WEBVTT - GAS LIT CITY BABY

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<v Speaker 1>Are we live? You're live? Okay? I still really need

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<v Speaker 1>to fart. I need to go to the bath. Oh

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<v Speaker 1>do you all right? We'll just start. I think it's

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<v Speaker 1>in your head. No, that was in my button.

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<v Speaker 2>Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm Laura and I'm Brittany, and this should be our

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<v Speaker 2>Tuesday episode, except very confusing. We know it is Thursday,

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<v Speaker 2>and we're very very sorry that we couldn't bring you

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<v Speaker 2>our episode this week.

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<v Speaker 1>We did, I say we we as a collective podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>We did have a crazy and we couldn't get it

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<v Speaker 1>to you. But there is very very good reason. Laura,

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, what's your bloody excuse? No, I was

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<v Speaker 1>just supporting you.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank you, and I feel I feel hell, I feel supported.

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<v Speaker 2>I feel seen sorry guys that we couldn't get you it.

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<v Speaker 2>We had a really hard week with Marley. She she

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<v Speaker 2>came down with some sort of viral bug, and which

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<v Speaker 2>is crazy because we have not left the house. We

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<v Speaker 2>have not done anything at all for almost five weeks now,

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<v Speaker 2>so somehow somewhere in our house she's managed to pick

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<v Speaker 2>up some sort of virus and we spent a couple

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<v Speaker 2>of nights back and forth from hospital with her, and yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>it was a bit stressful. So that took numero uno

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<v Speaker 2>priority this week.

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<v Speaker 1>Absolutely, Like and the crazy thing that I thought was

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<v Speaker 1>Laura is messaging me. She's like, we're in hospital again

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<v Speaker 1>throughout the night. She's like, we can still try and

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<v Speaker 1>record tomorrow. Like you were still trying. You were like,

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<v Speaker 1>I feel bad and I want to get the episode out.

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<v Speaker 1>And I had to sort of pull the rug from

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<v Speaker 1>under you a little bit and say, absolutely not. I

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<v Speaker 1>want when gore team down. You didn't, but I love

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<v Speaker 1>your dedication. But there's a time for it, and this

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<v Speaker 1>was this is more important. And sometimes there are a

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<v Speaker 1>few things in life that are going to trumpet, but

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<v Speaker 1>family is one of them. Guys.

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<v Speaker 2>Sometimes life just gets ya. And you know what, having

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<v Speaker 2>a sick kid is worse than having a man with

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<v Speaker 2>men flu. So if you don't have a kid and

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<v Speaker 2>so you're not we can't quite figure out what that's like.

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<v Speaker 2>Think of when your boyfriend or your ex boyfriend or

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<v Speaker 2>your dad has been sick. It's about ten times worse

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<v Speaker 2>than that. But she's completely on the men now. Hopefully

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<v Speaker 2>she's out of the woods. Are we out of the woods?

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<v Speaker 2>Are we out of the woods.

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<v Speaker 1>But that is our reason, guys, and thank you. You're

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<v Speaker 1>always so understanding. Always, I say always, We've only ever

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<v Speaker 1>done this once, but you guys were really understanding that time,

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<v Speaker 1>and we're very, very grateful with how understanding you were

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<v Speaker 1>this week as well.

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<v Speaker 2>So this is going to be a bit of a

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<v Speaker 2>longer episode because we are also going to merge in

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<v Speaker 2>and ask uncut.

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<v Speaker 1>We hadn't talked about that, but are we're bringing that

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<v Speaker 1>on you now?

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<v Speaker 2>Brittany, I just looked like, well, my what this is

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<v Speaker 2>news to me, news to you, news to everyone. We're

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<v Speaker 2>going to merge in and ask uncut at the end,

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<v Speaker 2>so guys, just strap yourselves.

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<v Speaker 1>In, put in some undies. It's gonna be a good episode. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>something great did happen to me this week? I'll go

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<v Speaker 1>on then tell me all about it. It was just

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<v Speaker 1>that you watched Too Hot to Handle, and that's great

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<v Speaker 1>for me because now we can talk about it.

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<v Speaker 2>So last episode recommended too all that we should watch

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<v Speaker 2>Too Hot to Handle, And like, guys, I'm.

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<v Speaker 1>A sicko for reality TV. You know that.

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<v Speaker 2>I just didn't want to get on board because I

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<v Speaker 2>knew that it would be many hours of my life

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<v Speaker 2>that i'd never get back, and I managed to watch

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<v Speaker 2>the entire series in two days, and.

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<v Speaker 1>It's so good. It's so good.

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<v Speaker 2>It's freaking disgusting, and I hate it with every single

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<v Speaker 2>fiber in my body.

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<v Speaker 1>And I love it as well. You felt like you

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<v Speaker 1>were losing some brain cells and you felt like I

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<v Speaker 1>shouldn't be watching this. There has to be something more

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<v Speaker 1>productive I can do with my life. But you couldn't

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<v Speaker 1>look away like you just you were so invested in

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<v Speaker 1>seeing what happened and seeing who got with who. And

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<v Speaker 1>I don't even know if it was that, but it

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<v Speaker 1>was just I was in hysterics, constant laughing at them

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<v Speaker 1>with them at the host Lana. Oh my god, Lana.

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<v Speaker 1>I need Lana. Can Lana start a podcast? I'm here

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<v Speaker 1>for it. I'm gonna blow your mind right now ready.

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<v Speaker 1>One of our listeners wrote in today to me personally,

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<v Speaker 1>She's like, I just feel like you need this information.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you know where they got the name Lana from? Where?

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<v Speaker 1>You can't laugh at your own joke before you But

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<v Speaker 1>Lana Lana? What is Lana backwards? Anal? That's pretty surely

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<v Speaker 1>that is not the motivator.

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<v Speaker 2>Hey, guys, have some deep connection, really form that laughing bond.

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<v Speaker 1>But that's not It's a show is a piss take.

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<v Speaker 1>Lana laughs at them, not with them the whole time.

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<v Speaker 1>She's always making fun of them. Like I one hundred

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<v Speaker 1>percent think that it is anal backwards. That's why they've

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<v Speaker 1>done it. It was forethought, for sure, I premeditated. I am

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<v Speaker 1>on board. I have watched the whole thing.

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<v Speaker 2>I am a convert born again, too hot to hand

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<v Speaker 2>or sick a fantic I love it. I'm sure that

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<v Speaker 2>some people are gonna think less of us for this,

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<v Speaker 2>but you know what, that's I have no other recommendations

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<v Speaker 2>for this week. My recommendation is your recommendation from last week.

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<v Speaker 2>So what did you think of the show now you've

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<v Speaker 2>watched it. There's so many aspects of it that I liked.

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<v Speaker 2>I liked that there wasn't this forced dating that happened

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<v Speaker 2>from it, so like unlike and I know we talked

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<v Speaker 2>about this a little bit just between us, but sort

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<v Speaker 2>of for the listeners.

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<v Speaker 1>I like that in sort of.

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<v Speaker 2>Like comparison to say, like The Bachelor or married at

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<v Speaker 2>first sight, there's these forced connections that have to happen,

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<v Speaker 2>like you are encouraged to get into a relationship, and

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<v Speaker 2>you only win by being in a relationship. I really

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<v Speaker 2>really like this whole idea with Too Hot to Handle

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<v Speaker 2>that you can still win, you can still be a

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<v Speaker 2>full participant in the experiment, and you can still grow

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<v Speaker 2>within the experiment without being in a relationship, and that

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<v Speaker 2>is a really interesting take on a dating show that's

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<v Speaker 2>not happened before. I also liked that there was no

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<v Speaker 2>specific villain, so I think sometimes in The Bachelor, and

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<v Speaker 2>this is one thing that always comes up each season

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<v Speaker 2>and is a real point of contention, But in this

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<v Speaker 2>there doesn't need to be in There doesn't need to

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<v Speaker 2>be a villain, like there's no manufactured villain. It just

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<v Speaker 2>follows the storyline of these people. It follows the storyline

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<v Speaker 2>of their conversations, of their interactions, and it doesn't feel

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<v Speaker 2>as though a plot has already been manufactured, Whereas I

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<v Speaker 2>do think that sometimes with The Bachelor, they already know

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<v Speaker 2>what role they want each character to play. And I

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<v Speaker 2>didn't get that vibe from Too Hot to Handle, and

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<v Speaker 2>I loved how fresh that felt for a reality TV show.

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<v Speaker 1>I agree, but I thought, when you agree with that,

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<v Speaker 1>known as a bottle, we'll shut up. I do think

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<v Speaker 1>that Francesca was supposed to be their version of the villain.

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<v Speaker 1>She wasn't a villain, and she wasn't the bully or anything,

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<v Speaker 1>but if you had to pick someone, she was the

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<v Speaker 1>one that was sort of a bit controversial, breaking the rules,

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<v Speaker 1>doing the wrong thing, not caring about what anyone said.

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<v Speaker 1>She was all about her, So I think she was

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<v Speaker 1>supposed to be that person of the series.

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<v Speaker 2>I still think that she was lovable in her own way,

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<v Speaker 2>Like she definitely did some things that were villainous, but

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<v Speaker 2>she made those decisions and she was very vocal about that.

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<v Speaker 2>But I don't think that the edit really it didn't

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<v Speaker 2>seem like they were chopping changing. They didn't sound like

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<v Speaker 2>they were doing sound biting at all where they were

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<v Speaker 2>taking bits and pieces of a conversation to create or

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<v Speaker 2>manufacture storyline. It really felt like it was naturally following

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<v Speaker 2>what these people were experiencing, what was happening.

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<v Speaker 1>I just I.

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<v Speaker 2>Really surprisingly enjoyed it. I dedicated a good solid five

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<v Speaker 2>hours per night to watching the whole thing, and I

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<v Speaker 2>got it done in two days. So guys, if you

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<v Speaker 2>haven't seen it yet, we don't really want to give

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<v Speaker 2>away full spoilers but this does lead us into our

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<v Speaker 2>conversation for today's episode, which is going to be on

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<v Speaker 2>gas lighting. Very Much pointed out that she felt that

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<v Speaker 2>Harry had gas lighted Francesca at one point, and we'll

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<v Speaker 2>get into how we kind of saw that play out.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you say gas lid or gas lighted? Oh? Then

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<v Speaker 1>it gave me on the ground. And now that's a

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<v Speaker 1>general I don't know because I don't know because usually

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<v Speaker 1>you'd say, are you the gas lighter or the gas

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<v Speaker 1>light tee? Yeah, I actually don't know that one. Let's

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<v Speaker 1>just say gasolate city. Do you want me to stop? Anyway,

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<v Speaker 1>there was a segment where one of the guys and

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<v Speaker 1>I egay Harry, who you love at the end. And

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<v Speaker 1>this is the thing. They all have great progression in

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<v Speaker 1>their storylines, and they come full circle and there's moments

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<v Speaker 1>where you hate them and you can't believe that they're

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<v Speaker 1>doing this or saying this, and then they come full

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<v Speaker 1>circle and you love them. But there was a moment

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<v Speaker 1>at the beginning where Harry I believe completely and I

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<v Speaker 1>think I mean, I've seen a lot of articles on

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<v Speaker 1>it too. The world thinks that he completely gasolit gaslighted

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<v Speaker 1>Francesca he did the wrong thing, threw her under the bus,

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<v Speaker 1>embarrassed her in front of his friends, and then somehow

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<v Speaker 1>made her come to him, apologizing and basically begging for

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<v Speaker 1>him back. And he was saying, I don't think I

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<v Speaker 1>can forgive you for this. And I was sitting there

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<v Speaker 1>with my sister and I was like, how is this happening?

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<v Speaker 1>How is this woman, who you can tell she's smart.

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<v Speaker 1>How is this beautiful, intelligent woman begging for him back

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<v Speaker 1>and apologizing after what he just did to her? And

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<v Speaker 1>that's what got me thinking, how this must happen all

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<v Speaker 1>the time I've been in this situation personally, I know

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<v Speaker 1>you have. I think a lot of women have, and

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<v Speaker 1>it's not overly spoken about. But before we get into

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<v Speaker 1>the real meaty part of the episode, Britt, how was

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<v Speaker 1>your week? Bean? I actually have a funny story to

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<v Speaker 1>tell you. It wasn't me, but you just reminded me

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<v Speaker 1>of it. So my sister, Sherry's boyfriend Jay, he's from Scotland,

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<v Speaker 1>so any story is funnier just because he says in

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<v Speaker 1>a Scottish accent, he was just super casually telling us

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<v Speaker 1>about something that happened to him the other day. He

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<v Speaker 1>went to get a haircut at the barber. Essential service,

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<v Speaker 1>Essential service, just a little trim and he had a

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<v Speaker 1>runny nose. Now when he went into the barber and

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<v Speaker 1>sat down, the barber put his cape around his neck,

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<v Speaker 1>brushed his hair back, and with a bare hand went, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>I'll get that and wiped his nose, wiped the snot

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<v Speaker 1>from his nose. No. No, And I said to jay

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<v Speaker 1>what do you mean he wiped your nose? No, He's like,

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<v Speaker 1>he just wiped my note. He just went look at that.

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<v Speaker 1>I'll get that with his bare hand. And I said, Jaye,

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<v Speaker 1>what did you do? He's like, oh, I didn't know

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<v Speaker 1>what to do.

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<v Speaker 2>I just sat there did not And I was like,

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<v Speaker 2>you're right, everything's funny with a Scottish accent, But how.

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<v Speaker 1>I think that's gobsmacking. Like if somebody came up to

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<v Speaker 1>me with their bare hand, I didn't know a stranger

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<v Speaker 1>and wiped stop from my nose, I would be offended.

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<v Speaker 2>That man is definitely a dad, and he has been

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<v Speaker 2>spending so much time at home in isolation with his

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<v Speaker 2>kids that it just it was like that muscle memory.

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<v Speaker 2>He just he just accident and then he probably was

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<v Speaker 2>doing it and halfway through He was like, what the

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<v Speaker 2>fuck am I do?

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<v Speaker 3>But you just have to commit, just committed, you just

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<v Speaker 3>have to continue. And Jay was like, it was this

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<v Speaker 3>awkward moment. Then he had to sit through the whole

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<v Speaker 3>haircut and he's like, I was really scared. I was

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<v Speaker 3>really scared that my nose was gonna run again because

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<v Speaker 3>I didn't know what was gonna happen.

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<v Speaker 2>I love the way I asked you, what's been happening

0:10:53.120 --> 0:10:53.760
<v Speaker 2>in your week?

0:10:54.240 --> 0:10:57.240
<v Speaker 1>That's the story that you share. I just picture it

0:10:57.280 --> 0:10:59.040
<v Speaker 1>and if you think of that in a Scottish accent.

0:10:59.080 --> 0:11:00.440
<v Speaker 1>It just made me weak because I didn't know there

0:11:00.440 --> 0:11:02.760
<v Speaker 1>are people out there that were that dedicated in their job.

0:11:02.880 --> 0:11:04.559
<v Speaker 1>So I take my hat up to that barber. He's

0:11:04.559 --> 0:11:06.760
<v Speaker 1>a full service kind of guy. He's a mad please.

0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:08.840
<v Speaker 1>But what about you. I guess you didn't really have

0:11:08.840 --> 0:11:12.079
<v Speaker 1>time in between hospital visits to do anything this week.

0:11:12.320 --> 0:11:13.839
<v Speaker 2>No one wants to listen to me say this, but

0:11:13.880 --> 0:11:17.400
<v Speaker 2>I have no recommendations because I've literally not done anything

0:11:17.400 --> 0:11:19.360
<v Speaker 2>except care for a sick kid. But you know what,

0:11:19.400 --> 0:11:22.360
<v Speaker 2>I do have recommendation actually, and this is for mums

0:11:22.960 --> 0:11:25.960
<v Speaker 2>who are ever in a situation where they're not sure

0:11:26.120 --> 0:11:27.880
<v Speaker 2>whether or not to take their kid to hospital the

0:11:27.920 --> 0:11:29.319
<v Speaker 2>last couple of nights, and we had to go in

0:11:29.360 --> 0:11:30.360
<v Speaker 2>a few times in Maley.

0:11:30.960 --> 0:11:32.520
<v Speaker 1>Matt and I had that.

0:11:32.440 --> 0:11:35.760
<v Speaker 2>Moment where you're there with your sick kid and and.

0:11:35.559 --> 0:11:38.320
<v Speaker 1>You're like, I don't know what to do, Like we

0:11:38.360 --> 0:11:40.480
<v Speaker 1>don't is she is she really sick? Is she not

0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:40.959
<v Speaker 1>that sick?

0:11:41.000 --> 0:11:43.200
<v Speaker 2>Like her temperature is really high? Do we take her

0:11:43.200 --> 0:11:45.440
<v Speaker 2>to hospital? Don't we take it to hospital? I think

0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:47.680
<v Speaker 2>if you, as a parent, are ever in a situation

0:11:47.720 --> 0:11:50.679
<v Speaker 2>where you're standing there with your child contemplating whether or

0:11:50.760 --> 0:11:53.240
<v Speaker 2>not to take them to hospital, just take them to hospital.

0:11:53.240 --> 0:11:54.640
<v Speaker 2>I felt a bit guilty because I was like, I

0:11:54.640 --> 0:11:56.280
<v Speaker 2>don't know if this is an emergency or not, but

0:11:56.360 --> 0:11:59.400
<v Speaker 2>I feel better being here. And the doctors were so

0:11:59.480 --> 0:12:01.720
<v Speaker 2>amazing at the Children's Hospital in Randwick.

0:12:01.840 --> 0:12:03.920
<v Speaker 1>They were like, if there is every situation where you

0:12:04.040 --> 0:12:06.240
<v Speaker 1>don't know whether or not you should take your child

0:12:06.240 --> 0:12:08.200
<v Speaker 1>to hospital, then just take them.

0:12:08.400 --> 0:12:11.600
<v Speaker 2>And that reassurance. I'm like, that's what mums need to heart.

0:12:12.320 --> 0:12:14.079
<v Speaker 2>That's not the time for like trying to problem solve.

0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:15.679
<v Speaker 2>We're trying to figure out whether it's the right or

0:12:15.720 --> 0:12:17.960
<v Speaker 2>wrong thing to do. Just don't take chances, take your kid.

0:12:18.080 --> 0:12:20.280
<v Speaker 1>I mean as a hospital worker, I have seen it

0:12:20.320 --> 0:12:22.800
<v Speaker 1>happen so many times and I can't agree more. If

0:12:22.800 --> 0:12:25.319
<v Speaker 1>you were debating anything about whether you're unwell enough or

0:12:25.400 --> 0:12:27.000
<v Speaker 1>if you should go and see a doctor, absolutely go

0:12:27.000 --> 0:12:29.280
<v Speaker 1>and see the doctor. That's what they're there for. They're

0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:30.960
<v Speaker 1>there to care for you, and if you don't need

0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:33.200
<v Speaker 1>to be there, they will let you know. But just

0:12:33.280 --> 0:12:36.400
<v Speaker 1>imagine if you questioned it and stayed home and something

0:12:36.440 --> 0:12:39.080
<v Speaker 1>happened God forbid, you'd never forgive yourself. But that's what

0:12:39.200 --> 0:12:42.480
<v Speaker 1>ever forgive yourself, that's what hospital workers are there for.

0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:45.280
<v Speaker 2>There's my recommendation. Don't take your kid's hospit unless you

0:12:45.280 --> 0:12:46.760
<v Speaker 2>need to. But if you're not sure, take them.

0:12:46.880 --> 0:12:49.480
<v Speaker 1>There you go. I'm sure there's some better things you

0:12:49.480 --> 0:12:56.000
<v Speaker 1>can watch on Netflix. All right, Yeah, I'm going to

0:12:56.120 --> 0:13:00.320
<v Speaker 1>jump into an accidentally unfiltered that somebody wrote it. I

0:13:00.360 --> 0:13:00.840
<v Speaker 1>love it.

0:13:00.600 --> 0:13:03.679
<v Speaker 2>It's short and sharp and spicy. Guys, I love this

0:13:03.720 --> 0:13:05.520
<v Speaker 2>section of the podcast. So for those of you who

0:13:05.559 --> 0:13:08.480
<v Speaker 2>are knew, this is where you guys share your most

0:13:08.520 --> 0:13:11.640
<v Speaker 2>embarrassing stories with us and we share them with the

0:13:11.679 --> 0:13:12.120
<v Speaker 2>rest of you.

0:13:12.600 --> 0:13:14.680
<v Speaker 1>But you know what, most of you probably already know that,

0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:16.840
<v Speaker 1>so hit it off, britt, but also, if you are new,

0:13:17.000 --> 0:13:20.360
<v Speaker 1>where you been, where you been? Okay, pull yourself a

0:13:20.360 --> 0:13:23.400
<v Speaker 1>glass of wine. Get on board. So this girl went

0:13:23.400 --> 0:13:25.640
<v Speaker 1>out had a one night stand. Basically, she meets this guy,

0:13:25.760 --> 0:13:28.280
<v Speaker 1>super smoking hot. She's like, stuff it, I'm just gonna

0:13:28.480 --> 0:13:29.920
<v Speaker 1>I'm just gonna go. I need it. I'm gonna go

0:13:29.960 --> 0:13:32.679
<v Speaker 1>all out. Take him home. She takes him home. They

0:13:32.679 --> 0:13:36.640
<v Speaker 1>have a great night, like amazing sex all night. In

0:13:36.679 --> 0:13:40.240
<v Speaker 1>the morning it's time for him to go. He says, well,

0:13:40.679 --> 0:13:42.680
<v Speaker 1>you know, can I grab your number? Because they hadn't

0:13:42.720 --> 0:13:46.160
<v Speaker 1>even swapped numbers yet, can I grab your number? She's like, absolutely,

0:13:46.200 --> 0:13:48.880
<v Speaker 1>but cute bit nervy, puts a number in his phone

0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:55.000
<v Speaker 1>and off he goes. Later that day, she gets a

0:13:55.120 --> 0:13:58.199
<v Speaker 1>call from her dad. Honey, why am I getting messages

0:13:58.200 --> 0:14:02.079
<v Speaker 1>from some guy about how great the sex was last night? What? So?

0:14:03.000 --> 0:14:05.400
<v Speaker 1>Out of habit, she just typed in her dad's phone.

0:14:07.360 --> 0:14:10.640
<v Speaker 1>How do you do that out, dude? I know my parents'

0:14:10.640 --> 0:14:13.320
<v Speaker 1>phone number off off by heart. I can type it anywhere,

0:14:13.360 --> 0:14:17.839
<v Speaker 1>so I don't know. He's like, babe, watch your number.

0:14:17.960 --> 0:14:20.280
<v Speaker 1>She types it in coach. She's a bit nervy. She

0:14:20.320 --> 0:14:22.400
<v Speaker 1>obviously calls her dad a lot and types it in,

0:14:22.680 --> 0:14:25.240
<v Speaker 1>types it in. He went home and started texting about

0:14:25.280 --> 0:14:27.280
<v Speaker 1>how great the sex worls. God only knows what else

0:14:27.280 --> 0:14:31.080
<v Speaker 1>he said, and the dad's getting it, which is something

0:14:31.160 --> 0:14:33.560
<v Speaker 1>my dad would do. My dad'd be like, you got

0:14:33.560 --> 0:14:38.440
<v Speaker 1>some Oh wow, I wow. I know that's a lot.

0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:39.880
<v Speaker 1>I imagine.

0:14:39.920 --> 0:14:41.480
<v Speaker 2>I don't know how I would feel if that happened

0:14:41.520 --> 0:14:43.000
<v Speaker 2>to me and I was a dad and that was

0:14:43.000 --> 0:14:43.480
<v Speaker 2>my daughter.

0:14:43.760 --> 0:14:46.520
<v Speaker 1>My family, there's six of us and we are two girls,

0:14:46.520 --> 0:14:48.760
<v Speaker 1>two boys, mom and dad. The six of us are

0:14:48.800 --> 0:14:52.800
<v Speaker 1>so tight. There's literally nothing that you can't say or

0:14:52.800 --> 0:14:54.960
<v Speaker 1>tell each other that you should see our dinner table conversation.

0:14:55.000 --> 0:14:55.840
<v Speaker 1>It's ludicrous.

0:14:55.880 --> 0:14:57.640
<v Speaker 2>I'm just imagining some guy that you had sex with

0:14:57.640 --> 0:14:59.880
<v Speaker 2>the night before, messaging your dad being like you were

0:15:00.160 --> 0:15:02.640
<v Speaker 2>so tight, that was the best sex I've ever had,

0:15:02.840 --> 0:15:05.240
<v Speaker 2>and your dad being like, oh thanks for that, Philip,

0:15:05.360 --> 0:15:06.000
<v Speaker 2>have a great night.

0:15:07.680 --> 0:15:10.560
<v Speaker 1>Actually, my dad will come out some morning. He'll be like,

0:15:11.120 --> 0:15:13.080
<v Speaker 1>I picture him. This is how I picture. He doesn't

0:15:13.080 --> 0:15:14.480
<v Speaker 1>have a walking stick, but I would picture him like

0:15:14.560 --> 0:15:17.520
<v Speaker 1>walking out, no bad, picture him walking out, whistling, like

0:15:17.560 --> 0:15:19.480
<v Speaker 1>putting his cane around in a circle. You know that

0:15:19.560 --> 0:15:21.920
<v Speaker 1>sort of a thing. He'd just come out really happy

0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:23.520
<v Speaker 1>and I'd be like, Dad, you got lucky last night,

0:15:23.560 --> 0:15:25.640
<v Speaker 1>did yet? And he'd just be like, you know it, Oh,

0:15:25.760 --> 0:15:28.000
<v Speaker 1>it's too much. It doesn't know. It doesn't bother me

0:15:28.120 --> 0:15:30.320
<v Speaker 1>if I'm happy to know my parents are happy.

0:15:31.200 --> 0:15:35.360
<v Speaker 2>I once walked in on my mom having sex and oh, yeah,

0:15:35.360 --> 0:15:36.000
<v Speaker 2>that's just me.

0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:38.560
<v Speaker 1>I didn't want to know that she was happy. It

0:15:38.600 --> 0:15:46.080
<v Speaker 1>was I'm scarred. I still hate that memory. Okay, when

0:15:46.120 --> 0:15:49.600
<v Speaker 1>I say, my grandmum, if you listen to this, sometimes, yeah,

0:15:49.640 --> 0:15:52.360
<v Speaker 1>it's awful. When I say my family's open, we are

0:15:52.360 --> 0:15:54.200
<v Speaker 1>not that open. That's something I have never seen and

0:15:54.240 --> 0:15:55.240
<v Speaker 1>I will never unseen.

0:15:55.320 --> 0:15:57.640
<v Speaker 2>Look, all great relationships have boundaries, and I think that's

0:15:57.680 --> 0:16:01.200
<v Speaker 2>really important. I also have an act unfiltered for us

0:16:01.320 --> 0:16:03.520
<v Speaker 2>Hit Me. It is much more g rated, but I

0:16:03.960 --> 0:16:06.280
<v Speaker 2>really enjoyed this one because after a week of some

0:16:06.280 --> 0:16:09.120
<v Speaker 2>pretty intensive parenting, this one gave me a good chuckle.

0:16:09.160 --> 0:16:09.840
<v Speaker 1>It's kind of long.

0:16:10.240 --> 0:16:12.600
<v Speaker 2>My daughter is dramatic. She is the sort of person

0:16:12.600 --> 0:16:14.080
<v Speaker 2>who would step on a piece of dirt on the

0:16:14.120 --> 0:16:17.320
<v Speaker 2>floor and fall down, screaming me hurt foot. Or she'd

0:16:17.400 --> 0:16:19.160
<v Speaker 2>hit her head on a pillow and make a huge

0:16:19.200 --> 0:16:19.880
<v Speaker 2>deal out of it.

0:16:20.360 --> 0:16:20.920
<v Speaker 1>She is too.

0:16:21.760 --> 0:16:24.440
<v Speaker 2>I am her mum, so she believes everything that I say.

0:16:24.640 --> 0:16:26.720
<v Speaker 2>I use this to my advantage and I told her

0:16:26.760 --> 0:16:29.960
<v Speaker 2>that kisses fix everything. Stub your toe, get a kiss.

0:16:30.200 --> 0:16:32.560
<v Speaker 2>Smack yourself in the face with a room, get a kiss.

0:16:32.760 --> 0:16:34.920
<v Speaker 2>Cut your finger with a fake knife, you also get

0:16:34.920 --> 0:16:37.400
<v Speaker 2>a kiss. It was going great. She caught on quick

0:16:37.440 --> 0:16:40.600
<v Speaker 2>and instead of screaming, always asked for a kiss because

0:16:40.760 --> 0:16:43.560
<v Speaker 2>I hurt. How could this possibly go wrong? Well, I

0:16:43.640 --> 0:16:46.120
<v Speaker 2>did not foresee the world falling apart and me needing

0:16:46.120 --> 0:16:48.040
<v Speaker 2>to work from home with my six month old and

0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:50.400
<v Speaker 2>my two year old for the last five weeks. My

0:16:50.480 --> 0:16:52.360
<v Speaker 2>daughter was eating her breakfast while I was on a

0:16:52.440 --> 0:16:55.360
<v Speaker 2>video call. She bit her tongue and she started crying.

0:16:55.920 --> 0:16:58.680
<v Speaker 2>She then then she stopped, and I saw the look

0:16:58.680 --> 0:17:00.840
<v Speaker 2>on her face. So here I sit on a very

0:17:01.080 --> 0:17:04.080
<v Speaker 2>very important video conference call with my work and my

0:17:04.080 --> 0:17:06.480
<v Speaker 2>two year old comes running in screaming.

0:17:06.280 --> 0:17:07.719
<v Speaker 1>Mummy, kiss tongue.

0:17:08.000 --> 0:17:10.080
<v Speaker 2>I am trying to shift my six month old so

0:17:10.119 --> 0:17:12.119
<v Speaker 2>I can turn the audio and video off, and I

0:17:12.200 --> 0:17:14.679
<v Speaker 2>managed to mute it after she screams, of course, but

0:17:14.720 --> 0:17:17.040
<v Speaker 2>didn't get the video shut off in time before my

0:17:17.080 --> 0:17:19.399
<v Speaker 2>two year old daughter sticks her tongue out and shoves

0:17:19.440 --> 0:17:21.359
<v Speaker 2>it in at me for a kiss as I'm opening

0:17:21.359 --> 0:17:23.239
<v Speaker 2>my mouth to tell her no, And that's how her

0:17:23.280 --> 0:17:25.879
<v Speaker 2>tongue went straight down my mouth falls on a cowork

0:17:26.480 --> 0:17:27.720
<v Speaker 2>zoom call.

0:17:29.119 --> 0:17:32.760
<v Speaker 1>I think that's so cute, hue. Not really what you

0:17:32.760 --> 0:17:34.280
<v Speaker 1>want to do, make out with your two year old

0:17:34.280 --> 0:17:36.520
<v Speaker 1>and a zoom call. I mean, I wouldn't want to

0:17:36.520 --> 0:17:39.720
<v Speaker 1>make out with her, not on the same call. True. True,

0:17:40.040 --> 0:17:41.239
<v Speaker 1>that one took me a while to get there. I'm

0:17:41.240 --> 0:17:43.359
<v Speaker 1>gonna I'm gonna ed up. That was a long one.

0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:44.720
<v Speaker 1>It was a long one. It was a lot bit

0:17:44.720 --> 0:17:48.840
<v Speaker 1>as cute. That was cute. I think we can tell

0:17:48.880 --> 0:17:51.240
<v Speaker 1>the difference between Laura and I. Laura is the mind

0:17:51.359 --> 0:17:54.080
<v Speaker 1>and I am out there and everybody.

0:17:53.560 --> 0:17:55.840
<v Speaker 2>Who's not a mom just listened to me waffle that

0:17:55.880 --> 0:17:59.640
<v Speaker 2>one on and was like, shut up, that's disgusting. Keep

0:17:59.680 --> 0:18:02.560
<v Speaker 2>your naughty, two year old, bleeding tongue child away from me.

0:18:02.600 --> 0:18:05.200
<v Speaker 2>And I'm like, you guess that's how sickness is spread.

0:18:05.400 --> 0:18:09.639
<v Speaker 2>Give her tongue a kiss.

0:18:06.920 --> 0:18:11.000
<v Speaker 1>But I think that's I think that is like a

0:18:11.040 --> 0:18:13.280
<v Speaker 1>four plaything. In Japan, they like stuck each other's tongues

0:18:13.320 --> 0:18:16.159
<v Speaker 1>and lick each other's eyeballs. That's just cold kissing. No, like,

0:18:16.320 --> 0:18:19.600
<v Speaker 1>have you heard the eyeball looking No? Yeah, Big Big

0:18:19.640 --> 0:18:22.840
<v Speaker 1>Four play in Japan. That is so weird.

0:18:23.119 --> 0:18:25.600
<v Speaker 2>So my dad, I'm not going to sort of fetish shame,

0:18:25.680 --> 0:18:27.800
<v Speaker 2>but that is that is up there with the weird stuff.

0:18:27.800 --> 0:18:30.159
<v Speaker 1>But this is actually really funny. We went around Australia,

0:18:30.240 --> 0:18:31.840
<v Speaker 1>like my parents took us around Australia in a full

0:18:31.920 --> 0:18:33.960
<v Speaker 1>drive when we were all little kids. And I'm talking.

0:18:34.000 --> 0:18:36.200
<v Speaker 1>We just camped our way through the deserts and had

0:18:36.240 --> 0:18:42.280
<v Speaker 1>fires for dinner and ate fire for dinner. There's tough

0:18:42.320 --> 0:18:44.720
<v Speaker 1>times in the desert. We sat around a fire I

0:18:44.760 --> 0:18:46.560
<v Speaker 1>can't find. We would make damper and it was such

0:18:46.560 --> 0:18:50.960
<v Speaker 1>an amazing Australian experience. But it can get pretty windy

0:18:51.040 --> 0:18:53.800
<v Speaker 1>out there in the desert and we were constantly getting

0:18:54.280 --> 0:18:59.480
<v Speaker 1>sand in our eye. The best way when it's drought

0:18:59.520 --> 0:19:01.480
<v Speaker 1>there's not a lot of water and you're a small

0:19:01.560 --> 0:19:04.359
<v Speaker 1>child with sanding. You're right, Dad would lick the sand

0:19:04.480 --> 0:19:07.000
<v Speaker 1>out of our eye because you put the tongue in

0:19:07.480 --> 0:19:10.560
<v Speaker 1>the eye. If you're still with me, stay so weird,

0:19:11.200 --> 0:19:13.640
<v Speaker 1>but it makes sense if you're out there, because when

0:19:13.680 --> 0:19:15.680
<v Speaker 1>you think about it. It's it's a really weird thing.

0:19:15.720 --> 0:19:18.240
<v Speaker 1>But if you actually deep dive, it makes sense. He

0:19:18.280 --> 0:19:20.119
<v Speaker 1>would just like he could open our eye up and

0:19:20.119 --> 0:19:21.760
<v Speaker 1>you'd be able to see the grain of sand. He'd

0:19:21.800 --> 0:19:25.080
<v Speaker 1>just back with his tongue like a lizard and it

0:19:25.119 --> 0:19:26.960
<v Speaker 1>would get this and it would get the sand out

0:19:27.080 --> 0:19:29.520
<v Speaker 1>because we were out in the middle of nowhere with

0:19:29.560 --> 0:19:30.200
<v Speaker 1>limited water.

0:19:30.400 --> 0:19:32.520
<v Speaker 2>We just went from talking about licking people's eyes as

0:19:32.560 --> 0:19:35.439
<v Speaker 2>a fetish to you telling me about some camp childhood.

0:19:35.640 --> 0:19:38.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, but you know what, I just thought I would share.

0:19:38.440 --> 0:19:43.000
<v Speaker 1>That's nice. Part of who I am thinks that there's

0:19:43.000 --> 0:19:46.639
<v Speaker 1>been a lot of trauma here. All right, that's we

0:19:46.920 --> 0:19:50.280
<v Speaker 1>just we went so rogue. Let's jump into the content

0:19:50.520 --> 0:19:54.280
<v Speaker 1>and gas lighting, shall we. Oh, look, if we have to,

0:19:54.600 --> 0:19:57.280
<v Speaker 1>I'm here for a gain. It's been a while. Haven't

0:19:57.320 --> 0:19:59.520
<v Speaker 1>seen you in such a long time, I know. And

0:19:59.560 --> 0:20:01.240
<v Speaker 1>when we have and seen each other, we start to

0:20:01.320 --> 0:20:02.840
<v Speaker 1>just talk. I don't want to say that talk shit,

0:20:02.920 --> 0:20:05.440
<v Speaker 1>but we just we do. Don't worry it's too much.

0:20:05.520 --> 0:20:07.399
<v Speaker 1>I feel like sometimes Laura and I get together, if

0:20:07.400 --> 0:20:08.760
<v Speaker 1>we haven't seen each other for a while, we just

0:20:08.800 --> 0:20:10.320
<v Speaker 1>word vomit for like two hours.

0:20:10.440 --> 0:20:12.119
<v Speaker 2>Well, it's also like this is when we catch up

0:20:12.160 --> 0:20:14.960
<v Speaker 2>and then most girlfriends just catch up, have a glass

0:20:14.960 --> 0:20:16.800
<v Speaker 2>of wine and we do it and then we record

0:20:16.840 --> 0:20:19.119
<v Speaker 2>it for we nationally record it for the rest of

0:20:19.160 --> 0:20:21.639
<v Speaker 2>Australia to listen to. But that actually, like that was

0:20:21.680 --> 0:20:25.359
<v Speaker 2>your advice for mothers out there. This is my advice

0:20:25.400 --> 0:20:28.760
<v Speaker 2>for mothers. If your child does have something in their eye,

0:20:29.400 --> 0:20:31.960
<v Speaker 2>you can use your tongue. That's what That's why I'll say.

0:20:32.640 --> 0:20:35.600
<v Speaker 2>I'm not making a joke either, I'm being a hundi serious.

0:20:36.119 --> 0:20:40.240
<v Speaker 1>So let's get onto the topic. So guys, we are

0:20:40.400 --> 0:20:42.240
<v Speaker 1>going to be talking about gas lighting.

0:20:42.359 --> 0:20:44.840
<v Speaker 2>Okay, so before we get into the topic for today,

0:20:44.880 --> 0:20:47.040
<v Speaker 2>which kind of also led us into the topic. One

0:20:47.080 --> 0:20:50.080
<v Speaker 2>brit had brought up gas lighting because of watching Too

0:20:50.080 --> 0:20:51.600
<v Speaker 2>Hot to Handle on how it seemed to be this

0:20:51.640 --> 0:20:53.960
<v Speaker 2>current theme that run through the series a little bit.

0:20:54.320 --> 0:20:57.360
<v Speaker 2>But this is what happened to me this week. And

0:20:57.560 --> 0:20:59.680
<v Speaker 2>you know what, some of you won't care, but I care,

0:21:00.119 --> 0:21:01.400
<v Speaker 2>I really care, So.

0:21:01.320 --> 0:21:03.080
<v Speaker 1>I'm going to share it with you. Writt and I

0:21:03.119 --> 0:21:04.320
<v Speaker 1>went for a walk.

0:21:04.520 --> 0:21:06.919
<v Speaker 2>Whilst we were trying to think about what we were

0:21:06.920 --> 0:21:08.879
<v Speaker 2>going to do for this episode, and we were, you know,

0:21:08.960 --> 0:21:11.800
<v Speaker 2>thrown around ideas and we were going for a walkdown

0:21:11.880 --> 0:21:15.480
<v Speaker 2>Bondi and as we were walking along the promenade, I

0:21:15.560 --> 0:21:18.359
<v Speaker 2>look up and for anybody who has been listening to

0:21:18.400 --> 0:21:20.959
<v Speaker 2>this podcast a while, you would know that I often

0:21:21.040 --> 0:21:25.119
<v Speaker 2>talk about an ex who was the most toxic X

0:21:25.119 --> 0:21:28.080
<v Speaker 2>that I've ever dated, like the one who gas lit me,

0:21:28.160 --> 0:21:31.040
<v Speaker 2>the one who is it gas lit we start gaslighting,

0:21:31.200 --> 0:21:33.080
<v Speaker 2>the one who ghastled me, the one who cheated on me,

0:21:33.280 --> 0:21:37.560
<v Speaker 2>the one who made me feel so insanely crazy when

0:21:37.560 --> 0:21:40.800
<v Speaker 2>I was in that relationship, so insane And I look

0:21:40.880 --> 0:21:44.280
<v Speaker 2>up and he's standing two meters away from my face,

0:21:44.640 --> 0:21:48.280
<v Speaker 2>staring straight at me. It was a really, really awful

0:21:48.320 --> 0:21:50.840
<v Speaker 2>situation where I was like, how is it possible that

0:21:50.880 --> 0:21:53.119
<v Speaker 2>we have been in lockdown for five weeks? I've not

0:21:53.160 --> 0:21:56.119
<v Speaker 2>even seen my dearest, closest friends and family, and I

0:21:56.200 --> 0:21:57.960
<v Speaker 2>managed to run into the one person in the world

0:21:57.960 --> 0:21:59.879
<v Speaker 2>who I'd rather punch myself in the face seven thousand

0:21:59.880 --> 0:22:02.719
<v Speaker 2>times before seeing. And then, to make it worse, I

0:22:02.760 --> 0:22:05.040
<v Speaker 2>was like, Oh my god, Brit, that's that guy. That's

0:22:05.080 --> 0:22:07.480
<v Speaker 2>that guy I always talk about on the podcast. And

0:22:07.560 --> 0:22:10.240
<v Speaker 2>Brit goes, oh, that guy right there and then starts

0:22:10.280 --> 0:22:16.760
<v Speaker 2>doing parkour like instead of being the good friend who

0:22:16.840 --> 0:22:20.960
<v Speaker 2>is subtle and like slyly looks to the side and says, oh,

0:22:21.000 --> 0:22:23.199
<v Speaker 2>that guy, Okay, let's keep walking, let's walk in this direction,

0:22:23.240 --> 0:22:25.480
<v Speaker 2>and really supports me through the trauma that I'm experiencing.

0:22:25.800 --> 0:22:28.880
<v Speaker 1>She starts pretending to do park hall and like, which

0:22:28.920 --> 0:22:30.560
<v Speaker 1>is cool. I don't know what it's called.

0:22:30.920 --> 0:22:33.520
<v Speaker 2>She starts pretending to like jump off things and do

0:22:33.600 --> 0:22:36.840
<v Speaker 2>some assaults and shit down the promenade to get his

0:22:36.960 --> 0:22:41.960
<v Speaker 2>attention because my co host is a Childhi god, I was.

0:22:42.400 --> 0:22:44.960
<v Speaker 1>I was already mid parkour. I was just pretending to

0:22:45.000 --> 0:22:46.879
<v Speaker 1>do parkour. I was been silly Parker's where you like

0:22:46.960 --> 0:22:49.439
<v Speaker 1>jump and do flips off objects. I'd had a lot

0:22:49.440 --> 0:22:52.680
<v Speaker 1>of energy anyway, I was doing his parkour and then you.

0:22:52.760 --> 0:22:55.280
<v Speaker 1>I looked at you and I was like, you've seen

0:22:55.320 --> 0:22:58.040
<v Speaker 1>a ghost? What I've just missed something in the last

0:22:58.040 --> 0:22:58.640
<v Speaker 1>twenty second.

0:22:58.720 --> 0:23:00.880
<v Speaker 2>I was like, I want to unsubscribe from life right now.

0:23:00.960 --> 0:23:02.240
<v Speaker 2>Someone please eject me.

0:23:02.400 --> 0:23:04.160
<v Speaker 1>And she's like, that's the guy. That's the guy. That's

0:23:04.160 --> 0:23:07.000
<v Speaker 1>the guy, and I you know, you try to be subtle,

0:23:07.000 --> 0:23:08.520
<v Speaker 1>but I was like, well wait, because I didn't want

0:23:08.520 --> 0:23:10.440
<v Speaker 1>miss him. Not only did she not try and be subtle.

0:23:10.520 --> 0:23:12.800
<v Speaker 1>She did a full three sixty degree.

0:23:12.520 --> 0:23:15.800
<v Speaker 2>Turn to see him, like to look at him, and

0:23:15.920 --> 0:23:18.640
<v Speaker 2>I am I am not over this.

0:23:19.119 --> 0:23:20.840
<v Speaker 1>It didn't make sense to me. I saw him and

0:23:20.880 --> 0:23:22.520
<v Speaker 1>I was like that one and You're like yes, and

0:23:22.520 --> 0:23:25.359
<v Speaker 1>I was like, really, it was the last person I

0:23:25.400 --> 0:23:26.679
<v Speaker 1>picked it for. You. I will say that.

0:23:26.960 --> 0:23:31.359
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, So you did me good. You good guys. So

0:23:31.920 --> 0:23:35.159
<v Speaker 2>basically where this long story is going. Britta and I

0:23:35.200 --> 0:23:37.520
<v Speaker 2>have in the past talked a lot about relationships that

0:23:37.560 --> 0:23:41.320
<v Speaker 2>we've been in where we have experienced gas lighting or

0:23:42.080 --> 0:23:44.720
<v Speaker 2>you know, emotional manipulation, cheating, and I think that these

0:23:44.800 --> 0:23:47.119
<v Speaker 2>things can all kind of tie into each other. So

0:23:47.200 --> 0:23:49.520
<v Speaker 2>that was why we wanted to talk. We were like, ah, here,

0:23:49.560 --> 0:23:52.560
<v Speaker 2>it is the topic for today's episode, given to us

0:23:52.560 --> 0:23:54.960
<v Speaker 2>on a silver platter in the form of my ex boyfriend.

0:23:55.160 --> 0:23:57.080
<v Speaker 2>That is one of the reasons why we're talking about

0:23:57.119 --> 0:24:00.239
<v Speaker 2>gas lighting today, but also because it is some thing

0:24:00.280 --> 0:24:03.440
<v Speaker 2>that happens in a lot of relationships, some relationships that

0:24:03.480 --> 0:24:06.520
<v Speaker 2>are healthy and some relationships that you know clearly you

0:24:06.560 --> 0:24:08.280
<v Speaker 2>need to get the hell out of. But it is

0:24:08.520 --> 0:24:10.800
<v Speaker 2>a very very common behavior that we have a name for,

0:24:11.080 --> 0:24:13.639
<v Speaker 2>and that is what we're talking about. In case you

0:24:13.680 --> 0:24:16.040
<v Speaker 2>don't know what gas lighting is, it is just like

0:24:16.080 --> 0:24:19.320
<v Speaker 2>a tactic or a behavior in where a person or

0:24:19.480 --> 0:24:23.280
<v Speaker 2>it could even be your partner, your boss, but basically,

0:24:23.320 --> 0:24:25.760
<v Speaker 2>in order to gain more power, they make their victim

0:24:26.000 --> 0:24:28.800
<v Speaker 2>i EU question your reality, so they make you feel

0:24:28.800 --> 0:24:34.480
<v Speaker 2>like you're crazy. You question yourself and your motives, you

0:24:34.600 --> 0:24:37.919
<v Speaker 2>question the situation, you question the event that happened, the

0:24:37.920 --> 0:24:42.320
<v Speaker 2>way it unfolded. It's a manipulation and it eventually will

0:24:42.320 --> 0:24:45.399
<v Speaker 2>weigh you down. So it's definitely a tactic that people

0:24:45.560 --> 0:24:49.800
<v Speaker 2>use both consciously and subconsciously to gain control. And it's

0:24:49.840 --> 0:24:52.280
<v Speaker 2>like it's a form of emotional abuse. It really is,

0:24:52.359 --> 0:24:55.560
<v Speaker 2>and it can be something that is very very malicious

0:24:55.640 --> 0:24:58.080
<v Speaker 2>and very intent driven. For example, I think a good

0:24:58.119 --> 0:25:00.920
<v Speaker 2>example of this is like maybe been in a relationship

0:25:00.920 --> 0:25:03.680
<v Speaker 2>with someone where you know black and white that they

0:25:03.680 --> 0:25:06.360
<v Speaker 2>have cheated on you, You have evidence, and you confront

0:25:06.400 --> 0:25:09.800
<v Speaker 2>them and they deny it, deny, deny, deny. That is

0:25:09.880 --> 0:25:13.480
<v Speaker 2>gas lighting. And that's a very very intent driven example

0:25:13.520 --> 0:25:16.800
<v Speaker 2>of gas lighting. Another one which is probably not so malicious,

0:25:16.800 --> 0:25:18.960
<v Speaker 2>which you know it's not because the person is necessarily

0:25:18.960 --> 0:25:21.840
<v Speaker 2>a bad person, but maybe it's because their communication skills

0:25:21.840 --> 0:25:25.080
<v Speaker 2>aren't very good. Could be for example, just say you

0:25:25.400 --> 0:25:27.359
<v Speaker 2>are in a relationship you feel like your partner is

0:25:27.359 --> 0:25:30.080
<v Speaker 2>not pulling the weight of the housework. And you say

0:25:30.080 --> 0:25:32.240
<v Speaker 2>to them like, I'm feeling really upset. I don't feel

0:25:32.240 --> 0:25:33.560
<v Speaker 2>like you pull the weight of the housework.

0:25:33.640 --> 0:25:33.720
<v Speaker 1>This.

0:25:33.960 --> 0:25:35.480
<v Speaker 2>You know, you've done this, this, and this which have

0:25:35.560 --> 0:25:38.760
<v Speaker 2>upset me. And they say, well, you're wrong, because I do.

0:25:39.240 --> 0:25:41.680
<v Speaker 2>And the conversation just ends there. And so instead of

0:25:41.760 --> 0:25:45.320
<v Speaker 2>them validating how you feel or validating the situation, they

0:25:45.520 --> 0:25:48.240
<v Speaker 2>are shutting down what your reality is. And they're telling

0:25:48.280 --> 0:25:50.520
<v Speaker 2>you and denying you what is facts to you and

0:25:50.760 --> 0:25:53.560
<v Speaker 2>the way you feel, and that lack of validation and

0:25:53.600 --> 0:25:57.840
<v Speaker 2>that lack of acknowledging your reality is basically that's it.

0:25:57.880 --> 0:25:59.600
<v Speaker 2>Like that's the definition of what gas lighting is.

0:26:00.000 --> 0:26:03.040
<v Speaker 1>The reason I feel that this was really important to

0:26:03.040 --> 0:26:06.240
<v Speaker 1>talk about is that I did go through it myself

0:26:06.720 --> 0:26:09.760
<v Speaker 1>in my toxic relationship that I've spoken about here before

0:26:09.800 --> 0:26:10.680
<v Speaker 1>on episode three.

0:26:10.880 --> 0:26:13.000
<v Speaker 2>This is like, we recommend this episode all the time.

0:26:13.040 --> 0:26:14.679
<v Speaker 2>I'm just gonna jump in a brit because it's a

0:26:14.920 --> 0:26:17.560
<v Speaker 2>freaking doozy. But it was in a really, really toxic

0:26:17.600 --> 0:26:20.800
<v Speaker 2>relationship where she legitimately dated a psychopath, and we don't

0:26:20.840 --> 0:26:23.840
<v Speaker 2>throw those terms around, like we really really think that

0:26:23.880 --> 0:26:25.520
<v Speaker 2>you can't just call someone a psycho just for the

0:26:25.560 --> 0:26:28.240
<v Speaker 2>sake of it. But his behavior, which if you listen

0:26:28.280 --> 0:26:31.159
<v Speaker 2>to episode three, would very much indicate that that's the

0:26:31.200 --> 0:26:33.720
<v Speaker 2>personality type that he is. So yeah, So if you

0:26:33.720 --> 0:26:35.320
<v Speaker 2>haven't listened to episode, go back and listen to it.

0:26:35.359 --> 0:26:37.120
<v Speaker 1>So I was in this relationship for a few years

0:26:37.160 --> 0:26:39.680
<v Speaker 1>with this guy that was living a double life, and

0:26:40.320 --> 0:26:42.960
<v Speaker 1>it was only now I didn't know what that abuse was.

0:26:42.960 --> 0:26:45.320
<v Speaker 1>At the time, I didn't recognize it because nobody spoke

0:26:45.359 --> 0:26:48.760
<v Speaker 1>about it. When I finally fast forward a few years

0:26:48.880 --> 0:26:51.520
<v Speaker 1>and it's only recently that I've heard about gas lighting.

0:26:51.560 --> 0:26:53.720
<v Speaker 1>And we'll talk about it about its origin soon. But

0:26:54.200 --> 0:26:56.240
<v Speaker 1>it's only once people started to talk about it more.

0:26:56.800 --> 0:27:00.000
<v Speaker 1>I put the name to my situation and I thought, oh,

0:27:00.080 --> 0:27:02.160
<v Speaker 1>oh my god, this is what he did. Every time

0:27:02.280 --> 0:27:03.840
<v Speaker 1>I read something about it or I heard about it,

0:27:03.880 --> 0:27:05.359
<v Speaker 1>I was like, that's me, that's me, this is what

0:27:05.400 --> 0:27:08.240
<v Speaker 1>he did to me, And it's so important to talk about.

0:27:08.280 --> 0:27:11.560
<v Speaker 1>Because it wasn't spoken about a I couldn't recognize it,

0:27:11.960 --> 0:27:14.760
<v Speaker 1>I couldn't highlight it, meaning I couldn't do anything about

0:27:14.760 --> 0:27:18.320
<v Speaker 1>it because I didn't know it was happening and I

0:27:18.520 --> 0:27:21.720
<v Speaker 1>was stuck in this relationship. So to give you an example, Laura,

0:27:21.760 --> 0:27:23.800
<v Speaker 1>I don't even know if I've spoken to you about this,

0:27:23.920 --> 0:27:26.879
<v Speaker 1>but I just think it's so important. There was there

0:27:26.880 --> 0:27:29.440
<v Speaker 1>were situations that he would do to me, like, for example,

0:27:29.520 --> 0:27:32.280
<v Speaker 1>it would be about anything. He would just cancel something

0:27:32.320 --> 0:27:34.560
<v Speaker 1>because his other partner had turned up, but he would

0:27:34.560 --> 0:27:36.960
<v Speaker 1>make me say. He would say things like you didn't

0:27:36.960 --> 0:27:39.360
<v Speaker 1>book the accommodation, We've had to cancel it, things like that,

0:27:39.480 --> 0:27:42.600
<v Speaker 1>like he'd blame me. But there was one time that

0:27:42.760 --> 0:27:45.560
<v Speaker 1>has it's really really stuck with me all these years.

0:27:46.320 --> 0:27:50.359
<v Speaker 1>And basically I stumbled across his phone one day. He

0:27:50.440 --> 0:27:52.560
<v Speaker 1>was showing me something in his phone. He was very

0:27:52.560 --> 0:27:56.399
<v Speaker 1>protective of it, and I was swiping through what he

0:27:56.440 --> 0:27:58.119
<v Speaker 1>was showing me and I saw a photo of me

0:27:58.640 --> 0:28:01.560
<v Speaker 1>naked and a video and I had never seen this before.

0:28:01.680 --> 0:28:03.840
<v Speaker 1>I didn't know what it was. And I sort of

0:28:03.960 --> 0:28:06.159
<v Speaker 1>was like, well, what is that? And he snatched the

0:28:06.160 --> 0:28:08.199
<v Speaker 1>phone away and he was like what what? Nothing like

0:28:08.800 --> 0:28:10.560
<v Speaker 1>and I was like, no, I know what I saw.

0:28:11.200 --> 0:28:12.760
<v Speaker 1>And this was a few years deep, so I was

0:28:12.800 --> 0:28:16.240
<v Speaker 1>a bit more I was very submissive, and I'm embarrassed

0:28:16.320 --> 0:28:18.600
<v Speaker 1>to say that now because of the person I am now,

0:28:20.000 --> 0:28:21.679
<v Speaker 1>but I said, no, I know what, I just saw.

0:28:22.400 --> 0:28:25.960
<v Speaker 1>What the hell was that basically he had filmed us

0:28:26.440 --> 0:28:28.640
<v Speaker 1>and taken a photo in the bedroom. I had never

0:28:28.640 --> 0:28:31.360
<v Speaker 1>seen it, knew nothing about it, and he then proceeded

0:28:31.400 --> 0:28:35.600
<v Speaker 1>to convince me that I was all for it. I

0:28:35.680 --> 0:28:37.320
<v Speaker 1>knew about it. He was like, baby, you remember we

0:28:37.320 --> 0:28:38.880
<v Speaker 1>spoke about that, We said we're going to do it.

0:28:38.880 --> 0:28:41.479
<v Speaker 1>You'd had a few drinks, and by the end of

0:28:41.480 --> 0:28:44.720
<v Speaker 1>that conversation I was like, oh, yeah, Like, I guess

0:28:44.720 --> 0:28:47.560
<v Speaker 1>I probably did and I just forgot about it when

0:28:47.560 --> 0:28:51.280
<v Speaker 1>there is no way that I did. And he was

0:28:51.400 --> 0:28:55.000
<v Speaker 1>just so good at the manipulation, and I walked away

0:28:55.040 --> 0:28:56.920
<v Speaker 1>from that being like, oh yeah, I totally did that.

0:28:56.960 --> 0:28:59.040
<v Speaker 1>Like we definitely had that conversation, which we did not.

0:28:59.240 --> 0:29:03.080
<v Speaker 1>And that is just a prime, prime example of gas lighting.

0:29:03.400 --> 0:29:06.240
<v Speaker 2>That is one of the worst versions. There are so

0:29:06.400 --> 0:29:08.760
<v Speaker 2>many variants of this, and that's something that we're going

0:29:08.800 --> 0:29:10.720
<v Speaker 2>to talk about, and like with everything that we do

0:29:10.800 --> 0:29:13.600
<v Speaker 2>discuss on this podcast, that there is a spectrum which

0:29:13.640 --> 0:29:17.280
<v Speaker 2>we recognize that sort of behavior is at the very

0:29:17.520 --> 0:29:20.040
<v Speaker 2>end of what is completely unacceptable. That guy is an

0:29:20.080 --> 0:29:22.160
<v Speaker 2>absolute fluck boy, and you need to get them out

0:29:22.160 --> 0:29:22.680
<v Speaker 2>of your life.

0:29:22.840 --> 0:29:23.760
<v Speaker 1>End of the spectrum.

0:29:24.000 --> 0:29:26.280
<v Speaker 2>And then there's also the end of the spectrum where

0:29:26.400 --> 0:29:29.280
<v Speaker 2>like we said, something that might happen in your relationship

0:29:29.280 --> 0:29:31.880
<v Speaker 2>and you need to sort of better your communication skills

0:29:31.960 --> 0:29:34.360
<v Speaker 2>and outline to your partner that they're doing it. But

0:29:34.440 --> 0:29:36.880
<v Speaker 2>the first thing, exactly as you just said, Britt, is

0:29:36.960 --> 0:29:40.120
<v Speaker 2>recognizing one what it is, to what that behavior is,

0:29:40.160 --> 0:29:44.880
<v Speaker 2>and really understanding that your reality doesn't need to be

0:29:44.960 --> 0:29:48.560
<v Speaker 2>validated by anybody else. So if you feel something, you

0:29:48.640 --> 0:29:50.720
<v Speaker 2>know that it's happened, you know that you feel a

0:29:50.720 --> 0:29:53.520
<v Speaker 2>certain way about it, don't allow somebody to try and

0:29:53.560 --> 0:29:56.680
<v Speaker 2>convince you, to get you angry, to get you flustered,

0:29:57.480 --> 0:29:59.640
<v Speaker 2>to try and convince you that that there's anything else

0:29:59.680 --> 0:30:01.640
<v Speaker 2>in that. You know, like someone should validate the way

0:30:01.680 --> 0:30:03.600
<v Speaker 2>that you feel, especially if they love you and respect you.

0:30:03.920 --> 0:30:06.040
<v Speaker 2>And I think that that's like my biggest point I

0:30:06.080 --> 0:30:07.800
<v Speaker 2>want to drive home before we even really get into

0:30:07.840 --> 0:30:09.760
<v Speaker 2>the topic, is like you don't need somebody else to

0:30:09.840 --> 0:30:12.800
<v Speaker 2>validate your reality. If that's how you feel, then it

0:30:12.880 --> 0:30:15.440
<v Speaker 2>is real to you and it deserves validation and if

0:30:15.440 --> 0:30:17.680
<v Speaker 2>your partner loves you and respects you, they will validate

0:30:17.680 --> 0:30:20.240
<v Speaker 2>it even if they don't agree with you necessarily.

0:30:20.440 --> 0:30:22.200
<v Speaker 1>Anyway, Yeah, into.

0:30:23.480 --> 0:30:26.040
<v Speaker 2>And now I will breathe into Like where this whole

0:30:26.400 --> 0:30:28.920
<v Speaker 2>the name of it started, because like, so, gaslighting is

0:30:28.960 --> 0:30:31.880
<v Speaker 2>a concept has been around for so long since this.

0:30:32.280 --> 0:30:34.360
<v Speaker 2>I mean, I'm sure the behavior has been around for forever,

0:30:34.480 --> 0:30:36.520
<v Speaker 2>but the concept and the name of it was coined

0:30:36.560 --> 0:30:38.960
<v Speaker 2>in the nineteen thirties. There's a play that was written

0:30:39.000 --> 0:30:41.479
<v Speaker 2>in nineteen thirty eight. It's a mystery thriller written by

0:30:41.520 --> 0:30:44.320
<v Speaker 2>British playwright Patrick Hamilton and at this called gas Light.

0:30:44.400 --> 0:30:46.400
<v Speaker 2>It was made into a movie in nineteen forty four,

0:30:46.840 --> 0:30:51.760
<v Speaker 2>and the whole premise of this play slash movie is

0:30:51.800 --> 0:30:54.640
<v Speaker 2>that the husband so the husband and wife, and the

0:30:54.720 --> 0:30:58.160
<v Speaker 2>husband is manipulating the wife into feeling like she's crazy,

0:30:58.200 --> 0:31:00.720
<v Speaker 2>and so he would set things up, do things to

0:31:00.840 --> 0:31:03.400
<v Speaker 2>really make her question her reality, to the point where

0:31:03.960 --> 0:31:06.560
<v Speaker 2>he had set up the gas lights in the attic

0:31:06.640 --> 0:31:08.520
<v Speaker 2>to make them flicker, and she had said to him

0:31:08.520 --> 0:31:10.120
<v Speaker 2>this one day, Oh, we really need to fix the

0:31:10.120 --> 0:31:12.760
<v Speaker 2>gas lights in the attic because they keep flickering, and

0:31:12.760 --> 0:31:15.160
<v Speaker 2>he's like, what are you talking about? You're crazy, but

0:31:15.240 --> 0:31:16.440
<v Speaker 2>there's nothing wrong with gas lights.

0:31:16.480 --> 0:31:16.920
<v Speaker 1>They're not on.

0:31:17.440 --> 0:31:20.800
<v Speaker 2>And so he did this with such consistency and with

0:31:21.320 --> 0:31:23.840
<v Speaker 2>such malicious intent that by the time it got to

0:31:23.880 --> 0:31:26.240
<v Speaker 2>the end of the movie, she actually thought she was insane.

0:31:26.640 --> 0:31:28.960
<v Speaker 2>And I think that, like, that's obviously a really extreme

0:31:29.080 --> 0:31:33.000
<v Speaker 2>version of it, but this sort of behavior consistently over

0:31:33.040 --> 0:31:36.760
<v Speaker 2>a period of time leaves you feeling so incredibly fucking

0:31:36.960 --> 0:31:40.720
<v Speaker 2>insane in your relationship. I think it's important to, like one,

0:31:40.800 --> 0:31:43.120
<v Speaker 2>recognize that if you're in a relationship where you feel

0:31:43.160 --> 0:31:45.320
<v Speaker 2>crazy and you feel very different to how you have

0:31:45.360 --> 0:31:48.320
<v Speaker 2>in your other relationships, where you feel super insecure, you

0:31:48.320 --> 0:31:52.320
<v Speaker 2>feel overly sensitive, your partner's telling you that you're behaving crazy,

0:31:52.560 --> 0:31:54.200
<v Speaker 2>then there is a really good chance that you're actually

0:31:54.200 --> 0:31:55.720
<v Speaker 2>being gaslighted in that you.

0:31:55.720 --> 0:31:58.200
<v Speaker 1>Want to know something really interesting, tell me. So it's

0:31:58.200 --> 0:32:01.560
<v Speaker 1>funny because the term obviously genated in the thirties after

0:32:01.600 --> 0:32:07.080
<v Speaker 1>that movie, but it didn't become popular until Donald Trump

0:32:07.160 --> 0:32:10.320
<v Speaker 1>was elected, and it has been used so much since

0:32:10.800 --> 0:32:15.040
<v Speaker 1>his inauguration that in twenty eighteen, the Oxford Dictionary named

0:32:15.040 --> 0:32:16.080
<v Speaker 1>it the most popular term.

0:32:16.200 --> 0:32:18.480
<v Speaker 2>I kind of believe that because Donald Trump just gas

0:32:18.600 --> 0:32:20.760
<v Speaker 2>lights everyone, I think I read the same thing that

0:32:20.760 --> 0:32:23.440
<v Speaker 2>you're quoting now. But it's been used in relation to

0:32:23.440 --> 0:32:25.400
<v Speaker 2>a lot of politicians. So it's not just a term

0:32:25.480 --> 0:32:28.480
<v Speaker 2>that has to be relative to relationships. It's a term

0:32:28.520 --> 0:32:31.040
<v Speaker 2>that can be used in the workplace. Like brit said,

0:32:31.040 --> 0:32:33.440
<v Speaker 2>it's a term that can be used it's when anybody

0:32:33.480 --> 0:32:36.640
<v Speaker 2>tries to sort of fundamentally shift what your reality is

0:32:36.680 --> 0:32:39.400
<v Speaker 2>based on lies. So it can be used from politicians.

0:32:39.400 --> 0:32:41.000
<v Speaker 2>I'm sure that they're using it all the time.

0:32:41.120 --> 0:32:44.680
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god. Absolutely. Okay, So I've shared my example obviously,

0:32:44.800 --> 0:32:48.640
<v Speaker 1>my example of me being gas lit gaslighted? What gas

0:32:48.640 --> 0:32:52.360
<v Speaker 1>lits saver? You've spoken about your toxic X. Do you

0:32:52.360 --> 0:32:54.600
<v Speaker 1>have an example of something that happened in that relationship

0:32:54.640 --> 0:32:56.880
<v Speaker 1>so maybe people can try to relate to It could

0:32:56.920 --> 0:32:59.360
<v Speaker 1>be a little thing, it could be something huge. Let

0:32:59.400 --> 0:33:00.600
<v Speaker 1>me get the list. Yes.

0:33:00.880 --> 0:33:04.600
<v Speaker 2>So one of the big things that happened really early

0:33:04.640 --> 0:33:07.760
<v Speaker 2>on in our relationship was we were out this one

0:33:07.880 --> 0:33:10.560
<v Speaker 2>night at a nightclub and like we'd been drinking. We've

0:33:10.560 --> 0:33:12.120
<v Speaker 2>been going through a bit of a bad patch as well,

0:33:12.120 --> 0:33:14.240
<v Speaker 2>which I don't understand why we were going through a

0:33:14.240 --> 0:33:18.080
<v Speaker 2>bad patch, like nothing had happened, but he was behaving

0:33:18.160 --> 0:33:21.520
<v Speaker 2>really really distant to me, and I didn't know what

0:33:21.560 --> 0:33:24.320
<v Speaker 2>I had done wrong, and I was already feeling like, Okay, well,

0:33:24.320 --> 0:33:26.400
<v Speaker 2>what have I done in this situation to put a

0:33:26.400 --> 0:33:29.800
<v Speaker 2>wedge between us? And we were out and he wasn't

0:33:29.840 --> 0:33:31.880
<v Speaker 2>really talking to me very much and he was quite

0:33:31.960 --> 0:33:35.320
<v Speaker 2>angry with me, and then he was on his phone heaps,

0:33:35.360 --> 0:33:37.480
<v Speaker 2>like texting, and he was just constantly on his phone

0:33:37.480 --> 0:33:40.479
<v Speaker 2>whilst we're on a night out together. And I went

0:33:40.560 --> 0:33:42.520
<v Speaker 2>up to him and I said, I feel like you're

0:33:42.520 --> 0:33:45.640
<v Speaker 2>texting another girl, and if you are doing that, you

0:33:45.680 --> 0:33:48.040
<v Speaker 2>need to shut that shit down right now. And he

0:33:48.200 --> 0:33:51.520
<v Speaker 2>was like, you're insane. You're a psycho. Like you're a

0:33:51.560 --> 0:33:55.280
<v Speaker 2>fucking psycho. In that situation where where I really really

0:33:55.320 --> 0:33:56.960
<v Speaker 2>wanted to believe him, I was so in love with him,

0:33:57.000 --> 0:33:59.000
<v Speaker 2>like I really really really wanted to be wrong, and

0:33:59.240 --> 0:34:02.280
<v Speaker 2>I wanted cold evidence. I wasn't going off my instinct,

0:34:02.320 --> 0:34:04.080
<v Speaker 2>I wasn't going off my gut, like I wanted cold,

0:34:04.120 --> 0:34:06.720
<v Speaker 2>hard evidence if he was actually cheating on me. And

0:34:06.760 --> 0:34:09.520
<v Speaker 2>so I got home and I said to him again,

0:34:09.560 --> 0:34:11.120
<v Speaker 2>I was like, I feel like you've been texting a

0:34:11.120 --> 0:34:13.800
<v Speaker 2>girl tonight. I don't know why, but my intuition is raging,

0:34:13.840 --> 0:34:15.520
<v Speaker 2>and I really really think that you've been doing the

0:34:15.520 --> 0:34:17.879
<v Speaker 2>wrong thing. And he continued with the whole your your

0:34:17.920 --> 0:34:21.520
<v Speaker 2>crazy narrative, and then he fell asleep, and I picked

0:34:21.600 --> 0:34:24.000
<v Speaker 2>up his phone. I went through his phone, and he

0:34:24.040 --> 0:34:27.120
<v Speaker 2>had only just recently moved, so like literally two weeks prior,

0:34:27.200 --> 0:34:29.960
<v Speaker 2>we had moved across the road from his original apartment,

0:34:30.840 --> 0:34:34.200
<v Speaker 2>and this girl was messaging him saying, I'm downstairs, let

0:34:34.200 --> 0:34:37.720
<v Speaker 2>me in. So she was downstairs at his old apartment.

0:34:37.760 --> 0:34:39.279
<v Speaker 2>It was a girl he used to hook up with,

0:34:39.360 --> 0:34:42.320
<v Speaker 2>and she was buzzing the buzzer of the apartment downstairs

0:34:42.320 --> 0:34:43.800
<v Speaker 2>to get in for a booty call, to get in

0:34:43.880 --> 0:34:45.400
<v Speaker 2>for a booty call, because he had been texting her

0:34:45.440 --> 0:34:48.240
<v Speaker 2>the whole time anyway. So it was like it was insane,

0:34:48.280 --> 0:34:51.719
<v Speaker 2>It was such it was so insane this situation played out.

0:34:51.960 --> 0:34:55.400
<v Speaker 2>And then what's even more insane is that that was

0:34:55.400 --> 0:34:58.040
<v Speaker 2>at a point in my life where I didn't have

0:34:58.080 --> 0:35:01.240
<v Speaker 2>the confidence that I have now, Like standards were already

0:35:01.320 --> 0:35:03.239
<v Speaker 2>so so low, and like I.

0:35:03.160 --> 0:35:05.759
<v Speaker 1>Didn't have the respect for myself. I didn't think I.

0:35:05.760 --> 0:35:08.759
<v Speaker 2>Deserved what I deserve, and I really put up with

0:35:08.800 --> 0:35:12.040
<v Speaker 2>behavior that's completely beneath me, and I forgave him, and

0:35:12.080 --> 0:35:14.439
<v Speaker 2>I stayed in that relationship for two years. And what

0:35:14.480 --> 0:35:16.520
<v Speaker 2>I like, the point of this that I really want

0:35:16.560 --> 0:35:18.680
<v Speaker 2>to drive home is that if you see this behavior

0:35:18.719 --> 0:35:21.520
<v Speaker 2>early on in your relationship, these are big fucking red

0:35:21.560 --> 0:35:24.120
<v Speaker 2>flags and it doesn't get better. And someone who gaslights

0:35:24.120 --> 0:35:26.080
<v Speaker 2>you early on or behaves in a way that's like

0:35:26.520 --> 0:35:30.200
<v Speaker 2>rocks your foundation. You need to leave before it becomes

0:35:30.280 --> 0:35:32.960
<v Speaker 2>too late and before you're too emotionally invested. But there

0:35:33.000 --> 0:35:37.120
<v Speaker 2>is fundamentally something wrong with somebody who lies to your

0:35:37.160 --> 0:35:42.200
<v Speaker 2>face black and blue because it suits their agenda absolutely.

0:35:42.239 --> 0:35:43.960
<v Speaker 1>And as I said, it sounds like you and I

0:35:44.000 --> 0:35:46.279
<v Speaker 1>were in the same position in terms of the way

0:35:46.320 --> 0:35:48.759
<v Speaker 1>we felt about ourselves and we didn't think we deserve better.

0:35:48.760 --> 0:35:50.920
<v Speaker 1>And I think there are a lot of people out

0:35:50.920 --> 0:35:53.759
<v Speaker 1>there that will really relate to that. But I do

0:35:53.880 --> 0:35:55.600
<v Speaker 1>really really want to drive home that I think the

0:35:55.600 --> 0:35:59.160
<v Speaker 1>biggest thing is just education and people talking about it.

0:35:59.239 --> 0:36:00.960
<v Speaker 1>I didn't know what it was, You didn't know what

0:36:01.000 --> 0:36:03.359
<v Speaker 1>it was. We couldn't recognize the behavior. So that's why

0:36:03.400 --> 0:36:05.760
<v Speaker 1>I want to drive home. We have so many young

0:36:05.800 --> 0:36:08.319
<v Speaker 1>female listeners, and I want to do everything I can

0:36:09.160 --> 0:36:12.120
<v Speaker 1>to keep you guys out of this toxic situation.

0:36:12.520 --> 0:36:14.200
<v Speaker 2>And also, I guess if you find yourself in a

0:36:14.239 --> 0:36:17.719
<v Speaker 2>toxic situation or you find yourself questioning, like if you're

0:36:17.719 --> 0:36:20.000
<v Speaker 2>having a fight with your boyfriend and it's the same

0:36:20.120 --> 0:36:23.000
<v Speaker 2>narrative that's happening over and over and over, and they're

0:36:23.000 --> 0:36:24.719
<v Speaker 2>telling you that you're crazy, or they're telling you that

0:36:24.760 --> 0:36:27.319
<v Speaker 2>you're making it up, talk to your friends, talk to

0:36:27.360 --> 0:36:29.759
<v Speaker 2>your sister, talk to your mom, talk to the people

0:36:29.800 --> 0:36:32.600
<v Speaker 2>who are close to you, and explain the situation. Because

0:36:32.840 --> 0:36:35.080
<v Speaker 2>if your friends and family can say to you you're

0:36:35.080 --> 0:36:37.719
<v Speaker 2>not crazy, that behavior is really really screwed up, then

0:36:37.760 --> 0:36:40.240
<v Speaker 2>that gives you ammunition to go back and say, actually,

0:36:40.280 --> 0:36:43.439
<v Speaker 2>do you know what, like this, whatever you're saying is real.

0:36:43.520 --> 0:36:45.680
<v Speaker 2>I know it's not real, Like I know the truth.

0:36:46.040 --> 0:36:49.000
<v Speaker 2>But you need to realize that the only person who

0:36:49.040 --> 0:36:52.040
<v Speaker 2>you can control in some situations is yourself, Especially if

0:36:52.040 --> 0:36:54.239
<v Speaker 2>you're in a real toxic relationship with someone who does

0:36:54.320 --> 0:36:58.880
<v Speaker 2>have sort of narcissistic personality disorder. You're never going to

0:36:58.920 --> 0:37:03.160
<v Speaker 2>be able to convince them or make them necessarily believe

0:37:03.520 --> 0:37:05.120
<v Speaker 2>your version or get them.

0:37:04.960 --> 0:37:07.120
<v Speaker 1>To agree with you. You just have to make choices that

0:37:07.120 --> 0:37:10.759
<v Speaker 1>are completely for yourself, which is probably leaving the relationship.

0:37:11.360 --> 0:37:14.480
<v Speaker 1>I looked up a psychologist that actually sort of specializes

0:37:14.560 --> 0:37:16.360
<v Speaker 1>in this behavior and she deals with a lot of

0:37:16.360 --> 0:37:19.880
<v Speaker 1>people that have been through this situation. She has highlighted

0:37:19.920 --> 0:37:23.160
<v Speaker 1>some things, some sentences to sort of ask yourself to

0:37:23.200 --> 0:37:25.200
<v Speaker 1>see if you say yes to any of them that

0:37:25.440 --> 0:37:28.000
<v Speaker 1>maybe you need to dive a little bit deeper and

0:37:28.040 --> 0:37:29.800
<v Speaker 1>see if you're in this relationship. So we're going to

0:37:29.880 --> 0:37:32.360
<v Speaker 1>read a few of these out and just think to yourself,

0:37:33.120 --> 0:37:35.759
<v Speaker 1>has this happened to me? Does this happen to me? Yes?

0:37:35.840 --> 0:37:37.320
<v Speaker 1>I can agree, okay.

0:37:37.360 --> 0:37:39.759
<v Speaker 2>So, and like, if you're in a toxic relationship, you

0:37:39.840 --> 0:37:42.400
<v Speaker 2>already know that something is wrong, Like you already have

0:37:42.520 --> 0:37:47.480
<v Speaker 2>that feeling where you're so unsettled and like just the

0:37:47.719 --> 0:37:50.960
<v Speaker 2>essence of your body is like something is really wrong here.

0:37:51.000 --> 0:37:53.680
<v Speaker 2>And you always feel like you're fighting for the relationship

0:37:53.680 --> 0:37:55.800
<v Speaker 2>where you always feel like you're a little bit crazy.

0:37:56.120 --> 0:37:58.600
<v Speaker 2>But sometimes you need to have that validity really driven

0:37:58.640 --> 0:37:59.919
<v Speaker 2>home that you need to get out.

0:38:00.320 --> 0:38:02.759
<v Speaker 1>Okay, So she says to ask yourself, if you say

0:38:02.800 --> 0:38:06.320
<v Speaker 1>yes to any of these, ask yourself, am I too sensitive?

0:38:06.880 --> 0:38:09.239
<v Speaker 1>Do you ask yourself this multiple times a day? Do

0:38:09.320 --> 0:38:12.120
<v Speaker 1>you often feel confused and even crazy in the relationship.

0:38:12.560 --> 0:38:17.920
<v Speaker 1>Do you find yourself constantly apologizing you can't understand why

0:38:17.960 --> 0:38:20.640
<v Speaker 1>you aren't happy? Why aren't I happy in this relationship?

0:38:20.640 --> 0:38:24.120
<v Speaker 1>What am I doing wrong? Do you frequently make excuses

0:38:24.200 --> 0:38:28.080
<v Speaker 1>for your partner's behavior. Do you know that something is

0:38:28.080 --> 0:38:30.400
<v Speaker 1>wrong but you just can't put your finger on it.

0:38:30.520 --> 0:38:32.880
<v Speaker 1>You know in your gut, but you're just like, what

0:38:32.960 --> 0:38:34.759
<v Speaker 1>is that? I don't know? That was me for sure?

0:38:34.800 --> 0:38:36.839
<v Speaker 1>And Laura, you just put your hand up, oh my god,

0:38:38.160 --> 0:38:41.200
<v Speaker 1>like you're in clave. Do you start lying to avoid

0:38:41.520 --> 0:38:44.640
<v Speaker 1>people questioning his behavior or your partner's behavior? And this

0:38:44.680 --> 0:38:46.480
<v Speaker 1>can be not just we are saying it as a

0:38:46.520 --> 0:38:49.719
<v Speaker 1>male because majority of gas lighting situations are male dominated,

0:38:49.800 --> 0:38:53.040
<v Speaker 1>but women gaslight too. But for today we are just

0:38:53.040 --> 0:38:55.800
<v Speaker 1>saying we're using the pronoun Hey, do you find yourself

0:38:55.960 --> 0:38:57.680
<v Speaker 1>this is a big one and I did this. Do

0:38:57.760 --> 0:39:01.080
<v Speaker 1>you find yourself lying to your friends and family about

0:39:01.080 --> 0:39:03.719
<v Speaker 1>his behavior because you know the behavior is not right,

0:39:03.800 --> 0:39:05.840
<v Speaker 1>so you lie about it. I was doing that to

0:39:05.880 --> 0:39:08.920
<v Speaker 1>my sister all the time in my relationship. She would

0:39:08.960 --> 0:39:10.960
<v Speaker 1>call him out on it and question me like, why

0:39:11.000 --> 0:39:12.960
<v Speaker 1>you let him do that? Why is he doing this

0:39:13.000 --> 0:39:14.279
<v Speaker 1>to you? Why is he saying this to you? And

0:39:14.320 --> 0:39:17.520
<v Speaker 1>I would lie, I'd make up a whole story to

0:39:17.600 --> 0:39:19.600
<v Speaker 1>make him not look like an idiot or a liar

0:39:19.640 --> 0:39:20.800
<v Speaker 1>to my family.

0:39:20.680 --> 0:39:23.399
<v Speaker 2>Because otherwise you'd have to then justify why you were

0:39:23.480 --> 0:39:25.880
<v Speaker 2>putting up with being treated so badly. But it's because

0:39:25.920 --> 0:39:28.120
<v Speaker 2>you really really want the relationship.

0:39:27.719 --> 0:39:30.400
<v Speaker 1>Oh absolutely. And the last few were do you have

0:39:30.480 --> 0:39:34.480
<v Speaker 1>trouble making decisions on your own? Because a really slow

0:39:34.600 --> 0:39:39.480
<v Speaker 1>burn in a toxic gas lighting relationship is it's control,

0:39:39.600 --> 0:39:43.520
<v Speaker 1>so you start to lose the ability to want or

0:39:43.560 --> 0:39:45.680
<v Speaker 1>to be able to make decisions because usually you have

0:39:45.719 --> 0:39:47.959
<v Speaker 1>to run it by your partner. So that's a question

0:39:48.000 --> 0:39:50.000
<v Speaker 1>to ask yourself, have I has it changed and I

0:39:50.040 --> 0:39:52.920
<v Speaker 1>can't make decisions now? And do you wonder if you

0:39:52.960 --> 0:39:56.360
<v Speaker 1>were good enough? That is the big one that they say,

0:39:56.480 --> 0:39:58.879
<v Speaker 1>Do you ever ask yourself if you're good enough for him?

0:39:58.920 --> 0:40:01.880
<v Speaker 1>And you're questioning that that's because they are making you

0:40:01.920 --> 0:40:03.919
<v Speaker 1>feel like you're not. You just don't. That doesn't happen

0:40:03.960 --> 0:40:04.560
<v Speaker 1>on its own.

0:40:04.800 --> 0:40:07.440
<v Speaker 2>But then that also feeds into this feeling of like

0:40:08.520 --> 0:40:11.600
<v Speaker 2>why when someone treats you so badly you will still

0:40:11.640 --> 0:40:14.759
<v Speaker 2>fight so hard to keep the relationship and it's kind

0:40:14.760 --> 0:40:17.120
<v Speaker 2>of like this crazy thing. Then when you're out of it,

0:40:17.160 --> 0:40:19.560
<v Speaker 2>you're like, how did I ever put up with that behavior?

0:40:19.880 --> 0:40:21.800
<v Speaker 2>How did they ever think I was never going to

0:40:21.840 --> 0:40:24.040
<v Speaker 2>meet someone better than that? But when you're in it,

0:40:24.080 --> 0:40:27.520
<v Speaker 2>and you're entrenched in something that with someone who treats

0:40:27.560 --> 0:40:31.279
<v Speaker 2>you so badly, it's so all encompassing. If you're in it,

0:40:31.320 --> 0:40:34.040
<v Speaker 2>like right now you, I'm talking to you. If you're

0:40:34.040 --> 0:40:36.320
<v Speaker 2>in it, what you need to ask yourself is what

0:40:36.800 --> 0:40:40.040
<v Speaker 2>is there about this relationship that's so good that it's

0:40:40.160 --> 0:40:43.359
<v Speaker 2>worth putting up with feeling this crazy all the time for?

0:40:43.840 --> 0:40:47.120
<v Speaker 2>And honestly, the answer should be nothing, Like, there is

0:40:47.200 --> 0:40:49.719
<v Speaker 2>nothing in this world. There's no person, there is no man,

0:40:49.760 --> 0:40:53.520
<v Speaker 2>there is no woman. There is literally nobody that is

0:40:53.600 --> 0:40:58.360
<v Speaker 2>so important that they can rock your fundamental identity of yourself,

0:40:58.400 --> 0:41:01.040
<v Speaker 2>that they can make you feel crazy, that they can

0:41:01.239 --> 0:41:04.160
<v Speaker 2>make you lower your standards, that nobody is worth that

0:41:04.320 --> 0:41:04.640
<v Speaker 2>at all.

0:41:04.719 --> 0:41:05.560
<v Speaker 1>Ever, I think that the.

0:41:05.520 --> 0:41:07.319
<v Speaker 2>Other thing that's really important to touch on in this

0:41:07.920 --> 0:41:09.960
<v Speaker 2>is that we said it a little bit briefly at

0:41:09.960 --> 0:41:12.440
<v Speaker 2>the start, but I really want to sit in it

0:41:12.480 --> 0:41:14.000
<v Speaker 2>and make sure that we've covered it as well. Is

0:41:14.000 --> 0:41:17.720
<v Speaker 2>that just because you're in a relationship where someone does

0:41:17.800 --> 0:41:21.360
<v Speaker 2>gaslight as like their coping mechanism for an argument, doesn't

0:41:21.440 --> 0:41:24.000
<v Speaker 2>mean that you're necessarily in a bad relationship. There is

0:41:24.040 --> 0:41:26.520
<v Speaker 2>a very mild version of this as well, which comes

0:41:26.600 --> 0:41:30.399
<v Speaker 2>from people who are poor communicators. They don't really deal

0:41:30.520 --> 0:41:33.160
<v Speaker 2>with criticism or feedback very well, and it comes from

0:41:33.160 --> 0:41:35.560
<v Speaker 2>an insecurity, It comes with like lack of self confidence.

0:41:35.880 --> 0:41:38.799
<v Speaker 2>So I do think that there are some people who

0:41:38.840 --> 0:41:41.440
<v Speaker 2>when you point out to them, hey, you've hurt my feelings,

0:41:41.440 --> 0:41:44.080
<v Speaker 2>I feel like this, their initial reaction is to get

0:41:44.120 --> 0:41:46.520
<v Speaker 2>defensive or to say no, I didn't I didn't do that.

0:41:47.040 --> 0:41:48.839
<v Speaker 2>You know, I'm not the person you're saying that I am.

0:41:49.480 --> 0:41:51.880
<v Speaker 2>And it's not because they're a bad person. It's not

0:41:51.920 --> 0:41:54.600
<v Speaker 2>because it's a relationship that you should leave. It's just

0:41:54.640 --> 0:41:58.719
<v Speaker 2>that they aren't very great at communicating when they feel attacked,

0:41:59.040 --> 0:42:01.400
<v Speaker 2>and that's something that you absolutely can work on. That

0:42:01.480 --> 0:42:04.840
<v Speaker 2>relationship is so salvageable, And that's probably a pretty normal

0:42:05.320 --> 0:42:08.440
<v Speaker 2>part of like dealing with conflict in a relationship because

0:42:08.640 --> 0:42:10.680
<v Speaker 2>a lot of people don't deal with criticism very well.

0:42:10.680 --> 0:42:12.600
<v Speaker 2>I mean, I know I don't deal with criticism very well,

0:42:12.640 --> 0:42:14.680
<v Speaker 2>and I know that I can be defensive sometimes when

0:42:14.960 --> 0:42:16.960
<v Speaker 2>Matt tells me that I'm being a shit partner. The

0:42:17.040 --> 0:42:19.000
<v Speaker 2>difference is is that, like, I want to be better,

0:42:19.080 --> 0:42:22.920
<v Speaker 2>and I'm not intentionally manipulating him to get the outcome.

0:42:22.920 --> 0:42:26.760
<v Speaker 2>I'm not intentionally trying to lie. Where this behavior becomes

0:42:26.800 --> 0:42:30.120
<v Speaker 2>so toxic and so destructive is when someone knows they've

0:42:30.120 --> 0:42:32.359
<v Speaker 2>done the wrong thing and their intent on lying about

0:42:32.400 --> 0:42:34.239
<v Speaker 2>it and they're intent on like pulling the wool over

0:42:34.280 --> 0:42:34.640
<v Speaker 2>your eyes.

0:42:34.719 --> 0:42:36.480
<v Speaker 1>I want to jump in on what you just said

0:42:36.520 --> 0:42:40.240
<v Speaker 1>and really reiterate that gas lighting is not the same

0:42:40.600 --> 0:42:44.439
<v Speaker 1>as sensitivity. So what you just said. Some people can

0:42:44.480 --> 0:42:46.680
<v Speaker 1>be really sensitive in a relationship and that's just who

0:42:46.680 --> 0:42:49.320
<v Speaker 1>they are as a person, and they might take things

0:42:49.360 --> 0:42:53.120
<v Speaker 1>a bit harsher, might be constructive criticism, but they get defensive.

0:42:53.920 --> 0:42:56.200
<v Speaker 1>It's really important to differentiate if you are just being

0:42:56.239 --> 0:42:58.640
<v Speaker 1>overly sensitive and the person is trying to give you

0:42:58.680 --> 0:43:02.880
<v Speaker 1>constructive criticism, or if they're actually trying to alter your perception.

0:43:03.239 --> 0:43:06.239
<v Speaker 1>Because there's a big difference with sensitivity and gaslighting.

0:43:06.320 --> 0:43:08.680
<v Speaker 2>If you're in a relationship with someone who says things

0:43:08.719 --> 0:43:12.000
<v Speaker 2>to you like you're so sensitive or you're being paranoid

0:43:12.080 --> 0:43:14.440
<v Speaker 2>or you're acting crazy, or like you're making that up

0:43:14.640 --> 0:43:17.400
<v Speaker 2>or oh, I was just joking, babe. Like all of

0:43:17.440 --> 0:43:20.040
<v Speaker 2>these things are a way of kind of downplay and

0:43:20.080 --> 0:43:22.040
<v Speaker 2>not validate the way that you're feeling. And I think

0:43:22.040 --> 0:43:25.319
<v Speaker 2>that that that is like a very clear indication that

0:43:25.880 --> 0:43:28.280
<v Speaker 2>when you are bringing an argument, not even an argument,

0:43:28.280 --> 0:43:30.120
<v Speaker 2>when you're bringing conflict to the table, or when you're

0:43:30.120 --> 0:43:32.480
<v Speaker 2>trying to express that there's something wrong or something that's

0:43:32.560 --> 0:43:36.000
<v Speaker 2>upsetting you, then instead of taking responsibility and taking ownership,

0:43:36.080 --> 0:43:39.160
<v Speaker 2>your partner instead is trying to flip the narrative and

0:43:39.280 --> 0:43:42.480
<v Speaker 2>make you the bad person. And that undermines everything that

0:43:42.520 --> 0:43:46.560
<v Speaker 2>you're feeling. It undermines everything that's happened, and that there's

0:43:46.560 --> 0:43:49.120
<v Speaker 2>nowhere to go. If if you're telling your partner that

0:43:49.200 --> 0:43:51.960
<v Speaker 2>you know you're upset by a situation and they won't

0:43:52.000 --> 0:43:56.040
<v Speaker 2>even validate that that situation is real, then the only

0:43:56.080 --> 0:43:58.239
<v Speaker 2>the only option you have is to back down from it,

0:43:58.320 --> 0:44:00.480
<v Speaker 2>and it means that they get to win in like

0:44:00.520 --> 0:44:03.000
<v Speaker 2>who wins in an argument. If both people in a

0:44:03.040 --> 0:44:07.200
<v Speaker 2>relationship are like well rounded and really reasonable people, then

0:44:07.320 --> 0:44:09.440
<v Speaker 2>it doesn't matter who comes with a you know, a

0:44:09.480 --> 0:44:13.880
<v Speaker 2>disagreement or feeling upset like, a normal response to conflict

0:44:14.080 --> 0:44:17.759
<v Speaker 2>is I'm sorry that I've made you feel like that,

0:44:17.920 --> 0:44:19.920
<v Speaker 2>and what can I do to make it better? Like

0:44:19.960 --> 0:44:22.319
<v Speaker 2>that is the that is the most normal reaction. But

0:44:22.680 --> 0:44:25.000
<v Speaker 2>if you're not getting that from your partner, if you

0:44:25.280 --> 0:44:27.759
<v Speaker 2>are afraid to talk to them about things that are

0:44:27.800 --> 0:44:30.160
<v Speaker 2>making you upset because you're so scared that they're gonna

0:44:30.239 --> 0:44:32.680
<v Speaker 2>dump you, or they're gonna start a fight, or you're

0:44:32.680 --> 0:44:35.080
<v Speaker 2>gonna end up blowing up about it, then you really

0:44:35.120 --> 0:44:37.920
<v Speaker 2>need to assess like that there's something fundamentally wrong there.

0:44:37.920 --> 0:44:41.000
<v Speaker 2>And I think depending on where you're at in your relationship,

0:44:41.040 --> 0:44:43.120
<v Speaker 2>it's much harder. Obviously, if you're married and you've got

0:44:43.239 --> 0:44:45.200
<v Speaker 2>kids and you're having these blow ups, then I think

0:44:45.239 --> 0:44:47.560
<v Speaker 2>that you need to go and speak to a counselor,

0:44:47.640 --> 0:44:50.040
<v Speaker 2>or speak to a third party, or speak to somebody

0:44:50.080 --> 0:44:52.640
<v Speaker 2>else about it. But if you're in the early early

0:44:52.680 --> 0:44:55.120
<v Speaker 2>stages of a relationship, this is such a huge red

0:44:55.120 --> 0:44:57.440
<v Speaker 2>flag that this is not the right relationship for you,

0:44:57.520 --> 0:45:00.360
<v Speaker 2>and then like cut your losses and leave because you

0:45:00.440 --> 0:45:03.120
<v Speaker 2>need to be validated. Conflict resolution is one of the

0:45:03.160 --> 0:45:07.040
<v Speaker 2>most important aspects of a thriving and sustainable relationship, and

0:45:07.120 --> 0:45:09.040
<v Speaker 2>if you don't have that early on. I don't think

0:45:09.080 --> 0:45:11.080
<v Speaker 2>that that's something that you can really work towards.

0:45:11.360 --> 0:45:13.759
<v Speaker 1>I do just want to make a note that I

0:45:13.760 --> 0:45:15.560
<v Speaker 1>did get a lot of this information from a woman

0:45:15.600 --> 0:45:19.359
<v Speaker 1>called Robin Stern. She is a licensed psychoanalyst. That is,

0:45:19.440 --> 0:45:21.960
<v Speaker 1>she's an associate director at like the Yale Center for

0:45:22.080 --> 0:45:25.080
<v Speaker 1>Emotional Intelligence, So she knows her stuff. This girl knows

0:45:25.080 --> 0:45:28.080
<v Speaker 1>her shit. She knows her shit. But I just found

0:45:28.080 --> 0:45:31.440
<v Speaker 1>it really interesting. She just says, quote, it's worth noting

0:45:31.480 --> 0:45:34.640
<v Speaker 1>that in my practice, the gaslightter is typically a man,

0:45:34.719 --> 0:45:37.840
<v Speaker 1>and the gaslight tee is typically a woman. In my

0:45:37.880 --> 0:45:41.920
<v Speaker 1>clinical experience, many women are socialized to doubt themselves and

0:45:41.960 --> 0:45:46.120
<v Speaker 1>continually apologize for disagreeing or upsetting their partners, but men

0:45:46.239 --> 0:45:52.239
<v Speaker 1>are not. I find that really interesting that women, we

0:45:52.280 --> 0:45:55.399
<v Speaker 1>are almost made now to be pleased, and we apologize

0:45:55.440 --> 0:45:58.120
<v Speaker 1>constantly because we want to fix the situation. So it

0:45:58.160 --> 0:46:01.200
<v Speaker 1>doesn't matter what the man is delivering to us or

0:46:01.200 --> 0:46:04.359
<v Speaker 1>what the situation is. We usually just want to get

0:46:04.360 --> 0:46:06.000
<v Speaker 1>it done and be like, fine, I'm sorry.

0:46:06.239 --> 0:46:09.160
<v Speaker 2>So let's bring this back to a very very very

0:46:09.160 --> 0:46:11.439
<v Speaker 2>pivotal thing that we have both watched this week, which

0:46:11.480 --> 0:46:13.839
<v Speaker 2>is too hot to handle, and that was what got

0:46:13.880 --> 0:46:16.440
<v Speaker 2>us onto this topic in the first place. So guys,

0:46:16.480 --> 0:46:18.880
<v Speaker 2>if you haven't seen the series yet, then maybe skip

0:46:18.880 --> 0:46:20.239
<v Speaker 2>ahead a little bit because I don't want to give

0:46:20.239 --> 0:46:23.680
<v Speaker 2>wear any spoilers. But there is this section in the

0:46:23.840 --> 0:46:27.680
<v Speaker 2>series where Harry and Francesca have made out, so they

0:46:27.680 --> 0:46:30.480
<v Speaker 2>broke the rules, right, and then Harry goes back and

0:46:30.520 --> 0:46:32.920
<v Speaker 2>he tells the guys, oh, Francesca made out with me.

0:46:33.000 --> 0:46:35.200
<v Speaker 2>He throws her under the bus because she didn't. He

0:46:35.280 --> 0:46:38.719
<v Speaker 2>completely completely was the one who, like he fully threw

0:46:38.800 --> 0:46:40.800
<v Speaker 2>himself on her. If anything, it was a bit predatory,

0:46:40.800 --> 0:46:43.439
<v Speaker 2>but whatever, so he is the one who did it,

0:46:43.920 --> 0:46:46.440
<v Speaker 2>and then he throws her under the bus. He doesn't

0:46:46.440 --> 0:46:49.080
<v Speaker 2>take any responsibility for it, like when she's sitting there

0:46:49.080 --> 0:46:51.560
<v Speaker 2>being like, why are you saying this? Like I whatever,

0:46:51.600 --> 0:46:54.480
<v Speaker 2>I didn't do that. It's obviously over. The relationship's done.

0:46:54.520 --> 0:46:57.319
<v Speaker 2>She then starts dating somebody else, and he's like a

0:46:57.360 --> 0:47:00.680
<v Speaker 2>wounded puppy because he hates seeing her dating somebody else.

0:47:01.040 --> 0:47:05.080
<v Speaker 2>But she's done nothing wrong. Then she still has feelings

0:47:05.080 --> 0:47:07.400
<v Speaker 2>for him, she wants to be with him. She kind

0:47:07.440 --> 0:47:09.720
<v Speaker 2>of like regrets that she's gone and dated this other person,

0:47:09.800 --> 0:47:11.879
<v Speaker 2>so she goes back to Harry and she starts having

0:47:11.920 --> 0:47:14.120
<v Speaker 2>conversation with him about how she still has feelings for him,

0:47:14.400 --> 0:47:16.960
<v Speaker 2>and instead of having like a mature and open conversation

0:47:16.960 --> 0:47:20.959
<v Speaker 2>about this, Harry's response is, well, you know, I don't

0:47:20.960 --> 0:47:23.359
<v Speaker 2>know if I can forgive you for what you've done.

0:47:23.600 --> 0:47:26.160
<v Speaker 2>And she hadn't done anything wrong, but he had managed

0:47:26.200 --> 0:47:30.080
<v Speaker 2>to flip the conversation and make her apologize for behavior

0:47:30.120 --> 0:47:32.320
<v Speaker 2>that was actually his shitty behavior in the first place.

0:47:32.719 --> 0:47:35.600
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, she was apologizing and begging for him back, and

0:47:35.680 --> 0:47:37.719
<v Speaker 1>I found myself asking Sherry. I was like, did I

0:47:37.760 --> 0:47:40.719
<v Speaker 1>miss something? What's she apologizing for? I couldn't work it

0:47:40.719 --> 0:47:43.839
<v Speaker 1>out how how he got there and how she got there,

0:47:43.880 --> 0:47:47.160
<v Speaker 1>But it was happening, and it was such blatant gas lighting,

0:47:47.239 --> 0:47:51.520
<v Speaker 1>Like he was amazing at emotionally manipulating her at this point.

0:47:51.560 --> 0:47:55.120
<v Speaker 2>But I think it's really important to acknowledge he is

0:47:55.239 --> 0:47:58.080
<v Speaker 2>very young. He is twenty three years old, and that

0:47:58.120 --> 0:48:00.920
<v Speaker 2>behavior is indicative of somebody who's young and who doesn't

0:48:00.960 --> 0:48:04.840
<v Speaker 2>necessarily have like the full spectrum or experience in how

0:48:04.880 --> 0:48:07.600
<v Speaker 2>to deal with conflict and how to treat someone who

0:48:08.040 --> 0:48:10.640
<v Speaker 2>you know, he wanted to uphold bro code and like

0:48:10.680 --> 0:48:12.400
<v Speaker 2>keep everyone happy. Like I don't think he dealt with

0:48:12.400 --> 0:48:13.920
<v Speaker 2>it in the best way. But I do think that

0:48:13.960 --> 0:48:16.160
<v Speaker 2>age plays a massive part in it, and I think

0:48:16.160 --> 0:48:18.440
<v Speaker 2>that people who were in their early twenties are afforded

0:48:18.440 --> 0:48:20.759
<v Speaker 2>a bit of time to be jerks. But when you're

0:48:20.800 --> 0:48:23.319
<v Speaker 2>in your thirties, that's who you are. Like, if you're

0:48:23.360 --> 0:48:25.920
<v Speaker 2>thirty three and you're doing shit like that, that's the

0:48:25.920 --> 0:48:28.400
<v Speaker 2>man that you are. And I really think it's important

0:48:28.440 --> 0:48:30.120
<v Speaker 2>that if you're in that point in your life and

0:48:30.120 --> 0:48:32.000
<v Speaker 2>you're dating someone who is meant to be a man,

0:48:32.040 --> 0:48:34.759
<v Speaker 2>and they're still displaying this sort of behavior, then it's

0:48:34.920 --> 0:48:37.239
<v Speaker 2>never going to change, Like it's the person that they are.

0:48:37.480 --> 0:48:39.840
<v Speaker 1>I do absolutely agree with what you said. Whilst it

0:48:39.920 --> 0:48:42.880
<v Speaker 1>was a blatant example on Harry's behalf of gas lighting,

0:48:42.920 --> 0:48:44.960
<v Speaker 1>I don't think there was anything malicious in there. I

0:48:44.960 --> 0:48:48.000
<v Speaker 1>don't think it was intentional. I don't even know if

0:48:48.040 --> 0:48:49.640
<v Speaker 1>he knew he was doing it. I think he would

0:48:49.640 --> 0:48:52.160
<v Speaker 1>probably watch it. I imagine he would watch it back

0:48:52.200 --> 0:48:54.920
<v Speaker 1>and be like, Wow, I didn't. I can see what

0:48:55.000 --> 0:48:58.200
<v Speaker 1>that looks like now, as you know, as an outsider.

0:48:57.760 --> 0:48:59.719
<v Speaker 2>Maybe it's kind of interesting that these people, like even

0:48:59.760 --> 0:49:03.320
<v Speaker 2>for us when you do reality TV, you kind of

0:49:03.320 --> 0:49:06.279
<v Speaker 2>watch yourself back and you're like, oh, yeah, I like

0:49:06.360 --> 0:49:08.600
<v Speaker 2>that about myself and I don't like that about myself.

0:49:08.600 --> 0:49:11.400
<v Speaker 2>It's almost a self development in and of itself the

0:49:11.440 --> 0:49:14.960
<v Speaker 2>experiment because you see behaviors back that you can reflect on,

0:49:15.239 --> 0:49:17.600
<v Speaker 2>which nobody ever really gets to watch, Like you never

0:49:17.640 --> 0:49:19.520
<v Speaker 2>get to watch your life back in that sort of way.

0:49:20.239 --> 0:49:23.520
<v Speaker 1>Oh. I found it really fascinating watching myself back. There

0:49:23.600 --> 0:49:25.239
<v Speaker 1>was nothing that I did where I was like, oh

0:49:25.280 --> 0:49:27.200
<v Speaker 1>my god, I'm horrible. I would have changed that, but

0:49:27.239 --> 0:49:30.440
<v Speaker 1>it definitely I can't imagine these people watching themselves and

0:49:30.520 --> 0:49:32.840
<v Speaker 1>not learning or taking something from it. For sure. If

0:49:32.880 --> 0:49:35.240
<v Speaker 1>you guys haven't seen Too Hot to Handle yet, please

0:49:35.320 --> 0:49:37.319
<v Speaker 1>go and see it. And I think we should talk

0:49:37.320 --> 0:49:39.920
<v Speaker 1>about it on the Facebook page maybe. Okay.

0:49:39.960 --> 0:49:42.560
<v Speaker 2>So I think if you're in a situation where you

0:49:42.640 --> 0:49:46.440
<v Speaker 2>know that you're being gas lit city, then what do

0:49:46.480 --> 0:49:48.680
<v Speaker 2>you do in this situation? Right, Like, what's your next

0:49:48.680 --> 0:49:50.799
<v Speaker 2>step apart from like getting the fuck out of there?

0:49:50.800 --> 0:49:54.239
<v Speaker 2>Which sometimes that's not always there, not like that's not

0:49:54.239 --> 0:49:56.960
<v Speaker 2>always the solution. Like sometimes you can't just lead the relationship. Well,

0:49:56.960 --> 0:49:58.600
<v Speaker 2>maybe you're not ready to, or maybe you don't want

0:49:58.600 --> 0:50:00.480
<v Speaker 2>to and you actually want to work on it. What

0:50:00.640 --> 0:50:03.279
<v Speaker 2>do you do to show your partner and explain to

0:50:03.280 --> 0:50:05.480
<v Speaker 2>your partner like, this is behavior that's not acceptable and.

0:50:05.400 --> 0:50:07.399
<v Speaker 1>I'm not going to stand for this. It can be

0:50:07.560 --> 0:50:10.839
<v Speaker 1>excruciatingly difficult to pull yourself out of this sort of

0:50:10.880 --> 0:50:13.880
<v Speaker 1>a toxic relationship and this sort of a power dynamic.

0:50:14.239 --> 0:50:15.920
<v Speaker 1>But there are some steps that you can do. There

0:50:15.920 --> 0:50:18.600
<v Speaker 1>are some things that you can do within yourself with

0:50:18.719 --> 0:50:21.080
<v Speaker 1>other people in your life, so let's just nut out

0:50:21.080 --> 0:50:24.120
<v Speaker 1>some of them. Obviously. Step one is identify the problem.

0:50:24.200 --> 0:50:26.759
<v Speaker 1>Hopefully by now you have identified that from some of

0:50:26.840 --> 0:50:29.680
<v Speaker 1>the things we've said before, the questions you can ask yourself.

0:50:30.360 --> 0:50:33.160
<v Speaker 1>If you're not sure and you're a fensitter and you're like,

0:50:33.280 --> 0:50:35.200
<v Speaker 1>am I crazy? Or is he doing this to me?

0:50:36.480 --> 0:50:38.440
<v Speaker 1>They suggest you go to a friend or someone that's

0:50:38.440 --> 0:50:42.040
<v Speaker 1>close to both of you and just say, don't protect me,

0:50:42.880 --> 0:50:46.200
<v Speaker 1>don't sugarcoat it. Tell me, do you agree the way

0:50:46.200 --> 0:50:47.880
<v Speaker 1>he treats me? Do you agree the way things he

0:50:47.920 --> 0:50:50.560
<v Speaker 1>says to me? And just ask them, because you know

0:50:50.600 --> 0:50:52.200
<v Speaker 1>that these people love you and they're going to tell

0:50:52.200 --> 0:50:54.080
<v Speaker 1>you the truth. And if you go to them and say,

0:50:54.120 --> 0:50:56.560
<v Speaker 1>don't sugarcoat it. Give it to me hard, give me

0:50:56.600 --> 0:50:59.560
<v Speaker 1>the hard truth. They will do that, and you're gonna

0:50:59.600 --> 0:51:01.839
<v Speaker 1>learn a lot from that, because these people only want

0:51:01.880 --> 0:51:02.560
<v Speaker 1>the best for you.

0:51:02.560 --> 0:51:04.319
<v Speaker 2>You're gonna go to your friends and ask them for

0:51:04.360 --> 0:51:07.440
<v Speaker 2>their cold heart and honest opinion about your partner and

0:51:07.480 --> 0:51:10.400
<v Speaker 2>about your relationship. Then you need to be really ready

0:51:10.440 --> 0:51:13.040
<v Speaker 2>to make some changes, because it's really an unfair position

0:51:13.120 --> 0:51:15.279
<v Speaker 2>to put your friends in to say, hey, give me,

0:51:15.520 --> 0:51:18.080
<v Speaker 2>give me your opinion on my partner who treats me

0:51:18.120 --> 0:51:20.000
<v Speaker 2>like shit, and they're going to tell you that and

0:51:20.040 --> 0:51:22.400
<v Speaker 2>then be like, sweet, we're gonna stay together because we

0:51:22.440 --> 0:51:25.120
<v Speaker 2>love each other forever. Like that's not fair. And I've

0:51:25.160 --> 0:51:26.759
<v Speaker 2>done that to my friends before and it makes it

0:51:26.760 --> 0:51:28.880
<v Speaker 2>really uncomfortable for them. So I think you can only

0:51:28.920 --> 0:51:31.520
<v Speaker 2>really do that if you're at a point and at

0:51:31.560 --> 0:51:33.719
<v Speaker 2>a at a crossroad where you need to make some

0:51:33.760 --> 0:51:36.320
<v Speaker 2>hard decisions and you're ready to make those hard decisions,

0:51:36.719 --> 0:51:40.960
<v Speaker 2>because otherwise it just becomes them against you. They feel

0:51:41.040 --> 0:51:43.279
<v Speaker 2>uncomfortable because they have now said the wrong thing about

0:51:43.280 --> 0:51:45.480
<v Speaker 2>your partner, and it's just it can open up a

0:51:45.480 --> 0:51:47.839
<v Speaker 2>whole other can of worms with your relationship with your

0:51:47.840 --> 0:51:50.319
<v Speaker 2>nearest and dearest, I think just on what Brits said

0:51:50.320 --> 0:51:53.960
<v Speaker 2>as well, like, you know this is happening, draw a

0:51:54.000 --> 0:51:56.040
<v Speaker 2>line in the sand in the way that you communicate

0:51:56.040 --> 0:51:58.560
<v Speaker 2>with your partner, and as soon as you start seeing

0:51:58.600 --> 0:52:01.799
<v Speaker 2>it happen in your conflicts, So when you have gone

0:52:01.840 --> 0:52:04.200
<v Speaker 2>to your partner and said, this has upset me, and

0:52:04.239 --> 0:52:06.279
<v Speaker 2>as soon as you start seeing their behavior when they're

0:52:06.280 --> 0:52:09.560
<v Speaker 2>like that didn't happen or they're not acknowledging it, you

0:52:09.640 --> 0:52:13.400
<v Speaker 2>call a spatu spade and say, like, this conversation is

0:52:13.440 --> 0:52:16.160
<v Speaker 2>not going to happen like this. I am not going

0:52:16.200 --> 0:52:17.920
<v Speaker 2>to sit here and not be validated for the way

0:52:17.960 --> 0:52:20.160
<v Speaker 2>I feel. You're not going to tell me that this

0:52:20.200 --> 0:52:23.200
<v Speaker 2>didn't happen, because I know it happened. And you really

0:52:23.280 --> 0:52:26.520
<v Speaker 2>have to stand so strong in what you know is

0:52:26.600 --> 0:52:29.600
<v Speaker 2>reality and what you believe and the way that you feel.

0:52:30.719 --> 0:52:33.520
<v Speaker 2>Don't get crazy, don't get angry, don't yell, don't scream,

0:52:33.600 --> 0:52:36.400
<v Speaker 2>because that is exactly the reaction that they want because

0:52:36.520 --> 0:52:38.240
<v Speaker 2>they want you to yell, They want you to scream

0:52:38.320 --> 0:52:40.400
<v Speaker 2>because by you yelling and screaming, it means that they

0:52:40.440 --> 0:52:42.600
<v Speaker 2>get to then flip it and say, well, you're the

0:52:42.600 --> 0:52:45.040
<v Speaker 2>one acting crazy now, because you kind of ah, but

0:52:45.400 --> 0:52:47.640
<v Speaker 2>they've created that situation. So I think be very very

0:52:47.640 --> 0:52:51.120
<v Speaker 2>mindful to not deliver the sort of conflict and not

0:52:51.160 --> 0:52:53.120
<v Speaker 2>deliver the sort of argument that they're looking for.

0:52:53.640 --> 0:52:56.120
<v Speaker 1>Something they suggest that you can do in terms of that,

0:52:56.480 --> 0:53:00.240
<v Speaker 1>in terms of really nailing down the moment you're saying,

0:53:00.440 --> 0:53:04.200
<v Speaker 1>am I crazy? Is to sort truth from distortion. So

0:53:04.760 --> 0:53:07.440
<v Speaker 1>after you've had a conversation or a situation like this,

0:53:07.960 --> 0:53:12.759
<v Speaker 1>immediately after, right down in a journal what happened to

0:53:12.800 --> 0:53:15.560
<v Speaker 1>the point of the dialogue. Flow, write down what he said,

0:53:15.680 --> 0:53:18.680
<v Speaker 1>write down what you've said, and then write down your feelings.

0:53:18.760 --> 0:53:22.439
<v Speaker 1>That way you can track, you can pinpoint where your

0:53:22.480 --> 0:53:26.560
<v Speaker 1>partner starts to go from reality into gas lighting into making.

0:53:26.640 --> 0:53:29.319
<v Speaker 1>You can see the switch, and that way. It's so

0:53:29.520 --> 0:53:32.520
<v Speaker 1>common for women and men. But it's so common to

0:53:32.560 --> 0:53:34.279
<v Speaker 1>have a fight, have an argument and you are so

0:53:34.480 --> 0:53:37.680
<v Speaker 1>upset and you you know you deserve better. But a

0:53:37.680 --> 0:53:40.239
<v Speaker 1>week later, two weeks later, it's forgotten because you're back

0:53:40.239 --> 0:53:40.800
<v Speaker 1>in love.

0:53:40.760 --> 0:53:43.000
<v Speaker 2>And you forget facts like you forget details, like you

0:53:43.080 --> 0:53:45.120
<v Speaker 2>might be like, well, on Tuesday you said this, and

0:53:45.160 --> 0:53:47.240
<v Speaker 2>it's like, fuck, I can't remember it was Tuesday or Wednesday,

0:53:47.239 --> 0:53:47.640
<v Speaker 2>Like I don't.

0:53:47.800 --> 0:53:48.640
<v Speaker 1>I don't keep a.

0:53:48.600 --> 0:53:51.359
<v Speaker 2>Mental analt I'm not keeping tabs on everything that you've done.

0:53:51.360 --> 0:53:54.160
<v Speaker 2>I just know that this week, these several things have happened.

0:53:54.160 --> 0:53:56.000
<v Speaker 2>That's upset me. I don't know the time, date, and

0:53:56.040 --> 0:53:58.359
<v Speaker 2>place of all of them, so stop trying to trip

0:53:58.400 --> 0:53:59.440
<v Speaker 2>me up on details.

0:53:59.600 --> 0:54:02.040
<v Speaker 1>Well, that way, you've got the facts. You've got the facts,

0:54:02.200 --> 0:54:04.480
<v Speaker 1>you can see where it strays from reality, and you

0:54:04.520 --> 0:54:08.000
<v Speaker 1>can go back and remember and reread how you felt

0:54:08.000 --> 0:54:10.880
<v Speaker 1>in that situation and just how far from the truth

0:54:11.200 --> 0:54:13.920
<v Speaker 1>your partner strayed, how he made you feel.

0:54:14.360 --> 0:54:17.440
<v Speaker 2>This is such an important tool for your own sanity

0:54:17.560 --> 0:54:19.359
<v Speaker 2>to keep a journal of these sorts of things if

0:54:19.360 --> 0:54:21.719
<v Speaker 2>you are in a very, very toxic place. But I

0:54:21.880 --> 0:54:24.040
<v Speaker 2>do also think that if you're at a point where

0:54:24.040 --> 0:54:26.319
<v Speaker 2>you need to keep a journal of your arguments with

0:54:26.360 --> 0:54:29.279
<v Speaker 2>your partner, then you have some pretty big questions that

0:54:29.320 --> 0:54:32.040
<v Speaker 2>you need to ask yourself, because that's a really dark

0:54:32.120 --> 0:54:35.080
<v Speaker 2>place to be at. I don't think that anyone should

0:54:35.080 --> 0:54:37.719
<v Speaker 2>ever be at a point in their relationship where they

0:54:37.800 --> 0:54:41.399
<v Speaker 2>need to journal or write down the fights that they're

0:54:41.440 --> 0:54:43.720
<v Speaker 2>having to be able to say, well, this is what happened,

0:54:43.719 --> 0:54:45.560
<v Speaker 2>and this is what you said. I think that that

0:54:45.960 --> 0:54:49.719
<v Speaker 2>in itself is such a huge indication that your relationship

0:54:49.840 --> 0:54:54.000
<v Speaker 2>is so far gone past the point of repair that

0:54:54.080 --> 0:54:57.800
<v Speaker 2>you need to start making some choices for yourself and everything.

0:54:58.040 --> 0:54:59.600
<v Speaker 2>I'm so with you on this brick because everything that

0:54:59.600 --> 0:55:01.760
<v Speaker 2>I read with it's like the best way of dealing

0:55:01.800 --> 0:55:03.920
<v Speaker 2>with of someone who's gas letting you is to keep

0:55:03.920 --> 0:55:06.040
<v Speaker 2>a journal and to keep information and to be able

0:55:06.080 --> 0:55:08.920
<v Speaker 2>to kind of like time stamp this sort of conversation.

0:55:09.320 --> 0:55:11.879
<v Speaker 2>But that just to me, I'm like, if you need

0:55:11.920 --> 0:55:14.720
<v Speaker 2>to do that, then you need to leave for sure.

0:55:14.840 --> 0:55:16.799
<v Speaker 1>But the thing is, it's easy for us to say

0:55:16.800 --> 0:55:18.360
<v Speaker 1>that now we've both been in it, and we know

0:55:18.400 --> 0:55:20.960
<v Speaker 1>it's not that easy about saying leave. So that's why

0:55:21.000 --> 0:55:23.640
<v Speaker 1>we're actually telling you steps and giving you a process.

0:55:24.239 --> 0:55:27.680
<v Speaker 1>And the next step in figuring this out is engaging

0:55:27.719 --> 0:55:31.080
<v Speaker 1>in some mental exercises. And it's literally to shift your

0:55:31.120 --> 0:55:34.359
<v Speaker 1>mindset because you're in this controlling relationship and this life

0:55:34.400 --> 0:55:36.880
<v Speaker 1>where you can't imagine your life without this person. So

0:55:36.920 --> 0:55:39.759
<v Speaker 1>they suggest that to shift your mindset, you start to

0:55:39.800 --> 0:55:42.399
<v Speaker 1>do these exercises where you just start to visualize your

0:55:42.480 --> 0:55:46.000
<v Speaker 1>life without your partner, visualize it on your own. What

0:55:46.040 --> 0:55:48.960
<v Speaker 1>would you be doing differently, What could you be doing differently,

0:55:49.000 --> 0:55:51.719
<v Speaker 1>what opportunities would come to you, and just start to

0:55:51.840 --> 0:55:54.800
<v Speaker 1>think about your life without the other person, because chances

0:55:54.800 --> 0:55:58.440
<v Speaker 1>are if you're in this relationship you have been codependent

0:55:58.600 --> 0:56:00.840
<v Speaker 1>for a very long time. I felt like you can't

0:56:00.880 --> 0:56:03.200
<v Speaker 1>make those decisions on your own. You don't know what

0:56:03.239 --> 0:56:05.319
<v Speaker 1>you would do on your own. So that is a

0:56:05.520 --> 0:56:09.759
<v Speaker 1>huge as for me. Someone that's super into meditation. Your

0:56:09.840 --> 0:56:12.920
<v Speaker 1>mindset can change your whole path and the journey that

0:56:12.960 --> 0:56:16.120
<v Speaker 1>you're on. So to start being and think about it positively.

0:56:16.160 --> 0:56:18.200
<v Speaker 1>Don't think I'm on my own. I'm gonna be lonely.

0:56:18.239 --> 0:56:19.920
<v Speaker 1>I don't know where to go, I'll have no one,

0:56:19.920 --> 0:56:22.200
<v Speaker 1>I'll have nothing to do. You have to think of

0:56:22.200 --> 0:56:24.400
<v Speaker 1>it in a positive light. I'm gonna have all this

0:56:24.520 --> 0:56:26.880
<v Speaker 1>time to start these new hobbies. I can finally go

0:56:27.040 --> 0:56:28.919
<v Speaker 1>and travel to this country because if he never wanted

0:56:28.960 --> 0:56:29.399
<v Speaker 1>to go there.

0:56:29.520 --> 0:56:33.000
<v Speaker 2>I can finally find somebody at some point who treats

0:56:33.040 --> 0:56:35.120
<v Speaker 2>me with love and respect, who I don't feel is

0:56:35.200 --> 0:56:38.719
<v Speaker 2>crazy with every single second of every single day, just

0:56:38.719 --> 0:56:42.400
<v Speaker 2>like on this whole idea of like meditating and projecting

0:56:42.440 --> 0:56:44.319
<v Speaker 2>a life of like what you could have if you

0:56:44.360 --> 0:56:48.040
<v Speaker 2>weren't with somebody who makes you feel crazy all the time. Yes,

0:56:48.320 --> 0:56:50.680
<v Speaker 2>I understand, and I've been there, like, trust me, I've

0:56:50.680 --> 0:56:53.520
<v Speaker 2>been so deep in the trenches in this type of

0:56:53.560 --> 0:56:57.000
<v Speaker 2>relationship where I felt like I couldn't imagine my life

0:56:57.000 --> 0:56:59.120
<v Speaker 2>without them, and I couldn't see, like I couldn't see

0:56:59.120 --> 0:57:01.440
<v Speaker 2>the forest of the trees. But what you need to

0:57:01.440 --> 0:57:05.440
<v Speaker 2>ask yourself as well, is you are so unhappy in

0:57:05.440 --> 0:57:08.120
<v Speaker 2>that relationship, Like a relationship where someone gas lads you

0:57:08.320 --> 0:57:11.480
<v Speaker 2>is such an unhappy place to be in. And being

0:57:11.520 --> 0:57:13.839
<v Speaker 2>on your own means that you get to control your

0:57:13.840 --> 0:57:14.680
<v Speaker 2>own happiness.

0:57:15.000 --> 0:57:16.080
<v Speaker 1>So when you're with.

0:57:16.040 --> 0:57:18.360
<v Speaker 2>Someone who treats you badly, when you're in a toxic relationship,

0:57:18.400 --> 0:57:21.120
<v Speaker 2>your happiness is so volatile. It grows up and down,

0:57:21.200 --> 0:57:24.040
<v Speaker 2>up and down, high, so high, and then so low,

0:57:24.240 --> 0:57:26.480
<v Speaker 2>all dependent on that other person and how that other

0:57:26.520 --> 0:57:29.800
<v Speaker 2>person treats you and how that other person makes you feel.

0:57:30.040 --> 0:57:32.440
<v Speaker 2>But when you take control back and you actually start

0:57:32.560 --> 0:57:36.160
<v Speaker 2>living for yourself and making those decisions for yourself, you

0:57:36.200 --> 0:57:39.120
<v Speaker 2>take ownership over your own happiness again, and you no

0:57:39.160 --> 0:57:41.600
<v Speaker 2>longer have those peaks and troughs. You get to decide

0:57:41.600 --> 0:57:44.160
<v Speaker 2>when you're happy. You get to decide what makes you happy,

0:57:44.240 --> 0:57:48.600
<v Speaker 2>and you will honestly start living in this constantness of

0:57:49.240 --> 0:57:52.120
<v Speaker 2>having control in your life, which I think is something

0:57:52.160 --> 0:57:54.920
<v Speaker 2>that when you regain that after being after being out

0:57:54.920 --> 0:57:56.880
<v Speaker 2>of control for so long, it's just like the most

0:57:57.240 --> 0:57:58.440
<v Speaker 2>incredible experience.

0:57:58.760 --> 0:58:00.640
<v Speaker 1>I'm really sat in this one thought about it for

0:58:00.640 --> 0:58:02.440
<v Speaker 1>a long time because I think a lot of people

0:58:02.680 --> 0:58:05.760
<v Speaker 1>will understand this. But when you're having this argument, when

0:58:05.800 --> 0:58:09.600
<v Speaker 1>you're trying to figure out your situation, your relationship, don't

0:58:09.640 --> 0:58:12.080
<v Speaker 1>worry about who's right and who's wrong. Don't be like,

0:58:12.320 --> 0:58:15.080
<v Speaker 1>I'm right, you're he's like I'm right, you're right, You're wrong,

0:58:15.080 --> 0:58:17.040
<v Speaker 1>you're wrong. It's not about who's right and wrong. It's

0:58:17.040 --> 0:58:20.440
<v Speaker 1>about the feelings that you feel in that situation. Maybe

0:58:20.440 --> 0:58:23.080
<v Speaker 1>he is right, but how did you feel in that journey,

0:58:23.120 --> 0:58:25.760
<v Speaker 1>how did you feel in that conversation? Because your feelings

0:58:26.440 --> 0:58:29.040
<v Speaker 1>are far more important than he was right in the conversation,

0:58:29.120 --> 0:58:31.440
<v Speaker 1>And a lot of people really get swept up in that.

0:58:31.960 --> 0:58:34.320
<v Speaker 1>They A woman will walk away to her friends and

0:58:34.480 --> 0:58:39.720
<v Speaker 1>she will almost validate She'll almost validate it by saying, well,

0:58:39.760 --> 0:58:42.960
<v Speaker 1>you know he was right, that's irrelevant. He made you

0:58:43.080 --> 0:58:46.000
<v Speaker 1>feel like absolutely dirt The whole time, and that is

0:58:46.040 --> 0:58:47.680
<v Speaker 1>more important than the fact that he was right.

0:58:48.000 --> 0:58:50.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but also like just with any conflict, like and

0:58:50.680 --> 0:58:53.480
<v Speaker 2>I think that this is this is important with any

0:58:53.720 --> 0:58:57.840
<v Speaker 2>like disagreement in life, Like for example, Matt doesn't have

0:58:57.880 --> 0:58:59.919
<v Speaker 2>to agree with me, like if we're having a fire,

0:59:00.880 --> 0:59:03.120
<v Speaker 2>I don't and I feel a certain way about something.

0:59:03.320 --> 0:59:05.720
<v Speaker 2>He doesn't need to agree that I'm right, like that's

0:59:05.760 --> 0:59:07.400
<v Speaker 2>not what the fight is. But he does need to

0:59:07.480 --> 0:59:10.080
<v Speaker 2>validate that he understands that I feel a certain way

0:59:10.080 --> 0:59:14.040
<v Speaker 2>about something. So maybe I'm wrong, Like maybe I'm totally wrong,

0:59:14.080 --> 0:59:17.160
<v Speaker 2>maybe he does do enough housework right, maybe I am

0:59:17.240 --> 0:59:20.640
<v Speaker 2>being a little bit irrational, But he still needs to say,

0:59:21.000 --> 0:59:23.880
<v Speaker 2>I understand that you're upset, and what can I do

0:59:24.000 --> 0:59:26.160
<v Speaker 2>to help make this better? You still need to validate

0:59:26.200 --> 0:59:28.520
<v Speaker 2>that someone is upset and someone is hurting by completely

0:59:28.520 --> 0:59:32.520
<v Speaker 2>disregarding that, you're disregarding any way for growth, you're disregarding

0:59:32.560 --> 0:59:34.200
<v Speaker 2>any way for the two of you to be able

0:59:34.240 --> 0:59:37.520
<v Speaker 2>to kind of resolve this situation amicably, it becomes about

0:59:37.560 --> 0:59:41.160
<v Speaker 2>exactly what Bridges said, I'm right, you're wrong. I'm big,

0:59:41.240 --> 0:59:44.040
<v Speaker 2>you're small. I have control you don't. And that's not

0:59:44.080 --> 0:59:47.680
<v Speaker 2>what conflict or conversation or arguments should be about.

0:59:48.200 --> 0:59:50.400
<v Speaker 1>When we were sort of looking into this, I did

0:59:50.520 --> 0:59:52.760
<v Speaker 1>learn a new word. I learn a new term, and

0:59:52.760 --> 0:59:55.919
<v Speaker 1>it's like a subcategory of gas lighting, and I wanted

0:59:55.920 --> 0:59:58.360
<v Speaker 1>to highlight it because I had never heard of it before.

0:59:58.920 --> 1:00:00.360
<v Speaker 1>It's called bright side.

1:00:00.880 --> 1:00:02.880
<v Speaker 2>It is something that we spoke about though, So this

1:00:03.040 --> 1:00:07.080
<v Speaker 2>was like very opportunistic in that when we did the

1:00:07.400 --> 1:00:10.760
<v Speaker 2>miscarriage episode a couple of weeks back now, when one

1:00:10.800 --> 1:00:12.800
<v Speaker 2>of the things I spoke about on that episode is

1:00:12.840 --> 1:00:18.960
<v Speaker 2>that people often unintentionally make the situation worse by constantly

1:00:18.960 --> 1:00:21.800
<v Speaker 2>telling you like, oh, like you know, you should be

1:00:21.840 --> 1:00:24.120
<v Speaker 2>positive about the fact that you already have a baby,

1:00:24.240 --> 1:00:27.560
<v Speaker 2>or like lucky it was really early, and there's this

1:00:28.000 --> 1:00:31.000
<v Speaker 2>a little bit of insensitivity that comes with people trying

1:00:31.040 --> 1:00:32.920
<v Speaker 2>to make you feel better about the whole fact that

1:00:32.960 --> 1:00:35.800
<v Speaker 2>you're having a miscarriage. And then Britt was talking about

1:00:35.840 --> 1:00:38.120
<v Speaker 2>this episode and she came across this word, which is

1:00:38.160 --> 1:00:39.200
<v Speaker 2>bright siding.

1:00:39.360 --> 1:00:41.800
<v Speaker 1>And I literally, look on the bright side. That's where

1:00:41.800 --> 1:00:45.040
<v Speaker 1>it has come from, people constantly saying look on the

1:00:45.040 --> 1:00:45.840
<v Speaker 1>bright side.

1:00:46.120 --> 1:00:48.520
<v Speaker 2>And it's another way of gas lighting, I guess, but

1:00:48.560 --> 1:00:52.000
<v Speaker 2>it's definitely not a severe and it comes with good intention,

1:00:52.480 --> 1:00:56.080
<v Speaker 2>but it's the same concept. And what bright siding is

1:00:56.080 --> 1:01:00.000
<v Speaker 2>is that means that somebody is putting their own discomfort

1:01:00.160 --> 1:01:02.280
<v Speaker 2>and having a conversation with you. So, for example, if

1:01:02.320 --> 1:01:05.320
<v Speaker 2>you're telling someone that you've had a miscarriage, they don't

1:01:05.400 --> 1:01:09.000
<v Speaker 2>want to feel uncomfortable in that conversation, and so their

1:01:09.040 --> 1:01:11.520
<v Speaker 2>response to say like, oh, you know, like lucky it

1:01:11.600 --> 1:01:14.760
<v Speaker 2>was early on is an attempt for them to make

1:01:14.800 --> 1:01:17.600
<v Speaker 2>the situation better so that they don't feel uncomfortable, and

1:01:17.640 --> 1:01:20.280
<v Speaker 2>it's not validating the hurt that you feel, because by

1:01:20.360 --> 1:01:22.800
<v Speaker 2>validating the hurt that you feel, there is this error

1:01:22.800 --> 1:01:26.960
<v Speaker 2>of like, oh, it's uncomfortable to deal with someone's grief,

1:01:27.000 --> 1:01:29.680
<v Speaker 2>it's uncomfortable to deal with someone's pain, it's uncomfortable to

1:01:29.680 --> 1:01:33.040
<v Speaker 2>deal with somebody else who feels uncomfortable. So we do,

1:01:33.080 --> 1:01:34.480
<v Speaker 2>and I think a lot of us do this just

1:01:34.640 --> 1:01:37.320
<v Speaker 2>a normal like life and day to day like problems.

1:01:37.160 --> 1:01:40.440
<v Speaker 2>It's like easier to say, oh, you know, the situation

1:01:40.520 --> 1:01:41.880
<v Speaker 2>is not as bad as you're making it out.

1:01:42.000 --> 1:01:47.240
<v Speaker 1>Or it's literally like having someone before s beetter shit sandwich,

1:01:47.440 --> 1:01:50.640
<v Speaker 1>but saying to them you should be appreciating the free lunch. Oh,

1:01:50.680 --> 1:01:53.560
<v Speaker 1>I like that, yeah, let them let them sit in

1:01:53.600 --> 1:01:55.760
<v Speaker 1>the fact that they're eating a shit sandwich. Yeah they're

1:01:55.760 --> 1:02:00.280
<v Speaker 1>getting free food, for sure, they're still shit, but it's shit.

1:02:00.120 --> 1:02:03.760
<v Speaker 1>It so, and it's really hard because somebody like me,

1:02:04.480 --> 1:02:07.200
<v Speaker 1>I'm a very optimistic person and I do want to

1:02:07.200 --> 1:02:09.280
<v Speaker 1>look on the bright side of things as much as possible,

1:02:10.000 --> 1:02:12.000
<v Speaker 1>but I am I like to think I'm pretty careful

1:02:12.040 --> 1:02:14.520
<v Speaker 1>with it, and I can assess the situation and I

1:02:14.560 --> 1:02:16.640
<v Speaker 1>do try to realize that I want to be here

1:02:16.640 --> 1:02:18.600
<v Speaker 1>for you and support you and be positive. But there

1:02:18.640 --> 1:02:21.160
<v Speaker 1>are times where you're like, you know what, this is shit,

1:02:21.320 --> 1:02:23.000
<v Speaker 1>and let's just sit in this for a minute because

1:02:23.000 --> 1:02:25.680
<v Speaker 1>there's nothing we can say. So that I think that

1:02:26.120 --> 1:02:28.640
<v Speaker 1>it's really hard and it's a really fine line, and

1:02:28.840 --> 1:02:30.840
<v Speaker 1>you can't hold it against your friends or anyone in

1:02:30.880 --> 1:02:32.640
<v Speaker 1>your life if they do say these things to you

1:02:32.760 --> 1:02:34.880
<v Speaker 1>or they are bright siding you, because you have to

1:02:34.960 --> 1:02:40.320
<v Speaker 1>know that this isn't a narcissistic or manipulative or malicious

1:02:41.040 --> 1:02:44.280
<v Speaker 1>type of gas lighting. It's an unintentional type of gaslighting.

1:02:44.320 --> 1:02:47.800
<v Speaker 1>But like you said with your miscarriage chat, it doesn't

1:02:47.800 --> 1:02:50.680
<v Speaker 1>help the situation. And sometimes people need to just have

1:02:50.800 --> 1:02:53.120
<v Speaker 1>someone say to them that sucks.

1:02:53.000 --> 1:02:56.280
<v Speaker 2>Bright siding, bright setting, which is like just a tangent

1:02:56.360 --> 1:02:59.360
<v Speaker 2>of gas lighting. It is definitely not as bad as

1:02:59.360 --> 1:03:03.720
<v Speaker 2>gas lighting, and it is not an intentional, malicious evil

1:03:03.880 --> 1:03:05.680
<v Speaker 2>thing that we do like it is. It is so

1:03:05.760 --> 1:03:08.280
<v Speaker 2>far from that. But it's just an interesting thing that like,

1:03:08.440 --> 1:03:10.880
<v Speaker 2>as human behavior, we want to kind of make people

1:03:10.920 --> 1:03:13.360
<v Speaker 2>feel better, but by doing that, sometimes we make people

1:03:13.360 --> 1:03:13.960
<v Speaker 2>feel worse.

1:03:14.400 --> 1:03:16.600
<v Speaker 1>And when Britt brought it up, I was like, Oh

1:03:16.640 --> 1:03:17.520
<v Speaker 1>my god, that is that.

1:03:17.520 --> 1:03:19.840
<v Speaker 2>That's that word. That's that thing that we were talking about.

1:03:19.920 --> 1:03:21.880
<v Speaker 2>And I didn't know that it had a name, but

1:03:21.920 --> 1:03:23.959
<v Speaker 2>now it has a name, just which a gaslight does.

1:03:24.040 --> 1:03:25.440
<v Speaker 1>We didn't know how to label it. We didn't know

1:03:25.440 --> 1:03:25.800
<v Speaker 1>what it was.

1:03:25.880 --> 1:03:28.080
<v Speaker 2>We did, but everything's got to label, guys, and so

1:03:28.840 --> 1:03:34.360
<v Speaker 2>you know, label If you're in a relationship with someone

1:03:34.480 --> 1:03:38.040
<v Speaker 2>and you feel like they're gas lighting you, then you

1:03:38.200 --> 1:03:40.360
<v Speaker 2>need to have conversations around this. You need to make

1:03:40.400 --> 1:03:42.960
<v Speaker 2>some changes in your life because it's such as scary

1:03:43.160 --> 1:03:46.920
<v Speaker 2>and uncomfortable and like belittling place to be and in

1:03:46.960 --> 1:03:49.400
<v Speaker 2>your relationship. Oh my god, girlfriend, you deserve so much

1:03:49.440 --> 1:03:51.880
<v Speaker 2>more than that. And if I think it's more friends,

1:03:51.920 --> 1:03:54.560
<v Speaker 2>probably who brightside? I think it's friends who have good

1:03:54.600 --> 1:03:56.840
<v Speaker 2>intention to try and make you feel better, but I

1:03:56.840 --> 1:04:00.439
<v Speaker 2>do think that sometimes sometimes it's misguided. And it's also

1:04:00.560 --> 1:04:02.640
<v Speaker 2>okay to have a conversation with your friends and say

1:04:02.680 --> 1:04:04.360
<v Speaker 2>that you know you don't need them to make you

1:04:04.400 --> 1:04:07.320
<v Speaker 2>feel better, you just need them to listen. And that's

1:04:07.840 --> 1:04:10.680
<v Speaker 2>an important conversation to have as well. Both different, both

1:04:10.840 --> 1:04:11.680
<v Speaker 2>very important.

1:04:12.120 --> 1:04:15.520
<v Speaker 1>I really really am passionate about this topic and I'm

1:04:15.560 --> 1:04:18.000
<v Speaker 1>so glad that we put this out there and put

1:04:18.000 --> 1:04:20.360
<v Speaker 1>it together, and as somebody that has been through it

1:04:20.400 --> 1:04:24.720
<v Speaker 1>to the extreme and on a more basic level as well,

1:04:25.320 --> 1:04:27.600
<v Speaker 1>I hope that you guys got something from this. And

1:04:27.960 --> 1:04:30.400
<v Speaker 1>I think this is the sort of episode that maybe

1:04:30.480 --> 1:04:32.920
<v Speaker 1>you know a friend or you know someone that is

1:04:32.960 --> 1:04:35.120
<v Speaker 1>in this sort of a toxic situation, but you don't

1:04:35.120 --> 1:04:37.440
<v Speaker 1>know how to approach it. It might be as simple

1:04:37.440 --> 1:04:39.800
<v Speaker 1>as just sending them this episode, tag them in ite,

1:04:39.880 --> 1:04:42.680
<v Speaker 1>say listen to these girls, and then they might sort

1:04:42.720 --> 1:04:45.480
<v Speaker 1>of have some triggers and there might be some things

1:04:45.520 --> 1:04:48.120
<v Speaker 1>that stick out to them during this episode and they'll

1:04:48.160 --> 1:04:49.919
<v Speaker 1>get there on their own, or maybe they can listen

1:04:49.960 --> 1:04:51.400
<v Speaker 1>to it and then you can talk to them as

1:04:51.400 --> 1:04:53.200
<v Speaker 1>a friend. Then you can say once you've listened to it.

1:04:53.360 --> 1:04:54.200
<v Speaker 1>Let's have a chat.

1:04:54.440 --> 1:04:58.120
<v Speaker 2>But here to be that little subtle soothing voice in

1:04:58.160 --> 1:04:58.560
<v Speaker 2>your ear?

1:04:58.800 --> 1:05:00.480
<v Speaker 1>So are we soothing? I don't know. I don't know.

1:05:01.600 --> 1:05:07.320
<v Speaker 1>Is my laugh soothing? Jesus Christ? No, do you know what?

1:05:07.360 --> 1:05:09.160
<v Speaker 1>I almost feel like? You know, when you hang out

1:05:09.200 --> 1:05:12.760
<v Speaker 1>with someone too much, you start to like get their characteristics.

1:05:13.360 --> 1:05:16.280
<v Speaker 1>I feel like you hang around me too, Like I

1:05:16.320 --> 1:05:17.760
<v Speaker 1>think we're hanging around on each other too much that

1:05:17.920 --> 1:05:20.520
<v Speaker 1>I think sometimes your laugh gets a bit magnic life mine, like,

1:05:20.600 --> 1:05:21.960
<v Speaker 1>I'm worried I'm rubbing off on you.

1:05:22.520 --> 1:05:25.840
<v Speaker 2>You're okay, you think that it's you, You're You're the influence.

1:05:26.920 --> 1:05:28.840
<v Speaker 1>Sometimes your laugh gets a bit mannic, and I'm like,

1:05:29.200 --> 1:05:29.840
<v Speaker 1>she's caught it.

1:05:30.000 --> 1:05:31.360
<v Speaker 2>No, I think I've always had a bit of a

1:05:31.400 --> 1:05:33.000
<v Speaker 2>manic laugh, to be honest. I think I just kept

1:05:33.000 --> 1:05:35.320
<v Speaker 2>it under wraps at the start, and I'm like, free

1:05:35.360 --> 1:05:35.880
<v Speaker 2>the beast.

1:05:36.080 --> 1:05:37.160
<v Speaker 1>You want to know something funny?

1:05:37.240 --> 1:05:39.080
<v Speaker 2>When I went on The Bachelor, we finished as that

1:05:39.160 --> 1:05:42.160
<v Speaker 2>is is like, that's us rapping. Oh yeah, gas lighting's over, guys,

1:05:42.200 --> 1:05:45.480
<v Speaker 2>next topic. When I went on the Bachelor, I just

1:05:45.520 --> 1:05:47.920
<v Speaker 2>thought of this now. My family was like, have fun,

1:05:48.200 --> 1:05:49.680
<v Speaker 2>just just be yourself.

1:05:50.440 --> 1:05:53.360
<v Speaker 1>Because you're great, like, you know, be just be kind.

1:05:53.480 --> 1:05:55.480
<v Speaker 1>But if we have any advice for you, it's just

1:05:55.560 --> 1:05:56.959
<v Speaker 1>don't let the laugh out.

1:05:57.080 --> 1:06:01.240
<v Speaker 2>That's what they said, which I I just sort of say, guys,

1:06:01.280 --> 1:06:05.280
<v Speaker 2>like one of the biggest points of like, like the

1:06:05.280 --> 1:06:08.400
<v Speaker 2>most highlighted review that we get is that people are like,

1:06:08.560 --> 1:06:11.880
<v Speaker 2>I fucking love Britney's laugh and I fucking love Britney's life.

1:06:11.920 --> 1:06:13.400
<v Speaker 1>It's out there, you're here for it.

1:06:13.880 --> 1:06:16.360
<v Speaker 2>And also just on that this is like before we

1:06:16.360 --> 1:06:17.960
<v Speaker 2>get into ask gun Card, I just want to throw

1:06:17.960 --> 1:06:20.720
<v Speaker 2>this one out there. We have had so many incredibly

1:06:20.840 --> 1:06:25.400
<v Speaker 2>wonderful reviews lately and I am just like beyond gobsmacked

1:06:25.440 --> 1:06:28.040
<v Speaker 2>and so grateful, and we both like from time to

1:06:28.080 --> 1:06:29.600
<v Speaker 2>time send them to each other because we're like, oh

1:06:29.640 --> 1:06:31.800
<v Speaker 2>my god, you know, here's a bit of a confidence.

1:06:31.400 --> 1:06:31.960
<v Speaker 1>Boost for you.

1:06:32.280 --> 1:06:34.840
<v Speaker 2>But we love making this podcast so much, and we

1:06:34.880 --> 1:06:36.840
<v Speaker 2>love having these chats, and we love putting them out there,

1:06:36.880 --> 1:06:40.080
<v Speaker 2>and it just fills us with so much gratitude that

1:06:40.160 --> 1:06:43.040
<v Speaker 2>we know that this has helped some of you at

1:06:43.040 --> 1:06:45.080
<v Speaker 2>different points in your life, and that's the whole purpose

1:06:45.080 --> 1:06:47.080
<v Speaker 2>of what we're doing this for. If you walk away

1:06:47.120 --> 1:06:49.080
<v Speaker 2>from some of these episodes feeling empowered. If you walk

1:06:49.080 --> 1:06:51.960
<v Speaker 2>away from them feeling supported. That is the whole purpose

1:06:52.000 --> 1:06:53.800
<v Speaker 2>of this. And so for every single person who has

1:06:53.880 --> 1:06:57.360
<v Speaker 2>left a positive review or has reached out like we

1:06:57.440 --> 1:06:59.880
<v Speaker 2>are so humbled and so incredibly grateful for that.

1:07:00.440 --> 1:07:02.120
<v Speaker 1>I think you wanted to put that in there. Thank you,

1:07:02.160 --> 1:07:12.000
<v Speaker 1>thank you, thank you. All Right, guys, so I did

1:07:12.400 --> 1:07:14.000
<v Speaker 1>throw a little stanner in the works and say that

1:07:14.000 --> 1:07:16.200
<v Speaker 1>we were going to do and ask Unkart on today's

1:07:16.240 --> 1:07:19.360
<v Speaker 1>episode to be prepared. Well, I just have to saying,

1:07:19.360 --> 1:07:21.840
<v Speaker 1>though you didn't know we were doing it, you got one. Well,

1:07:22.000 --> 1:07:25.080
<v Speaker 1>I didn't know, but I'm just super prepared. I like this.

1:07:25.480 --> 1:07:26.640
<v Speaker 1>I like a prepared woman.

1:07:26.800 --> 1:07:29.360
<v Speaker 2>So because we you know, obviously we didn't do the

1:07:29.360 --> 1:07:32.320
<v Speaker 2>Tuesday episode, Thursday EP's meant to be asked on cart

1:07:32.320 --> 1:07:35.160
<v Speaker 2>We get so many freaking questions from you guys, and

1:07:35.240 --> 1:07:38.360
<v Speaker 2>we love it. So I don't want to deal with

1:07:38.400 --> 1:07:40.360
<v Speaker 2>the backlog. So We're just going to do one question

1:07:40.440 --> 1:07:42.520
<v Speaker 2>because this is already going to be a super long episode.

1:07:42.560 --> 1:07:45.480
<v Speaker 2>So one question, Britt, come at me.

1:07:45.560 --> 1:07:49.920
<v Speaker 1>Bra I met this guy just before we went into isolation,

1:07:50.120 --> 1:07:53.320
<v Speaker 1>literally three days. As soon as we went into lockdown.

1:07:53.400 --> 1:07:55.520
<v Speaker 1>It was all on. He was all over me. We

1:07:55.520 --> 1:07:57.160
<v Speaker 1>were still seeing each other, so we were sort of

1:07:57.200 --> 1:08:01.640
<v Speaker 1>isolating together and it was absolutely fantastic. In the last week,

1:08:01.840 --> 1:08:04.760
<v Speaker 1>since restrictions have started to lift, he has gone a

1:08:04.800 --> 1:08:07.640
<v Speaker 1>bit colder. I'm not really hearing from him anymore, and

1:08:07.680 --> 1:08:11.080
<v Speaker 1>I think he's pulling back because I soo he's lifting.

1:08:11.840 --> 1:08:14.040
<v Speaker 1>What do I do? How do I approach this? Is

1:08:14.080 --> 1:08:18.519
<v Speaker 1>that a thing? Oh? Girlfriend? Oh, it's such a thing. Oh,

1:08:18.560 --> 1:08:22.000
<v Speaker 1>it's such a thing. And you're not alone. This is okay.

1:08:22.040 --> 1:08:23.200
<v Speaker 2>I feel like there's going to be a lot of

1:08:23.200 --> 1:08:25.160
<v Speaker 2>people who are going to be in this situation and

1:08:25.200 --> 1:08:28.519
<v Speaker 2>it's shit because you've just invested what like seven weeks

1:08:28.560 --> 1:08:30.519
<v Speaker 2>of your life into someone and in a way, like

1:08:30.560 --> 1:08:32.840
<v Speaker 2>I think the thing that we really need to think

1:08:32.840 --> 1:08:37.640
<v Speaker 2>about with this is that it's seven weeks of real intensity,

1:08:37.680 --> 1:08:40.040
<v Speaker 2>because if you have isolated with that person, it's not

1:08:40.120 --> 1:08:42.360
<v Speaker 2>just like, oh, I've been seeing this guy for seven weeks.

1:08:42.840 --> 1:08:45.840
<v Speaker 2>It's like five, six, seven weeks of every single day,

1:08:46.080 --> 1:08:48.960
<v Speaker 2>almost all day, being in each other's space. So that's

1:08:49.120 --> 1:08:51.439
<v Speaker 2>that is like a full baptism of fire. That is

1:08:51.479 --> 1:08:54.280
<v Speaker 2>a pressure cooker of a relationship from the start. It's

1:08:54.560 --> 1:08:57.000
<v Speaker 2>understandable and one of the things I'm sympathizing with is

1:08:57.040 --> 1:09:00.160
<v Speaker 2>that you're probably a lot more emotionally invested than what

1:09:00.200 --> 1:09:02.680
<v Speaker 2>you would be normally if you had just met a

1:09:02.680 --> 1:09:04.679
<v Speaker 2>guy and you casually dated for five weeks.

1:09:04.920 --> 1:09:08.120
<v Speaker 1>Oh. Absolutely, things are so heightened in this environment. I

1:09:08.120 --> 1:09:10.120
<v Speaker 1>feel like it's the Bachelor Mansion all over again.

1:09:10.479 --> 1:09:13.200
<v Speaker 2>It's literally, Yeah, I was like almost engaged after three

1:09:13.200 --> 1:09:15.519
<v Speaker 2>months of knowing a guy, So I yeah, like you

1:09:15.560 --> 1:09:18.360
<v Speaker 2>think you love them after three days, but I did.

1:09:18.680 --> 1:09:21.160
<v Speaker 1>The idea is you are in an environment where if

1:09:21.160 --> 1:09:24.160
<v Speaker 1>you've just started seeing someone and you're locked down, all

1:09:24.200 --> 1:09:26.559
<v Speaker 1>you're thinking about, or you're speaking the only person you're

1:09:26.560 --> 1:09:28.719
<v Speaker 1>speaking to, you're spending all your time with this person.

1:09:29.479 --> 1:09:32.840
<v Speaker 1>But I am going to give you some tough love

1:09:32.880 --> 1:09:35.200
<v Speaker 1>here and say, if he's pulling back now just because

1:09:35.200 --> 1:09:38.479
<v Speaker 1>he's free, A, you're too good for him. B. You

1:09:38.520 --> 1:09:40.840
<v Speaker 1>could always have the conversation with him. But girl, it

1:09:40.920 --> 1:09:44.080
<v Speaker 1>is about to be a froth fest. As soon as

1:09:44.120 --> 1:09:46.320
<v Speaker 1>we are out of here. It is going to be insane.

1:09:46.560 --> 1:09:49.360
<v Speaker 1>The dating the people that are out, everyone's going to

1:09:49.360 --> 1:09:51.240
<v Speaker 1>be wanting to meet new people. So I think you

1:09:51.320 --> 1:09:54.439
<v Speaker 1>don't put too much pressure on it, and see it

1:09:54.680 --> 1:09:57.800
<v Speaker 1>sucks and it's unfortunate, and you don't want to think

1:09:57.840 --> 1:10:00.840
<v Speaker 1>that you were in it, but it sounds like potentially

1:10:00.880 --> 1:10:04.040
<v Speaker 1>you were in a situationship and that ladies and gentlemen

1:10:04.200 --> 1:10:04.599
<v Speaker 1>is a thing.

1:10:05.280 --> 1:10:08.360
<v Speaker 2>I am still dealing deeply with the fact that you

1:10:08.400 --> 1:10:12.280
<v Speaker 2>said froth fest, but I'm gonna overlook that for one second.

1:10:12.400 --> 1:10:16.480
<v Speaker 2>He's actually will be a froth fest. I'm so deeply traumatized.

1:10:17.160 --> 1:10:20.040
<v Speaker 2>But what i want to say is like this, like

1:10:20.080 --> 1:10:21.680
<v Speaker 2>if this is what this guy's done, Like if he

1:10:21.720 --> 1:10:24.000
<v Speaker 2>has just bunkered down with you for for six weeks,

1:10:24.040 --> 1:10:27.000
<v Speaker 2>like that's shit, Like he has treated you badly, and

1:10:27.400 --> 1:10:29.599
<v Speaker 2>that is a really really shit thing to do to someone,

1:10:29.640 --> 1:10:33.840
<v Speaker 2>to use them emotionally and physically, to be able to

1:10:34.320 --> 1:10:36.479
<v Speaker 2>have them as a support person because he didn't want

1:10:36.479 --> 1:10:38.400
<v Speaker 2>to be on his own. Like that is a that

1:10:38.560 --> 1:10:41.400
<v Speaker 2>is all characteristics of a bad, bad guy, and someone

1:10:41.400 --> 1:10:43.880
<v Speaker 2>who doesn't respect you, and someone who doesn't respect your time,

1:10:43.920 --> 1:10:48.200
<v Speaker 2>and someone who doesn't respect your feelings. So I'm like already,

1:10:48.240 --> 1:10:50.920
<v Speaker 2>like if he's pulling back now and actually like not

1:10:51.000 --> 1:10:54.400
<v Speaker 2>giving you the attention and the love and affirmation that

1:10:54.439 --> 1:10:56.760
<v Speaker 2>he was giving you last week, and you really do

1:10:56.880 --> 1:11:00.680
<v Speaker 2>genuinely think it's because the lockdown is lifting, then that

1:11:00.720 --> 1:11:02.599
<v Speaker 2>for me is like red flag, red flag, red flag,

1:11:02.640 --> 1:11:04.920
<v Speaker 2>red flag, but some distance in place, because you were

1:11:04.960 --> 1:11:08.040
<v Speaker 2>not somebody's emotional sounding board. You're not there just to

1:11:08.040 --> 1:11:10.120
<v Speaker 2>make somebody else feel better. And if you really thought

1:11:10.160 --> 1:11:12.080
<v Speaker 2>this was a relationship and something that you'd invested your

1:11:12.080 --> 1:11:15.439
<v Speaker 2>time and you'll love into, then you need to take

1:11:15.479 --> 1:11:17.360
<v Speaker 2>care of yourself now if you're not being treated the

1:11:17.360 --> 1:11:17.960
<v Speaker 2>way you deserve.

1:11:18.520 --> 1:11:20.559
<v Speaker 1>I agree, and I do want to add one thing,

1:11:20.760 --> 1:11:23.839
<v Speaker 1>and it's I guess it's in a way I'm bright siding,

1:11:24.400 --> 1:11:26.919
<v Speaker 1>but I think in a situation like this, it's important

1:11:27.000 --> 1:11:30.720
<v Speaker 1>to not necessarily straight away feel defensive and like he

1:11:30.840 --> 1:11:33.760
<v Speaker 1>used you, but maybe look at it like you were

1:11:33.760 --> 1:11:37.439
<v Speaker 1>both in a really bad situation that the whole world,

1:11:37.560 --> 1:11:39.280
<v Speaker 1>no one expected it, no one you ought to do

1:11:39.360 --> 1:11:41.439
<v Speaker 1>with it, and you probably helped each other through it.

1:11:41.840 --> 1:11:43.679
<v Speaker 1>You found each other at the right time. I'm sure

1:11:43.720 --> 1:11:45.280
<v Speaker 1>he helped you through it a lot. I'm sure he

1:11:45.320 --> 1:11:48.360
<v Speaker 1>made the experience better. And maybe that's just a nicer

1:11:48.400 --> 1:11:50.679
<v Speaker 1>way to look at it. Okay, he's not my penguin.

1:11:51.040 --> 1:11:55.000
<v Speaker 1>It sucks, but I probably wouldn't have had such a

1:11:55.080 --> 1:11:57.680
<v Speaker 1>good time or had the support I needed in this

1:11:57.760 --> 1:11:59.840
<v Speaker 1>time if it wasn't for him, So it's just another

1:11:59.840 --> 1:12:00.880
<v Speaker 1>way to have a look at it.

1:12:00.920 --> 1:12:02.719
<v Speaker 2>No, I don't think that's bright siding, And I actually

1:12:02.720 --> 1:12:04.640
<v Speaker 2>love that, Like I mean, I had I was like,

1:12:04.800 --> 1:12:06.720
<v Speaker 2>the guy's a dickhead. No, but I love that you've

1:12:06.720 --> 1:12:08.479
<v Speaker 2>said that because I think that that's so true. Like,

1:12:08.760 --> 1:12:10.920
<v Speaker 2>you know, you can focus on the negative parts of

1:12:10.960 --> 1:12:13.599
<v Speaker 2>the fact that the relationship hasn't or isn't working out,

1:12:13.920 --> 1:12:15.880
<v Speaker 2>but the relationship may not have worked out anyway. So

1:12:16.160 --> 1:12:18.479
<v Speaker 2>if you've been able to get support and love and

1:12:19.240 --> 1:12:21.840
<v Speaker 2>during a really really stressful and anxious time have someone

1:12:21.920 --> 1:12:23.400
<v Speaker 2>there to come, you know, to be at home with

1:12:23.560 --> 1:12:26.439
<v Speaker 2>and to have fun with, then that's really special in

1:12:26.479 --> 1:12:27.160
<v Speaker 2>and of itself.

1:12:27.240 --> 1:12:27.400
<v Speaker 1>You know.

1:12:27.479 --> 1:12:29.320
<v Speaker 2>Not every relationship that we have in life needs to

1:12:29.360 --> 1:12:30.840
<v Speaker 2>turn into the one.

1:12:31.040 --> 1:12:33.400
<v Speaker 1>No, it just can't. Possibly it's part of the journey.

1:12:33.600 --> 1:12:35.160
<v Speaker 1>He was part of your journey, and he got you

1:12:35.200 --> 1:12:37.080
<v Speaker 1>to where you are. And if that's the case, then

1:12:37.160 --> 1:12:39.479
<v Speaker 1>you can look back at that time fondly. It doesn't

1:12:39.479 --> 1:12:42.080
<v Speaker 1>have to be a really negative memory for you, because

1:12:42.560 --> 1:12:44.760
<v Speaker 1>we're all going to remember Corona for the rest of

1:12:44.760 --> 1:12:45.240
<v Speaker 1>our lives.

1:12:45.520 --> 1:12:47.760
<v Speaker 2>Also maybe you have some really good stories from your

1:12:47.800 --> 1:12:50.720
<v Speaker 2>time in isolation exactly well in your house and more

1:12:50.760 --> 1:12:51.479
<v Speaker 2>stories than I got.

1:13:00.000 --> 1:13:02.599
<v Speaker 1>All right, Laura, you know we never finished an episode,

1:13:02.640 --> 1:13:05.920
<v Speaker 1>and that our suck and our sweet, our highlights, lowlights,

1:13:06.000 --> 1:13:08.960
<v Speaker 1>the best, the worst. What happened to you this week?

1:13:09.240 --> 1:13:11.880
<v Speaker 2>Well, my low light was definitely Marley being sick. Like

1:13:11.960 --> 1:13:15.000
<v Speaker 2>that's a that's a low low low light. It's pretty

1:13:15.040 --> 1:13:16.360
<v Speaker 2>much off. The light is off.

1:13:16.520 --> 1:13:20.800
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's the electricity is cut. Yes, thank you for

1:13:20.920 --> 1:13:23.320
<v Speaker 1>running with my joke. It wasn't even funny in the

1:13:23.320 --> 1:13:25.160
<v Speaker 1>first place. But I'm here for you and I always

1:13:25.160 --> 1:13:26.400
<v Speaker 1>try to make sport.

1:13:27.640 --> 1:13:30.479
<v Speaker 2>So my low light was Marley being sick. My low

1:13:30.560 --> 1:13:33.439
<v Speaker 2>light was also missing the EPP. My other low light

1:13:33.520 --> 1:13:35.320
<v Speaker 2>is that I have to stay up and edit this EPP.

1:13:35.360 --> 1:13:37.200
<v Speaker 2>There's a few low light Laura doesn't know the rules.

1:13:37.200 --> 1:13:38.560
<v Speaker 2>You're only supposed to have one, but I'm going to

1:13:38.600 --> 1:13:39.960
<v Speaker 2>give it to you this week. You deserve it.

1:13:40.000 --> 1:13:44.360
<v Speaker 1>Thank you, thank you soo much. My highlight is oh look,

1:13:44.520 --> 1:13:47.280
<v Speaker 1>my highlight's boring. It's too hot to handle. I really

1:13:47.400 --> 1:13:47.840
<v Speaker 1>enjoyed it.

1:13:48.479 --> 1:13:52.080
<v Speaker 2>Like guys, I'm here for the shit TV watch it.

1:13:52.080 --> 1:13:52.799
<v Speaker 1>It was great.

1:13:53.360 --> 1:13:56.040
<v Speaker 2>If you have five eight hour I can't even know.

1:13:56.080 --> 1:13:58.200
<v Speaker 2>It's like, it's like, who knows how many episodes it is,

1:13:58.280 --> 1:13:58.960
<v Speaker 2>but it's great.

1:13:59.400 --> 1:14:01.599
<v Speaker 1>I think that's my I think it's eight. I'm okay,

1:14:01.640 --> 1:14:03.519
<v Speaker 1>So my second sweite, I'm gonna preempt it. Well.

1:14:03.720 --> 1:14:06.240
<v Speaker 2>Also, Matt has cooked dinner almost every night this week.

1:14:06.240 --> 1:14:09.639
<v Speaker 2>That's also my highlight. He's been an angel mine alone.

1:14:09.640 --> 1:14:10.919
<v Speaker 2>That's amazing. An angel.

1:14:11.160 --> 1:14:12.439
<v Speaker 1>Shout out to Maddie J.

1:14:12.800 --> 1:14:14.640
<v Speaker 2>He's an angel sent from the heavens. All we have

1:14:14.680 --> 1:14:16.320
<v Speaker 2>to do is get angry at them once and then

1:14:16.360 --> 1:14:18.280
<v Speaker 2>they really pull themselves into line.

1:14:20.280 --> 1:14:23.240
<v Speaker 1>Well, I'm going to preempt my suck and swee with. Firstly,

1:14:23.320 --> 1:14:25.760
<v Speaker 1>my suck. Yes, I'm aware we're at different points of

1:14:25.800 --> 1:14:29.599
<v Speaker 1>our life and my suck is ridiculous, but it sucked.

1:14:30.160 --> 1:14:33.439
<v Speaker 1>I shouted myself a coffee machine, like a little at

1:14:33.439 --> 1:14:35.840
<v Speaker 1>home coffee machine, because I thought I'm gonna save heaps

1:14:35.840 --> 1:14:38.160
<v Speaker 1>of money by not buying my coffees out every day.

1:14:38.400 --> 1:14:42.200
<v Speaker 1>Bought this machine. Then I went ham buying the pods

1:14:42.240 --> 1:14:45.200
<v Speaker 1>for it. Must have had like one hundred pods. Because

1:14:45.240 --> 1:14:50.360
<v Speaker 1>you love the environment. They're recyclable, you know, are they? Oh? Sorry,

1:14:51.080 --> 1:14:56.720
<v Speaker 1>continue shouted myself some pods. Went hardcore, went ham got

1:14:56.720 --> 1:14:58.960
<v Speaker 1>probably one hundred pods because I was just gonna use

1:14:59.000 --> 1:15:01.240
<v Speaker 1>them for the rest of my life. I got the

1:15:01.280 --> 1:15:04.479
<v Speaker 1>wrong size pods. They don't fit into my coffee machine,

1:15:04.640 --> 1:15:07.840
<v Speaker 1>don't have my receipt, can't return them. I now have. Well,

1:15:07.840 --> 1:15:10.320
<v Speaker 1>so you really do hate the environment? Hate? Yeare you

1:15:10.360 --> 1:15:13.400
<v Speaker 1>go unintentionally though? Oh that's a real way. So I

1:15:13.400 --> 1:15:15.400
<v Speaker 1>put them up on Bonde loop. I'm just gonna throw

1:15:15.400 --> 1:15:17.639
<v Speaker 1>them out like a don't you get no throw them

1:15:17.680 --> 1:15:18.439
<v Speaker 1>like you get a pod?

1:15:18.560 --> 1:15:20.920
<v Speaker 2>You get a pod like day for maybe I could

1:15:20.920 --> 1:15:24.960
<v Speaker 2>take them. Leta, Now I got an espresso machine. That's

1:15:25.000 --> 1:15:27.840
<v Speaker 2>a shame, okay, fancy pants, We.

1:15:27.720 --> 1:15:31.840
<v Speaker 1>Really went all out. My sweet was actually it was Laura.

1:15:31.920 --> 1:15:35.599
<v Speaker 1>It was you this week. Laura knows me very well,

1:15:35.640 --> 1:15:38.800
<v Speaker 1>and she gave me the gift of cookie dough. She

1:15:38.880 --> 1:15:41.840
<v Speaker 1>gave me a log of Bennett Street cookie dough. She

1:15:41.960 --> 1:15:44.479
<v Speaker 1>knows how much I love it. And it was as

1:15:44.520 --> 1:15:46.599
<v Speaker 1>simple as that. It was just a little deed that

1:15:46.680 --> 1:15:47.360
<v Speaker 1>made my week.

1:15:47.479 --> 1:15:50.240
<v Speaker 2>Brittany is a very very easy person to please, so

1:15:50.360 --> 1:15:53.040
<v Speaker 2>long as it is calorie dense and full of sugar.

1:15:53.360 --> 1:15:56.400
<v Speaker 1>She is the happiest woman on this planet. I'm here

1:15:56.439 --> 1:15:56.800
<v Speaker 1>for it.

1:15:57.080 --> 1:15:59.759
<v Speaker 2>Guys, thank you so much for listening to another episode.

1:15:59.800 --> 1:16:01.360
<v Speaker 2>And like I know we've already said it, but I'm

1:16:01.360 --> 1:16:03.920
<v Speaker 2>so sorry that we couldn't get Tuesday to you. We

1:16:04.120 --> 1:16:07.920
<v Speaker 2>really do try and be so like consistent and disciplined

1:16:08.200 --> 1:16:10.519
<v Speaker 2>with getting this out, but you know what, sometimes life

1:16:10.640 --> 1:16:12.440
<v Speaker 2>just throws your curveball.

1:16:12.880 --> 1:16:17.760
<v Speaker 1>Some may say sometimes life is uncut. Who would say that, Brittany, Well,

1:16:17.800 --> 1:16:22.800
<v Speaker 1>we would No, Guys, we appreciate, we appreciate you there.

1:16:22.840 --> 1:16:25.160
<v Speaker 1>We appreciate your support and your love and the fact

1:16:25.200 --> 1:16:27.599
<v Speaker 1>that you keep coming back. And guys, if you haven't

1:16:27.640 --> 1:16:30.200
<v Speaker 1>signed up for our Facebook page, we have a really beautiful,

1:16:30.280 --> 1:16:34.240
<v Speaker 1>supportive and hilarious little community going on at Life Uncut Podcast.

1:16:34.479 --> 1:16:37.840
<v Speaker 1>Jump on Facebook, falls on Instagram, hit five stars, leave review,

1:16:37.960 --> 1:16:39.840
<v Speaker 1>tell your dog, tell you Mom, tell you Nan, and

1:16:39.880 --> 1:16:42.719
<v Speaker 1>share the love because we love live.

1:17:01.160 --> 1:17:06.960
<v Speaker 3>The Kabata were by kakabaaaa