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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, she said, Mommy, I just love learning at home.

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Speaker 2: And I said to her, how come? And she said,

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Speaker 2: anytime I get to be with you as a good day,

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Speaker 2: it's just a melt your heart moment.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: Normally I'm really happy on a Friday. Normally I'm so excited.

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Speaker 3: But lockdowns continue with realistically for Sydney and Brisbane, no

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Speaker 3: end in sight. If you're in the Sydney area, we

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Speaker 3: are with you. We haven't been doing it as long

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Speaker 3: as you, but we're based in Brisbane, Kylie and I

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Speaker 3: and we are with you. By the way, I'm justin

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Speaker 3: I'm here with Kylie. We're the parents of six kids.

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Speaker 3: I'm the founder of Happy Families dot com. Do you

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Speaker 3: I've got a PhD in psychology and I help people

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Speaker 3: to be happy.

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Speaker 4: But how's that going for you today?

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Speaker 5: Wow?

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Speaker 3: I'm really having to draw on the stuff that I've

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Speaker 3: learned and apply it to my own life. And I

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Speaker 3: have to be honest. The last couple of days, I mean,

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Speaker 3: we're only a week into this lockdown but it's been

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Speaker 3: really challenging. It's actually been pretty tough. Can I go

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Speaker 3: on like a twenty second rant?

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Speaker 5: Though?

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Speaker 3: What I'm frustrated by is just the lack of control,

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Speaker 3: and I think this is a central.

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Speaker 5: Issue that we're facing.

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Speaker 3: I did an ABC radio interview just the other day

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Speaker 3: about how to help kids to get through this, especially

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Speaker 3: the year twelve students who are now worried about what's

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Speaker 3: going to happen with so hard I didn't hear twelve

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Speaker 3: exams are not too far away, and there's the slow one.

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Speaker 4: Effect for this. I think it will manifest for years

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Speaker 4: our kids.

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Speaker 5: I reckon it probably can. It doesn't have to.

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Speaker 3: But just the issue of control, that's actually what's gotten

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Speaker 3: under my crawl more than anything. And as somebody who

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Speaker 3: gets paid to bring large audiences together, there's been a

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Speaker 3: bit of stress around the financial side of things as well.

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Speaker 3: I'm not going to it's not a pity party, but

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Speaker 3: let's be honest, nobody's going to hire me to give

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Speaker 3: a talk in a room full of two or three

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Speaker 3: hundred people right now.

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Speaker 5: It can't happen.

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Speaker 3: So there's the lack of control that everybody feels when

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Speaker 3: the government makes a decision and we just kind of

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Speaker 3: have to go along with it. And I'm not saying

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Speaker 3: it's a good or bad thing, it's just that's.

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Speaker 5: What it is. It's a really, really tough time. And

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Speaker 5: then there's the kids.

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Speaker 2: Well, you know, it's interesting you're talking about this feeling

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Speaker 2: of lack of control. I think that our seven year

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Speaker 2: old feels like she's got absolute control over her destiny

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Speaker 2: right now.

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Speaker 4: She is loving homeschooling.

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Speaker 3: Well, we can't call it homeschooling. It's learning at home

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Speaker 3: because anyone who's a teacher is going to say you're

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Speaker 3: not homeschooling. Anyone who homeschools their kids is going to

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Speaker 3: say you're not homeschooling.

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Speaker 5: So sure, she's.

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Speaker 4: Learning at home, learning at home.

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Speaker 2: And it was so cute yesterday while we were making

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Speaker 2: some playdoughs, she decided she wanted green, and she wanted

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Speaker 2: to put some essential oils in it, all of these

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Speaker 2: things that she doesn't get to.

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Speaker 4: Choose at school.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, And when I said to her, she said, Mummy,

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Speaker 2: I just love learning at home. And I said to her,

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Speaker 2: how come? And she said, any time I get to

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Speaker 2: be with you was a good day.

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Speaker 4: It was just a melt your heart moment.

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Speaker 5: Oh hashtag mum dolls. Oh wow, but I.

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Speaker 2: Was so grateful again for her articulateness. She has this

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Speaker 2: ability to just say she has this.

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Speaker 5: I love that you said another one articulate and is

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Speaker 5: in a word, and then you've stumbled over the next sentence.

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Speaker 5: That's so perfect, oh covid.

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Speaker 2: Honestly, this lockdown's doing more messed with my head.

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Speaker 5: So Emily's loving.

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Speaker 2: She's loving it. The big kids are struggling this time

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Speaker 2: round with motivation. We've got completely capable, independent learners and

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Speaker 2: they are really you know, happy to do their own things.

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Speaker 2: But they're finding this time round just a lack of motivation.

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Speaker 5: It's hard.

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Speaker 3: Not that I've been trying to get on a Netflix myself,

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Speaker 3: but I have heard a few complaints from other people

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Speaker 3: who are like, how many Netflix licenses have we got?

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Speaker 3: Because every time I get on, I'm kicking someone off

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Speaker 3: or I get blocked because and it's like we've only

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Speaker 3: got two and nobody should be on because you're supposed

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Speaker 3: to be doing your school work. Doesn't seem to be

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Speaker 3: going very well. Actually, maybe maybe we can share our

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Speaker 3: old do better tomorrows. I'll go with mine because it

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Speaker 3: kind of fits the theme of where we are right

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Speaker 3: now this week, with my ups and downs and my

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Speaker 3: just trying to get my head into the game given

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Speaker 3: what we're facing. I kind of have you noticed that

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Speaker 3: when you're feeling a little bit stressed and out of

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Speaker 3: control in one area, that you kind of clamp down

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Speaker 3: with stuff that you can control in other areas. So

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Speaker 3: I'm frustrated in the office, and so I walk into

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Speaker 3: the house and it's like, and now the kids aren't

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Speaker 3: doing what they should be doing.

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Speaker 5: So I'm going to control them because at least I

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Speaker 5: can take care of that.

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Speaker 3: And I don't think that I've really kicked any dad

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Speaker 3: goals particularly effectively this week and a couple of days ago,

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Speaker 3: I was pretty fed up. The kids were watching I

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Speaker 3: think they were probably up to about our six of television.

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Speaker 4: It wasn't that bad.

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Speaker 3: Oh maybe it was our seven. I don't know, but

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Speaker 3: it felt like they've watched a lot of TV. They've

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Speaker 3: been on screens NonStop. And I know, we say relax

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Speaker 3: the rules, and I totally get it, and yet I

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Speaker 3: was just really struggling to implement it in my own home.

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Speaker 3: And I kind of was like, enough's enough, Like you guys,

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Speaker 3: you know what's expected.

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Speaker 5: There's all this stuff.

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Speaker 3: You've got to practice your instruments, you need to move

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Speaker 3: your bodies, you need to have conversations with real people, Like,

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Speaker 3: there's stuff that you've got to do.

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Speaker 4: And how did that go for you?

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Speaker 3: Well, children just sort of looked at me a little

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Speaker 3: bit stunned, and nothing changed, and you got cranky with me.

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Speaker 3: And I stormed back to the office and thought, I'm

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Speaker 3: going to watch some Instagram reels. But then something happened

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Speaker 3: yesterday morning, about twenty four to forty eight hours after

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Speaker 3: the blow up that I'd had. And let's be honest,

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Speaker 3: it wasn't excessive or over the top. I just expressed

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Speaker 3: some annoyance and frustration with the kids. But our eleven

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Speaker 3: year old Lily walked up to me and said, hey, Dad,

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Speaker 3: check this out, and she gave me her routine, her

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Speaker 3: schedule for the day. And in that routine, she's got

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Speaker 3: an hour of schoolwork followed by half an hour of Netflix,

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Speaker 3: followed by another hour of schoolwork, followed by a half

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Speaker 3: an hour of physical activity, followed by lunch followed by Net.

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Speaker 5: Like she's mapped out her day and she's put everything

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Speaker 5: into the day.

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Speaker 3: The music practice and the physical activity, all the stuff

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Speaker 3: that matters. She's actually put into her schedule so that

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Speaker 3: she can show us that when she's on a screen,

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Speaker 3: it's okay because she's going to do the other stuff

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Speaker 3: and watching her to implement it since.

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Speaker 5: Then like she's nailed it, and AH, just feel so good.

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Speaker 3: And it reminded me the value of routine and just

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Speaker 3: making sure the kids have got those expectations. And I'm

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Speaker 3: just feeling like I got it wrong when we express

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Speaker 3: our frustration, if we can do it the right way,

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Speaker 3: in the right place, the right time, for the right person,

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Speaker 3: for the right reasons, we can actually turn that frustration

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Speaker 3: into some positive outcomes. And in this case, I'm just

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Speaker 3: I'm not sure if I've done bad or done well,

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Speaker 3: but I'm really proud of her for responding the way

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Speaker 3: that she has well.

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Speaker 2: I think there's a couple of take homes there, and

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Speaker 2: one of them is there's so much that you can't control,

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Speaker 2: but giving your children the opportunity to control the things

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Speaker 2: that they can control makes such a difference. And routine

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Speaker 2: is so important. The routines at the moment are completely

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Speaker 2: out the window from the norm, and so what is

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Speaker 2: our new routine and how do we kind of let

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Speaker 2: them have autonomy around that.

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Speaker 3: And for people who aren't in a lockdown situation, the

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Speaker 3: same principle still applies. The kids have still got their

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Speaker 3: morning routine or their afternoon routine. Stuff still to happen.

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Speaker 3: And while I probably could have expressed myself better, the

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Speaker 3: outcome has been fantastic. So my I'll do better tomorrow

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Speaker 3: is I'm going to sit down with the other kids

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Speaker 3: and say, hey, look what lily bit, what are you

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Speaker 3: going to do? Let's see the routine. Let's make this happen.

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Speaker 3: Because when they follow the routine, when there's a routine

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Speaker 3: that they can walk through, it actually takes the pressure

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Speaker 3: off everybody because they know that the necessary boxes are

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Speaker 3: being ticked and it's going to build well being rather

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Speaker 3: than reduce it, which is what lockdowns do for so

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Speaker 3: many people.

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm a little bit nervous about sharing mine, but heart,

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Speaker 2: we'll do that after the break.

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Speaker 5: We will.

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because

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Speaker 2: a happy family doesn't just happen.

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Speaker 4: Details at happy families dot com dot au. It's the

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Speaker 4: Happy Family's podcast.

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Speaker 2: The podcast for the time poor parent who just wants

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Speaker 2: answers now and today we are sharing our reflections.

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Speaker 4: Of the week that was.

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Speaker 3: I'll do better Tomorrow is where we talk about what

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Speaker 3: went will what we learned, how we can be better

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Speaker 3: parents moving forward. It's all about getting the intention right

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Speaker 3: so that we can make our families flourish.

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Speaker 5: How did you go well?

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Speaker 4: Last week?

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Speaker 2: I admitted that I had read our daughters oh diary.

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Speaker 5: Yes, we're going to go there.

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Speaker 2: Yes, we preempted that there might be a bit of

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Speaker 2: a flow on effect from that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So we put it on Facebook and we said, hey,

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Speaker 3: what do you think is it ever okay to read

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Speaker 3: your kid's diary their journal? And it's fair to say

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Speaker 3: that most people said you did the wrong.

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Speaker 2: Thing absolutely, hands down, almost one hundred percent.

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Speaker 4: It's never okay. So what was interesting?

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Speaker 5: Wrong?

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Speaker 2: Opinions, very very very strong opinions. I was grateful that

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Speaker 2: everybody was just content in their opinion. There was there

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Speaker 2: was no backlash, there was no.

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Speaker 5: Well I did say be nice to kay, you did?

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Speaker 5: We don't want to.

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Speaker 2: I was just really grateful, you know, And this is

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Speaker 2: how we should be able to use social media. We

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Speaker 2: should be able to share our opinions and have strong

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Speaker 2: opinions without it actually being negatively impacted in other people's lives.

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Speaker 2: So I was really grateful that everybody that shared was

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Speaker 2: able to share very very strong opinions, and they did

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Speaker 2: for their case, but they did it in a respectful way,

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Speaker 2: and that was just It was really nice for.

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Speaker 5: What it's worth.

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Speaker 3: I actually disagree with the majority opinion, and I think

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Speaker 3: that what you did was fine, but I didn't say

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Speaker 3: that last week. I just wanted you to share your story.

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Speaker 3: But I reckon there at times where parents probably should

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Speaker 3: be a little bit snoopy. I don't think that we

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Speaker 3: should be making a habit of it, and you certainly

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Speaker 3: weren't doing that, but I think that there's an argument

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Speaker 3: for it anyway.

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Speaker 2: One of the things that really stood out to me

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Speaker 2: was there was consistently throughout the message was have open

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Speaker 2: relationships with your children and they won't feel like they

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Speaker 2: have to hide things from you. And I just totally disagree,

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Speaker 2: totally disagree with that, because we have beautiful relationships with

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Speaker 2: our children, all of them, and you and I have

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Speaker 2: a beautiful relationship as well. But there are some things

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Speaker 2: that I write in my journal that I just I

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Speaker 2: can't articulate in words like it's only in the fact

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Speaker 2: that I'm able to write it on a page that

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Speaker 2: I can actually bring it out of my head.

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Speaker 5: You're doubling down.

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Speaker 4: So last week, after the story aired, I had this

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Speaker 4: desire to talk with our daughter and I confessed.

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Speaker 2: I told her what I'd done, and as anyone would respond,

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Speaker 2: she wasn't actually sure how she felt about it. And

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Speaker 2: I taught her about the circumstances of how I had

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Speaker 2: asked her to put away her journal and she hadn't,

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Speaker 2: and that it was sitting there, and that I was

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Speaker 2: a little bit curious, and so I picked it up,

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Speaker 2: and as I was putting it away, I started looking

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Speaker 2: through and she kind of looked at me with this

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Speaker 2: kind of coy smile like, and I said, and the

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Speaker 2: reason I'm telling.

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Speaker 4: You this is twofold.

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Speaker 2: Firstly, Mummy and Daddy talked about the fact that I

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Speaker 2: did this on the podcast today, and I'm a little

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Speaker 2: I don't ever want you to find out stuff after

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Speaker 2: the fact on the podcast.

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Speaker 4: I want you to know that you know that I'm here.

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Speaker 5: So it was really just self protection. No, it wasn't.

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Speaker 4: It was an acknowledgment that after i'd done it.

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Speaker 2: It was like, I want to talk to you about this,

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Speaker 2: because this isn't normal behavior.

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Speaker 4: I don't go snooping, I didn't go looking for.

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Speaker 2: It, and so and so we talked about it a

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Speaker 2: little bit, and at the end of it, what blew me.

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Speaker 4: Away this gorgeous little kid. She thought I had read

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Speaker 4: her journal to the.

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Speaker 5: World on the podcast.

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Speaker 2: She thought I had shared her journal on the podcast.

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Speaker 2: Once she knew that I hadn't shared it on the podcast,

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Speaker 2: she was like, oh, she said, I'm so glad you

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Speaker 2: didn't read the other one. I was like, but what's

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Speaker 2: so curious about that is that when she said that,

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Speaker 2: obviously she's eleven, She's got so many exciting things going

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Speaker 2: on in her world, and they're really big for her.

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Speaker 2: I'm not interested in reading her journal to find out

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Speaker 2: what it is. She doesn't want me to know. I

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Speaker 2: already know because I've heard her and her cousin's talking.

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Speaker 2: It's all about boys that they like in their classes.

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Speaker 2: But what I loved about the situation was the acknowledgment

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Speaker 2: that I could share with her what I had done firstly,

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Speaker 2: and secondly also acknowledged to her that it's not something

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Speaker 2: that I would normally do that. Her journal is a

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Speaker 2: sacred space and it's not something that I go looking for.

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Speaker 2: But if she ever wants to talk to me, she can,

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Speaker 2: and she just enveloped me. She was so grateful that

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Speaker 2: we were able to have the conversation, that I could

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Speaker 2: talk to her about the things that I had read,

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Speaker 2: and how grateful I was for it. But just like

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Speaker 2: I said last week, even if it had been bad,

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Speaker 2: it would have given me an opportunity to look at

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Speaker 2: her in a new way and work out how I

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Speaker 2: could connect with her differently. And so as I read

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Speaker 2: through all of the comments, there was a handful that

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Speaker 2: I just thought were amazing, different to everything else that

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Speaker 2: had been read. Iman on Facebook on Facebook, Yeah, one

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Speaker 2: mom said, She said. The mother of one of the

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Speaker 2: Columbine shooters advised she wished with all her heart she

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Speaker 2: had read her son's journal. She felt it may have

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Speaker 2: allowed her to stop the massacre. I would have said

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Speaker 2: absolutely no until I read her book. It's not always

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Speaker 2: possible to tell if a child is having mental health problems. Well,

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Speaker 2: this is an extreme case, but the acknowledgment that if

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Speaker 2: we've got good relationships with our kids, then they'll be

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Speaker 2: able to tell us everything just doesn't fit the bill

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Speaker 2: here at all. There's an acknowledgement that our kids often

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Speaker 2: don't know what to do with their things or why

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Speaker 2: they're feeling what they're feeling, and when they can't articulate it,

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Speaker 2: then there has to be a way for us to

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Speaker 2: be able to find some common ground, some place where

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Speaker 2: we can come together and talk about things. The other

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Speaker 2: one that really just jumped out at me, she said,

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Speaker 2: I think it depends on the context. Now, I kind

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Speaker 2: of wish that I had a journal for my parents

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Speaker 2: to sneakily read. As a teenager, I was self harming

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Speaker 2: and I was too scared of seeing myself as insane

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Speaker 2: to say the words out loud, so there was no

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Speaker 2: way I'd talk to my parents. I ended up just

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Speaker 2: working through it on my own with time. I think

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Speaker 2: in certain circumstances it can be a safe option, but

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Speaker 2: should only be done if there are significant concerns. But

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Speaker 2: the last one that really really out to me, she

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Speaker 2: just said, this is difficult, and I'm going to go

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Speaker 2: against the crowd and be neutral. Privacy and respect versus

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Speaker 2: safety and understanding. People can go on about your children

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Speaker 2: trusting you, and that is vital, but teens carry burdens

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Speaker 2: that they don't want and need but feel they can't share,

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Speaker 2: shame or consequences, etc. Parents who love unconditionally understand the

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Speaker 2: reason behind the secretcy, but hold the safety of their

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Speaker 2: children seriously. I personally would like to think my child

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Speaker 2: would come to me about anything, but if they are

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Speaker 2: struggling in their daily lives and they can't find the

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Speaker 2: words they want and need to tell me, I will

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Speaker 2: break the privacy zone. If for a moment we can

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Speaker 2: be real, we can wish suicide and even heavy clouds

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Speaker 2: of horrible things don't have a place in our children's lives,

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Speaker 2: but they can. And she just goes on to say that,

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Speaker 2: you know, the relationship is so important and the safety

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Speaker 2: of our children is mostly important. So these people were

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Speaker 2: dealing with some pretty heavy scenarios here. This was not

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Speaker 2: the case that with our daughter. I wasn't snooping, I

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Speaker 2: hadn't gone looking for it. It was out and about

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Speaker 2: and it was her gratitude your journal, which is a

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Speaker 2: very different scenario.

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Speaker 4: But I was just really.

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Speaker 2: Grateful that there were people who were comfortable enough to

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Speaker 2: go against the grain, because it's very easy for us

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Speaker 2: to sit in our safe seats and say no, I

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Speaker 2: would never when we haven't been placed in a situation

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Speaker 2: where we just might want to or need to.

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Speaker 5: Well, I have a confession to make.

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Speaker 4: What is your confession?

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Speaker 5: Your journal kept me captivated?

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Speaker 3: Oh, I'm just kidding.

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Speaker 5: I haven't read it, but I know you keep one

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Speaker 5: and one day I will. You're probably it.

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Speaker 4: Only talks about how much I love you.

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Speaker 5: Ah, You're so good. The take home message is that

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Speaker 5: it's tricky and.

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Speaker 3: Sometimes when you really need to know what's going on

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Speaker 3: and they're not telling you, you will seek information from

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Speaker 3: whatever source you can. But for the most part, we

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Speaker 3: want to have that trusting relationship where we can talk

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Speaker 3: to our kids about anything and hopefully they'll talk to us.

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Speaker 5: Well.

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Speaker 3: We really hope you enjoyed the podcast. Our time is up.

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Speaker 3: Good luck if you are in lockdown. If you're not,

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Speaker 3: enjoy the weekend, because you probably will more than us.

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Speaker 3: Can I say that, I'm sure we can find something

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Speaker 3: creative to do. If you're in lockdown, we wish you

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Speaker 3: well this weekend and we hope that you're able to

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Speaker 3: have some high quality time with your family in ways

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Speaker 3: that work for you. The Happy Families podcast is produced

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Speaker 3: by Justin Rulan from Bridge Media.

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Speaker 5: Craig Bruce is our executive producer.

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Speaker 3: If you'd like more information about how to make your

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Speaker 3: family happy, Hey, we've had a really big upswing in.

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Speaker 5: Interest in the Happy Families memberships lately.

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Speaker 3: That's because we give your tips, trips and ideas on

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Speaker 3: a weekly, fortnightly, and monthly basis to build happiness into

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Speaker 3: your family. Check it out at happy families dot com

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Speaker 3: dot a you