1 00:00:00,840 --> 00:00:04,240 Speaker 1: What's your first instinct When you're about to take a 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,400 Speaker 1: big risk. A lot of us start catastrophizing. We run 3 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 1: through every possible thing that could go wrong. People might 4 00:00:13,119 --> 00:00:16,279 Speaker 1: judge me, I could lose money, I could fail. But 5 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:20,360 Speaker 1: my guest, Layel's Stone, educator and author of Own Your Story, 6 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:25,799 Speaker 1: suggests flipping the script. Instead of asking how bad could 7 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:30,960 Speaker 1: it be? Ask how good could it get. By the 8 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 1: end of this quick win, you'll understand how to use 9 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:39,000 Speaker 1: this simple but powerful reframe the next time you're hesitating 10 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:49,479 Speaker 1: about a bold move. Welcome to How I Work, a 11 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:53,560 Speaker 1: show about habits, rituals, and strategies for optimizing your day. 12 00:00:54,160 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 1: I'm your host, Doctor Amantha Imber. I want to talk 13 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,800 Speaker 1: about imprints around success and happiness, which I found really 14 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:08,280 Speaker 1: interesting and that as humans, a lot of us have 15 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:11,720 Speaker 1: the tendency to ask how bad could it be? And 16 00:01:11,959 --> 00:01:14,640 Speaker 1: you invite people to ask a different question. Can you 17 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:15,560 Speaker 1: tell me more about that? 18 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,360 Speaker 2: So I think again. Our default is to always troubleshoot, 19 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,520 Speaker 2: to go what could go wrong? Right, especially when we're 20 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,640 Speaker 2: going to do something new, We're often like this could happen? 21 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:25,399 Speaker 2: That could happen. People might judge me, I might lose 22 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,759 Speaker 2: whole lot of money, like all the things right, and 23 00:01:27,959 --> 00:01:31,319 Speaker 2: we are hardwired to look for all the problems because 24 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,840 Speaker 2: we're coming from protection. We're always coming from protection, we're 25 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,520 Speaker 2: always trying to keep ourselves safe. But the other question 26 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,600 Speaker 2: that the flip of that is well how good could 27 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,680 Speaker 2: it get? Right? And I think when we flip that 28 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:43,880 Speaker 2: thinking a little bit to being like, well what could 29 00:01:43,959 --> 00:01:45,440 Speaker 2: go right? What could be possible? 30 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:45,640 Speaker 1: Here? 31 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:49,480 Speaker 2: Again we open ourselves up to the potential of the possibility. 32 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:54,000 Speaker 2: So I have found that again just purely through safety 33 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,800 Speaker 2: rights in trying to keep ourselves safe. When we're thinking 34 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,400 Speaker 2: about doing something new, when we're taking a leap forward, 35 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:02,240 Speaker 2: we have this really limited way of thinking this might happen, 36 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,720 Speaker 2: and we go into all the logistics. But when you 37 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:06,800 Speaker 2: ask something like well how good could it get what 38 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:09,120 Speaker 2: you're doing is you're opening yourself up to possibilities you 39 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,680 Speaker 2: didn't even know that exists. And so when we are 40 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 2: looking or whenever I'm looking at doing something new, taking 41 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:17,079 Speaker 2: a leap all that kind of stuff, I go, yeah, 42 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,760 Speaker 2: I usually have the wobbles of like, oh, that's a 43 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,840 Speaker 2: great idea, and these things may go wrong, and there's 44 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:22,919 Speaker 2: nothing wrong with thinking about that. We have to be smart, 45 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:27,280 Speaker 2: we need to troubleshoot, right, But I think the overriding feeling, 46 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 2: which can be really powerful, is well, how good could 47 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:33,400 Speaker 2: this be if I didn't care what people thought, if 48 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:37,000 Speaker 2: it wasn't about money, what could be possible here? And 49 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:40,040 Speaker 2: success is one of those tricky things where I think 50 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,440 Speaker 2: can be very layered for a lot of people. And again, 51 00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:44,520 Speaker 2: depending on the imprints that you have. Right, if you 52 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,760 Speaker 2: grew up in a family where your worth was really 53 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 2: only about how successful you were, then you are probably 54 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,560 Speaker 2: going to work really, really hard because your fundamental need 55 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,919 Speaker 2: is I need to be seen by my family of origin. 56 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:59,080 Speaker 2: So I'll create this business, I'll ard this much money. 57 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:02,120 Speaker 2: And then often what happens is we're still looking to go, yeah, 58 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:04,079 Speaker 2: do you see how successful I am? Do you see me? 59 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,280 Speaker 2: Do you love me? It often doesn't give us the 60 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:10,359 Speaker 2: feeling that we're looking for, because that longing to be seen, 61 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,000 Speaker 2: or that needing to be recognized is something can only 62 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:16,440 Speaker 2: come from within. It's not about everybody else's recognition. And 63 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,680 Speaker 2: there's enough evidence there. We know that people who are 64 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:22,880 Speaker 2: top athletes or musicians or billionaires, whatever it is you know, 65 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,840 Speaker 2: they can be some of the loneliest people on earth. 66 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:25,120 Speaker 1: Right. 67 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,160 Speaker 2: I also see with success is that if we grew 68 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:31,840 Speaker 2: up in a family of origin where people weren't what 69 00:03:31,919 --> 00:03:36,040 Speaker 2: we would consider really successful, we can often sabotage our 70 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:38,720 Speaker 2: own success because we can often feel like we're being 71 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,320 Speaker 2: disloyal to our family if we were to be successful. 72 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,160 Speaker 2: So I've seen this a bit with families where perhaps 73 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,800 Speaker 2: it's been a struggle either financially or I've had to 74 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,240 Speaker 2: work really hard. And part of what becomes that narrative 75 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,120 Speaker 2: in our families is we work really really hard, you know, 76 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,520 Speaker 2: or we struggle and that's what we do. And then 77 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,520 Speaker 2: if someone steps out of that and there's a lot 78 00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,240 Speaker 2: of flow in their life or perhaps there's a lot 79 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,000 Speaker 2: of success, what can sometimes happen over here is that 80 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,680 Speaker 2: family of origin can be quite judgmental of what you're doing. 81 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,320 Speaker 2: They can make fun of what it is, you know, 82 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 2: and then we can be having this feeling of like, well, 83 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,400 Speaker 2: they don't see me, and you know, maybe I don't 84 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:14,000 Speaker 2: belong anymore. So we actually can sabotage ourselves just to 85 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:16,919 Speaker 2: belong in that family of origin, And the work is 86 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,680 Speaker 2: often realizing, hey, it's safe for me to be success, 87 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,480 Speaker 2: you know, I belong in my family just because I'm 88 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,920 Speaker 2: part of that family, right, I don't need to behave 89 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,680 Speaker 2: in a certain way. I will always belong. But part 90 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,280 Speaker 2: of that movement towards growth is actually just changing those 91 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 2: belief systems and stories. It says it is safe for 92 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:35,240 Speaker 2: me to be successful, because I've seen a lot of 93 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:39,960 Speaker 2: people sabotage themselves in their greatness, usually because they feel 94 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,480 Speaker 2: disloyal to their family that they've come from. And it's 95 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,840 Speaker 2: often a deep, unconscious story. They don't even realize it 96 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 2: until we get to the kind of deeper levels and 97 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,479 Speaker 2: then they're like, oh, oh, there's a story I write 98 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,680 Speaker 2: in the book about a man I worked with, had 99 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:56,360 Speaker 2: amazing possibilities happening in his business, but he kept sabotaging 100 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:59,120 Speaker 2: or playing small and when we got to the bottom 101 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,680 Speaker 2: of it, really what it was about is he'd grown 102 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:04,880 Speaker 2: up with an older sister who was really often very 103 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,000 Speaker 2: jealous of him, and whenever he had any form of 104 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:10,120 Speaker 2: his success, you know, she tried to up one on him, 105 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:12,240 Speaker 2: and just there was a lot of tension that often 106 00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:15,080 Speaker 2: happened because she had a lot of insecurities and needed 107 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,080 Speaker 2: to be the best. And that was from when they 108 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,640 Speaker 2: were kids, and he was still playing it out now, right. 109 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 2: He was still in a place where I asked him 110 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:24,680 Speaker 2: to imagine how good could it be? How good could 111 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:27,440 Speaker 2: it get? Tell me the dream, imagine what it looks like. 112 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:29,880 Speaker 2: And he's dreaming about all the beautiful things. And I 113 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,640 Speaker 2: literally then ask him, okay, and who's here? And he goes, oh, 114 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,800 Speaker 2: my sister's just walked in. And I go and what 115 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,160 Speaker 2: she doing? And she's like, she's mad because I have 116 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,320 Speaker 2: all this success. And I was like, ah, and this 117 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,960 Speaker 2: is the complexities and the intricacies of families, right, Like 118 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:49,080 Speaker 2: my god, they can be so messy, but it actually 119 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,080 Speaker 2: filters into work like it does often it filters into 120 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,880 Speaker 2: many things. You know, when you think about the people 121 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:57,440 Speaker 2: you work with, often people who you know we sometimes 122 00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:01,159 Speaker 2: butt heads against or have challenges within work, how often 123 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:05,159 Speaker 2: have got similar traits to family members. I Mean, I'll 124 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,280 Speaker 2: often say if I'm working with someone who've got this 125 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,440 Speaker 2: colleague of mine, I'm like, who do they remind you of? Yeah, 126 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,160 Speaker 2: my younger brother, all right, or my mom or my dad, 127 00:06:12,279 --> 00:06:14,159 Speaker 2: you know, And I'm like, we have an opportunity to 128 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,479 Speaker 2: work through some of the stories and patterns that we've 129 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,760 Speaker 2: got because relationships is where we do the work. 130 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:23,120 Speaker 1: What stayed with me from this little excerpt is how 131 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,919 Speaker 1: quickly we default to fear and how different things feel 132 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,800 Speaker 1: when we pause and ask how good could this be? 133 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,760 Speaker 1: The Next time you're about to try something new and 134 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:36,880 Speaker 1: your mind starts spinning through worst case scenarios, just stop. 135 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:41,719 Speaker 1: Take Layelle's advice, ask the opposite question and let yourself 136 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,039 Speaker 1: imagine the best case. If you want to go deeper 137 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:49,360 Speaker 1: into this conversation with Layelle, you can find a link 138 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:53,680 Speaker 1: to both parts one and parts two of my bigger 139 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:57,160 Speaker 1: conversation in the show notes. If you like today's show, 140 00:06:57,279 --> 00:07:00,200 Speaker 1: make sure you get follow on your podcast app to 141 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:03,719 Speaker 1: be alerted when new episodes drop. How I Work was 142 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:06,800 Speaker 1: recorded on the traditional land of the Warringery people, part 143 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:07,640 Speaker 1: of the Coulan nation.