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Speaker 1: Matt, the end of the school year is almost here,

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Speaker 1: and as we all try to wind down, of course,

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Speaker 1: the kids are ramping it up to.

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Speaker 2: One hundred between Christmas, the endless summer holidays, and the

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Speaker 2: kids complaining about being bored every five minutes. The question is, ash,

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Speaker 2: how do we keep our call when the fights are

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Speaker 2: heating up? I know, Lola, at the moment, any type

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Speaker 2: of discipline is met with I hate you, and I'm like,

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Speaker 2: that really hurts.

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Speaker 1: It does hurt.

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Speaker 3: But I want to know how do I tackle that?

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Speaker 2: What do I do when my child is just treating

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Speaker 2: me with no respect?

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Speaker 3: Whatsoever?

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Speaker 1: You get no respect around here, Matt. Good news is

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Speaker 1: Jen Muir from Connected Parenting has a few tricks up personleeve,

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Speaker 1: and she joins us. She's a mother of four boys,

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Speaker 1: and she's had a fair share of meltdowns and mayhem.

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Speaker 3: I want to call her the oracle.

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Speaker 2: I think she is the best resource for how to

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Speaker 2: parent better I've ever come across in my life. So

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Speaker 2: you're going to love this episode. And also she did

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Speaker 2: the unimaginable she did. She got you a little bit emotional, she.

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Speaker 1: Got me a little bit tire. I actually didn't quite

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Speaker 1: one hundred percent get there.

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Speaker 3: I know you're fighting it.

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Speaker 1: I was fighting about it.

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Speaker 3: Let it flow.

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Speaker 1: I can't do it. I mean, there's nothing wrong with

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Speaker 1: a man crying.

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Speaker 3: But we're one step closer.

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Speaker 1: We are baby steps. Shall we get into it.

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Speaker 3: Let's do it?

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Speaker 4: Okay.

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Speaker 2: Welcome back to two doting dad and one doting mum.

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Speaker 1: I'm Maddie, Jay, I'm Ash, and I'm Jen Well.

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Speaker 2: And this is a podcast all about parenting.

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Speaker 1: It is the good, it is the bad and the relatable.

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Speaker 2: And Jen, we don't give advice, but if ever, there

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Speaker 2: was an episode where you want to take the advice

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Speaker 2: not from us, but from the expert. It is this

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Speaker 2: episode right now. People be very confused. We're going against

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Speaker 2: the grain of what we've always said from day.

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Speaker 1: Tight, but we can actually say we have an expert

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Speaker 1: this time, not just another parent, well.

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Speaker 5: Hopefully an expert who's who's lived it. Because I kind

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Speaker 5: of agree with you. I think parents are drowning and

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Speaker 5: advice and I love what you guys do. It's a

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Speaker 5: lot of empathy and a lot of bringing the dads

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Speaker 5: in to the chat.

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Speaker 2: And I missed the conversation that we had on our WhatsApp.

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Speaker 2: Ash you went to Jen's class.

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Speaker 1: Yes, so let me cast you back.

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Speaker 2: Was you a good student?

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Speaker 1: Doesn't remember me?

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Speaker 5: How?

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Speaker 3: No?

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Speaker 1: Was it was in the middle of face marks time.

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Speaker 1: Oh so it was kind of ago, Yeah, yeah it was.

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Speaker 1: It was twenty twenty one in November, the twelfth of

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Speaker 1: November there.

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Speaker 5: Were dark times post COVID round two lockdown.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. And it was at the Marta, which is a

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Speaker 1: hospital here in Sydney, and you do a class there

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Speaker 1: for introducing your second or third whatever it is, to

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Speaker 1: your firstborn or the previous born child.

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Speaker 5: I am passionate about that class because I think that

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Speaker 5: we do a lot of preparing parents for that first baby,

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Speaker 5: and we wrap around them and we say, Okay, there's

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Speaker 5: a lot you've got to do. And then when people

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Speaker 5: get pregnant with their second baby, we say, well you'll

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Speaker 5: be busy. We go, jeez, you'll be busy, but you'll

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Speaker 5: be right. You've done this before, and I think we're

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Speaker 5: thinking about the baby and you usually do feel more

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Speaker 5: confident with the baby. But what you've never done before

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Speaker 5: is juggle the needs of two children at two different stages.

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Speaker 5: You're often a little bit poorer, a little bit busier.

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Speaker 5: Often the support that wrapped around you with the first

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Speaker 5: baby goes. Oh, your life is looking a bit messy

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Speaker 5: and hard right now, and I've actually got other things

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Speaker 5: to do.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, And the key takeaway for April and I, which

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Speaker 1: we still use, is some advice you give about hugging

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Speaker 1: your firstborn and not letting them go until they push

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Speaker 1: you away.

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Speaker 5: And I want to add to that. Some of the time, yea,

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Speaker 5: I'm just like, hold.

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Speaker 1: What I can you let go?

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Speaker 5: I only say that because I I once saw a

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Speaker 5: post on Instagram for parents never ever let a hug

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Speaker 5: go ahead of your child, and I thought, my God,

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Speaker 5: if I did that, I would still be because you know,

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Speaker 5: my kids wouldn't let go. And I think sometimes as

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Speaker 5: parents we do have to let go. But I love

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Speaker 5: that advice for people where a child is adjusting to anything,

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Speaker 5: whether that is becoming a big brother or sister, or

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Speaker 5: starting a new school or whatever's happening, holding that hug

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Speaker 5: sometimes and giving the kids the power of when that

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Speaker 5: hug ends is one of the most beautiful things we.

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Speaker 3: Can forgetting that rule.

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Speaker 1: It also feels that it's not a rule, though, what

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Speaker 1: do we call it?

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Speaker 5: Like, it's just something you do every now and then

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Speaker 5: we can fill our child's cup by just going in

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Speaker 5: for a hug and allowing them. It's a hack, it's

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Speaker 5: a tip.

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Speaker 1: It's nice.

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Speaker 5: It's a nice to add.

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Speaker 2: Well, it's nice to see the two of you back together.

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Speaker 2: We normally start with a question that we ask I.

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Speaker 1: Guess, and that question comes from me, and I want

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Speaker 1: to cut you to cast your memory back to the

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Speaker 1: most trouble you got in as a child.

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Speaker 5: Okay, do you know I was a really good kid.

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Speaker 5: It's okay, sorry, I was a good kid, but my

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Speaker 5: feet were very accident prone. And what I will say

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Speaker 5: to that is I'm a child of the eighties. I

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Speaker 5: was completely let loose to run around the neighborhood.

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Speaker 2: Where did you grow up?

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Speaker 5: I grew up in Sydney, in Lynnfield, not too far

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Speaker 5: from here, where there was a huge amount of wisteria,

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Speaker 5: you know, the purple flowers that bloom at Christmas, and

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Speaker 5: you know what with sirias full of is bees. I'm very,

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Speaker 5: very allergic to bees. I have been stung in my

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Speaker 5: life by treading on them by seventeen bees. And every

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Speaker 5: time I would tread on a bee, my foot would

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Speaker 5: blow up like ten times at size and I would

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Speaker 5: be on crutches for about two weeks while I return.

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Speaker 1: Seventeen's got to be a record.

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Speaker 5: It's a record.

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Speaker 3: Well it was in one one sitting you got stung.

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Speaker 5: No, no, like over my life. I trod on seventeen.

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Speaker 1: Remember that. I don't remember the last time I was

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Speaker 1: stung by it.

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Speaker 2: So I thought, for a second, you got to take

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Speaker 2: by seventeen bees.

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Speaker 1: It was.

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Speaker 3: What's that movie where.

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Speaker 2: The guy dies?

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Speaker 5: Don't bring up my girl, My girl, my girl.

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Speaker 3: I thought it was some of us.

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Speaker 5: I won't get through it if we bring up that.

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Speaker 5: And then on top of that, you know, we used

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Speaker 5: to play this game on the trampoline where we'd turn

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Speaker 5: the trampoline on its side. Does anyone remember this? Is

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Speaker 5: you're too young?

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Speaker 3: I remember this older than.

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Speaker 5: I'm older them both.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for making me seem like I'm older than Okay.

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Speaker 5: But back in the rough old eighties, where no parents

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Speaker 5: were watching, you turn your netting free trampoline with springs

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Speaker 5: on its side. One of you would hang on the

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Speaker 5: netting while all the kids from the neighborhood pushed the

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Speaker 5: trampoline down back onto his feet, back onto its feet,

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Speaker 5: and you'd bounce. And one day I was hanging on

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Speaker 5: the netting, and the neighborhood pushed me a little too

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Speaker 5: far and went back over me, and the trampoline crushed

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Speaker 5: every bone in my foot. And then another time I

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Speaker 5: kicked in you know those marbled glass doors my siblings.

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Speaker 5: I was the youngest child. My nickname was blob because

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Speaker 5: like they just thought I was the blob that came

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Speaker 5: along and ruined their lives.

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Speaker 2: That's beautiful, beautiful little blob.

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Speaker 5: And one day they were they locked me out of

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Speaker 5: this room and they were singing.

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Speaker 1: No blobs allowed.

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Speaker 5: So angry, I kicked my foot through this glass door

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Speaker 5: and again, yeah, wound up in hospital with smashup.

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Speaker 3: I could have died.

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Speaker 5: I could have died, I could have broken an artery.

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Speaker 5: My parents went there. They were renovating a house around

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Speaker 5: the corner. My mom like crashed a car coming back

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Speaker 5: to get me. Anyway, So my thing I got in

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Speaker 5: the most trouble for, I think was my feet.

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Speaker 1: Do you remember the punishment for smashing the door? Though

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Speaker 1: punishmenthold sash doors left.

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Speaker 5: From I do remember being chased by my mum with

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Speaker 5: a wooden spoon at one point, back in back in

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Speaker 5: the dark memory set.

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Speaker 1: Every listener off right now with the trauma.

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Speaker 2: When my mom, who lives with us, do some cooking

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Speaker 2: and she drags a wooden spoon, I'm like, you should

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Speaker 2: whip it out of like I was like, I didn't

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Speaker 2: hit you that much.

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Speaker 5: I once went on TV and I was talking about,

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Speaker 5: you know, smacking kids, and I was saying, you know,

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Speaker 5: like we're all children of the eighties and parents used

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Speaker 5: to smack, and now most parents are sort of looking

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Speaker 5: to do their discipline in different ways. And my mum

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Speaker 5: had minded my kids for me while I was on

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Speaker 5: TV doing it, and I got home and she goes,

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Speaker 5: we didn't smack you that much.

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Speaker 3: Two versions of reality.

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Speaker 1: I did a call out for listeners once of what

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Speaker 1: were hit With.

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Speaker 3: A few of them. I was like, we should report this.

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Speaker 2: Oh man, you've got four boys, and I just got

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Speaker 2: to say, like.

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Speaker 5: Fuck, lucky woman. Lucky woman.

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Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, that's amazing.

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Speaker 2: I imagine there must be so many moments where you're like, oh,

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Speaker 2: this is tough.

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Speaker 5: Do you know what, No, it's divine.

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Speaker 1: Okay, well that's what we've got.

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Speaker 3: What do she look like she's been smoking?

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Speaker 1: Maybe?

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Speaker 5: I mean my mother in law once minded my kids

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Speaker 5: to me and she said afterwards I think you are

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Speaker 5: like the frog in the slow boiling pot of water.

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Speaker 5: You don't even know you're dying.

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Speaker 1: That's from me.

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Speaker 5: But look, do you know what? It's a lot of fun.

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Speaker 5: I think I deeply always wanted the night I met

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Speaker 5: my husband at a house party in Erskineville at twenty

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Speaker 5: two years old, and I saw his giant afro under

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Speaker 5: a floodlight, and I went, that is the man I'm

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Speaker 5: going to marry. I came home and I wrote in

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Speaker 5: my diary I met a man tonight, and I want

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Speaker 5: to have a thousand mini hymns.

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Speaker 1: Wow, you do? It must be the loudest household.

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Speaker 5: Like it's loud. It's actually, you know what. Boys are

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Speaker 5: a lot of movement, Like we do not have a

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Speaker 5: meal where someone doesn't fall off a chair ever. And

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Speaker 5: you laugh, but you just don't get it, like they

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Speaker 5: just fall off chairs and you just can't anybody just

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Speaker 5: sit on their bottom.

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Speaker 1: I always say that my son's like a kelpie, yes,

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Speaker 1: and my daughter's the opposite. And it's like, like, how

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Speaker 1: are you so different? They're just full of beans.

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Speaker 5: Up, Yes, they're full of beans. They're full of movement,

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Speaker 5: They're full of love. I love the laugh.

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Speaker 2: Well, it's quite fitting that you were doing a class

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Speaker 2: with Ash about how to introduce your children, because you

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Speaker 2: have a story about a newborn and your toddler.

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Speaker 5: I do, yes, Well, this is a story that's in

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Speaker 5: my book and it's I guess it would be the

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Speaker 5: not the worst day of my parenting. I think There's

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Speaker 5: been some hard days, but I think I was the

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Speaker 5: kind of person that went into parenting thinking, well, if

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Speaker 5: anyone is going to win the Olympics for parenting, this

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Speaker 5: girl fair enough.

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Speaker 3: I confidence.

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Speaker 5: I was like my mom was a therapist. I had

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Speaker 5: really wanted babies, dreamed of it, planned it. I was

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Speaker 5: a social worker. I had read everything that was to read,

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Speaker 5: you know, much wanted baby And actually, for the first

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Speaker 5: year I had this first baby, he ate, he slept,

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Speaker 5: he did all the things, and I was kind of smug.

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Speaker 5: I'd go to mother's group and I and people would

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Speaker 5: be like.

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Speaker 1: You have a smug mom.

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Speaker 5: Oh my god, I want to go and poke my

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Speaker 5: owner eyes out there. But I was the smug mom

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Speaker 5: and everybody was like, you know, I'm tired, and I'd

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Speaker 5: be thinking, well, if you just had a routine.

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Speaker 2: Oh no, jem I was the same Mali first, it

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Speaker 2: was just like the dream because we.

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Speaker 5: Were great, not that hard if you just.

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Speaker 1: F I was the opposite. We had the kid, we

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Speaker 1: had the reflux kid, the dairy intolerant kid, the one

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Speaker 1: that wouldn't sleep.

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Speaker 5: So my second kid was the flux kids, okay, right,

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Speaker 5: And from the absolute get go, this child came out

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Speaker 5: screaming and screamed for two years and about it was

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Speaker 5: about three months in and I just remember this day.

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Speaker 5: It's like a really hot November day, you know, one

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Speaker 5: of those unseasonably hot, sweaty days. The baby, the baby

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Speaker 5: would not go down, hadn't slept, wouldn't feed, crying, and

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Speaker 5: I had a two year old, and you know one

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Speaker 5: of those days where it's like time is going backwards,

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Speaker 5: not forwards, Like you're just like, how can it only

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Speaker 5: be ten am? I've lived forty eight hours of this day.

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Speaker 2: It adds to it because you know that bub is

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Speaker 2: going to be so much harder for the tail end

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Speaker 2: of the day when they miss their sleep. But also

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Speaker 2: like all I want is that little moment forty five

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Speaker 2: minutes of just like one less child look after.

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Speaker 5: And so sort of it's a blurb, but I remember

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Speaker 5: my two year old eating a million tiny teddies, and

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Speaker 5: I'm trying to just settle this baby, settle this baby.

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Speaker 5: And finally I get the baby to sleep, and I

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Speaker 5: turn to my two year old and I go, I'm

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Speaker 5: just going to go put the baby in bed. Mummy,

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Speaker 5: will be just one minute, just stay here. The wiggles

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Speaker 5: are on, like you know, good boy, and he's like, okay, mummy,

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Speaker 5: And I go down and I lovingly put my baby

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Speaker 5: in his bacinet, like you know, the slow release so

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Speaker 5: that they don't notice the movement from your arms. And

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Speaker 5: the white noise is going and I'm like, oh my god, finally,

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Speaker 5: you know, just release this child off my chest. And

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Speaker 5: like before I can even blink, suddenly my two year

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Speaker 5: old's in the room. I look down. Before I can

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Speaker 5: do anything, he just grabs the side of the bacinet.

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Speaker 5: He looks at me in the eyes and goes run.

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Speaker 5: I mean, I thought he was the spawn of Satan.

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Speaker 3: Oh my god.

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Speaker 5: So the baby's screaming. I am like bawling. The two

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Speaker 5: year old is crying. And the reason that it was

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Speaker 5: such a hard moment just my reaction, like my reaction

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Speaker 5: in that moment was not calm, and it was not

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Speaker 5: connected and it was not anything I had kind of

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Speaker 5: been really up until that point. And I think the

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Speaker 5: neighbors would have hurt me yelling, and I remember just

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Speaker 5: all of us sobbing for hours, like I had to

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Speaker 5: call my husband and go home, and I just thought

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Speaker 5: I never ever pictured parenting could be this hard. And

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Speaker 5: I think at the moment it wasn't just the physical

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Speaker 5: labor of it or the crying of the baby, but

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Speaker 5: the sense that I wasn't being the parent that I

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Speaker 5: wanted to be in the moment, and I was so

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Speaker 5: disappointed in myself. And then I was like, I can't

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Speaker 5: believe I'm not enjoying being a mum to two kids,

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Speaker 5: like this is not fun. And then the disappointment in yourself,

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Speaker 5: and there was just so much in it, and and

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Speaker 5: I was.

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Speaker 2: Guilt, must be off the richter because of your profession

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Speaker 2: at least, like when I feel bad, I'm like, well, look,

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Speaker 2: I'm not an expert.

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Speaker 1: I always tell myself that you were like, yeah.

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Speaker 3: I just.

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Speaker 5: A little bit. And then also you just you know,

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Speaker 5: at that point in time, I think and a lot

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Speaker 5: of people will relate to this. You're drifting out almost

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Speaker 5: to see you can see your old life and your

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Speaker 5: goals and the parent you were going to be before

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Speaker 5: you had kids, and you can see it on the shore,

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Speaker 5: but you're drifting.

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Speaker 1: I don't remember before kids at all. I think I've

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Speaker 1: just blocked it out. But I can you saying that.

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Speaker 1: I can just feel the.

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Speaker 5: Rage yes, and the mum rage yea, and all the

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Speaker 5: dad right would be.

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Speaker 1: Going through my head would be why.

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Speaker 3: Well.

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Speaker 5: Then I was like, I'm pretty sure my two year

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Speaker 5: old is destined for prison. That is a psycho thing

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Speaker 5: to do. And in height, I now know that he

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Speaker 5: was this beautiful little baby that up until that point

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Speaker 5: had had this monogamous relationship with me, and I had

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Speaker 5: brought in this second child, told him it was going

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Speaker 5: to be his best friend. He's going this is not

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Speaker 5: the best friend that you promised. It's actually a real

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Speaker 5: pain in the ass. You are tired. I am missing

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Speaker 5: everything we had and kids are going to show that

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Speaker 5: through behavior. I now get what it was communicating.

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Speaker 1: Take a breakup. Really it is, you know, like in

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Speaker 1: a way, and I guess like, yeah, you're right, it's

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Speaker 1: you forget that. That probably was not the issue was that.

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Speaker 5: It was just missing you so much that I think

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Speaker 5: kids grieve the world they knew before that baby came along.

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Speaker 5: And even though there's so much to love in being

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Speaker 5: a big brother or sister, and they can love the

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Speaker 5: baby and still be grieving the world in which it

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Speaker 5: was just you and them, do.

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Speaker 2: You need to then allow them to grieve without making

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Speaker 2: it really obvious, like we gather here today, how do

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Speaker 2: you let that grieving to happen without trying to shine

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Speaker 2: a spotlight on it?

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Speaker 5: I think we do it in three ways. So we

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Speaker 5: increase connection, and we absolutely just love on that kid,

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Speaker 5: and we delight on them, and it's mostly physical, it

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Speaker 5: doesn't it's just literally kind of showing them, hey, we

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Speaker 5: have enough love for you and this baby. And we

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Speaker 5: do that with high fives and fist pumps and holding

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Speaker 5: the hug some of the time and just these little gestures.

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Speaker 5: We do it by setting and holding boundaries that make

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Speaker 5: them feel safe. So even though your world has just

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Speaker 5: shifted and the rug has just been pulled out from

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Speaker 5: under you, I'm still going to put you to bed right.

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Speaker 5: And we do it by holding space for their emotions.

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Speaker 5: And that might sound like, I know, it's really hard

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Speaker 5: when you want a biscuit or you want more TV

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Speaker 5: and It's hard being a big brother or sister sometimes,

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Speaker 5: isn't it. And we allow them that space to actually

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Speaker 5: show those emotions because they won't ever. I mean really,

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Speaker 5: I have heard stories and it's hilarious when it happens,

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Speaker 5: but they rarely come up to you and say, hey,

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Speaker 5: I've been thinking about our relationship and things have shifted

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Speaker 5: since the baby came along. Can we talk about what

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Speaker 5: they're going to do? Is we on the floor or

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Speaker 5: melt down or like you know, they're going to do

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Speaker 5: those behavior or shake the baby's bascinet, right, They're going

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Speaker 5: to show you through that behavior because that's how kids

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Speaker 5: communicate Wow.

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Speaker 3: She's good.

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Speaker 1: And also there's something that like you mentioned earlier with

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Speaker 1: boys as well, and my eldest and I don't do

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Speaker 1: it enough where I'm like, you know, it's hard being

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Speaker 1: a big brother because and then I notice how loving

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Speaker 1: he is with mumots because of that, he wants he

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Speaker 1: wants that space with Mum. Still, yeah, it's very.

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Speaker 5: Interesting, it's interesting. I think one of the most powerful

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Speaker 5: things I can say to any one of my four

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Speaker 5: boys is it's hard being the eldest. It's hard being

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Speaker 5: the I've got this beautiful little youngest, and he's like,

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Speaker 5: you know, sent to earth to test everything. I take

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Speaker 5: it also also divine, big hearted. But every now and

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Speaker 5: then I go in and say, it's so hard because

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Speaker 5: I was the youngest. So I get him and I'm like,

400
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:46,600
Speaker 5: it is so hard being the youngest, and he'll go, yeah,

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Speaker 5: you know, God, I.

402
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Speaker 3: Need to use validating his feelings.

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Speaker 5: I know.

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Speaker 1: Never I've never ever like, I've always been like, help

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Speaker 1: your sister, you know, but I've never been like, you're

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Speaker 1: the best big brother to her, like I've never ever

407
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Speaker 1: been down that track and all used. It's hard being If.

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Speaker 5: There is a magic bullet in parenting, that is it?

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Speaker 1: Oh God, okay, right down, that is it?

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00:19:07,119 --> 00:19:10,320
Speaker 5: Like think about you know, anything that happens if we

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Speaker 5: can start with empathy.

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Speaker 1: Right and you usually it's way too late.

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Speaker 5: I'm so sorry, Sorry.

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Speaker 1: I said.

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Speaker 5: These kids don't love change right anytime we bring in

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Speaker 5: the change, I mean just getting into or out of

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Speaker 5: the bath can be a big deal for most children right.

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Speaker 1: Now, Sorry, we don't bath.

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Speaker 5: That is a hat. It's so I think my boys

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00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,159
Speaker 5: years ago, it's so.

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Speaker 2: Hard to get them in there, and I'm like, and

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Speaker 2: then they don't want to get out but trust me, bro,

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00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:49,960
Speaker 2: when you're in there, you're going to love that.

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Speaker 3: Then they're in they're like it's pretty.

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Speaker 1: Good, pretty warm.

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Speaker 3: And then you're like, don't get out, and they're.

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Speaker 1: Like no, even if they're taking a sh in there,

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Speaker 1: they're like, no, I'm not getting out. Get me out.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god. That is the word, especially when it's

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Speaker 1: like a decent scoop it out. Oh you can't stomp

431
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,800
Speaker 1: it down because oh.

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Speaker 3: Man, I've got a bone to pick with you. I've

433
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Speaker 3: been holding onto this for a while.

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Speaker 1: I'm glad her not me.

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00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:20,359
Speaker 2: Ash relaxed for a second. We had a podcast we

436
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Speaker 2: did together. I jumped on your podcast and I remember

437
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Speaker 2: a beautiful podcast, and I can't remember obating what you said,

438
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,639
Speaker 2: but it was along the lines of sometimes you just

439
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,640
Speaker 2: got to pick your battles, you know, like, if you're

440
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,600
Speaker 2: really struggling, as an example, to get your child to

441
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:44,440
Speaker 2: brush their teeth, sometimes it's okay to take the path

442
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,960
Speaker 2: of least resistance and avoid the brushing of.

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Speaker 5: The stand by rights with your dentist.

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Speaker 2: So Marley is great for me in that I feel

445
00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:05,480
Speaker 2: like I can kind of always be in the case.

446
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,919
Speaker 2: I can say, hey, do this, and she'll listen to me,

447
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,720
Speaker 2: whereas Lola, I don't have that same level of influence.

448
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:13,879
Speaker 5: Laura, she's your second.

449
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:15,920
Speaker 3: She's my second size. So at the moment, she's four.

450
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:18,480
Speaker 5: Because we did a podcast and we talked about how

451
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,199
Speaker 5: she preferred Laura.

452
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:25,600
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes, she prefers yeahs. You know what the

453
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:28,200
Speaker 2: biggest game changer was when I went away for I'm

454
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,440
Speaker 2: a Celebrity and she was kind of like, oh shit,

455
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:34,439
Speaker 2: that guy. He left, and so that was such a

456
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:39,000
Speaker 2: game changer. But still even though we're a showja yeah, yeah, literally,

457
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:42,040
Speaker 2: but she'll always listen to Laura before she listens to me.

458
00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:44,720
Speaker 2: And so like last night, for example, we got home

459
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:48,040
Speaker 2: and every little step from when we get home when

460
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,320
Speaker 2: we go to bed was just a battle from you know,

461
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,600
Speaker 2: every mouthful. It was like I was trying to spoon

462
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:53,680
Speaker 2: hot lava into her mouth.

463
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:55,040
Speaker 3: She didn't want it, you know.

464
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:58,040
Speaker 2: Going in the bath again, just like everything was hard.

465
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:01,600
Speaker 2: Brushing the teeth was hard, and pajamas was hard. And

466
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:03,520
Speaker 2: I was kind of thinking to myself, you know, at

467
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,600
Speaker 2: what point do I say it's okay, I can take

468
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:08,679
Speaker 2: the path of leash resistance and not push all these

469
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:09,400
Speaker 2: little battles.

470
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,040
Speaker 3: But then I wouldn't get anything done.

471
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,320
Speaker 2: I'd still be be eleven o'clock at night and I'd

472
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,240
Speaker 2: still be in their clothes.

473
00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:16,560
Speaker 3: But she came home and daycare from This is.

474
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:19,720
Speaker 5: The question of all parents. And I have one phrase

475
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:23,359
Speaker 5: that answers it hit me, Is this working for me?

476
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:25,840
Speaker 5: Is this working for my child? And let me explain it.

477
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,239
Speaker 5: She says, I don't want to brush my teeth. You

478
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,440
Speaker 5: get to ask does it work for me for her

479
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,440
Speaker 5: to not brush her teeth? Does it work for her?

480
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,080
Speaker 5: And there are going to be times where where in

481
00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:37,320
Speaker 5: the kitchen and our kid wants a biscuit right at

482
00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:39,240
Speaker 5: dinner time, or they don't want to brush their teeth,

483
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:42,240
Speaker 5: or they don't want to wear a hat or whatever.

484
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,800
Speaker 5: I mean, the amount of battles, especially with a strong

485
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:48,600
Speaker 5: world or a deeply feeling kid, which I suspect you

486
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:51,560
Speaker 5: might have in that one, is going to be huge.

487
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:54,960
Speaker 5: And the reason that question matters is that I think

488
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,440
Speaker 5: that allows us as parents to step into that beautiful

489
00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:01,399
Speaker 5: kind of confident leadership role of Yet you might not

490
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,679
Speaker 5: like this, but it doesn't work for me. For you

491
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,359
Speaker 5: to not rush your teeth where they hat.

492
00:23:06,359 --> 00:23:08,840
Speaker 3: And to have any dinner, well, we.

493
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:13,280
Speaker 5: Can't force kids to eat, to sleep, or to pooor

494
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:17,040
Speaker 5: we These are like biological processes and always if we

495
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:19,159
Speaker 5: can make kids feel safe, those things are going to

496
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,919
Speaker 5: go better. So let me jump really quickly into that.

497
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:24,480
Speaker 5: But like if your child doesn't want to eat her

498
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,840
Speaker 5: dinner and she's come home from a day of daycare

499
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:32,840
Speaker 5: and she's a deeply feeling kid, what I'm seeing there

500
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:36,000
Speaker 5: before I see anything else is this is a kid

501
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,000
Speaker 5: who through the day, her cortisol levels and her ability

502
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:40,840
Speaker 5: of what she can tolerate and cope with is up

503
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:43,639
Speaker 5: to here. And now she's with you, her safe base,

504
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:46,720
Speaker 5: and all of this pushback has always been a sign

505
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:49,320
Speaker 5: of love. We've talked about this before because kids will

506
00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:52,760
Speaker 5: only push into a safe person a relationship that can

507
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:54,959
Speaker 5: take it. So they push into it a bit as

508
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:58,919
Speaker 5: a way of communicating I'm sort of struggling, and you know,

509
00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:02,280
Speaker 5: we can things, and we can hold the hug sometimes,

510
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,960
Speaker 5: So I'd go, let's do two wheelbar races up and

511
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:06,679
Speaker 5: down the hallway. And here's what's going to happen in

512
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,840
Speaker 5: that moment. Number one, We've just put input into her

513
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,879
Speaker 5: large muscles, so appropriate receptive input that allows that little

514
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,080
Speaker 5: body that's kind of full of cortisol after a day

515
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:17,680
Speaker 5: of daycare or whatever to sit for maybe two minutes

516
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:21,080
Speaker 5: at the table. Right number two, she's probably laughed while

517
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,439
Speaker 5: going up and down the hallway with you that lowest

518
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,639
Speaker 5: cortsole and has her hunger cues able to come on.

519
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,800
Speaker 5: And number three, you've given her like a minute of

520
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:32,560
Speaker 5: connection and so all is kind of okay in her world.

521
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:36,159
Speaker 5: That's your best chance of that kid maybe eating. And

522
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,080
Speaker 5: then at the same time you can also decide, well,

523
00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:40,199
Speaker 5: I can't, like, you know, does it work for me

524
00:24:40,359 --> 00:24:42,679
Speaker 5: for her to eat or not eat? Look for me,

525
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:45,760
Speaker 5: I'd go, I've got bigger fish to fry, because ultimately

526
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:47,600
Speaker 5: I'm trying to keep this thing on track and get

527
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:49,639
Speaker 5: her in bed, because it doesn't work for me if

528
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:51,040
Speaker 5: she's not in bed at seven, because that's what I

529
00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:54,560
Speaker 5: would have been like, that was my end goal. So

530
00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:56,960
Speaker 5: we look at those goals and I think that is

531
00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:58,840
Speaker 5: it working for me? Is it working for my child?

532
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,159
Speaker 5: Can help you anytime you're te child wants a third story,

533
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,720
Speaker 5: and you can go does that wear for me? Yeah,

534
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:05,359
Speaker 5: it works for me. I'll read your third story, or

535
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:08,160
Speaker 5: you know what, I am tired. I'm about to lose

536
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:10,880
Speaker 5: my mind and you are tired, and so as much

537
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:13,160
Speaker 5: as you want that third story, we're not doing it.

538
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,080
Speaker 5: I love you to the moon and back. You're allowed

539
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:16,560
Speaker 5: to be upset about it, but we're not going to

540
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:17,399
Speaker 5: read a third story.

541
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,520
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm going to throw the law under

542
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:20,080
Speaker 3: the bus for this.

543
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,400
Speaker 2: Let's gay. But because we always had this thought of

544
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:26,000
Speaker 2: during dinner, she has to sit down, and if she

545
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:28,560
Speaker 2: then runs around, it gets her worked up that it's

546
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:30,159
Speaker 2: harder for her to sit down. But you think it

547
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:33,320
Speaker 2: could be beneficial. I have those little moments of exertion.

548
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:37,479
Speaker 5: I think that kids might be sometimes their bodies are

549
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:40,320
Speaker 5: telling us something, so she may need to move to regulate.

550
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:42,720
Speaker 5: Like a lot of kids are still developing their sensory

551
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:45,720
Speaker 5: systems as well. So sometimes the issue with food is

552
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:48,520
Speaker 5: that they're busy. Sometimes it's set, they're emotional. Sometimes it's

553
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:50,440
Speaker 5: that they've had a full meal at daycare and it's

554
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,199
Speaker 5: just not the best time for that little body. But

555
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:56,520
Speaker 5: often also their body is doing what it needs to

556
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,399
Speaker 5: do to regulate, which is why everybody falls off the

557
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,400
Speaker 5: chair at my house at night, because we're all kind

558
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,359
Speaker 5: of like moving, because that is how they're actually soothing

559
00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:07,440
Speaker 5: their system to try that new food or eat that veggie.

560
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:10,160
Speaker 2: Well, if I'm saying it's, for example, it's now it's

561
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,360
Speaker 2: time to get in the bath, and she's like, nah,

562
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:15,440
Speaker 2: she's not listening, And I mate, I got a hack

563
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:15,719
Speaker 2: for you.

564
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:18,000
Speaker 1: Okay.

565
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:21,760
Speaker 5: So if I walk into my living room and I've

566
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:24,960
Speaker 5: got a couple of kids there and just say, I say, okay, boy,

567
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,160
Speaker 5: is it's teeth time? Time to turn off the TV

568
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,800
Speaker 5: or stop playing with your legos, We're gonna brush our teeth.

569
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,040
Speaker 5: Can you imagine what happens? Oh?

570
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:32,840
Speaker 1: The pushback is.

571
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,639
Speaker 5: Just absolutely nothing, Like it's like suddenly everybody has a

572
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:43,400
Speaker 5: hearing deficit? What and if I push it'll be like whoa.

573
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,159
Speaker 3: This is the best part of the TV.

574
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:50,160
Speaker 5: Round two if you can consciously do it. Number two.

575
00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:53,480
Speaker 5: I'll walk up. I'm going to firstly like for my boys,

576
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:55,760
Speaker 5: I'm just gonna I'm gonna stroke their backs like this.

577
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:59,480
Speaker 5: So touch first before you ever say anything to your child,

578
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:02,560
Speaker 5: especially thing I'm favorable, right, you're goanna safe.

579
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:05,399
Speaker 1: But the essentially you will tune.

580
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:08,119
Speaker 5: Kids live in the moment, they live in the presence.

581
00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:10,040
Speaker 5: So if we can just touch them, they're like, oh, hey,

582
00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:11,960
Speaker 5: you're there. So number one, we've got to communicate in

583
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:14,160
Speaker 5: a way they can hear us. And touches everything for kids.

584
00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:16,000
Speaker 5: So just a hand on the shoulder, hand on the bat,

585
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:18,280
Speaker 5: a little bit of a rub. Right, you start with that,

586
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,680
Speaker 5: and then you hey, guys, and then we want to

587
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:22,639
Speaker 5: go with empathy. I can see you're having the best

588
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:26,320
Speaker 5: time watching this show or playing with your legos or

589
00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:29,840
Speaker 5: playing with your dolls, and I know it's so much fun. Right,

590
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:33,960
Speaker 5: I see you, I hear you. Right. Then it's time

591
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:37,359
Speaker 5: to brush teeth. And then here is my super duper

592
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:38,040
Speaker 5: duper hack.

593
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:39,360
Speaker 1: Right, that was good.

594
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:44,080
Speaker 5: We've done They've they've heard you, they've felt empathized with,

595
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:46,600
Speaker 5: and you've been really clear about what's going to happen next.

596
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:48,399
Speaker 3: Sometimes is like shut.

597
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:52,240
Speaker 5: Up, okay, we'll get to that next okay, but just

598
00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:55,960
Speaker 5: so they don't then I do this, I go thank

599
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:57,800
Speaker 5: you so much. I can see you guys are moving.

600
00:27:57,840 --> 00:27:58,720
Speaker 5: I really appreciate it.

601
00:27:59,440 --> 00:27:59,920
Speaker 4: They move.

602
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:04,639
Speaker 5: It is unbelievable. So sometimes you want to acknowledge effort

603
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:09,800
Speaker 5: before kids are efforting, and it's almost like you've taken

604
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:13,960
Speaker 5: away the push back opportunity or something like just say,

605
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,920
Speaker 5: sometimes one of my kids will drop an ice cream

606
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:18,920
Speaker 5: wrapper on the floor shoves my head like the whole

607
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:21,000
Speaker 5: story of the fact my husband buys ice creams every

608
00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:22,640
Speaker 5: single day that I don't even want in a house

609
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:24,880
Speaker 5: is another story. But then the kids eat the ice

610
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,399
Speaker 5: creams and then they just like, it's like this has

611
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:29,960
Speaker 5: gone from my hand. And you might say, pick up

612
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:32,600
Speaker 5: that ice cream rapper, and sometimes there's that look of

613
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:34,760
Speaker 5: light pushback, like no, I just want to have a

614
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:37,400
Speaker 5: fight about this, and I go, thank you so much.

615
00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:39,680
Speaker 5: I appreciate you being part of the team, and they

616
00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:43,000
Speaker 5: do it like I'm telling you, it is a hack.

617
00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:46,600
Speaker 1: I actually just on that. I actually did that with

618
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:51,880
Speaker 1: Oscar where he had started this lego right where he

619
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,160
Speaker 1: kind of was at a point where he didn't want

620
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:55,880
Speaker 1: to go back to it because he was at a

621
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:58,360
Speaker 1: hard point. And I was like, oh, man, I really

622
00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:01,400
Speaker 1: can't wait for him it is. I really can't wait

623
00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,840
Speaker 1: to see this when it's finished. And I went off

624
00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:06,240
Speaker 1: and I came back and it was done, and I

625
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:09,000
Speaker 1: was like, I was like, I've.

626
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,600
Speaker 5: Got one more. Okay, you go in your kids, you

627
00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:14,200
Speaker 5: got to clean up this room. And they all like, oh,

628
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:20,400
Speaker 5: my legs don't work right. Suddenly everybody's like just unable

629
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:22,960
Speaker 5: and with little kid like, I can't do this. Now

630
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:25,000
Speaker 5: my kids are like I've got a fourteen year old,

631
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:27,320
Speaker 5: a sixteen year old. They would like roll their eyes

632
00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:29,280
Speaker 5: so far back in their head they never come back.

633
00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:31,600
Speaker 5: But when they were little, I would I would go,

634
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:34,840
Speaker 5: I'm going to close my eyes and I bet when

635
00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:37,920
Speaker 5: I open them. There's no way. You guys could clean

636
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,400
Speaker 5: up all these toys. There's no way. And they're all like,

637
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:41,880
Speaker 5: oh my god, my god, I do it.

638
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,320
Speaker 1: The reverse psychology and challenge of cleaning it up, like.

639
00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:47,800
Speaker 5: You can bring if you can bring a bit of humor,

640
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:51,080
Speaker 5: and I know you guys can. It is everything I

641
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:54,160
Speaker 5: reckon in parenting. It is. It is the biggest shifter

642
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:57,080
Speaker 5: because often what we're really looking at when kids are stark,

643
00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:59,840
Speaker 5: it's cartisol and if we can if we can make

644
00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:01,440
Speaker 5: them laugh, that's ninety.

645
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:04,680
Speaker 2: There was a moment when I was Lola has always

646
00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,160
Speaker 2: been a very slow eater, and we watched is it

647
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:08,040
Speaker 2: Sea Beasts?

648
00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:09,800
Speaker 1: Sea Beasts, Sea Beast.

649
00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:11,680
Speaker 2: Where it's for anyone who doesn't know, it's a story

650
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:13,400
Speaker 2: about they're trying to hunt a monster that lives.

651
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:13,640
Speaker 3: In the ocean.

652
00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:18,400
Speaker 1: How many times we've mentioned sea beats. It's a movies.

653
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:20,640
Speaker 5: Is after my parenting time.

654
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:22,120
Speaker 1: I think you could go back now.

655
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:26,120
Speaker 2: I watch it without him, and I was pretending that

656
00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:30,320
Speaker 2: the Cucumber was the ship from the sea Beast and

657
00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:32,600
Speaker 2: a bit like the he comes are planning for landing,

658
00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:35,120
Speaker 2: but it couldn't. I was looking for the sea monster

659
00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:36,640
Speaker 2: because they were going to try and kill the sea monster,

660
00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:38,600
Speaker 2: and Lola was a sea monster and then she would

661
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:41,400
Speaker 2: then come out and then eat the ship like sea

662
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:44,720
Speaker 2: beast would. And then I would say, oh god, when

663
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:46,920
Speaker 2: I was a ship because it was because it got bit. Yeah,

664
00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:48,280
Speaker 2: and she thought it was really funny, and so she

665
00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:49,520
Speaker 2: want to come back from another bar.

666
00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:53,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, it is an expert. I don't know, it's just

667
00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:55,360
Speaker 1: maybe in feeding it fun feeding.

668
00:30:56,920 --> 00:31:00,320
Speaker 2: I have seen a few videos and I can't call

669
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 2: the exact specifics of why it's so beneficial, but it's

670
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:07,040
Speaker 2: along the lines of dads prefer rough and tumble play

671
00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:10,200
Speaker 2: with their kids, and it's really beneficial. And I hate

672
00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:12,479
Speaker 2: to sound like I'm saying the right thing here, but

673
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:14,480
Speaker 2: it releases oxytocin.

674
00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:19,160
Speaker 5: Yeah, correct, correct, And actually actually it's really interesting when

675
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:23,440
Speaker 5: mums and kids cuddle the highest oxytocin between a mum

676
00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:27,560
Speaker 5: and a child. So that's the love hormone always. But

677
00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:31,160
Speaker 5: when dads and kids do rough and tumble play and

678
00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:32,840
Speaker 5: not just rough and dumb, because not all dads are

679
00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:35,440
Speaker 5: like the rough, but often dads are good at being

680
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:37,920
Speaker 5: silly and they're good at play, so all of those

681
00:31:38,040 --> 00:31:41,200
Speaker 5: things that dads do, So whether it's active side by

682
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:44,080
Speaker 5: side stuff, whether it's the rough and tumble stuff or

683
00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:46,520
Speaker 5: the silliness, I think dads are willing to be a

684
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:51,400
Speaker 5: bit silly. That's when the oxytocin peaks between dads and kids.

685
00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:54,760
Speaker 5: And so it's interesting. I think that that's kind of

686
00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:58,240
Speaker 5: this natural way that we're designed to to sort of

687
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:00,360
Speaker 5: bring out the love in our kids and kids need both.

688
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:01,960
Speaker 5: Kids benefit so much from both.

689
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:04,920
Speaker 2: So my only issue with the rough and tumble do you.

690
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:06,120
Speaker 5: Get in trouble for it at bedtime?

691
00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:07,000
Speaker 4: No?

692
00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:10,360
Speaker 2: Laura is pretty cool with that, and I'm conscious that

693
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:12,040
Speaker 2: like we try and do the rough and tumble as

694
00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:13,240
Speaker 2: soon as we get home.

695
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:15,800
Speaker 5: Like we got the backyard, some kids benefit from it

696
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:16,560
Speaker 5: right before bed.

697
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:17,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, I heard that.

698
00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,160
Speaker 1: My god, I feel like I'm telling them to calm

699
00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:22,000
Speaker 1: down and that like that's the right thing to do.

700
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:25,480
Speaker 5: But well, there's no wrong or right. It's just something

701
00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:28,280
Speaker 5: you just do what works. Its parenting is an experiment.

702
00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:30,160
Speaker 1: Because they do get silly after the shower, they do

703
00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:32,440
Speaker 1: get silly, and I think there's no more silliness because

704
00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:35,080
Speaker 1: we're trying to wind down. I think maybe that is

705
00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:38,680
Speaker 1: like what I had learned during when they were much smaller,

706
00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:41,560
Speaker 1: when you're trying to wind them down when they were babies.

707
00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:43,080
Speaker 1: I just sort of carried that thinking that was the

708
00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:45,240
Speaker 1: right thing. But you just said that some of them,

709
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:47,280
Speaker 1: how do you know which one?

710
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:51,280
Speaker 5: You're guessing half the time. To be honestly, you know

711
00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:55,200
Speaker 5: that the thing that I do to tell am I

712
00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:58,200
Speaker 5: have I got a kid that's disregulated and silly. So

713
00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:02,520
Speaker 5: kids will get at I mean, quarters of the stress

714
00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:06,280
Speaker 5: hormone will peak twenty minutes before bed and twenty minutes

715
00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:08,160
Speaker 5: after waking. So you're going to see a lot of

716
00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:11,200
Speaker 5: struggles in those two points in your day always, right,

717
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:14,160
Speaker 5: and particularly at bedtime. A lot of parents do get

718
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,680
Speaker 5: kids that aren't so much melting down, but they're getting

719
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:20,040
Speaker 5: silly and crazy and they're not listening, and you're trying

720
00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:21,520
Speaker 5: to like bring them down, and you're trying to be

721
00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:23,640
Speaker 5: all calm and you're trying not to rock the boat

722
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:25,240
Speaker 5: and cause and melt down, and they're just getting like

723
00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:28,880
Speaker 5: worse and worse and worse. And often at that point

724
00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:31,200
Speaker 5: in time, what we're looking at kids needing is a

725
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:34,320
Speaker 5: really clear, firm boundary of like I can see you

726
00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:37,480
Speaker 5: want to keep playing, here is what's happening. Boundaries coming

727
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:40,560
Speaker 5: in and your child will melt down, but actually you're

728
00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:42,640
Speaker 5: going to kind of end it and help everybody sooner

729
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,360
Speaker 5: by holding that limit in a way that's kind and firm.

730
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:48,560
Speaker 5: And sometimes they're saying, what I really need is to

731
00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,480
Speaker 5: get wrapped up in my dinner and have you pretend

732
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:55,680
Speaker 5: to eat me like a burrito. And both can be effective.

733
00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:59,200
Speaker 5: And parenting is trial and error, like there's no map.

734
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:01,720
Speaker 5: And I say to my parents because I do the

735
00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:04,360
Speaker 5: class for people having their first baby, and I try

736
00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:06,160
Speaker 5: to say, I know you don't know what you're doing,

737
00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:07,920
Speaker 5: but I have a sixteen year old and I'm teaching

738
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:09,960
Speaker 5: him to drive and I don't know what I'm doing.

739
00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:14,560
Speaker 1: Very true, it's like a constant, like you're both learning in.

740
00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:17,680
Speaker 5: The time, you're always and you'll forever be the first

741
00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:21,480
Speaker 5: time parent to that child in that moment, forever yeah.

742
00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:24,320
Speaker 2: So my issue with rough and tumble, Oh yeah, Lola

743
00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:28,920
Speaker 2: loves it, absolutely loves it, and she more than Marley.

744
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:31,920
Speaker 2: She likes to get really into it and we have

745
00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:35,399
Speaker 2: these fake fights, and quite often she just always takes

746
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:38,120
Speaker 2: it that bit too far, like she'll really like kick

747
00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:39,880
Speaker 2: me in the guts or sap me in the face.

748
00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:42,840
Speaker 2: Sometimes she'll spit my face like as a as a

749
00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:47,080
Speaker 2: like yep, put right in there. And my worry is

750
00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:50,000
Speaker 2: that she likes it so much, but it always ends

751
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:51,000
Speaker 2: in the same way.

752
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:53,880
Speaker 5: Where it's her kind of taking it too far.

753
00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:54,640
Speaker 3: Taking it too far.

754
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,080
Speaker 2: I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but

755
00:34:57,160 --> 00:34:59,279
Speaker 2: I'm just in that moment I say I don't like

756
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:02,080
Speaker 2: that and that and that's that's not good. But then

757
00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:05,440
Speaker 2: she's kind of like trying the fuck up. Well it's

758
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:06,680
Speaker 2: rough in table bro, like.

759
00:35:07,440 --> 00:35:11,279
Speaker 1: It is such a baby, you're grown man.

760
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:13,919
Speaker 2: Because my fear is that if she's with a kid

761
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:17,799
Speaker 2: and let the playground, that she's gonna because long, my

762
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:19,920
Speaker 2: little bulldoze are that she's going to grab one of

763
00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:20,520
Speaker 2: the kids.

764
00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:21,360
Speaker 3: And like spit in their face.

765
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:25,200
Speaker 5: And a teacher. Actually, I actually feel like I love

766
00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:28,960
Speaker 5: this kid, but what I would say is this. I'm

767
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:32,040
Speaker 5: getting the sense this is a body that needs this

768
00:35:32,239 --> 00:35:35,800
Speaker 5: to regulate, and those same bodies that need this to regulate,

769
00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:37,879
Speaker 5: they will take it too far. And that's a it's

770
00:35:37,920 --> 00:35:39,880
Speaker 5: a couple of things. One, she just can't help it.

771
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:42,239
Speaker 5: She just gets so excited and it feels so good.

772
00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:46,080
Speaker 5: She just goes that step too far. My eldest we

773
00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:51,160
Speaker 5: call him old one step because he always goes one

774
00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:55,600
Speaker 5: step to I was like his whole life, we go

775
00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:59,360
Speaker 5: old one step and you know, he's sixteen. I can't

776
00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:02,480
Speaker 5: release the current stories, but yeah, he's still taking it

777
00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:05,920
Speaker 5: one step too far. But these kids, they get so

778
00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:08,960
Speaker 5: into it. They're be hearted and they live life and

779
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:11,440
Speaker 5: those experience to the fullest. And so it is hard

780
00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:13,839
Speaker 5: for her to learn those edges. But through that rough

781
00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:16,520
Speaker 5: and tumble, she is learning the edges. And if you

782
00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:20,960
Speaker 5: consistently like reminding her at the beginning of rumbling or

783
00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:23,560
Speaker 5: at other times, remember I don't like it when you

784
00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:25,560
Speaker 5: spit in my face, and I don't like it when

785
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:27,520
Speaker 5: you keep me in the nuts or whatever else she's doing.

786
00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:29,560
Speaker 5: And if you do that, what I would tell your

787
00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:31,959
Speaker 5: child in advance is if you do that, I will

788
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:36,080
Speaker 5: stop you, and we will stop the game, and we

789
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:38,360
Speaker 5: do that with love, because you don't want to be

790
00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:41,920
Speaker 5: a kid that is making social mistakes. Because ultimately, let's

791
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:43,640
Speaker 5: go back to that question, is this working for me?

792
00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:44,840
Speaker 5: Is this working for my child?

793
00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:45,400
Speaker 3: Her?

794
00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:47,840
Speaker 5: Spinning in your face doesn't sound like it works for you, right,

795
00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:55,600
Speaker 5: And so you're instantly going correct, I'm assuming, I'm assuming

796
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:57,239
Speaker 5: it doesn't work for you, wouldn't wait for me, and

797
00:36:57,280 --> 00:36:58,840
Speaker 5: so you're like, well, it doesn't work for me, so

798
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:01,520
Speaker 5: exactly what you do, what you do is beautiful. And

799
00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:04,120
Speaker 5: now I would add, look at my face. I don't

800
00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:05,719
Speaker 5: like it when you spit in it. So we're going

801
00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:07,719
Speaker 5: to stop the game. I can see it got too much,

802
00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:10,960
Speaker 5: and you're a good kid, and I know you had

803
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:13,000
Speaker 5: so much fun and you couldn't help it. I know

804
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:16,320
Speaker 5: that wasn't your intention to me. We don't say all this,

805
00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:18,799
Speaker 5: but essentially if we can say, oh, yeah, that we're

806
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:20,840
Speaker 5: having so much fun, but I don't want you spinning

807
00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:22,800
Speaker 5: in my face. And I told you before we started,

808
00:37:22,840 --> 00:37:25,400
Speaker 5: if you spat or if you kicked me, we would

809
00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:27,239
Speaker 5: have to stop the game. So we're going to stop now.

810
00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:29,759
Speaker 5: We're not done forever. We'll try again tomorrow. And that

811
00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:34,839
Speaker 5: is so beautiful because you're helping her learn to regulate. Well,

812
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:37,560
Speaker 5: the bigger picture is not the behavior. I don't care

813
00:37:37,560 --> 00:37:39,480
Speaker 5: whether she's spitting in the face or anything because she's

814
00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:43,239
Speaker 5: little in it, it's so developmentally normal. But if we

815
00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:45,880
Speaker 5: want to help her with those skills in the playground,

816
00:37:46,239 --> 00:37:48,719
Speaker 5: practicing it with you is the vine yep. So do

817
00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:49,440
Speaker 5: it love that.

818
00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:55,839
Speaker 1: You mentioned regulation a lot and meltdown. I mean, I've

819
00:37:55,880 --> 00:37:58,279
Speaker 1: got two kids that melt down over various things as

820
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:01,480
Speaker 1: they does, as does me, as do I yeah, at one.

821
00:38:01,360 --> 00:38:05,520
Speaker 5: Point, at one point, still still, And I think.

822
00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:08,680
Speaker 1: For me it's also me trying to regulate my emotions

823
00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:11,720
Speaker 1: and also trying to figure out what they're melting down about,

824
00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:14,360
Speaker 1: because a lot of the time it's something so small

825
00:38:14,360 --> 00:38:18,080
Speaker 1: and you think it's ridiculous, and that's my first thought.

826
00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:20,800
Speaker 1: But it's deeper than that, isn't it.

827
00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:23,719
Speaker 5: It is so often, you know, kids can't walk up

828
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:26,120
Speaker 5: to us and say, you know, I'm adjusting to being

829
00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:28,360
Speaker 5: we've brother or sister, or Tommy snatched off me in

830
00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:31,560
Speaker 5: the sand pit today, or you know, I just can't

831
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:34,520
Speaker 5: name what it is. The world just sometimes is big,

832
00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:37,520
Speaker 5: and it's it's a lot to learn to feel your feelings.

833
00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:40,400
Speaker 5: And so what they do is they show us through behavior,

834
00:38:40,719 --> 00:38:44,080
Speaker 5: and you know, it's often about the cup or the

835
00:38:44,719 --> 00:38:46,640
Speaker 5: fact you cut they're toasty, even though they wanted their

836
00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:48,719
Speaker 5: toasty cut yesterday, or the fact that you peeled a

837
00:38:48,719 --> 00:38:51,359
Speaker 5: banana wrong, or they broke a banana. And if I

838
00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:54,600
Speaker 5: can share a meltdown story that I think could help,

839
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:57,200
Speaker 5: because we're all dealing with this right and I think

840
00:38:57,200 --> 00:38:59,200
Speaker 5: one of the hardest things to do as a parent

841
00:38:59,239 --> 00:39:01,400
Speaker 5: is to be with our kidids when they're not okay.

842
00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:03,880
Speaker 5: And for most of us, when we were not okay

843
00:39:03,880 --> 00:39:06,120
Speaker 5: as kids, we were told go to your room and

844
00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:09,160
Speaker 5: come back when you're together, and it worked in the

845
00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:12,279
Speaker 5: sense that shut us up. Didn't really teach us how

846
00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:15,520
Speaker 5: to regulate our emotions, and interestingly, we weren't in their

847
00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:19,879
Speaker 5: googling ways to regulate my emotions. And so we're trying

848
00:39:19,880 --> 00:39:21,360
Speaker 5: to sort of do that differently with our kids, but

849
00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:24,200
Speaker 5: it's really hard, and we do sit there struggling about, well,

850
00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:27,399
Speaker 5: what's the underlying reason. I don't think you need to know.

851
00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:29,600
Speaker 5: All you need to know is my kid's not okay.

852
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:32,480
Speaker 5: That's it. So anyway, my story is that I just

853
00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:35,120
Speaker 5: had my fourth child. I was cooking dinner. I was

854
00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:38,320
Speaker 5: about two weeks postpartum, I had my baby in a

855
00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:41,279
Speaker 5: baby carrier, and my husband was not home. I had

856
00:39:41,320 --> 00:39:44,520
Speaker 5: half the neighborhood tearing around my house, and I was

857
00:39:44,640 --> 00:39:46,920
Speaker 5: questioning some of my decision making, you.

858
00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:47,839
Speaker 1: Know, yep.

859
00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:51,440
Speaker 5: And my two year old Tommy walked off and he's like,

860
00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:53,839
Speaker 5: can I have a banana? I'm like yeah sure. He goes,

861
00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:55,719
Speaker 5: can you peel it? I go, yeah, sure, And in

862
00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:58,160
Speaker 5: the process of peeling it, I did what you should

863
00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:00,680
Speaker 5: never do to any two year old broake that banana.

864
00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:02,680
Speaker 3: How dare you shame?

865
00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:06,680
Speaker 5: And he did not want that banana anymore because it

866
00:40:06,719 --> 00:40:07,240
Speaker 5: was broken.

867
00:40:07,440 --> 00:40:10,359
Speaker 2: What I know, can kids just can I fucking cut

868
00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:15,160
Speaker 2: that out? A figure?

869
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:17,320
Speaker 5: Rewind a memo?

870
00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:19,879
Speaker 1: Do you kids of the world?

871
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:23,400
Speaker 2: So banana tastes the same whether it's broken, it doesn't.

872
00:40:23,640 --> 00:40:26,400
Speaker 5: So he's like, banana broken. And even though I do

873
00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:28,880
Speaker 5: what I do, and even though I know what kids

874
00:40:28,920 --> 00:40:32,440
Speaker 5: need at a logical level, in that moment, I was like,

875
00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:34,000
Speaker 5: I am going to do anything I can to just

876
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:36,560
Speaker 5: shut this kid up. So I was like, I will

877
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:38,160
Speaker 5: chop it up, put it in a bowl, and give

878
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:39,839
Speaker 5: you a spoon. Which used to work for my kids.

879
00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:43,560
Speaker 5: And he was like, yeah, manhana And I was like, okay,

880
00:40:43,680 --> 00:40:46,040
Speaker 5: what about some logic? So I hold up the fruit bowl.

881
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:47,600
Speaker 5: Have you ever done this? And I'm like, look in

882
00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:51,960
Speaker 5: the bowl, I don't have any more and he's like,

883
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:56,400
Speaker 5: I don't care for your logic. I want a banana.

884
00:40:57,000 --> 00:40:59,400
Speaker 5: And then I was I was desperate. I was opening

885
00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:02,680
Speaker 5: the cupboard, guy, anything you want, anything you want, and

886
00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:05,640
Speaker 5: he's like, banada. And then I was like holding up

887
00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:07,680
Speaker 5: the iPad like what about the wig was liking it?

888
00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:11,920
Speaker 5: And actually what I was fighting was you know, and

889
00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:14,000
Speaker 5: it links to the start of the story about that rage,

890
00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:18,840
Speaker 5: that feeling of like wanting to scream go to your route,

891
00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:20,960
Speaker 5: which I know is not going to help any two

892
00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:23,760
Speaker 5: year old, but man, I wanted to do it so badly.

893
00:41:24,320 --> 00:41:26,839
Speaker 5: And this is a good story in that I caught

894
00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:30,160
Speaker 5: it right. And it was almost like this moment of

895
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:32,759
Speaker 5: like he doesn't need me to fix this or so

896
00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:34,719
Speaker 5: of this or stop this, he needs me to let

897
00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:37,160
Speaker 5: him know I get it. So I sat on the

898
00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:39,200
Speaker 5: floor and I only said three things, and all I

899
00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:41,880
Speaker 5: said was what happened? I said, you're banana broke? You

900
00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:44,840
Speaker 5: really didn't want it to break, and you're really, really

901
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:47,600
Speaker 5: sad about this. Within six seconds, his head was leaning

902
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:50,279
Speaker 5: against my shoulder. Within seven seconds, I looked down and

903
00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:55,359
Speaker 5: he's beating his little frickin' banana. And I sat there

904
00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:58,680
Speaker 5: actually blown away. Despite the fact I have practiced at

905
00:41:58,719 --> 00:42:01,560
Speaker 5: this so much, I was blown away by a how

906
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:05,120
Speaker 5: well it works, b you know how hard it is

907
00:42:05,239 --> 00:42:08,760
Speaker 5: to do. And see I had just had a third baby,

908
00:42:09,120 --> 00:42:14,560
Speaker 5: a fourth baby, again questioning decisions. I had just had

909
00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:17,160
Speaker 5: a fourth baby, and this kid had had me go

910
00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:19,800
Speaker 5: to hospital for five days. The baby was not feeding

911
00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:21,640
Speaker 5: very well, and all of the stuff that happens, and

912
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:23,839
Speaker 5: I was cooking dinner, and you know, there's so much

913
00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:27,239
Speaker 5: going on, and you just think for that kid. You know, Yeah,

914
00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:30,080
Speaker 5: it was about the banana, but it was about man.

915
00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:33,040
Speaker 5: I have regulated through so much stuff and there is

916
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:35,880
Speaker 5: so much changing in my world, and now my banana

917
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:38,239
Speaker 5: has broken, and I just need you to be with

918
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:40,319
Speaker 5: me and the banana. So the biggest thing I'd say

919
00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:43,520
Speaker 5: is you don't need to know what is happening here.

920
00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:46,879
Speaker 5: I think you need to just go. You're not okay.

921
00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:50,399
Speaker 5: Your banana broke, You're really sad about it, and I'm

922
00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:54,000
Speaker 5: just going to sit with you without attempting to fix it.

923
00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:57,719
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, I automatically go into that fixing mode. And

924
00:42:58,040 --> 00:43:00,440
Speaker 1: that's one of the many things I'm struggling with the moment.

925
00:43:00,480 --> 00:43:03,719
Speaker 1: But for me, I find that I'm not regulating myself

926
00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:08,960
Speaker 1: enough when they're not regulating, And I'm quickly learning that

927
00:43:09,080 --> 00:43:12,160
Speaker 1: how are they supposed to learn if I'm not teaching

928
00:43:12,200 --> 00:43:15,839
Speaker 1: the regulation correctly or even validating their feelings sometimes And

929
00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:20,400
Speaker 1: I'm catching myself a lot dismissing it and just knee

930
00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:24,000
Speaker 1: jerk reacting to it instead of going hang on a sec. Okay,

931
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:27,520
Speaker 1: this is a small, very small child who is still

932
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:31,960
Speaker 1: trying to learn basic emotions. And I'm finding that I've

933
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:34,480
Speaker 1: struggled a lot with my life with unrelenting standards, and

934
00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:37,719
Speaker 1: I'm starting to project that onto my children, and when

935
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:41,000
Speaker 1: the meltdown happens, instead of sitting with them like you say,

936
00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:44,359
Speaker 1: which is what I should be doing, I'm expecting more

937
00:43:44,440 --> 00:43:44,799
Speaker 1: of them.

938
00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:48,600
Speaker 5: Do you know it's so hard to do something that

939
00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:52,719
Speaker 5: was not modeled for you. If we were sent to

940
00:43:52,760 --> 00:43:55,680
Speaker 5: our room when we melted down, and most of us were,

941
00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:58,480
Speaker 5: or even if not even with the most beautiful, the

942
00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:01,120
Speaker 5: most beautiful loving upbringing. But I was told to turn

943
00:44:01,120 --> 00:44:02,960
Speaker 5: that frown upside down or the wind would change, and

944
00:44:02,960 --> 00:44:08,320
Speaker 5: I get stuff like that. Those messages taught you unequivocally,

945
00:44:08,719 --> 00:44:12,759
Speaker 5: we don't do that in this relationship. And now here

946
00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:15,520
Speaker 5: you are back in the kitchen with this small person

947
00:44:15,680 --> 00:44:18,320
Speaker 5: that is bringing up the stuff that you were taught,

948
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:21,560
Speaker 5: not at a cognitive level, but at a physical level.

949
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:25,239
Speaker 5: We don't do that so much as you know cognitively,

950
00:44:25,760 --> 00:44:29,000
Speaker 5: I should hold space and regulate and model. Your body

951
00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:33,040
Speaker 5: is going, make it stop, exactly right, And so can

952
00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:36,560
Speaker 5: I cut all the advice out that you've ever had

953
00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:39,200
Speaker 5: about I should, And I'm asked and I need to

954
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:41,640
Speaker 5: name and all the stuff. And I want to just

955
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:44,919
Speaker 5: tell you one thing you could do. Put your hand

956
00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:48,000
Speaker 5: on your heart and say, this shit is really hard.

957
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:51,320
Speaker 5: I'm doing the best I can. That is self compassion.

958
00:44:51,640 --> 00:44:55,800
Speaker 5: And if we could give ourselves that, we're gonna parent.

959
00:44:56,239 --> 00:44:57,960
Speaker 5: So I don't care what happens next. You're going to

960
00:44:58,080 --> 00:45:00,279
Speaker 5: parents so much better. And I want to eat flame.

961
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:02,680
Speaker 5: Why because what's happening for you in that moment is

962
00:45:02,840 --> 00:45:04,839
Speaker 5: your whole system is going. This isn't safe. I need

963
00:45:04,880 --> 00:45:06,719
Speaker 5: to stop it. I need to fix it. And you

964
00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:08,920
Speaker 5: might think that you might be harder on yourself and

965
00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:10,919
Speaker 5: say do better tomorrow and don't yell at your kids

966
00:45:10,960 --> 00:45:13,080
Speaker 5: and all that stuff we do to ourselves as parents.

967
00:45:13,480 --> 00:45:15,880
Speaker 5: But if you could stop and go, I'm doing the

968
00:45:15,880 --> 00:45:18,560
Speaker 5: best that I can. That self compassion, that self kindness,

969
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:22,120
Speaker 5: it lowers your quartersol, because what is happening in you

970
00:45:22,360 --> 00:45:24,359
Speaker 5: is literally the same as what's happening in your kid.

971
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:27,560
Speaker 5: It's a stress response. We step in and offer ourselves

972
00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:30,279
Speaker 5: the compassion that maybe we might have liked as a

973
00:45:30,320 --> 00:45:32,480
Speaker 5: two year old or a three year old, and we

974
00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:35,880
Speaker 5: say you're doing your best. You will instantly start breathing

975
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:38,440
Speaker 5: a little bit better. You will instantly be more present

976
00:45:38,480 --> 00:45:41,719
Speaker 5: and less in fight flight or freeze, and then whatever

977
00:45:41,840 --> 00:45:44,320
Speaker 5: you do for your child is okay. You'll be a

978
00:45:44,400 --> 00:45:44,799
Speaker 5: bit better.

979
00:45:45,840 --> 00:45:49,759
Speaker 1: I think I definitely needed to hear that. It's not

980
00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:51,960
Speaker 1: very often that it's not very often that I am

981
00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:56,080
Speaker 1: speechless and matt wi, but I don't have any I

982
00:45:56,120 --> 00:45:58,279
Speaker 1: don't have any response because it's kind of what I

983
00:45:58,320 --> 00:45:58,920
Speaker 1: needed to hear.

984
00:45:59,080 --> 00:46:00,880
Speaker 2: It's such a important message.

985
00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:02,080
Speaker 1: I think, Yeah, thank.

986
00:46:01,920 --> 00:46:04,840
Speaker 5: You for that, thank you for having me wrap up.

987
00:46:08,080 --> 00:46:09,480
Speaker 2: When are you going to fucking cry like when you're

988
00:46:09,520 --> 00:46:13,359
Speaker 2: gonna have sorry. Almost it almost, No, it's not. It's

989
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:15,320
Speaker 2: such a fucking hard job.

990
00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:17,920
Speaker 5: Really, such a hard job. But we are the first

991
00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:23,080
Speaker 5: generation of parents, particularly dads, particularly dads, because this was

992
00:46:23,120 --> 00:46:26,520
Speaker 5: not modeled by your dads particularly. You know, your moms

993
00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:28,319
Speaker 5: might have met some of your emotional needs, but your

994
00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:32,520
Speaker 5: dads did not have skills on the whole. And so

995
00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:36,480
Speaker 5: you're doing something that was so unmodeled. You have no

996
00:46:36,719 --> 00:46:39,799
Speaker 5: script for this, and you can't do it at a

997
00:46:39,800 --> 00:46:42,560
Speaker 5: cognitive level alone. But I think if you can offer

998
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:47,120
Speaker 5: yourself some kindness and go you're trying really hard, instantly

999
00:46:47,360 --> 00:46:49,440
Speaker 5: you're that little bit better placed. And then there's the

1000
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:51,759
Speaker 5: kid in front of you, and whatever you do will

1001
00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:52,760
Speaker 5: be right for them.

1002
00:46:53,040 --> 00:46:53,440
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1003
00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:56,160
Speaker 2: I could ask so many questions, but I won't because

1004
00:46:56,320 --> 00:46:57,879
Speaker 2: I know we're running out of time.

1005
00:46:58,239 --> 00:46:59,480
Speaker 3: I do have one really.

1006
00:46:59,360 --> 00:47:02,799
Speaker 2: Quick quock, two really quick questions. One is when it

1007
00:47:02,800 --> 00:47:05,960
Speaker 2: comes to discipline. As a quick example, I was an idiot.

1008
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:06,960
Speaker 2: I bought some slime.

1009
00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:10,359
Speaker 3: Lola was playing don't ever buy slime, thank you.

1010
00:47:10,360 --> 00:47:11,839
Speaker 1: You went against the gold.

1011
00:47:13,239 --> 00:47:15,040
Speaker 2: And I said to Lola, and I hate to like

1012
00:47:15,400 --> 00:47:18,200
Speaker 2: pinpoint Lola in all my scenarios, but I said, you've

1013
00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:19,440
Speaker 2: got to keep it on the table. It goes on

1014
00:47:19,480 --> 00:47:20,879
Speaker 2: the floor in the carpet, then I'm going to take

1015
00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:23,040
Speaker 2: it away from you. It ended up on the carpet.

1016
00:47:23,320 --> 00:47:25,879
Speaker 2: I then warned her, happened again. I took it away

1017
00:47:25,880 --> 00:47:28,080
Speaker 2: from her, And then her reaction at the moment to

1018
00:47:28,080 --> 00:47:30,200
Speaker 2: a lot of scenarios where I discipline and I'm the

1019
00:47:30,239 --> 00:47:33,760
Speaker 2: bad cop, is I hate you. And nothing I really

1020
00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:35,840
Speaker 2: say at the moment will stop her from saying that.

1021
00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:37,920
Speaker 2: I try and say, I'm not gonna let you say

1022
00:47:37,920 --> 00:47:39,480
Speaker 2: that word. It's not a nice word, it's very minut

1023
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:41,960
Speaker 2: it hurts my feelings. She'll continue saying it, and then

1024
00:47:41,960 --> 00:47:43,560
Speaker 2: I'm thinking to myself, do I need to send it

1025
00:47:43,600 --> 00:47:45,680
Speaker 2: to a room or give a time out? What should

1026
00:47:45,680 --> 00:47:48,360
Speaker 2: my reaction be when she's saying relentlessly I hate you

1027
00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:49,640
Speaker 2: every time I try and discipline it.

1028
00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:52,720
Speaker 5: First of all, I would give yourself a big congratulations,

1029
00:47:52,760 --> 00:47:55,920
Speaker 5: because when our kids learn to say harsh words to us,

1030
00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:59,000
Speaker 5: their regulation is coming online. It's actually a positive sign.

1031
00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:02,480
Speaker 5: So initially, when kids are distressed, they show us their

1032
00:48:02,480 --> 00:48:04,799
Speaker 5: emotions physically, So they hit and they spit and they

1033
00:48:04,880 --> 00:48:07,840
Speaker 5: kick and they throw toys, and then they start to

1034
00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:10,480
Speaker 5: get older and they learn to say harsh words and

1035
00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:12,720
Speaker 5: they say things like I hate you, You're the worst

1036
00:48:12,719 --> 00:48:15,839
Speaker 5: parent ever. I mean, kids say I've heard it all.

1037
00:48:15,920 --> 00:48:17,600
Speaker 5: They will say I want you to die. I mean,

1038
00:48:17,600 --> 00:48:19,920
Speaker 5: they can look at you and threaten your life, and

1039
00:48:19,960 --> 00:48:24,319
Speaker 5: you think, should I let the police know? So really

1040
00:48:24,320 --> 00:48:27,120
Speaker 5: really harsh. The biggest hack I have for you in

1041
00:48:27,160 --> 00:48:29,200
Speaker 5: that moment to help you is what I do, and

1042
00:48:29,280 --> 00:48:33,160
Speaker 5: it is this imagine that rather than your child saying

1043
00:48:33,200 --> 00:48:35,160
Speaker 5: that they hate you, what they're saying is I hate

1044
00:48:35,160 --> 00:48:38,759
Speaker 5: this feeling. It is so hard to have gotten something wrong.

1045
00:48:38,880 --> 00:48:40,719
Speaker 5: I'm a good kid and I don't want to have

1046
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:42,719
Speaker 5: much this up and I hate that the slim's been

1047
00:48:42,760 --> 00:48:45,879
Speaker 5: taken away and this is hard and I'm disregulated and

1048
00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:49,160
Speaker 5: I hate this feeling. And they say I hate you

1049
00:48:49,200 --> 00:48:52,120
Speaker 5: because they're learning how to express themselves and it's clunky

1050
00:48:52,280 --> 00:48:54,160
Speaker 5: as they learn. And actually, if we can sort of

1051
00:48:54,200 --> 00:48:57,279
Speaker 5: view it like that, now we can respond with you

1052
00:48:57,400 --> 00:48:59,640
Speaker 5: hate this feeling, or I know it's hard when I

1053
00:48:59,680 --> 00:49:02,880
Speaker 5: say no or or nothing, just like you know, the

1054
00:49:02,920 --> 00:49:05,359
Speaker 5: biggest thing you can say to your kid is yeah,

1055
00:49:05,600 --> 00:49:08,640
Speaker 5: this is you're not okay, and I don't think you

1056
00:49:08,800 --> 00:49:11,279
Speaker 5: actually need to deal with those words at all. I

1057
00:49:11,320 --> 00:49:13,360
Speaker 5: have a call rule in my house with bound I

1058
00:49:13,360 --> 00:49:16,640
Speaker 5: have four care rules. No hitting or hurting, no damage

1059
00:49:16,680 --> 00:49:20,320
Speaker 5: to our environment or our property, and no name calling.

1060
00:49:20,400 --> 00:49:23,160
Speaker 5: And when someone says stop or they're crying, we stop

1061
00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:26,239
Speaker 5: when we check on them, and other than that, I

1062
00:49:26,280 --> 00:49:28,279
Speaker 5: wouldn't be stepping in. So if my kid says I

1063
00:49:28,320 --> 00:49:30,200
Speaker 5: hate you, I'm kind of going I can see you

1064
00:49:30,239 --> 00:49:32,520
Speaker 5: having a hard time. If my kid calls me a bitch,

1065
00:49:33,400 --> 00:49:36,840
Speaker 5: I'm going to say, oh, that's crossing a family line.

1066
00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:38,600
Speaker 5: I'm not going to let you do that. So we're

1067
00:49:38,640 --> 00:49:40,320
Speaker 5: going to go and sit in your room and we're.

1068
00:49:40,200 --> 00:49:41,160
Speaker 2: Going to have a time in it.

1069
00:49:41,280 --> 00:49:44,839
Speaker 3: He said that, which one it was?

1070
00:49:45,400 --> 00:49:48,479
Speaker 5: None of none of them have to actually said that word.

1071
00:49:48,600 --> 00:49:55,920
Speaker 5: I said it to my dad once. No, actually I

1072
00:49:56,000 --> 00:49:57,759
Speaker 5: called my dad. Did I call my dad? I think

1073
00:49:57,800 --> 00:50:04,440
Speaker 5: I said he was a dickhead or something other than that.

1074
00:50:04,600 --> 00:50:06,440
Speaker 5: I was working with a mum the other day and

1075
00:50:06,560 --> 00:50:09,480
Speaker 5: she was introducing her older child to the baby. The

1076
00:50:09,560 --> 00:50:12,759
Speaker 5: baby was having its first breastfeed and she said, this

1077
00:50:12,800 --> 00:50:15,640
Speaker 5: is your baby. Brother is feeding off mummy, you know,

1078
00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:17,520
Speaker 5: this is how he eats. And this two year old

1079
00:50:17,520 --> 00:50:20,200
Speaker 5: lookter in the eye with this wicked look and went, well,

1080
00:50:20,280 --> 00:50:24,480
Speaker 5: I want to eat the baby. She's like, Jen, do

1081
00:50:24,560 --> 00:50:26,640
Speaker 5: I need to talk to him about that? And I'm like, no,

1082
00:50:26,719 --> 00:50:29,480
Speaker 5: he's just expressing this is tricky.

1083
00:50:29,560 --> 00:50:34,360
Speaker 2: Like because I'm up holding my kids who are four

1084
00:50:34,440 --> 00:50:38,120
Speaker 2: and six to the same communication standards as an adult.

1085
00:50:38,280 --> 00:50:39,000
Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly.

1086
00:50:39,400 --> 00:50:41,640
Speaker 1: Jim mentioned it earlier, just quickly on that when she

1087
00:50:41,760 --> 00:50:44,480
Speaker 1: was saying that they start to push back on who

1088
00:50:44,560 --> 00:50:48,120
Speaker 1: where they trust her, and then you said that she's

1089
00:50:48,160 --> 00:50:53,120
Speaker 1: sort of building to the point where she's regulating, not physically, butulated.

1090
00:50:53,239 --> 00:50:56,880
Speaker 1: So to me, it's like they're hurt for words, but

1091
00:50:56,920 --> 00:50:59,120
Speaker 1: maybe she just trusts you that she can say that to.

1092
00:50:59,080 --> 00:51:01,879
Speaker 5: You right undred percent, you know. And this is what

1093
00:51:01,960 --> 00:51:04,920
Speaker 5: I'm like holding in my heart as my sixteen year

1094
00:51:04,920 --> 00:51:07,399
Speaker 5: old rolls the eyes every time I breathe, and I'm

1095
00:51:07,440 --> 00:51:08,760
Speaker 5: like it love.

1096
00:51:09,920 --> 00:51:12,960
Speaker 1: Your cringe, mom like that.

1097
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:14,920
Speaker 5: Because believe me, they push back even harder in those

1098
00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:18,200
Speaker 5: But you know, kids will push against that beautiful safe

1099
00:51:18,239 --> 00:51:20,279
Speaker 5: that's the that's the wall of love that they can

1100
00:51:20,280 --> 00:51:22,920
Speaker 5: push against, you know, And that's what we want. We

1101
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:25,799
Speaker 5: want our kids to hopefully learn to go out into

1102
00:51:25,880 --> 00:51:29,320
Speaker 5: the world and kind of follow the rules eventually kind.

1103
00:51:29,160 --> 00:51:30,640
Speaker 2: Of what Laura to tell me that she hates me,

1104
00:51:30,680 --> 00:51:32,879
Speaker 2: so I can handle the situation a lot better.

1105
00:51:33,719 --> 00:51:38,520
Speaker 1: When she gets home, she can go you that is

1106
00:51:38,560 --> 00:51:39,360
Speaker 1: that I love you.

1107
00:51:40,360 --> 00:51:43,040
Speaker 5: She's saying thank you, dad, and you know, I look,

1108
00:51:43,160 --> 00:51:45,400
Speaker 5: I don't think in the moment our kids, especially a

1109
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:47,719
Speaker 5: four year old, she's never here. She's hearing about two

1110
00:51:47,760 --> 00:51:50,040
Speaker 5: and tent of your words. If that's so, you're wasting

1111
00:51:50,080 --> 00:51:52,400
Speaker 5: your time with Oh, that hurts my feelings. But also

1112
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:54,720
Speaker 5: I think our job is to be you know, bigger

1113
00:51:54,760 --> 00:51:57,040
Speaker 5: and stronger and wiser and kind, and our kids are

1114
00:51:57,040 --> 00:52:00,440
Speaker 5: going to say and do a billion terrible things and

1115
00:52:00,480 --> 00:52:03,040
Speaker 5: make a lot of mistakes, and our job is to go, hey,

1116
00:52:03,080 --> 00:52:05,359
Speaker 5: and I love you no matter what. I can see

1117
00:52:05,400 --> 00:52:07,520
Speaker 5: you having a hard time. And then as they get

1118
00:52:07,560 --> 00:52:09,520
Speaker 5: old and maybe outside the moment you go, I'm thinking

1119
00:52:09,560 --> 00:52:12,080
Speaker 5: about that thing you said earlier, and that did hurt

1120
00:52:12,080 --> 00:52:15,480
Speaker 5: my feelings. Maybe we could work on some other ways

1121
00:52:15,480 --> 00:52:17,880
Speaker 5: we can express ourselves in the moment, but I wouldn't

1122
00:52:17,880 --> 00:52:20,239
Speaker 5: be doing that afore. She's a cool kid.

1123
00:52:20,280 --> 00:52:24,680
Speaker 2: Man's Jenna. I'm very intrigued to know what your answer

1124
00:52:24,960 --> 00:52:27,000
Speaker 2: is to this question. We ask all I guess the

1125
00:52:27,320 --> 00:52:30,080
Speaker 2: final question, when your boys are all grown up and

1126
00:52:30,080 --> 00:52:31,919
Speaker 2: they're no longer living at home, what is the one

1127
00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:33,960
Speaker 2: thing you would want to remember about the house they

1128
00:52:34,000 --> 00:52:34,800
Speaker 2: grew up in.

1129
00:52:34,960 --> 00:52:42,320
Speaker 5: Oh god, the four rules, Matthew, that's so tough. Sorry,

1130
00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:47,799
Speaker 5: that they were lovable and worthy of love no matter

1131
00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:50,960
Speaker 5: what in the good in the bad when they absolutely

1132
00:52:51,080 --> 00:52:53,360
Speaker 5: muck it up and they steal and they lie and

1133
00:52:53,360 --> 00:52:55,839
Speaker 5: they make all the mistakes that kids will make over

1134
00:52:55,920 --> 00:53:00,680
Speaker 5: the time that they were lovable, you.

1135
00:53:00,640 --> 00:53:03,080
Speaker 2: Didn't disappoint Jen. Thank you so much.

1136
00:53:03,239 --> 00:53:03,920
Speaker 1: Thank you so much.

1137
00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:07,319
Speaker 2: It is honestly such a pleasure to hear you talk

1138
00:53:07,360 --> 00:53:10,040
Speaker 2: about parenting in a way that is so non judgmental

1139
00:53:10,520 --> 00:53:11,640
Speaker 2: but so helpful.

1140
00:53:12,040 --> 00:53:12,400
Speaker 5: Thank you.

1141
00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:14,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree with matt so thank you so much

1142
00:53:14,600 --> 00:53:15,759
Speaker 1: for spending some time with us.

1143
00:53:15,800 --> 00:53:17,120
Speaker 3: And we are going to get you back.

1144
00:53:18,000 --> 00:53:18,760
Speaker 5: I'll be there.

1145
00:53:19,160 --> 00:53:21,160
Speaker 2: We want to ask you about going back to school,

1146
00:53:21,400 --> 00:53:26,000
Speaker 2: not to like put it back on Lola again starting Scott.

1147
00:53:26,040 --> 00:53:26,719
Speaker 3: I didn't help. Good.

1148
00:53:29,360 --> 00:53:30,239
Speaker 5: It's going to be real.

1149
00:53:30,719 --> 00:53:32,920
Speaker 2: I can't wait for the next episode. So thank you

1150
00:53:32,960 --> 00:53:33,319
Speaker 2: so much.

1151
00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:35,400
Speaker 3: Thank you guys, I told you she was youracle.

1152
00:53:35,960 --> 00:53:38,960
Speaker 1: Yeah. Look, there's not a lot of people that make

1153
00:53:39,040 --> 00:53:44,240
Speaker 1: me speechless, and in that I was said, speechless.

1154
00:53:44,120 --> 00:53:46,600
Speaker 2: Do you know what I've been using with Lola?

1155
00:53:46,760 --> 00:53:47,440
Speaker 3: And it's worked?

1156
00:53:47,440 --> 00:53:49,600
Speaker 2: And I know that you can't. Your tricks and tips

1157
00:53:49,600 --> 00:53:51,880
Speaker 2: of parenting can only use a couple of times before

1158
00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:54,840
Speaker 2: you know they catch on that's it. But one with

1159
00:53:54,960 --> 00:53:57,720
Speaker 2: Lola it works, dude. I remember that that night after

1160
00:53:57,880 --> 00:54:01,160
Speaker 2: recording this episode, I I said to Lola, because she

1161
00:54:01,239 --> 00:54:03,080
Speaker 2: hates brushing your teeth in the bath, and I put

1162
00:54:03,120 --> 00:54:04,759
Speaker 2: the toothpaste on the toothbrush and I gave it to

1163
00:54:04,800 --> 00:54:06,560
Speaker 2: Lola and I said, I'm going to turn around, and

1164
00:54:06,600 --> 00:54:09,600
Speaker 2: I bet you, I bet you, Lola is not going

1165
00:54:09,600 --> 00:54:10,440
Speaker 2: to brush your teeth.

1166
00:54:10,960 --> 00:54:12,960
Speaker 3: And I was like, is this going to work? Surely?

1167
00:54:13,040 --> 00:54:14,600
Speaker 2: Not turned around and Lola was.

1168
00:54:14,600 --> 00:54:16,640
Speaker 3: Like, idiot, so that's brushing her teeth.

1169
00:54:16,920 --> 00:54:20,840
Speaker 2: And I was like, you are so fucking dumb. I

1170
00:54:20,960 --> 00:54:22,239
Speaker 2: used it two nights in a row and I'm like,

1171
00:54:22,239 --> 00:54:23,239
Speaker 2: I'm going to rest this now.

1172
00:54:23,320 --> 00:54:25,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, you got to give it a little break. I

1173
00:54:25,160 --> 00:54:30,680
Speaker 1: use the I wonder. Ah, so my kids struggle with sleep, well,

1174
00:54:30,719 --> 00:54:33,080
Speaker 1: they don't struggle with being asleep, they struggled with getting

1175
00:54:33,120 --> 00:54:36,359
Speaker 1: to sleep. Which is it just grinds my gears because

1176
00:54:36,360 --> 00:54:39,239
Speaker 1: I want to rest too, and I said to each

1177
00:54:39,280 --> 00:54:41,040
Speaker 1: of them, I wonder what you're going to dream about

1178
00:54:41,040 --> 00:54:44,000
Speaker 1: when you fall asleep worked a tree. By the time

1179
00:54:44,040 --> 00:54:45,919
Speaker 1: I left the room, they were asleep pretty much.

1180
00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:49,160
Speaker 2: Thank you, Jen, Thank you, And if you enjoyed this episode,

1181
00:54:49,440 --> 00:54:52,840
Speaker 2: please you know the drill not to laugh on cutline,

1182
00:54:52,840 --> 00:54:56,400
Speaker 2: but I'm going to say it anyway. Leave a review, subscribe,

1183
00:54:56,400 --> 00:54:58,160
Speaker 2: send it to another parent. If you think they're battling

1184
00:54:58,160 --> 00:55:01,799
Speaker 2: and need some help this episode like gold Dust.

1185
00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:04,600
Speaker 1: Absolutely, or you can join us on socials, Two Doting

1186
00:55:04,680 --> 00:55:09,680
Speaker 1: Dad's Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, YouTube, where else. That's it. I

1187
00:55:09,719 --> 00:55:12,520
Speaker 1: think that's it, or in real life.

1188
00:55:13,200 --> 00:55:14,120
Speaker 3: We'll see you guys next time.

1189
00:55:27,680 --> 00:55:31,320
Speaker 2: Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country

1190
00:55:31,320 --> 00:55:35,040
Speaker 2: throughout Australia and the connections to land, see and community.

1191
00:55:35,280 --> 00:55:37,800
Speaker 1: We pay our respects to their elders past and present

1192
00:55:37,840 --> 00:55:40,920
Speaker 1: and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestraight Islander

1193
00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:44,600
Speaker 1: people's today. This episode was recorded on Gadagle Land