WEBVTT - PART 2: Navigating friendship through different life stages - Uncut with Dr Hannah Korrel

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<v Speaker 1>Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout

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<v Speaker 1>Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We

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<v Speaker 1>pay our respect to their elders past and present and

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<v Speaker 1>extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait islander

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<v Speaker 1>peoples today.

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<v Speaker 2>This episode is recorded on Gadigal Land of the Aurora Nation.

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<v Speaker 2>Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life

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<v Speaker 2>on Cut. I'm producer Keisha, and I've just got a quick.

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<v Speaker 3>Thirty second explainer for you of what is happening with

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<v Speaker 3>today's episode.

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<v Speaker 2>This is part two of the episodes. So if you have.

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<v Speaker 3>Found yourself here and you haven't listened to part one,

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<v Speaker 3>go and have a quick little search to your podcast libraries.

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<v Speaker 3>Listen to part one first and then you can come

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<v Speaker 3>and join us back here. In part one of today episode, obviously,

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<v Speaker 3>the whole world at the moment is talking about these

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<v Speaker 3>abortion bands that are happening in the US. Laura and

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<v Speaker 3>Britt sat down with Sam Kazlowski, the co founder of

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<v Speaker 3>The Daily Odz, to explain what is going on and

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<v Speaker 3>kind of all the legal jargon and what it means

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<v Speaker 3>for these women in America and for Part two of

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<v Speaker 3>this episode, Britain Laura were joined by neuropsychologists doctor Hannah

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<v Speaker 3>Corral to talk about navigating friendships throughout different stages of

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<v Speaker 3>your life.

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<v Speaker 1>So let's get into that chat today.

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<v Speaker 2>We're talking about friendship on the podcast and now, I

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<v Speaker 2>think when we speak about friendship, we speak about relationships

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<v Speaker 2>so much. And one of the biggest relationships that we

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<v Speaker 2>have to navigate throughout our life is our relationships with

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<v Speaker 2>our friends. Now, we did a podcast episode many many

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<v Speaker 2>many moons ago with neuropsychologists doctor Hannah Corral, and she

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<v Speaker 2>is back at joining us today. But what we're talking

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<v Speaker 2>about on today's episode is something slightly different. We're talking

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<v Speaker 2>about how do you navigate friendships when you enter into

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<v Speaker 2>extremely different life stages than your friends. And we're talking,

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<v Speaker 2>for example, what if your friends start having babies, or

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<v Speaker 2>they're getting married, or even if they're studying for something

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<v Speaker 2>really important but you're off traveling, how do you maintain

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<v Speaker 2>that close connection. So doctor Hannah, we are so excited

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<v Speaker 2>to have you here today. Welcome back to the podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh so good to be here. Now, Hannah.

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<v Speaker 1>Hannah did come on, like Laura said, Hannah was on

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<v Speaker 1>with us when was that was it back in January

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<v Speaker 1>maybe at the start of the year, so probably six

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<v Speaker 1>months ago. And we did make Hannah do an accidentally unfiltered,

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<v Speaker 1>like we make every single guest, and we thought, do

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<v Speaker 1>we let her get away with another one or.

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<v Speaker 2>Do we put her on the spot.

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<v Speaker 1>See she's got any other embarrassing stories and you have

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<v Speaker 1>come through with the goods, Hannah, you do have another

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<v Speaker 1>embarrassing story. I mean the last time we spoke, the

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<v Speaker 1>embarrassing story was milky Feet, but brief.

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<v Speaker 2>But Britt, I actually think it was pre covid. It

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<v Speaker 2>was like it was years ago. Hasn't been on the

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<v Speaker 2>podcast for two years because I was out dancing. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>it's free lockdown.

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<v Speaker 1>I have no concept of time. This is what covid

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<v Speaker 1>has done to me. I'm like, I don't know, was

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<v Speaker 1>it yesterday? Was it five years ago?

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<v Speaker 2>Who knows? I've come up with another juicy one for

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<v Speaker 2>I was up all night last night going They're gonna

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<v Speaker 2>ask was rocking in my bed? I'm gonna ask, what

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<v Speaker 2>do I tell them?

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<v Speaker 1>We don't want to be that podcast that injuices anxiety.

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<v Speaker 2>Before you come on as a guest, do I racked

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<v Speaker 2>my brains? I've come up with one guy, Okay, hit this,

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<v Speaker 2>what have you got? So if you follow my Instagram,

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<v Speaker 2>you'll know that my cat, Jeff, who is a rescue cat.

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<v Speaker 2>He features heavily on my Instagram. And when I first

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<v Speaker 2>got him, he had a very sensitive tummy. He was

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<v Speaker 2>a flatulent little cat. Gotta love that, so used to

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<v Speaker 2>have I don't know, I think I was just feeding

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<v Speaker 2>him the wrong stuff. So it used to be like

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<v Speaker 2>a little he'd get like a really distended tummy and

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<v Speaker 2>he'd be like a little balloon. But he's very cute,

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<v Speaker 2>super cute cat anyway, like a bloated round hat full

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<v Speaker 2>of potter. So I was dating a guy. I quite

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<v Speaker 2>liked him actually, And I have you guys ever seen

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<v Speaker 2>singing bowls? You know, singing bowls? Yeah, yeah, band therapy

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<v Speaker 2>and stuff I love. I've got the two beautiful singing bowls.

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<v Speaker 2>And so we were on the floor like I'm about

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<v Speaker 2>to start this incredible sound therapy session for him with

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<v Speaker 2>this beautiful singing. I'm like, this is your heart chakra

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<v Speaker 2>and this is your throat chakra, explaining all the like

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<v Speaker 2>quantum mechanics to him and he's like, oh wow. And

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<v Speaker 2>then Jeff bless his little soul comes and sits right

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<v Speaker 2>beside him, and I'm like, I'll just move him out

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<v Speaker 2>the way. As I push him away, he deflats. Just oh,

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<v Speaker 2>the most rape you should smell, and then bless this

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<v Speaker 2>guy's soul. We sat there and were like, just pretended

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<v Speaker 2>we couldn't smell this hideous fart well whilst you did sing. Anyway,

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<v Speaker 2>I don't recommend it as the first day guys.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, I can think of this guy thinking right, is

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<v Speaker 1>like when you're like, hey, come into my house, come

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<v Speaker 1>lay on the floor with me, and I'll do singing bowls.

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<v Speaker 1>He's probably like, yeah, this is some sex move I

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<v Speaker 1>haven't heard of. Yeah, we're gonna get freaky.

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<v Speaker 2>Then he just gets farted on by a cat. Funnily enough,

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<v Speaker 2>nothing eventually after that.

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<v Speaker 1>Also, this is why you need This is what I

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<v Speaker 1>say to people. This is a really good reason to

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<v Speaker 1>have a dog. Yes, or of any pet. Yes their therapy.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes they're a companion. But at the end of the

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<v Speaker 1>day you can use them as a cover if you

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<v Speaker 1>do a part for clarity.

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<v Speaker 2>If the guy is listening, I swear it was not

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<v Speaker 2>me with definitely jes doctor Hannah. We're so excited to

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<v Speaker 2>have you back on the podcast. But before we get

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<v Speaker 2>into unpacking all of the conversations around friendships, I know

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<v Speaker 2>that there's going to be a few people out there

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<v Speaker 2>who didn't listen to our first interview. So can you

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<v Speaker 2>explain to everyone what is a neuropsychologist? Yeah, that's the

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<v Speaker 2>great question. Nobody knows. Yeah, yeah, So we're quite a

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<v Speaker 2>rare specialty. I think there's like seven thousand all of Australia.

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<v Speaker 2>So neuropsychology is a type of psychology where we assess

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<v Speaker 2>brain disorders. So we do the pen and paper testing

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<v Speaker 2>to figure out what part of your brain is working

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<v Speaker 2>well and what part of your brain isn't working so well.

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<v Speaker 2>So you can put someone in a scanner like an

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<v Speaker 2>MRI or a CT scanner and you can find out

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<v Speaker 2>what the structure of their brain looks like and maybe

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<v Speaker 2>even a little bit about the functional imaging of their brain.

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<v Speaker 2>But most of those scans just show you a picture

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<v Speaker 2>like an X ray of a break in your arm.

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<v Speaker 2>It doesn't actually tell you what it functionally can do.

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<v Speaker 2>So it doesn't tell you what your brain can do

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<v Speaker 2>in terms of attention, speed, executive function, memory. We come

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<v Speaker 2>in and we test those parts of your brain so

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<v Speaker 2>that we can tell the doctors. Okay, this part of

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<v Speaker 2>Laura's brain's working amazingly and this other part might need

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<v Speaker 2>more help. I mean, maybe I should get the test down.

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<v Speaker 2>Need the test. So I basically do a lot of diagnosis,

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<v Speaker 2>so things like autism, ADHD, dementia, intellectual disabilities, things like that.

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<v Speaker 2>But you have written a book and that's what we

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<v Speaker 2>discussed last time you joined us on how to break

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<v Speaker 2>up with friends? Correct? What was it about friendships that

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<v Speaker 2>was a real driving force view that made you want

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<v Speaker 2>to have a greater and broader conversation around it. I

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<v Speaker 2>think from my background so I'm like, I've done a

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<v Speaker 2>PhD in neuroscience, I'm a neuropsychologist obviously my background. I

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<v Speaker 2>was a psychologist first, and I specialized love the science

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<v Speaker 2>of relationships and the actual the science on toxic relationships

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<v Speaker 2>is fascinating. We have a lot of data on what

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<v Speaker 2>it does to your body when you're in a chronic

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<v Speaker 2>toxic relationship, whether that's domestic or friendship or work related,

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<v Speaker 2>it has a serious physiological effect on your body. And

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<v Speaker 2>even though we have all this incredible data, we don't

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<v Speaker 2>really talk about it very much. When it comes to friendship.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know. I just found it really fascinating and

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<v Speaker 2>I just started writing one day and yeah, a year

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<v Speaker 2>later it was a manuscript, so I got it publish.

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<v Speaker 1>Hannah, this is why we get people like you on

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<v Speaker 1>because you are so overclassed. You have so you're like,

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<v Speaker 1>I have this degree, this degree, this degree, this PhD.

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<v Speaker 2>This is what I've done.

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<v Speaker 1>This is why we get you because Laura and I

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<v Speaker 1>we're very, very enthusiastic, but you actually know you shit.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you think when we're jumping into friendships like this

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<v Speaker 1>is something? I don't know if you guys have heard

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<v Speaker 1>this now. I don't know if this is like a

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<v Speaker 1>myth or but you see them on the Instagram quotes

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<v Speaker 1>and things like that. They say, if you've been friends

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<v Speaker 1>with someone for seven years, is you'll you'll be friends forever.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you think that's accurate or do you think a

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<v Speaker 1>friendship can end after any time? Do you think you

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<v Speaker 1>could be best friends with someone for twenty years and

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<v Speaker 1>then all of a sudden you're like, oh, you're not

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<v Speaker 1>my person anymore.

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<v Speaker 2>That's an awesome question. I think you know. It taps

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<v Speaker 2>into the concept of familiarity, and familiarity is one of

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<v Speaker 2>the things that help us to form a foundation or

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<v Speaker 2>connection with a person and find a tribe. I do

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<v Speaker 2>think that it's probably wishful thinking to think you get

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<v Speaker 2>to a magic number and then you're just solid forever.

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<v Speaker 2>It's sort of like saying, if you can get to

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<v Speaker 2>seven years in a marriage, your marriage will never go wrong.

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<v Speaker 2>But that's kind of hard to We can't predict those things,

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<v Speaker 2>and things happen in life especially. I don't know about

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<v Speaker 2>you guys, but decades are passing very quickly for me

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<v Speaker 2>at the moment.

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<v Speaker 1>So yes, I mean, I thought you were on the

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<v Speaker 1>podcast six months ago.

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<v Speaker 2>I was like two years ago. I had six months

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<v Speaker 2>ago too, Literally season one, My life is flashing before

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<v Speaker 2>my eyes. Yeah, so you really do have significant changes

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<v Speaker 2>that you can go through in life. So there's things

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<v Speaker 2>that can happen. I'm sure we'll talk about that today,

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<v Speaker 2>like friendships, changing with children, marriages, deaths in the family,

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<v Speaker 2>career changes, all of those things can happen, and they

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<v Speaker 2>don't necessarily. I think time and longitudinal friendships buffer you.

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<v Speaker 2>They certainly give you a better buffer in case something

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<v Speaker 2>goes wrong, so you've got a little wider I don't

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<v Speaker 2>like to use the analogy of pac Man, and I'm

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<v Speaker 2>eating away at that buffer, and so you've got a

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<v Speaker 2>wider buffer that might be eaten through before your friendship

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<v Speaker 2>would be at risk of ending. But I don't think

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<v Speaker 2>that time is the only thing that predicts the quality

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<v Speaker 2>of friendship. And I guess one of the things as well,

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<v Speaker 2>Like when we think about these our friendship's changing over

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<v Speaker 2>the years. It's definitely happened to me since I've had

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<v Speaker 2>kids in terms of like your priority shift, not just

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<v Speaker 2>your priorities, but like the physical amount of time that

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<v Speaker 2>you have to invest in the things that you used

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<v Speaker 2>to be able to invest in, and one of those

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<v Speaker 2>being friendships. You know, I used to be able to

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<v Speaker 2>go out for dinners on it whatever night I wanted to,

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<v Speaker 2>and see my friends on the weekends, and those things

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<v Speaker 2>don't happen with the same frequency anymore, especially because a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of them I don't have children, and so you know,

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<v Speaker 2>they don't want to come to the park and hang

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<v Speaker 2>out at the park on a Sunday morning at nine am,

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<v Speaker 2>and I don't want to go out on a Friday

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<v Speaker 2>night at ten o'clock. So like the things kind of

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<v Speaker 2>shift in that way. But I mean this is probably

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<v Speaker 2>a big question to throw out you from the very start,

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<v Speaker 2>But how do you think when you hit those really

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<v Speaker 2>different milestones, how do you think that you can maintain

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<v Speaker 2>a quality amount of friendship or how do you maintain

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<v Speaker 2>sort of the same level of intensity or if it's

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<v Speaker 2>even possible. I mean, this is a great question. I think.

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<v Speaker 2>Last time was on the podcast, we talked a little

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<v Speaker 2>bit about the Dunbar number, which is how many friends,

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<v Speaker 2>how many really really really close friends your brain can

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<v Speaker 2>actually handle. So looking at that from a different lens,

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<v Speaker 2>if you guys, remember you know Dunbar is like this

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<v Speaker 2>great sociologist who kind of mapped on the cortex of

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<v Speaker 2>our brain with how many friends we could potentially handle.

0:10:48.840 --> 0:10:51.600
<v Speaker 2>So it's a complex relationship. The closer the friendship, the

0:10:51.600 --> 0:10:55.480
<v Speaker 2>more complex the relationship is. The closer any relationship is

0:10:55.520 --> 0:10:58.920
<v Speaker 2>to you, whether it's a husband, a mother, a child,

0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:02.240
<v Speaker 2>the more intimate the relationship, the more complexity is in

0:11:02.280 --> 0:11:05.360
<v Speaker 2>your brain. So it takes up cognitive real estate in

0:11:05.400 --> 0:11:07.840
<v Speaker 2>your brain. So they say about five people is how

0:11:07.880 --> 0:11:10.760
<v Speaker 2>many we can handle on a really really close intimate level,

0:11:10.800 --> 0:11:13.360
<v Speaker 2>and that includes your partner, your family, and your friends.

0:11:13.800 --> 0:11:15.680
<v Speaker 2>And if you think about that, time wise, Laura, what

0:11:15.720 --> 0:11:18.200
<v Speaker 2>you just said, you know, it makes sense. You've only

0:11:18.240 --> 0:11:20.280
<v Speaker 2>got so much real estate in your brain and you've

0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:22.800
<v Speaker 2>only got so many hours in your day. So I

0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:25.959
<v Speaker 2>think firstly, being a little bit forgiving to yourself if

0:11:25.960 --> 0:11:28.839
<v Speaker 2>you don't have an abundance of time, because you are

0:11:28.920 --> 0:11:31.199
<v Speaker 2>giving it to people who you love and people who

0:11:31.200 --> 0:11:34.360
<v Speaker 2>are important, like your children and your husband, and you know,

0:11:34.400 --> 0:11:36.760
<v Speaker 2>maybe your family, seeing your mom, seeing your dad, those

0:11:36.840 --> 0:11:40.800
<v Speaker 2>things are really important. I think women in society have

0:11:40.880 --> 0:11:43.400
<v Speaker 2>a real problem with holding a lot of guilt that

0:11:43.480 --> 0:11:44.839
<v Speaker 2>we have to do it all, we have to be

0:11:44.960 --> 0:11:47.520
<v Speaker 2>there for everyone and taking on board, you know, if

0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:50.000
<v Speaker 2>my friend was having a hard time and I needed

0:11:50.000 --> 0:11:53.120
<v Speaker 2>to commit to, you know, going home and making Loly

0:11:53.200 --> 0:11:56.120
<v Speaker 2>bags for my three year old's birthday because I've got

0:11:56.120 --> 0:11:57.720
<v Speaker 2>to do so much work because you know, you're an

0:11:57.720 --> 0:12:00.480
<v Speaker 2>amazing mum. And then we hold onto that guilt of

0:12:00.520 --> 0:12:03.480
<v Speaker 2>like maybe I wasn't I wasn't as available because I

0:12:03.520 --> 0:12:05.480
<v Speaker 2>had to take care of this little person, this little

0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:08.400
<v Speaker 2>human being. But it's interesting that you say this idea

0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:10.960
<v Speaker 2>of this dunbar being five people, because I don't think

0:12:11.000 --> 0:12:12.640
<v Speaker 2>and I think a lot of mums would be thinking this.

0:12:13.200 --> 0:12:16.040
<v Speaker 2>You never intentionally put your children into the same bracket

0:12:16.040 --> 0:12:17.839
<v Speaker 2>as being your friends. You don't go, oh, I want

0:12:17.840 --> 0:12:19.240
<v Speaker 2>to be friends with my three year old, you know,

0:12:19.559 --> 0:12:21.560
<v Speaker 2>of course you become friends with them, you know. And

0:12:21.640 --> 0:12:23.319
<v Speaker 2>it's funny because like I'll say to Maley, like, you're

0:12:23.360 --> 0:12:26.360
<v Speaker 2>my best friend, and then some days I'm like, no, really,

0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:28.960
<v Speaker 2>you're actually my best friend because I spend all my

0:12:29.000 --> 0:12:32.400
<v Speaker 2>time with you. But like, there truly isn't enough space sometimes.

0:12:32.480 --> 0:12:34.880
<v Speaker 2>And I don't think that there's ever an intentional thought

0:12:34.880 --> 0:12:38.120
<v Speaker 2>of pushing people out of your life, but sometimes there

0:12:38.200 --> 0:12:41.000
<v Speaker 2>is a type of erosion that happens to friendships when

0:12:41.040 --> 0:12:44.679
<v Speaker 2>you don't get to be as intentional with them. I guess. Yeah,

0:12:45.000 --> 0:12:45.559
<v Speaker 2>But when you.

0:12:45.520 --> 0:12:48.520
<v Speaker 1>Think about it, five friends, like or not even friends,

0:12:48.559 --> 0:12:51.640
<v Speaker 1>five people that your brain or your body can say

0:12:52.040 --> 0:12:54.360
<v Speaker 1>I can tolerate five is not many. Like I have

0:12:54.440 --> 0:12:56.320
<v Speaker 1>six people in my family.

0:12:56.200 --> 0:12:57.520
<v Speaker 2>Super super close.

0:12:57.920 --> 0:12:59.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, but I only and that makes sense because I

0:12:59.920 --> 0:13:02.240
<v Speaker 1>do. Do you have a really small number of people I

0:13:02.320 --> 0:13:04.400
<v Speaker 1>keep in my life? And I've always wondered, I was like,

0:13:04.640 --> 0:13:07.320
<v Speaker 1>is that just because I run myself ragged? Or is

0:13:07.360 --> 0:13:10.160
<v Speaker 1>it because there's something a more deep seated issue where

0:13:10.240 --> 0:13:13.200
<v Speaker 1>I physically don't have the brain capacity to give any

0:13:13.280 --> 0:13:15.679
<v Speaker 1>more of me. And then there's a level of, like

0:13:15.720 --> 0:13:18.000
<v Speaker 1>you just said, guilt. So I feel so selfish because

0:13:18.000 --> 0:13:20.880
<v Speaker 1>maybe my friends need me right now, or but how

0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:23.679
<v Speaker 1>do we know when we can cut that off? How

0:13:23.679 --> 0:13:26.559
<v Speaker 1>do we know when it's way more important then maybe

0:13:26.559 --> 0:13:28.040
<v Speaker 1>a friend that needs us at that time.

0:13:28.600 --> 0:13:31.040
<v Speaker 2>Hmm. I think that gets sort of harder friendships and

0:13:31.080 --> 0:13:33.319
<v Speaker 2>the changes we go through life. There's this term, this

0:13:33.440 --> 0:13:37.600
<v Speaker 2>great word, it's called didactic shifts or didactic withdrawals, and

0:13:37.640 --> 0:13:40.440
<v Speaker 2>that just refers to the energy that goes into the

0:13:40.480 --> 0:13:44.720
<v Speaker 2>identity of you. So the identity of Brittany through university,

0:13:45.080 --> 0:13:48.200
<v Speaker 2>or the identity of Laura as a business woman, or

0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:51.679
<v Speaker 2>the identity of each of you as a media personality.

0:13:51.920 --> 0:13:54.559
<v Speaker 2>So there's all these different identities in your life as

0:13:54.559 --> 0:13:56.920
<v Speaker 2>you go through different stages of your life, and they

0:13:57.080 --> 0:14:00.400
<v Speaker 2>change and shift as new parts of your life. Being

0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:04.120
<v Speaker 2>a mother, being a wife, being a parent, being I

0:14:04.120 --> 0:14:06.719
<v Speaker 2>don't know, a business person. All of those things are

0:14:06.760 --> 0:14:09.480
<v Speaker 2>a didactic profile for you. There's a lot of energy

0:14:09.480 --> 0:14:12.760
<v Speaker 2>that goes into those things, and everyone has that regardless

0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:14.800
<v Speaker 2>of who you are, whatever thing it is that you

0:14:14.840 --> 0:14:17.360
<v Speaker 2>are throwing yourself into that is part of profiling who

0:14:17.400 --> 0:14:19.720
<v Speaker 2>you are. Yeah, that's exactly right. And then as things

0:14:19.800 --> 0:14:22.360
<v Speaker 2>change in your life, as you get married, become a wife,

0:14:22.440 --> 0:14:26.880
<v Speaker 2>become a mother, you have didactic withdrawals and didactic shifts,

0:14:26.920 --> 0:14:29.400
<v Speaker 2>which means that you're taking energy from one part of

0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:32.600
<v Speaker 2>your identity and putting into forming a new part of

0:14:32.600 --> 0:14:36.120
<v Speaker 2>your identity. And it's quite well established in the literature

0:14:36.320 --> 0:14:38.600
<v Speaker 2>that we know. For example, parents is a great example.

0:14:39.280 --> 0:14:43.120
<v Speaker 2>They do have a contraction of their relationships in the

0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:46.600
<v Speaker 2>first two years of bringing up children, where their friendship

0:14:46.600 --> 0:14:50.200
<v Speaker 2>networks do shrink as they have to become quite a

0:14:50.200 --> 0:14:54.440
<v Speaker 2>bit more insular to survive that period. You know, probably

0:14:54.440 --> 0:14:57.520
<v Speaker 2>remember Laura, where you're not sleeping, you're not eating, you're

0:14:57.560 --> 0:15:03.960
<v Speaker 2>barely going to the toilet yourself, let alone. Yeah, and

0:15:04.000 --> 0:15:06.680
<v Speaker 2>so there's a huge amount of energy that's going into

0:15:06.880 --> 0:15:09.800
<v Speaker 2>being a mom, surviving this new part of your life,

0:15:09.880 --> 0:15:12.720
<v Speaker 2>which means that you don't have the same energy that

0:15:12.760 --> 0:15:15.000
<v Speaker 2>you can put into other parts in your life. And

0:15:15.040 --> 0:15:17.160
<v Speaker 2>it's not because you're a bad person, it's not because

0:15:17.440 --> 0:15:20.000
<v Speaker 2>you don't care about your friends. It's because that energy

0:15:20.040 --> 0:15:23.120
<v Speaker 2>has changed and you need to feel a different part

0:15:23.160 --> 0:15:25.880
<v Speaker 2>of your identity, and there's not as much I suppose,

0:15:26.160 --> 0:15:31.000
<v Speaker 2>cognitive real estate, emotional energy, and physical time to put

0:15:31.040 --> 0:15:34.280
<v Speaker 2>into friendships at that point in your life. So what

0:15:34.440 --> 0:15:37.720
<v Speaker 2>tends to happen in friendships when we hit these different stages,

0:15:37.720 --> 0:15:40.400
<v Speaker 2>Because it's nice and ideal world to think, like, you know,

0:15:40.440 --> 0:15:42.480
<v Speaker 2>you're going to be best friends with the same best

0:15:42.520 --> 0:15:45.960
<v Speaker 2>friend throughout all of your life. I mean that Netflix

0:15:45.960 --> 0:15:48.720
<v Speaker 2>series that everyone got into last year, which was Firefly Lane,

0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:52.640
<v Speaker 2>and it was following these two young girls through their teenageyers,

0:15:52.640 --> 0:15:55.000
<v Speaker 2>through their adulthood, through these all these different phases, and

0:15:55.000 --> 0:15:58.120
<v Speaker 2>how they held onto this incredible friendship. And then obviously

0:15:58.200 --> 0:15:59.560
<v Speaker 2>something happened at the end of the season. I was

0:15:59.600 --> 0:16:01.560
<v Speaker 2>fall it for but it made me think in that time,

0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:04.320
<v Speaker 2>I was like, that is so unique. I don't like

0:16:04.360 --> 0:16:06.200
<v Speaker 2>and I'm sure that there are people out there who

0:16:06.200 --> 0:16:09.040
<v Speaker 2>have managed to and have like lifelong thirty year old friends.

0:16:09.080 --> 0:16:10.840
<v Speaker 2>I know there are so many of those people, but

0:16:10.960 --> 0:16:13.440
<v Speaker 2>I would find it interesting if those people have never

0:16:13.480 --> 0:16:16.120
<v Speaker 2>gone through periods where they've seen less of each other

0:16:16.280 --> 0:16:19.160
<v Speaker 2>or had less of an intensity to the friendship. That's

0:16:19.200 --> 0:16:20.880
<v Speaker 2>not to say that you're not friends with people for

0:16:20.880 --> 0:16:22.840
<v Speaker 2>thirty years, of course you're going to be, but that

0:16:22.960 --> 0:16:26.360
<v Speaker 2>relationship hasn't changed at all over those thirty years. Seems

0:16:26.400 --> 0:16:29.960
<v Speaker 2>like a really unreasonable or like almost fantastical thing to

0:16:29.960 --> 0:16:32.880
<v Speaker 2>be able to hold onto. Yeah, a bit unrealistic. I

0:16:32.920 --> 0:16:35.840
<v Speaker 2>sort of like to think of it like orbiting planets, right,

0:16:35.880 --> 0:16:38.880
<v Speaker 2>So we're sort of like planets orbiting around each other.

0:16:39.120 --> 0:16:41.680
<v Speaker 2>So in the literature, again it's well established that you

0:16:41.720 --> 0:16:44.400
<v Speaker 2>do have normal ebbs and flows of friendship as you

0:16:44.440 --> 0:16:47.240
<v Speaker 2>go through those different life stages. So what we tend

0:16:47.320 --> 0:16:49.200
<v Speaker 2>to align with people who have the same values as

0:16:49.280 --> 0:16:51.000
<v Speaker 2>us at a particular time in our life. So it

0:16:51.080 --> 0:16:54.560
<v Speaker 2>might have been at Uni, we really enjoyed going out together,

0:16:54.680 --> 0:16:57.280
<v Speaker 2>we really enjoyed studding together. And then something happened and

0:16:57.320 --> 0:16:59.880
<v Speaker 2>I started a family and that person started a business,

0:17:00.280 --> 0:17:03.200
<v Speaker 2>and our priorities at that time shifted a little bit.

0:17:03.280 --> 0:17:05.800
<v Speaker 2>So we're still friends, we still can chat with each other,

0:17:05.840 --> 0:17:08.719
<v Speaker 2>we can still spend beautiful time together, but our planets

0:17:08.720 --> 0:17:10.680
<v Speaker 2>have kind of just moved a little bit further apart

0:17:10.800 --> 0:17:13.760
<v Speaker 2>in our orbits. And then one day they may come

0:17:13.800 --> 0:17:16.920
<v Speaker 2>back together again as we move forward, and maybe they

0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:20.120
<v Speaker 2>become a parent and they seek advice from our experience

0:17:20.119 --> 0:17:22.159
<v Speaker 2>as a parent, and we start a business and we

0:17:22.200 --> 0:17:25.280
<v Speaker 2>seek advice from them how they found, you know, being

0:17:25.320 --> 0:17:28.560
<v Speaker 2>a soul trader. So it's a little bit like your

0:17:28.640 --> 0:17:32.440
<v Speaker 2>orbiting planets that are sometimes coming together and then sometimes

0:17:32.480 --> 0:17:35.880
<v Speaker 2>moving away. Think what changes is the amount of energy.

0:17:35.960 --> 0:17:38.040
<v Speaker 2>So I talk in the book about the different types

0:17:38.080 --> 0:17:40.320
<v Speaker 2>of energy that we can give. So you have time,

0:17:40.480 --> 0:17:42.479
<v Speaker 2>you've got energy, and you've got money that you can

0:17:42.520 --> 0:17:44.760
<v Speaker 2>give to another person. So it might just be that

0:17:45.080 --> 0:17:48.280
<v Speaker 2>at that time in your life there's less physical time

0:17:48.320 --> 0:17:50.240
<v Speaker 2>in your schedule, in your calendar that you can spend

0:17:50.280 --> 0:17:52.840
<v Speaker 2>with this individual. But we've all got those friends that

0:17:52.920 --> 0:17:55.640
<v Speaker 2>you see and you know it's like no time has passed.

0:17:55.640 --> 0:17:57.960
<v Speaker 2>It feels like you've just been speaking with them. You

0:17:58.000 --> 0:18:00.560
<v Speaker 2>can have an amazing friendship with someone that you only

0:18:00.600 --> 0:18:03.720
<v Speaker 2>see maybe once every three months or once every six months,

0:18:03.840 --> 0:18:06.040
<v Speaker 2>or it's an occasional text message and then a proper

0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:08.040
<v Speaker 2>catch up. You can't have friendships like that.

0:18:08.280 --> 0:18:10.920
<v Speaker 1>So I have my best friend Shannon. We've been best

0:18:10.960 --> 0:18:14.560
<v Speaker 1>friends thirty thirty one years and in that time, this

0:18:14.680 --> 0:18:18.920
<v Speaker 1>is no exaggeration, we have not had one argument, one

0:18:18.960 --> 0:18:21.600
<v Speaker 1>disagreement ever. Like we were just very lucky that the

0:18:21.680 --> 0:18:24.840
<v Speaker 1>universe gave us two people that get along like you've

0:18:24.880 --> 0:18:27.720
<v Speaker 1>never ever imagined. She is in a place where she's

0:18:27.760 --> 0:18:29.840
<v Speaker 1>got two kids now. We live in a different state.

0:18:30.000 --> 0:18:33.159
<v Speaker 1>She got married years ago. We took very different paths,

0:18:33.520 --> 0:18:35.920
<v Speaker 1>but that didn't change the friendship at all in terms

0:18:35.920 --> 0:18:37.919
<v Speaker 1>of how much we care for each other and how

0:18:38.000 --> 0:18:40.600
<v Speaker 1>much we do for each other. What it did change

0:18:40.640 --> 0:18:43.239
<v Speaker 1>is the physical time that you spend together. But I

0:18:43.240 --> 0:18:45.280
<v Speaker 1>think that's a part of growing up as well. She's

0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:47.919
<v Speaker 1>in a different state. The way that we catch up

0:18:47.960 --> 0:18:50.360
<v Speaker 1>now is very, very different, and that is something that

0:18:50.480 --> 0:18:53.440
<v Speaker 1>was it's a really hard adjustment. There definitely has a

0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:56.280
<v Speaker 1>level of adaptations that you have to do as individuals

0:18:56.359 --> 0:18:58.760
<v Speaker 1>and a level of understanding, and there's a lot of

0:18:58.800 --> 0:19:01.240
<v Speaker 1>emotions that come with this. There's a lot of jealousy

0:19:01.280 --> 0:19:04.120
<v Speaker 1>that comes along with for both parties. But I think

0:19:04.160 --> 0:19:05.679
<v Speaker 1>the number one thing is that you have to be

0:19:05.680 --> 0:19:08.159
<v Speaker 1>able to adapt to your your friend's situation. At the

0:19:08.240 --> 0:19:09.960
<v Speaker 1>end of the day, I couldn't just call her whenever

0:19:09.960 --> 0:19:11.520
<v Speaker 1>I want. She's not gonna be on the phone anymore

0:19:11.560 --> 0:19:14.320
<v Speaker 1>whenever I want, because she's looking after two children, she's

0:19:14.400 --> 0:19:16.719
<v Speaker 1>running a school. I can't just turn up and say, hey,

0:19:16.800 --> 0:19:18.439
<v Speaker 1>let's go and hang out for the weekend, much like

0:19:18.440 --> 0:19:20.359
<v Speaker 1>I do with Laura now. But I think if you

0:19:20.400 --> 0:19:24.000
<v Speaker 1>are really conscious of each other's friendships, and you check

0:19:24.040 --> 0:19:27.119
<v Speaker 1>in with yourself about where your friends are at, and

0:19:27.119 --> 0:19:28.920
<v Speaker 1>you're really honest and you're okay with it, I think

0:19:28.920 --> 0:19:32.360
<v Speaker 1>that friendships can last this time, They can last the distance,

0:19:32.400 --> 0:19:36.080
<v Speaker 1>but you both have to be very very conscious of

0:19:36.119 --> 0:19:38.720
<v Speaker 1>where your other person is at. When friendships, I mean,

0:19:38.760 --> 0:19:40.240
<v Speaker 1>you're I'm going to ask you in a second, but

0:19:40.280 --> 0:19:42.680
<v Speaker 1>I think where the friendships go wrong is where there's

0:19:42.680 --> 0:19:46.000
<v Speaker 1>no level of communication and there is a level of selfishness,

0:19:46.040 --> 0:19:48.160
<v Speaker 1>like I'm not okay with the fact that you're out

0:19:48.160 --> 0:19:50.080
<v Speaker 1>partying all the time when I'm stuck at home with kids,

0:19:50.160 --> 0:19:52.480
<v Speaker 1>or I'm not okay with the fact that you get

0:19:52.520 --> 0:19:54.560
<v Speaker 1>to have this love life and I'm alone on my

0:19:54.640 --> 0:19:56.359
<v Speaker 1>own all the time. So I think it's this level

0:19:56.359 --> 0:19:58.320
<v Speaker 1>of like just having open communication.

0:19:59.080 --> 0:20:03.639
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, into two qualities that probably are really important to mention.

0:20:03.720 --> 0:20:07.520
<v Speaker 2>One is expectations. What is your expectation when your friendship

0:20:07.640 --> 0:20:10.280
<v Speaker 2>changes when somebody has had a baby. Do you have

0:20:10.359 --> 0:20:13.560
<v Speaker 2>the level of insight and awareness to understand that friend

0:20:13.680 --> 0:20:16.840
<v Speaker 2>it's not personal. It's not that they don't like me anymore.

0:20:17.040 --> 0:20:20.919
<v Speaker 2>They physically are wiping poop off the walls and the

0:20:20.960 --> 0:20:24.080
<v Speaker 2>ceilings and the floors. They don't have time for coffee

0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:26.399
<v Speaker 2>and you know, you know, Margarita's at the bar like

0:20:26.440 --> 0:20:28.680
<v Speaker 2>they used to. And that's nothing to do with the

0:20:28.760 --> 0:20:31.080
<v Speaker 2>quality of our friendship or how much they like me.

0:20:31.359 --> 0:20:34.320
<v Speaker 2>So it involves a level of maturity which you would

0:20:34.320 --> 0:20:36.280
<v Speaker 2>hope someone would have at that age when you're starting

0:20:36.320 --> 0:20:38.959
<v Speaker 2>to have children, to understand, this is not a reflection

0:20:39.040 --> 0:20:41.040
<v Speaker 2>of our friendship. This is a reflection of the fact

0:20:41.040 --> 0:20:43.439
<v Speaker 2>that I just lack the time that are used to

0:20:43.520 --> 0:20:45.240
<v Speaker 2>have to go and do the same things that we

0:20:45.359 --> 0:20:47.760
<v Speaker 2>used to do. I guess the big thing in that though,

0:20:47.880 --> 0:20:51.440
<v Speaker 2>is just because it's not necessarily a reflection of the relationship.

0:20:51.520 --> 0:20:53.560
<v Speaker 2>So like I mean, and there's a big conversation around

0:20:53.600 --> 0:20:55.800
<v Speaker 2>here that it's not always a relationship. It can be

0:20:55.840 --> 0:20:58.520
<v Speaker 2>the circumstances, right, and they're two very different things to

0:20:58.560 --> 0:21:01.960
<v Speaker 2>try and identify. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt less.

0:21:02.280 --> 0:21:04.240
<v Speaker 2>And for the person who feels left behind in that

0:21:04.280 --> 0:21:06.520
<v Speaker 2>friendship or the person who feels like, well, my life

0:21:06.560 --> 0:21:09.439
<v Speaker 2>hasn't changed, but I've lost that person who was my

0:21:09.560 --> 0:21:13.080
<v Speaker 2>go to. It can be really, really hard, and yes,

0:21:13.119 --> 0:21:15.760
<v Speaker 2>it takes a level of maturity, but I don't think

0:21:15.800 --> 0:21:19.680
<v Speaker 2>that we can completely discount that. Like, it's still okay

0:21:19.800 --> 0:21:24.159
<v Speaker 2>to have feelings of jealousy or have feelings of warning

0:21:24.240 --> 0:21:26.520
<v Speaker 2>a relationship, because it can feel like a breakup, even

0:21:26.560 --> 0:21:28.919
<v Speaker 2>if it's not a breakup, it's just a shift. Oh,

0:21:29.480 --> 0:21:31.520
<v Speaker 2>bang on the nail on the head, head on the

0:21:31.600 --> 0:21:35.879
<v Speaker 2>nail on the nail, whatever it was you hit it, Flora,

0:21:36.560 --> 0:21:39.400
<v Speaker 2>that is exactly right. And the different types of jealousy,

0:21:39.760 --> 0:21:41.679
<v Speaker 2>you know, like that you mentioned that word because I

0:21:41.680 --> 0:21:44.960
<v Speaker 2>think people can kind of tap into that feeling and

0:21:45.000 --> 0:21:47.240
<v Speaker 2>there's a bit of shame associated with that. We don't

0:21:47.280 --> 0:21:50.240
<v Speaker 2>necessarily want to acknowledge it. We can feel really hurt,

0:21:50.359 --> 0:21:55.640
<v Speaker 2>we can feel left out, excluded, and those emotions really hurts.

0:21:55.680 --> 0:21:57.800
<v Speaker 2>You know. In your brain, we have this thing called

0:21:57.800 --> 0:22:00.280
<v Speaker 2>the anterior singular gyrus and that is the part of

0:22:00.280 --> 0:22:02.639
<v Speaker 2>your brain that lights up when somebody I don't know

0:22:02.840 --> 0:22:04.600
<v Speaker 2>kicks you in the shin. But it's also the same

0:22:04.640 --> 0:22:06.600
<v Speaker 2>part of your brain that lights up when you have

0:22:06.760 --> 0:22:10.360
<v Speaker 2>emotional pain. So your body actually your brain can't tell

0:22:10.359 --> 0:22:13.320
<v Speaker 2>the difference between physical and emotional pain. It can hurt

0:22:13.359 --> 0:22:15.600
<v Speaker 2>just as much. So like when we have a breakup,

0:22:16.000 --> 0:22:18.760
<v Speaker 2>like with a romantic partner, your body actually floods you

0:22:18.800 --> 0:22:21.160
<v Speaker 2>with a bunch of hormones that are like physical pain

0:22:21.200 --> 0:22:24.399
<v Speaker 2>receptors being turned on. It's so interesting that you say that,

0:22:24.440 --> 0:22:27.280
<v Speaker 2>because I think anybody who has been through a bad breakup,

0:22:27.720 --> 0:22:29.880
<v Speaker 2>anyone who has felt the pain of a bad breakup,

0:22:30.240 --> 0:22:33.119
<v Speaker 2>knows that goes beyond just feeling like it's in your

0:22:33.160 --> 0:22:35.800
<v Speaker 2>head or in your heart, like you really from anxiety

0:22:35.840 --> 0:22:39.320
<v Speaker 2>to feeling physically sick. It has a real physiological impact

0:22:39.320 --> 0:22:42.400
<v Speaker 2>on you. Yes, and so literally saying things like when

0:22:42.440 --> 0:22:44.159
<v Speaker 2>you have a partner or a friend who's gone through

0:22:44.160 --> 0:22:47.760
<v Speaker 2>a breakup, telling them to actually have a panodol helps

0:22:47.920 --> 0:22:50.639
<v Speaker 2>because their body their pain or Something'm not kidding.

0:22:50.920 --> 0:22:55.200
<v Speaker 1>I've been on Europe for six months now, I'm about

0:22:55.240 --> 0:22:56.360
<v Speaker 1>every painkiller.

0:22:56.000 --> 0:22:58.359
<v Speaker 2>And a girl like, I get it. I get it.

0:22:58.480 --> 0:23:01.080
<v Speaker 2>You know, I was there four weeks ago, and you physically,

0:23:01.119 --> 0:23:04.560
<v Speaker 2>your body hurts, your heart is deflated. You know, these

0:23:04.560 --> 0:23:07.280
<v Speaker 2>pain receptors in your body are actually going off. It's

0:23:07.359 --> 0:23:10.080
<v Speaker 2>really easy for us to assume that mental health is

0:23:10.080 --> 0:23:12.080
<v Speaker 2>a bit of you know, have a teaspoon of concrete

0:23:12.080 --> 0:23:14.720
<v Speaker 2>and hardened up with In society, we have a real

0:23:14.760 --> 0:23:19.560
<v Speaker 2>systemic issue with acknowledging emotional pain. But it's important to note, yeah,

0:23:19.640 --> 0:23:22.320
<v Speaker 2>it does really hurt when it comes to you know,

0:23:22.480 --> 0:23:26.359
<v Speaker 2>jealousy and being envious. And sometimes that's the core of

0:23:26.359 --> 0:23:28.919
<v Speaker 2>what's going on. When we've had a friend and you know,

0:23:28.960 --> 0:23:31.600
<v Speaker 2>I'm there, My sisters are all married with children, and

0:23:31.640 --> 0:23:34.920
<v Speaker 2>I'm you know, single and wanting those things, but I'm

0:23:34.920 --> 0:23:37.720
<v Speaker 2>not there yet. There is a bit of envy there.

0:23:37.720 --> 0:23:40.120
<v Speaker 2>There's a bit of like I want that for myself.

0:23:40.160 --> 0:23:42.760
<v Speaker 2>And I think jealousy is a word that it's caught

0:23:42.800 --> 0:23:46.320
<v Speaker 2>this negative connotation to it, and it's not necessarily a

0:23:46.320 --> 0:23:48.880
<v Speaker 2>bad thing. And in the book, if I can, I'll

0:23:48.920 --> 0:23:51.240
<v Speaker 2>mention like we've got a questionnaire in the book which

0:23:51.280 --> 0:23:54.760
<v Speaker 2>is about the different types of jealousy that you can feel,

0:23:54.960 --> 0:23:57.960
<v Speaker 2>and the Dutch have really nailed the terminology. So there's

0:23:58.000 --> 0:24:00.760
<v Speaker 2>two different types of jealousy. You can all envy that

0:24:00.800 --> 0:24:04.320
<v Speaker 2>you can feel, which is really wanting something that someone

0:24:04.320 --> 0:24:06.320
<v Speaker 2>else has achieved in their life, and that's not a

0:24:06.359 --> 0:24:08.679
<v Speaker 2>bad thing. It can be a lovely thing. It's so

0:24:08.840 --> 0:24:11.480
<v Speaker 2>interesting you say that, though, because you are so right.

0:24:11.720 --> 0:24:14.520
<v Speaker 2>We think of jealousy as being such a dirty emotion,

0:24:14.720 --> 0:24:17.760
<v Speaker 2>but we all can feel it at different times, and

0:24:17.800 --> 0:24:20.680
<v Speaker 2>it's how you react to a feeling. Having a feeling

0:24:20.720 --> 0:24:22.960
<v Speaker 2>doesn't make you a bad person, nor should you feel

0:24:22.960 --> 0:24:25.320
<v Speaker 2>guilty for it, but it's how do your actions then

0:24:25.359 --> 0:24:27.600
<v Speaker 2>flow on from that? But what is the what is

0:24:27.960 --> 0:24:31.480
<v Speaker 2>the Dutch the Dutch work? Yeah, so you've got beniagen.

0:24:32.480 --> 0:24:37.000
<v Speaker 2>I'm probably butchering this beniegened, which is benign envy, and

0:24:37.040 --> 0:24:39.560
<v Speaker 2>then you've got aft gunst, which is more of a

0:24:39.600 --> 0:24:43.800
<v Speaker 2>malicious intent. It's envy with a malicious intention to it.

0:24:44.160 --> 0:24:47.080
<v Speaker 2>So benegened envy. And there's a questionnaire in the book

0:24:47.080 --> 0:24:50.119
<v Speaker 2>where you can actually identify what type of envy are

0:24:50.119 --> 0:24:53.040
<v Speaker 2>you feeling for your friend? Is it benegen? Is it

0:24:53.200 --> 0:24:56.880
<v Speaker 2>a benign envy where you're just admiring what they've achieved

0:24:56.880 --> 0:24:58.919
<v Speaker 2>in their life and you would like you aspire to

0:24:58.960 --> 0:25:02.199
<v Speaker 2>that as well, which is a beautiful quality. That's probably

0:25:02.200 --> 0:25:04.560
<v Speaker 2>why you're friends with that person, because you admire what

0:25:04.560 --> 0:25:07.160
<v Speaker 2>they've done with their life and you share the same values.

0:25:07.200 --> 0:25:08.600
<v Speaker 2>I would like to be there too, one day, I

0:25:08.600 --> 0:25:12.080
<v Speaker 2>would like to have a beautiful marriage with communication and

0:25:12.160 --> 0:25:14.800
<v Speaker 2>an incredible partner and children one day. I think that's

0:25:14.840 --> 0:25:18.600
<v Speaker 2>a beautiful thing that you've achieved, whereas aft gunst would

0:25:18.600 --> 0:25:21.639
<v Speaker 2>be we've probably all been there. That's the toxic type

0:25:21.640 --> 0:25:23.720
<v Speaker 2>of relationship where you have that friend who's a bit

0:25:23.720 --> 0:25:27.760
<v Speaker 2>more like the frenemy, who lacks that respect for you fundamentally,

0:25:28.160 --> 0:25:32.560
<v Speaker 2>who maybe is passive aggressive, who's constantly undermining you, and

0:25:32.600 --> 0:25:35.600
<v Speaker 2>the words that are coming out of their mouths are hurtful,

0:25:35.880 --> 0:25:37.800
<v Speaker 2>and it causes you pain to hang out with that

0:25:37.840 --> 0:25:42.720
<v Speaker 2>person because underneath the layers there's this really insidious, i

0:25:42.760 --> 0:25:47.959
<v Speaker 2>suppose corrosive feeling going on where they're undermining you because

0:25:48.280 --> 0:25:51.760
<v Speaker 2>they've got that malicious feeling towards you. There's something that

0:25:51.880 --> 0:25:54.000
<v Speaker 2>brit said earlier which I'd love to kind of go

0:25:54.119 --> 0:25:56.280
<v Speaker 2>back to a little bit, and it's this idea that

0:25:56.600 --> 0:25:59.359
<v Speaker 2>and I'm sure everybody has felt this in their friendships.

0:25:59.480 --> 0:26:01.879
<v Speaker 2>Where we have so much going on in lives. We

0:26:02.040 --> 0:26:04.720
<v Speaker 2>just survived a pandemic. People are busy with their jobs,

0:26:04.760 --> 0:26:07.760
<v Speaker 2>people are busy with their families. So many of us

0:26:07.840 --> 0:26:09.919
<v Speaker 2>feel like in our own lives that we're up to

0:26:09.960 --> 0:26:12.440
<v Speaker 2>our eyeballs with our own stress or our own anxiety,

0:26:12.520 --> 0:26:14.840
<v Speaker 2>or our own feelings of overwhelm or whatever it is.

0:26:15.280 --> 0:26:17.879
<v Speaker 2>That then sometimes you feel like you're too at your

0:26:17.920 --> 0:26:21.480
<v Speaker 2>limit to take on somebody else's And you know, I

0:26:21.480 --> 0:26:24.119
<v Speaker 2>think a lot of us or at different times, may

0:26:24.160 --> 0:26:27.000
<v Speaker 2>have experienced friendships where the friendships are quite demanding in

0:26:27.040 --> 0:26:30.760
<v Speaker 2>that the other person's problem always seems like the bigger problem,

0:26:30.800 --> 0:26:33.800
<v Speaker 2>which and this can happen a lot in friendships when

0:26:33.920 --> 0:26:35.840
<v Speaker 2>one person has kids and the other person doesn't, it

0:26:35.880 --> 0:26:39.080
<v Speaker 2>can often feel one sided. Well, the person who has kids,

0:26:39.320 --> 0:26:41.920
<v Speaker 2>their problems are always the bigger problem because they've always

0:26:41.920 --> 0:26:44.439
<v Speaker 2>got something that's pressing in there. And now, how do

0:26:44.520 --> 0:26:46.159
<v Speaker 2>you work through that or how do you find a

0:26:46.200 --> 0:26:47.960
<v Speaker 2>good balance for yourself when you're at a point where

0:26:47.960 --> 0:26:49.919
<v Speaker 2>you're like, I can't physically take on any more of

0:26:50.000 --> 0:26:52.959
<v Speaker 2>other people's problems because I've got my own shit going on.

0:26:53.359 --> 0:26:55.200
<v Speaker 2>How do you do that? But in a kind and

0:26:55.240 --> 0:26:59.080
<v Speaker 2>compassionate way. It is tricky, and I've been there with

0:26:59.119 --> 0:27:02.159
<v Speaker 2>my My sisters are like my best mates, and it

0:27:02.200 --> 0:27:04.240
<v Speaker 2>is a little bit like that sometimes when there's a

0:27:04.320 --> 0:27:08.080
<v Speaker 2>relativity to issues and we only have so much emotional

0:27:08.119 --> 0:27:10.000
<v Speaker 2>capacity I don't know if you guys have heard with

0:27:10.119 --> 0:27:12.440
<v Speaker 2>like emotional will power. You know, you think of Barack

0:27:12.480 --> 0:27:16.439
<v Speaker 2>Obama or Mark Zuckerberg. They had this really nifty idea

0:27:16.480 --> 0:27:18.840
<v Speaker 2>where they're basically limiting the amount of choices that they

0:27:18.880 --> 0:27:20.880
<v Speaker 2>make in a day by wearing the same outfits again

0:27:20.920 --> 0:27:22.600
<v Speaker 2>and again and again. Because we have you know, it's

0:27:22.640 --> 0:27:24.560
<v Speaker 2>a bit like the mental load, right, you only have

0:27:24.640 --> 0:27:27.240
<v Speaker 2>so much emotional willpower. And we talk about this a

0:27:27.280 --> 0:27:31.199
<v Speaker 2>lot with things like neurodiversity. Your emotional cup and how

0:27:31.280 --> 0:27:33.640
<v Speaker 2>much you can carry in your emotional cup gets filled

0:27:33.720 --> 0:27:35.840
<v Speaker 2>up really quickly. And if you throw children in the

0:27:35.840 --> 0:27:37.560
<v Speaker 2>mix and a marriage in the mix, and you haven't

0:27:37.560 --> 0:27:39.159
<v Speaker 2>got a lot of room leftover, you haven't got a

0:27:39.160 --> 0:27:43.040
<v Speaker 2>lot of buffer leftover to manage somebody else's emotions. So,

0:27:43.400 --> 0:27:45.840
<v Speaker 2>you know, I think it's a little bit of patience

0:27:45.880 --> 0:27:48.879
<v Speaker 2>with yourself and forgiveness with yourself, understanding what are your

0:27:48.920 --> 0:27:51.040
<v Speaker 2>boundaries and what are your limits and how much have

0:27:51.119 --> 0:27:54.239
<v Speaker 2>you got to give sometimes being realistic about that, and

0:27:54.400 --> 0:27:57.919
<v Speaker 2>if it's stressing you out and running you ragged, to

0:27:58.040 --> 0:28:00.520
<v Speaker 2>try to book in the coffee date and to be

0:28:00.600 --> 0:28:03.040
<v Speaker 2>there for your friend when you're panicking about what's going

0:28:03.040 --> 0:28:06.199
<v Speaker 2>on at home, recognizing maybe you're just not in that

0:28:06.320 --> 0:28:09.400
<v Speaker 2>place right at that moment to be able to give

0:28:09.400 --> 0:28:13.640
<v Speaker 2>that emotional energy and that's okay. It's okay to have

0:28:13.720 --> 0:28:16.879
<v Speaker 2>those days. And then the opposite of that, the flip

0:28:16.920 --> 0:28:20.280
<v Speaker 2>side of that, is recognizing it's okay to carve out

0:28:20.359 --> 0:28:23.400
<v Speaker 2>space in your life and time in your life to

0:28:23.440 --> 0:28:26.720
<v Speaker 2>spend time with some friends and to have a break.

0:28:27.040 --> 0:28:28.520
<v Speaker 2>And I think you know, we talked about this a

0:28:28.560 --> 0:28:32.120
<v Speaker 2>little earlier. Women sometimes have a real problem with being

0:28:32.160 --> 0:28:35.639
<v Speaker 2>able to just give themselves the permission to continue to

0:28:35.680 --> 0:28:39.200
<v Speaker 2>maintain other parts of their identity and go, yeah, I

0:28:39.280 --> 0:28:41.520
<v Speaker 2>really I'm going to keep going to the gym, I'm

0:28:41.560 --> 0:28:43.640
<v Speaker 2>going to keep dancing, I'm going to keep seeing my

0:28:43.680 --> 0:28:45.680
<v Speaker 2>friends occasionally, and I'm going to carve out I'm going

0:28:45.720 --> 0:28:49.640
<v Speaker 2>to give myself this emotional space, this guilt free time

0:28:49.720 --> 0:28:51.880
<v Speaker 2>to say, from this hour to this hour. It's a

0:28:51.920 --> 0:28:54.520
<v Speaker 2>little bit like what we do sometimes in therapy is

0:28:54.520 --> 0:28:57.160
<v Speaker 2>is just accept a little bit of acceptance acceptance commitment

0:28:57.200 --> 0:29:00.520
<v Speaker 2>therapy where for this period of time, accepting that I'm

0:29:00.560 --> 0:29:03.240
<v Speaker 2>here right now, there's nothing else I can do. I

0:29:03.280 --> 0:29:04.800
<v Speaker 2>can't take care of the kids, I can't take care

0:29:04.840 --> 0:29:07.680
<v Speaker 2>of the business. I'm just here right now, in this moment,

0:29:08.080 --> 0:29:10.200
<v Speaker 2>and all I can do is be here with this person.

0:29:10.440 --> 0:29:13.480
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to give myself the permission to not worry

0:29:13.520 --> 0:29:15.920
<v Speaker 2>about that right now I'm in a park. It leave

0:29:16.040 --> 0:29:18.360
<v Speaker 2>that worry and concern over here, and it will be

0:29:18.400 --> 0:29:19.920
<v Speaker 2>there when I'm ready to pick it back up. That

0:29:20.000 --> 0:29:22.520
<v Speaker 2>worry will still be there. But here and now, in

0:29:22.560 --> 0:29:25.360
<v Speaker 2>this moment, I can be present with my friend, and

0:29:25.400 --> 0:29:27.280
<v Speaker 2>I can just be with this other soul.

0:29:27.760 --> 0:29:31.000
<v Speaker 1>I haven't really thought about it that much until right now. Actually,

0:29:31.000 --> 0:29:33.239
<v Speaker 1>as you were talking, I was having this realization. But

0:29:33.400 --> 0:29:38.080
<v Speaker 1>friendships are way more complex and way harder to navigate

0:29:38.120 --> 0:29:39.560
<v Speaker 1>than a relationship.

0:29:39.000 --> 0:29:39.360
<v Speaker 2>Isn't it.

0:29:39.640 --> 0:29:42.960
<v Speaker 1>Because I feel like when you're in a relationship, you

0:29:43.040 --> 0:29:44.720
<v Speaker 1>know you can go to that person, you know that

0:29:44.760 --> 0:29:46.600
<v Speaker 1>they're there, you know that they're you're confident, you know

0:29:46.640 --> 0:29:48.840
<v Speaker 1>if you're having a bad day, you're allowed to unload them.

0:29:48.960 --> 0:29:51.560
<v Speaker 1>Vice versa with friendships. And I was thinking, it's just

0:29:51.600 --> 0:29:54.680
<v Speaker 1>as you were talking, Laura, you don't want to be

0:29:54.800 --> 0:29:58.000
<v Speaker 1>that person. When you know yourself, you're like, oh, okay, well,

0:29:58.040 --> 0:30:00.600
<v Speaker 1>I don't have any room for other people problems. They

0:30:00.600 --> 0:30:02.840
<v Speaker 1>probably don't have room for mine either, And this is

0:30:02.840 --> 0:30:05.719
<v Speaker 1>something I've navigated the last sort of six eight months.

0:30:06.520 --> 0:30:07.920
<v Speaker 1>A lot of people in my life didn't know that

0:30:07.960 --> 0:30:10.760
<v Speaker 1>I was having a really, really fucking hard time because

0:30:10.800 --> 0:30:12.240
<v Speaker 1>I don't want to be that person where I'm like,

0:30:12.240 --> 0:30:14.640
<v Speaker 1>everyone's already got their problems, like everyone already has. I

0:30:14.640 --> 0:30:16.360
<v Speaker 1>don't want to unload. I don't want to tell anyone

0:30:16.360 --> 0:30:18.280
<v Speaker 1>that I'm struggling, or because you don't want to go

0:30:18.280 --> 0:30:20.360
<v Speaker 1>and be that person to a friend that's already going

0:30:20.360 --> 0:30:23.760
<v Speaker 1>through their own problems. How do you navigate that in

0:30:23.800 --> 0:30:25.840
<v Speaker 1>a friendship? How do you decide because you've got to

0:30:26.120 --> 0:30:30.600
<v Speaker 1>It's like the trickiest balance of any relationship of trying

0:30:30.600 --> 0:30:31.960
<v Speaker 1>to be like I'm trying to be a good friend

0:30:31.960 --> 0:30:33.760
<v Speaker 1>to you, but I need you now as well, but

0:30:33.760 --> 0:30:35.320
<v Speaker 1>I don't have anyone else to go to, Like, how

0:30:35.320 --> 0:30:37.000
<v Speaker 1>do you navigate these circumstances?

0:30:37.320 --> 0:30:39.040
<v Speaker 2>Well, I was gonna say just on what you said

0:30:39.040 --> 0:30:40.920
<v Speaker 2>as well, Britt. I think one of the hardest parts

0:30:40.960 --> 0:30:43.840
<v Speaker 2>of this is and that we've spoken a lot about

0:30:44.120 --> 0:30:46.600
<v Speaker 2>going into just becoming like a parent or like shifting

0:30:46.600 --> 0:30:50.120
<v Speaker 2>into that stage, but from the other perspective as well,

0:30:50.320 --> 0:30:53.160
<v Speaker 2>when you are single, and you rely therefore so much

0:30:53.200 --> 0:30:57.280
<v Speaker 2>more heavily on your friends. That's when this becomes a

0:30:57.400 --> 0:31:00.800
<v Speaker 2>much harder process to navigate, because like you've that support

0:31:00.840 --> 0:31:02.960
<v Speaker 2>person or you've lost that. And I think that we

0:31:03.040 --> 0:31:04.800
<v Speaker 2>plug into our friends in the same way that we

0:31:04.920 --> 0:31:08.000
<v Speaker 2>when we're single, that we would plug into a romantic relationship.

0:31:08.080 --> 0:31:10.040
<v Speaker 2>And so many of us have probably gone through when

0:31:10.040 --> 0:31:12.120
<v Speaker 2>one of our friends have gotten into a romantic relationship

0:31:12.160 --> 0:31:14.600
<v Speaker 2>and then we've lost them. They've just gone with their

0:31:14.640 --> 0:31:16.760
<v Speaker 2>fucking smoke one, but they've gone to love, they've got

0:31:16.880 --> 0:31:18.840
<v Speaker 2>they've got a boyfriend, and then we never saw them again.

0:31:19.000 --> 0:31:23.440
<v Speaker 1>You know, so many people do that rip hold your

0:31:23.480 --> 0:31:26.760
<v Speaker 1>funeral totally. I mean it's a hard question. I know,

0:31:26.800 --> 0:31:28.680
<v Speaker 1>we've just given you like a very hard question.

0:31:28.840 --> 0:31:31.360
<v Speaker 2>No, I mean there's so many different parts. So it's like, firstly,

0:31:31.880 --> 0:31:34.240
<v Speaker 2>in the book, I talk about, let's break down what

0:31:34.440 --> 0:31:37.520
<v Speaker 2>the heck is a friendship? What are the pillars of friendship?

0:31:37.800 --> 0:31:39.920
<v Speaker 2>And you know, I think they sit under the umbrella

0:31:39.960 --> 0:31:44.320
<v Speaker 2>of reciprocity, which is it doesn't mean transactional relationships. I

0:31:44.400 --> 0:31:46.240
<v Speaker 2>did this, so you did this, and I bought you this,

0:31:46.320 --> 0:31:48.800
<v Speaker 2>so you brought me this. That's kind of a more

0:31:48.840 --> 0:31:53.080
<v Speaker 2>immature understanding of reciprocity in a relationship, which is tit

0:31:53.160 --> 0:31:57.160
<v Speaker 2>for tat, Whereas a reciprocal relationship is one where there's

0:31:57.280 --> 0:32:01.080
<v Speaker 2>mutual interests, there's mutual caring, there's mutual empathy, and there's

0:32:01.080 --> 0:32:03.760
<v Speaker 2>a back and forth flow and sometimes it's a little

0:32:03.760 --> 0:32:05.800
<v Speaker 2>more from one person and sometimes it's a little less,

0:32:05.840 --> 0:32:09.240
<v Speaker 2>but it's a constant flow, and it's a constant willingness

0:32:09.240 --> 0:32:12.200
<v Speaker 2>and reaching out and a constant desire to be connected

0:32:12.200 --> 0:32:15.560
<v Speaker 2>with one another in whatever means that is. And I

0:32:15.560 --> 0:32:21.040
<v Speaker 2>think the pillars of friendship underneath is affection, respect, trust,

0:32:21.080 --> 0:32:24.000
<v Speaker 2>and support. So, brittany kind of what you're tapping into

0:32:24.080 --> 0:32:27.280
<v Speaker 2>there is we all have our own insecurities. We all

0:32:27.320 --> 0:32:29.880
<v Speaker 2>have our own core beliefs that sit deep down in

0:32:29.880 --> 0:32:32.160
<v Speaker 2>our hearts about what the way we believe the world

0:32:32.160 --> 0:32:35.040
<v Speaker 2>to be. These core beliefs, which are these filters that

0:32:35.120 --> 0:32:38.360
<v Speaker 2>brainwash us from a very young age, that tell us

0:32:38.440 --> 0:32:41.440
<v Speaker 2>how to interpret our world. And if way deep down

0:32:41.560 --> 0:32:43.920
<v Speaker 2>one of those triggers for you or those core beliefs

0:32:43.960 --> 0:32:46.800
<v Speaker 2>are things like not good enough for this is I

0:32:46.840 --> 0:32:50.160
<v Speaker 2>don't want to burden people. I'm a burden. My worries

0:32:50.160 --> 0:32:53.640
<v Speaker 2>are concerns are burdening people, or I'm unlikable or unlovable

0:32:53.640 --> 0:32:56.640
<v Speaker 2>in some way. The way in which we'll filter, we'll

0:32:56.720 --> 0:32:59.120
<v Speaker 2>see our friendships is to go they don't want to

0:32:59.160 --> 0:33:01.840
<v Speaker 2>hear about this, They're too busy to hear about this.

0:33:02.040 --> 0:33:06.520
<v Speaker 2>I'm a burden, and we're looking through our issues through

0:33:06.560 --> 0:33:10.880
<v Speaker 2>this lens of maybe maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe

0:33:10.920 --> 0:33:13.040
<v Speaker 2>a friend doesn't want to hear this. But I think

0:33:13.040 --> 0:33:15.360
<v Speaker 2>if you really reached out and had that trust with

0:33:15.400 --> 0:33:17.920
<v Speaker 2>your friend where you're like, hey, I'm actually having a

0:33:17.960 --> 0:33:21.400
<v Speaker 2>really tough time. I'm not feeling good, mate, I'm not

0:33:21.440 --> 0:33:24.920
<v Speaker 2>feeling it. My heart's hurting. I'm hurting. This has been

0:33:24.960 --> 0:33:28.960
<v Speaker 2>really hard for me, sort of almost that reaching out,

0:33:28.960 --> 0:33:31.360
<v Speaker 2>that flow of friendship I was talking about before, where

0:33:31.400 --> 0:33:34.760
<v Speaker 2>you reach out and say I'm not okay and trust

0:33:35.000 --> 0:33:37.840
<v Speaker 2>that that friend is there to catch you and say, yep,

0:33:37.960 --> 0:33:40.080
<v Speaker 2>I'm here for you. I'm going to sit with you.

0:33:40.480 --> 0:33:43.320
<v Speaker 2>Maybe I don't know exactly what to say, but I

0:33:43.320 --> 0:33:45.040
<v Speaker 2>can see you're in a dark place and I'm just

0:33:45.080 --> 0:33:47.280
<v Speaker 2>going to sit beside you while you're here right now,

0:33:49.120 --> 0:33:53.000
<v Speaker 2>do you think that there's links into how powerful vulnerability is,

0:33:53.080 --> 0:33:56.640
<v Speaker 2>because when somebody is seemingly fine, and when we present

0:33:56.680 --> 0:33:59.560
<v Speaker 2>that we're fine when we're not fine, that's not the

0:33:59.560 --> 0:34:01.520
<v Speaker 2>person that gets tended to. You know, if you put

0:34:01.520 --> 0:34:05.320
<v Speaker 2>on a hard exterior, people genuinely go, oh, they're right,

0:34:05.320 --> 0:34:07.520
<v Speaker 2>they're all right, move on with their day. But when

0:34:07.520 --> 0:34:10.759
<v Speaker 2>you sort of show your softer underbelly or show what's

0:34:10.800 --> 0:34:13.120
<v Speaker 2>happening in your life in a way of communicating that

0:34:13.160 --> 0:34:16.920
<v Speaker 2>to people who care about you, that vulnerability strengthens friendships.

0:34:16.920 --> 0:34:20.200
<v Speaker 2>It's strengthens bonds. Vulnerability is a great word because the

0:34:20.560 --> 0:34:23.400
<v Speaker 2>fear of wanting to I don't know, I guess you know.

0:34:24.080 --> 0:34:27.040
<v Speaker 2>I think in Australia we have and probably around the world.

0:34:27.200 --> 0:34:30.479
<v Speaker 2>The concept of friendship is this idea of having lots

0:34:30.480 --> 0:34:33.719
<v Speaker 2>of friends is to be cool, to be popular. The

0:34:33.920 --> 0:34:38.640
<v Speaker 2>essence of being cool is nonchalant, like too cool to care,

0:34:38.960 --> 0:34:42.960
<v Speaker 2>cool as a cucumber, don't rock the boat, there's no issues.

0:34:43.040 --> 0:34:45.600
<v Speaker 2>I'm the fun one. I'm the one who you know.

0:34:45.680 --> 0:34:48.200
<v Speaker 2>I've never worked up, I never complain about anything, and

0:34:48.200 --> 0:34:51.560
<v Speaker 2>I'm always positive. And you know, a lot of psychology

0:34:51.640 --> 0:34:54.520
<v Speaker 2>is about being a positive presence when you're around other people,

0:34:54.520 --> 0:34:56.600
<v Speaker 2>and they'll want to be around you. More, and this

0:34:56.760 --> 0:34:59.759
<v Speaker 2>fear that if I am real, if I say I'm

0:34:59.760 --> 0:35:02.080
<v Speaker 2>having a hard day, if I'm down one day and

0:35:02.120 --> 0:35:04.120
<v Speaker 2>I show this other I take my mask off and

0:35:04.160 --> 0:35:07.480
<v Speaker 2>I show this other part of myself which is feeling

0:35:07.480 --> 0:35:10.399
<v Speaker 2>really crummy and I'm feeling really low, that our friend

0:35:10.480 --> 0:35:12.440
<v Speaker 2>might not want to hang out with us anymore, and

0:35:12.480 --> 0:35:14.879
<v Speaker 2>they might not lie hanging out with us. And there's

0:35:14.920 --> 0:35:16.360
<v Speaker 2>a bit of a fear there where we're like, I

0:35:16.400 --> 0:35:19.279
<v Speaker 2>don't want to unload my burden or I don't want

0:35:19.360 --> 0:35:21.680
<v Speaker 2>to vent what's happening for me, because I don't want

0:35:21.680 --> 0:35:23.879
<v Speaker 2>you to think I'm a buzzkill, Like God forbid, you're

0:35:23.920 --> 0:35:26.920
<v Speaker 2>ever a buzzkill. And I guess that's where the trust

0:35:27.040 --> 0:35:29.160
<v Speaker 2>part of the friendship and the support part of the

0:35:29.160 --> 0:35:32.160
<v Speaker 2>friendship comes in. Of a true friendship is where you

0:35:32.239 --> 0:35:35.239
<v Speaker 2>can trust that that person has a safety net for you,

0:35:35.840 --> 0:35:39.000
<v Speaker 2>They're okay to hear what you're talking about, and you

0:35:39.440 --> 0:35:41.800
<v Speaker 2>feel the ability. And I think Brittany and Laura, you

0:35:41.800 --> 0:35:44.960
<v Speaker 2>guys have a beautiful friendship where you can trust each

0:35:45.000 --> 0:35:47.560
<v Speaker 2>other to say, like, hey, I having a tough day,

0:35:47.640 --> 0:35:50.320
<v Speaker 2>I'm having a hard time, and know that that person

0:35:50.440 --> 0:35:52.920
<v Speaker 2>is going to be able to support you in that

0:35:53.040 --> 0:35:54.880
<v Speaker 2>moment and you can trust that they're not going to

0:35:54.920 --> 0:35:56.319
<v Speaker 2>get annoyed. Oh yeah, we have.

0:35:56.440 --> 0:35:58.240
<v Speaker 1>I mean we have all levels of friendship, don't.

0:36:00.000 --> 0:36:01.719
<v Speaker 2>Totally. And the reason why we wanted to do this

0:36:01.760 --> 0:36:05.239
<v Speaker 2>episode is because when we met, I didn't have kids.

0:36:05.280 --> 0:36:07.440
<v Speaker 2>So when we met, I was pregnant, and then we

0:36:07.520 --> 0:36:09.239
<v Speaker 2>have weathered over the past two and a half years

0:36:09.280 --> 0:36:11.280
<v Speaker 2>or three, so three and a half years now starting

0:36:11.280 --> 0:36:16.160
<v Speaker 2>a business together, me having kids, different relationship stages for Brit, Like,

0:36:16.200 --> 0:36:18.239
<v Speaker 2>there's been a lot of change that's happened in both

0:36:18.239 --> 0:36:20.360
<v Speaker 2>our worlds. And it's interesting because I know that we

0:36:20.480 --> 0:36:22.560
<v Speaker 2>keep coming back to this conversation around kids, and that's

0:36:22.560 --> 0:36:24.560
<v Speaker 2>obviously because that's where I'm at in my life. But

0:36:25.400 --> 0:36:28.239
<v Speaker 2>we have had times where like I feel jealous of

0:36:28.480 --> 0:36:32.359
<v Speaker 2>BRIT's ability to live her life without being tied down,

0:36:32.480 --> 0:36:34.560
<v Speaker 2>you know, with her being able to go overseas or

0:36:34.800 --> 0:36:37.480
<v Speaker 2>go out for dinner, or her and produce a Keisha

0:36:37.560 --> 0:36:39.239
<v Speaker 2>have a really strong friendship because they can go out

0:36:39.280 --> 0:36:41.239
<v Speaker 2>for dinners and do things together, whereas I don't have

0:36:41.320 --> 0:36:44.359
<v Speaker 2>that freedom anymore. So I think it works both ways.

0:36:44.360 --> 0:36:47.439
<v Speaker 2>I think often we talk about how there's this want

0:36:47.520 --> 0:36:50.160
<v Speaker 2>when there's like somebody who doesn't have children or hasn't

0:36:50.440 --> 0:36:52.200
<v Speaker 2>isn't at that point in life. Yet we talk a

0:36:52.200 --> 0:36:55.239
<v Speaker 2>lot about looking in on somebody's family and wanting what

0:36:55.280 --> 0:36:58.080
<v Speaker 2>they have, whereas we never really also talk about the

0:36:58.080 --> 0:37:00.480
<v Speaker 2>flip side of that of people going well, but my

0:37:00.520 --> 0:37:03.320
<v Speaker 2>life has completely changed now and I miss some of

0:37:03.360 --> 0:37:05.520
<v Speaker 2>those things from my old identity that I used to

0:37:05.520 --> 0:37:08.360
<v Speaker 2>be able to do. So it works on both sides

0:37:08.400 --> 0:37:11.960
<v Speaker 2>of the spectrum. But the thing that's obviously kept our

0:37:12.000 --> 0:37:14.799
<v Speaker 2>friendship together is that we had this thing that we

0:37:14.840 --> 0:37:18.279
<v Speaker 2>work on that's our joint project that we always get

0:37:18.320 --> 0:37:20.400
<v Speaker 2>to come back to, and which means we have to

0:37:20.400 --> 0:37:23.399
<v Speaker 2>see each other multiple times a week, Whereas if we

0:37:23.400 --> 0:37:25.839
<v Speaker 2>were just friends that didn't have the work to come

0:37:25.880 --> 0:37:27.880
<v Speaker 2>back to, we wouldn't see each other as much as

0:37:27.880 --> 0:37:29.879
<v Speaker 2>what we do, And that wouldn't be because we don't

0:37:29.920 --> 0:37:31.880
<v Speaker 2>love each other, but it would be because this is

0:37:31.920 --> 0:37:34.960
<v Speaker 2>the thing that means that we have a responsibility and accountability.

0:37:35.640 --> 0:37:38.319
<v Speaker 2>But kind of coming to that point, how can we

0:37:38.440 --> 0:37:43.040
<v Speaker 2>be more intentional with our friendships? Yeah, that's actually really

0:37:43.200 --> 0:37:46.680
<v Speaker 2>a beautiful model of friendship there. Because we talked earlier

0:37:46.680 --> 0:37:50.680
<v Speaker 2>about that didactic profile of your identity and where you

0:37:50.840 --> 0:37:52.680
<v Speaker 2>put your identity. If you guys have ever seen Ben

0:37:52.719 --> 0:37:57.799
<v Speaker 2>diagrams overlapping circles, You've got that friendship circle overlapping with

0:37:57.920 --> 0:38:00.120
<v Speaker 2>our business circle. And in the middle is that this

0:38:00.160 --> 0:38:03.840
<v Speaker 2>beautiful sweet spot where you get time together because you

0:38:03.920 --> 0:38:06.400
<v Speaker 2>have over shared interests and you have a shared investment,

0:38:06.560 --> 0:38:08.320
<v Speaker 2>which is a great nifty way. So I don't know

0:38:08.320 --> 0:38:12.520
<v Speaker 2>if anyone's listening, start a podcast with your friend everyone podcast.

0:38:13.160 --> 0:38:15.799
<v Speaker 2>You're double spoking if I may. In the book, I

0:38:15.840 --> 0:38:19.520
<v Speaker 2>talk about friendships and how you can maintain a solid

0:38:19.520 --> 0:38:22.759
<v Speaker 2>relationship with friendships, and it helps if your friends are

0:38:22.760 --> 0:38:24.719
<v Speaker 2>also friends with each other. So we think of like

0:38:24.760 --> 0:38:27.799
<v Speaker 2>a wheel and the spokes of a wheel connecting other

0:38:27.840 --> 0:38:30.200
<v Speaker 2>friends to each other and not just to you. Then

0:38:30.239 --> 0:38:32.480
<v Speaker 2>it's not just reliant on you to maintain that friendship.

0:38:32.520 --> 0:38:34.759
<v Speaker 2>But if your friends also know each other, then they're

0:38:34.760 --> 0:38:37.120
<v Speaker 2>gonna sort out occasions to get together too, and it

0:38:37.120 --> 0:38:39.719
<v Speaker 2>takes the pressure off you. You're double spoking in the

0:38:39.719 --> 0:38:41.960
<v Speaker 2>sense that's a double spoke friendship where your friends are

0:38:41.960 --> 0:38:44.520
<v Speaker 2>also friends with one another. What you've double spoked with

0:38:44.719 --> 0:38:47.279
<v Speaker 2>is by having a friendship and a business together where

0:38:47.320 --> 0:38:49.480
<v Speaker 2>you're overlapping in that sense too, So you're spending time

0:38:49.520 --> 0:38:52.120
<v Speaker 2>together in that way too, And that's an awesome, nifty

0:38:52.200 --> 0:38:55.239
<v Speaker 2>way of you know, solidify. Yeah, like let's go and

0:38:55.320 --> 0:38:57.440
<v Speaker 2>learn SOLSA together. Let's do an eight week course of

0:38:57.440 --> 0:39:00.279
<v Speaker 2>soulsa together, or let's go and do pottery together. Let's

0:39:00.280 --> 0:39:02.680
<v Speaker 2>commit to something. This is why people love their boot camps,

0:39:02.719 --> 0:39:04.760
<v Speaker 2>you know, committing with a friend to six am boot

0:39:04.760 --> 0:39:07.080
<v Speaker 2>camp because then you know, you have to get up

0:39:07.080 --> 0:39:09.919
<v Speaker 2>at six am because someone's holding you to account. Can

0:39:09.960 --> 0:39:12.640
<v Speaker 2>you carve out a time that you can commit to

0:39:12.960 --> 0:39:15.719
<v Speaker 2>something that forces you guys to sit in the same

0:39:15.800 --> 0:39:18.200
<v Speaker 2>room together and you have to be there at five

0:39:18.239 --> 0:39:22.560
<v Speaker 2>o'clock on a Friday at whatever, you know, twice a

0:39:22.640 --> 0:39:24.600
<v Speaker 2>month something like that, where you're going to see each other.

0:39:24.640 --> 0:39:27.120
<v Speaker 2>That's a that's a beautiful way of maintaining a friendship.

0:39:27.400 --> 0:39:29.719
<v Speaker 1>We've spoken a lot about. I think one of the

0:39:29.760 --> 0:39:32.799
<v Speaker 1>major transitions in friendships is when one starts to move

0:39:32.800 --> 0:39:35.240
<v Speaker 1>away and settle down and have the kids and someone

0:39:35.320 --> 0:39:37.279
<v Speaker 1>is single. I think that that is obviously a very

0:39:37.360 --> 0:39:40.680
<v Speaker 1>very major part of friendship transitions. But what are some

0:39:40.719 --> 0:39:44.080
<v Speaker 1>of the other ones that people might face in their friendships?

0:39:44.080 --> 0:39:47.360
<v Speaker 1>I guess that could be like things like career moves, progression,

0:39:47.520 --> 0:39:48.320
<v Speaker 1>moving into state.

0:39:49.400 --> 0:39:51.960
<v Speaker 2>I actually want us to say, like what, Laura, you know, Laura,

0:39:51.960 --> 0:39:54.240
<v Speaker 2>you just mentioned before we talked a little bit about

0:39:54.400 --> 0:39:56.359
<v Speaker 2>you know, and both Britt and I are like single little

0:39:56.440 --> 0:39:58.480
<v Speaker 2>children and you've got children, and it it feels a

0:39:58.560 --> 0:40:01.239
<v Speaker 2>bit like single heavy. But I wanted to acknowledge what

0:40:01.280 --> 0:40:03.600
<v Speaker 2>you said before about we don't talk the other way

0:40:03.640 --> 0:40:06.440
<v Speaker 2>around about I don't have this free time like you have,

0:40:06.560 --> 0:40:09.160
<v Speaker 2>and I'm envious of that beautiful relationship like Britt a

0:40:09.239 --> 0:40:11.440
<v Speaker 2>Keisha have created. I don't have the time to just

0:40:11.520 --> 0:40:13.920
<v Speaker 2>drop everything and come out to the bar or come

0:40:13.960 --> 0:40:16.480
<v Speaker 2>out to dinner. There's a few key moments in life

0:40:16.520 --> 0:40:19.360
<v Speaker 2>that until you have been through it, you just don't

0:40:19.440 --> 0:40:21.840
<v Speaker 2>get it, and we have to accept that. Like some

0:40:21.960 --> 0:40:24.760
<v Speaker 2>formative ones are things like the first time you've had sex.

0:40:24.800 --> 0:40:27.680
<v Speaker 2>You know, until you've done it, you don't get it.

0:40:27.840 --> 0:40:29.680
<v Speaker 1>Sometimes you do it, you still don't get it.

0:40:33.160 --> 0:40:38.719
<v Speaker 2>We all shouldn't be laughing, so, you know, things like

0:40:39.040 --> 0:40:41.319
<v Speaker 2>on a saddest side, things like experiencing a death in

0:40:41.360 --> 0:40:44.440
<v Speaker 2>the family or a death in the friendship, being pregnant,

0:40:44.960 --> 0:40:48.600
<v Speaker 2>having a child, being married, It's like there's a line,

0:40:48.960 --> 0:40:52.919
<v Speaker 2>and until you have crossed that line and had that experience,

0:40:53.480 --> 0:40:56.239
<v Speaker 2>you just don't really understand what it's about. And I

0:40:56.239 --> 0:40:58.840
<v Speaker 2>think it can be it can be hard whatever stage

0:40:58.880 --> 0:41:02.319
<v Speaker 2>you go through, whether it's traveling, whether it's partners, whether

0:41:02.360 --> 0:41:06.040
<v Speaker 2>it's marriage, children, whatever it is, we have to kind

0:41:06.080 --> 0:41:09.720
<v Speaker 2>of accept that there is unknown for one party compared

0:41:09.719 --> 0:41:12.080
<v Speaker 2>to the other. We can't know exactly what it's like

0:41:12.480 --> 0:41:14.160
<v Speaker 2>to walk a day in your shoes and to live

0:41:14.480 --> 0:41:16.880
<v Speaker 2>what you live. I really love that you said, and

0:41:16.920 --> 0:41:19.719
<v Speaker 2>I think it's one that we absolutely haven't touched on

0:41:19.760 --> 0:41:22.319
<v Speaker 2>it and really should have, is experiencing a death in

0:41:22.360 --> 0:41:27.120
<v Speaker 2>the family, experiencing the magnitude of grief we struggle, and

0:41:27.160 --> 0:41:30.080
<v Speaker 2>we've spoken about this on a past episode with Led

0:41:30.320 --> 0:41:32.400
<v Speaker 2>when we touched on grief. But I think as a

0:41:32.400 --> 0:41:38.080
<v Speaker 2>society we avoid negative feelings, so we are often fearful

0:41:38.120 --> 0:41:40.600
<v Speaker 2>of somebody who's experienced death, of asking like how they

0:41:40.640 --> 0:41:43.960
<v Speaker 2>truly feel, for fear of triggering them being upset, not

0:41:44.040 --> 0:41:46.840
<v Speaker 2>realizing that they're probably always thinking about it, especially in

0:41:46.840 --> 0:41:50.319
<v Speaker 2>those initial days and weeks. Anyway, But I mean I

0:41:50.480 --> 0:41:54.680
<v Speaker 2>have spoken to people who have been through significant deaths

0:41:54.880 --> 0:41:57.799
<v Speaker 2>and something that somebody close to them, and I'm thinking

0:41:57.800 --> 0:42:00.920
<v Speaker 2>of one specific time close and it said, like, I

0:42:01.000 --> 0:42:03.080
<v Speaker 2>understand how you feel because I've been through a really

0:42:03.120 --> 0:42:06.680
<v Speaker 2>bad breakup and almost comparing a bad breakup where they

0:42:06.719 --> 0:42:08.680
<v Speaker 2>felt like it was a death to them to an

0:42:08.719 --> 0:42:12.800
<v Speaker 2>actual death. And how hugely problematic sometimes trying to compare

0:42:12.840 --> 0:42:15.359
<v Speaker 2>your circumstances because you want to relate, because you want

0:42:15.400 --> 0:42:18.400
<v Speaker 2>to connect, but how that actually can be even more isolating,

0:42:18.400 --> 0:42:20.680
<v Speaker 2>because there truly are some things in life that until

0:42:20.719 --> 0:42:23.480
<v Speaker 2>you've lived it, you will not know, and a death

0:42:23.520 --> 0:42:26.920
<v Speaker 2>and a breakup will never ever be the same. Sometimes

0:42:26.960 --> 0:42:31.319
<v Speaker 2>just accepting I don't get this because I haven't experienced it,

0:42:31.400 --> 0:42:33.560
<v Speaker 2>and I'm not going to try. I think there's a

0:42:33.680 --> 0:42:38.680
<v Speaker 2>risk of belittling the experience if we try to artificially empathize.

0:42:38.719 --> 0:42:40.759
<v Speaker 2>I think that's exactly it. Like you completely hit the

0:42:40.840 --> 0:42:42.560
<v Speaker 2>nail on the head, and it really just brings me

0:42:42.600 --> 0:42:46.040
<v Speaker 2>back to that comparison. You're trying to connect by making well,

0:42:46.040 --> 0:42:49.560
<v Speaker 2>somebody who might make that connection is trying to connect,

0:42:49.880 --> 0:42:53.280
<v Speaker 2>But truly, all that's doing is minimizing that person's pain

0:42:53.640 --> 0:42:56.920
<v Speaker 2>by connecting with your pain. One thing before we do

0:42:57.120 --> 0:42:59.520
<v Speaker 2>kind of wrap this up. How important do you think

0:42:59.560 --> 0:43:02.560
<v Speaker 2>it is to have people in your life who are

0:43:02.560 --> 0:43:05.680
<v Speaker 2>in the same phase of life, So for mums to

0:43:05.719 --> 0:43:08.240
<v Speaker 2>be friends with mums, for people who are experiencing grief

0:43:08.360 --> 0:43:11.560
<v Speaker 2>to connect with people who've experienced grief, for single people

0:43:11.560 --> 0:43:14.440
<v Speaker 2>to have single friends. Whatever life looks like for you,

0:43:14.520 --> 0:43:16.960
<v Speaker 2>how important is it for your community to reflect your

0:43:17.360 --> 0:43:21.080
<v Speaker 2>phase of life. I think you're talking about having a tribe,

0:43:21.400 --> 0:43:23.560
<v Speaker 2>and I think it's so important. I think there is

0:43:23.719 --> 0:43:28.880
<v Speaker 2>a lot of happiness derived from a sense of community

0:43:29.320 --> 0:43:33.000
<v Speaker 2>and a sense of connectedness and having some spokes on

0:43:33.040 --> 0:43:36.040
<v Speaker 2>your darn wheel where you feel connected to multiple people.

0:43:36.400 --> 0:43:39.480
<v Speaker 2>More people you have, the bigger your net feels. If

0:43:39.520 --> 0:43:42.000
<v Speaker 2>you fall, you've got someone there to catch you. And

0:43:42.040 --> 0:43:44.239
<v Speaker 2>there can be a lot of pressure. It's easy to

0:43:44.239 --> 0:43:46.800
<v Speaker 2>connect with someone who is the same place of life.

0:43:46.840 --> 0:43:48.799
<v Speaker 2>You know, the bonds that you would form in a

0:43:48.800 --> 0:43:50.680
<v Speaker 2>mother's group, or the bonds you would form in an

0:43:50.680 --> 0:43:54.520
<v Speaker 2>early business group, especially during COVID when you're worried you're

0:43:54.520 --> 0:43:58.360
<v Speaker 2>going to lose the business. You're almost like forging through trauma.

0:43:58.400 --> 0:44:01.400
<v Speaker 2>A bond with those people can be so very strong.

0:44:01.840 --> 0:44:04.239
<v Speaker 2>But the pressure to find somebody who's in the same

0:44:04.280 --> 0:44:07.360
<v Speaker 2>space of life might be hard, especially when we're adults,

0:44:07.360 --> 0:44:10.520
<v Speaker 2>it is hard to find time to make friends. But

0:44:10.719 --> 0:44:12.759
<v Speaker 2>taking the pressure off and being able to say, like,

0:44:12.840 --> 0:44:15.680
<v Speaker 2>I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I'm

0:44:15.680 --> 0:44:17.680
<v Speaker 2>going to try and help you in other ways, and

0:44:17.719 --> 0:44:20.880
<v Speaker 2>those other ways might be tell me what that feels like,

0:44:21.239 --> 0:44:23.160
<v Speaker 2>tell me about it, what was it like for you?

0:44:23.480 --> 0:44:25.480
<v Speaker 2>And putting the hand on the back. You know, the

0:44:25.520 --> 0:44:27.760
<v Speaker 2>power of putting your hand on someone's back and rubbing

0:44:27.840 --> 0:44:30.160
<v Speaker 2>circles on their back can be huge.

0:44:30.400 --> 0:44:33.480
<v Speaker 1>I think to sort of come full circle on this,

0:44:33.600 --> 0:44:35.920
<v Speaker 1>and we have for anyone that hasn't heard it, we

0:44:36.000 --> 0:44:39.280
<v Speaker 1>did do the episode about ending friendships. We've talked about

0:44:39.360 --> 0:44:41.799
<v Speaker 1>trying to navigate the friendships and maintain the friendships when

0:44:41.840 --> 0:44:43.719
<v Speaker 1>you go in different paths. But how do you know

0:44:43.800 --> 0:44:46.960
<v Speaker 1>when it's time to say, maybe this one has run

0:44:47.000 --> 0:44:48.920
<v Speaker 1>its course, or maybe this isn't going to be one

0:44:48.920 --> 0:44:51.800
<v Speaker 1>of those lifelong friendships and maybe we are just too different.

0:44:52.120 --> 0:44:55.360
<v Speaker 1>How do you go about figuring out when something's not

0:44:55.480 --> 0:44:57.560
<v Speaker 1>serving you anymore to the point of maybe it's time

0:44:57.600 --> 0:44:58.120
<v Speaker 1>to walk away?

0:44:58.440 --> 0:45:01.480
<v Speaker 2>For me, Yeah, a good question. I mean, I'm obviously

0:45:01.480 --> 0:45:06.719
<v Speaker 2>I'm a psychologist, so I advocate always, always for inner reflection, introspection,

0:45:07.080 --> 0:45:10.279
<v Speaker 2>looking inside yourself to find out what's going on. So

0:45:11.120 --> 0:45:14.680
<v Speaker 2>discussing those feelings if I have I'm a psychologist who

0:45:14.719 --> 0:45:17.520
<v Speaker 2>has a psychologist, So I'd say, if you're really grappling

0:45:17.760 --> 0:45:19.800
<v Speaker 2>with you know, a seven year friendship or a twenty

0:45:19.840 --> 0:45:22.279
<v Speaker 2>year friendship, and you're considering do I want to have

0:45:22.520 --> 0:45:24.919
<v Speaker 2>a breakup with a friend? Yeah, you know, get the book,

0:45:24.960 --> 0:45:27.239
<v Speaker 2>have a read through it, but maybe it's time to

0:45:27.640 --> 0:45:29.720
<v Speaker 2>talk to the GP, get a mental health care plan

0:45:29.880 --> 0:45:32.399
<v Speaker 2>and see a psychologist and have a few sessions where

0:45:32.400 --> 0:45:35.920
<v Speaker 2>you can really do yourself the credit and the justice

0:45:35.960 --> 0:45:39.200
<v Speaker 2>of talking this through with somebody in a dedicated space.

0:45:39.360 --> 0:45:43.880
<v Speaker 2>I can't under emphasize how helpful those avenues are at

0:45:43.920 --> 0:45:45.520
<v Speaker 2>the end of the day. A really quick and easy

0:45:45.560 --> 0:45:48.480
<v Speaker 2>signpost is how do you feel? What is your gut

0:45:48.520 --> 0:45:52.720
<v Speaker 2>instinct telling you? And we get really good in modern

0:45:52.800 --> 0:45:56.000
<v Speaker 2>society to push our gut instinct down. You know, the

0:45:56.280 --> 0:46:00.000
<v Speaker 2>screams and the shouts of anxiety and stress and sadness

0:46:00.520 --> 0:46:03.880
<v Speaker 2>are so loud, and the pressure that we feel to

0:46:04.320 --> 0:46:07.600
<v Speaker 2>maintain something or do something or just say yes, commit more,

0:46:07.719 --> 0:46:11.040
<v Speaker 2>do more, give more, be more, is huge, and we

0:46:11.160 --> 0:46:14.240
<v Speaker 2>push down that tiny little whisper of your gut instinct

0:46:14.239 --> 0:46:17.560
<v Speaker 2>that tells you what's right for you, what's actually working

0:46:17.600 --> 0:46:20.600
<v Speaker 2>for you, and what's hurting you. It's a tiny little

0:46:20.600 --> 0:46:24.080
<v Speaker 2>whisper deep down. So you know, if you're walking away

0:46:24.120 --> 0:46:27.120
<v Speaker 2>from a relationship or an interaction with friends or anyone

0:46:27.440 --> 0:46:30.920
<v Speaker 2>and you're feeling crummy and crappy and drained and worse

0:46:30.960 --> 0:46:34.000
<v Speaker 2>than before you entered the interaction, that's a pretty good

0:46:34.040 --> 0:46:37.040
<v Speaker 2>sign post that something's not working for you in that relationship.

0:46:37.360 --> 0:46:43.400
<v Speaker 2>And if you've already exhausted all your avenues of talking, expectations, processing, jealousy,

0:46:43.440 --> 0:46:46.799
<v Speaker 2>all of those things, that might be an indication that

0:46:47.000 --> 0:46:49.600
<v Speaker 2>the friendship has come to a place where your orbits

0:46:49.920 --> 0:46:52.680
<v Speaker 2>have gotten so far apart. Maybe they'll come together again

0:46:52.719 --> 0:46:56.719
<v Speaker 2>one day, maybe they won't. But it's okay for you

0:46:56.800 --> 0:47:00.920
<v Speaker 2>to adjust your effort levels in a really specful manner

0:47:01.120 --> 0:47:03.279
<v Speaker 2>where you're just not putting in as much time or

0:47:03.400 --> 0:47:06.400
<v Speaker 2>energy because you simply don't have it anymore. Doctor Hannah,

0:47:06.440 --> 0:47:09.520
<v Speaker 2>It is always an absolute joy having you on the podcast.

0:47:09.600 --> 0:47:12.040
<v Speaker 2>We appreciate you taking the time so much, but just

0:47:12.120 --> 0:47:14.680
<v Speaker 2>genuinely the way you speak about friendships, putting things that

0:47:15.239 --> 0:47:17.239
<v Speaker 2>all of us feel, all of us navigate, all of

0:47:17.320 --> 0:47:20.320
<v Speaker 2>us have to deal with in our day to day lives.

0:47:20.320 --> 0:47:23.640
<v Speaker 2>So putting it in a way one that's very sciency

0:47:24.120 --> 0:47:26.200
<v Speaker 2>but also very palatable and just makes a lot of sense.

0:47:26.320 --> 0:47:28.880
<v Speaker 2>Is so it's so refreshing to have somebody break that

0:47:28.960 --> 0:47:31.239
<v Speaker 2>down for us. And we love speaking with you the

0:47:31.280 --> 0:47:33.080
<v Speaker 2>first time. I think I've loved this one even more.

0:47:33.280 --> 0:47:34.880
<v Speaker 2>But thank you so much for coming back and being

0:47:34.920 --> 0:47:37.080
<v Speaker 2>part of the podcast. Thank you for having me guys,

0:47:37.080 --> 0:47:39.760
<v Speaker 2>And if I can quickly tack on, I just wanted

0:47:39.760 --> 0:47:42.400
<v Speaker 2>to say thank you so much for as if I

0:47:42.440 --> 0:47:46.200
<v Speaker 2>can be like a community representative, thank you for everything

0:47:46.239 --> 0:47:48.520
<v Speaker 2>you guys do. I've been watching your journey for a

0:47:48.560 --> 0:47:52.000
<v Speaker 2>while now, and you guys bust your us all the community,

0:47:52.000 --> 0:47:54.400
<v Speaker 2>the amount of stuff you have done. And you know,

0:47:54.840 --> 0:47:57.040
<v Speaker 2>last year I saw like all the different podcasts you

0:47:57.080 --> 0:47:59.160
<v Speaker 2>were doing, and all of that emotional load that must

0:47:59.160 --> 0:48:01.920
<v Speaker 2>have gone into helping all those people talking to all

0:48:01.960 --> 0:48:04.360
<v Speaker 2>those people. You guys haven't had an easy run like

0:48:04.400 --> 0:48:06.960
<v Speaker 2>I sometimes imagine I sit and imagine go I wonder

0:48:07.239 --> 0:48:09.680
<v Speaker 2>how that affected them when that happened, or when that

0:48:09.680 --> 0:48:12.560
<v Speaker 2>person said that thing, or when somebody heat this shit

0:48:12.640 --> 0:48:18.799
<v Speaker 2>on them about something so infuriatingly stupid. I'm like, you

0:48:18.880 --> 0:48:22.840
<v Speaker 2>guys are just the most incredible community members who have

0:48:22.960 --> 0:48:27.040
<v Speaker 2>done so much for literally thousands and thousands of people.

0:48:27.120 --> 0:48:29.160
<v Speaker 2>I listened to your episodes and I'm like, feel like

0:48:29.200 --> 0:48:31.759
<v Speaker 2>these guys are like sisters, you know, And there's so

0:48:31.840 --> 0:48:33.880
<v Speaker 2>many women out there who would be like, you know,

0:48:33.960 --> 0:48:36.080
<v Speaker 2>you don't know me, but I know you, and you've

0:48:36.120 --> 0:48:38.719
<v Speaker 2>helped me so much. You didn't have to do. I

0:48:38.760 --> 0:48:41.239
<v Speaker 2>think this is being a creative, Like I never put

0:48:41.320 --> 0:48:43.719
<v Speaker 2>anything out into the community before, and I've put a

0:48:43.760 --> 0:48:46.560
<v Speaker 2>book out now and you don't realize you don't have

0:48:46.680 --> 0:48:49.040
<v Speaker 2>to do this, And I just wanted to say thank

0:48:49.080 --> 0:48:52.560
<v Speaker 2>you for doing that. It's hana, It has actually touched

0:48:52.640 --> 0:48:58.560
<v Speaker 2>a We're so incredibly lucky. Like the community has created itself,

0:48:58.680 --> 0:49:01.719
<v Speaker 2>Like the content created the content, and the community has

0:49:01.760 --> 0:49:04.200
<v Speaker 2>created itself. And that's the being the most powerful thing

0:49:04.239 --> 0:49:07.320
<v Speaker 2>about Lafe fun Cut is we've been having the conversations,

0:49:07.360 --> 0:49:10.160
<v Speaker 2>but the people who have, like all of you guys

0:49:10.160 --> 0:49:12.120
<v Speaker 2>who listen, all of you guys who in the Facebook group,

0:49:12.160 --> 0:49:15.520
<v Speaker 2>every single one of you who extend that conversation and

0:49:15.800 --> 0:49:17.680
<v Speaker 2>have it in your own homes with your own friends

0:49:17.880 --> 0:49:21.359
<v Speaker 2>or point more is towards episodes that you think might

0:49:21.400 --> 0:49:23.920
<v Speaker 2>help someone. That's where this community has grown from, and

0:49:23.960 --> 0:49:26.480
<v Speaker 2>that is incredible. But speaking of your book, How to

0:49:26.520 --> 0:49:29.319
<v Speaker 2>Break Up with Friends, if anybody wants to learn more

0:49:29.360 --> 0:49:33.000
<v Speaker 2>about how to navigate friendships, how to maybe remove yourself

0:49:33.040 --> 0:49:35.040
<v Speaker 2>from a toxic friendship, which we all know can be

0:49:35.080 --> 0:49:37.799
<v Speaker 2>incredibly hard, we'll put the links to doctor Hannah's book

0:49:37.840 --> 0:49:39.520
<v Speaker 2>and where you can find her on Instagram in the

0:49:39.560 --> 0:49:40.120
<v Speaker 2>show notes.

0:49:40.520 --> 0:49:42.240
<v Speaker 1>Thanks Hannah, You're an absolute legend.

0:49:42.560 --> 0:49:44.480
<v Speaker 2>Stopad, You're the best. Thanks guys.

0:49:46.719 --> 0:49:49.480
<v Speaker 1>You guys know we never finish an episode without our

0:49:49.640 --> 0:49:52.480
<v Speaker 1>suck and our sweet, our highlight and our lowlight, the

0:49:52.560 --> 0:49:54.719
<v Speaker 1>best and the worst of our week. If you knew

0:49:54.920 --> 0:49:56.440
<v Speaker 1>sometimes these are huge things.

0:49:56.520 --> 0:49:58.040
<v Speaker 2>If you are Hibbini.

0:49:57.840 --> 0:49:59.520
<v Speaker 1>For a long time, you know that sometimes these are

0:49:59.600 --> 0:50:02.560
<v Speaker 1>very in significant things. Either way, Where I have a

0:50:02.640 --> 0:50:05.600
<v Speaker 1>two minute complaint and a two minute little grateful moment,

0:50:05.719 --> 0:50:06.120
<v Speaker 1>do you.

0:50:06.080 --> 0:50:09.200
<v Speaker 2>Know you were just talking like this at the start.

0:50:09.239 --> 0:50:11.480
<v Speaker 2>We're doing our suck and sweet and I quite liked it.

0:50:11.560 --> 0:50:14.240
<v Speaker 1>I think my voice is still a bit changing for breathy,

0:50:14.680 --> 0:50:17.359
<v Speaker 1>it's a breath a pandemic, breathy.

0:50:17.160 --> 0:50:18.719
<v Speaker 2>Finish it on a sex high.

0:50:18.920 --> 0:50:20.880
<v Speaker 1>That's the only sex wee getting is my breathiness.

0:50:20.960 --> 0:50:23.320
<v Speaker 2>Oh, we can talk about your dating life on Thursday's

0:50:23.320 --> 0:50:25.279
<v Speaker 2>episode if you like. I feel like I have a

0:50:25.320 --> 0:50:31.840
<v Speaker 2>few questions. Yeah, yeah, okay, I hang around for that. Guys,

0:50:31.920 --> 0:50:34.759
<v Speaker 2>it's coming. Take it off. What you suck? Okay, my

0:50:34.840 --> 0:50:36.560
<v Speaker 2>suck for the week is that? My suck for the

0:50:36.560 --> 0:50:38.680
<v Speaker 2>week happened? Just then? I got a phone call from

0:50:38.760 --> 0:50:41.759
<v Speaker 2>daycare about fifteen minutes ago saying that Marley has a

0:50:41.800 --> 0:50:43.680
<v Speaker 2>temperature and she needs to be picked up.

0:50:43.800 --> 0:50:45.120
<v Speaker 1>Yes, we have to cut the record.

0:50:45.280 --> 0:50:48.120
<v Speaker 2>Sure everyone knows that. When you see your daycare's number

0:50:48.160 --> 0:50:51.240
<v Speaker 2>flashing on your phone, you're like, oh, what has happened?

0:50:51.320 --> 0:50:52.640
<v Speaker 1>Something's gone down.

0:50:52.920 --> 0:50:54.880
<v Speaker 2>So yeah, but the reason why she has a fever

0:50:54.960 --> 0:50:57.399
<v Speaker 2>today is because yesterday we had a birthday party for her.

0:50:57.480 --> 0:50:58.879
<v Speaker 2>So she had a great day. We had a three

0:50:58.960 --> 0:51:02.160
<v Speaker 2>year old birthday party. There was so much food, There

0:51:02.239 --> 0:51:03.200
<v Speaker 2>was so much rose.

0:51:03.480 --> 0:51:06.840
<v Speaker 1>Food was so great. The catering on the three odds birthday.

0:51:07.000 --> 0:51:10.080
<v Speaker 1>I mean, like we're talking things like hot dogs and burgers,

0:51:10.120 --> 0:51:13.560
<v Speaker 1>but they were like fancy, like French buns.

0:51:13.600 --> 0:51:16.440
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, I had like four burgers only the best

0:51:16.440 --> 0:51:18.520
<v Speaker 2>for Mally May, except four burgers were like the size

0:51:18.560 --> 0:51:21.200
<v Speaker 2>of one burger because they were slighters. They were slighters. Yeah, yes,

0:51:21.320 --> 0:51:24.120
<v Speaker 2>it was so. Molly's birthday was a week ago, and

0:51:24.160 --> 0:51:26.160
<v Speaker 2>like I told you all, I lied to her and

0:51:26.200 --> 0:51:28.120
<v Speaker 2>now she knows, well, I mean, she doesn't know that

0:51:28.120 --> 0:51:30.640
<v Speaker 2>her birthday was lied about. But she got party bags.

0:51:30.800 --> 0:51:33.759
<v Speaker 2>We had pinadas, we had all the things. It was very,

0:51:33.840 --> 0:51:35.640
<v Speaker 2>very lovely, and it's so nice, Like I mean, I

0:51:35.680 --> 0:51:37.439
<v Speaker 2>feel like a lot of our friends are from all

0:51:37.480 --> 0:51:40.640
<v Speaker 2>different little walks of life, Like we've got friends from work,

0:51:40.640 --> 0:51:43.600
<v Speaker 2>we've got friends from daycare, we've got friends from the park,

0:51:43.680 --> 0:51:46.920
<v Speaker 2>we've got work. Like it was weird, so she just

0:51:46.960 --> 0:51:50.680
<v Speaker 2>put me in the word friend category for anyone wondering

0:51:50.719 --> 0:51:53.320
<v Speaker 2>what happened. I said work twice, and then I pointed

0:51:53.320 --> 0:51:55.080
<v Speaker 2>at you again. I was like, we've got friends and work,

0:51:55.320 --> 0:51:58.719
<v Speaker 2>and then I work and I work. Clearly I need

0:51:58.760 --> 0:52:01.399
<v Speaker 2>some more friends after that episode. No, but it's nice

0:52:01.440 --> 0:52:04.319
<v Speaker 2>to have everyone come together and for everyone to be

0:52:04.320 --> 0:52:06.399
<v Speaker 2>able to meet each other before we have the wedding

0:52:06.480 --> 0:52:09.040
<v Speaker 2>as well, because sometimes it's weird when you've got to

0:52:09.120 --> 0:52:11.480
<v Speaker 2>do small talk and meet all these different people, and

0:52:11.520 --> 0:52:13.279
<v Speaker 2>it just was just the most beautiful day. It was

0:52:13.320 --> 0:52:15.200
<v Speaker 2>a great day, except that Mali was in a feral

0:52:15.239 --> 0:52:17.480
<v Speaker 2>mood from the first moment that we left. And usually

0:52:17.560 --> 0:52:19.279
<v Speaker 2>when you do birthday parties or things like that, for

0:52:19.320 --> 0:52:21.640
<v Speaker 2>a three year old birthday party, you just spend all

0:52:21.680 --> 0:52:24.080
<v Speaker 2>your time chasing children around. But it actually felt like

0:52:24.120 --> 0:52:26.560
<v Speaker 2>I got to have at least one or two semi

0:52:26.640 --> 0:52:27.960
<v Speaker 2>decent conversations in there.

0:52:28.160 --> 0:52:30.560
<v Speaker 1>I must admit I had a little bit of jealousy

0:52:30.640 --> 0:52:33.800
<v Speaker 1>fomo when I wasn't allowed to do the pinana when.

0:52:33.600 --> 0:52:34.600
<v Speaker 2>All the kids were lining up.

0:52:34.680 --> 0:52:36.200
<v Speaker 1>These are all two and three year olds, sort of

0:52:36.200 --> 0:52:36.520
<v Speaker 1>thing like.

0:52:36.480 --> 0:52:37.359
<v Speaker 2>A one year old in there.

0:52:37.400 --> 0:52:38.920
<v Speaker 1>I was like, I wonder if any of the adults

0:52:38.960 --> 0:52:40.720
<v Speaker 1>get to have ago. It's been a while since I've pinana.

0:52:40.760 --> 0:52:42.319
<v Speaker 1>But no, it was a really lovely day.

0:52:42.520 --> 0:52:44.359
<v Speaker 2>What is your sweet? No? What is your suck?

0:52:44.440 --> 0:52:48.719
<v Speaker 1>Brittany three years running, Laurie, Still my suck would be

0:52:50.120 --> 0:52:53.520
<v Speaker 1>yesterday I just had. I've only just gone back out

0:52:53.520 --> 0:52:55.480
<v Speaker 1>into the world last couple of days, so like, I

0:52:55.480 --> 0:52:57.200
<v Speaker 1>feel like I'm finding my feet again. I feel like

0:52:57.239 --> 0:53:01.760
<v Speaker 1>I'm Bambi. I spilt three coffees. I got three coffees. Yesterday,

0:53:01.760 --> 0:53:04.439
<v Speaker 1>I sput three coffees, every single coffee, one all down

0:53:04.480 --> 0:53:07.600
<v Speaker 1>my clothes, one somehow on my face, one through my car,

0:53:07.719 --> 0:53:10.800
<v Speaker 1>and then one on the table in we're doing an interview,

0:53:10.840 --> 0:53:12.440
<v Speaker 1>all over my table, all over the carpet.

0:53:12.719 --> 0:53:13.879
<v Speaker 2>I think you might need to go to the doctors

0:53:13.920 --> 0:53:14.200
<v Speaker 2>about that.

0:53:14.719 --> 0:53:15.960
<v Speaker 1>I was like, what is happening?

0:53:16.000 --> 0:53:17.319
<v Speaker 2>But then I couldn't figure it out.

0:53:17.360 --> 0:53:19.640
<v Speaker 1>A few people wrote to me, They're like, you literally

0:53:19.680 --> 0:53:22.560
<v Speaker 1>have COVID brain fog. Like it's a thing apparently for

0:53:23.280 --> 0:53:25.719
<v Speaker 1>sometimes a week, sometimes two weeks, sometimes three weeks. Some

0:53:25.719 --> 0:53:27.880
<v Speaker 1>people have it long COVID. But it's like you actually,

0:53:28.280 --> 0:53:30.600
<v Speaker 1>maybe it's what the same the equivalent of baby brain.

0:53:30.719 --> 0:53:32.960
<v Speaker 1>I don't know, but apparently it's a bit of a

0:53:32.960 --> 0:53:34.960
<v Speaker 1>thing where your brain still doesn't function. So that's I'm

0:53:34.960 --> 0:53:36.680
<v Speaker 1>gonna use this for a while. Every time I make mistakes.

0:53:36.640 --> 0:53:39.440
<v Speaker 2>It was excuse before COVID then nothing.

0:53:41.160 --> 0:53:42.920
<v Speaker 1>But I will use this for as long as I

0:53:43.080 --> 0:53:43.759
<v Speaker 1>hold on to it.

0:53:43.800 --> 0:53:45.759
<v Speaker 2>And what was your highlight for the week. I'm gonna

0:53:45.800 --> 0:53:47.520
<v Speaker 2>rattle off a few. I'm gonna go rogue. It's a

0:53:47.560 --> 0:53:48.520
<v Speaker 2>great week to be alive.

0:53:49.120 --> 0:53:51.200
<v Speaker 1>We just did a really cool photo shoot this morning.

0:53:51.239 --> 0:53:53.600
<v Speaker 1>Laura and I we never actually do anything together, but

0:53:53.640 --> 0:53:56.279
<v Speaker 1>we went and we had some fun. We've got some

0:53:56.320 --> 0:53:58.160
<v Speaker 1>things to announce in the coming week, so that that

0:53:58.239 --> 0:53:59.040
<v Speaker 1>was really fun.

0:53:59.200 --> 0:54:02.600
<v Speaker 2>We have something very exciting to announce on Friday, and

0:54:02.600 --> 0:54:03.680
<v Speaker 2>we're announcing that with.

0:54:04.200 --> 0:54:05.920
<v Speaker 1>The photo we took at the photo shoot today. That

0:54:06.080 --> 0:54:06.239
<v Speaker 1>is what.

0:54:06.920 --> 0:54:08.520
<v Speaker 2>We have been teasing this for a little while, but

0:54:08.560 --> 0:54:11.200
<v Speaker 2>it's coming on Friday and we're so excited. We can't

0:54:11.200 --> 0:54:11.880
<v Speaker 2>wait to share it with you.

0:54:12.000 --> 0:54:15.319
<v Speaker 1>It'll be on our instagrams on Friday, so make sure

0:54:15.440 --> 0:54:16.839
<v Speaker 1>you keep your eyes out and.

0:54:16.800 --> 0:54:20.040
<v Speaker 2>We yeah, we just can't wait. It's just a long

0:54:20.080 --> 0:54:21.600
<v Speaker 2>time coming, but we just can'not wait to.

0:54:21.560 --> 0:54:23.960
<v Speaker 1>Finally share it with you. So that's that's definitely a sweet.

0:54:24.200 --> 0:54:26.640
<v Speaker 1>Another sweet is Laura and I am both going on

0:54:26.719 --> 0:54:31.000
<v Speaker 1>holiday this coming Friday. So we've got one more episode

0:54:31.040 --> 0:54:32.960
<v Speaker 1>coming out next week and then we're gonna have a

0:54:33.040 --> 0:54:35.320
<v Speaker 1>few sneaky weeks off. We're both going over to Bali.

0:54:35.560 --> 0:54:37.280
<v Speaker 1>We're gonna have a very like we're not coming together,

0:54:37.320 --> 0:54:39.239
<v Speaker 1>like we're going to Bali, but we are like happy to.

0:54:39.160 --> 0:54:41.440
<v Speaker 2>Break We're going to the same country, but we're just

0:54:41.520 --> 0:54:46.040
<v Speaker 2>like not seeing each other. Laura's like, no, I don't

0:54:46.040 --> 0:54:47.840
<v Speaker 2>want to see you. I'm like, I have Mammy on

0:54:47.920 --> 0:54:52.080
<v Speaker 2>my holiday. No, I work friend, work friends day away.

0:54:52.080 --> 0:54:54.799
<v Speaker 1>We're not working, No, but we're both independently going to Bali.

0:54:54.840 --> 0:54:57.160
<v Speaker 1>But that's really exciting. And then my third week, So

0:54:57.160 --> 0:54:57.960
<v Speaker 1>I've got three this week.

0:54:58.000 --> 0:55:00.200
<v Speaker 2>Okay, that is one hundred percent cheating. You can say

0:55:00.200 --> 0:55:00.960
<v Speaker 2>one for next week.

0:55:01.360 --> 0:55:03.239
<v Speaker 1>That's too late, Oh I could, But I've got the

0:55:03.280 --> 0:55:06.400
<v Speaker 1>Thall premiere tonight. So Thall's Australian premiere. So I'm really

0:55:06.440 --> 0:55:08.960
<v Speaker 1>excited to, yeah, get dressed up and go out again

0:55:09.000 --> 0:55:10.879
<v Speaker 1>and try and feel like semi normal again.

0:55:11.040 --> 0:55:12.480
<v Speaker 2>Is this when you're gonna go and try and rub

0:55:12.520 --> 0:55:14.600
<v Speaker 2>yourself on Liam Hemsworth? Is that what's gonna happen?

0:55:14.760 --> 0:55:16.640
<v Speaker 1>I'm wondering if he's there, I'm like, how supportive are

0:55:16.680 --> 0:55:19.759
<v Speaker 1>the family of each other really be? There? Will he

0:55:19.880 --> 0:55:26.400
<v Speaker 1>be rubbable against approach, against my genitals, against my genitalia?

0:55:26.600 --> 0:55:28.960
<v Speaker 2>Anyway? Guys, that is it from ours. We hope that

0:55:29.000 --> 0:55:30.640
<v Speaker 2>you enjoyed the episode. We know it was a really

0:55:30.640 --> 0:55:32.839
<v Speaker 2>long one and a biggie for you today, but there

0:55:32.840 --> 0:55:34.680
<v Speaker 2>were so many things that we really wanted to cover

0:55:34.880 --> 0:55:37.560
<v Speaker 2>and we love making it so we love talking, so

0:55:37.640 --> 0:55:38.759
<v Speaker 2>here we are. If you made it all the way

0:55:38.800 --> 0:55:39.360
<v Speaker 2>to the end.

0:55:39.360 --> 0:55:42.360
<v Speaker 1>Please keep your ask gun cuts coming into life un

0:55:42.400 --> 0:55:43.719
<v Speaker 1>Cut podcast Instagram.

0:55:43.920 --> 0:55:46.760
<v Speaker 2>Also you're accidentally unfiltered confessionals.

0:55:46.920 --> 0:55:49.279
<v Speaker 1>Any story that you think we would want to know

0:55:49.400 --> 0:55:51.879
<v Speaker 1>or you think that's funny, and also your ask gun

0:55:51.880 --> 0:55:55.680
<v Speaker 1>Cut aftermaths. If we have ever done an ask gun

0:55:55.680 --> 0:55:58.120
<v Speaker 1>cut on you or a friend or you know, and

0:55:58.160 --> 0:56:00.239
<v Speaker 1>there is something that we can follow up, we really

0:56:00.239 --> 0:56:01.600
<v Speaker 1>want to know about it. So if you can send

0:56:01.640 --> 0:56:04.239
<v Speaker 1>those in put ask gun cut follow up or aftermath

0:56:04.320 --> 0:56:06.040
<v Speaker 1>or whatever you want, and then we can bring you some

0:56:06.040 --> 0:56:07.040
<v Speaker 1>more of those episodes.

0:56:07.080 --> 0:56:09.560
<v Speaker 2>And don't forget to tell your mum, tell your dad,

0:56:09.640 --> 0:56:12.360
<v Speaker 2>tell your dog, tell your friends. And Chad laugh because

0:56:12.480 --> 0:56:17.200
<v Speaker 2>oh my god, you do well. You just throw a

0:56:17.239 --> 0:56:18.640
<v Speaker 2>spanner in the works.