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Speaker 1: It's that quality of the connection that really is the

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Speaker 1: currency of our relationships. It's the Happy Families podcast. It's

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Speaker 1: the podcast for.

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Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just answers mew.

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Speaker 1: My name is doctor Justin Coulson, the author of six

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Speaker 1: books about raising happy families. I'm here with my wife

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Speaker 1: and the mum to our six daughters, missus Happy Families,

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Speaker 1: Kylie Coulson. This episode is the moment of truth episode. Really,

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Speaker 1: this is the old do Better Tomorrow update where we

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Speaker 1: kind of highlight that we're not really chasing perfection in parenting.

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Speaker 1: We're just trying to make our families happier.

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Speaker 2: I'm pretty exhausted this morning. I've had a really bad night.

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Speaker 1: Please you kept me up all night. I know I've

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Speaker 1: had a bad night sleep as well. You know it's

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Speaker 1: too thirty this morning, and I know it was yeah,

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Speaker 1: thank you? Or do you know what was keeping me up? No,

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Speaker 1: well it wasn't me, but you were keeping me up.

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Speaker 1: Why were you awake?

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Speaker 2: I was having podcasts conversations with you in my head

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Speaker 2: for hours, really, and you know what it made me

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Speaker 2: think about when we very first got married. You were

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Speaker 2: a radio announcer back then, and I don't know if

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Speaker 2: you remember this, but you used to talking asleep a lot. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: but one night in particular, you had me freaked out

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Speaker 2: because literally, bolt right up in bed. You're bashing the

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Speaker 2: end of our bed as though it was the radio

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Speaker 2: panel because you thought that you'd gone off air.

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Speaker 1: It was a recurring nightmare. It happened. It didn't happen

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Speaker 1: so much after we were married. But when I was

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Speaker 1: younger and I was first in radio, I used to

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Speaker 1: wake up in the middle of the all the time

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Speaker 1: thinking that the radio station had gone off air and

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Speaker 1: I was solely responsible for we'd gone dark? How did

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Speaker 1: we get the radio station back on air? And then

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Speaker 1: then I would realize that I was in bed, and

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Speaker 1: I think, oh no, we've gone off air, and I've

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Speaker 1: gone home and let the radio station go off here

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Speaker 1: like it was really this oriented. It was terrible. So well,

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Speaker 1: my situation was not as manic as that was.

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Speaker 3: The podcast good that you were. I had multi conversations.

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Speaker 3: I'm not sure which one to listen to. It was

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Speaker 3: as good as this one, So I'll do better tomorrow.

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Speaker 3: The idea here is that we recognize the things that

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Speaker 3: we're not doing so well. And I mean I guess

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Speaker 3: for somebody who listening to the podcast, it could be easy.

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Speaker 1: To assume that Justin and Kyleie have got it going great.

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Speaker 1: They know exactly what's going on. Justin it's got the PhD.

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Speaker 1: They've got the six kids. They're on fire. We have

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Speaker 1: our moments, and I want to start off this podcast

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Speaker 1: by highlighting a moment that I had that was really

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Speaker 1: really eye opening for me. So it's really inconvenient in

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Speaker 1: the mornings to get our year ten daughter to school.

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Speaker 1: Our year twelve daughter's done now, she's finished school, but

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Speaker 1: our year ten daughter, she's sort of ten minutes to

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Speaker 1: the east of us is where her school is. And

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Speaker 1: then the other three kids, their schools are to the

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Speaker 1: west of us and we ride them there. I mean,

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Speaker 1: we talk about that bike ride all the time on

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Speaker 1: the podcast because it's such a highlight for them and

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Speaker 1: for us. But because it's so challenging to travel with

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Speaker 1: Ella to her school, we've made the decision that I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to drive her anymore. It was inconvenient.

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Speaker 2: Well, we brought this up a couple of weeks ago

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Speaker 2: on the podcast because you actually had a conversation with

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Speaker 2: her about finding a suitable solution because the solution we

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Speaker 2: had at the time wasn't working. And now a few

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Speaker 2: weeks later, we've realized that the solution that you both

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Speaker 2: came up with was still not working.

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Speaker 1: Oh it was a good solution, but it was still

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Speaker 1: inconvenient because I had to drive twenty twenty five minutes

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Speaker 1: in the middle of the morning to do that, and

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Speaker 1: I missed out on the bike ride with the other kids.

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Speaker 1: But now I'm really regretting it because I miss the

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Speaker 1: conversation in the morning in the afternoon with her. She's

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Speaker 1: such a sweet kid, and I'm not getting to engage

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Speaker 1: with her in the same way that was really great

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Speaker 1: quality time. And we've paid for the bus till the

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Speaker 1: end of the year, so I'm not going to start

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Speaker 1: driving it now. But I'm feeling really like I didn't

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Speaker 1: realize just how valuable that time in the car was.

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Speaker 1: Here I am the parenting expert, and all I wanted

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Speaker 1: to do is say, oh, look, this is a pain

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Speaker 1: driving you. You jump on the bus. I'll just pay

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Speaker 1: for the bus. And I'm kicking myself now, I just

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Speaker 1: want to drive it to school. So if you could

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Speaker 1: go back, what would you do. I'd keep on driving

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Speaker 1: at school, and I'd probably complain about it the whole time.

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Speaker 1: I ain't doing this, but I don't hate doing it.

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Speaker 1: I love it. I miss it. So next year, I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to pay for the bus. I think so

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Speaker 1: long you'll be driving, well, not for a few months,

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Speaker 1: but I want to. I want to drive it to school.

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Speaker 1: I think that it's a really just a sweet thing.

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Speaker 1: So that's my that's my I guess my confession. I

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Speaker 1: wish that I hadn't kicked her out of my life

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Speaker 1: in the mornings and the afternoons for that twenty minutes

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Speaker 1: each way, because it's actually I miss it and it

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Speaker 1: was a highlight of my day.

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Speaker 2: It's amazing. As our children get older, we seem to

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Speaker 2: find less time for them, Not so much that we

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Speaker 2: find less time, but they've got more going on in

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Speaker 2: their lives. And so you know that realization for you

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Speaker 2: that that twenty minutes was just so precious.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I say it all the time to a child,

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Speaker 1: love spelled tim But it's it's that quality of the

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Speaker 1: connection that really is the currency of relationships. Let's find

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Speaker 1: out what yours was in just a second. It's the

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Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 4: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having

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Speaker 4: to feel bad or in trouble. The Do's and don'ts

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Speaker 4: of Discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits

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Speaker 4: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy

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Speaker 4: families dot com dot au slash shop.

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers. Now. This episode is

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Speaker 1: all about how we can do better tomorrow. I've confessed

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Speaker 1: that I made a parenting misstep and it's going to

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Speaker 1: cost me for the rest of the year. I've already

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Speaker 1: had to pay for the bus, but I'm paying a

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Speaker 1: much steper price in that I don't get the connection

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Speaker 1: with our year ten daughder that I really I didn't

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Speaker 1: realize how much I enjoyed it until I suddenly couldn't

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Speaker 1: have it because she's catching the bus. So what about you,

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Speaker 1: how do you want to do better tomorrow?

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Speaker 2: Well, I had a bit of an unexpected win this week.

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Speaker 2: Oh Annie, our thirteen year old, came to me recently

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Speaker 2: and she said that she had a note that I

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Speaker 2: needed to sign and I needed to read it because

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Speaker 2: it was their swimming carnival. She's just moved to a

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Speaker 2: new school, but at her previous school, she actually already

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Speaker 2: participated in the swimming carnival at the beginning of the year,

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Speaker 2: and so she didn't feel the need to have to

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Speaker 2: participate at her new school.

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Speaker 1: What's going on here? Cats and dogs are going to

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Speaker 1: be lying down together. If there's two swimming carnivals in

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Speaker 1: one year, I can't believe it.

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Speaker 2: She was not really impressed, and she really didn't want

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Speaker 2: to get involved in it, and so I listened to,

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Speaker 2: you know, the concerns that she had, and then I

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Speaker 2: just was able to kind of, you know, gently acknowledge

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Speaker 2: to her that while I understood what she was feeling,

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Speaker 2: that the experiences she'd had at the old school were

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Speaker 2: about building community spirit at that school, but that now

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Speaker 2: she was a part of a new community, that it

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Speaker 2: was an important part for her to play, because number one,

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Speaker 2: she's good at at but number two, to be involved.

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Speaker 2: You can't say that you don't feel a part of

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Speaker 2: something if you're not willing to interject yourself and actually,

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Speaker 2: you know, contribute. And she can't looked at me. He

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Speaker 2: scrunched up her nose, and she said, can you just

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Speaker 2: sign my note? And she walked off. Well about I

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Speaker 2: don't know maybe an hour later, she came to me

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Speaker 2: with a note in hand and said, I've ticked all

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Speaker 2: the boxes. I need to start swimming lessons now.

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Speaker 1: Oh. And I looked at her and said, is that

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Speaker 1: where that came from?

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Speaker 2: What what is going on? And she said, well, I

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Speaker 2: thought about what you said, mum, And she said, and

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Speaker 2: I realized I am really good at swimming, and I

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Speaker 2: don't think i'd feel really good about myself if I

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Speaker 2: didn't take the opportunity to participate, especially with not knowing

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Speaker 2: if I could have actually done well.

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Speaker 1: So to take our message there, I mean, there's there's

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Speaker 1: some really cool things to unpack. Number One, you've given

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Speaker 1: her autonomy, but you don't just say, oh, whatever you want.

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Speaker 1: That's not what autonomy support is about. It's about saying,

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Speaker 1: let me give you a really clear rationale for why

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Speaker 1: I think it's important that you go in and have

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Speaker 1: some time to think about it. But you didn't guilt her.

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Speaker 1: She had the freedom to choose, and she's made a

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Speaker 1: much better decision than we could have probably asked for, not.

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Speaker 2: Expecting to just one thing for her to participate in

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Speaker 2: the swimming carnival, but she actually wants to go back

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Speaker 2: to swimming, which was my hope has always been. Have

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Speaker 2: always loved seeing the kids at swimming, But I never

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Speaker 2: in a million years thought that this conversation would actually

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Speaker 2: lead to that outcome.

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Speaker 1: But I think the other take home message is the

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Speaker 1: way you connected her decision to our family values as

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Speaker 1: a family where the kind of people who contribute where

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Speaker 1: the kind of people who have a go, and when

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Speaker 1: we have a go, we actually really try. And so

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Speaker 1: she's been able to connect back to those values as

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Speaker 1: she's made her decision autonomously. It wasn't a guilt trip.

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Speaker 1: She says, Look, this is the kind of family we are.

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Speaker 1: You go away and have a think about it. It's

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Speaker 1: up to you. And what a great outcome.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, she had her first day in the pool on Tuesday,

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Speaker 2: and you just she came home. She was so excited

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Speaker 2: to kind of just recognize and reconnect with this skill

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Speaker 2: that she has and is effortless in the water, and

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Speaker 2: it was just so enjoyable to listen to to her

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Speaker 2: and hear excitement.

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Speaker 1: Well, it sounds like you don't have to do better tomorrow.

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Speaker 1: It sounds like you absolutely hit that one on their head.

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Speaker 1: I'm definitely going to do better, certainly, next term. I

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Speaker 1: can't wait to start driving Ella too and from school.

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Speaker 1: I will be complaining about it. You know that day

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Speaker 1: I do. I just I won't be able to help me.

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Speaker 1: Oh gosh, this is inconvenient. Why can't you find your

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Speaker 1: own way to school? Catch the bus again? I hope

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Speaker 1: I remember this podcast and the things that I've learned here.

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Speaker 1: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we would be so grateful

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Speaker 1: if you would leave a rating and review at Apple Podcasts,

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Speaker 1: because your ratings and reviews help other people to find

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Speaker 1: out about the podcast and make their families happier. We

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Speaker 1: also appreciate Justin Rulan and our executive producer Craig Bruce

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Speaker 1: for helping us to sound as good as we can.

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Speaker 1: If you'd like more information on how we can make

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Speaker 1: your family happier, go to happy families dot com dot au,

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Speaker 1: click on the memberships and join the family. We'd love

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Speaker 1: to be able to have an impact on your family's

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Speaker 1: lives through the Happy Families membership, and you can find

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Speaker 1: this on our socials, Instagram and Facebook at doctor Justin

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Speaker 1: Colson's Happy Families