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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's Podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, the

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Speaker 1: podcast for the time poor parent who just wants Answers

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Speaker 1: Now Where Luke and Susie, a husband and wife radio

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Speaker 1: team and the parents of three young boys. And today

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Speaker 1: we're going to be joined in the studio by not

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Speaker 1: just doctor Justin Coilson, but his wife Kylie as well

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Speaker 1: as we talk about daughters, your children heading into their

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Speaker 1: teenagehood who are struggling with their self confidence. A great

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Speaker 1: question that's come through to the show, and we've got

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Speaker 1: two people here to answer it, mom and dad of

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Speaker 1: six girls, because it is a daughter related question. My

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Speaker 1: daughter is twelve and due to some extreme circumstances, has

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Speaker 1: lost her self confidence and is talking negatively about herself.

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Speaker 1: How can I, as her mother help her now? Unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: we can't start back at two or three years old

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Speaker 1: to build self confidence to make sure she's got the resilience.

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Speaker 1: So we're starting with a twelve year old. Doctor Justin

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Speaker 1: Coulson and his wife Kylie joins us in the studio. Kyli,

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Speaker 1: it's great to see you here. Thank you, thanks for

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Speaker 1: being here. On another opportunity of you being here, will

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Speaker 1: ask you loads of questions about what Justin's really love.

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Speaker 2: This is art with that, we'll take an extent feeling nervous.

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Speaker 3: Missus Happy Families is going to say all the right things.

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Speaker 1: But you are a mother of six girls? Is this

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Speaker 1: something you've had because you've got three older, three younger?

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Speaker 1: So the three who was sort of in that older bracket,

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Speaker 1: have you had to address a self confidence issue with

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Speaker 1: them at all along the way?

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Speaker 4: Probably?

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Speaker 2: Daily?

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Speaker 4: There are challenges all the time, I think.

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Speaker 3: So it's a human thing to like confidence, right, there

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Speaker 3: are some people who are very very confident that most

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Speaker 3: of us question ourselves, especially within the walls of our

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Speaker 3: own home.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's a big question. Jacqueline's ask a twelve

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Speaker 1: year old. We know nothing of the circumstances. We just

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Speaker 1: know that there's been a set of circumstances. She's lost

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Speaker 1: her self confidence and mum wants to help. She desperately

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Speaker 1: wants to reinstill this sense of value and worth in

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Speaker 1: her daughter. How does she do it?

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Speaker 4: I think one of the most important things. It's really

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Speaker 4: really hard, because, like Justin touched on, we all have

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Speaker 4: self doubt. Is ensuring that our children don't care us

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Speaker 4: talking about ourselves badly. That's a really I think that's

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Speaker 4: really important. Children need to know that, you know, we're

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Speaker 4: not looking in the mirror and constantly saying I wish

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Speaker 4: I could just lose.

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Speaker 2: By kilos or.

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Speaker 4: Because all of those things send a message to them

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Speaker 4: that says, well, what's wrong with me? And I think

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Speaker 4: that if we can, if we can model the fact

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Speaker 4: that it's okay to accept ourselves the way we are

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Speaker 4: without having to put ourselves down, that that's number one.

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Speaker 4: Number one is just so important.

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Speaker 1: I don't know how it could be the best piece

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Speaker 1: of advice we've ever had.

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Speaker 4: If you.

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Speaker 1: So valuable, isn't it? Because when it comes to to

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Speaker 1: say that to help our child actually starts with how

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Speaker 1: we treat our elves. That's incredible. We have control over

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Speaker 1: that because we can't control how they're going to respond,

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Speaker 1: but we can control how we talk to ourselves. I

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Speaker 1: think that's absolute genius.

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Speaker 2: You know, ourself talk.

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Speaker 3: I'll often be talking to students who are struggling with.

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Speaker 2: Particularly the perfectionist teenage girl.

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Speaker 3: And she doesn't get the grade that she wants, and

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Speaker 3: she says, I'm a loser and I hate maths that

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Speaker 3: I'm never doing this again, and says a lot of

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Speaker 3: these terrible things about herself because she hasn't done as

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Speaker 3: well as she wanted in the cross country or the

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Speaker 3: swing incuntible, whatever it was. And my response to that is,

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Speaker 3: if you heard somebody talking to a friend or to

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Speaker 3: their own child the way you're talking to yourself, what

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Speaker 3: would you think about that?

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Speaker 2: And you'd say, well, that's terrible.

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Speaker 3: You can't say that to people, and yet we say

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Speaker 3: it to ourselves all the time, all the time. So

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Speaker 3: I always encourage these girls to think, what would I

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Speaker 3: say to my friend if she was going through this?

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Speaker 2: And maybe we need to say that to ourselves.

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Speaker 5: It was a funny thing I've always picked me up

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Speaker 5: on recently because we've got we've got a rule that

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Speaker 5: there's the way we do things as a families. We

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Speaker 5: say things that are designed to make people feel better.

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Speaker 5: And there's certain words that, under no circumstances, make someone

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Speaker 5: feel better about themselves, and one of them is to

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Speaker 5: say the word fat, like nobody ever feels better because

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Speaker 5: that word has been used in reference to them or anybody,

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Speaker 5: And so we talk about that, and so it's been

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Speaker 5: drilled in that that's a word that we don't use

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Speaker 5: and to describe anything. So at one point, I think

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Speaker 5: when Tyson was about four, he said, well, they're very bold. Okay,

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Speaker 5: that's an interesting that bold you font. But then I

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Speaker 5: made a joke about myself and.

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Speaker 2: They said, hey, Dad, you can't say that.

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Speaker 5: Why can you say it about yourself but we can't

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Speaker 5: say it? I went, oh, because it was It was

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Speaker 5: just a joke, and it was a self deprecating joke.

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Speaker 5: But what a what a great pull up, what a

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Speaker 5: great indication. They pulled up on how I talked about

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Speaker 5: myself and said, well, if it's not okay, it's it's

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Speaker 5: never okay. So Dad got schooled on that particular one.

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Speaker 5: But they're listening and they're seeing it, witnessing how we

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Speaker 5: talk about ourselves.

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Speaker 2: It's so great.

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Speaker 3: I'm thinking as well, Susie and Luke about this question.

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Speaker 3: And you've got a girl or a boy for that matter,

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Speaker 3: who's lacking in confidence. There's a handful of other things

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Speaker 3: that really strike me as being important. One of those

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Speaker 3: things relates to what you're saying, Luke, and that is

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Speaker 3: we've got to be so careful about the way we

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Speaker 3: are engaging with our children. In a previous conversation that

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Speaker 3: I've had with you, We've discussed how critical it is

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Speaker 3: that we provide lots and lots of connection and a

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Speaker 3: little less correction and direction. See if we're in a

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Speaker 3: relationship with somebody who's constantly telling us what to do

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Speaker 3: and when to do it, and why haven't you done

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Speaker 3: it already? And for goodness sakes not like that. What

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Speaker 3: happens is our confidence takes a hammering. I mean, it's

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Speaker 3: okay to receive some correction and direction, we need that,

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Speaker 3: but when it's over arching in terms of everything else,

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Speaker 3: it happens in a relationship that's awfully destructive.

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Speaker 2: And I would also.

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Speaker 3: Suggest let's find what light's them up. When are they confident?

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Speaker 3: When are they feeling like they can conquer the world,

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Speaker 3: or at least when are they bright and shiny and

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Speaker 3: energetic and vital, And let's see if we can get

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Speaker 3: them doing more of those kinds of things.

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Speaker 5: How much of a situation like in this question with

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Speaker 5: theres there's extreme circumstances which has led to this so

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Speaker 5: with no detail, But with that, is it easy for

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Speaker 5: us as parents to kind of assume that everything is

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Speaker 5: a symptom of that thing. When something big has happened

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Speaker 5: to a child and sort of disregard the normal child,

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Speaker 5: Like there's things that as twelve year old girls, I'm

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Speaker 5: sure we go through and maybe we can overlook some

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Speaker 5: of the simple little things because it's all put down

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Speaker 5: to the cause of the big thing.

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Speaker 3: Definitely, as a dad to six daughters, I have discovered

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Speaker 3: I'm a little slow to the party here, but I've

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Speaker 3: discovered that a monthly cycle can actually be really traumatic

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Speaker 3: and that there's nothing else going on in life except

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Speaker 3: that this is a really big deal for a twelve

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Speaker 3: or a thirteen year old girl. And once upon a

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Speaker 3: time we didn't talk about this stuff, right, but until

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Speaker 3: we if you can't mention it, you can't manage it.

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Speaker 3: That's a great quote from mister Rogers from that Beautiful

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Speaker 3: Day in the Neighborhood film, which was just maybe bore

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Speaker 3: my eyes out, gorgeous, gorgeous film. If it's mentionable, it's manageable.

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Speaker 3: And so we need to acknowledge there are other things

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Speaker 3: going on hormonally and psychologically and emotionally for our children

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Speaker 3: that may may not have anything to do with the

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Speaker 3: big thing that we think is causing it. They might

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Speaker 3: just be having a really lousy day or a really

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Speaker 3: lousy week.

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Speaker 5: So then, Carlie, for us as males who are clueless

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Speaker 5: to this life experience and other similar female based experiences,

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Speaker 5: what do we do as a dad, you know, because

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Speaker 5: we can't go well, blame it on us. Apparently that

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Speaker 5: doesn't work. So what advice would you give to guys

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Speaker 5: to navigate a teenage girl in that space?

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Speaker 2: That's not what I do.

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Speaker 5: That's not what I do, So starting to lose the job.

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Speaker 2: No, that's not what Justin does at all. I think

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Speaker 2: that I think.

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Speaker 4: That one of the most important things is connecting with

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Speaker 4: that sensitive side that we all have but sometimes we

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Speaker 4: don't tap into as much as we need to, especially

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Speaker 4: with daughters, but just taking time to just be with them.

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Speaker 4: One of the things that Justin does with the girls

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Speaker 4: is going for a walk and just getting outside of

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Speaker 4: the box a little bit and just spending time together

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Speaker 4: because the reality is that sometimes they don't understand what's

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Speaker 4: going on, and sometimes there is nothing more going on

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Speaker 4: than just that it's just that time of the month

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Speaker 4: and life is hard and we don't understand it and

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Speaker 4: we can't explain it. And just getting outside and being

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Speaker 4: able to just go and have a walk and enjoy

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Speaker 4: nature and time together is enough to just kind of

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Speaker 4: calm things down.

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Speaker 3: See comes back to the thing that I'm really talking

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Speaker 3: a lot about lately, and that is our children. If

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Speaker 3: they're going to feel good about themselves, they need to

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Speaker 3: know that they made it to us, that they be long,

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Speaker 3: and that they are worthy.

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Speaker 2: This would worthiness.

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Speaker 3: It obviously has a lot of religious connotations, but I'm

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Speaker 3: not talking about it in that context. I'm just talking

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Speaker 3: about I see you as a human who was worthy

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Speaker 3: of my love and undivided attention. And we had one

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Speaker 3: of our children recently who was having a mega meltdown,

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Speaker 3: And the context is probably irrelevant for this conversation, except

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Speaker 3: that she was having a massive meltdown.

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Speaker 2: She was angry, she was losing the plot.

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Speaker 3: She's struggled a little bit with her confidence from time

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Speaker 3: to time, and it just wasn't working. And the natural

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Speaker 3: reaction as a parent is to say, would you just

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Speaker 3: calm down, would you stop it?

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Speaker 2: Would you be nice to your sister. If you're going

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Speaker 2: to behave like that, you're out of here. That kind

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Speaker 2: of thing.

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Speaker 3: But I went to her and I gently held her shoulders.

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Speaker 3: I assure you it was gentle. I wanted to shake

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Speaker 3: her shoulders, but I held her shoulders. I looked at

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Speaker 3: her and I said, another in inside you is just

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Speaker 3: such a good heart that is desperate to be heard,

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Speaker 3: and right now you're so upset. But if we can

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Speaker 3: just hug, I know that you'll feel better and that

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Speaker 3: goodness will come back out.

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Speaker 2: And amazingly, she melted into me.

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Speaker 3: Now I know that for some parents, they'll try that

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Speaker 3: and their daughter will scream at them and storm down

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Speaker 3: the corridor and slam the door. But this daughter, in

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Speaker 3: this instant, she looked at me and then she just

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Speaker 3: melted into my chest, put her arms around me, and

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Speaker 3: sobbed for a couple of minutes. And when she was

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Speaker 3: finished sobbing, I looked at her in the eyes again

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Speaker 3: I said, I feel like the goodness is finding its

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Speaker 3: way back out again. What I was doing essentially in

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Speaker 3: that moment as I was saying, I know that you're

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Speaker 3: intrinsically good. I know right now you're having an awful time.

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Speaker 3: But if we can just sit in this moment together,

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Speaker 3: we can get through it and things will be okay.

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Speaker 5: And they were that moment requires grace. That was as

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Speaker 5: the parent you offered grace to someone who madded, and

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Speaker 5: I've reminded because it's a been a big, big topic

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Speaker 5: of a big passion for us as we've been talking

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Speaker 5: the last few months. But I realized how quick I

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Speaker 5: was to offer grace to a stranger, how easy it

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Speaker 5: was to offer us grace to a colleague or to

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Speaker 5: a client, but how short my fuse was to remove

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Speaker 5: grace from my children, And they didn't have to do

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Speaker 5: anywhere near as much wrong or offensive before I was

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Speaker 5: angry and upset with them, And I just reminded and

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Speaker 5: convicted recently to go. They should be receiving equal, if

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Speaker 5: not more, amounts of grace than anybody else in my world.

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Speaker 5: But man, it's hard at times when you just let

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Speaker 5: yourself go, because you could easily escalate that yourself by

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Speaker 5: being frustrated with the girls.

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Speaker 2: Beautiful.

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Speaker 3: And there's another term that I've been talking about a

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Speaker 3: lot lately. That's, I guess synonymous, and there's compassion. Our

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Speaker 3: children need us to be compassionate, and I use that

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Speaker 3: word all the time, but it wasn't until recently that

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Speaker 3: I went and looked it up. The etymology of compassion.

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Speaker 3: Compassion to words in Latin calm means together with others.

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Speaker 3: So we communicate in a community, we are in a company,

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Speaker 3: we have combat com with others. Passion you use the word,

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Speaker 3: and normally when we say I'm passionate about something, it's

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Speaker 3: like I'm really energized, I'm right into it. It's like

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Speaker 3: Tony Robbins rah rah rah passion. But passion actually means

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Speaker 3: historically suffering. So when we have compassion, we suffer together.

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Speaker 3: And that's what I tried to do with my daughter.

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Speaker 3: You can call it grace, you can call it compassion,

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Speaker 3: you can call it charity or love, but what it

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Speaker 3: was was a dad who fortunately got it right that day,

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Speaker 3: who went to a daughter who was suffering. Our daughters

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Speaker 3: and sons behave in challenging ways when they're feeling challenged.

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Speaker 3: They don't need us to get cranky at them. They

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Speaker 3: need us to sit in that challenge with them. And

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Speaker 3: that's what I tried to do. And I think that's

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Speaker 3: what this mum might do more with her daughter, less

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Speaker 3: correction and direction, more compassion, get her spending time doing

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Speaker 3: things that light her up, and as Kylie said, speaking

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Speaker 3: well about herself and not actually doing things that would

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Speaker 3: make it look like she's not confident herself.

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Speaker 1: So good. We so appreciate you being here, Kylie Justin.

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Speaker 1: It's always great when you're in studio with us. Have

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Speaker 1: your families dot com today. There's loads of resources there

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Speaker 1: that can help along with parenting as well.

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Speaker 2: Thanks for being here, Thanks for having us.

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Speaker 5: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love for you to

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Speaker 5: leave a rating and review.

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Speaker 4: Now.

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Speaker 5: Some people get on there and they click the stars

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Speaker 5: and then they write a sentence or two, and then

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Speaker 5: there's other people suit I.

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Speaker 1: Like travel Scribe. I love this right O, get you

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Speaker 1: ready for this? A couple of years ago, my wife,

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Speaker 1: an early childhood teacher, came back from a seminar raving

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Speaker 1: about this guy that had spoken at it a parenting expert.

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Speaker 1: Oh off, some smarmy, judgmental know it all great, And

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Speaker 1: she said, no, seriously, I know I thought that to

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Speaker 1: it first, but he was great, and I got his DVD.

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Speaker 1: He said. I didn't think more about it until a

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Speaker 1: rainy afternoon and our daughter was asleep. We were between

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Speaker 1: Netflix series and so I had nowhere to go when

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Speaker 1: she whipped out that DVD and put it on. This

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Speaker 1: is how it progressed from there. You ready, right whatever?

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Speaker 1: Doctor Seuss yeah, okay, maybe he's right about that. All right,

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Speaker 1: that too, and that never thought of it like that.

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Speaker 1: I'm listening to Justin and then sitting on the edge

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Speaker 1: of the couch and leaning in. Tell me more, Oh wise, sage,

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Speaker 1: if we have any more kids, I reckon Justin is

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Speaker 1: a cool name. Since then, we've been to webinars, live seminars,

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Speaker 1: watch YouTube clips, read his books, and now I'm listening

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Speaker 1: to the podcast. I've put this stuff into action and

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Speaker 1: even had to email him when a scenario described played

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Speaker 1: at exactly as he said it would. I've emailed and

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Speaker 1: tweeted him, and while I'm sure he has his moments,

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Speaker 1: he always responds with nothing but sincerity and non judgmental help.

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Speaker 1: But putting all that aside, this stuff works. Not works

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Speaker 1: like some sort of cynical parenting hack to manipulate your

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Speaker 1: kids into eating sprouts, but in a full blown, life changing,

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Speaker 1: family enhancing kind of way. Sure, our daughter can still

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Speaker 1: be a right little bag at times, but whenever we

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Speaker 1: row back and replay the advice, things improve. Some of

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Speaker 1: it sounds counterintuitive, but so what what have you got

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Speaker 1: to lose? And that things said? Sorry that bit about

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Speaker 1: calling a kid Justin not true.

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Speaker 5: Well that's a shame, isn't it. You could do something

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Speaker 5: like that as well. But if you would like Justin

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Speaker 5: to come speak at your school organization so that you

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Speaker 5: can get your partner a DVD, then all you need

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Speaker 5: to do is visit happy families dot com dot au