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Speaker 1: The Rise and Conquer Podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of

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Speaker 1: the land which this episode is being recorded, the yugen

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Speaker 1: Bah region. We further acknowledge country throughout Australia and their

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Speaker 1: connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect

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Speaker 1: to their elders past and present and extend that respect

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Speaker 1: to all Aboriginal and Terrestride Islander peoples. Today. Hello, and

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Speaker 1: welcome back to the Rise and Conquer Podcasts. This is

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Speaker 1: the podcast for ordinary people who want to do extraordinary things.

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Speaker 2: Putting yourselves in new environments. So if you have a

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Speaker 2: separ breaker and go, you know what, our issues are

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Speaker 2: there and they're in the kitchen sink. But let's go

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Speaker 2: and have a day trip and just have fun, us

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Speaker 2: to and reconnect and just be really present with each

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Speaker 2: other and just enjoy the day and we can come

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Speaker 2: back and chip it this away another time. Is just

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Speaker 2: the best thing you can do. And that's scary, by

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Speaker 2: the way, to like say that.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Rise and Conquer Podcast. It is

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Speaker 1: your host, Georgie Stevenson, lawyer turned entrepreneur, business owner, new

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Speaker 1: mum all the things. On today's show, we sit down

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Speaker 1: with the amazing Simmy Gosling the founder of jar Academy

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Speaker 1: and Simmy is a holistic relationship counselor and has a

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Speaker 1: mission to teach people how to navigate modern relationships and

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Speaker 1: turn them into a place of healing. So basically, guys,

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Speaker 1: we were so interested in asking Simmy so many relationship questions,

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Speaker 1: but I wanted to know what you guys wanted to

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Speaker 1: so we popped a thread in the Facebook group and

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Speaker 1: we had so many good questions and Simmy really gave

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Speaker 1: some incredible advice. So we chat about attachment styles, love languages,

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Speaker 1: how to communicate your needs in a relationship, if you

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Speaker 1: can recover from a toxic relationship, if you can recover

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Speaker 1: from cheating, how to keep your spark alive, and so

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Speaker 1: much more. This episode is amazing for anyone looking to

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Speaker 1: deepen their connections in a relationship, whether it's romantic or not.

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Speaker 1: So grateful to have Simmy on the potty and I

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Speaker 1: know you guys are just going to love this episode.

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Speaker 1: But before we get into the show, a quick week update.

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Speaker 1: Hello producer Tia. Hello, so a Tia. I went to

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Speaker 1: NUSA on the weekend and how was it? It was fab?

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Speaker 1: Me and Tim do the thing every time we go

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Speaker 1: to NUSA, We're like, should we move? He no, the

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Speaker 1: whole warehouse. I know, well, Alex said she'd be keen.

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Speaker 3: I know Alex LOVESNOOS. I love NUSA too. It's like

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Speaker 3: you forget how good it is and then you go.

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Speaker 1: There and you're like, oh, it's just a bit of

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Speaker 1: a vibe. It's it's a whole vibe. But then I

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Speaker 1: said to Tim, is this going to be a situation

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Speaker 1: where you move there and it kind of loses it

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Speaker 1: spark because you'll, you know, because it's exciting because you

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Speaker 1: never go there. But then again, I thought that about

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Speaker 1: the Gold Coast and that I moved here, and I

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Speaker 1: was like, no, I'm obsessed. But anyway, that was amazing.

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Speaker 1: We celebrated a wedding. It was beautiful, and it was

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Speaker 1: kind of really nice to have some you know, talking

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Speaker 1: about relationships, just some Me and Tim time, which is

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Speaker 1: very rare these day was Ivy. His parents came to

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Speaker 1: our house and looked after her, so they had some

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Speaker 1: Mibi time. And then also, guys, if you're listening in

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Speaker 1: real time and H's Black Friday Sale has officially started.

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Speaker 1: It started at eight am today or starting today if

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Speaker 1: you're listening before eight am. You're keen bean and oh

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Speaker 1: my god, it's epic. There is up to fifty percent

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Speaker 1: off and there is an exclusive moon milk mystery flavor

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Speaker 1: in the app and it tastes about to say, have

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Speaker 1: you tried it?

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Speaker 3: I have, and I love it. And my dad, who

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Speaker 3: was very fussy, is obsessed with it.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, you know what's Tim's dad? We got

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Speaker 1: home on Sunday and he were just like Tim's parents

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Speaker 1: were just telling me, telling us about IVY and then

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Speaker 1: Tim's dad goes, oh, and I tried that moon milk

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Speaker 1: in there, the one with the stickers. I didn't even

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Speaker 1: know what flavor it was, and he's like, it's my favorite. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And it was like telling me how obsessed he is

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Speaker 1: with it. He's so good. He's such a sweet tooth though,

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Speaker 1: so I knew he would like it. It is the

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Speaker 1: flavor exactly like because obviously you now know the flavor.

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Speaker 1: Is it exactly like the flavor?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: You know what I mean?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it tastes exactly what you'd expect if you knew

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Speaker 3: the flavor.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I did you have trouble guessing it? Though?

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Speaker 1: Oh wait, did you know before I knew before.

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Speaker 3: Oh okay, my family had a little bit of trouble

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Speaker 3: guessing it. But as soon as you tell them, it's like,

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Speaker 3: oh right, of course.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so creamy, it's so delicious. And guys, that's

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Speaker 1: a Black Friday exclusive, so makes you get onto that

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Speaker 1: and get like multiple because you keep right now, it's

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Speaker 1: honestly my favorite flavor. And I had a girl message

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Speaker 1: me and she's like, bit, what if I don't like it?

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Speaker 1: And I'm like, honestly, send it back because I'll have it.

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Speaker 1: Trust me. When I will say, the whole team of

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Speaker 1: people that'll take it. There's so many people that will

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Speaker 1: take it. But yes, very exciting week, very quickly. A

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Speaker 1: tear what about you?

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Speaker 3: Nothing too crazy. I was just trying to get a

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Speaker 3: bit of chill time in before December, because I.

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Speaker 1: Have some busy weekends in December, don't we all? The

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Speaker 1: best of season is officially upon us.

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Speaker 3: It just goes crazy. But I did try to do

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Speaker 3: a bit of a diy which went, well, oh yeah,

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Speaker 3: it just hurt my arms.

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Speaker 1: A tear is she's basically a carpenter at that way, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: where's my trade? She made some travetine bedside tables and

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Speaker 1: they look fat. Thank you. I love that for me,

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Speaker 1: very proud of you. You'll have to show the Facebook

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Speaker 1: group because I'll.

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Speaker 3: Put it up in Facebook. And then I've set myself

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Speaker 3: a challenge. I want to try and do a headboard

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Speaker 3: in about two weeks time.

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Speaker 1: Oh amazing. Yeah, we'll put that up as well. All right, guys,

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Speaker 1: let's get into the episode. Hello Simmy and welcome to

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Speaker 1: the Rise and Conquered Podcast.

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Speaker 2: Hi Jody, thank you so much for having me.

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Speaker 1: I'm so bloody excited. We have a juicy epp and

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Speaker 1: I feel like, you know, these are all things that

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Speaker 1: people may not want to talk to their friends about

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Speaker 1: or you know, they can be very intimate, vulnerable things.

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Speaker 1: So I'm so excited to have you on the potty

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Speaker 1: and I think we're just going to get right into it.

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Speaker 2: I love it. I'm so excited to hear what people

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Speaker 2: want to know.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, well let's do it. So but what I did,

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Speaker 1: Simmi is I polled my community and I was just like, guys,

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Speaker 1: we're getting simeon. You know, she's an expert in relationships,

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Speaker 1: a holistic relationship counselor. To be very specific, what do

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Speaker 1: you guys want to know. And so what I've done is,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, Simmy, we had so many questions. So

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Speaker 1: what I did is I kind of put them under

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Speaker 1: titles and yeah, we're going to get straight into it.

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Speaker 1: So the first thing I want to attaut to you

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Speaker 1: about is basically like attachment styles and communication, because this

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Speaker 1: is going to be, you know, so huge in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: And my first question for you is, how does someone

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Speaker 1: normalize being their own person in a relationship with someone

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Speaker 1: who's got maybe you know, an abandonment or an attachment wound.

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Speaker 2: Well, this is the thing I think that we kind

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Speaker 2: of get really caught up in like the label of

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Speaker 2: I'm an avoidant and I'm an anxious But the real

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Speaker 2: like cracks of it is that where people who have

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Speaker 2: either avoidant tendencies or anxious atifencies, we're not that whole person.

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Speaker 2: And I think when we get stuck on the labels,

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Speaker 2: we don't realize that we can actually come up with

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Speaker 2: ways to come home to ourselves and self regulate ourselves

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Speaker 2: to move towards a more secure attachment style. So I

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Speaker 2: think if you're a partner who is working with someone

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Speaker 2: who is going through an attachment style This can be

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Speaker 2: quite difficult because you don't know how to support them.

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Speaker 2: And the truth is, and the biggest thing I always

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Speaker 2: say is that people actually know their relationships better than

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Speaker 2: anyone else. The best thing that you can do is

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Speaker 2: take off your mask and provide a comfortable, safe situation

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Speaker 2: for your partner to be able to talk openly and

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Speaker 2: honestly about where this has come from, how they might

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Speaker 2: need support, and then continuing to encourage that partner to

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Speaker 2: get external support from themselves, whether it be through reading

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Speaker 2: material online or doing relationship shadow work questions or seeing

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Speaker 2: a therapist, depending on what level of care is needed.

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Speaker 1: So interesting, So obviously giving them the space and then

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Speaker 1: going deeper, what would be your recommendation for someone who

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Speaker 1: can maybe see their partner definitely has I don't want

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Speaker 1: to use the word ad normal, but you know they

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Speaker 1: can tell just maybe something's a bit off with the

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Speaker 1: way they react, or you know, maybe they are very attached.

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Speaker 1: Like what's your sort of per first? Sorry, go to.

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Speaker 2: Okay, So if I had to give you guys, like

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Speaker 2: a little bit of a template here, I think like

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Speaker 2: the best thing to always do is to say, like, hey,

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Speaker 2: I'm noticing this behavior and it's making me feel this way,

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Speaker 2: because we always in communication want to make it about

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Speaker 2: how we feel, not going you did this and you're

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Speaker 2: like this and shaming them for what they're experiencing. So

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Speaker 2: I was talking about how it's affecting us. We're actually

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Speaker 2: inviting them to kind of come to the table rather

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Speaker 2: than put on their fight or flight system. So we

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Speaker 2: want to explain to them how it's affecting us and

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Speaker 2: how it's making us feel. The second thing that I

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Speaker 2: would do in that situation is always when you have

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Speaker 2: difficult conversations, always make it clear that the relationship isn't threatened.

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Speaker 2: When people feel threatened, they instantly go into defen But

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Speaker 2: if you say, I want this relationship to go the

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Speaker 2: full way, what can we do and how can we

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Speaker 2: come about create correcting this behavior, and then try and

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Speaker 2: strategize with them and try and make it not feel

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Speaker 2: like you need to go get help and you need

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Speaker 2: to do this, so it comes as like a team

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Speaker 2: building exercise rather than shaming one individual.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so true. Another thing that's kind of, you know,

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Speaker 1: even coming off the back of that, is I think

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Speaker 1: sometimes it's hard to express, you know, your heart desires

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Speaker 1: or your you know your truth and you know your

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Speaker 1: needs in the relationship. If you're kind of a bit

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Speaker 1: fearful for how that person may act or just you know,

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Speaker 1: not knowing how they may act, what would someone do

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Speaker 1: in that situation.

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Speaker 2: See, it's quite funny because I think with what I teach,

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Speaker 2: so I teach a lot about conscious relationships. And in

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Speaker 2: conscious relationships, it's basically like there's you, your partner, and

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Speaker 2: then like the relationship needs, and it's about kind of

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Speaker 2: taking a step back and thinking of it as almost

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Speaker 2: like a pop plant, like what do we need to

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Speaker 2: do to make this pop plant grow? And the first

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Speaker 2: thing that comes with conscious relationships is like working with

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Speaker 2: the individual, So working with yourself and making sure that

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Speaker 2: you know how to like self regulate, that you've done

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Speaker 2: your shadow work, are your self aware? Do you have

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Speaker 2: self compassion for yourself? Which is a big one because

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Speaker 2: if we're in a bad mood and we beat ourselves

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Speaker 2: up for it, when our partner's in a bad mood,

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Speaker 2: we don't know how to handle it. So by going

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Speaker 2: back and starting with the individual and getting that sense

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Speaker 2: of security in yourself, like, it's fantastic because you find

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Speaker 2: a way that you can actually stay really firm in

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Speaker 2: you and who you are, and communicate what you want

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Speaker 2: because you know, okay, even if this person says, like,

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Speaker 2: you know, this is annoying and I hate this and

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Speaker 2: I don't want to do this, like at least now one,

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Speaker 2: you know, so you can make your decisions for yourself accordingly.

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Speaker 2: And two when you actually become the more secure one

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Speaker 2: and say, okay, that's fine, but something does need to change,

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Speaker 2: you're also holding your ground and you're not self abandoning

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Speaker 2: yourself and your actual needs in the relationship hoping that

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Speaker 2: it's going to be received. Well. So yeah, it's a

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Speaker 2: chicky one.

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Speaker 1: That's so true, though, I feel like on such great

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Speaker 1: advice of like something I always say is like keep

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Speaker 1: your side of the street clean of like, you know,

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Speaker 1: make sure you're doing your own inner work and working

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Speaker 1: on yourself. And that's like, you know, when someone asks me,

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Speaker 1: like how do I change my partner or something like that,

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Speaker 1: like I'm always like, just focus on you and you know,

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Speaker 1: do your inner stuff, and they're either going to jump

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Speaker 1: on board or they're not. And that's kind of you know,

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Speaker 1: your your answer there. So what would you say? It's

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Speaker 1: funny because obviously my audience is very you know, self development,

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Speaker 1: and they're progressing and they're doing the inner work and

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Speaker 1: they love that. So what would you say to someone

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Speaker 1: who they've done the inner work? They're like, you know,

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Speaker 1: they're so sure of themselves, and their partners just kind

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Speaker 1: of they're not evolving, they're not getting on board. Like

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Speaker 1: do you think that's kind of a red flag, you know,

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Speaker 1: move on or what would someone do in that situation

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Speaker 1: if the partner is also kind of pushing back?

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely. It's funny because for myself, I don't like

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Speaker 2: to think of things as a red flag, and not

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Speaker 2: in a way that we avoid them, but I like

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Speaker 2: to see it as like, Okay, this is like a

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Speaker 2: warning sign and I have an opportunity here to be

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Speaker 2: an express how I honestly kind of feel. And it's

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Speaker 2: like we can either be like, okay, well I'm resistant

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Speaker 2: to it because of this, and there's at least some

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Speaker 2: kind of movement into why they're not on board, or

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Speaker 2: if they double down on that, it kind of gives

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Speaker 2: you your answer a little bit of like maybe where

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Speaker 2: the relationship is heading. So yeah, trying to trying to

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Speaker 2: express what you actually need, and I understand how scary

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Speaker 2: that is to take off the mask and do that.

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Speaker 2: Once upon a time, everything I teach I've been through myself,

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Speaker 2: so I remember like how terrifying it was to be like,

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Speaker 2: oh no, I actually have to speak from my heart.

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Speaker 2: But the more that you do that and the more

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Speaker 2: that you actually don't abandon yourself in that second, the

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Speaker 2: more secure in yourself you're going to become, the more

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Speaker 2: you're going to move towards the more secure attachment style

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Speaker 2: because you're going to know you did right by you.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, I love that so much. That's such beautiful advice. Well,

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Speaker 1: let's really switch gears. And it's funny because this is

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Speaker 1: actually something that me and Cooper were talking about in

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Speaker 1: one of our Hotline episodes and it was about, you know, cheating,

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Speaker 1: and I'd love to know your thoughts on how to.

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Speaker 1: First of all, what's your thoughts on like, is someone

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Speaker 1: if someone cheats, are they going to cheat again?

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Speaker 2: This is a tough one because sometimes yes, because it's

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Speaker 2: something that's going on within them. Have I worked with

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Speaker 2: couples and there's been infidelity and it's been the best

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Speaker 2: thing that's ever happened to them. Also, yes, because if

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Speaker 2: you have a moment and someone cheats and they get

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Speaker 2: into this situation and they're like, Okay, you know what, actually,

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Speaker 2: let's start talking about why this happened, what do we

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Speaker 2: need to change, how can we look after the pop plant?

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Speaker 2: What what happened, and how can we communicate better so

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Speaker 2: this doesn't happen again. But if you have a situation

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Speaker 2: where that person thissus says I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

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Speaker 2: but they're not willing to dig deep within themselves and

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Speaker 2: make the changes, they are more likely to end up

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Speaker 2: cheating again because they didn't learn the lesson from it

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Speaker 2: really only superficially.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so true. And then like, so let's just say,

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Speaker 1: you know, there is infidelity, and it does come to

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Speaker 1: a point of they've decided to try again and they

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Speaker 1: want to rebuild the relationship. How would you go about

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Speaker 1: like rebuilding that and repairing that trust.

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Speaker 2: It takes such a long time, and I think that

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Speaker 2: anyone that's kind of going through that really needs to

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Speaker 2: make the decision of like, this is going to be work,

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Speaker 2: and it's going to actually take work on both sides.

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Speaker 2: Even though we might be the ones that were cheated

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Speaker 2: on there's levels that we have to dig down back

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Speaker 2: into and figure out like exactly kind of where it

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Speaker 2: went wrong. You almost need to go through another healing

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Speaker 2: journey as a relationship and start becoming conscious of what

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Speaker 2: decisions led up to that point, even though not necessarily

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Speaker 2: it was all like the person's fault, there's things there

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Speaker 2: that need to make sure that they don't happen again.

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Speaker 2: So realistically, I would definitely see a therapist. I would

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Speaker 2: definitely start to try and look at it as a

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Speaker 2: healing journey of the relationship. So talking about how you're

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Speaker 2: both affecting, like your little pop plant, and talking about

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Speaker 2: these things really openly and talking about where you both

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Speaker 2: kind of went wrong, And that takes a lot of guards,

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Speaker 2: and it takes a lot of courage, and it means

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Speaker 2: you can't really keep hiding behind the masks we like

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Speaker 2: to show on relationships anymore.

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Speaker 1: That's so interesting. It obviously would be so difficult and

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Speaker 1: something like I've always thought, even though I've you know,

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Speaker 1: never been in that situation, but it would almost be

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Speaker 1: like a situation of if you choose to rebuild, you

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Speaker 1: almost need to, you know, decide that you can't constantly

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Speaker 1: bring that up of a well you did this sort

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Speaker 1: of situation.

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Speaker 2: You have to be able to get to a point

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Speaker 2: where you completely, like get a clean slate. If it's

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Speaker 2: always kind of lingering in the back of your mind,

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Speaker 2: but you're trying to push on because you want to

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Speaker 2: save the relationship. That's kind of when we end up

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Speaker 2: in trouble because every time we repress something in our relationship,

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Speaker 2: it's like getting a sandwich and putting it in a

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Speaker 2: draw Like after one day, it's not gonna smell, but

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Speaker 2: after six months it's going to stink.

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Speaker 1: You know. Oh my god, that's great, that's so true.

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Speaker 1: And I guess also with trust, Like our question that

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Speaker 1: we got is how do you navigate coming back together

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Speaker 1: after having maybe being separated separated for a while, So

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Speaker 1: like maybe your relationship was good, but then something happened,

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Speaker 1: you decided to separate, and now you're back together, Like

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Speaker 1: what do you have any tips on how to really

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Speaker 1: make sure that you're both coming together with trust on that?

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, So once we have a break for whatever reason,

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Speaker 2: once we've decided that's the end of it, you now

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Speaker 2: need the exact opposite. You almost need to go through

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Speaker 2: your honeymoon period all over again and completely prioritize each

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Speaker 2: other's love languages, quality time without your phones, like even

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Speaker 2: set up in your lounge room, a little picnic for

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Speaker 2: your dinner, like try and make everything as special as

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Speaker 2: you can so that you guys have that connection and

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Speaker 2: work on strengthening that bond to really reunite those feelings.

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Speaker 2: I always say, like when we meet someone and that

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Speaker 2: connection is there, we never actually lose that connection. It

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Speaker 2: just kind of feels like it fizzled out because we

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Speaker 2: end up like completely stacking dishes in like the sink

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Speaker 2: and then hoping that they'll get clean. And now there's

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Speaker 2: all this resentment and we're both stuck up in our

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Speaker 2: heads rather than being physically present with each other and

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Speaker 2: hanging on to everything else. So really it's just about

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Speaker 2: coming back together in that moment. Now that you've had

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Speaker 2: time to debrief and depack, and once you kind of

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Speaker 2: feel connected again, you do need to kind of have

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Speaker 2: some difficult conversations from the heart to start to figure

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Speaker 2: out where things went wrong and how you can approve

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Speaker 2: them for the future. An argument will always send you

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Speaker 2: up and down if it doesn't become an actual resolve

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Speaker 2: of like, Okay, how can we avoid this for the future,

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Speaker 2: What do you need next time? What do I need

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Speaker 2: next time? And yeah, like I said, it takes guts

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Speaker 2: to talk like this, but the more you do it,

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Speaker 2: the more you'll begin to ease into it.

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Speaker 1: Oh that's that's really beautiful. Just like you know, it's

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Speaker 1: almost like so simple, but it's like just like spending

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Speaker 1: more time together.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, and just kind of almost romancing each other

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Speaker 2: all over again, which we love.

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Speaker 1: I'd love that. I'm going to tell you that. Well,

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Speaker 1: let's kind of get onto you know, healthy non healthy relationships.

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Speaker 1: And you just mentioned before, like you know, when you argue,

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Speaker 1: how to go about it is they're kind of, in

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Speaker 1: your opinion, like healthy arguing and non healthy arguing.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, So okay, we've got to I can't do that

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Speaker 2: because it's a podcast. Sorry, okay, So let's yeah, I'm

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Speaker 2: making a circle, guys. So think of it like this.

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Speaker 2: We have an incident, and from that incident, we then

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Speaker 2: have time and then there's like a reaction. Often this

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Speaker 2: reaction is because of an old coping mechanism or like

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Speaker 2: a survival coping mechanism or a fight a flight response,

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Speaker 2: And in between that time of the incident happening and

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Speaker 2: the old pattern engaging, there's a moment where you get

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Speaker 2: to pause. And in that moment, if you pause and

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Speaker 2: you take a few deep breaths and you go, Okay,

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Speaker 2: you know what, I'm going to stay committed even though

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Speaker 2: I'm angry right now, but committed to being connected with

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Speaker 2: you and committed to kind of coming up with an

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Speaker 2: answer and committed to maybe having to take breaks and

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Speaker 2: self regulating, having to take a moment to step away

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Speaker 2: from each other. And that's when you can have an

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Speaker 2: argument that you grow from. And arguments aren't bad things.

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Speaker 2: Arguments are growth points. We grow our muscles as soon

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Speaker 2: as they are kind of under tension, and when we

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Speaker 2: have the argument, there's an opportunity for us to be

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Speaker 2: under tension to grow into the future. Where we start

401
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,480
Speaker 2: getting into kind of not the best arguments is when

402
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Speaker 2: we let old patterns take over, like you know, walking

403
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Speaker 2: away or raising our voices or engaging in a fight

404
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Speaker 2: or flight response, Because when we do that, it leads

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Speaker 2: to a big kind of explosion and then it's a

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Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and there's no result for the future,

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Speaker 2: So the cycle's more likely to repeat and nothing ever

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Speaker 2: actually feels like it's resolved. So that's why the same

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Speaker 2: issue kids coming up every three, six, twelve months.

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Speaker 1: And just kind of taking it back a little bit

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Speaker 1: because you've mentioned this word quite a few times and

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Speaker 1: it might be a silly question, but like in your opinion,

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Speaker 1: like what does self regulating mean?

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Speaker 2: So self regulating So this is basically where when you

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Speaker 2: can tell that you're like anxious, or you're irritated, or

416
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Speaker 2: your muscles are tend so you know, when you get

417
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Speaker 2: an argument and you're like, oh, like that. There is

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Speaker 2: actually called like your fight or flight response. So your

419
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Speaker 2: fight or flight response is basically you detecting in your brain,

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Speaker 2: I'm in a threat right now, and this threat is

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Speaker 2: my partner. And this can go one of two ways.

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Speaker 2: So you have to take a second to kind of

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Speaker 2: regulate out of what's called the fighter flight response back

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Speaker 2: into the relaxation response. You can do this through using

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Speaker 2: your breath, so like inhaling into your belly and back out.

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Speaker 2: You might if it's a bigger, kind of more emotional trigger,

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Speaker 2: you might need to take some time away and kind

428
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Speaker 2: of take some breaths, stop repeating the narrative in your head,

429
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Speaker 2: really calm down, and then when once you get calm,

430
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Speaker 2: you can come back and visit the argument where you're

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Speaker 2: not more likely to say things that's going to damage

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Speaker 2: your pop plant. You're actually going to be able to

433
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:58,320
Speaker 2: talk really rationally and not just make snap decisions because

434
00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:00,680
Speaker 2: you want the relation, so the argue want to be over.

435
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:05,960
Speaker 1: I feel like that is something I almost I need

436
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,399
Speaker 1: to take that advice because I was talking to friends

437
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:12,760
Speaker 1: the other day and I'm a naturally pretty fiery person,

438
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:15,439
Speaker 1: Like I'm a Leo Sign I, you know, have a

439
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,719
Speaker 1: lot of passion, and I find sometimes when me and

440
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:23,280
Speaker 1: Tim are arguing, because we definitely argue, I wouldn't say

441
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,720
Speaker 1: a lot, but like I am a firing person, fiery person,

442
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:30,600
Speaker 1: so I like I almost enjoy it. Ah, I love

443
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:33,040
Speaker 1: it like it's you know, I don't see it as

444
00:23:33,119 --> 00:23:36,000
Speaker 1: unhealthy because it's not. It's never about the same things.

445
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:38,600
Speaker 1: It's just we're both like passionate people. But I do

446
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:42,920
Speaker 1: notice sometimes like I literally will just get so angry

447
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:45,960
Speaker 1: and it's like it wouldn't matter what Tim said or

448
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,520
Speaker 1: if he apologized, Like I'm just so angry, and in

449
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,600
Speaker 1: those moments, I'm like, oh my god, I just I

450
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:55,639
Speaker 1: need to step away and like control my anger because

451
00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:59,000
Speaker 1: It's the one emotion that I get. And I don't

452
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:01,159
Speaker 1: know if this means anything about me, but it is

453
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:04,000
Speaker 1: the one emotion I get where I just cannot control

454
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,280
Speaker 1: myself and I've got to really be like, all right,

455
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,920
Speaker 1: you're just you're seeing rare. This is not gonna help anyone,

456
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,280
Speaker 1: And I've got to now I know what it's called

457
00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:15,000
Speaker 1: self regulate because I'm just like, this is gonna go

458
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:15,800
Speaker 1: nowhere fast.

459
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:19,719
Speaker 2: And honestly, it's so common because you're in your like

460
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,040
Speaker 2: fight or flight stage, and when you're in your fight

461
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:25,400
Speaker 2: a flight stage, your brain does not care how you

462
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:27,800
Speaker 2: like get rid of the threat right. It wants you to.

463
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 2: Your fight of flight is like the same thing that

464
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,399
Speaker 2: happens when you're like in an accident and like people

465
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:34,480
Speaker 2: get really like strong and like lift up the car.

466
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:37,320
Speaker 2: It's the same like adrenaline pumping around your body.

467
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:38,160
Speaker 1: So in that.

468
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:41,000
Speaker 2: Moment, your brain is, if you're a fiery, passionate person,

469
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:44,119
Speaker 2: like your go to is fight mode. So you're like

470
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:46,000
Speaker 2: want to say things and you want to get in there.

471
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:47,879
Speaker 2: So of course it doesn't matter like kind of what

472
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:50,600
Speaker 2: he says, because your brain is just like say and

473
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,600
Speaker 2: do everything right now to get this like argument away

474
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,360
Speaker 2: from me, even though it's not what you actually want.

475
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:59,360
Speaker 2: This is like all our subconscious bodily functions happening around us.

476
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:02,159
Speaker 2: So that's why, yeah, it's important to go do a

477
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:03,520
Speaker 2: little meditation and come back.

478
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:05,239
Speaker 3: I know.

479
00:25:05,359 --> 00:25:09,680
Speaker 1: It's just usually so hard during the momentage, so it's

480
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:12,439
Speaker 1: so easy just you know, explode.

481
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,680
Speaker 2: Honestly it is. And I've started becoming a holistic relationship

482
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,080
Speaker 2: counselor because this is stuff that I all went through

483
00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:22,840
Speaker 2: and I was like fiery, like the things that would

484
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:24,959
Speaker 2: come out of my mouth like you would not believe.

485
00:25:25,119 --> 00:25:28,359
Speaker 2: And the biggest thing I ever learned is like in

486
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:30,480
Speaker 2: that moment, the first time you ever do this, you

487
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:32,840
Speaker 2: might go from one hundred to like eighty, and then

488
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:34,960
Speaker 2: like a month later it might be like sixty and

489
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,040
Speaker 2: then forty and then twenty. It's like any kind of

490
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:40,040
Speaker 2: healing journey where it just takes time. And it's when

491
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:42,480
Speaker 2: you don't react in that way, like you almost get

492
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:44,840
Speaker 2: like really proud of yourself. After you're like yes, like

493
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:46,920
Speaker 2: look at me, you go and you get this whole

494
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:50,080
Speaker 2: new level of self confidence because even outside of your

495
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:53,560
Speaker 2: romantic relationships, when people piss you off, you're not going

496
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,639
Speaker 2: to expend all your energy on them, because you're going

497
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,400
Speaker 2: to be like, I've got this, goodbye, you're taking my energy.

498
00:25:58,520 --> 00:25:59,240
Speaker 2: I don't need you.

499
00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:01,040
Speaker 1: I guess I come off the back of that too.

500
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:06,159
Speaker 1: What's your opinion on toxic relationship? So maybe you know

501
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:11,000
Speaker 1: they're constantly finding or there's controlling behavior, like do you

502
00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 1: think that's a full you know that's it, leave the

503
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:19,640
Speaker 1: relationship or do you think you can improve or heal

504
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:20,520
Speaker 1: that relationship?

505
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,280
Speaker 2: I think, and this is a really tough one because

506
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:28,000
Speaker 2: I have seen toxic relationships become beautiful relationships. But it's

507
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:31,080
Speaker 2: kind of like the infidelity thing. There has to be

508
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:36,080
Speaker 2: a readiness for like this really deep like healing of

509
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,879
Speaker 2: like abandonment wounds and going back and revisiting like you know,

510
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:42,600
Speaker 2: your childhood or past relationships, so all these things that

511
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,199
Speaker 2: have made this stuff occur and pay honorage to that

512
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,640
Speaker 2: and then kind of come back and fix the relationship.

513
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,200
Speaker 2: I think that if it's like in any way where

514
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,960
Speaker 2: it's damaging your mental health seriously, you both need to

515
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:57,080
Speaker 2: separate from each other and go through that journey individually,

516
00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:00,600
Speaker 2: because you can't keep trying to heal and do all

517
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,479
Speaker 2: these things when you're in front of someone who is

518
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:06,280
Speaker 2: constantly triggering your fight or flight and putting you into

519
00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:09,040
Speaker 2: that state because you're not having time to learn all

520
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:11,560
Speaker 2: the things that I teach and like do all of that,

521
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:14,520
Speaker 2: and instead you're kind of so focused on what's happening

522
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:18,160
Speaker 2: in the moment. So yeah, I always think that if

523
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,760
Speaker 2: it's bad, take a little break, work on yourselves, come

524
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,520
Speaker 2: back together. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be,

525
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,760
Speaker 2: and you both have grown, but you can't grow on

526
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:28,280
Speaker 2: top of each other when it's super toxic.

527
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:34,199
Speaker 1: And I guess also with toxic relationships. We had a

528
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,480
Speaker 1: very specific question about gas lighting. You know, this is

529
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:42,800
Speaker 1: a new term everyone uses, but like I definitely it's

530
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:46,080
Speaker 1: like such a it's such a thing where how does

531
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:50,240
Speaker 1: someone communicate with the other person if they like they

532
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:53,360
Speaker 1: know they're getting gas lighted? But it's almost like they

533
00:27:53,359 --> 00:27:56,560
Speaker 1: struggle to even bring up that communication.

534
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,080
Speaker 2: As in like they're already kind of like in the

535
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,120
Speaker 2: argument and the person's trying to guessl like that.

536
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:03,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, like the person's like, but no, I didn't do that,

537
00:28:03,359 --> 00:28:04,560
Speaker 1: and like they clearly did.

538
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:08,240
Speaker 2: I always think that in that moment, like keeping your

539
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,960
Speaker 2: calm and knowing your self worth and again that whole

540
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,280
Speaker 2: coming back to yourself and being like, I think that

541
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:17,400
Speaker 2: we remember this differently. However, let's discuss like the point here,

542
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:21,160
Speaker 2: because usually gaslighting is like a form of like distraction,

543
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:23,959
Speaker 2: Like if I make you look over here, we're not

544
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:27,240
Speaker 2: looking at like the actual problem anymore. We're now focusing

545
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:28,679
Speaker 2: on whether I did or didn't do it. We're not

546
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,359
Speaker 2: focusing on how it affected you. So if we kind

547
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,720
Speaker 2: of say, Okay, I think we remember things differently right now,

548
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:36,359
Speaker 2: but I would like to discuss this, it kind of

549
00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:38,960
Speaker 2: says like I'm not even engaging in that. I'm not

550
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:41,240
Speaker 2: even going to give you that argument. I'm going to

551
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:43,280
Speaker 2: talk about why I'm upset, and I'm going to talk

552
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:45,080
Speaker 2: about it to the point. And if we can't have

553
00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:48,280
Speaker 2: that conversation, I'm going to go when you're less irritated

554
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:50,080
Speaker 2: and we can speak about this properly.

555
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:51,760
Speaker 1: Oh I love that so much.

556
00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:54,520
Speaker 2: That's like my favorite line.

557
00:28:55,560 --> 00:29:04,600
Speaker 1: Write that down. Amazing. Let's chat about family because I

558
00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:08,320
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, the huge sort of thing now

559
00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:10,960
Speaker 1: that a lot of people are talking about is you know,

560
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:15,800
Speaker 1: the intimacy challenge, so you know, getting intimate with your

561
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:19,280
Speaker 1: partner again, can you kind of run us through what

562
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:22,920
Speaker 1: the intimacy challenge sort of ear is and what was

563
00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:23,960
Speaker 1: the reasoning behind it.

564
00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:28,160
Speaker 2: Yes, So the intimacy challenge on my social media that's

565
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:31,920
Speaker 2: really like about asking each other questions to restrengthen like

566
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:35,680
Speaker 2: that bond and create like that connection and be able

567
00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:37,600
Speaker 2: to when we get to learn more and more about

568
00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:40,760
Speaker 2: like our partners, we begin to create a really strong

569
00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:44,240
Speaker 2: bond that we start to subconsciously really try and protect

570
00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,959
Speaker 2: and nurture. So by going back and remembering things about

571
00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:51,120
Speaker 2: how things were in the past, it makes you subconsciously

572
00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:53,160
Speaker 2: start to think that way and be like, oh, like

573
00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:55,240
Speaker 2: remember when we went on that date, Remember when we

574
00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:57,840
Speaker 2: did this thing, Remember when this happened. And then you

575
00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:00,960
Speaker 2: start going into the mindset of like that's not that unobtainable,

576
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:02,960
Speaker 2: Like we can actually do this, we can actually start

577
00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:05,040
Speaker 2: to plan for all these things. When it comes to

578
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:08,160
Speaker 2: having kids and then coming out of having kids, it's

579
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:11,960
Speaker 2: really hard because you're both completely stressed out and you're

580
00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:14,960
Speaker 2: both like got so much going on. Everything's turned upside down.

581
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,920
Speaker 2: Life as you know is just like nonexistent, and it's

582
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:20,280
Speaker 2: a really challenging thing. And I think coming back and

583
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,680
Speaker 2: being intimate with each other does take some prioritizing, and

584
00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:28,400
Speaker 2: that usually does mean prioritizing sex because God knows what happened,

585
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:31,920
Speaker 2: and then also prioritizing some form of a date night.

586
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,400
Speaker 2: It doesn't matter if it's like once every two weeks,

587
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 2: once a month, all this however, whatever works for you, guys,

588
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:40,280
Speaker 2: and whatever time someone can come babysit. But by having

589
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:43,560
Speaker 2: that thing to look forward to, we don't get stuck

590
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:46,320
Speaker 2: in the feeling of like it's never going to come back,

591
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:49,520
Speaker 2: because when we're in those bad emotions towards our relationship,

592
00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:53,120
Speaker 2: we can't see that it's just like the wave of emotions.

593
00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:55,720
Speaker 2: We think that like that's it, it's forever. But even

594
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:58,080
Speaker 2: if you've got a date night once a month and

595
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:00,920
Speaker 2: it's still like three weeks, three days, the way, you're

596
00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:02,600
Speaker 2: not going to be so stuck on like we never

597
00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:04,880
Speaker 2: have intimacy. It's going to be like, oh my god, okay,

598
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:06,360
Speaker 2: what are we going to do for the next one?

599
00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:08,720
Speaker 2: And you change your mindset towards it a little bit.

600
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:12,479
Speaker 1: I love that so much. And I guess, like, what

601
00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:18,040
Speaker 1: is your opinion on prioritizing intimacy if it's something that

602
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:21,760
Speaker 1: maybe isn't a priority for your relationship right now. So

603
00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:25,080
Speaker 1: obviously the simple things, like you said, is like date night,

604
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:27,640
Speaker 1: But is there any other like tools or tactics that

605
00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:30,560
Speaker 1: you have to maybe bring that to the forefront of

606
00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 1: your relationship, because you know, I know myself, when me

607
00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:38,800
Speaker 1: and Tim are obviously prioritizing each other and making more

608
00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:41,000
Speaker 1: time for each other, you do you feel more in

609
00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:43,560
Speaker 1: love with each other? Like it's I know it's simple,

610
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:46,960
Speaker 1: but it's kind of like we forget until we do

611
00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:49,080
Speaker 1: it again. And I'm just wondering if you have any

612
00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:51,680
Speaker 1: tools to you know, prioritize.

613
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:54,560
Speaker 2: I think it's a difficult thing because, like you said,

614
00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:57,479
Speaker 2: it's but when it's gone, it's easy forgotten. It's kind

615
00:31:57,520 --> 00:31:59,400
Speaker 2: of like going to the gym, Like you forget how

616
00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:02,360
Speaker 2: good feel like going to the gym fields until you're

617
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:04,440
Speaker 2: actually there and like you're back in it and you're

618
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:07,080
Speaker 2: doing it. So I think it's really important to know

619
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:10,520
Speaker 2: that no matter what way it might look like, whether

620
00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:13,280
Speaker 2: it's something super small like when the kids are going

621
00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:15,760
Speaker 2: to bed, like going and having a wine like on

622
00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:19,120
Speaker 2: the patio outside together, or whether it's you know, just

623
00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:21,720
Speaker 2: turning off the TVs for like half an hour or

624
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,200
Speaker 2: an hour and spending time, or whether it's going for

625
00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:27,360
Speaker 2: like a walk as you two just together, whatever it

626
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:30,720
Speaker 2: might take of like really small little steps just so

627
00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:33,240
Speaker 2: that you don't constantly see each other in the same

628
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:36,760
Speaker 2: light and in the same routine all the time. A

629
00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:38,800
Speaker 2: really good way to kind of get people back into

630
00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:41,920
Speaker 2: like even thinking of like that intimacy is using things

631
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,560
Speaker 2: like the intimacy questions on my Instagram and my TikTok,

632
00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:48,200
Speaker 2: because those little things spuck, Like I said, those reminders

633
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:50,880
Speaker 2: of like hey, like wow, that actually did feel pretty good.

634
00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:53,200
Speaker 2: Maybe we can like come up with some date nights,

635
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:55,440
Speaker 2: maybe we can do things like this. It can feel

636
00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:57,840
Speaker 2: very overwhelming when you're out of it, and it's like, oh,

637
00:32:57,920 --> 00:33:00,720
Speaker 2: another thing to add to the list, But it's what's

638
00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:04,160
Speaker 2: going to create that super strong foundation for you and

639
00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:04,960
Speaker 2: as a family.

640
00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:09,720
Speaker 1: A tear. Yes, did you know that from the age

641
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:12,880
Speaker 1: of twenty five your body starts to produce less collagen?

642
00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:17,560
Speaker 1: I did it, but now it was stressed. Guys, from

643
00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:20,720
Speaker 1: age twenty five, this is why you notice like signs

644
00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:27,840
Speaker 1: of aging. So you know things like wrinkles, skin getting sacky. Wait,

645
00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:31,440
Speaker 1: is that just me? Because I've had a baby guys,

646
00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:36,680
Speaker 1: this is why we created our enn H collagen. So

647
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:42,400
Speaker 1: collagen helps with hair growth, nail growth, skin elasticity. That

648
00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:48,280
Speaker 1: was a big word aka wrinkles and my situation. So

649
00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:51,560
Speaker 1: that's why we decided to create a collagen supplement, and

650
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651
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652
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653
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654
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655
00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:13,000
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656
00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:16,400
Speaker 1: with collagen. Obviously, if you're taking any of our products

657
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658
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659
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660
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661
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Speaker 3: I remember that because that was I think when I

662
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Speaker 3: first started following you. It was like just past your.

663
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Speaker 1: Shoulders, yes, and like look how long it is. Now

664
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666
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667
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669
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671
00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:04,880
Speaker 1: All right, let's get back into the episode and from

672
00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:08,360
Speaker 1: the intimacy challenge questions, what's your favorite question?

673
00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:12,799
Speaker 2: Oh, that's that's a tough one, but I think that

674
00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:16,239
Speaker 2: I love asking people when did you first realize you

675
00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:19,520
Speaker 2: were in love with me? Because you see people like

676
00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:23,399
Speaker 2: like just remember like that total smitten feeling and watch

677
00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:25,960
Speaker 2: some get all giddy. That's probably been my favorite and

678
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:28,840
Speaker 2: a lot of people commented on that sharing their stories

679
00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:30,839
Speaker 2: with me and islets was like, I want to write

680
00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:32,719
Speaker 2: a book of all these love stories, like this is

681
00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:34,880
Speaker 2: so cute.

682
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:37,160
Speaker 1: That is beautiful. I'm literally trying to think what Tim

683
00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:41,120
Speaker 1: would say. I feel like, oh my god, it was

684
00:35:41,160 --> 00:35:47,000
Speaker 1: like ten years ago. I don't know, no, no, I

685
00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:50,919
Speaker 1: love that. And then I guess going back to families,

686
00:35:51,239 --> 00:35:54,439
Speaker 1: like I know myself, it can get so difficult once

687
00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:57,840
Speaker 1: you bring a child or children into the mix, because again,

688
00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:00,759
Speaker 1: it's kind of like the first thing that is able

689
00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:04,560
Speaker 1: to slip because you know, children need to get looked after,

690
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:07,680
Speaker 1: and you need to work and all those sorts of things.

691
00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:11,520
Speaker 1: But how do you navigate maybe a relationship. We have

692
00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:13,839
Speaker 1: a very specific question about, you know, having a new

693
00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:17,800
Speaker 1: baby and it feels like the two parents are maybe

694
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:21,960
Speaker 1: starting to you know, resent to each other, and there's

695
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:23,799
Speaker 1: a stay at home mom and there's a dad going

696
00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:26,719
Speaker 1: to work. What would you kind of do in that situation.

697
00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:32,040
Speaker 2: So I have a little strategy or a little tool. Yeah,

698
00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:34,520
Speaker 2: if we look at like the emotional scale we have,

699
00:36:34,719 --> 00:36:38,440
Speaker 2: like the at the bottom of it is resentment and

700
00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:41,200
Speaker 2: it's actually worse than hate because it lingers, it's not

701
00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:43,799
Speaker 2: just a one time emotion. And at the other end

702
00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:47,799
Speaker 2: of the scale is gratitude. So what I always recommend doing,

703
00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:50,359
Speaker 2: and it's such a small exercise everyone can do, is

704
00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:53,320
Speaker 2: before then make it a routine, Like one of the

705
00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:56,080
Speaker 2: last things you say to each other is what you're grateful,

706
00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:59,000
Speaker 2: And you have to pick one thing from that day

707
00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:01,239
Speaker 2: that they're grateful for or in the other person. And

708
00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:04,560
Speaker 2: it might be I'm grateful that you cooked dinner, I'm

709
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:06,640
Speaker 2: grateful that you picked up the chicken on the way

710
00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:09,279
Speaker 2: home from work, or whatever it might be. But it

711
00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:11,319
Speaker 2: begins to put you in this mindset of like, oh

712
00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:14,440
Speaker 2: my god, like actually, they do do things, and it

713
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:16,600
Speaker 2: makes them reflect on like what did that other person

714
00:37:16,719 --> 00:37:19,680
Speaker 2: do that day? And it makes them start to not

715
00:37:19,719 --> 00:37:22,480
Speaker 2: only that, but feel that emotion of gratitude where it's

716
00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:25,719
Speaker 2: going to change those emotions inside and start to make

717
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:28,520
Speaker 2: small little changes that will impact the relationship in a

718
00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:28,959
Speaker 2: big way.

719
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:30,960
Speaker 1: Oh that's beautiful.

720
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:32,960
Speaker 2: It's such a cute exercise. I love it.

721
00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:34,920
Speaker 1: It's so sweet. Okay, I'm going to use it.

722
00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:36,880
Speaker 2: I love it.

723
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:41,160
Speaker 1: And then let's go back to intimacy because I feel like, like,

724
00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:44,160
Speaker 1: let's actually just talk about sex because I feel like

725
00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:47,160
Speaker 1: this is such a huge thing. And obviously intimacy and

726
00:37:47,239 --> 00:37:50,719
Speaker 1: sex is such a close thing, but like, how important

727
00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:55,000
Speaker 1: is sex in a relationship? Is it something that needs

728
00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:57,600
Speaker 1: to be prioritized or do you kind of believe as

729
00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:00,279
Speaker 1: long as there's other sort of intimacies it doesn't matter.

730
00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:01,640
Speaker 1: What's your view on that.

731
00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:06,520
Speaker 2: I think I hate coming up with like rules, you know,

732
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:11,160
Speaker 2: in relationships, should we have sex? Yes? I hate I

733
00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:13,920
Speaker 2: hate doing that because every relationship is so different and

734
00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:19,280
Speaker 2: it's so unique, and I think ultimately, when I cancel

735
00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:24,439
Speaker 2: couples about intimacy. Intimacy starts outside the bedroom. If someone

736
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:28,160
Speaker 2: doesn't feel seen or heard or validated in their relationship,

737
00:38:28,719 --> 00:38:31,560
Speaker 2: sex is the first thing to go because you're up

738
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:35,200
Speaker 2: here already, like writing really mean narratives about them secretly,

739
00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:38,480
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So it starts way back there.

740
00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:42,040
Speaker 2: So I always try to say, you need to prioritize

741
00:38:42,080 --> 00:38:45,600
Speaker 2: the intimacy and the conversations and validating each other outside

742
00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:49,040
Speaker 2: of the relationship, and then your sex life will naturally

743
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:51,879
Speaker 2: take its course. For some couples who have a high

744
00:38:51,880 --> 00:38:55,279
Speaker 2: sex drive, that might be you know, ten times a week.

745
00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:58,040
Speaker 2: For those that are not as sexual people, it might

746
00:38:58,080 --> 00:39:01,080
Speaker 2: be you know, once a week, what ever they find

747
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,920
Speaker 2: works for them, and it's based on their own needs. Now,

748
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:06,200
Speaker 2: a key thing to remember with this is is we'd

749
00:39:06,239 --> 00:39:09,719
Speaker 2: like to judge our relationships on how much sex we're

750
00:39:09,760 --> 00:39:12,080
Speaker 2: having and use that as some form of like ball

751
00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:14,960
Speaker 2: park mark of whether or not the relationship's doing good.

752
00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:18,120
Speaker 2: And when you're in that fight or flight response that

753
00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:22,160
Speaker 2: we spoke about before, so that stress response from external stresses,

754
00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:26,799
Speaker 2: the first thing to go is your sex drive. So

755
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:29,600
Speaker 2: where all comes back to the pop plant, like, okay,

756
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:32,239
Speaker 2: like if we both feel like sex is lacking and

757
00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:35,240
Speaker 2: we want more of it. What external factors are happening

758
00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:37,120
Speaker 2: so that we can course correct that.

759
00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:39,920
Speaker 1: I love that and I think it's so it's so

760
00:39:40,040 --> 00:39:44,799
Speaker 1: correct of like, you know, not judging your relationship from

761
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:48,200
Speaker 1: other people's relationship because we're all so different. And also

762
00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:51,359
Speaker 1: a big thing I think, you know, realizing you go

763
00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:54,760
Speaker 1: through seasons and you know there's going to be seasons

764
00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:57,600
Speaker 1: where you're having sex more than other seasons, and you know,

765
00:39:58,280 --> 00:40:01,200
Speaker 1: almost being okay with that, but then when you're like,

766
00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:04,000
Speaker 1: oh hey, I'm kind of you know, missing you know

767
00:40:04,080 --> 00:40:06,520
Speaker 1: this in our relationship and then being able to, like

768
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:10,319
Speaker 1: you said, course correct. It's funny because me and Tim

769
00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:15,800
Speaker 1: always have this joke that and it's it's it's funny

770
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:19,839
Speaker 1: because you said, like it starts like from you know,

771
00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:22,600
Speaker 1: how you communicate and how you feel about the other person,

772
00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:25,440
Speaker 1: and you know, we have this joke that Tim's like,

773
00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:28,400
Speaker 1: all I've got to do is like just talk to

774
00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:31,200
Speaker 1: Jawdron and communicate with her and have a dn M

775
00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:34,560
Speaker 1: and that and that's how she's interested. And it's I'm

776
00:40:34,760 --> 00:40:37,440
Speaker 1: I'm like that. I'm like, if you it's and it

777
00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:40,640
Speaker 1: doesn't like start from like I feel like men can

778
00:40:40,680 --> 00:40:43,400
Speaker 1: sometimes be a bit different, but it's like how I

779
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:46,359
Speaker 1: feel about intimacy. It's like it starts from like when

780
00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:48,200
Speaker 1: you wake up, and it's like, you know, if they're

781
00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:50,160
Speaker 1: nice to you, and then you see goodbye, and like

782
00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:53,320
Speaker 1: all those little things that men maybe don't think about

783
00:40:53,520 --> 00:40:55,640
Speaker 1: or you know, I probly shouldn't put that put them

784
00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:58,600
Speaker 1: in a box. But I think it's so interesting of

785
00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:02,560
Speaker 1: knowing your part now and knowing kind of you know,

786
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:06,080
Speaker 1: how they feel about intimacy and what kind of works

787
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:06,719
Speaker 1: for them too.

788
00:41:07,239 --> 00:41:10,719
Speaker 2: Absolutely, And it's funny because I have, like I saying

789
00:41:10,719 --> 00:41:14,440
Speaker 2: that some women have desires only trust can reveal. And

790
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:17,839
Speaker 2: it's like that emotional trust of like being treated really

791
00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:20,000
Speaker 2: nice in all of these things, and then suddenly by

792
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:22,399
Speaker 2: the end of the day they're like yes, like bring it,

793
00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:24,799
Speaker 2: like I'm so I'm so ready for it.

794
00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:26,799
Speaker 1: A D and M is like four play for me.

795
00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:31,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, this is why I did the intimacy questions, Babe.

796
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:34,160
Speaker 1: I know, I know I need to be way more

797
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:36,960
Speaker 1: onto it. Amazing. Well, let's switch gears and I want

798
00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:41,400
Speaker 1: to chat about like differences in a relationship because you know,

799
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:46,880
Speaker 1: everyone has different childhoods, different upbringings, different mindsets, so you

800
00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:51,760
Speaker 1: could have, you know, differences in financial communication like everything.

801
00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:55,919
Speaker 1: How do you kind of deal with when someone has

802
00:41:56,160 --> 00:41:59,839
Speaker 1: you know, a different I guess belief system. So let's

803
00:41:59,880 --> 00:42:04,360
Speaker 1: just use maybe this person has very different beliefs around

804
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:07,360
Speaker 1: saving money than you. How do you kind of navigate

805
00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:08,400
Speaker 1: that in a relationship.

806
00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:11,120
Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing is to always communicate like

807
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:14,279
Speaker 2: where it comes from. We can understand our partner a

808
00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:16,719
Speaker 2: lot more when we understand like what kind of led

809
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:19,560
Speaker 2: them to that path. So for example, let's say that

810
00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:23,960
Speaker 2: I spend my money all the time, and I might

811
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:25,920
Speaker 2: not have had much money growing up. So for me,

812
00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:29,000
Speaker 2: it's like this excitement and it's like this joy and

813
00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,480
Speaker 2: I want to, you know, have this money to do

814
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:34,319
Speaker 2: things I never had the opportunity to do. Now that

815
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:36,880
Speaker 2: my partner knows that about me, we can actually come

816
00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:39,640
Speaker 2: up with a conversation of Okay, well, that's obviously a

817
00:42:39,719 --> 00:42:41,440
Speaker 2: need for you that you feel like you get to

818
00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:45,120
Speaker 2: enjoy your money. How can we create like a compromise

819
00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:47,200
Speaker 2: so that this works for both of us. You get

820
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:49,880
Speaker 2: your little fun spending money and you don't feel like

821
00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:52,120
Speaker 2: you're in a lack. But we're also trying to reach

822
00:42:52,160 --> 00:42:53,240
Speaker 2: our goals as a couple.

823
00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:54,400
Speaker 1: I love that so much.

824
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:55,000
Speaker 2: Thank you.

825
00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:58,520
Speaker 1: And something I guess is like I feel like it's

826
00:42:58,560 --> 00:43:02,040
Speaker 1: been a bit of a you know, buzzword right now.

827
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,200
Speaker 1: And something actually we've been talking a lot about on

828
00:43:04,239 --> 00:43:07,719
Speaker 1: the podcast is love languages. So what happens if you

829
00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:11,440
Speaker 1: have a different love language. And the question that was

830
00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:15,919
Speaker 1: kind of said was, you know, my my partner's love

831
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:19,560
Speaker 1: language is touch, but because of a past trauma, I

832
00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:22,279
Speaker 1: don't like physical touch. It's not you know, her a

833
00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:26,880
Speaker 1: love language. How do you kind of, you know, navigate

834
00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:27,640
Speaker 1: that situation.

835
00:43:27,920 --> 00:43:30,359
Speaker 2: So when it comes to things where like it's a

836
00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:34,799
Speaker 2: hard no where like the love languages don't match, there

837
00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:38,080
Speaker 2: always again needs to be like a conversation of why

838
00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:40,920
Speaker 2: like it is that way, so that the partner can understand.

839
00:43:41,200 --> 00:43:43,399
Speaker 2: This is where it does get really tricky, because if

840
00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:47,640
Speaker 2: that person, for example, can't quite understand what the other

841
00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:50,400
Speaker 2: person's been through in terms of how that might react,

842
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:53,560
Speaker 2: particularly when it's things like trauma, our brains will only

843
00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:56,440
Speaker 2: let us go as far as it feels safe to

844
00:43:56,560 --> 00:43:59,680
Speaker 2: and sometimes putting ourselves in the position of understanding someone

845
00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:03,239
Speaker 2: else's trauma. We just don't quite like get it, you know.

846
00:44:03,880 --> 00:44:05,960
Speaker 2: So I think it's about again trying to come up

847
00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:09,600
Speaker 2: with a compromise that you can also for yourself, try

848
00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:11,960
Speaker 2: and come up with ways of how to process that

849
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:15,680
Speaker 2: and deal with that. There's some incredible resources out there.

850
00:44:15,680 --> 00:44:17,799
Speaker 2: There's a book called like the Body Keeps Score. It

851
00:44:17,800 --> 00:44:21,920
Speaker 2: talks about how trauma stored in your body. And from

852
00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:27,400
Speaker 2: that there's like these incredible like now chiropractice who specialize

853
00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:30,960
Speaker 2: in what's called spinal energetics, and it's about getting you

854
00:44:31,040 --> 00:44:33,000
Speaker 2: to move your body and get used to like touch

855
00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:36,120
Speaker 2: again and like releasing trauma stored in the body. So

856
00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:38,759
Speaker 2: you might come up with a compromise in the relationship

857
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:40,719
Speaker 2: for that second of like Okay, like this is something

858
00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:42,840
Speaker 2: we're going to work towards together as a couple, and

859
00:44:42,920 --> 00:44:45,920
Speaker 2: I'm also going to like try and resolve this for

860
00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:48,200
Speaker 2: my own not just for the relationship, but for like

861
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:52,520
Speaker 2: her own security and safety, because I'm sure that she

862
00:44:52,600 --> 00:44:56,280
Speaker 2: doesn't want the past of trauma hanging over her forever,

863
00:44:56,800 --> 00:44:59,399
Speaker 2: which truly starts to heal when we start to take

864
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:01,880
Speaker 2: steps forward from it and it no longer has control

865
00:45:01,920 --> 00:45:02,960
Speaker 2: and power over us.

866
00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:08,840
Speaker 1: That's such great advice. Thank you, and my last question, Sammy. Honestly,

867
00:45:08,880 --> 00:45:12,080
Speaker 1: we could chat all day, but you know, just a

868
00:45:12,160 --> 00:45:16,160
Speaker 1: light a juicy one to finish off the episode. How

869
00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:20,640
Speaker 1: would you recommend getting that spark back in your relationship

870
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:23,520
Speaker 1: if things are just feeling a little bit mundane, a.

871
00:45:23,520 --> 00:45:27,040
Speaker 2: Complete circuit breaker. It's funny because when we feel like

872
00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:30,759
Speaker 2: things are mundane, we naturally go, okay, maybe we should

873
00:45:30,800 --> 00:45:33,040
Speaker 2: take a break, maybe we should have time apart, maybe

874
00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:35,759
Speaker 2: we should whatever it might be in that moment. What

875
00:45:35,800 --> 00:45:39,840
Speaker 2: you guys actually need is closeness, and that's emotional closeness,

876
00:45:39,840 --> 00:45:44,359
Speaker 2: physical closeness, and putting yourselves in new environments. So if

877
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:46,080
Speaker 2: you have a circuit breaker and go, you know what,

878
00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:49,000
Speaker 2: our issues are there and they're in the kitchen sink.

879
00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:52,200
Speaker 2: But let's go and have a day tube and just

880
00:45:52,280 --> 00:45:54,919
Speaker 2: have fun us to and reconnect and just be really

881
00:45:54,960 --> 00:45:58,239
Speaker 2: present with each other and just enjoy the day and

882
00:45:58,280 --> 00:46:00,840
Speaker 2: we can come back and chip it this way another

883
00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:03,719
Speaker 2: time is just the best thing you can do. And

884
00:46:03,760 --> 00:46:06,719
Speaker 2: that's scary, by the way, to like say that, but

885
00:46:06,800 --> 00:46:10,160
Speaker 2: we tend to have this view and relationships where vulnerability

886
00:46:10,280 --> 00:46:11,960
Speaker 2: is the first thing we want to see in other

887
00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:14,480
Speaker 2: people and the last thing we want to give from ourselves.

888
00:46:15,560 --> 00:46:18,319
Speaker 2: We can't have this mentality of like you jump, I jump.

889
00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:21,400
Speaker 2: So sometimes you have to find and support yourself to

890
00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:23,560
Speaker 2: be like, you know what, I'm going to jump, and

891
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:25,279
Speaker 2: I'm going to do this for the sake of us,

892
00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:27,920
Speaker 2: and that inspires the other person to start taking the

893
00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:30,960
Speaker 2: leader as well. Sometimes it just needs one little olive branch.

894
00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:36,000
Speaker 1: Oh, that's beautiful. I love that and it's so true.

895
00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:38,960
Speaker 1: Like when I think back and I feel like I

896
00:46:39,040 --> 00:46:43,200
Speaker 1: really went through this with dim, especially when we had Ivy,

897
00:46:43,239 --> 00:46:46,080
Speaker 1: and it's kind of like, oh, we've lost our spark

898
00:46:46,239 --> 00:46:49,040
Speaker 1: and you know, things are just you know, you do.

899
00:46:49,160 --> 00:46:52,359
Speaker 1: You build up a lot of different emotions when you're

900
00:46:52,400 --> 00:46:54,880
Speaker 1: just dealing with a lot in life, and it's so normal.

901
00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:57,560
Speaker 1: And I feel like as soon as you know, we'd

902
00:46:57,560 --> 00:47:00,480
Speaker 1: spend the whole day together or we'd make time through

903
00:47:00,840 --> 00:47:03,040
Speaker 1: each other, it's like, oh, I'm in love with you again.

904
00:47:03,200 --> 00:47:07,400
Speaker 1: Like it's all good and it's just you you forget

905
00:47:07,440 --> 00:47:09,760
Speaker 1: through things. So yeah, I know that's perfect.

906
00:47:09,880 --> 00:47:12,680
Speaker 2: It's funny. Yeah, when we're in those bad emotions, we

907
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:15,240
Speaker 2: just we always think that they're not going to pass,

908
00:47:15,320 --> 00:47:18,719
Speaker 2: but they're incredibly natural. It's incredibly normal, Like to just

909
00:47:18,760 --> 00:47:21,680
Speaker 2: like you have your individual emotions of like feeling happy

910
00:47:21,719 --> 00:47:24,520
Speaker 2: and sad throughout the day it happens in your relationship.

911
00:47:24,880 --> 00:47:27,400
Speaker 2: The key to like a more secure relationship is just

912
00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:29,000
Speaker 2: how quickly you can bounce back.

913
00:47:29,520 --> 00:47:34,400
Speaker 1: M I love it, and I love this chat and

914
00:47:34,480 --> 00:47:37,520
Speaker 1: talking about it because it's so true, like to normalize

915
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:40,640
Speaker 1: that you know, things aren't going to feel amazing and

916
00:47:40,760 --> 00:47:43,640
Speaker 1: just be rainbows and butterflies all the time, and you

917
00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:47,279
Speaker 1: do have to constantly work on your relationship. It's like

918
00:47:47,560 --> 00:47:50,520
Speaker 1: I remember having a conversation with Tim about it because

919
00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:53,440
Speaker 1: you know, we've been together for over ten years now,

920
00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:58,399
Speaker 1: and it's the single thing of my life that I have,

921
00:47:58,800 --> 00:48:03,120
Speaker 1: you know, consistently worked on. It's not something where, oh

922
00:48:03,120 --> 00:48:06,319
Speaker 1: we just have the perfect relationship, like not at all.

923
00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:10,000
Speaker 1: It's like we literally just have to constantly work on it.

924
00:48:10,040 --> 00:48:13,239
Speaker 1: And I also I also kind of have this like

925
00:48:13,360 --> 00:48:17,360
Speaker 1: knowing in me too of I know I'll always you know,

926
00:48:17,560 --> 00:48:19,799
Speaker 1: be with him as long as we're both willing to

927
00:48:19,840 --> 00:48:21,000
Speaker 1: work on our relationship.

928
00:48:22,239 --> 00:48:25,319
Speaker 2: And that's that's such a beautiful thing to have, Like

929
00:48:25,520 --> 00:48:28,480
Speaker 2: if you know that your relationship, like there's two people

930
00:48:28,840 --> 00:48:31,920
Speaker 2: who genuinely want to work on it. There's such hope, Like,

931
00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:35,120
Speaker 2: no matter what happens, life happens, we all get stressed out,

932
00:48:35,160 --> 00:48:38,919
Speaker 2: we all pick toxic patterns sometimes because the world pips

933
00:48:38,960 --> 00:48:41,520
Speaker 2: on our shoulders. And I think a big part of

934
00:48:41,560 --> 00:48:43,400
Speaker 2: me and my message is that I always try and

935
00:48:43,400 --> 00:48:46,600
Speaker 2: say like, you're not like your past reactions, you're your

936
00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:49,479
Speaker 2: future decisions. So as long as you kind of sit

937
00:48:49,560 --> 00:48:52,000
Speaker 2: back and self reflect and go, I don't like the

938
00:48:52,040 --> 00:48:54,360
Speaker 2: way I handled that in that moment, I'm really sorry.

939
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:56,279
Speaker 2: In the future, I'm going to try and do this.

940
00:48:56,360 --> 00:48:58,040
Speaker 2: And in the future, if you can try and support

941
00:48:58,040 --> 00:48:59,640
Speaker 2: me like this, then amazing.

942
00:49:00,080 --> 00:49:03,880
Speaker 1: H Yes, I love that so much. And it's also

943
00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:08,520
Speaker 1: like what's that saying of the grass is greener where

944
00:49:08,520 --> 00:49:11,760
Speaker 1: you water it, Like, you know, you might look around

945
00:49:11,760 --> 00:49:13,719
Speaker 1: and be like, oh, but you know, my friends are

946
00:49:13,719 --> 00:49:15,960
Speaker 1: over there. They look like they have the best relationship

947
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:18,000
Speaker 1: and they always post on Instagram like they're in love,

948
00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:21,439
Speaker 1: and you know, compare yourself. But as long as you're

949
00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:24,520
Speaker 1: willing to work on your own relationship and also I

950
00:49:24,560 --> 00:49:28,560
Speaker 1: guess willing to be quite self aware of what you're

951
00:49:28,600 --> 00:49:32,319
Speaker 1: maybe contributing to make it not so great too, is

952
00:49:32,360 --> 00:49:34,720
Speaker 1: such a huge thing. Like I've definitely had light bulb

953
00:49:34,880 --> 00:49:37,720
Speaker 1: moments in the past of you know, me and Tim's

954
00:49:37,760 --> 00:49:40,520
Speaker 1: relationship of where I'm like, oh, you know, I probably

955
00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:43,840
Speaker 1: haven't been showing up as you know, the perfect partner

956
00:49:44,200 --> 00:49:46,560
Speaker 1: and it's time to you know, shift gears and get

957
00:49:46,600 --> 00:49:47,160
Speaker 1: back in there.

958
00:49:49,840 --> 00:49:52,720
Speaker 2: It's funny, but it's so true. Like we're so quick

959
00:49:52,880 --> 00:49:55,040
Speaker 2: to kind of say like, I want you to be

960
00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:58,040
Speaker 2: a safe, form vulnerable place, please like and then not

961
00:49:58,320 --> 00:50:00,719
Speaker 2: that if we reflect, well, like I'm not actually being

962
00:50:00,760 --> 00:50:04,120
Speaker 2: like the safest, most vulnerable, warmest places either, but I want.

963
00:50:04,000 --> 00:50:04,760
Speaker 1: You to do it first.

964
00:50:05,400 --> 00:50:05,719
Speaker 3: I know.

965
00:50:06,080 --> 00:50:09,440
Speaker 1: Sometimes like what was I saying to Tim the other day? Oh,

966
00:50:09,520 --> 00:50:12,720
Speaker 1: I was, I'm going through something at the moment where

967
00:50:13,360 --> 00:50:15,640
Speaker 1: actually like this is a couple of months ago, and

968
00:50:15,680 --> 00:50:18,799
Speaker 1: I was, you know, struggling with mum guilt, and I

969
00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:21,719
Speaker 1: was kind of saying to Tim like, oh on the weekend,

970
00:50:21,880 --> 00:50:25,000
Speaker 1: Tim was, Tim's really good with you know, he looks

971
00:50:25,040 --> 00:50:27,640
Speaker 1: after Ivy all week and he's really good at carving

972
00:50:27,760 --> 00:50:31,160
Speaker 1: time out for himself, for him and his friends because

973
00:50:31,160 --> 00:50:33,279
Speaker 1: he knows he needs that to you know, recharge and

974
00:50:33,320 --> 00:50:35,719
Speaker 1: then be the best at for Ivy. So he's really

975
00:50:35,760 --> 00:50:38,440
Speaker 1: good at like booking in golf days and like booking,

976
00:50:38,640 --> 00:50:40,360
Speaker 1: like goes to car shows and does all this like

977
00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:44,160
Speaker 1: random things. He's also a social butterfly, so he's really

978
00:50:44,160 --> 00:50:46,080
Speaker 1: good at that and just like, you know, are you

979
00:50:46,120 --> 00:50:48,360
Speaker 1: free to look after Ivy if I'm not with booking

980
00:50:48,360 --> 00:50:50,919
Speaker 1: a babysitter, Like, he's just very black and white. He's

981
00:50:50,960 --> 00:50:55,439
Speaker 1: not worried, whereas sometimes I was kind of tripping of like, oh,

982
00:50:55,480 --> 00:50:57,479
Speaker 1: but I work all week so I can't do something

983
00:50:57,480 --> 00:50:59,520
Speaker 1: on the weekend because I should be spending my time

984
00:50:59,560 --> 00:51:02,600
Speaker 1: with iv And then if I did want to do

985
00:51:02,680 --> 00:51:05,239
Speaker 1: something on the weekend, I'd be like, oh, I you know,

986
00:51:05,320 --> 00:51:07,000
Speaker 1: Saturday morning, I want to go for a beach walk

987
00:51:07,040 --> 00:51:09,919
Speaker 1: and journal by myself. And he'd be like, yeah, sure,

988
00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:12,400
Speaker 1: and I would be like, I want you to encourage

989
00:51:12,440 --> 00:51:14,640
Speaker 1: me to go have my time and I want you

990
00:51:14,760 --> 00:51:18,920
Speaker 1: to you know, basically giving myself permission. But I wanted

991
00:51:18,960 --> 00:51:21,600
Speaker 1: it from him, and he was like, but what do

992
00:51:21,680 --> 00:51:23,480
Speaker 1: you mean, like you don't do that to me, like

993
00:51:24,719 --> 00:51:26,920
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I Like I sat back and I

994
00:51:26,960 --> 00:51:29,399
Speaker 1: thought about it, and I was wanting something from him,

995
00:51:29,680 --> 00:51:33,160
Speaker 1: where yeah, like I just I wanted him to show

996
00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:35,440
Speaker 1: up in a different way. And it's not even like

997
00:51:35,520 --> 00:51:37,880
Speaker 1: I was showing up for him in that way. So

998
00:51:37,960 --> 00:51:40,680
Speaker 1: I'm like, it's true. I can't just be like, oh,

999
00:51:40,800 --> 00:51:42,080
Speaker 1: I want you to do this, and I want you

1000
00:51:42,080 --> 00:51:44,040
Speaker 1: to do that, whereas you know, I'm not bringing it

1001
00:51:44,080 --> 00:51:46,440
Speaker 1: to the table too. So that was such a good

1002
00:51:46,480 --> 00:51:49,279
Speaker 1: realization and I was like, huh, that's true.

1003
00:51:49,640 --> 00:51:51,239
Speaker 2: And I think it's funny because you kind of just

1004
00:51:51,280 --> 00:51:53,920
Speaker 2: said it there as well, like you were wanting him

1005
00:51:54,160 --> 00:51:58,040
Speaker 2: to give you like what you needed from yourself. Yes,

1006
00:51:58,120 --> 00:52:00,319
Speaker 2: which is like as well where I think we get

1007
00:52:00,360 --> 00:52:02,600
Speaker 2: like really a lines cross sometimes because there's been so

1008
00:52:02,640 --> 00:52:04,680
Speaker 2: many times in relationships in the past where I've been

1009
00:52:04,719 --> 00:52:07,879
Speaker 2: like I want you to make me feel really appreciated

1010
00:52:07,920 --> 00:52:10,840
Speaker 2: and respected and important. And then after liked to go

1011
00:52:10,880 --> 00:52:13,359
Speaker 2: through my healing journey, I was like, oh, I have

1012
00:52:13,440 --> 00:52:16,080
Speaker 2: to do that too, like I can't just give my

1013
00:52:16,239 --> 00:52:16,840
Speaker 2: power away.

1014
00:52:17,640 --> 00:52:20,160
Speaker 1: Well that's exactly what happens is. I went and head

1015
00:52:20,200 --> 00:52:22,319
Speaker 1: coffee with a friend and I was like talking through it,

1016
00:52:22,640 --> 00:52:24,719
Speaker 1: and as I said it, I went, oh, wait, this

1017
00:52:24,800 --> 00:52:27,879
Speaker 1: is something I need to give to myself. We had

1018
00:52:27,880 --> 00:52:29,480
Speaker 1: a good laugh and then I went and had a

1019
00:52:29,560 --> 00:52:31,680
Speaker 1: journal and I was like, oh, okay, I feel better enough.

1020
00:52:32,560 --> 00:52:34,960
Speaker 1: I love them, And I think that is such a

1021
00:52:35,040 --> 00:52:38,960
Speaker 1: big thing in a relationship is often when I'm wanting

1022
00:52:39,040 --> 00:52:42,239
Speaker 1: something from Tim, I have to step back and go,

1023
00:52:42,960 --> 00:52:46,759
Speaker 1: I'm not giving that to myself. And also like I

1024
00:52:46,880 --> 00:52:49,120
Speaker 1: kind of find then once I kind of you know,

1025
00:52:49,200 --> 00:52:51,840
Speaker 1: hear myself and give it to myself and give myself,

1026
00:52:52,239 --> 00:52:55,280
Speaker 1: you know, the permission I want for whatever. He almost

1027
00:52:55,280 --> 00:52:57,640
Speaker 1: shows up in a different way too, because I have

1028
00:52:57,880 --> 00:53:00,480
Speaker 1: I show up as like a whole person rather than

1029
00:53:00,480 --> 00:53:02,120
Speaker 1: like constantly needing from him.

1030
00:53:02,600 --> 00:53:04,640
Speaker 2: I have a method that I work with with my

1031
00:53:04,800 --> 00:53:06,799
Speaker 2: like one on one coaching clients, and I teach them

1032
00:53:06,840 --> 00:53:10,040
Speaker 2: like we actually look at our relationship and want the

1033
00:53:10,080 --> 00:53:12,560
Speaker 2: needs that a whole village used to supply to us,

1034
00:53:12,560 --> 00:53:14,600
Speaker 2: Like we want them to be motivating and exciting, and

1035
00:53:14,640 --> 00:53:17,719
Speaker 2: we want the emotional support and the physical connection and

1036
00:53:17,880 --> 00:53:21,080
Speaker 2: you know everything. And I think it's really funny because

1037
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:23,799
Speaker 2: we get ourselves in this position where we start kind

1038
00:53:23,840 --> 00:53:25,960
Speaker 2: of asking for every need to be met, and a

1039
00:53:26,040 --> 00:53:27,879
Speaker 2: lot of the time they are. But the one time

1040
00:53:27,880 --> 00:53:30,680
Speaker 2: they drop the ball, we're kind of like angry and

1041
00:53:30,719 --> 00:53:33,239
Speaker 2: we'll hang on to that one thing. And it's why

1042
00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:37,880
Speaker 2: it's so important to keep dating yourself even outside the relationship,

1043
00:53:37,960 --> 00:53:39,759
Speaker 2: doing exactly what you're doing, like going to the beach

1044
00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:42,840
Speaker 2: and having a journal and having those moments. When we

1045
00:53:42,840 --> 00:53:46,319
Speaker 2: start dating someone, it's super super easy to be like, oh,

1046
00:53:46,440 --> 00:53:49,200
Speaker 2: they now fill my whole cup. But unfortunately the stresses

1047
00:53:49,320 --> 00:53:52,960
Speaker 2: and life events come back and the novelty kind of

1048
00:53:52,960 --> 00:53:54,640
Speaker 2: wears off. So we've got to make sure we're still

1049
00:53:54,719 --> 00:53:58,080
Speaker 2: filling our own cup by going out and doing things

1050
00:53:58,120 --> 00:54:00,640
Speaker 2: and seeing people and getting to meet people and doing

1051
00:54:00,680 --> 00:54:01,120
Speaker 2: new things.

1052
00:54:01,640 --> 00:54:05,320
Speaker 1: I love that so much. Dating yourself that's so important.

1053
00:54:05,000 --> 00:54:08,000
Speaker 2: Absolutely, and it would change your whole relationship if you

1054
00:54:08,080 --> 00:54:10,440
Speaker 2: do this, because all of a sudden, you're not in

1055
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:12,879
Speaker 2: each other's faces all the time. It's like you're off

1056
00:54:12,960 --> 00:54:14,799
Speaker 2: like filling your own needs and you're talking about what

1057
00:54:14,840 --> 00:54:16,480
Speaker 2: you've done, and you're so exciting, and they see this

1058
00:54:16,600 --> 00:54:19,000
Speaker 2: passion in you and it's kind of like whoa Like,

1059
00:54:19,200 --> 00:54:22,080
Speaker 2: who is this person? Like this is so exciting and

1060
00:54:22,120 --> 00:54:24,120
Speaker 2: it gives you more things to talk about, particularly if

1061
00:54:24,120 --> 00:54:25,960
Speaker 2: you've been together for like a long time.

1062
00:54:27,120 --> 00:54:30,919
Speaker 1: I love that so much, Simmy. It has been such

1063
00:54:31,000 --> 00:54:33,640
Speaker 1: a pleasure to have you on the show, and just

1064
00:54:33,680 --> 00:54:36,719
Speaker 1: thank you so much for answering all our you know,

1065
00:54:37,400 --> 00:54:42,120
Speaker 1: intimacy and relationship cues. It's very insightful and it has

1066
00:54:42,200 --> 00:54:43,400
Speaker 1: been such a pleasure.

1067
00:54:43,560 --> 00:54:45,919
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for having me. I've loved every

1068
00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:46,560
Speaker 2: second of it.

1069
00:54:46,719 --> 00:54:50,399
Speaker 1: And could you let the RNC community know where they

1070
00:54:50,440 --> 00:54:53,680
Speaker 1: can find you, where they can find this intimacy challenge

1071
00:54:53,719 --> 00:54:54,880
Speaker 1: and all those good things.

1072
00:54:55,560 --> 00:54:57,880
Speaker 2: Yes, sure so on TikTok you can find me and

1073
00:54:57,920 --> 00:55:04,400
Speaker 2: it's at academy so Academy or on Instagram for Jah

1074
00:55:04,480 --> 00:55:09,480
Speaker 2: dot Academy, or alternatively you can download the jat Academy

1075
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:13,680
Speaker 2: app from your place store or iosto amazing.

1076
00:55:13,880 --> 00:55:15,720
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for coming on the show.

1077
00:55:15,920 --> 00:55:17,239
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for having me.

1078
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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to another episode of

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Speaker 1: the Rise and Conquer podcast. If you enjoyed it and

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Speaker 1: want more, come connect with us on Instagram at Riseinconquer

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Speaker 1: dot podcast and join our Facebook discussion group, a Rise

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Speaker 1: and Concer podcast community. We're an independent podcast and we

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Speaker 1: have a small team, so we do appreciate your time

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Speaker 1: and support. If you have a spare moment, a follow

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Speaker 1: or subscribe on whatever platform you listen to would be

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Speaker 1: so amazing, And look, if you're feeling extra kind, a

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Speaker 1: review on Apple Podcasts would be great,