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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, the one third who thrived, the one third who

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Speaker 2: rows above their circumstances, had one significant, supportive, stable adult

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Speaker 2: in their lives.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My Mum

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Speaker 1: and Dad.

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Speaker 2: Today a really big topic on The Happy Family's podcast

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Speaker 2: talking about why some kids thrive despite adversity when life

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Speaker 2: is tough. Why is it that some kids are strong

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Speaker 2: They kind of stand tall and say come on, life,

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Speaker 2: try me, and others crouch in the corner and grab

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Speaker 2: the blanky and say why me glad? This is doctor

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Speaker 2: Justin Courslin here with Kylie, my wife and mum to

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Speaker 2: our six kids and pretty excited Kylie. Tonight, it's the

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Speaker 2: night Parental Guidance hits Channel nine as we investigate parenting

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Speaker 2: styles of ten families in the country and look at

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Speaker 2: who has the best parenting style.

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Speaker 3: It's the biggest responsibility of our lives. We want our

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Speaker 3: children to be the good in the world.

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Speaker 2: Raising a child, but how do you know, think about

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Speaker 2: the happiest time in your name?

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Speaker 3: You're doing it right?

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Speaker 4: Are you gonna watch it with us?

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Speaker 2: Am I gonna watch it with you? Yes, I can't wait.

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Speaker 2: I'm actually looking forward to seeing the kids and how

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Speaker 2: they respond to it. I think it's going to be

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Speaker 2: really exciting. Are you gonna watch it with this?

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Speaker 4: Of course, if it means I get to eat some popcorn.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I was gonna say, so long as we get

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Speaker 2: the popcorn going. We've got this tradition in our home

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Speaker 2: when we cook the popcorn, we do it on the

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Speaker 2: stove in some oil. We use the popcorn kernels, and

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Speaker 2: I just love taking the lid off the popcorn and

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Speaker 2: watching it pop everywhere and the kids scramble for the popcorn.

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Speaker 3: It's embarrassing, but it's fun.

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Speaker 4: Hey.

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Speaker 2: We received some pretty cool feedback the other day about

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Speaker 2: an episode that was fun, but it wasn't really well,

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Speaker 2: let's say it wasn't one of my best moments. It

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Speaker 2: wasn't a podcast where I thought.

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Speaker 3: Gee, I gave great advice. But the feedback was overwhelming.

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Speaker 4: She said, thanks so much for the podcast episode not

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Speaker 4: to what I expected.

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Speaker 2: So just in case you missed that episode, we will

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Speaker 2: link to it in the show notes. But we really

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Speaker 2: just talked about the embarrassing things that our kids do

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Speaker 2: to us, like and most of it related to toilets

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Speaker 2: and nakedness, didn't it.

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Speaker 3: I mean, that was pretty much it.

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Speaker 4: She said her family had experienced a terrifying experience two

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Speaker 4: nights before. A truck driver had taken out a utility

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Speaker 4: pole in their front yard and they had literally been

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Speaker 4: stuck inside for up to twelve hours waiting for emergency

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Speaker 4: help to come in. Wow, there was electrical wires, live wires,

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Speaker 4: you know, screaming and through the air, and it was very,

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Speaker 4: very scary. And she just said that her mind and

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Speaker 4: body had been shrunk into a state of intense stress

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Speaker 4: and tension, and she kept playing over the incidents and

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Speaker 4: what ifs and just feeling completely and utterly out of control.

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Speaker 4: But she said, on my drive home yesterday, while Kylie

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Speaker 4: told the story about the kids using their Bunder s

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Speaker 4: Wiper credit card along with the other stories, she said,

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Speaker 4: I laughed hysterically, and she said, and I finally felt

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Speaker 4: my body released those feel good chemicals and the tension

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Speaker 4: finally started to leave my body. Of what's probably seemed

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Speaker 4: like just a silly episode for you has had such

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Speaker 4: an impact on me.

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Speaker 2: Wow, Well that's so great. So we will link once

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Speaker 2: again to that because it was. I mean, there wasn't

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Speaker 2: a whole lot of parenting advice in there, but it

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Speaker 2: was done funny.

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Speaker 3: So we'll linked at that one shortly.

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Speaker 2: All Right, So we've got a question that's come through,

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Speaker 2: And normally we answer listener questions on a Tuesday, but

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Speaker 2: there's this thing happening with this TV show, and I

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Speaker 2: think that our podcast is going to be pretty pretty

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Speaker 2: busy talking about everything that's happening in parental guidance, So

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Speaker 2: we thought we'd sneak it from Tuesday into Monday.

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Speaker 3: And who asked the question? And what is it? Klote?

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Speaker 4: Amy Lee asked a great question. She said, does anyone

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Speaker 4: know why some kids thrive despite adversity? She went on

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Speaker 4: to just say she had a pretty traumatic childhood and

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Speaker 4: she has some lingering issues with anxiety and depression, but

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Speaker 4: in spite of that, she's actually been able to be

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Speaker 4: a functional member of society, a loving mum, and can

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Speaker 4: honestly say that she strives to do and be better

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Speaker 4: every day. So another family member in the same home

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Speaker 4: went through the same parenting hasn't fared as well as

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Speaker 4: she has. He's so disorganized, he struggles with anxiety and

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Speaker 4: depression and just executive function skills are really really challenging.

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Speaker 4: She worries about them all the time, and so she

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Speaker 4: just wonders why some people come out of trauma and

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Speaker 4: are an exception to the rule, and how we can

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Speaker 4: promote this in our kids.

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Speaker 2: Well, I've written a book about it called Nine Ways

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Speaker 2: to a Resilient Child. So I could probably talk about

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Speaker 2: this for the next four weeks, but obviously this is

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Speaker 2: the podcast for the time poor parent who just wants

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Speaker 2: answers now, So I reckon, there's probably let's say five things. Gosh,

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Speaker 2: I feel guilty only saying five things, but when I

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Speaker 2: think about the best research over the last let's say

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Speaker 2: five to six decades, I'm going to pick on five

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Speaker 2: things that I think will give us the biggest head

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Speaker 2: start in getting in front of this to help our

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Speaker 2: children if they're going through trying times, so that they

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Speaker 2: can be resilient and thrive despite the adversity.

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Speaker 4: It's interesting sing you think about it without trauma in

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Speaker 4: the picture. Just going to see a movie. You have

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Speaker 4: a whole heap of people in the room, and everyone

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Speaker 4: feels differently about it. So I'm wondering what your five

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Speaker 4: tips are.

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Speaker 2: Okay, So the first thing we've got to take into

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Speaker 2: account is just the personality of the child, the temperament,

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Speaker 2: and the environment. So I've said that's one thing, but

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Speaker 2: it's kind of grouping three things together all at once.

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Speaker 2: But these are kinds of These are the things that

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Speaker 2: we can't actually do very much about. They just are

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Speaker 2: what they are. Like as an individual, I can't do

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Speaker 2: much about my personality. Personality traits are fairly stable across time.

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Speaker 2: They don't change a whole lot like we do change

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Speaker 2: throughout our lives. But we're pretty stable. And it's the

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Speaker 2: same with our temperament. You might be a difficult person,

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Speaker 2: or you might be a slow to warm up personal

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Speaker 2: or you might be a really easy going person. Those

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Speaker 2: personality and temperament aspects, they're just there and everybody's different.

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Speaker 2: So Amy Lee might be a really easy going temperament

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Speaker 2: or a slightly anxious, slow to warm up temperament, whereas

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Speaker 2: the other person that she mentioned might just be one

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Speaker 2: of those difficult kind of people, or maybe somebody's a

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Speaker 2: little bit more neurotic than the other And that's just

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Speaker 2: a personality.

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Speaker 3: It's literally kind of the way they are from a

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Speaker 3: personality point of view.

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Speaker 2: And the third thing that I mentioned as part of

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Speaker 2: this first idea is just the environment. Like there are

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Speaker 2: some things that you can't control about your environment. For example,

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Speaker 2: you can't control whether you're born into a wealthy, democratic

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Speaker 2: country or whether you're born into a totalitarian governed country

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Speaker 2: that is in poverty. Like, you just can't control everything

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Speaker 2: in your environment. As a kid, you go to the

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Speaker 2: school that your parents send you to, or you live

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Speaker 2: in the house or the neighborhood or the suburb that

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Speaker 2: your parents live in, full stop and a story.

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Speaker 4: And yet time and time again you hear these stories though,

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Speaker 4: of people who are in just the most depraved situations. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: you rise above it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's exactly right.

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Speaker 2: So I love that example, and it reminds me of

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Speaker 2: a research paper, in fact, a research project that ended

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Speaker 2: up lasting forty years by a research called Emmy Werner,

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Speaker 2: one of the original big time resilience researchers, And what

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Speaker 2: she found was that people who were born into these

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Speaker 2: indigent circumstances, about two thirds of them, they kind of

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Speaker 2: just repeat the sins of their parents, if I can

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Speaker 2: use that sort of old fashioned term. Whatever happen was

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Speaker 2: under them, they just kept on doing to the next generation.

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Speaker 2: But about one third of them didn't. And so that's

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Speaker 2: why I put that first, because the environment, the personality

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Speaker 2: of the temperament, that's all kind of stuff that you

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Speaker 2: can't do a whole lot about.

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Speaker 3: It just is what it is.

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Speaker 2: But the next four things that I'm going to mention,

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Speaker 2: they all came out of her research, and more and

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Speaker 2: more data supports what she found. And the first of

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Speaker 2: those four is the kids, the one third who thrived,

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Speaker 2: the one third who, like you said, rows above their circumstances,

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Speaker 2: had one significant, supportive, stable adult in their lives. Sometimes

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Speaker 2: it was their parent, but sometimes it wasn't because the

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Speaker 2: parents were in jail, or the parents were alcohol or

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Speaker 2: other drug users and abuses, or the dad wasn't there,

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Speaker 2: and there was just a steady stream of different men

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Speaker 2: coming through the house.

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Speaker 3: So it wasn't always a parent.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes it was a school teacher or a grandma, or

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Speaker 2: an aunty, or an uncle, or a neighbor, or a

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Speaker 2: Scout leader or a church pastor or whatever it might be.

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Speaker 2: But one supportive, stable adult who was always there. There's

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Speaker 2: something extraordinary about having that in your background to help

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Speaker 2: you to get through hard things.

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Speaker 4: Does the research suggest that that one person has to

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Speaker 4: be constant throughout their life.

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Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be one person constant, but the

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Speaker 2: more stability there is, the better. You don't want to

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Speaker 2: have somebody there for a week and then somebody else

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Speaker 2: for a week. Of course that's going to promote instability.

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Speaker 4: But yeah, I think back over my life and while

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Speaker 4: I didn't necessarily have someone throughout my whole childhood, there

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Speaker 4: was always one adult outside of my family that was

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Speaker 4: just there and they were there for four or five years,

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Speaker 4: and then I kind of went on to my next

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Speaker 4: season or we moved house and there was another adult

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Speaker 4: that I looked up to, and I just it made

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Speaker 4: such a difference to have multiple people in my life

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Speaker 4: that I could look up to and glean from.

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Speaker 2: So that's the number one, like that is the most

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Speaker 2: important factor when it comes to helping people to thrive

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Speaker 2: despite adversity. The second one I'm going to mention after

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Speaker 2: the break.

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Speaker 1: It's their Happy Famili's podcast.

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Speaker 4: For a happier family, Try a Happy Families membership, because

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Speaker 4: a happy family doesn't just happen.

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Speaker 3: Details at happy families dot com dot au.

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Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers now and today we

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Speaker 4: are answering Amy's question, why do some kids thrive despite adversity?

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Speaker 2: So we've covered off how sometimes it's related to personality

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Speaker 2: and temper and environment temperament, I should say, an environment,

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Speaker 2: but also the presence of one stable, supportive, secure adult

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Speaker 2: who's right there. I know as I was reflecting on that,

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Speaker 2: just when we took that pause for a moment, for

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Speaker 2: the break, and I was thinking many of the things

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Speaker 2: that we've done in our lives, the risks that we've taken,

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Speaker 2: the chances that we've decided to have a go with,

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Speaker 2: we've only don because we've always known that in the background,

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Speaker 2: somebody was there as a support. Somebody was there saying

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Speaker 2: I believe in you. Somebody was there saying I think

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Speaker 2: you can do this. Somebody that we could counsel with

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Speaker 2: or lean on the power of that one support of

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Speaker 2: adults just so important. I can't emphasize it enough.

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Speaker 4: And I don't think it changes even as we grow older.

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Speaker 4: I don't think it's a child thing. I think that

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Speaker 4: as we go throughout life, feeling like we've got that village,

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Speaker 4: feeling like we've got that one person or a handful

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Speaker 4: of people who are just there rallying behind us and

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Speaker 4: supporting us in everything we do.

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Speaker 2: We celebrate independence and we try to raise our kids

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Speaker 2: to be independent. That's what our culture does, but I

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Speaker 2: don't think it's actually healthy. We really want interdependence. We

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Speaker 2: want to learn how to do what we need to

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Speaker 2: on our own, because it's good to be able to

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Speaker 2: be self sufficient. But relying on other people and bringing

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Speaker 2: the community together, our community of loved ones, friends, neighbors,

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Speaker 2: whoever it might.

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Speaker 3: Be, that that helps us to be.

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Speaker 2: So much more resilient. We need people so that we

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Speaker 2: can thrive. The third one a sense of mastery over life.

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Speaker 2: Emmy Wo and her research team and others since then

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Speaker 2: have found that when we feel like we are able

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Speaker 2: to grapple with the challenges that come our way, when

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Speaker 2: we feel like, yeah, it's big and it's coming at me,

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Speaker 2: but I know that if I grab that bull by

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Speaker 2: the horns and wrestle it, I'm going to be able

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Speaker 2: to roll it over and win. I don't know why

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Speaker 2: it suddenly became a bull in my metaphor, but whatever

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Speaker 2: it is, there's big challenge that's coming at us. If

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Speaker 2: we can grab it and roll it over and get

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Speaker 2: on top of it and conquer it. A sense of mastery,

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Speaker 2: a sense of capability, a sense of competence is critical.

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Speaker 2: And when we feel like it's too big, it's coming

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Speaker 2: too fast, there's just overwhelm. I don't have the competence,

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Speaker 2: I don't have the ability to master this. That's when

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Speaker 2: resilience plummets and we see our children struggle under the

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Speaker 2: adverse experiences that they encounter in childhood.

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Speaker 4: So how do we actually help our children feel like

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Speaker 4: they have that competence.

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Speaker 2: We expose them to challenges and don't helicopter We don't

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Speaker 2: swoop in and say, oh, that's too hard, or that's

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Speaker 2: too dangerous, or that's too risky. We let them develop

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Speaker 2: a sense of what's risky and what's hard and what's challenging,

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Speaker 2: and then we gently support them. Remember that first one

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Speaker 2: one stable, supportive adult who's there. When we see our

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Speaker 2: child struggle, we walk over to them and we pick

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Speaker 2: them up and give them a hug and say that

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Speaker 2: was really hard, wasn't it.

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Speaker 3: Let's try again.

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Speaker 2: We don't have to do that for everything all the time,

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Speaker 2: but as they encounter difficulties at the age of two

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Speaker 2: and learn how to conquer them. They're more equipped and

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Speaker 2: capable of conquering bigger challenges. At the age of three

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Speaker 2: or four and five and six, when we do too

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Speaker 2: much for them, they don't get that sense of mastery.

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Speaker 2: They become dependent. And it's like the child who never

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Speaker 2: gets to walk. They don't develop the leg muscles to

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Speaker 2: support their body as the body grows, and they won't

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Speaker 2: be able to use their body healthily.

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Speaker 4: I remember one day taking the kids to a rock

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Speaker 4: climbing facility and there was a small a smaller area

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Speaker 4: where toddlers could have a go at the climb wall,

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Speaker 4: and I remembered watching this parent with this small little

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Speaker 4: toddler who was trying to navigate the wall and was

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Speaker 4: really really struggling with it. And sometimes our desire is

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Speaker 4: to just put their foot in the next safehold to

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Speaker 4: show them how to do it. And yet I watched

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Speaker 4: this parent just that were close by, but they just

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Speaker 4: let their child work it out, and it took five

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Speaker 4: or six attempts to kind of work out where their

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Speaker 4: next foot needed to go before they could move up

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Speaker 4: a little bit. And it was so amazing to watch

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Speaker 4: because the elation on this kid's face as he kind

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Speaker 4: of went I just did. That was so exciting.

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Speaker 2: So we've got the personality, the temperament, the environment. Then

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Speaker 2: we've got the power of the relationship. We've got a

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Speaker 2: sense of mastery. The last two strong executive function and

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Speaker 2: self regulation, the ability to pause, be in the moment,

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Speaker 2: think things through, inhibit behavior, act when we need to.

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Speaker 2: That's something that develops over time, and it usually in

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Speaker 2: harmony with those other things, but it's crucial to help

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Speaker 2: us to thrive despite adversity. And in Amy's email to us,

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Speaker 2: she highlighted that that other family member just really seemed

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Speaker 2: to struggle with executive function and self regulation and Amy

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Speaker 2: Warness research and that of many other researchers since has

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Speaker 2: shown that it's critical for resilience and the last one

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Speaker 2: supportive context of affirming faith or cultural traditions. So this

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Speaker 2: research began in the nineteen fifties and went through the

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Speaker 2: nineteen nineties, and right at the very heart of all

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Speaker 2: of this was this sense of community, this bond that

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Speaker 2: came through shared faith traditions or shared cultural traditions. What

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Speaker 2: we've seen increasingly over the last ten to twenty years,

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Speaker 2: particularly in Australia, is a real move away from faith

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Speaker 2: traditions and a move away from cultural traditions.

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Speaker 3: It seems that it's.

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Speaker 2: Good to celebrate certain cultural traditions, but many people are

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Speaker 2: trying to become homogenized, and there's a move away from

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Speaker 2: the very things that used to unite people. The ceremony,

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Speaker 2: the tradition, the sense that we all go and participate

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Speaker 2: in this stuff together and we all learn and grow

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Speaker 2: through it.

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Speaker 3: And yet that's critically important for resilience.

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Speaker 2: It helps people to develop a sense of identity and

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Speaker 2: knowledge of who they are. And as I reflect on

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Speaker 2: these things, I can't help but think of my favorite

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Speaker 2: psychology theory and how much it blends into all of this.

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Speaker 2: If you want your kids to thrive despite adversity, they

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Speaker 2: need to have great relationships. They need to have a

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Speaker 2: sense of competence and mastery and a feeling that they're

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Speaker 2: in control, like they can control things. They've got autonomy relatedness.

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Speaker 2: Competence and autonomy fit in so well with having a supportive,

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Speaker 2: stable adult, a sense of mastery over life, and strong

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Speaker 2: executive function and self regulation. You throw in that sense

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Speaker 2: of community and that last one, and you've got the

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Speaker 2: recipe to help children overcome adverse childhood experiences and with

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Speaker 2: a thriving, resilient life amily.

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Speaker 4: I hope that that answers your question.

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Speaker 2: We really hope that you've enjoyed the podcast and that's

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Speaker 2: helpful for you as you try to raise resilient, happy kids.

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Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruhlan from

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Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. Tonight's The

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Speaker 2: Night A quick reminder parental guidance Channel nine for our

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Speaker 2: Australian audience seven point thirty PM. Let's watch these parenting

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Speaker 2: styles in action and see if we can discover Australia's

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Speaker 2: best parenting style. I can't wait to see you on

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Speaker 2: the Telly. Have a great day, and if you'd like

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Speaker 2: more info about making your family happy, visit happy families

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Speaker 2: dot com dot a