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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome to the latest episode of Unstoppable.

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Speaker 1: My name is Cowan Ray and it would make sense

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Speaker 1: that I'm your host and today I chat with another

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Speaker 1: parenting expert, doctor Justin Colson. Justin is the author behind

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Speaker 1: the twenty one Days to Happier Family and the Ten

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Speaker 1: Things Every Parent Needs to Know. He writes weekly columns

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Speaker 1: for the Sydney Daily Telegraph and appears regularly on shows

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Speaker 1: like The Project, The Today Show and Studio ten. Doctor

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Speaker 1: Justin knows a thing or two about successful parenting, discipline,

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Speaker 1: and how to work with your children and not against them.

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Speaker 1: So for those of you with kids that are unruly

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Speaker 1: and you're looking to learn how to.

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Speaker 2: Discipline, this is a podcast for you.

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Speaker 1: And if you haven't checked her out already, we also

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Speaker 1: have another incredible podcast with parenting expert doctor Vanessa LaPoint

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Speaker 1: that you want to check out. Also, stay tuned for

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Speaker 1: this one. Ladies and gentlemen. It's been a real honor

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Speaker 1: to welcome doctor Justin Colson.

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Speaker 3: Great to have you, Doctor Jay, so good to be here.

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Speaker 3: Can I call you doctor Jay? You can call you

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Speaker 3: whatever you want. I'll smile and say that's fine, no

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Speaker 3: problem at all. You won't be the first person.

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Speaker 1: You clearly are a parenting expert to be able to

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Speaker 1: say something like that, because you've got to deal with

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Speaker 1: a lot of stuff, you know as a parenting, as

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Speaker 1: a parent, but as a parenting expert.

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Speaker 2: We really do need to build thick skins, don't we.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, I think it's not even just about parenting,

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Speaker 3: and I think this will come out a light as

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Speaker 3: we discussed today, it's our relationships and life really right,

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Speaker 3: and if you can navigate the unexpected that gets thrown

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Speaker 3: at you with an unusual name, or far worse, with

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Speaker 3: employees or toddlers who sometimes hand us unwanted output, either

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Speaker 3: verbally or in their actions, if you can deal with that, well,

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Speaker 3: your relationships will be smooth and easy, and life is

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Speaker 3: so much.

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Speaker 2: Better and so funny.

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Speaker 1: We went there really fast, because parenting and leadership are

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Speaker 1: the same thing. Yes, straight, I'm cut to the chase

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Speaker 1: because I've said to you know, because we obviously were

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Speaker 1: with entrepreneurs, but a lot of our huge amount of

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Speaker 1: our client base, I think it's like almost ninety five

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Speaker 1: percent of our followers our parents, yep. And what's what

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Speaker 1: I've said to them as in business, so can you

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Speaker 1: imagine walking up to an employee and when they do

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Speaker 1: something wrong, screaming at them and smacking them.

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Speaker 2: So go to your office and think about what. You

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Speaker 2: go to the corner and think about forty three minutes

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Speaker 2: in the corner to think about this for goodness sakes.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So for people who don't know doctor j doctor

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Speaker 1: Justin Colson, quick blurb, who are you?

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Speaker 2: What do you do? Why are we going to listen?

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Speaker 2: All right, let's do the thirty second version.

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Speaker 3: I grew up in New South Wales on the central coast,

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Speaker 3: wanted to be a radio an ounce for all my life.

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Speaker 3: Once I finished school, I did a couple of years

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Speaker 3: of volunteer work and then became a radio announcer. I

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Speaker 3: spent about a decade as a radio DJ. Had a

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Speaker 3: couple of kids aged three and zero, and had this

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Speaker 3: awful experience one day, and it was one of several, unfortunately,

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Speaker 3: but this was a particularly bad one where I just

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Speaker 3: I treated my three year old so.

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Speaker 2: Badly and it could you lock them in the cupboard

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Speaker 2: far worse? I lost the it.

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Speaker 3: It was one of those afternoons where I was exhausted.

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Speaker 3: I hadn't slept the night before, you know, because I'm

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Speaker 3: living the radio DJ life, right. So Friday night him

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Speaker 3: out till all hours.

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Speaker 2: I'm up at stupid o'clock to work on the radio

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Speaker 2: from six till midday at Brisbane's B one o five.

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Speaker 2: Well you know, oh my god, I grew up in Brisbane,

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Speaker 2: Jamie Dunn. Yeah, yeah, so I've worked with those guys.

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Speaker 2: I was. I'll be honest. We played all today's best

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Speaker 2: music while you worked. And I've gotten home, I've had

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Speaker 2: two hours sleep, and you know, when you're on the radio,

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Speaker 2: you've got.

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Speaker 3: To sound like you're having the best day ever. And

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Speaker 3: so I'm pushing back the exhaustion. I get home. It's

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Speaker 3: one of those hot Brisbane afternoons. I'm shattered. My wife

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Speaker 3: says to me, I got to go out. I'm going

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Speaker 3: to leave the two kids with you. And I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 3: I've just got to sleep. I'm wrecked.

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Speaker 2: And Kylie says to me, no, no, no, no, no, it's okay.

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Speaker 3: The baby's just gone to sleep, and Schanell, our three

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Speaker 3: year old, she's going to be ready for a sleep in.

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Speaker 3: You know the next fifteen minutes or so. Put it asleep.

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Speaker 3: I'll be back before the kids wake up. You'll be fine,

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Speaker 3: famous last words, you'll be fine. And so I'm like, okay, cool,

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Speaker 3: no problem. I've gone to put Shanell to sleep. And

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Speaker 3: if you've ever had a three year old, yeah, mine's

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Speaker 3: just turn four.

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Speaker 2: I've seen you a little guy.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And you know, they get to that point when

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Speaker 3: they're three where they're sort of going, no, I don't

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Speaker 3: want to sleep in the middle of the day anymore.

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Speaker 3: I'm too big for that now. And as that was

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Speaker 3: the day, that was the day.

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Speaker 2: And as an exhaust.

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Speaker 3: Parent who's completely clueless, I'm just a regular dad at

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Speaker 3: this point. I've got no idea about parenting. I'm like,

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Speaker 3: I don't think so you're going to sleep. And if

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Speaker 3: you've ever tried to negotiate with a toddler.

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Speaker 1: You know, well, the thing is negotiating with children. It

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Speaker 1: is like negotiating with terrorists. But the difference being is

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Speaker 1: you can actually negotiate with the terrorsts. They might talk

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Speaker 1: to you exactly.

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Speaker 2: And so the three.

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Speaker 3: In fact, one of my favorite things to say is

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Speaker 3: when our children don't get our attention in civil ways,

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Speaker 3: they will resort to terrorism.

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Speaker 2: They just it's so true. They go bananas.

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Speaker 3: And so no note toddler has ever looked at their

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Speaker 3: parent when their parent has gotten very logical and said, well,

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Speaker 3: excuse me, but you do need to go to sleep.

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Speaker 2: You're exhausted. I'm exhausted, and we're all going to be

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Speaker 2: better for it.

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Speaker 3: No toddler's ever said, you know what, dad, you're exactly right.

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Speaker 3: Thanks for laying it out for me so clearly.

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Speaker 2: And so I've escalated and she's escalated, and I said, well,

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Speaker 2: i'll see your escalation and i'll raise it again.

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Speaker 3: And we're going up and up and up, and next

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Speaker 3: thing you know, there's you know, I whacked her, and

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Speaker 3: I just it was horrible, and eventually she fell asleep

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Speaker 3: behind the door because I held the door while she

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Speaker 3: kicked it and screamed and all that sort of thing.

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Speaker 3: And it was just an awful, awful experience. And I

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Speaker 3: walked into it because because I wasn't going to sleep

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Speaker 3: after that. I don't know if you've noticed, it's hard

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Speaker 3: to go to sleep when you're angry and riled up.

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Speaker 3: Not a good recipe for sleep. And so I've walked

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Speaker 3: into the backyard. I'm like, for the first time in

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Speaker 3: my life, I'm a bad parent. I'm a bad dad.

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Speaker 3: And it really affected me. It shattered my world. And

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Speaker 3: I wish I could say that was the only time I.

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Speaker 2: Got it wrong.

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Speaker 3: But when you don't have the skills and you don't

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Speaker 3: have the you don't have any idea how to.

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Speaker 2: Do this, you.

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Speaker 3: Just kind of don't know where to go, so you

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Speaker 3: keep making those mistakes. And I spoke to my wife

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Speaker 3: and said, this is what happened. I blew it, and

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Speaker 3: we discussed a few things, and I started to do

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Speaker 3: some research and I ended up quitting my radio career.

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Speaker 3: I went back to school. I spent eight and a

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Speaker 3: half years as a full time student, graduated with a

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Speaker 3: PhD in psychology and I'm the only person in the country,

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Speaker 3: only person in Australia who has a PhD in positive

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Speaker 3: psychology in parenting. Because I wanted to become the best

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Speaker 3: dat I could be. Now, I still mess things up

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Speaker 3: along the way, but along the way, I've written three

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Speaker 3: or four books about parenting now and I speak internationally

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Speaker 3: and all around Australia, excuse me, and basically teach people

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Speaker 3: how to get their relationships right and how to boost

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Speaker 3: their well being. They're interconnected, but they're also separate things,

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Speaker 3: and that's that's who I am and what I do.

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Speaker 3: Now that's the Well, sorry, we've got sidetracked with a story,

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Speaker 3: but that was the short.

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Speaker 2: But I think that encapsulates it. Oh sorry, And I've

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Speaker 2: got six kids. Six kids would qualify anyone to become

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Speaker 2: at least so many.

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Speaker 3: People with six kids who aren't qualified parents called what

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Speaker 3: are the agents of your kids?

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Speaker 2: So our eldest daughter is eighteen, she's just started UNI.

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Speaker 3: Then we've got a fifteen year old daughter, a fourteen

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Speaker 3: year old daughter, a ten year old daughter, a seven

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Speaker 3: year old daughter, and a three.

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Speaker 2: Year old daughter.

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Speaker 1: Do you ever get their names wrong from time to time?

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Speaker 1: Do they take it personally? Yeah, depends on.

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Speaker 2: The a They hate it, but you know, I give

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Speaker 2: them a heart, can give their name right and we're okay. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: So six daughters age between three that's the you're destroying

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Speaker 3: my life age and eighteen that's the would you just

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Speaker 3: move out of my house? Police age? And we we're

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Speaker 3: just crazy about them. And to answer the questions that

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Speaker 3: everybody's thinking, but nobody is impolite enough to ask, we

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Speaker 3: do have a TV.

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Speaker 2: We weren't trying for a boy, and we're just happy

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Speaker 2: with six. Thanks for us.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so parenting, and again I think this is an

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Speaker 1: incredibly and the reason we brought you on and again

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Speaker 1: one of the reasons we spoke to Vanessa, who you know,

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Speaker 1: you're a colleague of We're talking about how do we

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Speaker 1: actually give ourselves the best possible chance as parents, but

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Speaker 1: also to give the kids the best possible chance as

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Speaker 1: children to grow up as healthy, as happy, as grounded

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Speaker 1: and functional human beings. So when we talk about parenting,

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Speaker 1: why is it that so many people, so many of us,

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Speaker 1: actually screw it up in the first place, Because.

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Speaker 3: It's happened to us, and it's guaranteed that we will

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Speaker 3: do it as well. You know, there's no way that

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Speaker 3: we're not going to mess up our kids in some way.

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Speaker 3: I'm sorry that's a really nihilistic way of viewing things, but.

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Speaker 2: Thanks for listening, everybody. You've just screticulated. You've made a

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Speaker 2: mess of it already.

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Speaker 3: The goal is to make less of a mess of

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Speaker 3: it this time than our parents did for us.

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Speaker 2: All love that, do you know what I mean? Yeah?

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Speaker 3: Absolutely, And so we're going to get it wrong. We

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Speaker 3: have deeply ingrained unhealthy relationship patterns, whether it's our defensiveness

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Speaker 3: or our stone walling, or whether it's the way we

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Speaker 3: attack and just go at a situation, because this is,

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Speaker 3: you know, we're not happy with the way somebody does something,

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Speaker 3: and we think we've got to respond to it right

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Speaker 3: here and right now. I hope I don't embarrass my

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Speaker 3: parents too much by saying this, but my mum was

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Speaker 3: raised in a home where when there was something on

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Speaker 3: your mind, you talked about it, and you didn't just

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Speaker 3: talk about it.

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Speaker 2: You got clear err as fast as you can, and

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Speaker 2: sometimes that would mean being abrupt and direct, and that

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Speaker 2: can really great on somebody, especially if they're a little

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Speaker 2: bit more empathic and a little bit more patient and

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Speaker 2: a little more well.

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Speaker 3: My dad, he was raised in a home where you

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Speaker 3: hold your tongue and you patient, and you think through

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Speaker 3: things and you just let things go away. And so

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Speaker 3: you've got these two people with such a contrasting view

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Speaker 3: of conflict, and then they're raising children who are getting

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Speaker 3: hit by a mum who's like.

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Speaker 2: What did you do that for? That was silly?

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Speaker 3: You know that kind of thing, Not that my mum

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Speaker 3: is amazing. I'm exaggerating certain aspects for illustrative purposes. And

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Speaker 3: then you've got a dad who says, well, let's just

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Speaker 3: give them time to think about it. And so you've

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Speaker 3: got parental conflict, but you've also got these differing styles

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Speaker 3: coming in at the kids, and it does impact on

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Speaker 3: the way the kids respond. And then you have a

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Speaker 3: parent who maybe calls their child a name, and the

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Speaker 3: child starts to think, I'm not.

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Speaker 2: Good enough, I'm stupid, that's it. Yeah. Or you've got

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Speaker 2: a parent who says something so benign as I don't

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Speaker 2: worry about it.

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Speaker 3: I was never good at athletics either. I was the

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Speaker 3: worst swimmer in the school as well. And the kids

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Speaker 3: start to develop this mindset that says, well, I guess

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Speaker 3: genetically and inherently, I'm not going to be any good

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Speaker 3: at that either, And we start to create these patterns

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Speaker 3: this thinking.

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Speaker 2: You know, you might have a parent who's exactly the opposite.

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Speaker 2: I want to raise the best kids ever, and so

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Speaker 2: they teach their kids you can do anything, You've just

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Speaker 2: got to tough it out. And so here's this kid

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Speaker 2: who hates playing the piano, but they've got a parent

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Speaker 2: who's gone all tiger mum and says, you're going to

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Speaker 2: sit here and you're going to do it because I

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Speaker 2: know that you can, and you're going to thank me

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Speaker 2: for this one day. And so it seems like almost

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Speaker 2: no matter what we do, we're going to cause our

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Speaker 2: children to have some really significant challenges as they work

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Speaker 2: through their own processes and try to become who they

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Speaker 2: really are. But it is challenging spectrum.

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Speaker 1: Is it important for kids to have healthy levels of

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Speaker 1: challenge because what we're talking about here is we're all

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Speaker 1: going to make mistakes and we're not going to be perfect.

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Speaker 1: But it's about minimizing the level of which we go

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Speaker 1: to to make mistakes that's don't necessarily impact them in

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Speaker 1: a way where trauma is created that could, you know,

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Speaker 1: lead to other issues down the track.

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Speaker 2: A story and a metaphor. I'm in the back of

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Speaker 2: a cab.

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Speaker 3: I'm on the way to a venue so I can

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Speaker 3: give a talk somewhere, and the cabby says to me,

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Speaker 3: what do you do for work?

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Speaker 2: And I'm like, I try to email people here, I'm

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Speaker 2: trying to make calls. Leave me alone. But because I'm

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Speaker 2: a builder, I'm in real estate something anything. But so

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Speaker 2: I sighed and I put my phone down because I

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Speaker 2: value connection and I value helping people, and frankly, I

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Speaker 2: would rather make this Cabby's day than get that email

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Speaker 2: fied off and so I said, well, you know, I

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Speaker 2: write books about parenting and relationships and being happy, and

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Speaker 2: I give talks and I'm going to give a talk

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Speaker 2: right now about parenting. And he said, oh, he said,

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Speaker 2: I have a question for you. This is the normal

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Speaker 2: reson normal response. And I'm like, yeah, I figured you'd

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Speaker 2: have one. Is my cab ride free? Because you're about

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Speaker 2: to ask for this free advisor. He's like, no, you

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Speaker 2: pay for the cabin. That's okay, I'll give you a

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Speaker 2: free advice.

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Speaker 3: Anyway, he says, how do I make sure that my

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Speaker 3: son becomes a pilot?

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Speaker 2: Wow? Wow, no pressure, no pressure, And I said, wow,

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Speaker 2: exactly the same response to my Shobne every day. And

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Speaker 2: so we talked about a whole lot of things, and

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Speaker 2: eventually I did the conversation around two does it matter

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Speaker 2: what your son becomes? Or does it matter who your

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Speaker 2: son becomes?

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Speaker 3: And we shifted the conversation from you know, titles and

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Speaker 3: careers to character and I asked him, I said, to him,

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Speaker 3: tell me about your dad and he said, because he

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Speaker 3: told me he wanted his son to be a pilot

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Speaker 3: so he'd be successful.

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Speaker 2: Because he was just a taxi driver. And I said,

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Speaker 2: tell me about your dad and he said, well, he

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Speaker 2: lives in India and he's a peasant farmer and he

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Speaker 2: he you know, he has nothing, he has nothing at all.

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Speaker 3: He thinks that we live so wealthy here in Australia.

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Speaker 3: And I said, how do you feel about your dad?

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Speaker 3: What kind of person is he? And he got quite emotional,

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Speaker 3: he got a bit weepy, and he just he talked

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Speaker 3: about these beautiful character attributes that his father had. He's

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Speaker 3: a hard worker and he's honest, and he gives everything

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Speaker 3: for anybody.

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Speaker 2: And I said, does that, you know, does that light

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Speaker 2: you up? Does that make you feel in life? And

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Speaker 2: it enlarged when you think about those characteristics. He said, yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 2: yeah it does. I said, do you think that your

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Speaker 2: son will look at you and say to you you

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Speaker 2: were just a taxi driver. I said, you know, how

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Speaker 2: will he see you if you see your dad like that?

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Speaker 2: And it really changed the conversation. He was like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: he'll see me as a hard worker. He'll see me

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Speaker 2: as somebody who loved his children and would do anything

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Speaker 2: for them. And so we had this wonderful conversation about

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Speaker 2: who not what do you want your son to be?

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Speaker 2: And my last question for him before I got to

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Speaker 2: the cab was, so tell me how your son is anyway.

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Speaker 2: He said, he's two weeks old. I said, forget the

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Speaker 2: pilot thing. Just raise him to be a great kid.

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Speaker 2: So that's the story. The metaphor is has escaped me.

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Speaker 2: I got caught up with the story. It'll come back

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Speaker 2: to me. I'll come back to you in a moment.

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Speaker 3: But the thing here is we want to help our

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Speaker 3: kids to work out who they really are and forcing

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Speaker 3: them into Oh the metaphor there, it is has come

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Speaker 3: back to me in terms of dealing with challenge. You

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Speaker 3: raised this idea kids have got to go through some

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Speaker 3: tough stuff and they do so that they can work

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Speaker 3: out who they are. And I liken it too in

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Speaker 3: my book Nine Ways to a Resilient Child. I liken

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Speaker 3: it to this idea of a balance beam. You remember,

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Speaker 3: you're at school and you've got to walk across the

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Speaker 3: balance beam and there's somebody on either side of you.

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Speaker 3: They've got their arms outstretched so that if you overbalance,

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Speaker 3: they can break your fall, and as you start to tip,

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Speaker 3: they just put their hands on you and sort of

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Speaker 3: tip you back onto the beam. And I think that's

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Speaker 3: what our job is as parents. We put our kids

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Speaker 3: on the balance beam. We don't want them to fall

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Speaker 3: and land and break bones, but we do want them

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Speaker 3: to walk across the beam on their own, and so

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Speaker 3: we walk beside them to support them, and if they

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Speaker 3: start to tip, we might give them a little nudge

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Speaker 3: back onto the beam. We're there to just make sure

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Speaker 3: that they don't fall and hurt themselves too badly. And

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Speaker 3: if they do fall and we can't quite stop them,

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Speaker 3: at least we can arrest the fall. We can break

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Speaker 3: the fall, and they can have that fall slowed because

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Speaker 3: we're there beside them.

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Speaker 2: So, yes, they do need to face challenges. They don't

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Speaker 2: get strong.

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Speaker 3: You know, you don't become a well, you don't to

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Speaker 3: get a body like yours, Kirwin by not going to

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Speaker 3: the gym and working out.

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Speaker 2: You know, you've got to have that. I think he's

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Speaker 2: hitting on me. You've got to have that resistance. The

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Speaker 2: resistance makes you makes you stronger.

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Speaker 3: But this idea that you've got to tell people to

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Speaker 3: toughen up tough enough, Princess, drink some concrete.

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Speaker 2: The research would.

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Speaker 3: Suggest that that's not the best way to make people stronger,

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Speaker 3: it's not the best way to make them resilient. In fact,

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Speaker 3: repeated failure experiences tend to destroy resilience. Repeated success experiences

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Speaker 3: tend to build resilience, so long as there's an appropriate

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Speaker 3: level of weight to push against.

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Speaker 1: So let's let's move back a little bit, because obviously

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Speaker 1: research is where everything has transformed in terms of the

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Speaker 1: way that we view early child or the way that

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Speaker 1: we view early childhood development, but also the things that

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Speaker 1: are required for a healthy brain to develop and for

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Speaker 1: a healthy child develop. But let's maybe let's go back

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Speaker 1: to the old school mentality just so that we can

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Speaker 1: talk about perhaps some of the symptoms that people might

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Speaker 1: think that is well, it's just normal. It's how because again,

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Speaker 1: one of the things that I learned when my son

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Speaker 1: was born, and I think it was about the age

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Speaker 1: of two, and very much your self, full respect to

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Speaker 1: my mum, she did an incredible job. She raised me

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Speaker 1: on her own with my brother since I was six

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Speaker 1: months old. She did the very best that she could

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Speaker 1: with the tools that she had, and she did a

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Speaker 1: bloody good job. Like I consider myself's been incredible human being.

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Speaker 1: But one of the things that she didn't necessarily have

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Speaker 1: a grasp on was how to Discipline without Damage, you know,

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Speaker 1: which was a great title for a book, Yessa. And

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Speaker 1: one of the things that I did when my son

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Speaker 1: was born, he was about two, was sitting on the

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Speaker 1: couch and I just looked at him and I started

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Speaker 1: to think about all the ways that I was disciplined

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Speaker 1: as a child, because I actually, even a few years

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Speaker 1: ago before my child was born, I reposted that picture

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Speaker 1: that says, you know, I was spanked as a child,

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Speaker 1: and I grew up with a condition called respect for authority,

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Speaker 1: and so I was a full subscriber to discipline from

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Speaker 1: where I've come from. And then I started to look

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Speaker 1: at my son, and one of my son was born

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Speaker 1: to me. That was one of the most profound moments

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Speaker 1: of my life. It was one of the most purposely

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Speaker 1: driven moment. Was when I finally realized I knew exactly

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Speaker 1: what apart from my purpose in life in business, I knew,

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Speaker 1: this is what I'm here to do, and this will

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Speaker 1: enabled me to fulfill my purpose at the highest level,

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Speaker 1: to be the best dad possible. But then I looked

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Speaker 1: at this kid, this incredible innocent being, and I started

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Speaker 1: to visualize myself doing all the things that my mom

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Speaker 1: had done to me as a child, and I actually,

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Speaker 1: and this is no disrespect to my mum, because she

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Speaker 1: did the best that she could. I started to cry

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Speaker 1: because I just thought to myself, possibly even fathom doing

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Speaker 1: that to a child, let alone my child. But my

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Speaker 1: child kind of brought it home and was at that

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Speaker 1: point I had a very fundamental shift in the way

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Speaker 1: that I viewed you know how I'm going to raise

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Speaker 1: this boy because I hadn't.

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Speaker 2: Done it, I just visualized it.

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Speaker 1: I'd always said to myself, I'm going to I'm going

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Speaker 1: to do it differently, but this was like a there

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Speaker 1: was a gestalt moment, like it was a very strong moment.

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Speaker 1: So for those people that are perhaps listening, that are

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Speaker 1: thinking that might be doing some of the things at

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Speaker 1: an old school that in some cases can create maladaptive

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Speaker 1: development in the brain, what are some of the old

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Speaker 1: school eighties techniques that we need to be aware of

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Speaker 1: that aren't necessarily They might be quick, they might be fast,

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Speaker 1: but they're not effective long term.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I love the way you've highlighted this idea of fast.

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Speaker 3: See the reason that we go with these less effective

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Speaker 3: techniques is because they get us a short term result.

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Speaker 3: I love what Stephen Covey said. He said fast is

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Speaker 3: slow and slow as fast. So what happens is when

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Speaker 3: we go with that quick fix, we get an instant result.

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Speaker 2: But we have to keep doing it again and again

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Speaker 2: and again. It has to get more and more severe

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Speaker 2: for it to must be like addiction.

437
00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:13,560
Speaker 3: Really yeah, yeah, kinda for us and for them. Alternatively,

438
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,560
Speaker 3: if we get it right at the start by slowing

439
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:20,160
Speaker 3: it right down and doing what healthy cone calls working

440
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:24,120
Speaker 3: with your children rather than doing things to them, it's

441
00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:28,640
Speaker 3: a slow start, but boy boy, we create this internalization

442
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:33,960
Speaker 3: where over time it gets quicker and easier because they

443
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:38,160
Speaker 3: get it. So the obvious stuff is, you know, children

444
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,040
Speaker 3: should be seen and not heard. The parent is the

445
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:43,440
Speaker 3: one with all the control, and parents typically still rely

446
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:44,800
Speaker 3: on all these power techniques.

447
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:46,840
Speaker 2: And it's not just parents, you know. I want to

448
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,359
Speaker 2: draw this very clear.

449
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:55,879
Speaker 3: Parallel to to business and team leading and management. This

450
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:58,639
Speaker 3: is all leadership. I don't care if you're leading two

451
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,600
Speaker 3: year olds or forty two year olds. It's all leadership.

452
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:07,520
Speaker 3: I've walked into the I've walked into the bedroom of

453
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:10,600
Speaker 3: my baby girl. She's three and a half now. But

454
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,000
Speaker 3: when she was about one one and a half, it

455
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:14,920
Speaker 3: was the afternoon. You know when the you know when

456
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,640
Speaker 3: your child is in their cot and they're just gurgling

457
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,760
Speaker 3: away and they're talking to themselves and they're so happy,

458
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,320
Speaker 3: and you're like, they've just had their afternoon nap, but

459
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,040
Speaker 3: they're happy. I'm not going to get them because as

460
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,159
Speaker 3: much as I love them, they're really happy. And I'm

461
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:28,760
Speaker 3: enjoying the peace and quiet and just hearing them gurgle away,

462
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:32,640
Speaker 3: and so I'm just listening as I'm getting clucky.

463
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,680
Speaker 2: Clucky right now. It's gorgeous, isn't it.

464
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,600
Speaker 3: And then I kind of I noticed a slight change

465
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:41,479
Speaker 3: in the way she was talking to herself, and I

466
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,560
Speaker 3: was like, I think that she's started to get a

467
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:44,119
Speaker 3: bit restless.

468
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,679
Speaker 2: I'll go in there. And as I walked in, she

469
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,160
Speaker 2: smiled at me, and that smile.

470
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,960
Speaker 3: Like you are the most important person in my world

471
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:55,080
Speaker 3: because you are, yeah, And she smiled at me, and

472
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,360
Speaker 3: I'm like, Emily, it's so good to see you.

473
00:19:57,359 --> 00:20:00,639
Speaker 2: You're awake. And she held out her hand and I'm like,

474
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,200
Speaker 2: what she got in a hand?

475
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,760
Speaker 3: Not that I would let my child sleep with something

476
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:07,680
Speaker 3: sharp or dangerous, but I immediately became concerned.

477
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,879
Speaker 2: You know, kids find stuff all over the exactly. And

478
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,280
Speaker 2: so I've put out my hand, I said, tat to daddy,

479
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,840
Speaker 2: And in my hand she places this little piece of poop.

480
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,359
Speaker 3: Oh, so she's dug into her nappy and she's pulled

481
00:20:19,359 --> 00:20:20,800
Speaker 3: out a little piece of pool and she put in

482
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,679
Speaker 3: my hand. Oh that's so beautiful, isn't it. And in

483
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,800
Speaker 3: that moment, I had this thought. I thought, how do

484
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:29,879
Speaker 3: I respond to this? And instantly I thought of the

485
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:34,160
Speaker 3: parallels for life, Because every single day in life, whether

486
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,200
Speaker 3: you're a parent, or an employer, or even just someone

487
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,520
Speaker 3: walking down the street, somebody that you have some relationship

488
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:43,720
Speaker 3: with is going to hand you an unwanted piece of

489
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:47,080
Speaker 3: shockingly unexpected grossness.

490
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,199
Speaker 2: I'll translate that he means shit. I didn't say that.

491
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:53,080
Speaker 2: I said shockingly unexpected. That stuff, I'll translate.

492
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:56,720
Speaker 3: And when they do that, what kind of a parent

493
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,320
Speaker 3: or what kind of an employer are we going to be?

494
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,880
Speaker 3: Are we going to be the kind of of person

495
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:05,080
Speaker 3: who starts throwing metaphorical crap all around the room, throwing

496
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:05,840
Speaker 3: it back at them?

497
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,000
Speaker 2: What are you giving me this for? It's not good enough?

498
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,320
Speaker 2: Go to your room. Go to the corner. Think about this,

499
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,879
Speaker 2: you're fired this, you're that whether it's for kids or

500
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,800
Speaker 2: whether it's you know, we're going to hit them, we're

501
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,400
Speaker 2: going to yell at them, abuse them, or is there

502
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,800
Speaker 2: another way? And I think that there is.

503
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,520
Speaker 3: And whether you're an adult dealing with adults or an

504
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,200
Speaker 3: adult dealing with kids. I call it the three e's

505
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:31,760
Speaker 3: of effective discipline. But it's much more expansive than just discipline.

506
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:33,760
Speaker 3: And you've got the book right next to you. I

507
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:40,240
Speaker 3: outline this all in the book. The first E is explain,

508
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,800
Speaker 3: the second E is explore, and the third E is

509
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:47,399
Speaker 3: in power. And all of this is couched in or

510
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:51,000
Speaker 3: surrounded by empathy. So if I was to summarize the

511
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,760
Speaker 3: three eas in one sentence, is it is this, do

512
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:55,680
Speaker 3: I want to hurt this person? Or do I want

513
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,440
Speaker 3: to help them? And when we approach discipline from a

514
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,440
Speaker 3: hurting perspective, just use our power to get the result

515
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,480
Speaker 3: we want. Sit down, shut up, let me hit you,

516
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,840
Speaker 3: let me put you in, let me take your iPad

517
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,320
Speaker 3: off you. I'm in charge. You've upset me.

518
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:11,240
Speaker 2: Done. But that doesn't really do much teaching, It doesn't

519
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:11,600
Speaker 2: really much.

520
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,160
Speaker 1: Is there a deeper correlation there between people in plain

521
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:15,760
Speaker 1: and inflict pain. And if people are still in pain

522
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,399
Speaker 1: from the way they've been parented, that's going to increase

523
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:18,080
Speaker 1: the likelihood of them.

524
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:20,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're getting a bit Freudian, but no, no, no,

525
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:24,520
Speaker 3: but that there is that idea that hurt people, hurt people,

526
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:28,639
Speaker 3: and I think that if we can move beyond that

527
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,479
Speaker 3: and shift our this might sound a little bit woohoo,

528
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:36,280
Speaker 3: but if we can shift our heart from my agenda

529
00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:38,879
Speaker 3: to let me just help you be a better human.

530
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:40,920
Speaker 3: And that's what this podcast is all about, right, If

531
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:44,600
Speaker 3: I can shift my motivation, my intention from a negative

532
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:46,600
Speaker 3: energy this is affecting me, and this is how it's

533
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,359
Speaker 3: affecting me, and I'm ticked off and now I'm going

534
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,919
Speaker 3: to hurt you because of it, to a positive energy.

535
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:54,120
Speaker 3: I value you, I respect You'll have empathy for you,

536
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,320
Speaker 3: and I want to help you.

537
00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:57,720
Speaker 2: The difference in energy.

538
00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:01,320
Speaker 1: Is instant, and it changed that we are talking energy

539
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:04,400
Speaker 1: here because I think you can give someone the tools,

540
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,959
Speaker 1: but if they can't regulate their own space and their

541
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:07,800
Speaker 1: own energy.

542
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:08,520
Speaker 2: Energy and intention.

543
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,960
Speaker 3: Great book by David Hawkins called Power Versus Force.

544
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,240
Speaker 2: Beautiful book, you know it, oh very well? Right, And

545
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,280
Speaker 2: this is getting into that there's also.

546
00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:19,640
Speaker 3: An even I think better book by a guy called

547
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:24,520
Speaker 3: Kim Cameron called Positive Leadership, and he talks about creating

548
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,000
Speaker 3: a virtuous organization.

549
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:29,520
Speaker 1: Do you know the person I've seen actually demonstrate this

550
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:32,399
Speaker 1: at the absolute highest level in the most incredible ways.

551
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:36,760
Speaker 1: This Sesar Malan. The way he works with dogs or energy.

552
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:38,680
Speaker 1: So he talks about dogs orcology. He talks about I

553
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,800
Speaker 1: don't rehabilitate the dog. He says, sorry, I don't train

554
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,480
Speaker 1: the dog, he says, the dog and I train the

555
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:47,600
Speaker 1: owner to have that positive energy exactly because the dogs

556
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:49,679
Speaker 1: are often behaving as a result of the way that

557
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,200
Speaker 1: they've been brought up around the energy. And it's not

558
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:53,879
Speaker 1: about the way you discipline the dog. It's the energy

559
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:56,280
Speaker 1: that you bring to the conversation with the dog. And

560
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:57,280
Speaker 1: he's just done it beautifully.

561
00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:01,160
Speaker 3: But anyway, so in a quick sentences, do I want

562
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:02,520
Speaker 3: to help this person or do want to hurt them?

563
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,920
Speaker 3: And the three is are about helping, So explain goes

564
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,840
Speaker 3: like this. Okay, here's an embarrassing one from my home

565
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,119
Speaker 3: just recently. I've gone into the bathroom and there's an

566
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,639
Speaker 3: empty cardboard role on the holder.

567
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:18,760
Speaker 2: There's no paper on it, and that's that's an issue, right.

568
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,159
Speaker 2: I mean, you've got six kids shitting every you just

569
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,520
Speaker 2: want to have to deal with that. You literally have

570
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:26,679
Speaker 2: that every day, six kids. We are heavy consumers of

571
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:31,400
Speaker 2: toilet paper. Let me And so you walk in there,

572
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:35,119
Speaker 2: and I remember thinking to myself, I'm quite upset right

573
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,840
Speaker 2: now because time is of the essence in those moments,

574
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:43,000
Speaker 2: and I have a need that should be fulfilled here

575
00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:44,200
Speaker 2: and now I got cardboard.

576
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,520
Speaker 3: That's right, it's not going to work. And so I paused,

577
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:48,960
Speaker 3: and I thought, Okay, do I want to help or

578
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:50,680
Speaker 3: do I want to hurt? And part of me did

579
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,960
Speaker 3: want to hurt right then, but I changed the energy.

580
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:54,800
Speaker 3: I was okay, I want to help. So I called

581
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:55,880
Speaker 3: an urgent family meeting.

582
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:58,400
Speaker 2: Right then. I raced out of the bathroom and I said,

583
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,560
Speaker 2: urgent family meeting. Everybody in the living right now.

584
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:02,239
Speaker 3: And I was holding a toilet roll holder, you know,

585
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:04,200
Speaker 3: the piece of cardboard, and they all ran in because

586
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:06,120
Speaker 3: you know, when dad says urgent family meeting, everyone gets

587
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,080
Speaker 3: in the living room straight away. And I've held it

588
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:10,320
Speaker 3: up and I've said, we have got a problem. It's

589
00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:14,040
Speaker 3: a big problem. Somebody's stolen all the toilet paper. I

590
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:15,200
Speaker 3: don't know if it was the dog. I don't know

591
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:18,359
Speaker 3: if it was the chickens in the backyard. But something

592
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:22,879
Speaker 3: has gone wrong here. Can you please please tell me what?

593
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:24,800
Speaker 3: What are we going to do to fix this? And

594
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,000
Speaker 3: so there's two ways to explain. You can either say it.

595
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:30,080
Speaker 2: But kids and employees they started to go blah blah

596
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:30,840
Speaker 2: blah blah blah.

597
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:33,520
Speaker 3: He's talking again. All it does is talk for goodness sakes.

598
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,960
Speaker 3: So I like to explain the first time, and I

599
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,159
Speaker 3: actually explained to the family. I said, imagine if Nan

600
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,439
Speaker 3: and Pop were here and one of them needed to

601
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,399
Speaker 3: use the bathroom, and imagine if they got in there

602
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:44,400
Speaker 3: and they didn't notice until it was too late there

603
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:45,320
Speaker 3: was no paper there.

604
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,399
Speaker 2: That would be embarrassing for them and for us.

605
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,480
Speaker 3: Nobody wants to see Nan or Pop walking through the

606
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,520
Speaker 3: living room calling out for toilet paper in that state.

607
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:56,080
Speaker 3: That's and the kids are going, you can't answer. The

608
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:58,640
Speaker 3: kids are just going, oh, Dad, don't go there.

609
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:02,040
Speaker 2: And so I did some explaining. I s spend some

610
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:05,680
Speaker 2: time explaining, but on once you've explained, and you, I look,

611
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:07,399
Speaker 2: it's great to explain and have fun with it. But

612
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,600
Speaker 2: if you know, some people are saying I have told

613
00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:11,200
Speaker 2: my child to pick that wet towel up off the

614
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:15,480
Speaker 2: floor three thousand times. I'm done explaining now.

615
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:18,080
Speaker 3: Explaining is not because I said so, pick the towel up,

616
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:19,240
Speaker 3: just because that's what we do.

617
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:20,080
Speaker 2: That's not explaining.

618
00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:22,000
Speaker 3: Explaining is did you know that if you leave the

619
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,359
Speaker 3: towel on the floor, it stinks and the carpet can

620
00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:26,400
Speaker 3: get mildewed or moldy and it's just horrible.

621
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 2: That's explain.

622
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,280
Speaker 3: But once you've done that a few times and you've

623
00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:30,760
Speaker 3: done it properly, if they're still doing it, you get

624
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,560
Speaker 3: them to explain it to you because you're boring and

625
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:32,919
Speaker 3: they're not.

626
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:34,480
Speaker 2: So you see, we've talked about this.

627
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:37,160
Speaker 3: Can you help me to understand why I keep talking

628
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,600
Speaker 3: to you about this? And you get them to talk

629
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,200
Speaker 3: and you get to identify the gaps in their knowledge,

630
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,800
Speaker 3: and it works beautifully in an HR environment as well.

631
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,200
Speaker 3: You get to say, we've talked about this issue of

632
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:49,679
Speaker 3: drugs in the workplace three or four times, We've had

633
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,879
Speaker 3: some very explicit trainings. Can you please explain to me

634
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:55,159
Speaker 3: what you understand about this issue. You get to identify

635
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,960
Speaker 3: the gaps in the world in their knowledge, and you

636
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,359
Speaker 3: can fill them in. That's explain explaw goes like this.

637
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:04,080
Speaker 3: In spite of our explanations, you seem to be having

638
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:05,280
Speaker 3: a hard time with this. Can you help me to

639
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,080
Speaker 3: understand what it's like to be you? And I've said

640
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:09,480
Speaker 3: this to my teenage and I'm like, it must it

641
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:11,240
Speaker 3: must be hard without a prefrontal cortex.

642
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:16,399
Speaker 1: So help me to understand what every single secret of

643
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:18,480
Speaker 1: the universe, and you deal with idiots like me, it's like.

644
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:23,600
Speaker 3: And so we have this conversation, and it's really about saying, hmm,

645
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:27,160
Speaker 3: you're struggling with this and I don't get why. Can

646
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:28,920
Speaker 3: you help me to see why this is so hard

647
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:32,080
Speaker 3: for you? And it's really about getting into their space,

648
00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:35,680
Speaker 3: getting into their headspace, taking their perspective, understanding it from

649
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:38,760
Speaker 3: their from their from their world. And then you empower,

650
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:41,960
Speaker 3: which means you say, Okay, you know what's expected because

651
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:43,720
Speaker 3: I've explained it, or you've explained it to me.

652
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:46,679
Speaker 2: I get how it is for you because we've explored that.

653
00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:48,119
Speaker 2: I really do understand what it's.

654
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,919
Speaker 3: Like to be ten and have this issue, or you know,

655
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:52,720
Speaker 3: be an employee here and have this issue.

656
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,320
Speaker 2: I get it. So where do we go from here?

657
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:57,320
Speaker 3: That's what empowerment is it's like, what do you think

658
00:27:57,359 --> 00:27:59,400
Speaker 3: is the best solution? And this is when we give

659
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:00,919
Speaker 3: all the power to the other person.

660
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:03,959
Speaker 2: Now, this is counterintuitive for a parent to give all

661
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:07,639
Speaker 2: the power to their child.

662
00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:09,080
Speaker 3: And we say, what do you think where too? From here?

663
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:11,119
Speaker 3: How do we make this better? If you were in

664
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:13,720
Speaker 3: my position? This is a great question for an employer

665
00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:16,560
Speaker 3: or a parent, If you were in my position, what

666
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:19,040
Speaker 3: would you think was appropriate to fix this?

667
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:21,120
Speaker 2: And we quite.

668
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,880
Speaker 3: Literally delegate our power to them. Now, if they come

669
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 3: up with an idea that's not a good one. If

670
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:30,160
Speaker 3: the answer revolves around it some violence or doing nothing

671
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:32,199
Speaker 3: or leaving the status quo, or you know, whatever it is,

672
00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:35,280
Speaker 3: you may say to them something like, well, that's one option.

673
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:37,920
Speaker 3: If we were to pursue that to its logical end,

674
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:41,840
Speaker 3: how would that end up? Does that really work? Because

675
00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:45,360
Speaker 3: from my perspective, I can't see it working. What is

676
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:48,280
Speaker 3: an alternative? It's like, you know, here's a ball. I

677
00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:49,720
Speaker 3: want you to kick the ball under the net. Oh,

678
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:51,800
Speaker 3: you kicked it out of bounds. I want you to

679
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:54,320
Speaker 3: kick it again. Let's keep it within the boundaries. Okay,

680
00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:56,120
Speaker 3: the net's over there. I don't care how we get

681
00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:58,240
Speaker 3: it there, but we can't go out of these boundaries.

682
00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:00,880
Speaker 3: I'm leaving it up to you to work together on this,

683
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:03,680
Speaker 3: and so that's a slow process. It could take two minutes,

684
00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:05,360
Speaker 3: it could take two days, it could take two weeks.

685
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:09,080
Speaker 3: But what you do is you get this buy in,

686
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:12,280
Speaker 3: you get this internalization, and pretty soon they're doing it

687
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:13,640
Speaker 3: because they just know it's the right thing to do

688
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:14,680
Speaker 3: and they're willing to do it.

689
00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,280
Speaker 2: And you're also provoking them to use their brain. You're

690
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:18,960
Speaker 2: also provoking thought process.

691
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:21,960
Speaker 1: You're also provoking the frontal cortex to develop, you know,

692
00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:24,560
Speaker 1: which is spot on rational problem solving.

693
00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:26,800
Speaker 2: Yeah. But what I'm curious you've kind of and I'm

694
00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:27,360
Speaker 2: not sure if you've.

695
00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:29,920
Speaker 1: Ordered this deliberately, but the symptoms like this is great

696
00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:32,640
Speaker 1: and this is slow to be fast. This is how

697
00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:35,000
Speaker 1: we discipline a shop before we go back to the symptoms.

698
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:37,000
Speaker 1: I am curious to know because I've got this philosophy.

699
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:38,280
Speaker 1: You know, speak them like they're a genius, and the

700
00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:41,320
Speaker 1: genius that become You use quite complex language in the

701
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:43,400
Speaker 1: way that you went through your process there with the

702
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:46,200
Speaker 1: explain explore in power. Would you use that level of

703
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:48,080
Speaker 1: language with like a three or four year old.

704
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,760
Speaker 3: No, but I would use the same process, and a

705
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:51,880
Speaker 3: three or four year old is going to be a

706
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:54,280
Speaker 3: lot less verbal. They might regulate their emotions and they

707
00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:56,760
Speaker 3: behavior a lot less, and the conversation is going to

708
00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:58,360
Speaker 3: be a lot simpler and a lot shorter, And it

709
00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:01,040
Speaker 3: might go something like this, what's your.

710
00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:02,680
Speaker 2: Little guy's name? Noah? No, that's right.

711
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:06,040
Speaker 3: No, I've read about Noah that you might say no.

712
00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:08,680
Speaker 3: And I know Noah doesn't have a sibling at this point,

713
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:12,240
Speaker 3: But let's just say Noah has a little sister and

714
00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:16,920
Speaker 3: he's a few years older now, and he hurts her,

715
00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:19,000
Speaker 3: he pinches her, or he scratches or he punches her,

716
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:20,520
Speaker 3: or he hits her or you know, takes the train

717
00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:23,480
Speaker 3: off or whatever it is. And you walk over to

718
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:25,960
Speaker 3: Noah and you move him away from the situation. You

719
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:29,000
Speaker 3: make sure his little sister's okay, because triage comes first,

720
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:32,080
Speaker 3: and once she's calm, you say, no, we need to

721
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,320
Speaker 3: have a chat. You know, we've got some rules in

722
00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:36,760
Speaker 3: our house about treating people with respect, and what you

723
00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:38,480
Speaker 3: just did do was not respectful.

724
00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:41,120
Speaker 2: It made her upset. That's the explaining bit.

725
00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:43,480
Speaker 3: Or you might even ask him, Noah, when you treat

726
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:45,920
Speaker 3: your sister like that how does she feel. That's a

727
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:47,959
Speaker 3: much more powerful way to do it, because he's talking

728
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:51,240
Speaker 3: and he's also experiencing a level of empathy for his sister,

729
00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:54,680
Speaker 3: and that's what you really want. You want the empathy

730
00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:57,920
Speaker 3: not to make him feel guilty, but for help, for

731
00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:01,680
Speaker 3: helping him to feel exactly. And once you get there,

732
00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:04,280
Speaker 3: you say, all right, let me understand a little bit.

733
00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:07,840
Speaker 2: Why. Let's just tell me why did you get so

734
00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:10,520
Speaker 2: upset that you hurt your sister? And so you can

735
00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:13,360
Speaker 2: put yourself into his shoes and he'll say, well, because

736
00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:16,000
Speaker 2: she called me a name, or because she took that

737
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:18,600
Speaker 2: thing off me first, or whatever, and you're like, I see,

738
00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:20,800
Speaker 2: so you felt slighted, you felt this, you felt that.

739
00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:23,880
Speaker 2: And when he feels fully understanding, you can say, all right, well,

740
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:25,920
Speaker 2: when that happens next time, what do you think is

741
00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:27,640
Speaker 2: a better way to deal with this situation.

742
00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:31,440
Speaker 3: It's exactly the same process with a little kid who's

743
00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:34,440
Speaker 3: three or four, and you can have the conversation briefly. Now,

744
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:37,400
Speaker 3: sometimes they just won't talk. I have a seven year

745
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:42,520
Speaker 3: old who hates this. She just goes hmmm, and I said, no, no,

746
00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:45,360
Speaker 3: we need to talk, and she'll say hmm, I'm like,

747
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:50,600
Speaker 3: he's not talking, and she's say, at which point I'll

748
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:53,080
Speaker 3: give her a hug, and I'll say, right now, you

749
00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:55,360
Speaker 3: don't feel like communicating about this at all, do you.

750
00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:58,200
Speaker 3: I can see how defensive you feel. This is upsetting

751
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:01,360
Speaker 3: for you. We will talk talk about this. We need

752
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:04,040
Speaker 3: to resolve this. But why don't you go and have

753
00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:06,960
Speaker 3: ten or fifteen minutes of quiet time. You can go

754
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:08,520
Speaker 3: read a book, you can go for a swim in

755
00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:08,800
Speaker 3: the pool.

756
00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:10,520
Speaker 2: I don't care what you do, so long as you

757
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:13,680
Speaker 2: treat others respectfully, and when we're both a bit calmer,

758
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:15,880
Speaker 2: we'll talk about it. Then. A lot of parents and

759
00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:18,920
Speaker 2: employers think you've got to deal with the crap that's

760
00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:21,040
Speaker 2: been handed to you in the moment.

761
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:24,000
Speaker 3: It's often the worst time to deal with it. Give

762
00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:26,480
Speaker 3: it an hour, give it a day, give it a week,

763
00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:29,720
Speaker 3: set an appointment, make it clear that this will be discussed,

764
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:32,040
Speaker 3: so that people know that there's a level of accountability,

765
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:35,520
Speaker 3: and then let it go till everyone's totally cool. And

766
00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:37,320
Speaker 3: maybe that night you sit on the edge of their bed,

767
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:42,920
Speaker 3: not your employees, but your children. Business look at Yeah,

768
00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:47,080
Speaker 3: that's right. So you sit on the edge of their

769
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,520
Speaker 3: bed because they open up at nighttime. They're feeling relaxed,

770
00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:51,720
Speaker 3: they're feeling calm, and we feel better as well. And

771
00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:53,920
Speaker 3: we might give their leg of squeeze, we're scratching their

772
00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:55,880
Speaker 3: back and we say, hey, we need to talk about

773
00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:56,640
Speaker 3: what happened today.

774
00:32:56,960 --> 00:33:00,000
Speaker 2: And then it's the same process. Explain, explore in power.

775
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:02,600
Speaker 2: They're cool. So let's now talk symptoms.

776
00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:07,000
Speaker 1: What is the old school ways of discipline a child

777
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:10,280
Speaker 1: that just fundamentally that have been proven by the now

778
00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:12,920
Speaker 1: decades of pediatric research that we have when it comes

779
00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:16,560
Speaker 1: to neural development and behavioral research that just fundamentally don't work.

780
00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:18,360
Speaker 2: They're quick, yeah, but they don't work. Yeah.

781
00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:21,880
Speaker 3: So anything that's control based smacking is.

782
00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:24,560
Speaker 2: The number one. And you know, there was a meta.

783
00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:27,239
Speaker 3: Analysis published a couple of years ago fifty years of

784
00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:29,560
Speaker 3: smacking research. Now, I want to be clear, this is

785
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:32,479
Speaker 3: smacking or is the US calls it spanking research. This

786
00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:36,040
Speaker 3: is not abuse. This is smacking. And they were very

787
00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 3: clear with this meta analysis, with these hundreds and hundreds

788
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:41,360
Speaker 3: of studies they pulled in. If there's anything that would

789
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:43,440
Speaker 3: be into the abusive side, we don't include it. We're

790
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:46,520
Speaker 3: just talking about a smack yep. Okay, across the back

791
00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:49,280
Speaker 3: of the hand or the bottom or whatever it might be.

792
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:54,560
Speaker 3: Fifty years of smacking research shows that across every variable

793
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:57,000
Speaker 3: ever measured, and they pulled out I think I can't

794
00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:59,320
Speaker 3: remem if it was ten or thirteen variables that seem

795
00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:01,600
Speaker 3: to matter the most. There is not a shred of

796
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:06,920
Speaker 3: credible evidence to support smacking for anything. The only modest

797
00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:10,240
Speaker 3: finding is that you will get a short term change

798
00:34:10,239 --> 00:34:13,759
Speaker 3: in behavior. But a fascinating study about eight years ago

799
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:15,360
Speaker 3: now by a guy called George Holden, which is one

800
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:17,320
Speaker 3: of the who is one of the world's foremost authorities

801
00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:21,040
Speaker 3: in sacking spanking research showed that even when we smack

802
00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:25,200
Speaker 3: our kids in seventy three percent of cases, within ten minutes,

803
00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:27,919
Speaker 3: they're back at challenging behavior again. So when I say

804
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:30,840
Speaker 3: short term benefit, we're talking mega short term.

805
00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:34,560
Speaker 2: What are we talking about in terms of long term? Yeah? Significant?

806
00:34:34,600 --> 00:34:39,680
Speaker 2: So we model poor relationship skills, there's problem solving, problem advance, Yeah,

807
00:34:39,719 --> 00:34:40,439
Speaker 2: pretty much. Yeah.

808
00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:43,560
Speaker 3: And research shows that if you bully your kids physically,

809
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:47,239
Speaker 3: and that's what's what this really is, then they're more

810
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:49,840
Speaker 3: likely to be bullies themselves to their siblings and to

811
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:52,040
Speaker 3: others in the playground, and they grow up to smack.

812
00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:53,640
Speaker 2: You know, people say I was smacked as a child

813
00:34:53,680 --> 00:34:55,080
Speaker 2: and I turned out fine. I grew up with the

814
00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:56,000
Speaker 2: respect for authority.

815
00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:58,839
Speaker 3: But the research would suggest that if we were smacked as children,

816
00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:01,920
Speaker 3: we're much more likely to endore punitive methods ourselves. You know,

817
00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:04,240
Speaker 3: this is I'm going to go global for a second.

818
00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:06,879
Speaker 3: I can't remember the researchers were, but about ten years

819
00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:11,239
Speaker 3: ago a paper was published that showed a significant correlation

820
00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:16,200
Speaker 3: between a country's endorsement of smacking and you know, physical

821
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:20,760
Speaker 3: violence towards children and the likelihood of them being involved

822
00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:23,480
Speaker 3: in significant global warfare.

823
00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:25,960
Speaker 2: So if you grow up.

824
00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:28,440
Speaker 3: In a country where harsh physical punishment is the norm,

825
00:35:28,719 --> 00:35:30,680
Speaker 3: you are also growing up in a country where that

826
00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:33,399
Speaker 3: you're more likely to go to war. And you look

827
00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:35,439
Speaker 3: at the countries that don't go to war so much.

828
00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:39,480
Speaker 3: Look at those lovely Northern European countries. They've outlawed smacking

829
00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:43,640
Speaker 3: for decades now they're peace loving countries in the home.

830
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:47,880
Speaker 3: Which changes the culture at a global level from the

831
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:50,000
Speaker 3: individual to the global Isn't that phenomenal?

832
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:51,840
Speaker 1: And it makes the perfect sense when we look at

833
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:53,160
Speaker 1: the state of the world right now, and now that

834
00:35:53,239 --> 00:35:54,440
Speaker 1: is a correlation.

835
00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:57,120
Speaker 3: Okay, there's no way that you can experimentally do this,

836
00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:01,280
Speaker 3: but a very interesting correlation stick correlation thanking.

837
00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:04,160
Speaker 2: What else? Withdrawal of privileges. So this is where we

838
00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:07,040
Speaker 2: take their device off them, or we take their ball

839
00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:09,719
Speaker 2: off them. I'm taking your tonka trunk and I'm going

840
00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:11,400
Speaker 2: home because I don't like the way you're playing with

841
00:36:11,440 --> 00:36:12,359
Speaker 2: your sister or your brother.

842
00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:16,080
Speaker 3: Withdrawal of privileges. Again, the research would suggest that this

843
00:36:16,239 --> 00:36:19,120
Speaker 3: is a big power play and it doesn't get us

844
00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:21,359
Speaker 3: a long term result. It just makes our kids hate us.

845
00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:24,879
Speaker 3: How do we teach kids consequence in a healthy way. Well,

846
00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:26,799
Speaker 3: this goes back to the whole empowered thing, and I'm

847
00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:28,640
Speaker 3: so glad that you came back to that. Let me

848
00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:31,120
Speaker 3: finish the other the other ones very quickly, and we'll

849
00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:33,200
Speaker 3: come back to that. So there's a time out. I

850
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:37,200
Speaker 3: call time out solitary confinement or forcible isolation. The United

851
00:36:37,280 --> 00:36:40,360
Speaker 3: Nations are half a dozen years ago actually mandated that,

852
00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:42,480
Speaker 3: you know, it was a violation of human rights put

853
00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:44,400
Speaker 3: people into solitary confinement, and yet we do it in

854
00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:46,799
Speaker 3: our homes every day. We've got to stop doing that.

855
00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:49,000
Speaker 3: Time out not helpful. Time in wonderful.

856
00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:49,719
Speaker 2: Now.

857
00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:52,440
Speaker 3: Now, let me be clear. Every now and again we

858
00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:55,240
Speaker 3: might say to our child, this isn't working.

859
00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:56,520
Speaker 2: We need some space.

860
00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 3: And in fact I did this with play for a moment, yeah,

861
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:02,440
Speaker 3: or go somewhere, and my seven year old the other day.

862
00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:04,440
Speaker 3: This is actually why I was top of mind. She

863
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:07,480
Speaker 3: refused to talk to me. She was so rude, and

864
00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:11,840
Speaker 3: I was like, I won't have you been be so

865
00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:13,719
Speaker 3: rude to me. I can understand how upset you are,

866
00:37:13,719 --> 00:37:17,120
Speaker 3: but right now you're being really, really rude. And I

867
00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:19,160
Speaker 3: said to her, I want to be with you and

868
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:21,160
Speaker 3: I want to resolve this with you because I love you.

869
00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:24,480
Speaker 3: And so rather than giving her a time out, I

870
00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:26,839
Speaker 3: invited her to be closer, and I explained how I

871
00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:30,000
Speaker 3: feel about her. I try to draw her to me

872
00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:33,080
Speaker 3: with my love. You can see again what's your energy

873
00:37:33,440 --> 00:37:35,560
Speaker 3: and you try to hurt or help. I want to

874
00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:37,279
Speaker 3: help her, and I said to it, my goal is

875
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:39,960
Speaker 3: to help you through this, but you're pushing me away.

876
00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:42,160
Speaker 3: I said, so I can leave you here in your

877
00:37:42,239 --> 00:37:46,359
Speaker 3: room until you've calmed down, or we can talk about

878
00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:49,800
Speaker 3: it now, and she said m And I said, okay.

879
00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:51,680
Speaker 3: I get a really strong sense from you that you

880
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:54,120
Speaker 3: don't want me around right now. Let me be clear

881
00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:57,319
Speaker 3: that you're choosing to send me away before I go.

882
00:37:57,320 --> 00:38:01,040
Speaker 3: Would you like a hug? I said, okay. I walked

883
00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:03,640
Speaker 3: to the door. I opened the door. I said, I'm

884
00:38:03,680 --> 00:38:05,480
Speaker 3: giving you another chance because I really do want to

885
00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:05,960
Speaker 3: be with you.

886
00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:09,600
Speaker 2: Would you like a hug? I said, okay, when you're

887
00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:12,879
Speaker 2: ready for a hug, you come get one, because we

888
00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:15,359
Speaker 2: need to spend time together, and we're going to enjoy

889
00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:17,720
Speaker 2: our time together more if we're hugging. And I stepped

890
00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:19,600
Speaker 2: out of the room and I waited about thirty seconds.

891
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:21,799
Speaker 2: Now she was not punished, she.

892
00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:24,440
Speaker 3: Was not in trouble, but a consequence of her behavior

893
00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:26,360
Speaker 3: was that she was isolated from me.

894
00:38:26,719 --> 00:38:29,279
Speaker 2: But she chose it. I didn't put it on her.

895
00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:31,840
Speaker 2: And then I stepped back in. After about thirty seconds,

896
00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:34,600
Speaker 2: I said, have you calmed down enough for a hug yet?

897
00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:36,560
Speaker 2: And she gave me the other again.

898
00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:39,959
Speaker 3: I said, okay, I'm going to go, but I really

899
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:41,319
Speaker 3: want that hug, and I know that you want to

900
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,160
Speaker 3: talk to me, so when you're ready for it, let's

901
00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:46,480
Speaker 3: do that. It took about five minutes, and after about

902
00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:50,520
Speaker 3: five minutes, she came to me and she said I

903
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:52,880
Speaker 3: think I'm ready for a hug. I said, okay, go

904
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:54,160
Speaker 3: back to your room. I'll be there in a second.

905
00:38:54,160 --> 00:38:55,840
Speaker 3: I've just got to finish what I'm doing. So she

906
00:38:55,880 --> 00:38:57,560
Speaker 3: went to her room. I walked back in about thirty

907
00:38:57,560 --> 00:39:00,279
Speaker 3: seconds later, and I said, are you sure you're for

908
00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:00,680
Speaker 3: a hug?

909
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:03,560
Speaker 2: And she looked at me funny and sort of half nodded,

910
00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:06,080
Speaker 2: and I said, if you're ready for a hug, put

911
00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:09,399
Speaker 2: your hand on your nose. And she put a hand

912
00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:11,960
Speaker 2: on her knee and we turned it a little bit

913
00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:12,440
Speaker 2: of a game.

914
00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:14,000
Speaker 3: And I walked over and I gave her a little

915
00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:16,319
Speaker 3: tickle and I scratched it back, and I said, it

916
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:19,640
Speaker 3: feels good when we can talk nicely, doesn't it. And

917
00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:21,480
Speaker 3: she sort of snuggled into me and we had a

918
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:26,520
Speaker 3: really nice chat. So forcible isolation, it doesn't work. It

919
00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:28,920
Speaker 3: makes kids hate us. My mom sent me to my

920
00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:32,400
Speaker 3: room when I was fifteen. I remember the incident quite clearly.

921
00:39:32,680 --> 00:39:35,200
Speaker 3: My sister had upset me and I said, Karenna, you're

922
00:39:35,239 --> 00:39:37,880
Speaker 3: just a stupid idiot. And my mom said, justin, we

923
00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:40,680
Speaker 3: don't speak like that in this house. You say sorry

924
00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:43,640
Speaker 3: right away, and I said, fine, Karina, I'm sorry. You're

925
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:46,359
Speaker 3: a stupid idiot, and mom sent me to my room.

926
00:39:46,560 --> 00:39:48,560
Speaker 3: Think about what you've done. I worked my room, and

927
00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:50,640
Speaker 3: I sat down at my desk, and I thought to myself,

928
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,360
Speaker 3: I am an impediment to my family's happiness.

929
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:53,960
Speaker 2: I need to be a better brother.

930
00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:55,520
Speaker 3: And now that I've spent some time in my room,

931
00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:57,880
Speaker 3: I'm resolving to be a better human as soon as

932
00:39:57,920 --> 00:40:00,920
Speaker 3: I leave this room. Like no teenager, no kid ever,

933
00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:02,920
Speaker 3: says that I was like my mom. I hate my mom.

934
00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:04,719
Speaker 3: She doesn't understand I hate my sister. I'm going to

935
00:40:04,719 --> 00:40:07,400
Speaker 3: get her back. I plotted my revenge. So that's what

936
00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:10,839
Speaker 3: forcible isolation or time out does. So they're the standard ones,

937
00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:12,120
Speaker 3: you know, and there's a handful of other things, but

938
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:14,440
Speaker 3: they're the standard ones, yelling, threatening, all that sort of stuff.

939
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:17,480
Speaker 1: How do and threats actually an interesting one because it

940
00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:20,440
Speaker 1: often becomes like a real easy default in general conversation,

941
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:22,400
Speaker 1: whether you're getting them out of the pool, trying to

942
00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:23,360
Speaker 1: get them ready for and.

943
00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:25,320
Speaker 2: Then you've got to follow through and you feel like scum.

944
00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:27,800
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, so do you how do we get the

945
00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:31,919
Speaker 2: children to do what we want without even using subtle threat? Yeah? Cool?

946
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:36,520
Speaker 3: So this ties back in with your previous question about consequences, okay,

947
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:39,200
Speaker 3: because the threat and the consequence are the same. So

948
00:40:39,239 --> 00:40:42,799
Speaker 3: there are consequences to actions, okay. And it might be

949
00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:45,799
Speaker 3: that if the kids, let's use the pool example, get

950
00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:47,680
Speaker 3: out of the pool. You know it's time to leave

951
00:40:47,680 --> 00:40:49,840
Speaker 3: the beach, just one more swim, and they go in.

952
00:40:49,880 --> 00:40:50,799
Speaker 2: I've got to get the sand off.

953
00:40:50,840 --> 00:40:52,480
Speaker 3: And then halfway at the beach they fall on the

954
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:54,680
Speaker 3: sand and I've got to get the sand off again,

955
00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:55,839
Speaker 3: and they run back down to the water.

956
00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:58,960
Speaker 2: What we do is we have that conversation, We explain,

957
00:40:59,000 --> 00:40:59,920
Speaker 2: we explore, and we empower.

958
00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:03,560
Speaker 3: But the empowered conversation I only told you about the

959
00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:06,800
Speaker 3: good stuff earlier. There's also the consequence aspect to it

960
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,920
Speaker 3: as well. Well, I did breeze across it. And that

961
00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:11,799
Speaker 3: is when they come up with an empowering solution that

962
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:14,879
Speaker 3: doesn't actually work, or that fails to acknowledge that there

963
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:17,640
Speaker 3: needs to be a consequence. Sometimes we might say, well

964
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:22,200
Speaker 3: that's not quite enough. For example, let's not use the beach.

965
00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:25,480
Speaker 3: Let's use You've broken something that belonged to me or

966
00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:28,040
Speaker 3: your brother or your sister. You've broken something that was

967
00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:30,120
Speaker 3: a value. When we say so, what are we going

968
00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:31,440
Speaker 3: to do to make sure this doesn't happen again. They

969
00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:32,719
Speaker 3: might say, well, I've got to be more careful and

970
00:41:32,719 --> 00:41:36,040
Speaker 3: I shouldn't throw balls in the house. Great, that's really important,

971
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:38,680
Speaker 3: But what are we going to do about the breakage?

972
00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:42,920
Speaker 3: Because you need to be accountable for that what's going

973
00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:44,560
Speaker 3: to happen there? So we empower them to come up

974
00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:48,040
Speaker 3: with a solution, and the consequence is part of that empowering,

975
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:51,759
Speaker 3: so they might have to empowering them. We're not just

976
00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:53,880
Speaker 3: empowering them to come up with good solutions to make

977
00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:55,440
Speaker 3: sure stuff doesn't happen in future.

978
00:41:55,719 --> 00:41:57,800
Speaker 2: We're empowering them to use.

979
00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:02,320
Speaker 3: Their or oh a, are their ownership, their accountability, and

980
00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:03,280
Speaker 3: their responsibility.

981
00:42:03,360 --> 00:42:06,480
Speaker 2: You're not truly empowered unless you're being responsible.

982
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:08,399
Speaker 3: And so if they won't get out of the pool,

983
00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:11,680
Speaker 3: or if they won't repair the damage, or if they

984
00:42:11,719 --> 00:42:13,560
Speaker 3: won't do this or do that, we need to hold

985
00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:15,920
Speaker 3: them accountable. So we bring them back into that empowering conversation.

986
00:42:15,960 --> 00:42:17,600
Speaker 3: We say, I want to help you to be responsible.

987
00:42:17,719 --> 00:42:19,680
Speaker 3: This will help you to be a better human being.

988
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:23,680
Speaker 3: As you take responsibility for your behavior, you'll become a

989
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:27,080
Speaker 3: better person, You'll be more trustworthy, you'll be more reliable.

990
00:42:27,239 --> 00:42:29,120
Speaker 3: You'll become the sort of person that people want to

991
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:30,960
Speaker 3: be with because they know they can count on you.

992
00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:35,200
Speaker 3: So we need you to use your are ownership, accountability, responsibility.

993
00:42:35,719 --> 00:42:37,880
Speaker 3: You've made a mistake here. You haven't done as you

994
00:42:37,880 --> 00:42:39,680
Speaker 3: were asked, and it was a reasonable request. I gave

995
00:42:39,680 --> 00:42:41,200
Speaker 3: you a ten minute warning, we're done at the beach.

996
00:42:41,239 --> 00:42:44,480
Speaker 3: In ten minutes, you stayed for another twenty. You kept

997
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:46,000
Speaker 3: going in the water, you wouldn't get in the car,

998
00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:49,480
Speaker 3: you kept getting sandy. How can we fix this so

999
00:42:49,520 --> 00:42:52,160
Speaker 3: that this doesn't happen again? What responsibility can you take?

1000
00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:54,600
Speaker 3: You hurt your sister. Now, it's great that you've said

1001
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:56,320
Speaker 3: that you're not going to get in that situation again,

1002
00:42:56,560 --> 00:42:58,399
Speaker 3: But what else do you need to do that's right?

1003
00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:00,319
Speaker 2: You need to say sorry. Now.

1004
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:02,480
Speaker 3: I'm not going to tell you that you've got to

1005
00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:04,399
Speaker 3: do it right this second, but I want to find

1006
00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:05,719
Speaker 3: out by the end of the day that you've done it.

1007
00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:07,920
Speaker 2: You've done it properly. By the way, quick aside, a

1008
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:10,760
Speaker 2: good apology for anyone, whether you're a child or an adult,

1009
00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:11,840
Speaker 2: should have four elements.

1010
00:43:12,040 --> 00:43:15,520
Speaker 3: I'm sorry for what I did, state what you did.

1011
00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:19,520
Speaker 3: I'm sorry that I hurt you, and then state the

1012
00:43:19,520 --> 00:43:22,520
Speaker 3: effect that it had on them. I'm sorry that I

1013
00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:25,880
Speaker 3: hurt you. I know that it made you feel like

1014
00:43:25,920 --> 00:43:30,000
Speaker 3: you can't trust me, and it made you cry. And

1015
00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:31,760
Speaker 3: the last part, which I think is the most important

1016
00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:34,719
Speaker 3: of all, is will you forgive me? Will you forgive me?

1017
00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:38,359
Speaker 3: Matters because it says what I did. You know, when

1018
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:40,640
Speaker 3: someone says I'm sorry, and everyone says, yeah, that's okay,

1019
00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:43,839
Speaker 3: sometimes it's not okay. And I want my kids to

1020
00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:48,440
Speaker 3: know that sometimes it's not okay. So you ask for forgiveness.

1021
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:51,759
Speaker 2: That's the humility that's really making it right. Will you

1022
00:43:51,840 --> 00:43:52,239
Speaker 2: forgive me?

1023
00:43:52,719 --> 00:43:55,000
Speaker 3: And so we go through these empowering conversations with our

1024
00:43:55,080 --> 00:43:57,200
Speaker 3: children and with our employees, and we say, this is

1025
00:43:57,239 --> 00:43:58,760
Speaker 3: what's happened.

1026
00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:00,359
Speaker 2: There may need to be a consequence to this.

1027
00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:02,640
Speaker 3: Isn't it great if you sit down with an employee

1028
00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:06,040
Speaker 3: and say you've failed something that I asked you to do.

1029
00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:09,120
Speaker 3: I've explored where you're coming from. I can see why

1030
00:44:09,120 --> 00:44:12,480
Speaker 3: it all happened. But ultimately this is an hr issue.

1031
00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:15,360
Speaker 3: We've got a clear policy and you've failed this policy

1032
00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:16,319
Speaker 3: in a significant way.

1033
00:44:16,719 --> 00:44:19,160
Speaker 2: What do you think is the right way forward from here?

1034
00:44:19,440 --> 00:44:21,440
Speaker 3: Isn't it an amazing when you've got an employee who says, well,

1035
00:44:22,080 --> 00:44:23,920
Speaker 3: I don't really want you to, but I suppose I

1036
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:27,960
Speaker 3: probably deserve a written warning for this and some counseling

1037
00:44:28,040 --> 00:44:30,400
Speaker 3: over it, and you can say, yeah, okay.

1038
00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:31,600
Speaker 2: Job done. You give them.

1039
00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:34,719
Speaker 3: They've already told you what the consequence should be, and

1040
00:44:34,840 --> 00:44:37,200
Speaker 3: so that's what we're working towards now. It's really interesting

1041
00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:41,440
Speaker 3: because there's a difference between consequences and punishments. Punishments is

1042
00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:45,040
Speaker 3: when somebody with power does something horrible to another person

1043
00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:49,120
Speaker 3: to make them pay a price. A consequence, in this context,

1044
00:44:49,160 --> 00:44:52,479
Speaker 3: at least, is when the person recognizes that they've done

1045
00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:55,520
Speaker 3: wrong and acknowledges that there is going to be a

1046
00:44:56,160 --> 00:44:59,839
Speaker 3: They actually they're choosing their price in a sense. They're saying, yeah,

1047
00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:02,239
Speaker 3: messed up, and this is what I know needs to

1048
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:06,000
Speaker 3: happen now, and I accept it. It's such it changes

1049
00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:11,000
Speaker 3: the dynamic. The relationship remains positive and helpful and healing,

1050
00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:14,680
Speaker 3: rather than punitive and punishing and horrible.

1051
00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:15,520
Speaker 2: Nice.

1052
00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:18,719
Speaker 1: One of the things that I've learned being a parent,

1053
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:21,200
Speaker 1: also a leader in business, but especially as a parent.

1054
00:45:21,280 --> 00:45:23,600
Speaker 1: You know, and I'm talking to someone who's experienced an

1055
00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:26,880
Speaker 1: unusual amount of trauma in my childhood, and it's affected

1056
00:45:26,880 --> 00:45:30,920
Speaker 1: me in a range of different ways. And I'm not

1057
00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:33,160
Speaker 1: here to lay blame on any experience that I've had

1058
00:45:33,239 --> 00:45:35,160
Speaker 1: to just put me in any of the situations that

1059
00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:37,040
Speaker 1: I mean, but I'm certainly now more aware of how

1060
00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:38,640
Speaker 1: I got to where I am, especially when we're talking

1061
00:45:38,640 --> 00:45:40,280
Speaker 1: about addiction, right, So I'm an adict.

1062
00:45:40,400 --> 00:45:43,120
Speaker 2: I'm very open about this conversation. And I was always

1063
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:44,080
Speaker 2: very curious about.

1064
00:45:43,920 --> 00:45:46,399
Speaker 1: How is it that I developed this desire to want

1065
00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:49,000
Speaker 1: to numb myself and design to want to relieve pain

1066
00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:51,359
Speaker 1: very quickly? And when I started to become a pair

1067
00:45:51,400 --> 00:45:54,160
Speaker 1: of when I started to really research the latest information

1068
00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:57,840
Speaker 1: and around how a child's brain develops and what a

1069
00:45:57,960 --> 00:46:01,080
Speaker 1: child really needs in order for a healthy brain to form,

1070
00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:03,839
Speaker 1: so that they learn how to regulate emotion in healthy ways,

1071
00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:06,239
Speaker 1: so they learn how to regulate stress in healthy ways,

1072
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:09,000
Speaker 1: so that their brain develops in a way that literally,

1073
00:46:09,160 --> 00:46:13,200
Speaker 1: in almost an automatic nature, it does it for them,

1074
00:46:13,480 --> 00:46:15,440
Speaker 1: so to speak. So one of the things that I've

1075
00:46:15,480 --> 00:46:19,040
Speaker 1: learned about is the importance of safety of children, feeling safe,

1076
00:46:19,400 --> 00:46:22,879
Speaker 1: of children trusting us. And again, when we start looking

1077
00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:24,759
Speaker 1: at the way that we discipline people, or the way

1078
00:46:24,760 --> 00:46:28,080
Speaker 1: that we discipline our children specifically, we really start looking

1079
00:46:28,120 --> 00:46:30,520
Speaker 1: at okay, there's a level of threat there, there's a

1080
00:46:30,640 --> 00:46:34,239
Speaker 1: level of broken potential to break trust. But there's also

1081
00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:37,239
Speaker 1: a level of fear that is inspired that makes these

1082
00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:40,640
Speaker 1: children experience high levels of stress, which has a biochemical response,

1083
00:46:40,719 --> 00:46:42,600
Speaker 1: high levels of emotion that in many cases they haven't

1084
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:44,759
Speaker 1: got the tools to regulate. But when we look at

1085
00:46:44,840 --> 00:46:46,879
Speaker 1: children and in some cases we go, oh my god,

1086
00:46:47,120 --> 00:46:49,200
Speaker 1: they're in a state, they're having a complete that meltdown,

1087
00:46:49,200 --> 00:46:51,719
Speaker 1: we'reoking to go the last because the logical conclusions the

1088
00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:53,960
Speaker 1: last thing this kid needs right now is a hug,

1089
00:46:54,320 --> 00:46:58,160
Speaker 1: because the assumption is, you know, stimulus response. Well, if

1090
00:46:58,200 --> 00:47:00,480
Speaker 1: I hug this child, all I'm doing is reinforcing that

1091
00:47:00,560 --> 00:47:03,759
Speaker 1: this behavior is okay. Is this still the way that

1092
00:47:03,800 --> 00:47:06,120
Speaker 1: we should be approaching like children having meltdowns in nine

1093
00:47:06,120 --> 00:47:06,520
Speaker 1: and four.

1094
00:47:06,480 --> 00:47:08,359
Speaker 3: Your parents say this all the time. If I hug them,

1095
00:47:08,400 --> 00:47:13,160
Speaker 3: I'm just reinforcing their negative behavior. As bloney, it doesn't

1096
00:47:13,239 --> 00:47:17,320
Speaker 3: stack up. Let's put this into an adult context. You

1097
00:47:17,760 --> 00:47:21,279
Speaker 3: are stressed out, you've gone through something traumatic, You've just

1098
00:47:21,320 --> 00:47:23,400
Speaker 3: had a phone call, you've gone you know, something's just

1099
00:47:23,480 --> 00:47:25,640
Speaker 3: happened right here in front of you. It's traumatic, it's

1100
00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:28,360
Speaker 3: frightened you, it's messed you up, whatever it is, and

1101
00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:31,920
Speaker 3: you're in a really significant emotional state. Maybe you've just

1102
00:47:31,960 --> 00:47:35,520
Speaker 3: had a major conflict with somebody. What do you need

1103
00:47:35,640 --> 00:47:37,799
Speaker 3: right in that moment. Do you need somebody to say,

1104
00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:40,640
Speaker 3: cut it out, stop being so silly, that's enough, go

1105
00:47:40,760 --> 00:47:42,920
Speaker 3: to your room and calm down. Or do you need

1106
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:46,879
Speaker 3: somebody to say you feel awful, you've just been through,

1107
00:47:46,960 --> 00:47:48,200
Speaker 3: you're really struggling with this.

1108
00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:50,520
Speaker 2: Just come here and let me, let me hold you,

1109
00:47:50,800 --> 00:47:53,759
Speaker 2: let me make you feel safe. I think that that's

1110
00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:56,839
Speaker 2: the answer. You know, as adults, we crave it. Let's

1111
00:47:56,920 --> 00:47:59,799
Speaker 2: choose a much simpler example. You're driving home, you're stuck

1112
00:47:59,840 --> 00:48:01,680
Speaker 2: in traffic. You get home half an hour late.

1113
00:48:01,719 --> 00:48:03,279
Speaker 3: You've got a speeding fine on the way home because

1114
00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:04,919
Speaker 3: you were rushing when the traffic finally broke.

1115
00:48:05,640 --> 00:48:06,439
Speaker 2: You walk in the door.

1116
00:48:06,680 --> 00:48:08,399
Speaker 3: You've had a blow up with the boss that day,

1117
00:48:08,600 --> 00:48:10,920
Speaker 3: and your spouse or significant other, your partner says to here,

1118
00:48:11,640 --> 00:48:13,680
Speaker 3: if you're going to walk in here looking like that,

1119
00:48:14,680 --> 00:48:17,000
Speaker 3: you're gonna bring that attitude, that negative energy in here.

1120
00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:18,680
Speaker 2: You just go to your room. I don't want to

1121
00:48:18,760 --> 00:48:23,200
Speaker 2: see that it doesn't work, does it. As an adult,

1122
00:48:23,280 --> 00:48:25,799
Speaker 2: you walk in and you want them to say, wow,

1123
00:48:25,800 --> 00:48:28,759
Speaker 2: it looks like you've had a rotten day. What can

1124
00:48:28,800 --> 00:48:30,520
Speaker 2: I do to help? Do you need a hug? Do

1125
00:48:30,560 --> 00:48:32,200
Speaker 2: you just want some time? Do you want to sit down?

1126
00:48:32,239 --> 00:48:34,320
Speaker 2: Can I get you anything? And all of a sudden,

1127
00:48:34,719 --> 00:48:38,319
Speaker 2: you feel that bird and that stress start to start

1128
00:48:38,400 --> 00:48:41,640
Speaker 2: to disappear, and you feel safe and you feel like

1129
00:48:41,719 --> 00:48:43,839
Speaker 2: you can fall into their arms and have a little

1130
00:48:43,880 --> 00:48:47,160
Speaker 2: cry or laugh and say you wouldn't believe what happened today.

1131
00:48:48,239 --> 00:48:51,080
Speaker 2: And that's what our kids need. That safety and security

1132
00:48:51,160 --> 00:48:53,640
Speaker 2: is exactly what they want. So when they're having a

1133
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:56,200
Speaker 2: meltdown an aisle four, what we do is we leave

1134
00:48:56,239 --> 00:48:58,600
Speaker 2: the trolley and we get it on the floor with

1135
00:48:58,640 --> 00:49:01,440
Speaker 2: out child and we say, you feel really off right now,

1136
00:49:01,880 --> 00:49:03,680
Speaker 2: you know? I mean, look, rule number one, don't take

1137
00:49:03,719 --> 00:49:07,600
Speaker 2: kids shopping, Just don't. Kids and shopping centers are not

1138
00:49:07,680 --> 00:49:08,120
Speaker 2: a good mix.

1139
00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:09,920
Speaker 3: But if you don't have a choice, if you have

1140
00:49:10,040 --> 00:49:15,000
Speaker 3: got to take them shopping, then then set yourself up

1141
00:49:15,040 --> 00:49:17,160
Speaker 3: for success. Don't take them when they're tired, Give them

1142
00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:18,719
Speaker 3: a treat as soon as they get there, you know,

1143
00:49:18,840 --> 00:49:20,600
Speaker 3: buy them a part of the strawberries as soon as.

1144
00:49:20,480 --> 00:49:21,160
Speaker 2: You walk in the door.

1145
00:49:21,600 --> 00:49:23,320
Speaker 3: Let them know, no loll is today, kids, but you

1146
00:49:23,360 --> 00:49:25,360
Speaker 3: can choose anything from the fruit aisle. Will pay for

1147
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:27,520
Speaker 3: it straight away. I mean a lot of supermarkets giving

1148
00:49:27,520 --> 00:49:30,480
Speaker 3: away free fruit for kids now anyway, and give them

1149
00:49:30,760 --> 00:49:33,359
Speaker 3: a treat, make it special for them, Engage them, let

1150
00:49:33,400 --> 00:49:34,760
Speaker 3: them pull things off the shelves.

1151
00:49:35,680 --> 00:49:37,920
Speaker 2: You know, don't stare at your phone. Stare at your

1152
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:39,960
Speaker 2: child and spend that time with them.

1153
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:41,600
Speaker 3: If they do have the melt down because they want

1154
00:49:41,640 --> 00:49:45,279
Speaker 3: to have that treat that's on the shelf there, move

1155
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:48,440
Speaker 3: away to leave the trolley at the service desk, take

1156
00:49:48,480 --> 00:49:50,719
Speaker 3: them for a walk, get outside, let them know that

1157
00:49:50,800 --> 00:49:52,279
Speaker 3: you love them. If they want to lay on the

1158
00:49:52,320 --> 00:49:55,359
Speaker 3: floor and kick and scream, the punch the ground, let

1159
00:49:55,440 --> 00:49:56,839
Speaker 3: them do that, and say, as soon as you're ready

1160
00:49:56,840 --> 00:49:59,600
Speaker 3: for a hard gum right here, invite them in. Invite

1161
00:49:59,640 --> 00:50:01,960
Speaker 3: them in, invite them in, give them their space, and

1162
00:50:02,000 --> 00:50:03,480
Speaker 3: then they'll come to you and I'll calm down.

1163
00:50:03,640 --> 00:50:06,960
Speaker 1: And that's been transformational, especially for myself and Noah, because

1164
00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,160
Speaker 1: you know I come from background training animals. You know,

1165
00:50:09,200 --> 00:50:11,480
Speaker 1: I've worked with dogs and horses, and again it's what

1166
00:50:11,680 --> 00:50:15,799
Speaker 1: behave you reinforcing by reward, and again the difference being

1167
00:50:15,960 --> 00:50:18,719
Speaker 1: is dogs don't have a prefrontal cortex. Children do, and

1168
00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:21,279
Speaker 1: so their brains develop in different ways. And it's been

1169
00:50:21,440 --> 00:50:23,880
Speaker 1: profound and I just want to really endorse this the

1170
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:26,320
Speaker 1: level of transformation that I see in Noah when he

1171
00:50:26,480 --> 00:50:27,760
Speaker 1: is having those moments where.

1172
00:50:27,640 --> 00:50:30,200
Speaker 2: He is overwhelmed. He and you literally look at me

1173
00:50:30,239 --> 00:50:30,600
Speaker 2: and go, okay.

1174
00:50:30,680 --> 00:50:32,080
Speaker 1: Now I can look at you and go, I can

1175
00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:34,960
Speaker 1: see you don't actually have the mental capabilities to deal

1176
00:50:35,000 --> 00:50:36,719
Speaker 1: with the level of emotion you've got running through your

1177
00:50:36,719 --> 00:50:37,319
Speaker 1: brain right now.

1178
00:50:37,600 --> 00:50:39,200
Speaker 2: So I'm just going to get down to your level.

1179
00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:42,040
Speaker 2: I'm going to hold you nice and tight and just.

1180
00:50:42,320 --> 00:50:45,279
Speaker 1: Whisper words, buddy, it's okay, you're safe, you're all right,

1181
00:50:45,400 --> 00:50:47,640
Speaker 1: everything's going to be okay. And then slow down and

1182
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:49,400
Speaker 1: look at me and go look at me, buddy, look

1183
00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:52,120
Speaker 1: at me. You must be frustrated right now, you must

1184
00:50:52,160 --> 00:50:56,040
Speaker 1: be experiencing see that you're experiencing highlevels of emotion right now,

1185
00:50:56,320 --> 00:50:58,400
Speaker 1: and I want you to know it's okay, buddy, it's okay,

1186
00:50:58,719 --> 00:51:00,759
Speaker 1: and we'll get through this together. And we'll get and

1187
00:51:00,800 --> 00:51:02,239
Speaker 1: I say, and I've taught him. Now we'll take a

1188
00:51:02,280 --> 00:51:04,400
Speaker 1: deep breath, Come on, And he's the only child that

1189
00:51:04,440 --> 00:51:06,719
Speaker 1: I've met before that when he starts getting a little

1190
00:51:06,719 --> 00:51:08,359
Speaker 1: bit hyped up, when he's getting upset, I can say

1191
00:51:08,360 --> 00:51:10,560
Speaker 1: to him across room, Noah, take a breath, and he'll.

1192
00:51:10,440 --> 00:51:14,080
Speaker 2: Look at that. Beautiful. Yeah, incredible.

1193
00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:17,200
Speaker 1: But then the transformation that takes play, and again parents

1194
00:51:17,239 --> 00:51:18,879
Speaker 1: are looking at it, and you fucking teach your child

1195
00:51:18,880 --> 00:51:20,520
Speaker 1: will worship, so that you should be teaching your child.

1196
00:51:20,520 --> 00:51:22,760
Speaker 1: You know, you receive the judgment, you see the judgment,

1197
00:51:22,800 --> 00:51:25,520
Speaker 1: but the power in the process you're talking about, it's

1198
00:51:25,560 --> 00:51:28,200
Speaker 1: just phenomenal. But look, there's a lot of parents out

1199
00:51:28,239 --> 00:51:30,880
Speaker 1: there that are dealing with high stress situations. And one

1200
00:51:30,880 --> 00:51:32,239
Speaker 1: of the things that I've learned about now is the

1201
00:51:32,239 --> 00:51:34,880
Speaker 1: importance of teaching our kids how to deal with stress

1202
00:51:35,040 --> 00:51:37,239
Speaker 1: by showing them how to deal with it. Now, teaching

1203
00:51:37,320 --> 00:51:39,080
Speaker 1: kids how to deal with pain by showing them how

1204
00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:40,440
Speaker 1: to deal with it, because what I've learned from my

1205
00:51:40,440 --> 00:51:42,400
Speaker 1: own experience is, but I wasn't taught how to deal

1206
00:51:42,480 --> 00:51:44,919
Speaker 1: with pain in a very healthy way, and I wasn't

1207
00:51:44,960 --> 00:51:47,440
Speaker 1: taught how to regulate pain in a very healthy way.

1208
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:49,160
Speaker 1: Because you know, my parents, or one of my parents

1209
00:51:49,200 --> 00:51:52,319
Speaker 1: weren't necessarily able to do that, which when the moment

1210
00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:54,759
Speaker 1: a quick fix was introduced, it made it very easy,

1211
00:51:54,840 --> 00:51:58,000
Speaker 1: because oh, that just makes it easy. And again, I

1212
00:51:58,040 --> 00:51:59,400
Speaker 1: don't want to be saying to parents that we do.

1213
00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:01,480
Speaker 1: Great book and maybe you've heard of it's called written

1214
00:52:01,480 --> 00:52:03,200
Speaker 1: by a guy called James Oliver. It's called They Fuck

1215
00:52:03,239 --> 00:52:05,520
Speaker 1: You Up. It's actually a book on parenting called They

1216
00:52:05,560 --> 00:52:08,160
Speaker 1: Fuck You Up. And it literally talks about how parental

1217
00:52:08,239 --> 00:52:10,960
Speaker 1: induced to trauma dramatically increases.

1218
00:52:10,960 --> 00:52:13,920
Speaker 2: The risk of addiction, the risk of ADHD, the risk.

1219
00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:17,399
Speaker 1: Of juvenile criminal behavior, and all these other attributes, which

1220
00:52:17,400 --> 00:52:20,000
Speaker 1: is really quite fascinating but one of the most devastating

1221
00:52:20,080 --> 00:52:22,480
Speaker 1: things that can happen to a family unit or perceived

1222
00:52:22,560 --> 00:52:25,120
Speaker 1: to be, which I'm finding out isn't necessarily the truth

1223
00:52:25,239 --> 00:52:29,000
Speaker 1: right now. But what's interesting is both my wife and

1224
00:52:29,120 --> 00:52:32,080
Speaker 1: myself we come from families that experience divorce at very

1225
00:52:32,160 --> 00:52:33,000
Speaker 1: young ages.

1226
00:52:33,480 --> 00:52:36,920
Speaker 3: Which also transfers into generationally, and all the research shows

1227
00:52:37,400 --> 00:52:39,319
Speaker 3: much higher risk if you come from that family.

1228
00:52:39,360 --> 00:52:41,640
Speaker 1: But what's interesting is the level of dedication that both

1229
00:52:41,680 --> 00:52:46,080
Speaker 1: my wife and I have to demonstrating, you know. And

1230
00:52:46,160 --> 00:52:48,000
Speaker 1: it's interesting because Vanessa's talking about this is the title

1231
00:52:48,000 --> 00:52:50,600
Speaker 1: of the next book, Divorce without Damage. You know where

1232
00:52:50,800 --> 00:52:54,719
Speaker 1: it can It is possible to go through separation and

1233
00:52:54,800 --> 00:52:57,960
Speaker 1: to go through a divorce without actually creating and then

1234
00:52:58,040 --> 00:53:02,920
Speaker 1: any additional trauma that can create long lasting impacts that

1235
00:53:03,000 --> 00:53:05,320
Speaker 1: can affect the trajectory of that child's entire life. And

1236
00:53:05,560 --> 00:53:07,040
Speaker 1: you've only got to look at the data of what

1237
00:53:07,120 --> 00:53:09,520
Speaker 1: happens to what are the increased probabilities and variables of

1238
00:53:09,560 --> 00:53:11,880
Speaker 1: a child that goes through divorce. It's not necessarily a

1239
00:53:11,920 --> 00:53:14,680
Speaker 1: good looking scenario. It's not a pretty picture, but there

1240
00:53:14,800 --> 00:53:16,080
Speaker 1: is a way that we can approach it in no

1241
00:53:16,160 --> 00:53:18,040
Speaker 1: healthy I'm in the middle of this myself, and I'm

1242
00:53:18,040 --> 00:53:19,040
Speaker 1: not saying it's easy.

1243
00:53:19,160 --> 00:53:19,400
Speaker 2: It's not.

1244
00:53:19,600 --> 00:53:21,520
Speaker 1: It's very difficult because we have to put our shit,

1245
00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:24,640
Speaker 1: our beliefs, our control to the side. But what are

1246
00:53:24,719 --> 00:53:26,080
Speaker 1: some of the things that we can do as parents,

1247
00:53:26,200 --> 00:53:28,520
Speaker 1: perhaps are in the early stages of a separation or

1248
00:53:28,560 --> 00:53:30,040
Speaker 1: in the midst of a divorce. That might be a

1249
00:53:30,080 --> 00:53:31,960
Speaker 1: little bit messy, because I think one of the things

1250
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:34,120
Speaker 1: that parents do is they put themselves first, not the kids,

1251
00:53:34,160 --> 00:53:37,560
Speaker 1: and that means the mistake, right, how do we as

1252
00:53:37,719 --> 00:53:41,480
Speaker 1: parents get our head around the potential of and I'm

1253
00:53:41,520 --> 00:53:44,000
Speaker 1: going to say it bluntly that if we don't deal

1254
00:53:44,080 --> 00:53:46,600
Speaker 1: with separation, well, if we don't deal with divorce, well,

1255
00:53:46,680 --> 00:53:49,080
Speaker 1: we are going to potentially fuck this kid up for

1256
00:53:49,200 --> 00:53:51,160
Speaker 1: life in ways that we will never in some cases

1257
00:53:51,200 --> 00:53:54,520
Speaker 1: truly understand because we don't understand the development of a

1258
00:53:54,600 --> 00:53:57,600
Speaker 1: child's brain at that level. How do we first of

1259
00:53:57,640 --> 00:54:00,080
Speaker 1: all understand the importance, but secondly, how do we go

1260
00:54:00,239 --> 00:54:02,200
Speaker 1: through a separation. How do we go through a divorce

1261
00:54:02,440 --> 00:54:04,320
Speaker 1: and put the kids first and actually do it in

1262
00:54:04,400 --> 00:54:06,960
Speaker 1: a healthy way that will enable them to live the

1263
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:08,960
Speaker 1: increase the probability and living healthy life.

1264
00:54:09,040 --> 00:54:11,200
Speaker 2: You need to be a pretty enlightened individual. That's the

1265
00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:13,719
Speaker 2: reality of it, because there's so much emotion, there's so

1266
00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:17,279
Speaker 2: much baggage aligned with it. A couple of things. First

1267
00:54:17,360 --> 00:54:19,960
Speaker 2: of all, you want to treat.

1268
00:54:19,840 --> 00:54:27,120
Speaker 3: Your X as a business partner or as a business client.

1269
00:54:28,200 --> 00:54:31,320
Speaker 3: And the reason for that is you're very, very rarely

1270
00:54:31,600 --> 00:54:35,920
Speaker 3: going to send your business clients text messages at one am,

1271
00:54:36,360 --> 00:54:38,759
Speaker 3: calling them names and telling them what you really think.

1272
00:54:39,719 --> 00:54:42,000
Speaker 3: No matter how you feel about that business client, they're

1273
00:54:42,080 --> 00:54:44,640
Speaker 3: keeping your business afloat, and you're going to treat them respectfully.

1274
00:54:44,880 --> 00:54:46,600
Speaker 2: You're going to bend over backwards to make sure that

1275
00:54:46,640 --> 00:54:47,640
Speaker 2: they feel satisfied.

1276
00:54:47,920 --> 00:54:50,920
Speaker 3: Now, if both parties can do that, we're already off

1277
00:54:50,960 --> 00:54:52,840
Speaker 3: to a really, really, really good start.

1278
00:54:54,520 --> 00:54:56,319
Speaker 2: I'm going to say, but if we can't have both

1279
00:54:56,360 --> 00:54:58,920
Speaker 2: parties doing that, at least one part in this.

1280
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:02,239
Speaker 3: At least yeah, I ideally both, but if both for

1281
00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:06,400
Speaker 3: whatever reason because of their own stuff, can't and by

1282
00:55:06,440 --> 00:55:09,440
Speaker 3: the way, can't means don't want to. You know, if

1283
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:11,359
Speaker 3: one of them doesn't want to because they've got too

1284
00:55:11,440 --> 00:55:13,880
Speaker 3: much pride, too much anger, too much business, too much resentment,

1285
00:55:14,920 --> 00:55:17,839
Speaker 3: we really do need to bend over backwards to see

1286
00:55:18,360 --> 00:55:21,840
Speaker 3: this person as a business partner, a business client.

1287
00:55:22,400 --> 00:55:25,200
Speaker 2: So that's the first thing. The second thing, just don't

1288
00:55:25,239 --> 00:55:29,239
Speaker 2: speak badly about your ex to your kids. Just don't.

1289
00:55:30,360 --> 00:55:33,880
Speaker 3: It really is, it's so damaging and anyone who's been

1290
00:55:33,920 --> 00:55:36,319
Speaker 3: in this situation. I've talked to so many people who

1291
00:55:36,360 --> 00:55:40,800
Speaker 3: have been through this, The damage that's done, and somebody's

1292
00:55:40,800 --> 00:55:42,520
Speaker 3: always going to do it. But don't be the one,

1293
00:55:42,920 --> 00:55:44,560
Speaker 3: because once the kids do get older and they do

1294
00:55:44,640 --> 00:55:47,520
Speaker 3: become adult, one day, they're going to be like, you know,

1295
00:55:49,800 --> 00:55:51,360
Speaker 3: I'm being gendered here purely.

1296
00:55:51,800 --> 00:55:54,560
Speaker 2: I'm not picking on anyone I'm just going to say, Mum, Mum,

1297
00:55:55,360 --> 00:55:59,440
Speaker 2: you always gave Dad the benefit of the doubt. You

1298
00:55:59,520 --> 00:56:00,640
Speaker 2: never seen any bad about him.

1299
00:56:00,680 --> 00:56:03,080
Speaker 3: Dad's constantly been saying horrible things about you, you know,

1300
00:56:03,560 --> 00:56:06,080
Speaker 3: And and over time I've started to see that the

1301
00:56:06,200 --> 00:56:08,480
Speaker 3: person who's doing the horrible stuff is actually the horrible one.

1302
00:56:10,040 --> 00:56:12,680
Speaker 3: You need to stand on high ground. In addition to that,

1303
00:56:12,800 --> 00:56:14,440
Speaker 3: there's a handful of things that I think we can

1304
00:56:14,520 --> 00:56:17,759
Speaker 3: do to really help things to go well. Number one,

1305
00:56:17,800 --> 00:56:21,719
Speaker 3: stay close geographically. Once you've got parents are living into

1306
00:56:21,760 --> 00:56:23,520
Speaker 3: state or even a few hours away from each other,

1307
00:56:24,040 --> 00:56:26,319
Speaker 3: it's just so hard for the kids. You ideally want

1308
00:56:26,320 --> 00:56:27,480
Speaker 3: the kids to be able to go to the same

1309
00:56:27,520 --> 00:56:30,239
Speaker 3: school regardless of whose house they're living in. You want

1310
00:56:30,239 --> 00:56:32,840
Speaker 3: them to have access to the same resources, the same friends,

1311
00:56:32,920 --> 00:56:35,560
Speaker 3: the same opportunities, regardless of whether they're living in mum's

1312
00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:37,600
Speaker 3: house or dad's house or you know, partner one partner too.

1313
00:56:37,640 --> 00:56:39,480
Speaker 1: How important is it for children to have that level

1314
00:56:39,520 --> 00:56:42,319
Speaker 1: of consistency and at what age does it not become

1315
00:56:42,360 --> 00:56:45,239
Speaker 1: an issue when changing schools, for example, because maybe one

1316
00:56:45,320 --> 00:56:47,440
Speaker 1: parent moves across the other side of the city, Like,

1317
00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:50,680
Speaker 1: is there a level of importance placed on something as

1318
00:56:50,680 --> 00:56:52,040
Speaker 1: simple of what school that they go to.

1319
00:56:52,239 --> 00:56:53,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that it really matters.

1320
00:56:54,360 --> 00:56:57,280
Speaker 3: And as a couple, as a business client to business

1321
00:56:57,320 --> 00:56:59,960
Speaker 3: client kind of relationship, you sit down and you say,

1322
00:57:01,440 --> 00:57:03,080
Speaker 3: you know how I feel about this, I know how

1323
00:57:03,120 --> 00:57:04,759
Speaker 3: you feel about this. Be when we just pause and

1324
00:57:04,840 --> 00:57:06,200
Speaker 3: work out what's going to be in the best interest

1325
00:57:06,239 --> 00:57:06,719
Speaker 3: of our child.

1326
00:57:07,400 --> 00:57:09,920
Speaker 2: Let's check the ego at the door. Please, no egos.

1327
00:57:10,200 --> 00:57:11,040
Speaker 2: We're just in here.

1328
00:57:11,320 --> 00:57:15,040
Speaker 3: We're having a conversation together about the child's best interest,

1329
00:57:15,640 --> 00:57:17,560
Speaker 3: and that's really where we've got to focus. You know,

1330
00:57:17,640 --> 00:57:19,200
Speaker 3: my job here is not to hurt you or not

1331
00:57:19,320 --> 00:57:21,240
Speaker 3: hurt the child. My job here is to help. It's

1332
00:57:21,240 --> 00:57:24,080
Speaker 3: a question that pervades all of our relationships. So we

1333
00:57:24,160 --> 00:57:27,120
Speaker 3: want to make sure that we're close geographically. We want

1334
00:57:27,160 --> 00:57:31,520
Speaker 3: to make sure that financial resources are somewhat equitable. That

1335
00:57:31,720 --> 00:57:35,760
Speaker 3: can be really challenging. But one of the biggest issues

1336
00:57:35,760 --> 00:57:38,560
Speaker 3: that parents will say is that when I go to Dad's,

1337
00:57:39,400 --> 00:57:41,160
Speaker 3: it feels like I'm on holidays. I've got the big

1338
00:57:41,200 --> 00:57:43,840
Speaker 3: screen TV, I've got the modern house, so yeah, Disneyland,

1339
00:57:43,960 --> 00:57:47,200
Speaker 3: Dad Mom's well, Mom's just mom hasn't got the money,

1340
00:57:47,200 --> 00:57:49,920
Speaker 3: she hasn't got the resources, and the other thing aligned

1341
00:57:49,920 --> 00:57:51,880
Speaker 3: with that is we don't want to just give dad

1342
00:57:51,960 --> 00:57:55,440
Speaker 3: weekends and holidays. Dad should be to the extent that

1343
00:57:55,480 --> 00:57:58,960
Speaker 3: it's possible involved in the day to day care because

1344
00:57:59,000 --> 00:58:01,640
Speaker 3: otherwise that is just the fun guy. And Mum does

1345
00:58:01,720 --> 00:58:03,919
Speaker 3: have to do all of this stuff and it gets

1346
00:58:04,000 --> 00:58:06,560
Speaker 3: really hard. So there are a couple of things to

1347
00:58:06,600 --> 00:58:09,480
Speaker 3: bear in mind. There's a lot more. And I think

1348
00:58:09,560 --> 00:58:11,960
Speaker 3: that rather than me waffling on about it Vanessa's book

1349
00:58:11,960 --> 00:58:13,920
Speaker 3: about divorce withou Damage, it'd probably be a really nice

1350
00:58:13,920 --> 00:58:14,320
Speaker 3: place to be.

1351
00:58:14,520 --> 00:58:16,880
Speaker 1: Well, sheill, she's only still in the early stage. She's

1352
00:58:16,880 --> 00:58:19,240
Speaker 1: putting it together. She's putting it together right now. She said,

1353
00:58:19,280 --> 00:58:22,160
Speaker 1: it's a work in process, which is fantastic.

1354
00:58:22,720 --> 00:58:22,959
Speaker 2: Mate.

1355
00:58:23,400 --> 00:58:26,040
Speaker 1: Last, but not least, if there was one incredible piece

1356
00:58:26,080 --> 00:58:28,280
Speaker 1: of advice you give to every single parent out there

1357
00:58:28,800 --> 00:58:31,400
Speaker 1: that is tried, true, tested and guaranteed to give them

1358
00:58:31,720 --> 00:58:33,600
Speaker 1: an effective outcome every time, what would that be?

1359
00:58:34,200 --> 00:58:36,800
Speaker 2: Oh? Wow, no pressure, no pressure at all.

1360
00:58:36,960 --> 00:58:39,479
Speaker 3: Look, I'm going to I'm going to shift the question

1361
00:58:39,520 --> 00:58:42,120
Speaker 3: a little bit because ultimately, so long as the okay,

1362
00:58:43,240 --> 00:58:45,040
Speaker 3: the short answer is let your kids know that they

1363
00:58:45,160 --> 00:58:48,040
Speaker 3: matter in everything that you do and say everything that

1364
00:58:48,040 --> 00:58:49,160
Speaker 3: you do and say. But I'm going to pick up

1365
00:58:49,160 --> 00:58:51,040
Speaker 3: this book that I've left on the desk here for

1366
00:58:51,080 --> 00:58:52,760
Speaker 3: a sec. So my new books called Ten Things Every

1367
00:58:52,800 --> 00:58:57,280
Speaker 3: Parent Needs to Know, And in the book, I've dedicated

1368
00:58:57,320 --> 00:58:59,080
Speaker 3: the book to every parent who wanted to be better.

1369
00:58:59,480 --> 00:59:01,640
Speaker 3: So read the book unless you want to be better anyway.

1370
00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:05,640
Speaker 3: But in the book, I give this, I guess advice.

1371
00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:09,000
Speaker 3: I guess you'd call it advice. And I think that

1372
00:59:09,080 --> 00:59:12,120
Speaker 3: this is the most important thing that any parent can know,

1373
00:59:13,640 --> 00:59:15,200
Speaker 3: and it's probably more about you than it.

1374
00:59:15,240 --> 00:59:20,360
Speaker 2: Is about the kids. And I've said this, I'm going

1375
00:59:20,400 --> 00:59:21,479
Speaker 2: to read it. Do you mind if I read? Please?

1376
00:59:21,480 --> 00:59:23,880
Speaker 2: If we're going to have a book reading, reading right now?

1377
00:59:24,080 --> 00:59:26,840
Speaker 3: Okay, into the big And in addition to the big

1378
00:59:26,880 --> 00:59:28,520
Speaker 3: ideas that I've shared in this book, there's one more

1379
00:59:28,600 --> 00:59:31,840
Speaker 3: thing that I believe every parent needs to know when

1380
00:59:31,920 --> 00:59:37,360
Speaker 3: it comes to child rearing. You are good enough as

1381
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:41,840
Speaker 3: a parent who is intentional and devoted. You will feel

1382
00:59:41,920 --> 00:59:45,680
Speaker 3: like a failure a lot. It's inescapable. You will be

1383
00:59:45,840 --> 00:59:49,000
Speaker 3: your own worst critic now and then others might criticize

1384
00:59:49,000 --> 00:59:51,800
Speaker 3: you as well, even if they're well meaning. Your partner

1385
00:59:51,880 --> 00:59:54,440
Speaker 3: might point out a parenting failure. Your parents are in laws,

1386
00:59:54,840 --> 00:59:59,160
Speaker 3: but your own children may also highlight a hypocrisy or inconsistency.

1387
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:02,440
Speaker 2: I say you don't care, but it still hurts.

1388
01:00:03,240 --> 01:00:06,080
Speaker 3: Some days will be worse than others, but that feeling

1389
01:00:06,360 --> 01:00:10,240
Speaker 3: of inadequacy, the never enn in question of am I enough,

1390
01:00:10,800 --> 01:00:16,080
Speaker 3: will be present persistently. Now I'm going to skip through

1391
01:00:16,120 --> 01:00:18,400
Speaker 3: a little bit here, and I just want to be clear.

1392
01:00:18,680 --> 01:00:21,880
Speaker 2: You are enough. You need to believe that. I've said this.

1393
01:00:24,200 --> 01:00:28,600
Speaker 3: In the novel ninety three French Victor Sorry, French writer

1394
01:00:28,840 --> 01:00:32,880
Speaker 3: Victor Hugo wrote, she broke the bread into two fragments

1395
01:00:33,760 --> 01:00:36,480
Speaker 3: and gave them to her children, who ate with eagerness.

1396
01:00:37,360 --> 01:00:41,560
Speaker 2: She hath kept none for herself, grumbled the sergeant. Because

1397
01:00:41,640 --> 01:00:46,200
Speaker 2: she's not hungry, said a soldier. No, said the sergeant,

1398
01:00:46,880 --> 01:00:51,160
Speaker 2: because she is a mother. It's almost impossible to put.

1399
01:00:51,040 --> 01:00:53,480
Speaker 3: Into words the depth of love that we feel as

1400
01:00:53,600 --> 01:00:57,560
Speaker 3: parents towards our children. As Cordela explained in Shakespeare's King

1401
01:00:57,680 --> 01:01:00,520
Speaker 3: Lear when speaking of her love for her parents, my

1402
01:01:00,640 --> 01:01:06,320
Speaker 3: love's richer than my tongue. I cannot heave a bit emotional.

1403
01:01:07,520 --> 01:01:09,800
Speaker 3: My love is richer than my tongue. I cannot heave

1404
01:01:10,920 --> 01:01:12,320
Speaker 3: my heart into my mouth.

1405
01:01:12,920 --> 01:01:16,520
Speaker 2: I love that when we think about our kids, the

1406
01:01:16,600 --> 01:01:18,960
Speaker 2: feelings in our heart we just can't possibly put into words.

1407
01:01:19,800 --> 01:01:22,760
Speaker 3: If you feel that way towards your children, then you

1408
01:01:22,880 --> 01:01:26,440
Speaker 3: are enough. The endless laundry, the thankless tasks related to

1409
01:01:26,520 --> 01:01:30,840
Speaker 3: maintaining your home, the challenges children provide each compounds to

1410
01:01:30,880 --> 01:01:32,680
Speaker 3: make us feel like it all might be too much,

1411
01:01:33,160 --> 01:01:35,480
Speaker 3: and Instagram makes look like everyone else is doing it

1412
01:01:35,600 --> 01:01:37,880
Speaker 3: so well. They get their pre baby body back in

1413
01:01:37,960 --> 01:01:39,920
Speaker 3: five weeks, their meals all look like they've come from

1414
01:01:39,920 --> 01:01:41,680
Speaker 3: a hatted restaurant kitchen, and they seem to have so

1415
01:01:41,840 --> 01:01:45,240
Speaker 3: much more time to spend doing meaningful activities with their children.

1416
01:01:45,720 --> 01:01:48,040
Speaker 3: The surest way to feel poorly about your parenting is

1417
01:01:48,080 --> 01:01:50,840
Speaker 3: to compare yourself with others, especially when you're mostly on

1418
01:01:50,920 --> 01:01:52,080
Speaker 3: to get to see their highlights.

1419
01:01:52,160 --> 01:01:54,800
Speaker 2: Real let me be really clear about this.

1420
01:01:55,680 --> 01:01:59,360
Speaker 3: Parenting is as much about the good times on Instagram

1421
01:02:00,120 --> 01:02:02,480
Speaker 3: as it is about those moments you would never want.

1422
01:02:02,400 --> 01:02:08,280
Speaker 2: Anyone to see. It's about how we respond to the

1423
01:02:08,360 --> 01:02:11,480
Speaker 2: ruining thos is the fussy eating, the wet beds, the

1424
01:02:11,640 --> 01:02:14,120
Speaker 2: soiled underwear, or the puddle on the carpet that provides

1425
01:02:14,160 --> 01:02:16,400
Speaker 2: evidence that the toilet training still has a way to go.

1426
01:02:16,920 --> 01:02:18,880
Speaker 2: It's about how we respond to the complaints that my

1427
01:02:19,040 --> 01:02:20,480
Speaker 2: legs are saw and I can't.

1428
01:02:20,280 --> 01:02:24,200
Speaker 3: Walk on tired mornings, the lost school jumpers, and the

1429
01:02:24,280 --> 01:02:26,960
Speaker 3: never ending sibling challenges that confront every parent of more

1430
01:02:27,000 --> 01:02:30,400
Speaker 3: than one child. Our responses to those micro moments that

1431
01:02:30,480 --> 01:02:35,120
Speaker 3: occur endlessly, day in and day out set the foundation

1432
01:02:35,720 --> 01:02:38,120
Speaker 3: for our children's lives. Right back to what you were

1433
01:02:38,120 --> 01:02:40,920
Speaker 3: talking about, Cohen, it's our response to that little stuff

1434
01:02:41,000 --> 01:02:44,640
Speaker 3: that actually sets the foundation. Last couple of lines, as

1435
01:02:44,720 --> 01:02:52,080
Speaker 3: you respond with patience, kindness, understanding, compassion, and a desire

1436
01:02:52,160 --> 01:02:53,640
Speaker 3: to help rather than hurt.

1437
01:02:54,200 --> 01:02:59,120
Speaker 2: You're doing enough. You're doing all that's required. You're growing,

1438
01:03:00,080 --> 01:03:06,160
Speaker 2: you're loving, and you are enough as a parent. You're

1439
01:03:06,200 --> 01:03:08,680
Speaker 2: doing work that will never be seen by anyone beyond

1440
01:03:08,720 --> 01:03:11,640
Speaker 2: your family. But the value of that foundation that you

1441
01:03:11,840 --> 01:03:13,520
Speaker 2: lay will last for generations.

1442
01:03:14,120 --> 01:03:17,800
Speaker 1: Beautiful, Beautiful, beautiful something so doctr Juckston Colston. If people

1443
01:03:17,800 --> 01:03:19,160
Speaker 1: want to find out more about the book, the ten

1444
01:03:19,200 --> 01:03:21,440
Speaker 1: Things every Parent needs to Know are positive solutions for

1445
01:03:21,480 --> 01:03:22,520
Speaker 1: everyday parenting challenges.

1446
01:03:22,560 --> 01:03:24,880
Speaker 2: Where can they find out more? Look, it's all online.

1447
01:03:24,920 --> 01:03:27,000
Speaker 3: Happy families dot com dot au is where you find

1448
01:03:27,040 --> 01:03:29,520
Speaker 3: everything about me. I love to speak, I love to work,

1449
01:03:29,520 --> 01:03:31,080
Speaker 3: I love to write. I love to make a difference

1450
01:03:31,120 --> 01:03:31,800
Speaker 3: in people's lives.

1451
01:03:31,840 --> 01:03:35,640
Speaker 2: So you're very, very passionate, very invested man, Dr Justin Colson,

1452
01:03:35,680 --> 01:03:37,760
Speaker 2: thanks for me. Good on your thanks Curl. Cheers mate.

1453
01:03:38,880 --> 01:03:41,000
Speaker 1: There you have it, guys, thanks to tuning into Unstoppable

1454
01:03:41,040 --> 01:03:43,080
Speaker 1: with me your host kurw and Ray, and do me

1455
01:03:43,120 --> 01:03:43,479
Speaker 1: a favor.

1456
01:03:43,600 --> 01:03:46,120
Speaker 2: Don't forget to drop me a review on iTunes. Would

1457
01:03:46,160 --> 01:03:46,960
Speaker 2: love to hear what you think.

1458
01:03:47,040 --> 01:03:49,040
Speaker 1: I love reading what you guys have to say and

1459
01:03:49,160 --> 01:03:49,800
Speaker 1: your reviews.

1460
01:03:49,880 --> 01:03:52,680
Speaker 2: Make sure we keep creating killer content just like this.

1461
01:03:53,040 --> 01:03:54,320
Speaker 1: If you want to start to date with me and

1462
01:03:54,400 --> 01:03:57,040
Speaker 1: all my movements, please jump onto the website Kirwanray dot

1463
01:03:57,120 --> 01:04:00,160
Speaker 1: com and also check us out on social media to

1464
01:04:00,280 --> 01:04:00,840
Speaker 1: Kirwan Rae