1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,080 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,960 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, Hello on 3 00:00:11,039 --> 00:00:13,680 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. This is doctor Justin Coulson. 4 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:16,680 Speaker 1: So excited for a Tuesday where I get to answer 5 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:20,720 Speaker 1: your questions every Tuesday right here on the pod, answering 6 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:22,280 Speaker 1: your questions about what it's going to take to make 7 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:26,240 Speaker 1: your family happier to deal with the issues in raising kids. 8 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,360 Speaker 1: If you have a question you'd like to submit it to, 9 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:31,400 Speaker 1: go to Happy Families dot com dot AU, click on 10 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,920 Speaker 1: the podcast link and then push the record button. It's 11 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,879 Speaker 1: that simple. Oh and we're starting to run out of questions, 12 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:40,120 Speaker 1: so now's a good time to jump in because I 13 00:00:40,159 --> 00:00:42,879 Speaker 1: can answer your questions really soon Happy families dot com 14 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:46,000 Speaker 1: dot you click on the podcast link and push the 15 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:49,000 Speaker 1: record button, just like Bridget did. 16 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:53,040 Speaker 2: Hello Bridget here from Victoria, my mom of to My 17 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:57,960 Speaker 2: oldest son is five, turning six too. We are having 18 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:03,360 Speaker 2: difficulties with his competitiveness. He's always been very competitive and 19 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:06,720 Speaker 2: he has to be the winner. If he's not the winner, 20 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,400 Speaker 2: then we get him out down. We always gently remind 21 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:12,760 Speaker 2: him before we go for a play date or we 22 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 2: do any activities that it's not a competition. We here 23 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,400 Speaker 2: to enjoy it, but he just can't seem to help 24 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:21,520 Speaker 2: himself turn it into a competition, and then if it 25 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:25,440 Speaker 2: doesn't go his way, he gets really upset. It really 26 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,080 Speaker 2: detracts from him enjoying these activities with his friends and 27 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,040 Speaker 2: just enjoying things for what they are. So we're hoping 28 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:32,840 Speaker 2: to get some advice. 29 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:33,480 Speaker 3: Thanks. 30 00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:36,200 Speaker 1: Yeah, this is the classic. I'm taking my bat and 31 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:38,880 Speaker 1: ball on going home, toys out of the cot, having 32 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:42,280 Speaker 1: a dummy spirit because things aren't going my way. Really 33 00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:45,440 Speaker 1: standard behavior like I'm faster than you, I'm better than you, 34 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,080 Speaker 1: I'm smarter than you. What did you get? 35 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:47,240 Speaker 3: Oh? 36 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:50,600 Speaker 1: I got this really really, I don't know how to 37 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,800 Speaker 1: say it other than it's the kind of behavior it'd 38 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,320 Speaker 1: expect in boys age between about six and twelve. I 39 00:01:55,400 --> 00:02:00,000 Speaker 1: mean competition, being competitive, taking on somebody else, having confident 40 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:02,760 Speaker 1: it's inevitable. It's part of being a mammal. We do 41 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: a lot of comparing. We do a lot of competing, 42 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,600 Speaker 1: We do a lot of conflicting. And as we do that, 43 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:11,320 Speaker 1: what it does is it sharpens us, It strengthens us. 44 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:15,640 Speaker 1: It makes us better if we let it, If we 45 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:19,280 Speaker 1: allow the competition to refine us. It's part of a 46 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:22,679 Speaker 1: combination of what I would call superpowers that have made 47 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:26,560 Speaker 1: humans the apex species on the planet. But competition and 48 00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:30,000 Speaker 1: conflict need to work in harmony with this other superpower 49 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:35,200 Speaker 1: that we have, and that is cooperation. Unfortunately, little boys 50 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,240 Speaker 1: between six and ten are not that interested in cooperating 51 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,600 Speaker 1: when there's some ego on the line. This is totally 52 00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:45,560 Speaker 1: developmentally appropriate. There's something about this age in particular. I 53 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,520 Speaker 1: think it's where thinking is really concrete. It's all about 54 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:51,280 Speaker 1: what's going through my mind right now and how I'm 55 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,720 Speaker 1: going to look and how I can build my identity 56 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,040 Speaker 1: around my competence and my capability. Up to about the 57 00:02:57,040 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 1: age of twelve, just so competitive. I remember when I 58 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,519 Speaker 1: was a kid. I grew up with two brothers, Ben 59 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,920 Speaker 1: and Jay. They were two of my very best friends. 60 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:08,639 Speaker 1: And you've never seen this wasn't just competition. This was 61 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:15,120 Speaker 1: peak competition, absolutely as hardcore as it gets. Every time 62 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,480 Speaker 1: there was the slightest conflict, which was pretty much every 63 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,320 Speaker 1: five minutes when we were playing a game, doing anything 64 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,720 Speaker 1: at all, Ben would scream about dad Jay's being a 65 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,920 Speaker 1: bad I mean, it was just being a bad sport 66 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:27,440 Speaker 1: was the whole thing, and they were so competitive with 67 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 1: each other, always taking each other on. I think they 68 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:33,000 Speaker 1: were about a year, maybe eighteen months apart, really really close, 69 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,040 Speaker 1: really standard behavior. What do you do about it? When 70 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:39,880 Speaker 1: you've got a little guy who is all about competition, 71 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:44,640 Speaker 1: being faster, being better, being smarter, being stronger than his 72 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:49,320 Speaker 1: mates or his siblings. This comes down to the idea 73 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,600 Speaker 1: that I want to be competent. That's fundamentally what it is, 74 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,400 Speaker 1: and also it ties in with identity as well. Let's 75 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,640 Speaker 1: talk about competence for just a sec There are three 76 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,120 Speaker 1: basic psychological needs that we all have. Number One, we 77 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,600 Speaker 1: want to have close relationships with others. We want to 78 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,600 Speaker 1: feel competent and cap all in. Number three, we want 79 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,520 Speaker 1: to have a sense of autonomy. Now we're going to 80 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:06,960 Speaker 1: leave autonomy to the side in this conversation because the 81 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,840 Speaker 1: other two are the ones that are really at the 82 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:12,640 Speaker 1: core of this discussion. If I want to look competent 83 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,760 Speaker 1: and to look competent, I have to beat you. That 84 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,120 Speaker 1: means my relationship with you is going to suffer, my 85 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,159 Speaker 1: relationship with the people around me is going to suffer. 86 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,480 Speaker 1: And so what we're really dealing with here is we've 87 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,800 Speaker 1: got a kid, and this is pretty standard. Like I said, 88 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:28,159 Speaker 1: with boys in this age group, where my identity is 89 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,760 Speaker 1: that I have to win. It's important for my sense 90 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:32,960 Speaker 1: of self. It's important for my sense of competence. It's 91 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,839 Speaker 1: important for me to be an environment where my basic 92 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 1: psychological needs can be supported and I can remain motivated 93 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,800 Speaker 1: and positive about the activity that I'm doing. It's important 94 00:04:40,839 --> 00:04:43,840 Speaker 1: that I destroy everybody and make them feel bad about themselves. 95 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:49,160 Speaker 1: The downside to this is that it ruptures relationships, and 96 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:50,839 Speaker 1: this is why in one of my books, Nine Ways 97 00:04:50,839 --> 00:04:53,240 Speaker 1: to a Resilient Child, I argue that we want to 98 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:56,160 Speaker 1: minimize our kids' experience of competition for as long as 99 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,480 Speaker 1: we can, usually somewhere around about ten not twelve, where 100 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:00,760 Speaker 1: they start to get their head around what competition is 101 00:05:00,839 --> 00:05:02,280 Speaker 1: and why it is the way that it is. 102 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:02,880 Speaker 3: Now. 103 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:06,840 Speaker 1: This is not entirely true, because you can have competence 104 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:11,200 Speaker 1: building and relatedness. What the real challenge is is how 105 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:17,039 Speaker 1: the competition is affecting identity. And this can either be 106 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,000 Speaker 1: a built in flow or a built in feature. It 107 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,279 Speaker 1: depends on what we do as parents here. If we've 108 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:26,000 Speaker 1: got kids who feel like competition is an opportunity for 109 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:29,680 Speaker 1: them to build identity as a winner. Then they will 110 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,400 Speaker 1: They will enjoy competition whileever they can win, and they 111 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 1: will hate competition when they can't win, and they will 112 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,040 Speaker 1: see all of their friends and fellow competitors or dad 113 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,160 Speaker 1: or a sibling or whoever, they will see them as 114 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,600 Speaker 1: an adversary that needs to be destroyed. The only way 115 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,680 Speaker 1: I can feel good is to make you feel bad. 116 00:05:45,839 --> 00:05:47,680 Speaker 1: Now that's not the thinking that's going through their heads, 117 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,120 Speaker 1: but that's the ultimate outcome. So what do we do? 118 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,920 Speaker 1: How do we make competition and this idea of desiring 119 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,479 Speaker 1: to be competitiveness because I want to feel competent. How 120 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,920 Speaker 1: do we turn that into a feature rather than a floor. 121 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:01,719 Speaker 1: I think there's a couple of things that we can do. 122 00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:04,880 Speaker 1: Number One, we can encourage empathy. How do we do 123 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:06,880 Speaker 1: that when we've got a kid that's hell bent on winning, 124 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:09,000 Speaker 1: because that's how they prove to themselves that they're capable 125 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,880 Speaker 1: and competent and they're a winner. Like that's their identity, 126 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:15,080 Speaker 1: that's what they're pushing for. Number One, what we want 127 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,960 Speaker 1: to do is get them to think it through. Hey, 128 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 1: when you win, how does it make you feel? How 129 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,960 Speaker 1: does it make the people around you feel what's it 130 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:24,800 Speaker 1: say about you when you win? And what we get 131 00:06:24,839 --> 00:06:27,440 Speaker 1: to do is we start to have these more deep, meaningful, 132 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:31,800 Speaker 1: helpful conversations about how it's the way you win or 133 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,000 Speaker 1: the way you lose that matters. There's all that whole 134 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,440 Speaker 1: thing about it's not whether you win or lose, it's 135 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,120 Speaker 1: how you play the game. I don't think that that 136 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,960 Speaker 1: really washes with kids, especially in this age group. Winning matters, 137 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:44,040 Speaker 1: and I don't really have a problem with encouraging them 138 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:46,080 Speaker 1: to do well and to push for a win. I 139 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:49,760 Speaker 1: think that's healthy as well, that's totally normal. But it's 140 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:53,200 Speaker 1: not that you win. It's how you win, and it's 141 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:56,279 Speaker 1: not that you lose, it's how you lose. Having those 142 00:06:56,279 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 1: sorts of conversations, what's it say about you when you win? 143 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,680 Speaker 1: What else does it say? Well, it says that I'm 144 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,680 Speaker 1: good at it. Great, that's competence. But what else does 145 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:07,120 Speaker 1: it say in terms of the way you value relationships? 146 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:10,440 Speaker 1: And if we can help kids to value the relationships 147 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:14,000 Speaker 1: as much as they value the outcome, that's when we 148 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,600 Speaker 1: start to make progress and help them to get into 149 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:20,040 Speaker 1: that deeper level where they're not just about conflict and competition, 150 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 1: they're also about cooperation. I remember when I was growing up, 151 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:27,200 Speaker 1: I was at a school sports day and we were 152 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,040 Speaker 1: doing this Captain ball, king ball, tunnel ball sort of game. 153 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:32,080 Speaker 1: I can't remember what it was now, but I was 154 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,600 Speaker 1: getting really mad. I was in about grade seven, maybe 155 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:39,040 Speaker 1: grade eight, and it was a combined grades competition, and 156 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:40,880 Speaker 1: there was another kid, maybe a year or two younger 157 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,440 Speaker 1: than me, who just could not play this game. I 158 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:47,600 Speaker 1: was losing the plot and this guy in grade ten, 159 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:53,760 Speaker 1: one of the school's rugby players, highly regarded, great sportsman. 160 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,960 Speaker 1: He pulled me aside and he said, hey, justin It's 161 00:07:57,160 --> 00:08:01,400 Speaker 1: just a game. And what he did with this wonderful 162 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:05,320 Speaker 1: confidence is he highlighted that sometimes competition really does matter. 163 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,560 Speaker 1: And when he's on that rugby field, you knew that 164 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,560 Speaker 1: competition mattered to him a great deal. He had his 165 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,320 Speaker 1: team around him and there was an opposing team and 166 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:13,760 Speaker 1: he was going to do everything he could to win. 167 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 1: But as we were doing this sports day as an 168 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:20,559 Speaker 1: activity at school, he could see that what mattered more 169 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,640 Speaker 1: was relationships over winning. And it stayed with me my 170 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,800 Speaker 1: entire life because of the maturity that he showed in 171 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:31,000 Speaker 1: the way that he really put the relationship, above the 172 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:34,000 Speaker 1: competition and above the identity that I've got to win this. 173 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:42,960 Speaker 1: Build relationships through competition, invite cooperation, and you're on a winner. Okay, 174 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,360 Speaker 1: let's take a listen to question two. 175 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:49,880 Speaker 3: Hi, I'm beck here from Melbourne. Being a single mum 176 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,680 Speaker 3: on a tight budget. I do find it challenging to 177 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:56,440 Speaker 3: create the ideal nurturing home environment for my child with 178 00:08:56,559 --> 00:09:02,600 Speaker 3: OCD and autism. Any suggestions fory resources that could help 179 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:06,719 Speaker 3: me implement clear rules and boundaries without triggering such anxiety 180 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:11,360 Speaker 3: fueled explosive reactions. How can I create the overall better 181 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:15,400 Speaker 3: prepared environment to help better support my child through those 182 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:16,480 Speaker 3: extra tough times. 183 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:20,280 Speaker 1: Okay, Becky, I'm so grateful for this conversation, and I 184 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,720 Speaker 1: totally get why this is super hard. I believe that 185 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,079 Speaker 1: the resources that you want to develop need to be 186 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,720 Speaker 1: developed together. They need to be developed at home. I 187 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,560 Speaker 1: don't see these as the kinds of things that you're 188 00:09:30,559 --> 00:09:32,480 Speaker 1: going to pick up off the shelf and they're going 189 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:36,040 Speaker 1: to simply work for your family. Life is hard already 190 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:39,520 Speaker 1: doing it with limited income, doing it on your own, 191 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,360 Speaker 1: doing it with a kiddo who's got some pretty challenging 192 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:46,439 Speaker 1: additional needs around OCD and autism. This is a tough gig. 193 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:50,079 Speaker 1: It's really really hard, and my hat goes off to 194 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,559 Speaker 1: you for just giving it a crack. 195 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:53,360 Speaker 3: Here's what I. 196 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,959 Speaker 1: Would be doing. I would not be overloading my child 197 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,280 Speaker 1: at all. Rather, I'd sit down and pull out some 198 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:01,160 Speaker 1: treats and say, hey, lately, our mornings have been a 199 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,360 Speaker 1: bit messy. How you're feeling about mornings? Are you feeling 200 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,080 Speaker 1: what I'm feeling? Just make sure that you're on the 201 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,400 Speaker 1: same page, You've got some level of alignment, and then 202 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,520 Speaker 1: step into what I would call the three ease of 203 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:12,480 Speaker 1: effective discipline. If you followed me for any length of time, Becky, 204 00:10:12,559 --> 00:10:14,720 Speaker 1: you'd be familiar with this model that I developed maybe 205 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:17,400 Speaker 1: a decade ago. Now. The three e's are that you explore, 206 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,079 Speaker 1: you explain, you empower, So it would look like this, Hey, 207 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:22,280 Speaker 1: tell me what's going on with mornings for you. How 208 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,440 Speaker 1: do you feel in the morning, what works, what doesn't, 209 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,520 Speaker 1: What do you like? What don't you like? You're letting 210 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:31,040 Speaker 1: your child have a voice and explore what mornings are 211 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,400 Speaker 1: failing at and what mornings could look right with. This 212 00:10:34,559 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 1: is a really tricky conversation, and that's why I recommend 213 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,640 Speaker 1: that you sit down, you take your time, you have 214 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:42,120 Speaker 1: some treats, some food stuff that's going to keep your 215 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,680 Speaker 1: child engaged in the conversation, and you ask questions without 216 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 1: any agenda other than understanding. That's step one. Next is explain. 217 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,160 Speaker 1: And so to explain would go something like this, Well, 218 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:54,840 Speaker 1: I thought we could build a resource, we could build 219 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,680 Speaker 1: a checklist, we could build at whatever to help us 220 00:10:57,679 --> 00:10:59,520 Speaker 1: get through the mornings. What do you reckon? So now 221 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,040 Speaker 1: we're bringing them in and we're giving them a sense 222 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,320 Speaker 1: of structure, we're giving them a sense of autonomy, and 223 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:07,679 Speaker 1: we're keeping the relationship feeling really good. Then we empower them. 224 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,680 Speaker 1: We say, okay, so if you're going to build your 225 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:13,080 Speaker 1: perfect morning, what would it look like? And we start 226 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,200 Speaker 1: to map it out. We don't necessarily have to have 227 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,839 Speaker 1: tight timeframes. We're not trying to put pressure on here. 228 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,080 Speaker 1: We're just trying to say what feels good. Do cuddles 229 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:21,880 Speaker 1: feel good in the morning, or is getting up and 230 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,400 Speaker 1: going for a walk with the dog feel good in 231 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,400 Speaker 1: the morning, Or do we want to have some reading 232 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 1: time before anything has to happen? Maybe mum needs to 233 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:31,880 Speaker 1: bring a hot chocolate in first thing. I mean, you 234 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:33,720 Speaker 1: can be as expansive as you want with this, and 235 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,320 Speaker 1: you can really have fun. The other thing that you 236 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:38,040 Speaker 1: might bring up is what can we do the night 237 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:41,200 Speaker 1: before to make mornings easier? Your morning begins the night before. 238 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,240 Speaker 1: The more prep you do, the better the morning goes. 239 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: This conversation has the elements of explore, explain, and empower, 240 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,200 Speaker 1: and it helps your child feel like they've got a voice. 241 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,720 Speaker 1: They get to listen to their voice as much as 242 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:56,480 Speaker 1: any other voice, and it's really profoundly valuable. You can 243 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,040 Speaker 1: do that with mornings, you can do it with afternoons, 244 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:00,600 Speaker 1: you can do it with the meal list. You can 245 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,760 Speaker 1: do it with any area where there's a little bit 246 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,120 Speaker 1: of friction, a little bit of fatigue, a little bit 247 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:07,720 Speaker 1: of challenge. So that's the way that I'd be going. 248 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:09,240 Speaker 1: I'd be looking at the three e's for all of 249 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,839 Speaker 1: those areas of challenge. Develop the resources and remember to 250 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,880 Speaker 1: check in every week or two and look at how 251 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:18,760 Speaker 1: it's going, refine it, Listen to your child and gauge 252 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,520 Speaker 1: things with them. The only other thing that I'd recommend 253 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:25,640 Speaker 1: as sort of a kickstart for you, Becky from Melbourne, 254 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,200 Speaker 1: is look for ways that you can have healthy and 255 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:33,000 Speaker 1: adaptive forms of involvement. Sometimes having the music cranked and 256 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:35,680 Speaker 1: doing the dishes together, going out of the backyard and 257 00:12:35,679 --> 00:12:38,560 Speaker 1: pulling weeds together, doing the things that are going to 258 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:41,600 Speaker 1: work well for you to be involved together makes a difference. 259 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,560 Speaker 1: Maybe part of the routine is that you're reading together, 260 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,040 Speaker 1: or you listen to music together, or you're just doing 261 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,960 Speaker 1: that thing, you're playing that game that you both love. 262 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,240 Speaker 1: I'm looking for ways that you can be more involved, 263 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,640 Speaker 1: looking for ways that you can develop resources that your 264 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:57,080 Speaker 1: child has a voice in delivering and developing. And I 265 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,080 Speaker 1: think that that's going to be the best way forward. 266 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,720 Speaker 1: Is it going to be full? No, nothing is with parenting, 267 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:04,360 Speaker 1: especially when you're dealing with kids who have additional needs. 268 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,720 Speaker 1: But that should get you started. Thank you so much 269 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,880 Speaker 1: for your questions. If you have questions, I answer them 270 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,280 Speaker 1: every Tuesday. You can go to Happy Families dot com 271 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:15,000 Speaker 1: dot you click on the podcast link and then push 272 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,880 Speaker 1: the record button. It is that easy. You can do it, 273 00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:21,040 Speaker 1: just like Bridget and Becky from Melbourne. Look forward to 274 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:24,319 Speaker 1: answering your questions again next week on the Happy Families podcast. 275 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,760 Speaker 1: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from 276 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:30,439 Speaker 1: Bridge Media, Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd 277 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,800 Speaker 1: like more info about making your family happier, visit us 278 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,719 Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot au.