
Speaker 1: feel like absolutely dirt The whole time, and that is
Speaker 1: more important than the fact that he was right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but also like just with any conflict, like and
Speaker 2: I think that this is this is important with any
Speaker 2: like disagreement in life, Like for example, Matt doesn't have
Speaker 2: to agree with me, like if we're having a fire,
Speaker 2: I don't and I feel a certain way about something.
Speaker 2: He doesn't need to agree that I'm right, like that's
Speaker 2: not what the fight is. But he does need to
Speaker 2: validate that he understands that I feel a certain way
Speaker 2: about something. So maybe I'm wrong, Like maybe I'm totally wrong,
Speaker 2: maybe he does do enough housework right, maybe I am
Speaker 2: being a little bit irrational, But he still needs to say,
Speaker 2: I understand that you're upset, and what can I do
Speaker 2: to help make this better? You still need to validate
Speaker 2: that someone is upset and someone is hurting by completely
Speaker 2: disregarding that, you're disregarding any way for growth, you're disregarding
Speaker 2: any way for the two of you to be able
Speaker 2: to kind of resolve this situation amicably, it becomes about
Speaker 2: exactly what Bridges said, I'm right, you're wrong. I'm big,
Speaker 2: you're small. I have control you don't. And that's not
Speaker 2: what conflict or conversation or arguments should be about.
Speaker 1: When we were sort of looking into this, I did
Speaker 1: learn a new word. I learn a new term, and
Speaker 1: it's like a subcategory of gas lighting, and I wanted
Speaker 1: to highlight it because I had never heard of it before.
Speaker 1: It's called bright side.
Speaker 2: It is something that we spoke about though, So this
Speaker 2: was like very opportunistic in that when we did the
Speaker 2: miscarriage episode a couple of weeks back now, when one
Speaker 2: of the things I spoke about on that episode is
Speaker 2: that people often unintentionally make the situation worse by constantly
Speaker 2: telling you like, oh, like you know, you should be
Speaker 2: positive about the fact that you already have a baby,
Speaker 2: or like lucky it was really early, and there's this
Speaker 2: a little bit of insensitivity that comes with people trying
Speaker 2: to make you feel better about the whole fact that
Speaker 2: you're having a miscarriage. And then Britt was talking about
Speaker 2: this episode and she came across this word, which is
Speaker 2: bright siding.
Speaker 1: And I literally, look on the bright side. That's where
Speaker 1: it has come from, people constantly saying look on the
Speaker 1: bright side.
Speaker 2: And it's another way of gas lighting, I guess, but
Speaker 2: it's definitely not a severe and it comes with good intention,
Speaker 2: but it's the same concept. And what bright siding is
Speaker 2: is that means that somebody is putting their own discomfort
Speaker 2: and having a conversation with you. So, for example, if
Speaker 2: you're telling someone that you've had a miscarriage, they don't
Speaker 2: want to feel uncomfortable in that conversation, and so their
Speaker 2: response to say like, oh, you know, like lucky it
Speaker 2: was early on is an attempt for them to make
Speaker 2: the situation better so that they don't feel uncomfortable, and
Speaker 2: it's not validating the hurt that you feel, because by
Speaker 2: validating the hurt that you feel, there is this error
Speaker 2: of like, oh, it's uncomfortable to deal with someone's grief,
Speaker 2: it's uncomfortable to deal with someone's pain, it's uncomfortable to
Speaker 2: deal with somebody else who feels uncomfortable. So we do,
Speaker 2: and I think a lot of us do this just
Speaker 2: a normal like life and day to day like problems.
Speaker 2: It's like easier to say, oh, you know, the situation
Speaker 2: is not as bad as you're making it out.
Speaker 1: Or it's literally like having someone before s beetter shit sandwich,
Speaker 1: but saying to them you should be appreciating the free lunch. Oh,
Speaker 1: I like that, yeah, let them let them sit in
Speaker 1: the fact that they're eating a shit sandwich. Yeah they're
Speaker 1: getting free food, for sure, they're still shit, but it's shit.
Speaker 1: It so, and it's really hard because somebody like me,
Speaker 1: I'm a very optimistic person and I do want to
Speaker 1: look on the bright side of things as much as possible,
Speaker 1: but I am I like to think I'm pretty careful
Speaker 1: with it, and I can assess the situation and I
Speaker 1: do try to realize that I want to be here
Speaker 1: for you and support you and be positive. But there
Speaker 1: are times where you're like, you know what, this is shit,
Speaker 1: and let's just sit in this for a minute because
Speaker 1: there's nothing we can say. So that I think that
Speaker 1: it's really hard and it's a really fine line, and
Speaker 1: you can't hold it against your friends or anyone in
Speaker 1: your life if they do say these things to you
Speaker 1: or they are bright siding you, because you have to
Speaker 1: know that this isn't a narcissistic or manipulative or malicious
Speaker 1: type of gas lighting. It's an unintentional type of gaslighting.
Speaker 1: But like you said with your miscarriage chat, it doesn't
Speaker 1: help the situation. And sometimes people need to just have
Speaker 1: someone say to them that sucks.
Speaker 2: Bright siding, bright setting, which is like just a tangent
Speaker 2: of gas lighting. It is definitely not as bad as
Speaker 2: gas lighting, and it is not an intentional, malicious evil
Speaker 2: thing that we do like it is. It is so
Speaker 2: far from that. But it's just an interesting thing that like,
Speaker 2: as human behavior, we want to kind of make people
Speaker 2: feel better, but by doing that, sometimes we make people
Speaker 2: feel worse.
Speaker 1: And when Britt brought it up, I was like, Oh
Speaker 1: my god, that is that.
Speaker 2: That's that word. That's that thing that we were talking about.
Speaker 2: And I didn't know that it had a name, but
Speaker 2: now it has a name, just which a gaslight does.
Speaker 1: We didn't know how to label it. We didn't know
Speaker 1: what it was.
Speaker 2: We did, but everything's got to label, guys, and so
Speaker 2: you know, label If you're in a relationship with someone
Speaker 2: and you feel like they're gas lighting you, then you
Speaker 2: need to have conversations around this. You need to make
Speaker 2: some changes in your life because it's such as scary
Speaker 2: and uncomfortable and like belittling place to be and in
Speaker 2: your relationship. Oh my god, girlfriend, you deserve so much
Speaker 2: more than that. And if I think it's more friends,
Speaker 2: probably who brightside? I think it's friends who have good
Speaker 2: intention to try and make you feel better, but I
Speaker 2: do think that sometimes sometimes it's misguided. And it's also
Speaker 2: okay to have a conversation with your friends and say
Speaker 2: that you know you don't need them to make you
Speaker 2: feel better, you just need them to listen. And that's
Speaker 2: an important conversation to have as well. Both different, both
Speaker 2: very important.
Speaker 1: I really really am passionate about this topic and I'm
Speaker 1: so glad that we put this out there and put
Speaker 1: it together, and as somebody that has been through it
Speaker 1: to the extreme and on a more basic level as well,
Speaker 1: I hope that you guys got something from this. And
Speaker 1: I think this is the sort of episode that maybe
Speaker 1: you know a friend or you know someone that is
Speaker 1: in this sort of a toxic situation, but you don't
Speaker 1: know how to approach it. It might be as simple
Speaker 1: as just sending them this episode, tag them in ite,
Speaker 1: say listen to these girls, and then they might sort
Speaker 1: of have some triggers and there might be some things
Speaker 1: that stick out to them during this episode and they'll
Speaker 1: get there on their own, or maybe they can listen
Speaker 1: to it and then you can talk to them as
Speaker 1: a friend. Then you can say once you've listened to it.
Speaker 1: Let's have a chat.
Speaker 2: But here to be that little subtle soothing voice in
Speaker 2: your ear?
Speaker 1: So are we soothing? I don't know. I don't know.
Speaker 1: Is my laugh soothing? Jesus Christ? No, do you know what?
Speaker 1: I almost feel like? You know, when you hang out
Speaker 1: with someone too much, you start to like get their characteristics.
Speaker 1: I feel like you hang around me too, Like I
Speaker 1: think we're hanging around on each other too much that
Speaker 1: I think sometimes your laugh gets a bit magnic life mine, like,
Speaker 1: I'm worried I'm rubbing off on you.
Speaker 2: You're okay, you think that it's you, You're You're the influence.
Speaker 1: Sometimes your laugh gets a bit mannic, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: she's caught it.
Speaker 2: No, I think I've always had a bit of a
Speaker 2: manic laugh, to be honest. I think I just kept
Speaker 2: it under wraps at the start, and I'm like, free
Speaker 2: the beast.
Speaker 1: You want to know something funny?
Speaker 2: When I went on The Bachelor, we finished as that
Speaker 2: is is like, that's us rapping. Oh yeah, gas lighting's over, guys,
Speaker 2: next topic. When I went on the Bachelor, I just
Speaker 2: thought of this now. My family was like, have fun,
Speaker 2: just just be yourself.
Speaker 1: Because you're great, like, you know, be just be kind.
Speaker 1: But if we have any advice for you, it's just
Speaker 1: don't let the laugh out.
Speaker 2: That's what they said, which I I just sort of say, guys,
Speaker 2: like one of the biggest points of like, like the
Speaker 2: most highlighted review that we get is that people are like,
Speaker 2: I fucking love Britney's laugh and I fucking love Britney's life.
Speaker 1: It's out there, you're here for it.
Speaker 2: And also just on that this is like before we
Speaker 2: get into ask gun Card, I just want to throw
Speaker 2: this one out there. We have had so many incredibly
Speaker 2: wonderful reviews lately and I am just like beyond gobsmacked
Speaker 2: and so grateful, and we both like from time to
Speaker 2: time send them to each other because we're like, oh
Speaker 2: my god, you know, here's a bit of a confidence.
Speaker 1: Boost for you.
Speaker 2: But we love making this podcast so much, and we
Speaker 2: love having these chats, and we love putting them out there,
Speaker 2: and it just fills us with so much gratitude that
Speaker 2: we know that this has helped some of you at
Speaker 2: different points in your life, and that's the whole purpose
Speaker 2: of what we're doing this for. If you walk away
Speaker 2: from some of these episodes feeling empowered. If you walk
Speaker 2: away from them feeling supported. That is the whole purpose
Speaker 2: of this. And so for every single person who has
Speaker 2: left a positive review or has reached out like we
Speaker 2: are so humbled and so incredibly grateful for that.
Speaker 1: I think you wanted to put that in there. Thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you. All Right, guys, so I did
Speaker 1: throw a little stanner in the works and say that
Speaker 1: we were going to do and ask Unkart on today's
Speaker 1: episode to be prepared. Well, I just have to saying,
Speaker 1: though you didn't know we were doing it, you got one. Well,
Speaker 1: I didn't know, but I'm just super prepared. I like this.
Speaker 1: I like a prepared woman.
Speaker 2: So because we you know, obviously we didn't do the
Speaker 2: Tuesday episode, Thursday EP's meant to be asked on cart
Speaker 2: We get so many freaking questions from you guys, and
Speaker 2: we love it. So I don't want to deal with
Speaker 2: the backlog. So We're just going to do one question
Speaker 2: because this is already going to be a super long episode.
Speaker 2: So one question, Britt, come at me.
Speaker 1: Bra I met this guy just before we went into isolation,
Speaker 1: literally three days. As soon as we went into lockdown.
Speaker 1: It was all on. He was all over me. We
Speaker 1: were still seeing each other, so we were sort of
Speaker 1: isolating together and it was absolutely fantastic. In the last week,
Speaker 1: since restrictions have started to lift, he has gone a
Speaker 1: bit colder. I'm not really hearing from him anymore, and
Speaker 1: I think he's pulling back because I soo he's lifting.
Speaker 1: What do I do? How do I approach this? Is
Speaker 1: that a thing? Oh? Girlfriend? Oh, it's such a thing. Oh,
Speaker 1: it's such a thing. And you're not alone. This is okay.
Speaker 2: I feel like there's going to be a lot of
Speaker 2: people who are going to be in this situation and
Speaker 2: it's shit because you've just invested what like seven weeks
Speaker 2: of your life into someone and in a way, like
Speaker 2: I think the thing that we really need to think
Speaker 2: about with this is that it's seven weeks of real intensity,
Speaker 2: because if you have isolated with that person, it's not
Speaker 2: just like, oh, I've been seeing this guy for seven weeks.
Speaker 2: It's like five, six, seven weeks of every single day,
Speaker 2: almost all day, being in each other's space. So that's
Speaker 2: that is like a full baptism of fire. That is
Speaker 2: a pressure cooker of a relationship from the start. It's
Speaker 2: understandable and one of the things I'm sympathizing with is
Speaker 2: that you're probably a lot more emotionally invested than what
Speaker 2: you would be normally if you had just met a
Speaker 2: guy and you casually dated for five weeks.
Speaker 1: Oh. Absolutely, things are so heightened in this environment. I
Speaker 1: feel like it's the Bachelor Mansion all over again.
Speaker 2: It's literally, Yeah, I was like almost engaged after three
Speaker 2: months of knowing a guy, So I yeah, like you
Speaker 2: think you love them after three days, but I did.
Speaker 1: The idea is you are in an environment where if
Speaker 1: you've just started seeing someone and you're locked down, all
Speaker 1: you're thinking about, or you're speaking the only person you're
Speaker 1: speaking to, you're spending all your time with this person.
Speaker 1: But I am going to give you some tough love
Speaker 1: here and say, if he's pulling back now just because
Speaker 1: he's free, A, you're too good for him. B. You
Speaker 1: could always have the conversation with him. But girl, it
Speaker 1: is about to be a froth fest. As soon as
Speaker 1: we are out of here. It is going to be insane.
Speaker 1: The dating the people that are out, everyone's going to
Speaker 1: be wanting to meet new people. So I think you
Speaker 1: don't put too much pressure on it, and see it
Speaker 1: sucks and it's unfortunate, and you don't want to think
Speaker 1: that you were in it, but it sounds like potentially
Speaker 1: you were in a situationship and that ladies and gentlemen
Speaker 1: is a thing.
Speaker 2: I am still dealing deeply with the fact that you
Speaker 2: said froth fest, but I'm gonna overlook that for one second.
Speaker 2: He's actually will be a froth fest. I'm so deeply traumatized.
Speaker 2: But what i want to say is like this, like
Speaker 2: if this is what this guy's done, Like if he
Speaker 2: has just bunkered down with you for for six weeks,
Speaker 2: like that's shit, Like he has treated you badly, and
Speaker 2: that is a really really shit thing to do to someone,
Speaker 2: to use them emotionally and physically, to be able to
Speaker 2: have them as a support person because he didn't want
Speaker 2: to be on his own. Like that is a that
Speaker 2: is all characteristics of a bad, bad guy, and someone
Speaker 2: who doesn't respect you, and someone who doesn't respect your time,
Speaker 2: and someone who doesn't respect your feelings. So I'm like already,
Speaker 2: like if he's pulling back now and actually like not
Speaker 2: giving you the attention and the love and affirmation that
Speaker 2: he was giving you last week, and you really do
Speaker 2: genuinely think it's because the lockdown is lifting, then that
Speaker 2: for me is like red flag, red flag, red flag,
Speaker 2: red flag, but some distance in place, because you were
Speaker 2: not somebody's emotional sounding board. You're not there just to
Speaker 2: make somebody else feel better. And if you really thought
Speaker 2: this was a relationship and something that you'd invested your
Speaker 2: time and you'll love into, then you need to take
Speaker 2: care of yourself now if you're not being treated the
Speaker 2: way you deserve.
Speaker 1: I agree, and I do want to add one thing,
Speaker 1: and it's I guess it's in a way I'm bright siding,
Speaker 1: but I think in a situation like this, it's important
Speaker 1: to not necessarily straight away feel defensive and like he
Speaker 1: used you, but maybe look at it like you were
Speaker 1: both in a really bad situation that the whole world,
Speaker 1: no one expected it, no one you ought to do
Speaker 1: with it, and you probably helped each other through it.
Speaker 1: You found each other at the right time. I'm sure
Speaker 1: he helped you through it a lot. I'm sure he
Speaker 1: made the experience better. And maybe that's just a nicer
Speaker 1: way to look at it. Okay, he's not my penguin.
Speaker 1: It sucks, but I probably wouldn't have had such a
Speaker 1: good time or had the support I needed in this
Speaker 1: time if it wasn't for him, So it's just another
Speaker 1: way to have a look at it.
Speaker 2: No, I don't think that's bright siding, And I actually
Speaker 2: love that, Like I mean, I had I was like,
Speaker 2: the guy's a dickhead. No, but I love that you've
Speaker 2: said that because I think that that's so true. Like,
Speaker 2: you know, you can focus on the negative parts of
Speaker 2: the fact that the relationship hasn't or isn't working out,
Speaker 2: but the relationship may not have worked out anyway. So
Speaker 2: if you've been able to get support and love and
Speaker 2: during a really really stressful and anxious time have someone
Speaker 2: there to come, you know, to be at home with
Speaker 2: and to have fun with, then that's really special in
Speaker 2: and of itself.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Not every relationship that we have in life needs to
Speaker 2: turn into the one.
Speaker 1: No, it just can't. Possibly it's part of the journey.
Speaker 1: He was part of your journey, and he got you
Speaker 1: to where you are. And if that's the case, then
Speaker 1: you can look back at that time fondly. It doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be a really negative memory for you, because
Speaker 1: we're all going to remember Corona for the rest of
Speaker 1: our lives.
Speaker 2: Also maybe you have some really good stories from your
Speaker 2: time in isolation exactly well in your house and more
Speaker 2: stories than I got.
Speaker 1: All right, Laura, you know we never finished an episode,
Speaker 1: and that our suck and our sweet, our highlights, lowlights,
Speaker 1: the best, the worst. What happened to you this week?
Speaker 2: Well, my low light was definitely Marley being sick. Like
Speaker 2: that's a that's a low low low light. It's pretty
Speaker 2: much off. The light is off.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's the electricity is cut. Yes, thank you for
Speaker 1: running with my joke. It wasn't even funny in the
Speaker 1: first place. But I'm here for you and I always
Speaker 1: try to make sport.
Speaker 2: So my low light was Marley being sick. My low
Speaker 2: light was also missing the EPP. My other low light
Speaker 2: is that I have to stay up and edit this EPP.
Speaker 2: There's a few low light Laura doesn't know the rules.
Speaker 2: You're only supposed to have one, but I'm going to
Speaker 2: give it to you this week. You deserve it.
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you soo much. My highlight is oh look,
Speaker 1: my highlight's boring. It's too hot to handle. I really
Speaker 1: enjoyed it.
Speaker 2: Like guys, I'm here for the shit TV watch it.
Speaker 1: It was great.
Speaker 2: If you have five eight hour I can't even know.
Speaker 2: It's like, it's like, who knows how many episodes it is,
Speaker 2: but it's great.
Speaker 1: I think that's my I think it's eight. I'm okay,
Speaker 1: So my second sweite, I'm gonna preempt it. Well.
Speaker 2: Also, Matt has cooked dinner almost every night this week.
Speaker 2: That's also my highlight. He's been an angel mine alone.
Speaker 2: That's amazing. An angel.
Speaker 1: Shout out to Maddie J.
Speaker 2: He's an angel sent from the heavens. All we have
Speaker 2: to do is get angry at them once and then
Speaker 2: they really pull themselves into line.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm going to preempt my suck and swee with. Firstly,
Speaker 1: my suck. Yes, I'm aware we're at different points of
Speaker 1: our life and my suck is ridiculous, but it sucked.
Speaker 1: I shouted myself a coffee machine, like a little at
Speaker 1: home coffee machine, because I thought I'm gonna save heaps
Speaker 1: of money by not buying my coffees out every day.
Speaker 1: Bought this machine. Then I went ham buying the pods
Speaker 1: for it. Must have had like one hundred pods. Because
Speaker 1: you love the environment. They're recyclable, you know, are they? Oh? Sorry,
Speaker 1: continue shouted myself some pods. Went hardcore, went ham got
Speaker 1: probably one hundred pods because I was just gonna use
Speaker 1: them for the rest of my life. I got the
Speaker 1: wrong size pods. They don't fit into my coffee machine,
Speaker 1: don't have my receipt, can't return them. I now have. Well,
Speaker 1: so you really do hate the environment? Hate? Yeare you
Speaker 1: go unintentionally though? Oh that's a real way. So I
Speaker 1: put them up on Bonde loop. I'm just gonna throw
Speaker 1: them out like a don't you get no throw them
Speaker 1: like you get a pod?
Speaker 2: You get a pod like day for maybe I could
Speaker 2: take them. Leta, Now I got an espresso machine. That's
Speaker 2: a shame, okay, fancy pants, We.
Speaker 1: Really went all out. My sweet was actually it was Laura.
Speaker 1: It was you this week. Laura knows me very well,
Speaker 1: and she gave me the gift of cookie dough. She
Speaker 1: gave me a log of Bennett Street cookie dough. She
Speaker 1: knows how much I love it. And it was as
Speaker 1: simple as that. It was just a little deed that
Speaker 1: made my week.
Speaker 2: Brittany is a very very easy person to please, so
Speaker 2: long as it is calorie dense and full of sugar.
Speaker 1: She is the happiest woman on this planet. I'm here
Speaker 1: for it.
Speaker 2: Guys, thank you so much for listening to another episode.
Speaker 2: And like I know we've already said it, but I'm
Speaker 2: so sorry that we couldn't get Tuesday to you. We
Speaker 2: really do try and be so like consistent and disciplined
Speaker 2: with getting this out, but you know what, sometimes life
Speaker 2: just throws your curveball.
Speaker 1: Some may say sometimes life is uncut. Who would say that, Brittany, Well,
Speaker 1: we would No, Guys, we appreciate, we appreciate you there.
Speaker 1: We appreciate your support and your love and the fact
Speaker 1: that you keep coming back. And guys, if you haven't
Speaker 1: signed up for our Facebook page, we have a really beautiful,
Speaker 1: supportive and hilarious little community going on at Life Uncut Podcast.
Speaker 1: Jump on Facebook, falls on Instagram, hit five stars, leave review,
Speaker 1: tell your dog, tell you Mom, tell you Nan, and
Speaker 1: share the love because we love live.
Speaker 3: The Kabata were by kakabaaaa